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rwby-redux · 4 years

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Deconstruction

Worldbuilding: Genetics

If any of my Deconstruction posts were going to turn heads, I had a hunch it would be this one. You’ll probably find this topic incongruous with the others simply because—unlike Aura, Semblances, Dust, and Grimm—genetics isn’t one of RWBY’s unique gimmicks. If I’m being entirely honest, part of why this post exists is because I still had some miscellaneous talking points to address, but lacked a proper heading to file them under. Call it what it is: a dumping ground for wayward thoughts.

But there’s a bit more to it than just that. The reason why I want to talk about this is because, much like the other mechanical aspects, genetics does have a bearing on RWBY’s worldbuilding, and the stories that were subsequently built around it. It has an undeniable impact on the sociopolitical human-Faunus schism that set the stage for Remnant’s immediate past, and the present-day terrorist acts committed by the White Fang. Genetics is also an extension of RWBY’s adherence to color theory, reflected in the hair and eye color choices of the ensemble cast.

Before we can finally conclude Part 1 of the Worldbuilding posts, we need to discuss this topic from both a narrative and a production standpoint. Genetics is firmly rooted in the development and design choices of the writers—choices which, as you’ll quickly see, had long-lasting consequences for the show.

Today we’re going to be dividing this topic into two sections. Since I’m sure it’s already on your mind, let’s get the obvious one out of the way first:

The Genetics of the Faunus

The Faunus are going to have an entire post dedicated just to them, but it’s impossible to talk about genetics without at least a passing mention of one of Remnant’s two main species.

Subspecies.

Races?

Yeah. You can quickly see where this is going.

Before I get ahead of myself, let me provide some context. Just like the conception of the Maidens, the Faunus can trace their developmental history to a rather impulsive design choice:

“Monty really wanted a character with cat ears,” admits Miles Luna. Shawcross expands on how Blake Belladonna’s look resulted in a cornerstone of the show’s lore. “So if Blake has cat ears, does that mean anyone can have cat ears? Could they have other animal traits? It’d be cool to see someone with scales or a fox tail…” [1]

Let me clarify by saying that there’s nothing wrong with basing a decision on aesthetics (in principle, anyway). And RWBY isn’t the only franchise guilty of doing this. It only takes a few seconds of consulting TV Tropes to see that zoomorphism is extremely pervasive. And while I have a tendency to complain a lot on this blog, I’m not such a kvetch that I’ll deny that animal-people with lion tails and ram horns look fucking sweet.

The problem I have with Faunus (from a genetic standpoint) is the way they’re inconsistently described in relation to humans. While Qrow unambiguously refers to them as a separate species, [2] we have Faunus characters that contradict him by describing themselves as a race. [3] This leads to the inevitable issue of whose account do we trust? On one hand, the information provided to us by Qrow is through World of Remnant, a spin-off series whose entire purpose is to clarify information and teach the audience about core worldbuilding concepts. On the other hand, what we’re told about the Faunus being a race comes directly from Ghira Belladonna. In this context, who would you expect to be the better authority on Faunus—a human, or a Faunus?

Even if we set aside the complicated implications of an outgroup member talking over a minority, we’re still left with the issue of well, which is it? Are they a race or a species? And why does it even matter?

Before we can answer any of those questions, let’s quickly define both terms:

A species is a taxonomic rank used for classifying groups of organisms together on the basis of being able to participate in genetic interchange via sexual reproduction, to produce fertile offspring.

A race (in biology) is an informal/unrecognized taxonomic rank below subspecies, defined as unique subgroups with either geographic, physiological, or genetic distinctions from other subgroups within their species. In anthropology, however, a race is typically regarded as a social construct. In this case, it refers to an identity held by members of a population that share physical or social qualities that are seen as categorically distinct.

The answer, if we’re being objective, is probably something along the lines of “RWBY’s writers thought that the two terms were interchangeable, or they didn’t think the distinction mattered enough to do the research and settle on a definition.” Unless someone specifically reached out to a Rooster Teeth employee and asked, we’ll never truly know. Speculation will only get us so far, and where this blog is concerned, we need a definitive answer—or at the very least, we need to talk about why the distinction matters to us.

So, are Faunus their own race? Meaning, are they a self-identifying ethnic group with a common language, ancestry, history, culture, nation, or social treatment within their residing area?

Common language: That’s a definite no. RWBY still hasn’t managed to explain how everyone across the four kingdoms speaks the same language, let alone develop any conlangs.

Ancestry: We actually don’t have a canon answer for this. The show has yet to tell us where the Faunus came from, so we can’t make any assumptions about how related they are to one another.

History: Technically, yes. But the series has a gross tendency to homogenize the experience of Faunus across Remnant, so the history of Faunus in Vale is virtually identical to that of Mistral. This trend results in storytelling discrepancies, like the Faunus in culturally-unprejudiced Vacuo [4] being equally threatened by and involved with the Faunus Rights Revolution, when there shouldn’t have been an in-world basis for this scenario.

Culture: Don’t make me laugh. RWBY couldn’t even be bothered to give any of its four kingdoms distinct cultures. Apart from a few scenes in Menagerie where you see a bunch of background characters hanging out in the Shallow Sea district of Kuo Kuana, there really isn’t anything culturally unique to the Faunus.

Nation: I guess? I personally wouldn’t consider Menagerie a nation, simply because it’s not one the Faunus originated from, but were rather given in the aftermath of the Great War. As far as we know, Faunus have always been just as widespread across Remnant as humans.

Social treatment: We’re told that social treatment for the Faunus as a whole is shitty, but that the degree of shittiness varies from place to place. Forgive me if I don’t buy that. Not after we’ve seen students in Vale physically harass a Faunus, [5] shops in Mistral refuse service to Faunus, [6] and companies in Atlas extract labor from Faunus. [7] If social treatment is contingent on shared experiences, then why are we told that these experiences change depending on the kingdom? And if the kingdoms vary in levels of racial acceptance, then why are we repeatedly shown the exact opposite?

Based on the aforementioned criteria, I’m inclined to say that Faunus don’t fit the definition of race.

So, are the Faunus a separate species from humans?

“History gets a little fuzzy past a certain point, but we do know that their kind and ours are completely compatible, from a—a biological standpoint.” | Source: World of Remnant, Volume 4, Episode 6: “Faunus.”

That’s a resounding no.

As much as the taxonomist in me wants to talk about things like the multiple competing species concepts, or the fact that plants frequently violate the definition of species by producing fertile hybrids through polyploidy (chromosomal doubling), I have to restrain myself. For simplicity’s sake, we’re accepting that Faunus and humans are members of the same species on the basis that they’re not reproductively isolated.

The reason why genetics matters in regards to the race-species discourse is because we have yet to learn what the Faunus truly are. If we ignore the fact that they exist because Monty Oum wanted to stick cat ears on a girl, then we have to figure out what their existence means to Remnant’s past: Did the Brother Gods intervene in the early evolution of Humanity v2.0, by creating a subset of people with animal traits that would sow discord, for the sole purpose of giving Ozma another obstacle to overcome? Did Salem (who watched Humanity v2.0 evolve) try to influence their evolution, and somehow managed to bestow animalistic traits upon select groups of early hominids? Is Dust like a magically-radioactive fossil fuel that by pure chance mutated early people through exposure, resulting in their animalistic traits? Are the Faunus’ animal traits completely irrelevant to the plot, and are only there for the sake of style?

That’s why the Faunus’ genetic background matters—because as the story progresses, it’s going to inform what questions the audience asks.

There’s a good chance that all of this will end up being nitpicky conjecture, and there won’t be any storytelling payoff. But I think it’s still important to address, if for no other reason than to illustrate why pre-production worldbuilding is essential for telling a coherent story. But I digress.

Genetics, and Its Relationship with Color Theory

It goes without saying that RWBY is defined by color. It’s reflected in nearly every facet of the franchise—team names, wardrobe, Dust color, Aura color, emblems, characters’ names, even the show’s title—and it’s just as important from a worldbuilding standpoint as it is from a narrative one. [8]

Where color theory and genetics cross paths is in the field of character appearance—specifically, hair and eye color. For the moment, let’s set aside eye color as a visual device for foiling and paralleling characters (like Yang Xiao Long’s purple eyes compared to Blake Belladonna’s yellow eyes). Instead, we’re going to talk about these phenotypes from a hereditary perspective.

We’re going to streamline this discussion a bit by focusing on hair for the moment, and picking three colors that would be considered unnatural by our world’s standards. Let’s go with blue, green, and pink. Here’s a handful of characters who have these traits:

Blue hair: Neptune Vasilias, Ciel Soleil, Henry Marigold, May Marigold, Nebula Violette, Sky Lark, Trifa

Green hair: Emerald Sustrai, Marrow Amin, Bartholomew Oobleck, Reese Chloris, Russel Thrush, Sage Ayana

Pink hair: An Ren, May Zedong, Nadir Shiko

Now we’re going to take those lists and swap out the characters’ names for their inferred country of origin:

Blue hair: Mistral, Atlas, Atlas, Atlas, Vacuo, Vale, Menagerie

Green hair: Vale, Atlas, Vale, Mistral, Vale, Mistral

Pink hair: Mistral, Vacuo, Mistral

We can conclude that these hair colors are natural on the basis that we never see characters dying their hair, and that similarly unusual eye colors (red, pink, purple, yellow) would also be natural in Remnant. Unless we’re assuming that everyone is wearing custom contact lenses, then it’s safe to say they’re legit. With the example of hair color, you’ll notice that they’re distributed across a wide number of nationalities, with little hint of consistency among them.

At the end of the day, it’s easy to write this off as “the writers wanted to have cool character designs and not have to think too hard about the worldbuilding implications behind them.” But there is a worldbuilding implication behind them, and it’s one that I’ll be focusing on in later Deconstruction and Amendment posts, so I want to make sure we talk about it now:

RWBY has repeatedly shown us that people are fairly geographically isolated from each other, and travel between kingdoms has always been difficult due to the Grimm. It wasn’t until eighty years ago, when the Great War ended, that a combo of international political cooperation and technological advancements made travel safer and more commonplace. Keep in mind that when populations of humans are geographically isolated from each other over prolonged periods of time, it results in those populations evolving specific anatomical traits.

Let me give you a few real world examples. Epicanthic folds are predominantly found in East Asian, Polynesian, and North Asian ethnic groups. Red hair, while not exclusive to any one nationality, is statistically highest in people of Northwestern European ancestry. Darker complexion is most common in equatorial populations, where high melanin production (especially eumelanin) protects against UVR exposure.

RWBY has every reason under the sun to ascribe certain phenotypes to the ethnicities of each kingdom, and for some reason it just doesn’t. Like, why not make green hair a trait common to people with Sanus ancestry? How about red eyes originating from Anima?

Avatar: The Last Airbender pulled this off by making dark skin, brown hair, and blue/gray eyes features of the Water Tribes. The Fire Nation, to reflect its broader geographic distribution, has a much wider range of phenotypes, with both light and dark skin tones and black or brown hair. However, it still retained golden, amber, and bronze eyes as a distinguishing characteristic of people descended from this ancestry. Frankly, I love that the show took the time to establish those traits among its ethnic groups. Not only was it a great way to visually communicate to the audience the ethnicity of the characters, but those traits took on entirely new meanings in the sequel Avatar: The Legend of Korra. When we meet the brothers Mako and Bolin for the first time and see their respective eye colors—amber and green—we’re immediately able to deduce that they’re the products of successful multiculturalism, something that would’ve seemed impossible seventy years ago when the world was gripped by war. It’s a powerful statement that was conveyed through careful attention to detail and excellent worldbuilding. Given that RWBY also takes place several decades after a global war, the writers had the opportunity to pull off a similar feat. And I don’t think it ever occurred to them once.

At the end of the day, it’s not the worst thing RWBY could’ve done. I think I’m just disappointed by the missed opportunities. The show already has so little going for it when it comes to shaping the identities of its four main kingdoms, so with color being such a vital motif for the show, this feels like it should have been a natural progression of those ideas.

On a more positive note, we’ve finally reached the end of Worldbuilding (Part I) - Mechanical Aspects! Next time, we’ll get to introduce the second section of worldbuilding topics: history.

[1] Wallace, Daniel. The World of RWBY: The Official Companion. VIZ Media LLC, 2019, page 42.

[2] World of Remnant, Volume 4, Episode 6: “Faunus.”

[3] Volume 5, Episode 3: “Unforeseen Complications.” Ghira Belladonna: “[Adam’s] actions not only tarnished the reputation of an organization originally created to bring peace and equality to all, but to our entire race.”

[4] World of Remnant, Volume 4, Episode 4: “Vacuo.”

[5] Volume 1, Episode 11: “Jaunedice - Part 1.”

[6] Volume 5, Episode 6: “Known by Its Song.”

[7] Volume 7, Episode 1: “The Greatest Kingdom.”

[8] Wallace, Daniel. The World of RWBY: The Official Companion. VIZ Media LLC, 2019, page 44.

#deconstruction #worldbuilding #writing #genetics #oh thank god it's done #time to go slither off to bed

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afaimsarrowverse · 4 years

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The 15 craziest Episodes of Legends of Tomorrow:

„Crazy“ is an ever changing measure, especially in the Arrowverse. When Time Travel and Parallel Universes were introduced it was a heavy leap from the norm. A couple of seasons later it was pretty much normal. So this list reflects changes in the norm, episodes that pushed the crazy and unusual. What is crazy for on show is not crazy for another one.

„Legends“ kind of went nuts in Season 2 and never became sane again, it became even nuttier from season to season. So it’s a question of degree here even more than anywhere else compared to what happened around the episode in question:

So let’s get into it:

15. Doomworld (Episode 2.16/32, Written by: Ray Utarnachitt, Sarah Hernandez, Directed by: Mairzee Almas)

Alternate timelines are kind of an Arrowverse thing, but this one did not came to be through time travel but through the Legion of Doom rewriting history to their own liking. Therefore there is no cause and effect to the changes, which allowed the writers to have vigilante Felicity, hero assassin duo Sara und Amaya, janitor Ray, Bossman Jax, timid Martin, and Master Baker Rip – well that one came about because of different circumstances, but yes, this episode has to be seen to be believed.

14. Camelot/3000 (Episode 2.12/28, Written by: Anderson Mackenzie, Directed by: Antonio Negret)

From the far future to Camelot and King Arthur – this episodes travelled far and mixed those two areas up quite nice. In true Legends fashion Ray became a Knight of the Round Table, Sara got to hit on Guenevere, and Mick got to beat the adversary army with his brain. Yes, you read that one right. Just ask poor Martin about it.

13. Witch Hunt (Episode 4.2/53, Written by: Keto Shimizu und Matthew Maalaa, Directed by: Kevin Mock)

Here „Legends“ inserted the a singing Fairy Godmother into the era of the Salem Witch Trials. While Zari got to confront her own anger about certain things, the Fairy Godmother was really not the fairytale kind, but rather an evil one, but boy, she could sing.

12. Crisis on Infinite Earths Part 5 (Episode 5.0/68, Written by: Keto Shimizu, Ubah Mohamed, Directed by: Gregory Smith)

“Legends” provided Time Travel and it’s characters for most Crossovers, but this one was special because it was a Crossover Episode in pure Legends Style. Our heroes got to confront a gigantic Beebo, Ray took a selfie, Mick had a book signing, and everyone thought they were going insane - and around all of this Earth Prime was established and Olivers fate was confirmed. Most viewers who did not know “Legends” were probably very confused during this one.

11. The Virgin Gary (Episode 4.1/52, Written by: Phil Klemmer und Grainee Godfree, Directed by: Gregory Smith)

John Constantine joins the Legends in the time for a murderous unicorn at Woodstock that roofies most of the team and gets Ray to snog a tree, Mick and Nate to exchange loving vows, and Zari to chase lights. Plus Gary almost gets eaten by a unicorn. Matt Ryan had doubts about signing that contract on his first day on set for this episode, you know. But we loved it.

10. Helen Hunt (Episode 3.6/39, Written by: Keto Shimizu und Ubah Mohamed, Directed by: David Geddes)

Helen of Troy single handedly destroys the Golden Era of Hollywood, simply by being there and driving men nuts. Studio exes try to kill each other in order to get her, while Damien Darhk becomes her agent to wreck even more havoc. Hard to remember sometimes that this is the guy who killed Laurel, given how much crazy fun he became.

9. The Fellowship of the Spear (Episode 2.15/31, Written by: Keto Shimizu, Matthew Maala, Directed by: Ben Bray)

This episode is “Legends”-Homage to Tolkien and his works. However the most quotes and nods go to the Peter Jackson Movies, which is no problem, because we love them too. The Legends recruit Tolkien out of the trenches for a treasure hunt, however things go bad and some fans were not to happy with one of the team betraying their own at the end of this episode. But don’t you guys remember Boromir?

8. Seance and Sensibility (Episode 4.11/62, Written by: Grainne Godfree, Jackie Canino, Directed by: Alexandra La Roche)

What have Jane Austen and Bollywood in common? Both a represented in this episode that features a Bollywood number and the death of Jane Austens writing career. Everyone gets roofied (again!) but this time it’s just sex dreams, and well Zari starts planning her wedding to an Indian God, while Mona turns hulky and tries to kill Jane Austen. Yep, that’s Legends for you.

7. Aruba (Episode 2.17/33, Written by: Phil Klemmer und Marc Guggenheim, Directed by: Rob Seidenglanz)

The Finale of Season 2 features two sets of Legends, while the team goes back to the event of „Fellowship of the Spear“. While Malcolm, Damien, and Snart are mostly confused Eobard strikes back by recruiting a lot of his former selfes. Legends die, Legends live, Sara saved the day with quite a neat trick, and Eobard gets what he deserves, but we all know he will be back to haunt Barry anways, so that does not really matter, does it?

6. The Good, the Bad and the Cuddley (Episode 3.18/51, Written by: Marc Guggenheim und Phil Klemmer, Directed by: Dermott Downs)

In the Season 3 Finale we got a massive Beebo who fights a gigantic demon. The Beebo was created by a Legends Orgy and symbolizes … well love I guess. While the Finale is kind over overstuffed with plot, the fight at the end makes up for it all. Damien sacrifices himself, Zari has an unlikely romance, and we get to see a lot of old faces again. What a weird Season Finale indeed.

5. Raiders of the Lost Art (Episode 2.9/25, Written by: Keto Shimizu, Chris Fedak, Directed by: Dermott Downs)

This is officially the episode where „Legends“ went nuts. Oh and it’s a delicous one. George Lucas never became a filmmaker after being scared of by Malcolms and Damiens attempts to kill amnesiac Rip Hunter who thinks he is an American filmstudent, whose script is basically the plot of the shows first season. Too bad he can’t find a decent Vandal Savage. And that everyone thinks he is this Rip Hunter guy. Also Mick gets a brain surgey, Ray and Nate change occupations, and Amayas babysits their attempt to get George Lucas back to film school, and thanks god she does otherwise … well otherwise there would be no „Star Wars“ or „Indiana Jones“, would there?

4. Beebo the God of War (Episode 3.9/42, Written by: Grainne Goodfree und James Eagan, Directed by: Kevin Mock)

This was supposed to be the sad goodbye to Martin Stein and it still is that as well, but mostly it’s the episode about Beebo Day. You know, the blue god, who hungers for war and conquest? Whose birthday we celebrate once a year in december and … wait? What was I talking about? Oh, yeah Leo tries to make Mick quit drinking and Beebo get’s squeezed a lot.

3. Legends of To-Meow-Meow (Episode 4.8/59, Written by: James Eagan und Ray Utarnachitt, Directed by: Ben Bray)

Sulky about missing out on the Crossover the Legends crossovered with themselves in Season 4. John and Charlie destroyed the timeline for selfish reasons, and now everything is wrong and everything they do makes things worse instead of better. Zari gets to spend most of the epsiode as a cat, the rest of the Legends get turned into puppets, we meet the Sirens of Spacetime and the Custodians of the Chronology, and a gay kiss saves all of spacetime. Why can’t all shows be more like „Legends“?

2. Meet the Legends (Episode 5.1/69, Written by: Grainne Godfree, James Eagan, Directed by: Kevin Mock)

In this episodes Ava tries to race money for the Time Bureau by making a documentary about the Legends and their work. This episode is the documentary and the making oft he documentary. Think Arrows „Emerald Archer“ only way carzier and funnier. The Legends meet Rasputin who kidnappes the camera team, while Ava writes Sara a very weird condolence note, everyone is acting weird(er) because cameras, and well it’s „Legends“ only even nuttier than normally.

1. The One Where We‘re Trapped On TV (Episode 5.13/81, Written by: Grainne Godfree, James Eagan, Directed by: Marc Guggenheim)

And the award for the Craziest TV Episode of all time goes to this one, where the Legends are trapped on TV. Charlie put them there to protect them, and so we get very familiar but strange versions of „Friends“, „Downtown Abbey,“ and „Star Trek“ with the Legends as the main characters instead. We also meet a murderous Mister Parker, get another musical number lead by the Tarazi siblings, and are as amazed as Mona about everything that is going on here. Can „Legends“ ever top what they did here? Let’s not challenge them, I am sure they can. But until then, we have this one.

#legends of tomorrow #Arrowverse #Craziest Episodes #Episodes

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larksinging · 5 years

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oh how about… make a rwby au for some of your non-rwby characters!

oh MAN okay

im gonna go for a half sibling thing again for laurel. maybe the lances are famous huntsmen and huntresses? that seems to follow. laurel.... probably went to one of the combat schools (maybe haven or atlas if the lances went to beacon) but dropped out after her oliver died. maybe even her oliver and e-1 oliver were on the same boat/airship and e-1 oliver survived and thats partially why shes so pissed at him. anyway she probably falls in with some criminal group because shes aura trained and got her semblance unlocked (obviously, sonic bullshit), and thats very appealing. either someone big like in salem’s larger collection, or maybe something more small time like lil miss malachite’s gang. or hell if we really wanna push it, she ended up with one of the raider tribes like the branwens, or maybe she was raised there or... something. yeah laurel translates pretty smoothly. her name even works because laurel’s a plant!

i was gonna say maive is from atlas but... i think something like the brawnen tribe works better, since 1) she HAS to be a faunus, cmon but also 2) her family needs to be complicit in the systematic abuse, so. raider tribe works. maive gets nearly killed in an initiation ritual and barely manages to run away. even though shes still pretty sickly and hasn’t gotten her semblance unlocked she goes to beacon. her semblance is... maybe something kind of op. maybe something to parallel all her deaths somehow. yeah! she, ratchet, naruto, and... someone else are a team. gardner? heather? uhhhh

fun fact, i almost considered apping winter for a hot second until i went “wait, she’s too similar to margot” and called it off. so there you go. margot would basically be a schnee. but... no really, the vergers are definitely a high powered atlas family. what do they make? who knows! and the situation is, uh... pretty similar. i guess mason probably gets killed by a grimm eel instead, though

ivypool... well, warrior cats transfer pretty neatly to huntsmen and huntresses, so shes from a long and prestigious line of hunters. she gets overshadowed because dovewing unlocks her semblance very early and it’s VERY op, whereas ivypool hasn’t yet. this leads to a lot of resentment and lets hawkfrost, from one of the branches of salem’s faction, manipulate her (like other kids her age) into kind of working for them. eventually she breaks out of it and becomes a proper huntress, but yes!

violetpaw... she’s a faunus her mother’s village was attacked by grimm and she got separated from everyone else (skyclan) before violet and twig are born. and then her mom dies, and they get taken in by.... maybe needlepaw and alderpaw are at the local pre-combat school (like signal)? idk anyway wherever they are theres a growing rift and eventually needletail, along with violetpaw, end up going with darktail’s fringe branch of the white fang. maybe. i guess darktail could just have his own gang too? i dont know! anyway violetpaw probably has some kind of sneaky cool semblance, which she probably unlocks to get around darktail

thats all i have the brainpower for

#THANKS MEEKS that was fun #rorykillmore

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avengers-nextgen · 5 years

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The Aftermath I

The monster’s growl resonated throughout her bones sending painful vibrations through every sleeping nerve. Drool pooled in the crevices of its teeth before tumbling onto the ground with a faint patter. Each second that passed was another Bianca had wasted on trying to escape the inevitable.

Those dark eyes and sharp teeth were all too familiar; she knew the damage they caused.

Heart hammering in sharp bursts she watched the beast’s muscles tense just before it pounced. Fur smothered her in a thick blanket stifling the cries of pain. Each breath only drew in the sickening scent of sweat, blood, and wet dog.

The sounds of the carnage were the worst. At last, the monster withdrew to study its victim. Slobbering jaws seemed to unhinge and just before sharp teeth clamped onto her face she woke.

Sweat coated her skin in a thin layer plastering strands of dark hair to her face. The sound of scratching at the door sent a chill tumbling down her spine. Bianca realized for the first time she was on the floor. How she’d gotten there she didn’t know, but she needed to hide. Those nails only meant one thing.

In desperation the soldier crawled beneath her bed for refuge. She lay there with hands over her ears, eyes closed, and body quivering.

Bianca didn’t know how long she stayed like that but something brushed against her and it was a moment of fight or flight.

Eyes flashing open, fists clenched, Bianca prepared to lash out only to realize there was no immediate danger. She recognized the person crouched beside her bed.

“Hey, it’s me. You’re okay, come on out,” Alex smiled thinly, extending her hand. Bianca rejected it and made her way out alone. With some effort she managed to sit up and prop herself beside her bed. “Bad dream?”

“It was real,” Bianca whimpered, “it was real.”

“No, Bee, it wasn’t,” Alex shook her head, speaking gently.

“Yes it was! I could feel it.” Bianca protested, “it was here. I don’t know how but it-“

“Calm down,” Alex took hold of her friend’s shaking hands.

“I am calm.”

“No, Bianca, you’re not. It’s okay, just focus on me,” Alex tried to keep Bianca’s attention, but the soldier was scouring the room for a hidden presence.

“There were nails on the door. They were scratching. I-“

“It was Salem,” Alex explained, “he sensed you were upset and made me come here. I’m glad he did.”

“Salem?” Bianca breathed, finally identifying the cat curled protectively by the door.

“Yeah. It was just him. That’s all,” Alex promised.

Sighing, Bianca let her head fall back against the side of her bed. Eyes closed, her breathing began to slow. “I should have known that. I’m so stupid.”

“You’re not. You’re just experiencing something lots of people do, me included. There’s not much you can do about it,” Alex sat patiently with her friend for some time explaining exactly what PTSD was. Bianca listened half heartedly. By the end, her head was bowed in defeat with strands of damp hair clouding her face from Alex. “Hey, none of that. Don’t be ashamed of it.”

But Bianca couldn’t help the tears sliding down her cheeks. She wanted to be normal again, but her normal wasn’t even that normal to begin with. She was never going to be normal. She’d been designed from the beginning to be broken.

Eyes softening, Alex collected the other girl in her arms and held her close. She ran a careful hand through Bianca’s hair trying to soothe her thoughts, but it was of little use.

“Is she okay?” Alex jumped slightly and glanced up to see a very concerned Sage standing in the doorway.

“Dreams,” Alex sighed.

“Bee?” Sage approached her friend with caution sitting beside her. Bianca spared the new arrival a small glance that broke Sage’s heart.

“I wish they’d killed me,” came the raspy words. Cries of despair turned to tears of hot rage.

“Don’t-“ Alex started only to be interrupted.

“I wouldn’t be like this. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be scared or broken or just a stupid weapon. I wish I’d never been born,” Bianca clutched at the nearby nightstand, and in her anger managed to pull herself to her feet. For the briefest moment a look of determination settled on her face.

Scrambling to her feet, Alex attempted to calm her down, but Bianca wasn’t listening. “Easy, easy-“

“Don’t tell me to be calm. You don’t know what this is like. I can’t walk! I can’t do anything on my own and I hate it. If I ever get my hands on-on that stupid-I’m going to kill them. I’m going to break them-“ Alex stood wide eyed watching Bianca unravel for the first time. The anger, the hate, and the absolute pain in those dark eyes was terrifying. She was certain that - had Max been nearby- Bianca would kill them.

With an unsteady step the soldier left the nightstand behind only to collapse. As soon as she hit the floor an angry yell escaped her lips. Sage stood watching with a wounded expression knowing she should help, but also knowing there was little to be done. No one could curb such despair.

So she stood there as Bianca threw a tantrum of absolute anger. Not the kind a whiny child did, but the kind someone who’d truly been hurt did.

It wasn’t until Bucky entered the room and collected the wailing girl that things began to settle. He stole her away to his own room and the silence that followed was deafening.

As Sage and Alex headed back into the hall they noticed each door slightly cracked with eyes peering out. They had all heard it, all seen it, and they all were broken by it.

That night, Sage made her way down to the cell block. She knew it was dangerous, she could very well lose control, but she’d promised to stay calm. There was nothing she could do to fix what happened.

Eyes cast down, she stopped once parallel with the designated cell. A figure was sitting upon the floor looking at her with wide and fearful eyes.

“Don’t think about yelling for help,” Sage warned, finally meeting Max’s gaze. “I’m not here to hurt you no matter how bad I want to.”

“Please don’t-“

“Shut up or I’ll consider it,” Sage glowered. Max clamped their mouth shut. “I want you to know something very important and you sure as hell better listen.”

“Understood.”

“Whatever happens to you, whether you get out of here or not, if I ever have the choice of saving you or letting you die I will watch you be torn to pieces with no sense of guilt at all. You deserve to rot, to be eaten by bugs, and feel rats nibble at your bones, but I won’t make it happen. I’m not that kind of person anymore no matter how badly I want to be in this moment. What you’ve done to my friends and my family is absolutely unforgivable,” Sage hissed.

“I’m sorry-“

“I don’t want an apology,” Sage yelled cutting him off before continuing in a whisper, “I want you to be afraid. I want you to know that no matter what Enzo does or says about you I will never be on your side. Maybe, one day, if you can find a way to change my mind we can forget this ever happened. Until then, I won’t lift a finger to clear your name.. You have no place in my heart whatsoever. No room for pity, or sorrow, or forgiveness, and if you expect any you will be sorely mistaken.”

“You blame yourself don’t you?” Max asked softly.

“Yes,” Sage admitted, “because I’m the one who let you into this house. And I’m the one who let you destroy it. I won’t make the same mistake again.”

Turning curtly on her heel Sage marched with a set jaw back towards the entrance.

“I really am sorry,” Max called out, “you have to know that!”

Sage paused just briefly, “Maybe you are, but I’m not the one who needs to hear it.”

#avengers #avengers next gen #marvel #black widow #captain america #mcu #natasha romanoff #pepper potts #romanogers #scarlet witch #the aftermath

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knightofbalance-13 · 7 years

Text

http://kaedeichinose.tumblr.com/post/155455868286/everything-in-rwby-is-controlled-by-men-either

... @mageknight14 , You didn’t mix in my secret stash did you?

Everything in RWBY is controlled by men, either actively or passively, and here’s a huge bullet point list elaborating on how shitty the agency of female characters is in a show billed as female driven with “””strong””” female characters.

As we will see, they actually don’t and this person is just complaining without focus.

And again: just because you have a strong female cast doesn’t mean you have to ignore the male cast. In fact: RWBY is unique in that it has an equally strong male cast, making a TRUE progressive show...and sadly, RWBY is not SUPPOSE to be progressive so that's pathetic.

It’s mostly for my benefit because I’ve been stewing on this shit for a while now but I’ll post it in the rwde tag in case anyone else wants to fully absorb this train wreck but mostly it boils down to: let the women lead their own lives

Ah huh, see here’s the thing: the gusy are just as heavily defined by the woman as vice versa. You’ll latter down the line:

Ruby: No female role models outside of her sister, but the farthest Yang’s seemed to have influenced her life is being a replacement mom which is icky and all of her skills come from her male mentor(s) or just straight magic

Being motherly is “icky?” Lady, I once saw a mother character whoop superhuman ass by sowing a rotting touch girl into concrete, cut through human-sized vines with garden trimmers and once tackled a giant with a chainsaw all to protect her kid. That kid happen to be her son and looked up to and loved his mother very much to the point 90% of his personality seems to come from her.

Not to mention her father Taiyang is completely defined by his children and losing his lovers, characters in their own right independent from him, and he only really interacts with his kids. His defining character trait is that he is the main character’s father. Next.

Weiss: Mom’s not even lucid, no other females in her life sans winter who still acts cold and distant despite the shared life experiences, Weiss is pushed around and treated like “women should be seen, not heard” manner not only by her father but by most people around her which is weird as remnant is “all inclusive” so that ideology shouldnt even exist

“All inclusive” implies Fanaus too dumbass. And even OUR society has shit like this so don’t go blaming Remannt for that.

Also: Jacques and Whitely are clearly treated as Villians in that regard and that they are massively wrong and while WInter is distant somewhat, she has been the only person to give Weiss solid advice and is Weiss’ goal for Volume 5. So that doesn’t work.

And again, we have a male too: Whitely has no personality outside of hating his sister and being a little bitch and is just an obstacle for Weiss to overcome. He has no agency of his own unlike Weiss who does.

Blake: Her mom’s kind but ultimately all her skills and passion come from the influence of her male ex-partner. Kali doesn’t even seem to be as high up in the chain as Ghira and even now most of Blake’s reconciliation seems to be happening with her dad

Okay...and? SO Blake takes after her dad: so what? Ghira and Kali are used as a parallel to Blake and Sun clearly seeing as Kali acts more like Sun than Blake so it’s obviously a counterpart thing.

Again, we have Sun who has no character outside of Blake, is completely debouted to her for no reason, has put up with a lot of crap from her and revolves entirely around her. If he were a girl it would be so offensive to you. But it’s a guy so no problem here!

Yang: Again, no female role models. Seems to have been forced to take over parenting once Tai Yang shut down for an nondescript period of time. Current season is implying her skills came from her father mentoring her.

Again: What’s the problem with Taiyang mentoring her? She matched Taiyang hand to hand and the guy’s a freaking full fledged Huntsman: She’s being empowered by being a better fighter than her dad.

And isn’t Yang pulling herself together while her full grown father couldn’t a sigh of strength? If that isn’t strong Idon’t know what is.

The entirety of JNPR: Nora and Pyrrha scarcely even fucking talk to each other or any other female characters, neither of them have any women in their life nor does Ren. Jaune’s big family honor passed from his grand father to his dad to him, mother and sisters mentioned in passing to justify Jaune doing something “””girly”””. I’m not even going to fucking touch on Pyrrha’s existance being entirely tied to Jaune because you’ve probably heard that a million times already.

1. Gender bender: it’s more that the chaarcetrs representing guys (Nora and Pyrrha) are connected to the gril representatives (Jaune and Ren.)

2. It was never passed down to Jaune: he took it for himself. Not to mention Jaune himself was entirely reliant on Pyrrha and Ruby for character development meaning he’s just as dependant as you say Pyrrha is. In afct the instant Pyrrha dies, Jaune becomes a supporting character to Ruby. He literally drops down a peg.

3. Pyrrha’s a mentor character who is entirely reliant on her underling for support, cares very much about him and is killed for his skae? Gee, you just described KAMINA, the manly man of TTGL. In fact, Pyrrha is a stronger character than Kamina seeing as she has her own strength, gets screentiem outside of Jaune and has an arc to herself all unlike Kamina. And Kamina himself was based off a female (Kazumi Amano), was replaced by a female (Nia Tepplin) and is succeded by a female (Mako Makanchou) so the male gender is the one being trampled on here.

Emerald and cinder and cinder and salem are the only fucking female-female role model/mentor relationships in the fucking show and theyre all main antagonists and the villain club still managed to be a sausage fest

Yeah! ... And Weiss and Winter ... And Jaune would be worthless without Pyrrha...and Nora saved Ren’s like twice and taught him to calm the fuck down...And Ruby;s strength is always attributed to her mother...And Gynda’s a teacher so she HAD to have mentored them...

Also: That’s two mentors in the series. Can we get the male and male mentors....There’s only one?....Mercury and his abusive dad...who he killed...and hates...Yep.

Cinder: Accomplished her goal (kind of) but got punished for it (granted shes the villain) but the punishment was muting and crippling the single most powerful woman in the show to date sans Salem

Ozpin: Strongest Guy in the show: Gets his ass handed to him by Cinder in such a manner that she was barely affected.

Salem: [disney villain laughing.mp4]

Ozpin: [Dumbledore getting his ass handed to him by Heromine.jpg]

Emerald: she idolizes cinder but the relationship is demonstrably unhealthy, the only real female-female mentor relationship on the show and its an unhealthy one between two villains

Weiss and Winter, Yang and Ruby, Glynda and Pyrrha + every female student...

Glynda: went from being Ozpin’s right hand to literally inconsequential, the men are off saving the world and protecting ozpin’s vision and she’s literally been left to clean all on her own. Pick up a hammer and nails, port and oobleck you lazy fucks

Port: “We all need some rest”

Implying they’re helping Glynda with Glynda being the spearhead.

Penny: both creators and trainers/parents are male (unfortunately not i nthat way), she was on her way to having a good relationship with ruby only shes fucking dead to further the plot so dang i guess

That’s baised againt heterosexuals.

And she’s also the strongest non-grownup in the show, far outclassing Sun who is the strongest teen male.

The maidens: despite being the most powerful women in the fucking world (supposedly) theyre controlled and monitored and protected by a group largely consisting of men and are being successfully hunted down by another group largely consisting of men, not to mention their powers are jokes (i mean amber got taken down by two malnourished kids and cinder like what) and their one weakness is the silver eye power, which seems to be a gender neutral power

Likely so no one in the group can be temted to take the power for themselves.

Amber was said to be cocky and inexperienced Vs. three experienced fighters. Also once Cinder got the power, she curbstomped the strngest male in the show, canonically killing him.

Kali: easily best mom but seems pretty hands off in blake’s life, also notable that while her husband is an ex-WF leader and goes to meetings she just kind of sat there smiling while her husband went to do the leader junk

She also forced Blake to confront her father about leaving, called Blake out for not talking about Team RWBY and is the female counterpart to Sun, who is even less active.

Ms.Schnee: doesnt even have a FUCKING NAME despite the fact that SHE’S THE SCHNEE. mostly feels like an after thought in weiss’ narrative, shit mom

Neither does Pyrrha’s dad and he’s not evenmentioned.

Also: It’s called focusing on what is needed. And can you blame here? here husband and son are complete jackasses.

Summer: Despite being a huge influence on multiple characters the most we know of this legendary warrior is that she was a good mom and a good wife. thats it

Sis said to be a powerful Huntsman from yang and has Taiyanga and Qrow wrapped around her dead finger. Also, she raised a child that wasn’t ehrs with such love and kindness Yang didn’t even know they weren’t related. Again, THAT is strength. She’s also the reason why Ruby is so strong so she’s the source of power for the main character.

Neon: unnecessary stereotypical cattiness but maybe thats just me being annoyed she called yang fat despite them having the same body type

Based off Nyan Cat, meme meant to annoy and is intergral to the team stardgey with her partner Flynt.

Not a single world leader we’ve been introduced to has been female (unless you count salem but, again, the main antagonist). No female head masters, no females in politics, no female WF leaders (kali could potentially be one but that hasnt been implied)

The world leaders are either misguided at best (Ozpin) of fucking cowards at worst (Leo) and the only WF leader we’ve seen is the racist, geocidal son of a bitch Adam so they are actually higher up than the guys.

the gods are literally just a gender flipped version of luna and celestia despite the fact theyre magic gods who dont even need gender fuck off

... I have no idea what they are saying: the brother’s are a representation of creation and destruction: simple as that.

Meanwhile: Male characters are eiteh entirely reliant on females for power and/or development (Taiyang, Jaune, Ren), are treated as assholes who aren’t even true villains (Jacques Schnee, Whitely Schnee, Adam Tauras), serve under women who show favor to women (Tyrian, Watts, Hazel, Torchwick), act as people who can only help women (Port and oobleck) ect.

Ruby is still self driven and considered better than Jaune.

Weiss is treated as the one good person ina family of shit head males/

Blake is treated as right whereas her male counterpart is treazted as wrong.

Yang is treated as stronger tan her father, a full fledged Hunstamn.

Nora restraisn Ren and has the far more standout personality that can work on it’s own.

Pyrrha is the reason behind Jaune’s development.

ect.

Both genders rely on each other: Strength in unity. Theme of the show. Not everything is fucking sexist.

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hadrongospeltranscripts · 6 years

Text

Ep. 2- Fright N’ Roll Night Rock

[Short upbeat tune]

Electronic Voice: Hadron Gospel Hour

[Rift sound effect]

Mike: Good morni— good evenin— uh, good whatever it is, folks.

A.S.H. Le: Good times, Mike.

Mike: I guess that’ll work. Let me just say that my latest adventure in the rift has spawned a bounty of candy wealth [wrapper crinkling] unseen since the Halloweens of my youth. Oh, and I got Esmeralda’s fragment, here.

A.S.H. Le: That brings the total fragments retrieved to two hundred and thirty.

Oppenheimer: Not bad for two months work, well done Michael.

Mike: Thank you, thank you. So, A.S.H. Le, how many fragments are left?

A.S.H. Le: Approximately 2.5 trillion.

Mike: [sighs] ‘Kay, well, um, perhaps you’d like to sample the spoils of my Halloween haul, doctor.

[crinkling]

Oppenheimer: What’s this then? Some corporate branded, bite sized conglomeration of guar gum and red number five, I gather? I’m going to put these through the particle scanner.

[crinkling]

Mike: I beat my personal best of ten pounds of candy. This last rift jumped proved to be very trick or treat friendly, no one around. Just empty neighbourhoods full of unoccupied houses with bags of candy on every porch. I also found this cool eighties van with the keys still in it [three beeps], hopped in, and just went to town.

A.S.H. Le: Congratulations Mike.

Mike: Thanks, A.S.H. Le

Oppenheimer: Hm. No doubt the jubilant rush immediately following the arrival of your most recent personal triumph muffled the most obvious of questions.

Mike: Wh-What d’you mean? Where the people were? Long gone, most likely. But the candy, I knew I could save the candy.

Oppenheimer: Care to share the results of the scan, A.S.H. Le?

A.S.H. Le: A compressed oxygen and carbon based substance consisting of water, proteins, lipids, appetite, complex carbohydrates, and a hearty mixture of dissolved inorganic ions.

Mike: Well I could have told you that.

Oppenheimer: People, Michael. You were about to eat people.

Mike: Gah! What? Are they alive?

A.S.H. Le: Negative. It would appear the hadron affect in that particular location had somewhat different resulting set of quantum mutations.

Mike: Moral dilemma averted, then. Jeez, I think I would have preferred razor blades, or pins in my mounds bars.

A.S.H. Le: Don’t be silly, Mike, everyone knows that was just mass hysteria, like the Salem Witch Trials and the Segway.

Mike: What’s on the agenda professor?

Oppenheimer: Precisely nothing, it would seem. 57 million timelines and nothing’s on. I would have previously thought this statistically impossible, but here I sit...

Mike: That can’t be true.

Oppenheimer: Broken hearted.

Mike: You should give your eyes a rest. And you potential poetry debut, maybe let that one cook for a while. Uh, what’re hoping to find anyway with this?

Oppenheimer: This marvellous device is a rift diactualator, a sort of decoder for the multifaceted nature of the rift that has torn countless realities asunder. Not unlike chat roulette. You see Michael, to the untrained eye this densely complicated visual code most likely appears to be nothing more than just that, random code written in a long forgotten language of probable alien origin.

[brief static]

Mike: That sort of looks like the Eiffel Tower to me...

Oppenheimer: Over the years I have stared endlessly into the static, interpreting, translating...

[brief static]

Mike: That’s probably the moon on fire...

Oppenheimer: And eventually seeing it for what it really was.

[brief static]

Mike: And that is definitely a heard of cattle with baseball caps on their heads.

Oppenheimer: Hm, well, it would seem that you, too are gifted with the sight. Although, I more recently see it as somewhat of a curse.

Mike: Can I browse through for a while?

Oppenheimer: By all means.

Mike: [brief static] There’s some sort of acrobat marathon, [brief static] this looks like a bunch of zombies in a supermarket… [brief static]

Oppenheimer: Yes, yes, typical rift fare.

Mike: Volcano eruption, [brief static] rioting, [brief static] oh there’s a cat with glasses… [brief static]

Oppenheimer: Far to much of that.

Mike: Woah, what have here?

[A weird noise starts, not unlike rushing water, but more threatening and gargle-y. It continues as the guys talk]

Oppenheimer: The horror! Quickly Michael, do not gaze upon such an abomination, my eyes be damned!

Mike: Well that reaction was unexpected. Are we both looking at the same thing?

Oppenheimer: I fear that should you continue on this fools course that only madness lie ahead for you! This creature is an indescribable monstrosity!

Mike: I wouldn’t say that is was… indescribable.

Oppenheimer: Of course it is. The focus of all that is pure evil in unbound space and time, how could one describe such a thing? A thing that should not be!

[Oppenheimer makes scared yelps and exclamations as Mike talks]

Mike: Well, I guess I’d start by saying that he’s like a three hundred foot headless, winged, humanoid creature, with a squid-like head, hundreds of tentacles protruding from where the mouth would normally be, it looks like he’s got a bunch of tentacles on his back… he’s covered in ooze… I would say there’s definitely an ocean theme going on.

Oppenheimer: Spare yourself, Michael, your mind must be moments from death!

[More noises from Oppenheimer]

Mike: Massive clawed hands… He got a tunic, or remnants of a tunic, which really isn’t— well, it’s not doing anything for the ooze. [Oppenheimer falls silent] It’s okay, relax, it’s just a code right, just a viewer? This things best attribute, it can’t see us at all. [Mike pauses and the creature’s noises get louder] Okay, he’s looking at us. Well, that was fun while it lasted.

[Theme song starts]

Intro: In the year 2008, in a secret underground lab beneath the large hadron collider, Dr. Oppenheimer Valdini was experimenting with a way to weaponize the so-called “hadron effect” and create the most destructive force ever known to mankind. A freak accident caused the hadron weapon to misfire, tearing a rift in the fabric of space-time, remaking our world and the parallel timelines of the multiverse into an infinite succession of horrors. Mike Wilkinson, I.T. guy by day and indie filmmaker by night was snatched from his world, and thrust into a terrifying dimension of madness and pseudoscience. Now, Oppenheimer and Mike roam the multiverse, chronicling the end of all that is, desperately trying to find a way to heal the rift and restore order to the timeline the only way they know how: by hosting a podcast.

[Theme music intsteifies]

Hadron Gospel Hour! Written by Michael McQuilkin and Richard Wentworth. Starring Richard Wentworth, Michael McQuilkin, Lisa McQuilkin, Michael Atkinson, and Wendy MacLean. With special guest star, John Mikl Thor.

And now, the hour has arrived! Hadron Gospel Hour!

[Theme song ends]

[Faint alarm sounds in background throughout scene]

A.S.H. Le: Imminent structural damage. The bunker will be compromised shortly.

Mike: So this is like a panic room, right? The safest part of the ship— uh, base— uh, what is this thing we’re in again?

Oppenheimer: No, no, nothing like that, I just needed a chance to gather my thoughts. Figure out the best course of action and preserve the integrity of the bunker.

Mike: Let me see if I can find the light… Okay, this is a closet.

Oppenheimer: Well, it’s more of a storage alcove, actually. With a door.

Mike: Let’s see… Shoes, tie rack, hanging jackets here next to my face. Yeah, I’m sticking with closet.

Oppenheimer: Michael, please! I need to think.

Mike: Well doesn’t this… vessel have any sort of defence mechanisms? Electrify the hull or something?

Oppenheimer: Of course! Defence mechanisms! Brilliant Michael.

Mike: Hey, that’s what I’m here for apparently.

Oppenheimer: A.S.H. Le! A.S.H. Le!

A.S.H. Le: Yes, professor?

Oppenheimer: Engage any and all bunker defence mechanisms immediately. [pause] A.S.H. Le?

Mike: This building-house has defence mechanisms, right?

Oppenheimer: Of course it does, though I’ve never had the need to use them prior. A.S.H. Le is an advanced A.I. bunker control entity, capable of handling billions of commands simultaneously. A.S.H. Le!

A.S.H. Le: Thank you for using the light edition of Automated Servitor Heuristics. To unlock advanced features such as exporting Automated Servitor Heuristic to popular formats, defence capabilities, and being able to listen to Automated Servitor Heuristic on your portable devices, please visit the Umbra Digital website at h-t-t-p-colon… [A.S.H. Le fades out as Mike and Oppenheimer talk]

Mike: You still haven’t updated? How many months has it been since Crystalos? Or that kerfuffle on Meatlantis, didn’t we talk about this?

Oppenheimer: Well Michael, let’s not argue on the merits of frugality at a time like—

Mike: Merits of frugality?!

Oppenheimer: Do you have any idea how much a custom artificial intelligence like A.S.H. Le costs, Michael? I could barely afford the lite edition!

Mike: Oh.

Oppenheimer: And furthermore, I certainly wasn’t going to start with an experimental A.I. prototype without some intense bench testing!

Mike: Well, I look forward to reading that report. Oh, no, wait. Wait a minute, I won’t be able to read anything, I’m about to die!

Oppenheimer: Now now, let’s rectify this immediately. They’ve provided a link to their website, we can upgrade right now and be done with it. To the server room!

[Rift sound effect]

[There’s still a constant alarm in the background, but it’s less faint now]

Mike: Jesus, I’ve never seen it so red-lit and smoke-filled in here.

Cyrus: Oh hey guys! Kinda noisy all of a sudden. Anything I can help with?

Oppenheimer: Yes, excellent. [muttering] “Anything I can help with”… Seriously.

Mike: Hi Cyrus, uh, we’ve got a bit of a problem that we need to rectify at the server room so…

Cyrus: Mike, Mike, I understand. you’ve got your priorities right now, I get it. You don’t need tot make time out of your busy schedule to set my mind at ease, that’s on me. I shouldn’t be putting that on you—

Mike: Uh, good, good. That’s great, Cyrus, I appreciate it.

Cyrus: Stuck in a wall or not, I understand how difficult it can be dealing with what life throws at you.

Mike: Great.

Cyrus: I used to fret about being late for things, the hustle and bustle of life in the city. I’d ask myself, I’m I doing enough? Have I maximized my potential? Did I tell everyone that needed to hear it that I loved them?

A.S.H. Le: Hull breached. Alien entity has morphed its shape and entered the bunker.

Mike: Cyrus—

Cyrus: I’d be in the supermarket, just doing a thing everyone has to do, but I’d be think about the fifty places I should be at the same moment. Multitask, multitask! Never appreciate—

Mike: I know exactly what you’re saying, let’s continue this at a later—

Cyrus: Of course, I don’t have any of those conflicts now. Fused to the wall, hopelessly immobile.

Mike: Okay, that’s my cue!

Cyrus: Look, trust me, I get it, godspeed. I envy you in a way!

[Alarm gets faint again]

Oppenheimer: Took you long enough, Michael. I told you about that man in the hall, quite the talker. Can’t give him a minute or you’ll be there all day. Anyway, come here. This terminal should do the job. Here’s the link, [typing sounds] and here we are loading and… Hm. Strange minimalistic design on their homepage, I can’t seem to locate the purchase.

Mike: That says “404 page not found”. Is there even such a thing as the internet out here?

Oppenheimer: Damn. Apparently not. Interesting, it’s been said the internet could survive a nuclear war what with all its redundant routes— mesh digital and analog conduits— but a single blast from the hadron canon seems to have put it on ice. Looks like the multiverse wasn’t the only casualty of the grim flame of my genius.

Mike: [clears throat] Professor, I’m as big a fan of irony and hubris as the next guy, but uh…

Oppenheimer: I’m going to try to reset A.S.H. Le and get her back online at least. Let’s see, um… Ah! There we go. A.S.H. Le? [typing sounds]

A.S.H. Le: I am here, professor. Would you like me to further research the merits of frugality for you?

Oppenheimer: I see, your programmers hobbled the defensive capabilities in their lite edition but had the foresight to make sure the sarcastic humour component was fully functional? What I wouldn’t give to shake their sweaty little hands right at this—

[pause]

Cyrus: Hey fellas?

Mike & Oppenheimer: Yeah?

Cyrus: There’s a guy here. In the hallway. With me.

Mike & Oppenheimer: Oh yeah?

Cyrus: Yeah. He’s just sort of… glaring at me.

Oppenheimer: Cyrus, try not to make eye contact.

Mike: Yeah, you don’t wanna be rude. [Cyrus’ muffled voice speaks in the background] We need to get out of here and, I don’t know, escape to the rift.

Oppenheimer: Every cell in my body seems to burn with the knowledge that we cannot escape this entity’s whim.

[Cyrus continues to have a muffled conversation with the creature]

Cyrus: Hey guys?

Mike & Oppenheimer: Yeah?

Cyrus: He’s done talking.

Oppenheimer: A.S.H. Le! Activate all bunker screens and play the tapes!

A.S.H. Le: [sighs] Rewinding.

Mike: No way.

Oppenheimer: To hell with hat A.S.H. Le, play it now!

A.S.H. Le: Tape rewound. Playing.

[Rift sound effect]

[Instrumental music plays]

Narrator: Tepid Fall to Derbiton Gallow.

[music fades out. Sounds of raindrops and a crackling fire play under the conversation]

Unnamed British Guy: Everything in order then?

Clancy Havenpush: It would appear so.

Unnamed British Guy: I trust Mrs. Sharpshire was helpful in getting your arrangements completed this morning?

Clancy Havenpush: That she was.

Unnamed British Guy: Splendid.

Clancy Havenpush: Her uncanny heart and candid nature are somewhat unexpected in these ghastly times, though no less appreciated.

Unnamed British Guy: [sighs] I long for the halcyon days…

Clancy Havenpush: As do I.

Unnamed British Guy: I’ll be sure to deliver your kind words.

Clancy Havenpush: See to it that you do.

Unnamed British Guy: Of course, my word is as good as my bond.

Clancy Havenpush: Lovely.

[pause]

Unnamed British Guy: And so… it has come to pass.

Clancy Havenpush: Victoria?

Unnamed British Guy: I’m afraid so.

Clancy Havenpush: Damn.

Unnamed British Guy: Indeed.

Clancy Havenpush: And… Emma as well, I presume.

Unnamed British Guy: Alas. [pause] I hear tell of delays on the roads to Derbiton, you’d do well to seek an alternate route.

Clancy Havenpush: One might suggest you do the same, perhaps… less Derbiton and more so the geography of the human soul.

Unnamed British Guy: A penny for your thoughts.

Clancy Havenpush: You can keep your beleaguered charity.

Unnamed British Guy: Monstrous cad!

[pause]

Clancy Havenpush: Well then, I suppose I’ll be off.

Unnamed British Guy: Will you?

Clancy Havenpush: Won’t I?

Unnamed British Guy: Would it surprise you were I to say you were?

Clancy Havenpush: My word is as good as—

Unnamed British Guy: I hear tell of candlelit whispers in the night to the contrary.

Clancy Havenpush: Feind!

Unnamed British Guy: Listen hear, old boy, I dare say—

Clancy Havenpush: You daren’t!

Unnamed British Guy: Now look here, look here now! Do I detect a hint of resentment in your tone?

Clancy Havenpush: Your senses do not fail you.

Unnamed British Guy: You are Percy Clavenook of Torpenville Hallow, are you not?

Clancy Havenpush: Heavens no, the name is Clancy Havenpush of Hyperpudding Vale.

Unnamed British Guy: Sir, you must forgive me for this, my most grievous of errors. How thoughtless of me. Never have I known the depths of such shame. Were I in the possession of a sword I would surely fall upon it with quickness.

Clancy Havenpush: Uh, think nothing of it, noble innskeep.

Unnamed British Guy: Oh, I-I don’t work here.

[Instrumental music plays again]

Narrator: On the next Tepid Fall to Derbiton Gallows

[Poor piano playing while a woman sings the word “la” a lot]

Posh Woman: You frightful cow.

[The singing woman cries]

[Rift sound effect]

[Ambient crowd noise in the background]

Gary's Friend: Hey Gary, you see that game last night?

Gary: Uh, which one?

Gary's Friend: Seriously, the big one, World Series.

Gary: Oh, that. What I don’t understand is, how can they call it The World Series if only one county is in it.

Gary's Friend: Hmmmm, never really thought of that, hell of a game though.

Gary: How come? Did they use something besides bats this time?

Gary's Friend: No, but— Hey, that reminds me of a joke! This guy goes to the doctor, he says—

Gary: The doctor! Is he okay?

Gary’s Friend: Well, he’s… Lemme just—

Gary: Recent trauma or some ongoing issue?

Gary’s Friend: It’s ongoing, I guess. So he says, doctor I think my wife’s cheating on me!

Gary: He’s telling this to a general practitioner? Bad move. He should really be seeing a licensed therapist.

Gary’s Friend: Sure, but he’s just—

Gary: Preferably one with a focus on couple’s counselling and/or marriage therapy.

Gary’s Friend: Anyways, the doctor says, what makes you say that? So the guy—

Gary: Woah, woah. “What makes you say that?” What kind of professional response is that? This doctor is suspect.

Gary’s Friend: Suspect? Of what, he just walked in.

Gary: No bedside manner, no “hello sir or madam”, right to the deflective question of the obviously sensitive subject. That’s grounds for a complaint to the board.

Gary’s Friend: Yeah, but—

Gary: Or at least, throw something up on Yelp.

Gary’s Friend: Okay, let’s switch gears. How about… Okay, knock knock.

Gary: Uh… Who’s there?

Gary’s Friend: Your parole officer. [sound of Gary’s running footsteps] Gary, Wait!

[Soft instrumental music plays]

Hume Vanguard: Do you often find yourself the only one at a table not laughing at a joke or humorous anecdote? Do you often find yourself using the phrases “I don’t get it” or “it’s just not my thing”? Are you compelled to type these statements in online comments sections? Have you ever lost a friendship by uttering the phrase “look I get it, I just don’t think it’s funny”? Hello, I’m Hume Vanguard and I’d like to talk to you about the Literal Institute. Everyday, millions of Americans slog through their day with an acute non-awareness of sarcasm, satire, and dry wit. Some severe cases live their lives with no concept of irony whatsoever. The Literal Institute can help. We’ll start you off with an intense introduction to the foundations of humour, trained by a team of professional instructors, all currently active college comics.

[music stops]

College Comic 1: So my boss chews me out for being fifteen minutes late last week. I could tell he was having a bad day, so I didn’t tell him I was sleeping with his wife. [pause] Just kiddin’.

[crowd laughs]

College Comic 2: Oh man, I hate waiting in lines, anyone know what I’m talking about? Lines are the worst. Sometimes I just wanna get to the back of the line and scream, “he’s got a gun!” at the top of my lungs and watch the cattle disperse. [pause] I would of course, never actually do such a thing, I’m just entertaining the fantasy of it to illustrate the level of disconnectedness and frustration I’ve endured. [crowd laughs] Also I don’t think people are the same as cows.

[music returns]

Hume Vanguard: It doesn’t matter if you don’t know your coward from your Howard, after our program you’ll be out there trading barbs with the best of them.

[music stops]

Gary’s Friend: So the doctor says, “I’m sorry Mr. Falcon, you have cancer AND Alzheimers”. After a long pause Mr. Falcon replies, “well, at least I don’t have cancer”.

Gary: Jesus, what a terrible affliction…

Gary’s Friend: What’s that?

Gary: I mean, ah ha ha! Hilarious! That was a hilarious joke!

Gary’s Friend: Told ya.

Gary: Knock knock.

Gary’s Friend: Who’s there?

Gary: Comic lucidity. Thanks, Literal Institute.

Hume Vanguard: Call today. Literally.

[Rift sound effect]

[Faint alarm in background]

Mike: Good call on those tapes.

Oppenheimer: Yes, it certainly afforded us the opportunity to abscond from the server room undetected.

Mike: I feel much safer in this… doored storage alcove.

Oppenheimer: Yes, but I feel like the word safe can be no longer used to describe our collective futures, or lack thereof. We may have run out of options, Michael. I’ve been running calculations and possible scenarios for the past hour and I feel like I’m just staring at a blank chalkboard, dark and foreboding to the psyche. Maybe with just the teacher’s name, toward the right… Mr. Oppenheimer. A small suggested summer reading list below.

Mike: Just try to relax, professor, we’ve bought some time. You may get an eraser or two chucked at your head yet. It’s funny you mentioned school though. If I were the person I was as a kid I would probably be praying my ass off right now.

Oppenheimer: Michael, as you know, I am a man of science, however, I am unwilling to leave any stone unturned in our quest for survival. Tell me more of this… praying.

Mike: You’ve never heard of it?

Oppenheimer: No, but colour me curious as a cat. Lay it on me my formerly God fearing friend.

Mike: Okay… well. First I suppose you’d have to kinda pick a god to pray to?

Oppenheimer: Interesting. There’s more than one then?

Mike: Well, uh, it depends on… Well, there’s different pantheons…

Oppenheimer: Which is the most… powerful I suppose would be the next obvious query.

Mike: Well, uh, they’re all supposed to be, you know, sort of all powerful in a way.

Oppenheimer: Come now. There must there some sort of data collected on these gods that would allow us to logically rate them on a power scale. A.S.H. Le, search your databases for all references to the various pantheons of history.

A.S.H. Le: Should I filter out those that exist only in fiction?

Mike: That’s a loaded question.

Oppenheimer: No, gather all the data please.

A.S.H. Le: Computing. Completed.

Oppenheimer: Now, parse and arrange the data, ranking them based on direct involvement with he mortal worlds and conflict resolution.

A.S.H. Le: Completed.

Mike: That was fast.

A.S.H. Le: Thank you, Mike.

Oppenheimer: Which pantheons are at the top?

A.S.H. Le: There is one clear frontrunner.

Oppenheimer: Really? Which one?

A.S.H. Le: The Norse mythology.

Mike: That makes sense.

Oppenheimer: Okay, what’s next? What would the pure, naïve, child-like Michael do?

Mike: Well, after pissing himself, he’d as humbly as possible invoke the favour of the gods through a heartfelt plea.

Oppenheimer: Curious. Not exactly my strong suit, but well— here goes nothing.

Mike: Not a good start.

[Oppenheimer starts to make muttering singing noises. It does not resemble prayer.]

Mike: And not sure what that’s all about.

Oppenheimer: Lord of the Norse sky, hear me, your most humble and notably gifted skeptic. I call upon thee to aid us, if able and existent, in this our most dire hour of need. I am a man of science, previously the idea of direct communication with you would be met with scoff and distain, but today, before you is a desperate man. A man defeated, a man who see a universe without him in it. And I weep, for not only that incredible man, but for that universe. Such potential for change and advancement squandered on the whimsical mechanics of chaos. An agent of that chaos threatens that potential and I ask, I pray, that you in your probable but not verified wisdom— and grace— send a capable agent of hope in this, our darkest hour. Sincerely, Dr. Francis “Oppenheimer” Valdini.

Mike: Well that was something.

[long pause]

Oppenheimer: Well, clearly a failed experiment. We’re doomed.

Mike: Professor, we-we’ve only just started, there’s gotta be something. W— There’s so many things we were gonna do, to see.

Oppenheimer: Yes. Yes, there were. My beloved Esmerelda only 2.5 trillion fragments away from reconstitution, the rift so close to being healed, but alas. Michael, I know it to be the foolish notion of a hopeless man to ask, but I would… I would ask that you… To please forgive…

[Thunder clap]

Thor: We meet again, bub.

Cthulhu: You. How did you find me?

Thor: Let’s just say that a bad penny by any other name is still a bad penny, old scratch. Or, shall I refer to thee as The Deceiver. Oh, heh, how about Beleisle, Panzuzu, Araman, Apollyon, Beelzebub, Shy-tan, Abadan!

Cthulhu: Ah! And your name hangs on my tongue like a bolus of foul sputum that can never be expelled. Thor, God of Thunder, Asabrag, Dorin, The Intercessor, The Archangel Triton, The Metal Avenger, Vethor, Superpresident, The Rock Warrior.

Thor: Your many names mask the same snake, Asmodius! Or perhaps better known in these realms as Bathamut, Leviathan, Cthulhu, The Indescribable One.

Mike: Ehn, pretty describable.

Oppenheimer: Shh.

Mike: Hey, how long do you think this part with go on?

Oppenheimer: Hard to say, clearly these two have a history.

Mike: I’m going to go see if I can hurry this along.

Oppenheimer: Do you think that wise, Michael?

Mike: Nope. [clears throat] Hey guys, sorry to interrupt.

Oppenheimer: Yes, forgive our intrusion.

Cthulhu: Who dares?

Mike: I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that, uh, and I think I can speak for both of us…

Oppenheimer: Of course.

Mike: I just wanted to say that we are… impressed beyond believe and the number of monikers you’ve both managed to amassed over the years.

Oppenheimer: Most impressive. Most impressive.

Mike: And well, just as a personal aside and only because you folk may not know this, but I’ve slogged through life so far with just one name. A fairly common one at that, and the professor here—

Oppenheimer: Well, truth be told, I have quite a few myself, but that list pales in comparison to the inordinate amount of influence you both must possess in order to receive such a cornucopia of titles.

Thor: Your reverence is well received, mortals! It warms the heart of Thor. A heart buried deep beneath the eldritch armour and layers upon layers of equally impenetrable muscle.

Mike: Well, we couldn’t just stay in the next room with all this going on an remain silent.

Oppenheimer: We were compelled to say something.

Thor: And what say you, Serpent of Old? Wordless in the face of such exalted praise, Foul Betrayer? ’Tis rude of you.

Cthulhu: Insolence!

Oppenheimer: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. Although most appreciated, we are not fishing for reciprocal compliments here.

Mike: And we’re certainly not interested in complicating what is clearly an extend period of unresolved conflict between the two of you, it’s been a while hasn’t it?

Cthulhu: Eons.

Oppenheimer: Eons! That’s barely even a measurement of recognized time. Both Michael and I have had a rough road over these past few years, but eons! That cannot be easy.

Cthulhu: Yes.

Thor: Aye, perhaps before time itself. Battle after battle. So much lost in the fog of it.

Mike: Okay, well, we’ve said our piece. Uh, hopefully we’ve established ourselves as a safe place for you to, you know, unload some of that burden, even for a little while.

Oppenheimer: Perhaps even shed some light on some past transgressions to let the steam out a bit.

Thor: There you go, old scratch, you relish the destructive display of evaporation.

Cthulhu: This is true.

Mike: See? We understand you.

Oppenheimer: We understand.

Thor: What brought you here to this… this…

Oppenheimer: Interdimensional bunker.

Mike: It’s a lot like a spaceship building.

Thor: Yes, what brought you to this spaceship building?

Cthulhu: This mindless prattle has clouded you minds, fools! Is it not obvious?

Mike: Hey, we wouldn’t have asked if we didn’t want to hear what you have to say.

Thor: Aye, what is your purpose here, my oldest of adversaries?

Cthulhu: I am here to consume the souls of these mortals, these two Chatty Cathys. And I intended to do so regardless of the temporary sympathy plateau we’ve cultivated, but now I can see that you have duped me again, that these two are but shadows. No humans could be so vapid, so touchy-feely. Well played, God of Thunder.

Thor: Actually, Foul One, they’re real.

Cthulhu: Really?

Oppenheimer: Full disclosure, our intervention hear this evening is dual-purposed. The first has already been accomplished.

Mike: And thanks for sharing your honesty with us, i-it goes a long way. Even if it doesn’t seem so right at this moment.

Cthulhu: And what is the second purpose of your pitiful intentions?

Oppenheimer: Distraction. A.S.H. Le!

A.S.H. Le: Deploying liquid nitrogen jets.

[Whoosh sound. Cthulhu screams]

Thor: Nicely done, mortals, now it’s time for me to do what I do best. Let’s tune our weapons!

[Rock music starts, Cthulhu makes the occasional guttural noise]

Oppenheimer: Mother of invention, this is quite a sight! It appears that Thor has transformed into a shirtless titan. A radically different appearance, but no less imposing.

Mike: No doubt about that, professor. And look, the creature has transformed as well.

Oppenheimer: Yes, what a hideous sight. A curious design to choose in this particular instance.

Mike: Yeah, sort of a stick-thin nightmare with elongated proportions.

Oppenheimer: Almost insectoid in form and structure, pained movement, limited articulation.

Mike: Not sure if he even has legs, just kinda bobbing back and forth.

Cthulhu: Minions, attend me!

Oppenheimer: Curious choice indeed. And what’s this?

Mike: He’s summoned a bunch of small starfish looking things, they kind of look like hand puppets.

Oppenheimer: Now, Michael. why would a creature possessed with this kind of immense power conjure a series of benign children’s toys? For the sake of comic relief? Trust me, these are dangerous entities. Even though we can’t see their legs either.

Mike: Yeah, they seem ambulatory— Oh, look out! One of them has a switch blade.

Oppenheimer: My God, and that one is smoking!

Mike: Oh crap, these non-puppet things just flew through the air and stuck to Thor’s chest.

Oppenheimer: He’s having quite a struggle with them, it almost looks as though he’s intentionally holding them against himself.

Mike: That’s just crazy talk, professor. Should we help?

Thor: Stay back, mortals. I will prevail! These minions of the underworld are as deadly as they appear.

A.S.H. Le: So… not that deadly?

Oppenheimer: Look, he’s destroyed the minions! Now he’s locked in combat with the creature itself!

Mike: Like a strange, in-air, double arm wrestling competition.

Oppenheimer: Awesome indeed, Michael. Perhaps, awesome incarnate.

[Music crescendos, then stops. Faint dying wail from Cthulhu]

Thor: It it done. The fiend is gone… for now.

Oppenheimer: Sir, I-I don’t know how to thank— You saved my bunker… You— You saved us…

Thor: Ah, don’t mention it pal. Just a typical Thursday night for me.

Oppenheimer: Oh, uh, typical you say?

Thor: Yeah, get it? Thursday, Thor’s day, the name’s Thor!

Oppenheimer: Oh I see, heh, a bit of comedic wordplay, yes. I’m afraid I’m a bit myopic when it comes to any form of humour that doesn’t involve sarcasm.

Mike: Just checked on Cyrus, he’s fine. Woah, wait a minute! I know who this is.

Oppenheimer: Of course, Michael, just because he changed back into his earthly garb does mean—

Mike: This is Jon Mikl Thor.

Thor: In the flesh, bub.

Oppenheimer: Ah, yes, of course. I must have been a little woozy from all the sulphur. The legendary Jon Mikl Thor is here!

[pause]

Mike, Oppenheimer, & A.S.H. Le: Welcome!

Thor: Happy to be here. And to pull your butts out of the fire. Literally.

Oppenheimer: Please, have a seat on the couch. I think we’re out of chairs.

[Rift sound effect]

Oppenheimer: Thank you so much for being here, Thor. What is your preferred method of destroying your enemies.

Thor: I use mind-control. Everyone thinks that I just use my muscularity and strength, but actually I have a superior brain.

Oppenheimer: So you’re able to get inside their heads?

Thor: Yes, I have a special vision where I can inspect the brain and see what they are thinking, and I can be one step ahead.

Oppenheimer: Ah, mental manipulation and mind control, wonderful!

Thor: Yes, manipulate them and then give ‘em a judo chop in the neck, and then I grab their arm, twist it to their behind— not in their behind, but to the behind of the back— and they’re on their knees. That’s how I deal with them.

Oppenheimer: Jon, what was the first moment that you identified with the thunder god? What was the first moment onstage as Thor like

Thor: The very first moment onstage was a… very thunderous moment. I could hear the thunder and I could see the lightening. And I was being electrocuted at the time, as I stepped on a live wire and on a live flash pod. So, uh, that was my first, uh… uh, feeling of the god of thunder. [Oppenheimer chuckles] However, to get— seriously, I had just a, uh, incredible moment of… I was trying to develop the character of Thor and it was one of my favourite mythological gods— and, uh, also I’m a big fan of Superman— and I wanted to put both together and come up onstage and play heavy rock music. ‘Cause I used to train to Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath, and all the heavy metal bands. Did you know that “Helter Skelter” was the very first metal song? By the Beatles. I used to train to that as well. And, uh, and then I got pumped up and I wanted to do it all onstage. Meld muscle and music together.

Oppenheimer: What was your favourite TV show as a child?

Thor: Besides The Adventures of Superman, it was the Lone Ranger!

Oppenheimer: Ah, yes.

Thor: Yeah, with Clayton Moore. Remember Clayton Moore?

Oppenheimer: I can see that in John Triton— a-a man who comes into town to clean things up.

Thor: That’s right, that’s right. You know all my influences and secrets.

Oppenheimer: And now we can watch Rock and Roll Nightmare with new eyes.

Thor: [chuckles] Yes.

Oppenheimer: Speaking of Rock and Roll Nightmare, why-why do you think that Rock and Roll Nightmare has become such a huge cult phenomenon with so many fans?

Thor: I absolutely have no idea. Seriously, I [laughs] I, uh, i-it leaves me scratching my head at times. Um, I-I just think that it’s one of those things where y’know, John Fasano and I were two young guys… You know, we just, uh— well he was younger than I was [laughs], I was rockin’ and rollin’ for a while at that time, an-and touring all over the world. And we had done Zombie Nightmare together and I did the soundtrack as well. And, you know, that was with Tia Carrere and Adam West— the original Batman. Uh, and the-then we wanted to do this movie together, an-and do some other ones as well, an-and our idea was “hey, can we just make a movie that could get distributed”. Y’know, we didn’t want just a movie that our— that we’d have in the basement where, you know, your mom and dad would watch and have the friends over, that sort of thing. We wanted a movie that could get distributed. And so that’s all our plan was. We had no idea that it would continue on, over the years and have this cult following and new generations of fans, for that matter. That was unfathomable. That… that… Well, that’d be amazing. So here we are, in 2013, I have just, you know, appeared on a tour, and I can’t believe the fans of… of, uh you know, this— this movie and, uh, if I look at it, I just think it’s… it’s that story, right? Of, y’know, why is The Man of Steel— well, of course, bigger budget and everything— why is the Man of Steel so popular, or why are superheroes popular? You know, Triton was a superhero, really, he was like Hercules, uh, you know, he was, y’know, sent from above to do a job on Earth, y’know? Let’s clean up, y’know? Do a job and— And I think there were some… some cool twists, and I think also, the music speaks for itself. I believe the music that was written—[coughs] Excuse me, but I have to take a little, uh… [Oppenheimer laughs] kudos here. [laughs] But the… [laughs] I thought the music was… It’s good music, right? It’s good rockin’ music, you know, for that time…

Oppenheimer: Totally.

Thor: And people still like it today. They— they keep going on about energy… and “we live to rock” and all these, uh… “We Accept the Challenge”… They stand up today.

Oppenheimer: And if I could add, one of the things that we find most compelling about your work— Rock and Roll Nightmare and all of your projects, really— is the amount of energy that you bring to it, uh, the… the fun you seem to be having and the passion with which you apply yourself. You are an entertainer, and it’s obvious that with you, entertainment comes first.

Thor: Well, that’s why I say to the crowd, uh, yeah, “you give me energy” because the energy I get from the crowd is… is… is beyond any kind of high I could get from anything else. it really is a high and and you can really feel it up there and… and i-it’s something that’s, uh, one of the most amazing feelings a human being could anger have. An-and it’s— That’s— Hey, why is Paul McCartney out there, you know, at 71 years old, entertaining the crowds? He loves it, I mean, there— He’s on bigger scale, of course, but you have to admire, uh, you know the-the guy… Hey, you know, most of the guys touring right now are over sixty. Y’know, they’re all touring out there, KISS loves it… I mean, y-you can’t escape it. Uh, y’know, “we live to rock”.

Oppenheimer: Yes! So what have the crowds been like?

Thor: Oh, uh, we… we had five thousand in, uh, in Florida. Um… In, um, in Europe we had, uh, a crowd of twenty thousand, um… S-so, y’know, i-it varies in the different regions we go to, y’know. But, uh, y’know, we, uh, we played— I have played in front of a hundred thousand and that was, uh, at a large festival in Europe. Back in… in the eighties, but, you know, most of the stuff, like, twenty thousand, you know, is recently.

Oppenheimer: It seems like there’s a lot more younger fans now who seem to be getting into that classic, uh… hard rock, power metal sort of sound. Uh, many more than perhaps even as recently as twenty years ago. Have you noticed that?

Thor: I absolutely— Yeah, I feel that, and, you know, with the social network., uh, and the internet, everything… it’s made the world smaller and everybody joins together an-and we have so many fans that contact us from Brazil, from Japan… Places, you know, that we’ve never been to a-at all, uh, before. But, you know, we ha— We’ve found out there’s so many legions of fans, um, you know, like in Germany and of course, you know, we’ve played in Sweden and Finland and all those places— and England. But there’s such a big world out there, a big universe. We are warriors of the universe and, uh, were ready t-to get out there at some point animate all these people. Uh, next year we do have plans to do some shows in New York, Boston, Washington, and, uh, uh, you know, we have a new album that will be coming out. Uh, there’s some, uh… uh… Well, special secrets, I guess, uh, that have not been revealed yet, but they will be unfurled to the world, uh… very, very soon. About I will say, maybe possibly a box set that’ll be coming out on, uh, on a major label, uh next year, that’s one. And, uh, also we got, uh, out of Europe, a single that’s coming out and another album. So we got plenty of products, are you confused already? But uh, you know, heh, I’m confused at times.

Oppenheimer: It’s a good kind of confusion. Where can the denizens of the various timelines go to find out more about your current projects and…

Thor: Yeah, yeah, thorcentral.com, metalavengers, uh, dot com, which is out of Europe. So, uh, you got the North American, uh, headquarters, and the European headquarters. And of course, uh, Facebook, Jon Mikl Thor on Facebook, y’know you can get, uh, updates, uh on there.

Oppenheimer: I have two more questions for you, Jon. Uh, you’ve been a champion bodybuilder, a rockstar, a filmmaker, actor, writer, and an entrepreneur with your throwback classic NHL jerseys. You’ve even been in comic books, uh, including that new Retro Tales comic. Is there anything that you’ve not yet attempted or accomplished, but would like to?

Thor: Oh, uh, I’d like to have a great golf game or an under three hundred bowling… y’know… [Oppenheimer laughs] There’s a few things there.

Oppenheimer: We need to bowl next time you come to the bunker, right Michael?

Thor: Yeah, absolutely.

Oppenheimer: Excellant.

Thor: I, uh… I’d like to… Like I said, I like to get a pretty good— I like to get the perfect game.

Oppenheimer: Yes, of course as do we.

Thor: That would be great.

Oppenheimer: One more question for you, Jon. What would you consider to be the most important lesson that you’ve learned in your time here amongst us mortals.

Thor: I would say, to… to be humble, you know? To appreciate what you have, appreciate life, appreciate the scenery. Do not be an egomaniac. I’ve dealt with many egomaniacs out there, and at times I may portray one here and there, but really, I’m a pretty humble guy because I’ve learned to be humble. You know, it’s like, uh, you gotta, you know, enjoy life to its max and, uh, appreciate nature, etc., etc. There’s, uh, you know, you can work yourself to death pretty much and just be focused on one thing, uh, for example music. You know, some guys are just “hey, I just wanna write the next one, the next big record” or, “I just wanna”— But, you know what? There’s other things out there that are wonderful, like bowling.

Oppenheimer: [laughs] Right, of course.

Thor: So enjoy!

Oppenheimer: Jon Mikl Thor, you are the best, thank you so much for talking with us.

Thor: Hey man, I appreciate it. Thank you so much for having me on the show, I really appreciate that. Look forward to seeing you guys again soon.

[Rift sound effect]

Thor: Well guys, it’s time I got out of here. Lots of other worlds to save. And I must have a ton of dishes to wash by now.

Mike: We can’t thank you enough, man, thanks for everything.

Oppenheimer: Yes, you truly saved the day, I imagine, on of many days saved.

Thor: Don’t mention it.

A.S.H. Le: Now, professor?

Oppenheimer: Absolutely not.

Mike: What’s up?

Oppenheimer: Oh, nothing, she just wanted to play some ending credits music for a silly video game.

A.S.H. Le: He just doesn’t get it.

Thor: Which game? Portal?

A.S.H. Le: Why… yes, actually.

Thor: Great idea, that would have really fit well.

A.S.H Le: Swoon.

Thor: Okay, so, uh… I guess I’m leaving now. [coughs] Hey, guy, don’t you have something for me?

Mike: Wha… Who, me?

Thor: Yeah, man. Keys?

Mike: Wha— Oh! Oh…

Oppenheimer: The van you found on the People Candy World, that’s—

Thor: My van, man. [sound of keys being handed over] Rock and roll! [van beeps] Gentlemen.

Song: Energy takes me where I want to be And you’re where I wanna be Girl you give me

[Van tyres screech]

Mike: Don’t call it people candy.

Oppenheimer: People candy, Michael. You were almost eating people candy.

[“Energy” by Jon Mikl Tho starts playing]

Credits: Hadron Gospel Hour is produced by Richard Wentworth and Michael McQuilkin, production assistance from Katy Falvey and Rebekah White. Special thanks to Jon Mikl Thor, Tim Conway, Bob Wilson, Scott Woolard and Barrelhouse Sound, Kris Paukstys, Tim Gleason, and Don and Eric Schulze. Download, rate, and review episodes of Hadron Gospel Hour at iTunes and Stitcher. And Listen to episodes any time at hadrongospelhour.com.

[“Energy” plays the episode out]

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