#i’m starting school soon and i want to reduce my social media time. so. i’m going to give myself an hour every week to check in.

[lewisitshammertime]

hi everyone 😊 hope i didn’t miss much lol <3

#haven’t been here in two weeks lol #i’m starting school soon and i want to reduce my social media time. so. i’m going to give myself an hour every week to check in. #discipline isn’t my strongest suit so let’s see how that goes #i will say that being back on social media now has made me feel bad for some reason lol but maybe it’s in my head #going to the dutch gp this weekend maybe i’ll keep y’all posted maybe i won’t😂

[stuhde]

Please give advice on moving out or on getting jobs.

hey! i hope you're doing well anon. apologies for never seeing this ask? i guess with the new tumblr beta i'm seeing some asks on mobile and more on desktop? super weird, but happy to give you my two cents!

moving out

so for moving out, i don't have much to say because i'm kind of limbo on whether or not i want to pay rent for a year and a half before grad school. i'm kind of leaning towards staying at home with my family because grad/law school is MAD money, and for now, i think it's fiscially responsible that i stay home

WITH THAT, moving out is a big financial commiment, and a lot of people have different reasons for moving out. is it for a new job? are you unproductive where you are now? do you need to get out of an abusive situation? do you have the money and means to do so? these are all important questions to ask yourself before making the decision to live alone/with friends/with other people

if you're thinking of moving out LATER in the year, i would say look at places NOW and get a good estimate of the prices you'll have to pay for living. factor in utilities, do you want an in-wash unit? how safe is the area? is it transportation friendly or do you need a car? you have to factor all these in when determining a price range that you're looking for. once you have that down, start saving a little bit so you can comfortable pay rent and access utilities and such when you move

another thing to consider is, do you want roommates? are you okay living in a sublease? (cheaper, but you don't have rights). you should start looking for people you might want to live with soon as well. this will also dramatically reduce how much you're paying in rent and utilities

getting jobs

hoo boy, this is a BIG question that might need its own post one day. i also don't know how great of a resource i am bc i'm still trying to pivot in a full-time job from my current internship (i DID get my first big girl job offer, but i declined it like a FOOL). i do have a few suggestions for your search though:

step 1: identify employers - who are some the people/companies you're thinking of working for? follow their social media (especially LinkedIn), so you're in the loop when they're recuriting cycle begins

step 2: NETWORK, NETWORK, NETWORK - i know networking is the 8th deadly sin, but it is SO important. you MUST connected with recruitors and attend virtual hiring events because when you apply to a job with that organization, they will likely put in a good word for you! i also HIGHLY recommend that if you ever find a job you're interesting in applying to, PLEASE message and connect with someone on LinkedIn because they can give you advice on your application materials AND send in a private note for you (if they like you) once you've submitted an application

step 3: the search - use the broader job searching websites (Handshake; Google Jobs; Indeed; LinkedIn) and make sure that you’re filtering those searches to find things that you’re most interested, in such as level and location. if you're looking for entry-level jobs, most have the term "associate" in them. also make sure you’re getting email alerts and notifications for those job searches, maybe even set those alters to daily because the timing of job drops matters (week to 2 weeks)

step 4: the application - unpopular opinion, but just have ONE general resume with your skills and experince, i don't find it helpful to create a tailored one for every job you apply to. what needs to be new and tailored each time is the COVER LETTER. the cl is one of THE most important parts of your application. make sure it doesn't photocopy everything from your resume - this is really your opportunity to showcase why you're passionate about the organization, why you want to work here (use personal expereinces!), what your skills and experiences can CONTRIBUTE to the work of the organization (actually read into what they do and LINK to how you can add upon that work with your experience).

step 5: timing matters - get in the habit to applying immediately, put the application within 24 hours or into a week, nothing longer than this

this is SUPER long, but also so brief lol. i hope you find this helpful! best of luck with everything anon - you got this!

#oof job searching is SUCH a hassle #but on the bright side once you nail down the first one you can get more easily #or so i'm told #tips #advice #help #adulting #moving out #jobs #job searching #job search #long post #anonymous #answered

[shoyomeow]

EPIPHANY

❀ characters : wakatoshi ushijima x female reader

❀ genre : angst, angst, more angst and a sprinkle of fluff

❀ wc: 1533

“I know I shouldn’t be here.” 

“Then why are you here?” 

     ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

You refused to believe it. 

Anybody but him.

He couldn’t possibly do this to you could he? Sora must have mistaken him for someone else right? Or who knows, he’s been getting a lot of attention from the press nowadays, maybe a hungry paparazzi made an edit for him. With the technology today it wasn’t completely out of the question right? 

You couldn’t even listen to your own thoughts because a part of you knew that you were simply trying to delude yourself by coming up with these justifications. You knew that no one could truly mistake him for someone else, he towered over everyone else and had an overwhelming presence, besides Sora had 20/20 vision. Paparazzi? That’s impossible because he was wearing the clothes that he had FaceTimed you in an hour ago, no matter how good you are it would be impossible for paparazzi to edit such a realistic picture within an hour and even more impossible for Sora to get hands on it before it was posted on social media.

You had always prided yourself in being rational, so why was it that right now you wanted to be anything but that?

Being rational meant accepting the fact that your boyfriend, who you loved and adored and had been with since your second year of high school, had his hands entwined with a stranger.

Being rational meant accepting that the ease in which he was doing this in a public setting meant that it wasn’t the first time. 

Being rational meant that you had to acknowledge that he couldn’t possibly be drunk because he refuses to drink for a week before a match, there have never been any exceptions and he probably wasn’t going to start now.

Being rational meant that you couldn’t be in denial anymore. 

Being rational meant that Wakatoshi Ushijima, the last person you had expected to hurt you, was cheating on you. And from the looks of it, it probably was not the first time he was doing this. 

          ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“Ushijima-san, you should go home.” the feelings that you thought you had overcome, the betrayal, the grief, the anger and the hatred you felt for yourself for so long came back crashing on you as you looked at the drunk man. At first glance one couldn’t possibly tell that he was drunk, but you had known him for far too long to not recognise his intoxicated state.

“You used to call me Toshi, please call me that again.”

“Ushijima-san,” you were clutching onto your apartment door so hard that you wondered if you would bleed today, “Do you have someone who can pick you up?”

It was four in the morning and you had been sitting in the same position for the past hour. Prior to that you were far too numb to realise your own emotions as you mindlessly and with a sense of monotony packed your bag. 

You sat down on the couch, the first piece of furniture that you had bought with Wakatoshi when you moved in with him, the once beige sofa was stained and had threads coming out of it’s upholstered ends but you never did have the heart to throw it away. 

There was a sense of dread that settled at the pit of your stomach as you processed your own thoughts. Were you going to remain oblivious to Wakatoshi doing this had Sora’s friend not sent her those pictures? Was he going to keep the wool over your eyes as you planned for a future with him? What if you two had kids at some point, would he have continued to do this?

The fact that he seemed so normal and nonchalant about him cheating was the thing that hurt you. It would make you a liar if you said that the act of cheating itself didn’t hurt but you could’ve dealt with that pain easier if he had been the one to tell you. But to have him lie to you for god knows how long, and see you plan your suburban fantasy with him was humiliating.

You heard the click of the door and straightened your back, he may have hurt you but you will not give him the satisfaction or ego boost by crying over him.

             ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“Please let go of me Ushijima-san.” his grip on the long sleeves of the hoodie you were wearing wasn’t strong, it was similar to the grip a mother would tell her child to practice so that they wouldn’t get separated. You didn’t know how long you could keep up the indifferent facade. You didn’t want him to see you be vulnerable, not back then and certainly not now. 

“You used to wear my hoodies too y/n, why did you stop? I always liked seeing you be swallowed up by them.” Ushijima wasn’t a clingy drunk, he was simply a person who exaggerated his pre-existent qualities. He became more blunt, if that was even possible and he always acted on the first thought that popped into his mind.

“Because we have nothing to do with each other anymore, Ushijima-san.” 

           ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“You’re up?” his tone was neutral like it always was, no underlying nervousness, no guilt that you could sense, “Are you going somewhere?”

“Yeah, I’m leaving Wakatoshi.” you wondered how your tone sounded so firm and sincere when you felt like you were breaking apart inside.

“Ah I see, is everything alright?” there was a time when you found him taking everything into a literal sense endearing, now you just wanted to kill him.

“Everything is just dandy, you would know wouldn’t you? After all, you just got laid.” You wondered if it was normal to feel smug as you witnessed the sense of dread, shame and guilt well up in his demeanour, “I just want to know, how long has this been going for?”

He knew better than to lie to you but at least he had the decency to not meet your eyes as shame manifested and bloomed within him, “Around eight months.”

“Eight months,” you mulled over it for a moment when realisation struck you, “That was when you had gone with the team to Osaka right? For a retreat.”

“Yes.”

“I see.” you released a soft sigh, you would cry, you were going to bawl your eyes out as soon as you got into the cab that you had booked for yourself, the one who was definitely going to charge extra for having to wait for so long. You would probably cry for days over the fact that eight months ago, when he had missed out on your anniversary and you had not been worried about it because you had been together for far too long to worry about stuff like that, he had probably been balls deep into someone else.

“Ushijima,” his surname tasted foreign on your tongue as you had not addressed him with that in far too long, “I want you to not talk or say anything else. I’m leaving and by that I mean that I’m leaving you. I wish you luck in your future endeavours and may you forever rot in hell.” 

“Y/n,” he called out as you grabbed your things to leave, “For what it’s worth, I am sorry.”

“You know something?” you smiled at him, the bitter and hate filled smile that you gave him made his heart ache, “I think that’s the first time I’ve recognised a lie of yours. Kudos to me.”

           ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“The cab is here Ushijima-san, please get in and leave. I have already told them your address.”

“Why?” He slurred as he was helped by the driver to get  into the car, “Why can’t it be our address anymore? Please come back. I miss you y/n.”

You smiled again, the same bitter smile that you had given to him while you were parting two years ago but much less hateful, “Ushijima-san, kindly get the fuck away from me and never try to contact me again. If you show up at my place again I will be forced to take legal 

You straightened your back once again as you walked into your apartment. 

The pain of him doing what he had done still haunted you, after all, can someone ever truly get over being betrayed by the person they trusted the most? But you could happily say that while the pain still existed, it had reduced into a dull throb. 

“Hey babe, who was at the door?” 

You couldn’t help but smile at your boyfriend who had his hair in foils waiting for the dye to set in and a face coated with a green face mask, “Oh it was just Ushijima.”

“Oh okay,” Atsumu turned to go back into the washroom, before his mind processed your words causing him to snap his head at you, “WAIT WHAT?”

You couldn’t help but laugh as you walked towards him and pulled him into a soft kiss, trying to ignore the green face mask which had undoubtedly transferred a little onto your own skin, “You’re annoying as hell but I love you so much.”

         ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

special shoutout to @samuthots​ cause i got the prompt list from her and that is what inspired this fic.

@daifwukus​

#haikyuu #maya writes #ushijima angst #hq ushijima #hq atsumu #ushijima x reader #haikyuu fic #ushijima wakatoshi #haikyuu story #fic writing #fic #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! #bbthots

[lovee-infected]

I'm about to start my own (twst) writing blog and I'm going around writers that I follow for some advice q*q could you give me any wisdom on what I should do when starting a writing blog? thank you!! I love your works and you're one of the writers that inspire me

Aa thank you baby I'm so happy to hear that I inspire you!! First off, good luck with the new writing blog! I'm glad that more authors are joining the fandom and wish you all the best with your works! 💞💖💞 Other than trying to keep your blog organized by creating a proper masterlist, choosing a suitable aesthetic, having a set of rules and making sure to tag all of the warnings and necessary mentions (gender of reader, n/sfw or trigger warning), I tried to come up with some useful advises that might help!

1) Keep up the great confidence!

First and the most important thing about a writing blog, is to be confident and strong. Look, you shouldn't be afraid of posting your works and sharing with the redt of the fandom, even as they're not as perfect as you want them to be. The more you write, the more you learn! And you'd grow to be better and better as you continue to share your works! Not even the greatest authors had been any perfect on their first days!

2) If you're accepting requests, try to set a limit

Being overwhelmed with asks is never pleasant, if you just open your inbox to face 500 requests you'd be to be terrified and confused and even lose your passion to work on any of them because of the stress and not knowing where to begin from. Try to set a limit based on your personal limits, how many requests do you think you can have at the time without stressing out because of how much they are? 10? 20? 50? 100? 200? Doesn't matter! If you feel like you're fine with huge numbers like 200 and 150, it's totally fine! If not, remember that setting a character limit would not only reduce the possible chance of stressing out and overwhelming anxiety but it'll also help you manage your inbox better and easier! You can start taking requests again just as soon as your inbox in cleared!

3) Try to treat yourself every once in a while!

Working on requests can be tiring and sometimes, boring. It's great if you enjoy working on requests no matter what they are but remember to write for your own pleasure every once in a while too!

Even if you have like 100 requests laying in your inbox, feel free to write self indulgent fics or something that you'd like to write even if it's super odd an irrelevant to your normal writings! Remember that you deserve to read something you enjoy just as much as the others do, so don't forget to bless yourself with that beautiful writing of yours ;) Remember that it's your blog, you are free to do everything that makes you happy or anything that you simply enjoy doing ^^

4) Remember that no matter what, toxicity always exists and it's not your fault

Look toxicity is very common to be found social medias, especially platforms like tumblr in which anonymous function exists. Even celebrities and world-famous artists might get attacked over pretty silly stuff every once in a while so it's something usual to happen! I wish you never receive any potentially harmful or rude asks or messages but if you ever do, best would be to block or simply ignore them! People in this platform can be ridiculous sometimes lol, there are people who DM creators just to spam hate and block the creator whom they spammed after wards lol, so don't even bother t waste your time with such people!

If anyone comes to your inbox/DMs/comments to say something harsh or leave a sharp critique, best would be to ignore them. Even if you like to answer or respond to reply to them tey to be chill and not take them seriously. Remember, even if they didn't like your content they could've just scrolled down without bothering to read your work, so if they had the guts to come and spam you with nonsense just because they didn't like your work, it's their fault! They didn't have to read, and it doesn't even matter if they liked your work or not! It's their problem and all, so remember not to let these kind of people get to you at all!

5) Take it easy with writing

Don't push yourself too hard, remember that not everything you write is supposed to be *perfect. This is even more serious when it comes to requests, thousands of unexpected ideas might pop up in your inbox and it makes it quite confusing to choose what to write or do!

First off, don't be any shy or anxious about rejecting the requests which don't follow your rules or come when you aren't accepting requests. Those who violate your rules aren't worthy of your time and work!

Secondly, keep this is mind that you aren't expected to be able to write everything! Sometimes the requests are hard to write, the idea seems odd or hard to understand, or sometimes you just don't feel comfortable or don't want to write it all, which is okay!

You always have the right to take/drop whichever of your requests and you don't owe anyone anything for this, it's your own blog, your work, and your content. Don't ever force yourself to write something which you don't like to write!

6) Your health is always the top priority

Remember that no matter how popular you are, how many followers you have, how many requests are left in your inbox or how much people are wishing to get more of your content, you're free to stop writing and put this wrong at a temporarily (or even permanent) hiatus.

Sometimes you just don't feel like writing, then don't write. If you feel like you're being too busy with work/family/school and anything please don't force yourself to write! Remember that your real life matters always come first!

Also, you might even need a break from writing without necessarily being really busy or sad, sometimes you just need to take a break from everything, and it's totally fine to do! Take as much time as you need and stay healthy during your breaks. It'd be even better if you don't even think of any new ideas/Aus while you're taking a break from writing so you can fully set your mind off stuff! Doesn't even matter if followers/readers are going to appreciate this or not, it's not about them, it's about you. Remember that your good readers/follwers who understand that authors are normal humans and not writing machines would surely understand if you need to take a break too!

7)Keep yourself motivated!

There might be days when you can and have the time to write, but something's holding you back. You feel like procrastinating over and over at some point lose the motivation to write. First off, that's a really normal matter to see as many of us have to struggle with laziness sometimes lol, but there are some useful tips to keep yourself Motamedi and hyped while you're planning to write! A bit of challenge would not only make it a lot more fun, but is also a good way to keep yourself motivated and inspired!

First, try prompt lists! They've always got plenty of useful ideas and inspirational quotes to use and are absolutely amazing to give you new ideas for a writing!

Second, try to challenge yourself by simple stuff like setting yourself word limits, trying to see how much you can write in an hour, use some suggested words in your stories (ex: Banana, train, knife, turkey) as a small challenge! You can also try small events (like milestone or holiday events) to celebrate on your blog with stuff like: Prompt list requests, CYOAs, character interaction and other new stuff that gives you a better motivation tp write instead of just having to work on the same, usual writing requests over and over.

Also, I suggest putting an specific hour for writing/ checking on your blog in your daily schedule as this is also a way of avoiding procrastination, instead of writing 10 requests a day and not writing anything for two weeks, try to set an schedule like writing 1-2 writings everyday! Remember to put your real life activities in the schedule too so you won't have to go through any trouble to find a balance between your real life and running a writing blog!

8) Remember the crediting/copyrights

I'm just adding this here because I can see quite a few of writers using uncredited art for their stories and it's been much and less of an issue lately ^^;

First off, the arts/headers used in your writing. Make sure not to use any uncredited card or anyone else's edit without their permission, otherwise it's nothing different from stealing the work from the original artst!

If you're going to leave a link to the artist, make sure to check on them and check if they allow reposts with credit or not. If they don't, don't use their art. If they do, make sure to give them a proper credit with a link to them! (:

Editors too on the other hand spend a very long time making their edits and and aesthetics, so not copying their work is just as important as not stealing art from the artsits!

Pinterest is filled with uncredited art and if there's a pinterest art who is not linked to the original artist, putting the empty pinterest pin link would be useless and steal counted as stealing art.

9) Stick with your own writing style!

Writing style is like signature, everyone's got their very own and unique writing style. From the way you portray characters to what elements you use as the story develops, you're totally different from each and every of other authors in this fandom!

You may sometimes wonder if your writing style is any good at all while you look at other creators writings and feel the difference, and I gotta say: It doesn't even matter what others are doing! All that is important, is you.

Don't try to change your style to become close another writer's style, your own style is great as it already is! Even if you aren't yet that experienced with writing and feel like your writing could be better, remember that your writing skills will indeed improve as you continue to write and read newer and newer stuff, so don't worry about it!

Each and every writing style has got its own beauty, not everyone may totally enjoy your style at first but and as you continue to write, you'd get to learn what makes people enjoy your writing even more or how you can attract new readers with your writings, your style will change for the better as you write!

Though it's totally fine if you feel like there are writers who inspire and motivate you, remember that you won't have to be them in order to improve! You don't need to be just like them to be great! Even if you do have some issues like being a non-native speaker which can make it quite hard for you to write, you'd automatically learn and have most of your errors fixed as the time passes. I made LOTS of mistakes in my first writings but I hardly ever make any mistakes now because I'm used to it! Though it was a bit late I finally recognized my mistakes and corrected them! And I'd continue to correct more of my mistakes as I continue to write!

10) It's very good to have different writer mutuals

This one is rather optional, just a small recommendation! Though there are many writers who might recommend this as a rather important factor for running a writing blog, I'd say that this isn't necessary as there are still well-known tumblr authors and even twst authors who gained attention to themselves on their own and not with the help and support of any mutuals or writer friends, so it isn't impossible to be successful even without having any mutuals!

The thing with having mutuals is that it makes everything easier. A totally new twst blog can gain around 100 followers on its first without even posting anything more than a writing and a list of rules only because of being supported and boosted by well-known blogs while a for normal blog without any support or boosting, it may take up to 2-3 weeks or even an entire month to gain that 100!

Also, getting to talk with different authors (especially those who are more experienced than you) is motivational and heartwarming, you can feel like you have a team to belong to. You can discuss different writing ideas/issues/blog chores with them and see what they may think. You can even have their support with new ideas if you feel stuck/unmotivated while writing a piece!

I didn't have any mutuals on my first days either and I admit that this made things a bit hard, but it didn't hold me back from continuing to write! Yet I admit that it's surely very useful to have a couple of writer friends around you whom you can share your ideas with! Mutuals support each other, reblog each other's works and give each other a better chance of having their works read by more users, which is quite amazing and helpful!

11) Go for it and don't give up!

Remember that no one, not even the greatest writing blogs have been perfect on their first days. They weren't well-known back then either! And they wouldn't have been any successful today without being hard-working and strong. Leaving up to the previous 10 rules is the hardest part of having a blog, and it's all about not giving up!

Do not try to judge your writing and talents based on the amount of notes your posts get or how many followers you have, because these aren't ever going to show your true worth and talents! But I assure you, if you continue to write even through your hard days, your unmotivated days and your sad days no matter how hard it's supposed to be, everything will change. The more you write, the higher the chance of having new people find and read your works would be! Keeping up the hard work and believing in yourself is the key to achieving anything you may wish for, even having a successful writing blog!

As you continue to write, you'll get more readers, more notes on your posts, more followers and more people who enjoy your content!

Hope that these are helpful, wish you all the greatest and good luck with your writing blog!!💞💕💞💕💞💕💞💕💞💕💞💕💞💕💞💕💞💕💞💕💞

#answered #twst #twisted wonderland #twst x reader #twisted Wonderland x reader #writing #writing tips #writing blog tips

[xofanfics]

String - Part III

Prologue | Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV

Genre: angst, fluff, suggestive themes

Pairing: Baekhyun x Female Reader

Word Count: 2.9k

Summary: You find yourself in a friends-with-benefits situation with your best friend. You have no business falling for him, but your heart begs to differ.

Eight months had gone by since Baekhyun had seen Kira last. They’d been seeing each other the previous semester but then she got accepted to study abroad, putting their short term situationship to an end. Baekhyun liked her and she liked him; that was clear back then. The timing wasn’t right and Baekhyun had had hopes that they’d start seeing each other again once she got back. While she was in Italy, they’d texted some until their communications were reduced to comments on each others’ social media stories.

Baekhyun had been a bit jealous when he noticed a recurring man in her photos. He kept the details to himself but he did complain about his love life to you. She’d forgotten all about him, clearly and it bummed him out. The two of you had been up late watching tv and complaining about your love lives. He said, “This dating thing sucks, Y/N…”

And you’d said, “It does but complaining at two in the morning isn’t going to help you.”

And he realized you were right. A few days later, he decided to take control of his love life. “I know we’re still a little drunk but I wanna make you feel good. What do you think?” He didn’t know what came over him at the time. Some of it was the liquor and the rest of it was because he was tired of thinking about the girl he couldn’t even have. He thought, Why not have sex with someone I actually have a chance with?

Kira returned to the table, two donuts stuffed with ice cream in her hands. Baekhyun smiled as she handed it to him. “I told you I’d buy you ice cream when I came back,” she said. “Do you still come here?”

Baekhyun shook his head and took a bite. “I haven’t been here since the last time we came.”

Kira took a bite out of hers. Baekhyun couldn’t believe he was looking at her. He took in her beautiful face. Kira was never one to wear much makeup. He noticed that for the most part, she only wore mascara on her long lashes and lipstick on her full, plump lips. She got a tan while she was in Italy he noticed, her skin a golden brown. He didn’t take his eyes off of her during that first bite. The feelings that he had before came rushing back to him the moment their eyes met.

They stayed in the ice cream shop for an hour or two, just catching up and filling each other in on their lives. Kira had a lot to talk about and Baekhyun never got bored. Around eight, they got hungry for real food and ended up eating Italian food at a place called San Marzano. It was one of Baekhyun’s favorite places in the city because it was cheap and because the staff filled people’s wine glasses to the point where they could actually get drunk off of wine.

They ended up waiting around forty minutes but it was a nice evening and Kira didn’t seem to mind it, so they walked around East Village until it was time to make their way back to the restaurant. He and Kira had been on a few dates before but this seemed different. For some reason things felt more raw, more authentic. He felt so alive and in the moment. All he saw and could focus on was Kira. He watched her as she talked. He watched the way her lips moved and the way the corners would turn up into a smile every so often. He listened to the sound of her voice and how it was sweet, honey wrapped around her pretty little vocal cords. He watched her as she drank from her wine glass and how the lipstick she just applied got all over the rim of the glass. He watched as she ate her pasta and the sound of pure pleasure she made at the taste.

Baekhyun was on his second glass of Chardonnay when he felt like his heart was going to burst. Suddenly, he said, “I missed you…”

Though Baekhyun didn’t expect to hear this, she said, “I missed you, too.”

Feeling a little bold, he said, “Is it too late to pick up where we left off?” * The week seemed to drag on. You hadn’t been able to get Baekhyun alone for the past week. The times you’d seen him was when you were with your friends but you wanted to get him alone so that you could talk about your relationship. On Friday, you decided to text him as your shift ended. No one had made any plans of going out tonight so you figured the chances of him being free were higher.

[3:04PM] Hey, can we talk?

Baekhyun [3:32PM] What’s up?

[3:35PM] Are you free tonight?

Baekhyun [3:41PM] I’m going to dinner tonight. You’re still coming to brunch tomorrow though, right?

[3:43 PM] Yeah

Baekhyun [3:45PM] Let’s talk tomorrow then

You weren’t quite satisfied with talking to him tomorrow, being that Evie’s words were still haunting you a week later. Hell, even Sehun’s words were making you feel insecure. You still heard his voice clearly in your head. Kind of? You don’t seem too sure.

You wanted to talk to Baekhyun about where you stood as soon as possible but tomorrow would have to do. Plus, you’d both get drunk and probably end up having sex before the day was over. The thought of having sex with Baekhyun put you in a better mood. It’d been about a week and a half since the last time but you found yourself craving it more than usual. You hadn’t seen him as much since he’d been back and that was understandable, with work and school and everything. * You made it a point to do your makeup and hair in the morning. You put on the black thong that you wore the first time you had sex. You recalled the memory, like it was yesterday. You thought about the way he held you, the way he called your name, and how wild and unexpected it had been. It had been a while since you’d had a spontaneous moment with him.

When you were finished, you looked at yourself in the mirror and were proud of your look. Your lips had a slight tint of pink and your winged eyeliner was something that even the gods couldn’t duplicate. Not to mention that your eyelashes went on without a fuss! You wore a floral dress that flowed with the wind. It showed just enough cleavage to get a man’s attention but not enough to get him hard at the dinner table. You covered up with a jean jacket and grabbed your shoulder bag before heading out.

As you waited for the L train, Sehun crossed your mind. You felt bad about not texting him but you’d explained your reason to him. He didn’t need more than that. Hell, he was a good looking guy; you were sure he’d find someone. It just wouldn’t be you. Your heart was set on Baekhyun and Baekhyun only.

By the time you got to the restaurant, Baekhyun hadn’t arrived yet. You couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed; you wanted him to watch as you made your entrance into the restaurant and toward your table. Maybe it was a bit dramatic. You made your way to the back of the restaurant and greeted your friends.

“God, you look so fucking gorgeous,” said Sadie.

You smiled. “Thanks Sadie.”

Daren winked. “Fine as fuck.”

“Thanks guys,” you said, nearly blushing.

The group ordered the first round of drinks, keeping Baekhyun’s arrival in mind. And like clockwork, Baekhyun showed up and headed toward the table. “Sorry I’m late,” he said, taking his seat across from you.

“Lucky for you we just ordered a pitcher to start us off,” you said.

He chuckled. “Do you have a fashion show to go to after this?”

“Maybe…”

Baekhyun was always so playful, so flirty. He’d always been like this: flirting, making dirty jokes, and so on. He’d been like this even before that night the two of you crossed the line and had sex. Not much had changed other than the fact that you and Baekhyun occasionally would end up in each other’s beds for reasons beyond cuddling.

During brunch, you kept checking the time and were starting to get a little impatient. You wanted to talk to Baekhyun and, to be honest, you felt like your friends were standing in the way of it all. After what seemed like a painful hour and a half, the six of you left and stood outside. You assumed that you’d all go your separate ways until a tipsy Evie said, “It’s only one. It’s too early to go home!”

Then, Baekhyun turned to you. “Didn’t you say your roommates weren’t here this weekend? What if we come over?”

You honestly didn’t want to but after thinking it over again, you realized that going about things this way would be easier since Baekhyun was going to be in your apartment anyway. After everyone else left, you’d be able to talk to him about things and get under him later.

“Um, sure,” you offered.

Evie clapped her hands together. “Yay!”

Drew said, “We can go to that liquor store by your place and get a bottle right? How drunk is everyone trying to get.”

Daren scoffed. “As drunk as humanely possible.” * In case anyone was wondering, Daren did get as drunk as humanely possible and he spent the last thirty minutes of his stay at your apartment throwing up in the toilet because, apparently, he’d overdone it. And a drunk Evie pat his back and sang “Pocketful of Sunshine” while he threw up. Baekhyun supervised, leaning on the door frame. When you approached your friends, you said, “How are they? Evie didn’t start throwing up, did she?”

Before Baekhyun could answer, Evie chimed in. “Hey! I’m not that drunk.”

You laughed and turned back to Baekhyun. He said, “By the way, I’ll clean the toilet after he’s done.”

“Thanks.”

Daren flushed the toilet and wiped his mouth before Evie started helping him at the sink and handing him mouthwash. While they did that, Baekhyun went to work with the toilet brush and toilet bowl cleaner. Within the next ten minutes or so, everyone had started cleaning up the cups and bottles in the kitchen. You appreciated the gesture. As everyone started heading toward the door, Baekhyun followed.

You said, “You’re not going to stay?”

He frowned. “I would but Daren’s in bad shape. Drew left earlier and I think Daren would be better off getting in an Uber with me back to my place to sleep this off. Let’s hangout another day, just us, okay?”

You nodded, knowing that it would be selfish of you to complain when your friend was drunk and suffering. You accepted defeat and said your goodbyes. As the door slammed shut, you let out a sigh. Life had one point and you, on the other hand, had zero—another loss on your end. * You swiped on Instagram after your shower and came across Baekhyun’s profile. Clicking on his profile, you saw that he was watching Euphoria. You felt a pang of hurt as you recalled him saying that you’d watch it together. It was just a show and it wasn’t a big deal but you still couldn’t help but feel annoyed that he’d started watching it without you. When it came out in June, he was the one who asked you to wait until he came back so that you could watch it together.

You decided to reply to his story: Watching without me, huh?

He wrote back, Damn, I forgot. I’ll rewatch the first episode with you. Are you busy tomorrow?

I’m free. Come over.

You messaged him feeling a little annoyed but you felt so much better knowing that you’d see him tomorrow. Sex aside, you missed him. Sex was great but you just craved sitting on the couch and stuffing your faces with takeout. You missed just being around him, doing nothing; just the two of you.

You got in bed, excited to be seeing Baekhyun tomorrow after classes. Finally, some time alone with him. * Butterflies sat in your stomach for hours, fluttering and pushing against the walls, threatening to burst from your bofy. You felt the ticklish feeling until six o’clock as you grabbed Baekhyun’s favorite ten dollar bottle of wine from the liquor store near your apartment. Baekhyun said he’d get to your place around six thirty and you couldn’t contain your excitement.

When you got back your roommate Mya was in the kitchen cooking something that smelled delicious. You’d let her know earlier that you’d be in the living room with Baekhyun, just so that there was no issue with using the TV. Mya smiled as you came in. “Hey Y/N. I’ll be done in a few,” she said.

“No rush,” you said, putting the wine in the fridge. You sat at the counter. “What are you making?”

“Just some beef stew. I don’t think the meat will be that tender to be honest,” Mya said. “I was thinking of getting an Instant Pot. That would make things like this so much easier.”

“You should get one. My mom got one on sale a few months ago.”

“Yeah, it’s definitely worth the investment. Plus I’ll have it for my future one bedroom apartment. I’m manifesting my dream life.”

You’d never given much thought about your future after college, other than getting a job. Mya was skipping over those things and fast forwarding to the things she wanted to get out of life. Thinking about it a little more deeply, by getting her dream apartment, she’d have her dream career and make lots of money.

“I need to get to that level of positivity…”

“You should make a vision board sometime. It helps and it can be your motivation.”

Before you could add anything else, there was a knock on the door. Looking through the peephole, you found the person you’d been expecting. You smiled and let him in.

“Hey,” he said, giving you one of those bear hugs you loved. He turned to the kitchen. “Hi Mya.”

She said, “Hey Baekhyun. Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I was in Korea for the summer,” he explained. “What are you making by the way? Smells good.”

The three of you made small talk for five more minutes before Mya finished up in the kitchen. Then, Baekhyun plopped on the couch and picked up his phone. You sat next to him. He said, “You hungry?”

“Not really, but I will be.”

“What do you wanna get?”

“How about some Thai food?”

Baekhyun nodded. “That’s a good idea.”

You leaned on Baekhyun’s shoulder as you both ordered the dishes you wanted. You ended up ordering basil fried rice and pad thai with some spring rolls. After ordering, you put on the TV. “You wanna wait to watch Euphoria and watch it while we eat?” He nodded and went to the kitchen to grab his backpack. He pulled out your favorite snack, handing it to you.

You smiled, taking the bag of honey snacks. “You remembered.”

“I found the big bag of them at h mart and thought I’d get it for you.”

As the food came and you watched a couple episodes of the show, you felt like things were returning to the way they used to be. You laughed and joked. He tickled you when you made slick-ass comments to roast him, sending you in a frenzy of giggles. He reminisced about old times and filled you in about his school year so far. He told you about how the gym doesn’t suit him and that he’s been swimming lately. He expressed his concerns about graduation and talked about one day how he wanted to start a business. The two of you danced like fools in the living room and you hugged him, tipsy off of the wine.

And you ended up passing out on the couch, Baekhyun falling asleep on a pillow in your lap. You weren’t sure what time you fell asleep or how you fell asleep in the first place, but you woke up and saw that the cable box let you know that it was almost midnight. Baekhyun was still fast asleep, his mouth slightly ajar.

“Hey,” you said, tapping his cheek. “Wake up babe…”

Baekhyun opened his eyes, a bit startled and sat up. “God, what time is it? How did we fall asleep?”

“No idea,” you said, laughing. “One minute we were dancing and then the next minute we weren’t. Let’s sleep in the bed.”

“I should actually head home,” he said. “I’m going to the pool in the morning for a workout.”

Disappointment washed over you. It wasn’t a big deal and you knew that he wasn’t lying but you couldn’t help but feel annoyed at the fact that he wasn’t going to sleep over. After all your efforts, your chance was shot down yet again. You didn’t want to come off as crazy or be insensitive or anything like that, so you kept your mouth shut.

“Oh,” you said. “Okay.”

“I wanted to go early in the morning,” he explained.

“Yeah that’s fine,” you said.

As Baekhyun stood up and grabbed his things, you couldn’t help but feel frustrated. Your chance had been blown away by a strong gust of wind that you couldn’t control. Things with Baekhyun were up in the air and you didn’t know if you could get a hold of the situation. A relationship with Baekhyun was beginning to seem like a faraway dream.

*********

Tag List: @shesdreaminginoverdose @multistania

Please DM me if you want to be added to the tag list! Hope you enjoyed this chapter :)

#baekhyun #byun baekhyun #baekhyun fluff #baekhyun smut #baekhyun angst #exo angst #exo fluff #exo smut #exo fanfic #exo imagines #baekhyun imagines #exo reactions #kpop angst #kpop smut #kpop fluff #fwb!au #fwb!baekhyun #fwb! to lovers

[forkanna]

[AO3] [WATTPAD]

WARNING: Another NSFW chapter, though this one contains more plot.

NOTE: I apologise for taking nearly a month off from posting. Just haven't been in a writing mood. I'll be trying to get back to our regularly scheduled programme soon!

                                                  ~ o ~

The appointed hour had arrived. Rise watched Ai's face carefully as it was screwed up in concentration, trying to ignore the anxious flutter in the pit of her stomach. This situation was life-or-death, because if it went in a direction she didn't like she would probably want to throw herself off the nearest bridge.

"Well…?"

"Hmm… it's like… a shiny flower… butterfly… thing."

"What?!"

Huffing, Ai pushed up on her elbows a little more. "Well, what do you want me to say?! That's what it looks like, spread open like that!"

"Ughh, you don't have to make me feel like my body is weird! I'm doing this for you, remember?"

"Yes, and I appreciate it, of course," she conceded with a roll of her eyes. "But don't act like I don't have a point; that is what it reminds me of. I'm just being honest."

Now all Rise wanted to do was close her legs. But she had to ask one more question. "Does… does that mean you don't like it?"

"What? No way, don't be an idiot!" Crawling forward to look straight into her eyes, she whispered, "You're the hottest chick at Yasogami. Well, besides me." They both smirked. "And every part of you is beautiful, do you hear me?"

"Okay, okay," she muttered glumly, trying not to pout. "Sorry."

"No, no, I get it. Suddenly I'm the bitch whose opinion matters a lot because my body is the only one that gets really close to yours. Like, you're obviously going to be worried that I'm not into your body as much as you're clearly into mine."

"Geez, you don't have to put it like that, Ebi-chan. I'm not a pervert! I just… I really like my girlfriend, it's normal! Well… not that liking girls is."

Ai shrugged as she reached down to pet her fingers up and down over Rise's abdomen. They were on the tatami in the middle of their hotel room, the setting sun barely lighting up the walls, and Ai was still fully dressed whereas her girlfriend had fully disrobed, to give her the chance to examine her body at her leisure. It was a little weird, and she felt like a lab experiment, but she knew Ai had probably felt much the same when she was sniffing around her dick before. Fair was fair.

"I think it's pretty normal," Ai protested as her flawlessly-buffed fingernails teased through Rise's well-trimmed strip of pubic hair. Why was that not just hot, but somehow yet hotter because they were such delicate fingers?

"Mmhhh… well, I… I feel so guilty, still. Like we're sneaking around and doing something naughty."

Her lips quirked into another smirk. "Oh, we're definitely naughty. But sneaking around? It's kind of a social media blitz for you or whatever, so… either we're not doing that at all, or we are amazingly shitty at it."

"Shut up," she snorted, bopping Ai on the ear with her knee. It was the easiest thing to reach. "But um… I guess that's true."

"Everything's completely fine, girl," she told her in that extremely rare tone of gentleness that made Rise's heart pound double-time. "We're golden — it's Golden Week. Loosen up."

Snorting, she shot back, "I could have said that to you this morning." Ai rolled her eyes. "Y'know, when my finger was in y-"

"Yes, I get it, I get it." Her head tilted to one side, honey-hued locks pooling on the floor. "Did you like that?"

"Well… it was weird, and kinda gross at first. But!" she protested when Ai started to grimace. "I'd do it just to make you happy, even if it was horrible. And it wasn't, okay? I even…"

When Rise still hadn't finished that sentence after a few seconds, Ai wound up prompting her, "You even… liked it? Hated it? Give me something to go on here."

"No. It's too weird."

"Come on, it's just us. You gotta get used to trusting me sometime. Or don't, I guess."

"Are you… guilting me?"

"See? You already don't trust me." But when Rise pouted, she snorted and poked her in the tummy. "Just playing with you… but maybe also making a point. I know I'm kind of a bitch, but I'm trying to trust you despite almost outing me to the entire school. Can it start cutting both ways?"

Thoroughly chagrined, she whispered, "Well… that's not exactly what this is. But I get it. I'm just embarrassed and you know that, but I'll try to open up… if you do."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. So if I admit I thought it was pretty hot, watching you get all squirmy… will you admit that you liked me slipping a finger up there?"

Stalemate. Both of them were staring into each other's eyes, trying not to give ground. A perfect example that both of them were correct in their estimations of what areas they needed to work on. Eventually Ai took a breath and sighed, "Okay, okay, you're right. I just… it's almost like admitting weakness. Which is so dumb that I care, we should both be getting more comfortable with each other."

"Okay. Just this time, even though you didn't say it, I'll accept that as you admitting you liked it," Rise said in a slight sing-song. When her girlfriend pouted, she went on, "And I thought it was hot. Like, not the butt part exactly? But fingering you…" She could feel her cheeks heating up from having to put it into words.

"Yeah. I mean, I get that. Just because it's… where it is, doesn't mean you didn't fuck me right."

"EBI-CHAN!" she hissed in a scandalised tone.

"What? You did. I mean, now that we're being honest…" Ai still had to clear her throat, even if she was doing a better job of keeping an even tone of voice. "Your finger started hitting really deep — hit my spot, and it was all over. I've never, ever felt like that before. It was like my fingers and toes and nose and tits were all orgasming with me."

Rise had been gaping at her until the very end, when she let out a weak little laugh. "Nose and toes, huh? Wow. But I'm really happy I could help; I just wanted to make you feel good, and find out if that was one way we could do that."

"Definitely. Like, now that I'm past trying to pretend I don't need it." Ai squirmed a little. "Uhh…"

She sat up a little more, petting through her hair. And she leaned into the touch. Had she ever done that before? "Do you want me to do it again? Not right now!" she reassured her, and Ai relaxed a little. "But just, um, just in the future."

"I think so. Is that weird? You're my girlfriend, you shouldn't have to fuck me in the ass like a dude."

"Mm. Well, then I'll fuck you in the ass like a lady."

Ai giggled a little, crawling up to curl around her body. "I don't know exactly what that means, but I'm there. I'll offer you the same anytime you want."

"Oh, I think I'll be okay," she laughed easily. "I've never had any interest in that. Before! Before now. Wait — no, I still don't have any interest in having mine… d-do we really have to keep discussing this?"

"No," Ai told her with a slight smirk as she leaned in to kiss her cheek so tenderly that Rise briefly forgot that she was even nervous about the topic of conversation. "We could go back to talking about that phone call."

A brief pause. "So about my butt…"

"Come on, it can't have been that bad," she challenged her with a little snort. "You're just gonna keep being your fabulous self, and so will I, and Japan will join the fucking twenty-first century."

"Yeah, I just… talking about it… I'd rather focus on you, on us. On Okinawa! This is one of our last little flings — especially for you, senpai."

Clearly, that hint wasn't lost on her. She sighed and cuddled a little closer. "You're right. We should enjoy it while we can."

"Mmm, it feels like somebody already is."

"That's- it's an involuntary reaction! I was literally staring down the barrel of your pussy two seconds ago — anybody with one of these would have theirs sticking straight up, too!"

Voice the tiniest bit haughty, she said, "Well. I'm not going to assume anything, okay? I know you don't want me to… give you a little kiss down there… or caress with my fingers… or-"

"What a goddamn tease," she muttered.

"You love it." When Ai didn't answer, she grinned and pressed a soft kiss to her lips, pulling her in yet closer. They didn't really need any words anymore. As hard as it was to ignore that firm presence, given how unfamiliar Rise was with such things, she just tried to keep her focus on those sweet lips pressing against her own, on the warm back beneath her palms. On the woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

That realisation bowled her over. Even though they had been trending in that direction, she had yet to truly think about their future together. Sure, they would have to list Ai as male in order to get a marriage certificate… or would they? Maybe they really shouldn't worry about it. Not being able to enjoy the same status as her straight friends would be frustrating, yes, but it wasn't the end of the world. As long as she could live with her lover and share their lives, that was good enough.

By the time they finally parted, Ai managed to breathe, "I want you so bad…"

Careful to keep her tone neutral, she whispered, "How?"

"Any way I can have you. I… shit, what the hell did you turn me into?"

"Then I'm all yours. You can… have my mouth again, if that's what you like. Or did you wanna go, um… go all the way?"

"I don't know!" she groused as she pulled at her hair. Not that this minor crisis was reducing her arousal any; it was still grinding into Rise's hip and driving her up a wall. "UGH! I want to be as close to you as I can, and that seems like the way, but I also don't want to be the 'boy', you know?"

Drawing her in for another brief kiss, she whispered, "You won't be. Not to me; you'll always just be Ai. My cute little Ebi-chan. I… do you want me to use my finger on you again? I'd love to! I wanna do anything that makes you happy!"

"I… kind of? But no, not right now. I want to make you happy this time."

"Oh." Rise felt another flush of shame, trying not to remember the very obvious fact that she didn't have a stitch of clothing on her person. "Well, um… I want what you want." Did she just give her permission?!

"Good. Then let me try, um… with my mouth. I'll probably suck, but hey, no time like the present to start practicing. Especially if I ever want to be able to do this right."

"Sure! Yeah, that's… that's the same thing I was thinking while doing it for you." With a slight squirm, she then lowered her voice to barely a whisper, "I'm just… I'm sorry if it tastes, or smells… you know…"

Ai lifted a hand to waft away such thoughts. "You'll be fine. It's you. I mean, even if you weren't the sweetest girl in the universe, you're still Risette; that label of yours wouldn't let you have some stanky puss."

Bright red. Like a stoplight. Even though Ai was saying hers wouldn't be so aromatic, the very idea of it meriting a word such as "stanky" made her want to take a bath with a toaster. "U-uhm… thanks?"

"Anytime, girl."

And that seemed to be all the warning she got before Ai was kissing her way down her chest toward a clear goal. This was it; she was finally going to get as good as she gave. Unless she thought of some legitimate reason to ask the teen queen to pull back… but her mind was a blank. All she could think about was those perfect lips dimpling the skin of her abdomen, the lusty gaze being shot up in her direction as she moved lower, and lower…

Lowest. She felt a kiss in her hairs and she couldn't entirely suppress an anxious squeak. Her eyes slid closed as one leg moved up to drape over her girlfriend's back, hoping that would somehow encourage her — prove that she was ready. Even if she wasn't.

"This alright?"

Oh no. Ai was calling her bluff; it was glaringly obvious how high her nerves were running. "Y-yeah… it's just really, um, new?"

"I get that."

Then Ai moved again, and Rise almost curled into a ball. "WOW! That's- you kissed my…"

There was a slight sheen on Ai's smirk when she raised up to look at her properly. "You are soaking fucking wet, Kujikawa. How bad have you been needing it?"

"I haven't been! Honestly, I'm- NNH, how are you doing this?!"

"Pretty easy," she shot back before leaving a long lick along the entirety of her vulnerable flesh. Rise reached down instinctively to grip the hair attached to that head that was giving her so much pleasure it was overloading her system. Did everybody experience this? Was she oversensitive, or was it normal to feel like every inch of her skin was on fire, like she was losing all control?

"God, this is getting me so hard," Ai breathed before diving back in. Which didn't help matters in the slightest; Rise already felt like she was losing her mind, and knowing her girlfriend was nearly as bad off only heightened her pleasure, making her want to roll over and rut on her face. Or…

Or go further. Ai wasn't ready, and she would respect that, but if just her lips and tongue were making her feel this phenomenal, what would it be like for them to really go for it? Uniting their bodies had to be just as good as taking care of each other in turn, if not better.

"NH!" she finally burst out when she felt the pleasure rising. "I'm… I'm about to- it's gonna happen!"

"Yeah?" Ai panted as she used her thumb to caress that tortured flesh, gazing up at her with glazed eyes. "That mean… should I finish you off?"

The volume at which the word "YES!" ripped from her throat left their ears ringing. Rise would feel embarrassed about that — later. When she had time. Right now, she was too busy literally dragging Ai's head back down to devour her anew, moaning as her hips rolled up into their point of union. A little more — and the way her tongue was hitting her clit was spurring her on faster, making it-

Ai brought her to the hardest climax she had ever experienced. Feeling this one made her realise she had been only getting close to a real orgasm all those years since she first began to awaken sexually; a real orgasm blew those pretenders to the throne out of the water so easily. Guess that was what she got for never truly masturbating, or finding anybody who could take care of it for her.

Once the most intense of those sensations began to fade, Rise started coming back to her senses. A few things surprised her: she felt the tatami suddenly pressing into her back, because she had lifted herself upward. Ai's shirt moved when she started pulling her leg back, because her toes had clenched so hard in the fabric. The same was true of her hair — which she let go of first, feeling a few strands come away with her fingers with a little flare of guilt that she hadn't been gentler. Her mind had literally gone somewhere else while the ecstasy overwhelmed. It was almost scary, but mostly just… damn.

"Whoa," Ai breathed simply. The whole experience had left both of them speechless. After swallowing and clearing her throat, she licked her lips before wiping them on the back of her hand and crawling up to hover above her girlfriend. "You okay?"

"Hmnah!" was the best she could do. Ai giggled, so she tried to do better this time. "Yeah!"

Grinning, she pressed her face into Rise's neck. "Yeah. I can handle that review, I guess. Still wanna know if I did anything stupid, though; like, this was my first attempt, I can't have been perfect."

"Oh… you… close to… heaven." She hadn't meant to say 'heaven', it just slipped out.

"Really? Well… good, that's good." Ai was kissing her neck a little more firmly, more frequently. It suddenly occurred to Rise that she could feel that bulge digging into her hip; poor Ai hadn't gotten off since that morning, even if she did get there twice.

"You… want help?"

"Huh? Oh, naw, I can ignore it. Don't even trip."

"But you… I wanna… I like your friend." She took a couple of breaths, finally beginning to fully recover. "What can I call her?"

"Annoying," she snorted, and Rise rolled her eyes while she grinned into her hair. "Bitch that won't leave the party."

Nodding, she kissed into her scalp and earned herself a little sigh of appreciation in return. "I like her. That doesn't mean you have to, or like… that you have to keep her or like her for my sake. But just so you know, we get along pretty well. I mean, for a girl and an, um, appendage."

"Dork. But thanks. And it makes me mad that we have to have this conversation… but I appreciate that you get it. That you can really, uh, want my D without forgetting that I don't want it at all."

"Yeah, of course. I might have been dumb when we first started out but I learn fast."

"You do," she agreed with a little squeeze. Rise wrapped her arms more tightly around her girlfriend, appreciating their warmth, their connection. "It's honestly refreshing. Like, I got so much hate when I came out… even from my own family. I had started to believe it was impossible to expect people to get me. Then here comes this prissy famous bitch."

Rise smacked her on the arm, which only earned a harsh chuckle. "Who's the bitch here, really?" But then she moved her hand down to her bulge. "Let me take care of this. Like, it doesn't have to be anything special, or… not unless you want more."

"Mmhh… annoying." But Ai looked away, biting her lower lip. Again, Rise questioned why she found watching that to be so hot but she tried to relegate that question to the back of her mind for the time being.

"What is it?"

"Your mouth is so good… fuck, I'm sorry. Like, that's a lot to ask, twice in one d-"

"You got it." When Ai just blinked at her, she shrugged bashfully. "I'd do that. I'd use my finger again, I'll give you whatever you want. As long as you're okay with me figuring out how to do it as I go, I don't mind! It's nice that we can help each other out."

Though it took her a second, she started to nod with a slight smile. "It is really nice. Weird, but like, I guess it's not since we're dating."

"Yeah," Rise giggled. "We're just not used to dating, right?"

"Mm. You're sure I didn't mess up while muff diving?"

"While WHAT?! Excuse me? You can't call it that!"

Smirking a little as she sat up and started to disrobe, she purred, "I can call it whatever I want, Risette. Now perform for me. Maybe I'll just jerk off onto your butt."

"NO! Ew, why would you do that when I- that's gonna be all sticky, we'd have to take another bath!"

"So what? The last one turned out to be a real event…"

"Yeah, for you! And you were definitely writhing and squealing all over the place!"

"Y-yeah, well, that was your fault!" she shot back as that ready-and-willing cock bounced out into the open air. "Maybe I'll take you up on your mouth just so you can't say mean things to me."

Rise pursed her lips for a moment before saying, "Maybe I won't be as careful with my teeth this time."

"Hey, don't joke like that," Ai said with a shiver. "I might not want to keep her but that is NOT how I wanna lose her."

"Then behave," she purred as she crawled toward her lap, rubbing her cheek against the warm length. "And I'll behave exactly the way you want."

Ai complied. She complied for the following ten minutes, and got exactly what the doctor ordered — because the alluring Nurse Rise was tending her every need. Five star service.

                                               To Be Continued…

#We'll Face Ourselves #Saphir de Lune #forkanna writes #persona 4 fanfiction #p4 fanfic #rise x ai #jess the writer

[thoughtsofanexcitedspacechild]

25 more things I learned during a global pandemic from your Local Teenage Train wreck :) (Pt. 2)

1. Gaining weight is okay. Losing weight is okay. Bodies fluctuate and are inconsistent. Just make sure that you’re trying your best to be healthy, whatever that means for you. 

2. School is hard, especially during a global. freaking. pandemic. Don’t beat yourself up if it’s harder to get up in the morning or your grades aren’t as high as they usually are. It’s hard right now. 

3. You’re mental health comes above all. School, responsibilities, and personal projects are not worth your time if it’s affecting your mental health. If your gut is telling you to take a break, take a break!

4. If you feel lonely, get a plant to keep in your room. Do some research as to that plants do best with the type of lighting in your room, and figure out some basic care instructions. Have someone to take care of besides yourself. Name your plants, and take care of them. 

5. Even if you’re not good at writing, I suggest you keep a journal during this time. It kept me sane over the summer, and even though I eventually stopped because of limited time with school starting back up, it helped to keep me sane in the worst of the pandemic. 

6. If you’re spiritual (or even if you’re not) learn how to do shadow work. This isn’t anything that has to be spiritual or done in just one religion. It’s basically giving yourself a chance and a space to be open and honest with yourself and to learn what you might need to work on through writing. If you google it, you can find a more in depth explanation, and prompts to start doing it. You basically give yourself a prompt. They can be questions like “What’s the biggest lie you’ve told someone else or yourself?” or they can be a little less heavy like “What are five non physical things that you genuinely like about yourself?”. This can be pretty heavy, and can dig up some unwanted emotions, but that’s the whole point; to deal with the emotions you may have been repressing and letting fester inside of you. 

7. On days when you’re not feeling well mentally, take a break. It’s okay to drop everything and get an extra hour of sleep, read, or do something else to make yourself feel better.

8. After hard days, I know the last thing you want to do is get up and continue on, but here are some ways to do it:

- lay out an outfit that’s put together, but not as over the top. No sweat pants or crappy clothes, but it doesn’t have to be your usual put together outfits with a full face of makeup. A nice crewneck and a nice pair of black athletic leggings can go a long way. 

-wear your comfort jewelry. I wear my beaded necklace that I bought for myself,  the silver ring my grandma gave me and the gold cross ring that my mom gave to me when I got confirmed. 

-eat breakfast. A handful of cereal will do. Anything. But eat something. I like to make oatmeal. It sounds boring but if you make it right, it tastes just perfect for mornings when you don’t feel hungry but know inside that you are. Recipe is next on the list :)

-go to school. I know you want to lay in bed. I know the last place you want to be is a crowded building full of pubescent teens that aren’t nice, but go. Go to learn. Go to absorb knowledge like a sponge, and don’t worry if you fail and lose some of the water, because you can always soak it up later. 

-if you have practice, rehearsal, a game, whatever, be gentle on yourself. Today might not be your best day physically, because the brain controls everything. Forgive yourself if you can’t land that double pirouette, get to the high note, or make that assist. You’re abilities are stagnant, and they’re going to change depending on how you feel

-When you get home, turn off your phone. Friends, social media, etc. can wait. Set a timer for one hour. Do work for just that hour. When the timer rings, finish what you were doing and then stop. Now have a 20 minute break and do something that’s not screen related. Read a book, draw something; heck, stare at the wall for 20 minutes and space out. When the timer rings, do another hour and repeat the same process until it’s all done. 

-have a playlist you listen to to heal you. Sad boi hours are ok, just make sure to have a playlist of songs that get you moving again. 

-Sleep. Even if that means putting off work for tomorrow. It’s ok. You really need it. 

9. Oatmeal seems gross until you know how to prepare it. When you do, it’s revolutionary. It’s a high volume, low calorie food, so you’ll stay full for a while without overeating, all while consuming less calories than you would with a traditional breakfast cereal. 

The right way to make it: 

-measure out half a cup of old fashioned oats. Not steel cut. Those aren’t as good. 

-MOST IMPORTANT STEP: add half a cup of water and half a cup of milk of your choice. I personally like almond milk because it’s kind of sweet already even when it’s unsweetened. 

-SECOND MOST IMPORTANT STEP: add a pinch of salt, a sprinkle of cinnamon, and allspice, and a teaspoon or two of maple syrup. This is what makes it taste palatable. It’s less sugar than store-bought, and tastes amazing. 

-Microwave that shit for one minute and stir. It should look kind of lumpy, but not a ton. Then, put another minute on. Stir at every half increment. (After 30 seconds, every 15 seconds, and then every 7) This is so it doesn’t boil over. Then, take it out, stir it one last time, and let it sit for a second. 

-Wash up some berries to put in it. I love blueberries and or blackberries. 

perfect oatmeal every. single. time. Feel free to add more toppings like nuts or if you wanna treat yourself chocolate or substitute the spices, but this is honestly one of my favorite breakfasts that keeps me full throughout the day. 

10. Learn a new language. Yes, Duolingo is annoying, but do it. Find one that you’ll like to learn and that’s easy for you. Try them on like old clothes and find one that fits just right. For me, it’s French. Expose yourself to that language. Listen to music, read books (or try to) and watch movies with subtitles. Soon enough, you’ll be eager to learn more. 

11. Learn how to use notion.com. It’s super amazing. You can literally keep track of your entire life there. It’s pretty fun to use as well. I made schedules for each day after school, a reading log, a want to read list, a personal habit tracker, etc, and they’re all extremely helpful. 

12. Make a list of things you weren’t allowed to do as a kid and do one every day. Heal your inner child by finally itching the spot that may not have been scratched for years. 

13. Learn how to make origami stars. They’re really easy, and I can’t recommend Maqaroon’s (Joanna’s) video on how to make them enough. Once you’ve got it down, get yourself a nice big jar and write down things you’re grateful for on the slips of paper you’re going to fold. Fill up your gratitude jar and make a wish once it’s full. It will come true. 

14. Have 30 minutes a day to put your phone down and read. Yes. You will have to sacrifice something to do this, but it’s so important and good for not only information retention and learning, but for mental health as well. Even if you have to get up half an hour earlier to do it, it’s worth it. 

15. It’s okay to be alone, but learn to recognize the difference between alone and lonely. If you’re lonely, here are some things to do:

-write a letter to a friend. It’s something nice you can do for yourself and others, and it’s not feeding into the toxic instant reply culture that we live in

-read a book or watch a show that gets you to connect with the characters, even if that means (I've said it before and I’ll say it again) rereading a favorite ya series or binging atla for the fiftieth time. It’s good for the soul.

-take a walk and smile at the people you see coming past. Again, it’s good for the soul. 

-go to the coffee shop and ask the barista to make you a drink that tastes like “_____” (insert whatever you want there. It could be a color, song, feeling, etc.) It’s weird and uncomfortable, but it gives you a conversation starter and 9.9 times out of 10 a really good drink. (Also helpful for when you think the barrista’s cute)

-Reading in general. It opens up so many new worlds with the turn of a page. 

16. Monitor your food intake. No, don’t restrict your food intake, monitor it. This means first seeing exactly what your putting in your body and altering it to gradually improve to a clean diet. Humans weren’t built to process all the preservatives, additives and sugars found in most processed food (cereals, chips, anything in a foil bag that’s either really sweet or really salty) and it’s important to cut down and if possible eliminate as much as you can of it out of your diet. Food is fuel, and you truly are what you eat. You’ll notice that by increasing your vegetable intake, reducing white processed sugars and carbs*, and cutting out sodas/extra sugars, that you’ll feel better. This isn’t a weight loss thing, but you may start to trim down a little bit once you go more intense with it. You don’t have to eliminate anything fully, and please enjoy your favorite “bad” foods! Everything in moderation is perfect! Just make sure that you’re getting the good stuff in there too! *Side note, do NOT cut out carbs! See my post on how I’m losing weight to get more into depth on this. 

17. Buy fresh flowers for yourself. Who says that you have to wait for someone else? That’s completely false, and you should totally treat yourself to a nice bouquet on occasion, especially in the dead of winter. 

18. The whole idea of self love is flawed. Loving yourself has nothing to do with the way you look. Loving yourself comes with genuinely loving your life. If you don't love the way you’re living, change it. Make and set goals. Fail at achieving those goals. Get back up and try again until you finally get it, but make sure that whatever you’re doing, you’re doing to love the life you live. Life doesn’t live you. You live life.

19. Have candles and incense. (Or a diffuser if you’re not allowed to burn stuff) Making your environment smell good makes a huge difference

20. Once you turn 18, get a tattoo. It doesn’t have to mean anything. Pick something small and get it behind your ear, on your ankle, wrist, fingers, whatever. You’ll love having the memory when your old. 

21. Realize your worth. We often put ourselves down because we think that valuing ourselves is equivalent to selfishness. It’s not. At all. You are just as important as everyone else. Your voice matters too. 

22. Go to art museums

23. Go to free concerts in the park

24. Expose yourself to new art, ideas, and literature

25. Life is gonna suck sometimes. It’s just how it is. That doesn’t mean a bad day’s gonna last forever. As cheesy as it is, keep your head up :)

[imagineitbetter]

CTEC502 – Week 6 Reflection

Intro to Creative Technologies

How is my creative practice changing?

I just keep reminder myself, the brain never stops, you can feed it with more information, another chapter, another podcast, another documentary...

I’m more conscious of what I choose to invest my time on, I’ve changed music for podcasts on technology, science, design, I recognise the ones I enjoy the most relate to the mind and social behaviours, I’m giving Drag Race a break and instead watching more documentaries, I’ve promised Kvothe from The wise man’s fear and Sapiens from Yuval Noah I would come back soon, to finish their books, right now I’m engaged with Creative Technologies for Multidisciplinary Application.

Finally I picked up my PC’s pen and played with it.

How am I experiencing the difference between having an idea in my mind vs growing an idea in the world?

Recently I’ve been giving a better use to features that I normally would never use but are very helpful, like using the browser bookmarks to store and organised information I find useful or want to come back to, I’ve started to use my phone’s notes app to write down ideas, projects, issues that come up to my mind, for future projects and not just leaving it all on my head.

An experience I want to highlight was making my vlog video through animatron, although I wanted to do so much more but my knowledge was limited, it helped me imagine myself creating something better and fun in the future. I’m such a big fan of animated series meaningful and innovative like Big Mouth. Maybe they’ll hire me one day...

I’m developing more nuanced views on…

The meaning Technology, uses, influence, and responsibilities with it. It’s a broad understanding to grasp, but I think we must think harder on our actions around it, for example with social media, what do we want to really achieve with it, what is the purposes of having a social profile, what information do we want to share and how does it benefit in any way, how can we avoid young generation’s potential go to waste and instead optimised it. Another example is with my professional life, the opportunities that Technology offers me to fill me with knowledge and use it for good purposes, to not fall into the technological determinism trap and instead be the future shaper.

These are some things I learned this week:

Technological Determinism refers to the idea that technology dictates the future of society and not homo sapiens, however it can be argued that technology is just a human tool like any other and therefore is our responsibility to use it for our benefit and to shape our own future, but to do so it requires our collaborative work and understanding of the challenges daily presented.

APA referencing, was more of a refresher.

A strategy for problem framing, which is ask and answer the what, why, who, where and when of your project.

Bees are important pollinator insects and honey producers that also help maintaining the balance on our ecosystem and the richness of our nature (flowers, trees), fruits and vegetables.

An example of professional practice that I find interesting.

RainbowYOUTH a charitable organisation that seeks out the wellbeing, provides education, support, information, and advocacy for the LGBTIQ+ community in New Zealand.

RainbowYOUTH offer a range of support and information services for the LGBTIQ+ community as well as allies, for example offer gender and sexuality support, homelessness support, online support, awareness and support events, has multiple resources like  InsideOut  a free video-based teaching resource that aims to reduce homophobia, transphobia and bullying focusing in educating kids and young people in school years 7-13, although can also be used to educate adults.

I find rainbowYouth’s mission and work very important for New Zealand and an exemplar worldwide, I consider education, inclusiveness, diversity and offering a save environment for our youth and people in general fundamental for the development of our society, in our present and future; our technology is rapidly improving and so should be our thinking.

I can now see the ethical issues behind.

Social Media, has become a great tool to communicate with people, a message, promote businesses, provide information, give an understanding of the different cultures and behaviours in the world, it connect us, however it is also increasing the influence power over society in different ambits, political, social, behavioural and ethical. Unfortunately, with the among of information being streamed right now is making it almost impossible to be able to filter and identify it as truth, false, useful, good or bad influential; everyone’s opinions and interests differ, making it hard to control what the young, uneducated, naïve people, really anyone is receiving and doing with it.

Among many issues, a simple like, or watch can make you an accomplice of promoting a wrong message or supporting an influencer with unreliable or absolutely bullshit information, something you cannot take back easily.

Ethical Issues Surrounding Social Networking Sites - 922 Words | Research Paper Example (ivypanda.com)

#CTEC502

[launenji]

Center of Your Universe - A KNJ Fanfic | Prologue

Pairing: idol!Kim Namjoon x idol!Reader Status: Ongoing Word Count: 3031 Genre: Rivals2Lovers. Fluff. Eventual implied smut and angst. Slow burn. idol!AU Summary: It’s 2019 and Kim Namjoon is conquering the globe with his Bangtan brothers by his side. However, BTS can’t seem to shake their top girl group rival from chasing their names across music charts and award nominations worldwide. Now, the boys have no problem with that in any way; in fact they’ve come to respect the girls of HELIOS and their never ending climb to fame that seemed to match their own success. The only real “problem” Namjoon sees is that HELIOS’ confident, fearless, and overall badass of a leader seems to absolutely hate him. And as much as he doesn’t want to admit it, it does keep him awake at night. A/N: Hello! After a year of diving into BTS and reading fanfics about the boys, I wanted to write my own with the beloved Rivals2Lovers trope, because who doesn’t love that good shit? So this is my first official fanfiction, this will be ongoing although I’m not sure how many parts I’ll be producing, but I have the entire story line written out! I also am fairly new to how kpop fanfics are generally published on tumblr, but I’ll do my best. I hope you enjoy this story as much as I have creating it! Prologue | Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3

Prologue: Definitely a (fan)Boy with Luv

March 2019 There was an unspoken rule that came about RM of BTS’ personal life, and that was to live as Kim Namjoon as soon as he steps foot in his hometown of Ilsan. RM existed while he was at work in Seoul; busy with performance schedules, writing lyrics, producing beats, recording content, and basically leading the biggest boy band of the generation to great heights of fame and success. That’s who Kim Namjoon is on a near daily basis. So when Namjoon can find the time to take a few days off and head back to his childhood home for some much needed rest, he’s only Namjoon; a regular twenty five year old guy who loves long walks among nature and grabbing drinks with old friends. And right now he was Namjoon; a regular twenty five year old guy at his parent’s home, dressed in a tank top and sweats, head bopping to his latest musical discovery on Spotify as he pours an entire bag of chips in a bowl for a mid afternoon snack in preparation for some much needed catching up on his netflix shows. Pausing the song on his phone and housing his earbuds in their case, he shimmies over to the couch with his bowl of chips in a small celebratory dance for these rare days where he can go home and actually relax. No pressing schedules to attend, no pulling out his hair to create the right lyrics for their next song, no band/roommates screaming and chasing each other around their shared Hannam apartment after yet another failed prank attempt; just him alone in the house ready to kick back and finally relax.

Armed with his snacks, drink, and the tv remote, he makes himself comfortable on the couch and finally finds that one show he’s been dying to catch up on. However, just as he’s about to press play, the front door swings open with a loud bang. “PUT. THE REMOTE. DOWN.” 

A shrill voice echoes through the family apartment as the newcomer rushes in, hastily chucking her bag and keys on the counter before skidding to a stop between Namjoon and his only source of rest and relaxation for the night. Kim Kyungmin, loving younger sister to BTS’ beloved leader, stands before him with arms folded and with an unyielding glare. “Just because you’re home for the weekend doesn’t mean you can hog the tv the whole time you’re here, hand it over.” She extends out her palm, fingers flexing for the remote. Namjoon groans. “Minnie, I was LITERALLY about to watch my show, can’t you just record what you want to watch and watch it later? Y’know, when I’m usually not here?” Namjoon scoots to the other end of the couch in an attempt to continue on with his planned afternoon of relaxation. However Kyungmin manages to lunge for the remote and swipe it away at the last second, holding it above her head much to her older brother’s annoyance. “Not when you’re watching something you can literally watch anywhere else.” She shifts her pointed glare at his phone then at him before plopping down in his original spot on the couch, quickly switching through the channels to find the show she’s desperately looking for. “That doesn’t solve my solution to you recording your show and watching it later.” Namjoon points out, shoving a chip in his mouth as he watches his sister reach her designated channel. It’s a Knowing Bros episode that seemed to have just started. “If I do that then I can’t react to the episode in real time with Miyoung.” Kyungmin states matter of factly, thumbs flying across her phone as she texts her friend in question. Feeling defeated, Namjoon gives up his quest for his solo Netflix and Chill night he originally planned and settles to watch along with his sister. At least it was a show he actually did enjoy, especially when he was able to be on it with his members at one point. He reminisces his time on the show as he watches as the cast banter over some new found popular trend, the guests of the episode haven’t seemed to arrive just yet. “So who’s on the show this time?” In an immediate response to Namjoon’s question, the classroom door on tv whips open revealing four of the most recognizable women in Kpop; Lee Yuna, Chung Sumi, Han Hyojin, and their leader, Y/N L/N “It’s HELIOS!” Kyungmin lets out a high pitched squeal that Namjoon cringes away from. HELIOS. Arguably the most famous idol girl group to come out of Kpop history to date and BTS’ current standing rivals in the game. Namjoon internally scoffs; okay, so maybe the term “rival” seemed a little too harsh for their relationship to the girls. Let it be clear that there was no beef between Kpop’s fastest rising boy and girl groups despite what the media may try to spin about them. Namjoon and the boys actually do respect the ladies of HELIOS to a high regard and honestly believe that they deserve every inch of recognition and success they’ve received over the years. If the boys of BTS can understand anything, it’s the struggle of trying to make it in such a competitive and demanding environment that is the world of Korean entertainment. Much like them, HELIOS came from humble beginnings; hailing from a small entertainment company established by one of the most respected music producers in the industry. Despite debuting a couple years after BTS, HELIOS grew to be a well known name among teens and young adults. Their unique take on the “girl crush” concept and their unconventional practices of flourishing naturally as an idol group captured the hearts of many, and soon became a trending topic alongside BTS. Namjoon saw many similarities between BTS and HELIOS in the way they’ve grown to their current point of success. Much like the boys, HELIOS liked to connect with their fans personally, most of their viewership grew from watching their growth as an idol group on social media. In fact, the girls each had their own social media accounts and were good at posting daily doses of their lives on and off stage whenever they could. Their fans felt like they could really relate to them on a personal level; recognizing that, at times, these four beloved idols were just girls following their dreams. Other times, their fans were often reduced to a squealing-to-near-tears mess, as currently exhibited by Kyungmin. Namjoon was surprised she hadn’t started frothing at the mouth at this point. “Ugh! I just love them sooooo much!” Kyungmin groaned, voicing out her text message before tossing her phone aside and giving her undivided attention to the tv. On screen, HELIOS stood at the doorway as the hosts of Knowing Bros gaped in awe at their presence. The three women stood strategically in formation with you front and center. Namjoon let out a quiet sigh through his nose. Now while BTS and HELIOS had no history of any animosity towards each other (actually the only interactions they’ve really had was congratulating each other on a job well done in between set switches), the only “problem” Namjoon could find was that you, HELIOS’ renowned leader, seem to hate his fucking guts. He has voiced his concerns plenty of times to his members, especially after passing you and the girls by during music shows. You had a tendency to give everyone but him the time of day, and Namjoon didn’t know why. “You’re probably looking too much into it, hyung,” He remembers Jungkook telling him after another failed attempt to talk to the fellow leader. “I mean, you never talk to her, so I don’t think she has a reason to hate you.” “He’s right,” Jimin pipes up from across the dressing room. “It could be the way she is, after all she always looks like she’s got a 1.5 meter pole stuck up her- Ow! What!? I was just kidding!” His remark was short lived with a swift smack to the back of the head and a warning glare from Hoseok. Though it was rude to say, Namjoon couldn’t deny that, to a certain extent, you did look a little uptight most of the time. 

Watching closely on screen, he studied your resting bitch face-like expression. Despite being dressed in a standard school uniform that admittedly made you look cute, you looked like you were ready to take names and kick some ass while poised in your signature power stance. One hand over a hip cocked to the side as your sharp gaze trailed over the Knowing Bros cast before walking in. Even your movements seemed powerful, as if they were carefully calculated with one foot strutting in front of the other in perfect sync with the sway of your hips, not that he was paying attention to that specific detail. His eyes quickly shifted over to your other members as they moved more naturally on to the set and waved their hi’s to the hosts. Everyone gave their applause as the girls took their place at the podium in front of the classroom. “Please introduce yourselves!” Clearing your throat, you throw on a smirk before making a creative introduction. “Hello, we are from the “Top Tier Global Rising Stars” High School.” The other girls share similar smiles as you before dropping into their standard greeting. “2, 3, Shine On! Hello, we are HELIOS!” The studio erupts in applause and awes of amazement welcoming the girls. Namjoon looked over to Kyungmin with her knees drawn to her chest and chin resting on top, staring intently at the tv. “What? No more weird orgasm sounds for your favorite girls?” That earned him a hard smack to the face. “Shh!” Well, this was his day off to relax. So as he slumped lower into the couch, Namjoon carried on watching the show alongside his sister. About 10 minutes into the show’s friendly banter, Namjoon realized that wasn’t much he knew about the ladies that made up HELIOS until now. For instance, he learned that Lee Yuna was actually the eldest of the group, being the same age as Yoongi. Their fans, appropriately named HALOS, dubbed her as one of the most beautiful women in Korea as she joked about her nickname “The Universal Beauty” to rival Seokjin’s title of “Worldwide Handsome.” 

He also learned that the second youngest, Chung Sumi, was actually a naturally talented rapper who freestyled over beats she found on Youtube and posted them on soundcloud during her highschool days, which prompted her to be the first signed trainee at their entertainment company. It reminded him slightly of his underground rapping days leading up to his own path to an idol.

He even learned that Han Hyojin, their own maknae, could basically do anything from singing to rapping to dancing, making her a deadly triple threat for her young age. She could definitely give Jimin, Taehyung, Hoseok, and Jungkook all a run for their money. But what intrigued him the most was your backstory, something that you never revealed until this point. “So Y/N, you’re not actually from Korea?” Kang Hodong inquires. You shake your head in affirmation. “But you speak Korean so well!” Seo Janghoon chimes in, “Where are you from?” “The States, California specifically.” You respond, prompting a stock sound of amazement over the broadcast. “Another idol from California!” “Speak English for us! Come on!” This causes you to scoff, shaking your head. “What would you want me to say?” “Introduce yourself in English!” Yuna urges you with a bright smile, a round of cheers in the room encourages the idea. Namjoon stared in awe as he watched you introduce yourself in your native tongue to the camera. You seemed more comfortable and natural talking in English and it captivated him in a weird sort of way. Both Kim siblings kept their attention on you as the cast prods on with questions about your personal life and Namjoon can’t help but feel much more admiration for you as an idol and leader who’s made it this far after hearing your story. You share to the cast that you were nothing short of ordinary growing up. You’ve lived a normal life with your hard working parents and siblings. You were an average student with no strong ambitions to pursue for the future. The only passion you did have growing up was dancing, and it brought you as far as signing with your company to become a trainee after graduating high school. Without anything else to lose, you eventually made your way to Korea in hopes to find a suitable career that included dancing, however being an idol was totally out of your range. “So you initially didn’t want to be an idol?” Kim Heechul asks earnestly, you give a small shrug. “I didn’t think I was really cut out for it.” You answer cooly, then turn to your members with a soft expression. “But training with my members made me realize that I could do it and make something out of it.” Your girls return the heartfelt smile, something only Namjoon could completely recognize as a genuine bond between members. It tugged at his heartstring seeing this; despite your cold demeanor, you actually do care immensely for the people around you, which he could heavily relate to. If Kim Namjoon wasn’t impressed by you before, he surely was now. However that still doesn’t change the fact you can’t seem to stand him whenever he’s around you. The show finally cuts to commercial, giving Kyungmin enough time to call her friend and squeal about the events of the show. “And she was a cheerleading captain during high school! Can she BE any cooler!?” Namjoon watched incredulously as his sister took her conversation to her room for a quick break. He remembered teasing her once, when his fame with BTS began to rise exponentially, to never ask him for autographs or connections to any idols she may find herself gushing over in the near future, because he swore he’d never do it. Kyungmin only scoffed at her older brother’s feigning arrogance. “Oh please, you’ll never catch me drooling over any idol group at your expense.” If only she could see herself in a few years giving into the HELIOS craze and buying every single piece of merch she could. The look on Namjoon’s face was unbelievable when he came home one day to find Kyungmin framing a huge poster of your face to put in her bedroom. Her piercing glare stopped her brother from prodding any further with her newest obsession. “Not one word.” And with that, she carried your framed face off to her bedroom where it hangs next to her doorway. Well at least she hasn’t asked for your autograph. Not that he could get it anyway, you would definitely reject him if he even so much as breathed in your general direction. Despite finding out his sister was a die hard HALO, he was proud that she at least had good role models to look up to. However, the idea of her number one bias being the very person that hated him wouldn’t stop bothering Namjoon. Would he ever figure out why you just flat out disliked him? Should he even care at all? Why should he? It’s not like you two were friends. Did he want to be friends with you? Namjoon is pulled out of his inner monologue by his sister walking back into the living room with her hand over her mouth and eyes wide at something currently on her phone. She honestly looked like she was ready to cry. He rolled his eyes at her, now that’s just being a little too dramatic. “Alright, what is it now?” 

Kyungmin wordlessly turned her phone towards her brother, revealing your personal twitter profile and your newest post. It was a new concept photo of you with the silhouettes of the rest of HELIOS behind you. Dressed in shades of burgundy and maroon, you held a finger to your red painted lips. The caption that goes with it is simple and vague, but gets its point across. “HALOS, you ready? One more time~ D-10”

Namjoon counts down the days quickly in his head, leading up to what seems to be your comeback date. Coincidentally, it’s the day after BTS’ planned announcement for their own comeback; Map Of The Soul: Persona. 

He sits back and bites the inside of his cheek, deep in thought. If HELIOS was releasing their new album the same time BTS is, then you will most likely be promoting on music shows within the next coming months too. That meant more chances to pass you by in the studios and more time to figure out what the hell was your problem with him. Was it weird that the thought alone made him a little excited for your comeback more than his? His eyes caught sight of the show that just returned on air, now with you on screen teaching the hosts the moves of your latest single. He felt his cheeks heat up just a bit as he witnessed you sway your hips to the beat of your song before forcibly ripping his gaze away to look out the window instead. Yeah, it was pretty weird, and he really needed to stop dwelling on you so much. But that night, he laid in his bed, unable to get you out of his mind. 

Even though he told himself to not get hung up over you, here he was under his covers at 3 AM scrolling through your Instagram, looking at every single selfie, candid shot, and freestyle dance video you’ve posted since your debut; still thinking about the fact that even though you intrigued him, you still didn’t like him. Eventually he scrolled back to your teaser photo he saw earlier that day, brows furrowing at your post before locking his phone out of frustration. Okay, he had to stop. At this rate he was going to turn into his sister, another  HALO sucked into the HELIOS craze. But was that really a bad thing?

#bts fic #bts rm #namjoon x reader #rm x reader #namjoon fluff #namjoon fanfic #rm fanfic #namjoon au #bts rm x reader

[selfharmer-problems]

I'm trying to get my financial aid back at college and filling out many paperwork that I need to turn in still (bc I just got off of academic suspension) made my anxiety skyrocket and I fell back into depression again (though I never really escaped from it), I recently relapsed after being clean for almost a year. I honestly dont know what to do now bc this is my fifth time relapsing and I'm incredibly stressed and scared that classes are coming up soon, idk what I'm gonna do once I go back

School was sooooooo hard for me and it took me a really long time to graduate because my mental health was getting in the way. I relapsed a lot through school.  which is okay. a few things that helped me with school were  1. take fewer classes. 12 credit hours is typically considered full time, I kept it at 9. it made it so that I wasn’t completely overwhelmed and I was able to put enough time in for all of my classes to do well.  2. keep a planner. when you get your syllabi from your professors immediately add everything to the planner. I also like to see when tests are going to be and put a reminder a week before so I know to study. For papers I would do a reminder for a month and another for a week.  3. keep a routine and have a work area. the last semester I had actual coursework I realized that I needed to not work in my apartment. I had a tendency to get distracted and get nothing done. So I started scheduling a time for me go to a local coffee shop and I would sit there for hours at a time doing homework. I also need to schedule my social media time. when I’m in school I try to keep it down to an hour a day.

4. keep in touch with your professors. even if you blew it. this is especially important for if you have a mental illness. Most of the professors I’ve had have been flexible when I’ve told them about extenuating circumstances or even times when my mental health has been really bad and made me totally blow and assignment.  Also, I think right now there is a lot of anxiety and anticipation for it. Especially coming off of academic probation and the feelings related to that. I think that once you get in the groove of it it will be much better. Not that school is easy, it will take effort and management, but right now you’re entering new situation, when the routine is going it will be easier to at least keep up.  You could also get in touch with the disability department to get reasonable accommodations for your classes which would allow extra time for assignments, more time with tests, or whatever things you think you need. I haven’t done this though, you would have to talk to them about the requirements.  If you do end up withdrawing from your classes due to health problems you could speak to someone at your school about a waiver if there is a fee, and you can get a refund.  Managing your mental health and preventing relapse is connected to reducing stress around school. it takes good time management and discipline to keep a routine and stay on top of everything. staying up to date on what needs to be done is super important. nothing is more stressful than the end of the semester and having everything due at once, but if you manage your time and stay on top of it you can finish stuff early and won’t want to die during finals.  You can absolutely do it. Take your time if you have to. Ask for help when you need it. You got this. - Adrienne  

#admin adrienne #school #self harm #relapse #Anonymous

[2021journal]

01/10/21

So I decided to start this tumblr as a sort of personal journal and almost like a time capsule for myself. I’m an over thinker who doesn’t open up really ever, not even to my closest friends or boyfriend. I’m not sure why I’m so closed off, but maybe writing out everything I’m feeling will help me reflect? Honestly I just have so much going on inside my head at all times that I hold in I just needed a place to write it all out. 

Today is January 10th 2021, a Sunday, and so far the year is not off to a great start. Donald Trump, the worst president to ever live, has just been banned off most major social media sites for inciting an insurrection which took place on January 6th. He organized a rally, and then proceeded to fire up all of his brainless supporters by telling them they needed to fight to take the election back. An election that was never stolen in the first place. Four people died. All of this taking place after the vote had already been recounted in some states and the recount still coming back the same as the original count. All of his attempts to prove fraud in this election have been shut down and yet there are still people out there that think he won. I honestly feel bad for them, imagine being so out of touch with reality, lol. 

Its actually really funny to me that I’m back on tumblr. I had an account during Tumblr’s peak 2012-2015. Tumblr was dark back then, I was your typical Doc Martian wearing, self-harming, cigarette smoking, black coffee drinking, depressed anorexic, obsessed with Effy from skins, like if you know, you know. I can’t believe I was only 14 then, during my peak obsession with Tumblr. I feel like I still have eating disorder tendencies but what girl doesn’t. 

Corona virus is still alive and well. It’s almost been a year since since the first lockdown which is so fucked. I went into quarantine at 20, I’m 21 right now, turning 22 soon. Wasted time. Wasted time that I’ll never get back. Wasted time that nobody in their early 20s will get back. It’s really sad actually. We have it bad but I also feel for the really old people out there. Last couple years of life stuck inside, not being able to see kids or grandkids in fear of getting sick. Makes me want to cry. What a life. While all this bs has been going on I’ve been in college, online, no reduced tuition, no school friends, doing work alone. Staring at a screen for 12+ hours day. It makes me angry. Even though I have no control over it and I know everyones going through the same thing, it still makes me angry. This is not how I pictured my life to be. While on the topic of how I picture my life, I had a thought the other day, its kind of sad and its that I feel like I’m getting to the point where I’m realizing that the life I thought I would have, or things I thought I would be able to do are becoming less and less of a possibility or realistic. Even when I was 17 there were things I thought I could totally do and would do like idk go to Coachella or something. And now that I’m turning 22 in quarantine things like that are becoming more and more unrealistic. Is that what growing up is? Realizing that not all of your dreams can come true?

Well thats enough for today

- S

#2021 #journal

[taeguboi]

🔀Shuffle Game🔀 Request 01

Hey! Could u do 🔀 6 with Namjoon please? Thank u in advance :)

🔀 Drop a number + BTS member(s) in my ask box 🔀

Request: 6 + Namjoon Song: EIGHT by IU & Suga Theme: Angst // Lockdown

Fiction Masterlist

On Hold, Hold On

On hold. Every little thing is on hold. Plans, life… even love to an extent. On hold from work, on hold on the phone, on hold with your plans to move in with your boyfriend. So there you sit, same shit, different day, feeling increasingly distanced from the world as you knew it.

You used to get so frustrated at how there was never enough time to stop and contemplate life, but now… it’s scary how unaccomplished you feel, how you’ve barely achieved any of those goals you had as a teenager… That was nice, that age where you could make memories and carefully plan new ones…

Reminiscing and ignoring the world outside had become your mindset over the past couple of months, particularly over the past week in which you had been ignoring phone calls and not responding much to texts. A certain sense of fear had overcome you in a roundabout way to communicate with your boyfriend. It hurts more and more with every day that you can’t see him, so your brain seems to have gone into some sort of shut down mode whenever he reaches out to you.

Everything was planned out so perfectly. You had finally bagged a job you were happy in and a partner with whom you could share your best and worst moments. This has become the ultimate test, trying to break you with every second that passes. You’ve resorted to reruns of old tv shows that you used to watch with childhood and school friends, reading back on old diary entries of your college years and watching back on your old social media uploads of getting drunk or going on holiday or just being nuts for the sake of it.

This distance from your boyfriend feels like it is lasting forever with no end in sight. Some days you wake up and can’t even remember what he feels like to hug, the scent you would breathe in when in his arms… His voice is only just about a solid memory in your head. You’ve never been more disheartened in your life. Nothing is happening. You feel… so empty.

Without wanting to admit it to yourself, this is the time you need him the most… But you find that everything you do lately is just a sad attempt to push him away… Why?

Namjoon: Morning my lovely :)

Your heart continues to sink at the morning greeting presented in text, not in person. With every text he sends you, the more you’re longing to be by his side and so the more you try to distract yourself every time just so that it might hurt less.

You: Morning :)

Closed answers are often your responses to him as of late; you’re afraid of the conversations about your life and plans and all the rest. It’s getting too depressing now. You wince at the conversations about available houses or flats because there’s no signal that your time apart will end and it feels like your efforts on saving money up are wasted. You feel your heart beat faster every time on a phone call, he wants to look back on a particular time you had together because you’re devastated that that still can’t be you right now, living in the moment, making memories.

Namjoon: How are you?

You: Okay I guess. You?

You wonder how long it will take for him to notice your decrease in enthusiasm for the relationship that you’ve become to fearful to think about. You want to snap out of it, knowing how ridiculous it must seem to feel so fragile and delicate about life. But you can’t. All you want to do when you’re texting him is go do something else. Not because you don’t love him but because it hurts to love someone you can’t see.

Namjoon: I’m alright too, thanks. Wanna call?

You let out an exasperated sigh whilst lounging around on the couch, knowing that you can’t avoid this forever; you had rejected his suggestions to have a phone call for the past few days armed with one excuse or another.

You: Sure

The minute you answer his call, you vividly memorise everything you know about him. You think about his favourite spot in his house and how he’s probably sitting there right now just to talk to you with the book he was probably reading discarded at his side to have his attention on your voice.

“Hey” you utter.

“Hey sweetheart… it’s been a few days” he nervously chuckles from the other end of the line. 

“Yeah, I suppose it has… Sorry about that” you reply.

Yesterday you told him how much of a nightmare it was to get the weekly shop in as you scrambled your cupboard which barely held anything in there. The day before that you told him you were going for a long walk to embrace the nature when after you had sent that message, you just sat at home all day. The day before that… well it all goes similarly really. Different excuse, same reason.

“How are you doing? I mean, really. You seem a bit off lately” he says, making you feel low. Like you had already expected, you knew at some point he was going to pick up on your behaviour change.

You struggle to find a proper response, just babbling nervously about how busy you’ve managed to make your life.

“Oh, well you know how it is. You look for something to do, can’t find anything, then several things come at once” you lie. “Like buses” you jest to make light of the conversation, still feeling the need to keep up appearances.

Namjoon chuckles at your flustered reply. 

“It’s okay to be feeling a little down, y/n. Talk to me” he tells you. Wow, he really does know you well, you think to yourself. As far as you’re concerned, you hadn’t let out one clear signal that something is up, yet he just knows.

You let out a sigh to prepare yourself as you feel a pent up storm coming on.

“I’m just fed up I guess”

“I miss you too hun”

Those words bring a stinging sensation to your eyes. You miss him too, but you’ve been having a hard time admitting that out loud. All you’ve felt like you can do it hide from it all until this all blows over. Time is very powerful though.

“I hate this so badly” you admit, bringing your forehead into your hand before brushing back your hair in frustration. “I just wanted so badly to start a life with you and have our own place and… It’s been so long; it’s starting to feel like a wasted effort, what, with both our jobs on hold and only reduced pay as an income and that might not even hold out as long as this…”

“I know things aren’t quite working out as we had hoped but… we’ll get there soon, yeah?” he tries to assure you, but you’re feeling so pessimistic that you can’t seem to accept this.

“But we aren’t there now, as we should have been!” you exclaim almost with a sob. “Right now, we would have already found our perfect first place together and have all the time for us we could ever wish for… I feel so lost. It’s kind of rocking my world.”

“It’s not ideal, I know but… let’s not dwell on the present yeah? Let’s try to remain positive and take every day as it comes…”

“It’s not quite feeling that easy right now” you huff. “I just want to go back to when things felt simpler, you know. Okay, I mean, they weren’t simple but… How do I explain? It’s like having a more complicated life with important things to focus on actually made life easier. It certainly made it easier to live with my mind. I’m going nuts here Joon”

“We’re all on the same boat my lovely” he continues, still trying to sway you another way with your mental state. “We have to make the best out of a tough situation; the past will never come back to us, so we have to play the hand we’ve been dealt, you know?”

A part of you knows your boyfriend is speaking perfect sense. Another part of you still can’t shirk this feeling off though of hopelessness and feeling like you’re living a life without purpose or ambition. He’s got such a brilliant mind and his way with words is so amazing that he doubles up as a therapist as well as the best boyfriend you’ve ever had… Even his words of logic are making you pine for him even more.

“I guess I wish I had a winning card up my sleeve to cheat this thing” you sigh, using Namjoon’s little card analogy.

“We all have to lose before we win” he bluntly responds, being correct again.

“Don’t you just wish you could be like younger right now though? I bet none of the kids around here are exactly complaining that they don’t have to get dressed in clothes they despise every day to listen to teacher that talk about things they aren’t interested in…”

“Maybe you should also consider though that those kids do enjoy certain aspects of it all though, such as seeing their friends and going to their after school clubs… Everyone has something to miss right now.”

Maybe you are dwelling too much, playing the martyr or something. Everybody is experiencing the same dilemmas right now. Everybody else has been stopped from seeing people they love. Everybody has had to put their plans and their worlds on hold too… You never stopped to consider that there are also many people who have it a lot worse than you do.

“Am I being selfish Joon?” you question following your little epiphany.

“Of course not, dear! Sure, there are people a lot more directly affected right now, but… you haven’t experienced those things so this is allowed to be a big deal to you because this is the worst you know or can imagine”

Strangely, you found yourself feeling… better? Some aspects are starting to be put into perspective for you. Not everything, but it’s something.

“I just don’t want to look back on my time being this age as someone who was only fatigued and fed up… I think that’s why I do the dwelling on the past thing” you admit, opening up some more.

“And that’s exactly why we need to make the most of it… How about we start by thinking of ways we could do the things we used to do together without actually being together in person?”

“You mean just video call each other whilst we eat? Isn’t that a bit weird?” you laugh.

“Okay, maybe not that…” he hums. “But you know, maybe we could occasionally share what we’re up to… Maybe you could take me around the park the next time you go?”

It’s actually not a bad idea. Every time you’ve been out for your daily walk, if you do even go on one, you have always missed that element of conversation or just someone else’s presence around. A couple of days back actually, you had seen some wonderful things because of the time of year and wouldn’t it actually be so much better if you had someone to share that with?

“Hey, don’t put yourself down because you didn’t get to do something you wanted to… Whether that’s our plans to live together or that you didn’t do the laundry today.”

“Wait, how did you know I haven’t done that yet?” you giggle.

“Just an example, love… wild coincidence” he chuckles back. 

“Try not to let it get you down when sometimes you build something up only for it to be broken down my love… Live in the here and now so that you can look back on these times almost as fondly as you look back on before”

Your smile extends from cheek to cheek. It might take some healing, but you can do this; you have Namjoon.

A/N: Sorry if I didn’t quite capture the essence of the song... in my defence, it’s only been out for like 2 days haha. Hope everyone is keeping well x

Fiction Masterlist

#bts #rm #namjoon #kim namjoon #bts fiction #rm fiction #namjoon fiction #bts fanfiction #rm fanfiction #namjoon fanfiction #bts angst #rm angst #namjoon angst #bts x you #rm x you #namjoon x you #bts x reader #rm x reader #namjoon x reader #bts imagines #rm imagines #namjoon imagines #bts scenarios #rm scenarios #namjoon scenarios

[tessisawriter]

Not Losing Me (Adrian Kempe)

Request (anonymous): Adrian Kempe #16 💜

A/N: I have no idea what the Kings’ social media people are like: I just made them that way to highlight the problem of sexism in the workplace. If you have ever experienced sexism or harassment, please know that it is not your fault and you have every right to report whoever did that to you. Lightly inspired by Gabrielle Aplin’s “Losing Me” (link here). 

Warnings: Two swear words, angst, sexism, mention of catcalling & harassment

Word Count: 1.8k

Another night, another loss.

You sighed as you turned off the post-game coverage, knowing that Adrian would be home any minute now. The Kings had not been doing well recently, and your boyfriend was in a perpetually sullen mood. You didn’t want to make him feel worse than he already did.

As soon as you put down the clicker, you heard the telltale signs of keys jingling outside the door, a string of curses, and finally, the lock turning. The door burst open, and Adrian came stomping inside. There was a wild look in his eyes that you had never seen in the seven years you knew him.

“I’m so fucking sick of losing!” Adrian exclaimed, throwing his hockey bag down on the ground.

Your heart hurt for him. You stood up, walked over to him, and wrapped your arms around him in a bone-crushing hug. You whispered in his ear, “I know, babe.”

Adrian’s body tensed and he pulled away from your embrace, but you still kept your arms around him. “No, you don’t, Y/N—all you do is study, and work, and study some more! You have no idea what I’m going through!”

“I’d beg to differ,” you responded, keeping your voice calm. “We do completely different things, sure, but frustration is central to both of our jobs. When I hand in a paper that I know is subpar, I feel like a loser.”

Adrian’s eyes darkened. “Are you actually trying to compare grad school to being a professional athlete?” The venom in his voice cut through you like a knife. “Come on, Y/N, get real! I not only have to play games five times a week, but I also have to stay in perfect physical shape and put the puck in the net! Grad school is child’s play.”

The last comment made you snap. The floodgates opened, and tears started streaming down your face. “Don’t you dare tell me that what I do is child’s play!” you screamed. “I know you’ve been down lately, so I’ve tried to be as understanding as possible, but you just crossed the line!”

“Really? You’re going to throw a temper tantrum now?” Adrian’s voice was dripping with snark.

You were overwhelmed by your emotions, but “That’s it, I’m done,” was all you said as you turned away and walked into the bedroom.

You went into the closet and grabbed a blanket. It was too late at night to fight like this, and you needed time to think. You plucked Adrian’s pillow off the bed before returning to the living room, putting them on the couch, and informing him: “I think it’s best if you sleep out here tonight.”

The possessed look in Adrian’s eyes vanished immediately, and remorse replaced it. “Y/N, baby, I shouldn’t have said that, I’m so…”

“No.” A suppressed sob made your voice sound choked. “You hurt me. You really hurt me, and I need some distance from you now, so please, just stay on the couch.” Your voice was reduced to a squeak by the time you finished.

Adrian’s green eyes looked suspiciously watery, but he just nodded and grabbed the blanket, unfolded it, and laid it out on the couch while you walked back into the bedroom and closed the door, locking it before you climbed into bed and shut off the light.

***************

You drifted in and out of sleep, never able to relax enough to rest. You hated nothing more than restless nights, so you eventually gave up on sleeping and sat up in your bed.

The clock read 4:15AM, and you groaned, running a hand over your face. Your heart ached when you looked at Adrian’s empty side of the bed. How could your loving boyfriend who had done nothing but support and lift you up throughout your five-year relationship belittle you like that? His statement stung, and it kept replaying in your head, confusing you the more you thought about it.

You didn’t feel any better physically. Your eyes hurt from crying yourself to sleep, your nose was all stuffed, and your throat was scratchy. More than anything, you wanted water, so you reached over to the bedside table for where you normally kept your water bottle, but your hand only made contact with air. “Shit,” you cursed quietly. You left your water bottle in the living room.

The last thing you wanted to do was go outside, especially because you didn’t want to wake Adrian if he had managed to fall asleep, but your throat screamed for water. You compromised on leaving your water bottle in the living room and getting another one from the kitchen.

You crept over to the bedroom door and tried to make as little noise as possible while you unlocked the door. You were successful, so you slowly turned the knob and opened the door halfway. You looked through the door and saw Adrian lying on his side on the couch, facing away from the bedroom. He appeared to be asleep. Sighing, you stepped through the doorframe and tiptoed to the kitchen, where you took out a new water bottle and filled it without making too much noise. When you walked back into the living room, though, Adrian was sitting up on the couch and facing the kitchen, clearly waiting for you to come out.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Adrian asked, his voice sedate but scratchy.

You shook your head.

“Me neither,” he said.

You just stood there, staring at him. Everyone said there were two responses to potential conflict, fight or flight, but you knew there was a third option: freeze.

“Y/N? Do you want to come and sit?” Adrian asked you for the second time. You snapped out of whatever trance you were in and gingerly walked over to the couch, sitting on the opposite end from Adrian.

The silence was killing you, so you brought the water bottle to your lips and took a sip. The cool water felt like heaven, so you drank the rest of the bottle before setting it down on the coffee table.

“Feel any better?” Adrian said.

“Yeah.” You tested your voice, and it sounded clearer.

“Good.”

The silence took over the room again, but you turned to Adrian and broke it: “Why did you say what you did? I mean…” You searched for the words. “You’ve never belittled me before, and while it hurt, what really bothers me is I don’t understand where it came from.”

“I didn’t mean it, Y/N. I was frustrated with myself, so I took it out on you, but I shouldn’t have.”

“I believe you,” you replied, “But that wasn’t the question. Where would you pick up such a notion? It was sexist, and you’ve never behaved that way before: quite the contrary, actually. You always treat girls as equal, and that was why I liked you in the first place.”

“I don’t know, it’s just…” Adrian ran his hands through his hair, which told you he was lying. He knew where it came from.

“Adrian,” you said, moving a little closer to him on the couch so that you weren’t so far away but also had enough distance between you, “It’s okay: you can tell me. I won’t judge or anything.”

Adrian sighed. “You know the new guys in social media?”

You nodded, your blood already boiling. The Kings had hired a new social media team this year, and there was only one female member. The rest were boys in their early to mid 20s who were known to hit on fans and occasionally, a player’s SO. Fortunately, they didn’t try that with you, but it happened to Tyler’s wife, Cat. They were pigs.

“They’re always talking shit about girls, and they were on me today, or I guess yesterday now, about you.”

“What about me?” You asked, despite dreading his answer.

“That they forget I have a girlfriend half the time because you don’t go to a ton of games,” he admitted.

You stiffened. “You know I want to go to your games, but I can’t control the fact that my classes are all at night.”

“I understand, Y/N, I really do, and I’m so proud of everything you’re doing at your PhD program. I don’t know what came over me.”

“I do,” you said. “Those assholes knew you’ve been upset over losing a lot lately, so they took advantage of it and spread their poison.” You closed the distance between you and Adrian on the couch and put your fingers under his chin so he would be forced to look you in the eye. “But you can’t let them do that anymore, okay?”

“I won’t, I promise,” Adrian said, and you knew from the earnestness in his eyes that he was telling the truth.

“Okay, then. I forgive you.”

Adrian’s eyes widened. “You do?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t really you talking earlier. But promise me one thing.”

“Anything.”

“Tell management to fire those jerks,” you said. “Did you know that a bunch of them hit on Cat last week and were catcalling her?”

Adrian’s jaw clenched. “No, I did not know that. No wonder she’s been acting strange whenever she comes to the facility. Tyler’s been really worried about it; I have to tell him…”

“No,” you said. “I’ll call Cat in the morning and convince her to tell Tyler herself. He needs to hear it from her, Adrian.”

“You’re right. God, I’m so sorry about all this,” Adrian said as he wrapped his arms around you and hugged you tight. You returned the gesture and rested your head in the crook of his neck.

“Don’t be sorry: we’re going to handle this together tomorrow,” you replied.

Adrian released you and stood up. “That’s right: we’re a team, and I won’t forget that again. Let’s go to bed, shall we?” He extended his hand, and you took it, letting him pull you up from the couch and into bed.

After you were settled in the bed with Adrian as the big spoon, he whispered into your hair, “I was so worried I was going to lose you.”

“Because of those jackasses?” You chuckled and turned around to face him. “You’re not losing me because of them.”

Adrian smiled and kissed you on the lips. You leaned into the kiss before pulling away.

“Let’s not lose any more sleep over them, okay?”

“Amen to that,” Adrian agreed, and you turned back over so that you could resume your original position. Both of you fell asleep within five minutes, happy that your fight was over.

#adrian kempe imagine #adrian kempe x reader #nhl imagine #hockey imagine #la kings imagine #los angeles kings imagine #la kings #los angeles kings #adrian kempe #nhl #imagine #nhl imagines #hockey imagines #nhl fanfiction #nhl fanfic #hockey fanfiction #hockey fanfic #nhl oneshot #nhl one-shot #nhl oneshots #nhl one shots #nhl one shot #nhl one-shots

[justanandroid]

Rules: Tag other blogs you want to learn more about.

Thank you, @queondamicronda for tagging me! You're awesome ^^

Name: Alexander

Nickname: Alex

Starsign: Cancer

Gender: male

Height: 1.63 m yes, haha, laugh at me, I'm so fucking small, it's not my fault ok?! It's damn genetics.

Sexual Orientation: asexual spectrum, biromantic.

Favorite Color: a mid-darkish blue

Current time: 22:47 (I saved this one for last)

Current location: America :)

Average hours of sleep: Usually 4-7. In free weekends (which are rare) 9.

Lucky number: No number has given me special luck, but I like number 4.

Last thing I googled: "Immigration in the US" for a school work.

Number of blankets I sleep with: 2 + a somewhat thick bed sheet, it's winter.

Favorite fictional characters: Connor, Hank, Sherlock Holmes and Watson (I like the BBC version), Bucky Barnes, Black Panther/T'Challa (RIP Chadwick, our king 😢).

Favorite bands/artists: Glass Animals, Siamés, E ve, Cavetown.

Dream Job: Something related to design/arts, I like animation or architectural digital design and modeling.

Random fact: I speak little as it consumes my energy, I have to kinda force my voice out idk why, that's why I like texting.

Drawing for myself helps me to calm down and reduce stress and preocupations, but maybe I'll post something soon.

Bonus random fact: I'm an animal fun facts machine.

Do you have any other blogs? No.

When did your blog reach it's peak? I'm recent here, I'm surprised I've been noticed, thank you guys!

What made you decide to get Tumblr: I didn't have any social media and I saw that artists I liked were on Tumblr, also, the dbh fandom was alive here, so I got it, at first I wanted to create an account just to see their posts but then I started to repost art that I liked, I've found a bunch of amazing people and new artists who have inspired me! Though I think I'll maybe get Twitter because there are more artists on Twitter. I may post some own art when I get a chance.

Do you get asks on a daily basis? No :( I would love to talk with you all, please send me messages or asks.

Why did you choose your URL? My Gmail account is JustAWeirdGuy, and my name in Among Us is JustADude, I got Tumblr during my dbh hype and I got in here because of it too so I put JustAnAndroid as my URL, Tumblr changed it to all minuscule.

Tagging: @fanndamnedibals, @maincharactersumo, @aurora-nerin, @pinkwebby.

#chain #personal

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

How to Endure: Cancer in the Time of Pandemic

[Originally posted March 28, 2020]

Hi all, Welcome to a very special birthday post from me in which I mostly think about what it's like to have cancer in the time of a global pandemic. As a way of topping my last year's celebration--where I was just about to start chemo--this year the world is sheltering in place under quarantine orders as an unprecedented public health disaster unfolds around us. (Sorry if my prediliction for dramatic narratives is in any way responsible for this fact...) I've been trying to work up the energy to post and let you know that I'm doing ok in this time of a global emergency...as ok as anyone I guess. I should say right off the bat that I am not, right now, immunocompromised, although I am at risk for it. We can all hope my system keeps bouncing back as it has done to keep me out of the most vulnerable group. (I do also have lung tumors, so a respiratory infection would automatically come with complications.)

Mostly, I spent a lot of the past two weeks wondering not if but how the pandemic was likely to affect my cancer treatment and I finally have enough information to confirm that, as of now, I'm still able to stay on the study and get chemo as planned this coming Thursday (April 2nd). I had been scheduled to get CT scans on Tuesday, March 31st to assess whether the treatment I started at the end of January has worked well enough for me to continue on the clinical trial. Although I get so many that it has perhaps come to seem routine, "scanxiety" is a very real phenomenon because these are how you learn whether things are going well (or well enough) or whether the disease has "progressed" and you have to regroup and try again with a new treatment plan. It had been since October that I had had a positive scan, with November showing a halting of improvement and December and January documenting the reversal of recovery. So obviously I was anxious and wanted them as soon as possible. Hearing reports of "non-essential" treatments being canceled, my Penn oncologist and I decided to try to move my scans up. After many phone calls and the efforts and good will of a number of doctors and hospital staff I was able to get them on the 23rd in Princeton (avoiding both the drive into Philly and the potential for exposure there). I'm glad we did because I learned yesterday that the treatment has been working fine; not great, but well enough that a) some tumors got somewhat smaller, b) no tumors got bigger, and c) no new metastatic sites were observed. Clinically, that's ruled as "stable disease" b/c in order for it to be a "partial response" you have to have your cancer go down by at least 30%. But reversing the trend of growth is still a win, and perhaps more time will see more results. And crucially, I do not have to investigate a new treatment option or try to change in the midst of what is soon to be the crest of the pandemic wave of cases. It's only relatively lucky, but I will take it! I have also seen reports in the cancer community about people having their chemo canceled as non-essential, which was shocking to me. I wrote last year about feeling like cancer should always be a "red ball" case that gets rocketed up the chain for testing, insurance approval, etc. and being shocked that it just wasn't. I understand that in some cases where a cancer patient is immunosuppressed, even attending a treatment at a hospital may pose greater risk than delaying it because the risk of infection is such a threat. But that is an extraordinary statement to make, amidst a daily barrage of extraordinary statements. Not all the stories were that clear-cut, though, so I was glad to hear from my doctor that as a stage 4 patient my scheduled treatments will not be bumped. I cannot have any visitors (and it's a pretty rough thing to do alone), but I can and will get through this. We all will. Because we all have in us more than we know. *** Shortly after my beloved grandma died (suddenly, from complications during surgery) my dad told me that one of the last things she said to him was that she would be ok because, "I'm a warrior." And she was. From a tiny place in the woods of east Texas, as a teenager she ran her family's store during the Great Depression and cared for a mess of brothers. When my daddy was eight years old, she and my grandfather picked up and moved away from a community where they knew everyone and had for generations to Dallas--an unfamiliar big city--because his younger brother had been born deaf and they wanted to send him to a special school. She founded and ran her own school, an income she supplemented with other jobs while my granddaddy was away walking pipeline for an oil company. When I knew her, late in her life, she had lost her sight but continued devouring books on tape and listening to the clues on "Jeopardy!". I was the first and only grandbaby and I was adored (not to say spoiled). The only times she actually saw me, before she was blind, I was just a few months old, chewing clean laundry in the basket in which someone had deposited me. As I grew up, she would feel my face, my hair, my ever-increasing height (and joke each time that "I'm going to have to saw your legs off!"). She would listen to my voice on Sunday phone calls; do crossword puzzles with me, as I read clues while lounging on her velour sofa; offer a "piece of Hershey" or a stick of spearmint gum from the same blue tin on the table in which she kept her cigarettes. She could still piece quilts by feel, even though she couldn't see the fabric, and advised me on the 1ft patchwork square I made for my doll's bed. She was weakened, exhausted, blind, and often in pain (which she tactfully never mentioned with me around). Except when she changed to a polyester pantsuit for visiting the doctor, she wore carpet slippers and housedress with a pack of Marlboros in the pocket that she lit from a gas burner, leaning on her walker by an ancient stove. No one knew quite how old she was when she died--our best guess is eighty-three--because she was also the kind of Southern lady who told no one her real age. She was a warrior in that, despite all that had happened in her life and all that was happening to her body, she kept on going. She endured.

When I search for inspiration to continue with treatments that make me feel worse than the disease, to fight so hard to save a body that's betraying me, to stay in an increasingly terrifying world that's betraying all of us, I think of her last words. I'm a warrior. I will endure. Believe it or not, you are also and you will too. In our struggles to continue with our lives in the face of monumental uncertainty and paralyzing anxiety, our greatest achievement is to keep on going. We fight (each of us different things) so that we may endure. It is not pleasant. It will reduce you to tears. You will exhaust all your emotional resources. But you will triumph. I have been fighting, existing in crisis mode, for 14 months and that is how I know that you can do it. You must grieve (and allow yourself time for it) for what you have lost, including a sense of safety or normalcy. But as you press on, you will find that inner strength or resiliency. I'm sorry that this is being demanded of you. It is not fair. But that will not change it. You may grieve, cry, fight, and struggle but, ultimately, you will accept that your way forward, your treatment, is to endure. I've reflected a lot on social media about how living with stage 4 cancer accidentally prepared me for the experience of the pandemic. I wrote a coda to an essay that will be published--likely this May--about the "Body as Data." Since the coda itself will probably change by then, the situating evolving as rapidly as it is, I thought I would share it here. Thank you for being with me and providing that community that has been the saving grace of treatment. Love, Bex *** As of writing this essay, it’s been 14 months since my diagnosis. I have tried three different treatments, two of which were clinical trials, one of which I am still enrolled in. It is approaching my thirty-sixth birthday [it's actually today - March 29th] and everyone is sheltering in place because of the coronavirus. I have lived more than a year now tolerating the same kind of existential uncertainty and fear of an alien invader in the body that the world as a whole is now experiencing. I have played my own doctor, watching my body for signs that a treatment is working, or that it is not, in much the same way. I have tried to anticipate what will happen if I become immunocompromised (as I currently am not, but am at risk for) and given up many of the pleasures that made my life better before (traveling, going out with friends) in the name of my health. I have offered my body up as data to research scientists with the goal of furthering not just my own treatment but the survival prospects of future patients. I did not know that throughout this year I was in training for a time when we would all of necessity be regarded as bodies with the potential to produce valuable data about the spread and effects of COVID-19. We are starved for numbers, for data on infections and recoveries and for statistical models that may relieve us of the uncertainty we feel about the future. I cannot provide that. But I can tell you to be cautious readers of data and statistics that speak with any pretense to authority right now, even though I crave them too. Cancer is invisible and so are viruses. This particular virus can inhabit the body but produce no symptom and live for days on surfaces. It may be in us. It may be in those we love. We are in the middle of the data. We are the data. Susan Sontag wrote in Illness as Metaphor that “Everyone who is born holds dual citizenship, in the kingdom of the well and in the kingdom of the sick. Although we all prefer to use only the good passport, sooner or later each of us is obliged, at least for a spell, to identify ourselves as citizens of that other place” (3). A pandemic transcends borders but does not do away with the kingdom of the sick. As someone already resident, I can say to you: welcome. The hardest thing about being here is the grief for what we have lost, including a sense of normalcy. The best thing, though, is what we may find: community in a time of crisis.

#my life as a cancer patient #clinical trials #covid and cancer #quarantine life #mbc #metastatic breast cancer #stage 4 #my family

[bonesandpoemsandflowers]

So here’s a thing that happened, tumblr.

Many moons ago, I was in the Neuro ICU for a while. I was actually in there twice--for a week at first, then out, then in again for about two weeks. In between: “Nothing’s wrong! It’s resolved!” As you might imagine, given the spoiler there about how I went to the Neuro ICU twice: in fact, Something was wrong, and it was not resolved (then).

(it is resolved now, thank you)

This post is not actually ABOUT that, but we must start there, out of order.

This is a post about art and rivers and boys in cars. But we start in the Neuro ICU.

I don’t like talking about this time in my life. I would have been skittish and mysterious ANYWAY--I was raised like that--but I’m extra skittish and vague about my timeline because I don’t want to talk about it, you know? I survived something I had no business surviving. I had to relearn how to walk. That took months and that was the easy part. Because I am a big tiddy goth girl, and because I was very young then, people love to assume that the problem was drugs, and I did it to myself, as if that somehow makes anything less tragic.

I was 23 years old with a brain bleed due to a congenital defect, and even at the time, I had to defend myself: no, I’m not on drugs, I don’t do drugs, I didn’t do coke, I’ve never done coke.

I am also Colombian, which, I suppose, might play into their calculus about the coke, but WHO KNOWS. I was busy gibbering and almost dying at the time, which left little energy for noticing potential microaggressions.

Is it a microaggression, I guess, when you’re dying? Who knows.

I have never even been drunk, tumblr. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t snort. I never have. This is mostly because I’m a paranoid loon with an off again, on again anorexia, ya know, thing, so occasionally I get really hung up on irrational concepts of bodily purity. People think it’s a flex when I try to explain this, that I’m relishing in some kind of moral superiority. I’m not. I admitting to SEVERAL defects (“quirks”) of personality there. The eating disorder. The deep distrust: I will not be vulnerable in the presence of others, I will not dull my senses, I will not allow myself to be weak. A certain perfectionism. A certain tendency towards slow burn self harm. Grand ideas made of nothing that sometimes take hold.

My point is that this big disruptive thing happened.

I survived, which is AWESOME. And yeah, I had to relearn how to walk, and some other things, but you guys know that I do yoga and aerial silks and lyra and ran off to Thailand to train kickboxing for a summer on fighter street and I STILL do not shut the fuck up about it.

So, cool, cool cool cool cool.

And I don’t even want to talk about that part, the medical drama, the body horror, the institutional whatever. My neurosurgeon was fantastic and like a week after my discharge I was high as SHIT on prescribed painkillers my caregivers insisted I take and wrote him a gushing effusive letter about how he was MY HERO because I was ALIVE and anyway that basically makes you BATMAN, DOCTOR LEWIS, I FUCKING LOVE BATMAN.

Again: high as fuck, ok.

 My point is: I hate talking about this.

Because once you’re a survivor in people’s minds, that’s all you are. You are reduced to this one event that had very little to do with you. You are defined by this thing that happened to you.

And this isn’t even the weirdest thing that’s happened TO me! But still. Happened TO me. Not something I did. Not my action. Barely even my reaction.

But again, personality flaws. What does it say about me that I look at social norms about comfort and inwardly I snarl that I want no one’s pity?

Except I’m not actually that mean. I don’t snarl.

I just withdraw.

This is a tactic that has served me well in life a BUNCH of times. Is it always the answer? No. Is it often worth a shot? Listen. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Sometimes you flee an abusive home life because that’s the only option, and you don’t want to die. Hypothetically speaking: sometimes all you can do is run.

But sometimes you flee people with mostly good intentions, maybe.

This is all very high minded but what’s prompting me to write this isn’t exactly the upcoming (many year) anniversary of the event. It’s something way more mundane and dumb.

I have not logged into my facebook account since this happened. I never bothered deleting the account(s), either. I presume they still exist. I have no idea HOW to log back onto them, and, more importantly, no desire.

“So what?”

So, okay, back when I had my first stint in the Neuro ICU? Like, totally out of nowhere, I just disappeared from people’s feeds. (you all know I do this) Somehow part of the story got out and SOMEHOW, I have no idea how, a small group of my friends managed to independently track down the hospital I was at. And this is on next to no info, across state lines, like--I have no idea how the fuck they did it.

I also don’t fucking know who they were.

I was told, at the time. I have a vague idea of who two out of (I think) four were, or might have been. I was kind of busy at the time, with the dying.

And when I say I don’t like talking about this time: I don’t like even THINKING about it. I avoid it.

Fleeing. See?

So I don’t have a memory of the names. I don’t have memories of the memory.

“So what?”

So, I know from groups other than this one, groups less dedicated than this one, that people actually get REALLY fucking mad at you for not accepting their get better soon wishes. And like, I get it! You were very worried and I did nothing to reassure you.

I WAS BUSY.

I was busy dying. Almost dying. Not dying. I was busy sleeping 20 hrs a day. I was busy being unable to walk. I was busy re-learning to walk. I was busy relearning how to write with pen and paper and for months I COULD NOT DO IT, do you have any idea how that feels to someone who is and has always been and has always wanted to be a writer? Fuck it. Fuck you.

The initial disappearance. I am not to blame.

But then doing nothing to reach out to anybody for YEARS and YEARS--

Okay, maybe a dick move on my part.

“So what?”

So I think one of the people who managed to track me down in the hospital was my best friend from high school, a terribly sweet Brazilian boy who mostly called me not by my name, but simply: The Devil.

I dig it. Always did.

And it’s high school, right. Everybody is thirsty as fuck for their friends, one way or another. We never dated--we were both always dating or pursuing other people--but we had the typical high school bestie unresolved romantic tension deal going on.

This is important so remember it for later: the problem was not attraction. The problem was not one sided unresolved sexual tension. I had a particular thing for how he looked while driving, shades on, one arm slung over the wheel in that terribly and typically male lounging driving pose that’s probably a safety hazard.

We spent a lot of time in his car.

I didn’t drive, at the time, because my mother didn’t allow me to learn, and I got kicked out of my house and disowned when I was 17. This dude spent a LOT of time driving me places. Boys in cars is practically a genre of erotic poetry, thanks to Richard Siken. This is because boys look Cool driving cars, wearing sunglasses, pretending they’re not paying attention to you while you know they are.

So he was fun.

More importantly, I guess, the fact that he picked my ass up at like 6 AM over and over and over again for a big chunk of my senior year is one of the few reasons I managed to graduate despite being technically homeless.

He was not a morning person. I am not a morning person. He did it anyway.

Why didn’t we date, I wondered, years later, for a fraction of a second, and then I forgot about it.

“SO WHAT?!”

So I’m grown up and happy and fulfilled and in a lovely long term relationship (remember! we’re buying a house!), so it’s not about “what if?” It’s that I’m happy and grown up and I write books sometimes.

But there it is.

I write books sometimes.

Artists are constantly stealing ideas from everywhere and this is good. Artists also steal from themselves, grubby little hands on secret parts of our hearts.

So I’m writing this book, right. My Great Work. My Break Out Novel. My SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS book. My “this is the thing I’ve worked the hardest on in my whole entire LIFE” book.

And in this book there is a male love interest. He is a political statement. I’m writing him as sexy and heroic as possible. I want this to be the MOST attractive man I’ve ever written.

Latino. Sexy as fuck. Not a criminal. Overly responsible. Action ready, and terribly nurturing.

Hot Single Dad and Reluctant Necromancer is my masterpiece. A passionate statement and stance against the depiction of Latino men in media. A war cry to examine our own subconscious biases. A weapon raised against an unjust system.

I stole parts of him from Frank Castle. I stole parts of him from Geralt. I stole (MANY) parts of him from this one IRL hot dad former Army Ranger guy, Mexican American with a tattoo on his arm of a jack o lantern one of his kids drew. I stole parts of him from this cute Marine in my DMs who gave me story advice about guns and gear. I stole parts of him from indigenous leaders from centuries ago, from the peoples he is descended from. I stole parts of him from every man I’ve met who worked in dog rescue. I stole parts of him from myself, hiding secret parts of my heart in the male character so that no one will know.

Lovely. All good so far.

I got like two whole drafts in before I was thumbing through some printed out pages, idly thinking: how funny that I don’t have any real life, personal to me models for this guy.

All my prior male love interests, you see, are based on someone. In the werewolf trilogy, they’re BOTH based on someone--different someones. The villain, too, is jokingly referred to as the “evil werewolf ex boyfriend” for a reason.

Everybody is someone.

So how funny, I thought, that necromancer hot dad lacks any references from my own--

OH, wait, fuck--

Overly responsible brown dude with sad dog eyes drives the female lead/occult specialist around while good naturedly complaining that she’s weird as shit.

Oh, damn.

And suddenly a bunch of teensy little backstory details made sense.

Cool.

“So what?”

Bonus round of self realization: my own understanding of this time in my life radically shifted, turning, lurching, sickly rotating on a new axis.

Why didn’t we date?

Somewhere between then and now, post ICU but pre novel writing time--

This one time I overheard somebody talking to somebody else and it had nothing to do with me but sight unseen, on the other side of the stacks in a used bookstore, one dude said to another: “you know that if you were lighter, you’d have a chance with her, right?”

How terrible, I thought, and I forgot about it.

Why didn’t we date?

Because my mother told me, when I was very young, that boys from Brazil were all very wild, and I should avoid them. And she told me this so early and so plainly that I never thought to question it. When I was older she took harder stances that I easily ignored because I knew they were wrong--don’t you dare bring a black boy into this house. You’re dating a Jew? I can’t believe you did this to me. What are you going to do next, kiss a girl?

WELL, Ma, as it turns out, I mean, not til college, but yes.

But the smaller, more mild statement was so much more insidious.

I wonder if he knew. I don’t think he did. I wonder if he figured it out later. I have no idea, because we were friends when we were still essentially children, and now we are grown. Not everybody thinks about this kind of thing, and I don’t blame them.

How much damage did I do?

Does it matter?

Does he know?

I know.

I know, now, that my rallying cry against a system’s unfairness is also a cry wrenched wetly from my own subconscious depths. YOUR biases against? Yes. But more accurately: my biases against.

“So what?”

So this kind of epiphany shit leaves you breathless about it and you wanna scream. You wanna SHARE it. You must infect others with this knowledge.

But you can’t out of nowhere foist this apology on someone. That’s selfish. That’s about redeeming yourself in your own eyes AND asking someone else to confront unpleasant emotions on your behalf, even though they’re the wronged party. Selfish. Tell me I’m not a bad person, baby. Tell me I never hurt you, not even a little. Forgive me if I did. Wade through this pile of astral shit for me just to make me feel better. Reassure me. Hurt yourself for me in the here and now.

So I’m not going to do that, obviously.

“So what?”

But there’s that other part of it, right? Not the apology. The surge of emotion. The realization that all those morning drives back then added up to something deep within me, something so foundational to my concept of care and maybe even the start of something like love--the knowledge that this person gently carved some ideals for you, so long ago, so subtly that you never questioned it, never even realized, because it felt so natural, because something about it is so inherently good and right.

Despite everything--despite society, propaganda, colonialism, the prejudice of my upbringing, my own unexamined complicity, ALL of it--

Despite everything, this person taught me something so deeply about love and the shape of it, something so foundational that I built all my art on it and didn’t even see the beams of it until halfway through my most ambitious and soul bearing undertaking.

This is how you care for another, went the lesson, and I wrote pragmatic actions over words romantic male leads all the way down.

This is what love might look like, and in my own life, ever ambitious, I chose a poet talented with words and actions and good fight choreography, because I think that’s sexy and dichotomies are mostly bullshit, or at least things that happen to other people.

But I didn’t learn what love looked like from my childhood home life, obviously. How could I?

Without you, though, without you and your mirror sunglasses at 6 AM and your exasperated teasing, devil, witch, bruja, without any of those, where would I have learned? How long would it take me, to find someone who would teach me a wholesome lesson?

I’m small and cute and predators love a victim with a lack of context. I give myself and my wit some credit, but what’s pattern recognition worth if you never get any good data points?

Deep lessons.

Again: this kind of epiphany makes you wanna scream. Who to infect, with all this new knowledge?

Maybe no one. Probably no one.

But maybe, just a little, you wonder--

How would that conversation even go?

Hey, so I wrote this book--no, it’s my fifth, not my first, but thanks--so I wrote this book, and there’s this character, right, and he’s--well, hahah, I mean, he’s not exactly--I just--funny story, really--no, god, no, you don’t have to read it--it’s just--he’s just--I mean, no, you, you’re just--forget it, actually, just--

Like, what the fuck is there to say?

“I couldn’t have written this without you.”

And

“Did you check on me? When you thought I was dead?”

and

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice, at the time, that I meant anything to you.”

or is it really

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize until now that you meant something to me.”

What to do with all this emotion? Or more accurately--like rivers carve out gorges, here is the shape of something that once was. This shape will always be here. Even without a single drop of water ever again: we see the river.

What to do with the shape of all this emotion?

I consult the great Richard Siken via a feat of bibliomancy. Advise me, O Oracle. The oracle is War of the Foxes (2015), turned over blindly in my hands, opened randomly to The Worm King’s Lullaby, pg 45, verse 1:

The holes in this story are not lamps, they are not wheels. I walked and walked, grew a beard so I could drag it in the dirt, into a forest that wasn’t there. I want to give you more but not everything. You don’t need everything.

This advice is too good. I close the book.

The advice does not tell me what to do, but it’s too good. The verse reaches into my chest and carves out my heart, slices it open. Inside my heart: pomegranate seeds. Tiny jewels, fit for a dragon, snacking on garnets and rubies, and the apple of Eden wasn’t an apple, because it was the desert, wasn’t it? It was a pomegranate. Something with scales, maybe snakes. The serpent, the devil.

What to do with all this love?

I swallow the pomegranate seeds. I buy myself some time. I want to give you more, but not everything. Do you need everything? I don’t know. I don’t have it to give to you, in any case. Does it matter?

Why are you doing this, me?

Because art is messy. Art is cutting yourself open over and over again. You clean up most of the mess, try to bottle the fluids and label them nicely or deliberately misleadingly, fit for someone else’s consumption, but either way, you’re bleeding.

Maybe this urge is bleed with me or maybe it is oh, you already did.

I swallow the seeds. I buy some time.

I’m not done yet. I’m not.

Maybe all this adds up to nothing.

Maybe if I do this right, it adds up to a lot.

Maybe if I do this right it will feel real, maybe what I want is to gift the shape of these rivers to somebody else, all emotionally intimately with strangers. This is a shape that love can be. This is a silhouette you may recognize.

Maybe that’s a tribute, or a tributary.

But it’s not about you, not really, so don’t get too big headed about it. This is about Art and something like Justice. Big things. This is a book about big things, about history and dogs, history and gods, crimes and lies, slaughter and slander.

Right, yeah.

An act of faith, an act of will.

I swallow the pomegranate seeds. I buy myself some time.

It’s not harvest season yet. Not yet, not now, not yet.

If not now, then when?

When it’s ready.

There is no ready. Perfection is an illusion.

Yeah, sure, but page count is REAL.

You’re evading. That’s another word for fleeing. Do you know that?

Yes. I do.

How long will you run?

Just a little bit more. Just a little. I promise.

#it was boiling / i run to the sea #'i wrote this book because REPRESENTATION also possibly an unresolved crush from high school i am pure LITERATURE' #i have done everything in my power to find you! except get on LinkedIn