Just A Friend To You by Meghan Trainer
Playlist:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0imS8C3oKXY5cqxCQQ7Pzr?si=qfmKfl2KRXiplc9C8lfkLA&pi=u-n5LkXNKPRJ29
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don’t fall in love with your best friend
I’m waiting for a question. A question along the lines of “did you lie to me when you said you didn’t have feelings for me,” a question that I’ve been thinking about for days now and still don’t have the perfect answer to because it’s a question that will ruin the most important friendship I have.
Of course, I could have just told him the truth from the beginning, but I panicked, and I lied, and lies just get you into worse and more complicated situations, and it seemed smart at the time, but now I’m seeing that it wasn’t, it really wasn’t. And however this ends up going, eventually, I’m going to get my heart broken, because nothing lasts forever, and We’ve always been too good to be true.
And I’m annoyed that this is truly the first time I’ve ever been In Love, not in a sappy stupid way, but as an honest-to-goodness, straight-up fact, I am in love with him because I’ve always loved him, first as a friend, and yes, now something more, but I don’t love him for that Something More, I love him for him, and maybe that’s worse.
I know that he’ll never see me that way, but for some reason I keep hoping that he will, temporarily forgetting that it would be ridiculous and would never work out, and thinking about how everything seemed so perfectly aligned - because it does, even our personality types are supposedly “perfect matches” - but the most important puzzle piece, the one where he feels the same way, is missing, and without it, there is no puzzle, not really. And even if that piece was found, the puzzle pieces would still be scattered, always straining to join into that perfect wonderful beautiful picture, but they’d be straining forever, because We, as anything more than best friends, is impossible and it’ll never happen, and all I can think is “don’t fall in love with your best friend,” on repeat in my mind, all day every day.
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Today I saw a pic of a baby cowbird next 2 its nest "parent" and it was so much bigger!!!!! Which is the sort of thing that gets normal people upset about the injustice of nest parasitism but makes *me* worry if baby cowbirds get bird dysmorphia
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it's been said before and i'm sure said better than i can phrase it. but really, really - if you like making "i'm going to kill myself" jokes, please try switching to being ironically conceited instead.
anytime something goes wrong, say things like "ah well at least i'm beautiful and charming and everyone loves me." when you forget something, try "my big huge brain is so smart and thinking about too many other very big wizardly thoughts you wouldn't even understand." when you're frustrated by one of your symptoms, start talking like you're in My Immortal. "Life has come for me but my eyes are beautiful pools of gorgeous fire and my hair is amazing. I stuck my middle finger up at life and told it to fuck off and it did."
just... try it for a month or two. try saying the most absurdly self-congratulatory shit you can think of.
i know it's tempting to make suicide or self-harm jokes. and for me at least, a decade ago (!) when someone suggested i stop making those kinds of jokes, i was kind of at a loss for what to replace them with. i wanted to make light of these moments, but genuinely (at the time) my first thought really was suicidal ideation. there was a part of me that even felt like ... i was kind of "making light" of that voice. that if i could say i want to die lol, it would help take the sting out of that genuine (albeit passive) desire. like i could turn my illness into a joke.
when i started complimenting myself instead, it felt awkward and stupid. it felt really, really ironic. what i was actually saying was nobody would ever think this stuff about me, that's what makes it so fucking funny.
but. the effect was immediate. first thing i noticed was the people around me. when i dropped a glass and said ah my skin is too beautiful and sleek the glass has swooned and broken for me, other people were suddenly overjoyed to jump in with the joke. rather than making an awkward moment, we'd both start cracking up. ah princess sleek hands, i've heard of you.
i was 19. i hadn't noticed i'd been making others tense when i said i want it all to end. i know now that it's incredibly hard to know how to walk that moment - do you talk to them about your concern? do you potentially make them uncomfortable by asking if they're okay? do you ignore the situation? do you help them pick up the glass, or do they need to do it by themselves? are they genuinely made suicidal over this small moment? and most importantly, how do you - without professional training or supplies - actually help?
most people want to help you pick up the glass in your life, they just have no fucking idea how to do it. they don't want to make anything worse. they don't want to make assumptions about you. they love you, they're scared for you - and being scared makes people kind of freeze up. it's not because they don't love you. it's because they do.
now when something bad happens, my first thought is how can i make a stupid joke about this. it isn't my brain saying you're a dumb fucking bitch. i spend more time laughing. i spend more time being gentle with myself. i spend more time feeling good.
and the thing is - what's kind of funny - is that you'd be surprised by how many people agree with you. the first time i said i'm too pretty to understand that, someone else said to be fair you're the prettiest person in this room. i promise - you really don't know how kindly your friends see you. but they love you for a reason. they sort of reverse-velveteen-rabbit you. your weird and ugly spots fade away and you just become... the love they want to give you.
go love yourself ironically. the worst thing that happens is that you end up tricking your reflection into actually loving you.
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