#i tend to have issues organizing my thoughts and feelings to even figure out how tf i’m feeling

[stergeon]

for the writer ask

💭🚦💛 💌

💭 What inspires you and your writing?

this is a real marketing major-ass answer (from your local marketing major), but i love sharing knowledge and telling stories. writing’s one of those things that’s a bit of a compulsion for me—i’m always writing something. i took a five-year break from fiction writing before i stumbled ass-first into fanfic last year, but even in those years when i was focusing on my career, i was writing guides and trainings and a ton of other stuff—just not anything fun, lol.

writing is also so cathartic. sometimes i set out to tell a specific story, but at other times, a particular emotion gets me in a vice grip and i have to put it to words before it’ll go away. my stories tend to wind up as emotional dumping grounds as a result.

i don’t write things pulled directly from my own life, but there are bits and pieces of myself and things that have happened to me scattered throughout stuff i’ve written, and usually when i’m about 75% of the way through a piece, i’ll realize it’s absolutely related to something i’m currently going through. funny how art works that way, even when you don’t intend for it to.

and occasionally i just have a fire lit under my ass about an issue and i get so hot about it that i gotta compile my thoughts. looking at you, silver snow

🚦 What sort of endings do you prefer to write: ambiguous, bad, happily ever after, etc.?

look, i would love nothing more for them girls (pick whichever girls you please) to have a happy ending where they kiss and are stupid in love for the rest of forever. i love reading those kinds of stories. but in my heart of hearts, i love an ambiguous ending. i like when there are still questions after the story ends. i like thinking about where things could go or how the characters will go on after the events of the story. like, shared space could be read as having a happy ending, but i don’t really think it is. and with the victors; the vestiges, well. you’ll see :0)

come to think of it, i’m not sure i’ve ever written a happily-ever-after, but i don’t think i’ve ever written a 100% bad ending, either. i read too many bury-your-gays stories and watched too many sad european queer coming-of-age films in my youth to ever be happy putting that kinda thing out into the world. i want to write about love with all its ugliness, but not despair or hopelessness. i think what most appeals to me about an ambiguous ending is that lingering feeling of hope. it’s not the same as the kind you get from a happily-ever-after, and something about it speaks to me.

💛 What is the most impactful lesson you’ve learned about writing?

honestly? how to take criticism. i took a creative writing class in high school where we had to read our work out loud and then receive feedback on it from the other writers in the class, and that did a lot for me. going into that class, i’d already been writing for forever and had won some little local writing contests and such, so i was a wee bit of a pretentious douche. but i’d never gotten real critique before beyond, essentially, spelling and grammar checks. it humbled me lol. it made me grow so much as a writer, and i could see where i needed to improve or where my head was wedged way too far up my own ass for others to follow. it also helped me recognize strengths i didn’t know i had, and that was huge. it’s easy to get into a self-doubt spiral when making creative work, and good, constructive criticism can do so much to help avoid that.

to this day i love critique. i like knowing what worked or didn’t work so that i can continue to improve as a writer and do better next time. did my themes land? did something really work, but another part fall flat? i’d love to know!! i try to treat everything i write as practice for the next thing, and frankly that’s helped take some of the pressure off so i don’t go into total Perfectionist Mode.

i know critique is kind of a sensitive topic in fan spaces, but i think that’s because a lot of people have gotten unsolicited criticism that is purely critical and isn’t constructive. but getting good, constructive criticism will do so much to help a person grow as a writer. it’s scary, and sometimes it hurts! writing is very personal for most people, and it stings when things aren’t received the way you think they will be. but i know i’ve grown more from having my failures pointed out (and, very importantly, having the good things about those efforts acknowledged) than anything else.

💌 Is there a favorite trope you like to write?

actually Just answered this in another ask!

#sterge.eml #foxyjeongin #thank you for playing my little game and letting me talk about stories (and about me lmao) #sorry this is kind of a long post #i talk too much #i think i sound pretentious in this ask whoops. sorry #unfortunately i kind of am. i’m working on it. #… ​i guess the short answer to that first question is ‘emotions and mental illness’ lol #if you follow me on twitter (not recommended as it’s just me complaining about the weather and not being able to ride my motorcycle) #you know that every time i bring up my writing in therapy my therapist rocks my shit by revealing the story is #in fact. #NOT about what i thought it was about #or more accurately ​it’s ALSO secretly about whatever’s going on with me in real life lmao #y’know what’s really fun? looking back at something you wrote in a manic or depressive episode and going ah. hm. interesting. #the signs were. in fact. there. #(this is in fact not fun and i don’t like it. but it always happens.) #everything i write is accidentally Also about being bipolar. no getting around that #i tend to have issues organizing my thoughts and feelings to even figure out how tf i’m feeling #(forget making any attempt at doing so verbally. i have chronic foot-in-mouth disorder and accidentally say shit i don’t mean all the time) #but writing stuff down has always helped me sort through whatever mess is going on in my noggin and i love it for that #learning how to take critique is my no. 1 piece of writing advice but no. 2 is to read #read the classics. find out why they’re classics. read weird shit. read shit you don’t like. find things you like about em anyway. #and importantly: figure out WHY you do or don’t like it #it’s funny to re-read a book i haven’t read in a long time and discover OH. that’s where i get that technique from. #or that’s where i got that idea. or that’s why i had X thing happen in this story. #or why i like this type of character or scenario #nothing’s truly new and original #we’re all an amalgamation of influences and that ruuuuules #celebrate it!!!

[feluka]

It’s always sad when a fandom friend who shared your opinions for literal years turns out to be a zionist. Like why did this happen to me 3 times already?! I never seen a hint they could be like this when they’re primarily manga blogs. Unfollow ofc but I feel like I’ve wasted all this time and feeling of fellowship on them :/

Reminds me of Angela Davis calling Palestine the 'moral litmus test', because unless you yourself are putting in active effort to keep the conversation about Palestine going, it tends not to come up in everyday conversation (well, depends on where you are) whereas with some other issues it's easier to figure out organically where a person stands so you end up getting shocked by how people who previously seemed very progressive and humanitarian suddenly reveal themselves to be apathetic (or even gleeful) about the suffering of so many innocents.

I've avoided this because I've been posting about Palestine long before October 7th (I was about to type 'comes free with being Arab' but looking at fellow Arabs who are being silent made the words die on my lips) so I think such people already knew from the beginning that I'm not their friend, but I sympathize a lot with feeling isolated in a fan community because of your stance on something, and feeling like you constantly having to look over your shoulder instead of just letting loose and having fun.

I'm really sorry that you've been let down by someone you thought was a friend. If it's any consolation, I've learned that a wonderful thing about making friends *through* activism is that the friendship tends to prosper even outside the context of activism. Knowing that you share fundamental principles with someone makes for a very secure friendship! For example, recently a lot of us have rallied together to support each other's arguments and cultivate a strong front and exchange sources, but what's heartwarming about all of it is that many of these people have then reached out to ask about shared interests and hobbies and to talk about them together. Love and community is a big part of activism and there's always room in that for you.

Much love. ❤

#asks

[audhd-nightwing]

stranger things autism squad hcs

- the squad consists of jonathan, eddie, robin, steve (and will but i’ll talk abt him with the rest of the party’s hcs)

the rest of them are also neurodivergent, mainly adhd or anxiety and obviously they all have ptsd

- eddie robin and steve also have adhd (and steve has dyslexia)

- steve and jonathan tend to get overstimulated by the same things, same with eddie and robin

- eddie and jonathan have music playing 24/7 so their thoughts don’t get too loud

- steve is hyper-empathetic to the ppl around him and tends to mimic stims and tics from the others

a lot of times robin and steve end up mimicking the same stuff back at each other until one of them gets distracted (which is usually pretty fast)

- jonathan is touch averse, can only handle being touched by family/very close friends

- steve is touch starved and finds physical affection grounding (and eddie and robin are happy to oblige bc they do too)

- steve has a super high pain tolerance

- eddie does not understand the concept of personal space

- steve has excellent hand-eye coordination (basketball!) but that’s about it, he’s almost as clumsy as robin most days

- eddie has lived off of solely spaghettio’s and chicken nuggets for 19 years

- jonathan can’t drink any beverage other than water

- the only food steve knows how to make is his and robins comfort foods (his is mac and cheese, robin’s is pancakes)

- the four of them are completely clueless when people try to subtly hint or imply things to them. they will not get it unless it is explicitly stated

- steve and eddie have a good sense of direction but mess up left and right, jonathan and robin are the opposite, they get lost constantly but make fun of steve and eddie for having to do the L thing (iykyk) to figure out left/right

- eddie ends up chewing on paper a lot and has accidentally swallowed a bunch

- eddie and steve are incapable of doing homework and are terrible test-takers

- steve and robin are perfectionists but in different ways. steve will start organizing peoples rooms subconsciously and has a bunch of random little rules for himself (tie left shoe first, check locks three times, etc.) robin is a perfectionist about her grades/band/how she looks/etc.

- jonathan and steve hate making eye contact, eddie makes too much eye contact and robin doesn’t even look up from her book when people talk to her

- eddie and robin accidentally eavesdrop a lot but end up getting a bunch of town gossip and tell steve about it. they’re all really invested in mr. clarke’s love life

- eddie and jonathan have synesthesia

- jonathan has a lack of facial expressions while eddie and robin over-exaggerate theirs. steve masks the most so he has “normal” facial expressions

- steve has trouble expressing himself a lot of the time, he’ll usually ask robin for certain words to describe things and bc she loves big words and vocabulary she always has one

- robin is a terrible liar and steve finds it hilarious

- they all tend to recharge on their own after a lot of socializing, or they all go to steve’s and just like. exist together

- steve keeps a very strict schedule and gets really anxious/upset when it’s messed up

- robin and eddie tend to overshare

- jonathan and steve talk pretty monotone (jonathan more so) while robin and eddie talk in super energetic or dramatic tones (they’re both former theatre kids i can feel it in my bones)

- steve has auditory processing issues, often asks people to repeat what they said (overtime he also starts to lose his hearing so he ends up learning to read lips)

- when they’re anxious robin and eddie usually go hyperverbal, while steve and jonathan tend to go nonverbal

- steve and eddie have echolalia and both used to get super frustrated with themselves before they met and were like “oh im not the only one thank fuck”

- jonathan and robin have photographic memories, steve and eddie have trouble remembering what they had for breakfast

- robin is pretty blunt but steve appreciates it because she gets straight to the point and calls him out if he does something stupid (aka smth King Steve would do)

- steve’s main mask is, obviously, king steve. his parents didn’t like the way he acted when he was younger, they wanted a “normal” child. so they trained him to be one. he still falls back into old habits some days but robin or eddie snap him out of it and comfort him after

- steve and robin mask the most, but steve does wayyy more than all of them combined. robins parents are autistic so she only really masks around people in public

she does around steve until they get closer and she feels comfortable enough to unmask (though she doesn’t really know why,,) and steve notices and is like “…you can… take it off?” and robin realizes oh he’s like me

- joyce is an amazing mother and jonathan only ever felt the need to mask around lonnie. once he leaves (aka joyce kicks him out with hopper’s help) will and jonathan rarely mask at home unless they’re really anxious or upset

- eddie masked most of his childhood. when he grows up he masks around his dad, but not anyone else. he thought if anyone hated him they could go fuck themselves. wayne is also autistic so they never feel the need to mask around each other. he still doesn’t give a shit what other people think of him (and tries to help the others feel that way too)

their special interests:

- jonathan’s is photography

- eddie’s are dnd and metal music

- robins are cryptography and linguistics

- steve’s are hair care and marvel comics

steve infodumps to dustin and robin about them but doesn’t tell anyone else (besides will) because it’s “nerdy” lmao. and yes when eddie finds out he falls even harder for him

#stranger things #steve harrington #eddie munson #robin buckley #jonathan byers #will byers #autistic will byers #autistic robin buckley #autistic steve harrington #autistic eddie munson #autistic jonathan byers #autism swag #steddie #stranger things headcanons #joyce byers #wayne munson #platonic stobin #platonic stonathan #steve and robin #steve and jonathan #steve x eddie

[antianakin]

So this post has been floating around my brain for a bit https://www.tumblr.com/coupleofdays/746467882552180736/in-the-republic-commando-books-author-karen?source=share

where op mentions force induced HRT. What are your thoughts on the idea? Do you think the jedi even considered bio sex as important considering their luminous beings who don't really value crude matter as much? Granted, Star Wars doesn't really handle gender issues that well, but the core of jedi beliefs seems to be firmly based on ideas that are very pro-lgbtq and anti-discrimination. Sorry if this is out of your usual area of expertise, but I figured you know a lot more jedi lore to confirm if it's accurate

I wouldn't consider myself a massive expert in Jedi lore or lore about the Force, but Karen Traviss's books are pretty non-canon at this point, so we have to start from there.

Force healing is something of a controversial topic as some people feel like it makes a lot of sense for them to be able to do it given what ELSE they can do and other people feel like it makes the narrative a little nonsensical to introduce the concept of healing with the Force when we never see Jedi in Lucas's canon being able to utilize that skill even when it would be pretty helpful to do so. Obviously the Sequels chose to bring it in, but they were able to sort-of give the caveat that these two people were the ONLY ONES who could do it because they had a dyad which gave them access to additional power for healing or something like that. The Mandalorian then also tossed it in where it was used in a more GENERAL sense, so at this point you can argue that it's canon in Disney's canon, and more specifically it's canon to the Mandoverse canon. But it was not and has never been a part of Lucas's canon.

As for what the Jedi would've actually thought about things like being transgender, I firmly believe the Jedi were very open-minded about all of those kinds of things. The Jedi are the most diverse organization in the entirety of Star Wars, bar none, and like you mentioned, they have a focus on who a person is beyond "that crude matter" of the physical body. Yoda says something similar to the clones in episode 1 of TCW where he tells them your eyes can deceive you and that, regardless of what they look like, they are each different in the Force. We see the Jedi consistently respect the clones as individuals throughout TCW, too, indicating a respect for the clones' personhood that goes beyond just what their body looks like. We also know from TCW that the Jedi encouraged the clones' "independence" and expressing their individuality, which we see includes things like different hair cuts and hair colors, different painted designs on their armor, tattoos, etc. Among their own members, we see plenty of differences in personal expression among the Jedi, too, from hair styles to clothes to tattoos. The Jedi are demonstrated within higher canon to be very accepting of how people choose to identify themselves and don't see the physical body as the primary defining trait for a person's identity.

I also honestly find the concept of transphobia and homophobia in the GFFA a little ridiculous given how normal it is to be interacting with multiple different alien species, some of which aren't even really humanoid at all. So while I imagine the Jedi themselves would be quite open-minded about all of this, I tend to headcanon the GFFA as sort-of free of transphobia and homophobia just in general. There's never any indication that it exists in higher canon, which is primarily due to a lack of any representation in higher canon and straight being the default, but there's no indication that Vel and Cinta are treated differently or have to hide their relationship specifically due to homophobia.

#star wars #jedi

[eccentric-nucleus]

covid stuff

the last several years have really done a number on my emotional wellbeing. like i would have already said on the whole i tend to be a fairly unhappy person but it's definitely gotten substantially worse with covid. basically every time i go out there are these waves of sadness and anger that just kinda wash over me continually. it's not great.

i don't really like being around people. when i was a kid i got yelled at a lot for, like, not wanting to go to the babysitter's, not wanting to spend time around other people, not really wanting to be in any kind of position where i could be observed by other people. there was a lot of, you know, "listen everybody has to deal with other people sometimes, and part of existing in society is not making things an enormous hassle for other people". yeah yeah plenty of stuff makes you miserable but it is genuinely not the responsibility of other people to restructure their whole lives around whatever upsets you; sometimes you have to just suck it up and deal for the overall good of, like, society. sure. it feels like i am constantly tolerating a lot of things for the good of society

and then covid hits, and it becomes clear that nobody really meant that, not really. i learned the lesson wrong and thought the point was 'for the good of society' and not 'people should never be expected to restructure their lives'. oh, right, it was always about normality all along. if keeping things normal requires hassling some introverted kid, then we gotta hassle that kid. if keeping things normal requires millions dying and who-know how many getting serious, still-unknown long-term medical issues from a plague, well, that's just a cost we'll have to pay. i'm kind of furious every single time i go into a building and i see nobody wearing masks. it's the smallest fucking thing but this vast confluence of habit and pressure means that oh i guess even that was too much to ask.

like a little personal information, i guess: literally every single time i have gone outside in the past four years i have been wearing a mask. it's been annoying! i got pressure bruises on my nose several times! i'm really lucky i don't actually have some job that requires me to interact with people for 8 hours of the day, b/c then i'd have to have figured out something that doesn't wear away at the flesh of my nose longterm. wearing a mask kinda sucks, actually. it's still such a small fucking thing to do and it has such a well-documented impact on transmission rates

it's not like covid went away! covid is going to be around for the rest of human history! waves will come and waves will go, and it's still mutating furiously, & all we can really hope for at this point is that at some point, uh, probably in the next hundred years, it spreads to a form that doesn't give people organ damage. another huge scientific breakthrough that manages to kill off the common cold would be okay too, i guess.

just... seeing all of society go laser-focused on pretending things are fine and nobody needs to go out of their way to mitigate risk or accomodate other people just seems deeply and utterly grotesque. a profound and utter abandonment of any sense of morals or ethics, just to keep things Normal.

so yeah covid on the whole has made me a much more unhappy person. i go through this whole train of thought basically every single time i step outside, which is probably unhealthy. but that's how it is

[yellowhollyhock]

https://www.tumblr.com/yellowhollyhock/741343527513079808/not-sure-if-youve-already-been-asked-this-but

Can you imagine the ultimate betrayal Raph felt when Casey with Leo? Yeesh I feel that pain too much.

Yesss

Also Casey's explanation made least sense to me. it feels more than anything else that the writers are trying to drive home Leo being Correct whenactually it's not a black and white issue at all.

Leo and Mikey are saying things have gotten worse, they have the power to help and it might in some way be their fault so they should help. All of this tracks okay except 'it might in some way be their fault.' Like my dude. If getting rid of one powerful guy who was hurting people turned out to have consequences you don't like to the point where you think it was a mistake, then where is the logic in solving that problem by taking out more guys??

And that's the part Casey focuses on. He says "I was always taught you should fix your mistakes no matter what." Trying to stop other equally bad people from filling the vacancy that Shredder left isn't fixing your mistakes. It is literally doing the same thing again. And okay yeah if you feel like that's your responsibility now because you done it once. I can see that. But do you see how the cycle of violence will never end (isn't that the brilliance of the show? the underlying tragedy? the fact that these teenagers have to face these realities where even and especially when they're trying their hardest to always do what's right, the answers aren't always clear and sometimes they do harm? (I absolutely would not say more harm than good in this case, Shredder was dangerous and stopping him did protect innocent people no Leo I don't care what the crime reports say of course there's going to be an increase while the power is shifting, it will level out once someone's in power that's how these things work, yes I understand in the meantime people are getting hurt how exactly do you intend to stop crime in NYC forever. Yes I know you want to protect people I think that's wonderful. but you need to pause and be practical if you want your good intentions to prove efficacious. Also have you considered that a lot of the actual members of these gangs are people like Angel? If you wanna change up your strategy because you feel like you made a mistake, why would it be to choose a bad guy to put in power and/or fight them all, and not to reach out to the guys at the bottom and figure out what their unmet needs are and cripple the big crime organizations as much as you can by taking care of the people society wouldn't. AND WHY WOULDN'T THAT BE THE APPROACH CASEY TOOK, THE ANGEL THING WAS LITERALLY HIS EPISODE))

Ahem. I got off on a bit of a tangent there. (parentheses within parentheses (and it's more than half the paragraph) (teehee (sweats))). But the point is yeah! It feels like Casey only understood bits and pieces, which makes sense because the turtles do tend to not Explain things to him, and yet without fully understanding and before trying to, he takes Leo's side. It's almost like he saw that Raph was getting mad at his brothers and, knowing how much he cares about them, wanted to nip it in the bud before things got bad. But boy buddy that was the wrong approach because I really do think that was the last straw for Raph. mortifying when visiting friends side with your family against you. devastating when it's your best friend.

I also headcanon that's something Casey's dad used to say to him, about fixing your mistakes. So that's an entire angsty thought for another post.

(more headcanons Angel and Casey's dads used to be friends and Casey would be old enough to remember when her dad left and would've heard the things his dad, who would never leave his family, would have had to say about a friend he'd once respected) (Angel is my special interest within my special interest) (or one of them anyway XD)

You know what's also so sad is I really think Donnie was on Raph's side and would have countered Leo much more calmly than either Splinter or Raph could. But he didn't. Because they couldn't stop Leo anyway and so he did what he thought would keep the family together rather than what he thought was best, because he saw how important it was to Mikey, and boys ohh man I get it. I get his side of things in this best i think. But ouch. Raph really needed just one person who he felt was actually listening and would stick up for him. And Casey didn't listen and Donnie didn't stick up for him. And that's not the norm for them.

#tmnt #tmnt 2003 #2003 raph #2003 casey #character analysis #tmnt 2003 city at war #tmnt angel #i love that not only are raph and leo both right and both wrong #but there is so much nuance in where everyone else falls too #no one exactly agrees perfectly they just agree enough to take sides #it hurts #hurts so good #love this arc #i am incapable of making a short post about it

[mbti-notes]

Hello! I love your blog, thank you for spending your time sharing such thoughtful advice !

I was wondering if you have any recommendations in what to look for in a therapist (especially for XNFJS).

I’ve not quite found yet one whom I felt really heard or that actually helped me instead of congratulating me for being “too self aware”.. I know my problems but not what to do with them- instead of useless overthinking patterns.

Is that a common issue? I know how beneficial therapy can be and I suggest it to a lot of people, so it kinda feels frustrating that it doesn’t seem to work for me.

Though I have general knowledge about therapy that I picked up during my education, it isn't my area of specialization, so I can't tell you whether it's a common issue without taking a deep research dive.

1) The Relationship: The success of therapy is very much contingent upon the quality of the therapeutic relationship. It is vital to form a healthy collaborative relationship with the therapist. You must work together to figure out the problem and carry out a plan to resolve it.

Building any kind of good relationship requires some time and effort. On the client's side, there has to be a willingness to open up, explore, communicate, and cooperate. On the therapist's side, there has to be a capacity to listen, empathize, understand, hypothesize, analyze, explain, support, guide, plan, organize, and be impartial and objective. Between you, there has to be a feeling of trust, comfort, rapport, and good personality chemistry/compatibility.

Successful collaboration relies on all of the above ingredients, so if any of them are missing, you might encounter more difficulty.

2) The Purpose: It's good to enter with a clear idea of what you need and want to get out of therapy, what your goals are. What you need or want can in part be related to your personality type. For example, having high Ni and Fe might affect your relationship and communication preferences, and having low Ti and Se might affect your choice of therapist if you want them to play a role in your efforts to use those functions better.

Discussing your needs, wants, and goals at the beginning is good for setting realistic expectations and dispelling any misconceptions about what is/isn't achievable. The therapist should ask about your goals even when you don't bring them up, but it doesn't hurt to be proactive and assertive in communication. You should be able to describe your goals even if it's in very general terms. If you've already been through enough therapy to know that there's a specific form of therapy you want, ask whether the therapist is well-trained in delivering it. If they aren't, have them refer you to someone who is.

Perhaps you've experienced issues in therapy partly because you haven't been clear enough with the therapist about what you need and want. As a general rule, therapists are trained to be emotionally supportive before anything else. Many clients suffer from negativity or low self-esteem, so it's important that the therapist help the client feel better before getting into the thick of things. However, if emotional support in the form of "congratulations" is not what you really need, you have to speak up. The therapist doesn't want to be wasting time either, so help them help you by letting them know whenever they say/do something you deem unhelpful. If they are any good as a therapist, they won't be offended but rather grateful for the clarification.

Remember, in order to build a good relationship, it takes time to get to know each other. The therapist will be slow in getting to know you if you don't assert yourself and express how you really feel. NFJs tend to struggle with, perhaps they're even afraid to speak with complete honesty, so perhaps that's something you need to work on. The sooner you can get the contents of your mind out in the open for the therapist to work with, the faster the process will go for you.

3) The Issue of Self-Awareness: Too often, people don't know any better but to approach therapy as though going to the doctor's office, expecting the therapist to have a definitive answer and prescribe a cure. There is good reason for keeping the fields of psychiatry and psychology separate. You can treat a psychiatrist like a doctor because they are in fact a medical doctor, trained to deal mainly with issues based in biology. However, a therapist works differently because their focus is mainly on the mental side, meaning they must wade through your subjective experience. Dealing with the empirical facts of your biology is very different than dealing with the murky nature of your feelings.

The process of getting to the bottom of mental problems can be quite convoluted due to the subjectivity, complexity, and irrationality of human psychology. Therapy goes more smoothly the more you're able to articulate what is happening in your mind, to describe things with as much clarity and depth of detail as possible. Unfortunately, one big reason therapy is difficult is that clients have varying levels of self-awareness. Due to the way defense mechanisms operate, some people are opaque to themselves and have no idea what's really happening in their mind. They only know that they suffer, which forces the therapist into a role more akin to detective or investigator. They have to explore, probe for clues, and experiment and inch their way ever deeper into the client's mind, often meeting obstacles and resistance along the way.

Since I approach mental health from the perspective of depth psychology, I personally don't believe knowing about problems is enough to call a person self-aware. I suppose you could say that "knowing" is one level of self-awareness, but I would not qualify it as a high or deep level of self-awareness. I've already explained in a previous post the difference between knowing and understanding a problem and how knowing isn't enough.

Have you said exactly what you just said to the therapist, i.e., that you know you have a problem and what you want is to figure out why and how to resolve it? Be direct. Say exactly what you mean.

4) Exercise Your Freedom of Choice: Not every therapist out there will be a good fit, for a variety of reasons:

Therapists are human after all, so they each have their individual traits, preferences, quirks, blind spots, limitations, weaknesses, flaws, etc, that might make them incompatible with you.

There are varying levels of competency among workers in any profession, so some therapists are certainly more skilled or experienced than others with your particular problem.

Humans are diverse and suffer from a wide variety of psychological issues. There's no way for one therapist to understand them all, so they must choose a specialization. Double check that their educational background matches up with the nature of your problem, e.g., you shouldn't go to a grief counselor about an eating disorder.

Keep an open mind and grant yourself opportunity to shop around and try out many options. You ask me what to look for in a therapist and the simplest answer I can give you is to find one that is well-suited to your needs. But, going back to the earlier point, the more primary step is to be able to express what exactly it is you need.

#therapy #mental health #psychology #ask

[bardic-tales]

2.19.2024

tw: death. illness. chronic pain.

I am slowly getting back into reading and writing. I tend to bite off more than I can chew, and I thought that an overarching plot spanning all my fandoms would be an interesting thing to work on.

I also wanted to work on several original projects. Unfortunately, my health and family circumstances made it so that I have always been in bed with extreme fatigue and my body hurting.

Over the last two years, we lost 3 members in my little family: my husband's cousin who passed away in a car accident at 17, my husband's aunt who contracted COVID during last Thanksgiving and passed away on that holiday, and, finally, my grandfather last month. My grandfather was like a father to me. Then, as I documented on here during last June, I lost my cat, Loki.

I also have been dealing with very low Vit. D levels. I had a blood test last Friday which showed my levels at: 9.3 ng/ml. I am waiting for a call from my doctor at 9 am to discuss treatment options and possibly further tests to figure out why those levels are too low.

I've been too exhausted to really do anything. It makes sense as I often experienced severe joint pain when I sat and wrote or even attempt to game. I downloaded the FF 7: Rebirth demo and just haven't been able to play it. Same thing for Crisis Core. I feel bad since I want to announce the new work I have been working on, but I just don't really have the energy to.

Author’s commentary:

I have been working on creating a map of the Abyssal Realm for my huge fandom project: Fantasy Worlds Collide. I did create a timeline for the Heavenly War and made it so that the war started due to the Creator Deity forbidding his angels from loving mortals. This was after Lucifer fell in love with the 1st human: Lilith.

This sets the stage for Bianca Moore to love both Sesshomaru and Sephiroth. I love the thought of love condemning her and causing her to doubt her path to Heaven.

I am also reworking her powerset to fit her new role in this overarching plot: the destroyer of the Omniverse. Her powers are consistent to space, time, and interdimensional capabilities, as well as reality-bending.

Her profile will flow better. There is a new section devoted to the space between time where all portals to every dimension and the Edge of Creation is.

Snippet: A drabble I wrote on Valentine's Day.

tw: death mention.

As always, this is my trash draft. There will be grammar issues and sometimes incorrect grammar. It is unpolished.

"Pretty pathetic, hm?" Bianca tilted her head into his touch. His fingers slipped through strands of her dark hair. "You are only one of two men I have ever known like this, the only men I have ever loved."

The sun had crested over North Crater. The tent's entrance flapped in the icy breeze, but she didn't feel the cold on her skin. Bianca held some sort of immunity to the frozen temperatures, which was a very dangerous thing, in itself. Her organs still could freeze.

"Do you believe in soulmates?" Turning in the sleeping bag, she pulled the covers up over her shoulder and snuggled closer to him. The dark grey fur blanket lay over them as an extra layer of warmth. "How can I love you so deeply when we were not supposed to meet in the first place? We both lived in different dimensions and different versions of Earth."

"Perhaps, we are bound for more than just..girlfriend and boyfriend." Sephiroth looked down at the woman in his arms. His silver hair mixed with her black hair. Her left wing wrapped around them while her other one lay stretched out behind her. "You were always bound for the Reunion, Bianca."

"I think you are right. You were under distress from learning your true origins, and I was under duress from my father who had just murdered the only other man I had loved."

Different Fandom Taglist

@starryeyes2000, @residentdormouse, @megandaisy9 @themaradwrites @prehistoric-creatures @arrthurpendragon @serenofroses

#writing accountability #writeblr fanfiction #writeblr community #snippet: fwc #wip: untitled #tw: death #tw: illness #tw: chronic illness #tw: pet loss #bardic tales #bardic-tales #tw: fire #oc: bianca moore - ff #character: sephiroth #sephiroth #sephiroth x oc #canon divergent #canon x oc

[phlve]

Inferior Functions Descriptions

Inferior Fe (INTP / ISTP)

Fe inferior is limited in the way it can adjust to harmonizing with others, basically meaning that it's challenging for them to let go of something that personally makes sense to make a more harmonizing decision. They feel as though the obvious choice is in something that makes sense to them even when it requires other perspectives, so they simplify and rationalize people's thought processes as a way to get around actually considering what keeps harmony in a group. Actually understanding other perspectives and incorporating them is hard to do if it doesn't make sense. They find it hard to help others and speak up for what's right to do in a group as they are unsure as to what others want and think (they'd think "I don't trust myself to fully understand what others want because other's wants are beyond my understanding, i'll leave it to others to help out a group because I don't get it myself").

Inferior Te (INFP / ISFP)

Te inferior is more limited in establishing logical order around them, which basically means while they're very in touch with what keeps them satisfied and what they hold close to their hearts, deciding without this in mind is much more challenging due to less understanding of how to objectively view choices, like seeing all sides to a logical argument can be difficult because they immediately make the argument personal and find it hard to separate that from a decision that would be better to decide based on what will be more orderly and works the best. They struggle with guiding others in positions of leadership and will not know how to fully let go of or compromise their views if needed. They're like "I don't know, someone else should be figuring this out and not me because I can't figure out how to organize this and I don't trust myself to establish order in this group on my own".

Inferior Fi (ENTJ / ESTJ)

Fi inferior is limited in its ability to organize what makes them satisfied and what they want to do when there is a (in their minds) more important objective correct solution, even in the face of a personal situation. They rely on external sources and input from unbiased sources to decide on any matters, even ones that don't involve others at all. They don’t know what they truly want because they disregard it as being unimportant and not good enough to rely on, as they don’t trust their emotions to get them any meaningful results or give them a good outcome. They don’t understand prioritizing personal harmony and try to guide others and be unbiased in the face of their own issues. They may think like: “I should probably do whatever is best for myself, but it’s not very logical and doesn’t make sense to other unbiased people, so why should I go through it and trust my own emotions if they have no reliability? I might just trust outsiders instead with this.”)

Inferior Ti (ENFJ / ESFJ)

Ti inferior is limited in how it’s able to organize things and decide on what makes sense to them when their value is instead on keeping group harmony. They may try to make independent judgements on situations but read too much into what everyone else believes through deeply understanding what others want as opposed to what they want, and not know what's supposed to be the most rational and orderly decision for them and the situation they're in. Separating other's emotional input + how they affect others from a decision is difficult, so when they try to make personal decisions based on what is supposed to make the most sense and keeps the most order, it is somewhat accommodated to others even when it doesn't have to be ("I should probably make this decision on my own but I don’t know if I have my facts straight, I might just retreat to the general opinion that this group would want to do instead").

Inferior Ne (ISFJ / ISTJ)

Ne inferior is a bit more limited in the way it sees patterns in the environment and tends to overuse their recollection and experiences to get around the world, they might overuse anecdotes as a way to get used to new situations and will be like: "I’ve done something like this before and i made it out alive, so maybe I’ll be fine” or “I really don’t have any exact solid experience or a reference point to fall back on though, so how do I know this is a good idea?" They struggle with incorporating new patterns in their thinking and think in black and white when they have no other options, with that black and white being either using a separate incident as a safety net or not bothering with it at all. They can get anxious easily if too many patterns are emerging too fast and they can't stick with one thing or struggle with branching out with info they're given.

Inferior Ni (ESFP / ESTP)

Ni inferior struggles with organization, but more on a perceiving lens. They’re limited in how to actually limit. They can't narrow down the things they experience and make use of them for future reference because they just want to pursue more new things rather than build themselves safety nets. They see so much around them and get so caught up in whatever's happening that whatever is next isn't of their concern until it's too late (they may be like "I don't know how to be ready for whatever's coming to me so I’ll just hope it all works out for me, it'll be fine bc planning doesn't work for me anyway"). They can't step into their minds and reflect as much because they think it's too intense to spend too much time on discovering a strong connection to guide them to the next thing because the world is too "fast paced" for a process that slow.

Inferior Se (INFJ / INTJ)

Se inferior is a fear of things actually happening and being put to motion; they're easily overwhelmed by so much going on when they step out from their cave of intensity into the real world. After they've decided on the interpretation they see of something, the present is of less importance and they think they're already set to go into the future and feel overly confident but miss what's right in front of them and might prepare them better, which makes Se inferior users seem more clumsy. In general, they don't branch out when they think or feel obliged to but instead don't like handling many new experiences and things that are too messy and out of control bc they like having that insight of theirs to know what they will do (ex. be like "I know I should probably be doing this bc i've thought it up and i've laid it out in my head, whatever's gonna happen should match that or I will be screwed")

Inferior Si (ENFP / ENTP)

Si inferior limits itself in an organizing aspect, as it's more difficult for the patterns seen and multiple ideas to be kept track of and fully remembered. They don't use what they can recollect enough when engaging in the world around them and think they can continue to use any broad connection and make use of them whenever they come, sort of underestimating their ability to keep track of things. They can't reference things from before or use those things to help themselves out when they see similar negative patterns to get themselves out of things fast enough, and don't have as many reference points for themselves or specific preferences they want to stick to. They’re like "I don't need to look back on anything, I’ll probably be fine because there's enough for me to decide what to do when I see it. Knowing things beforehand isn't important, I’ll notice it". They can't rely on their recollection as much because it's shaky and their ideas flood out any sort of practicality that needs to come from them.

#personality theory #personality types #typology #16 personalities #mbti #cognitive functions

[fandom-imagination-ss]

Imagine: Joel waking up after his fever breaks to see you tending to him

everything happens for a reason, Like Fungus heating up from the earth crust and starting to infect human life.

Or the first few weeks of the outbreak your AWFUL abusive boyfriend was First infected and you were saved by Joel Miller.

it took him and yourself years to feel comfortable around each other and by then he had Tess. But traveling with a girl across the country you going to make sure she was safe. you and Joel Oddly. and finally after years of knowing each other became friendly. you were stunned to see him opening up to Elle. he was always Blunt and honestly fearful. and had barriers and was hit first ask questions later. but now he was letting his guard down. and it fascinated you. A Rusty dagger got Joel. right in the Stomach. were instantly terrified it hit an organ. how it didn't you weren't sure how but he was losing a lot of blood. and you also knew he was probably going to have an infection that could kill him. you have seen people Die from all sorts of things. infections, wounds, and One from Sneezing too much. you really aren't sure What was wrong wit that women. but she sneezed herself to death.

Elle was out hunting for food, which you weren't sure if was a good idea. but she was freaking out in the basement so you sent her to go but to stay close and to be careful as you dug into your bag. In another life your Grandmother was Herbalist and your mom banned all medical medicine in the house. you weren't even vaccinated for anything until you were 18. that was your big 18th birthday gift.. Vaccines. you thought your mom and Gran crazy but the moment the world ended. you grabbed their herbs and books on plants. and you now deal with natural medicine when it's to hard to find medical.

you had no medical medicine for Joel. you had an Advil that would probably do nothing for his pain but you gave that to him hours ago. Joel mocked you as you collected Weeds as you walked. ironically a weed will at Least calm his fever. Plantain. A weed that Never dies. you. And Yarrow commonly knows for "soldiers' wound wort". it's used to help with wounds. during war time soldiers would use this to make ornaments to heal their wounds.

they work, but Slow. and with how much blood he lost you knew he would need a blood transfusion. your Dick of a ex was a doctor and he did make a transfusion at your apartment. you had clean needles in your bag, So after preparing the medicine for Joel you used your years of growing up with your mother. then you went around searching for things to Give Joel blood. Elle came back unsucessful as she helped.

"how you know how to do this? I thought you said you were a teacher?"

"Life. experience." yu weren't going to tell Her about your past. not that. she was a Kid.

"I'll do it.. he can have my blood." you smiled weakly looking up at Elle as you found clean tubbing. it was in a bag in he garrage. you think it was meant for a fridge water tube. Duct Tape will Fix the big issues.. you figured.

"Can't be you- we have no idea what will happen if you mix your blood with others.. plus if your the wrong blood type you could kill him."

"So you know his blood type?"

you shook your head, "no- But Im universal blood."

it wasn't pretty but you got it done. you weren't a doctor. Hell you weren't even a nurse. but at least that will help him.. or Kill him. you weren't sure.

it was the middle of the night. as Elle was asleep beside Joel as you were fixing hsi Jacket as he opened his eyes for the first time in days. he had a single tear roll down his cheek as you smiled weakly whipping it away as you smiled weakly, "Hey"

he went to talk but you hushed him and laid down beside him. on the other side of him as you Rested your head on his shoulder as you closed your eyes relieved he was awake.

Joel remembers telling you both to leave him to die. he ordered you to take Elle and to forget about him. he was stunned to see you Not Only still here. but wedged in between you both. he couldn't believe you would Stay for him. he didn't deserve it. he thought. to be cared for. he still felt awful but he couldn't imagine how you both felt. he was suppose to be protecting and caring for you both. Not the other way around. but you just smiled down at him. fixed his tear and laid down as he reached over grabbing your hand squeezing it tihgtly. you squeezed back as you whispered softly "Sleep Joel we need you still okay?"

"okay"

#Joel miller #Joel miller imagine #the last of us #the last of us imagine #tlou #tlou imagine #fandom imagine #imagine

[parasex-jamboree]

Me vs Hypnokink

I don’t mean to bill myself as an export in hypnosis or even particularly accomplished. I’m just trying to collect my thoughts. Hypnosis evokes romantic and mystical imagery, but it’s a mess to figure out. And if you want to kink on something, you need knowledge and knowledge needs organization. It’s easy to restrain someone and inflict pain. It takes knowledge of the body in order for the subject to (eventually) walk away afterwards, with no loss of functionality. One should expect a similar standard for mind games.

My problem with hypnokink was that it felt unclear how to do it safely. From the start, I had two real world examples that I considered illustrative - the role of hypnotic memory ‘retrieval’ (often resulting in false memories) in the Satanic Panic, and the use of mind control myths such as MK Ultra as a method of control in abusive relationships. My time absorbing the chatter of hypno twitter presented me with a third example - online communities built around ‘addictive’ or ‘personality erasing’ audio files, that despite their outlandish claims, seemed to leave people with genuine distress and/or dissociative issues. Hypnosis seemed to do real damage, at least. 

I encountered multiple models of how hypnosis worked, without any citation and sometimes directly contradicting mainstream psychology (like my personal experience with cognitive-behavioral therapy). I felt that If I couldn’t trust the how of it, then I couldn’t trust the how it could go wrong. There seemed to be a dangerous optimism about hypnotism. The emphasis tended to be on the hypnotist being responsible with their influence, which struck me more as leaning into the desired fantasy of power rather than giving useful advice about when and why one’s influence might be greater or different than anticipated. Moreover, there was obvious reliance on the placebo effect, but it was rarely named and discussed circuitously. It began to feel reminiscent of the double-speak of pseudo-scientific conspiracy podcasts I used to listen to out of morbid curiosity. 

After bouncing off a few popular resources, like Mind Play, my search started to lean academic - specifically, the writings of Dierdre Barrett, Stephen Jay Lynn, and Marty Sapp. Here, I began to understand hypnotism and its problems as an issue of a subject’s ability to stay grounded in reality. What was often flattened into a scale of ‘hypnotizability’ or ‘responsiveness’ was actually the overlapping shadows of several tendencies such as credulity, visualization, dissociation, focus, etc. What created the extreme reactions to hypnosis was when a subject took one of these tendencies to the point of disorder. Also important is the assertion that nothing happens under hypnosis that isn’t possible under other circumstances. Hypnosis is not a state of the subject, but a formalism and a ritual.

My current opinion is that there is no objectively, hypnosis isn’t a useful descriptor – rather, my impression is that there are diverse would-be hypnotists of diverse traditions who all claim what they do (sometimes wildly different from each other) is hypnosis. I think it may be better to consider ‘hypnosis’ as an aspiration term akin to perpetual motion or anti-gravity. Hypnosis is a hypnotist’s attempt to communicate with some part of a person’s mind they have no conscious awareness of (roundly, “the Unconscious”). What constitutes the Unconscious Mind, if an Unconscious Mind even exists, or what can be gained through communication with the Unconscious are also vague and vary from hypnotist to hypnotist. From scientists to showmen, from therapists to thaumaturgists, the mythology of hypnosis keeps branching and changing as new would-be hypnotists find the idea too tempting (or romantic) to let go.

Because of this, I think it’s useful to separate “hypnosis” from “hypnotic techniques” – the actual techniques that hypnotists employ on their subjects. While there is no dependable evidence for hypnosis-as-claimed, various hypnotic techniques can produce effects recognized by mainstream psychology: task absorption, imaginative anticipation, relaxation, dissociation, etc. The ability of hypnotic techniques to elicit these effects is what fuels the myth of hypnosis. The hypnotist-and-subject dyad merely provides a ritual context where eliciting these phenomena can be (consensually, hopefully) agreed on. All of this is amplified by the Placebo Effect, where authority + ritual + expectation can give the subject the illusion of change or to misattribute the cause of change.

Why I think this differentiation matters is four points. First, while the narrative of hypnosis is part of the fun, I think it makes for poor organizing principle if you want to understand the psychology behind various hypnotic techniques. How these states work and the dangers posed by them can be researched completely independent of hypnosis. Second, I see the huge emphasis on the Placebo Effect as a consent issue. Placebos expressly depend on a difference between what the expert knows and what the subject knows. That’s not conducive to mutual risk agreement. Third, I think one of the dangers is when a subject mis-attributes the cause of what they experience. Developing the for-real conviction that anyone saying a trigger word can (for example) alter your memory is itself mentally dangerous. And fourth, I think that asserting that harm rendered by hypnotic technique is a unique class of harm may discourage victims from seeking appropriate professional help.

To be honest, I do feel better about hypno kink after parsing through all this. The climb is different than I expected, but I do feel like some storm clouds have parted from around the mountain. I’m not sure I’m saying anything particular new, but I do think there’s much that gets obfuscated just by universally applying ‘hypnosis’ – a pseudo-scientific term that twists to whatever’s being claimed – instead of demanding specifics. I’m learning and growing, and I’m trying to make sure I know what I’m growing into - not an all-powerful mentalist, but someone who knows what he can and can’t promise.

#hypnosis #hypnokink

[ohwhoopsok]

I posted 1,250 times in 2022

That's 524 more posts than 2021!

18 posts created (1%)

1,232 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@multiplelizards

@digitalmeowmix

@silver9mm

@contemplativepancakes

@zmediaoutlet

I tagged 295 of my posts in 2022

#wincest - 13 posts

#fic recs - 8 posts

#the witcher - 6 posts

#whoops' whining - 6 posts

#whoops' words - 6 posts

#boost! - 5 posts

#my writing - 5 posts

#op your mind... - 3 posts

#^^^ - 3 posts

#tag game - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#….i mean sam did get to be the car for a little while like there was one brief shining moment where he was everything dean loved at once

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

🦚 geraskier fic rec 🐺

Better Than The Memory by objectlesson (E)

Warnings:

Squick and possible consent issues re: clothing?? Idk.

Author’s Summary:

Sure, Geralt was muscley and had beautiful, shapely, irritatingly symmetrical lips and an ass shaped by the hands of the gods themselves but—those features alone have never been enough to do it for Jaskier. He’s not a ruffian. He needs a little more than natural strength, he needs effort. It shouldn’t matter that Geralt is gifted in certain areas because he bathes once a week maybe if they’re lucky and lives in his armor and kisses his horse on the mouth and is otherwise a truly disgusting human. Or not human. A truly disgusting witcher.

So it’s absurd and quite shocking, really, when Jaskier starts to get hard every time he can smell Geralt of Rivia’s sweat.

Whoops’ words:

So. I’m working on a fic that involves some sweat/pit/stink kink, right? And I thought to myself hmm lets see what that ao3 tag is like, real casual, just out of curiosity...... 👀💦 Listen to me, listen-- I wasn’t even remotely prepared for this?? This shit is so hot, I’m embarrassed in my office by myself.

Jaskier’s just so fucking desperately turned on the whole way through and disgusted by how horned up he is about Geralt being fucking gross and well fuck me dude I guess I feel that on a newly awoken personal level?

And of course Geralt can smell that. I love fics where Geralt knows what’s up all along and just doesn’t say anything until the climax, no pun intended. And woof what a climax it is, because besides being so ungodly hot, there’s a few emotional lines that made me just--get up and walk in a circle for a second.

This fic is like 2 years old and I’m not sure she even writes for the witcher anymore, but boy howdy if you’re into raunch, give this a look. ⭐

4 notes - Posted November 1, 2022

#4

RULES: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! and then tag as many people as you have WIPS.

Hey! @resident-lambert-hoe tagged me! How dare you call me out like this in my own home!!

Just kidding, sure, let’s play! 💕 For my own sake, only going to count the ones that are actually in some way “in-progress”, as in I have opened them recently and still tend to them, because… I got folders full of bunnies and wildflowers I’m letting grow wild until I figure out if they need to be cleaned up and presented to the world wild web. 😅

…This was almost embarrassing to type out lmfao, the Fandom Trumps Hate fics get such nice, organized titles and then just jdfiasdlfasj BUT I only count 15 truly in progress WIPS. Plus another FTH fic once I get the prompt that will take spot #3, but I digress...

In order of most recent edits!! (with ships in parentheses)

1.      SPN - FTH2022 - vaderlingo - WOK (Wincestiel)

2.      AFTG - FTH2022- bri - AD (Andriel)

3.      RE8 TD SCL (Duke/Reader)

4.      TW ves om (Vesemir/Jaskier)

5.      TW Soft As Witchers (new part! Jask/Lambert + Jask/Geralt, Jask/Eskel)

6.      TW Stagger (Jaskier/Letho)

7.      TW Snake Charming (Jaskier/Letho +or/ Gaetan, tbd)

8.      AFTG Crumb Snatchers (new part! Fox Found Family)

9.      TW Snakelings (Jaskier/Letho)

10.   Stanford Open Door Policy (Dead Dove Warning: Lucifer/Sam, eventual Dean/Sam)

11.   RT Siren Head (RPF: gen? tbd, Fiona & The Twins)

12.   RT 67 (RPF: 🙂🧨)

13.   LADS FIGHTING (RPF: poly Fakes)

14.   SPN AdamSam (on the tin)

15.   Hand Crafted (Destiel, eventual Destiel/Sam/Meg)

If you read this far and want to play, this is me tagging you, BUT uhhhhhh

@tapnbluesnlindyhopdancer @alwaysthrowsscissors @samanddeaninpanties

@mumble--bee @wrenseroticlibrary @silver9mm would y’all like to play? 🤗

5 notes - Posted March 22, 2022

#3

Pausing to hop on the fandom celebration train before I dive headfirst into NaNoWriMo season!

👏🏾 Leave a kudos on a fic (witcher - geraskier)

well-rounded by PenAndInkPrincess is a great example of the cutagens tag, dude, it’s about how Geralt’s cat eyes give away when he likes things, including a certain bard.

👏🏾 reblog an art post (supernatural) I’m cheating bc I’ve shared this before, but the boy king deserves to be seen twice, so feast your eyes again.

👏🏾 message a creator (all kinds of shit bc he’s talented) Done via DM!

👏🏾 make a rec post (witcher - geraskier) SO, I wasn’t sure how to go about this one but objectlesson wrote a fic so good it stressed me out this afternoon, so I made a rec post for Better Than The Memory (Rated E, squick warning)

👏🏾 reblog a fic post (supernatural - sastiel)

Right Here, Right Now by @alwaysthrowsscissors​ because I’m clearly a maniac and left it in my likes tbr but *sniffs thoroughly* YEP, STILL GOOD 🤤

👏🏾 comment on a fic (teen wolf - sterek) Went back to find At least the Road to Hell is paved, I'm not good with Stairways by lady emebalia, because I was too embarrassed to comment on a fic for a fandom I wasn’t even in BUT it’s really good and she put a lot of work into it, so frankly, she’s owed her flowers. 🌹

👏🏾 reblog an edit (911 - buddie) 911 is sorely underrepresented on my blog, but I’m a clown for a good buddie edit and this one is fantastic.

👏🏾 interact with a meta post (supernatural - wincest) I’m cheating, because used this John Finds Out about Wincest meta post @mannequin3thereckoning​ shared on her bingo BUT thing is, I love this fucking trope so much and op’s galaxy brain is wide open.

Idk if this counts as a blackout truly but it was fun, thank you for sharing the event, @thehighfiveproject​!

6 notes - Posted November 1, 2022

#2

i’m working on edits for something and i mentioned dean liking leaving hickeys and got caught up in the thought of big, flowery splotches of plum sticking out of the collar of sam’s monkey suit and he just laughs it off when someone looks at it “yeah the missus got a little carried away, it’s hard traveling for work” blah blah all while knowing good and goddamn well dean’s got on panties under his suit because loves being sam’s needy little wife i rest my case your honor

37 notes - Posted October 23, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

🚨Roe's Emergency Fandom Response 🚨

We all heard they shot Roe. In the spirit of leaning into anger > despair, I’m making a very informal invite to tumblr at large.

If you are a creator willing to make something as thank you gift for people who make a donation to an abortion fund or a person willing to be said donor, hear ye, hear ye.

I threw together a google form for creators whose inboxes are open to people coming to them with requests in exchange for donations to an abortion fund or other reproductive justice organization. Assuming this gains traction, potential donors can review interested creators here.

Of course, if google makes you itch, feel free to just reblog this post and share your specific details/offerings below.

This is not a formal/moderated event. It's just a repository to keep a running list of interested creators for donors to review. Specific details (what will be created, minimum/proof of donations, timeline for completion, etc.) will need to be worked out between creators and donors BEFORE the donation is made.

You can message me at any point if you’d like your response deleted from the google sheet.

And as always, you’re not hopeless.

Thank you. Even being here counts for something, so thank you, thank you.

522 notes - Posted June 25, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #i stand by all my fic recs!!!

[umbraastaff]

from the weird questions for writers: 1, 2, 4, 7, 10, 12, 17, 22

[send me weird questions for writers!]

1. What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

answered!

2. If you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? If you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen or pencil?

Well, my wrist starts hurting really bad if I write for even like 30 minutes, so no. But if that didn't happen, then sure I guess! Typically I write by hand slower than I type, so the main issue would be the inability to get my thoughts out fast enough.

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

Uhh I don't think I have a /word/ but scenarios where a character thinks someone's going to be upset w them and are treated w gentleness instead breaks me every time lol. I was reminded of this one recently thank you unsleeping city

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

I really like to come up with concepts and figure out how they'd work. My favorite thing about actually writing things out is getting to incorporate lots of little details, and having something tangible to look back on that collects a full idea.

And mostly, I just really like being able to share ideas in a way people will engage with?? There really is an audience for everything and I love to see everyone's ideas and works and to put mine in that mix for the people who would enjoy it.

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

Oh totally! Ironically I can't actually summon these on command, even if I think constantly about them otherwise, but a lot of the time I'll have something I've read that just lives rent free in my brain forever. Not sure about my own writing, but sometimes I'll feel particularly proud of something and think about it a while, sure.

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

Well can I make like Acaster and wish for infinite genies-- /j

uhhhh

ability for more frequent & prolonged periods of focus on actually physically writing

psychically put notes on a page when it's 3am and I have good ideas that I won't remember but don't have the energy to open my phone and type

enhance my ability to do good plots

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

answered! although I might come back and talk meta on some other WIPs another time.

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

Pretty well organized! I tend to organize my fan content by which media it's for, and then crossovers just go under one or the other. Then within those, I'll just sort by the universe / AU / etc the fics take place in, and make further subfolders if needed. For example, my TAZ folder looks like this:

#wow tysm for all these!!! #anonymous #meme ask #my ART is a fucking organization mess but at least my writing is on point

[glitchdollmemoria]

lots of thoughts with yom kippur approaching and not sure how to organize them. thoughts about the fact that i try to be a good person who doesnt harm others and apologizes when i do, thoughts about having low empathy and reduced remorse and not always being able to tell whether i actually was justified in doing something that hurt someone else or whether my own ego is clouding my judgement, thoughts about how my memory is so poor that i struggle to think of instances where i might have hurt people because i struggle to think of anything really that isnt within a very narrow timeframe but then when i can remember it loops back around to me justifying it. thoughts about not even trusting my own judgement on whether or not ive hurt someone because i think i tend to assume wrong in either direction, either assuming i matter more to someones happiness than i do or not recognizing how much i matter to someone else. i am a self centered person although i try not to be, and i will continue trying not to be but i also dont know if ill ever fully erase that from the core of my being, and so all i really can do is keep trying. maybe i have to spend the coming year trying to be more aware of whether or not im hurting people, and trying to be willing to recognize when i really am in the wrong instead of writing off my behavior, and trying to still be discerning as to when i AM justified in. idk. being a bit of a cunt to assholes. but also still trying to show restraint and not take things too far. trying to strike a balance and just be aware and careful.

i remember when i told my father i was interested in judaism, he said people shouldnt need religion to know how to be good people. and i do think on the whole thats mostly true, at least in the sense that religion isnt a requirement in order to have good morals. i think its important to have motivations to be a moral person beyond just "my religion says so". but at the same time, i personally do rely partly on religion for that sort of thing. its not like i was a horrible person before deciding to convert, ive always had at least a part of me that does genuinely want to be good for the sake of goodness, and thats part of WHY i love judaism, because of the emphasis on making the world a better place and treating people kindly, on the idea that this planet is HaShem's creation and all people are made in His image. but i also still need guidance. and maybe thats not so unique after all, maybe im not all that special for struggling so much with morality and selfishness. i dont know. i just think maybe instead of fretting about trying to remember specific instances where ive acted hurtfully, and trying to figure out whether or not i "should" feel remorseful, maybe i just need to accept that i have a lot of issues currently (but hopefully not permanently, or at least not always to this degree) interfering with my ability to figure all that out, and i need to focus on the big picture and recognize that surely, at some times, i HAVE hurt others with my own selfishness, and i need to be aware of that and keep trying to reduce how often that happens, and recognize when it does so i can make things right. i need to be aware of the fact that my moral compass isnt perfect, and i need to be willing to acknowledge when i make mistakes instead of trying to maintain my own self image as the most morally superior person in the room. and thats difficult and painful because its a complete gut punch to my own narcissism, because my instinct is to view that sort of vulnerability as an opportunity for others to paint me as inferior, and to safeguard myself against inferiority however i can. but the vulnerability is an absolute necessity if i want to ACTUALLY improve as a person. do i want to protect myself by insisting im a morally perfect person, or do i want to actualize my desires for moral perfection, or at least get as close as humanly possible? am i ready to grapple with the fact that growth involves admitting my flaws? am i capable of looking directly at my imperfections, or will i let my refusal to look at them become just another flaw on the pile? i think all of this is more useful for me to focus on this year. there are a couple specific memories of hurting people that i want to focus on too, but by and large with my own brain ill get more mileage out of looking at the big picture for now. and on the one hand hopefully i can focus more on specific instances next yom kippur, but on the other hand id like to try to avoid as many as possible in the first place.

[rebelheartsmustbefree]

Valentines Day- 

No good deed… 

I don't know if I'll be back. It's a long story and I sure as fuck don't want to talk about my feelings. 

*It sounded harsh but Jason was pushing the issue and I didn't want to "hash out" what I was going through. I heard his sigh, I frowned.* 

I need time, Jay. I got a couple locals to fill in so you're not there alone every day. 

*He grumbled and I listened but I wasn't changing my mind. There was literally nowhere back there that I could be without it hurting so running from it was the best choice. It was MY choice. We said our goodbyes and the call ended, he was in no better mood and neither was I. I tucked my phone into my pocket and walked into the bar. I'm sure there was a joke somewhere about an Angel walking into a bar but I was in no mood for humor.* 

Ah.. what the fuck? 

*The place looked like cupid blew his load all over. Red and pink streamers hung up all over, little hearts dangling from them, love songs pathetically playing from an old jukebox in the corner. Please.. why did it have to be today.* 

Are you here for the speed dating?

*I heard a voice from behind me and then a tap on my arm. Chuckling as I turned around, this woman with a pretty smile greeted me.* 

No, I'm definitely not here for that. But I would highly appreciate you pointing me to the darkest corner I could be alone in and the best bottle of whiskey you can give me.

*I wasn't about to sign up for some dating thing. I figured in back woods Arkansas, gays are probably frowned apon. Besides, I was here for a night to sleep and be on my way and making uncomfortable small talk with anyone right now was the last thing I needed. She motioned over to the corner by the dart board and told me she'd bring me the bottle here in a minute after she helped her customers.* 

Take your time, sweetheart. 

*I felt bad about being the rain on her parade. She seemed excited about this whole dating Valentines Day thing she's set up. I had a thought. Before I'd reached the table I turned back and followed her over to the bar.* 

Hey.. did you want to join in on that dating shindig you got going on? I can run the bar for you while you do. *I turned on the charm and offered her my best smile. She seemed lonely and I could relate. Maybe she could find herself a date and not feel so lonesome tonight.* 

I.. I.. can't really pay you or anything. *I waved my hand, dismissing all that.* 

Let me have that bottle so I can have my drink and we're even. I'll even let you have all the tips. 

*She was grinning ear to ear at that point. Eh.. what the hell, might as well do a good deed. Maybe it will help my mood. I could tell she was a romantic, setting all this up so people could meet people and maybe find love. She was an optimist. I used to feel like that but cynicism won out in the end. But tonight for that chick, I'd stow away my bullshit and help her. 

She was practically skipping over to sign up and pay the organizer the entrance fee when she turned around and looked at me.* 

Wait.. do you know how to bartend? 

*I laughed and nodded, telling her not to worry. Her bar was in good hands. I poured myself a shot and downed it, grinning over at her.* 

You just have fun and leave the bartending to me for the night. 

*And she did. I tended to the customers and hopeful daters while she let herself be bubbly and talkative, trying to find a good one out of the bunch. Everytime the little bell would ring for them to switch, I'd look up to see which male was sitting down at her table next. 

Everyone seemed to be having a good time, the talk was like a continuous hum of excitement that filled the room. Also filling the room was all the hormones. Jesus these people needed laid. I finished up waiting on a couple guys and I leaned back against the bar and had a couple more shots while watching. The bell chimed out another time, signaling for the males to switch tables again and that's when I saw her walking quickly to the bar. It was the terror in her eyes that alarmed me but when she mouthed for me to "call the police", the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. 

My eyes quickly scanned the room and I searched for who or what she was running from and then I saw him. He was making quick strides towards her, yelling for her to stop. My heart caught in my throat when I saw the shimmer of light as the gunpowder ignited just before the bullet launched from the chamber. I didn't even think but instead before I knew it, I was grabbing her and shoving her down and out of the way of the bullet. 

The man stared at me, probably wondering who the fuck I was. But two of the male daters tackled him to the ground and kicked away the gun. I kneel down and check on her, making sure she was okay. As I help her up, she's explaining how that guy is her ex boyfriend and he's been nothing but trouble.* 

I can see that. But are you okay? Did you get hit??

*She was getting to her feet with the help of me and another girl when they stopped and stared at me. I felt the warmth spreading up and down my right side, blood soaking through my shirt in a hurry. Apparently I'd taken the bullet for her. I hadn't even felt it at first but now it was like someone stuck a hot fireplace poker right through my lungs. Fuck. It must have gone right through. I took a shallow breath and stumbled back, holding my side. I heard the girl screaming for someone to call 911 as I hit the flood mid blackout.* 

#TBC 

[dycefic]

Have An Evil Day

No prompt this time, just a sequel to ‘Welcome To Evil-Mart’

Working at Evil-Mart is usually… well, it’s retail. It’s physically exhausting, you have to deal with a lot of idiots without being overtly rude, and your feet hurt. Even though the hours and pay are very good, the benefits are great, and our bosses treat us well compared to most retail employees, it’s still not what I’d call a fun job.

But it’s not what I’d call dull, either. Especially not on days like today.

I was promoted to supervisor after the Food Poisoning Incident, so I have a little more authority and a little less obligation to be pleasant and I got issued a weighted cosh because sometimes Evil-Mart customers get… feisty. I’d never had to use it, though, because those who hadn’t seen what I did to Majority Rules, either in person or on one of the cell-phone videos that circulated afterwards, had at least heard about it.  They didn’t give me any trouble.

I was halfway through my shift, and the worst things that’d happened had been running out of croissants and a machine oil spill in Aisle Seven, when our greeter pressed the alarm button, which sent an alert to my handset. As front-end supervisor, that meant me, so I went over. Sam, who is unusual in the henching community for having actually aged out rather than ‘being retired’ jerked his chin in the direction of a tall, swaggering figure. “He just came in,” he whispered.

I did a full double-take before I took it in. Superdyne. Fucking Superdyne.

We’d all heard about his dramatic heel-turn a couple of months ago. The whole world had heard about it. Superdyne, who’d skated closer and closer to the line for years, had decided to cross it in a blaze of bloodshed. He was a villain now, he said. There’d been a whole speech about how ingratitude had driven him to it blah blah blah.

I work at Evil-Mart. I’m from a hench family. If someone becomes a supervillain because they hate Mondays or want to turn us all into dinosaurs or whatever, I don’t judge. I will sell depth-charges and laser guns to anyone who can prove they’re over eighteen without hesitation. But even we get kind of grossed out by the ‘I am forced to turn evil because I haven’t been given enough love’ thing. People who are actually so fucked up by emotional abuse or neglect or some superhero killing their family, we’re fine with them. But they don’t say that’s why they do it, and most of them need a lot of therapy to even realize it. People who actually say that’s why are entitled dickwads.

And now the dickwad had walked into Evil-Mart like he was entitled. Like he thought he was one of us.

“Lockdown protocols,” I told Sam quietly. “On my authorisation.” That takes a minute or two, though, so I went over to talk to Superdyne. “Sir, I have to ask how you even knew where to find this place.”

He smirked at me. “I have my ways,” he said smugly. He’d either bribed or beaten someone, that was my guess. “So this is where the villains shop? We all thought you went to Wal-Mart.” He laughed, like he thought it was clever.

“Yes, so you all say,” I said dryly. I didn’t feel like pretending he was the first person to make the bad joke. “My next question, sir, is what made you think it was a good idea to come in here.”

He spread his hands. “I’m one of you now!” he said happily. “I’m a bad guy! So now I guess I shop where the bad guys shop!” He looked around, frowning a little. “Although I was expecting more weapons and explosives. A… more villainous atmosphere. I didn’t know Evil-Mart had fresh produce.”

“I don’t advise buying herbs here unless you’re a magical practitioner. Some of them have… unusual effects.” A lot of our produce is normal stuff, but some of it not only isn’t legal, it doesn’t exist anywhere else.

“Oh. Well, that makes sense. But the bright lights and the bakery?”

“We have excellent gluten-free breads. In many ways, Superdyne, this is just another store. We have sales, we mark down the breads in the afternoon, we even have a PA system.” I pulled out my handset, and thumbed the button that tied it to the PA. “Attention, shoppers,” I said in my most soothing Customer Service voice, which made him grin. “Evil-Mart wishes to inform you – “ The countdown on my handset reached zero, and I turned to look at the entrance as a huge blast door thudded down. That was the last part of the sequence – staff outside the area were already in lockdown and security were on their way. I smiled, and continued almost without a pause. “- That we are in lockdown at this time, due to the presence of Superdyne in the store. Please remain calm, and be advised that security are on their way to deal with the problem. If you have a personal grudge that you wish to address with Superdyne at this time, he is standing near Register Six with a stupid expression on his face.”

He was staring at me, stunned. “But… but…” he stammered, and damned if he didn’t look puzzled. “But I’m one of you now!”

“No,” I said flatly. “You were always evil, that’s true, but you’ll never be one of us. And for the record, I’m one of the people with a personal grudge. All those henchmen you’ve killed and maimed had families, asshole… and they all shop here.”

He swung at me, then, but I spent years in hench training. Even someone super-strong can be dodged, and once I slammed my cosh into his groin a few times his punches got a lot more aimless. Around then, Tiger Ty came over the register, claws out and snarling, and I figured I should stand out of the way.

About ten minutes later, I turned on the PA again. “Clean-up to Register Six,” I called, in the same special voice. “Category 7, class three. Shoppers, please be advised that lockdown is now lifted but Register Six will be closed until clean-up is completed.”

Hunter, who’d been working Register Six, came out from underneath it. He looked a little green. Well, he was still in his teens, this was probably his first fatal mobbing. “What’s Category 7?” he asked in a shaky voice. “I haven’t heard that before.”

“Biohazard.”

“Oh. Class three?”

“Send three people. He was a juicy one.” I stepped away from a spreading puddle of blood. “Run and get a couple of caution signs we can put around this mess.” I eyed it measuringly. “And one of those fifteen-gallon plastic tubs with a lid, I’ll damage it out.”

He eyed the mess. “Are you sure that’s big enough?”

“Yeah, the average human is only about seventeen gallons by volume, and I’m not going to put all the blood and mush in there, just the big pieces.”

He gulped. “Ah. Yes, ma’am.”

I called after him when he ran off. “One of the black tubs, not a clear one!” Which honestly should only be common sense, but you can’t count on a flustered teenager to have common sense.

We frown on killing customers at Evil-Mart, up to a point… but when a particularly murderous super-hero walks into our store, well, that’s something else. I’d have to fill out a ton of paperwork, though.

I had to chase off one of Doctor Malign’s minons and two members of the Genetic Reign before the clean-up crew arrived, both of whom urgently wanted samples. In the end I scraped a few pieces of liver and unidentified organ into two of the bags we use for possibly-contaminated money just to make them go away. (They’re good customers, and it was just going to go in the trash anyway.)

By the time the clean-up was done, all the big pieces were boxed up, and I’d finished the paperwork, my shift had been over for twenty minutes, and I’d been asked to come up to the boss’s office.

“Listen, I have no issues with how you handled the situation, I want you to know that.” Mr Trent leaned back in his chair, tapping his fingertips together. “It was quick, it was efficient, and… given your personal history with Superdyne, not to mention mine and that of half of our customer base… richly deserved.”

“Yes, sir,” I said. It came out too meek, and I cleared my throat and straightened up. It’s hard not to be intimidated by Mr Trent, when you’re in the same room with him. It’s not his fault, and he does his best, but even under the strictest control his fear-inducing powers tend to unsettle anyone who gets too close. We all know he’s not doing it on purpose and we try not to show our reactions. “Do you have any orders regarding the remains?”

“Doctor Order wants them.” He rubbed his chin. “Get someone from the pharmacy to prepare samples for him, please, including brain tissue. He’s our primary supplier, and we can’t offend him. As for the rest… as you know, I’m retired, and I don’t usually participate in the Endless War.” One of his hands dropped to his left thigh. His prosthetic leg is some of Doctor Order’s best work, but the injury that led to his retirement had been brutal even by our standards. “But this is different. Superdyne came here. To our place of safety. We need to make sure that doesn’t happen again.”

I nodded. “Do you want the remains dumped somewhere public? Some kind of dramatic display?”

“No. Something more direct.” He rubbed his chin again, then tapped the intercom on his desk. “Iris, please send up Miss Fedorova from Marketing and Mr Levy from the warehouse.”

“Yes, sir,” Iris responded, and he clicked off the intercom again.

“The three of you worked together very well, during the food poisoning incident,” he explained. “And I believe they can assist us in a satisfactory conclusion.” He hesitated, then smiled ruefully. “Perhaps you should wait outside until they get here. I can tell I’m unsettling you.”

“Sir, I know you’re not – “

“Not doing it on purpose.” He sighed. “I do appreciate how hard you all work to make me feel… accepted, I really do. But I’m very annoyed right now, which makes control more difficult for me, so I think we’d both be more relaxed if you waited outside while I do my meditation exercises.”

I waited outside. When the three of us went into his office again, the miasma of low-level fear was definitely a bit lighter, and he smiled. “All right. Now, this conversation is going to be very confidential, and I will remind you all of the agreements you signed when you were employed.” We all chorused agreement, and he nodded. “Good. Now, this is very much a secret, even among Evil-Mart staff, but we do have a few online clients who are… ah… on the other side of the fence.”

Ms Fedorova blinked. “What?”

Knuckles sighed. “We ship to a few heroes,” he explained. “The ones who are… less homo than sapiens, if you get my drift.”

I didn’t, and from her expression Ms Fedorova didn’t either. Mr Trent spread his hands, drawing our eyes to his fingers. Which as a rule nobody looks at, because there’s fourteen of them, with four joints in each finger, and we know he’s self-conscious about it. “The less… purely human ones,” he said quietly. “One of the reasons I created Evil-Mart was to give those who can’t pass for human, like me, a place to be… people. To have dignity. So that the obligate carnivores weren’t reduced to living on pet-food or scavenging for scraps, so that those with complex metabolisms could get the supplements they need so that people who are still people, for all their outward differences, could shop in safety. There are a great many more monsters, demigods, abominations of science and other non-standard persons among our set than among the heroes, and I wanted to meet their needs, as well as selling weapons and Lair-away-from-home sets and so on.”

“And there are a few heroes who order from us for that reason,” Knuckles added. “The ones who can’t get medications to suit their metabolism, or need to eat things that you can’t get easily anywhere else.”

I nodded, because that much I understood. We have some very esoteric ‘dietary supplies’ that start with fresh, healthy, well-treated and disease-free prey animals frozen whole (from mouse up to calf and goat kept in stock, larger sizes by pre-order, halal and kosher certified where possible) and end with human blood (rejected blood bank stock mostly, we have an arrangement), and human flesh and organs (sourced from hospitals, morgues and crematoriums, guaranteed no murder, at least not by us). “Well, I suppose that makes sense. I’m surprised we ship to them, though.”

“Oh, they don’t know we know. It’s all assumed names and secret bank accounts.” Knuckles grinned. “But Mr Trent has all our online customers identified before we ship. And for the ones who don’t have any other options, well… we let it slide.”

“I can see why you don’t want that to get out.” Ms Fedorova tapped her chin. “What does this have to do with disposing of the body? I was planning to set up a really ghoulish display in a public place somewhere, I already have some sketches.” Marketing for Evil-Mart is… well, it includes more than designing our sale flyers.

“No. We’re going to deliver them to a hero… one of the ones who owes us… and make it very clear that just because someone decides to admit he’s a villain, that doesn’t make him one of us and it doesn’t entitle him to union services,” Mr Trent said flatly. “I want to make it crystal clear to all of them that a heel turn does not mean their sins are forgiven, or that we will accept them as anything other than a very brief amusement.”

Late that night – we were all on overtime, but it couldn’t be done in daylight – we wheeled a cart down the run-down hallway of a shoddy apartment building. “This is a terrible address for a hero,” Ms Fedorova muttered. “Are we sure he lives here?”

“I deliver here a couple of times a month.” Knuckles was pushing the cart. “I’m sure.”

“Okay.” Ms Fedorova cleared her throat, coughed once or twice, and suddenly her voice was deeper and her very faint Russian accent was as thick as pea soup. “This is intimidation tactic,” she said, grinning toothily. “Do not act surprised.”

I knocked on the door, but let Knuckles do the talking. “Delivery, Mr West,” he called, using the fake name the guy had been giving.

It worked… the door was unlocked and opened almost immediately. “I scheduled the order for next – “ the mark said, and then we were pushing inside, slamming the door behind us.

“Do not be alarmed, Mr… Dinoid, is it?” Ms Fedorova said, folding her arms. “Evil-Mart is knowing all along your real identity. But you are needing to eat, and we are not turning down regular business, so we make no trouble.”

Knuckles rolled his eyes behind her back at how much she was hamming it up, but I waved a hand. Let her have her fun. So Knuckles started unloading the boxes onto the table while she talked. “First, your Budget Bunny Box. Your favourite, da?” The next box, smaller, plunked down. “Two fresh chickens, halal certified, healthy and having lived good life, gift for good customer.” Knuckles dumped the plastic tub on the floor. “And mortal remains of Superdyne, with note.”

Dinoid was staring at us, but that made him shift into a combat stance, his long claws spread. “The… Superdyne’s dead? And in there?”

“Well. Most of him. The big pieces.” Ms Fedorova shrugged an impressively Russian shrug. I hadn’t even known that was a thing, but when she did it, it was obvious. “You must understand, when a mob tears a man apart, it is hard to find every little piece.”

“I’m pretty sure Doctor Malign and the Genetic Reign took off with doggy bags,” I said, as if I hadn’t handed them over myself. “And Doctor Order probably has some of him too, by now. So looking out for clones would be a good idea, I don’t know if that’s in the note.”

Insofar as that reptilian face could show readable expressions, he looked shocked. “Why on earth would… why? He changed sides? And why did you bring him to me?”

“We know your address, we know you don’t want to turn us in because we’re the only ones who can supply your meals, and our boss wanted us to make this very clear.” I indicated the note. Since Ms Fedorova was hamming up her Sexy Russian Supervillain act, and Knuckles was very obvious Muscle, I figured it was on me to be the Reasonable One. “He might have stopped being a hero, but that didn’t make him one of us. That didn’t make him acceptable to us. Our boss wants it made very clear that your failures shouldn’t expect to be accepted by us… or even spared by us.”

He shifted slowly, the tip of his tail twitching. “I… see. I understand why you would reject Superdyne. He was notorious for killing and maiming people on… your side. But I know other defectors have been accepted. Philomel, for example.”

“Philomel was child of villains. She is young, she is rebellious, she sides with heroes for a while.” Ms Fedorova shrugged. “Is understandable, da? The young do foolish things. She comes home, all is forgiven.”

He nodded slowly. “Tenebrous?”

“That story I don’t know.” Ms Fedorova glanced at me.

I nodded. “Tenebrous was just a kid. He was twelve when Varide recruited him. Nineteen when he broke with the guy. Varide put a kid into combat, left him with massive PTSD, then ditched him when he had a breakdown and went too far. Mx Frantique at least made sure he had a safe place to stay and some therapy.”

“It’s happened a few times.” Knuckles rested his elbows on the cart’s handles, his inhumanly big, strong hands dangling. “But there’s a process. A system. If someone’s sponsored by a villain in good standing, like Frantique sponsoring Tenbrous, they can be accepted. Nobody gets to just choose to join. Especially not a smug, entitled prick like Superdyne.”

Ms Fedorova suddenly leaned forward, scowling. “And why are you called Dinoid? You are not dinosaur. You are clearly monitor lizard. Golden monitor, I think.” She reached out and prodded his arm. “And not healthy, either. Look at colouration! You do not keep environment humid enough. Are having trouble with shedding, da?”

Now we were all staring at her. “You’re a lizard expert now?” Knuckles asked.

She shrugged. “What? Is hobby. Mamma’s little Varanus Acanthurus are pride and joy. Sadly, cannot keep larger monitors in city. Is unkind.”

Dinoid ran a hand over his head slowly. “Not many people realize,” he said slowly. “That’s why I order from you guys. I used to get frozen… food… from a pet supplier, but then I got contacted by someone who told me there was another option.”

“Is good thing. Those pet suppliers, they are rogues. They do not keep animals healthy, can get diseases or mites from those things.” Ms Fedorova sniffed. “I would never buy from them. My babies would get sick.”

He actually chuckled, then, seeming to relax a bit. “You’re not wrong. After… this happened… I got really sick a couple of times before I figured out what to eat, and where to get it. And even the reputable suppliers don’t always have the healthiest stock.” He opened his mouth wide, making a gagging noise. “You have no idea how bad that ‘reptile food’ is. Eating whole animals may be a little disgusting, but it’s nothing to some of that stuff.”

“I believe it,” I said emphatically. “There’s a reason Evil-Mart has such an extensive pet-food line. The horror stories we hear from some of our customers… well, you’d believe it, I bet, but most humans just look confused.”

Knuckles nodded, and spread his hands. “People who can’t pass for regular humans… or even for people, the way most normies see it… are a lot more common on our side of the fence than yours. That’s why we delivered to you. We figured you really needed it.”

“Does he order from the pharmacy?” Ms Fedorova was around behind him now, examining his back. “He is having calcium deficiency, am betting. He needs nutritional supplement.”

“I take a nutritional supplement,” he said defensively.

“The one for normal-sized lizards is not enough for man-sized monitor/human hybrid,” she said firmly. “Check pharmacy section next time. We are having excellent selection of supplements for hybrids, and chart to tell you how much to take for body-mass.”

He looked back and forth between the three of us. “You people are… not what I would have expected from an evil supermarket.”

“We may be… morally challenged,” I said, shrugging, “but we’re not heartless.” I looked around his tiny, shabby apartment. “Unlike some of your lot. I thought you were on a team. Why are you living here?”

He ducked his head. “I couldn’t live at the base,” he said, his tail drooping. “My… I made people uncomfortable. And the stipend isn’t much.”

“Isn’t much? With the merchandising deals they have?” Ms Fedorova sounded shocked, and the accent had dropped back a lot. “I know for a fact that if the accountants ever got hold of their books they’d owe more in back taxes than… well, than Evil-Mart would if our illegal product arm ever got discovered. And we pay our taxes on the legitimate stuff scrupulously.”

Dinoid blinked rapidly, though I couldn’t tell whether he was more surprised by her suddenly dropping her act or the idea that Evil-Mart pays taxes. “You do?”

“Of course. Not under that name, of course, there’s a shell company.” She sniffed. “All villains do. Al Capone, you know. We’re not getting caught that way again.”

Knuckles and I both nodded when he looked at us, and he shook his head. “Huh. Makes sense, I guess.”

“It does.” I looked around again. The place really was crappy. “I know it’s a personal question, Mr… West, but under the circumstances I’d like to know… how much is that stipend?”

He looked down at the floor for a while, then cleared his throat. “Uh. $1100 a month.”

We all stared at him. Ms Fedorova’s mouth fell open. Knuckles looked shocked, and I was horrified. “$1100 a month?!” I asked, my voice coming out louder than I’d intended. “For risking your life on a superhero team?! I have teenaged cashiers working part-time who make more than that!”

He looked almost as startled as we did. “For working a cash register?!”

“Evil-Mart pays pretty good.” Knuckles shrugged. “But that stipend is disgusting.”

“You are being exploited,” Ms Fedorova said, sounding really aghast. “That is terrible. Why, baseline henchman pay is twice that, and there are danger bonuses and…” Her voice dropped suddenly. “You don’t have a union, do you?”

“A union? Of course we don’t have a…” He trailed off. “You mean you do?”

“Of course we do. An extremely well-armed one.” Ms Fedorova folded her arms. “Henchmen And Allied Industries has represented us for generations. The last time a supervillain executed a union henchman for failure, he was boiled in oil… literally. On camera. Oh, of course some of the less reputable villains just pick up small-time trash from the streets, untrained rabble from the gangs and so on, so they can treat them as disposable, but we union members are skilled workers, with rights and protections. I bet you don’t even get overtime.”

“Of course not. Crime happens when it happens, and we have to…” He trailed off. “You guys get overtime?”

“We’re getting double time and a half for this conversation. And an extra day off.”

His eyes widened again. “Really? Wow, that’s… even when I was working a regular job, before this, I didn’t get pay like that.” He looked down at his hands and bared his teeth in what looked like an unhappy expression. “And now I can’t work anything but this kind of job. People don’t like having a scary dinosaur in their restaurant.”

There was a long pause.

“You can cook?” Ms Fedorova asked carefully.

“Yeah. I worked in my parents’ restaurant before… this.” He gestured at himself. “They were killed when we were attacked, and I was… changed.”

We all looked at each other. “After you’ve returned Superdyne’s remains to whoever you consider appropriate,” I said, grabbing a notepad and scribbling down my number, “I’d like you to give me a call. Evil-Mart is always hiring in the bakery and deli, and I mean always. Most bad guys aren’t great cooks. We don’t know why, it just seems to be one of those things.”

“You want me to join the bad guys?”

“I want you to work in a bakery. Villains and henchmen need to eat, and so do their families. Nobody’s going to ask you to rip superheroes in half, just maybe make a sandwich that won’t give anyone food poisoning.”

“That’s a regular concern?”

“Six months ago the three of us ran Evil-Mart’s physical store completely unassisted for most of a day because the only people who weren’t down with food poisoning were the ones who’d had the vegetarian and kosher meals.” I shuddered at the recollection. “Trust me. Someone who can cater staff functions without a major disaster would never have to live in an apartment like this working for us.”

“And we get full benefits, including dental.” Knuckles was shaking his head. “I bet you don’t even get hospital.”

“What hospital would take me? I always figured I’d go to the zoo and talk to the vet if – “

Ms Fedorova actually put her arms around him. “You,” she told him firmly, “are going to resign your terrible exploitative job, and then I will personally sponsor you to the union immediately. I have a spare room. You will like it. Humidity and temperature can be set just how you like, and Mamma Yelena will take you to real doctor expert in health of hybrids.”

“Those exist?” he asked, sounding a bit overwhelmed.

“Yeah, the Genetic Reign has like three of them,” I said sympathetically. “Listen, you can take some time to think it over, but you don’t have to put up with this kind of exploitation just because you don’t look human. Nearly a third of Evil-Mart’s staff can’t pass, and they’re treated just like everyone else.”

Superdyne’s dramatic demise got a lot of news coverage. Apparently it came as a real shock to the ‘good guys’ that there were some monsters even the superest villains wouldn’t embrace.

Dinoid no longer exists. Ismail Jameel works at Evil-Mart, and has expanded our fresh food lines a lot already. He’s a nice guy, and after Ms Fedorova told everyone how disgustingly he’d been exploited by those so-called ‘heroes’, he was welcomed with open arms. Literally, in at least one case – he’s dating someone from the warehouse, I’ve heard, though I don’t know who. He says we should rename the store, because we suck at being evil.

But evil is a really relative term. It can mean the blackest depravity, or a moment of viciousness, or even just ‘people on the other side’. Evil-Mart is called that because everyone, at least everyone on our side, is welcome. Plus, we all think it’s funny that the least-evil megacorporation is called ‘Evil-Mart’. What can we say? Bad guys have a sense of humour too.

Have an evil day!

#welcome to Evil Mart #good is not just good #evil is not just evil #people are complicated #and so is retail #tw graphic #tw gore #tw violence #tw murder #it's a supervillain story #supervillain shit happens #you are now warned