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danrifics · 5 months

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you all pestered me for it and here it is. the closeness analysis/ theory.

now if you didn't see I basically had this theory that the closer to BIG and COTY we get in the DAPG timeline the closer dan and phil sit to each other. Dan made a comment about how them playing Heartthrob being like a gay soft launch and that got me thinking of some other ways they could have done it and one of those being the idea that as time goes on you get less and less strict and worrisome about what others think of you and so they end up gravitating closer and closer.

This post will be under a see more cos its probably gonna be long af.

I will be splitting it into stages.

2014 -15

2016 - 17

2018

revival

sorry the screenshots arent clickable to make bigger tumblr only allows for 30 on a post so i had to group them together!

(i will not be covering horror games apart from in the revival stage and i will also not be talking much about gamingmas 2023)

2014 - 15

now when i initially went to collect my evidence, i was suddenly worried maybe i kinda had things wrong because i feel like in Donkey Kong Country (the first dapg video, see screenshot below) they're sat pretty close but honestly when we get to how they sit a lot later on you'll see that this is actually pretty far apart

now here are some screenshots for the inital look at at the end of them we'll talk (this will be the layout for most of this post i think)

now of course this is only a selection of those year's videos if i screenshotted them all i fear this post would never end. now these first 2 years are a good mix of at desk videos on sofa videos. i noticed from some other videos not show here that in sofa videos they rend to sit a lot closer to each other than they do at the desk, this is kinda funny to me cos really they definitely have room for a wider frame on the couch if they wanted to sit like normal people.

2016 - 17

2016 and the start of 2017 feel like a mixed bag of how close together they are but i did notice that the more into 2017 we got the more they seemed to be shoulder to shoulder! these also started to wean out sofa sitting games (not 100% gone yet but almost). now if you're wondering why i've kept this screenshot apart its cos this is the last one in the first london apartment.

and honestly from here on out is where i believe the "soft launching" begins!

so lets finish 2017 and see if im right!

just had to single out this screenshot for a sec:

in case anyone wondered that is the face dan made during dream daddy when phil reads "we were roommates for a while too"

softlaunch?

anyway moving on

watching these videos definitely feels like something changed btw, while they still arent as close as we'll start seeing them sit, i definitely noticed more often they were shoulder to shoulder. but like a new room has definitely changed the vibe a little bit between them, and now we can move on to the next and final year of pre hiatus dapg, where things as you will see immediately start to change.

2018

like i said... immediately we are met with this, i would also like to let everyone know that 2018 is my favourite era of pre hiatus dapg

lets see what the rest of this year will bring

now i'm splitting 2018 up into parts because i need to do a whole talk about the tour situations so for now lets look at the above screenshots, now its very obvious that they are sitting so much closer to each other which i think is really funny considering how big that room is and often in this section of videos there is a lot of room either side of them so they literally do not need to be that close.

now lets talk about the tour bus. this is how close they're sitting

thats for sure a 1 person seat yet they've both forced themselves on even tho the sofa literally behind them would have been perfectly fine to sit on, and they cant give me "this is the only place to set up the camera" babe its really not theres a whole surface behind you.

okay thank you for listening to this, moving on to the final part of 2018!

(the last 2 screenshots are out of order oops)

idk about you but yeah i think they are definetly a lot closer than they were way back in 2014. i really dont have a lot to say other than that, and i have definetly proven my theory so now we've established that lets have a brief look at post hiatus dapg!

Revival

Now this is gonna be really brief its just a summary of where we are post BIG/COTY and post hiatus (things my brain still cant quite believe is real)

now here are the revival moments i wanna give a mention!

firstly sims season ep 3 when dan moves his chair away from phil and their wheels are literally locked together, pushing phil's chair too

heres dan looking into the monitor and then moving closer to phil <3

and finally

hand hold

thanks for reading all this and sorry if it didnt live up to the hype lmao

#dan and phil #dan howell #phil lester #amazingphil #daniel howell #danisnotonfire #phan #dapg #dnpg

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lyss-butterscotch · 5 months

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Happy New Year!!! Welcome to 2024!! I didnt prepare anything special jdjdjs so have this doodle of me with my fandoms in 2023

I know its super late but id still like to say somethings. Feel free to ignore whatevers down here sobs im mostly just reflecting on my year.

I wanna admit that this year hasnt been my best, be it artwise or stuff irl. I think i remember in the beginning of 2023 i was losing interest in the hk fandom before this and lost the will to really make art. But when i moved to tumblr and the rw fandom i was able to find the will and joy in drawing again. Its really is nice to be a part of a more interactive and alive community compared to whatever the hell is going on in instagram. Met alot of cool friends and people i look up to along the way, even if i am too much of a pussy to express that jdjdjjdjd but its nice to be here.

It helps especially when my college life hasnt been going well. I have issues with making or keeping friends especially when the first 2 years of college was spent online so i didnt really get to know people face to face. It didnt help also when approaching the end of my college year, all thats left is all my final papers that didnt require me to actually BE in college most of the week. It really impacted my will to really do art or college and i almost had to hold back my graduation because of it.

Right now i am in a better state, stuff has been dealt with and i am slowly gaining the will and joy to create. Because art is a major source of happiness for me and being able to actually be happy to draw things again will help immensely with my psyche when finishing college.

My new year resolution ig is i just want to be able to finish what i started. Be it college or art, i want to not procrasinate on things, not be late on stuff i wanna make art for, personally set goals for college, things like that. I would like to also take in easy on myself, i want to stop hating what i create, hating myself, saying i dont belong anywhere or worth anything, i dont want to give up before i even start, i want to be proud of what i do even for something as small as random doodles on tumblr.

Whoever read this far. Thank you. I hope you are in a better state than i am. Happy new year

#happy new year #super late but fack it jdjdnj #look at all the fandoms ive plagued with the gijinka virus lmao #lyss art #doodles #vent

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zaptrap · 5 months

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Seeing that you've been here since 2012 is INSANE like you've witnessed it all huh. You've seen probably SO many weird and crazy things in this fandom like man that's so cool for you I feel...

ive def seen and participated in a lot of dumbass bullshit over the years LMAO. although notsomuch during the skybound-to-seabound era cuz i'd lost interest for a bit

Random shit I remember off the top of my head (plz feel free to fact-check):

deviantart era: (2012-2013)

that bright green ninjago ask meme

like, literally everybody making self-insert purple ninjas (sometimes orange, teal, or rainbow) and shipping them with their fav ninja

everyone making their own genderbends of the ninja. cole was almost always called nicole or colette lmao

people also naming their accounts (name)-the-ninja (or "teh-ninja", since this was 2012)

there's a non-zero probability that if you were in the fandom during the season 1 era, you're a furry now

naruto crossovers

half-snake ninja aus.........wonder who uh......who could've done that.....heheh (me) (that was my whole deal pre-nindroid!jay lmfao)

everyone posting like, doll-maker things they made of ninjago? especially dragon ones

(me) posting leaked screenshots of season 2 eps that i found on the lego wiki or smth lmao. this is also how i found out zane was a robot. i think i kept posting leaks when i moved to tumblr

legends of chima releasing and i thiiink it was supposed to be a ninjago replacement? like, legitimately? though a lot of people weren't happy about it. "furry gang drug wars" was a phrase used a lot lmfao.

tumblr era (2013-2016 for me) (may overlap with dA era)

everyone losing their minds over the shirtless ninja in ns2 lmfao

that one video of kirby marrow (rest in peace) saying cole was 14

that other vid of like, behind the scenes and it was the ninja's actors but like in-universe? it's where "cole bucket" comes from

also some behind the scenes vid with the actual voice actors lol

thinking back on this, im like 100% sure it was bullshit but when the end of rebooted aired, there was a rumor going around about fans being so upset over zane's death that they carved a snowflake on their stomachs. lots of people were freaking out lmfao

the rise and fall of "fucknoshittyninjagoOCs" (ashamed to say i heavily participated in harassing this blog even if i rlly didnt like the premise.........)

maypong

lots of tension with instagram cuz of all the art reposts. like. tons of reposts. i remember someone blocked me when i said to take something down but then unblocked me the same evening and apologized LOL so

roleplay twitter accounts (twitter was kinda not-as-a lot at the time)

nindroid!jay of course. its so old there was an update that was made in flash lmfao...

absolute fucking shitloads of AUs and headcanons. i dont think this has changed much but like. there were so many lmfao. entire threads

actually there's too many fucking AUs. im scrolling through my main blog and i cant fuckin find anything cuz ITS ALL THESE STUPID AU THREADS THEY AREN'T EVEN LIKE DEEP LMAO

ask-all-the-ninjagians

the absurd screenshot redraws i did. like they were super stupid lmfao. icr which blog they're on but they're on my comp still at least

ninjagians just. being a term used at all lmao

the ninjago fan-tournament during ns4. people would draw/write about their ocs doing whatever prompt was posted and then everyone came together to defeat a big bad snake man

tbh i started naturally losing interest during ns5, and then VERY QUICKLY dropped the show (and therefore fandom) when skybound came out lmao............... so i dont really remember a lot from this era and everything after

and now im back :D

i hope this is insightful! xD

#ninjago #talking #asks

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justcallmenikki7 · 4 months

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Hi, it’s Nikki.

I’m writing this to give you all, the ones who are still here even tho I’ve been basically hiatus for a while now, with some posts here and there. You probably all, also, saw this coming, but I’m sadly done writing.

God, im crying lmao.

Anyways, I realized after constantly trying to write something, outline, everything, I couldn’t write anymore. Maybe it’s because I went through a severe abusive relationship at the beginning of April 2022 to the end of November of 2022, and it completely changed me as a person. I lost a lot of love, likes, whatever you may call it, from that relationship. It changed me, and one of the things it changed in me was my love for writing. My spark isn’t here anymore, and I’ve been trying to hold on for the last possible year and a half for you guys, but it hasn’t happened. I’m afraid of change, I’m afraid of letting go, and have a bad time of accepting the fact that i mayve grown out of a phase, you know? My love for the boys will always be there, always.

What has also caused me lots of stress, and is a sign of losing my spark, has been trying to write and come up with ideas, and creat stories for those who have messaged me privately, and I feel terrible for not being able to do that, and I hate breaking promises/not keeping my word because I wanted to make you guys happy, and I’ve failed those individuals. I’m sorry for not finishing those requests, and I’m sorry that I never actually started them because I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to make you happy, but I couldn’t get anything out and so I sat for the longest time, trying to get a good paragraph, or in a general a sentence out, but i couldn’t and I didn’t.

And I’ve sadly relapsed the other night after almost 2 years of being clean from s/h. My depression has been in the dumps, and even tho I have so many positives going on in my life and such amazing people, and an amazing partner, my mental health is deteriorating and I need to focus on myself.

I know I’ve once done a short hiatus before and came back because sometimes a small break is good to have, but sometimes all things must come to an end, and I’m officially closing my chapter with tumblr and writing for good.

I’ve made a couple of friends on here, and those friends I want to address real quickly and say my peace.

@wickizer , girl you know everything and ily

@minniepetals . My gosh, I remember reading your story String of Fate when it first came out, and I swore up and down, still today I do, that it’ll be published in the hall of fame. Despite it being on its hiatus, it’s still the best story so far. You deserve an award for your writing, and your story Cry Me A River is such an amazing masterpiece. I’ve been meaning to read it all, but life has gotten in the way and I’m so proud of you. Even tho we haven’t talked in the longest time, I’m still cheering you on, on here and outside of tumblr.

@aft3rhrs . Love, you’re amazing and I hope you take care of yourself and take time for yourself. Self love and self kindness is a priority and make yourself a priority. Your writing is beautiful and I’m glad we befriended each other. I’m cheering you on, and always will. Thank you for being a kind person.

And every other writer that I bonded with on here, I love you and will be a huge cheerleader for you. To those who I reached out to when I was still new for advice, or for me to fangirl to, thank you for being kind and helpful.

And to my followers, the ones who cheered me on to keep writing when I first joined tumblr, thank you for being kind and supportive. I love each and every single one of you. You made this place a safe place for the longest time, and I’m thankful for all of you.

I’m sorry for the longest apology and me basically dumping my issues on here, I just needed to be honest with you all. I didn’t want this to sound like a ‘poor me’ ‘feel sorry for me’ but I needed to, like I said before, be honest with you.

This is scary for me, but this is me saying goodbye.

Love forever and always, justcallmenikki7.

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hyewka · 5 months

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THE 3K HYEWKA SPECIAL — ★

INTRO. soooo..the blog hit 3000 followers a day ago which is like, still incredibly wild to me because as someone who was just an avid reader on tumblr i felt like the things i wanted to write, so few would enjoy and actually consume. and for the ten months ive experienced being a creator on tumblr, that seems to be such a popular mindset of people who want to write but haven’t written, the fear of putting in some effort and not have it returned back with love.

then i decided with all things considered, i would center this event around things you don’t usually see on the smut side of moablr (yes…yes i couldn’t come up with a better name than kink buffet). big age gaps, stepcest, tentacle, love making (vanilla but we don’t see it enough do we?), professor x student, hybrid, name anything and i’ll write it—hell, i’ll even write golden showers lol

it doesn’t have to be the filthiest fantasy you’ve had, thats not the point—just anything you’ve been really wanting, as a present from me to you <3

here’s a random kink prompt list you could use for reference, you don’t have to use it but its just there if you need words you can’t find

RULES/REMINDERS. (read this before requesting!!!!)

1. what i end up writing might not end up being what you wanted, in which case i hope you don’t send a second ask almost like you’re prompting me for a re-do. these aren’t commissions, i’m gonna always add an element that makes it enjoyable for me to write.

2. if you request, and i answer, please please please please reblog with some sort of feedback. you dont have to say its your ask, but please give some feedback. make a new blog if you really cant reblog smut on your main account or even just send an ask saying you enjoyed it or liked it if you do 🥲

3. i would appreciate if requests aren’t too long and limited to just a few sentences but if you really feel like dumping more, then go on 😭

4. anything i write because of this event might not be written for ever again—like i’m allowing daddy kinks/sugar daddy au’s but i’m not going to accept requests for that beyond this event.

OTHER THINGS.

the main event is the drabbles and fics, but there’s more to it too!

# kink buffet: q&a

questions about starting out on tumblr, writing tips, release dates, or personal life

# kink buffet: porn links

self explanatory. send porn links and the member you’re thinking of!

# kink buffet: fic rec

if you have any recommendations and want to rave about it to someone; me! im the person!!!!

# kink buffet: rant

had the worst sex of your life? first time didn’t go well? or just general rants of day to day life—i’ll listen and give advice if asked 😭

THE END.

asks for this event regarding the drabbles will be closed by new years, i’ll extend it only if i feel like i can manage more.

masterlist for the event.

#kink buffet: 3k celebration

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xaeydnquartz · 1 month

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Part of me kinda wants to stop DMing my first and current campaign? IDK just need to vent

So, brief expo. like many, got into CR during the pandemic (mainly due to "The Legend of Vox Machina" which lead to me actually bingeing the all 3 campaigns) During which time a friend (who was in my immediate friend group but like the rest of my friend group, i didnt really feel close to) told me that he was really into CR as well. As a fresh new critter, i was stoked. Was able to share my blossoming love of CR with someone (FINALLY!) during which we both mentioned how D&D looked so much fun and that it would be really great to be able to play and ooo what if we got our friends together and played.

After which we discussed, if we did, who would be DM? Seeing as how none of our friends really played D&D our talk lead to either my friend or me and after asking the question "Which do you think you would prefer more?" It was clear i would try my hand at DMing (i like lore in games, and i like storytelling, and im a tad bit of a control freak at times, lol)

Anyway, we eventually got in touch with our close knit of friends, and though i intended to be a standard 6 we suddenly had an 8 party party (and that was with me having to tell even less close friends there wasnt room).

Feeling it would still be manageable (as there was precedent that i could pull inspo from, CR) i began planning a rough idea of a campaign and working with my friends to create their characters and running a session 0 so we were all on the same page. You know standard stuff.

-Fast Forward to current date and time-

It has its stressful moments, but i still am able to enjoy the time with my friends for the most part (though theres a lot of times were ive never felt lonelier) Which brings me to the whole point of the post, my need to vent to the void about this loneliness. Nobody really gets in touch or interacts with me at all. Not to talk about the campaign or even collab on their characters. The most i get are occasional critiques about how i could have done something better couple sessions prior and request to add another person to the 8 person party. When we have sessions, people show up late quite often, leave early quite often, have to cancel as they have other things they are doing (even though we planned and scheduled weeks prior) and even when people are there they somtimes feel like they arent always present. i already feel extremely distant from all of them as they all live closer to each other while i live on the totally opposite side of the state and theyve known each other way longer than i have, but the minimal interactions they have with me, the DM/GM of all people, just continues to add to all of it I know we all are busy with our lives, and that compared to those things D&D is really not that big of a deal or important. And i get that, it is just a game afterall, but it still manages to hit pretty hard

I've communicated my feelings through our time of this campaign, if im being honest, maybe not this indepth. I mean, its partially because i barely see or talk to them (again life gets in the way) but also because i feel extremely guilty for putting this kind of tension to something we are all supposed to be enjoying and relaxing to. Its especially painful as most recently 2 players, who said they would get in touch with me about changes possibly being being made to their characters, never got in touch in anyway shape or form, and its been about a month now? And session is in a week...i didnt even get much as a reply back. Idk, its been almost about a year now and i felt i just needed to get this out somewhere other than debating myself.

Thanks for listening tumblr.

#D&D #Dungeons and Dragons #venting #vent post #its just a game it really isnt a big deal #feels pretty lonely though #not what i was hoping for

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kanonavi · 3 months

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hello tumblr user kanonavi who is 1/3rd of the reason i started rereading tgcf. i have come to collect my personal apology for the emotional damages inflicted upon me for the past 5 days. and i have also come with THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS (mostly feelings)

- icb i put off this reread so long hualian are so romance. theyre jsut Romance......... absolutely floored by every throwaway bit of dialogue they had....... in shambles forever....,

- sqx arc was not as painful as the first few times i read it bc i now stand with my cancelled wife (he xuan) I STILL LOVE SQX AND THEY DESERVE EVERYTHING GOOD. BUT HX WAS REAL FOR ALL OF THAT. i love revenge

- i wanna know your thoughts on ling wen bc u mentioned having mixed feelings on her but i loved her so bad all the way to the end so im curious ljdkdjf

- i am not immune to backstory arc pt2. read it last last (?) night at like 3am and cried myself to sleep its just so gutting every timeeeeeee.... the hc plot that builds in that arc is ofc one of my favorites in the entire novel though :')

- the chapter w the cave of statues took me like 2+ hours to get through because i was feeling so insane abt it

i feel bad dropping this block of text in ur askbox sorry. will leave it there for now LOL

Omg hiiiii tumblr user stardust-make-a-wish welcome back from the yaoi cocaine pit :3 I know you're here to collect emotional damages, but I must make it known that I'm not even remotely sorry <3

Also you should feel bad for yourself instead of for me because I can only respond to huge blocks of text with even bigger blocks of text, so (TGCF Spoilers Ahead) and also I am so sorry lmaooooo

UGH you're so right that hualian is the most romance forever they are just so *clenches fists and sobs*....... They're always there for each other and they're so in love and they've been through so much and I just want them to be able to rest because it's what they deserve.

I will never once say that Hu Xuan wasn't justified in everything he did cuz like. Shi Wudu had it coming what a piece of shit. But at the same time Qingxuan is my wife and I will not tolerate my wife being harmed. So like revenge slay yes but also I am still cancelling He Xuan and spraying him with the water bottle (even though he is already very very damp).

Yesyesyes Ling Wen. So my thought about Ling Wen is that she kinda girlbossed a little too close to the sun, but at the same time you look at her circumstances both past and present and have to understand why she did all of that. It already would have been hard enough for her to gain any kind of recognition as a woman, much less in the Heavenly Court, so her ruthlessness is completely understandable. But at the same time, I don't really think the Brocade Immortal deserved what she did to him nor was taking Bai Wuxiang's side in the final conflict a real cool thing of her to do. I can't fully be a hater though because her own thoughts about everything are clearly so nuanced (See: The final convo she had with Xie Lian about the Brocade Immortal, which I am still thinking so incredibly hard about to this day).

I think that Ling Wen is interesting in the same way that I find other characters like Mu Qing, He Xuan, and Yin Yu interesting. It's in the sense that even if I don't really agree with all of the actions that they took, it's very easy to look at them and come to an understanding of why they did what they did. And I have varying degrees of like for all of the characters I just listed, but that doesn't change the fact that they're all Compelling. So it's almost like a begrudging respect that I feel for Ling Wen, if I were to boil it down into simple terms.

aaaaaaaaaa The Horrors(tm) :sob: Even though I could talk about Xie Lian's arc through that part of his backstory for a million years, you're so right that Hua Cheng's arc through it is also so interesting to watch. It really goes to prove that Hua Cheng is different from everyone else in Xie Lian's life up until this point, because yes there's the very obvious throughline of Hua Cheng wanting to protect Xie Lian (rather than expecting his protection), but even more importantly that feeling never changes even when Xie Lian has his mini corruption arc.

Like, Hua Cheng fell in love with the pure and virtuous Crown Prince of Xianle but not for that quality. Instead of being ashamed and looking at Xie Lian with scorn when he was like "What if I kill everyone actually" Hua Cheng is like "Then let me be your sword". There's the element of not wanting Xie Lian to dirty himself that Hua Cheng carries for the entire story but the point is in that he is not a voice who would tell Xie Lian to stop having those thoughts if it's truly what he wants (Unlike what his parents or Feng Xin and Mu Qing would probably say).

I'm going to write an essay about their character dynamic one day istg I am chewing through the drywall

The cave statues chapter......... *passes away*. Like on one hand that chapter is so funny because yes Hua Cheng is just an absolute certified freak (POV my roommate telling me earlier on in my reading that HC is a porn addict and me being like "pssht noooo" but then getting to this chapter several months later and being like "O h.") but on the other hand THE CONFESSION??????? Like. All I can do is gesture wildly at the storyboard animatic that someone made of that scene on YouTube while absolutely fucking sobbing. There is a reason why the cover of volume 6 felt somehow more intimate than the cover of volume 4 where they're literally making out.

Anyway I'm patting Hua Cheng on the head like It's okay buddy Xie Lian loves you because you're a certified freak, he's seen too much of this world to be weirded out even a little bit. Which is why those two are perfect for each other <3

I'm glad you had so much fun on your reread, have fun with the brainworms :3

#navi answers #stardust-make-a-wish #Once again I am so sorry for my ability to Talk lmao

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minthara · 3 months

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really long personal answer to an anon i got. trigger warnings in the tags.

First of all i wanna apologise to everyone who follows me for the last few days lmao, but i feel like if i dont post about it im literally gonna kill myself. I need somewhere to write down my thoughts because i feel bad always going to the same 2 friends i still have and complain about the same situation again and again about a dude they dont even know that well.

Thank you so much for ur message really, and sorry if im gonna take it as another excuse to write down all my thoughts, but i think it will really help me.

So the pathetic thing. I didnt ever post about this and in real life i think only like. 3 people knew. But after we broke up i begged him for months to take me back. It really was pathetic. And when he called me pathetic i think he was just very very hurt, because that was the second time i broke up with him (just a few weeks ago). It was in the sense of me begging him for so long just to break up again a few months later. I feel fucking stupid even writing this. I spent about 10k euros trying to get away from him, it fucked up my life so massively that i lost a job i really loved over it.

And now my new job is about 5 minutes away from our old apartment and i think thats a huge reason why i cant get over it. Every day i walk past restaurants, the supermarkets, anything we went to together. I had to buy snacks for work today and just burst into tears in the fucking supermarket because we used to go there together. The people at work are always so appreciative bc i know the area so well but they dont know how much it fucking hurts me and its so stupid like. Should i just avoid that part of town forever??? No fucking get over it bitch like wtf its a fucking supermarket.

And it also hurts because i know i wasnt always perfect and there were many times i was super mean to him. But at a point i couldnt deal with his ADHD anymore and that sounds so shitty but im a super organised person to the point where sometimes i wonder if thers anything ocd related but i dont think so. In my head i swap between i have ocd, i have adhd, i have borderline, i have autism - i have no idea whats wrong with me, but the way i feel cant be normal. I know this because the way i behave isnt normal, i know i can come across as really strange, i cant judge social situations well and often dont know how to behave. But i constantly criticised him for symptoms of his mental illnesss.

But i never physically hurt him, and that was the last straw for me, why i left. I dont know how u can do that to a person you love.

And im just mourning the life i thought i was going to have so, so, so much. I know on tumblr ppl somehow think youre brainwashed when you want a traditional marriage and kids and stuff, but i really thought that was going to happen in the next 2 / 3 years, thats how i planned my life since i was fucking 21 and i met him. And now im almost 27, and i cant even go on dates because i cannot bear talking to new people because all i want is a clone of him but better.

I know i will look back at this and think “u cried about THAT guy???” in a few years, because thats how its always been in my life lol (except for one relationship, but were still really really best friends). I always think afterwards i will never love someone that much again. But it hits so much harder because it was such a serious relationship lol i really wanted to marry him. Sobs lol.

#asks #anonymous #abuse cw #suicide cw #i feel so much better after writing this down lol #blondshell salad on repeat if u know u know

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gunmetal-ring · 1 year

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anon again. i'm sorry that i keep coming to you with this depressing messages but you seem like one of the few sane ppl in this fandom and i appreciate your honesty.

truth is im feeling really disillusioned with hellcheer lately. we don't have a lot of "canon" content so after a while, it gets tiring going thru the same 2 scenes over and over again (especially when one of them involves chrissy's death). ive been relying on fandom but it seems like it's slowed down. fics arent updated as frequently, not a lot of new artwork.

heck, even joe and grace have moved on. joe's career is taking off. grace is leaving acting. it just feels like everything that happened last summer has come to an end :(

Aw anon thats okay. Ty for thinking of my feelings though 💓 (and also im flattered that you think im sane lmao)

Unfortunately its the way things go, especially with small ships, especially especially in a fandom as hostile as this one is. People come together and build community and share their love for characters and then g(r)o(w) their separate ways again.

But not everybody does! You and me, for example. And ive got plenty of hellcheer mutuals that seem perfectly content to draw, write, and rb their little hearts out.

I for one am absolutely astounded that theres even a fandom for hellcheer, let alone one with such talent and breadth and depth of love! Our characters had 2 scenes. Our girl was killed just as it all began. Our boy died with her name on his lips. In all likelihood we will never see them together on our screens again.

But somehow. Those ~10 minutes managed to foster an entire community of people and keep us engaged and in love w the characters for almost a year at this point! With no dangling promises or false hope or anything! Like we all know the score and we still go hard for hellcheer. Incredible.

Idk maybe it's just bc ive only had brainworms like this for 2 other ships and 1 of them is even smaller and the other one is a clusterfuck of unimaginable proportions, so im a little biased in terms of community/fandom, but im just like... idk. I think its really incredible thats all. And a testament to the very real power and truth of hellcheer 🥰

All i can say anon is that the best way to keep a fandom/ship going is engagement. Likes on tumblr and kudos on ao3 are great. But whats even better and more motivating (and i say this as a fic writer/meme shitposter so im speaking the total truth lol) is reblogs and comments. Tell people how much you love their work and how much it means to you, it goes a very long way. And on the flip side of that - stay out of the infighting. All it does is sap your mental energy and the fandom infighting bullshit is a major contributor to why people leave. The negativity and bitterness warp your perspective and make it really hard to remember what we're here for - it's not anti-st*ddie or anti-qu*nn stans or anti-anti-hellcheer or what the fuck ever. We're here for hellcheer!

Sorry my $0.02 is now $2.00 bc i ramble lol its a fatal flaw of mine. Anyway im sorry if this is annoyingly positive or dismissive but im in a strangely upbeat mood rn so there you have it

#im not getting into the whole joe/grace career stuff bc ive talked abt it a million times and i dont want to invite more bad faith anons #op #hellcheer #ask #anon

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keibea · 11 months

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Get to Know Me - Sims Style

i was tagged by @amuhav because she loves me and knows i love doing these things

what's your favourite sims death?

ngl i dont actually have one, im terrified of any of my babies dying so they never do...but i guess old age maybe? because that means theyve lived a long life and ive played with them for a long time?

alpha cc or mm?

alpha HANDS DOWN...i dont hate mm by any means dont get me wrong, but ill always be an alpha girl at heart. its the alpha hairs, they always get me.

do you cheat your sims weight?

only if it fits their character i guess? not usually in gameplay.

do you move objects

i move objects every single day.

fave mod?

ooofff i mean out of necessity? nraas. but just the one i love? hands down pose player. mostly because i was so excited when i finally got it to work (i was like 13 or something and before then i could not figure out how to get mods to work) so a lot of happy memories from finally getting my sims to pose.

first expansion/game pack/stuff pack?

my first ever was sims 2 glamour life stuff pack when i was a kid. if we're talking sims 3, i believe the first pack i got was generations, which is still my favourite sims pack ever.

do you pronounce live mode like aLIVE or LIVing?

i pronounce it LIVE, always have as far as i know.

who's your favourite sim that you've made?

well, its gotta be elodie honestly. she and eli are the longest sims i have ever had and i love them both dearly. in the sims 4, its gotta be my girl pippa. before tumblr? i had this family called the moretti's, i miss them and i think about them way too often. i loved them all.

have you made a simself?

oh yeah. loads of times. i think ive shared my sims 3 and sims 4 variations on tumblr (but they look really weird tbh). i love making myself, cause then i can wear all these clothes i cant afford in real life.

favourite ea hair

im with aimee on this one.

im mostly joking, but usually sims 3 hairs are a no go for me, except for some store ones and the hairs that are pulled back into buns always look really nice. for sims 4, only the newer ones. the older ones are not for me.

favourite life stage?

young adult. i feel like you can always do more with young adult sims and you have so much more time (except in sims 1 i believe?and sims 2 only if u went to uni?? idk). 90% of my sims are forever young adults because i love that life stage so much.

are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

mate ive been trying to build for donkeys years to no avail. so im almost always in it for the gameplay.

are you a cc creator?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BAHAHAHA HA once upon a time bro maybe. your girl tries to be, but uni is a pain in my bottom, and sims 3 loves making my life difficult.

do you have any simblr friends or a sim squad?

somehow i do?? more friends then irl anyway. the girl gang is @thesimperiuscurse , @lazysunjade & @amuhav these 3 have put up with me despite my crazy personality for an incredibly amount of time and i love them all dearly. but i have so many friends on here its crazy (more than 3 people its incredible!). obviously they havent seen my real personality yet. besties include: @catharsim , @plumbobem , @johziii , @rollo-rolls , @moonsonnet , oh gosh im forgetting people I AM SO SORRY I LOVE U ALL SO MUCH

do you have any sims merch?

bro i wish, but no money. spent it all on anno 1800. no regrets.

do you have a youtube for sims?

i believe formally i do, but i dont post anything. i do have some ideas if i ever wanted to, but my adhd brain couldnt cope being consistent so i probably never will.

how has your "sims style" changed throughout your years of playing?

as in sims or gameplay? idk ill talk about both. gameplay wise, not much, except im weirdly a lot more controlling then i was over my sims WHOOPS. but i still cant get passed gen 2 so that hasn't changed. but i still prefer family gameplay, probably always will. and challenges, always challenges. sims wise? a lot.

this is one of the earliest sims i have photo evidence of. this was in 2018 i believe?

whose your favourite cc creator?

the people that are the cause of most of my cc obsession are @kerriganhouse , @rollo-rolls , @johziii , @joojconverts & @martassimsbookcc and probably a few more but mind blank

how long have u had simblr?

since 2020. one of the longest things ive ever committed to.

how do you edit your pictures?

with my blood, sweat and tears. im not joking, a lot of sweat and tears goes on when im editing.

what expansion/gamepack is your faveourite?

of all time? generations, no doubt in my mind. i never had any sims 1 or sims 2 expansions, so i never got to experience those unfortunately. generations was perfection though. i mean, boarding school? lifesaver. also led to the best sims series of all time: lifesimmer's generations. for sims 4 though? probably get together, purely because of the world.

#nonsims #saviourhide #aboutkeibea #jessietalksaboutherselfagain #HELLO #GOODBYE

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d1gnan · 5 months

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some thoughts abt aesthetics, the way people engage with my art so far and also stuff youll be seeing from me in the next year..

first off i wanna say im not actually educated on any of this and its all just coming from personal experience/ its kind of just a mad mans rambling

im the kind of person who is always curating, always putting like with like (on a consistently changing/personal/almost random metric that spans like any kind of media , things tangible and abstract, my memories, yadda yadda (everyone does this to some degree but as an artist and an introspective person, i find it hard to just let stuff go once i form a connection. (and im sure a lot of u guys reading this are like this too, tumblr is like The website for people like this) im hyper aware of everything that ever happens to me and im always trying to connect everything with everything else

(forgive me too in advance cause ive never been satisfied with my ability to explain myself and usually i just let everything i do speak for itself/dont bother trying. im really really visual and i usually think of things In pictures too so it just frustrates me to try and describe something thats worth a thousand words..

jewelry came pretty quickly to me as a favorite art form because its a way to convey some of what goes on in my head when i engage with the media i like , being able to turn all these pretty abstract feelings into colors shapes symbols.. a lot of times when i listen to something or watch something, i get almost itchy with the feeling of needing to get the way i percieved it out into the world in a visual and tangible way asap before it loses its original shape or before i forget how it made me feel. (dementia runs in my family so a lot of my art is trying to archive my feelings since i know i wont have them forever.. its almost a frantic need to be seen/known by others before its too late.

a lot of the jewelry ive custom made for people has been specifically music and film related, and thats been a great thing because i can both 1) make something that satisfies my own vision of the thing but 2) it is still easily readable by others as related 2 the source material because the design language usually is distinct enough to withstand being skewed too much by my own personal associations

moving forward tho, i have a TON of ideas for way more personal/abstract/highly conceptual projects, and have been slowly gathering pieces so that i can do full justice to my vision for them.

doing this has first and foremost always been an art form/way to express myself . i do it because of the ideas, i do it because i have to do it, and then im left with a bunch of stuff that i would like way more to be in the hands of someone who relates to it. and, i do it in a way thats not at all good for being a business owner. if i'm going to create a product, i would be going against my ideals if i didnt try to battle with all the things i hate about products. fast fashion and aliexpress craft supplies and mass production.. (to have a successful business you need a lot of the same product, it needs to be easy to make and you need to be able to get your materials cheap. all of which i can't and wouldn't do, so it's a very shit thing to attempt to make a living off of..

maybe this sounds a little funny too when you look at my work and then at what i have to say about it.that i think about it so seriously since it's something any one can do. my kid sister makes jewelry, it's a pretty accesible hobby. the idea of making jewelry based off of media is also the furthest thing from unique, which brings me thinking about the reception of my art online so far, and some weird stuff i've noticed.

when you're making anything that you mention is directly "inspired by" something else, you run into some pretty weird habits from others online, and a kind of unique way of engaging with "aesthetics" thats started in the past couple years. what im talking about now is less movies/music. its stuff that blurs the line between an existing body of work to reference and just a concept. ( y2k, fill in the blank-core, frutiger metro/aero).. i'm really into most eras of these fashion / design trends/aesthetics in a historian/archivist kind of way, and i really enjoy to do work inspired by things like this, but these are always way more personally influenced than anything made for a movie/music. i went semi-viral (feels so dumb to say seriously lol) on tiktok for a frutiger metro/sleepyhead by passion pit inspired bracelet.

i get hate on most posts on tiktok since its a gigantic platform(as well as praise) but the majority of comments always tend to be people correcting the authenticity to the aesthetic ive listed as an inspiration. people way smarter than me have way better things to say on this, and if i tried to go too into detail with it this post would be even crazy longer, but ive seen people call it "what aesthetic is this" culture, (some examples of this: " "this aesthetic is called this, not that" "this aesthetic is from this time frame only" xyz

i never know what to do, because i want to respond by explaining that i see these aesthetic names/labeling system solely as a tool. to help people find and connect like with like. labeling aesthetics is just recognizing a pattern. knowing the "name" of an aesthetic can help you find similar things, but there are no set time periods to any of this unless you are specifically making something that is an exact recreation of something else or making a period piece. everything comes back in some way over and over again. rigidly defining aesthetics is flawed/missing the point because aesthetics are completely individual/unmeasurable/skewed by experiences/memories/opinions. its a little different too when it comes to stuff thats actually like made For marketing cause that Will have an exact language that goes with it or whatever, but most of the time i see people arguing about an aesthetic thats not even applicable. there are genuinely no rules to what fits an aesthetic because anything you create, you add your own experiences to and are effectively continuing these patterns in a new way/ sometimes creating a whole new movement or sub category if you are really into labeling it as something directly. peoples personal art is definitely affected by their time/whatever the common design language was at the time, so thats where a lot of the names get born, but when you make it this rigid thing , "this needs to be more like this.. this needs to be more like that.." you'd be right- but only in the sense that yes, it IS that way, For You. in your mind you experience it that way, it is your personal relation to seeing these patterns. and you can use these aesthetic tools to expand on what was done before you, you can use these images to convey your own perspective so that i can try to understand it.

marketing vs personal aesthetics is a different thing that idk how to tackle with my like super limited language but for example, when someone is using a popular aesthetic to sell you something, you can tell. it's shallow and impersonal. looking back on ads that are dated and use a certain aesthetic usually tinges them with nostalgia that you can take and make into something that it wasn't because you have this priceless new angle to look at it with. if you believe in aesthetics as being this rigid thing, you dont get new ideas, you dont get new sub aesthetics, you dont get new movements, you get a copy of a copy, you get shein clothes. and! anyone can call anything they want an "aesthetic" ..any collection of things together influenced by anything in the world can be an entirely new aesthetic.. and im so sick of typing the word aesthetic

but i know that if theyre commenting something like this, they r so fundamentally different from me/ engage with the world in such a different way then i do that it would be a waste of time to try to explain..

i am a little scared when i launch some of the new projects i've been working on they'll be met with this kind of reaction. maybe ill try to write some kind of TLDR, some kind of zine to send along with any of my bracelets, some kind of manifesto about sustainability/personalization/mindful consumpution.. but it takes a long time for me to feel good about explaining myself, even this post ive deleted and restarted countless times.

ill post some more about some of the "aesthetics " (i gotta figure out better language for this shit i swear to god) ive found inspiring that have heavily influenced these upcoming projects, as well as scans from books ive collected that match the design language and i definitely want to release kind of a companion zine with the collections that include music/fashion/home photos etc...

if u have any thoughts or anything about any of this id love to hear it, or answer questions or expand on shit, this is kind of just like a word version of me throwing mac and cheese up at the ceiling and seeing if anything sticks.

thanks to anyone whos said anything nice about my stuff, i love u guys more than lyfe

and if you read all of this youre a g

💚

#d1gsart #talk tag #artists on tumblr #art #dinner party #dnr pty

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hamausagi · 9 days

Note

YES IT IS LIKE THAT AND NOW I WANT ALL OF THEM FOR YOU TOO I AM EYES EMOJING U SO HARD RN

YAYAYAY I AM EYES EMOJING YOU TOO

What is your nickname?

i don't really have one these days, but i suppose jake or august are still two of my favorite names i go by ^^

When is your birthday?

10/21/03 <3

What was your longest relationship?

1 year and 2 months (ended) (thank god)

What is your favorite book?

six of crows - leigh bardugo !

What is something you're insecure about?

the way i speak LMAO i cringe so much hearing my own voice or hearing the things i say. i feel like im so socially awkward and i hate it so bad 😭😭😭

5 Male celebrity crushes

uhhhhhh i dont rlly keep up with celebs like at all anymore but i used to be literally head over heels for chris pine when i was younger HELP

5 Female celebrity crushes

ZENDAYA and maybe saorise ronan ???? (help me i dont rlly care abt celebs)

What is your dream job?

concept/character artist for a game company !!!! (and to make my own games) (which i am currently working on)

What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?

finding out about my dream college last september after literally never knowing about it prior (besides a friend making an offhand comment abt it in like. 2017 that i forgot abt), finishing a portfolio in less than 2 months, and getting accepted LMAO

What is a fact about you that nobody would believe?

i used to play indoor and outdoor soccer year round, my indoor team competed in a lot of big brackets for the state (i now play no sports and i can barely go up more than 2 flights of stairs or run more than a few meters without dying) (thank you asthma and anemia 💪)

What were your highs and lows for this last month?

highs: FINSHED MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE WAHOOOO passed all my classes 🔥 made some new friends :D (and regained some old)

lows: uhhhhh mental health struggles mostly

Where is somewhere you'd like to visit?

i reeeeeaaalllyyyy really wanna go to japan so bad. im literally japanese and ive never been there, and i have family there ive never met that i want to see

How do you de-stress?

sleeping, drawing, playing some games, bothering the bf, gams with friends (unless its helldivers) (then i am stressed more)

What are your favorite apps besides tumblr?

pinterest my beloved <3

Describe yourself in one sentence.

good intentions, but poor execution

What do you think makes you attractive?

uhhhhh i have big eyes, smallish waist ???? i really try and prioritize other people (help i rlly dont know how to answer this)

What is something you're really good at?

drawing :3

What is something you're really bad at?

cooking LOL (im trying to get better)

A time that you told a lie.

telling the kid in my prj group that it was okay after he apologized for being literally the worst group member i have ever worked with (he literally did NOTHING and almost cost us the project several times)

What's a totally random and useless fact that you know?

bearded dragons can puff their eyes out along with puffing their chins when they get scared or feel threatened (thanks to ron for scaring the absolute shit out of me one day) (i thought he was dying)

Who knows you the best?

either my bf or my irl best friend :3

What is your most prized possession?

a wooden box my dad mae me a really really long time ago. that or this little sterling silver flip flop necklace my grandpa gave me a few years before he died when i was a kid

What is your longest friendship?

with my irl bsf, been friends 13 years now

When did you first feel like an adult?

either when my dad finally started actually swearing when talking to me or when i changed my car's oil myself for the first time

Do you/ Have you played any sports?

played soccer for like 11 years and did archery for 5 :3

How are you feeling right now?

im really tired and my cramps are killing me 👍 but im chillin

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

night owl even tho i rlly wish i was an early bird so bad. no matter when i go to bed or how many hrs of sleep i get its so hard to wake up before 9 am bro

Do you believe in love at first sight?

for ocs? yes. irl? absolutely not

Favorite song lyrics right now?

literally loving all the lyrics in a feeling - whxami but more specifically i am thinking abt waiting room - phoebe bridgers "if you were a teacher, i would fail your class take it over and over til you noticed me if you were a waiting room, i would never see a doctor i would sit there with my first aid kit and bleed"

also saw a robin edit to espresso - sabrina carpenter and now my brain is IM WORKING LAAAAATEEEE CAUSE IM A SINGERRRRRRR

What does self care look like for you?

taking showers and making myself food. i hate actually taking showers but the post shower untainted clean feeling is so unmatched bro its the best

Describe yourself with 3 singers.

RONEN, wave to earth, and two door cinema club

What makes you nervous?

meeting friends of friends (meeting new people is fine but its scarier if someone i know is introducing me), going to people's houses that i don't know very well

What’s a pet peeve you have?

trying to talk to someone but getting dry ass responses or no response at all

What will always make you cry?

bro. those tiktoks that are like. "if you know yourself which one are you picking". oh my god. those destroy me so bad

What kind of first impression do you think you make on people?

i honestly have zero idea bro 😭😭 if im meeting people at school im probably a little overwhelming (im loud asf at school) but if like. im meeting my friends parents or my bfs friends. i am a ghost

#LOLLLL I LOVE THESE ITS SO FUN #> box

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the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see · 3 months

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you called me a friend and that has given me the courage to step out of the anon mask lol

YEAH EXACTLY. HE SPENT THE whole day looking for his daughter and then reliving painful memories! i felt so bad for him

cheers to living life as hopeless romantics lol

I KNOW RIGHT, (studying psychiatry just for them if we lived in that universe)

JERSEY. im not kidding, i spent like a week being emotional over the jersey ending, my parents were genuinely concerned 😭

nani has a Father Face!! yes!! and i've spent an embarrassing amount of time watching his interviews, and he's SO GOOD WITH KIDS. it's so cute honestly

yay for intellectual conversations via tumblr asks!! i've been overanalysing this movie almost constantly in my head for the past 4 days so this was really fun, ily <3

fun fact: i wanted to know when you replied to my ask, so i kept having to open your account, right? so after a point i just typed "gay" onto my searchbar to find your account lol

another fun fact, i was scrolling through your desiposting tag bc it was fun and saw "saturday night fever" and. i haven't heard this song in years, okay, i didn't even remember that such a song existed in that movie. but it still instantly played in my head with A Tune, and i googled the song to see if i remembered the tune somehow or if i was just making stuff up, AND IT WAS THE RIGHT TUNE. sure brain. remember all random tunes but not the shit i study for exams.

fellow pjo fan!! hi!! and i love your opinions on taylor swift!! FRIEND!!!!!

i apologise for the oversharing but i have very recently found telugu people on tumblr and i'm Very Excited, if you need me to back off, pls lmk and i will!

welcome to the other side............................!

2. I KNOWWWWWWW they really put nani in The Most situations ever give the man a break !! they need to put every character in counseling immediately after the cameras stop rolling

3. 🥂🥂 its tough but its real

5. NO WAYYY that is so funny but also <33333

6. HE ISSSSSSS when he did krishna gaadi veera prema gaadha and played with the kids all the time...................... where can i find a man like him fr

7. awhh i love you too<33 i always love talking about movies its so so fun

8. LMAOOOOOO honestly this is the end goal and vision. my moniker is gay as it should be and the universe is right

9. RIGHT its such a sleeper agent song i never remember it Until I Do. but yeah at that point i didnt know when i could go back to india and i remembered we would sing it while running and it made me Emotionanal. but i got to go back which was nice!! different problems but it still feels good to go home

10. omg!!!!!!!!!!! we are holding hands and skipping in a circle............ FRIEND!!!

11. no youre COMPLETELY fine i do the exact same thing<333 you dont need to back off at all, its incredibly fun to talk to you !!!

#its like a neighborhood in here if i see a telugu person im going to invite myself over #the tree speaks #asks #ily diana

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wanderrlust0 · 9 months

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sorry i wont shut up about this but i feel so conflicted right now!!D; and maybe typing it all out will help???

and I highly suggest to not read this unless you want to be here for an hour reading nonsense LOL

im seeing my bestie friday so im gonna tell her everythinggg and get her opinion on all of this before i see him again in a few days.

i just started to hang out with a "new" friend but it makes my bf uncomfortable and idk what to do about it... and tbh im not going to stop being friends with them:/ ik that sounds kinda shitty on the surface but its like asking me to cut someone off right after getting to know them.

im gonna explain almost all of the context....

okay, so... 2020 was a ruff year. it was covid and quarantine. my mom was super super strict about it. once people began to hang out in small circles bc cdc said it was okay to, while still being careful, i was still not allowed to leave my house. i felt soso isolated and alone and it was def one of my lowest moments. me & my bf were basically in a long distance relationship.. or thats what it felt like. all we had was facetime. he started to hang out with his friend from school more often (i had stuff to say to him about that & its in another post). after a couple of months, my mom finally let us see each other.. but it had to be in my backyard only and we couldn't be close. it was okay at first but after a while we got bored and wanted more. he got impatient and petty about it. i understood where he was coming from but i was trying to be as optimistic as i could, even tho it was hard. its bc even for like the 1-2 hrs i got to see him, it made my day. (my friends were also starting to hangout in their backyards but i never told my mom bc i figured she wouldnt let me go.. but when i told her afterwards, she said she would have..??)

it was getting colder outside which made it harder for us to see each other. it was also just a sucky situation and it was creating some resentment. he wanted to talk with me on ft about it and i knew it would be serious. AND IT WAS. he did most of the talking and it was leading to a breakup. BUT (this is important) he couldnt for the life of him break up with me, let alone say the words.. SO.. he suggested that we do a break. neither of us have done that before but its obvious that it means its temporary and you use that time to figure things out and get some space (we DEFINITELY shouldve been clearer about it). he got emotional and i held mine in. he was saying all these good things about me and how he still wants me in his life and that we can get together again; that we would still talk everyday and be friends. at the time, weve been dating for about a year and a half. right after we hung up i bawled my eyes out and immediately facetimed my best friend in FL.

days go by and me and him are still talking everyday, only in a more friendly, platonic manner. eventually, he starts replying later and later, he turns off his location, and its like i feel forgotten about. im so used to knowing what hes doing that now it feels weird to not know and its hard to adapt to these changes.

I download tinder to find some FRIENDS to talk to (only for girls). he was barely talking to me and i was questioning our friendship relationship (situationship i guess). although i dont remember the details of my profile, i DEF made it clear that i was on there for making friends only. i had no intention of pursuing anyone for a relationship... bc i had my "bf" still. HE clearly went a diff route during our break....too much to unpack there but in the end, it just made him want to come back to me.

So.... Snow (that is their nickname ive given them for tumblr) was one of those people who i chatted with on tinder. theyre female but identify as they/them (i dont think they used those pronouns when we first started talking tho). they msgd first and our convo was actually really long-lasting so we followed each other on IG. (theyre also not the only one i've exchanged IG with so its not like i only gave it to them). Yes, I thought they were pretty when i swiped. sue me. i think many people are pretty. its just me acknowledging when someones aesthetically pleasing. eventually, we talked less and i also went on tinder less. After about a month into me and my bfs break, he begins to talk to me more like he used to. Then he asks if he can see me bc he missed me. Still cant leave my house with him but we hang out and its nice. HE ASKS ME IF I MET ANYONE NEW. i say no and hes like ...really?you sure? I ask him the same and he says no (while breaking eye contact,, literal red flag but i was blindsided). he tells me the truth over FT and that ruined me way more than i let on. (i think he's feeling a similar way now but for diff reasons)

we got back together after and the rest of the year (2021) was super fun. weve now been together for almost 4 1/2 years! since our BREAK NOT BREAKUP (not me @ ing him when he wont even see this) me and snow comment on each others IG posts now and again. for ex, ive said they looked so prettyyy & i would compliment their makeup skills. they would reply in a cute/flattery way. thats how they reply to comments. theyre also very embellished, like with emojis. theyve commented on my pics saying i look cute and hyping me up with compliments as well. it just turned into a natural, mutual thing; idk how else to describe it. its like having an online friend where you only interact thru the comments to show kindness. LOL IDK that sounds corny but yeah. girly things i guess. & then irl its so subdued.

so aside from the comments, we would react to each others stories like once in a blue moon. they posted about watching demon slayer so i said its a good anime. i posted me and my bfs halloween costumes and they said we looked so cute. fast fwd to the end of last yr... we said happy bday to each other and i brought up the idea of possibly hanging out one day if theyre down. so yes, i asked first. they said they would love to and that they were glad i asked bc they were too anxious to ask themselves (mood). im surprised at myself that i even asked but i guess i felt comfortable enough.

(i feel like im writing my own biography omg..) anyways, we get each others numbers and talk about our schedules. we were both very busy so nothing happened. we sporadically made small talk, as one does with their internet friend, over a couple of months. we talked on IG more & also thought about the plans for when we hang out. its now like almost summer and they text me asking if i was free last minute to hang out bc they were gonna be in my town but i was busy.

its now like a month later and i see them at the mall with their friend when i was with my bf. (i already spoke about this so i wont repeat it). after that day, we finally made a day to hang out. bf wasnt happy about it; i tried to reassure him; he saw and still sees them as someone to worry about; he thinks im gonna do something stupid and act out on any fantasies i may have. he knows im bi; he sees snow as someone who looks queer. he thinks that our intentions are to get closer to each other in a way that crosses a friendship.

he saw me listening to a playlist titled sapphic energy. it just consists of songs i enjoy by female artists and ive had that playlist for a long time now. i only edited the title.. but just now i switched it back to what it was before so thats ONE thing "fixed" to make him at ease.

he doesnt believe me when i tell him that my only intention and motive here is to make a good, new friendship. THATS ALL I WANT. AND THATS ALL SNOW WANTS. i can see how it can look like its more from an outside perspective bc of our IG comments but it was not like that in person at all!! it just felt like hanging out with a friend and introducing new things to each other like shows and foods. snow even made it clear that once someone is their friend, they cant see them any other way and that formed to protect their feelings. when we hung out there were literally no signs of feelings or anything that would cross boundaries. i didnt get that feeling i get when i have a crush and lose all my brain cells. by our second hang out we were past any awkwardness and it felt like a regular day out with a friend.

I did look cute that day but i always dress up!!! i dress up like every time i see my bf. i dress up for work. i dress up when im going out with friends. i enjoy fashion and makeup and looking pretty,,

last yr he was using bumble friends and he met up with a guy but they havent hung out since. ive helped him swipe on people before and i was okay with it, except when it was like an attractive girl.. would that be hypocritical of me tho?...idk. we def both get kinda jealous over these things. i can get territorial, like he is mine lol i am his. we would never be open or add a third and the thought of him befriending new females made me nervous. especially after what happened during our break. like idk, that still sticks with me and makes me think of bad feelings..and even more especially now after finding out about what he and his friend did.. but me feeling nervous about that is like what HE is feeling (T-T) I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP AND IT SUCKS. i dont think i catch feelings easily. i dont get butterflies over people easily. im not an openly sexual person.

like. am i being unfair by continuing this friendship? snow doesnt know how he feels about us. idek if its worth telling but im gonna wait till more time passes and see how things go. would him hanging out with us make him feel better?? would it be too weird? he already doesnt like the idea of snow so how would he be in a room with them.

i wanna fast fwd to friday so i can tell my bestie about it and then fast fwd to sunday so i can see him. he is still not back to his usual self when we talk on snap. he tries to save serious confrontations for in person bc he sounds angry thru text so even tho itll make me nervous, i still wanna work this out so it doesnt ruin our relationship.

#mypost #journal

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