#like. i have autism. i don't know how my tone comes off but i wasn't purposely being malicious??????????? at all??? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sigridstumb · 11 months

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Unmasking makes me an asshole, though.

The more I think about my autism, the more I think I don't have an actual personality.

Hear me out, this one is complicated.

And I am ABSOLUTELY NOT speaking for All Autistic People, so if this doesn't sound like your experience, cool! No worries! Have your own autism, I understand that it comes in a huge variety of flavors!

I learned as a very young child that what I said and did was Weird and Wrong. So as a very young child -- four or five years old -- I started copying people. I copied other kids, I copied adults, I copied characters in books most of all. This method was hideously flawed, and I was frequently called out for copying people. But sometimes it worked. Sometimes I had social interactions and people responded positively to me. Over time, over elementary school, I slowly learned ways of behaving that made me less visible. That made me blend in.

By the time I was fourteen, I wasn't getting beaten by other kids anymore! It was this miraculous thing, this ability to slide through social worlds and pass as almost like everyone else. I loved it.

In high school I began experimenting with it more. I could act differently around different people! I could talk one way to one friend, and they really liked what I said and they responded very positively, and I could speak in a different way to another person and they responded positively to that! It was only weird and strained if I was in a situation where BOTH of those people were present. Then they each thought I was a weird fake liar, because why did I act like THAT? What did I REALLY think and feel? When was I lying, and to whom?

Everyone. I was lying to everyone.

No-one. I was lying to no-one.

I had Goals. Social goals. 1) Not be hit, kicked, spat on, tripped, or shoved. 2) Not have adults angry with me. 3) Not have anyone know that I was an alien mutant waiting for my superpower to kick in. 4) Have sparkly interesting people like me and think I was funny and kind.

I watched people. I listened. I practiced facial expressions in the mirror. I read a LOT of comics, because in comics characters perform actions while thinking about their motivations, and I could see what facial expression and body language they used to convey or hide what they thought and felt. I played AD&D, and tried out different voices - vocal tones, accents, pitches, etc. I learned what the people I found interesting liked, wanted, thought, and felt. I gave them what they wanted, and in return they wanted me around.

This worked so well, most of the time, that I continued doing it until about two years ago. Three decades, more or less, I did this.

When was I lying? And to whom?

Constantly, to myself.

I do not know how to turn the people-suit off. Now that I understand and know what I am doing, I don't know how to stop. Or, rather, I can absolutely stop! And then my closest relationships get damaged. There's this whole "everyone should be able to unmask!" thing going on, and I get it, I truly do, but if I completely stop masking I AM A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

I don't want to be an asshole. I care about people, at least a handful of them. Maybe twenty, total. I don't want to hurt them. So I run scripts literally all the time, in every interaction, I run scripts between what I think and what I say because my first responses DO NOT SUPPORT MY LONG-TERM GOALS.

When someone I care about wants to tell me about something they are interested in, my first thought is almost always "why are you telling me this? I don't care about this." But I care about the PERSON, so I run one of the five or so "I am interested in this conversation" scripts. When someone I care about has something bad happen to them, my first thoughts are usually either to say something I think is funny about the bad situation or to say nothing because there is nothing I can do about the bad situation. But because I care about the PERSON, I run scripts of either sympathy or problem-solving, or both.

I don't think this is lying to people. My long-term social goals are to have these people in my life. There are tasks I must accomplish on a regular basis to maintain relationships. Tasks like maintaining facial expressions, correct vocal tones, and proper scripts.

But I think I am lying to myself, in some odd way. Or, rather, I don't know what I would want or how I would act in my life if I did not have relationships. I don't know what my personality would be were I not performing the Sigrid-people-suit in literally every interaction. I don't know, because every time I get close to not performing the people-suit, people I care about are hurt by my words and actions.

In the meantime, I think about it and I talk about it with my partner, and we have come up with ways to manage my unmasking a little bit. It's challenging, and hurtful to both of us sometimes. (I learned last week that apparently there is no neutral register of acknowledging other person's statement of fact, and that if I do not make my acknowledgment sound positive, it sounds negative and mean. I truly believe and intend a neutral "I heard your statement," but this is not an area in which unmasking works for my relationships.) But we are working through it together.

#actuallyautistic #autistic #alexithymia #mirroring

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fortunatetragedy · 9 days

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wip excerpt time

Poking Khalid with reminders he's a literal child in this arc is funny to me and I have to get it out of my system bc next chapter the setting-appropriate violence kicks in.

Today Tumblr I have for you 600 first draft words where Khalid is getting ready to go on an assignment with his new cabal/research team in "A Living Machine" and straight up not having a good time.

Also Cayden accidentally foreshadowed "Among the Elements" and I howled.

I want to look over everyone's shoulders at their wips so I'm tagging. Give me however much you want. If you're out of words, send giraffe pictures. Khalid likes giraffes.

@aintgonnatakethis @autism-purgatory @byronicbi @cowboybrunch

@deanwax @minamaybe @noblebs @words-after-midnight

The storage facility was independently owned, and had been, according to Thiago's information retrieval, since the early 2030s. If an actual human being still ran the establishment, their name wouldn't be available without digging deep enough to risk a Technocratic Union daemon catching them. Anything they did, they had to do with purpose, and they had to do with speed. "We don't have time to fuck around," Luz said, tying her duo-toned hair back into a bun. "Thiago, I want you to stay with the van and make sure nobody tries to come in after us." "No problem," said Thiago. He unwrapped a lollipop as he spoke. "You know I don't want to be out here any longer than I have to be." "None of us do," Marisa grumbled. "These masks will filter out any particulate matter in the air but it isn't going to do anything about the radiation. If your counters start to go off, I don't want to hear any arguing." Khalid must have had about twenty pounds of equipment on his eighty-five-pound frame. He did not complain, but his face registered the effort of remaining upright under the weight of what they asked him to carry. "I don't need all this stuff," he said, "I have my own equipment." "We need some of that stuff," Luz said. "And unless you have combat training I'm unaware of--" "I have a forcefield." They couldn't help it. At least, Luz couldn't. Luz burst into laughter that she cut back before she could get rolling. Cayden looked uncomfortable, Marisa was bored, and Khalid wasn't able to discern the expression on Thiago's face. Sat cross-legged in the back of the vehicle, its innards emptied of seats so they could fit more equipment inside, the laptop's command console reflected in Thiago's glasses. He had stopped paying attention to what was happening inside the van. "Khalid," Marisa said, patient, because she could tell he was about ready to leave the van and complete the damned assignment himself, "honey, you need a resonance dampener. If they're able to detect recent Experimentation, you are..." "You're practically glowing," Cayden said with a laugh. Not unkindly. "Ah," Khalid said. Great. Much like the others, Khalid had been quite busy this evening. Unlike the others, he had been alone when the Storyteller came to collect him. Deep in study, thinking about the future. Must have forgotten to run himself through the scrubber before he left again. He didn't leave the dormitory very often. He remained quiet for long enough that even Luz noticed. "What's wrong, Khalid?" she asked. "Did I hurt your feelings?" "No," he said, frowning, "I have finals next week, and instead of studying for them, I'm out here helping you. And you're belittling me." "Finals?" Marisa interrupted. "I thought you were working on your dissertation." "Yes, well, I am, but the Chair of Etheric Biology offered me the opportunity to complete a second degree prior to commencement of the fall semester. As of right now, I only have the one." "You're twelve." "I know that." "What could you possibly need to study? You know everything." "No, I'm able to augment my own neurocognitive capacity with Noetic Science, which allows me to condense how much I absorb at once. All I know is that I don't know enough. I have to keep studying. That's why this is such a pain in the ass." Swearing wasn't particularly gratifying. It only seemed to make the adults want to laugh again. "Either way," Luz said, overtop her ex-wife, "Khalid, I am sorry that I belittled you. Alright? We'll make leaving your cave worthwhile." He nodded, chewing on his actual response a little longer to make sure he really had it broken down. Then he swallowed. "Alright," he agreed. "Let's go."

#wip: a living machine #c: khalid abandonato #wip excerpt

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softxsuki · 3 months

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Could I request a letter for your Valentines Day Letter Event? I would love love LOVE a letter from baji. We've been friends since middle school and we became offical when we went to the same University. (He does veterinary medicine and I do art.) I'm 20 and he's 21 (dating for a couple of years at the time of him writting ir) and well... he does call me a variety of pet names depending on his mood (just wanna be call dollface/cutie). TONE: I'm thinking about a hurt to comfort letter where I get hurt/bullied (harassed and peer pressured by bullies and idk how to response bc i thought uni wasn't the place for bullying and high school drama. Guess not 💀) and he saves me but I don't respond bc i feel week and I should have done something instead of waiting for him ro come save me and I just feel undeserving of his love and isolate myself in my dorm (we live in different dorms). Baji not being sure on what to do/not wanting to pressure me (ik he isn't like this but shhh it's for the sake of the letter) write a letter expressing how much he genuinely cares for me and loves me (without it being out of character) and that I'm not alone and I have him. Location: it takes place at uni (so he slips it through underneath the door. After I read it, he comes in and we just cuddle and watch a movie (whilst hes holding me in his strong arms. He stays the night and makes me breakfast, also he "talks" to my bullies so that when I see them again they all run away 🏃 (they want no smoke). Other information: I'm usually the more affectionate one between us and like he reciprocates (was quite shy at first but warmed up to it and how he starts it... it gets a little heated sometimes if he's jealous 😳). I hope I'm not coming off as ooc by saying this (please correct me if I am). I feel like baji is somewhat reserved in public (unless he's jealous) like the most he'll do if give me a kiss or a brief hug (maybe ruffle my hair) but like o can tell he cares. I can't proprrly articulate it but he isn't just a feral troublemaker, he's more than that (acts of service - giving me water, snacks if so I don't get hungry or thirsty/reminding me to like eat and hydrate. Also I can confinde him about anything and he won't judge me for it. Also he doesn't judge me for my autism (actually G checks and fucks up anyone who tries it) and he doesn't care if I'm stimming or pacing around and like it's just really nice to not be seen as weird. Also like he's really attentive like if I'm having a shitty day he wont just not say anything, he'll pick up on it and do his dammest to make it go away. Like giving me advice (amazing if not a bit blunt), or doing what he can. Also I sometimes draw portraits and art of him bc I love him (and my hobby is art) and even if he insists I don't need to. I always make sure to buy him gifts (new cat toys/food, veterinary resources, yskisoba and snacks, etc) bc I want to give back to him.

But yeah that's all there is to it. I hope it isn't too much. Thank you for accepting my request and letting me send this in.

I hope you have a nice day. Ur amazing.

Baji's Comforting Letter to His Girlfriend

This event is now CLOSED, but you can view the masterlist for the other letters here.

Warnings: mentions of bullying, reader feels a little insecure

Note: Happy Valentine's Day! Hope you enjoy your letter from Baji :)

Baji feels awkward standing in front of your dorm door, his letter grasped between his fingers. You had run away from him a few days ago after he helped you out upon seeing your classmates harass you. Not knowing what to say after that, he gave you your space, but you still hadn’t reached out to him at all.

Worry filled him after your silence. Were you upset with him for some reason that he didn’t immediately reach out to you? Anxiety bubbled up within him as he stood outside your dorm room. It was Valentine’s Day and while that usually meant just staying indoors and ordering takeout with you like any other date, Baji felt like he had to do something extra for you this year to cheer you up.

He wasn’t used to expressing his affection for you verbally, especially not in a letter since his handwriting was horrible and he couldn’t spell to save his life, but this is what lots of guys did for their girlfriends, right? Maybe it would help you feel better.

Swallowing his pride and brushing his embarrassment away, he slips the letter under your door and knocks a few times before rushing to hide behind a nearby wall so you wouldn’t see him.

You, busy sulking on your own in your dorm, jump slightly at the sudden knock on your door. You were embarrassed that you had run away from your boyfriend after he helped you out. Of course you were grateful for his help and having him protect you like that sent butterflies erupting in your stomach, but you had let your classmates' words get to you. You felt undeserving of Baji’s love, how could you possibly deserve his attention when you were just you?

Sighing, you stand from your bed that you were wallowing away on, and approach your door, seeing an envelope in front of it. Curiously, you pick it up and see your name written on it. You look through the peephole of your dorm door but don’t see anyone outside it, opening the door slightly just to make sure no one was there, before closing it again.

You take a seat on your bed again as you open the envelope and begin to read its contents;

Hey Dollface,

Did I scare you off the other day? Or were you embarrassed that I found out you were getting picked on? You know I don’t care about things like that, but I wish you had told me yourself so I could have helped you out sooner. Don’t worry about those idiots, they won’t bother you again, in fact, no one will bother you again, I’ve made it very clear to them that they shouldn’t mess with my girl…

I’m sorry if I upset you for not running after you and giving you space. I should have looked for you and comforted you right away. But just…don’t feel like you’re alone. We’re partners, I want to share the pain you feel and I want to know when someone is bothering you so I can sort it out quickly. I love you too much to see you throw yourself down like that. If anything, I’m the one undeserving of you.

Anyway, it’s Valentine’s Day and I heard guys write stupid letters like these or something, so here it is. I really don’t get it, but if it makes you happy then good. I love you.

From,

You know who, do I really need to say it??

You smile to yourself as you read the letter, it was so like him. Super curt, straight to the point, and probably took him forever to write out properly since the grammar and spelling were perfect. You read through the letter one more time, your eyes always stopping at his words ‘my girl’. You were his girl, despite how many times you may have thought you didn’t deserve his love, Baji would never pretend to be interested in you, he knew what he wanted, and that was you.

The only thing you’d ever picture him doing is pushing you away if you were ever in danger because of him. But he’d never lead you on and pretend to care for you, so why were you so worried in the first place?

You laugh to yourself and quickly grab your things, wanting to see him as soon as possible. Two days without being in his arms was long enough. You open your dorm door, but you definitely don’t expect to see your handsome man in front of you already. He backs you up into your dorm room and closes the door behind him, his eyes never leaving yours.

You could see his red ears, hinting as his embarrassment from his letter, but he still stood tall, his confidence never leaving.

“Did you read it?” He asks, a hand coming up to rub your arms.

Baji had never been one to initiate affection with you, but since dating you for a while and getting used to your touchiness, he finds himself reaching out to you first now more often. He loves it.

“Mhm, thank you,” you smile, leaning in to press a kiss to his lips. “I loved it, and I love you. Thank you for stepping in the other day for me…and I’m sorry for running off on you like that without a word, I just felt embarrassed.”

He shakes his head and laughs huskily, pulling you into his arms, his chin leaning on your shoulder as he squeezes you tight, “You don’t need to apologize. It’s my job to look out for you, just know that they won’t be bothering you again. They know what’ll happen if they do.”

You hug him back, missing the feeling of having his arms around you

“I’m sure you did. Thank you,” you hum, before a teasing smile graces your lips, “Happy Valentine’s Day. Such a romantic gesture to threaten my ‘bullys’ for me.”

He groans in your neck, guiding you back to your bed where he pushes you back into the mattress, hovering over you, “Yeah yeah, Happy Valentine’s Day. As long as you’re happy.”

And happy you were as he leaned down to pepper kisses all over your face.

Your day of love was spent cuddled up together with a movie playing in the background as Baji later attempts to cook brunch since it was still early on in the day. It wasn’t perfect, but you could care less as long as you got to spend it with him, that’s all that mattered.

Posted: 2/14/2024

#tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo rev x reader #baji x reader #baji keisuke #tokyo revengers x you #tokyo revengers x y/n #tokyo rev x you #tokyo rev x y/n #baji x you #baji x y/n #tokyo revengers oneshot #tokyo rev oneshot #baji oneshot

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ruthlesslistener · 10 months

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I still remember how one time someone asked you to respect other people's headcanons, and immediately you went on a rant. I don't think that anon meant to... convince you to like that ship or to change your headcanons. They were saying exactly as it is. So I can understand why some are starting to see you as an arrogant fighter when answering asks. Will you blow up on this simple ask? Will you make fun of some anon for "having no reading compression" because they didn't go full into crazy details? It feels like that unless some ask fully agrees with you, there's a chance of you coming off as a jerk in some way.

Tone: deeply frustrated, but calm

So this IS about the adult Ghost discourse. Well that's because I wasn't replying with the intent to rant, I was explaining my take on it (and was admittedly probably very bitter about it because the misunderstandings were deeply frustrating me)- which I already explained to you earlier was something I just do by default. Can't remember which exact post it was either, but I believe it was also condescending as hell because I do respect other's headcanons most of the time, but this came after I had already stated that I was without any context for adult ghost prior to the incident with the exception of pornography, which negtively tinted my views on it pretty hard. So I had to add that context in there, because it deeply skewed how I engaged with the concept, and also I'm pretty sure that I stated it was personal preference already and that I didn't want to engage with it, but people were still saying that. Remember that food metaphor I made earlier? That's where I think the misunderstanding is coming from- I clearly stated my opinions on it because to me, it's as simple as not liking pie, but because I forgot that other people don't have that same view of fanon, it came off like a moral judgement. In which case I have to state again: it's not that deep for me.

As for losing my temper, yeah I did during the heat of that ask bombardment. But I mean, you gotta understand that this was one event where I responded ineloquently, with zero context for what I was talking about, and got a whole slew of comments by people who jumped the gun to conclusions about what I thought that I didn't say at all. That's deeply frustrating! And I'm really fucking bad about regulating my emotions bc of the afformentioned autism, so that frustration carried over into my posts, probably doubly so because I just write plainly without tone tags. Then when more asks that missed the point of what I was saying rolled in, I got even MORE frustrated. Because it was clear that my point wasn't being made, and it made me more and more upset- hence the 'no reading comprehension' gripes, bc I thought I was speaking clearly but people were responding with things I didn't say. Like, even now, I'm not angry- I'm frustrated and upset because I thought I was getting better at this whole social thing, but clearly not. Also, for context, the people who replied 'no reading comprehension' are those who either picked up on what I was saying, or are those I went to for help because I didn't know where I was going wrong.

Though I have to ask, anon- why not block me? You clearly seem to have some sort of problem with me, or at least with reading me properly, and I genuinely don't want you to continue to get raised hackles because of my social ineptitude fucking things over. I'm not some kind of social bitch who uses status to push people around, and the thought that I might inadvertently be doing that has honestly made me want to delete my blog and start over (though I probably won't bc I hate change). I'm not a professional. This is something I do in my free time with the few friends I have because it's a special interest, and no more. There's really no obligation for you to tolerate me if you don't like me, or can't read my tone- just block me. It'll get me off your feed and prevent you from having to deal with me, because while I'll try to get better with my tone, I don't think I can change my brain chemistry to be any better at knowing what people want from me or how to respond in a way that doesn't seem inflamatory. Because I genuinely don't know what to do.

#im not angry rn im deeply upset #and frustrated #i certainly was in the wrong but i dont know how to make it better #other than state over and over again that i lacked context and dont think kts that deep #anon #reply

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hayheadd · 1 year

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I am incredibly autistic. I have gotten the flu vaccine for 10 years in a row. Autism flows through my blood. Anyways, here's a list of Lemon Demon Spirit Phone songs that I imagine Pathologic animatics to.

Lifetime Achievement Award - The Kains trying to revive Simon while Rubin takes him apart into the vaccine

Touch Tone Telephone - At first it's Aspity explaining to Clara what they both are (brand new species. Big cat. Space nazis. Robert Sack.) and then it's Clara trying to call everyone (Aglaya, Block, Saburovs) to explain her blood cult and convince everyone that it's a great idea

Cabinet Man - Polyhedron (Simon Kain's soul in it?) playing games with the the kids until Aglaya bombs it (very important to include a shot where her dead body is looking very triumphant)

No Eyed Girl - Simon Kain and Isidor obsessing over the plague. They decide to dig it up and kill everyone (they would do it all again)

When he died - Bachelor arriving to town to discover Simon Kain's dead (very important to include a shot of him coming back to Eva's and screaming into a pillow), later Artemy finding out Isidor is dead (and all the wacky circumstances).

Sweet Bod - My favourite. Starts with Artemy brewing his meat soup and taking organs out of people. He proceeds to go graverobbing with the kids. A dude hears about all this and tells the Bachelor. When the gang comes back (after a quick stop at Shekhen), Artemy finds out how to make panacea (it's started rumors of mason jars of sweetness). Everyone is super happy about this and they throw a panacea party in the lair with all the termites and Artemy's friends where they're all drinking twyre brews. Bachelor knocks on the the door, and Burakh greets him (Good god I'm glad to see you) (won't you be my panacea). Daniil gets dragged into the party and is incredibly uncomfortable. He tries to wake up Stakh, who is sleeping on the operating table so he can ask him what the fuck is going on. The animatic finishes off with a big dance off.

Eight Wonder - it's about Murky (extra clever earth bound spirit)! She has hands and she has feet! She follows Burakh around, being all quiet and Murky-like (thou will never know what I am) (she's the eight wonder). Suddenly switches to a shot of the Crowstone scene, Burakh terrified as he understands that the plague is going to take Murky (when you see me, you're paralyzed). Then it shows her backstory, how she lost her family to the plague, and this is compared to how Artemy took in the plague to protect her. I imagine this makes her feel really guilty. The thing is that Murky doesn't talk a lot, but this is how I interpret this part of her story. BUT THEN it's Evil Clara aka possibly plague herself (who tricked her) singing about how SHE'S the eight wonder. And Clara and Murky dance in the void

Ancient Aliens - Clara singing about her nature again. About Worms, Brides, Albinos, Aspity and the plague also (strange things happen).

Soft Fuzzy Man - actually it's really weird that I don't imagine much to this one since it's an absolute banger, but I guess it's Clara with her cult again.

As Your Father I Expressly Forbid It - Artemy forbidding Murky from playing with her friend (Plague) (in an untoxic way).

I Earn My Life - Stakh Rubin anthem. He's overworking, not sleeping for days. At "I'm losing all my hair" his bald head becomes even BALDER. "I learned it from my father and my father never lied" is literally something Stakh would say about Isidor. "I wouldn't be so worried if I wasn't always right". At the end he takes a nice long rest in the grave (Artemy didn't finish his panacea quest) (sad ending)

Man Made Object - Peter imagining, planning and building the Polyhedron (towering over all). I've always imagined if Peter had dream sequences, they would be in purple and orange, like the insides of the Polyhedron.

Spiral of Ants - About the Kin's hivemind. Artemy gets dragged into the Kin's circle and they all dance, create a hurricane, do the Nocturnal ending and decolonise the town.

You're at the party - (this one is really weird) The Marble Nest basically. Daniil can't fall asleep because of all the infected people screaming outside. He's having fever dreams, super tired. A crow is shown looking into his window, when the plague lichen or moss looking thing gets into the house he's in. He freaks out, runs up to the window and gets grabbed by a skeletal hand and dragged into some weird dimension, where he wakes up in a coffin (It's a place you've seen before you were born). Eventually he gets into a trance, and just starts vibing out with the tragedians that are there. Meanwhile, in the real world, Sticky walks into Daniil's room and sees that he's uncontious and really really infected. The partying is broken up at "Wake up!" and "Too late!" with shots of Sticky and the kids trying to shake him awake and give him medicine. Suddenly Daniil wakes up. He's sitting on his bed, but the kids aren't there. The crow that was looking in earlier flew in and is dead on the floor, surrounded by executor masks (sun's not rising and the birds are dead). For some reason there's a vial of panacea sitting near the sink, which Daniil runs up to, but accidentally breaks it (half empty bottles in the sink, down the drain). It starts raining, and Dankovsky just realises he can take his face off (your face begins to change), which he does, revealing a tragedian mask under it. Behind him appears a executor, and he finds himself at the start of that night again (Marble Nest time loop). There's clock and handwatch imagery present throughout this whole thing.

Redesign Your Logo - Peter and the Kains designing the Polyhedron AGAIN, this time in a style that kind of makes the whole thing look like blueprints. I don't have much on this one, but when Neil Cicieriga says "Interracial couples" - show Dankovsky and Burakh holding hands. And likewise have a character for every single line in that segment where he lists potential customers. There's also a lot of pathological symbolism to be done here (everything's connected 😲)

(I AM not intending the censor myself on this. This is strictly informational.)

#pathologic #pathologic 2

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house-of-slayterr · 2 years

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I forgot that the autistic character has dyscalculia and auditory processing disorder. Dyscalculia is a learning disability in math. People with dyscalculia have trouble with math at many levels. They often struggle with key concepts like bigger vs. smaller. And they can have a hard time doing basic math problems and more abstract math. Auditory processing disorder is a thing where someone has a hard time understanding speech as it sounds like gibberish. To be honest it annoys the hell out of people if you ask them to repeat themselves. Would that ruin their chances of being a sniper? The character wasn't in the military. They had to get a permit just like everyone else who wanted to learn the basics of firearms. The girl is not a sniper by military standards as she doesn't call herself one.

I struggled with dyscalculia for a long time. Math for me isn't necessarily more difficult, I just can't do it the way my teachers wanted me to. Things like switching fractions to decimals, counting on my fingers, or doing long division were things that took a lot more effort for me. I used to confuse some of my numbers, and it also affected the way I would write said numbers. Mathematical concepts would have to be explained in-depth for me to understand them, and I fucking hated word problems.

When I moved on to higher lever maths I wanted to blow my brains out. Whicher genesis decides to add letters to maths, deserves to go to jail. Pythagoras, I'm coming for your fucking throat mate! Archimedes and Euclid, your geometry bullshit makes no bloody sense. And Pierre de Fermat, your theorem is the bane of my existence, fuck off.

I also suffer from Auditory Processing Disorder. As a barista, my primary job when I'm at the register is to LISTEN to the customers. When the mask mandate was heavier in my state, that took away my ability to read lips. Which royally fucked me in the ass. Add the plexy glass window in front of me, the sound of the lights, the ice machine, coffee pots, blender and my other coworkers making ambient noise, and you have the recipe for a sensory disaster. I've had to take to wearing noise-cancelling earbuds during work, and sometimes if customers notice them, they get pissy. But I always wear my autism pin, so at least if they complain to corporate, they're being ableist and ignorant.

But I don't think this would ruin her chances of becoming a sniper. Sensory issues are something that as an autistic person, you learn to deal with eventually. You find little things that help and use them to your advantage. You discover ways to avoid things that would send you into sensory overload. People may get annoyed with her for asking to repeat themselves, but it doesn't sound like thtas something that she would take personally. Perhaps she can carry around da recording device, and she can turn it on when she knows she has to have a conversation with someone important. That way she can listen back to it over and over again until she understands. That's what I used to do in school, it helped tremendously. It also is a great way to learn tone and inflexion s you can study the way that person speaks. If it's a character she will be interacting with often this could be used to her advantage.

I think it's interesting that she didn't learn from being in the military. And that she has the wherewithal to not classify herself as such. It says a lot about who she is as a person. It's clear she takes definitions and classifications very seriously. The fact that she's self-taught serves to prove how smart and dedicated she is. You can tell she enjoys her job very much! I think she'll make an excellent sniper and an even better character. IF you're willing Anon, I would love to read what you write. I'm seriously invested now I already adore this character and I cant wait to see where her story goes! You're doing an amazing job, thanks for coming to me with your questions and sharing such a special charter with me!

#Ask an autistic person #autistic characters #fang rambles #character development #character building #fang's analysis #writing #writing help

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ronaldmcdonaldfucker · 2 years

Text

The Right Side of My Neck - Harry Osborn

W.k: 1k

Notes: Harry x Autistic!Reader, this is mostly inspired by my own experiences! Please note that everyone's Autism is different and no two experiences are the same.

Pronouns aren't mentioned

Warnings: mentions of meltdowns, overall a bit angsty

『 Muffled sobs could be heard from outside you and Harry’s shared bedroom, ones belonging to no one other than yourself. It seemed as if everything that could've gone wrong in your week, did. However, instead of opening up about your struggles to your boyfriend, you had decided to bottle them up in your mind until they exploded. And when they broke out, there was no stopping them. Think of it as a Coke bottle, one stuffed with Mentos and shook repeatedly. It fizzes and fizzes when finally, it can't take it anymore. The soda inside shoots out, covering everything in its vicinity. That's how your stress manifests, and today was your breaking point.

There you sat, curled up on your bed, hugging your knees rocking back and forth. You gripped onto yourself in a last-ditch effort to provide any comfort. Everything felt so loud, you felt so sensitive and vulnerable; something you hated feeling. All of your senses felt heightened like you were hyper-aware of every small thing around you. Any sound you heard was ten times louder than usual; and that, combined with the racing thoughts in your head, was all too much.

Queue your boyfriend, coming home from a long day at work, and walking in to find you. The moment he lays eyes on your crumbled state his expression softens. The only thing he's focused on is you, and making you feel better. “Hey, hey, is it okay if I touch you?” he asks, not wanting to upset you more. The last thing he wishes to do is elevate the situation. You nod your head, wishing to feel his warm embrace; something you had been waiting for all day. He grabs you, pulling you onto his lap, and rocking you ever so gently. One hand rubs small circles on your back, while the other plays with your hair gently. He decides against asking you what happened just yet, unsure of whether you’re comfortable with talking yet. He just holds you, whispering sweet nothings and words of encouragement in your ear until your sobs turn into small whimpers.

Eventually, you stop crying altogether. Feeling much better than before, you speak up. “I’m sorry, Harry,” you say, voice hoarse from all of the crying. Hearing your words immediately struck pain in the young billionaire's heart. He hated seeing you this way. In his eyes, you were like a butterfly, so beautiful and pure. “Why are you sorry, my love?” he questions, still unsure as to why you're apologizing. You ponder for a second, truly not knowing why you're sorry. You didn't have a reason to be sorry, you just were. Sometimes we feel things and we don't know why, we just do. And that's okay, it's okay to just feel. Coming to the sudden realization that you didn't have a reason to be sorry, you muster out a weak “I don’t know, just… for being me, I guess.” you shrug, your face blank. Suddenly his hand moves from your back to your face. He positions you to face him but doesn't force eye contact. His hand cups your cheek gently, thumb stroking the area below it. “Darling, you don't have to apologize for being you. I love you, I don't care what other people say about you because I know you and how wonderful you are. I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you.” His words felt warm, his tone sincere with every phrase that left his mouth. Butterflies filled your stomach, after months of dating the effects he had on you still stood strong. You smiled gently, closing your eyes as a single tear fell. Although this time, the tear wasn't one of sadness. You felt content, at peace with yourself at the moment.

That's the last thing you remember before you dozed off, calm in the arms of your lover. Harry smiled to himself, the adoration he felt for you was immense. Every small snore that left your body filled him with more and more happiness. “I love you, Y/N. I truly do,” he whispered, leaving a soft kiss atop your head. You stir a bit in your sleep but quickly go back to peace as his hand played with your hair gently. By the time you woke up, it was already morning and Harry was up out of bed making breakfast. Your headache hit you like a truck, a wave of pain flashed over your body and you groaned in discomfort. Walking over to the bathroom you noticed puffy bags and bloodshot eyes staring back at you. “Ugh, what happened last night?” unsure if your sensory overload was just an incredibly realistic dream or a harsh reality. Shaking your head, you walk out of the room not truly sure if you wanted to know the answer to that question or not. ‘Y’know some questions are better left unanswered’ you thought to yourself. “Morning, love,” Harry grinned at the sight of your awake body. You didn't respond directly, really not feeling like speaking at the moment, which he’s grown to be accustomed to. Instead, you silently walk up behind him, burying your face in his back. This act of affection absolutely melted his heart. “Each and every day I fall more in love with you, Y/N. I hope you know that, darling.”

A perfect morning to come after a shitty evening, it was wonderful. The love and understanding shared between you and Harry were challenged by no other, there was just something about you two that simply felt right. You got each other in a way that no other did. You lived your entire life shunned and outcasted for something that you had no control over, for that reason you grew up hating your disorder. You grew up seeing it as a burden, something that made you lesser than everyone else. But when you met Harry he assured you that you weren't a burden, that you were wholly wonderful, and while your autism made you view the world in a way different than most others, that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. He changed you, and you changed him, and it was beautiful. 』

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sapphosvioletts · 3 years

Text

Vibrant

Bucky Barnes x Autistic Teen Daughter

Summary:

Inspired by the ending of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and also a continuation of Type of Love (you dont need to read it to understand this though). Bucky is a good dad pretty much

Word count: 1,091

Note: Not every autistic person experiences autism the same. I'm autistic and I am writing from my perspective of how I personally experience autism, but not everyone feels the same as me or has the same perspective as I do.

- the reader is adopted, they are not biologically related. I want my writing to be inclusive to everyone, which is why i am specifying this incase it isn't directly said in the fic

.oOo.

I hold onto my dad's metal arm tightly as I follow him out to the dock, his other hand holding a store bought cake. There's a feeling of vibrant energy coming off of everyone, which does make me relax a little.

Although the fight is far from over, Sam, Bucky, and pretty much everyone are just glad to have a break for a bit. Bucky has been noticeably more relaxed, relived that at least part of the fight is done with.

I've been anxious about this get together since I first heard about it, even though I know I have my dad with me and he wouldn't let anything happen to me. I mean, he's barely left my side since getting back anyways, I think he just needs the reassurance of having me around as much as I need him.

"If you want to leave that's perfectly fine, just let me know before you head back inside so I know where you are, yeah?" Bucky looks down at me as we walk along the dock. I give him a nervous smile and nod.

As we start nearing where all of the others are gathered, Sam's nephews run up to Bucky and start play fighting with him. I let go of his arm and step back, laughing at the scene unfolding before me. I chase after them and grab the cake from Bucky while laughing, not wanting him to drop it.

I shake my head and giggle at Bucky as he pushes his way to the front and runs ahead of the boys. I follow, but choose to walk instead so I don't drop the cake. The boys run off somewhere else as Bucky waits for me to catch up.

He takes the cake from me and sets it on one of the tables as I stay a step behind him, not wanting to bring attention to myself. A couple kids come running to the table at the sight of the cake and Bucky laughs before stepping back.

He wraps an arm over my shoulder and I lean into his side. "Burger or hot dog?" My head snaps up as I hear a voice, which came from a man, holding a spatula and wearing an apron. Bucky smiles and looks down at me, I hold up the number two and his gaze goes back to the man. "Two hotdogs please."

The man nods and leaves to get the food from the grill. I can tell just by the tone of his voice that Bucky is relaxed and happy. It's rare to see him like that anywhere besides our apartment or when we're in private. He has an almost calming effect on me and I slowly feel my nerves easing as well.

Bucky thanks the man and grabs both of our hotdogs for us, I keep my head down but still give a shy smile in thanks. I follow Bucky as he goes to one of the tables, and sits down. The table is empty aside from the two of us and is the furtherest away from where the cake is, wanting to avoid the loud children since loud noises always bother me.

As I put my hand down on the bench to sit down, I freeze and stand up. I've always hated how these wooden benches feel, they're a sensory nightmare for me, and of course I wore shorts today.

Before I can say anything Bucky scoots down closer to me at the end of the table and gently pulls me into his lap. I wasn't really expecting that, and the shock sent me into a fit of laughter for a moment as I hold onto the table, thinking I might fall.

He shifts me on his lap so it's more comfortable. I'm sitting on his lap sideways, trapped between Bucky and the table. The feeling of his soft jeans are much better than the scratchy wooden bench.

Bucky launches into a conversation with me, going on about something that happened with Sam. He knows that I'm most likely nonverbal right now, I am around most people that I am not close to, and even some that I am, like Sarah for example. It's nothing against the people, talking is just hard sometimes.

.oOo

I smile as I watch the kids hang onto Bucky's metal arm. Bucky somehow turned into the kids jungle gym, but he doesn't seem to mind. He just stands there, acting like it's no big deal that he's holding two children with one arm.

I spot Sam a little ways away from everyone, staring out into the ocean. I glance back at my dad and catch his eye, pointing over to where Sam is to let him know where I'm going. He nods discretely and so I wander off from the group.

I slowly walk up next to sam on the dock. He looks down at me once he notices me and smiles. "Hey, you having a good time?" I nod in response, smiling back. We both look back into the ocean, admiring the pink and orange sky from the setting sun.

He wraps his arm around my shoulder and I lean into his side, both of us keeping our eyes on the view but appreciating the gesture. I can tell that Sam has a lot on his mind and he just needs this moment. We stand in comfortable silence, aside from the water in the ocean and the faint sounds of talking from the others.

I look over when I feel another body join my other side. I look up to be met with my dad, smiling down at me. I wrap my other arm around his waist, which makes him smile even wider. As he leans into me he hits Sam on the shoulder and pushes him away.

"Alright, can I have my daughter back now?" I'm thrown into a fit of laughter as Bucky gently pulls me into him. "Hey, now you see why I like your daughter more than you, cyborg." Sam snarks back playfully. They both laugh before dropping the act, deciding to leave the banter for another time, not wanting to ruin the moment.

Bucky pulls away and I wrap my arms around one of his and follow him as he walks off. He nudges Sam's shoulder on the way and Sam follows us with a smile after taking one last glance out at the ocean. We all walk back to the others, gentle and content smiles on all of our faces.

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