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kalgalen · 1 year

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Open letter to my mother

(or, a rebuttal to the 1k email my mom sent me about my upcoming transition. Tw: transphobia, self-harm)

First, and I say this will all the love in the word (and an healthy dose of disbelief): what the fuck is wrong with cis people?

I'm gonna skip right over the fact that you had the gall to call this a "text analysis" when you actually dedicated only one paragraph to actually describing the text I got published and used the rest to utterly dismiss my community and I. That disappointment, though, is nothing compared to the anger and grief that the rest of your email has awaken in me.

You talk about respect, but you refuse to respect my decision to make my own body more comfortable to me. Worse than that, you disrespect my friends by deciding you get to be the judge determining who conforms to your outdated ideas on gender enough to be allowed to transition. How dare you?

Speaking of daring, how dare you imply that we, the LGBTQIA community, need to be more tolerant and inclusive of people who don't understand us? Do you realize that in many cases it means they want our death? You're a white woman. You've never had to deal with a huge portion of the population wanting you to stop existing, or at least to stop "putting your identity in everyone's faces" - aka, essentially, to (hope you guessed it) stop existing. I'm not asking for understanding from every single old crusty conservative guy, just that they leave us the fuck alone.

You make wild assumptions about me in your email. Do you really think my therapist helped me accept myself? I only came out to her last year when I decided to medically transition, because I was finally confident in my ability to make that choice. We had never talked about gender before. Why would you want to take that away from me? Why would that "self-respect" you're talking about entail me going back on my steps? Why can't it be about me embracing my identity, making my body mine in a way that doesn't involve self-harming?

On that subject, you've never shown concern when I was cutting into my arms on the daily. You acknowledged it, sure, but what did you do except demand that I stop? You have no right to criticize my choice of changing my body. You lost it long ago.

You encouraged me to get a breast reduction last year when I started the process of wanting to transition. You still thought I was cis then, but since it was a surgery for cis people, it was fine and dandy. Now that I want to cut it all off so I don't have to deal with binders anymore (which are indeed quite dangerous for the person wearing them, not to mention uncomfortable) you believe you can go against that. You have to see how irrational that is.

You talk about detransitioners but I'm willing to bet you haven't done more research past "some people regret transitioning." Do you know most people stop transitioning because of transphobia? You, cis people, are killing us one way or another.

Why do you fucking think you can explain gender to me. "We all have a part of masculinity and femininity inside of us" yeah no kidding?? You're telling that to a nonbinary person, that's the whole concept (although not only - but I won't get into it since it'll just confuse you more.) You dare "explaining" to me what androgynity is and why it would "fit me more". You think your couple of hours of half-assed research are enough to compare with my lived experience? With my discussions with like-minded people? With decades of self-determination by a community that is older than you? Also fuck you for implying I've only decided to call myself nonbinary because it's "fun". You don't know anything.

You ask me if sexuality is involved in choosing a gender - and it might be for some but newsflash, trans gay people exist. Additionally, I am asexual - not that you bothered to do research about that. "Before loving a sex we love a way to be, a philosophy, a way to think" fuck off I've known that since I was old enough to fall in love.

Anyways. You'll never read this, because you would only think I'm throwing a tantrum - because you're so sure you're right, and not ready to listen. Whatever, I don't give a shit. I will try and answer your concerns later when I'm not so pissed off, but for the moment I cannot help you.

Lovingly, your child.

#perso #transgender #ok to rb #actually - encouraged to be rb #don't let me be alone in my rage

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barely-coherent · 9 months

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Asexual GN Reader coming out to Karasuno

Surprise I'm also asexual even though it's literally in my bio so it's not really a surprise. It was also my birthday 2 weeks ago, lol.

Daichi

• Oh me, oh my, this man

• You're like watching a movie

• And he leans down for a kiss

• Obviously you kiss back

• He pushes you onto your back and remember he doesn't know

• You gently push his chest away

• "Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?"

• "No! No, it's just me. Uh… Promise you won't get mad?"

• "Promise."

• You took in a slightly shaky breath and just went "I'm actually asexual…"

• He was quiet for a few seconds

• Was he still processing? Was he mad? Was he gonna break up with you? Was-

• "That's it?"

• What

• "I'm sorry?"

• "Sorry, I'll rephrase. Why did you look so scared to tell me?"

• You were shocked for some reason

• "You're not disappointed?"

• "Why would I be? I can take care of myself."

• You immediately felt embarrassed

• Daichi has supported you through everything, why wouldn't he with this?

Suga

• He has gaydar but for every sexuality

• So he's just staring at you

• "Stop, it's getting weird."

• "Sorry, I just can't get a read on you."

• "What?"

• "I'm getting asexual but there's something else there."

• You clench your fists at that

• "Maybe it's because I didn't want to be outed!"

• "Alright, I'll drop it, sorry."

• Good job Suga

• Real smooth of you

Asahi

• You were sleeping over at Asahi's house not for the first time

• But you just really wanted to be close to him so as soon as he got into bed you climbed on top of him just to cuddle

• But he immediately got red in the face

• "Uh, right now? I mean- It's just- Um, this- Aren't you tired?"

• You were confused until it hit you

• "Asahi, I don't want to have sex with you!"

• He let out a sad little "Oh…"

• "That's not- It's not just you, I don't wanna have sex with anybody."

• "Oh… OH, okay sorry."

• He started apologizing

• "Asahi, shut up."

• He immediately closed his mouth

Noya

• Almost a permanent resident of horny jail

• You know, I know, we all know

• He's not ashamed

• He said "So what if I like getting my dick wet?"

• It's true, I was there

• ANYWAY

• You're staying over for the first time and nervous as all hell

• What if he's expecting something? What if he's upset? What if he's disappointed? What if-

• "Are you alright? You've been in there for 15 minutes and I'd rather you not pace a hole through my bathroom floor."

• You open the door and walk past him, trying to hide your nerves

• Key word, trying

• He grabs your wrist

• "Are you alright?"

• Fuck

• "Yep, all good!" And you speed walk into his room and crawl under the covers

• He joins you and turns off the light

• There are about three feet between you and you lie ramrod straight, not daring to move.

• "I can feel your anxiety from over here, also why are you so far away?"

• You fumble for an answer before you stuff your face into your pillow

• "'m askshal…" You mumble

• "Did you just speak in tongues? I couldn't hear you."

• You say it a little louder into the pillow

• "Babe, I can't understand-"

• "I'M ASEXUAL"

• "Okay? And?"

• "You know you're practically a permanent resident of horny jail, right?"

• "Obviously."

• "As someone who literally cannot go to horny jail, there might be a little bit of a problem."

• He laughs a little which makes you angry, totally reasonable

• Then "Babe, I would suffer erectile dysfunction until the end of time if it would make you more comfortable."

• You physically cringe, just your entire body just cringes

• "Please never say that again."

• "Well it's true and a total mood killer so it works out for the both of us, now c'mere."

Tanaka

• Not as bad as Noya

• He's more discreet at least

• But it's still pretty obvious

• You kept getting nervous that once he finds out, he'll leave you for Kiyoko

• So you didn't tell him

• For YEARS you kept this secret

• He never initiated anything so you were like "It's fine, he doesn't even want to."

• But you were still like "Maybe he doesn't want me."

• You really went Antihero by Taylor Swift

• So one day you're like "Tanaka, can we talk?"

• And hes like "Sure, what's up?"

• While on the inside he's freaking out "OH MY GOD THEY'RE GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME FUCK, WHAT DID I DO WRONG"

• And then you ask why he hasn't initiated anything, asking if he finds you undesirable

• And he's confused like ???

• He explains he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable if you're not ready

• And you melt

• Broski was fr waiting for you

• And then it hits you

• You would never be ready

• You start freaking out

• "Hey, hey, are you alright?"

• He asks and you can't look him in the eyes

• "What if… What if I'm never ready?"

• "What do you mean?"

• "I, uh- I'm asexual… Actually."

• "And? That's fine! I'm a big boy, I got this. We have a bathroom."

Kageyama

• Sweet, sweet boy

• He doesn't care

• At least he doesn't show it if he does

• Just goes "Okay"

• And then a couple weeks later he comes up to you "What does that mean? Hinata just laughed at me."

• You stifle a giggle before explaining to him

• Don't mind me projecting real quick

• "Oh! There's a word for that? I am too."

• So y'all are two ace people in love

• We love to see it

Hinata

• I feel like he kinda knows

• Like he's preeeety sure but he's not certain

• So one day he straight up asks you

• He pulls you away from a group so to not out you when you weren't ready

• "So are you asexual?"

• You're pretty taken aback

• "Uh… Why do you want to know?"

• He just cocks his head in confusion

• "I'm just making sure, don't want to assume anything!"

• So you tell him and he smiles

• "Alright! Thanks for trusting me with this information too!"

• Which is the only acceptable way to react when someone comes out to you

Tsukishima

• Mans literally does not care

• If anyone brought up sex he'd probably just say "Gross" and move on

• But you figure he should probably know anyway

• So you're sitting next to him, probably watching a movie or something

• That classic trope of sex scene comes on with your partner

• "Are they even trying? It looks faker than it is!"

• Poor Kei is sick and tired of bad sex in movies

• Akiteru came down the stairs but then saw the TV

• He knew it was a movie but knew the trope of movie sex leads to real sex so he just went back upstairs

• Kei notices you're unusually quiet and is like "Hello? Earth to s/o?"

• Obviously you're paying attention

• Probably too much attention

• He realizes your nervous and that has him worried

• What has you so nervous all of a sudden?

• "Are you all good? You're really tense."

• "Uh, well... I'm asexual"

• "Okay? And? It's literally fake."

• "TSUKISHIMA KEI"

• "Not asexuality, the movie! God, I'm an asshole, not cruel."

• You eventually skip the movie and Kei checks his phone just to see a text that says "Use protection ;)" from Akiteru

• "You're fucking disgusting!" He calls upstairs and laughter immediately comes from Akiterus room

Yamaguchi

• Baby boy. Baby

• He's so nervous

• You know if you do the "can we talk?" He's gonna have a panic attack

• So instead before you walk home together you're like "I need to tell you a thing" to make sure he doesn't think it's anything bad

• He just looks at you for you to continue, smiling

• "Okay, so... I'm part of the LGBTQ community"

• You figured you should start with that

• His smile doesn't falter so he nods

• "Okay! Do you have a specific label? Or would you rather not tell me?"

• "Yes! I'm asexual, so... yeah."

• That's when his smile falls

• Oh God

• Oh no

• "Which one is that again?"

• Oh

• "It's the one where I don't want sex."

• "Oh, cool. I'm glad you told me."

#mine.txt #haikyuu tanaka #haikyuu tsukishima #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu #haikyu #haikyu x reader #haikyuu nishinoya #haikyuu kageyama #haikyuu hinata #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu daichi #haikyuu sugawara #haikyuu asahi #haikyuu yamaguchi

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dysany · 1 year

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big mouth, season 6

ok i rewatched the season 6 finale of big mouth and i have to say it's probably one of my favorite seasons. all the depth and development was amazing, plus it brings a lot of new layers to the characters and a really nice theme

I loved how the series dealt with father abandonment and neglect. andrew, elliot, jessi and jay suffered a lot from the distance from their fathers and very interesting to see how it affected them differently. the same trauma from different perspectives

jay's development is probably one of my favorites, and as much as matthew did indeed cause him to abandon things he loved, it wasn't all bad. Jay needed to grow up, leave his fetish for objects and understand what family is

their relationship served very well to help both of them grow, even though Matthew made the same mistake again, this time he did it out of love. I don't think they can come back, which is a shame, but it brought some much-needed maturation.

Andrew's dad is probably one of the worst people I've ever seen and this season just proved that to me. I don't think the ending brought any real change to the character because he's already spoiled this family. Andrew is under a lot of pressure and stress, and it's Marty's fault.

Andrew just suffered, no news. but it hurt SO MUCH to see him under so much stress to the point of losing control of his own body, unable to control himself due to lack of support when he needed it most. It was a lot of anxiety for one person, and Marty's influence just makes it worse.

Nick… it's hard to talk about him. I don't think it was a bad thing for him to look into the family, but he's still the same spoiled brat with no communication. He still can't see his dad as a good image (although Elliot is great) and I hope the ending changes that.

Elliot tried to make up for all of his father's absence by overprotecting and smothering the family with love. which is sweet, but still got in the way of nick's maturation. the neglect and abuse he suffered from his own father was a strong mark, but the ending was hopeful for them

Jessi hurt me LMAO HATED IT envy the newborn sister for having the paternal attention you didn't have? feel inferior, unable to connect with your own family? this hit where it shouldn't have but I'm proud of her for getting through it

and i cried with ep about elijah's asexuality. It was such a well written episode, and even without being ace I was able to feel (again) all the fear and confusion that discovering LGBT brings. Kind of a meh character, but an excellent episode

but I miss judd, we don't have judd birch enough. so bad for you, Big Mouth

#Big Mouth #Big Mouth Netflix #Jay blizerian #matthew big mouth #jessi glaser #nick birch #andrew glouberman #I Love this show #I can't believe its the S6 #Looks like S3 came a few days ago #So excited to S7 #At least Judd has a pretty girlfriend which is really good for him.#But I wanted to know more about them and see more than one scene argh

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eeriefettucine · 1 year

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Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls by David Sedaris

I am honestly kind of speechless after reading this. I read it over four days, frequently reading it aloud to a close friend it while we did other activities. We couldn't keep our mouths shut. Every other sentence we were either laughing or psychoanalyzing this man's relationship with his father.

It's like watching an episode of South Park, which is to say, shocking in the way that ultimately leaves you feeling sorry for someone who thinks this is genuinely funny or relatable. Many of the things in this book could not be waterboarded out of me. I am beyond criticizing this author because he is beyond shame.

The only book I've ever continued to read out of confusion that it had the audacity to be so forward with its intermittent racism, body shaming, and more racism, all narrated as if the author thinks this is what everybody secretly believes deep down. It's like an entire book of your weird great uncle winking at you from across the dinner table on Thanksgiving. There is a point where he is unabashedly miserable at being forced to spend a week at his London townhouse, instead of making his third month-long trip to Italy, and this is presented in the way a normal person would grieve losing a parent. My friend and I googled whether or not it was satire after page ten. It's not. He genuinely believes these things. Save for a few ham-fisted satiric essays, this is real. Or so I'm told.

When I found myself watching The Good Place season four, and John, the gossipy stereotype of a financially privileged white gay man came on screen I thought, surely this is exaggerating. Nobody could possibly be like this. Through reading this book, I have been proven wrong. David Sedaris is like that.

The only thing I got out of it was laughing at how out of touch this man is with the real world. I hope he keeps traveling so that he is always at least a thousand feet from me at any given time. The prose is fine. The first thing that comes up when you google the author is the auto-generated question, "Why is David Sedaris famous?" and there is no solid answer.

I say none of this out of hate for the author. He's like a cartoon character to me. I simply cannot fathom that this man exists. If I were to encounter him, one of us would surely turn to dust instantly. I want to know his opinion on everything purely so that while I develop my own independent opinion, I can put his in the corner and glance at it and say damn, at least I'm not like this.

If I ever meet anyone who praises this book unironically, I will get their phone number just to block it. I can't describe what the bigotry in this book makes me feel. I'm not offended, because that would imply I take this seriously. The whole thing is like a thought exercise in what would happen should Rush Limbaugh asexually reproduce with Ayn Rand and that child be raised entirely on Netflix originals and BuzzFeed articles from 2012. It's like if your father were gay and never had you but kept all the same opinions. It's horrible and I am amazed.

Anyway, the actual content is maybe 5/10 (points for experienced, readable prose) but if you are grounded in reality the experience of reading this book is at least a 7 based on laugh value. Never have I stopped reading so often to rave to a friend, both of us guffawing and shaking with laughter, how much this sucks.

#book review #i dont care if nobody asked for this i need the public to know #what do i tag this uhh #bookblr #books #holy shit #long post

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self-recovery-discovery · 2 years

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Hi future me,

How are you? It's a quiet morning, I keep going back to stories unintentionally and get suprised when time passes. I keep forgetting to stay in a moment, to be aware. So I thought it would be good to take some time and write.

I don't think I ever mentioned it but I'm aroace. I think. It feels... Right.

Thought i don't like labels and pushing myself into a community this one doesn't feel so bad.

Let's talk about asexuality first. There's a lot to unpack.

So, I'm sure you remember thinking "hey I think I'm asexual" back in middle school. Taking time to figure it out and sharing it with online "friends". I just wanted to talk it over with someone, get an outside opinion, maybe some comfort.

I wasn't met with that, instead insults and malicious laughter filled my ears during the voice call. I didn't know at that time but it hurt me, to the point of questioning myself and my feelings. I think this event was the start of me holding my trauma as a weapon, never feeling vulnerable while talking about stuff that happened to me, wording everything in a way that would make the other person feel bad. I never used that tactic that much but it was there, just in case. (is that why I don't share anything with people? Does it still feel like a weapon?)

So, the conclusion I came to was met with huge disagreement. It made me feel like I had to be different, pushing myself into being more of what I wasn't.

When I entered high school I sported a "I must be pansexual" mindset.

It wasn't that hard, I never imagined doing the deed or even kissing with other people, it feeling wrong and just purely disrespectful to the other person. My hypersexualisation didn't help. Or the fact that I did feel sexual needs.

See, one third of toddlers use masturbation to self sooth, the touch feeling nice and nothing more. There's nothing sexual about it. It's like a new sensation that feels nice. Like a hug from their mom or someone stroking their hair. Nothing else. (Because I'm posting this on the internet, please note this: If you think it is something sexual please stop and go see a therapist. Those are children and they don't deserve to be treated like a toy for your fantasies. Get help.)

You're probably wondering why I'm mentioning this.

See, I was one of those toddlers, using the sensation to soothe the lack of attention, lack of understanding and affection from my parents and siblings. I was left alone most of the time, the rejection others gave me leaving me upset and sad. So the masturbation was left as a coping mechanism from my childhood and confused me even more about my sexuality. It was very confusing to figure out that bodily reaction. Especially with how I started searching, looking for information back in middle school about asexuality. It was very confusing and I didn't understand that it was "little to none or lack of sexual attraction". But there was a lot information about sex repulsed people that would never even discover their own bodies.

So the confusion from the label itself and the rejection made it pretty hard to think of myself as such.

So I pushed myself, other people's words making me put myself into situations I normally wouldn't put myself in. Several relationships online, because those wasn't physical and I had space where people couldn't touch me, and most of them were based on other people's needs. I didn't have to think, just manipulating my behavior to fit other people, to look normal. It was pretty easy, my mental state not letting me see or be in the moment. It felt like an RP, like the ones I wrote with kids online on Skype or games like feral heart or imvu. The reaction i would get was the one I thought I would get, like things following a script.

Mind you none of those relationships were official or anything. Just teenagers and grown men pushing their fantasies onto someone who wasn't there at all. It's kinda fucked up on its own and should get a post alone. There's a lot to unpack there.

After my last relationship, one that I met the person in real life, memories from middle school came back to me, making me think. The disassociation I've been in clearing and making me see things for the first time in ages. The meeting made me uncomfortable to the point of crying. Maybe my reaction to those people while texting should make it clear. I was always perplexed and thought of them as pathetic every time they fell for words i would write. I guess the dissasiocation made it difficult for me to even catch that.

It took me some time to come to terms with the fact that I was asexual again. Or at least on the spectrum, but I know that I've never felt sexual attraction to anyone. So really it's just that trauma of being rejected pushing me into denial again.

The aromantism is what's new. I never noticed it because I've been using books and stories as an escape since young, the romance genre one of my favorites. I was never too keen on reading about kisses though, hugs and cuddles being a favorite of mine. I realise now it's just the lack of affection I've got from parents while I was young that made me crave the touch, just the warmth of another person that would understand.

I figured recently that I am romance repulsed even, the thought of PDA, kisses and the like making me uncomfortable to the point of disgust.

Though looking at how romance centered our society is i didn't want to believe that I was aromantic. I thought i would never find company, never find a person I could hang out with and share my life with.

(I am very against living with another person though, I don't think I will be able to handle someone in my own space as weird as it can sound to other people. I had too many siblings to enjoy living with someone else I guess.)

Maybe what I'm searching for is a platonic relationship with another aroace, someone I could sit in silence and dance waltz for fun. And what I learned from our society was that without romance i would never have that person. But what made me realise how wrong that thought was, was seeing a married aroace person in Antony padila video.

That one segment made me calm, made me realise that I can just be with another person without any romance or hidden meanings.

I felt relieved.

I'm not alone in my feelings.

I'm not as confused anymore.

I'm pretty sure something will pop up about this again. Probably my internet experience when I was younger. Maybe the trauma i got from my parents. But it's okay. I can work through that, feel the hurt again and grow. Like a burnt forest finding life again.

Sincerely,

Isa

#recovery-discovery-diary #diary #Aroace #implied grooming #aromantism

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themagicfolf · 1 year

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This is now my place for venting

After someone suggested I start venting in safer place I chose tumblr because I already had an account.

And after seeing what is happening to others on the site I think they were right. So yeah.

Moved it here now will copy the stuff from twitter here for preservation before reserving my twitter for non venty things

[Nov 30th ]

Out of the blue I told my Therapist that I am Asexual. Oddly I think it surprised her more than finding out that I am trans. She said that it's good I found a label that I fill fit's and that if I find comfort in it then thats good. She asked me why I wanted to label myself Ace

I think she was surprised because I had told her about some stuff before that might make it look like I'm Allo. But that was just my confusion of why I don't really look at people in that way when everyone else did. ||//TW//|| for the next part

Like I can't imagine letting someone sticking part of themself in me. It feels like that would be a major invasion of my body. I don't know though that's just how I feel

[Dec 1st 5:29]

I'm tired. Today my sensory issues didn't flare up until I got in the car. In the car my dad was talk extremely loud on the phone and the sun shown directly in my eyes. I'm better now. I never realized how much stuffed animals help me.

[Dec 2nd 2:10]

Why is it loud this is study space I want peace to work. I've been holding my plush dog the whole time and it helped but my head still feels bad.

[Dec 2nd 4:04pm]

The best friend a girl could ask for

Always listens

Always Comforting

Huggable

and soft.

I didn't realize how much I missed plushies I feel childish or dumb but having one with me helps me to function I don't know why I'm this way but I am and I don't know how to change that

[Dec 2nd 4:12pm]

Feeling better now. It took a bit for my head to feel better but after the crowd left I felt a little better and now I feel better than then so yeah. Sorry for clogging everyone's timeline with my childish behavior. And sorry to everyone who has to listen to me complain about

sensory stuff. You all are great I'm going to get back to working on the paper now.

*w*/

[Dec 2nd 4:27pm]

Uughh I don't want to go home I have to though Oh well I guess it's fine

[Dec 2nd 4:40]

I'm in a car and my father is very loud on the phone Dies he not understand does he not get It My mom understands but he is so loud The phone is so loud the car is bumpy At least lights the sun isn't shining bu still God. He's so loud

[Dec 2nd 8:37pm]

I had an episode I don't know I couldn't take it Today the sounds the lights I don't even remember what triggered it I completely shut down I couldn't Speak Move Respond All I could do was rock back and fourth clutching my plushies as tight as I could and listen to my

Music and smack my head into the arm of the couch It felt like an hour + I don't know what's wrong with me why am I like this. I couldn't find my tweezers they've been gone for 3 days It's hard for me to function my mental state is declining I I keep stuttering and shaking

I don't even know what's going on in my head Today I physically couldn't attend math I skipped it. I did because my brain was already over stimulated and when I tried to go outside the cold wind blew on me and almost pushed me over

I emailed my professor about my sensory issues and why I had been leaving early. After a while my mom asked if I went to math class and I said no. She says I'm not in trouble.

I want to ask about getting assessed for ASD and other things but I'm to afraid. What if they say no and think I'm stupid what if nobody believes me and I never get assessed. I know they read this but I want to be assessed so I can understand what is happening with me better

I have Autistic traits Ticks Sound sensitivity Visual sensitivity

[Dec 2nd 9:25pm]

My mom is nice but I think she read m tweet earlier and thinks depression is a major factor. I don't know I just want to know why my head is so. well not even foggy. Shattered, warped idk My counselor said we would do a sort of unofficial assessment to try and get a better idea

[Dec 2 9:53]

Im so sorry for tweeting so much about this but this is a place I can sort of vent so here it is This is what I feel like when my senses are overwhelmed I am so so sorry for constantly venting about this recently but it genuinely helps me to let out what I've been going through

[Dec 2nd 10:03pm]

Oh yeah I got my meningitis shot yesterday so I bet that is what made today the way it was. I would have had issues regardless but the tiredness thrown on top of it all would explain my inability to cope. I still do want to see about getting assessed because I still have stuff

[Dec 3rd 1:56pm]

y brain is much better today. I can feel the relief in my brain. Sounds and lights are still an issue but I my brain isn't fractured and my sensitivities aren't as extreme. I am no longer ill from my menengitis shot Some days are better than others I guess. I still have 3 math

lessons to finish and need to finish my paper but yeah I feel better today tired and drained but better. Yesterday I remember punching my PC case the floor and some other stuff out of, rage? I wasn't angry just aggressive well I hope you all have a good day post again soon bye

#Vent

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xiaq · 3 years

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Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

#purity culture #sex talk #christianity #sex and relationships #sex and religion #mylife #answered asks #aspec #cw sex

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starshipsofstarlord · 3 years

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Hey if requests are open can I ask one?

Can you do a bucky or stephen strange x reader where the reader falls under the ace spectrum and they are terrified to tell him that they are ace.

I'm ace (on the spectrum) and I've been struggling with forming romantic attachments and not feeling like "complete" or "enough" so I just felt this would be nice💕

If its convenient for you then please do this request

Thank you!

On the spectrum

Pairing | Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary | based on the request. I kinda made a little twist to it, so I hope that you like it. I am in no way saying that asexual people can only be with asexual folk, but I thought this might be cute, so I wrote it like this xx

Warnings | erection, mentions of sex, ^^

Quick link to my masterlist, if you’re interested in reading more of my crap 😬

Jolting up from your rest, your eyes widened as you get your weight lounging upon Bucky, eyes wide as felt an appendage of his jolting stiffly upon your inner thigh. It was a surprise, the pair of you, through the expanse of your short term relationship, had never had the conversation of sex, and a part of you wanted to avoid it at all costs. There was something that you needed to inform Bucky about, but you were wary of what his reaction could be.

You weren’t sure that he would understand, after all, back in the 40s he was known for his womanising reputation, and whilst you knew that you weren’t another loose fling that had no attachments, it was still a big deal to share the truth with him. Not only would it impend and possibly affect his view of a future with you, but it would promote a new side to you, that you hadn’t told many people about.

Nat knew, but that was only because years back, you had confided in her, confused about your lack of sexual attraction to anyone. She had been supportive, and prompted you to research online, to see if you were as she suggested, asexual. There were many perceptions of the sexuality, some people would still do the deed to keep their partner happy, and others swore off the act altogether.

It wasn’t that the thought and idea of sex grossed you out, in fact, you could understand that people did it to feel amounts of pleasure that came from nothing else. But the rouse of body parts brushing against the other, and slipping inside was not something that ever appealed to yourself. And then you met Bucky, and your perception of the ordeal remained the same; you weren’t blind, you knew Bucky was extremely attractive, however, there still seemed to be no pulse in your veins that was prompting you to jump his bones.

It wasn’t him, it was you, and that was more okay. There was nothing wrong with not having a desire to perform erotic acts with any partner, and more so than his appearance, you had fallen for not only Bucky’s heavenly appearance, but his soul. He had an old soul, that was a given, with all things considered. And that was what had first made you step towards the man that liked to be alone, and change his perception of that fact.

He was new to the team, Tony enjoyed picking fun at the man, who as he liked to say ‘hadn’t got any in eighty years’. Bucky hardly responded to Iron Man’s nit picks, ignoring them instead to settle the conflict in his eyes. Berating with Tony was off the table, and so were snarky remarks, otherwise the billionaire would remind him of his sins against the Stark family, although in foresight, he had just been carrying out orders.

A groan relented from the man beneath you as you uncomfortably shuffled, his cock clearly rubbing against your thigh. His sleep dazed eyes slowly peeled open, revealing the blue globes beneath that stared up at you. A furrow endorsed his features, as he came to realisation of what had you so frozen; he was hard, nothing in particular had turned him on, it was just his body’s way of rousing him from slumber, and apparently it had extracted you from your rest also.

He released his arms from around you, watching as you shyly rolled to the side, and glanced at him from out of the corner of your eye. He released a small and sorrowful smile as he glanced down to where the covers had lightly raised from his manhood, feeling guilty for how his body had reacted by itself. “Doll face I’m sorry, I didn’t- it just- ugh.” The man groaned, rubbing his face with his prosthetic hand as he tried to rid the dust from out from the corner of his eyes.

“It’s okay.” Your voice came across as meek, small to the elephant in the room. “Just I- there is something I should tell you.” You twiddled with your fingers, picking nervously at the hanging skin that had chipped its way partially off on your latest mission, that had required you to furiously try and peel a jammed car door open to get the family out. Bucky now focused all his attention on you rather than the uninvited presence of his little friend in the bedroom, his pupils sending you signals of warmth as if to tell you that whatever you were going to tell him next, he would remain here for you.

“I’m asexual, and I get that you aren’t and you probably want all of nothing in this relationship but-” You spoke, but quickly paused when you saw Bucky tilted his head, a clear frown creating a thin line through the middle of his forehead. “What is it, do you not want me or-“ he stopped you from speaking, reaching out to hold your hands, giving them a light comforting squeeze, before he happened to open his mouth to speak.

“Doll face.” That name made you gulp, afraid that it would be the last time that he addressed you in such a way. And if it were, then that emotional connection that you felt to him would be unwound, and set out to sea to float and turn under the waves. “Asexual.” He tested the word on his tongue, as he lightly nodded, for some reason the phrase feeling right upon his tongue. “Can you explain it to me, I don’t know what it is?”

Of course, he wouldn’t know what it is! It made sense, he was from the forties, where various sexualities were not explored, all because straight white men thought their opinions were inferior. Well now, everyone had the freedom to be who they wanted to, and could be attracted to whomever they pleased, as things should have always been. Brushing your hand through your hair, thinking of holding onto the locks for dear life as you felt your nerves persevere, and spur in your membrane.

“It’s where someone does not experience sexual thoughts or feelings, towards anyone. Their thoughts are primarily romantic, and that’s how I feel. I do love you Buck, but I’m not sexually attracted to you, and I understand if that is a deal breaker for you. Not everyone wants to be put on a sex ban for the entirety of their relationship, but for me, it’s not like that at all, instead it’s more so I find the little moments to be more intimate than intercourse.”

“Y/n... I, not to jump the gun, but I’ve been feeling the same way.” Bucky slowly spoke, making your eyes dart up to his guilty expression. “I guess eighty years on ice will make you think about the things that are more important, and you are the most important person to me, and I guess if we neither of us have any desire to have sex, then me and you are supposed to work.”

It was surely a surprise, but he had contained his emotions, thinking that even when Tony pried at him for his lack of involved affections, he felt ashamed, as though there was something wrong with him. But it appeared as this day and age was far more fitting for this version of him, the one that had endured the battles against aliens and his own friends.

“I’m sure we’d have found a way to sort your needs out even if you weren’t asexual.” It felt strange for him to hear himself described with that word, but it felt right. “And look, it’s gone down.” You laughed lightly, resting against his chest once more as he let out a breathy laugh, and cuddled you to his chest. “I’m with you for you Buck, I love every part of you. And I think, maybe we should move out of the compound and get a place together, maybe downtown?”

“Really?” His eyes lit up like a Christmas tree, shining with festive luminescence. “You want that, with me?” You humbly nodded, pressing a kiss upon his cheek as you inhaled his scent. His hands dipped to your waist, holding you that bit tighter. He was never going to let you go, no matter who was what, or what was who. The two of you were y/n and Bucky, and you got through anything.

That way, leaving these Stark white four walls behind, Stark himself could not pry at the soldier, nor make jokes about his lack of sexual affection. The two of you were complete with the truth wading between you, there was to be no dwelling or worrying about the other thought, because you both understood.

#bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #bucky oneshot #bucky imagine #bucky barnes one shot #bucky barnes imagines #bucky barnes request #bucky barnes reader insert #bucky reader insert #bucky request #sebastian stan fluff #Bucky Barnes x reader fluff #imagines #imagine #xreader #marvel x reader

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angelicamerlinbarnes · 3 years

Text

Being asexual is...

or, an amusing and devastating vent list.

(DISCLAIMER: These are based on my own experiences as a sex-repulsed asexual and no one else's. I'm hoping this can help some of my fellow aces feel seen and my wonderful allo allies to better understand our identities as asexual people. ^-^ Love y'all. Be kind. <3)

Being asexual is just being confused about why everybody is laughing at the number 69

Being asexual is saying “I’m just admiring their outfit” and ACTUALLY just admiring their outfit

Being asexual is reading the summer reading book and having a breakdown at 2 a.m. cause you’re taking an AP class and the book has mature content

Being asexual (and not aromantic in this case, but I see y’all and i love you ;)) is saying “pan” or “bi” or “omni” but never the second half of the word because it just feels fucking wrong (just realized I always said I was bi instead of bisexual because even my mouth knew I was ace before my brain did ✌🏻)

Being asexual is scrolling through the asexual tag on Tumblr because you need validation you won’t get from any fandom or family you’re in

Being asexual is turning the national average age for people to start having sex and waiting for all your friends and partner(s) to leave you because you just aren’t good enough

Being asexual is watching ten episodes of COMMUNITY in a row because you want to be Abed Nadir

Being asexual is identifying with Shaggy Rogers of Scooby Doo above all else

Being asexual is looking at Newt Scamander and Five Hargreeves and Sam Winchester and Jughead Jones and Hiccup Haddock III and Spencer Reid and Severus Snape and Remus Lupin and Luna Lovegood and Alice Kingsley and going, “Oh. Me.”

Being asexual is loving dragons

Being asexual is not looking at your own body when you shower because gross

Being asexual is loving romance books but not being able to read any because they all have one of Those Scenes™ in them

Being asexual is not wanting to be put on meds you’ve needed for years because you’re scared they’ll give you a sex drive

Being asexual is feeling uncomfortable enjoying fanworks the same way everybody else does because That Stuff™ shows up everywhere without warning

Being asexual is owning seventeen different pairs of heels but not wanting to wear them because people tell you it will make your butt look bigger

Being asexual is avoiding an entire section of the mall just because it has a Victoria’s Secret in it

Being asexual is ranting about the fashion industry surrounding junior girls because they think bralettes are shirts and speedos are shorts so you only shop in the boys’ section now

Being asexual is being afraid to go to colleges with fraternities

Being asexual is wishing you lived in Wonderland

Being asexual is being angry at Riverdale

Being asexual is struggling with/hating anime because they shove boobs into everything and you just don’t wanna see that, you don’t

Being asexual is not being able to listen to the same songs you loved when you were young because you understand them now

Being asexual is knowing, deep down in your heart, that the queer parts of fandom and media don’t want you

Being asexual is the most beautiful, precious, lovely, amazing, brave thing that you will ever do and I am so, so proud of all of you for doing it every, single, day. You are my heroes and I love you all more than I can say. Please never forget how magical you are. Please never stop fighting for who you are. Please never give up trying to be more you.

You are wonderful. Please know that.

#asexual #sex repulsed #not all characters mentioned are canonically asexual by the way #(i wish)#i've just always seen them that way #lgbtqia+#be kind #listen #hugs <3 #i hope you all are doin' alright #i know life's been rough #but hang in there okay?#i love you <3 #have a nice day y'all #you're the most amazing thing you'll ever be :) never forget that

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graylinesspam · 3 years

Text

In honor of Ace week, I think we should have some hard truths.

I've been exploring my sexuality since I was probably about 7. When my parents explained what lesbians were (to explain why my aunt had a wife) and I started asking myself if I thought the girls I saw on TV we're pretty.

I had decided no I didn't think they were especially pretty and that was that until puberty hit. At which point I realised that there wasn't really any difference in the way I saw girls and boys. I came out as Bi in the 7th grade. I never experienced so much as a scoff. Even living in the very conservative town I was I found a whole slew of other queer kids to support me. My parents didn't even blink at the news.

I have been very lucky to have never experienced biphobia.

When I went through my gender crisis. Twice technically. The first time in the 8th grade when I started experiencing dysphoria and talked with my parents about it. My very straight very cis parents suggested I might be trans and should look into it. I was really intimidated by the thought but "tried it on" for a weekend. I used anboys name, dressed masculinity and out on fake facial hair. (I was 12 and a half cut me some slack) but I didn't feel like a boy so I chalked it up to body insecurities and started working on my self esteem. Again my parents were very helpful.

By the time I was a junior with the self-esteem of a bitch in a manic episode I realized that I still didn't feel connected with my body. That things besides sexist stereotypes still made me feel gross and I really didn't like a lot of things about being female. So I did the gender crisis thing all over again but this time with a supportive lgbt+ society to hold my hand. I came out as nonbinary (agender) and I received all of one dipshit remark from some redneck biitch in my history class. To which I very seriously responded "chick or not your girlfriends still sucked my face off during prom". That was before they were together for the record.

But being ace. That I ignored for a long time. I had some grasp of the fact that I just wasn't motivated to do anything with anyone else. I had been out for 5 years and had two very temporary girlfriends. I never had the knee jerk sexual thoughts that everyone esplee talked about. I wasn't interested in dating really. I made a shit partner. And both my girlfriends told be they didn't feel like I was attracted to them. The first suggested I might be straight.

I wasn't against s*x but high schoolers always want to do it in the most convoluted way. Before their of legal age, or somewhere on campus, or in someone's car, or literally out in front of their friends. In their parents house when their parents were very against it. I thought all of that was pretty stupid. I didn't want to get in trouble over something as dumb as having sex some way I shouldn't. So I just didn't. And if confused a lot of people when i asked why they would. "Because I wanted to have sex/ I didn't care if we got caught/ it was worth getting in trouble" etc.

I tried to force myself to date/get intimate with people but it always just felt kind of gross. Like tbh other people's mouths are like /wet/ and I just feel like I'm getting a messy cheek kiss from my grandma with her dentures out.

But I didn't want to look into asexual. I didn't want to read about it or consider it because it felt like giving up. I wanted to date and get married and fall in love and have sex and everything you're supposed to do to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Admitting that I was ace (and aro) felt like submitting myself to isolation. And honestly, it kind of was.

I've received some pretty nasty comments from lesbians about my sexuality. I've been asked to leave queer spaces that I occupied for more than six years. I've had someone ask about my gender identity and only admit I'm part of the community because I'm trans. I've been called inhumane. I've had people tell me it's just nerves from being a virgin. I've had people offer to "treat me real nice" so I wouldn't be scared anymore. And I've received minimuml support from the community.

A few kind bi and trans people go out of their way to insist we are part of the community but when it comes to actually talking about the queer experience or looking for comfort when my queerness makes me feel alone I've had all of 1 other ace reach out to help me. They were younger than me.

I have found more ace people (here on Tumblr and very much by accident) but I feel jaded by the comments I've been afraid to reach out unless someone else does it first. I think we as the Ace community need to do better. I think we need to become more active with each other and talk about our experiences more. I know it's scary. I know I'm not the only one who's been bitched at by others in the community. But I'm tired of feeling alone and I know the baby aces are too. We can ask the larger community to do better till we're blue in the face but we need to do it first. We need to support each other. Our sister aros too

Thank you.

#asexual #ace #aromantic #aro #lgbtqia #lgbt #allies #ace week #happy ace week!

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themysteriousauthor18 · 4 years

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So I saw this post, and I thought the idea was really cool. Truth be told I am a wee bit uncomfortable with seeing Alastor being sexual, but that's just because I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum. But that's just my personal opinion, but I do like the idea of regular Angel dropping into an AU were Alastor is a pimp.

I think it be cute and funny to see Angel’s reaction to this version of Alastor.

So being somewhat of a writer I couldn't help myself but try to write a one-shot of this. Hope you'll enjoy it. I don't really know anything else of how Angel got there or what the rest of the word is like in terms of the hotel or anything so, I'm just relying on my own head cannons for that and going off the artwork.

Artist of work above:

@staticapplesin

Normally waking up, for Angel Dust, would always involve something that was the cause of disturbing his sleep in the first place. In the past, it had been his regular johns that left or the pain they inflicted on the night prior. But recently it was either Vaggie yelling in the lobby or the princess of hell herself knocking on his door. And sometimes if he was unlucky, it would be Valentino calling.

Those were the wost.

But this morning, when Angel awoke, he heard something he thought he'd never hear.

Silence.

It had taken him a few moments to register that it was in fact quiet in his room. And he assumed that perhaps he'd woken up in the night again and that was the reasoning. But the small bit of hells light peaking through his blinds and into his room suggested otherwise. It was always a little brighter out when it was daylight out in Hell.

His room was still a little dark though because of the blinds. And as Angel sat up he couldn't help but notice another thing.

It smelled weird.

Not weird in the sense that the room was old, hadn't been tended two in who knows how long. Or even that mild odor that always lingered. That would always make Angel's nose scrunch up.

No, it smelled....sweet? Almost like strawberries.

Unable to lay there a minute longer Angel pushed himself up in his bed. Finding that it was more comfortable than usual. Something didn't feel right..something felt, off.

He pressed the ball of his palm to his forehead as he squeezed his eyes shut. Realizing his head did hurt just enough to call it a headache. Was he hungover? A fever dream maybe?

Angel pushed the thought aside, he was too tired for this shit. He needed food at the very least. And if the hotel was quiet? Well, it just meant he could ease this headache away until Vaggie woke up trying to chew his head off.

Pushing off the bed, Angel's feet stepped over anything that could be cluttering the floors per usual. Although nothing did. As he opened the door to his bedroom, allowing the hallway light to fill his room he briefly caught his pig sleeping in his bed in front of his own.

When had he'd bought nuggets that?

Another stray thought to be pushed aside.

With his head hurting too much and his eyes heavy with the aftermath of sleep, he failed to notice the decor and layout of the building he was in. Heading down the hall to the left, he did not come to stairs but just into a decently sized living room.

As he rubbed his eyes, taking in the room he realized this wasn't the hotel.

"Musta ended up at someone's house.." He reasoned himself with. But that didn't explain fat nuggets being in that room. Or the lack therefor of a random john.

He didn't care right now. At the very least he needed coffee. His feet managed to carry him over to the kitchen separated only by the counters. Something that actually looked better than it sounded.

Tired mismatched eyes looked around for the coffee machine. As they landed on the pink and white-colored machine there was a small sticky note attached to the front of it. He leaned in, his squinting at the note to read it.

'Hey, Angie I know you'll be a little tired after last night. Shit was wild! I gotta head out because some of us have boring jobs. But I prepped the coffee just press the button. See you later, have fun. Good luck ;) '

Angel knit his brows at the note. So he was at Cherri's house? That explained things a little better. But he didn't see how her job was boring. The headache was probably due to last night. Whatever had happened.

He looked over the six buttons on the top of the coffee machine. Finally, pressing the 'begin brewing' button, he sighed in relief.

As he leaned against the opposite counter of the coffee machine he crossed his arms. He glanced down at himself briefly, noting he was still in his usual suit. One of which was a little torn in some places. None of them looked to be claw marks though, rather...burn marks.

The spider settled for holding off any questions until he got his caffeine. He closed his eyes once again, ignoring the mild pounding of his head. So much so that he was practically deaf to the footsteps coming near him.

And with the beeping of the coffee machine Angel's eyes jolted open once again. But as his gaze wandered, in the corner of his eye something caught his attention. He turned his head in that direction and immediately stumbled back, falling into the floor.

Out of everything that could ever happen in his afterlife. Seeing the radio demon, standing in front of him in only his boxers was certainly not something he expected.

His face burned with the color red. Okay, this had to be a fever dream now. There was no way Alastor would even come close enough to allowing something like this.

Angel remained on the floor, staring at the redhead. The demon in question only remained leaning his arm on the wall as he looked at Angel as if he were the crazy one.

"I'm surprised to see you up," the demon paused. His eyes tracing up and down Angel's body for a moment. "And fully dressed at that."

His voice...what happened to his voice?! There was no radio filter on it at all. He just sounded, normal. But to Angel, it sounded weird.

A million thoughts raced through Angel's head as he continued to stare at the redhead. The deer demon rolled his eyes pushing off the wall, and as he approached his hand moved prompting Angel to immediately cover his face.

He waited for something, anything. To be punished for whatever he'd done yesterday because dammit he couldn't remember!

But none of that happened.

"Angel darling, what are you doing?" Came Alastor's confused voice. And with the lack of a radio filter, he could actually hear the confusion in it.

Slowly Angel opened an eye, still finding that confused smile. At least he was still smiling, otherwise, he may have lost his sanity entirely. "Come on now, you can’t stay there all day." A laugh escaped him although it hardly sounded like Alastor's laugh. "Unless you'd rather go again?"

Go again? What?

Angel took Alastor's hand, assuming that this was Alastor and Angel hadn't finally gone insane.

With ease, the redhead pulled Angel up. It seemed his physical strength was still there. He watched the redheads eyes scan his body again. When had he ever looked anywhere but his face?

"What are you wearing?" He heard the man ask. Angel wasn't looking at him. He couldn't. "This certainly isn't one of my works. Well, so long as you change once we head to work."

We?

‘My works’?

"I can't have my darling wearing something as hideous as that." Angel huffed, he actually liked his suit. It was one of the first things he'd gotten from Valentino once arriving in hell. Back when the man wasn't using him as a punching bag.

Angel finally chanced a glance at Alastor who was pouring the coffee. The longer Angel stared, the redder his face got. The colors going even as far as the pink on his chest.

He's shirtless. He's pants-less! He's almost fucking naked!

His thoughts ran wild, and when Alastor looked over his shoulder he couldn't help the blood suddenly leaking from his nose. (He has a nose it's just very very tiny and hidden.) He turned away, trying to cover it.

All the while the redhead looked at him, confused but amused all the same.

"You are acting very strange today. I don’t think I’ve seen you that red since our first meeting." He said as he added some milk into Angel's coffee before handing it to the spider.

Still holding his hand over his bleeding nose, Angel took the cup but refused to look anymore at Alastor. He heard the redhead humming in front of him.

"Sorry to leave the bed this morning but you usually take very long to wake up." A low chuckle. "Not that I blame you."

Angel choked on his coffee. His heart was racing in his chest and ears. This wasn't real right? And if it was, what the fuck happened.

"I have to say though--" he heard Alastor beside him suddenly and the soft clank of a coffee cup being placed down. Before he knew it a claw was guiding his chin over to the redheads gaze. The look in his eyes, was that..lust?

"--While waking up to you in clothes is certainly a surprise." He pulled the spiders face closer. "I like you better without them."

Without much of a warning, the deer's lips were pressed hard against his. Angel's eyes grew wide as the gears tried to process it. But when the demon's tongue slipped into his mouth the gears broke.

Angel was stiff against the kiss as Alastor pulled back leaving a red-faced spider. His eyes curiously searched Angel's as he wiped a strain of saliva from Angel's agape mouth.

"Strange, that little trick usually has you back in bed with me for at least another hour." Before Angel could question anything the redhead's hand pulled away, claw lingered there teasingly.

"Well, if you wish to head to work earlier today than that is fine. I do have a few things I need to get done at the studio. Unfortunately, the day after New Year doesn't grant us the day off."

Alastor called, as he walked off towards the room Angel had woken up in. As he nonchalantly disappeared into that room Angel just stared.

He stared as his head pounded in pain at trying to process everything that had just happened.

"What the fuck.."

I think I'm going to end it there. I honestly don't know what to think when writing pimp Alastor. Also with the morning scene I wasn’t implying that Angel is dating Alastor but rather (since Alastor is in Valentino’s place) that Alastor fools around with whoever he pleases. This includes Angel Dust. And safe to say it isn't the first time Alastor’s slept with Angel dust in that Au (Again just my personal head cannon.)

There were a few things I had to just guess on, since he's filling in the spot for Valentino I wasn't sure if he had his radio voice anymore. Or his shadows? I knew for a fact that he probably didn't care about walking around in his boxers but I wasn't sure if he had some humility of walking around just newd. Also, I wasn't sure my mild asexual heart could write that and not die with Angel.

Thanks for reading!

#radiodust #angel dust #alastor #au #pimp alastor #oneshots #fanfiction

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slyther-bi · 3 years

Text

Chapter 4

Chapter Characters: Severus Snape, Female OC, Evan Rosier, James Potter, Sirius Black, and Lily Evans

Severus's mind filled with voices, so many that it was hard to tell what they were saying. He's dealt with these voices before, they normally speak to him one by one but sometimes they all start speaking at once and it causes him such great stress. These voices always tell him the same thing to give in to the darkness, to end it all but he never listens to them cause Lily is always there for him, she makes the voices go away simply by being near.

Tho she isn't the only person who could keep the voices away by being in his presence, no there was another person who could rid the voices from within his head. "Severus" well speak of the devil and he shall appear. Severus looked up tears streaming down his face, the voices that had filled his mind completely vanished at the sound of his savior's voice. "Evan" Sev said softly and quickly stood up "You came" he added as he practically threw himself into Evan's arms. Evan wrapped his arms around Severus and smiled "Of course I did, you said you needed help" he spoke softly. Severus's mind was at a complete blank, he had forgotten everything that had happened minutes before Evan had arrived. Sev always seemed to forget about his panic attacks when either Evan or Lily showed up, for some reason they both made him forget about everything that happened before their arrival.

"Oh yeah" He said quietly and removed himself from Evan. "So is everything alright?" Evan asked as he was still concerned about his friend, Severus smiled "Yup, I had what Lily calls a panic attack but it's fine now. Oh I got a surprise! Come Come!" He said excitedly and practically ran inside the house. Evan followed him inside all his worries having faded away the minute Severus smiled. The pair headed to Severus's room where a certain little girl was sleeping in. Once they reached their destination Severus slowly opened his bedroom door and quietly stepped inside, Evan followed suit and slowly entered the room "So what exactly is the surprise?" He asked in a whisper sensing that it be wise to not make a sound. Severus walked towards his bed and smiled "I have a little girl!" He shouted out in a whisper excitedly as he pointed at the little girl who was fast asleep.

Evan stared at the girl in complete shock "How the hell did you get a kid?" He questioned. "One night stand" Severus said quickly, Evan knew for a fact that that was a lie. The girl looked nothing like Severus and as far as he was concerned Sev never had any interest in any sexual activities. Sev always told him that sex was a waste of time and that he never saw the appeal in it anyways, later in their friendship Severus had declared he was asexual something that Regulus had brought up during conversation. Severus had also declared he was aromantic the very next day after he had spoken to Lily, now he was trying to figure out why his friend would lie about having sexual relations with a random woman. If Severus ever had to sleep with a girl Evan was certain Sev would sleep with Lily or her Sister, tho Severus and Petunia aren't exactly friends but they're civil to one another. Evan can tell that the little girl looked nothing like the Evans sisters, and the idea of Severus getting drunk and having a fling was out of the question. Severus never felt comfortable with drinking anywhere except within his own home and only drank when he was alone, on some occasions he'll drink with friends but he'll never drink any hard liquor.

"So did this chick just leave her in front of your house?" Evan asked, he wanted to know how Severus really obtained the girl but he knew Severus would never tell him. "Her mom died, she wrote in her will that I would gain custody so the cops brought her here" Severus said, he knew Evan wasn't believing a single word he was saying and to be fair he didn't care. The only reason he was saying such obvious lies is because Evan has no clue that he's Nevermore and he wasn't going to tell him anytime soon. "What's her name?" Evan asked, his mind still trying to figure out why Severus had this girl in the first place "Her name is Clair, tho I might get it changed I haven't decided yet" Severus said happily "I know you don't believe me but that's the story you're gonna tell people when they ask why I have a kid, okay" He added as he turned to look at Evan. "Okay" was all Evan said, he had a hard time saying no to Severus when staring into his eyes.

"So what is it that you need?" Evan asked "Everything that declares her as mine" Severus said in a serious tone. Evan nodded and the minute he did so there was banging on the front door that caused Severus to flinch violently "Oh god I'm gonna die" Sev said quickly and carefully picked up Clair and ran into the bathroom "Make them go away" He said as he locked the bathroom door. Evan shook his head and exited out of the room making his way towards the front door. The banging on the door continued which seemed to make Evan angry, he grabbed the door handle and forcefully opened the door "What!!" He shouted out angrily. "Where is he?" James said with just as much anger "I'm not telling you a damn thing until you calm down" Evan said as he crossed his arms. James sighed heavily and forced himself to relax "Where's Severus?" He asked as calmly as possible "Upstairs in his room in the bathroom, you got ten minutes to talk before I kick you out" Evan said as he stepped aside to let James in.

"Alright" James said as he stepped inside and made his way to Severus's room. Once there He stepped inside and looked around "Severus we need to talk" He said loud enough for him to hear but not enough to startle him. James heard movement and the bathroom door swung open "Hi Jamie" Severus said cheerfully as ever "What brings you here?" He asked jokingly. "Where's the kid Severus?" James said in a tired voice "What kid?" Severus questioned which caused James to groan. "The little girl Severus, you took her after you killed her parents and then you sent me a picture with the caption Fuck the Police" James said quickly "Hehe that was funny, she's in the bathroom I was giving her a bath because I forgot why I ran in there. Imma keep her and name her Yulia" Severus said excitedly while giggling softly.

"You can't keep her!" James shouted out "But I wanna have a kid!! I want her to be my kid!!" Severus shouted out with tears forming in his eyes "She needs to go to an orphanage Sev, you can adopt her later" James said hoping to keep Severus from crying, last time he made Sev cry Lily was practically poisoning him when he was in the hospital after being shot by a thief. Luckily Severus forgot about the incident and was confused as to why Lily was killing him so she stopped. "But I already have her!!" James watched as tears fell from Severus's eyes and before he could say anything to calm him down he felt a dark presence behind him. James slowly turned and came face to face with a very angry Lily "Hey Lily" he said slowly as his body filled with fear "L-Lily" Severus said sadly as he cried softly.

Lily glared at James and rushed over to her best friend "Hush now Sev" She said softly as she hugged Severus. Her attention soon returned to James "I think it's time for you to go" She said and snapped her fingers. James gulped unsure of what was gonna happen next but that was soon answered when he felt someone grab hold of him and drag him out of the house harshly. He felt himself get thrown out the front door and land on the cold hard pavement "So this is you handling the situation" James looked up to see Sirius smirking. "Shut up" James said as he stood up and dusted himself off "Dude you are terrible at talking to Severus, seriously you'd think you learn how to keep him from crying after last time" Sirius said while laughing.

"He won't give up the girl, says he wants to keep her but when I told him that he could adopt her he said no cause he already had her" James said softly "He really wants a kid huh, sucks that it won't be her" Sirius stated

"What do you mean it won't be her?"

"James we found out the girl's has a Aunt who lives in America, once we get her back that's where she's going. Severus won't see her again" Sirius said softly which caused James to sigh deeply "There's no way that Severus will give her up. What do we do now?" James spoke as he turned to look at Severus's home. "We let him keep her and fake the girl's death, I know someone who can help" Sirius said excitedly "So help me god if you call your brother for help I will-" James started but was interrupted "End me uh huh sure, don't get pissy cause my brother dumped you for someone better now come on let's go home and figure out how to keep Lily from poisoning you again" Sirius stated and grabbed hold of James before making his way back to their home. James sighed and allowed his best friend to drag him back home hoping for the day to end.

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ajokeformur-ray · 3 years

Note

Thank you, I hope I won't be too much of a bother! I was looking into various sources looking for the answers but found none and in the end I got even more confused. And you seem to be much more relatable because of your relationship with Joker since I have my f/o too and I consider him very attractive... But when it comes to real people it's not appealing in the slightest for me. People are always like: oh no, I haven't had sex in a year, I don't know how much longer I can stay like that and when I hear it it's simply ridiculous for me. Personally I haven't had sex since the day I was born and I'm in mid-20s and I literally never felt the need to meet with someone for that? No offence to people who do, everyone has their lives but for me it's like they're being dramatic, I completely can't relate. Everything is always about sex and people keep talking about how important it is and how everyone needs it and how abstinence is so difficult but it's really not. I mean, I realize the urges my body has but I don't think I'd want to get intimate with another person in real life. But when it comes to my f/o I wouldn't hesitate a second lol! Could it mean I'm being asexual or just not participating in this kind of life. Those were supposed to be questions but apparently there's only one, anyways. What is your opinion?

Hello, nonnie!🥰🥰💖

First of all, I want to apologise for the fact that it’s been a while since you sent this in, and I’m so sorry to have kept you waiting so long for a response!!!💗 Secondly, you’re very welcome and you’re never a bother! My inbox is always open to anyone who wants to vent or ask for advice (hell, even give advice if the need strikes!) or ask for comfort or anything hasdfghjkl thank you so much for reaching out before sending this in, I really appreciate the consideration!💝 Hopefully my response contains something you need to hear, and I really am so sorry that it’s so late!💘

I’m so sorry that research only gave you more questions than what they answered.😩 Sexuality is a very subjective thing and there are many nuances within it because it’s fluid, which means that one person’s experience won’t fully align with someone else’s. While that’s wonderful, it also makes searching for answers feel like pulling teeth, and I’m so sorry that you only got more confused!😔 I want you to know and to remember that you’re valid, no matter what!💜

To be quite honest, I identify with everything you’ve said here and I see a lot of myself in your ask. When I was in school, I used to have the mentality of “if you’re not [character], then don’t look at me. Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me. Leave me alone, I’m not interested”, and that should have been my tip off that I was not only asexual, but aromantic, too. I didn’t work it out until I was eighteen, though, and I’ve never been happier.🥰 Whenever I heard people at work say, “I haven’t had sex for [amount of time], I feel like I’m gonna [exaggeration here]”, I used to have to stop myself from eye-rolling, because it just seemed so ridiculous and I didn’t understand what they were so hooked up on, so I do understand darling and I agree!!! It feels to me like people who say these things are being dramatic too, though I do have to actively remind myself that not everyone feels the way that I do and I try to have an open mind about it. Just because it’s not my thing, doesn’t mean it’s not someone else’s. It’s a struggle, though, because like you, I just don’t relate at all and it’s really hard for me to understand where people are coming from. I always imagine it to be like craving chocolate cake every single day until you just want it... but you’re not able to eat some at the moment so you just keep wanting it, and the craving intensifies. That’s how I envision it (because I’d rather have cake than sex any day of the week) though I may be wrong, because I’ve never experienced sexual attraction towards someone who wasn’t fictional before.

I feel the same way that you do - my body has its urges but in real life, I would never want to be intimate with someone else, and that’s okay! You’re valid, angel, and there’s nothing wrong at all with wanting to have that with your F/O. I’m the same way - I’d have sex with Joker in a heartbeat if he asked me (because consent is sexy) but in real life, I once climbed out of a bathroom window to avoid the same scenario! (That’s not a joke - I did actually do that.😂 He was trying to coerce me into what I’d already said no to, so I excused myself to the bathroom and left.) So I do understand, and I think that in the end, you’re the only one who can say whether you’re asexual or not. It could be that you’re demi-sexual, wherein sexual attraction to an individual requires an emotional connection, but remember that sexuality is fluid so it might be different from one day to the next. It’s a spectrum, not neat little boxes, and the beauty of it is that you get to decide! My opinion on this is based on the fact that I relate so much to the things you’ve discussed with me here so for that reason, I would say you’re asexual.

Either way, my love, you’re valid and I hope that you’re safe and well, and that something here was helpful to you! I’m sending you lots of love!💖💖💖

#asexual #aromantic #thoughts #advice

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nerdygaymormon · 4 years

Note

I'm... scared... of your blog. It goes against a whole lot of what I was taught to believe and follow growing up. But, at the same time, I've been hurt deeply by that... doctrine... and I've only just begun to see and understand the extent of that damage. So... what if this is what my wounded and weeping soul has been searching for... since I can't pick up any "official text" without having a violent physical reaction that is drowning in pain and fear? 1/?

I can't even get near a chapel or temple without reacting. And I can't bring myself to confide in any of my local bishopric or ward members. As a result, I've been suffering alone. I know I need therapy because this is some deep, messed up shit, but I have not been able to find a compassionate professional and I'm not want to continue the search. I've neither the funds nor the energy. 2/?

I'm 34yo born and raised in the Church. Three years ago I experienced something that made me question heavily whether Gd still loved me because I for sure felt damned. And that event caused the floodgates to open, I suppose. I've not been active for years due to chronic illness and being treated like some sort of sub-human because of my disability. I used to maintain a current temple recommend but not anymore. 3/?

I think I'm asexual. And the more and more I think about this, the more and more it explains some aspects of me that I thought were broken. (No desire to date as a teen, no feelings of sexual attraction to anyone, confusion about terms like "infatuation" and "crush", confused and disgusted by sex and the world's obsession with it.) But, at the same time, the more and more I grew to like this term, the worse my feeling of being Rejected by Gd became. 4/?

But, even before I adopted the term, I began to feel unwanted and damned because of a history of attempted molestation at 5 years old and being taught that I was 'chewed gum' amongst other doctrines that insisted that my every decision and move was responsible for the sexual purity of the male mind. I felt violated in almost everything that I wore that I felt "pretty" in because I was under the belief I was a walking sin. 5/?

I say I'm scared of your blog... yet I read through several posts last night, body shaking and nauseous with fear and guilt. And here I am, unloading in your askbox because I'm so desperate for someone to talk to who won't judge me like I've been judged all my life. The last time I went to church, I ran out of Sacrament in tears, hyperventilating in my car for several minutes. I have not been back since. 6/?

I want to believe that I'm still loved. I want to believe that I'm still wanted. There is a vicious war going in within me, complicated by chronic and mental illness, that I've lost my sensitivity concerning Gd. I can't tell if or when He's talking to me because the constant anxiety, fear and pain drown out the more 'subtle' emotions. And the maladaptive coping mechanisms I've developed likely don't help either... 7/?

Thank you for listening... if you have anything insightful that you think might help, I'd like to read it. (I hope all these messages stayed anonymous...) 8/8

———————————————————————

Wow, the feels. You said so much. I recognize you’re in a hard place.

—————————

Don’t worry, you managed to stay anonymous. I know when sending multiple asks it’s to forget to push the anon option.

—————————

Congrats on figuring out you are asexual (ace).

I think discovering a lack of something is difficult. There’s all these hints along the way but then once you figure it out, it all makes sense, everything fits.

Don’t be afraid to change your labels. We use words to describe how we understand ourselves. If the way you understand yourself changes, it’s fine to change your labels.

—————————

Having a chronic illness can be difficult, it can take over a life as you organize things around it. Having a disability also can be challenging, especially if it’s one that is visible to others because they often view you as your disability.

The thing is, you have a personality that wants to be displayed, I can tell that just from these messages you sent me. As people spend time with you and get to know you, they will start seeing you and not your disability.

—————————

Things that you described about your feelings and reactions make me believe therapy would help. I’m no mental health professional, but I wonder if you have have the symptoms of PTSD (church caused you trauma) and an anxiety disorder.

If you have insurance that will cover some sessions, look for a provider that takes your insurance. If you don’t, I know that therapy can be expensive.

About 2 years ago I needed to see a therapist and I checked at my local university. They had a psychological services clinic where Ph.D. students could gain experience, so the price was reduced, and my therapy was overseen by professors who are up-to-date in their field.

If you can’t get to therapy now, and if you want to go to church, it helps a lot to have someone you know that can go with you, like a security blanket. It makes it less scary to enter that space.

If you don’t have someone like that, try contacting the missionaries, explain you haven’t been to church in a while but want to come back. They will be so happy to greet you in the lobby and have you sit with them. And if you want, they will introduce you around to others.

—————————

Tbh, I was very surprised at how you describe my blog. I didn’t realize someone would view it the way you did.

It’s true that I think our church is wrong on LGBTQIA+ topics. This is because of a few things:

1) I feel the spirit let me know that God loves me as I am, a gay man, and that I’m not broken. This is how I’m meant to be.

2) What we learn about our Heavenly Parents and how they love us and are fair and just, and they treat us the same and view humankind as alike. I can’t believe they would set up a whole group of their children to fail and not have a path to return to them.

3) Jesus stood with those who were on the margins, He spent time lifting others and taught us that real religion is helping others, especially those who are downtrodden and on the margins.

4) The Church doesn’t show LGBTQIA+ people as a part God’s Plan. The Church doesn’t know what to do with us. And it’s not a good space for queer people so most LGBTQIA+ members leave. This is not good fruit and it’s not what I think God would want, for whole groups of people to not feel welcomed.

I don’t reject the principles of the gospel, I want them to apply to all of us, even me, a gay man, and even you, an asexual woman. We are beautiful, we have a purpose, we deserve to be accepted and have joy.

I guess that is rebellious and dangerous because it challenges the Church’s narrative about people like you and me.

I let people in church tell me terrible things and for so long I believed them. I don’t anymore.

Refusing the shame that church gives us as queer people, that’s radical. Church is supposed to help us be better, not wear us down.

You can love yourself and be happy as ace. This is part of how God made you, you don’t have to deny this is how you experience life.

—————————

What are your goals? What kind of person do you want to be? What do you want your life to be like?

My psychologist used to have me write what I would like my life to be like, and then we made goals to start doing those.

You are capable of change.

This is your life.

God has given you talents. We’re not supposed to hide them under a bushel. Work on developing them and developing yourself.

You are your own longest investment. Investing in yourself is a gift to the world, it’s how we develop ourselves and increases our capacity to help others.

—————————

I hope you feel I understood what you were trying to say to me.

I also hope I gave you some things to think about, to ponder, and figure out what feels right to you.

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tolkien-fandom-history · 6 years

Text

Interview with Jenny Dolfen

Much thanks to acclaimed artist Jenny Dolfen for doing this Tolkien-fandom-history interview!

Jenny is a German artist and illustrator. Her art is well known and much admired in the Tolkien fandom. She won the inaugural Tolkien Society award in the category "best artwork" in 2014, for her watercolour “Eärendil the Mariner" and is nominated for that award again this year for her artwork "The Hunt."

Jenny also published a book of her art in 2016. “Songs of Sorrow and Hope” contains sketches and full color artwork dating from 2003-2013. The book includes many of her Tolkien inspired works as well as works inspired by fantasy, mythology and Jenny’s own work “The Rhyddion Chronicles.” It is available in her Etsy store.

Jenny's art can be found on her web page https://goldseven.wordpress.com/galleries/tolkien/ as well as her Etsy page https://www.etsy.com/shop/JennyDolfen and her Patreon site https://www.patreon.com/jennydolfen

She does YouTube tutorials as well--it's fascinating to watch her creations come to life in the videos. https://m.youtube.com/user/GoldSeven/videos

Jenny can also be found here on tumblr @goldseven

(Interview by @maedhrosrussandol)

TFH: When did you originally become involved in Tolkien fandom?

Jenny: I’ve been a Tolkien fan for most of my life (my mother introduced me to the Hobbit when I was six), but I didn’t know there were any other Tolkien fans until I discovered the Internet in the early 2000s.

TFH: What was your initial experience with the online fandom? Did the advent of the LOTR movies have an effect on you?

Jenny: I have treated and still treat the books and the movies as two very different things. The movies interest me as much as any movie I enjoy; the books are a major part of my life. I encountered the Silmarillion fandom around 2003, and above all, was amazed by the fact that there were people who had read it (I had only met one in my life).

TFH: How do you feel the Tolkien fandom has changed since you initially became involved in it?

Jenny: I don’t feel it has changed much. If I had known it before the films, it might be different, but I still see the major groups there that existed in the early 2000s – film fans, book fans (which minor crossovers), fanfic writers, and scholars.

TFH: In the mid-2000s, it often seemed that there were two groups of people creating fan art. There were the artists sanctioned by the Tolkien Estate--Alan Lee, John Howe, Ted Nasmith--who were mostly men, and then there were the so-called "fan artists," who were mostly women. The latter group were also often professional artists and were much more widely embraced by the fanfic community (for example, you and Kasiopea seemed much more instrumental in determining how Silmfic writers saw the characters than Nasmith, and your name is probably more readily recognized by Silm fans today than Nasmith's). Did you perceive this as well? If so, do you have any thoughts on why the Estate and fanworks creators might have had so little overlap in their visions of Middle-earth and its characters?

Jenny: I have actually talked to Ted Nasmith (whom I met at Return of the Ring 2012, a perfectly wonderful bloke!) about this very thing. Ted told me about his illustrated Silmarillion, in which the Estate had been very clear on a policy that follows what we know from the “Big Three” (John Howe, Alan Lee, Ted Nasmith): a lot of location, a bit of characters, and absolutely no monsters!

In a panel at Return of the Ring, which I attended together with Ted, Anke Eissmann, and Ruth Lacon, the same question was asked, and it does seem to fall along gender lines. Typically, characters are more often and more prominently portrayed by women, and many viewing habits seem to follow a similar gender divide on the audience’s side. It makes sense, then, that the Tolkien Estate, under the firm influence of Christopher Tolkien, would favour the a more setting-oriented approach that depicted the scope and poetry of his father’s work, while other artists explored the characters in a more intimate and obscure way.

TFH: I'm interested in your experience with both the artistic and writing sides of the Tolkien fandom. Were there differences in the respective fandoms when you first became involved and in the response to your works in the two mediums?

Jenny: I have always kept a slight distance to much of the fanfic side. There are several fanfics I have enjoyed, but even in some of the ones I did, slash was never far away, and it just makes me uncomfortable. (The fact that it’s mostly gay sex is secondary, incidentally. I simply feel that sex in the exploration of those characters is as irrelevant as exploring their, say, bathroom habits. I may be pretty alone in this as a female recipient of Tolkien’s work, but his characters strike me as rather asexual on the whole.)

On the art side, I find that the response from and interaction with the fandom has been overwhelmingly positive from all sides. I have formed long-lasting friendships with other artists and fans.

TFH: There has been tremendous expansion of artistic interpretations of Tolkien’s work in recent years--through Tumblr, DeviantArt, weibo--how do you continue to reach your audience and interact with those who have an interest in your art?

Jenny: I consider myself very lucky, in that I have stayed in contact with a large and wonderful group of people over all these years. I had the good fortune of being recognized quite early on, and while there has been some fluctuation, an amazingly strong core of my audience has stayed with me.

TFH: In what other Tolkien-related events, gatherings or challenges do you participate? How is it interacting with fans at such events?

Jenny: I try to make it to the major local events – Tolkien Tag, organized by the Dutch and German Tolkien Societies – and I’ll be at the (British) Tolkien Society’s Tolkien 2019 event in Birmingham next year. Apart from that, my job as a teacher and my two young children mean I can’t travel much.

I hugely enjoy those events – to interact with other fans usually feels like a breakaway together with people I rarely meet in the “real world”.

TFH: What drew you to Professor Tolkien's work originally?

Jenny: I have loved mythology from a very young age, devouring classical, Germanic and medieval folk tales since primary school, so Tolkien fell squarely into those preferences, and continued to do so when I got older and became a student of literature rather than just a consumer of Fantasy books.

TFH: Which of his characters are your favorites? Why?

Jenny: It will come as absolutely no surprise that it’s Maedhros son of Feanor. He stuck in my head even when I first read the Silmarillion, standing out against that huge cast of often-confusing people. He’s like a Greek tragic hero, trying to do the right thing and striving to justify his means, and dragging everyone else into ruin with him. His fate is heartbreaking, and I love heartbreaking tales.

TFH: Why do you love Tolkien's universe? What inspires you?

Jenny: It’s always been mostly about the characters, but I find that, as I get older, other aspects of the legendarium speak to me more strongly than before. When I was a child, I used to skip the descriptions of landscape; today, I both read them closely, and find that I appreciate beauty in nature far more than I used to, which I then translate into my art (my older work, up until I was about twenty, usually featured characters standing around in a perfect white void).

TFH: To what extent do you think it is important for a fanfiction writer or fan artist to follow and respect the original author's work and concepts?

Jenny: First off, I think for a fan creator, there are, by definition, no such constraints. Preference is another matter entirely. Personally, I enjoy writings and works of art that, in my subjective view, feel close to what Tolkien might have meant, and thus strike a chord with me.

When we extend that question to any matter that is supposed to be a more general representation of the original work, I feel it’s essential to be faithful to a common theme and feel. If we take Peter Jackson’s movies, I do think that he managed it in many places in the Lord of the Rings; his Hobbit, from what I have seen of it (I haven’t watched the second and third films), felt weirdly like the output of an Instagram creator whose fanbase latches on to a very small part of his original body of work, and who then suddenly starts churning out more of the same, comical, self-referred spoofs which feel like a continuation to him and to his base but really leave most of the essence behind for everyone else.

TFH: Which was the most unexpected occasion, the most unusual platform where you have ever encountered one of your artworks?

Jenny: Thaaaaaaat would have been a Russian porn site. I get around, you know.

TFH: Which one of your drawings is most special to you and why?

There are a lot of drawings I’m very attached to. “In pain and regret” is probably far up the list, as are the more recent “The Hunt” and “And the Orcs fled before his face”. The one I’ll mention here has to be one where I, probably accidentally, nailed Maedhros’ face for the first time. I drew it in 1995, when I was twenty, and I remember that this was a piece that told me that I was still improving. As a young artist, you often think that one day, you’ll be a grown-up, and that’s that. At twenty, I had just moved away from home, and had subconsciously felt that I was now finished, feeling some regret at the belief that my art would no longer improve – and suddenly I realized how wrong I’d been. It was an eye-opener for me, artistically.

The artworks and book referenced in this interview are as follows

Jenny Dolfen's book "Songs of Sorrow and Hope" featuring the cover art of Maglor "The harp no longer sings":

"Earendil the Mariner":

The 1995 artwork referenced:

"And the orcs fled before his face":

"The Hunt":

"In pain and regret":

#tolkien fan art #tolkien fandom history #brilliant artwork #artist interview #lord of the rings #the silmarillion #tolkien

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