#my kingdom for some ADHD meds

[thebibliosphere]

Hm. I'm rereading something I wrote, and I can't decide if it's going to be infuriating for some readers, or if there will be more going "OH, same!"

Given that my readership is largely in the Autistic 🤝ADHD vampire fan club (Vlad), I'm hoping it'll be the latter, but it's still making me hesitate because it's not how people expect sex scenes to read.

Everything's usually boiled down to a laser-focused precision of sensations and evocative, heated language -- and that does eventually happen with this. You just have to get past Vlad's brain wandering around for a bit because while Nathan's doing a good job of getting his attention in the moment, he's not being consistent, and it's giving Vlad's brain time to wander. Like noticing that Nathan squints a bit when he reads. ("(Hyperopia, Vlad’s brain supplied helpfully before he could smother it.)") Or just generally having full-on conversations in his head in the downtimes between stimulation -- and by downtime, I mean the split second it takes for Nathan to grab something from the nightstand.

Another part of me worries people will think I'm playing to stereotypes or I'm hamming it up to be "quirky," but given my brain is the epitome of the "hyper 8-year-old boy who can't sit still shiny disorder" despite being a 36yo cis woman, I've pretty much resigned myself to some people calling Vlad a stereotype anyway.

A larger part of me just... kind of really wants to see this kind of thing in a sex scene. I want to see my own thought patterns and acknowledge that even when you're getting hot and heavy with someone -- arguably an act that should consume all of your attention -- you'll still find your mind wandering. You'll notice something out the corner of your eye and go, "fucking shit, laundry, do not forget, do not forget" (and then you'll forget), or you'll be about to go down on someone, and the dick joke your friend told you three months ago will pop into your head and suddenly you're snickering with no tactful way to explain it.

(This is another thing that I always think is sorely lacking in sex scenes. No one's messy. No one's laughing like an idiot because they just thumped their head into the headboard, or a joke just popped into their head. Or someone's body made a fart sound because there's lube in places and things are thrusting. Like, maybe it's me, maybe I'm weird, but I think those are the moments you can build real romance out of. Not necessarily erotica, because those things (supposedly) aren't sexy, but there's so much emotion you can show with partners who are able to laugh with each other in those moments. You can show so much love and reverence through the mundane it hurts.)

It'd just be nice, for once, to have the character be absolved of the guilt that often happens in those moments because you're supposed to be focusing on what is happening, and your idiot brain just won't shut up.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter too much. It's a short story I'm hoping to fling out at some point (as soon as my idiot brain shuts up and lets me finish it). But it feels more important than it actually is because it feels like I'm exposing a major part of my psyche. Like pinning down all the ugly parts of my brain that can't ever actually be pinned down, no matter how much I try.

idk. Words. Things. Stuff. I'm going to try and finish this and then see what I want to do with it.

#long post #writing #adhd writer #rambling with joy #my kingdom for some ADHD meds

[controlvariable]

myth's game writeup of 2023

i waited until the new year to finish this in case i managed to beat a game during december. i did not. ANYWAY.

this will contain new games as well as games i only got around to in 2023. light on spoilers but be warned

Octopath Traveler II (2023)

as far as i remember, this was the first new game I played this year, and god did it deliver. I've been a fan of octopath since the first one came out on switch in 2018, counting it as my favorite game of all time, so to have a sequel after all this time was thrilling. it did almost everything octopath 1 did and better. new path actions, day/night system, branching stories, fucking boats?? incredible.

my biggest gripe has to be the new hidden classes. I started with throne so getting inventor 10 minutes after my chapter one did definitely fuck up the progression a little bit. I think I preferred ot1 hidden classes. while the dungeons were underwhelming, the boss battles really make you fight for these secret techniques, something absent in 3 out of the 4 hidden classes of octopath 2.

overall: 4/5 BP.

Xenoblade Chronicles 3: Future Redeemed (2023)

xenoblade 3 as the end of the klaus trilogy really didn't sit well with me, for reasons that don't belong on my review of its dlc, but future redeemed fixed nearly every problem i had with base xc3 — both story and gameplay wise. it ties every xenoblade game and even some of gears and saga into a neat little 40 hour bow, and is truly a love letter to the entire series. I can only think of one problem I still have with it. the fucking menu music.

where do i even fucking start with this one really. relatively speaking, I'm a new xenoblade fan, having started xc1 in march 2022 during a harrowing experience with adhd meds, and since then it had kinda consumed me. I finished it in about a week, went on to watch xenoblade 2 because I had heard the gameplay wasn't great, and got my hands on xenoblade 3 day of release.

overall: 5 dance apples.

Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom (2023)

as someone who was not immune to the hype surrounding botw, I had high hopes for the sequel. hopes that were painfully, slowly, fed into a trash compactor over my playthrough. this is another game I got on release day, lining up outside gamestop in the heat, and lets not forget that it's the only first-party switch game with a price tag of seventy bucks.

the game plays like a tech demo. I have a lot of love in my heart for it. the story was better that botw, the world was more expansive than botw, but the problem here is that everything it does is directly compared to breath of the wild. it doesn't get enough time to shine, because we're in the exact same world as 6 years ago, but instead of pinkish black malice we have blackish pink gloom. i much prefer the runes to the zonai abilities, and the sense of wonder that permeated breath of the wild is replaced by a sense of nostalgia that just doesn't appeal to me much.

all of this isn't to say it's a bad game. I think it's a great game, honestly, but a great game that wasn't meant for me. I've seen the insane shit people do with ultrahand, but it just... isn't my style.

overall: 441/1000 korok seeds

Pikmin 4 (2023)

it's pikmin. i dont have much to say about it. it was a lot of fun, loved that part where i bulborbed all over those guys. im not a gameplay reviewer, at heart i mostly talk about story, and a game like pikmin doesn't have much for me to comment on. good fun. lived up to expectations. probably wouldn't replay.

overall: 7500 sparklium

Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood (2017)

oh, stormblood... the rage you still fill my veins with. I'm not going to spend too long on this one because I have better things to do with my life than shit on an expansion everyone already hates, but let me make it clear I actually do have reasons for disliking it.

having ala mhigo built up since the very start of a realm reborn, only to have half of the ala mhigo expansion take place halfway across the star, was very disappointing. the monotony of the three areas in gyr abania compared to the three far east areas was very disappointing. the treatment of the people of the steppe and honestly that entire segment in the main story quest was very disappointing. hien, as a character, in his entirety, was very disappointing.

I will say it had strong parts. the 61-70 quests for several jobs were the strongest in their entire story (see: dark knight). the dungeons started to get more interesting. it gave us the quest Child Labor, which is hilarious and I'll never be finishing it because I want it there forever.

overall: 1/3 WHM Lillies.

Final Fantasy XIV: Shadowbringers (2019)

ffxiv immediately got better the second 4.0 was over. even the patch quests instantly shot up in quality. it's not even funny. the lead up to shadowbringers was the most fun I had had with the game since a realm reborn, and all of the first was heartbreaking to go through even though I was spoiled on That Character's Identity.

the duty trust system (is that what it was called?) made dungeons much more fun. getting to go through hell with alphinaud alisaie and thancred made everything 10x better, even if it was a lot slower. the story, again, heartbreaking — ryne's arc in particular felt like being stabbed by thousands of little needles while trying to play. in the best way, of course. and amaurot... amaurot. getting to quote our favorite knight in there was my 8th umbral calamity.

shadowbringers also marks when a lot of your job's functionality is really unlocked, so doing the level 80 raid series was genuinely a ton of fun. and again the thousands of little needles. i cried at least 7 times during the main story.

overall: 85/100 kenki gauge.

Katana Zero (2019)

possibly my favorite game this year. the protagonist, zero (or as i like to call him, katana from zero,) ticked all the boxes for a character I'd be absolutely obsessed with. true enough, i fell in love. the fast-paced gameplay, the diegesis of gameplay elements which would typically go unquestioned, and the care that seeps through every dialogue choice all solidify katana zero as one of my favorite game experiences ever. I'll leave it at this, because I encourage everyone to at least give it a try.

overall: Yes, that should work.

Fire Emblem Engage (2023)

this is one of the few 2023 releases on this list that I didn't get on launch, because at the time I had relatively little interest in fire emblem as a series. then I made a lot of friends who enjoy it, and in october, bestie sen decided to buy it for me as an early birthday present. everyone say thank you sen.

considering this is my first fire emblem game, i have absolutely no deeper insight into how it matches up compared to the others, and plenty of people more eloquent than me have already talked about that. what I do know is that the gameplay was surprisingly fun as my first tactical rpg, and the story was passable. all the characters were appealing in one way or another, and I'm still mad I had to choose between marrying kagetsu or fogado. they're both my husbands at heart.

overall: I didn't internalize enough of this game to come up with a clever rating.

Fire Emblem Engage: Fell Xenologue (2023)

I was expecting the dlc to continue the main story, so I put it off until I had finished the base game. in hindsight, I regret it, because I'd love to have brought the winds and twins with me to fight their evil versions and alternate universe dad. the story was... alright. I really liked all the small battle interactions between fell characters and our party members which they would've known. I instantly recognized fogado in chapter 1 because I am in love with him by the way.

overall: i dont know. 1¾ dragonstones

with 2024 upon us, I'll probably be writing reviews for games as I play them. I'm trying to use tumblr more as a social platform instead of just reblogging. we'll see how that plays out. if you like any of these games (yes, even tears of the kingdom) please talk to me about them! that's all for now. look out for my mangled thoughts on SANABI and Nier: Automata next :)

#op #long #octopath traveler 2 #tears of the kingdom #xenoblade chronicles 3 #future redeemed #pikmin 4 #ffxiv #stormblood #shadowbringers #katana zero #fire emblem engage #fell xenologue

[thatndginger]

you guys wanna hear about one of my earliest attempts at writing a cohesive story? Well, you're gonna get it because I'm having a Moment with the adhd meds uncovering memories.

To se the scene: Imagine a 14 year old K. Skinny, painfully shy, lonely, and completely obsessed with books. While raiding her elder relatives' shelves for more material, she stumbles upon a set of books.

[Y'ALL I JUST FINALLY FOUND THE NAME OF THIS BOOK AFTER LIKE 5 YEARS OF SEARCHING!!!! I'M FUCKING LIVING. My plans for the next few days are gonna be reading these books for the first time in over a decade. I gotta temper my expectations tho, 14 year old K liked some questionable things :/]

Witch Season, combined with the Mortal Instruments series, made baby K want to do one thing, and one thing only: create her own story where a 'normal' girl discovers that she is now part of a hidden, magical world and learns to navigate this world and the power she wields in it. So, with all the optimism and enthusiasm she could muster, baby K set out to create.

Y'all, this story had everything a 14-year-old in the early 2010's could ever want. It had a badass female protagonist, it had a love triangle, it had Kingdoms of witches ruled by royal families. My favorite part still has to be the witch kingdoms. There were the typical ones - Earth, Air, Water, Fire - as well as Light and Dark. My protagonist, one Mia [don't remember her last name], was a Dark witch, but she didn't know it. Her neighbor and best friend Nate was a Light witch and the crown prince of the Light Kingdom. Why did he live in a random apartment in New York City instead of the castle in the secret witch realm that his family resided in? Because baby K said so, that's why.

The plot kicked off with Mia getting attacked in an alleyway and discovering her latent witch powers, having a panic attack about it, her bff Nate comforts her and reveals that he is a witch. But because he's a Light witch and Mia's a Dark witch, he can't help her. Some real Romeo and Juliet shit. Why couldn't he help her? Because 'opposing' kingdoms are naturally hostile to each other and as the crown prince of the Light Kingdom, Nate would be in so much trouble if he was caught with her. So Nate takes her to the Dark Kingdom, to the king and queen of the Dark Kingdom, where Mia meets the crown prince Jon. Nate and Jon form a rivalry for Mia's affections. Jon personally takes over parts of Mia's tutelage, Nate visits way too often, Mia is torn between the two (spoiler: she chooses Jon).

I was so into this story guys. I convinced my very conservative, cautious mother to let me commission an artist to make me art of Mia, Nate, and Jon. I still cherish those pieces to this day. Like, look at it! (coloring by me, lines by Palnk on deviantart)

You'd think that I'd have some writing or something to further immortalize this story, but... I don't. At 14 baby K was just starting to deal with severe depression and had a terrible habit of deleting all her stuff when the depression got too bad (Adult K is much better about saving all their shit and keeping copies). There is possibly some remnant saved on an old hard drive that I cannot crack, but for now there is nothing but my own memories and two pieces of art. And, after high school got hard and the depression really set in, baby K forgot all about her magical, angsty world and Mia, Nate, and Jon.

Now, for the keen eyed, you may have noticed that the names in baby K's magnum opus are eerily similar to War Witch's trio of protagonists. And to that I say, yeah, they're the same names :3. There's a reason behind that. After I got on my meds for the first time and really started to get better, I remembered all about baby K's passion for writing and creating fantasy worlds, and especially her witches. HOWEVER, 21 year old K was not nearly as angsty and into 'typical' fantasy worldbuilding, so I changed.... a lot. For a while, I was running with the idea of Mia and Nate being witch soldiers in an alternate-history WWI scenario where magic was real and trench warfare was so much more horrific because of it. Jon was a soldier on the opposing side, and outside of some really cool scenes I didn't have a plot.

Eventually, the more I poked at it, the more I changed; Mia became Mari, Nate reverted back to being a silver-spoon noble, Jon stayed a soldier but now he was on the same side, and I made an entirely new world for them to live in. No reasonable human could see the strings connecting baby K's witch story to current K's War Witch just looking at the two. But the names are my homage to my younger self, a thanks to her passion and enthusiasm. The characters and plot and world are entirely changed, but the names are (mostly) the same.

And maybe that's enough.

#k's storytime #i'm having feels about this stuff today

[noperopesaredope]

Celestial Guardians AU Plot (Season 1)

(Link to OG Concept Post)

The general plot and characters and stuff shall remain mostly the same as the original show, but I may also change a lot of things in some ways. The second season will be the most different, some character details will be changed, the lore will be tampered with drastically, and there will be so many new characters, your head will spin. I might also cut out some stuff. I shall also be adding a bit more well deserved justice (such as yelling at Frederic and certain OCs wanting at least a little bit of punishment for Cassandra’s actions). I might just go completely off the rails and change the plot drastically while barely managing to remain faithful to the OG story of the show. Who knows. I’m just trying to focus on the lore stuff

-----

So first off, the first season of the show will remain pretty much the same plotwise, but with some new changes and an additional episode or two. Might even change parts of the main plot or replace B plots with lore related stuff and buildup.

Any time the black rocks are nearby, Rapunzel hears hush voices saying things like ‘come home’ and ‘help, help’ and ‘Sundrop’ and ‘heal what has been hurt’ and ‘it’s me.’ Rapunzel might sometimes even go into a bit of a trance in, which will cause her to start reaching out towards the black rocks, but someone will snap her out of it before she can.

Raps will also have a lot more dreams and visions related to

Now to break things down episode by episode.

Because Varian’s family and village is made up of Lunarian refugees, they were greatly affected by the Moonstone’s psychic attack all those years ago, and it kinda shows. It even manifests in Varian, despite him having not even been born yet. The signs of this will show in little ways throughout What the Hair?!, with Varian and his dad being a bit spacy and confused a lot, and forgetting things really easily. It’s like me when I haven’t had my ADHD meds in a few days. I have no idea where tf I am. It will also be shown that while Varian is smart, he and the other villagers will come to extremely incorrect conclusions about a lot of things. They are slightly paranoid and suspicious of strangers, but relatively friendly.

I would also like to make it so that the people of Old Corona care about Varian, as he is one of them, but still get annoyed with how often his inventions explode. They have a tight knit community and see each other as family, Varian is just kinda the oddball of said family who keeps getting into trouble. I just want him to be cared about.

Another small detail will be the clear difference in culture between the capital and Old Corona. They are practically different kingdoms, but when asked about it, Varian insists that the village is a Coronan one.

At the end of the episode, after Rapunzel and Co. leave, while they are eating dinner, Quirin asks Varian what the princess was even doing. Varian casually explains that she was trying to figure out what was up with her magic hair, but halfway through his explaination, he pauses, excuses himself, and runs off to his study. He then takes out some old looking texts and begins reading a book with the letters C.G. on it, and written by Atlas, and starts at the chapter titled ‘The Sundrop’. Varian skims through it a bit, before putting it aside. He moves onto another book about the Sundrop, but the shot lingers on a section of the C.G. book. A section titled ‘Solaria’. The episode ends.

For Rapunzel’s Enemy, we shall introduce a theme of Rapunzel having an intense need to be liked, and a bit of a temper that not many know about. This is tied to how she is connected to the Sundrop, who was known for being a bit of an attention seeker and could have a dangerous temper when angry (which would come in short, slightly violent bursts). This is also were a running gag will start; every time Raps starts to get really angry, something nearby sets on fire. It will always seem like a coincidence, while still being a gag, but it is actually also foreshadowing.

Monty’s reasons for disliking Raps will also be less dumb. He doesn’t completely hate her at first, he just mildly dislikes her because he remembers the days when the king was more paranoid, and so Monty dislikes her through association. He knows this is slightly unfair, but he just can’t bring himself to get over it at first. She also will not stop tripping over the basket in front of his store and knocking it over. So he just kinda dislikes her overtime. 

But the more she tries to make him like her, the more he dislikes her since he dislikes people like that. It’s just a bunch of little things like small incidents and disagreements that cause him to dislike her, but she pushes it until he hates her.

Anyways, Fizherbert P.I and Challenge of the Brave are basically the same as they are in canon, but Challenge of the Brave focuses more on Rapunzel’s mild competitive and fiery side and how it can get in the way of her relationships. She’s presented as the one who messed up, and Cass calls her out on this. Raps apologizes and the end of the episode makes it up to her.

Cassandra v. Eugene will be skipped and at most be a B plot. The main plot of the episode, renamed A Series of Unfortunate Events (he he, I’m hilarious), centers around the introduction of my first OC, who shall be known as North for the first season. North is a fortune teller and a bit eccentric, which is why a lot of people tend to avoid him. He is always seen wearing a big scarf around his neck and collarbone, almost as though he is hiding something.

Probably not important.

Anyways, Raps sees his little tent one day and decides to try it out, even though she is warned by both Eugene and Cass that it’s probably bad news. She goes in anyways, and meets North. He is friendly and welcoming towards her, and invites her to have her fortune told. Unfortunately, she gets bad news that something bad is going to happen, and she ends up worrying about it all day. Cass and Eugene tell her to not worry about it, as it’s probably baloney, but then something bad happens and her fortune comes true!

Determined not to have that kind of thing happen again, she basically becomes addicted to the fortune booth. This gets slightly concerning over time, and even North gets pretty concerned, so one day, when she comes back for another, he decides to switch things up a bit.

They go through the whole card ritual (I made up my own fortune telling method that is kinda like tarot cards but not). Instead of immediately telling her fortune, North decides to give Raps some advice. He tells Rapunzel that the best time is the present, and that while having a heads up or preparing for things is good, you can’t spend all your time worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet. You need to focus on now. He then asks if she still wants to see her cards. Raps, who is moved by his words, says no, and decides she is going to continue living her life in the present.

However, after Rapunzel leaves the tent and North is alone again, he picks up the cards Raps drew and ominously (but not maliciously) says to himself, “enjoy the present while it lasts, Rapunzel, because the future is gonna be pretty rocky.” It then lingers on the cards, one of which is the reunion card, and the other of which is the moon card.

The next two episodes remain basically the same as they are in canon.

Great Expotations will remain mostly the same aside from continuing to establish Varian’s less stable mental health, but it will also end with Varian going to his study and taking some more notes on things he noticed about Rapunzel. He’ll start wondering aloud “are the two connected somehow? it just doesn’t make sense! There has to be a missing puzzle piece!” as he stares at what is basically a bulletin board with all the artist renditions and writings and threads of yarn connecting everything. There are sketches of hair and chemical equations, as well as notes on different Sundrop related legends and the potential scientifically accurate explainations for each. Quirin eventually tells him to go to bed, and Varian does, but outside, unbeknownst to him and his village, a small black rock pops right outside his house, followed by three more, each bigger than the last.

In Under Raps, when Raps goes to Xavier for help with the crest, North just so happens to be there. When Xavier mentions the Separatists, North pipes up, saying that they suck and are an embarrassment to all Saporians. He then proceeds to rant about them, slipping back and forth between Coronan and a completely different language before storming out while still muttering angrily to himself.

The rest of the episode plays out how it did in canon.

I don’t know what to do with One Angry Princess, but I did end up adding a B plot about Varian’s investigations on the Sundrop and Rapunzel’s hair. Basically, Varian goes around asking fellow villagers about legends and stories related to the Sundrop so he can cobble together some scientifically accurate version of the story and solve the mysteries of Rapunzel’s hair. While each story has its own unique ideas, they all provide a little bit of information to the audience about some of the lore surrounding the Sundrop. It also explores the idea of conflicting perspectives and accounts of events.

Meanwhile, every time Varian talks with someone about the Sundrop, a few small black rocks pop up around the corner, but they gradually grow bigger and bigger, as though stalking him. And the end of the episode, Varian will start mumbling allowed about all the stuff he has learned while he’s walking home, with the rocks still following him. He mentions that it’s good that the princess is so close by, since she is connected to the Sundrop in some way. And that’s when a black rock pops out right in front of his face.

Varian yelps, looks around to see the black rocks all over the place, and runs inside to tell his dad. There is a lingering shot of the black rocks with hushed voices whispering in the background and getting louder and louder as they overlap each other to being almost incomprehensible. But then one voice, louder and clearer than the rest, says “FIND SOLARIA.” Then cut to black.

Pascal’s Story shall stay the same as it was in canon.

Big Brothers of Corona shall remain mostly the same, but at the end, there will be a short scene with Varian and his dad arriving home after a big village meeting about the rocks, which have gotten really out of hand and appeared about 2 weeks ago. Varian asks his dad what they are going to do, but Quirin says that that is not something Varian needs to worry about. Varian takes a break in his room, but looks back at the C.G. book, has a spark of inspiration, skims through it a bit, and stops at a picture with the Brotherhood Symbol on it. He looks up at the scroll on his wall which also has the symbol on it. Varian says “how do you fit into all this?” right before the episode ends.

-------

And that’s Part One of Season One! I had to split this post into two parts because it was long and also I want to get this part out ASAP. Part 2 of Season One will be coming out soon! Hope you enjoy this AU so far since I worked really hard writing all this out. I did not work as hard actually thinking it all up since I revamped it just yesterday. But I worked hard to put content for it out there! If you like it, please at least give it a heart since knowing even just one or two people enjoy this will make it all worth it!

#tts celestial garments au #rta celestial garments au #celestial garments au #tts #rta #tangled #tangled the series #rapunzels tangled adventure #disney tangled #my au #fan au #my au ideas #episode rewrite #tts rapunzel #fan ocs #tts oc #tts varian #foreshadowing #so much foreshadowing

[misguidedwarriors]

So there’s a nation wide shortage with my adhd meds, a lot of meds apparently? But like the insane thing is I had the last batch that could be ordered a few days ago…the last batch that could be dispatched in the entire UK.

That is fucking bat shit insane, the last meds for the whole of the United Kingdom wtf?

I kinda feel like this is an over exaggerated claim by my chemist, if not though this is kinda making me feel special aha. I’m honoured. This situation needs sorting though, like what if the shortage is on a medication someone needs eds to stay alive? The fact this isn’t reported on the news or in the media too is fucked up, this should be a big story and I only found out as I asked if my stock was in.

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise for me guys? I’ve been struggling with misusing these stimulants for some months now, fell into old habits, some of you peeps know this. Maybe not being able to get them anymore could finally help me to get a grip and get my life back on track.

#tbt

[i-fondued]

So yes I am back and I'm writing up my little story as quickly as I can because my insomnia is real and I feel I may loose focus here 🫠

Here is the quick life update in chronological order!

I got married on 01/13/18; while my husband and I drive each other nuts I love him dearly. He is my best friend and after going through old posts and seeing how desperate I was to find someone who loved and understood my nerdy self I can happily say I've found him.

We tried for 3 years to get pregnant (started in November of 2018 when my IUD came out) and it was a very difficult time emotionally and mentally for me. In the end I had to take a ton of oral meds and we tried literally every other day for a month at a time.

In October 2019, my husband and my mom + 2 aunts went to Disney World. My husband and I both threw quarters in the wishing well at Magic Kingdom and we both wished to finally get pregnant. Two weeks later we found out I was pregnant, two weeks after that we found out it was twins.

06/25/20 my beautiful, wild, rambunctious identical girls were born. It hasn't been easy especially with the pandemic but they have been what's kept me going.

Learned in quarantine that I 100% have ADHD and maybe a drop of the spectrum (though therapist doubts it) so now I take Adderall I don't feel like my 17 year old self who was mentally screaming while her brain fought to just brush her teeth.

I've started writing again which was one of the reasons I searched out my old tumblr, I figured I needed a place to store some of the more risqué things I wouldn't want anyone to stumble apon.

I work in Healthcare, which is such a 180 from what I had always said I wanted to do with my life. Does it drive me insane some days? Yes. But do I like my job? Mostly.

I'm still just as nerdy as always so someone slip me some people to follow, the dash is so quiet now I need more people lol

So what's the plan for my humble tumblr? I'm just going to do what I had always done before and shitpost, post fanfic, and find new fandoms to follow.

Also someone told me the porn was coming back so obviously yah girl had to come crawling back.

#about me #also do we still shitpost in the tags? #cause you can pry that from my cold dead hands #back in my day you lost your mind in the tags and made insane commentary while also key smashing #it was a simpler time

[sonusmagus]

okay this is doing my nut .. I had my timings perfect .. it seems a slight variation in the number of cigarettes I smoke while walking the dog .. or the kinds of songs I sing .. or the exact number of biscuits .. or the timing of cups of tea .. or the amount of lethal pre war antihistamines I take to knock me out .. or the smell coming out my arse .. all seem to be critical factors when it comes to sleep .. suspect I have some form of mania due to lack of nicotine or lack of amphetamines .. or both #ADHD #Aspergers #Autism .. #bugger that’s me fucked for 07:00 on the 7th of the 7th .. maybe I’ll still be awake .. going to mix amphetamine prescription meds with masses of cough medicine .. maybe that will work? (at Glastonbury, Somerset, United Kingdom) https://www.instagram.com/p/CfsdZAXKWpI/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#adhd #aspergers #autism #bugger

[once-upon-a-pirate-ship]

A new fic!

Please let me know what you guys think of this idea and if you'd want to read it. I know I've started things in the past and haven't finished them, so I'd want to make sure I have a bit more before posting so I'm confident I can finish. I'm on summer break now, so I'd have plenty of time to work on it (it could become the piece I work on when I need a break from editing my novel). I have about 8,000 words already which I think would make up the first two chapters, but I definitely want to see if there's interest before I consider making this a real story.

A brief summary:

Enchanted Forest AU (with some timeline twisting because I want characters to line up, obviously) featuring Princess Emma who's barely the princess of anything anymore. Her kingdom is in ruins, her parents and brother Leo captured by the Evil Queen, and all she's got is Red and her lifetime of survival training (badass!Emma, folks).

Red and Emma get passage on a ship to take them to Arendelle (because we all know I love writing Elsa and Anna), but Emma immediately takes a disliking to Captain Silver, and she finds out why fairly quickly. He's got two slaves, brothers, who she promptly saves before taking over the ship and throwing Silver in the brig where he belongs. This story would continue with Emma, Red, and the Jones brothers as they try to get some allies of their own. Also, if you're looking for a redemption arc, you wouldn't get it here. She's just the Evil Queen in this one, and I'd rather not undercut everything she's done by making her 'good' at the end. I'm also toying with the idea of Emma discovering her magic and learning about it during the plot.

Emma's about 22 (maybe...ish?) and Killian would be around 25. Leo is a teenager (because I'd like to actually give him a character in this one). I'm thinking of maybe including Will Scarlet, August, and some others (suggest some if you'd like) to join them on their journey. (Yes, in this timeline Killian and Liam wouldn't have joined the navy. I'm taking creative liberties so this story can happen.)

All I need from you guys is for you to let me know if you're interested. And if you've got ideas, a trope you'd like to suggest, or absolutely anything else you can think of, I'll certainly hear it. I can't promise I'll include it, but if I think it'll work, I'll go for it. As I said, I've already got a good start on this. If people are interested, it shouldn't take me too long to get a plot outlined and a few thousand more words so I'm comfortable posting, and then it'd likely be a weekly/biweekly basis that I'd post, but I write a lot faster these days (yay for ADHD meds!), so it could be faster. This started as a fun idea I wanted to play with and I hit 8,000 words no problem, so with a little motivation and a schedule, this could turn into something really cool.

Let me know your thoughts, and my inbox is always open!

#a new fic #cs fanfiction #ouat #ouat ff #captain swan fanfic #cs ff #fanfiction #writing #let me know what you think! #once upon a time #once upon a time fanfic #captain swan

[yikesharringrove]

Hello! i don’t think i’ve given you any of my weird headcanons in a hot minute so here’s a new favorite! Steve with ADHD, at first nobody notices it, he gets along well enough as a young kid people just think he has an active imagination, when in real it y he just can’t pay attention. He’s in 5th grade when his teacher pulls him out of class and tells him he needs to start paying attention, Steve almost starts crying as he tries to explain to her that he just can’t, that it doesn’t work (pt.1)

(pt.2) so the teacher tells him to stay back after class that day, he totally forgets and almost ends up leaving just further probing her suspicions. She asks him to extol in what he means, he doesn’t know what to say, says that too many things are happening for him to pay attention in class, and that sometimes if he hears another teacher he’ll end up listening to that, or if he can look out a window he’ll get distracted, and she already knows what’s going on, calls his parents for a meeting

(pt.3) So his mom comes in, his dad “could make it” but that works out for steve because his mom actually gets him tested, and his test comes back positive so he has to take meds now and sure his grades aren’t the best but they are so much better and he can actually sit in class and focus, but randomly in his sophomore year tommy finds the pills and makes fun of him and he gets so embarrassed that he just stops taking them, and his grades drop bad and he can’t focus and he feels like shit 

(pt.4) he goes around like that for a while feeling lost and distracted but refusing to take his meds and be lame, he only starts taking them again after nancy breaks up with him because he needs to focus on something that isn’t the break up, but they aren’t working well which is to be expected he hasn’t taken them in more then a year, so he ends up totally freaking out and that’s how billy finds him, sitting on the bathroom floor with the WORST headache he’s ever had and he takes pity on him

(pt.5) billy and steve were kind of friends after the fight they had talked and worked things out, not super close but enough to not be so weird around each other anymore, so billy takes him home and makes sure he gets new meds and makes sure he keeps taking them and on days when he can tell steve is space and distracted and clearly forgot he’ll drive to his house and make him take them, and steve will bitch and moan but he actually loves that someone cares enough to make sure he’s ok

(optional pt.6) billy realizing he really likes steve when steve is talking about a special interest and getting super happy and he just can’t help but feel in love with him (is this totally based off my expletive with adhd? yes it is! is this the exact way my hug said she realized she love me? yes it is 🥰)

Hi! I have another one of your AMAZING headcanons in my drafts still, I’m working on it I’m sorry I’m the slowest writer ever.

So, I think I’ve said this, but ADHD makes A LOT of sense for Steve. I don’t have ADHD, so I’m sorry if this is in accurate, I did some research, didn’t want this to be like, bad.

Also, I put him on Ritalin for timing purposes and bc it can cause panic attacks. 🤷‍♀️ and his favorite animals are giraffes, goats and lobsters, 3 of my favorite animals.

Read on ao3

When Steve was little, he could never focus on something for longer than ten minutes.

He would be running through the house, leaving toys on the ground when he remembered a game he could play in another room. His nannies would roll their eyes, picking up after him.

When he got to school, it was more of the same. He would get distracted by every bird that he could see outside. He would be in the middle of class, the teacher would say something about giraffes and his mind would race about animals, would think about every country in Africa he could name, would think about whether or not Lithuania was in Africa.

His grades would slip, tests were a nightmare when he got caught up watching a bee buzzing near the window, only to realize he had answered three questions and only had eleven minutes left.

He was always a poor student, until fifth grade.

Mrs. Wilson had called him up after class, had noticed him zoning out and was about to chide him when she noticed the tears in his eyes.

“I just, I don’t know what happens, sometimes, my thoughts go too fast for my own brain and I can’t focus.” He was sniffling across from her.

“Steve, I’m going to have a chat with your parents. You’re not in trouble, but I think we can help you.” She smiled as she pat his shoulder, letting himself get collected before going to his next class.

She called his parents in at the end of the day, his mother sitting in the seat next to Steve, the principal joining them.

“I’ve noticed some trends in Steve’s school work and his presence in class. We think it may be in his best interest to test him for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. We feel that pinpointing the problem for him may be more helpful moving forward.

Mrs. Harrington agreed, waved her hand in a way that said she was bored of the conversation. Steve spent the whole next Saturday going through various tests, was wrung dry by the end of the day, but left with a clear diagnosis.

He began taking a low does of Ritalin, began focusing in class. His grades skyrocketed, getting the very first B+ he had ever gotten on his English essay.

He was okay until sophomore year.

He was an okay student, could focus in class, but not necessarily retain or understand the information.

But then Tommy found the pills, had laughed at him and called him retarded, the word that had haunted him his whole life, spat at him by the father that didn’t care about him.

So he flushed the pills, never refilled his prescription.

His grades slipped immediately. He wasn’t able to focus in class, had gone back to the days of staring out the window and getting confused about why it was called a square root.

He was constantly moving, would bounce his leg, would tap his pencil, would sometimes take the hall pass and just walk.

He knows taking his meds would fix the problem, but he had Nancy know, didn’t want her to know this weakness of his, this shameful secret.

But then he didn’t have Nancy, and his thoughts were racing, jumping from Nancy to demodog to Barb to Billy to his dad to Nancy to demodog to Barb to Billy to his dad to Nancy to-

He broke down February of senior year.

Graduation was soon as Steve’s grades were ass. He needed to focus on something that wasn’t Nancy, demodog, Barb, Billy, his dad. So he filled his old prescription, took the same does he had two years ago and went to school.

When he was first put on the meds, he was told panic attacks and anxiety could be a side effect. He had never experienced that before, but now, now he lived in constant anxiety, and with his Ritalin, he was a mess.

He had locked himself in the bathroom above the gym, the one nobody uses. He was on the floor, trying to ground himself against the wall, trying to think of anything other than Nancy, demodog, Barb, Billy, his dad, Nancy, demodog, Barb, Billy, his dad, Nancy, demodog, demodog, demodog, demodog-

“Pretty Boy?”

Billy was in front of him, eyebrows furrowed as he looked at Steve.

“B-Billy?”

“You okay? You’re kinda, kinda losin’ it.”

“I, I went off my meds for a, a few years, and I put myself back on them, and it’s, I, I know it’s lame, but they usually help and now-” he sobbed as Billy pulled him into his chest, soothing him softly.

“What meds?”

“Ritalin. It’s for, for ADHD.” Billy huffed a laugh.

“I fuckin’ knew it. The way you talk a mile a damn minute.” Steve’s heart sank. “And it’s not lame. Some peoples’ brains are just, wired different.”

Steve was starting to calm down, the anxiety shoving over into a raging headache. He groaned into Billy’s shoulder.

“What’s up?”

“Head hurts.”

“Want me to take you home.” Steve just nodded, his eyes squeezed shut. Billy drove him home, sat with him while Steve called his doctor, made an appointment for next weekend.

Steve had gotten a new medication, adjusted to his current state. The new meds were like magic, allowing Steve to focus when he needed, wouldn’t let him fall into hyperfocus on something that wasn’t productive. He finished senior year on a good note, with okay-enough grades to score his diploma.

He spent the summer at Scoops, working alongside Robin.

Billy came in every day. Would sit with him on Steve’s break. On the days Steve seemed more spaced, he would marrow his eyes, would say you didn’t take your meds today, would drive to Steve’s house to get them for him, would make sure he took them, would take drinks out of Steve’s hands at parties, would make sure he wouldn’t do anything to interfere with them, would dread the days he would find Steve nauseous from the meds.

Bonus:

Steve realized he was in love with Billy when he found out Billy starting keeping a small store of Steve’s meds in his car, would update them periodically to make sure they were safe, effective.

Billy realized he was in love with Steve when he was talking about every animal he could name. He showed Billy the small library of books he had bought for himself about animals, could explain the difference between kingdom, class, phylum, and genus. Was throwing out Latin names for his favorite animals, giraffa camelopardalis, capra aegagrus hircus, nephropidae. Billy couldn’t help himself, had just leaned over and kissed him, left Steve giggling as they made out.

#yikes writes #steve harrington #steve harrington x billy hargrove #billy hargrove x steve harrington #billy hargrove #harringrove fic #harringrove ficlet #harringrove drabble #harringrove #steve has adhd

[coldshrugs]

Catch Up Meme

Tagged by @thevikingwoman​!! Thanks guys!

Rules: Tag however many people you want to know better/catch up with and then answer these questions

THREE SHIPS:

Right now? Of all time? Hmm. I’m always gonna melt for MC x Haurchefant (FFXIV) content. It’s just... so wholesome; he’s incredibly devoted and deserves so much love. I’ve recently thrown myself into The Arcana and MC x Julian is EVERYTHING. And then ships I’m excited to see more of are MC x Astarion (Baldur’s Gate 3) and MC x Aeran (Wayfarer) AND I WILL DEAL WITH THE TORTURE OF THE LATTER. Consider me the Secret-Aeran-Route Playtester, Anna. This is just the way it is.

LAST SONGS LISTENED TO:

Um, I just have shuffle going on spotify.

CURRENTLY WATCHING:

Just watched Hellboy 2 with some friends. I’ll probably watch Bridgerton again this week because the fashion and soundtrack were so much fun. And I NEED that level of romance in my life. Also, both Simon and Prince Friedrich are 👀

CURRENTLY READING:

Nothing at the moment because oof, my brain. But I’d like to start on Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes soon because it’s just been sitting there.

HOW’S IT GOING?

Hm. It’s definitely going. Not gonna lie, the past couple months have been really rough (yes, even considering the hellish vortex that was the rest of 2020). I’m no longer on meds for ADHD because the insurance I was eligible for made them a whopping $300 per month, while the insurance itself was also $300 per month. And listen, I’d love to be medicated but... not at that cost. I’m struggling to feel like I’m doing an acceptable job at work most days, but that’s probably because my office is pretty shit at training and even a year later, myself and a couple other new people still regularly miss things. But! besides that, I’m hanging in. Just trying to do things I enjoy, regardless of how indulgent. Lots of games to play and movies/tv to watch. Lots of takeout. Lots of cat cuddles.

tagging @cheshirepirouette​ @kingdom-dance​ @lemonade-discourse​ @casijaz​ @empresstress13​ @cassandra-pentughasst​ and an obligatory @syrcus​ tag so i can read theirs when and if they do it uwu

#tag meme #azia stuff #yes i have that much CRJ saved that her songs get played back to back #don't @ me

[morwensteelsheen]

I just have to tell you how much I ADORE “Finger Back.” I keep retreading it! I’ll be starting my masters in the autumn and reading this AU put a huge smile on my face and a warmth in my heart. (If only lecturers looked like Faramir or Aragorn, though. *sighs*) I do have a question that I’m not sure you addressed already: I read your endnotes that say you’re protective of Denethor, and I’m curious as to what your reasons are. Could you flesh that out for us? Cheers!

Thank you so much!!! I’m so glad to hear you dig it — and good luck with your masters!! 

So, yeah, The Denethor Problem. My answer to this is gonna go under a cut because this is gonna be such a long answer lol. 

Some of it is in response to how he’s portrayed in the films, which is I think wholly unfair, but a lot of it is because I think I recognise the real life cultural/social archetype (I think) Denethor fits, very much unintentionally on behalf of JRRT. For context, I’m a historian of modern British history by training, and gendered/political history specifically, so I spend a lot of time dealing with the social implications of WWI/II, if not the actual wars themselves. 

Denethor to me fits the mould of a very specific member of the Lost Generation (yes, I realise this is a largely-American generational identifier, but I think the cultural stereotypes fit well enough for the WWI generation in Britain), which is the sort of man who was, in effect, completely and utterly destroyed by the meat grinder that was WWI. Whatever he may have been had the war not existed doesn’t really matter, because the war was ultimately the end of life for him. A lot of British men of that generation faced what was essentially a systematic unmanning (not in the gendered sense, as in, total depersonalisation/dehumanisation), and were never given the care or community necessary to recover from it. They then went on to live through WW2, the slow and miserable recovery from that, and the repeated crises of the 1970s, which is typically when they died — see JRRT himself. 

These were men for whom the abject violence of war never really went away. Lots of them had severe PTSD, though it was never diagnosed and certainly wasn’t treated adequately, and almost all of them had some form of war-based trauma. They were men who were so scarred by the violence of WWI that things like love and joy and other positive human emotions ultimately ended up requiring too much energy and too much heartache to express, and so they retreated in on themselves. It’s not to say those emotions weren’t there for them, but what they experienced during the war was so traumatising it became hard to ever fully become “human” again. They were weapons of war discarded at the armistice. 

So, socially, I see a lot of Denethor in that, this man who has, effectively become the war. 

But also I think when you read the text there’s a lot to actually recommend Denethor. For starters (and I do intend on elaborating on this more later), we tend to only see Denethor when he’s in direct conflict with Gandalf, and Gandalf is obviously given the privilege of controlling the narrative. It’s this huge elephant in the room with most of the Gondorrim: we never really get more than fleeting glimpses at how unbelievably shitty and miserable life has been for them at the frontline of this war to end all wars. 

Actually I think I’ll run with this Gandalf comparison for a second. 

Gandalf is portrayed as this political and military mastermind, who rides from kingdom to kingdom fixing the problems of the free men of ME. We rarely ever see the aftermath of Gandalf’s time in these kingdoms, which means we never actually see what sort of political effort has to go into enacting Gandalf’s provisos, or covering up for the strange politicking that goes on. What this really comes down to is: Gandalf is a consultant, not a ruler, and in his status as consultant enjoys this moral distance from the practicalities of keeping a country/state afloat. 

Denethor, however, does not. Unlike Gandalf, he doesn’t get to go gallivanting about Middle Earth searching for Elendil’s heir or Isildur’s bane or whatever, because he’s got a kingdom to run. If there’s a plague in Lossarnach, it’s ultimately Denethor who has to take responsibility for that (even if there are multiple layers of vassals below him, the buck ultimately stops with him). When there’s an entire looming cataclysm at Gondor’s (and, in effect, Middle Earth’s) eastern border, Denethor’s the guy who has to coordinate that response. And in that it’s not just Gondor he’s responsible for. If Gondor falls, everywhere else will fall too, but as far as we’re told, Gondor’s running this defence almost entirely by themselves. 

And, importantly, Denethor’s a mortal. He’s a Man. I know that mostly is associated with death in LOTR, and, in the movies, the folly of Men’s pride, but what it really means, I think, is the tangibility of life. Life and time means something to Men, they have to feel and live in each second in a way the others don’t. They are tethered to the world in beautiful but also terrible ways.

The big gripe about Denethor is that he sends his son to hold Osgiliath. Okay, fine, but think about that this way, Denethor sends his son to Osgiliath. For us, the readers, and for Gandalf, the consultant, that could be anyone. But for Denethor, that is his son, flesh and blood, someone he loves dearly, one of the last living connections he has to his dead wife. The war is real and intimate for Denethor in a way it isn’t for other (yes, including Aragorn), and he bears this unbelievably difficult burden of being the ruler of a kingdom without having any of the real political legitimacy to be that leader. 

Which is to say: Denethor is the Ruling Steward, but he is no king. That’s a hugely important distinction, I think, and limits a lot of what I think Denethor has the right to do. He’s essentially managing the decline of a kingdom because he doesn’t have the right to play offence for it. Everything about his life and title is about making him subservient to something else — in his case, something that literally doesn’t exist (as far as he knows). Imagine how soul destroying that is. You have to bear all the horrible psychological and emotional burdens of ruling a kingdom with none of the benefits of getting to shape it in your own image. Horrible. 

We tend to give Théoden a pass for his weakness and (to be frank, even though I do love him) shittiness because he’s brought back to his senses. Denethor has suffered essentially the same problem as Théoden, except worse because he’s getting it direct from Sauron, and he never gets the chance for healing. And why doesn’t he get the chance for healing? Because he’s literally holding back the apocalypse. By the time anybody thinks to come help Denethor out, the world is already ending, and — so far as we’re told — nobody’s actually bothered to help Gondor out until the very end.

A lot of this is, tbh, wrapped up in how angry I get about how Gondor is treated by literally every other kingdom in ME, but I think Denethor-as-Gondor is a salient and important point so I’ll keep it in. 

Oh also, sorry for jumpiness (my ADHD meds are wearing off) but my other gripe with the Osgiliath thing is — okay so Denethor sent his son. But he had to send someone, didn’t he? If they hadn’t held back the army at Osgiliath Minas Tirith would’ve been overrun before anybody had the chance to get there to save them. So they have to do it, somebody has to go, so who does he send? Not his son because we, the readers, have a total crush on sadboi Fara? Okay fine, so then he sends someone else’s son. But that’s still someone else’s son! We just hate Denethor because he has to make the decisions none of us would ever want to make lol

Anyways. Yes. That’s why I’m super defensive of him, I just don’t think he gets a fair shake all things considered and wish he would. He’s not a villain, he’s a man at the edge of the world, and I think we all oughta have a little empathy for that.

Like, I do think he makes the wrong call on a lot of things, and, to put it lightly, I think trying to kill your own son is Not Great, but I think as a character Denethor deserves a more nuanced interpretation than what he gets. I actually spent today writing like a three thousand word Denethor POV on the idea of hope and his kiddos which I might post at some point. But yeah. Yeah. God, sorry, that was such an info dump lol 

#asks

[depressedveganhippie]

Keep on keeping on

Not gonna lie, the last few weeks have been real tough. Trust has been shifting dramatically. I’ve learned that my oracle teacher is trustworthy and really does care about me, and she raised concerns about one of my friends. She was right. He’s an energy vampire and potential sexual predator, all of his charming behaviours are in line with grooming behaviours. Unfortunately, his presence is unavoidable as we’re both in the SCA kingdom of Calontir and in the same barony besides. Oh well. Live and learn. But someone’s ass is getting a hex later.

Still trying to move out of my mum’s house, finding appropriate roommates is a difficult endeavour. A friend of mine and her housemates might have an opening soon though, so it may just be a matter of patience. I just need to make sure they’re okay with pets.

Bouncing off of that, my cat Twylah is about to give birth! We think she’s got three kittens on the way. I’m so excited, and I’m glad we don’t have to give her kittens away as I’m adopting two and giving the third to one of my coven mates whose own cat is lonely. I hope one of them inherited her beautiful black fur.

Last weekend’s metaphysics fair was awesome! If you’re in the KC area, send me a pm and I’ll link you to their Facebook page if you want to come to the next one (they happen three times a year). Took several classes and was gifted a few small items that I really needed bc I was broke and couldn’t buy anything, though I did get to meet lots of really awesome people in the esoteric world. One of the biggest highlights was most certainly getting to sit with Osh and Gaia, two ancient jade skulls under the protection of a married couple who are crystal vendors. They sparked a huge DNA shift in me that’s continuing to unfold and will continue to for a while.

I’ve been forgetting to eat again, which is problematic but in the last few days I’ve made sure I get at least two solid meals and lots of water. I must make sure I get my eating habits in a good middle ground before starting my meds again as all ADHD meds are appetite suppressants. I’m also going to focus my efforts on eating more unprocessed foods seeing as refined sugars and fats have been making me feel really ill recently.

Still having trouble keeping up with cleaning, but I do know that if I just start pacing around listening to music that tidying is easier. Folding laundry is still the bane of my existence, unfortunately.

Trying to pick up some hobbies I’ve been thinking about for a while. Anxiety is still making it hard to pick up a brush and start painting, but I’m gonna try and get that rolling after work. YouTube videos have been helpful in learning the basics of parkour, using safe practices in fire spinning, and observing the forms and movement of Persian dance, but I’m still having trouble selecting a dance studio to bring my skills up. Any advice on how to choose a studio would be awesome!

In terms of witchcraft, I’m ready to start tackling the big project my mentor has given me but it’s such a huge undertaking I don’t know where to start. She did give me the name of the angel who can help me with this, so I’ll make some of the honey cakes my best friend told me he likes and see what he has to say. Anyone who has worked with Azzel, please let me know things I need to be aware of with him! I want to do this properly.

So yeah I guess right now I’m kind of in the middle of a lot of things. Just gotta keep on keeping on!

#me #mine #personal #witch #witchcraft #magick #energy vampire #dance #sca #scadian #calontir #vegan #wholefoodplantbased #health #mental health #cleaning #tidying #dancer #advice #cats #kitten #moving out #angel #angels #azzel #esoteric #spiritual #spirituality #metaphysical #metaphyics

[cameoamalthea]

Couple’s Therapy

So I’ve shared some funny stories from couple’s therapy. Like the time we got off on a tangent about Kingdom Hearts because my therapist asked about my tattoo. So instead of discussing our relationship we wound up discussing Axel and Roxas’s relationship (and then realized we’d run out of time).

Recently, I’ve posted a few chats, just funny things that happen in therapy and I might share some wisdom gleaned from couple’s therapy, as I blog about recovery.

I want everyone who might be concerned about us, we’re good. We love each other. I still call him my crush half the time because he’s just so gorgeous to me. He is my best friend in the whole world, # best friend (and then other four best friends). And we’ve been through a lot to get here and have been together almost 10 years next summer.

The thing is, we’ve been together since we were teenagers. We are each other’s first serious adult relationship, we never had experience before each other and have always been together. We married young. So that means we’re both figuring out how to grow up and adult, while also figuring out how to married adult.

We’re both ND, we both have PTSD, we’re both survivors of child abuse who lost our home and parents to abandonment at a young age. So we have intimacy issues and no real guide on making this work.

Honesty, the fact we were both a certain kind of orphan is really how we bonded in the first place. “I’m Nobody! Who are you? Are you – Nobody – too? Then there’s a pair of us!”

But..since we’re both in recovery, sometimes issues just collide and we trigger each other or can’t see how the other is feeling, we’ve learned to be guarded or learned not to feel. I’m distant, I hyper-focus on whatever I’m doing at a given time (although it’s gotten better since the ADHD meds). I have an eating disorder, so he had to live with a partner with an eating disorder. I’m sex repulsed due to trauma and pretty much touch repulsed when it comes to men, so even cuddling takes work. And then there’s his issues, which are his to share or not, but sometimes, they crash into each other. Sometimes there are questions, and we both have the same questions: How do we cope with bad things together, how do we build intimacy, I love you do you love me, am I too broken to be loved, whose job is it to do the dishes and the laundry? 

So we’re in couple’s therapy, not because we’re in crisis, but to get the tools to manage. So we can better handle any fight. To build communication skills and get more in touch with our emotions and expressing them. 

And I talk about couple therapy, along with the other programs I’m doing/have done, because I think it’s important to normalize therapy. It’s not just for when you absolutely can’t function anymore and there’s a breaking point. It can be just to deal with all the things that are there and I honestly think everyone could benefit by learning DBT skills, learning Emotional Regulation and Interpersonal Effectiveness. Because even if you’re not working with Hearts that have been broken and left scarred or almost missing, feelings are complicated, relationships are complicated, and we can always brush up on our skills to manage being human. It’s not easy. 

#Couple's Therapy #Recovery blogging

[stellar-stag]

Wow it’s been a while since I did a personal update here huh

I’ve honestly transitioned a lot of my venting/personal stuff to twitter

(I promise I havent abandoned you for my furry friends)

(I kinda have)

(I totally have)

(sorry)

But I feel like the last couple months have been a whirlwind for me, so I may as well keep y’all in the loop. I’m gonna sort these by topic.

First off, I had some issues with my romantic feelings. There’s a guy, a very very good friend, who is just fantastic in so many ways. Friendly and kind and supportive, progressive and enthusiastic, and shares so many of my interests. Seems natural that I would fall for him, right?

Well I did, and it resulted in a lot of emotional duress.

He has a girlfriend, and I knew this going in, but I didn’t fight my attachment. In the process of admitting my feelings to him and working through everything, I learned a lot about myself and got some practice in controlling my emotional state and how I react to things. But I also relied on him as an emotional crutch and used him for validation, especially during some particularly low emotional points, which is unfair to him. It is only because he is immensely understanding that we remain close friends, and this could have easily resulted in disaster.

But through this process I have grown, and identified a new issue blocking me from being of completely sound mind: Low self-esteem and reliance on others for validation. During my more anxious periods, I would slip into joking self-deprecation, and somewhere along the way it stopped being so joking. But surely, now that I’m taking meds for anxiety it would stop, right? Well, no. Turns out, even if I stopped consciously having thoughts of “Wow, I’m so bad at this”, I didn’t automatically gain appreciation or acceptance of myself. This manifests in a particularly dangerous manner when guys who are attractive are nice to me. 

I end up conflating kindness with romantic intent, and decide that obviously, if someone doesn’t have romantic interest in me, I must be irreparably flawed in some way. This is bullshit, and I consciously understand that, but my subconscious doesn’t play by the rules. So I end up in a self-loathing spiral that only manifests in periods of intense romantic desire, and a month later I’m exhausted, bruised, and have run the risk of alienating those around me who care about me.

So how to fix it? I suppose I’ll need to work on drawing validation from within, so that rejection feels less of a condemnation of my character and everything I am. It won’t be simple, to be sure, but understanding the issue is the key to overcoming it. 

Here’s hoping.

Secondly: I started working out! As of today, March 24th, I have been to the gym 12 times this month (half the days, holy shit) and thats because I, last week, decided to go from 3 workouts a week to 5, solely because I wanted to. If you told me a year ago that I would, of sound mind and body and my own volition, wake up every weekday at 5:45am to go workout for an hour, and enjoy the experience, I would have called you a liar. 

But I am, and I do. I think it’s benefitting my mental health and self confidence, and I’m thankful that I’m in a place where its even an option. This is only possible due to a coalition of so many factors: A free gym in my office and a natural predilection to waking up early to remove barriers, I started taking Vyvanse in January to aid in my attention issues (not sure if I have ADD/ADHD or what, but it’s helping me remained focused in all aspects of my life and for that I am grateful). And, of course, two people who aided in the impetus for beginning and making it a habit: My dad, for giving me crippling self-worth issues my entire life and then visiting in February and criticizing my health and weight (because I was sweating after walking up a hill, which more and more I realize is not actually an indicator of my exertion! I am just a person who sweats easily, and its more a function of temperature and endocrine system than anything else) and giving me the sheer spite to begin working out, and the guy I was crushing on (who is intensely into working out, and I wanted to impress him. Yeah, I was hella thirsty. Sue me). 

Regardless of the reasoning, I found that (once I cut cardio because seriously, fuck cardio), I enjoy working out in the mornings. It’s calming to wake up by exertion and then cool down slowly at my desk before other people even wake up. It’s given rise to a ritual of sorts where I get to my desk, deal with my emails, make breakfast and tea, all before anyone shows up, so that I can really hit the ground running. And more than that, I don’t have a goal in mind. I’m doing this because I know it’s good for me and I want to be healthy, and I enjoy the exertion and following “good” tiredness. If I was trying to lose weight or trim  fat, or stuck only to cardio, I would have given up by now. But its a habit, and I love it, and I’m sleeping better, eating better, and feeling better.

Again, this is only possible because of an alignment of several factors, but I’m thankful for it, and I’m glad I got out of the mindset that “workouts must suck but people do them because they wanna lose weight”. You don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to do, and I wish I had realized that sooner. Im feeling way better about my body, even, because despite the fact that I haven’t lost weight or gotten trimmer from working out, I know I’m eating (pretty) well and working out, and that my body does everything I need it to. I can take pride in the callouses on my hands and the soreness of my body, because they’re proof of dedication, exertion, and effort, and those are way better things to feel good about than shape and size, anyways. If people think I’m unhealthy because I have fat, they can suck it.

Thirdly, I’ve begun looking for a condo to buy! Housing in the bay area is STUPID EXPENSIVE (and yes everyone knows this, and I know this, but it bears repeating). But I can put a down payment on a one bedroom in a good location, and I’m prequalified for a loan, and I just need to keep waiting and pouncing on leads. I think I’ll be happier living by myself with a kitchen to myself, and still going out to social events to prevent becoming a hermit. Plus, with this setup I can maybe bring dudes back and not have to show them the pigsty that is our living room or the shoebox that is my bedroom. I was terrified at the start of this process, but my mom and the realtor have been awesome about taking this step by step and ensuring nothing is confusing or surprising, which is sweet.

Fourthly, possibly because I’ve been taking Vyvanse but also possibly because I’ve finally begun understanding what the hell I’ve been doing, I’ve really hit my groove at work. The project I’m working on is complex but interesting, challenging but well understood, and I don’t feel alone but still get to feel a sense of ownership. It’s not the most fulfilling thing ever (I don’t know that working on payments platforms for a corporation ever will be) but I enjoy work, I don’t loathe going to work, and despite the fact that I was sick as a dog all this week, I came in everyday (after working out) to work full productive days, and I was happy at the end of each of them, more or less. Its not perfect but its head and shoulders above what most people get from their jobs, and I’m immensely fortunate to be in this position.

Fifthly, this is more a continuation of already known things, but I’m making cool friends in the furry fandom. I’ve made good friends, some who I hope I will keep as friends for the rest of my life, and I’ve already made plans to go to Reno in June and Disneyworld in November to hang out and have fun with them. As nerve wracking as being an adult is sometimes, the freedom is something I wouldn’t trade for anything. 

Sixthly, I’ve been taking a creative writing workshop in SF! It finished last weekend and I’m happy to not need to commute each week anymore, but I learned a lot about reading like a writer and choices you can make as a writer to achieve desired effects. The workshop focuses on narrators and how who is telling the story tells it, and the model they use for exercises is SO HELPFUL. We would read an excerpt of something, discuss how the narrator/choices/tense/mood all work together, and then we would write something in a similar format about whatever we wanted. Lemme tell yall, that is so much more helpful to me as a student than just prompts. Having a guide to format is like drawing from references, its helpful and and great for learning and gives you the tools to make your own things later on. I highly recommend it, and I can’t wait to get back to my book. 

Got a lot of art to make first, though. I’ve definitely improved a lot in artistic skill and confidence, and I’m loving finding niche styles that I like and mimicking them. The stained glass pic I posted yesterday is proof of that, I feel. Its drawn from Mucha and various real life stained glass windows and a bit from Kingdom Hearts, but I took these and the tools at my disposal and wove it into something that feels complete. I figured out how to apply a cloudy “glass” texture, glows, stabilization, symmetry tools, pattern design, and more all through the process, and I know theres so much room to iterate and grow, in shading and coloring and proportion. But even knowing I have room to grow, I’m proud of what I put out and I put a lot of my heart into that piece (yes, its a birthday gift for workout boy. Shut up). I think I’m going to accept commissions for pictures in this style, even. It’s great fun.

So yeah, the last couple of months have been intense. I’ve had ups and downs, but I’ve learned and grown a lot, and I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now, and I hope that every one of you achieves a similar level of peace.

#ramblings of a gay man #long post #life update #wrote almost 2k words about myself #vanity thy name is george

[mypersonalparrotjournal]

8/22/20

I talked to my distance friend again for a long time today. I really enjoyed the conversation. Then my dad called; he’s coming over Monday to see me when school starts.

I’m a little sad that I’m not being productive. The meds are working but maybe I need a higher dose? I also am getting really distracted by my friend.

My boyfriend was having a pretty rough time today. His bed frame he ordered like a month ago still hasn’t come and he had to call out of work to wait for it to get delivered (surprise surprise). Work is stressing him out a bit. We’re not talking as much, but that’s mainly because I don’t constantly need him on the phone all the time for mental stability.

I’ve been doing my runny thing way too much. I think I need to stop doing it for a few days so I stop getting distracted. The dissociation has been pretty bad recently and schools starting.

I don’t know how well I’ll do on the MCAT. I know I’m giving myself a vacation, but I feel like it needs to be over. At the same time I feel like I’m wasting time.

My friend wanted to voice chat on discord tonight but I was feeling too tired and a little socially exhausted. He was really understanding though! And look at me, setting boundaries with people. I’m not sure how I’m gonna spend the rest of my night. I was playing kingdom hearts two for a while but I don’t want to stay up too late. Now is probably a good stopping point if I’m being completely honest.

Also I’m kind of sad about my monitor. There’s two vertical lines on the left side: a green and red one. I can’t seem to figure out why they’re there. I don’t think there’s a way for me to fix it either. I guess I just have bad luck with technology.

Hey, maybe I should start using this blog to also help me maintain something else daily. Like a drawing? Or a picture of my cat? I don’t know. I don’t want to give any clean indications about who’s writing these journal posts for privacy sake. I’ll think about it.

I’m actually feeling pretty naturally tired. I would be better off sleeping before it goes away. Maybe I can not take my sleeping pills today? I know if I push past a certain time I’ll struggle to fall asleep. At the same time, the meds make me sleep for longer.

I’ve read some things from other people that their ADHD meds can also make them tired so maybe the vyvanse is regulating my circadian rythym or something.

Oh also! I opened up to my friend. Let’s call him “K”. I told K that I struggled with depression and adhd and it was a good bonding moment. I’m being really open and honest with them and it makes me happy. Maybe that’ll transfer to other friendships. They’re a really pure and innocent boi.

[rjhg53ji-blog]

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