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reiderwriter · 9 months

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♣️ To Warm a Lonely Night ♣️

Chapter 6 of That's What You Get

Pairing: Spencer Reid X Reader

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Word Count: 4.6k

Summary: With a few days of leave ahead of you, you wake up in Spencer's apartment with absolutely no plans to leave. All in the pursuit of regaining your memory, of course.

Warnings: none, but there is one sexually explicit-ish sentence at the end (which may or may not be a spoiler for the next chapter, who knows 👀).

A/N: Ahh! I can't believe we're halfway through! This one is mainly fluff, and I hope you love it because it's building to something more next Chapter tee hee. It's a bit later of an upload today because I've been so busy at work, so please forgive me lol 🙏 And please, please, PLEASE let me know in the comments/reblogs/through an ask what you think about it! It'd would make my week 🩷

True to his word, Spencer provided you with a toothbrush, toothpaste, wet tissues to remove your make-up with, a generous amount of pajama options, and a warm bed. You had shyly accepted everything and readied yourself for bed in a matter of minutes, half of you cursing your stupidity at landing in this situation and the other half of you jumping for joy at being back in the same bed as him.

He was right about there being a possibility that the two of you jumping into bed together - again - could jog some memories for you. The only solid memory you had of your marriage was, after all, waking up the day after. So you’d thrown on the plaid pajama bottoms and oversized sweatshirt that surely must’ve been big on him too, and slunked back into his bedroom.

He was already there of course, folding down the covers to his bed and climbing in, trying to make it seem more comfortable and appealing by removing the stacks of books that were strewn across it.

“Sorry, don’t get much use out of that side of the bed,” he said, noticing your eyes on him at that moment.

“You don’t? After everything you said, I assumed that you had… frequent visitors.” You looked up at his face to gauge his reaction, delighted by the flush of color that greeted you there.

He cleared his throat and turned away, shelving another set of books. “It’s not… I’m not that great at picking up women if you hadn’t already guessed that, Y/N.”

“I don’t know, you managed to get me to marry you in the span of less than three hours, Spencer, so I’d say you’re plenty good at it.”

“That was the alcohol, though.”

“It wasn’t.” You let the thought hang in the air between you, having mumbled it so quietly you weren’t sure if he even heard you. You cleared your throat and tried again.

“I mean, can you imagine if some random guy had tried to pick me up and marry me this weekend? Hotch would’ve had to arrest me. Or worse.” You laughed a little to ease the tension of your sudden almost-confession. What the hell were you thinking, blurting out something like that?

“Thank god you got me, then, right?” Spencer smiled back at you, sitting up on the edge of the bed facing you.

“Yeah. Thank god.” You moved towards him then, awkwardly asking which side you should sleep on, and he quickly moved over for you, letting you climb up into the bed as he returned to the door to shut it and turn the lights off.

You listened to his footsteps as he returned to the bed, pulling the covers up and over himself, trying not to confuse his movements with your heavy heartbeat. He didn’t reach out to you, and so you didn’t reach out to him, the two of you awkwardly facing each other in bed, not touching in even the smallest of places.

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight, Spencer.”

–X–

You hoped that you would wake up tangled up in him, that his arms would be wrapped around you, his legs buried deep between your own. You hoped that his breath would be warm on your neck, that he would take the plunge and give you a good morning kiss, and that he would pull you closer into him, suggesting that the two of you not move for another hour at least.

Instead, you woke alone, the bedsheets still warm as you heard the sounds of running water soundtrack your morning. Spencer was gone, and he hadn’t bothered to wake you.

Of course, this was his apartment, and you knew exactly where it was since your brain had finally kicked into gear two minutes into consciousness, but the overwhelming disappointment had you almost frustrated to tears.

So much for trying to jog the memories of your wedding.

You cautiously climbed out of bed after hearing the shower switch off, following the dying trail of steam to the bathroom just as he emerged from within.

“Y/N. You’re awake, good morning.” He greeted you, almost too naturally for a man wrapped in nothing but a white towel. You stared at him a minute too long, your gaze raking down his body, doing everything it could to deny your brain's pleas to pleases look back at his fucking face, for god’s sake.

“Sorry, forgot to bring clothes, not used to this sharing a space thing,” he said awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot a little, before giving you one of those tight-lipped smiles you loved seeing.

“Shit, um, sorry, I’ll just head back to the bedroom.” You start walking in that direction, then automatically change my mind. “No, you need to get clothes, I’ll stand here.” You nodded at that last decision, sticking by it and boring a hole into the floor with your rapid attention to it,

He smiled at you again, ruffling your hair as he passed you on his way back to his own room, leaving you alone with your already sinful thoughts, to gently rest yourself against the wall and convince yourself that you could persist through this temptation.

He emerged a few minutes later, and, with some grace and fucking decorum finally, you looked up at his eyes and started talking cohesively.

“Spencer, why didn’t you wake me? We were supposed to see if this could jog a memory for either of us right, that’s the whole reason I stayed over.”

“Sorry, it must’ve slipped my mind.”

“Spencer, you have an eidetic memory,” you deadpanned, crossing your arms as you waited for his real answer, blocking the doorway to the rest of his apartment with a stern look.

“Okay, I give up. You just looked too… Too happy. Resting there tucked into my arm. I didn’t want to wake you up, because I’ve seen how you get on cases after you’ve had only a couple hours of sleep and I don’t want to be on the other end of that.”

You laughed at him then, not knowing whether his words were truthful or not, and trying your best not to profile him.

“Would you mind if…Spencer, would you mind if I stayed a little longer?” You grabbed his hand and held it as you said the words, trying not to use the way his body stiffened to inform any decisions you were about to make.

“What for?” He asked, genuinely curious.

“We only have seven days, right? And, let’s be honest, most of them are going to be spent on some case or the other. I was hoping we could spend these precious few moments free from work trying to get our memories back.” You smiled up at him hopeful, squeezing his hand just a little.

“I, um… Sure. I have some tickets to a thing this weekend, though, but I can cancel.” Your heart jumped into your stomach and your face dropped as you did your best to backpedal.

“No, wait, Spencer, if you have plans, that’s okay, I can go home.”

“It was just this stupid book fair thing. It’s okay, I didn’t even have anyone to go with.” You almost laughed at his obliviousness.

“Spencer, it’s not stupid, and now you have someone to go with.”

“I do?”

“Yes. Your wife, now where is it?”

–X–

The book fair had turned out to be an accidentally amazing first date. Which was, you’d realized after driving home to change clothes and freshen up, exactly what it was going to be. A date. Another - accidental - date.

He’d picked you up a half hour later, and together you’d driven the 45 minutes to the fair. It was more of a book jumble sale, a collection of vendors, antique dealers, indie bookshops, and exhibitions coming together to celebrate vintage, used, and second-hand books. Spencer was excited, of course, but you felt like a kid in a candy store, ooh-ing and aah-ing at every special edition, basking in the smell of old books, and desperately seeking out the most obscure titles you could find.

You’d made a game out of it with Spencer, sharing a laugh over titles including “Ducks and How To Make Them Pay,” by W. Cook and “An Essay on the Art of Ingeniously Tormenting; with Proper Rules for the Exercise of that Pleasant Art,” by Jane Collier. Walking through the aisles of stalls, you let your hand slip into Spencer’s, not letting yourself think too hard about it.

You’d probably held his hand at some point on your wedding night, you thought to yourself, so maybe it would help. Your justifications were unwarranted, though, as you knew you weren’t letting him go until you absolutely had to.

“Spencer, look at that!” You gasped excitedly, pulling him over to a stall decorated in an array of plushies, some old and worn, some newer, showcasing children’s books from the last century. He trailed after you with a stumble, your excitement having pulled him a little too quickly, his long limbs not able to move as gracefully as you’d somehow managed to.

“Oh my god, isn’t this adorable?” You asked him, squeezing his hand a little bit as you perused the titles. Titles you remembered from your own childhood were there: Judy Bloom, the Babysitters Club, and some Enid Blyton. You talked his ear off about each childhood memory you had with each of the books when you’d read them, asking if he’d read them, too.

“I’m sorry, I’m just so excited about books for some reason,” you apologized to the kind-looking old man running the store, shyly flushing at the run-on conversation you’d been having in front of him.

“It’s fine, my dear, isn’t that why we’re all here? To be excited about books?” He smiled as he looked at you over his glasses, and you pulled Spencer further down the table, noticing that as you went further to the left, the books seemed to get older. You spotted it then, wedged tightly between two piles of other children’s classics, but you pulled it out swiftly, still not dropping Spencer’s hand.

“Spencer look! Anne of Green Gables! I loved this book as a kid, it’s been like 20 years since I last read it.” You beamed up at him, and he smiled down at you as well.

“I’ve read it, too, though only a few years back, I’ll admit. I went through a phase of reading a lot of children’s books after Henry was born to see which would be the best gifts to get him.”

“And did you?”

“Oh, yeah. Got him a whole box set, but I’m not sure if he’s read any of them yet.”

“Perfect, then this one’s for me.” You said quickly, before turning back to the vendor and asking him how much for the book. He gave you the price, a reasonable one for a vintage book. Before you could pull out your money to pay, though, Spencer had dropped your hand and pulled out his own wallet, handing over the money before you could even insist he didn’t have to.

“Spencer! You didn’t have to do that!”

“I know. I wanted to.” The look he gave you had your stomach doing somersaults, as you felt the blood race to your face.

“That’s one very sweet boyfriend you’ve got yourself there, my dear,” the old man said, handing the book back over, having wrapped it, and placed it in a paper bag. Before you could stutter out an explanation, Spencer was sending you further into a tailspin with his own reply.

“I’m her husband, actually. We’re newlyweds.”

“Ah, my apologies, I didn’t see a ring, so I just assumed.” You looked down at your left hand then, before Spencer wrapped it in his again. You’d taken the ring off after you’d woken up that first day, and not wanting any questions about it, you’d placed it in your bag and then in your jewelry box when you finally returned home. You had shown it to Penelope though, in a romcom-drunk fit of giggles.

With another thank you, you quickly left the stall behind, this time Spencer being the one to take action and pull you excitedly onward.

“What did you do with that ring?” He asked, genuinely curious. “And where did we even get it?”

“It’s in a jewelry box at my house, I didn’t… I didn’t want anyone asking questions, you know.” You felt a small tension between you then, as you suddenly acknowledged the circumstances of your relationship. You were doing the adult version of “playing house,” and neither of you was sure when the game was going to come to an end.

“And no memories, remember? We probably picked it up on the side of the road somewhere, or maybe it’s a souvenir from the chapel?”

“No, I only caught a glimpse of it, and it didn’t look like costume jewelry or something we could get for cheap.” You looked at him puzzled before an idea came to you.

“What if I send a picture of it to Penelope? See if she can come up with anything for us. I’ll tell her one of my college roommates is getting engaged and she’s bragging about the ring, so I wanted to know what it’s worth?” It was a white lie, of course. You still weren’t sure about telling Spencer about Penelope being your witness, not sure how it would go over with him.

“You think that’ll work?”

“Oh yeah, Penelope’s big on girl drama. I think she actually coined the phrase ‘I support women’s rights and I support women’s wrongs.’”

“No, Y/N, about the ring, do you think she’d be able to find it?”

“Spencer, you’ve worked with Penelope Garcia for over a decade, and you’re still doubting her?”

–X–

True to form, Penelope found the ring for you in under 24 minutes, along with a list of stores in the immediate Las Vegas area where it could be purchased, and a follow-up mention that the transaction was nowhere in either of your credit card histories, so you must’ve paid cash.

Which only begged further questions, because where the HELL had you gotten 30k in cash?

“Spencer, holy shit.” You shouted out as he pulled up to his apartment, the two of you finally calling it quits at the book fair after you noticed the sun was beginning to set.

“What? Did you not want to come back here with me, I can drive you home if you want?”

“No, Spencer it’s not that, it’s the ring. It retails for $30,000, Penelope found it. Where the hell did we get that much cash?”

“Cash?”

“For a transaction that large, we must’ve paid cash, right? I haven’t had any cold calls from my credit card company asking me to watch my back, and I certainly don’t have that amount in my regular bank accounts.”

“Oh, right. Well, we were in Vegas.” He shrugged and exited the car, but something about the words rang in your head a little as you followed him in, and you gasped realizing what it was.

“That’s it, Spencer! We went to a casino, we must have! You did your card trick magic and whatever and then boom! Wedding ring!” You smiled at the discovery as he pushed open the door to the apartment building for you, letting you bask in your discovery.

“It’s not magic, really, it’s just math.” You gave his arm a light punch at the stupid words and followed him back up to his apartment.

“Well, then, I want to do a lot more math with you, Doctor Reid.” You wiggled your eyebrows a little, and he burst into laughter in front of you, having finally reached the door to his unit.

Pushing the door open, he left the doorway empty for you to make your decision. Were you really going to follow him back into his apartment again? After making yourself a temporary guest the night before, and forcing the man to spend the entire day with you, you didn’t want to push your luck, but oh god how you wanted him to invite you to stay and never leave. Is this why people got married?

“After you, Mrs. Reid.” His words made the decision for you, and you stepped over the threshold swiftly, letting his hand on the small of your back guide you.

“Since we had takeout last night, I was maybe thinking I could cook today? That is, unless you wanted to go home?” He muttered the words a little shyly, and you found yourself squirming at his cuteness, pushing down the overwhelming urge to kiss him.

“Yeah, I could eat.” Was all you managed before he pulled you into his kitchen and started preparing the pasta dish Rossi had taught you all to make only weeks prior.

–X–

You finished off the pasta quickly and just sat together talking for a while before he returned to the kitchen again for a second and bought out a bottle of wine and two mismatched wine glasses.

“A lecturer got me this when I guest lectured in their class last year, but I don’t drink that much. Do you want to share it with me?” You nodded and grabbed the glasses from his hands, letting him prepare the drinks for you.

“This is kind of like the bar, right? All the books, and now the drinking. It could probably lead to some memories, right?”

“Yeah, it probably could.” He held his drink out and you chimed your glass against his, finally taking a sip as he returned to his seat next to you. At some point, you had migrated from the dining table to the sofa, back in the same seats you’d occupied the night before.

“Let’s play a game,” you said, taking another sip for confidence as he turned to look at you with a questioning stare.

“I have a pack of cards and a chess board, but I’ll warn you I’m not the most fun to play with-”

“Not that type of game, Spencer. I mean like… twenty questions or something?”

“Oh, right, Um, how exactly do you play twenty questions?”

“Is that your first question?”

“Is that yours?”

“See you’re already great at it.” He rolled his eyes at you and shifted himself closer to you on the couch, letting his hand rest gently behind your head. A breeze blew through the room, and you shivered slightly, huddling closer to him, too.

“Okay, so question 1. What’s your favorite book?”

“War and Peace. Or at least it’s the book I reread the most often. What about you?"

“Probably something by Austen. There’s just something about an Austen hero that has me melting.” You let your hand trail up his leg, and you saw him drop his gaze to follow it’s path. “Your turn, Spence.”

“Oh, right… So, what… what is your dream date?”

“I don’t know. Maybe a trip to a cute cafe or… I don’t know, a book fair?” He laughed at that, and you asked your next question.

“Did you think you’d ever get married like this?” You took a deep breath after asking it, not sure if you wanted to hear the answer to that.

“No. I didn’t… I guess I didn’t ever think I would get married. I’ve been alone this long, you know, it seemed that I’d be alone forever, you know.” The words cracked your heart, and you let your hand fall from his thigh to his hand instead. “I’m sure you didn’t so I won’t waste my question on that.”

You laughed a little before answering, “Yeah, I… I didn’t expect it to happen that way. I was picturing more church, white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and growing so old together that we die like that old couple in The Notebook.”

“You want kids?” He asked, almost a little too quickly to be casual about it.

“Yeah, I guess I do. What about you?” Your heartbeat burst into your ears as you let the question sit between you, Spencer considering the question for a while before speaking again.

“I didn’t think about it before… with everything going on with my mom, I guess I was a little afraid about passing on my problems to a small child, but…” He let his head hang for a second, before grabbing his drink again and taking another sip.

“But now what?”

“I don’t know I just… I think it would be really nice. I love spending time with Henry, and Jack, but it’s different when it’s your own, right? Someone to make the world better for.”

“That’s a really beautiful way to put it, Spencer.” You smiled at him, and he matched your gaze, returning your smile. Your game was left abandoned between you then, the questions fizzling out as you just sat, halfway to being in his arms, and looked at him.

“It’s getting late again. And you drank, too, you should probably stay here again tonight.”

“I probably should.”

“And we should probably go to bed now, you never know when we’re going to get called in on an emergency case again.”

“You’re probably right.”

You talked your way around in circles there on his couch, but when you finally crawled into bed together, neither of you feigned the distance of the night before, instantly reaching out to hold each other as your breaths synchronised into shallow breaths.

–X–

Frustratingly though, he was gone again when you woke. You stretched yourself out on his bed, just to be sure, but he was gone. You found him this time in the kitchen, though, making you breakfast.

“Good morning, Spencer.” You walked up to him, grabbing him from behind and letting your head rest on his back, no longer shy with your physical affection. Well, still a little shy. You hadn’t kissed him again yet, and you had no plans to, waiting to see if he’d go that extra step all by himself.

“Good morning. I wasn’t sure what you liked to eat, and honestly, that pasta dish from yesterday is the only thing I really know how to do, so I hope you like pancakes?”

“I’m in love with pancakes, Spencer.”

“That’s a weird way to put it, but great.” You cursed yourself and pulled away from him, grabbing some plates from his cupboards for the two of you. You settled down to eat together, and before you knew it, the morning was drawing to a close.

“So, what’s the plan for today?” He asked you, leaning on the doorway to the bathroom as you brushed your teeth.

“Plans? You want… you want to spend today together as well?” The question had taken you off-guard. You really thought you’d overstayed your welcome, but here he was, asking what was next.

“Yeah, if that’s… if that’s okay with you. You still don’t remember much, right?”

“Right. But, uh, I was kind of planning on running errands today. Laundry, grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions. It’s not going to be like yesterday.”

“Well, then I guess we’re running errands. You need to drop by your house to pick up clothes?” You nodded your reply, finally washing the toothpaste from the side of your mouth.

“Perfect. You can get ready and we’ll go from there.”

–X–

A couple of hours later and a drive to the nearest supermarket, you were surprised at how true to his words Spencer was. He’d followed you to the dry cleaners, and helpfully advised you on which items were best hand-washed vs. laundered by taking a look at their material percentages. You’d accompanied him to his opticians, where he picked up the refill for his contact lenses - while wearing the eyeglasses that you secretly found very, very hot. And now here you were, the picture of domestic bliss in the aisles of a supermarket, arguing over which milk you should buy.

“What if we get called on a case? You don’t want bad dairy in your fridge for a week, trust me.”

“Spencer, I’m telling you, I’ll use it. I drink like a liter of tea a day, and I like mine pretty light.”

“Okay, but it’s your contaminated fridge, not mine.” You scoffed and laughed at him again as he pushed the shopping cart from behind you, trapping you between his body and the handle.

“Spencer, what are you doing?” You rolled your eyes at his childish antics, turning around to face him as he leaned closer.

“What? I like pushing the cart.”

“You like pushing my buttons. Come on, I thought you were supposed to be helping me with the errands today?”

“I tried to help. In fact, I offered some very sound advice on which milk to buy, but I was heartlessly ignored, and now I’m pushing the cart.”

“Okay then, Mr. Tragic Hero. Fruit aisle next, please. I’m going to buy enough perishable goods to really piss you off.”

The stares you got in the supermarket were worth it for that small moment of happiness with Spencer, gently tickling your sides as you practically ran through the supermarket with him, not caring that your groceries haul was about to look like an ingredients challenge on Hell’s Kitchen. Or maybe Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares instead.

He was there next to you, and he was smiling. That’s all you really wanted for that moment.

–X–

After a day of errands, pulling up to your house left an almost empty feeling in your stomach. The groceries had been your last stop, but it had taken you almost two hours to complete them just because of the sheer chaos you’d caused between the two of you, your multiple faux-stand-offs over food choices. You’d since argued over instant coffee brands, apples vs. oranges, the longevity of a pack of Doritos, and more. It was probably the most romantic second date you’d ever been on.

He turned off the engine of the car and immediately began grabbing things from the trunk, grabbing paper bags to deposit within your house. He managed to get all of them in his arms before you even unclipped your seatbelt.

“Spencer, let me help, you can’t carry all of that on your own.”

“I can. Just unlock the door, it’s fine.”

“Okay, but if you break something, you’re driving back to the store alone to replace it.” That was all you said as you led him into the tiny apartment you called home.

“You can put the bags on the counter, I’ll unpack everything later.” He followed your directions quickly, then stepped back into the passage, readying himself by the door to leave.

“Thanks for staying with me again today, Spencer. I really enjoyed having company.”

“Me too. Even if…Y/N, even after all of this is finished, do you think we could… do this more often?” He asked, grabbing your hand and pulling you a bit closer to him in the doorway. You let yourself fall into his arms, not caring which of your neighbors was suddenly out and about to witness this.

“I think I’d like that.” Your lips were inches from each other now, and you stilled yourself completely, not wanting any sudden movements to get between you and the kiss you had been begging for silently since Saturday night. He tilted your head up and leaned down, closing the gap as his arms tightened around you.

His lips were sweet, warm with a hint of the sweetness from the morning's pancakes still, and you wanted more of him. But as his lips slid over yours again, his tongue seeking entrance to your mouth, your stomach dropped with an intense feeling of deja vu.

All of a sudden you felt his hands on your body, his lips trailing down your neck, his cock buried deep inside of you, and his voice low and husky in your ear.

With the force of your entire will, you pushed him away with the whole weight of your body and slammed the door shut in his face.

You had successfully restored part of your memory.

--X--

🏷 Pt. 1 @w-windyy @multifandom-on-the-side @reidandhotchsgirl @babybluecakes @hugyourlungs @prentissesredtanktop @reidscaffeine @bethanyhaas01 @average-sunflower @academiareid @sailortongue @daddy-dotcom @anniewhalelover @abbyshmaby @isabel-ffl-xoxo @sujan39 @frxcless @bluestuesday @busy-buzzing @breadbrobin @maxinehufflepuffprincess @l0v3cam @booksandwonderlands @myescapefromthislife @ferrjulie @scoobydoopoo @aelinismyqueen @littlesingingbean @jamiemuscatosslut @xohoneybun @anchovy89freya @dysphoricsanity @ghostheartbeat @casss2111 @rebloggiest-reblogger @wishyoudaskme @imawhoreforu @academiacoffeelover @softservepunk @andiebeaword @r-3dlips @wakaladjarin @ratbastardchild @mcira @danika1994 @stargurl99 @whovianwholikesgirls @its-not-too-late-for-coffee @doriantomybasil @shqwqrma

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aurcls · 2 months

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HSHQTASK059: FAREWELL !

i know i already yapped in the admin post but let me continue <3

1: when did you join ? what made you join ? what do you remember from the plotlines that were current at the time ? where were you in life when you joined and where are you now ?

i joined in 2015 as a high school freshman, jfc ! i don't think there was anything major going on, the rp was very much a rich kids rp so the drama was chill and petty; entertaining but not that deep. one thing that made me join ( aside from my obsession with royals ) was the fact that phoebe tonkin - THE most popular fc at the time - was up for grabs. i thought it was meant to be !

2: which characters have you written over the years ?

errrmmm... merjem/kalla, olivier, livia, florencio, alexander, anneli, lixun, nicole, maryam, blazej, definitely some other characters whose names and existence i cannot remember

3: what is your favourite plotline that you've been part of ?

i think this is just nostalgia but i think olivier-viggo-armani-lykke-anton-etc era was my fave. artistically it's very hollow but i think the lightness of it all makes it my favourite. i also sort of view it as a testament of my own naivety and youth. i'm not saying i'm old now but i'm not 17 without a single worry. back then ( because i wasn't busy and i could sat in front of my computer for hours ) the plots moved quickly and the threads were really fun to follow. there weren't that many characters so everyone was, in a way, forced to write with each other so the plotlines were very interactive. i appreciate the organic way things evolved. ( i do have a soft spot for annexei but i think it's mainly bc i admire alexei's characterization so much and elisa's ability to depict depression )

4: what about other people's plotlines ?

i was insanely invested in the zulu conflict of 2020. it had so many moving parts and i think if it had only gotten a chance to evolve even further, it would have been on a whole new level <3

5: who is your favourite character from the ones you've played ? why ? what made you love them ? what made them so fun to write ?

i think nicole or olivier. nicole's plotline was so well defined that it was fun to write her. i loved her relationships and it was interesting to write someone older. i think she's a character i could write a book about but she wasn't the best for an rp setting ? getting a chance to be involved in the english drama was wonderful ! olivier on the other hand... i think he's just a fave because he lets me connect to the old days ? when rp was a top priority and everything was exciting and fun. i don't want this to sound like it isn't that anymore but times were different back then and i don't think it ever felt the same after maybe high school graduation ?

6: if you could relive a plotline, which would it be ?

i think the finale of the english plotline maybe ? or the insanity of the lawn chair thing. possibly the rise of olykke too <3 but honestly i would like to experience all of it again, as cliche as it sounds. i will very think of the nights i stayed up until 4 or 5 am just to write/read the dash. waiting for a reply was such an addictive feeling and idk where i'll find my replacement for it. it really breaks my heart and makes me feel very old to realize that i don't know if i'll experience the excitement again. those sleep-deprived nights were some of my best. i've said "it's just rp" a million times but honestly, rping itself is such an experience and i'm glad i've gotten to get the best version of it.

7: is there a plotline that you'd edit now if you could ?

i think i'd improve the kalla era's germany. i didn't do much with it.

8: what's a plotline you wish you would have been able to finish before closing or just write more of ?

i would have loved to finish aurel x araya story, i mean i can probably still accomplish that but nbskdgbjs there were big plans for the slovakians and it's a shame we never got to write it out on the dash. i think i would have enjoyed writing the inner struggle of blazej. he had a lot of potential but alas, it could not be !

9: what is your favourite ooc memory ?

i have two that stick out but my trip with serre ? we were on my sister's couch writing the stupid lawn chair saga and i think it was the first time in a long time that i had that much fun writing ! the second one would be me visiting evy because it was a surreal experience and i have to admit i was so socially awkward that evy's family probably thinks i'm weird nfgbkdsgbj i just think it's amazing that those two meetings could happen ? prior to hshq, i hadn't really believed in online friendships, everyone felt just too remote ! a special mention goes to this crackthread thing we wrote: link just a random memory though: i remember when we did those feedback surveys. we sorta forgot them but they were so important at that one point. other funny thing is our old adminooc blog. snapchat replaced it and then some years later discord replaced snapchat. we should bring the admin snapchat back btw @armanicatherina & @barbiebraganca

10: where can others find you if they want to get in touch ?

i'll be on discord !!! you can find me on the hshq server ( which we aren't deleting if i can have a say ;) )

11: what else would you like to say ?

i said a lot in the admin post but i actually had to "keep it short" so here i will say so many things that you wish i had edited this. for me rping has been an amazing way to connect with other people, learn about people through writing and to experience emotions that i wouldn't otherwise. some of the words i've read here have managed to capture thoughts that i hadn't been able to put into words and it's been amazing to see how differently people think but also how alike some feelings among different people are. i often try to wrap my head around the fact that this group's been going for eight amazing years. i've gone through a lot in those eight years and the existence of this group has brought me a lot of joy. i am sad to let go of it and i guess i'm in a bit of denial because i keep thinking that 1x1 rping exists and y'know... even if a group doesn't exist, threads can still happen. when i think about hshq and the plotlines i've read and written, one thing really sticks out to me and it's the way we shifted from a p basic rich kids rp into something intricate and sophisticated ( yes, we had a drug related nye event and we've had a fair share of petty fights ). the range of emotions people have been able to write and the psychological work they've done to write a convincing and very realistic humans is something everyone can be proud of. i don't know if i look like a sadist but i was most impressed by the depictions of sadness, guilt and self-loathing. in my opinion it's not easy to write a piece of sad prose without it being a bit melodramatic. aside from hshq's longevity, the most amazing thing has to be everyone's willingness to get involved. the plot drops that i wrote wouldn't have happened without your input and when it got too tough for me to write them myself, y'all stepped up and continued the plotdrops with your newsposts. as an admin, it's been so so so so so awesome that we've been able to put some responsibilities on the members and have you guys perform better than well. i think we did something unique here and i'm so proud of us as a group!!!! i wish i could flex about this irl because hshq's history and way of working is something extraordinary. i really wish i could properly put my love for hshq into words. i don't know how to express its meaning and influence in my life. i feel like it has helped me to improve my writing but more importantly it has taught me a thing of two about empathy <3 i really hope we'll stay in touch and if anyone comes to europe, or more spesifically finland, don't be afraid to message me bc i'd love to meet up !

#hshqtask059 #i'll do the task058 a bit later

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incomingnewsmile · 5 days

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Day 68

Hair has gone to full curls after being left unmanaged 😂

Feel like I'm nearly there with sleeping horizontal again. I seem to start at an angle, then slowly work myself down throughout the night. I still have pain by my ears - mainly my right, especially in the the evening. Spoke to the nurse about it this week and she said it may be from clenching my jaw. Because I had a bad bite before I need to learn how my jaw should sit in a relaxed position. After hearing this I've realised that sometimes I am clenching my teeth together without realising. So trying to make myself aware and stop everytime I do it. Although it also may be everything settling still and just bones adjusting to position. 😅

Still on soft foods, still have a numb lips on the right side & numb chin. I have some more feeling on the right side of my cheeks but the closer to my chin you get, the number it gets 😂 which is still making eating difficult without getting it everywhere still. Can't wait till I can eat like a civilised member of society again 😅

Another strange thing I've noticed is sometimes if I breathe in really deeply through my nose, I get a pins and needles, almost popping feeling on the roof of my mouth. It doesn't hurt or isn't uncomfortable but definitely feels very strange 😂😂

Made home made elderflower cordial the weekend just gone ☺️it tastes amazing.

The weekend before we wasted 24 hours of out time and tipped away 6 litres of sugary yellow water, the elderflower was not ready 😂. Lesson learnt I'm glad we went in for a second attempt because we made liquid gold ☺️

Ralph turned 2 a couple of days ago ☺️ he is so handsome 😂😁 he had a steak dinner. He is spoilt.

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neverevan · 8 months

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get to know me EVEN better 🫣

I was tagged by @forthewolves thank you lovely mwuah 💛

I'm gonna drop it under the cut cuz its a bit long~

also I just answered some of these in the other post, so pay no mind to the 2 copy+pastes uhhh

three ships: (I'm gonna give three different ones here though, it pays to be a multishipper hehe) chanoey, hilson, spideypool

first ever ship: I wanna say... Hiei x Kurama from YYH?? Or maybe Leon and Yuri from Kaleido Star?? idk I was like 12 it's gotta be one of these 🥲

last song: The Moon Will Sing by The Crane Wives

last movie: still Barbie... you gotta understand that I watch TV shows all the time, but I can't make myself sit down and watch a movie that I haven't seen before, more than once every 3 years

currently reading: I am shamelessly rereading all things bright and beautiful by @forthewolves because of feels™ and because the last time I read it was just before I actually started watching the show 🤭

currently watching: you know it already and it's probably gonna be the same for the next couple of months because I'm hooked 🥲

consuming: can of diet coke ✌️

currently craving: validation and motivation ugh

nicknames: okay so I have sooo many, mainly because I used to use my first name and then my middle name for 14 years each, before I changed my name lol but also because I've been in fandom since I was like 12 so I accumulated a lot of character names that I was associated with at the time, I listen to anything at this point... that being said the ones I'm actually willing to give here are: newbs (which is 10/10 btw) and newbster haha

zodiac: pisces 🐠

fav music: goood so many but uhh indie/alternative stuff mostly, slavic electro folk, drum and bass, electro swing, newschool rockabilly/rock 'n' roll, anything good tbh, not techno though

followers: 1365

following: 273 (I've been going out of my way to follow more blogs that post stuff that I like, but I had a big cleanup there like 3 months ago)

do you get asks: sometimes, mostly about buddie lately which allows me to ramble on about them even more 😭 though I get the occasional rude asks from stupid people, but I just delete those lmao

amount of sleep: 6 hours I think??? Actually maybe less...

what are you wearing: black baggy pants with a waist string and a sinched bottom, a stripey crop jumper (white base, yellow, pink, blue and purple stripes), Looney Tunes socks

dream job: I mean, it used to be making cartoons, that's why I studied animation, but now I'm training to be an actor so wish me luck guys 🫡

languages: english, hungarian and what miniscule amount of german I still have left rattling around in my brain from school

random fact: I changed my name legally last December and I was struggling to pick a middle name for months, and as some of you may know already newbie is a nickname that Dr Cox calls JD in Scrubs and I have been using it for over a decade, so I thought if I was fine with that for so long, then I might as well give a subtle nod to the character irl too and I won't tell you what it is, but that's exactly what I did 😌

aesthetic: depending on the day; skater boy, dark academia librarian or insta mum 🥲

no pressure tagging: @daffi-990 @jesuisici33 @ladydorian05 @excuseme-greentea @yelenasbuddie @icecreampotluck @notnowtobey @hawkinsleather @disasterbuckdiaz and anyone who wants to do it of course! ✨

#get to know me better #tag games #random

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fitgothgirl · 3 months

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I keep not updating because it's just felt like more and more of a weight the longer I go since the stuff I'd update about just keeps accumulating/progressing. But I'm just going to triage some things since updating on everything has apparently become a barrier lol.

Dealing with my four infections (quadfection?) is wrapping up soon; I've been on a total of five antibiotics for over three weeks straight, but I'm down to my last one and it finishes on Saturday. Been worried about how fucked my system is after all these since I've never been on antibiotics for this long, let alone five different ones (or even more than ONE), but I'm trying really hard to help out my gut microbiome. It's expensive but I've been having a kombucha basically everyday, and I've gotten some prebiotic sodas as well. Also I usually have a Greek yogurt everyday, and just am generally trying to eat well with lots of fiber and water.

Weight loss/fitness gains have been on pause during this, or technically even longer since the 10 days prior to all this was when I was in Costa Rica. Rest is good for all the fighting/healing my body has been doing with the quadfection though. When I got back I did lift a few times since I wanted to get back at it after the vacation and it was before the infections/antibiotics were getting piled on, but then I had a 2-week break from lifting until the day before yesterday. In between though I DID do a Zumba class, which was hard and I'm sure I looked like a fool but it was fun haha (gotta start somewhere!). The class was later in the evening so even though Zumba is popular, there were maybe only 10 people in that class, if that, so that was nice. I always need more cardio and just generally want to incorporate more complex/dynamic movement in my workouts because solely lifting can be kinda like tunnel vision for your muscles. I want more "real" movement, stuff you actually do in life, stuff that uses multiple body areas, etc.

Anyway, not feeling down on myself about the break or anything, my body needs it and it's been good to reassess things now that I've been a Gym Person for over 6 months. A little shake up might be good as I get back into things soon here. Even with the break, I've been trying to at least get in walks; I haven't been successful with my step goal most days and walking is just so good for everything... We're at the time of year where the season changes from day-to-day lol so when it's been nicer out I've been trying to jump on those days (rain is back now through the weekend though).

One thing I didn't even plan to work on but have just naturally fallen into since coming home is my sleep hygiene. Since Costa Rica is 2 hours ahead of my time zone, not only did I lose a couple hours of sleep, but everyday we were up somewhat early on top of that. And so when we got home, I woke up earlier than usual before work (i.e. not one minute before I'm supposed to log on lol), and I've just been keeping it going since then. I don't start work until 8:30am and I've now been waking up anywhere from 7am-8am. This is crazy for me since I've never been even close to a morning person, but the vacation gave me a bit of a leg up and I've just been riding the wave. I'm really enjoying the calm start before work, and going out and getting some morning sunlight in my backyard at least for a few minutes (Andrew Huberman fan here lol). I've even done some little dynamic warm-ups while getting that morning sun, like knee raises, jumping jacks, arm circles, etc. And all this sleep hygiene stuff means I've been going to bed earlier too.

Yesterday was really nice so I got out for a walk. The last year or so, I haven't been taking pictures as much on walks/hikes, mainly due to just trying to be in the moment. But I don't want to never take pictures again lol so yesterday I made a point to take a few. It's the wonderful time of year where everything is green and it makes me feel like we're in Scotland or something haha; albeit a nice summer day if it were Scotland. It's normal for Californian hills/fields to be "golden" for like 9 months of the year and it's even a symbol of the state, but I just love the green. 🥲 But yeah I specifically thought "I'm going to take pics to share with my fellow tumblerinas" so I was thinking of you guys when I took these. 😆😋

Bottom left is a plane-shaped kite and his idol, a real plane 🥺 lol

#mine #spring green

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the-greenery420 · 3 months

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1 Week of THCA with Huntington's Disease

So I've been a stoner for a long time, but primarily was smoking marijuana which is illegal here, luckily with more recent advancements with cannabis and legislature we have options here that are now just as effective. I was curious what would happen if I switched to pure THCA bud because the reason I smoke and have been smoking marijuana on and off since I was 8 was because at the time my dad said it would help with my ADHD (it did as well as my depression although I REALLY don't recommend giving it to an 8 year old lol, my dad was not exactly a "think things through" type of person though).

Over the years the constant fear that I'd get busted and sent to the pen for a completely non-violent "crime" really was hard on my mental health, and even though cannabis provided me with tremendous benefits, it was hard for me to enjoy the benefits with all the fear and anxiety from the possibility of getting locked up like a lot of my friends.

When CBD and Delta 8 got so big, I did experiment with Delta 8 but I felt like even though there was a benefit it wasn't quite "hitting the spot" where I needed to be to stop my tremors which have been getting worse from my neurodegenerative disease, I used it quite a bit at night to put me to sleep (especially edibles), and it did help more than not taking any form of THC but, I definitely needed something else.

I didn't want to take the reeeeeally synthetic forms of THC that they came out with just because I had experiences with K2 with my dad and was weary about anything blatantly synthetic (mainly because I can't know if there's going to be side-effects eventually), so I just stuck with Delta 8 even though it's a concentrate / isolate and you really have to check that the companies test them to make sure the solvents are gone.

I stumbled across THCA bud in the local headshop before it closed down recently, but it was 35$ for 7 grams so I figured I could find a better selection for cheaper online like I do with my kratom. I came across a distributor called JKDistro, and they have 1oz smalls for 50$ sometimes, best investment I ever made. Now I'm smoking in the morning and then some at night to wind down and within 1 week I've seen drastic improvements in basically every aspect of my life.

I'm not joking, it's as good as OG cannabis but now the fact I'm not always fearing the cops makes it so much easier to enjoy it. I like that I can go out on my porch and spark up a joint too since JK sends me a card to carry each time I get some bud from them so if I got stopped cops would know it's legal. Cops don't really care here anymore so much because of progress in legislation but it really helps me feel better.

Some of the biggest benefits I noticed from dosing in the morning and at night:

Sleep Quality

For people with Early Onset Dementia from diseases like mine, our brains can't shut down and typically we have a hard time going to sleep and staying asleep. I got to where I was only getting about 1-3 hours of sleep a night if at all before I started dosing like I am now. The first few days I literally slept (3 days nearly straight) and it was really nice because I know my body desperately needed the rest to heal. Now I'm sleeping 6-8 hours a night and that's literally amazing because I'm waking up feeling way better. A bit groggy sometimes if I smoke a bit too much or take too much cannabutter but, overall much better than I was feeling before.

Anxiety

Crazy enough I have an interview on Wednesday for a job in sales, funny thing is I HATE talking to people, especially on the phone. Once I started the THCA regimen I've gotten so much more talkative, relaxed, and social than I was. I am diagnosed with ASD, and the main way mine significantly limits me is communication and being anxious around strangers. It's amazing that I was able to get an interview and now I'm about to go back into the workforce for the first time in 12 years.

Depression

I have a big issue with getting really depressed (which apparently is very common among Alzheimer's and HD patients). Since I've been on the regimen, I've been a lot happier, more relaxed, less irritable. It's been really nice and I've felt myself smile a lot more. I know I'm a lot more pleasant to be around and I've not been near as emotional as usual.

Anger / Emotional Regulation

Once again, I have a real issue with emotional regulation. I think a lot of that goes back to ASD but then the HD doesn't help at all. I've been a lot more chill and more pleasant to be around. Not as irritable / fussy, and able to interact with people more patiently. I get frustrated usually pretty easily but I've been able to be more chill than usual which is nice. I'm also not "all over the place" as much, my mood swings are a lot better.

Pain / Inflammation / Soreness

I have a lot of issues with inflammation. On every test I get (blood test) it always shows my inflammation levels to be very high due to my body being full of a toxic protein called Huntingtin. This also causes pain in my joints sometimes and because my muscles are slowly deteriorating some they are sore a lot and I have to constantly work them out a lot to not lose muscle. I'm not in near as much pain as I was before I started up the THCA, which is huge because it's been freezing here and usually I can't get out of bed when it's this cold. My muscles aren't near as sore and I'm not near as stiff either.

Overall I feel like the THCA is doing me a lot of good, I'm excited to see where I am in a month or even a year. I have found it very useful for me. If y'all want to check out JKDistro and see if you can find something you like that would help you, you can use my link and get 20% off your purchase. They have great deals, and VERY good quality stuff. I literally swear by them, and I've been smoking for a VERY long time. You can click here and it'll take you with the link for a discount! I hope it helps you like it helped me!

#cannabis #cannacommunity #weed community #weedlife #weed culture #medical cannabis #cannalife #cannablr #cannabis community #ganja #thca #thca flower #medical conditions #huntingtonsdisease

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thejackofalltrades42069 · 11 months

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Become the hero (updated! version 2.0).

Image taken from the amazing TV series "Ping Pong the Animation".

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Intro.

This idea came to me mainly from watching Ping Pong the Animation (a short animated series), also from reading The Book of Five Rings.

One of the main themes’ in Ping Pong the Animation is about characters overcoming hard circumstances, finding meaning in life, and achieving things at the same time (this is just my personal interpretation for this post).

I'll talk about a way I thought that helps me overcome many things and stay motivated to keep working hard to achieve different things in life.

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*Note, the first time I wrote this post, I was thinking it was okay wanting to achieve too many things, BUT, at least for me, I found out it's not okay, because it's exhausting, I had stopped doing things that were more important for my health and for enjoying life in general.

Here's the updated post (:

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Context and example.

There are many moments in many people's lives where we think that life's way too hard and complicated, or when we think that achieving certain goal is impossible (like buying our own house or having a relationship that we like, that is functional, and that works in the long term). Most people are never able to overcome many difficult situations, they just stay in their comfort zone, other times, they simply don't have the means.

An example, many people's comfort zones include many addictions like consuming different stimulants through the day and on weekends, they consume them so much, that it affects their health in a negative way in the short and long term (things like medicine they don't need, supplements that are not needed either, alcohol, cannabis, other drugs, way too much caffeine, etc.).

Some other addictions and comfort zones include using social networks all day without much interaction with real people, some other addictions can range from someone's who's addicted to exercising and having a balanced diet (this can become a problem and an addiction too! I've experienced it) to some other people who just watch TV shows or play videogames way too much daily.

I'm not judging anyone, people can do whatever they want, the tendency of mankind is to do things that are easy and to stay in comfort, and we only live once. The problem about addictions is that we lose too much energy to those addictions that prevents us from having the energy to do other things.

Sometimes people are way too tired daily because they aren't sleeping well, they are using their cellphone too much, they have a really bad management of everything in general and waste a lot of time and energy, they have terrible diets, they're dehydrated, they don't exercise at all, they're spending all their energy on social media, they're addicted to drugs that end up consuming their energy (including alcohol), etc. It is important to solve these one by one (IMO), one step at a time if we want to achieve other things. We need to change our habits, and that is really hard.

For a specific example, in some moments of my life, I've had a really hard time sleeping, I know many people who do too, but instead of really trying to figure out the problem and finding long term solutions, most people look for the easy and fast way out, consuming a medicament or drug that will put them to sleep. Some others simply embrace the fact that they're going to be sleeping 4-6 hours every night and that's it, they just drink a bunch of coffee and stimulants during the day to be able to be somewhat functional. Both the easy way out with taking medicine and just sleeping less daily are not long term solutions and can be bad for health in the long term (unless of course, the medicine is diagnosed and needed).

If I have a couple of bad night's sleep, I can't really accomplish everything that I want to do on a daily basis because I'm tired, so I needed to fix that problem, it is always hard and it was really hard, but there's always a way to solve problems. I needed to change many of my habits and change things from my environment to have a better sleep, and for that I had to do a ton of reading, researching, and trial and error. I now know what I need to do to have a good night's sleep, it took me years to truly be able to achieve that, it was a lot of learning and experimentation (I won't go into detail, this is just an example, but I had to change many of my habits, my diet, my exercise, zero drugs, seeing sunlight early, no screens 30 minutes before sleeping, etc. I even made an appointment with a psychiatrist to see if the root of my sleep problem lies somewhere else, we'll see, but good habits help me sleep much better).

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How to become the hero.

When this idea about "becoming the hero" came to me, I was lying in bed having a hard time falling asleep, I was also thinking about the huge burden that my life has become with so many responsibilities and so many things that I want to do during my spare time (these include the relationship I have with my girlfriend, my new job, owning a small business besides my job, continue with the plan I've had for years to buy a house, the need to exercise, to have a healthy diet, wanting to learn new things, wanting to become good at my new job, wanting time to watch TV shows and play videogames, wanting to spend time with my friends, etc.).

I thought, how am I going to achieve all that? *note: I recently realized that wanting and trying to do all these things mentioned above is not realistic and it was making me feel stressed, I decided to quit wanting to do some things and take it easy with other things, just focusing on the most important and trying to have more chill and fun afternoons and weekends.

In perhaps what is a dumb and too optimistic way I remembered about Ping Pong the Animation and thought, "I need to become the hero", I must sleep well, exercise regularly, have a good management of many things in my life, have energy, stop wasting time on my cellphone, and do everything I need and want to do. This thought that I needed to become the hero gave me a lot of motivation and energy, and a good reason to keep doing everything that I do (of course, shortening and taking it easy with the list of things I mentioned earlier).

I noticed that I've spent about the last 8 years of my life learning new things on purpose that specifically have helped me have a better understanding about everything in general (things like psychology, philosophy and science), I've also been improving my habits and leaving many addictions behind, of course that I'm not perfect and I sometimes use social networks more than I would like to, sometimes I eat too much food for supper, or watch a TV show too late, and can't sleep well, but with the knowledge that I've acquired, I feel that I can overcome almost anything.

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Circling back to the beginning of the post, when a difficult situation appears, I suggest we try to solve it for good, we have a lot of information available, we can learn that information, we can do trial and error, we can always save some energy to learn new things and overcome anything (one tiny step at a time, I insist). And I don't mean this in a dumb and optimistic way, we can't always overcome cancer for example, but if we really try, if we find the right motivation and do things progressively, we can become the hero and overcome difficult situations, land on our feet, and become great at things.

Musashi wrote in his Book of Five Rings, and I completely agree that even if we "are not talented", we can work hard, and we will learn and become good at anything (we can't always become the best, but we can become great), we just need to find the correct way to do it, and do it progressively. In my case, I can say that in a lot of moments in my life I've met people that seem to be incredible talented at something, or really smart and knowledgeable. After working hard and learning more and more, I've noticed that I can be like that too, I can achieve that too, I just need to constantly work hard. After all, we are all just humans, and most of us really have the same capacity, but we're using it in different ways (many times in my opinion, we're wasting our capacity by spending a lot of time on TikTok, or spending too many hours on entertainment).

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Motivation and inspiration.

Staying motivated is a must, so find something that keeps you motivated and interested, if we just work hard always, our lives can lose meaning. No joke.

In my case, I've found that stories keep me going, they keep me interested and inspired (and I learn a lot from them), stories can come from TV shows, books, comic books, video games, so on. Practicing a sport is also a great thing that keeps me inspired, I've been playing ping pong often lately, it's great.

Going out and talking to friends or people I meet is also a great activity for this purpose.

My suggestion is to find something, and activity, a hobby that keeps you interested in life and that motivates you to do things that are hard (like work). That's up to you to find. But, limit the time you dedicate to whatever keeps you inspired, it's really easy to be addicted and to spend way too much time doing that activity, it will drain all your energy, even if you have time left daily to do things, you won't have any energy left.

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A few last notes

When we don't like our jobs and don't accept that we have to do certain things and just keep procrastinating certain tasks, we create stress and anxiety upon ourselves, becoming the hero includes accepting that you have to do whatever you need to do, and doing it without distractions that drain your energy (if a job is too awful, it's a good idea to switch jobs of course). Doing this during your job and finding satisfaction by doing certain tasks at the job is good for our dopamine system which is tied to our motivation and energy. What is terrible for example is, when we keep looking at our cellphones often or during short breaks, we completely ruin this dopamine/ energy system and just lose a lot of energy for the rest of the day (familiar with the social media burnout?).

One habit that's really important is our energy management, really learning what consumes our energy, and not wasting energy on things that at the end of the day will be pointless.

Another habit that's related to everything in general is to learn better management, for example, not consuming too much time cooking daily, finding a way to eat healthy, not spending too much money on food, and perhaps cooking 2 days a week and freezing food in food containers for different days of the week.

Another management tip is to stop trying to solve issues as they show up, we should take a note and make time to solve them later.

Making lists helps, for example, when we run out of some food from our kitchen, making a note, and then having a list for the sole day of the week we're going to the supermarket (or for the day that we're ordering it online), avoiding going twice a week to the supermarket and to other places we don't need to go saves a lot of time, going to the supermarket early during the weekend can also save a lot of time (no people).

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Conclusion.

Learning, practicing, working hard, making good habits, dropping bad habits, becoming more versatile, limiting ourselves with stimulants, drugs, and leisure activities, having a hobby that keeps us interested in life, learning to like and accept or change our jobs, and so on, these are all the things that together mean "become the hero" (for the use of this post lol).

It's a really hard thing to accomplish, there are way too many limitations, distractions, addictions in life that will get in the way, but, we can try.

Achieving just a part of our goals is better than nothing at all, it's completely fine if we don't achieve everything we want to achieve. It's okay to take things easy, actually that's best, but work progressivly toward your goals.

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somethingboutlife · 2 years

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Day in life of the barely functioning #1

Scrolling through social media, mainly Facebook, TikTok, instagram, we have all these glamorous "day in the life of..", and even though not being perfect has become very modern, I still feel like im barely functioning in comparison. Im very aware that social media life is not real life, of course, but where's the norm? And where am I? Since I'm barely function in comparison to the "normal" individual, I cannot mirror myself, and it leaves me feeling anxious and vulnerable. Therefore, im gonna make some updates of a day in the life of a barely functioning individual. And im gonna pray to god that nobody IRL finds this and realise that I don't function. And maybe, someday, I'll make a post where I am indeed functioning in comparison to now.

9 am: I woke up, after sleeping for about 11-12 hours. I went to a party and got drunk friday, the hungover seemed endless, but it was mostly gone today. I stayed in bed for about an hour and got up, made some coffee and ate some fruit.

12 am: I started doing my assignment for school, its almost 7 pm now and I'm still not done. I really like my study, but its also very difficult and time consuming.

4 pm: I took a shower, and made a snack pot, had my last cup of coffee since im caffeine sensitive and cannot fall asleep if I've had too much coffee

6 pm: I boiled some eggs and ate them with rye bred, had a pepsi max.

I've been spending all day in bed, but I'm a good place mentally today. I'm anxious about tomorrow because I have to go to class, but hopefully I'll be too tired in the morning to realise that, and just get it done.

#a day in the life #mental health

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boltedfruit · 2 years

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Today was my one month hysterectomy post op! If you are also ftm and wanting to know what the process was like, this is that post.

So for context: I'm 28, came out at 26 which is also when I started hormones. The month I turned 27 I got my top surgery (double incision). This is only relevant because I compare the two experiences. (Top surgery was worse recovery-wise for me.) I also live in California and went through insurance.

Pre op: So pre op was normal. They took my blood, added anti-nausea medicine to my IV antibiotic drip, because I specifically asked for it. When I got my top surgery I threw up once about an hour after I got home, which I was very nauseous for. Any type of abdominal surgery is it only made worse when your body is squishing itself together to throw up otl. But thankfully I had zero nausea or vomiting this time post op. So if you're like me, ask for anti-nausea meds before surgery. They also shave basically from your chest down to your suprapubic area.

What I had: I had a laparoscopic robotic total hysterectomy, where they removed my uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes, and my left ovary. I kept my right one for future bone health and any future egg harvesting if I ever want to do reverse IVF. I also don't have a family history of ovarian cancer, so that was a big deciding factor for me too.

Right after surgery: Where my top surgery took 6 hours and was generally a flippant experience by the staff, this surgery took around 2.5 hours and the staff was great. The only thing I didn't like was a nurse assumed I was diabetic for some reason and put me on a no food diet outside of jello. I stayed overnight and nobody would listen to me insisting I wasn't diabetic and wouldn't get clearance from the doctor until over 24 hours since I last ate. My doctor told me the next morning I should have had a no restriction diet, and eating normally after a robotic hysterectomy was totally normal and encouraged.

Post op bleeding and tw: I've seen other stories and vlogs of people who have had the same procedure done and explain how the nurses didn't help them move around or go to the bathroom, or in one really shocking case let the patient walk a trail of blood from the cervical sutures from his bed to the bathroom. I was worried about that, but after my experience I wonder if that wasn't just a new or uncaring nurse or half assed suture job. My experience was I hardly bled the entire post op. I had very heavy clotting periods before I started hrt, and had one mild instance where basically a pad was used. But all other bleeding was just light spotting. I also had healthy organs and have never been pregnant so that is a factor I'm assuming as well. But if you are worried, ask your surgeon what type of suture/stitch they plan on using and how that affects any expected bleeding. Even ask them to show you how they do it. You should not be pouring blood after surgery.

I was discharged around noon the day after surgery and I had to walk up stairs to get to my apartment. That was fine, this surgery didn't leave me off my feet like my top surgery had.

At home recovery went well. I propped myself up in bed and sleeping was slightly awkward but nowhere near as awkward as sleeping with top surgery drains was. The first five or six days post op it was hard to stand all the way straightened up, there was an internal pull, which was mainly on my left side, so I'm assuming for me it was because that side had more things removed. Laying on either side was hard until about a week and a half post op. At a day shy of two weeks post op I felt completely normal again. I also was cleared to take baths again.

I had four incisions, one of each side of my belly button and one in my belly button. But I still don't know where the fourth is, and the nurses at the hospital couldn't find it either?? So we were all like idk man. Honestly the one in the belly button is the hardest because (for me at least) with weight and a roll you just have a hard time keeping the area dry after an incision is left there. I'm 5’4 and weight 198lbs, and the way I hold weight it's not like I have a lot of folds of skin, but it was an awkward spot. My surgeon closed the incisions with internal stitches and skin glue. And around a week that glue came off, so to stop seepage I just used medical tape and a square of gauze over my belly button and changed it frequently throughout the day. It's nowhere near as bad as dealing with top surgery drains though.

At a month post op I've been cleared for everything except like power lifting until six weeks, which I don't do anyway. Compared to top surgery, having a total hysterectomy robotically was a breeze. I wasn't even told to limit sodium intake, so idk if that's a thing across the board when it comes to hysterectomies or just in my case. But nothing beats sausage after having like half a pound of jello cups.

My next step is meta, which I found out I got approved for, so I hope to get that done soon.

If anyone has questions about a part of the process, even if it's really TMI or not, I'm happy to answer!

#ftm hysterectomy #hysterectomy #laparoscopic hysterectomy #transgender #transgender hysterectomy

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skz317cb97 · 2 years

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I was tagged by the sweetest @svintsandghosts

Name: ooo name drop! I go by Cal on here but my name is actually Callan!

Sign: Gemini (May)

Height: 5'5"

Time: 8:38pm

Favorite band/artist: literally I ONLY listen to Stray Kids and 3racha right now because I'm a neurodivergent mess. I like music that makes you think and feel so Willow Smith is one I used to listen to a lot and Childish Gambino... stuff like that is what I lean towards. Maybe threw in some Otep every now and then when I felt like screaming.

Last movie: ooooo... I don't watch much TV... uhhhh... lets see I watched American History X again not that long ago.

Last show: gahh... umm... Shameless maybe? Or Sherlock or The Tudors I can't remember I seriously NEVER watch TV anymore.

When did I create this blog: a couple/few months ago

What do I post about: Mainly Stray Kids fuckery and fics, an occasional ask/tag game that's about it like this.

Other blogs: Yea my original blog. I've had it for YEARS and reblogged from all different kinds of fandoms and even wrote some Supernatural fan fic 🙈 but I really don't get on there much these days. I just check it from time to time for messages from friends.

Do I get asks: sometimes, not a lot but always love the ones I get!

Average hours of sleep: ooo I have bouts of insomnia so this varies wildly between 3-6 depending on the day and my brain.

Dream job: Honesty anything artistic/creative. Painting, writing etc. I do hair and that's creative and fun but I'd like to do the art part with out the people lmao!

Dream vacation: any place like South Korea, Vietnam, Japan. I want to eat my body weight in authentic Asian cuisine and learn about their culture and traditions!

Favorite song: right now it's 3racha's Peer Pressure or +.-

I'm bad at tagging! If you wanna do it go nuts and tag me so I can see your answers!

#not stray kids #not skz #skz317cb97 #cal 🖤

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speakingagain · 3 months

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So I got that Shadow Work journal that's all over tiktok, but I got it like 6 months ago and then lost it till last week. I'm good at doing that.

Anyways, i did a few of the first exercises in the book and it asked about things from my childhood that still upset or make me angry. And as I filled out a few pages worth, I realized that I'm mad over something I had no control of from when I was like 6 years old. If I do my math right at 2:30 in the morning, that's 16 years. No. Wait...18? Hold up. 24-6.....18 years. Yeah. Okay, I was close.

Eighteen freaking years of being pissed off. That's shit that you would hear from the grumpy old man dying from liver failure would say. Not a 24 year old. That's a lot of hate to hold onto. And I had several pages of shit I'm still upset about.

I would never have considered myself to be an angry person. Ever. But my examples of "angry people" has been pretty... extreme. My sperm donor (father) is a very angry person. He always has been. I remember we came home one time from getting groceries and he threw a frozen solid box of lasagna at the family dog because it pooped inside because we had been gone for hours and had no way to get outside.

That was one of his calmer episodes too.

My little brother (step that technically doesn't count) used to run around screaming and breaking things because he wouldn't get his way. He once got so mad over something when he got picked up from the bus stop that he burst a blood vessel in his nose and had a really bad bloody nose. I didn't think that was actually possible, I thought it only happened to horny teenage boys in anime.

My soon to be ex husband has the emotional regulation skills of a toddler. He used to boast about how he put another kid's head through a window because they made fun of his sister. Or when his mom's car (that we had been using while she was out of town) got repo-ed, I was on the non emergency line too figure out what happened to the car and he came in screaming and breaking things. The woman on the other line asked if I needed help. That was when I first realized I was experiencing domestic abuse but I thought it was just a moment of weakness and her could change and I loved him so much that I would stand by him through these trials. "But Daddy, I love him!" Right? Yeah I know.

Anyways, that kind of thing was always normal for me. That's what I used to think of when they said 'angry person'.

But that's me. I am the angry person.

Now granted, I never hit anyone, or broke someone's stuff or anything like that. But that's honestly just kind of the bare minimum for being able to regulate your emotions. And I don't want to be angry. I hate being angry. It's so much effort. So I made a plan to work on forgiving.

First, I wanted to learn more about what it actually means to forgive. My father always told me that "God wants us to forgive and forget." And that never made sense to me because of someone hurts you, why would you forget they did it and just let them do it again? Turns out he's actually just a manipulative asshole, who knew?

My ex, when I would call him on his bullshit used to ask me, "how long are you going to hold that against me?" (My favorite was when he asked if we could take turns sleeping on the couch after I found out he was cheating on me for the last 2 years and I laughed and told him 'fuck no'. He genuinely couldn't understand why I would disagree to that, so I told him, "because I wasn't the one who couldn't keep it in my pants". He left the house for an hour and came back pouting.) He also was a manipulative asshole but he was also really bad at it. But him always asking this made me question what the difference is between holding someone accountable and holding a grudge and learning from the pain they caused you.

So I've been doing some research. And there's a lot of differences of opinions on the topic of forgiveness. Mainly between the religious definitions and the basic definition I found in Webster's dictionary. And then there's the psychologic mumbo jumbo to understand too. I actually haven't come up with a solid answer on when it crosses the boundary between remembering and learning from the pain to holding a grudge.

And I imagine I will get probably the same confusing answers if I ask those around me. Everyone has different beliefs and experiences so no one will have the same opinion on it. I'm wondering if it is a subjective concept, and it will have to be something I can only judge in the moment.

Or maybe I'm just still feeling the effects of being manipulated over it. Who knows?

The next step for figuring out how to forgive and move on is to look at things I need to forgive, and figure out if I need to forgive them, or forgive myself. So, I made a shit list.

So far, I have a few people on it because I kept falling asleep while writing it (shh don't tell my boss). I plan on adding more once I have more of a decent brain process and more than 3 hours of sleep.

I had three columns:

Who?

Did what?

Why should I forgive?

And it was really kind of cathartic and eye opening to write down things like "I deserve to be happy." "I deserve to be safe." "I deserve to be seen and heard." " I deserve to be healthy. " My 'Ah-ha!' moment or my 'oh shit' moment I guess.

I now need to decide how I'm going to get myself closure. For example, I can talk to my mom and tell her that her making comments about how much I eat makes me feel like shit and that some things just don't need to be said. But I'm not going to reach out to my sperm donor and say "hey, remember when you called me a wh**e because I wouldn't let you hold my hand?....the fuck you mean no? I moved out that night????" I'd get no closure and I'd probably just end up more pissed off than I am now.

It would be a waste of my time and effort and quite frankly, it would be like talking to a really dumb brick wall. So what else could I do?

Kick him in the shin? That's called assault and I wouldn't make it in jail.

Make a voodoo doll of him and have someone else kick him in the shin? While that sounds hilarious, I don't know any voodoo and I ain't messing with the shadow man.

So maybe I'll just write out a long ass letter and light it on fire while screaming "suck my dick" into the abyss. Seems cathartic enough? I dunno, that one may also require years of therapy. But we will get there eventually. Hopefully.

Any suggestions?

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pearlsofthec · 4 months

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hi girl i really need to vent to someone about this… im currently in my first year of college and i’m taking a bachelor that i really love and feel like it’s meant for me. but nevertheless i struggle to bring myself to study - im a very lazy person and i feel like i do my best only under pressure. but that gives me so much stress and its not healthy to my body. i know that laziness is my weak point but sometimes i feel guilty about not studying because “im not feeling it” and i always have to rush myself.

whats your experience with uni? do you have any advice for me? thank you feel free not to respond if you dont feel like it ❤️❤️❤️

Hii I'm glad you sent me this message because I honestly go through the same procrastination rabbit hole during exams seasons, and even though I don't know if I can offer you a solution, I can at least say I totally understand where you're coming from!

I'm not exactly cured from this, but a few things have helped me work through it, and I'm gonna share them with the hopes they could help you too! SO, first of all, although it may sound completely unrelated, changing my diet actually increased my focus so so much. Last year, my diet consisted mainly of carbs, bad, easy to get carbs, which not only end up making you look unhealthy, but also feel sluggish. I knew how eating would always make me feel sleepy, so I would just postergate having any as much as I could, drink a lot of caffeine, eat a completely unbalanced dinner and sleep almost immediately. In theory that sounds somewhat practical, but when I tell you I could not focus or be productive at all while doing this crazy routine I mean it. Staying consistent in your work also means staying consistent in other parts of your life, so I definitely would recommend working out your health routine in coordination of your study routine! I wrote about the food situation, but that alone would have made a fraction of the difference I've felt having solved both that problem and organizing a consistent physical activity schedule (I do 1h of pilates/ yoga 4-6 times a week!).

I also had to get in my head that there will never be a perfect time to study. I'll never feel like studying, I'll never be in the mood to read a book about the conservation of architecture or do three hours worth of physics exercises, so I stimulate myself with the thought that though there is no perfect moment, this could be the as perfect as it gets moment, and just force myself to do it. I think more than anything, it's important not to fall into the trap of only working when you feel motivated, and create a work routine that's tied to your habits. There's this portuguese saying my mom always tells me "The "perfect" is the "good"'s enemy", and though it may sound crazy, it kind of makes sense... sometimes you procrastinate so much trying to achieve perfection, that you forget that a good result, is far more valuable than a well intentioned unfinished one.

There are probably more things, but I think I've already bored you enough! I'm sure you're gonna get there, let me know <3

#asks

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lfemmerunn · 7 months

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Actual weight loss tips

There's a difference between hunger and boredom.

Ayo I've been there, a teen in the early 2010s desperately trying to be super thin. Nothing seemed to work; thru to my early 20s, tried keto, excessively working out, caloric restriction, coffee, adderall, phentermine (sent me to the hospital), no sleep, IF, nothing seemed to last or even work that well (except adderall).

Now as a woman in my almost mid-20s, I'm much skinnier than I was when I was 17. BMI is currently 17, and I'm pretty happy where I am. I'm healthy, energetic, high-functioning overall, and more confident about my physical appearance than I was back then. I don't exercise at all, either.

SKIP MY SHIT, WHERE'S THE ADVICE?

So, what did I do? The key is to stop being neurotic and letting your body gradually adjust. I cut out birth control, those fucking seed oils, coffee, and carbs. I get at least 6 hours of sleep a night, never more than 8. I'd recommend a glass of red wine a day, but only if you have a healthy relationship with alcohol (I do not). Also, I took Black Seed Oil pills (Nigella sativa) for a week, and IT IS A MIRACLE PLANT it completely reset my system.

Why BC: I started taking it because I had extremely painful periods. Turns out, they become less painful when your diet isn't shit. If you wanna gain weight fast, I recommend you just keep taking it. If you wanna almost die, take phentermine too. That's a power combo ri' thurr

Why seed oils: this guy can explain it better than I https://reallytanman.substack.com/

Why coffee: Caffeine increases cortisol, increasing insulin, promoting weight gain.

Why carbs: Increases insulin resistance, promoting weight gain.

Nigella sativa: Reduces insulin resistance, non-addictive, natural, your body will know when it doesn't need it anymore. Tanman has a really good article against it as well, if you're willing to do your own research (which you should be doing anyways).

Note: THIS IS HABIT FOR ME, IT DOES NOT NEUROTICALLY CONSUME MY THOUGHTS, AND IF YOU FEEL OTHERWISE, YOU SHOULD DO SOME SELF-REFLECTION, IT AINT HEALTHY (not in a bitchy tone).

I eat once-twice daily, never before 11 am or after 10 pm, drink mainly sparkling water, eat mainly butter and meat, cook my own food. I commute to work a few hours a day and walk up several flights of stairs multiple times a day, so I'd put my lifestyle at moderately sedentary. I don't count calories or snack during the day either.

When I really crave something bad, I try to eat fruit, but if I'm really craving something else, I'll try to find a bakery-type snack that contains sugar instead of some shady substitute, and avoid chips and anything carby as much as possible. That being said I absolutely will eat shit once in a while because I feel like it.

#weight loss #tw ana shit #food #weight loss diet #tw ed diet

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bylightofdawn · 1 year

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Guess whose body punked her and decided to take up at like 6:30 and then refused to go to sleep?

This chick.

Oh and NOW I am feeling exhausted and wanting to go to sleep but I have to stay awake now because I made plans to be at mom's in like 3 hours.

Realistically I could sleep till noon and then rush to shower, get ready and prolly get there in time but my hair prolly won't dry in time and I wanted to play around with it.

I'm to that experimental phase when o wash day I just throw a bunch of shit in my hair and struggle bus trying to make it actually do something I want it to do.

I've tried pomades, and sculpting putty, today I went out and got2be glued wax which is supposed to be a 'spiking wax' hoping I would get some actual volume in my crown.

Ya'll that shit is hot garbage. My hair took one look at it and laughed it into oblivion. I have some expensive ass Kenra texturing spray, this bullshit wax, MOUSSE in my hair and I can't get any lift.

My hair is so damn thick and heavy it's just...frustrating. I think I need to invest in a hair dryer but I don't want to start that damaging cycle on my hair by using hot tools.

And I'm SURE it's not the product's fault, it's me. I don't now how use them because I've always ignored my hair and let it do its own thing. Mainly because it's so thick volume-wise that it will not be tamed by mortal man. The texture is fine there's just A LOT OF IT. Every hairdresser I go to is like "Damn that's a lot of hair" and I always ask them to thin it out with thinning shears. I don't know if the chick who cut my hair used any even though I think we had that conversation. Do I just take the risk and purchase thinning shears and see if I can thin it out myself? How badly could I really fuck it up? It's just gonna...cut random bits right?

She says before she becomes an example laughable enough to be featured on a Brad Mondo reacts video on YT

Though I stand by that 'wax' being hot garbage. It legit wasn't even firm. It was like a cream.

I just checked in on my hair and it's not magically improved in the past ten minutes. I do have volume in the front because I did a deep part comb-over which is to be expected. But literally, no texture or lift in my crown at all.

I'm going to shower, pray my hair dries in two hours so I can try and maybe do something with a straightening iron.

EDIT: Circling back to this for a hot second to ramble further now that I've spent my shower thinking about my frustrating lack of ability to do basic shit like style my hair. I spent the first let's say 30 years of my life just coasting. I was always a bit of a tomboy. I rejected femininity in a lot of ways and was blessed with great skin, passable looks and hair that doesn't look bad even if I never did anything more than braid or put it up in a ponytail. I never DID the girly things teenage girls do like really play with makeup or do my nails or learn how to do shit with my hair.

I've always been blessed with a sort of 'take me as I am or not, I don't fucking care' confidence in my looks which is HILARIOUS since I'm a neurotic mess in near all other parts of my life. I don't even know if I would label it as confidence but more apathy. I just gave zero fucks what people thought of how I looked. I also have zero fashion sense which will surprise exactly no one. Jeans and solid colored t-shirts and sandals is my go to look. Drove my mother insane and she's legit given up on me when it comes to fashion.

So I reach my 30's, chopped my hair off and for the first time in my life and kinda went through a mini-transformative phase in my life. I stopped rejecting my femininity. Started with teaching myself to use makeup because I was annoyed my eye looks kept looking like shit.

I applied myself, invested in actual makeup, and went through a real beauty guru phase. Then I was like I am sick of not being able to paint my nails for shit. So I made the decision that I was going to buckle down and teach myself how to paint my nails/actually try and take care of my nails etc. Genetics kinda fucked me hard in that regard, I have super brittle nails prone to like thinning at the ends and then they just snap off. So I will never have that long nail fantasy life and I've made peace with that. Long nails are kinda a pain in the ass anyway. I did start taking hair skin nail supplements and it's helped a little with my nail breakage but point is, I'm taking action to try and improve something I am displeased with myself about.

This is perhaps one of my best and worst traits. If I find I lack the knowledge or skill to do something and it annoys me enough I will move heaven and earth to fix that gap in my knowledge base. I despise my own personal ignorance and constantly seek to improve upon it. I don't give two fucks about other people's ignorance unless it's like overt and toxic. Yes I will get annoyed watching people repeat their same mistakes knowing they just need to change their approach to the problem but it's their journey to figure that shit out and I have my own shit to concentrate on.

HOWEVER when it comes to me? Must be eradicated if at all possible. It's great at times but let me tell you it's a fucking burden I would not wish upon anyone else.

My long, bloviated point being my hair has become my new 'I will fucking conquer this conceived weakness/gap in my knowledge base and I will learn to tame you' mission.

And I will succeed at this because when I set my mind to something I plow forward with all the big damn Capricorn energy until I reach my goals.

-eyes the 100K fanfic she's written in 3 months- Yeah maybe that's why I went so hard these past three months now that I'm thinking about it.

#the life and times of exhausted el continues #may she ride eternal into the sunset begging for the release of death #or a damn nap #this post now brought to you by big cap energy #and el making a promise to herself to fucking tame her hair no matter the cost apparently.

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in-superbloom · 3 years

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did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? (a.i.)

right where you left me: prologue

pairing: ashton irwin x olivia jones (oc)

warnings: uhh a kinda grieving theme i guess? but no deaths. it has a sad tone overall, but nothing major (in this chapter hehe). foul language because i can't help myself. the tiniest mention of alcohol, but as a memory. think i should probably warn you that this contains a very sad ash. also not much dialogues. this is mainly for explanation and introduction, but very important for the story. if you find anything else that might be triggering, please let me know so i can add it here !!

author's note: oof okay. so. this is the prologue of a series very very dear to my heart that i've been working on for what it feels like my whole life but really it's been just a few months. but i'm in love with the story (which rarely happens with my own writing) so i hope you can enjoy it too !! this is also my very first time posting a fic since 2013 so pls keep that in mind <3 no i am not shaking as type this ofc not also: although i have the full story ready in my head, this is the only chapter that's written. i wanted to wait until i had at least a few ready before posting this but i'm too anxious for that lmao just saying this bc it will take a good while until i have any more chapters, so <3 (p.s.: i went over this thing a million times since may so if you find any errors pls look away, i'm not fixing this thing anymore. thanks <3)

another note: anna from the future here to say that i completely forgot about the playlist i made for the story lmao here it is in case you're interested k thanks bye <3

credits: title is from taylor swift's song right where you left me. model in the picture: paola locatelli. banner by me.

i also wanted to take a minute to thank some really nice friends that i've made here over these past few months & that i'm extremely grateful for @wastelandcth @suchalonelysunflower @littledrummerangie i cannot thank you babes enough for inspiring me the way that you do & for letting me yell about this to you && for encouraging me so much 🥺 i'll never be able to explain just how much this means to me, so i'll have to settle for saying thank you at any change that i can get <3 i love you all 💜 also gem my baby, thank you for the inspo with the banner 💚

@bluesdelis look babe i did it 😌 you know how grateful i am for you & for you letting me have a breakdown every week about my writing for the past 8 years so let's not dive into that or else i will write something bigger than this prologue jsjsjdjd love you 🖤

i hope you all have a good reading and a nice day ♡

let me know what are your thoughts about the fic ! ♡

word count: 4.1k

☆☆☆

Cold. That was the first thing that Olivia’s brain processed.

Still with her eyes closed, she buried herself more into the duvet, while her arm blindly reached for the furnace in human form that she calls boyfriend. However, as soon as her arm was only met with cold sheets, her eyes shot open.

Blinking the sleep away, she sat up on the bed, searching for the infamous red clock resting on Ashton’s bedside table that was supposed to look like a vintage alarm clock. Olivia had ordered it online at an auction website a couple of years back, as a gift for his 23rd birthday, since it was something he had mentioned multiple times prior that he was looking for, but still hadn't found. But when it finally came in (two weeks after the due date), it looked nothing like the picture she saw on the website. Feeling beyond frustrated, she wanted to send it back immediately and ask for a refund and maybe leave a not so polite review on the seller's page. But Ashton stopped her right away, laughing like the situation was absolutely hilarious to him, while saying, 'I like it, it’s quirky'. So, the clock stayed and found a home right next to him in their room.

Some days, however, she would wake up at some ungodly hour because of the blaring noise of the only ringtone the clock had. But whatever annoyance she could feel towards the object, it always vanished as soon as she felt Ashton's lips gently touching her face in a good morning kiss before he would get up to start his day, leaving her to catch some more hours of well deserved sleep.

As the furthest from a morning person as a touring musician could possibly be, Olivia had always feared that living under the same roof as Ashton would turn her into an early bird like him, but she's thankful that it never happened (not that he needs to know about that).

When she sees the red clock, she smiles at the sudden but welcome memories of them flooding her foggy brain, but frowns slightly when she realizes it reads 12:13 pm. Ashton rarely lets her sleep past 10 am.

Gathering all her strength and will, she rises up from the bed, smoothly picking up a grey wool sweatshirt from the chair (way too baggy on her slim body, but it smells like him), pulling it over her head and relishing on the soft material warming up her body. Making her way to the door and calmly going down the stairs, she can’t help but stop for a minute to admire the picture frames on their walls, one in particular catches her attention – probably one of the most prized pictures and memories they had. It felt older than it actually is, but it was around 4 years ago, she's sure – a little while after the two of them met. The picture was of their group of friends that still remains the same: Ashton and his best friend, Luke; Olivia, her best friend, Calum and their old hometown friend, turned into Calum’s new friend at college, turned into everyone’s friend, Michael; and her then newly band members, Suki, Eli and Ravi. Together, their group was the life of the party through all their college years, and it showed by the big smiles and drinks in hands they all had in the picture. It was a very special night, the first time Olivia’s little band played for the public – for a small audience sure, but it was a wonderful night nonetheless. What a long road it had been since that night.

Her nostalgic thoughts were interrupted by a shiver that went through her whole body, and it made her realize how oddly cold the whole house was, not only their bedroom. Which, granted, it was November in New York and the weather was just getting colder, but that’s exactly why Ashton always made sure to keep the house warm enough. As much as she loved the chilly season, the warm weather always reminded him of his hometown, and who was she to deny him that?

The smell of fresh made coffee could be sensed even before she reached the kitchen. Arriving there, the curly haired woman still found no signs of her boyfriend, so she went straight after the coffee maker pot sitting on the far left corner of the cream marble counter. Smiling softly at the tons of memories of Ashton's sleepy figure making their favorite beverage, she reached for a coffee mug on the cupboard on top of the counter and poured the remainder of the hot liquid on it (it's her favorite mug, if she must choose – it was a gift from a fan, and it had printed on it a collage of the pictures of her and Ashton that were posted on social media through their first year of relationship).

Moving to the glass doors that lead to the mini garden they cultivate, she didn't have to open them to spot the 6-feet-tall man sitting on a bench outside, looking oddly small in his oversized clothes, coffee mug tightly held between strong hands. Something about his figure made Olivia frown, however: he was staring with an unwavering look at her small but eye-catching pot of yellow daffodils that were almost as much of a pet to them as Stitch at this point. Sensing that there’s something definitely off about his semblance, she made a mental note to talk to him and find out what’s wrong later. So she goes back to the kitchen, knowing that he might need this quiet and private moment for himself.

She lost count of the minutes that went by (couldn't have been more than five) before she hears the garden's door opening and closing, and then his bare feet are dragging his brawny body to her. Except, he goes over to the sink, walking right through her, not showing any sign that he even saw her hunched figure over the counter table in the middle of the room.

Alright, someone's in a mood.

Olivia tries to swallow the annoyance already bubbling inside her – he knows how much she hates to be ignored, no matter how mad he might be – by trying to think of what she can say that won't piss him off. This is always a hard feat to accomplish when Ashton gets in these moods, but there’s a reason for them to work so well together.

“I missed my favorite body heater when I woke up,” she says in her best sweet voice, knowing how quickly his resolve crumbles when he hears that voice.

Still, no reaction.

That settles a worry at the pit of her stomach, because Ashton is never like this. Even when he's not in the mood to talk, he always gives some kind of reaction to her words; it doesn't matter how small, just enough to make her feel acknowledged.

When he's finished washing his mug and the few scattered dishes across the sink – she noticed that he already had lunch, if the lone plate in the drying rack is anything to go by –, he dries his hand in a towel, turns around and throws it on top of the same counter Olivia was leaning up against. Once again, he walks away not even sparing her a look.

Indignant, she leaves the now empty coffee mug on top of the table and follows him as he walks up the stairs, any determination to not aggravate his mood now well gone.

“Hey! In case you didn't notice, I'm right here. Whatever got you in this sour mood, I'm certainly not to blame, so can you stop being a child now and talk to me?!”

Ashton just keeps walking – more like sluggishly dragging his body – until he reaches their bedroom and suddenly stops just merely two feet inside the room, looking around with vacant eyes; like he was expecting to see something that wasn't there.

“Okay, that's really mature of you. Are you planning on ignoring me all day then?” Olivia questions exasperated, staring angrily at the back of his neck, where the condor tattoo lives – her favorite of his, but that sight doesn't bring her any peace today like it usually does.

Her glare only breaks when she hears the familiar sound of dog tags swaying on her right side. Shifting her gaze to the direction of the sound, Olivia notices Stitch, their small, black & white French bulldog – who she thought was outside in the garden – slowly trudging his way from around the bed until he stops at Ashton's feet, looking up at one of his humans with sad eyes. That realization only makes the worry in her stomach grow uncomfortably.

“Hi buddy,” Ashton's voice cracks a bit from the lack of use, but he smiles softly at the sweet dog, and crouches down to pet him.

Olivia can't help but gasp as she notices three things all at once that leave her overwhelmed: first, how she didn't even notice Stitch was in the room when she woke up – which never ever happens, in fact, most days he wakes her up whenever he deems her bedtime as finished and can't ever contain his excitement when she finally gets up; second, how the windows blinds are closed, which, again, rarely occurs under their roof, not if Ashton can help it. And third, how sad and melancholic the whole scene in front of her is – how sad and melancholic Ashton is. Pointless to say by now – that's also a very rare occasion.

A chill creeps up Olivia's spine, putting her body into high alert and also serving as a reminder of how everything looks out of place today. Trying to keep her head from spiraling down way too soon, she wraps her arms around herself and crouches down beside her two favorite boys, trying once more.

“Ash? Can you hear me?” even with her throat closing, she softly asks, purposefully putting her face in Ashton's point of view. Her only answer is the low whispers he's letting out to Stitch, while cradling the tiny dog in his arms, spreading gentle kisses on his head.

“I know, bud, I know. I miss her too,” is the only whisper she could understand and immediately wishes she hadn't. The weak wail that comes from Stitch's throat seems to fit perfectly with how the three of them feel.

Ashton then looks up and for a couple of seconds, and Olivia can swear he’s staring right into her eyes. But when he shows no reaction, she knows he’s just staring ahead and not at her, with that look that says there’s too much going on inside his head. She feels the urge to embrace him and get him to talk about whatever is on his mind, so they can share that weight like they always do, but when Ashton gets up from the ground and settles on the bed with Stitch, Olivia can physically feel the crack in her heart caused by the feeling she’s left with.

While Ashton is pulling the duvet over him and the dog, with clearly no intentions of getting up anytime soon, Olivia stands up on her feet with a new-found determination – she needs to figure out what the hell is going on.

This nightmare had to be just that, right? Nothing but a very vivid dream – she's had those before. Scary sure, but they always go away, and soon enough she's back into Ashton's arms, with Stitch jumping on the bed ready to lick their faces off. She just needs to wake herself up from whatever fucked up dream this is – right?

She's running down the stairs this time, frantically in search of something, of what exactly, she doesn’t know – but she knows she needs an answer. The more she looks for something, the more desperate she gets, not knowing what to look for. Then suddenly, something catches her eyes.

The white and blue calendar that's held up by magnets on the side of the fridge. She knows their calendar is red and yellow. They got it from their favorite flower market. Slowly, as if scared of what it might be there – “It's just a calendar, for fucks sake” – she approaches the damn thing. Upon inspection, she deems it as a normal calendar – she really doesn't know what she was expecting – until.

She knows what's wrong with it now.

It's November. She knows it, because the Asian and last leg of her first world tour is about to begin November 21st, eleven days from today. Right after Mike's birthday, she knows this.

Then why does the calendar say today is January 14th?

☆ ☆ ☆

Ashton woke up with a jolt. He quickly sat up, frightening the little Frenchie that was asleep right next to him on the bed. Trying to make sense of his surroundings, he roughly rubbed his face to get some sleep off of it and soon reached for the dog that was staring at him with sleepy but sad eyes. Ashton is sure Stitch understands far more than a dog is supposed to understand about their current situation.

The room is covered in shadows, almost pitch black, but he can see the sunlight even through the thick dark grey blinds covering up the windows. Ashton knows he won't be able to sleep again at that moment, so he gets up from the bed – much slower than he used to. His heartbeat is still out of control because of the nightmare that woke him up, but he can't bother to pay attention to it when Stitch is softly wailing beside him. Ashton lets out a ghost of a smile when the dog rests his head on his right upper thigh, looking up at him with an expression Ashton knows all too well.

“C'mon you little ravenous creature, let's feed you,” the bulldog excitedly jumps to the ground, already running his way down the stairs, not even waiting for Ashton to get up.

That gets a real smile out of him, but it vanishes as soon as he glances at the alarm clock on his bedside table. It reads 5:13 am, nothing out of the ordinary for him. But that small and inoffensive clock, with its red paint peeling off, holds a lot of memories for him. Memories that two months ago would bring joy to his heart, but now he almost wants to throw the object across the room.

It was a stupid thing, really. He had been wanting a vintage alarm clock and Olivia got one for his birthday. But the product they received was definitely not the one she bought, and if he's being honest, he didn't like it as much as he made out to. But seeing her so excited in the weeks before it arrived, and how disappointed she was when it did, he couldn't help but try his best to make her smile that luminous smile again. It's part of his nature by now.

That's also the reason why he lets her think that he doesn't notice when she wakes up at some ungodly hour (her words, not his) along with him, because of the annoying and only sound the alarm clock is able to produce. He always leaves soft kisses in every inch of bare skin he can find on her sleeping figure, so she goes back to the dream land and doesn't wake up before 10 am. No one wants to deal with that kind of bad humor, not even him.

As much as he likes being a morning person and absolutely enjoys her company in the mornings, he knows she'll take any and every extra hour of sleep she can get before starting the day. And that's why he loves that she's so stubborn that his early bird tendencies never got to her – he knows she feared that this would happen when they moved in together, but he met her like this, fell for her like this. He wouldn't change a single thing about her.

Ashton drags himself out of the bed, wincing slightly at how cold the wooden floors are under his bare feet. He doesn't bother putting some socks on, or a sweater – the cold weather in the house is uncharacteristically comforting to him. Nothing feels warm without her anyway.

While descending the stairs, he mentally curses himself for not being strong enough to look past the picture frames on the wall. One in particular catches his eyes – a picture from the night of Olivia's first concert with her band. The memories of that night are still painfully vivid in his mind: the laughter among their group that eventually infected everyone at the pub, Suki and Luke's first kiss and the silly smile that didn't leave his best friend's face all night, the standing ovation Olivia got after her three-songs set, and her captivating and breathtaking smile that made him realize right then and there, while watching her sway to the music, that he was definitely falling in love with her and there was nothing he could do to stop it – not that he wanted to.

So many memories held up on that wall, in the relatively short time since they met, that he can't help but wonder if that's all they'll get in this lifetime.

Ashton is abruptly taken out of his thoughts by Stitch's barks coming from the bottom of the stairs. He quickly jogs down the few steps left and goes straight after the dog's food in the kitchen's cabinet. After Stitch starts to happily devour his breakfast, Ashton goes to make his coffee, doing enough for two people like he always does, since Calum drops by most days for a chat or to drop Duke before going to work. Although all three of them know he just can't bother to make food for himself in the morning, while Ashton is the group's elected chef. Ashton always says he just needs a boyfriend – Olivia says Calum already has one who makes him breakfast every day.

He grabs an apple from the fridge and makes his way outside to their garden. Even though a lot of their memories took place there, the garden is the only space in the house where he doesn't feel like suffocating all the time. At least here, he can breathe some fresh air and look at the sky when he's feeling overwhelmed – which is basically all he's been doing for about a month now.

Yet, a lot of the garden has Olivia's name written all over.

He remembers vividly the day she came home after spending two weeks in LA doing some pocket shows, with a pack of daffodil seeds and the largest smile. She excitedly told him that a friend gifted it to her when she mentioned the little garden they were planning to build together at their new house. The friend told Olivia that daffodils symbolize rebirth and new beginnings, so as the good lover of symbolism that she is, Olivia loved the idea of having those flowers to symbolize their new beginning.

Ashton, on the other hand, wasn't a fan of the flowers at first – he just didn't see the appeal to them. But nonetheless, he indulged her, letting Olivia plant the seeds near the bench they used to sit during the quiet and unrushed afternoons, so they could admire the sunset, and she could happily look at the daffodils.

Pointless to say – the damn flowers grew on him.

Now, however, looking at them without Olivia and her contagious joy next to him, they were back to be as dull as they were before, if not more so.

Still lost inside his head without any sense of how much time went by since he sat down, Ashton doesn't hear the front door closing, and doesn't notice that he's no longer the only person inside the house until someone sits next to him on the bench. Yet, he doesn't show any sign of acknowledgement to them.

A few minutes go by before either of them speaks up.

“Luke said you didn't go to see her yesterday,” Calum starts softly, not wanting to disturb the calmness of the morning.

Ashton takes a few seconds to respond, “No point in doing that.” The black haired man licks his lips while thinking carefully about his next words.

“You know staying inside this house all day by yourself won't help either,” Calum turns his head to his left and takes a good look at Ashton's uncharacteristically hunched over figure, and immediately thinks that anyone can tell this man is not himself anymore. His second thought is that Olivia would hate seeing him like this.

“And what exactly do you expect me to do? Move on with my life like nothing happened? Like I'm not slowly and painfully losing the love of my life? Just because it’s easy for you doesn't mean it's easy for me.”

Calum closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He knows Ashton doesn't mean it, it's the anger and frustration talking. He knows it. Doesn't make it sting any less.

“I'm not telling you to move on with your life, because that's far from what I'm doing, and I certainly don't expect you to do it. I'm just saying you need to occupy your mind or else–”

“I'll go insane? Think it's a bit too late for that,” Ashton interrupts with a bitter tone that doesn't belong to his usual chirpy voice.

“You know it's not,” Calum sighs and drinks the rest of his coffee, moving his body slightly, so he's facing the blonde man, “I got a job interview for you at that school you talked about so much last summer, the principal said you can go any day this week. I went ahead and sent her your resume as well as explained everything that she needs to know about Olivia, so you don't have to. You just gotta put on some decent clothes and show up.” he sees Ashton's face softening a little and takes it as a victory. A few beats go by and then, “Maybe take a shower too. That's gonna make you feel better.” Calum leans in closer to his friend's personal space and takes a sniff, causing Ashton to deflect from him slightly, but not to push him away – another small win.

“Definitely take a shower, you stink. When was the last time your hair saw shampoo?”

“Fuck off,” is Ashton's only reply to the younger man's inquest. But Calum can see a smile creeping up on the blonde's face, which brings out a smile of his own.

“I'll send you all the details later today,” he checks the hour on the watch on his wrist and gets up, “Just please, Ash, go. I can't lose you too.”

Calum gently lays a hand on Ashton's shoulder and squeezes a little. The man doesn't look up, but gives a curt nod to his friend, who's satisfied enough. Calum stops on the threshold of the garden glass doors to give some kisses to Stitch – who came to make Ashton company as soon as he finished his food –, and then he puts the coffee mug on the dishwater. And soon enough, he's on his way out of the door. But not before snatching a tangerine from the fridge.

Ashton is left by himself once again. As he hears the sound of the front door closing, he thinks that this might be his life from now on. Just him and Stitch, trying their hardest to make it through another miserable day without the love of their lives. While everyone else comes by just to make sure he's still breathing. Breathing, maybe, but alive?

Swallowing the tears, he looks up at the sky. It's a deep, beautiful mix of orange, pink and blue, but he knows that it won't last long and soon the rain will be pouring down. He thinks about how much Olivia loves the rain.

God, he needs to pull himself together. She would hate to see him like this. Maybe he should take Calum's offer after all, he really needs to occupy his mind.

Making a mental note to thank Calum later, and also to apologize for how rude he was to him this morning, Ashton slowly gets up from the bench to put his mug on the sink and makes his way to the living room, with the small dog loyally following his every step. He puts on some cartoon that for once doesn't remind him of her (she always lovingly made fun of him for still watching those) and cuddles with Stitch on the couch. He can take a shower later.

Not half an hour goes by, he falls asleep and has a good dream for a change. He dreams of the days he spent with Olivia in the Philippines last February, right before her first world tour started. Some of the most magical days of their lives – surrounded by delicious food, a whole new culture to learn about and the warmth of the sun. Infinite counted days full of love and passion, where they were the only people in the world.

Even his subconscious knows to hold on to that brief moment of happiness, because he might never live that again.

#anna writes #perhaps she does write after all #alright i'm gonna go hide somewhere now bye #ashton irwin fanfiction #ashton irwin fic #ashton 5sos #ashton irwin x oc #5sos fanfic #5sos fic #ashton irwin imagine #5 seconds of summer #5sos imagine #anna writes: rwylm

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