#i know i never post sad content but im really down in the dumps now. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hmm-self-indulgence · 3 years

Text

Platonic!Michael x Reader

Michael as the friend we all wanted. (Michael will use He/They/It pronouns). Reader is gender neutral. Also Im trying out a weird format and I am totally down for ANY feedback or more questions!

TW: Spiral shenanigans, TMA stuff in general. One could argue platonic yandere vibes and they would probably be right so keep that in mind. Mentions of getting stuck in the eternal hallways. This is as close to a healthy relationship as I can see possible with Michael. Also possible cursing.

No one has the permission to repost this on any website. I will not post these on other websites so if you see any of my writing on another site, let me know. Do not use my content or claim it as your own! I do not own these characters, they are made, owned and are the property of Johnathan Sims. I am in no way profiting off of this and this is made with full respect to Rusty Quill.

How You Met...

Suppose you wandered through a door by accident and he decided he wanted to keep you.

Maybe you were friends before he got turned into what he is now.

Maybe he was playing the long game and taunting you with doors, but you interested them enough that they decided you were no longer a meal.

Early interactions

He probably wouldn't try to initiate anything on his own, but just hang out around you until you feel the need to talk to him (Basically the same way he did with Sasha). He will try to look human to not scare you off at first and once you engage with him positively he just decides “this frail human is my friend now” and you can't get rid of him!

On a sad note, he is probably really lonely. Michael Shelley was a good person and he was sacrificed to stop the spiral by someone he trusted. His first friend went missing by the spirals hand and now he is stuck in the same form as what took him. While he is 50% Michael and 50% Spiral, it's still a lonely life and he does need a bit of people time, which is why he latched on to a positive relationship with you.

What is Hanging out like?

He will go out places with you, mostly because going out is a double win for him because not only does he get to scare people a bit, but he also gets attention! He might follow you to a cafe and watch you eat but he doesn't eat or drink anything (honestly you're not sure he can eat).

He also is a bit considerate and tries to make his form as humanoid as possible so that you don't get migraines while looking at him.

Michael is very cat-like in the sense that he acts as though he doesn't care, especially at first, but still hangs around you like a second shadow. He enjoys your company and will simply be in your home sometimes and will just sit or stand around.

He answers your questions in riddles most of the time, but overall is not a bad listener. He won't lie to you, and while it is not in his nature to tell the truth he will try to make his riddles easy so you can decipher what he wants to say. He cannot contradict his nature as the Distortion, but he is equally Michael as he is Spiral, so he will try.

Plus sides of Friendship

While he totally can be a menace he can also be a bit helpful though. Some days if you are running late one of your doors will conveniently lead into one of his halls, and open just outside your work or university. You have to worry about getting back home, but it's the thought that counts, right?

You never lose things for long because he doesn't want your fear or for you to think you are crazy. This does defy his nature but he did notice what happened with The Vase and he would prefer you not turn out like that. They were a meal, you are not.

He definitely tells you stories (we heard the Trauma dump with Jon) about his existence or about the people he’s traumatized lately.

Some of the negatives

Also like a stray cat, he has to be a bit of a menace. Sometimes when you go to leave your home in the mornings you are stumped to find there is no longer a front door. The door isn't missing, it just seems like it was never there in the first place, there is only a wall.

While annoying, his mischief can normally be solved by a disapproving comment or leaving the house another way. The door will return when you do. (Not saying you don’t have to climb out a window or miss work some days because you PHYSICALLY cannot leave your house)

Any door you open has a possibility of bringing you into the spiral as a prank by Michael. He lets you out in a few minutes but at this point you're not scared of him so the prank is more of a bother than anything else.

Also, you might have to explain to them that they can't cast eternal hallway on everyone that annoys you, but they are totally down to traumatize people that bug you. This can happen whether you ask them to or if you actively disprove of this.

Friendship Love Language! (looking at the 5 love languages)

I would definitely think they are a quality time and acts of service kind of friend.

He's not a bad friend, but would probably rather die again than verbally admit that he really cares about you. The best you might get is him calling you his “ally”. He would probably call you a friend if you were also an avatar of the spiral, but he doesn't require you to be a worshiper of the spiral to be his friend.

Honestly he does not express emotions often. So don’t expect him to verbally confirm he cares about you a little bit, but you can see it other ways.

They definitely protects you from the spooky bits that haunt your world. The Fears will not know about you (except the Beholding, but that can hardly be helped), and none of their avatars will get close enough to hurt the Spiral's squishy and mortal friend. You are effectively off limit for all Fear Shenanigans on pain of eternal hallways or worse.

Ferrying you around is an act of service that makes him feel useful, which is definitely something Michael Shelley would do for others.

Quality time also makes sense for him because he does literally defy all logic with his existence, and when he is not a door, hallway, or taunting others he is bothering you.

Random headcanons!

Honestly it’s probably hard to set boundaries with a physical embodiment of fear, but you have found a way. The best way to show your displeasure and get him to change some behavior is to ignore him. Don’t respond to their questions and pretend you cannot see any fractals. It will not take long for him to crack and while he won't directly apologize he will let the person go or at least be open to compromise.

Also a bit extra of a more personal headcanon but... Michael would be 10/10 if it came to your gender identity. Micheal canonically uses He/him, they/them, and it/its pronouns, and he would respect any identity you have or pronouns you use.

Overall Friendship Rating

Friendship rating, uhhh probably about 6/10. Not a bad friend but you might need to explain that casting eternal hallways is not a proper punishment for that one coworker that didn't show up. Also, doesn’t understand that playing the same prank on someone multiple times does make it less scary.

#michael distortion x reader #michael shelley x reader #michael distortion #tma #platonic!Michael distortion x reader

182 notes · View notes

larkace · 3 years

Text

Robber Claws

hi guys! i've read a bunch of your fics and got inspired so i wrote a thing! enjoy ;) also, it's pretty long so...buckle up! love yall <3

The criminals lurk in the mist, invisible, but Sofiya Pavlichenkov knows they’re there.

She’s perched in the Lookout’s nest of her Warship in Fourth Harbour, pretending to read the documents her first mate, Kastor, has just handed to her. But her blue coat is flapping in the wind and her papers keep jostling and she’s being watched, all of which is rather uncomfortable.

Idly, Sofiya wonders what the criminals might want. A smuggling, perhaps? Out and away from stinking, crawling, loathsome Ketterdam?

Sofiya hates this city. His city. She misses Ravka, her homeland- the Little Palace.

I miss my bloody Kefta, Sofiya thinks darkly as another bought of wind spirals harshly through the Harbour. The blue coat she wears is a subtle nod to her Tidemaker status, but it’s a sad, thin piece of cloth compared to the grandeur of the Fabrikator-made Keftas. But Sofiya can’t wear her Kefta, not if she wants to blend in in Kerch- a lesson she learned long ago…

Old enemies, Sofiya. Old enemies, but not withered grudges.

Huffing out a sigh that would make Zoya Nazyalensky proud, Sofiya rises gracefully to her feet.

They’re coming. She can feel it; they’re making their way towards the ship. They don’t have to be rowdy to intimidate, that’s for sure - or to make a crowd of Merchants and Thieves part like the sea almost immediately.

Sofiya reaches up behind her head and loops her hand around a piece of knotted rope; takes a deep, steadying breath.

And she steps off the platform into the open air.

For a moment, she catches on the air as if a Squaller has caught her on a buffering breeze, but sure enough, gravity kicks in.

Sofiya welcomes the feeling of her stomach in her throat as the fall takes hold, zipping her past the sails. It's good preparation, anyway, for the three dark figures moving up the docks towards her.

As they near and Sofiya lands lightly on the deck, she confirms what she already knew: these were criminals. Her criminals.

The trio stops in front of her. They're all wearing black and gold - not a uniform exactly, but it’s a solid way to show your allegiance. None of their hands were visible, but if they were, Sofiya would find the Robber Claws emblem branded cleanly onto the backs of their knuckles. Their hoods are drawn up over their faces, but Sofiya can tell from their posture who she’s dealing with.

"Ah, Iseut," Sofiya says serenely, "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

The girl in the middle pulls down her hood, revealing shining blond hair, dark eyes, full lips. She doesn’t smile.

"Where have you been, Sofiya?" Iseut asks coolly.

"The Wandering Isle," Sofiya answers immediately, "I stopped at Os Kervo on my return to pick up some supplies. I'm only three days late, Is. Cut me some slack."

Iseut sighs, and suddenly looks less the badass, fake-waitress man-killer, and more the tired mother of a delinquent child. Sofiya feels a flicker of guilt.

She had stopped at Os Kervo for more than one reason. The "supplies" were crates upon crates of commandeered Fjerdan weapons and traps, intercepted by the First Army on their way to the Front Line. Sofiya had paid nothing to take them off the hands of the Ravkan soldiers, who honestly had no clue where to send them. What good were jerky Fjerdan guns to a sophisticated, well-oiled Second Army legion?

Sofiya could picture Zoya's face at the sight of the sad little weapons. Disgust and disdain, unshakable beauty - and perhaps just a little bit of pride that her friend had been the one to collect the Fjerdan cargo. Sofiya would work on selling it all later. She'd dump the Grisha traps in the ocean, though. Drown them like they deserved to be drowned.

"I am sorry, Iseut," Sofiya says, and her words aren’t mistruths.

"Don't apologise to me," Iseut says dismissively, "It’s your friends that were barely able to sleep the past few nights. You should talk to -"

"Destry," Sofiya's words mist the air like a fine rain, "I know."

One of the tall figures stood behind Iseut lowers her own hood. Lyra. Ly.

It made sense that the Robber Claws would send their best Bruisers to Fourth Harbour. Sofiya knew by the other Robber's posture that beneath the hood, she would find the face of Winter. But Winter wouldn't lower her hood in front of so many people, so Sofiya was content with what she could get.

"You really had Destry worried, Sof," Ly says, chastising.

"Destry can handle me being gone for weeks on end," Sofiya crosses her arms. She will not be guilt-tripped, "This job was half a week, and I was only a few days off schedule. I did tell Cherry that I'd be late." The words come out as a question.

None of them say anything.

Another flash of worry courses through Sofiya. Cherry Vlasova is a Heartrender, and one of Sofiya's closest friends. The message that Sofiya had forwarded was simple and concise: I'll be a few days late. Stopping at Os Kervo. Don't worry, no Fjerdans. Tell Destry -S.P

Had something happened to Cherry? She was an avid gossiper; her post box was always full of tip-offs (a useful source of information for the Robber Claws) but Sofiya was reliably informed that her letters were always placed on the top of the pile. Marked "URGENT."

"What happened? Is Cherry alright?" Sofiya demands.

Iseut holds up her palms, and they are callused and grease-marked. Sometimes Iseut is so well put together that Sofiya forgets she's a barmaid.

"Cherry is fine. But all our Grisha are shaken. Whilst you were away, there was an attack on the East Stave."

Sofiya's heart stops and restarts and stops again.

An attack. On the Grisha. And she wasn’t there to - to help, to defend-

"Destry," Sofiya breathes, "And Cherry - and Adali, Roza, Linnea, Yan, Anya- oh, Saints, was it the Fjerdans?"

There are many Grisha members of the Robber Claws. It was one of the reasons that Sofiya wanted to join them in the first place. If the Fjerdans had attacked -

"Everybody is fine," Ly says lowly, "We had Freya and May fixing people up as soon as we heard- and Lita, of course, but behind the scenes."

Freya and May- and even Lita, whose powers most of the gang didn't even know of. Grisha Healers. So people had been hurt.

"What. Happened." Sofiya growls, and Ly glares at her challengingly, fists clenching. The water beneath the decking froths and bubbles as Sofiya brings her own fists together, power surging pleasantly up her arms. If Ly wants a fight, she can have one.

"Calm down, both of you," Winter's smooth voice projects from under her hood. Despite the heavy fabric, her voice is clear and commanding. Sofiya takes a breath to compose herself.

"To answer your previous question: no. It wasn't the Fjerdans." Iseut says, "We don’t know what they were."

Sofiya's brow creases at the chime of fear in Iseut's voice. She's never seen the golden-haired barmaid afraid before.

It begins to rain softly, the pattering of droplets quiet against the wooden decking of the docks.

"We should go back to the Queen’s Head, Iseut," Ly suggests, referencing Iseut’s place of work. Iseut nods once, swiftly, and glances over Sofiya's shoulder at her warship.

"Do you need to...?"

"Yes."

"Go on, then."

"KASTOR! IM GOING FOR A ROUND OF DAY-DRINKING!" Sofiya yells over the shoulder of her rain-splattered coat. She hears Ly chuckle as Kastor's scruffy head pokes out from a window.

He nods at Sofiya when he spots her, and she waves, assenting. Kastor would keep everything safe whilst she was gone. It was their unspoken agreement, unchanging and unwavering since the day they'd become crewmates.

Sofiya turns back to Iseut, Ly and Winter.

"Let's be on our way," she says, and lets her fellow criminals lead the way along the Harbour, her warship disappearing into the mist behind her.

~~~~

The mid-day slump of customers meant that the Robber Claws had the Queen’s Head pub all to themselves.

Iseut- who did not own the pub, but had put more work into it than the real owners ever did- had immediately trekked behind the bar and poured herself a whisky.

"Want anything?" She asks, directing the question directly at Sofiya despite the equal presence of Ly- and Winter (who had lowered her hood slightly now that she was back on familiar ground, with familiar faces.) Bruisers didn’t drink on the job. It slowed reflexes.

"The story," says Sofiya firmly, "It a joke about the day-drinking. What happened?"

Iseut pours herself another whiskey and the quartet take a seat at a shady little circular table in a quiet corner. The murmurs of other Robber Claws members is enough to shelter their conversation from the group- despite Sofiya being sure she was the only one unaware of what had transpired the days she’d been gone.

As Iseut begins her story, with Winter and Ly regularly interjecting with additions, Sofiya feels horror and fear clamp down on her heart like a Fjerdan Grisha trap.

Iseut’s alluring voice weaves a tale of Komedie Brute actors in bloody masks, rose-painted rubble from an impossible explosion, and worst of all: Grisha. Dead Grisha, killed by creatures with screeching metal wings.

“Only a few of our Grisha were hurt,” Iseut sips her drink solemnly, “We took your advice of keeping them anonymous and undercover. We have Erin and our other spies out searching for answers at the embassies. I’m sure you’re just as eager to find out about the winged creatures as we are.”

Sofiya nods, “I am. Thank you for filling me in, Is, really. And to you, Ly, Winter. I know you don’t like going to far from the West Stave.”

The last comment was directed purely at Winter. It’s not a lie. Winter runs a dojo for training Kerch’s women to protect themselves from Barrel bosses and scum alike; she didn’t want her clients finding out about her… Robber side. Being a criminal wasn’t the most unintimidating, friendly persona to have when speaking with vulnerable women.

Sofiya respected Winter and her clean profession. It was hard to be so kind in the Barrel. And men were rarely kind to women at all.

Sofiya knew that first hand.

Shoving away the memories- blue eyes, dark hair, gorgeous smile, charming words and sharper wounds- Sofiya stands in one fluid movement.

“I’m going to find Destry,” she says. Iseut stands, Ly and Winter falling back to flank her again, and smiles. She’s beautiful, that is undoubtful, but the attacks- the sleazy men at the Queen’s Head, the strain of the city- it’s all gotten to her. Sofiya can see it.

This city is poison, thinks Sofiya as Iseut takes her hand and shakes it. Poison and rot.

“Destry will be in her rooms,” Ly supplies, and Sofiya nods at her once.

Sofiya grins brightly, hoping it covers her own weariness, and recites, “Fair winds.”

“Bright stars,” chorus her friends. Sofiya waves over her shoulder as she slips out of the bar and down an alley. Above her, a storm brews in the clouds.

Perhaps the stars would be out that night. It didn’t matter. Nobody in Kerch saw the stars anymore.

~~~~

On her way to Destry’s apartments, Sofiya ran into more members of the Robber Claws.

Malcolm and Firefly, who lived together in shared housing in the Anvil, were shopping for new blacksmiths’ equipment. They each provided invaluable services to the Robber Claws, crafting flawless weapons second only to that of Fabrikators. They greeted her with a wink each. Sofiya moved on swiftly after trading them a Wandering Isle-crafted staff for twenty Kruge.

She picked up some baked goods on the way. She would need them. Destry- who had been her closest friend since she arrived in Kerch- was an Inferni. Fire-bringer; with an even fierier temperament. Rumour had it- and Sofiya knew the rumours were true- that Destry had been attending the University of Ketterdam when she’d heard a boy make a lude comment during an exam and lit the paper on fire with her mind. And that paper had been thrown. At the boy’s face. Ouch.

Sofiya had been nursing a whiskey in a tavern when she’d first heard the story recounted. She’d leapt up from her seat, slithered into an alley and held the recounter at knifepoint until he’d told her Destry’s name.

They’d become fast friends upon meeting. Sofiya had been in awe of someone so rebellious, so brave as to set fire to an exam paper, and Destry- well. Destry had laughed for hours when Sofiya had told her how she’d first come across her name.

But now, staring up at the ornate windows of Destry’s apartment, Sofiya feels unsure. She didn’t mean to worry her friend. Iseut had explained that her letter must have gotten lost during the riots. Sofiya cursed the post offices. So there was a deadly storm- your motto is still “We always deliver.”

Despite her trepidation, Sofiya’s feet were swift on the stairs. She had a key to the apartment, and didn’t hesitate to unlock the door and slip inside without a sound, content to watch Destry whilst she worked; even if only for a moment.

Leaning against the wall, Sofiya’s brow creases as she surveys her friend. Destry’s hair is plaited carefully into two loops at the nape of her neck, hazel strands freeing themselves gently against her light brown skin. She’s stood facing away from Sofiya, arms circled in rings of fire. The shirt she wears is Fabrikator-made; the flames don’t take to the papery material.

Sofiya takes a step forward, and pointedly drops her bag of confectionary on the floor. It lands with an audible thump.

Destry whirls, the fire at her wrists whirling into an inferno ready to strike- until Destry sees who is at her door.

“Shouldn’t have hesitated, Des,” Sofiya said weakly, “I could have put a knife in your back.”

The shock on Destry’s face dissolves. Her face splinters down the middle. Licks of fire at her fingertips wilt into ash in a pile at her boot-clad feet.

“You would have put out the flames with your water, I’m sure,” Destry says, and then flies across the room towards Sofiya, wrapping her in a tight, smoke-smelling embrace.

Sofiya would normally pull back. “Don’t be too open with your heart, Des,” she’d say, “People use your loves against you here.” But Sofiya couldn’t bring herself to say those things. The weight of the week comes crashing down on her head like a tsunami.

Fjerdan traps on my boat, attacks on my gang, tensions in Ravka boiling over… where’s safe anymore, except here?

Destry pulls back slightly to scan Sofiya’s face. She has a smear of oil on her cheek. Destry’s eyes are filled with fire, burning like an ember beneath onyx waters.

“Where. Have. You. Been.”

“Destry-”

“Don’t you make excuses with me, Pavlichenkov,” Destry snarls, “You didn’t warn us you were late! I couldn’t sleep- neither could Cherry!”

“I-”

“We thought you’d been caught, Sofi,” Destry cries, “We thought the Fjerdans had got you! I thought you died.”

The word is ugly and big in the room, choking Sofiya’s response. Death. Dying. Dead. And by Fjerdan hands. It wasn’t so rare for travelling Grisha to be caught and sent to the pyres.

“I’m sorry,” Sofiya says, because it’s the only thing there is, “I wrote- I really did, don’t look at me like that- according to Lyra, there was a storm in the True Sea. The letter sunk with the ship.”

“You’re a Tidemaker,” Destry huffs.

“Yes, which means I manipulate water,” Sofiya says, “Not stop it from overturning ships with important letters on them. Destry, I’m sorry. I brought waffles.” She offers the last sentence like a defendant on trial with the Stadwatch; one final piece of evidence to prove her innocence.

Destry brightens immediately, “Well, in that case.”

The pair of them set to work, shoulders just brushing in the cramped kitchenette. Sofiya’s array of pasties are laid out over two plates, which they lay on their laps. Destry’s job for the Robber Claws is, in few words, that of the logician. Papers are scattered all over her apartment, covered in detailed blueprints and scale drawings of buildings all over Ketterdam, Fjerda and even- rarely- Shu Han. There were no drawings of Ravka.

If Iseut had ever commissioned a robbery in Ravka, Sofiya didn’t know about it. It would be…unwise to hit out at the Ravkans, with so many Grisha in the gang.

But Destry’s job was essential, so Sofiya couldn’t complain about the lack of trays to put their plates on. Such things were useless for such an incredible mind as Destry’s.

“So,” says Destry conversationally as she lights the fireplace with a casual flick of her wrist, “How were the Wandering Isles?”

Sofiya says nothing, massaging her temples lightly. Destry manages a laugh.

“Your silence is telling, Sofi,” she warns.

Sighing quietly, suddenly feeling very tired, Sofiya says, “It was crawling with our Fjerdan friends from the North. ‘Peaceful’ Fjerdans.”

Destry spins, and she is outlined with the fire. We’re opposites, Sofiya thinks. Fire and Water.

“You didn’t-” Destry begins, horrified.

Silently, solemnly, Sofiya raised her palms to face the ceiling. Destry reaches out.

Her gentle fingers trace the scars there. Deep and painful and barely healed, the scars run red against Sofiya’s pale flesh.

“Sofiya…” Destry breathes.

“It was the only way to push my power down,” Sofiya whispers. She’s rarely so emotive, but Destry is someone she trusts with everything. It was a weakness, some would say, but they were each powerful Grisha. They were Gods in a world of men. And they would not kneel “If I hadn’t, I would’ve been caught. It was a price to pay.”

Grisha shone like lighthouses around people. In Kerch, in Ketterdam, it was safer for them- especially ones loyal to a gang, as Destry and Sofiya were. But in the Wandering Isles; where Fjerdans passed through on their way to Novyi Zem, where gang affiliations mattered less than the colour of your eyes… Sofiya tells herself she had no choice.

“Sofiya, you’ve opened up old wounds here,” Destry says, tracing the marred skin of her palms again, “You need a healer. Freya, Lita, May-”

“Wouldn’t understand,” Sofiya finished, pulling her hands out of Destry’s and placing them carefully in her lap, obscuring them with her coat, “They’re healers, Des, not warriors- they’d go to Iseut.”

Iseut. Their unofficial leader, the founder, the lighthouse in raging seas. All of the Robber Claws seemed to be caught in her gravity. She was their sun. And Sofiya… well, Sofiya was the moon. Iseut would send her to a healer, one who would stop her travels. One who would commandeer her Warship, and Kastor… health of the mind was important to Iseut.

But Sofiya was not damaged, as they would tell her. She was not broken. Her mind was sound.

I did what I had to do, to survive.

But Destry can see through it all. Through the mask, through her eyes, right to her bones. Through to her lying, treacherous heart. We’re all broken in the end.

But.

Oh, Destry, Destry, please…

“I won’t tell her,” Destry promises, “But I’d like you to know that I think you should. Tell her, that is- Iseut. She might help.”

“She might ship me back to Ravka,” Sofiya grumbles, biting into a toasty croissant.

“Oh, she wouldn’t.”

“You never know.”

“She’ll want you to heal, that’s all.”

“Yes,” Sofiya rolls her eyes, “But these wounds are of the flesh. The scars on my heart will never heal, not in this life Perhaps there will be mercy in the next, even for my rotten soul.”

“You sound like you’re auditioning for the Komedie Brute,” Destry laughs.

“Mother, Father, pay the rent!” Sofiya crows.

“I can’t my dear, the money’s spent,” Destry choruses instinctively.

Sofiya wipes away an invisible tear, “Gorgeous! We’ll make an actress out of you, yet, Destry Clements.”

“Oh, you most certainly will not,” Destry huffs.

Their laughter fills the air, and Sofiya thinks that maybe there is hope for her rotten soul, after all.

~~~~

The man returns late from the pub wearing only one shoe.

A bottle drained halfway of mauve liquid dangles limply from his pale fingers. The veins in his foot are blue in the half-moon’s light.

He slurs a broken melody. She catches a few words as he passes below her on the street.

“Hmm… perish… light… air… fire… hell… hmmm…”

The man’s name is Danyl Harrop. And he is going to die tonight.

“Hmm… shadow… devil… rot… earth… sun… burn… lose….”

Harrop continues down the road, heedless of the mud on his bare foot. He'd be blackout drunk in the morning if he survived.

He wouldn’t.

Silent as a breeze, steps as soft as downy feathers, she leaps from the streetlight where she was perched.

She strikes.

She is ash and shadow. She is a storm of fire. She is vengeance.

She is death.

Harrop yelps as she pins him against the tree. His face is as white as the moon, with eyes like black craters.

“What’re you doi-” he slurs dazedly, but she silences him with a wave of her hand. He blubbers like a fish on land as he tries to shout for help.

“For King and Country,” says the girl. Stepping away from Harrop, she lets her power hold him against the tree, keeping his muscles upright. She surveys him like an artist would their unfinished masterpiece.

The girl whispers, “Sleep tight, Danyl.”

Flicking her wrist, she snaps his neck. He’s still alive, barely, so she latches on to what little of his mind there is left and strips it like an onion. For a man who is out so late, so drunk, on what the girl remembers as a work-day, he knows too much.

Secrets. They feed this girl, nourish her. There is a skip in her step as she turns away from Harrop; without her supporting his muscles, he collapses against the tree. She leaves his mind just as it goes dark.

There is no need to hide in the treetops upon her return to the city. It gleams just half a mile away, most of which is roiling seawater. As the girl wanders along the road back to Ketterdam, she finds Danyl Harrop’s shoe in a puddle of mud. The girl laughs at the sky. She flips a coin into the shoe, whispers a heartless prayer to her Saints, and moves on.

Back to Ketterdam. Back home.

~~~~

Ok, so that's that! I left it on a bit of a cliffhanger... I may have created a whole plot... so there might be some more coming soon!

all these excellent characters (save Sofiya, Danyl, Kastor and the girl at the end who kills Danyl- who has no name... yet *wink*) belong to the following:

Iseut is @littlegirldorothea's

Destry is @finnick-annie's (I may have made them besties👀👀)

Cherry is @brekkercookie's (they are ALSO besties👀👀 we have a trio omg)

Winter is @cressjacquine's

Lyra is @no-mourners-at-my-funeral's

Malcom is @blackpheonix’s

Firefly is @ask-shadowbon’s

Erin is @lightningboytytonjesper’s

Adali is @apple-bottom-jeansx’s

Roza is @vampire-rights’s

Linnea is @alonlyfangirl's

Yan is @lucentcorrigan’s

Anya is @queenlilith43’s

Freya is @smol-evil-gremlin’s

Lita is @the-whispers-of-moonlight’s

May is @saltyfortunes

and the "Fair winds, bright stars" motto as created by @spicy-tomato-sauce's

oh and the whole Grishaverse is the wonderful @lbardugo's <3

if I missed anyone or you want to tag anyone go ahead!

53 notes · View notes

obeyme-kaidii-writes · 3 years

Text

Beginnings (4/9)

Mammon x ace gn!MC x ace!Leviathan

NOTE - read the content warnings listed in Part 1

[ AO3 | Part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 ]

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Go away, Levi!” Mammon shouted, rolling over onto his side and shoving his head under his pillow. He hadn’t been able to get any rest since he had seen Levi a few hours ago, and now it was late at night and he was irritable and exhausted.

“It’s me.”

Mammon whipped around in his bed, eyes glued on the door. Why were you here? Had Levi talked to you? Were you coming to dump him? Did he even want to see you? Or should he ask you to leave? His heart was beating rapidly in his chest, and he couldn’t have answered you even if he knew what to say.

Not hearing a response, you slowly opened Mammon’s door and poked your head inside the room. Mammon had rolled back over by now, pretending to ignore you, despite the fact he was intently listening to your every move as you approached. You sat down on the edge of his bed, resting a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, we need to talk.”

“...dunno what we have to talk about.”

“Why you sent Levi to talk to me, for starters,” you replied, gently rubbing his shoulder with your thumb.

“It’s what you wanted isn’t it? Permission to date ‘im? Well ya got it, so I dunno why you’re here,” he grumbled as he pulled his blanket tighter around his body.

“Because I love you,” you replied with a sigh. You had assumed Mammon was going to be a handful, he was never one to apologize first no matter how badly he may have wanted to. You were expecting that. You needed to soften him up, make sure he felt safe, and only then would he be willing to talk. But expecting it and dealing with it were entirely two different things, and you did not have unlimited patience.

“Sure, whatever...”

“Mammon, you’re being ridiculous. Of course I love you. That’s why we fought. If I didn’t, I would have just dumped you.” You let out another deep sigh, this time frustrated with yourself for going off on a slight tangent and snapping at him again. You were trying to get him to open up, and this was surely having the opposite intended effect.

“Look, Mammon. I’m sorry for how I handled things, for avoiding you. I know that wasn’t the best way to handle it. I was just confused and didn’t know what else to do. But I really do love you, and I want to talk with you to see if we can make things work. I don’t want to just give up on you after one fight.”

Mammon didn’t respond right away, but he did lean back into your touch just a little bit, causing a small smile to spread across your face. Looks like you found your soft Mammon.

“My life just wouldn’t be the same without the Great Mammon in it, you know? I’d be pretty bored, I’m sure. Who’d take me shopping? Who’d watch Harrison Porter with me?” you had adjusted your position slightly now, so that your leg closest to Mammon was bent at the knee and resting against his back. You started to run your fingers through his hair, with him melting more and more with each pass through.

“...would ya still have time for that?” he asked, his voice scarcely above a whisper. That was really his biggest fear, if he was being honest. Would you still have time for him? Would you want to make time for him? Or would you just spend more and more time with Levi, Mammon slowly becoming the third wheel?

“Of course I would, babe. I honestly don’t think things will change all that much. You do realize we spend most of our time with him already anyways, right?” you laughed.

Yeah, Mammon knew that. He may not have really thought about it before, but after spending the entirety of his evening scrolling through old Devilgram posts it was pretty hard to ignore.

“But I’ll always make special time for just you. We’d just have to talk things out with Levi to make sure everyone’s happy. I know sharing isn’t your strong suit, but…”

Mammon rolled over slightly so that he could look at you, having detected the waiver in your voice as it trailed off. There were tears gathering in your eyes now, a few already leaking down your face. The sad smile you gave him was all it took to get Mammon to reach out and pull you down towards him into a hug. With your legs now resting over his hip, you wrapped your arms around his middle and buried your face in the crook of his neck. You sighed again, this time out of relief, as you cuddled closer, his arms tightening around you.

“I know,” he replied, “ya look at him with that same dopey grin you give me,” Mammon felt you smile against his neck as he continued, “You don’t give anyone else that look either. So…” he hesitated, squeezing you tight and pressing a kiss to the top of your head, “...’m sorry for what I said. If ya wanna talk to Levi, we can talk to Levi.”

“Really?” you asked, trying to pull back to look Mammon in the eye, but he held you in place, not wanting you to see just how embarrassed he was and how deeply he was blushing. You let out a small laugh when you realized he wasn’t going to be letting you move, and returned the hug, nuzzling against him once more.

“Yeah, just, ya know...you gotta make time for me alright?! I’m still ya first.”

“Of course, I’ll always have time for you.”

Smiling, you kissed the skin on Mammon’s neck, a spot you knew he was sensitive, before trailing kisses up his neck and along his jaw until finally you reached his lips. You gave him a tender, sweet kiss, full of all the love and affection you had been holding onto since you had last spoken with him. When you broke away, you rested your forehead gently against his, brushing his nose with your own.

Mammon smiled to himself, humming quietly in contentment. He had missed cuddling with you like this. It had been less than a week since your fight with him, but that was quite long enough as far as he was concerned. Sharing your time a couple days a week with Levi would be much easier, in comparison. At least when you’d be with Levi, he’d know you would be coming back to him. Last week, he didn’t know if he would have ever got to hold you again.

“I love you,” you whispered, pressing another soft kiss to Mammon’s lips, as you swore to yourself that tonight, you were going to spoil Mammon absolutely rotten so that he knew just how loved and adored he is.

#gn!mc #ace!mc #poly mc #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me mammon #obey me levi #obey me fanfic

38 notes · View notes

nnubes · 3 years

Text

Nu’s: 06/26/’21

About a LONG time ago, I set up reminders on my phone for posting/reposting content. It was a way to manage my presence online because putting things on a schedule helps me a lot. One of these reminders was every Sunday, uploading content to Tumblr. Posts that have my thoughts for the week that just passed and the week that we are getting into. So!! That’s what I am going to start doing and I am going to be as consistent as possible.

We call this Nu’s (pronounced: news) It’s not necessarily news but its the best name I could come up with LOL. The goal is to post a short/medium lil ‘whatever’ that you can read and that might help or just entertain you regarding my life, followed by small photo dumps. Let’s start today:

Last week...

A lot was going on. From the end of April up until about the middle of June, I'd been very comfortable. In all aspects of my life too. I was becoming content to the point that anything outside of the bare minimum, just seemed like a burden. I took a mental break from all of my passions and routines and got lost into the world. Yes, it’s good to have a break, but for me, once I step away from something long enough... getting back into it is ten time harder. I neglected my diet, my morning/night routines, my passions, and was more focused on the things stressing me out (work, school, other people’s burdens). Didn't realize it at the time, but I was losing my drive and ignoring whatever I was truthfully feeling. It felt weird and I ignored how I really felt about it and did pretty much whatever. BUT its not as bad as I am making it sound. I was just distracted and kind of being lazy. Ignoring EVERYTHING except for showering and smoking. Luckily, ever since June things have been just shifting, forcing me to look at life in a whole different aspect. I started to notice a pattern in the type of people that are around me now... very genuine, very inspiring. If you don't look up to the people around you or at the least admire them, get from around them and thank me later! Seeing all these changes made me also look at the changes within AND I finally started addressing how I truthfully feel.

I am a little hurt by the bonds I am losing. I am a little hurt by the fact that I've had to make so many decisions that I knew I didn't want to but are best for me. I have entered an era where my first thought is “wow that really sucks and I really don't want to feel like this because I have to [insert task/situation that sucks]” and my second thought is “but ultimately this is helping, whether I see it now or not.” because its true! All these times where im like... down bad and feeling sad or feeling lost, it brings me back into realizing who I am, what I want and helps me to get closer to my purpose. Seriously. I know emotions are real, but they only go so far. I’ve learned that FEELING is okay, but acting impulsively or immediately becoming negative about that feeling is what makes me dwell and sit in my sadness and Im not doing that anymore. If there isn't a solution, and it’s out of my control. OR there is a solution, but I did my part, then there is really nothing else I can do, you know? I am learning that I am in control of myself, and my space and what I want. Everything outside of that gets thought...but not so much thought that it becomes overthinking. Even a complicated life can be simple.

I never believed in astrology or the retrograde or whatever, but I am starting to only because it makes TOO much sense. I think astrology can really benefit whoever invests just a lil time into it. Don't ask me how, but I just feel that way. I don't think I will ever wholeheartedly believe in it, but little things like astrology, numerology, the concept of manifestation, religion, gives you rules and boundaries to life that can lead to you wanting to attain your goals, or feeling inspired in general. I say that to say, this retrograde... I LOVED! It sucked so bad you guys, and when it was over (which I didn't know until the day of) I cried so much because all the emotions I didn't know I was suppressing finally exposed itself. I realize my work isn't done, and i’ve done enough holding things off and using temporary things to suffice. I had a break up too, it wasn't bad at all to be honest. Short relationship that taught me a lot that literally was the whole retrograde from start to finish, which is crazy too. It taught me so much about myself and humbled me in realizing that I shouldn't be comfortable just yet. I still have a lot to learn about myself, how to communicate, my passions. I still have dreams to attain. I still have me, and I can't just get lost and live without feeling because the feelings always catch up to you. Everything that has happened sucks, but I couldn't imagine where I'd be had nothing went left or nothing happened. Probably still physically wandering while being mentally disconnected.

THIS WEEK THOUGH,

I'm tapped into my potential! I keep on forgetting what im capable of. I’ve done so much for myself because I'm VERY driven when I want to be. Now that I am older, I have to be the one who holds myself accountable for what I put my energy into...the people, the projects, my passions, even what I eat... and I have to be careful. Thinking deep enough that I understand the bigger picture, but not so deep that I lose sight of the smaller pictures along the way. corny, but I hope it makes sense.

That’s all for today, I could go on forever. BUT here are the photo dumps for this post AND I will catch you next time.

Nu <3

#astrology #locs #women with locs #mirror selfie #journal #mental health #self love #plants #youtube #nubia #nubiahere #news #gif #uncategorized #repost #dreads #queue

5 notes · View notes

indulgnces · 5 years

Text

hi howdy hello!! i go by jess and this is my first time playing my sweet bb girl, so i’m pumped! more about my girl audrey below the cut!

❛ ( SARAH JEFFERY ) ◈ dude, shut up ! AUDREY ROSE from DESCENDANTS is on screen. their fans swear they’re just DETERMINED & OUTGOING, but we’ve all seen their JEALOUS & STUBBORN side ! according to TRUMAN WIKIA, they’re TWENTY-ONE years old, BISEXUAL, & identify as CISFEMALE ( SHE/HER ). they’re currently a STUDENT & are RELIEVED about life in truman. luckily they have HER DIARY & HER SONGBIRD NECKLACE with them & can visit THE FAIRY COTTAGE whenever they want. penned by JESS.

sooooooooo confession: i’ve never watched a descendants movie from start to finish 😬 I know! crazy considering I’m playing a character from the movies, but like, have you guys ever seen a character and just be like wOW, that is My Type of character? cause that’s what happened with audrey. descendants 3 came out and was trending, and I checked the tag and like was 👀👀👀 to audrey to the point that I watched queen of mean and got HOOKED. caught a replay of the movie and watched all the audrey parts while skipping over the rest. since then I’ve been in love with my girl and she’s been on my mind so much that I’m returning to rp after a small break to play my girl. In preparation I skimmed through descendants 1 & 3, and adurey’s youtube short story so I’m good to GO.

CANON LIFE

“A lifetime of plans, gone. Our family status, gone. Audrey, you were supposed to be his Queen, and you let him slip through your fingers. Your mother could hold onto a prince in her sleep.”

daughter of sleeping beauty and prince phillip, princess audrey has been groomed since she was a child by her grandmother to become the queen of auradon. she’d been friends with prince ben since she was a child, and was expected to marry him when she got older.

grew up used to the finer things of life, and as such, audrey was a bit self-absorbed and spoiled. became the most popular girl in school due to her status and beauty. was cheer captain. finally became romantically involved with ben at some point in high school. life was going exactly as planned.

then ben decided to invite 4 villain kids (vks) from the isle of the lost to auradon, and everything went to shit. the stark black and white, good vs. evil mentality was deeply ingrained in audrey’s psyche, so she was very much AGAINST the idea of any isle kids coming over. convinced the vks were up to no good, she never warmed up to the them, and bullied them (mostly mal) at times. and you know what? she was RIGHT

mal used a love potion to steal her boyfriend, who then humiliated audrey by serenading mal during a tourney match, where audrey was cheering at. no one gave two shits though?? or suspected foul play at all?? they just cheered and were like “ah, cool! our soon-to-be-king has suddenly declared his love for this new vk who’s only been here for a few days! how awesome and totally natural !! “

audrey was still plenty popular by the end of the movie, but her fairy godmothers decided to treat adurey to a spa trip, which turned into an extended trip that required her needing summer school bc she missed so much school (aka why she was absent for descendants 2)

by the time audrey came back in descendants 3, everyone was ALL up mal’s ass crack. ben proposed to mal in front of everyone, serenading her with the SAME song he did in the first movie when he ceremoniously proclaimed his love for mal while simultaneously dumping audrey, and everyone cheered AGAIN for their union. damn thing broke audrey’s whole ass heart. on top of that, her grandmother chastised audrey for her failures in securing ben and basically failing the family.

she also lost her status come d3??? like, at the end of d1, she was still cool as fuck. but come d3 girl is not even being invited to her friend’s birthday parties anymore?? she has no friends?? no one gives two shits about how she must be dealing with everything? and wow does that not help things at all.

that night, in her loneliness and anger, audrey decided to steal the queen’s crown from the artifacts museum. it was a petty thing. she was hurt, and just did NOT want to see the crown she’d envisioned as her own for all her life be placed on mal’s head. she didn’t have a goal beyond taking the crown. however, when she went to the museum, maleficent’s scepter sensed audrey’s emotions and desires for revenge, and revealed itself to her. it’s glow lured audrey to it, fed into her emotions, and bing bang boom, audrey became the ultra fabulous QUEEN OF MEAN

under the scepter's influence, she put half of auradon under a sleeping spell, the other half she turned to stone, then she made ben a beast after he rejected her, and made mal an ugly old hag. she was foiled at the end by mal, and ended up falling under a sleeping curse as a result. with no True Love’s Kiss to awaken her (rip), the heroes ended up getting Hades to use his magic to wake her up.

at the end, she apologizes for her crimes & her emotions were finally acknowledged when mal and ben stepped up and apologized for their inconsiderate past actions to audrey (wELL, they never actually apologize?? they say ‘I owe you an apology” but both don’t like actually say sorry, and that’s 100% something audrey has noticed for sure). she celebrates at the end with everyone else when the barrier is brought down and is last seen dancing with harry hook

POST CANON

totally headcanon that she’s still not 100% happy as she’s shown in the end while dancing around okay

she’s STILL lonely!! she STILL wants those apologies!! she’s STILL lost about what to do with her future now that her whole life plan has blown up in smokes. she’s HURT okay. her friends? abandoned her! ben? abandoned her! that one hurts the most bc after spotting that pic of audrey/ben as children together, I 100% hc that they have been best buds for years before falling into a relationship. and while it’s clear ben was not really ~in love~ with audrey ( i image they ended up getting together bc it was just Expected yknow?), audrey still had feelings for ben. even if it wasn’t true love (she def wasn’t In Love tho she thought she was), she did still love ben. he was her best friend, and the fact that he never came around to apologize to her for humiliating her the way he did after the love spell broke HURT.

also hc that she had to take a remedial goodness class following her stunt

the ending given to her is life a brief showing of her and harry hook smiling at each other all soft like before dancing, which like, i’m game for, but in terms of her actual future, audrey was trying to figure out just how to do life moving forward following everything

TRUMAN

“Tell me it was all a bad dream.”

yeah so I said audrey was relieved about her life in truman? 100000% true!

her life was incredibly sad and lonely before, so convincing her that all that shit was all just a bad dream was an incredibly easy thing to do for the descendants actors okay (im sad for her bc of this tbh)

her life as she knows it: she still comes from a family of high status and money. not technically a princess, but she sure does act like one. believes she was born and raised in truman, but was sent to boarding school at auradon prep since she was a child, where she thrived and grew into a typical Popular Girl (head of cheer team/one of the most beautiful girls), before returning to truman after graduating. basically she believes she had the same perfect life she had before in canon, minus the vks, ben, and the whole fairy tale/royalty stuff (basically everything that ruined that perfect life).

all that other extra stuff, including going all queen of mean and losing ben and being drop kicked by literally everyone, is just POOF, fuzzy memories, bad vivid horror story nightmares! every now and then she’ll witness an engagement, or spot a serenade, and it’ll trigger an overwhelming sense of sadness, but for the most part, she’s content putting her life behind her. her new life is a much happier one. that could totally change once she starts encountering people from her past life again.

only really recognizes her family members as family members, and maybe recognizes some past auradon friends (maybe chad charming as her ex since he’s the only one who didn’t totally abandon her rip)

since “returning” to truman, she’s entered university on the island. she wasn’t sure where she was going with life, but she knew she’s always been really good at drawing and really good at event planning. so in uni, she decided to keep her artistic talents as a hobby and pursue a career in event planning. in pursuit of this, she’s a senior at college, majoring in hospitality management.

PERSONALITY

positive: determined, headstrong, outgoing, self-assured, polite, moral, dedicated

negative: jealous, stubborn, demanding, bossy, petty, close-minded, seemingly mean (tho she doesn’t consider herself mean, okay? she just can come off as mean/rude)

CANON CONNECTIONS

ben & mal: need them both bc they are the ones who hurt her the most so i’d loooooove to play out these dynamics in truman!! they’d be the most Triggering faces for her

jay & harry & chad & uma: underrated audrey ships i’d love to play out bc literally crumbs are given to the majority of these dynamics, and so I want to just...explore them?? three of these 4 are vks and 2 of those 3 are people audrey actively pursued in some sort of ~connection~ at the end of the movies when the Couples got together, and she did that even tho she is very Moral and has confusing feelings about vks, and i just wanna know more!!

TRUMAN CONNECTIONS

yeah this is getting long, so I’m planning on posting a whole separate post in the truman plot tag for these wanted connections!

and yeah! that’s everything on my girl! if you’ve made it this far, you’re the best my dudes!! I’m gonna be on mobile for a good portion of the day before coming on at night, but if you’d like to do any kind of plotting with my girl, just go ahead and hit that like button, and I’ll slide in y’alls dms! ♥

#truman:intro #♦ audrey rose — intro.#intro

11 notes · View notes

poeplepound · 7 years

Photo

!!! i !!!! love these guys so much!! theyre so spectacular omfg !

also i tried to do this once already ! and i was very far into a very long info dump about these guys and i was ALmost done ,,, and my browser crashed, but im doing it again anyway because i need it (i might make typos and sound like a bum jus btw)

sean bonnette and benjamin gallaty started releasing musci together in 2005 after having worked together in a coffeeshop in pheonix arizona - sean was 18, and the buds released their debut album “candy cigarettes and cap guns” and have since released four other full albums, a handful of singles, two eps, and a compilation

sean has a bachelors degree in social work, and has always been working in homeless shelters, volunteering with youth programs, and trying to give a voice to one of the largest groups of stigmatized humans on our planet

candy cigarettes and cap guns was released when sean (30 y/o) was only 18 - and he has since recieved lots of negative feedback on offensive content in ajj’s older songs - to this, sean apologizes but says , quite frankly , that he was a yung edgy boi at that time in his life, and even if his music was offensive then , it represents a time in his life and hes not going to let its content discount that relevance

this is similar to how ajj changed their name from “Andrew jackson jihad”, sean and ben publicly decided to stop using the old band name because they aren’t muslim and have to right to use the term jihad as a part of an aesthetic - neither of the guys expected ajj to get so big, and andrew jackson jihad was adequate for a yung edgy boi garage band

ajjs vast discography centers around themes of social anxiety, privilege, depression, mania, loving how horrible life is, making the most of nothing, being nothing, and how wonderful our shitty planet is

ajj is considered folk-punk, and to a certain degree i agree with that, but to me music genres are irrelevant, and often times musicians fail to fit a category

the idea of organizing music by genres is restricting to a musician and songs and music grow as people do. in an interview with verbicide, sean said that he acknowledges ajj’s influence on “folk punk” but how the identification of what folk-punk actually is is very vague and unclear, what really Is folk-punk?

ajj has albums that are way more based in folk music, and some that are way more based in punk - some songs are very poppy, some kind of choral in nature - but somehow, ajj has a very cohesive, recognizable sound that never fails to impress and comfort me

this is in part to sean’s wonderful lyrics, they are so very very raw and uncut - he is incredibly relatable while staying poetic, and i admire that So Much. his use of metaphor in his lyrics has alwasy been apparent, but even more so in his more recent albums, and his political commentary songs are more prevalent in older songs - but they stay SO RE l AT a b LE !! every time i listen to ajj, i feel so whole and accepted and like im listening to my deepest internal thoughts and feelings in the form of beautiful lyrics and entrancing music

when asked if sean’s lyrics are a reflection of a darkness inside of him, he usualyl replies by saying that hes no darker than anyone else is - he just has a way to express and expel that darkness. after the release of knife man, sean was asked if his emotional songs were about his past and what he’s been through as a person, and hes replied by saying that a lot of what he sings about is stuff that hes seen through his job, and learned about through people he’s met and interacted with.

shortly before christmas island was recorded, sean’s grandfather passed away. his grandpa had lived with him from the time he was 13 tot he time he was 18, and he was a very major male role model in his life. christmas island has lots of imagery around death, and a lot of the songs on the album personify grief and death. sean has said that christmas island is an album about “pre-grief” meaning the way that people feel bad about death and grieve loses before theyve even happen, just beause they know theyre coming. sean’s grandfather’s death was not unexpected or sudden, and he died very happily - surrounded by all of his grandchildren, and the feeling of knowing someone you love will die shortly is what fueled a lot of the tone of christmas island.

sean is a big big fan of 90′s hip hop, and a lot of his lyrics and writing style is heavily influenced by his favorites - aesop rock, brother lynch hung, biggie, and ol dirty bastard (seriously sean is SO Iconic)

i’ve been listening to ajj since their release of “knife man” in 2011, i could never pick a favorite album of theirs - i love each of them and theyre each incredibly important to me

their 2007 album “people who can eat people are the luckiest people in the world” gave me a completely new worldview , and showed me that the world is incredibly imperfect, and humans are incredibly imperfect, but life is so worth living, and there is still so much good amazing stuff in the world

in 2008 they released the ep “plant your roots” and in 2009 “cant maintain” - both of theses eps were the first time i had found relatable emotional music that felt so accurate to myself - it was raw, it was unapologetic, it was beautiful, and it was sad. these eps have an incredible tone, and theyre both so different (cant maintain being more light and - dare i say - playful) but still so connected and deeply rooted (pun intended ;) ) in my head as near perfect expressions of my feelings

“knife man” was released in 2011 and it came into my life at a time where i was trying to learn about myself and discover who i was, and this album guided me in such a strong positive direction - it introduced me to white privilege, taught me about forgiveness, how to be unapologetically me, but still let me stay in touch with my dark, cynical, pessimistic side of myself - knife man is somehow so negative but still so positive and i think thats how a lot of real life is, and ajj captures that incredibly well

knife man was the first ajj show i ever saw, and i will never forget how captivating sean is when he preforms, his body language and his expressions reflect so much of what he’s singing, theyre so true

in 2014 they released “christmas island” and im not gonna lie when i first heard it i really didnt like it - i thought it was too poppy, and not raw enough like how ajj usually is - it felt wrong to me. but alas, i kept listening, and i soon fell in love with this album. it is indeed poppier than their other stuff, and when it came out in may of that year, i didnt really want to like it that much - and so i avoided it, and once Taylor Swift’s super poppy 1989 came out that october, i avoided it Even Harder because i felt like 2014 would be the year of great musicians selling out to labels to gain hits. eventually, i let myself sink into christmas island - i allowed myself to like it, and boy o boy did i fall in love. i saw the show and i cried. the album seamlessly ties together themes from older albums - optimism, death, unrest, self-loathing - but it introduces a new style to seans words - theyre less direct, less blunt, less in-your-face , he starts using metaphors that dont make sense the first time you listen, his lyrics take on a new type of poetry on this album - and its beautiful

christmas island is softer, its more about introspection and knowing why youre the way you are - its about emotional intelligence - this album taught me how to know whats happening, and how to accept it and learn form it and let myself dream and live, despite how shitty stuff is, and i love it.

in 2016 “the bible 2″ was released, and i waited to listen to any of it until i went to see the show - i binged the album twice through right before i went to see them, and i had really really mixed feelings about it - some of the songs i didnt understand, i didnt like the sound of some of them, and i felt like they got very preachy. once i saw them play the song “small red boy” though, i was 110% hooked - it suddenly made sense to me as an album. the sound is so personal to me, and i connect with the radio static and the messy raw noise, and the lyrics take on such a poetic, innocent tone, and all the songs are equal parts inspiring, funny, and dark. i really really really truly love this album.

this is kind of just a silly extra, but in 2015 they released a single called “keep on chooglin” and i honeslty dont understand what most of the song means, but its really a bop and its poppy and upbeat and positive, and i can gather that basically to “choogle” is to be yourself unapologetically and just do your own thing and basically fucc the haters, and its a nice song to listen to if youre feeling down because the lyrics are funny and the message is bright

ajj’s discography has gotten me through some of the hardest years of my life, and have seriously, literally, kept me from killing myself on so many occasions and i am forever grateful - if i had not stayed alive until now, i would miss so much and i would throw away my life, just because i didnt feel like making it, and now i can say in full confidence that this band has ridded me of all my suicidal ideation , and if anyone is down here reading this, im gonna make an ajj “dont die” playlist that i Will post here

in 2012, ben gallaty recorded a couple songs under the name wiccan babysitter, adn then a few years later (2016) he recorded a few more under the name benjamin galaxy - he compiled these songs in 2016 onto an lp, one side being the wiccan babysitter ep and the other being the ben galaxy ep. i didnt know this was a thing until recently? which is weird? but i have listened through the lp many times - i still dont have a strong grip on what the songs mean, but i can say that the wiccan babysitter/benjamin galaxy lp is super comforting to me as well. the sound is unique and different from ajj, but it is still warm and whole feeling, and the lyrics are still relatable to me, and i want to read more about what ben wrote about and why, but im having trouble finding info on this project

im mostly done for now, it’s very late at night, and i have work tomorrow morning, but i’ll leave u with this - youre an irreplaceable human soul with your own understanding of what it means to suffer, and thats a huge bummer

#me #mental health #ajj #info #ajj the band #actuallyautistic #infodump

9 notes · View notes

dekumidoriyall · 5 years

Text

I am a wreck man. I liked it better when I could go home and cry alone. But now "home" is ykws place and he sees me cry and I'm over it.

And if I just leave the place to cry he will also notice bc he pays too much attention which I'm not mad at I guess it's better than him not noticing anything at all which would probably make it worse. Like I know my brain would turn that into "wow he doesn't even notice when you're upset he doesn't care at all" which my ex never noticed and that was exactly the case sometimes. But then again if I actually wanted to fake it I could, but I try not to as much bc that only makes me feel worse. I'd rather not fake it, bc one that's more exhausting, and two, my brain would again try to convince me no one notices bc they don't care. And then I have to tell myself , like yeah no shit jazz you're great at faking it. So I try not to fake it with ykw, I just tone it down a bit and then will lie about it. Which is dumb and I'm glad he called me out on it. And I get he shouldn't have to drag it out of me but also I really do feel my own thoughts are sometimes irrational which is why I double layer my thoughts and have to think about them. And then it sucks when I know I'm being sad or upset for a dumb reason and then he wants to ask me about it and it's like I already know I'm dumb for even thinking this but I don't want him to know how dumb I think i am sometimes. At least how dumb my first thoughts can be sometimes. Bc like I said, I'll tell myself hey that's nonsensical. I am rational believe it or not, it's just the second layer which I thank God I'm self aware enough to at least acknowledge when my own thoughts or feelings are being dumb.

But I have been feeling distant lately and I'm sad about that at a surface level, bc I know my language is quality time and v close after that is physical touch. Like I think QT is 11 and PT is 8, and then it goes words of affirmation at 7 and then acts of service at 4 (which is weird bc I actually think this is how I show it most but I don't receive it the same) and then of course receiving gifts at 0 bc y'all know I don't care jack shit at all for things or gifts or stuff.

And it sucks bc I just live there. It's like we've said. We're just friends. So at not just the surface level but at the second level, I get even more upset with myself for being upset in the first place bc it's like c'mon jazz it doesn't matter, y'all don't owe each other anything. Y'all can talk to whomever. Y'all can do whatever tf y'all want. Y'all aren't together. It doesn't really matter. You know me, I'm no good in the middle or with uncertainty. Uncertainty is my Achilles heel.

But idk he hasn't been as cuddly lately, doesn't do the hand to waist thing almost at all anymore. We had sex (which I know is opposite of physically distant) but I dont even know where that came from but I craved the small stuff so much that I was like I'll take this if this is all I can get. I mean don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed it (although some foreplay would've been extra nice) and would ten ten do again but Physical touch isn't necessarily sex. For me it's the cuddling and the hugs and the orbiting and the almost hand holding and when the hand holding does happen it's nice. So it's not necessarily I'll take what I can get more so that I've been feeling a detachment and it was nice to feel wanted I guess. And i think this is what I like to use the most which is why I'm always like running my hands in his hair and beard and probably annoy him with the lack of physical space. But lately I feel I have to initiate all that or have to refrain completely bc I don't want to annoy him or suffocate him and again we aren't together so I shouldn't even be concerned with any of that. But I actually drafted a post about the sex thing but I couldn't even finish it bc I still am actually surprised by it. Like I honestly would've thought it was a dream if it weren't for me being sore. Like it had been months and wow it felt so great. But I literally have no idea where it came from. Literally a day before the boy and I were talking about a sermon about that. And don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it again, but there isn't a container at all right now. We aren't even dating and I can't justify it. Like of course I care about him and I have, ya know, those extra feelings, but as far as I know with him, I'm just a candidate. The "only candidate" as he put it a week or so ago, but who knows.

Again it comes back down to insecurity and uncertainty. But I put myself in this position. I started thinking about maybe I shouldve moved in with Momo but tbh I'd feel even more isolated and uncertain there so I cut that out thank God bc the enemy was really trying hard with that one.

Idk I guess nothing is really wrong it's just me I guess questioning my role in other people's lives. And I pray that I stop, bc at the end of the day it's just me and god and that relationship that matters.

Yeah I think my alignment is off, like pastor Steven furtick said in his contentment commandments sermon, if you feel like you're in a hurry, you're alignment is off. So I just need to refocus on God. Nothing else matters and I know it's easier said than done or even trying to convince me, but it won't stop me from trying.

Idk, I wish I cared less. About everything and everyone. All caring has ever gotten me is getting hurt.

And I don't want to talk about this which is why I'm writing it out. And if he needs to then I will try my best to talk it out and I don't want to not write on here bc I know he reads it, and I also don't want to refrain any of my feelings either bc this is the only way I can get them out. And sometimes I can't talk and be open about them and this is the next best thing. But I do promise to try. I am trying to be more open with him. And I wrote that thing about not being vulnerable with him and i don't want to go backwards. It was one of my intentions going into this year and I'm not gonna let one night that was bad timing ruin that. And honestly being vulnerable and open and honest with someone is very unlike me bc I am always on guard with people even though it doesn't seem it if you actually know me unless you're AJ or Kel who have gotten to know me under the surface bc even my daddy issues™ are open forum and I don't mind talking about that. But there are under the surface vulnerable feelings I've had on that that only few people know. So while it seems that I am open, I actually am always playing defense. Observing people and knowing more than I let on and feeling more than I let on. Idk I don't know if AJ gets the fact that I keep stuff to myself not bc I necessarily don't trust him, but bc the more people know about you the more they can hurt you. And idk aj knows more than Kel at this point when it comes to things that could potentially be used against me. And that's fucking terrifying.

And then always at the back of my head is this is all temporary. At any point he could get tired of me and I'd have to uproot and move again.

And you know what I have been giving him a lot of backstory lately. In the last month or so, since we had that talk about me being open, and since the first open up during Xmas and even before then when we kinda talked when we hot boxed the closet, I've been more open these past few weeks than I have the entirely of our friendship. And I don't get much back. I don't pry ever. It's not like I don't notice things. I just let him be and if he wants to tell me things then he can. Idk maybe he shows he cares by doing the prying and getting me to talk to him and tbh that's a good call bc if he didn't then I probs would spiral into a whole he doesn't care headspace. So I'm not gonna complain. And I hope he doesn't think that I don't care or notice, I just don't mind that he plays defense. Bc I do that with everyone. Well it's not that I don't mind, it's just i understand. But I notice when he gets heavy, and he won't talk to me about it or open up to me until after and even then he just brushes over it.

I don't know I feel like this post is going in circles but the more I write the more stuff is just coming to the forefront and i actually feel better but im not entirely sure any of this is coherent and also i probably misspoke on some things. But I feel better.

Long story short, I'll keep opening up bc it's something I haven't done so maybe it will be the thing that will help. And it's scary and I can't promise him 100 percent but I can promise to try and give more. I just need him to understand that I keep stuff to myself out of defense.

I'm not upset at him for anything even all the distance I've been feeling, it's just I'm sensitive to any slight change in behaviour, just like he is. He thinks he's the only keen one, and I'll give him props he's good, slightly better than me, I just don't speak on it. It doesn't bother me that he doesnt tell me everything. But my mind does go crazy with assumptions when I do notice any changes.

I just want us both to be light again. I think we've both been a bit heavy. I think we're both stressed about things that have nothing to do with each other but does affect our friendship.

We just both are people who get in our own heads. But we deal with it differently, which is okay. This is all a journey, a learning curve. And honestly it wont get better unless we both communicate better. But when neither of us likes to feel vulnerable or show weakness, it's kinda difficult. Especially me. I'm not gonna speak for him. I have to actively be aware of it. Its only 8 days into the yesr so I don't think I'm necessarily failing at choosing joy or opening up, I think it's the fact that I'm doing that is such a radical shift that I'm kinda grinding the gears within myself. So it's just growing pains.

Sorry for the long ass post I just needed a big mind dump and to turn my thoughts around from where they were bc I actually feel like I kinda made some progress within myself.

Anyway the other night was great, both AJ meeting my family and ya know coming back home. So I fully intend to still post that draft I was writing (I really still am in disbelief) bc it was about both those things. Just maybe when I let it sit for a bit longer. Also I kinda still wanna keep it for myself for a bit. I have a lot of thoughts about it. Good and maybe some, not bad, but just tangents I guess. So soon.

#personal

0 notes

hurtbymanysouls · 4 years

Text

Another diary-like post

(Ignore if you dont wana read its that simple)

I kinda miss the way my life used to be. Always active and had plans almost all the time or someone to be seeing. But i guess thats part of growing up. Your friends get busy with work and relationships and school or whatever life shit they do. Then theres me no job no real education other than high school. Dropped out of college bc the stress made my panic attacks daily and constant due to deadlines. Work job to job never really able to stay somewhere for longer than 1-2 years. Or like ive been the last year being jobless and depressed. But hey atleast my music taste is amazing. And i applied to a job i really wanted today. I just hope im good enough to get it. Or get lucky enough to actualy get it.

I guess being dumped/broken up with really did change me. Ive always ended my relationships or we came to some kind of meeting about our feelings. But being left behind like trash really hurt. And barely being able to get closeure cuz they just ran and didnt look back...that hurt even more. Almost reminds me of my birth-father leaving the U.S and barely saying anything to me since. I cant even think about her without getting sick to my stomach. I STILL have dreams about you from time to time and i wakeup with a mix of emotions i cant even begin to explain. I hear these songs about love and it makes my skin crawl and heart sink. Or i see a cute couple in public or eating food together and all i want to do is cry and ignore the feelings. Push it all so far back it goes away for now or smoke so much weed i cant fucking think about it anymore. I want that again..a relationship a REAL relationship, someone to call my own and go to anytime and tell them whats on my mind without judgement without worrying they screenshot it and post it in their group chat to make fun of. Without even thinking about them ever leaving me. Making stupid pinky promises that i would keep till my death. Showing them dumb songs with cute lyrics that makes me think of them. I fear sometimes i’ll never have that again because im too picky and needy and anxiety ridden. I guess i’ll never know if i dont try right? But im so fucking scared of showing anyone the true me, it always ends up weirding them out or they just think im a freak. Or being left on read and never replied to. Just because i like weird things dosent mean anything. It dosent define who i am. Who knew my love for trauntulas, content creators, and thinking all of life is a simultion would make people think im a freak lul. I guess i just need someone as weird as me so they know what its like. Or maybe i need a normal person to balance out my weird nature, honestly i just want someone to have genuine feelings for me. Not forced not fake. No having people set us up together then it failing miserably.

Ever since 2018 i havent felt right and feel like everyday i spend sitting around depressed makes my life worse. I feel like i left a piece of what i was back then. But that piece of me can stay in 2018. I either crave attention or want everybody to leave me alone. Theres no in between. I just need to find the happiness within myself and make it grow. Watering it everyday and slowing growing it. I will shine again like i used to. Always as a kid i would say im super optomistic negativity always makes me feel weird. No more bad choices. No more nervous breakdowns or panic attacks when i should hold strong ive dealt with worse. Cutting toxic people or people whos views dont match mine (politically) cut them off too. I need to promise myself to keep growing. Im like a tree. Let my roots grow deep and my branches high. No more ignoring people when they want to make plans with me. I need to open my mouth and say what i feel because if i dont who the fuck is going to for me?? Litteraly no one. I’m the only person that can tell what im thinking and feeling. So i should just be honest and open with those that i trust. I have lots to change and im already working on myself as hard as i can. And im even working out again following people on the internet and finding workout routines you can do at gome to make myself phyically happier with myself and feel more confident. I dont wana die fat and sad. I wana die slightly chubby and happy. Idk this post has dragged on. But i just needed to vent my thoughts because they eat away at me. Plus im scared to talk like this to people close to me just because thats how my anxiety makes me think.

Im gonna start a cult, a cult of happy people. - The Front bottoms

Songs im currently beinge listening to:

The front bottoms - camoflague

The front bottoms - tighten up

The front bottoms - west virgina

The front bottoms - au revoir

The feont bottoms - twin size mattress

Hobo johnson & the love makers - peach scone

The story so far - quicksand

The story so far - placeholder

The story so far - Daughters

The story so far - swords and pens

The story so far - high regard

The story so far - nerve

The story so far - upside down

Lil peep - starshopping

Lil peep - driveway

Lil peep - another song

Lil peep - suck my blood

Lil peep - praying to the sky

Lil peep - pray i die

Lil peep ft lil tracy - i crash, u crash

Lil peep - favorite dress

Mac miller - self care

Mac miller - good news

Mac miller - surf

$uicide boy$ - hard to tell

$uicide boy$ - my flaws burn through my skin like demonic flames from hell

$uicide boy$ - ...and so it was

$uicide boy$ - new chains same shackles

$uicide boy$ - DRUGSHOESMONEYETC

Juice wrld - flaws and sins

Juice wrld - robbery

Juice wrld - lean wit me

Enjoy. And if you made it this far thanks for dealing with my shitty posts and personality.

#personal #diary

0 notes