#i really do like it sometimes

[autumnbell32]

I've had bad depressive episodes- more than I count- since I was 12. The hypomanic episodes- I don't know how long I've had them. Sometimes, since my baseline is usually sadness and anxiety peppered with neutrality, it is hard for me to tell the difference between feeling happy and hypomania- Am I just feeling good? Am I scrambling to get everything done before the next depression hits or is this maniacal energy? The past few days...there has been NO question that I'm hypomanic, perhaps even experiencing full blown mania.

These are the worst symptoms I have ever had. I've heard things before...during a bad depressive episode and during times when I am overstimulated or sleep-deprived. They've always caught me by surprise- I hear them internally, of course, but imagine being completely alone and hearing a voice that isn't coming out of your own mouth or your phone. I've always paused after it happens, at least momentarily. Before this week, they had been nonsensical words and phrases that weren't contextual. Today, though. I woke up after few hours of sleep and immediately I was in eye-bulging, hand-trembling, panic city.

I couldn't stay in bed anymore. I got up, pulled my hair back, and went and got my usual iced coffee. LIKE AN IDIOT. Sure, lets add caffeine to this mix of heart palpitations and paranoia. Dum-dum. By the time I got back home I was sitting in my car, hearing a voice telling me I was "loveless." "It's just a voice...a biochemical issue...a brain glitch from new meds and genetics and lack of sleep." Yeah, I started bawling anyways. Loveless? Add into the fact that I have zero confidence right now and feel the most unmarketable I have ever felt and feel super attracted to someone I am talking to who, I'm pretty sure, thinks I'm a soft 4 (if that). And then someone on the Youtube replied to a non-inflammatory comment I made about Pete Davidson's fine self with insults of me being ugly and fat. I stared at the vegetarian breakfast sandwhich I had in the seat next too me, felt nauseated and it was waterworks. Fuck, I'm just trying my best. The psych meds have put weight on me.

I called my mom, asked her if I seem hypomanic. "Nope you seem happy." I called my brother, with his steady, calculated tone and told him my symptoms and told him I was scared. I mean, they aren't equipped to deal with this but I don't talk to many people. OH and I messaged the person I am talking to, who also deals with similar issues, and had a meltdown. I mean, things are great 👍. I went inside, called a nurse line and messaged my therapist, both advised ER. I can't. I can't miss any work. I'll go to this 6 hour short shift and drive myself to ER afterwards if I still feel like my brain is rolling out of my skull and down into a ditch. I have the next two days off. I called my insurance's helpline that is staffed with LCSWs, telling her I can't miss work, and we came up with a plan. Which I have written down on a notecard to keep in my pocket today. Listen, my aunt was late onset schizophrenic and her daughter was as well, I'm not going to pretend like I'm not scared. But all I can do is try to support myself and handle it. And not panic.

I had plans to go to a haunted house/Halloween theme park tonight as well. I love love love horror, but I'm guessing that could be triggering for me right now so I canceled. I feel so badly, he got tickets. But I have to coddle this organ under my skullcap right now. It's the only one I have.

I feel like I'm going to vomit.

#bipolar disorder #auditory hallucinations #mental illness stigma #mental health awareness #mental illness advocacy #disability advocacy #mental illness and relationships #please god let me hold onto this brain #i really do like it sometimes #things were getting better-ish #give me a fucking break #writer #writeblr #writing #creative writing

[verflares]

i thought i felt your shape, but i was wrong. really all i felt was falsely strong, i held on tight and closed my eyes. it was dumb, i had no sense of your size. it was dumb to hold so tight.

#tumblr murked my quality so bad MY GODDDD please click on this i promise i have somewhat of an idea of wht im doing. kinda #anyway i once again have no idea what i was doing here but i did have fun. they make me miserable in the best way possible #im trying to be a bit more experimental both in style and colour... well. half on tht last one (guy who really likes reds and blues) #but im trying out line weight a bit more. hooty hoo. going to try drawing some more practice portraits n stuff soon #link #zelda #loz #botw #zelink #(a smidge bcus im insane. as usual) #princess zelda #zelda botw #link botw #loz fanart #tloz #i add new tags each time. i just like to get silly with it sometimes tbh :] #my art

[inkskinned]

crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

#spilled ink #writeblr #personal #please don't ask me to talk on my experience on the spectrum lol. i hate how ppl talk to me about it #i really try not to write so specifically about it #bc inevitably someone talks to me like im a child #i think this is the first time i've ever openly identified with it but i've been hinting for years #i might delete this. feels big. #the thing is that being on the spectrum actually IS a spectrum #and if u say ur autistic #inevitably someone makes an assumption about ur needs/symptoms #please do not treat me differently than u usually would. like.... we can tell when you do #and like i mention. i do appreciate the effort. i do truly appreciate the effort. #but it still feels like... #when i was blind. sometimes people kind of did the same-ish thing. #they'd find out i was blind and start talking really loudly? #and while i KNOW they're just trying to help. it would be like. i'd be trying to find #the right way into a building (sometimes only 1 door is unlocked and i couldn't see the signs posted about where to go) #and ppl would be like ''OH UR BLIND? YES SO THIS IS A DOOR. IT OPENS INTO THE BUILDING. IT IS LOCKED NOW." #''A DOOR CAN BE FOUND IN MANY LOCATIONS.'' #and it feels like. when i admit to being autistic #someone comes screeching into my life being like THIS IS A DOOR.

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

forever obsessed with dynamics between vampires, specifically that of a maker and fledgling, as a way to explore abuse. the creation of a vampire itself can so easily be a literalization of the lasting impacts of trauma and also much more simply the ways a perpetrator might shape their victim’s very identity. the extremes of isolation in the way that the new vampire, in most narratives, must cut all ties to their mortal life, or else go through an elaborate charade to maintain the facade of humanity, while forever still being removed from it. and the sheer dependence and vulnerability of being in an entirely new state of being, wholly uncertain of what it entails, and relying on another person to define… everything.

#or just the moral dilemmas #rewatching amc interview is kind of making me insane #that moment in episode two when louis is looking for a sort of assurance in the fact that lestat may actually have some good in him #look at how he cares about music look at the simple wondrous things that can bring him joy #and then the immediate dread when the opera performance turns out to be imperfect because he knows how lestat will react to *that* #I think there’s also something really interesting in the highlighting of lestat upbraids the less skilled singer before killing him #(slowly) #but also I will wait to watch more before I articulate my thoughts #vampires #interview with the vampire #amc interview with the vampire #i ramble sometimes #I do still find the lestat and claudia film and novel dynamic by far the most compelling for how she tries to usurp him but almost to be him #but I’m enjoying this #I’m very curious if I will like show claudia more on rewatch #the movie always resonated most with me (sue me lol) because there seemed to be more simultaneous fondness and attachment even at the end

[medicalunprofessional]

ohhh hell yes

#psychonauts #g-men #trainofthought #pls ignore the hand i know its kind of ass i dont care 🏃🏃🏃🏃 #i drew this like 2 days ago but i just had to post it on a friday or it would be wrong #sometimes i draw shoes really good and this is one of these times for some reasob #i fucking love drawing these thingd #wait like do the g-men actually get the weekend off or.:.?????? #i dojt care. i think they shpuld be allowed a day off (they will discuss their theories and like. play board games. but really boring ones)

[egophiliac]

redesigning my headcanon for Sebek's parents, based on important new information (SCALES)

(you can't see it but they're both wearing crocs)

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers #they are truly the most inspiring love story of our generation #though i guess he's not dr. zigvolt since zigvolt is the clan name... #unless he took her name which i absolutely could see. why would you ever not want to be called zigvolt. #this does tie nicely in with my headcanon that sebek's siblings got more of the fae features than he did #and he has a Complex about it #i get the impression that sebek's siblings are much closer in age to each other and also have more of their dad's chill #so sebek is sort of the baby of the family and he's got a Complex about that too #i think a lot about the zigvolt family for characters who have never actually appeared #on the subject of actual canon though #i do actually really appreciate that both sebek and silver each had a little moment of reassuring each other #that this is 400 years ago and also incredibly unfortunate circumstances #and present-day reality lilia and baul love them very much #(i do think sebek is secretly baul's favorite grandkid) #it was just nice to see! especially from sebek! he is sometimes a very thoughtful boy and it's always nice to see that side of him #sebek trying SO hard to get baul to like him though 😭 #and lilia being like 'aw i think you're getting kind of fond of him :)' #i love. Characters.

[flickering-nightfall]

Experiments with pupils and mouths that devolved into shenanigans :)

#you can really tell I was having a normal one when I drew these #I like many of the pupil experiments but don't really like mouths on my iterators #i've seen some people do mouths on itties well though #...really enjoyed noisy cat spearmaster with a mouth tbh #no plans on changing how i usually draw things rn. this was just for fun #Sometimes I miss having pupils and mouths to work with (on slugcats and itties) #Not having either on iterators can be a unique challenge that forces me to practice my body language more #which I like drawing anyways so it works out #antennae are suuuper fun to use for expressions too #rain world #flickerdoodles #art #group pic

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

holding hands platonically. reblog if you agree

#when I was like a freshman in high school I had one friend at church who was super tactile and extroverted #and she would come sit next to me and hold my hand at church sometimes #she eventually moved to a different church and we were never super close to begin with - just proximity friends #but I remember that bc it was really nice to hold someone's hand #sometimes I do it with my sister or my cousins or occasionally gurt #but I think we should normalize platonic hand holding yknow?? like everyone should know about this it's GREAT #Lu rambles #<3 #platonic posting

[g0nefischin]

Unhinged ball of stress who needs a hug

#my art #I do dabble in fnaf sometimes #and I havent drawn the jesters yet so I drew sun #I really liked Sun and moon from SB #And the puppet back from the second game aswell #Fnaf #DCA #Sundrop #sun fnaf #sundrop fnaf #daycare attendant #security breach

[britomart]

Bruce Springsteen ↳ I'm on Fire (Paris, 1985)

[ID: Two black and white gifs of Bruce Springsteen from the side as he sings "Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull / And cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my skull". /end ID.]

#bruce springsteen #brucespringsteenedit #im on fire tag #my old springsteen gifs keep popping up in my notes and i am so glad everyone is still enjoying them #but i think theyre so ugly and do not do the man justice 😭😭😭 #so here are some new ones <3 #tbh sometimes i forget the major springsteen moment i had like . just last year .... but he never really leaves you huh

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girl found dead in a hidden room.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #lan xichen #jin guangyao #jiang cheng #wei wuxian #qin su #EDIT: Tumblr published an earlier draft with only half the notes I wrote so: late entry on my JGY thoughts. #Unlike the mystic powers of the stockmarket (what the OG meme is referring to) I think this situation calls for more active investigation. #qin su is such a deeply tragic character to me and I really wish we got a bit more from her. #Love everyone who sent me messages about her after the last time she appeared. #I think she needs a spin off of her being a transmigrator SO badly. #MDZS has so many interesting characters - but it sometimes fails to give them the proper room to really develop past a role in the plot. #That's just the consequence of writing a story like MDZS. Not every character in a book *needs* to have a rich inner life and backstory! #To do so would bog down the story and obliterate any notion of pacing. It's just not possible. #Jin Guangyao (nee Meng Yao) is unfortunately not free from this leeway rule. He is the culprit of this murder mystery plot #and thus NEEDS to encapsulate the themes of the book. And personally he's a 7 out of 10 at best on this front (in the AD). #MDZS is about rumours twisting reality and working towards truth. And about how people & situations are rarely ever black & white #JGY has his motivations. He's well written in regards to his actions making sense for his character. #What started as good traits (drive to succeed & improve his image) became twisted over time (do anything to maintain his image) #and it's a good parallel to WWX! He has the same arc (with different traits)! Bonus points for IGY in that regard. #but man....by the time we confront this guy for murder there's not a lot of grey morality. He's just...deep in the hole *he* dug. #There's a beautiful tragedy to it! More on JGY in later comics - this is getting pretty long already!

[thevegetablewhichnoonedaresname]

I really like that scene in mob psycho 100 where those random guys try to bully mob, but then, before mob can even do anything, dimple makes the guy disrobe and ritsu tries to kill him and the body improvement club just kinda circles up and squishes him between their pecs until the guys beg for mercy and leave. because it's a very stupid scene. kinda the epitome of the show's goofy weird slapstick humor. and so when you're watching it the first time you assume that's the purpose of the scene--to be dumb slapstick humor. because it succeeds at that, so it would be perfectly functional if that's all it was.

but THEN it turns out that it's actually setup for two episodes later when mogami traps him in a mind dimension to try and turn him evil and he's standing in the SAME PLACE and he sees ritsu on the bridge but ritsu doesn't acknowledge him. and he gets bullied. and not only is he powerless to defend himself, he has no one who cares. the scene plays out an evil mirrored version of itself where it's straightforward. it's harsh. it's empty. mob gets beaten up, and he is alone.

and that would've been a good scene on its own, too. but to me the fact that you see the silly ridiculous version of it FIRST (the one that culminates in the body improvement club suffocating a guy with their man boobs) is really important to me. because then, later, you feel how much more it hurts for mob to be alone when you've already seen what it could be, what it is. and then on a rewatch when you see the goofy version of the scene you can't help but feel an undercurrent of dread and a sense of how dangerously close the absurd is to tipping over into something way too real and visceral. which is a feeling that runs throughout the entire show.

anyway.

#pickle pontificates #mp100 #mob psycho 100 #for the record i haven't watched mob in a minute and i haven't really been thinking about it more than usual recently #but it's so stuck in my heart that sometimes a scene or a theme will just pop up as I'm like. brushing my teeth or whatever #and i get all emotional again #the way mp100 mixes absurdism and pathos is just really special to me okay. no one is out here doing it like that but mp100

[b4kuch1n]

polymer broadcast signal hijack

#pikmin #captain olimar #ft. louie captain shepherd and collin #as well as #moss (pikmin) #watched a stream series of pikmin 4 (its frankenbugs' series) thats what this is about really #but mostly. I just love olimar. I just really enjoy that man #also this really got me flexing those bande dessinée muscles from back thens lol #Ive missed drawin with this kinda proportions... I should do it more #Im gonna draw an olimar to put in my wallet. I need to make my life harder to explain to strangers #I also wanna. add more details to his space suit. make it look more like real life space suit for fun & entertainment #man I enjoy the animals in pikmin so much. they really are just like. animals. theyre animals #its great I love how genuinely bug-lookin the bugs are even with the stylization. pikmin and pokemon are really good at that #would like to learn how to do that... sometimes in the future #oh yeah fun fact. my effort at cleaning up my undercut a few days ago went badly. right before I went to a family reunion thing for 2 days #so I was goin out of my mind at that event postin abt olimar bc I love him #and then. when I got home. I decided to shave my head instead of trying to fix the haircut again #and so the sequence of events becomes I post about olimar -> I enter my bald arc #I am okay with this. have a good night lads. binding books is actually really fun u should try it

[whimsyprinx]

“people who don’t block and report bots are why they’re still here” actually staff not properly dealing with them theirselves is why the bots are still here, not people who got tired of having to block and report several bots a day

#whimsy whispers #like I’m glad you still have the energy to block and report sometimes 10+ bots a day but that’s just too much I shouldn’t have to be blockin #and reporting bots anyways #I really hate how blame-y some of y’all are #also give us a combination report and block button please #I just block them and I’m not gonna get mad at people who do one or the other or neither #it’s tedious and annoying

[hellneedsaruler]

Fanfic is the peak human experience out there . Everyday a different stranger tells me a bed time story about two fictional men we’re both obsessed with

#sometimes i really love humans #like the idea is just soo !!! #and they’re doing it for free too #and you get to click on the little kudos button and make the bed time story stranger happy #amazing #it’s 7 am and i should probably sleep #screaming into the tumblr void #random thoughts

[chloesimaginationthings]

THE WILLIAMS ❤️❤️❤️🤤🤤

They look so good on your style OMGG ❤️❤️

I’m glad yall liked the Williams comic!!!

#ask reply #honestly the reaction to that comic was way more than I expected #but I’m so glad it hit well with yall #especially shout out to the DSAF fans #you guys really just keep yalls hype up and high and we’re so nice #very good vibes all around #I’ll hopefully draw some of these Williams again sometime #game William I definitely could do more with #and in general I’d like to make more jokes around the books but we’ll see #AGAIN TYSM FOR ALL THE LOVE on that comic 💜