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kentopedia · 11 months

Text

i miss when we first met

FEATURING. dazai osamu x f!reader & f!reader x chuuya nakahara — wc: 15.1k

SUMMARY: you'd always been in love with Dazai, but you started to doubt that he'd ever cared for you in return. chuuya, though, had never shown you anything but true affection.

CONTENTS: nsfw 18+ ONLY, pm!dazai, pm!reader, mostly dazai x reader but…, unhealthy relationship dynamics, voyeurism, cheating, manipulation, smut, degradation, guns, angst, dazai is very bad at expressing emotions, pet names, horrible communication, unrequited (?) love, the list goes on bc they’re in the port mafia just be warned

note: this took me like 4 months to finish & i am so so nervous to post it lmao. i wanted to write something different & this is very outside my comfort zone! :) but it's dazai's birthday so i figured i might as well share it today

You rolled onto your side away from Dazai, still breathing heavily as you came down from your high.

Beside you, he had shifted onto his forearms, moving up against the headboards to sit up straight. The covers fell off of him, revealing the marks that you’d left all over his body, the scars from a life lived in the mafia.

Under the red silk sheets, you were silent, your head settling into the pillow as you stared at him.

He’d deny it, but he was beautiful, a tempting, alluring creature that you couldn’t get enough of.

But you also knew Lucifer had once been God’s most beautiful angel, and it only made sense that Dazai Osamu would hold the same kind of exquisiteness.

Dazai closed his eyes, rolled his neck as he leaned back, stretching out all of the stiff muscles. He didn’t touch you again, kept a distance as he wiped the sweat that had dried on his forehead, the fluids that had stained the sheets between you.

He used to talk to you, after something so intimate. Used to hold you in his arms and trace your skin with a gentleness you didn’t know he possessed. He hadn’t always been cruel when he fucked you, hadn’t always put his own needs before yours.

Of course, Dazai had never loved you. That was something you were certain of in your very core. But he’d held at least some shred of respect for you before becoming the head of the Port Mafia. Now, you didn’t think he saw you as anything more than a means to an end.

It didn’t matter, though. It didn’t matter that Dazai spoke to you minimally when you two weren’t alone, that everyone in the Port Mafia knew you were nothing more than the woman who slept in his bed.

It didn’t matter because you loved him. You’d stood by his side since the beginning, since he’d recruited Chuuya, since he’d lost Oda.

Since he’d killed Mori.

You’d been with him through all of it, seen every horrid side to him, and you’d never once wanted to escape. Dazai had his claws in you, and he had them in deep. The thought of being anywhere but with him had never crossed your mind.

“Akutagawa told me what happened yesterday.”

You blinked, snapping out of your haze as Dazai regarded you with cool, condescending eyes. He was peering at you from over his shoulder, picking his dark button-up off the floor. The skin on his back was red from scratches, the lines dragging through his taut skin.

“Did he?” you said, looking down at your nails. You hadn’t expected anything less. Akutagawa did everything in his power to get exaltation from Dazai. “I’m sure his report was thorough.”

Dazai’s jaw clenched. His eyes narrowed, a darkened tint flashing in them. “That’s all you have to say?”

His voice was unamused, icy, and it reminded you that no matter how many times you crawled into his bed, let him use you however he wanted, he was still your boss. He was Dazai Osamu, the man whom everyone in Yokohama feared.

You swallowed. “I’m sorry.” Your gaze twisted away from him, unable to meet his hardened expression completely. “I was distracted. It was my fault entirely.”

Dazai made a noise in the back of his throat as he moved out of the bed. He sauntered across the room, so quietly and cat-like, and you buried yourself deeper into the mattress, wanting to sink into it completely.

“You’re lucky, then, that Akutagawa was able to deflect the bullets.” He began replacing the bandages that had slipped off of his face, covering his cheek with disgust.

He let you see him completely when it was just the two of you. It took every ounce of your self-control not to read into that, to wonder if it was just a habit leftover from when you were younger.

“I am lucky.”

Truthfully, you’d only hesitated for half of a second, momentarily lost in your own loop of suffering, and your opponent had gotten an edge on you. They’d shot at you, then the bomb, nearly prematurely blowing up the building.

“After decades of work, I would’ve thought you’d know better by now.” Dazai sighed wearily, like your presence irritated him. It probably did. “I’ll consider moving you. I’m sure there’s a place for you where you can’t get yourself killed if you fuck up.”

“Dazai—” you swallowed, a horrid tasting stinging your mouth as you remembered your time with him had come to an end. He was back to being Mori’s underling, the man who looked at the city like it was nothing but a chessboard. “Boss,” you remedied quickly, all too used to addressing him differently. It was difficult, sometimes, to recognize where Dazai began, and the Port Mafia’s boss ended. “It was a stupid error. In all the time you’ve known me, have I ever done something like that before?”

Dazai hesitated momentarily, before tensing his shoulders. He didn’t answer your question. “Don’t let it happen again.” A warning was in his eyes when they met yours through the mirror. “I don’t have the patience to find a replacement for you, and Akutagawa’s too valuable an asset to lose to a seasoned professional’s careless mistake.”

You exhaled, looking back down at your hands. The ones that had already been stained in so much blood, wrought with crime and bad intent. “Understood.”

You finally climbed out of the bed, missing the warmth that it gave you, even though Dazai’s cold body always sucked it away. He laid so stiffly next to you most of the time. You remembered when he used to sleep with his forehead pressed to the back of your neck.

As you dressed, Dazai kept his eyes on his work, never paying you any attention. You felt discarded, useless, and you wanted to hate him, wanted to hate yourself for longing to wrap your arms around him, hug him from behind.

“I’ll send you with Chuuya tomorrow,” he said, scanning reports and assignments that he’d thrown aside lazily last night. “An easy assignment outside of Yokohama. Think you can manage that?”

“Just give me the job.” You snatched the paper out of Dazai’s hand, and he didn’t say a word, only watched as you perused it. It was, really, the simplest task he’d given you in the past few weeks. You’d felt like he’d been overworking you just to avoid you. “Fine. I’ll take it.”

Dazai’s smile widened, sinister, and wicked. He brushed his hand delicately over your shoulder, against your neck before patting you on the head. “I trust you won’t let me down.”

Going against every sensible atom in your being, you smiled wearily. His minimal display of affection warmed you, a deep pang settling in your soul. “Have I ever?”

“No.” He held a sort of awed fascination, twisting a part of your hair between his fingers. “How lucky someone must be to be my greatest enemy. To get the kiss of death from an angel is not such a bad way to die.”

He held your cheek in his delicate fingers, and you were putty in his hands, wishing that his eyes would soften, even by a fraction. That his hand would cup around his cheek like he meant it.

Instead, he pulled away, and you felt cold, cold, cold, drowning in your own emptiness.

You scoffed, trying to regain some power in the situation. “I’m no angel.”

“Hm,” Dazai hummed, dropping his head in his hands, resuming a spot behind the desk, the deep red chair much too similar to the one in his office, the one that Mori had inherited from the previous boss. “Perhaps not to others.”

And you grew hot, feeling that, maybe, Dazai was giving you a compliment.

It was at times like these that you saw the semblance of your previous relationship. When you could tease him without feeling the weight of his superior rank looming over you. When you could kiss him without tasting venom. When you didn’t have to wonder if it would be appropriate to touch him, or if you should keep your distance.

You wanted to quit him. Really, you did.

He was a horrible, loathsome person.

You’d never be able to stop loving him.

“I could never be any sort of heavenly creature, Dazai. My spot in hell was sealed the moment I sided with the Devil.”

Dazai laughed, the sound raw and dry, so humorless. “I hope you don’t mean me. Flattery will get you nowhere,” he tsked, the tip of his tongue scratching against the back of his white teeth.

You certainly hadn’t meant that as a compliment.

“Should I say goodbye before I leave?” you asked wryly, doubting that he’d even want to see you again. His image burned against the back of your eyelids, and you drank him in, hoping that when you died, his face would be the last thing you saw.

Dazai didn’t grace you with a simple yes or no. Instead, he glanced up briefly, his one eye exposed, mere centimeters of skin uncovered. “Goodbye.”

You nodded; lips pressed tightly together as you accepted the dismissal. With a sigh, you were out of the room, wondering why you hadn’t just showered before you left. Most of your clothes were in Dazai’s closet anyway.

You didn’t see him again before you left.

The assignment Dazai had given you was a few cities over, a task of infiltrating an enemy organization who’d gotten a little too close to the Mafia’s boundaries. It was simple enough, especially with Chuuya at your side, though the whole ordeal had you away from home for a weekend, and far too much time with your own thoughts.

Dazai had set the two of you up in a suite, one with two separate bedrooms and a shared living space. It was much more luxurious than you even needed, with a view overlooking the entire city and an extensive bar in the kitchen. The furniture was a deep, black leather, every accent dark in color.

It was conspicuous, but you’d grown too used to extravagance after being with Dazai. You allowed yourself to indulge in it.

A silly notion, really; the place you slept every night was much more lavish.

You scrubbed the blood off your face, your hands, and stared at yourself in the mirror without recognizing the person before you. The water at the bottom of the shower was a macabre shade, staining the tiles as it swirled down the drain.

Shivering, you tried to reconcile all of the things you’d done, shelve them away before you could wonder if all of it was really worth it. If Dazai was really worth it.

When you finally emerged from the bathroom, your skin rubbed raw, Chuuya was sitting at the bar, a freshly cracked bottle of wine before him. His back was tense, muscles strained as he regarded you with weary eyes, the darker shade under them obvious and alarming.

“Took you long enough,” Chuuya snorted, pouring himself a glass. The bottle was aged and dark, the label faded. He must have brought it along with him; it certainly hadn’t come from the hotel. “I was getting bored.”

You made a face, taking the seat beside him. “Well, there was a lot of blood.” You reached over to snatch the bottle, pressing it to your lips before he could protest.

“Help yourself, then,” His expression was sour, but his acerbic tone held a hint of amusement. “Do you know how expensive that is?”

“No.” You shrugged, taking a sip. Money had stopped meaning anything to you a long time ago. “Should I care?” The liquid warmed your throat on the way down.

“Probably not. You’ve surely got enough cash behind you to buy me another one.”

“Right.” You snorted and wondered how much of that stuff you’d have to drink before you’d stop feeling a thing. Thoughts of the crumbling bond that you and Dazai shared wouldn’t leave you alone. “And you don’t?”

Chuuya laughed, twirling the glass in his gloved hand. There was a hardened edge to him that you didn’t like. Opposed to Dazai, Chuuya had always been much more open with you, more willing to share his thoughts. “Well, we can’t all be Dazai’s favorite. You’ve got the keys to the kingdom, my dear. Whatever belongs to the Mafia belongs to you too.”

“Favorite?” You spat out the word, darkening at the mention of Dazai, the man who never seemed to leave your brain. It was always Dazai, Dazai, Dazai. The youngest executive there had ever been, the one who’d become the head of the Port Mafia just a few years later.

You hated him. Wished you could burn the memory of that haunted man entirely.

“Hm?” Chuuya leaned forward like he hadn’t heard you.

A bitter flavor blossomed on your tongue when you thought of saying his name out loud. “I don’t want to talk about Dazai right now.”

You brought the bottle to your lips again; it was starting to feel lighter.

“Why?” Chuuya’s eyes dimmed as he stared at you, looking for something hidden in your irises. A secret that wouldn’t be there. You’d always been too easy to read. “Did something happen?”

“I said I don’t want to talk about Dazai, and you immediately think something’s wrong?”

He blinked. Hesitated. “Well, I spent my teenage years listening to you talk about him like a lovesick fool. The subsequent years watching him stare at you in the same way.” He took the bottle away from you, tipping his head back. “Something must be wrong.”

You felt a flush at your neck, the skin itching with sweat. It was cruel of Chuuya to allude to any emotions from Dazai, when you knew they weren’t there. “That’s not true.”

Chuuya sighed. “Isn’t it?”

Although his temper had always been much worse than yours, you felt the same sort of anger claw at your back. The urge to scream at him became almost insuppressible. “Dazai doesn’t care about me like that.” You flopped down on the bar, alcohol fuzzing the edges of your senses. It felt nice, warm.

Maybe being away from the Port Mafia was better for you than you thought.

“Don’t be stupid.” Chuuya’s eyes had narrowed when your head fell forward, his fist clenching around the bottle.

“Stupid?” You immediately sat up, blood rushing straight to your head. Who was Chuuya to come and tell you everything he thought he knew? It was laughable, really. “He doesn’t care, and I think I’d know. Fuck you, Chuuya.”

You slammed your fist down on the table, hurt. You didn’t understand why Chuuya would side with Dazai when he knew how much the situation troubled you. How often had you bared your soul to him, told him how Dazai’s aloofness had hurt you over and over again?

His eyes softened, an apology immediately leaving his lips. “I’m sorry—”

“Are you?” The words were vehement. Chuuya was shamelessly against your relationship with Dazai, always coming up with one reason or another to get you out of it. Now, it seemed, he was trying to defend it. “Dazai cares or he doesn’t. You can’t keep changing your mind based on the situation.”

“Dazai does care.” Chuuya said the words like they pained him to leave his mouth, each one dragging a dagger against his chin. “You think he’d keep you around if he didn’t?”

You did. You knew that you had use outside of Dazai’s feelings, just like Chuuya, just like Akutagawa. Just like every menial grunt who had a shred of value for the Mafia.

“He cares that I have value to him.” A sigh left your lips, and you sunk your chin onto your palm, feeling like nothing more than the dramatic woman in a Shakesperian tragedy. Really, you couldn’t remember when you’d become so pathetic. “What will become of me when I can’t sink a bullet into the skull of his enemies anymore?”

Chuuya frowned, the wrinkles deepening on his forehead. “No one can predict what Dazai will do.” He let you steal his half-full glass of wine, keeping the bottle safely tucked away from you. “Would it make much difference to you if we could?”

“I suppose not.” You’d grown tired, the subtle buzz of alcohol coming in quick on your empty stomach. “Nothing matters much anymore. I’ll never leave the Port Mafia.” Saying the words out loud made it more real than you’d intended, even though it was a fact that had sunk deep into your bones the day you’d met the dark-haired, suicidal bastard. “Why do I have to love him, Chuuya? Why can’t I love a good man?”

You thought, why can’t I love you instead, and left it unsaid. The words might have been too cruel. You knew the pain of unrequited emotions.

“Because you’re in the Port Mafia. Good men would know to stay away.” Chuuya drummed his fingers against the countertop before reaching out, contemplative. Though you remained unmoving in your seat, his hand still retracted before he touched you, as if burned. There was caution in his movements, every action calculated—Chuuya was usually the opposite, as intelligent as he was. “Besides. You’ve never tried to let Dazai go. You don’t want to.”

“I want to,” you said defensively, though even to your own ears, the statement was weak. Dazai was an addiction, and you’d go back to him time and time again. Even when, sometimes, you weren’t so sure there was anything good about him. “I just don’t know how. What would I do out there in the world without Dazai?” You laughed, amused. A normal life didn’t seem possible—you’d have no idea where to start.

Chuuya’s face pinched in disgust. “Take over the Port Mafia. Kill him and run it yourself.” He huffed, running a hand over his eyes, exhausted. “There’s a solution. If you really want to get rid of him.”

You blinked back at him. A moment passed; you’d forgotten he was looking for a response.

“I suspected as much.” His shoulders slumped, defeated, as you drew back in shame. “How long will you talk yourself into this endless cycle of torment? Dazai isn’t the same man that you fell in love with, and he never will be again.” He met your eyes, cold and guarded. “There’s nothing to be done about that. If you want Dazai so badly, put up with every single part of him. I’m tired of listening to the same grievances, time and time again.”

Chuuya made to stand, but you stopped him, grabbing his wrist lightly. He glared at you from over his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” you said, trying to convey your apology sincerely. “You’re completely right. I’ve never tried to let Dazai go, and maybe I can.”

You didn’t give Chuuya time to formulate a response. Before he could understand what was happening, you leaned forward, catching him off guard, and planted your lips on his.

For one singular moment, Chuuya had kissed you back, tasting your mouth in its entirety, before he shoved you away, scrubbing his skin like he’d been burned.

“Don’t do that.” He had a hand in your face, scolding you like a child. “Don’t ever fucking do that again.”

You stared at him; his dark eyes were full of an emotion you had never seen before. “Why not? You said I should try to let him go.”

“Not by kissing me, fucking hell.” Chuuya hissed, his voice just above a whisper like someone else was listening in. Something vile had been unleashed in him as he gesticulated around wildly. “You’re Dazai’s.” He scoffed. “Do you think any smart man would do anything with you, knowing you sleep in that monster’s bed every night?”

You sniffed, sticking your jaw out. Maybe, you’d been wrong all this time. Chuuya was like everyone else, wasn’t he? Holding you at a distance because you cared for the wrong person.

“I’m not leaving the Mafia. I’m not leaving Dazai.” You reached across the table, grabbing one of his cold hands. “I just want to be someone else for once. To know what it’s like for someone to care about me so completely.”

“It’s not going to be with me.” Chuuya yanked his hand away, laughing mirthlessly. “I never thought you’d try to manipulate me like this. “You’ve been spending too much time with him.”

Your eyes flashed, infuriated. Chuuya looked at you with some kind of betrayal, like he wasn’t the exact same way, like he wasn’t the same kind of vile person that you were. “I know you’re in love with me, Chuuya. I know you’ve looked at me since we were sixteen years old, wished so badly I would look at you the same way.”

His jaw clenched, the anger giving way to something else. “Don’t start.”

“You’ve wanted me all this time, haven’t you?” It was a genuine question; one you’d always been too scared to voice. Chuuya was the only person you considered to be a friend and knowing that he felt that way about you would ruin your friendship completely.

Though you had one sip too much of alcohol running through your veins, and you’d spent two days wondering how you could stop feeling a single thing for Dazai. Rationality had left you entirely.

Chuuya was silent, still watching you with hesitance.

“You’re the only person in the Mafia who really cares about me, aren’t you?” you said, softer, wondering if you could lure him in. Spring him into a trap you’d both be certain to regret in the morning. “You’re the one who talks to me about everything, who watches out for my well-being. Who’s never looked at me like I was anything but the prettiest girl in the world.”

And though Chuuya still didn’t trust your actions, his eyes had softened just a hair, his body releasing the tension. “You are.”

You smiled, but his compliment made you feel nothing but guilt. “Then why won’t you let me kiss you, Chuuya?”

“Because.” He scraped a hand over his face, breathing heavily like it was taking every ounce of his willpower to resist you “Dazai will kill me, you understand? He’ll kill you.”

“Wouldn’t you at least like to know?” You invaded his personal space. Each word you spoke cracked him a little bit more. “I know you’ve imagined me spread out before you, entirely exposed to you. How I’d look with my hips arching off the bed, crying out your name—”

“Stop it.”

“I’m right, aren’t I?” You felt like you were losing your mind. Something had cracked in you, and you couldn’t come back from it. Things would never go back to the way they were after those careless words had been tossed into the world. “You’ve always wanted me, so why, when I’m giving myself to you completely, won’t you accept?”

Chuuya swallowed. His voice had grown thick with desire. He raked his eyes over you cautiously. “You’re asking a lot from me, baby.” He held your cheek, grazing the bone in the gentle way that Dazai had forgotten. “Believe me, I want to. But you’ve had a lot to drink.”

“I haven’t,” you said, grabbing his wrist before he could pull away. The touch of another person felt so nice against your icy skin. “I’m okay. I’m not drunk.” You weren’t—the alcohol had just made you brave enough to ask. “Please, Chuuya.”

He swallowed thickly. “He’ll kill me.”

“And he’ll kill me. Just as you said.” You met his eyes completely, wondering why you couldn’t care for this man in the same way, why his lips weren’t as alluring as Dazai’s, why his voice didn’t set a blaze deep in your stomach. “Do you really care whether Dazai thinks of me as his?”

His cheeks were flushed, eyebrows pinched, and you spotted the moment he began to draw back. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I just can’t.”

Then, you panicked, eyes becoming glassy as he released you, turning to retreat back to his bedroom, and you scrambled for another way, a way to bring him back to you.

“Chuuya, please,” you said, desperation in every syllable, and when he turned around, you knew you had him wrapped around your finger. “I just want to know what it’s like with a person who loves me. Can’t you give me that?”

That was it. That was all you had to say. When Chuuya bowed his head, you knew he’d given in.

“Why do you think I can give you what he can’t?” Chuuya’s voice was nothing more than a whisper. “I’m not that kind of man. I’m not the kind of man you’re looking for.”

“No,” you said. “You’re not that kind of man. You’re Chuuya. The only person that’s always been there for me.”

He hesitated, momentarily, before sweeping you into his arms, his touch the softest you’d ever felt. “Are you certain that you want this?”

“Yes.”

“Then it doesn’t matter if Dazai kills me.” Chuuya spoke into your mouth, carving the words into your aching heart. “You were always going to be the death of me, anyway.”

His lips were upon you again, kissing you with the hunger of a starved man, and you gave him back as much as you could, which was the despair of a lonely woman. His touch was one of loving hands as guided you back into the bedroom tenderly.

When your back hit the bed, he asked if you were okay, asked if everything was comfortable. The concern in his eyes had rarely been seen in Dazai’s own—you couldn’t remember the last time he’d taken care of you first.

“I’m fine, Chuuya,” you promised again and again, and you smiled, caressing the soft skin of his jaw.

His lips pulled back in return, and then your shirt was thrown over your head, carelessly tossed towards the corner of the room. Though, no matter how many articles of clothing you lost, the necklace that Dazai had given you still rested against your collarbone.

You cupped your palm around it, trying to avert Chuuya’s gaze as he stared down at the precious metal, something conflicting in his cool irises.

“It’s okay,” you said, doing your best to distract him. You wouldn’t take the necklace off. It didn’t matter how much Dazai had hurt you; you needed the reminder of the absolute infidelity you were committing. “Keep going.”

Feeling more anxious than you had before, you kissed Chuuya, trying to dispel the bile that gathered in the back of your throat.

“You’re so beautiful,” Chuuya said, kissing every inch of your face, his hands hovering over your chest. “I could look at you forever, and it wouldn’t be long enough.”

Chuuya’s sentiments warmed you, but words weren’t enough. You pulled his vest off, then the buttoned-shirt and every other intricate article of clothing he wore.

It felt wrong. His height was wrong. His skin felt too warm under your palm.

“When did you fall in love with me?” you asked, breathing heavily. Desire pooled in your abdomen against your will, your own heart betraying you. Still, it was nothing more than the most basic reaction of human nature, raw and primal, unaffected by the organ that was jailed within your ribcage.

Chuuya was surprised by the question, and he paused, his face just inches above your stomach. “I think I realized when I was seventeen.” He huffed out a laugh, inhaling your perfume. “It was the first time I saw Dazai kiss you. I thought I was going to be sick.” He continued kissing down your body, sliding your pants past your hips. “I’d always wanted you. I guess I just didn’t realize until then.”

You exhaled, feeling tears spring to the corners of your eyes, ones you suppressed.

Dazai had given you flowers that day. You remembered how they smelled, the rainy spring breeze. The way the sun reflected in his brown irises, melting them into candied honey that brightened his entire complexion.

“Then take me, Chuuya. If you’ve wanted me for so long, then fuck me like you mean it.”

His dark eyes flashed, but his gentle caresses never turned rough, never sped through a single moment you had together. You smiled, your expression peaceful and open when he finally slid your panties off, your cunt throbbing as his finger brushed against your swollen clit.

Chuuya took his time with you, singing praises that you hadn’t heard in a long time, and you came once around his slender fingers, the ones that were much less skilled at knowing every place you enjoyed being touched.

When he finally sunk inside you, you still felt empty, unfulfilled. You tried to lose yourself in his mouth, in the taste of wine and Chuuya, and dug your fingers into his back.

“Feel so good around me, baby.” Chuuya whispered into your skin, imprinting the words into your neck. He was careful not to leave any marks, though he wanted to, wanted to claim you as his own. “Taking me so well.”

You tugged on his hair as he kissed down your collarbone, between your breasts, his breath hot and heavy. Though you cried out, you kept your voice quiet, still fearful that someone might hear, might know exactly what kind of betrayal you’d committed.

Chuuya thrust into you slowly, so much gentler than Dazai, hitting the spot deep inside of you that had you arching off the bed. “Fuck,” he said, choking on his own breath. “You have no idea how you make me feel.” He was full of desperation, his hands digging into your hips.

“Chuuya,” you said, holding his head between your palms.

He gave you the brightest smile in return, sad and meaningful. “I know. I can feel you squeezing me tighter. Let go for me, doll.”

His hair was just as soft, but it wasn’t dark enough, wasn’t short enough. His kiss didn’t feel the same, and you felt tears blurring your vision as you realized you’d never wanted him, you only wanted Dazai, and this was all wrong.

Still, you came around him, as he was buried deep inside you, but his name never left your lips, not even as a breathy whisper, because the one that was sitting there was Osamu.

And when he pulled out of you, you stroked him with practiced laziness, moving your hands in the way you knew Dazai liked, even though Chuuya felt so much different in your palm.

Chuuya kissed you as warmth flooded into your hand, and then he was breathing heavily, collapsing onto the bed next to you. He kissed you over and over, holding you tight, and you smiled, satisfied, because at the least, you knew this was what love felt like.

You’d never get it from the man you wanted, so you’d take it from Chuuya, even if it made you feel rotten inside.

The room smelled like sex and betrayal, and Chuuya took care of you, carried you out of the bed for a bath, and gently rinsed away the sweat and grime.

You were silent for most of the time, only reassuring him when he asked if you were alright.

For the first time, maybe you were. You imagined a future where you could learn to love Chuuya, a future where you were finally able to rid yourself of Dazai and start over again.

But it was nothing more than a delusion, a dream that would never happen. Dazai was a part of your soul. You knew that and Chuuya knew that, even as he closed his eyes next to you, the woman that would never give her love to anyone else. Your heart beat and bled for Dazai Osamu, every inch of your being meant for him. It would kill you to let him go, and if he died, you’d die right alongside him.

You turned away from Chuuya, burying your face in your hands, completely unaware that he’d left the bed to sleep in the other room.

You didn’t talk to Chuuya the next morning, not when you took a private car back to Yokohama, not when you stepped foot back onto the Mafia headquarters. Things between you had soured, just as you’d suspected, and you didn’t know how to fix it, didn’t think there was any way to go back from what had happened.

Higuchi was waiting for the two of you when you walked in the door, her blazer perfectly pressed, and her shirt tucked. She greeted you with a half-smile—gesturing towards the stairs. “The boss wants to see all of us for a meeting. He said you two would be arriving at this time.”

You nodded, and Chuuya scoffed, shaking his head. “I’ll never understand his superhuman ability to know what’s happening all of the time.”

Swallowing, you followed Higuchi, trying not to hear the foreboding nature of Chuuya’s statement.

Most high-ranking Mafia members were in attendance, with Dazai at the head of the table, the dark wooden chair beside him eerily empty and welcoming. You took a seat, and Dazai’s eyes ran over you, smoothly and hastily, before a small smile appeared on his features. “No injuries?” he said, and though his tone was professional, you could hear the slightest bit of concern.

“None,” you said, and something in your voice cracked, ever so slightly.

You were such a fool. You’d never be able to hide something like this from Dazai.

He eyed you suspiciously, before sliding his glance over to Chuuya, who was as cool as usual. His face was shadowed by his hat, hiding any evidence of a sleepless night.

“Chuuya,” Dazai said, tucking his palm into his hand. “Debrief.”

Your partner gave Dazai every last detail, summarizing as best he could, and sliding in the occasional sarcastic remark as he leaned back casually in the chair. Dazai listened with boredom in his expression, drumming his fingers against the table until Chuuya’s monologue was complete.

He turned to Akutagawa, who bowed his head an immediately launched into his own assignment.

You blinked—you hadn’t realized that Akutagawa’s squad had been sent elsewhere. It made no sense for Dazai to send you with Chuuya when your own division had a separate mission.

The meeting wrapped up quickly, and the members scattered, going their own separate ways for the afternoon. Chuuya refused to meet your eye as he got up from the table, one of the last to leave the room.

As you stood, Dazai closed a hand around your wrist, his thumb brushing your pulse.

“Was the hotel alright?” he asked, his head titled curiously. “You look tired.”

You took a sharp breath.

Fuck.

“It was fine, Osamu,” you said, and when his name slipped easily from your tongue, something in him changed. He loosened the hand on your wrist before releasing it entirely, the bandaged palm falling into his lap. “Thank you.”

Dazai nodded, turning away from you, and you’d forgotten that there were still other people in the room. Akutagawa, who lingered with morbid curiosity, and his sister, who had always sort of pitied you for your tumultuous relationship, bore witness to the brief interaction.

Behind them, Chuuya stood tense, his back straight as he crossed the threshold, sparing you only a glimpse before exiting into the darkened hallway.

“Alright,” Dazai said in a hushed voice, his face schooled back into the usual, guarded expression. “I’ll see you later.”

It wasn’t much of a response, and he didn’t elaborate, keeping his steely eyes ahead as some low-ranking members trudged in for a meeting with their boss. He’d be busy all afternoon, it seemed.

You swallowed, and left, knowing that it was fruitless to try and keep a secret from him.

Chuuya waited for you outside, his arms crossed as he regarded you with a contempt that hadn’t been there before, such a contrast to the loving man you had seen last night. “This changes everything, you know?”

“I know,” you said, your voice thick with unshed tears. “I’m sorry, Chuuya.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he scoffed. “I was the fool. I made my choice.” Chuuya sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I meant what I said, though. Yesterday. It was all true, and if you need anything, I’ll be here.”

You felt a chasm open in your chest, and you wished the floor would’ve swallowed you whole. You were losing everyone, it seemed, and maybe, Dazai really did have a point with his talk about suicide.

When you stepped into the bedroom, Dazai was sitting on the edge of the bed, the setting sun casting a shadow of his own reflection. He was twirling a pistol around his pointed finger, staring at the wall with blank eyes.

You shut the door quietly, your hands shaking against the golden knob.

Though you hadn’t made a sound when you walked through the door, Dazai’s gaze was on you immediately, sensing your entrance.

You’d never been able to slip past him.

“You’re back early.” Those were the first words that came to your mind, your voice breaking the uncomfortable silence. He was regarding you with disdain, his jaw set coolly. His hair turned bronze in the evening rays, loose strands scraping against the bandages.

“I am.” His jaw clenched, examining you with a singular, dark eye. You felt exposed under his gaze, laid bare for him to see no matter how much you shrouded yourself with. “You sound like you’re unhappy to see me.”

Dazai ran his finger along the trigger like he’d never held such a weapon before, the gun becoming an object of morbid fascination.

You exhaled. There was so much space between you, a distance you weren’t sure you’d ever cross again. Though you thought you knew Dazai better than anyone, in that moment, he was unreadable—a chapter of pages that had been torn out.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” you said, standing tall. Despite your nerves, you were fixated on Dazai, always drawn to him like a moth to a flame, desperate to uncover the very thing that could kill you. “I miss you every time we’re apart. You’re no stranger to my feelings.”

You could offer him that, at the very least. An undeniable truth before everything between you shattered.

Dazai stood, his dark coat billowing out behind him as he finally came to face you, suddenly seeming much taller than you remembered. And with one look, you knew that he knew. He’d always been too smart for his own good.

“I’m not certain of that any longer,” he laughed, though it was a bitter sound that clawed its way up his throat. “Why don’t you tell me the truth, instead.” Dazai stood before you with a smile that was so sweet it was almost sinister. “Aren’t you going to tell me what you did?”

You weren’t sure which one of you would blink first, caught in some deadly staring contest. Most people would’ve surrendered to him by now.

“Why?” you jutted your chin out, refusing to give in to him in any way. If you were going to die, and you were, you would make sure Dazai knew everything you’d never told him. “You already know.”

“No.” He poked the gun into your cheek, right beneath the sharp bone. He’d clicked the safety off moments before. “I want to hear you say it. You betrayed me.”

When you refused to say a word, Dazai hissed and cocked the gun. He pressed it to your temple, the metal cold against your delicate skin.

“Say it.”

You sniffed. He wasn’t giving in, and instead, stood there silently, unmoving until you finally caved. There was something about the color of his eyes. No matter how much they hardened, you still remembered the young man he used to be. The one who wasn’t quite so cold, who picked you flowers, even with blood dripping down his arm.

“Fine.” You narrowed your eyes. “I fucked Chuuya.”

Dazai blinked. Then, he started laughing. Crazily, maniacally. You saw too much of your old boss in him that it made you sick.

“Shameless.” Dazai took a step back and dropped the gun to his side.

“What?” you sneered, pressing yourself up against him, refusing to be intimidated by the man that had been yours for years. “Should I be ashamed?”

Dazai’s eyes flashed, his jaw clenching. “Yes,” he said, fists curling at his sides. “After everything I’ve done for you.” Dazai grew quieter, flicking a strand of hair out of your face. “Do you feel no remorse?”

“You can’t be serious. What have you done for me, Dazai?” You grew still, grabbing his wrist before he could touch you again. “You’re not upset I was with another man; you’re just upset that it was Chuuya.”

You poked him in the chest, a hot stream of air exhaling through your nose.

“I gave you everything, didn’t I?” The two of you spoke at each other, avoiding the answers, never acknowledging what the other had to say. Around and around you went, an endless circle until one of you finally conceded. “I’ve given you the world, and you still wanted more.” Dazai finally broke free of your loose grasp, stroking your cheek. “What can Chuuya give you that I can’t? I ask for nothing but honesty.”

There was no jealousy in the tone, no sorrow; it was the most genuine question he’d asked you in months. The inquiry of a man who’d lost sight of himself in the past few years, and who’d somehow, over time, forgotten what it meant to care for another.

“You gave me nothing,” you said, but somewhere along the way, your cheeks had grown wet. You’d been struck by the sudden affection in his voice, the softness harsher than a slap to the face.

He was a horrible man, the worst kind of man. Yet, you couldn’t imagine a life without him, a world where you existed alone.

The truth rested at the edge of your tongue. It wouldn’t solve much, your affection for him never had solved much, but at least he would understand.

“This was never about wanting more. I never wanted Chuuya. You’re a fool if you think that.”

Dazai was silent. You pressed on.

“I wanted you. I’ve only ever wanted you. I’ve devoted my entire life to you. I do everything you ask.” You were breathing heavily, big gulping breaths that contained minimal oxygen. “I asked for nothing in return. Nothing but for you to care about me, and you never did.”

“Is that the case?” Dazai laughed humorlessly.

You ignored him, your confession leaving on one heavy breath, a string of words incomprehensible to your ears. “But Chuuya loves me. He always has, and he made certain I knew that.” You paused, averting your eyes. The entire city could be seen from the window over his shoulder. “He told me all of that, and you know what I thought the whole time?”

Dazai scowled.

“I wished that he was you instead. I wanted it to be you so badly, I wanted it to be you saying those things to me, kissing me like I was the most important thing in the world.” You took his wrist again, pressing the gun back to your temple. The cool metal was almost soothing against your skin. “Please, Dazai. Give me this one last thing. I’m begging you to kill me. I can’t take this any longer.”

His finger rested on the trigger.

“I want it to be you. I’ve never wanted to die at anyone’s hands but your own.” His hand felt just as it always had in your palm, his fingers much longer, but his skin so soft. It was almost comforting, how familiar he was, and you longed to be a part of him, to bury yourself deep within him and wear his skin as your own.

Dazai’s expression twitched, and you smiled at him, the taste of salty tears spilling into your mouth.

As you closed your eyes, you prepared for the noise, hoping your blood splattered on Dazai’s coat and stained it, the proof of your existence inerasable. You hoped that Dazai would grow to regret it, would realize that your love for him was close to unconditional.

But the violence never came. The cool metal fell away from your skin, and when you opened your eyes again, Dazai’s shoulders had slumped, the very image of defeat.

“Do you honestly think I can bring myself to kill you?”

“What’s the matter?” you asked, blinking your eyes open. You reached for the gun again, but he drew back, as if stung. “Afraid to lose your best assassin?”

“No.” Dazai’s eyes were hard, his frown set deep into his face. “I’m afraid to lose the woman I love. The most important person in the world to me.”

You stared. Blinked. Then, the worst kind of emotion washed over you.

You swallowed over and over, trying to get the bile out of your throat. You’d wanted to be done, wanted to escape. And yet—

“Don’t say that.” you shook your head, backing away as Dazai inched closer, too close and you felt yourself getting sucked back in, remembering that you’d loved him for years, and you’d never love anyone else. “Fuck you, Dazai. Stop toying with me, and just kill me."

“I love you. I thought you knew that my darling angel.”

You were crying harder, shaking your head. “I don’t believe you. You don’t care about me.”

“No?” Dazai had grabbed your wrist again, but it was so soft. “I thought you were smarter than that. Did you think you were partnered with Akutagawa at random, and not for the sole reason that I knew he’d do everything in his power to protect you? Did you think I moved your seat next to me at meetings because you were nothing more than my stupid whore? Bought you everything you ever wanted because I couldn’t stand you?”

“Yes,” you said, sniffing, feeling yourself melt where he touched you, itching to reach up and pull the bandages off his face, see the beautiful features beneath them that he hid from the world. “You don’t care about me."

“I do care,” he said, fingers grazing your chin. “I’ve killed for you. I took over the Port Mafia so I could give you everything you wanted. Why wasn’t that enough?”

“Because I never wanted that. I never wanted any of this. I wanted you, Dazai Osamu. That was all.”

Dazai frowned, and then he bowed his head, kissed your neck, then around your earlobe, and it was the softest you’d ever felt in your entire life, a gentleness you hadn’t known he was capable of. When his hands snaked around your stomach, pulling you back against him, you were lost in his adoration.

“You never said anything,” he said, kissing your shoulder, breaking the tension in the muscles. You were his, in every lifetime, you’d be his. “I thought you were… happy?”

“How could you think that? I’m not happy, Dazai. I’ve never been less happy.”

“Not even when I tell you that I love you?” he kissed your knuckles.

“Do you love me enough to be a better man? Do you love me enough to let me sleep in your bed and see your whole heart instead of the fragmented pieces that you sliced up just to hide?”

“Yes.” The word was resounding, resolute. “I love you enough to forgive you.”

You held him at a distance, lips falling apart easily. “But I don’t want to forgive you.”

“You will.” Dazai smiled, that irritatingly knowing smile of his that you’d fallen for in the first place. “You will because I mean it this time.”

“You never apologized,” you looked away, trying to find the strength to move. You were enraptured, in every fiber of his being. “You never will. You never do.”

“I never knew anything was wrong,” he frowned, and it wasn’t the truth, but it wasn’t a lie, and you had him so close that you just wanted to forget anything had ever changed. “How was I to fix it if you never told me?”

His words were full of poison, but his voice was so soft you couldn’t help but fall back into him. Perhaps, you should’ve said something. Maybe your actions had never been enough.

“How long have I been at your side, spent hours listening to your every word, even when they didn’t make sense to me? You should’ve known, Dazai. I shouldn’t have to tell you something like that.” Your words were losing their bite, and his lips quirked up, knowing that you were slowly coming back to him, clearing you of the sins you had committed.

He was hesitant, thoughtful, before pressing a kiss to your forehead. And perhaps, that was the final straw in your resistance, his gentle kiss enough to set your soul on fire.

“I’m sorry, my love,” Dazai said, his lips ghosting over yours, handing over the apology like a gift. “Won’t you give me a chance to fix it now?” It felt like a bad idea. Dazai wasn’t deserving of any more chances; you’d already given him years of second chances, had always given him the benefit of the doubt.

“You expect me to believe you’ll let us off scot-free?” you said, your face deadly close to Dazai’s. “What about Chuuya? Will you kill him in my place.”

“You’ve got me in your hand, love. If you want me to punish Chuuya, just say the word. I’ll kill him if that’s what you want.”

It wasn’t. That was the farthest thing from what you wanted, but you worried that if you sounded too enthusiastic, he might just follow through with it.

Instead, you pulled him to you, grabbing the dark tie that he wore around his neck. He grinned into your lips, his saccharine smile seeming much too deadly to be all that sweet. “Do you honestly think I believe a word that you’re saying?”

“You want to,” Dazai said, curling his hand around your jaw, his fingers brushing your ear. “That’s what matters the most.” He kissed your lips, and you could taste the difference, all the love he poured into it this time. It wasn’t like kissing a statue. “It’s all true, anyway.”

You broke away, breathing. “I won’t do this anymore, Dazai.” You finally had his hand in your own, placing the gun back to your temple. “You’re not the man you once were, and you’ll never be him again.” The smile that graced your lips was sad, though it was knowing. Things were always going to end this way.

Dazai’s face wrinkled as he tried to decipher all the words you’d never spoken. “I’m not the same man, that’s true, but my affection for you has never died.” He cupped his other hand around your cheek, hesitantly keeping the gun to your temple, squinting with his head bent.

“You’re the leader of the Port Mafia, and such a ruthless man wouldn’t let a betrayal go unscathed.”

There was a wave of silence while the two of you stared at one another, sifting through the situation with hardness in your jaws, the tension palpable within the air. Dazai straightened, clarity in his irises as a smooth smile burned onto his lips.

“Is that what you want?” he said innocently. “You want to be punished for your insurrections?”

Your mouth grew dry, but you held your ground firmly, swallowing back all the uncertainty. Perhaps you didn’t want to die. Perhaps you did. You just hated the gaping hole inside of you that never seemed to leave. “I want you to kill me.”

“Kill you?” Dazai laughed, then the hilt of the gun was against your temple once more. He held your chin steady between his forefinger and thumb, regarding you with thinly veiled disgust. “You’ve never wanted that before. Not when I asked you to die alongside me, to follow me far into the afterlife.” He sighed, releasing your chin before cocking the gun. “This isn’t about death at all.”

“What—”

“You want me to claim you, is that it?” He clicked his tongue before leaning forward, sneering. “Perhaps it’s that other way around. You want everyone in the Mafia to know I belong to you, hm?’

You blinked, though you began to feel weak in the knees, the eyes that you knew so well suddenly intimidating. “I never said—” but even then, your voice wavered, unsteady and uncertain of the immediate heat that had swirled under your skin.

Dazai’s mouth curled, a gruesome smile there. “I know you better than anyone. I’ve always known exactly what you want. Even though I shouldn’t forgive you, I can’t help myself.”

You swallowed, and Dazai had taken a step forward, pushing you with him, the gun still swaying at your temple, even when the backs of your thighs hit the bed. You fell onto the mattress, and he was on top of you, his finger caressing the trigger as he collapsed.

Dazai had never scared you, not even when he was a child you’d barely known, the teenager shaped in Mori’s image. Though, now, the unreadable expression on his face was alarming you, and you wondered if all this time, you should’ve been fearful.

Still, even with your underlying hesitance, you felt a wave of desire crash over you at the sheer need in his eyes. It wasn’t something you were unfamiliar with, but there was something else there. Maybe it was the love you’d just never noticed.

“Osamu,” you said in a quiet voice, not afraid, but not confident either. Your finger brushed the point on his wrist—it was the same heartbeat you’d always recognized.

“What?” he said, taunting you menacingly as he towered above you. “You were so bold just a second ago? What happened, darling?”

Unable to do anything but blink back at him, Dazai brought his thumb to your lips, brushing it across the plump skin before dipping it into your mouth.

Unprepared, you nearly choked, eyes blown wide as you stared back at him. Though, there was a command within his eyes, and you obliged, sucking as you watched the saliva drip down to his palm. Dazai pulled it away from your mouth with an obscene pop, giving you a sweet smile from his position above you.

Despite your humiliation, you shifted your hips on the bed, bringing your thighs together to provide you with a fraction of relief. Dazai’s eyes flashed at the movement, his smirk widening with an amusement.

“You’re nothing more than a dumb slut, aren’t you?” Dazai’s hand ghosted of your stomach, settling on the inside of your thigh momentarily. You ached with need, swallowing your pride and any demands that you could make of him. “Had Chuuya all to yourself this weekend, and still expect me to fuck you senseless.”

Your brow furrowed, and you opened your mouth before shutting it, lips still covered in your own spit. “Osamu,” you began, attempting to diffuse the situation, to explain that what had transpired between you and Chuuya meant nothing, but he never gave you the opportunity. “It wasn’t—”

Dazai’s gaze hardened, the adoration disappearing the moment you dared to speak. His fingers deftly wrapped around your throat, thrusting you into the mattress with enough force to quiet you entirely. “Shut up. If I want to hear you speak, I’ll ask. Understand?”

You could do nothing but nod, hating yourself for the ache that had grown more and more intense in your core, desperate for some sort of contact. Dazai, distracted with his own task of tearing your top off, had failed to notice the breathing that had grown heavier, the flush of heat that spread on every inch of your body.

His slender fingers finally removed the confining pants, a task he did skillfully with one hand still wrapped around your throat. Then, his fingers were against your aching cunt, and you twitched, letting out a heavy sound from the singular movement. You could feel yourself pulsing against nothing, desperate for his fingers between your legs.

“Pathetic,” he said, his fingers lazily dipping through your folds over your underwear. “I’ve barely touched you. How can you be this fucking wet?”

“Please,” you said quietly, your own hand aching to take over, if only to provide yourself that relief that he refused to give you. Every time you shifted into his hand, he brought it away, taunting you with the release you so craved.

“Please?” Dazai was mocking, cruel, every bit of the person people expected him to be. The one he never had been with you, not until recently. “You’re nothing more than a greedy little whore. Must have been why you fucked Chuuya without a second thought, huh?”

You were silent, staring him down with a clenched jaw. Your brain was twisting, betraying you, turning into empty cells within your skull, and you weren’t sure how to handle the accumulation of emotions that you felt for the man before you, the one who’s love had always been purposeful and merciless.

“Well?” he said, tightening a hand to close off the air to your lungs, trapping you with his strength. “Answer me.”

“No,” you gasped, and when your words sounded choked, when you clawed at his wrist, he loosened his grip just a hair, the only indication that the man you loved was in there at all. Still, your hips acted of their own accord, shifting further into his hand. “I’m sorry, Osamu, I am.” You felt tears prick at the corner of your eyes as he finally slipped his fingers under your panties, rubbing your aching clit. “I wanted you; I needed you and you were never there, but Chuuya was, and—”

You were a stammering mess of desperation and regret, feeling unglued under Dazai’s hands, like the words you’d been meaning to say could finally come out. He was the only one who’d ever listened to you completely, who you’d felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable with. Yet, it had been so long since you’d let yourself be open with him, and now that the opportunity arose, you were too weak to deny it.

“I was always here,” Dazai said harshly, and you were almost certain that his anger was genuine, the tone breaking in his voice a result of true sadness. “You never came to me, and I thought that’s how you wanted it to be.” His fingers sunk into you, and you threw your head back into the pillow, moaning sinfully with the lewd sound of him sinking in and out of you, the wetness collecting with every movement.

“You never showed me you cared,” you cried out, certain that there were tears streaming down your cheeks, and you should’ve been humiliated. It was humiliating—the way you were clothed in nothing, crying as Dazai laughed at you, taking full control over your body. How he could’ve done anything to you in that moment, and you would’ve let him, because that was just how much you wanted him.

“And Chuuya was the solution?” He grabbed your cheeks with the hand that had once been around your throat, pinching them to make you look at him. “You going to pass yourself around the rest of the Mafia, sweetheart? Who’ll get a taste of you next? I’m not so certain even Akutagawa would pass up the opportunity.”

His words were senseless, meant to hurt you, and you still couldn’t stand the anguish that was in his eyes.

“No,” you said, and you leaned up, wanting so badly for his lips to be on yours, to feel some semblance of the connection that you’d always had with him. “I wouldn’t, Dazai, I’m yours.” You choked on the sounds of your own moans, your thighs shaking with every change in pressure. “I’m yours. Please, I need you.”

You were certain there were marks on your neck from his fingertips, and Dazai ghosted his mouth along the delicate skin there, biting at the soreness from before. You jerked, digging your nails into his back as you drew closer and closer to your climax.

“Don’t make demands.” Dazai leaned back, and you missed the closeness, the sharp scent of him lingering in your space. “Chuuya hasn’t been a part of this conversation yet. Should we get him up here? I hadn’t considered what to do with him, but this might suffice.”

Dazed and drunk on the feeling of his hands all over you, it took you a moment to process what he was saying. His hand was already swiping through his phone, picking the number of the man that you least wanted to see.

“No, Osamu, don’t—” you cried out, and yet, you made no move to stop him. Instead, you remained pliant on the bed as he sunk another finger into you, his thumb moving in agonizing circles against your clit. He tucked the cellphone under his chin, smiling at you maliciously, controlling you with every blink of his lashes.

You had always had trouble resisting him. Now was no different.

Chuuya answered as you released another moan, and Dazai was grinning wickedly, as if some larger scheme had finally come together, the culmination of everything he was plotting. “Boss?”

“Chuuya,” Dazai said, and you flinched, locking gazes with his deep brown irises, the color so alluring and beautiful, a shade that had darkened with each misfortune you’d endured together. You hated him, you did, but there was a fine line between the two, and your love for him would die with you, would transcend whatever simple rules the afterlife placed on Earth. “How quickly can you make it up here?”

You could hear the hesitation on the other side; Chuuya didn’t say anything for a moment.

“A couple minutes, I think. I haven’t left the building.”

“I’ll give you a couple minutes then.” Dazai’s words were clipped as he hung up the phone, throwing it to the arm chair a few feet away from the bed.

His attention was back on you completely as you let out a shaky breath, trying to regain some semblance of composure before Chuuya came into the room. Though it was so hard when the pools in his irises were pulling you deeper, locking you into a heaven that you’d never been able to reach.

Dazai pulled away briefly, his soaking fingers leaving your body to alleviate his cock from the confines of his dark pants, hovering before you.

You swallowed, not able to remember the last time your desire for him ached this badly. Your eyes trained on the very part of him that you wanted inside of you, the tip flushed so beautifully. There was nothing on your mind but him, how you wanted every part of him, even if it meant enduring misery after misery, and Chuuya was right—if you were to love Dazai, you needed to love every part of him, even when it seemed impossible.

A whine escaped you and you were reaching out to him, knowing he’d never let you live down your humiliation, but the future was not a part of your logical thinking, not now. “Want you inside me.”

“Surely you can hold off for a few minutes,” Dazai said, though the way his toned chest pressed to your own, and how he kissed your face with a tenderness you’d forgotten made it nearly impossible for you to refrain. “So desperate for my cock.”

You wanted to touch yourself—you would’ve, had you not been so nervous of the fact that Chuuya could come in at any minute.

“Tell him to leave,” you said, dragging your fingers through his hair, finally kissing him like you’d been wanting to, and the sound was sinful, heavy with lust as you forced a taste into his mouth, wishing every part of him was a part of you too. “I don’t want him or anyone else, just you, I promise—”

Dazai cut you off and ignored your pleas; he smiled against your lips, though it was anything but kind. “I think he’ll enjoy seeing you like this, won’t he? You’ve got such a filthy mouth on you when you’re fucked properly.” He kissed his way down your chest, resting his face just above your breasts. “I bet Chuuya didn’t see this side of you, did he?” Dazai licked a circle around your nipple, tugging it between his teeth. “I’ve done nothing but call you names and you’re dripping all over the sheets.”

You shook your head, feeling pained by how badly you wanted release.

“Of course not.” Dazai sat back up like he could sense Chuuya approaching from the other side of the door, his presence bold and detectible. “He’s forgotten what’s mine, after all.” He smiled at you once more, kissing you with a kind of love that only he could portray, the kind that was nowhere close to innocent. “Don’t cum until I tell you to. Be good for me, okay?”

Dazai had always known what to say to you, even when your relationship was falling apart, even when you hated him more than you loved him. His words could be so tender, the praise melted in with the unkind quips of his tongue. It was the gentlest tone he’d used since your clothes had come off, and you couldn’t help but melt under him, nodding like you’d give him anything he asked of you.

Of course you would.

Dazai traced your features delicately, grinning maniacally, ears attuned to the quiet that broke from the footsteps approaching. His cock was lined up against your dripping hole, and it took every ounce of restraint not to plant yourself on it, trying so hard to please him, the sinful man who held too much power over you.

“You’re so pretty like this, aren’t you? My beautiful little whore, always willing to take whatever I give you.”

“’Samu,” you babbled, blinking away the tears as you latched onto him, wishing you could spare yourself the humiliation, but too drunk on him to care. He shifted you forward, taking your thighs in his hands and placing them around his waist. “I can’t take it all at once—”

“You’ve done it before. Do it again.” He growled, squeezing your throat once more in one smooth motion, thrusting into you. And though you had doubted how prepared you were, he slid into you easily, already so loose and pliant from his fingers. “See? Never forgot the shape of me, sweetheart. Even after you’ve been with another man.”

You let out a choked moan as Chuuya walked into the room, lost in the ache and the burn and the pleasure that came with loving and fucking Dazai.

There was one singular pass of silence before Chuuya spoke, letting the door shut with a quiet click on the hinge. “Boss—” Chuuya was hesitant, though his eyes were immediately drawn to you, raking over your blissed-out form. “You said to—” His hand was still on the knob, though he was distracted, and tears pricked at the corners of your eyes, ashamed but so full of want that it ached.

“Come in, Chuuya,” Dazai said sharply, his words solid and commanding, and you couldn’t help it when you clenched around him, drawing him further into you with nails scraping down his back. “We should discuss something.”

“Well, can we talk about it when you’re not in the middle of fucking your girl?” Chuuya asked, swallowing down the desire he hid so poorly. His cheeks had flushed, words just on the edge of stumbling and slurring together. “Another time, maybe.”

“This is the perfect time, actually,” Dazai stopped moving, already breathing heavily above you as you stared, whined, needing so badly for him to stop teasing you. “Besides,” his eyes drifted knowingly to Chuuya’s obvious erection as he laughed darkly. “I don’t think you mind so much.”

Dazai pulled back painfully slowly before sinking into you with a quicker thrust, your back arching off the mattress to catch even more of him inside of you. A barely noticeable sweat had broken against his hairline, and you stared at him, mouth slightly agape in awe at the boss of the Port Mafia, the one you somehow had wrapped around your little finger.

Your breathing had grown unsteady as his cock got deeper and deeper inside of you, hitting where you’d never been quite able to get with your fingers, the thickness of him catching on every sensitive part inside of you. His hand was back between your legs, rubbing circles on your clit, and you weren’t sure you could last much longer, not as he carried on a conversation with Chuuya, who watched you with darkened eyes, barely holding himself back.

“Please, Osamu,” you were practically begging now, your cheeks glistening with wetness as you clawed at the muscles between his shoulder blades, surely leaving bruises all down his spine. “Please, please, let me cum.”

Dazai made a tsk noise in the back of his throat. “Not yet. I don’t think you deserve it quite yet, does she, Chuuya?”

Chuuya sniffed, shifting uncomfortably as his pants grew tighter. “Gonna punish her all day, boss? Such a pretty thing should get what she wants, shouldn’t she?”

Dazai dropped his chest closer to you, going deeper into you, and you cried out his name, though your eyes were still locked with Chuuya, as if he were going to be your savior. You remembered how gently he’d touched you, how careful he was, and you wondered why you’d ever wanted that at all.

“Chuuya thinks he can fuck you better than me, darling, but you know that’s not true, don’t you? He’d spoil you too much, but this is what you want, right? You want to be called a stupid fucking cockslut.” Dazai grinned against your lips, whispering in a breath that only you could hear. “Just so that at the end of it all, you’ll be my good girl.”

You whimpered, soaking him as you clenched harder. Your brain had gone numb from the feeling of him. Dazai was smiling viciously, but you could see the underlying tenderness.

“She looks so pretty right now, doesn’t she Chuuya? Not a single thought in that beautiful little head of hers.” He smiled at him knowingly, dark hair flopping into his eyes as the rest of the loose tendrils stuck to his forehead. “You’re lucky. You’ve gotten two chances to see her now. Twice as many as most men who fantasize about fucking a woman that sleeps in another man’s bed.”

Chuuya’s voice was raw, his words cracked. “You’re sick, Dazai,” he said, clenching his hands into fists. “Putting on a show like this just to punish me.”

“You and I both know you’re enjoying this.” Dazai traced your cheeks sweetly, kissing your lips deeply. You let out a strangled breath into his mouth, something on the precipice of a moan. “Can you do one thing for me, pretty girl? One more, then I’ll let you cum, how’s that?”

You nodded, desperately, as Dazai’s fingers finally dipped back down, rubbing agonizingly light circles.

“Tell Chuuya who’s making you feel this way,” Dazai said, pushing your face away from him to stare straight into Chuuya’s dark eyes. “Tell him who you love the most.”

“You,” you gasped out, clenching tighter around him. What an easy request to make—you’d never loved anyone else. “I’m in love with you.”

Dazai sniffed, though he was patient, slowing his thrusts almost to a stop. “Not good enough. I need you to be more specific.”

You cried out, locking your ankles onto his hips, trying to force him back into you. But Dazai didn’t budge, watching you until you provided the answer that he so desired. “I love you, Dazai.”

He frowned, shaking his head once more. “My name. Say it. It sounds so sweet from your lips.”

“Osamu,” you choked out. “I love you, Osamu. I love you. I love you.”

Dazai finally smiled above you, gently tracing your cheeks with his thumb as he slowed down the pace of his hips. “I love you too, darling.” His words were soft, whispered into your lips before he turned away, meeting eyes with Chuuya across the room. “See?”

Chuuya was glowering, stiff as a board, his face pink, and his legs shaky. “I got it, Boss.” He choked out, though his eyes were on you, unable to leave your body, even as he tried so hard to be polite. His aching cock strained against his pants, and he breathed sharply, swallowing over and over. “Do I need to be here any longer?”

Dazai laughed, and you thought he looked so pretty when he did that, his smile flashing wide and alluring, the corners of his eyes crinkling marginally. “Never said you had to stay. I figured you’d want to watch her come undone one last time.”

Chuuya, for as noble as he wanted himself to be, made no move to leave, glued to the spot on the floor beyond your bed. He was just across the room, but you couldn’t focus on anyone but Dazai, Dazai, Dazai, Dazai, the man who you’d killed and bled and committed horrible acts for.

You said his name again, scrambling to bring his attention back to you, hands on his face with a desperation you didn’t realize you’d possessed.

And Dazai, with the kindness of a man he wasn’t, placed his hands just above your stomach, leaving kisses across your chin as he thrust into you, sweetly, menacingly, one last time. “You did so good, my love. You can cum now. Make a mess all over my cock, beautiful.”

You jerked, squeezing around him as you felt the pressure in you finally release, the colors shifting and changing between your high as Dazai brought you in and out of an orgasm, his words reaching your muddled brain with soothing noises. Your body twitched as your muscles spasmed, sweat gathering in the space under your knees. There was little in your mind, save for the dark-haired man that had quickly become your whole world.

You smiled lazily, lacing your fingers with Dazai as you slowly began to come back to yourself. The world around you was empty. Chuuya had all but disappeared into a block of nothingness as you stared into the world itself. If there was no Dazai, there was no you, and it was as simple as that. He was everything you’d ever wanted—you’d be a fool to ever left him go.

As you regained your breathing, still sensitive all over, Dazai came inside you, spilling hot release into you, and you couldn’t bring yourself to care, too busy being satisfied with the feeling of him all over you. His hands never left you—he was delicate, caring, pressing loving touches into your skin as you recovered from your high.

“I’m yours, Osamu,” you said, closing your eyes as you basked against the bed, wanting nothing more than to curl up against him, bury yourself in the warmth of another body.

He smiled against your cheeks, lips flushed and bruised. “I know you are,” he said to you only, before pulling away. You shivered, but opened your eyes, and he’d already held the gun out to you, presenting it as an offering. “That’s why you’ll be the one to kill him.”

It took you all of ten seconds to remember who him was, and that the man who had borne witness to your most intimate moments with Dazai had not disappeared and was still gawking at you from the corner of the room.

“What?” you asked stupidly, your jaw falling open.

“You heard me.” Dazai pressed the pistol into your palm, curling your fingers around the handle. It was like ice against your hot body, and though it’d been years since your first time firing such a weapon, you suddenly felt like you were there again, uncertain, and afraid of the dangerous firearm. “Kill him.”

You stared at Chuuya, the honest man who, even despite his rough exterior, had been there for you since you were kids. You remembered how the three of you had been so close, for such a long time, until Dazai had gone and killed Mori and fucked it all up.

It felt wrong. The entire situation was wrong, and it never should’ve come to this.

“It’s Chuuya,” you said with tired eyes, something in your voice pleading and desperate.

Dazai shrugged, holding you close against him as you struggled to sit up in the bed. Your muscles ached and you were still so sensitive, but reality was coming back to you. This was all a mess, and you wanted so badly to feel shame at everything you had done, but you were trying so hard just to–

“You’d think I’d let him live after what he did?”

“Osamu.” You weren’t sure you could bear it. You’d always sworn to kill whatever adversary Dazai and the Port Mafia faced, but Chuuya would always be an exception. You wanted him in your life as much as you wanted Dazai, someone you could trust without fail, who would listen to you complain even when it hurt him. “I won’t do it. He’s my friend. I thought he was yours too.”

Dark eyes full of disdain met your own, and he pinched your jaw once more, a mixture of devastating anger. “I can’t allow a traitor to live. I’ll kill him if you won’t. Then, I’ll kill you. Then myself.”

You shoved him away, suddenly wishing you weren’t so exposed, on display in the middle of the room. “Then fucking do it already, Dazai. What are you waiting for?” A tear broke free from your eye, and you wiped it furiously, not giving him a chance to mock you.

“Stop.” Chuuya finally spoke, his voice drawing your attention like a commandment, and you fell silent, refocusing on him as he bowed before you, dropping to his knees. Eyes locked onto your own without a single fear, cruel acceptance surrounding dark pupils. “It’s alright. I deserve to die. I’ve broken your trust, boss. I might as well be a traitor to the Mafia.” He swallowed, though he was unwavering. “I don’t want to live with this feeling any longer.”

“Don’t say that.” you spat, hating that such a strong man was giving himself over, exposing every weary weakness that he’d come to carry. “You don’t mean it.”

“I do.” He sighed, straightening his spine as he leaned forward towards your hand, much as you had done before, and you realized that this was such a sick, twisted change of fate. That the affection you’d always doubted was real after all, but Chuuya was still left playing the fool.

Perhaps, you were of the same vein, wanting desperately to die in the heavenly hand of the one you loved most. You could understand him for that. You could grant him one final wish.

“Do you regret any of it?” Dazai asked, as the wheels in your head spun, the decision dawning upon you, handed over from the ancient tragedies, rival even to the gloomy romances of Shakespeare.

Chuuya shifted towards the other man, looking into his cold, distant eyes. “No,” he said honestly, his jaw set. “I don’t regret it because now I know she’ll never love me. She’s all yours Dazai. Always has been. Always will be. Does that satisfy you?”

There wasn’t an ounce of fury in his expression when Dazai smiled back.

“You heard him,” Dazai said, lifting your limp arm by the elbow, pointing it like a skilled tutor. The gun was on Chuuya’s forehead, between his eyebrows, and your finger was on the trigger. Dazai’s whisper was like the Devil on your shoulder, and you were falling fast, your last shred of morality burnt from papery resolve. His hand supported your weakened muscles, guiding you along like you’d never before committed such an act. “You’re an assassin, aren’t you?”

You stiffened, narrowing your eyes before cocking the gun, mustering up the last bit of strength you had left. Chuuya couldn’t have looked more prepared for death, and you basked in Dazai’s prideful smile as he branded it into the crook of your neck.

“You’re certain?” you said to Chuuya, once more, hand no longer shaking despite your guilt.

The man, nothing more than a victim, nodded, and he had the audacity to smile, to look peaceful about his release from this life.

“I’m sorry, Chuuya. You shouldn’t have to bear the weight of my sin.” “It’s mine to carry, just as it is yours,” he scoffed, eyes hard with resolve. “Of all the things that would land me in Hell, I hardly believe this is the worst.”

You nodded, regrettably, and took a steely breath, erasing the heat the stung behind your eyes.

Then, you pulled the trigger. You waited for Chuuya’s brains to stain your floors, for the remnants of his skull to shatter all across the wall behind him. For the life to slowly drain from his stunningly bright eyes, leaving you with nothing but a corpse that would rot away wherever Dazai chose to toss his body.

Though, none of those things happened, and you stared at each other with fierce incredulity, knowing that you’d unwillingly become puppets in Dazai’s dramatic play, a show put on for no one’s entertainment but his own.

You’d been completely senseless, an idiot, really. The gun had felt lighter than usual, and you’d ignored it, even when you should’ve known it housed no bullets.

“Dazai?” you said in a low voice, dangerously, twisting to look at him from over your shoulder. An anger you’d never felt before had bubbled up inside of you, your heart thundering with a fierceness you hadn’t realized was a part of you. “There’s no bullets.”

“Obviously,” he scoffed, taking the gun away like it was but a toy, throwing it onto the armchair in the corner. “I’d never kill the strongest ability-user in the Mafia. You both should know me better by now.”

You scowled, the ugly expression marring your face, and Dazai frowned, leaning forward to appease you. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“You played me for a fool. Was all of this an act?” you cried, wondering if maybe Dazai had been lying this entire time. Maybe all those sweet words he said had never been true, and you had fallen for them anyway, like the mindless pawn you were.

“Which part?” Dazai asked, but you could tell that he knew what answer you sought, what lies you wanted to unveil.

“You know which part,” you said, moving away from him, not sure what emotion to grant control. You felt an intense amount of fury, misery, and pity for yourself, who’d never asked Dazai for anything but to be on your side, and he still couldn’t give you that. “Fuck you, Dazai.”

Your lip quivered, but if you’d begun to cry, shame would swallow you up and drown you in the dark abyss of misery. You would have no other choice but to throw yourself out the window, where everyone in the Port Mafia could bear witness to all the ways that Dazai had ruined you.

“Boss—”

Chuuya’s sentence was cut off sharply.

You’d tried to climb out of the bed, but Dazai had grabbed your wrist, stopping you before you could escape from him once and for all. Though he spoke to Chuuya, his eyes were hard on you, never leaving the set he stared into as you swallowed over and over, trying to think of anything but the sick feeling in your chest.

“You can leave now, Chuuya. Consider this your lucky day.” His voice was icy, threatening, and though Chuuya lingered a moment before climbing to his feet, he spared you nothing but a small glance in return.

You inhaled, then exhaled, trying to stop the simmering of blood within your veins, feeling the heavy weight of his hand on your wrist. As you sat there in silence, waiting for him to be the one to break it, you started to wonder how much of this was really Dazai’s fault, and how much you were the one to blame.

“It was a test.” Dazai tried to bring your attention back to him, letting only a fragment of emotion drain into his voice, though it was enough to slowly, slowly pique your fascination once more. “That was all.”

You wet your lips, though your tongue was just as papery. “So none of it was real.”

“What do you mean?” Dazai came to sit in front of you, his skin pale in the dark lighting, and you could see the cracks in his facade, and maybe this splinter in your failing relationship would slowly begin to heal itself. “Everything I said was very much real.”

His soft fingertips traveled up your arm, curling around your shoulder, across your collarbone, before settling in that delicate space between your jaw and your ear. There was a starry look in his eyes, the twin pair that had been exposed.

“Why would you do something like that to me?” you said, scrunching your face in remorse, wanting to slither away from him, even as he drew you closer, close enough to smell the expensive cologne he wore, the liquor that he favored when you were away. His hair had been freshly washed, and the smell of shampoo still lingered, even under the thin layer of sweat.

“Why would you do something like that to me?” Dazai countered, the hurt not veiled in the slightest this time, and it didn’t take a genius to know what he was talking about. Heat flooded to your cheeks, and you were looking away, wondering why he was pulling you close to his chest when he should be hating you with the passion of a thousand fiends. “How could I trust you after that?”

You parted your lips to speak, but your jaw was locked, and the inside of your mouth tasted like cotton.

“I’m not a good man,” Dazai said, kissing the shell of your ear, your temple, and you squeezed your eyes shut, clinging to his bicep. “You’ve always known this. Yet, for as often as you talk about me with disgust dripping from your words, I’ve never sought to bring you pain.” He breathed in deeply, and you buried your face into his chest, wondering how much longer it’d be before you wept. “You’ve caused me pain.”

You tried to cry out, to tell him that you never thought it would hurt him, but he’d seen the very same in you, hadn’t he? You’d never given him any indication that the coldness in his words was bothering you, that the blurred lines of your relationship were getting confusing and hurtful, and he had done the same.

“We’re not good for each other, Osamu,” you whispered quietly, your lip quivering. The weight of your voice shattered against your vocal cords.

He let out a breathy laugh, smiling against your forehead. “On the contrary, I think we’re the perfect fit.”

For what reason he believed that, you weren’t sure.

You clenched your jaw tight, but it didn’t stop the feeling of tears from overwhelming you, hot droplets that spilled heavy from your eyes, running off your chin to Dazai’s chest. Your hands shook, clenched around his arms so tightly you were sure you were breaking the skin.

Dazai pulled away, monitoring your face with concern. You hated the way he looked at you with such pity when he was the reason for such pain. Yet, you couldn’t help but curl into him, warm, never wanting to escape from his reverence. “Why are you crying, my sweet angel?”

Nausea soured your mouth, and the regret that tinged you, tainted you, was vastly overwhelming. It was horrible in a way that you’d never felt.

It struck you, then, that you’d been blind to Dazai’s every affection, too ignorant to notice the ways that they had shifted as his life did. He no longer held your hand over the table during meetings, but the chair beside his was just as grandiose, and he greeted you with something of a smile when you walked into each room. He no longer accompanied you on assignments, but you were always taken care of, in a hotel most people couldn’t afford with a partner that could singlehandedly take out a hundred men. He no longer picked you flowers from a wild field as he’d done as a boy, but the vase on the table always held a beautiful bouquet of deep, red roses, without a single wilting flower.

Chuuya, all this time, all these years had been right. There was no use in loving Dazai if you couldn’t stand him in his darkest hour, the bitter ugly side of him that no one wanted to see.

You’d never thought about it, really, but you’d changed just as he had. Everyone in the Mafia had blood on their hands, was ruined in more ways than one, and you were no exception. If loving Dazai meant loving those parts of him, then loving you meant just the same.

The tears fell harder, and Dazai seemed panicked, stricken, always so oblivious when it came to the affairs of your heart, and sometimes he tried, but you couldn’t hate him if he didn’t.

“I’m sorry,” you said pitifully, knowing from the spoiled heart in your very chest had ruined everything. “I’m sorry.” You said it again and again until Dazai was shushing you, running a large, cool palm down your back, the only way he knew to soothe you.

“I wish I’d never done it. I wish I’d just spoken to you, asked you, anything—” you wiped your face, heavy breaths stuttering before Dazai took your hands away, and erased the tears for you. “I just thought you hated me. It was the only thing that made sense.”

Dazai smiled sadly, because no one had taught him to love. How was he to know that he’d been doing it wrong all this time. “I wish I’d seen it before. I didn’t mean to push you away.” He sighed, dropping his head to your shoulder with a weariness that he’d been born with. “I’m sorry.”

A tingling sensation began under your skin, and you were warm all over, realizing just how much that apology had meant to you. For some reason, it felt like coming home.

The strong grip that nostalgia had on you gradually began to melt away.

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ariesmoontarot · 2 months

Text

𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝙽𝚎𝚡𝚝 𝚁𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚙:

(What it’ll be like, the energy they’ll give off, how they’ll feel about you, the purpose of this relationship, their next actions, & advice.) (For some of you this is a current relationship.)

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘗𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘴: (left to right)

♡book a reading here♡

Pile One:

Hey, pile one. It's clear to see your next partner will feel like they feel true love with you. You will be teaching them important life lessons, and because of the way you love them, it's going to help them see their worth. They may have been in unhealthy relationships in the past and I feel like with you they're able to let their guard down and be open. I feel like they had trust issues and settled for less than they deserved in their past relationships and in general, but with you they finally see what love should be like.

The connection between you and this person is definitely not new. This is someone you have history with. If you don't resonate you may want to choose a different pile. So, what I'm getting is that this person has been carrying a lot when it comes to how they feel. They haven't been letting you see how they feel, talking about it, or asking for help even though they feel like they need it. They're going to be feeling indecisive, confused, and second guessing themselves because they're scared of making a choice to commit or not to commit. They know they'll lose out on a good person, and I feel like for some of you, they're having a hard time choosing between you and another person, or whether they want to commit or not. It's like they have this one foot in one foot out energy. Whatever the case may be, I see this person trying to balance out their life. Financially, romantically, spiritually, and emotionally. Maybe even their family life as well. They're definitely going to be juggling a lot all at once and trying to keep everything under control. I feel like they haven't been taking any action or putting in effort into the relationship with you and it feels like they're a bit closed off and hesitant to open up to you because of their fear and insecurities. They could've been a player or was stuck in their ways and with you I feel like you made them feel something they've never felt and even if they hide it well from you, they feel deeply for you. For some of you this person will confess how they feel unexpectedly, and it won't happen right away. You may already or will be going through a period of hot and cold energy, ups and downs, talking then not talking until you guys finally come together. If you even want to be with them. I am seeing that you will feel tied to them still. For some of you, this person may be someone you have history with like I said, and you separated, and during that time they got with someone else but didn't fully commit to that person because they still felt for you, and you felt for them as well, but this wasn't ever said by them. Maybe by you though.

The energy of your person when you guys are going to be getting in a relationship will come off as them being very patient, career oriented, and ambitious. I feel like they're learning to think long term and more practical about the connection with you. In the past they may have not been someone who normally committed or really invested their time and energy into the right things. I feel like they used to think in a more temporary way and let their immaturities and bad habits get in the way. They're going to be the one to initiate having a committed relationship with you because I feel like it aligns with their goals and plans that they have for their future. They see you being a part of it, and I feel like they weren't an honest person in the past. They used to be very sneaky and maybe even deceptive. They also never expressed how they truly felt to anyone because of their own fears. I feel like they'll be wanting to heal with you and spend time alone away from others, meaning blocking the outside noise and interferences out so they could focus more on the relationship with you and bettering themselves. I feel like they will feel very frustrated with themselves because they allowed disruptions and third-party situations to get in the way of them showing up and being there for you. They will be strengthening their faith and cleansing themselves of all the things that got in the way of the relationship and their growth. They will have faith that things are going to get better, and I see them being confident in their approach and wanting to build a home and the create the feeling of success with you. I feel like when they think of their best self they think of you. They only feel like their best when they're around you and you remind them of love. (I literally cried on this part). I feel like you are what they need in a healthy way. You encourage them and inspire them to be better. I see them definitely surprising you and unexpectedly coming clean about how they feel about you.

I feel like this person was very superficial and let materialistic things including their ego control them. This affected the relationship between you guys because they weren't being as genuine as they should have been. I see them feeling bad and really guilty because they know you're the victim in a sense. They know they messed up and they can't run from it anymore. You could have left them because you were fed up with how they acted and treated you. I feel like this triggered them and they realized like "damn they really leaving me." When you guys are getting into this commitment with each other all of this will be on their mind. The history, how they made you feel, how they want to change, and how they want to treat and love you the way you deserved to be loved. They ignored the love and passion they felt for you because it was too intense. Not in a bad way either, they just couldn't handle it. I feel like they don't want to let you go. They don't want to lose you and they will feel a bit powerless because I feel like they're insecure. They don't know if things will work between you guys, but they want them to. I feel like they lack the confidence because your answer or how you feel will determine whether or not you guys are really done. They will be a bit scared of coming towards you and expressing how they feel, but they will. They want to heal and let go of the past. They also want you to heal and they know how much they've disappointed you. I feel like they were feeling so ashamed because you were good to them, and they took you for granted. They trust you; they love you, and they feel like you are the one for them the timing just wasn't right in the past. They want to protect you and the relationship from anything that tries to destroy it again, even themselves. They don't want to hurt you anymore and I feel like they genuinely want to change their life for the better to be able to have you in it. I feel like they cry about you a lot as well.

The purpose of this relationship is to teach the both of you valuable lessons about your self worth, faith, and life in general. I feel like you both will learn forgiveness, honesty, and how to really be your genuine selves. You both argued a lot and I feel like there was so many harsh words said, and painful experiences learned throughout the connection itself and even not being involved with each other, but still being on and off, you both learned lessons with other people and situations too. I feel like for them the lesson was way bigger than it was for you just because they've genuinely never felt deep love and a real connection with someone. That's not to say you felt any different than they do, but it hit them really deep and took them a lot longer to catch on to the truth of their feelings, let alone the connection itself. You both will learn that good things take time and they're challenging. Sometimes you gotta go through hell and back just to find peace. This relationship will lead to commitment and marriage and give the both of you what you really need out of a connection. I also feel like the connection happened so suddenly for the both of you and it was a miracle. Like it was divine intervention when you guys met each other. Could've even been at a party or through a cousin and/or friend. It caught the both of you off guard and neither of you expected to fall in love with each other or to be where you are in the point of time when you're actually committing to each other for the long run. Some of you will even have kids together and things will feel so surreal, almost like a dream come true. I feel like things were going really good in the beginning and maybe even a little too fast and you both needed to learn big lessons so God took the connection and started created situations and experiences so that way you guys can both slow down and start paying attention to the things you needed to see. It may have felt like the worst things started happening and the relationship just started to fall apart out of nowhere, but really it was coming together, and your old lives were changing massively and the energies that kept you stuck were being purged and released. I feel like you both learned to have faith and to trust in divine timing and not your own. It's like God placed you two together and even when you tried to run from them, you couldn't. It's the same way for them. Neither of you can explain the connection or how you feel about each other, but it's deep and it's real.

Your person's next actions will be taking responsibility for their decisions. I feel like they know everything they did to hurt you and all that stuff. I see them wanting to make up for it and they will through their actions literally. There will be challenges of course and a lot of conflict surrounds your person in some way. I feel like there's just obstacles and difficulties they will be dealing with and trying to overcome within themselves and in their life. They are going to restore balance and harmony in the relationship, it's just going to take patience and perseverance and they want to know if you're on board or not, so I see them communicating to you what it is they want and waiting for your response. I also feel like they're going to be tapping into their intuition to try and feel your energy in some way. Like they're going to be trying to read you and look deeper into what you say and do because I feel like you are a bit mysterious and they want to know what's on your mind and what you're doing, feeling, who's around you, and everything. I feel like they're a bit nosey because they care whether or not you're entertaining someone else or if there's something bothering you, they just care about the small things, and they don't want to miss a detail or accidentally miss that you are upset or struggling in some way and just not showing or telling them. I also feel like if you were unfaithful to them in some way, they are going to be working on healing from this. If that doesn't resonate, they're releasing past trauma and fears due to deception that happened in their past. They're also scared of trusting you because of their own deception and how they mistreated you. They don't want you to take revenge or somehow get back at them for hurting you. I also feel like it's hard for them to get through to you. You can come off as very cold, detached, and not revealing too much when you're upset, and they don't want you to leave them so I see them doing all they can to mend things with you.

The advice for you is to learn from your past, use your wisdom and discernment moving forward. Know that endings bring new beginnings and it's time for change. This relationship will change and grow from where it is currently and so will you. Embracing change and learning to live life open mindedly will help you. Letting go of pessimistic feelings and feelings of resentment, apathy, and bitterness will benefit you and the relationship itself. Being happy on your own and learning to embrace your own company and feeling content within yourself no matter what. You will be successful and when you allow yourself to feel accomplished and happy you will start to manifest changes in all areas of your life. I see a wish fulfillment happening and Spirit is saying to allow the energy of expansion into your life. Do new things that bring you joy, connect with others, be open to change, and embrace the lessons you've learned. You gotta learn to open yourself up wholeheartedly. It's also important to embrace the present moment and allow yourself to feel joyful and abundant. Have more gratitude and compassion towards yourself and others.

Pile Two:

Hey pile two! I feel like your current or next partner will be someone who felt love at first sight with you. They could definitely love your smile and same for you about them. I feel like there is a very deep spiritual connection between you guys and none of the superficial things can get in the way of that. You both love each other deeply and you'll be very supportive of each other in every way. I also feel like this person will be someone you can always depend on to be there, and they'll always be your biggest fan, lifting you up when you're down, investing in you, and I feel like quality time will be a big thing between you.

The relationship between you guys will move very gradually. It'll take some time, effort, and patience to build up the momentum. However, I feel like the attraction and connection will happen very quickly. Things will be very passionate, and I feel like they'll be caring, charismatic, and show you exactly how they feel about you, boldly. I see both of you balancing and healing each other in the places needed. They will be someone who is very mature and they know exactly what they want and how to get it. Not in a bad way. I also feel like sexually there will be intense chemistry and it'll be very exciting. This could be a new person for a lot of you. I see them showering you with love, affection, and attention. They definitely want to provide for you, support you, and lead you in a good direction. I feel like things will be so peaceful and flow almost effortlessly, but of course you both have to put in effort. This relationship will be divinely guided, and I feel like there is this telepathic, magical, feeling you get with them. It's like you connect very deeply in every way and sometimes you know what they're going to say or do before they even do it. It's like you read each other's energy. I also feel like the third eye chakra is very significant. You may have had dreams about this person or intuitive nudges like yeah this is the one. I also feel like in the beginning, obviously commitment won't happen immediately. It's going to take time because you're both finishing certain cycles in your life and letting go of toxic behaviors and addictions. I feel like you may be frustrated in the beginning because you don't quite understand why things are happening the way they are and you may be facing obstacles that require you to have a great deal of patience and persistence. I feel like things won't be super emotional at first because you and this person are being pushed to focus on creating stability for yourselves and learning how to feel abundant without all the superficial things. Sometimes you both may wish you can just be together and forget all of the problems and responsibilities in the world. There is a lot you won't see in the beginning but give it time things will bloom when they're meant to.

So, the energy this person will give off is someone who is charming, exciting, idealistic, and very assertive and passionate. I feel like they will be experiencing a hard period of their life when you meet them. I feel like for some of you this is someone you already know who take it how it resonates, but there is distance and separation. I feel they may feel frustrated and moody because of it. Whatever they're going through, they're going to be quite overwhelmed and guarded over their feelings. I feel like they may be scared that you will leave them, and they've been in very toxic situations to where they're a bit co-dependent at times. There is an energy of co-dependency here. It could also be them fighting addictions and bad habits of co-dependency relating to a drug or specific thing that they indulge in. I see them being very loving, generous, and affectionate to you because they don't want to lose you. They're going to be open to receiving your love and anything you give them because they want a relationship with you. I do feel like you know things about this person that they're scared of, almost like they're assuming you may hold it against them. They may have been a player, a liar, a cheater, doesn't have the best reputation and they're aware of it. I also feel like for some of you if you already know this person, they may have ghosted you and entertained other people, and you feel for deeply them but you're not about to allow yourself to be played. It's like they wanted you to chase them at some point. I feel like if that's the case for you, you distanced yourself from this person and they're aware of it. They may even be avoiding you themselves. They will come in to ask for your forgiveness and hope to balance things out between you guys again. For others, I feel like this person did some dirt in the past either to you or in another situation, and it's catching up to them and their karma will be weighing on them and the connection they have with you. They'll be trying to make the best of the situation, but it's going to be challenging for them to be open and emotionally available for a little bit because of the guilt and burdens they may be releasing. For those of you that know this person, they came to you with this strong and passionate energy in the beginning, then I feel like you bonded quickly and connected so deeply it scared them and they went on full defense mode and started acting nonchalant. They are used to being in control and dominating others, but with you they feel a bit vulnerable. I see they may have started acting different with you and stopped doing the things they did to get you in the first place. Their energy switched up.

I feel like they really do love you and they don't quite know how to show you that. You're so gentle, kind, nurturing, and protective of them. They love you for who you are, and I feel like they have a vision for their future with you in it. They're just really anxious and scared of opening up to you because of their insecurities. They have trust issues and fear emotional intimacy. They feel like you're very self-assured and independent. You guys will share the same goals, values, and morals. I feel like they want to be a team with you and come together to make things work. They want to overcome challenges and obstacles together, but it's just taking time to get to where they feel open to expressing this to you. Cigarettes After Sex could be significant. I feel like for you, you haven't met the best type of people when it comes to relationships, and it sometimes makes you feel a lack of faith in love. They feel like you're looking ahead and trying your best to stay motivated and focused no matter what happens in life. You don't want to get too distracted or sad especially about them, but they feel your energy. They feel like you're in a low spirit and feeling a bit hurt emotionally. They've seen your best or at least your uplifted energy and they know you're struggling right now no matter how much you keep it together. I feel like they feel you're scared to love again, and you hide how you feel because of it. You don't normally open up about how you feel, it could be because of a lack of trust or fear. You might even be really cold at times even though you don't want to be. Even if you don't know this person, which most of you do but they will feel your energy heavily. I speak in the present moment because it's energy, but it doesn't mean it's happening now in this moment although it could be. I feel like you feel depleted of your compassion and sympathy, and they feel this too. They know you're very discerning and careful about who you love and where you invest your time, love, and energy. They actually admire how smart, independent, and compassionate you are. I feel like deep down they know you love so deeply. It's just the energy you give off.

The purpose of this relationship is to teach the both of you how to get out of your own heads and to open yourself up to new things in life. It's like the both of you are going to be in need of excitement, optimism, and passion. Life may be a little dull and this connection is going to brighten things up for the both of you. I feel like this is a divine relationship and together you will accomplish many things you didn't know you would. It's definitely going to teach you both how to be patient with good things. I also feel like you will both learn to deepen your faith and start listening to your intuition more often. I see both of you learning to let go of things that you deeply held onto for the sake of your own pride and learning how to trust in God's plan for your life. You both will be feeling more confident and like your best selves around each other and when you're apart you'll definitely feel each other's energy even stronger. I also feel like you will go through a lot with this person and it's going to show you that no matter how much time passes, how challenging things get, or how far apart you are, love will always win. Music will be a big thing between you as well. You and this person may overthink your feelings about each other because you never felt anything this deep. It's so easy to just walk away and settle for something less because putting in real time and effort is hard sometimes. It's hard to open up and truly be open with your love and show yourself for who you really are. But for this love, I see both of you learning to surrender and letting go of control.

I see them realizing they like themselves better with you and taking actions to open themselves up to you. I feel like they're going to be very excited when they pursue you about their feelings and they have this very gleeful, childlike energy when it comes to you. Not in an immature way either. It's like they feel safe and comfortable around you. You bring happiness into their life where they only felt darkness. I feel like they're putting down the swords and done being closed off about how they feel. They put themselves in a place to be in a combative energy towards you anytime you wanted to speak your mind to them. It's like they didn't want to understand you and didn't try to be open to a thing you said to them. They stuck to their beliefs and what they felt like they wanted to say or do and shut you out in a way. They're going to reciprocate the love you gave to them back to you. I feel like they're also reflecting back on good memories or conversations they had with you to remind them of how good it feels to be in your presence. They're gonna come in quickly and unexpectedly because they felt eager to act upon their feelings. They are confident things will be very good between you guys and there is so much potential to create in this relationship that they will be ready and determined to make it happen. Like I said before, if they entertained someone else or got with someone else, all they thought about was you. They love you and they been known this, they just never said anything because they were too much in their ego to act upon what they really wanted. I feel like the changes they needed to make, they weren't ready to make, and out of the literal blue you can expect them to express how they feel. If you don't know this person, I feel like you will get in a connection with someone not expecting of this to happen, but then it does and catches you off guard. Of course, every situation is different, but you will know where the pieces fit for your life. Your love moves this person in ways they can't even explain so know that they will mean whatever it is they say to you.

The advice for you is to move on from the past experiences, thoughts, feelings, and people that are interfering with you and your growth. I feel like you'll have let go of things that negatively impact your thoughts about love and this relationship in general. Move at your own pace when it comes to opening up emotionally and be more patient with yourself. There is no need to rush. Things will move at a steady pace for you two anyways because of how they feel as well. I feel like working on your confidence and building stability within yourself will help you in general and in the connection. There may be a certain attitude you've been feeling towards life at this time that may feel apathetic, unhappy, and just a bit miserable honestly. This is the time to focus on changing this, so it doesn't affect you or your relationship later down the road. It's time to let yourself live and experience the feeling of joy. Also let go of the fear of rejection. I know it's easier said than done, but it's affecting your self-esteem negatively to where you don't want to love or open yourself up anymore. You may tell yourself you're fine with being alone, you don't need to be in a relationship, you don't want to be with them anymore, but in reality you actually do. You're hurting over things they did that hurt you or over things from past relationships and it's putting you in a resentful and bitter type of energy. This is what you need to focus on in this very moment. Being mad and angry won't solve anything. It's okay to feel disappointed and upset, but do not live in that energy forever. Don't build your life around your pain. Learn from what happened in your past with them or in general so you can fully open up to this person. Don't allow gossip or other people to get in your head about them. You know how you feel. Other people don't really understand how you feel deep down about certain things and it's not good to always take advice from others. I also feel like if you gossip about things that happen in your love life, it's better to keep things to yourself. This new person or new energy of a current person is someone you are meant to be with. It'll work if both people are willing. You must be willing to do your part as well.

Pile Three:

Hi pile three! I feel like you and your current or next partner will feel like you are ride or die. I see you both sticking together and never against each other no matter what. I feel like even when you may argue or disagree you come back together quickly and always forgive each other. You also will be deeply intimate with each other in every way, and I feel like they'll never want to let you go. I'm feeling this energy like you both will have gone through a lot in terms of love, and taking deep breaths to relax yourself will benefit you greatly and help to loosen up a bit, especially if you've been feeling tense emotionally. I feel like for those of you who know this person already, they are sorry about neglecting you and not being as supportive and loving as they could've been. You may not trust them or have a hard time listening to anything they say because of how they've disappointed or betrayed you in some way. Take that how it resonates. For others I feel like sometimes you may doubt this person's love for you and not fully trust that they mean what they say because of your past. They will be a bit distracted or not as focused on you in the beginning of the connection/relationship because I feel like they may be focused on work, or something else is taking up their time and energy. I definitely see if this is a current relationship, you're going through a bit of a rough patch, and you don't feel as open and trusting when it comes to this person. They feel like they're going to have to dig deep within themselves to learn how to better express their love and make certain life changes because they don't want you to leave them or see you with someone else for that matter.

The relationship itself will be balanced and harmonious between you. I feel like you bring light to their world and help them understand themselves and love better than they ever have. I feel like the relationship is going to help both of you feel more complete and happier with each other. At times both of you feel dissatisfied and a lack of confidence in the connection because of fear. These fears are things that kept the both of you stuck and feeling like you had to escape this relationship or intimacy in general. I feel like both of you dealt with toxicity in love. I see you and this person are both people who overthink your feelings and experiences to the point where you may self-sabotage or make fear-based decisions at times. I feel like you and this person will be going through a phase in your life where work could be draining, you're dealing with family conflicts, conflict in your relationship, or just in life. Whatever it is, things have felt a bit cold and lonely emotionally, either during your current relationship or when you meet your new person. You're both going to be deeply in love but in the initial stages of the connection, I feel like things will be a little dull and not as emotional between you. I see them feeling a bit insecure and unsure of their self. I feel like they're learning their self-worth and trying to feel more grounded within themselves because the changes that are happening around them are a bit overwhelming and I feel like they're trying to embody an independent and self-assured energy. Sometimes they also may come off as very confident and like everything is fine, maybe even a bit egotistical at times. I feel like they're going to be trying to hold onto you and the relationship and trying to do just enough to keep you from leaving, but not enough to maintain the relationship. You may feel a bit sad and shut out by them in a way and I feel like they're too distracted to really notice or empathize with how you're feeling. They're going feel unhappy with what they have materialistically speaking and taking you for granted in a sense. It's like they're hyper focused on boosting themselves up and too scattered to actually see how they're affecting the connection. I see they feel deep love for you, but I see them trying to hide how they really feel and only reveal so much because they feel like how they feel is a burden to them in some way. I feel like in a way they are at a distance from you, and they feel like if they allow themselves to feel too much, they're going to lose control in some way. I feel like this person doesn't necessarily know how to multitask. They're also very scared of change. When they focus on the relationship, they really focus on it, but their main priorities or what they value more comes first. They could feel like in order to have a relationship for the long run they have to be financially stable. They want to feel good and abundant so they can share this with their partner. I feel like they just need someone who will believe in them and support them. Someone who will be patient. I see they will have their guard up and they're carrying this heavy weight because deep down they are actually so stressed out, they just don't share their burdens with others. I feel like they're going to be a little upset with themselves because they feel like they're missing out on some type of change or opportunity to physically be there with you, but they're trying to do things in a way they feel like is right. Take that how it resonates. For some of you, this person literally can't be there physically right now so they're focusing on what they can control. Whether that means they're incarcerated, in a different city/state, or somehow just not near you. They will open up to you about how they feel it's just going to take some patience. They'll need to let go of their ego and be more open to change and learn to balance their priorities out a bit more.

The energy they'll give off is someone who is very confident within themselves and I feel like they are someone who has game. They definitely pull people in a charming way. I feel like they are used to getting their way and with you things are different. They feel like they fell in love with you in a mysterious way. Almost like it was very sudden and unexpected. They didn't think things would go the way they did or will between you guys. I also feel like they will do things to test your love for them. Maybe intentionally or maybe just habitually speaking. They feel deeply for you, so they question whether you feel the same way. They give off this energy like they're going to be enjoying themselves and life. I also feel like they have a bit of an old school vibe. Like early 2000's player vibes. It's giving Justin Timberlake, Usher, Chris Brown. They're also very flirty and playful. I also feel like they're gonna feel like they enjoy being around you and things are fun. However, they don't feel like this is just some little one-night stand, summer fling type of thing. They want to love you. They just have this image they portray, and I feel like you see right past it. They hide their true feelings and I feel like intuitively you'll know this. They either already have or will be someone who gets caught up in the superficial things. I feel like they did have that image of trying to be someone who got it like that when they really don't. They're guarded in love and trying to pretend to be someone they aren't. Unfortunately, they're gonna need to slow down and take a deep look within and they are going to be forced to do this by divine intervention. I feel like they spend more money than they have, they love the finer things, and they feel materialistic things bring happiness, but they're going to come to realize that's not what makes them happy. They were impulsive, reckless, and a little too free spirited. I feel like they give off this foolish and naive energy. A bit childish even. However, it's their ego. Around the time when you are meeting or getting in a commitment with this person, I feel like they're going to be closing this chapter of their life and learning that they need to grow up. For some of you they messed up with you many times and they're going to want to make up for this. They're in this fantasy of not really knowing how to discern between what is temporary and what isn't. I feel like you just gotta have some patience with them because they are learning. Compassion is needed from you and even if they don't show that they appreciate it, they really do. They know you love them. Despite everything that you may have gone through with them and even them not understanding what temporary fulfillment is, through all this confusion they are only sure of one thing and that is you. You bring balance to their life. I feel like they're going to be going through some karma, legal matters, or a situation where they're facing the consequences of their actions in some way. So, if they're struggling it's just their karma and a valuable life lesson not to take things for granted, especially people who deeply love and care for them. If this is a current person, I feel like they're thinking of the gossip surrounding the connection with you and maybe just gossip about themselves too. They're guilty and if they deceived you, I'm hearing others know about this. Their ego just felt a need to prove others wrong, but they can't hide the truth about who they really are forever. The truth came to light and they're guilty about all of the wrong doings they have done. I feel like people they thought loved them deceived them too as a result of their karma for deceiving you and others and trying to manipulate the outcome of fate. I feel like they're starting to see how they may have judged you and treated you unfairly. They listened to another person gossip about you and made the mistake of taking their side. I feel like they released this person and they're seeing how they were deceived by them.

I see your person resting, trying to spend time self-reflecting, & trying to sleep off how they feel about everything. They want to protect this connection from outside interferences, and I see them healing. They're hoping for a miracle or something grand to happen that will bring change and growth into their life.

How they feel about you is like you lead them in a positive direction. They feel lost without you. You inspire them, motivate them, encourage them, love them, and your very supportive. I feel like you bring them so much joy and happiness. With you they have sight, and they feel a drive to change their life for the better. They want you. No matter how they may act or what front they put on, they want to be with you and only you. They regret not being there for you the way you deserve deep down. They had to do all these things just to distract themselves from feeling how they really feel about you. They want to admit it to you that they were wrong about how they may have acted or treated you and I feel like when they do they know you're going to take pride in it. But not in a bad way, you just know they were wrong and hearing them admit it to you is relieving. I feel like because you want to make sure they're aware of how they hurt you. I'm hearing the song "Here Comes the Sun". I feel like this is a sign clarity and healing are coming. Joy is on its way, and I feel like aside from the worldly things, they know they love you no matter what. This could be someone you grew up with or knew from a younger age for some of you. You've been there through it all. I feel like you met this person when they had nothing. You witnessed them change up and reach a higher point in life just to fall down. But there you are, there for them. You are their backbone. But it's been lonely waiting for them to reciprocate. You give and give, and they know it's their turn to give back. They don't want you to leave them or be unfaithful in some way. Maybe in the past for those of you who are with this person, you both deceived each other. They don't want this to happen and they're afraid you may be unfaithful to them. That's why communication is a bit difficult. Talking to them is challenging at times. They're a bit combative and I feel like they don't necessarily listen or hear you out. They also feel like you may be like this to them too. Even if you guys don't have a history of deceiving each other and this is all fresh, communication is still a bit challenging. Sometimes a little conflict can be healthy and create a feeling of passion between you when it's resolved but be sure not to let your ego just create stress and arguments for the sake of being right. I feel like now is a good time to just go with the flow and let things fall into place. You're a light in their life and I feel like they're at a standstill and feeling a bit stagnant with you right now, but it's because they're learning to see things from a different perspective. You're a bit irritated with them, because of how they've treated you but the best thing to do is reflect and take some time to relax and think before you rush into speaking your mind or acting a certain way towards them. Having more compassion always helps, even when you're tired of loving. If you're overly stressed take a step back and ground yourself. I feel like they just want to get past this with you. All of the challenges and obstacles you've been through together, they just want to overcome these hard times with you. They know the easiest thing to do is leave and maybe that's what they did instead of working things out with you because they know when you speak your mind you really speak it. They could be scared to really open up about how they feel because they know how you feel and how you're upset. They also know how you communicate when you're stressed, you can be a bit hostile or irritable, but for good reason. I see them letting go of this victim mentality and realizing the pain and disappointment they've caused you too. They feel like you guys complete each other and I see them wanting to marry you. Acts of service could be a love language here and I see them really wanting to take care of you and just support you. I'm hearing "in sickness and health". They're finally going to see the way forward with you clearly. I feel like they want to build with you and create success together.

They also feel like you have too much pride too sometimes. Your egos clash, but I see you letting go of your pride and just opening up to them. You’re tired of fighting, arguing, not talking, or just always wanting to be right and so are they. I feel like no one is truly right and both of you are in the wrong in your own ways.

The purpose of this relationship is to teach both of you how to be true to yourselves. I see you both learning to set healthier boundaries and how to express your true feelings positively. This person is learning how to mature emotionally meanwhile you’re learning to mature mentally and change the way you perceive and see into situations. You both bring each other so much joy and love. I feel like you also heal each other’s inner child. I see you both creating the family and home life you’ve always wanted as a child. That revolves around stability, love, security, peace, safety, & a foundation that isn’t temporary. I feel like you both want to have a good life. I mean who doesn’t you know? But together you will both complement each other in ways that are perfect. I feel like you were both divinely made for each other. That’s cliche but it’s true. This is a connection God is helping to be restored and healed. You both could’ve even prayed for God to mend things between you in some way. I see both of you strengthening your faith and learning how to be optimistic even in the hardest of times. You’re both stronger and able to endure more things in life because of everything you’ve been through or will go through together. All things will work together for the greater good.

Their next actions are to heal and spend time self reflecting learning more about themselves. I see them alone, in solitude trying to understand how they feel and why they do the things they do. It’s like they’re trying to understand how everything they’ve ever done led up to the point they’re already in or will be. Especially in the relationship I feel like they want to learn from their mistakes and change their approach. They want to love you better and be better for the connection and for themselves. They are tired of temporary things. I see them learning their worth and how to truly value themselves and love. They’re learning to have respect, understanding, compassion, and patience. I also feel like they’re someone who was stuck in their ways for a long time. I see them gaining clarity about the person they were and how their actions affected this connection or how they love in general. They will express their feelings to you and come clean about how much they’ve been hiding in terms of their love for you. I also see an apology for some of you. I also see they’re going to be more dedicated and faithful. I see them being more perseverant and not giving up at first sight of complications. They’re learning that facing challenges head on and learning to work through them and problem solve is better than just running and ignoring the problems they face. Especially when it comes to saying what needs to be said and doing what needs to be done. They’re maturing in ways they’ve never imagined. Obviously there is always a point in life where we must literally grow up and face things that are uncomfortable in our adult life and they’re learning that those temporary ways and things from their teenage years or young adult life isn’t the way to live forever. Life isn’t always going to be all fun and carelessly adventurous. We must take the time, energy, and effort to nurture and care for the things we want to grow. We can’t just be flighty and scattered all the time and expect things to flourish in a productive and long term way. I see them learning this and making the changes to be more diligent and practical about their approach to the relationship and their life. I also see them being more appreciative of you and the good things in life. They’re going to be more responsible and I see them developing integrity.

The advice for you is to be more patient. Love yourself more, forgive, and take the time to nurture those parts of you that feel most vulnerable. I feel like if you’re stressed out and feeling very tense that is a sign you need time to ground yourself and pull your energy back towards you. Find ways to create peace and stability emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You don’t want to take out negative feelings on others accidentally or unintentionally. It’s easy to project our fears and insecurities on others when we are overwhelmed or burdened by thoughts. It’s also good to communicate how we feel, but not coming from a scattered or negative way. Communicate your emotions in a healthy way not in a way where you are blaming others or being a bit insensitive. Carefully express how you feel. Giving yourself the time to feel your emotions and sort them out before explaining them always helps. I also feel like be careful and discerning about who you consult in for advice. Don’t always listen to others opinions or feelings about your situations. Nobody knows what’s best for you like you do. Sometimes people will have good advice for you, but not always. Not everyone understands your situation and some people are biased. I feel like you can overthink your feelings and experiences at times and it puts you in a place of fear and self sabotage. You may feel trapped in your mind and the hurt replays over and over in your mind. Know that your life doesn’t only consist of betrayal and deception. It’s not meant to be continuously painful. It’s all about how you see it and your perspective on your experiences. Do you try to see things positively? There is a lesson in everything you go through & even if you don’t understand things right away you will in time. But it doesn’t mean to stop living and enjoying life when you feel hurt. Life involves taking chances and risks because you never know what may happen. But how will you learn and experience things if you don’t allow yourself to? Moving past betrayal and traumatic experiences is important for your growth and your future. Self reflection and spending time in solitude will help you understand yourself better and how you feel. You will overcome every challenge you face even if it doesn’t seem like it. Time never stops and you heal with time even when you don’t want to or have a hard time moving forward. You are forced to move forward always. It’s good to listen to other peoples ideas or plans and come together with people who inspire you or help you grow. Even if it’s forgiving those who have hurt you and working with them to create a better outcome. You gotta learn to trust yourself more and tap into your inner voice. Not your fear or your critical mind, your intuitive side. Your inner wisdom. Be more kind to yourself too. I feel like you may be self critical at times and overthink the negative things you don’t like about yourself and others. Change the way you approach others and situations. Cultivate the feeling of confidence and strength. Find what moves you. What brings you joy and creativity? I also feel like when someone hurts you or is a bit rude and judgmental over you, try to remain calm and collected. It’s best to approach situations kindly and mindfully. Don’t react impulsively and irrationally. It’s time to get out of your head and more into your physical life. That involves making changes, taking action, leading your life in a more positive direction. Rather than staying still and overthinking everything, start doing and feeling. Own your energy and show off that confidence!

Pile Four:

Hi pile four! I feel like your person is in love with you and no matter what happens they love you. Even if you aren’t talking they just want you to know they deeply care for you and I feel like they hope you feel the same for them. They also think about you a lot and people think their crazy for feeling so deeply for you but they won’t deny their love. I also feel like some of you may meet this person after an ending of a tough relationship. Others of you already know this person and after a tough phase of your relationship with them I feel like you’re in this energy of feeling a bit triggered by them, but you’re independent and I see you focused on positive things and moving forward no matter what. You don’t let things get to you and control the way you behave or live your life. I feel like you’re very confident and true to yourself. You know your worth and you know when to set the limit and establish boundaries. You’re very passionate and strong willed. I feel like they love this about you. I feel that after facing tough challenges, obstacles, setbacks, and hard situations you’re maturing and evolving in every way. I feel like something someone else or this person did triggered you and pushed you to endure painful things that pushed you into becoming who you truly are.

I feel like if you guys ever argue or get into tough situations they will want to resolve it quickly because they don’t like to be on bad terms with you. Especially over little things. They feel it’s a waste of energy to be mad or angry. They’d rather be loving you and enjoying things. I feel like you both can’t sleep and you struggle a bit when you’re upset with each other. I see that you got them invested in you. They want to change their ways and love you in the way you deserve. I’m not even hyping you up but the energy doesn’t lie. I feel like things will be very balanced between you and this is someone you will build with financially and romantically. The type of relationship you’ll have for the long run. I feel like you dealt with that noncommittal, doubtful, & unfaithful energy. Either from them or your past relationship. I feel like you’re fighting for love and you’ve endured so much loss and hardship just trying to get the things you want in life. In this relationship I feel like you may be a bit tired and emotionally drained in a way because of all you’ve experienced. There is deep love and passion here but I see you’re going to be struggling with feeling enthusiastic and empathetic because of some type of deception you’ve dealt with. Your trust isn’t there as much as it could be and you’re guarded. I feel like you’re being logical and taking your time with opening yourself up instead of just acting on a desire or a temporary feeling. You’re standing on business fr. I see you don’t let people in easily and they’re gonna have to fight for your love. It’s like prove it. “Don’t say it to me, I want you to show me” energy. You’re letting go of past energies and feelings and just going through a massive change. I feel like you’re ready for new things and making healthier decisions in love and life overall. You’ve been broke down and completely hurt in terms of love and you aren’t tolerating any less than you deserve. I feel like In the beginning of the relationship things will be challenging and they’ll take time to progress. You’re very loving, nurturing, and empathetic but you are also very generous with your love and I feel that you’ve been taken advantage of in the past so you won’t come off as this right away. You are going to be getting over insecurities and letting go of bad habits that create fear. I feel like you’re guarding your heart and protecting your energy so you don’t get manipulated or charmed. For some of you if this is a current partner, they may have did this to you and you’re just not having it. I see you focused on yourself and growing. Although you will love this person you won’t be very open at first. Things are a bit mysterious here and I feel like sometimes it’s hard for them to read your energy and understand how you really feel. You’re very independent and self assured and I feel like they know you don’t need anyone so apart of them feels insecure and like they aren’t good enough for you. They’re used to toxic relationships and codependency but you aren’t like this. You aren’t controlling and obsessive. You’re grounded and you know what you want and you’re very sure of yourself. I mainly see that in the beginning things will be moving slowly and you‘ll be making this person work for your love in a positive way. You have self control and I feel like your not just someone who does things in a irrational and uncontrolled way. You influence and lead others and you push this person to have to change and grow in order to be with you. Your standards for love are high. I feel like they even tried to tell you what they think you want to hear just to get you more invested, but they aren’t fooling anyone. They don’t know how to approach you and I feel like they’re a lil bit intimidated. They may even ask other people for help to try and be smarter about their approach. I see them trying hard to attract you. Im hearing “come correct, or don’t come at all”.

The energy they’ll be in is feeling accomplished and successful. They see building a relationship with you as a goal. They want you in their life for the long run and they’re giving this energy like they’re ready to commit and invest in a life with you. I also see marriage strongly. They’re someone who is learning how to express themselves and they’re doing all they can to study you and new things overall. They’re a bit shy too. At least with you they are when it comes to talking about their feelings. I see they’re someone who watches and tries to calculate all their steps and they get information about you from others or they have ways of finding things out. They watch you or observe all that you do so they can learn to read you. I see them working on their financial stability and how to create long term opportunities. They want to feel successful and happy with you and in life in general and they’re spending time alone educating themselves on all the things they want to invest in. They never really had joy that lasts and they want this. They’re tired of the temporary things and I feel like them spending time alone is helping them cleanse their energy and life of the things that do not serve them or the connection with you. They feel a bit rejected by you because they may have approached you in a way that was flirty and a lil bit immature and after asking for help from others or something like that they were able to get a response or reaction from you in some way. They’re learning how to approach you and what you like from a partner. I see them learning to love you in your love language. They know this love is worth putting in the time and effort for. They don’t know how you got them the way you do but you just move them in ways no one can. I feel like they are learning deep lessons and becoming more self aware. They’re definitely going to be very determined and focused on building and investing. So if that means they’re working overtime or just doing things with more care, effort, and patience it’s because they’re creating stability and security so they can invest in a future with you. They might even be private about their feelings or not as open and affectionate towards you. Their energy changed after you may have rejected them in a way and it’s because they’re showing you instead of trying to explain it. For some of you I see them literally writing you a hand written letter, song, or poem.

They feel like you want something grand. Like they know your standards are high and you don’t accept the bare minimum. I feel like they’re going to surprise you in some way. They feel you’re not being as open and expressive with your love right away. They feel your energy and they see how you’re focused on your goals and more permanent things. They see you as someone who is very faithful, loyal, and caring. They feel you’re determined to get what you want and they see how disciplined and goal oriented you are. They know you aren’t going to make foolish or impulsive decisions. They feel like you express the deepest part of yourself when you know it’s safe to. Even though you are open and genuine, you don’t just submit quickly. It takes time and trust for you to open up wholeheartedly. It takes literal action and change for you to believe someone is actually invested in you for the right reasons. You don’t waste your time or energy. For those who are currently with this person, they feel like they pushed you to be this way because of how they‘ve hurt you. They feel like they know your pain and they understand how you feel because they’ve been betrayed too. They want to heal with you and I feel like they see how you’ve grown and overcome so much. They’re inspired by your growth and how much you’ve changed. I feel like you’ve come out of a place of depression and apathy and they see how your depression and sadness has turned you into someone who is careful and smart about everything you do. Even with who you spend your time with. You turn them on and they’re doing things for you they’ve never done before. For current relationships, I feel like they miss you and they need you more than you know. They feel like you know more about love than they do and they’re trying to show you how they’re learning how to love you. They’re trying to show you that they’re changing. They’re seeing you turn dreams into reality and you don’t want to just live in this fantasy of what things could be. You go out and actually make things happen or at least try to. They’re beyond grateful to have you in their life and they see you’re very grateful yourself. For some of you, you have a baby with this person and they’re so thankful you’re the one they have a baby with. They see how you sometimes are a perfectionist and you fear things going a way that doesn’t serve your interests but not in a negative way. You’re just very calculated and you plan things out in a very organized and strategic way. You’re very protective over your energy and your heart and they feel like right now you’re being patient with yourself and in this period of rest and rejuvenation. You’re healing and creating balance within yourself and your life. I feel like they may feel you have a fear of abandonment and you fear getting too close or letting someone really close to you because they may just up and leave you. You’ve been betrayed either by them or yes a past person and they are aware of how you are when it comes to trusting. They are co-dependent on you right now because they need you. They need your help, your support, your advice, your love, your kindness. Just you in general. They’re scared to lose you and they feel like you’re the only one who genuinely cares for them. They’re trying to reciprocate what you give and love you in the way you need to be loved. You give them what they need and they’re so thankful for you. They may not show it yet but they are trying to. They’re working behind the scenes to prove it to you. They even think about you before they go to sleep and they think about kissing you. I’m hearing the song candy kisses when she says “like a kid in a candy store, always wanting to come back for more”. They’re realizing with you the love is true and they don’t want to miss another second with you. The love between you guys is insanely deep.

The purpose of this relationship is to teach you both about a long term relationship and a love that is meant to last. This connection is one that is made for marriage. It’s all about planning, determination, patience, and discipline. I definitely feel like this person is going to purpose to you for some of you. Take that how it resonates. This relationship is going to teach you to let go of things that need to be released and I see this is a blessing for the both of you from God. It is meant to show you that good things take time and all the hard work and energy you give always pays off in due time. I see you’re meant to have a family and build a foundation with this person. Whether it be creating a business together, a big family legacy, or just something that creates generational wealth and stability. You’re creating a line of abundance, security, happiness, and joy. This is a such a good vibe I get from your connection and no matter how hard things get between you, I feel like you always come back together. This is a big lesson for this person especially. They were immature and a player. I feel like they chose to give their heart to you and change their ways to keep you in their life. They learned how to change and step into their divine masculine or embody the energy they needed in order to take initiative and lead themselves and others in a positive way. I see you both sacrificing temporary things in order to build together. God is with y’all!!

I see them using the time they have alone or in separation from you to self reflect and tap into their inner voice. They’re learning more about themselves and how to guide themselves using the wisdom they’ve gained. They’re just waiting for some type of miracle or something to happen to give them this epiphany on what to do. They feel kinda stuck like they don’t know what next action or step to take and they’re going a lil crazy thinking about you, missing you, or wanting to be with you. I see an apology for some of you coming in. They’re sorry about how they may have disappointed you. They’re stressed out and they don’t feel as successful as they want to be. They feel like with you things aren’t moving the way they want them too as well. They’re feeling stuck and they need your comfort and your love right now because they’re going through some pressure and overwhelming situations. They’re coming out of indecision and I see them making a choice to show up and prove themselves to you. They wasted your love and took it for granted in some way or for others they feel like your love hasn’t been appreciated the way it should be and I see them coming towards you with a gift, opportunity, or offer in some way. They’re done with this challenging energy they may have had. I feel like they had other options or people interfering with their feelings and they’re seeing things more clearly. They’re sad and trying their best to be positive. I feel like when they come towards you it’s because they genuinely need you to be there for them and support them. They need you and even if they may not express it in a very emotional way or literally ask for it, they will mean what they say. They felt love at first sight with you and they been knew it was real they just weren’t ready in that moment to commit. You’re a bit stubborn and I feel like your heart is very guarded and I see they will be trying their very best to get close to you, especially with all the stress and pressure that they’re under they’re still trying to make the time to show up and give you what you need.

The advice for you is to let go of any hostility or the need to be right. Fighting won’t solve anything and I feel like being defensive and blocking this person out isn’t either. It’ll be a time to have compassion and love. Whether it’s now or later. Whenever this person is in your life. It is safe to love and right now it’s important to spend time doing productive things. Don’t gossip or tell everyone your business about this relationship either. Like friends or what not. Not everyone needs to be in the mix. I feel like you and this person will be connecting deeply and building a friendship together. Things may be lonely and a little bit sad right now for you but spirit is saying to stop and don’t isolate yourself any longer. You’ve been lonely and feeling down and it’s important not to rush anything including yourself. I feel like if there’s people in your life that aren’t healthy or positively influencing you it’s time to let them go. Creating change by doing things differently and letting go of things that aren’t good for you will help you bring this in a bit faster. Also be sure to let go of any judgmental energy you may have. You’re healing from betrayal and past trauma and you don’t want to keep going in circles so be sure to self reflect and connect with yourself deeply so you can find healthy ways of coping with your negative feelings instead of talking about them with others and creating more negativity for yourself. You may be a lil bit judgmental over yourself and the negative feelings you face and spirit is saying to feel them through and release them. Be more private and try your best to reflect on the feelings you feel so you can better understand the root of them or why you’re still feeling down. It’s best to focus on yourself especially if you’re feeling lonely. When you feel lonely it’s for a reason and if you’re in this period of being pushed into solitude it’s because that’s what you need to cleanse and rid yourself of the negative energy weighing on you.

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