#now ur sad but glittery

[switchbladefairy]

if ur having a bad day here is some fairy dust (i’m sprinkling it onto you)  ⋆｡°✩ ⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊✩₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆ ✩°｡⋆ .・゜゜・　　・゜゜・． ｡･ﾟﾟ ｡･:*˚:✧｡

#now ur sad but glittery #ur allowed to have a bad day though it's ok #being positive and happy 24/7 is not realistic #take care of urself #˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

[s-4pphics]

rip, halloweekend! (e.w.)

hi😳 it’s my last week as a student and i felt sad so i wrote fratadjacent!ellie lol. literally just wanted to reminisce on party hookups since they’re over for me </3 

wc;cw: 3.4k mmm, MDNI!!, NOT PROOFREAD AT ALL IM VERY BUSY LOL, all ocs r black coded y’all see it, mentions of (faux)blood and vomit like once, alcohol weed it’s a party duh, 21 and tee grizzley promo like pay me, girls kissing🤭, dubcon(every1 is faded af lol), ellie’s sleazy, mentions of orgies and anal? uh oh, ellie’s so cocky <3, dirty talk, fingering, eating out no mcdonalds, spanking ass and tits lol, okie yeah dassit <3 

everyone say thank u to the loml @fandomshitpostingqueen 4 the title :3

Your school always turned up and out for Halloween. 

You and your friends had been complaining about how trash the parties have been for months, but now the streets are littered with people dressed as bare as possible in the freezing cold. They were all shotgunning beers in the middle of the street, blasting trap music through their portable speakers, throwing up everywhere. 

And you were so excited! This was going to be fun. 

You never particularly liked going to frat parties: their houses were never clean, it was always boiling hot in the basement, and the cops almost always showed up to shut the entire place down (only for another party to blow up in the early hours in the morning, and they shut them down, too! Fuckers!). But after your first ever mind-numbing, toe-curling, drunken fuck with… her at the Alpha Sigma Phi house in September last year, you hardly ever stepped foot in clubs again. 

You two weren’t super close even though you fucked on and off, but you were friends with her housemate, Riley, so whenever she invited you over, you would discreetly watch Ellie silently making cereal—high out of her mind—in only her sports bra and gray sweats. You hadn’t seen her since the start of the semester, when she’d dropped off your wobbly, highly intoxicated roommate with after she’d snapped you a hey. ur roomie drank alooottt and is really fucked up rn imma drop her off leave the door unlocked pls lol. 

It was a mystery how they got past your building's security since your roommate could barely hold up her I.D. according to Ellie, but you didn’t press since she seemed in a rush to get back to the party she was at. She quickly laid your friend in her bed before throwing you a quick see ya! before fleeing out the door. You didn’t even have a chance to properly look at her before your own door slammed in your face. 

And now here you are, standing in the frat entry line freezing your ass off in your slutty, glittery angel costume with a cheap, but feathered halo atop your head. Your dress barely passed your thighs, and your white, lace-up heels were getting scuffed on the concrete. You didn’t even want to be an angel, but your friends forced you to match with them with their demands of Were gonna be Charlie’s Angels, bitch I’m not playing!, to which you’d argue, they weren’t actually angels, clown! But after three days of consistent glares and pleading from your googly-eyed group, you gave in. 

“Bro, I’m so fuckin’ excited. I need more shots, I need more shots! —“

“Can you shut the fuck up, you sound crazy,” your good friend, Cleo said to your… feening friend, Evelyn. A gust of Fall wind blew past all of you, and you shivered in unison. 

“It’s too fucking cold for this shit! If y’all would’ve let me down that Svedka bottle, I would be warm as fuck right now!” Evelyn pressed at both of you between chattering teeth. 

“Bitch, you almost peed in these people's kitchen sink the last time you did some stupid shit like that! In front of everyone!” Cleo scolded with a glare, and Evelyn scoffed before turning away to look at the moving line. Your friend then turned her attention to you. 

“You tryna see your girlfriend?” Cleo said to you with a smirk while she hit her dab, and you rolled your eyes so hard, they almost fell out. 

“She’s not my fuckin’ girlfriend, shut up,” you tried to say as convincingly as possible. They both snorted at your attempts, clearly in denial. 

Your friends always made it sound like you were in love with Ellie when she was brought up. You could admit to having a crush on her, sure, but you weren’t always craving her attention. You let her come and go as she pleased, and you did the same. 

Your thoughts were cut off by some drunk, obnoxious asshole screaming at the two of you to pull out your school I.Ds. You all did, and the door immediately pulled open, and you were hit in the face with the bass from the speakers. You all entered, hand in hand, and watched people dance in masks, people making out, people twerking on the counter. And you all were finally warm. 

You moved through the packed, LED lit house to where everyone was dancing, and you and your friends made a small circle in the middle of the crowded floor. Evelyn managed to snag an unopened bottle of Tito’s from the counter and you, and Cleo stared in shock as she downed three large gulps like it was water. You snatched the bottle from her before she could get any more down, only to take three large sips of your own, before turning to Cleo, ushering her to lean her head back so you could pour some in her mouth. 

You felt lighter. 

Thirty minutes passed, and Cleo was throwing it back on you, and you were throwing it back on Evelyn as she clumsily thrusted her hips into your ass, bottle in hand. Your halo was tipping, you were sweating out your press, and your glittery liner was smudging, but you couldn’t give a fuck. 21 was on, and nothing else mattered. 

Until Evelyn stopped, pulling you up to her chest and sloppily whispered that she had to pee. You shook your head as you giggled, pulling a very high Cleo up to guide her to the bathroom by her iced-out wrist.

The line for the bathroom was so fucking long. What the fuck. 

But you and your friends were finally next. Evelyn was leaning back against the wall as she squeezed her legs together, whining out quiet dontpeedontpeedontpee’s to herself with her eyes shut. You shook your head at her. 

However, you all immediately stiffened when you heard a desired squeal of fuck yes, like that! coming from the bathroom. That’s why y’all were standing here for so fucking long?! So somebody could get their nut?! 

Cleo shook her head with a I know you fuckin’ lying before banging her fist on the door. “Bro, hurry the fuck up! We don’t have time for this shit!”

“Hold the fuck on, damn!” and your back straightened at the voice, eyebrows furrowing. Ohh, shit oh fuck! —

And the door swung open, revealing a very flushed Ellie, lips glistening and eyes tinted pink with a black cloak on, Scream mask in hand. She even had fake blood smeared on her face. And a girl in a devil costume hopping off the counter, adjusting the horns on her head. 

You made eye contact with Ellie, and she froze, only to quirk her slit brow at you, slowly gazing at your attire from top to bottom before reconnecting your eyes. You shivered, and she smirked. 

The demon girl snatched Ellie’s wrist to lead her out of the bathroom as Evelyn rushed in, barely shutting the door behind her. You held Ellie’s searing contact as she trailed behind the girl, nodding her head in greeting as she brushed past you, leaving the hallway. You turned towards Cleo, who’d been barricading the door for Evelyn, shaking her head at you with a knowing grin. You let out a quiet fuck you as she busted out laughing. 

Sometime in the night, you all scurried back to the dance for when First Day Out blasted through the speakers. You have zero recollection of what happened after you ran towards the packed dance floor(all your liquor body-slammed you at once!), but your tongue was shoved in Cleo’s mouth as she grinded on Evelyn, holding her by her thigh to pull her closer. She pulled away, licking your bottom lip as you both smiled before your hazy gaze traveled behind Evelyn, locking with the ones you were conflicted about seeing tonight. 

Ellie was smoking by herself, just watching you. You held her stare as you wrapped your arms around Cleo, drunkenly waving your hand to lure her over. She smirked around her blunt before shrugging, shaking her head no. You sent her a pout. 

“Ellie’s over there,” you bent down to talk in Cleo’s ear. 

She hummed in acknowledgment against your neck, “We’ll be alright. Go see her.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah, I got her,” She said in reference to a very drunk Evelyn screaming out YOU KNOW I BROUGHT MY KNIFE!

“Text me if anything happens, okay?” You demanded, and she nodded before encouragingly patting your ass. 

You unwrapped yourself from your friend, squeezing through the crowd until you reached a very… calm Ellie. She was leaning back with her head propped up against the wall, doing tricks with every exhale of smoke. You leaned up next to her, shoulder to shoulder. 

Neither of you said anything, but she held her blunt up to your face. You accepted, parting your lips to inhale the smoke as you watched the lit tip shine orange. You pulled away, leaving the remnants of your gloss behind, and breathed in before exhaling away from her. 

You watched as she pulled her phone out, slowly typing something out with one hand as she ripped from the blunt again. 

You felt your phone vibrate in your bra. 

You looked at her suspiciously before pulling it out, unlocking it to open the snap from Ellie.

e: cum upstairs? 

y: 😐

You turned to her and watched her smile before typing. You looked back down at your phone. 

e: lemme give u some imsorry head :(

y: 😐

e: pleek 

y: where

e: upstairs duh 

e: jesses gone 4 the weekend so ye

e: fuckin u in his room lol 

… Who the fuck is Jesse?

You didn’t get an opportunity to respond before you felt her grab your wrist, pulling you into the crowd. You couldn’t help but look up at her frame, loose strands of her ponytail falling out, her dangly earrings, her fucking shoulders, her neck moving every time she looked back to check on you. She looked so fucking good, fuck—

You felt a smack on your ass, and before you could turn to beat the fuck out of whoever it was, you caught your friends giggling at you. Cleo suddenly made her O-face as Evelyn pretended to hit it from the back before they started laughing at you again. You stared blankly at them. 

“Okay?” You heard Ellie say in your ear, lips brushing against yours. You only nodded before turning back to face her. 

You watched as she looked behind you before smiling and looking back down at you with a headshake. She turned and led you towards the staircase. 

She pulled open a door—Jesse’s, you guess— at the end of the hall. It was a bit messy, but you ignored it as she closed the door behind you. 

“Where’s Riley? I haven’t seen her at all,” you said as she looked at you. 

“Dunno.” She replied simply, ripping from her roach. 

“…You got bored quick,” You hoped she knew what you meant. 

“Mhm,” she said as she exhaled before stubbing it out on the dresser. 

And then silence. 

This is awkward. You hoped she would be ripping your halo off by now.  

“You look cute.” 

“You don’t,” you replied sharply. Fuck, yes she does, she always does. 

She snickered at you before kicking her chucks off, “That girl thought I did.” 

You’re going to strangle her. 

“Fuck you.” 

“You’re gonna,” she said as she stepped closer. 

“You’re a slut.” 

“I am,” Another step. She said with a slimy grin. “The dirtiest.” 

You hated how wet that made you. 

“Your friends are funny,” She said with another step, finally in your space as she spoke quietly. “And they’re hot.” 

“I know they are.” 

“Orgy?” She asked with a bright smile.

“Ellie, are we fucking or not? M’feet hurt,” you slurred out, rolling your eyes. 

“You look so good right now,” she said more to herself than to you, it seemed. She’d been so quiet, tone filled with awe. Your face ran hot. 

“Wanna kiss,” She said as she leaned forward. 

You placed a hand on her chest. “‘M not about to kiss you, you were just giving somebody head, like, an hour ago.” 

“So?” She said, grinning wider. 

“The fuck d’you mean so? That’s gross, Ellie.” you said with an agitated tone. 

“Wanna bend you over his dresser,” She said silkily, and it made you clench tight. “Missed you, y’know?” 

You didn’t reply as you looked at her skeptically. She didn’t care, grabbing you by your hips to pull you closer, bodies now flush against each other. She bent down to plant soft kisses on your neck. You would’ve complained, but her mouth felt so good, fuck.

“You wet enough?” She whispered out against your throat before sucking on the wet spot. You threw your arms around her neck, your knees buckling. 

“Gettin’ there, keep kissing me like that,” you breathed out in a shaky whisper. You felt her smile against you before licking over where she sucked. 

You felt her hands travel down to your ass, as she grabbed both cheeks tightly in both hands. You let out a breathy moan at her grip before you felt her slap a cheek, and then the other. 

“Take this shit off,” she whispered out as she hiked your dress over your hips. You pulled it over your head, tossing it near the bed along with your halo. 

“Fuck you, I spent time making this,” you said with a pout as she laughed softly. She grabbed your bare tits in her hands before sucking a nipple into her mouth. You moaned as you peered down to watch her flick it. 

She switched sides, sucking the hardened bud into her mouth while she hummed quietly. Your hips pressed against her.

“Prettiest fuckin’ tits,” She whispered against your breast. “Gonna fuck ‘em one day, I swear to god.” 

You moaned at her promise as you felt her slap your ass again before whispering a get over there, nodding towards the dresser. You scurried over as quickly as your heeled feet could manage, tits bouncing with every step. You leaned back against it with your hands propped up behind you as you watched her pull your halo from your discarded fabric. 

“Gotta keep this on,” she said as she walked over, dangling it between two fingers. “For… affect, and whatnot.” 

“Right.” 

“Mhm,” she said as she carefully placed it on your head. “Turn around.” 

You listened without question, and you were faced with your own reflection. Your wet nipples, your rising and falling chest, your wet thong. And her darkly looming behind you closely, all bloody and grinning. Another gush of wetness in your underwear. 

“You know what I think?” She said into your ear, meeting your eyes in the mirror. 

You hummed out questioningly. 

“We’d make a sexy cam-couple,” She whispered huskily as she licked your ear and you couldn’t stop squirming, pushing back on her as she grinded forward. “I could see it now: ‘slutty Scream murders cute angelic pussy’, we’d get paid so fuckin’ good.” 

“You’re stupid,” you shakily whispered out as she reached around to pull at your nipples. Your eyes fluttered shut as you leaned back against her, one hand reaching behind you to wrap around her neck while the other dug into her jean-covered thigh. 

She slapped your tits as she messily kissed your neck, sucking more bruises into the skin as she moaned against you. You felt one of her hands disappear from your tits, and before you could move to bring it back, you felt it grab the back of your neck to push you down against the dresser, arms falling in front of you in reflex. Your eyes tore open, and you were met with your sloppy-looking reflection. Lip gloss completely gone, eye-makeup smeared, sweated-out press sticking to your forehead(dammit!), and your halo lopsidedly hanging off your head. 

“Uh huh,” she muttered out as she watched you through the mirror, slowly thrusting her hips forward like she was fucking you and fuck, you wanted to fuck so bad. You hated how you instinctively pushed back on her, propping yourself up on your elbows. “Would make a sexy little pornstar.” 

“Fuck, El, ‘m so wet, c’mon, please! —” 

“Gonna baby, just lemme look at you,” she said back, and you whined, pushing back on her again. You wish she had her dick with her! 

“Make me cum, El, pleeease,” you whined out again, and you felt her slam a hot hand on your ass. You cried out as your cheek seared. 

You felt her slowly pull your panties to the side. You lifted your head to watch her through the mirror: her brows pulled down, her lip between her teeth, and she had the audacity to release a glob of spit on your pussy. You felt a gush of wetness leave you as it trailed down your pussy. 

“You’re so nasty,” you slurred out quietly. 

She reconnected your eyes in the mirror, and she grinned cunningly. You felt her free hand come up to run slow, deep circles on your slippery clit, and you moaned out as your eyes fluttered shut. You dropped your chin on the dresser in relief. 

“Cutest fuckin’ pussy, can tell she missed me,” you clenched tighter gushed wetter at her tone, your pussy screaming missed you so much, daddy! You could tell she noticed when she snickered out a small yeah, you did.

And then you felt her slide a finger in. Your jaw dropped as you gasped wetly, and you hated how she immediately found that spot that makes you scream. Your walls were gripping her finger tight tight tight—

“Fuck, angel, gonna gimme this pussy later?” 

“Fuck yes, ‘s yours!” 

“Yeah? Say it again,” and she dug her finger in deeper. 

“‘S your pussy, daddy, make me cum!” 

She gently pushed another finger in and she grinded them into you, barely pulling out. You hadn’t even noticed that the grip she had on your neck disappeared, her other hand reaching around you to massage your clit. You stayed bent over the dresser so she could hit it deeper, and fuck, she made you feel so good!

Your eyes were glued shut as you breathed and moaned out, but you felt her press kisses all over your ass, biting the cheeks. Your eyes fluttered open as she sat up, slowing down her fucking. She met your eyes to ask, “You ever get your ass fucked?” 

You barely reacted at her bluntness due to your hazy mind, but you shook your head no. She nodded as she pouted. She went back to fingering your cunt. 

“Mmh, you can if you w-wanna, when you take me home later, shit—“

“Who said I was takin’ you home? Hm?” She said and you heard the smirk in her voice. She pressed up against that spot harder as she slid another finger in. 

“Fuuuck!—“ 

“Yeah?” 

“Yes, baby, yesyesyes!—“

You watched her drop to her knees and felt her suck your clit in her mouth and your eyes rolled back and it was about to make you cum—

The sloppy noises of her sucking your pussy and the soppy sounds of her fingers inside you made you hotter, and you felt that burning feeling pulling in your gut.

“El, fuck, baby, I’m gonna— “ 

“C’mon angel, get me wet, want it all over my fuckin’ face— “ 

You couldn’t hear all the nasty shit she was muttering on your pussy as she fucked you through your nut, her lips taking your throbbing clit back in your mouth as she massaged that spot inside you. She was eating you like you were paying her for it and fuck you would if she asked. 

“Taste so fuckin’ good, no one tastes this good, what the fuck,” she said dazed. You knew she was watching your pussy twitch as you rode out the aftershocks on your orgasm, slowly fucking her fingers into you. 

You felt her stand up, slowly rubbing your clit as you calmed down, planting gentle, wet kisses onto your back. 

“You good?” She whispered against you, and you nodded against the desk. 

She chuckled gently, massaging your ass in both her hands before pressing a kiss on a cheek, “C’mon, we’re leaving.” 

You barely could catch your breath, “W’na dance, still.” 

“No, you don’t,” she said, licking up your spine. You felt her press her lips to your ear before she whispered. “Text your friends and tell ‘em we’re leaving. ‘M dropping them off so I can fuck this ass.” 

You shuddered. 

And nodded. 

And she cheesed wide. 

see yall inna week or so lol c:

#ellie williams smut #ellie x fem reader #ellie williams #ellie x you #ellie x reader #black!oc #black!reader #ellie williams x black!reader #ellie williams au #lesbian #works 𖧧࣪ #fratadjacent!ellie

[andraxwz]

It's me again 😭 SOOOOO me and Ian we are together and we both still live with the Gallaghers, and that evening Fiona decided to have a party at patsy's (small reference to season 7 😉), so me and Ian we decides to go there and when we arrive there are already a lot of people, there are also Lip, Carl and Debbie. We have fun etc...and towards the end of the evening almost everyone has left and Ian is a little drunk, and I see him talking to another girl, but they are very close, and as I am hypersensitive I quickly feel sad about that, so Fiona and Debbie come to talk to me...and then you're free to continue because I have no more ideas 👀

Ps : I love ur writing POOKIEEEEE 🫶🏻

STRANGE FEELING

YOU ARE AT HOME

with Ian,he was taking a nap and you were reading some random book that you find in a park

It was currently 4 pm and Debbie barges in y’alls room like it was nothing

“hey ian hey y/n” she smiles innocently

“what..” ian asks sleepily “yeah,what happened ?” you ask gently

“Fiona’s throwing a party sooo get ready ,bye losers” you laugh and look at Ian who lays in bed with a frown on his face

“what’s wrong?” you ask him

“nothing,i’m just really lazy right now” he says while getting up to put on some new clothes for the party

“what should i wear?” you ask him

“that cute black glittery dress” he says nonchalantly

you nod and put that on

IT WAS 5:30

and you were at fiona’s party of course with ian and all the gallaghers

It was all giggles n fun till ian got a little drunk and started talking with a random woman

“she looks way prettier than me,what if he leaves me for her?” you ask yourself but you also didn’t know that debbie and fiona were behind you

“what the fuck?No y/n don’t say that,yeah?” fiona says

You jump when she starts talking and look at them

“Yeah he may be an asshole but i don’t think he’ll do that,he loves you too much”

“i dunno” you sadly shrug as you see ian talking with her

“i got an idea..go talk to him and flirt or something” she points to a random man

“yeah..he’s in front of them too” debbie says

“i don’t wanna make him jealous or something dude” you say

“girl he’s literally doing it to you” debbie says as she rolls her eyes

“okay .. fine fine!” you finally say and go to that man

“heyy..im y/n” you smile

“I’m Max” he smiles as he shakes your hand

AFTER 20 MINUTES

of talking to max,you find out he’s gay and his boyfriend is from here and he came with him

Ian finally sees you too and walks towards you

“Y/n c’mon let’s go..” he says madly

you roll your eyes

“i guess..bye max!” you hug him n go with Ian

“y’all were literally eye-fucking in front of my eyes” He says annoyed

“You were literally undressing with your eyes that girl!” you say frustrated

“she’s my old classmate,okay?”

“classmate my ass..plus max is gay,and he came with his boyfr-“ Ian didn’t let you finish your sentence because he grabs your face and kisses you

“what the fuck” you laugh after breaking the kiss

“i dunno,yeah?sorry” he shrugs and hugs you

#ian gallagher #shameless x reader #ian

[ars-argury]

8 and/or 21 for lobanov...OR!!! OR 11 for the cherenverse if ur want to.....

too bad i did both <3

8: Fav Outfit

LISTENNNNNN.. i never draw outfits and only have recently. but it has to be a tie his red glittery commercial jumpsuit and one i havent drawn yet but does exist; i dont know how to describe it but its also got a little gay sparkly undershirt idk. cheren when he can look gaudy as fuck

21: Happiest Moment

Not to get existential but in every moment right now. he figures the holes in his memory shouldnt hinder his enjoyment of life and while he has his ups and downs there will be no happier cheren than one hanging out with rosa after school or throwing fruit drinks on may maple. roxie inspired him to think and act this way

now that lobanovs out of the way [dusts my hands free from his stupid ass]

11: First Thought

Descante -

ITALIAN !!!!!  i always think about comp pokemon with him of course but also tje fact that i need to draw him . i really like his design

Kurosawa -

hes like my freak in law. hes like. idk. cannot explain the feeling i get looking at him . i am :) about him. i love reading about him . also perfect blue is a nother thought paired with

Kurusu -

I WAS THINKING ABOIT PERSONA FIVE JOKER AND I WAS FUCKING RIGHT!!!! THAT BEAST IS UNLEASHED!!! KILL MY SON KIIIIILLLLLLL

Lobanov -

FREAK.

Technamare -

AIBERTS BEST FRIEDN FLREVER. I AM HIS [BOTH OF THEIR] BIGGEST FAN AIBERT AU NUMERO UNO.

Slater -

i always  used think about him being the most divorced teenager ever but now hes like. i feel so sad looking at him now that i am cursed with the knowledge. [the heart] [NO HEARTBEAT?!?!?!]

#pkm greyfade #lobanov posting #i get horrible brain fog a ton so i apologize for the way my thoughts are in 11 #menteel eelnees points to my brain #love all my friends and their writings though.

[rawrmeansilyindinosawr]

MY LAPTOP IS BROKEN

i yam typing this from my macbook i got from a stranger on offerup who told meh to meet him at Astoria "outside the station n tht it would b easy to 1dentify them cuz he would b wearing a orange Jumpsuit" like some HAUTE prison couture shit. he Had a thicc new yorker accent n treated it lik a drug deal, he kept looking over his shoulder n sped off once u gave him the monies. LIL DID U KNO the mf macbook would have SPANISH ACCENTS ON IT but it would work perf fine except now the shift button or camera dont work Cuz after this gala, u n one of ur best fwendz were cuddling with alcohol on tha bed and spilled it on the dam thing. u just got told yr jobs closing down cuz they gettin sued and u can't join zoom calls via camera but u just hope for tha best cuz ny unemployment takes 5evvaaa. y kant i just b a rockstar? like hot n paid for it?? Being a rockstar gf is not in tha cards for me anymore tho.

42nd st smells like star anise and herbs ur Dad would brew into tea and ur just trying to get to pacific trimming .. U pass by ur old sugar daddys warehouse n U give urself a ol lil chuckle cuz Ya rly did pull dat shit. Randos at tha store wanna take pix with u n ur still shy n flattered n find it hard to associate with the person on camera vs person in tha mirror, am I tha only one who feels this cognitive / bodily dissonance. ??.?

i curated this list thinkin ab the musician i met lastlast winter who wanted to show me his music, i said sure, n he played me his entire album on his guitar for just a little over an hour while telling me he could order us "the worst coke he's ever done in his life which includes suicidal ideation during the come down.' he apologized profusely afterwards n gave mediocre head. Yes , we have matched on tinder 3 more times. why do i keep swiping rite u ask. Trust me all my toxic traits are still unbenognst to me myself Ni, ok.

one good thing ab living in nyc is that when u need to cry on the subway, no one cares, No one asks u why u have bandages on ur wrists And no one asks if Yr ok after they shove ya real hard cuz they prob need 2 get somewhere real soon . I think i've learned to enjoy tha silence n the weight of what new yorkers rly mean when U catch them staring then they look down rite away. I think it means that they're showing respect tht u most likely wanna be left alone. It's an unspoken code .Band aids fall off the ankles of beautiful women, no one asks to give them tha extra one in their bag. Subway performers, singing their hearts out n expressing themselves so raw and well r ignored. i dont own headphones anymore so i Kan pay attention. i think it means something 2 show someone u listen.

WELL.

...U may hav fallen on a strangers lap on tha C train this week Cuz ur new rock platforms made ya SLIP n SLIDE but ur reminded Ur not the only fucked up one in tha head cuz a few months ago someone sat on ur lap thinking u were a got dam seat too. Subway vibes.

H3AVen was S000 fun in tha CLOUDS w bali bby n Lust sick puppie dancing on stage with yr friends n letting them wear ur pink n glittery tiara just like lindsey Lohan in mean gurls. [these days i rly wish i wuz like regina george. but just the part when she gets hit by a bus.] speaking of lindsey lohan. I SAW THEM ON A PLANET FITNESS COMMERCIAL WHILE STREAMING MI SAD LIL PEEP MIX. likeWTF. tht wuz kinda lit. TIL NXT WEEK MAYB fwendz. ty 4 reading ;3

#blog

[maiverie]

mai u re paying my ambulance ride today ok?😃 i just took a moment to let the update sink in,, im feeling me eye twitching, chest collapsing, im seeing heaven and nerd!heeseung is there☝️ watching me 👀 w bambi eyes 😩 AND THE FREAKING SPECS WIQOSJSJOAAKA YN DONT TAKE THE SPECS AWAY ‼ DON'T ‼ I MEAN DO BUT ALSO LET HIM USE IT LIKE WE THE COMMUNITY OF SPECS SIMPS NEED THEM👺

ahem,, the moment was HELLA CUTE i felt SINGLE😙🥰 cuz they're having sm fun on dat bed😏 talking ab his glasses like... are we gonna kiss?? heeseung prob wondered, and BESTIE LET ME SPEAK MY TRUTH ME TOO🤣🤣🤣🤣lowkey wishing she would fall on top of him ngl😻 the magical moment of awkwardness,, but since now they're into the REAL DEAL we gonna see her at his room more 🤭 ohemgee dont let taehyun know

MAI SUPER RANDOM THOUGHT HERE BUT IMAGINING NERD HEESEUNG SPEAKING UP TO TAEHYUN HERE 😳 our bambi nerd very confident and all im— i need help🥴

THE DETETION WAS SO ADORABLE HE SAW SHE WAS TIRED DAMN DAMNDAMN and then the SUNSET AND THEN MISS SUNSET AT THE END LIKE I REMEMBERED U??????????????????? I AJWJDOWOQLSODOAOSISIS someone call me like that too i cant😭

oof me and heeseung w our weird collections🤩 im the hoodies/jackets obsessed, i have so many and no space!!! who will come here to complain ab my glittery orange sweater ?? 🤣

everything was too much for my lil heart 💔 they playing video games too,, i feel like heeseung is very soft on her cuz he can see through yk? he sees her as she is, and he likes it :( and YN MY BELOVED the way ure comfortable around him now and not ur friends 🤨 smth is up and smth is very up !!! to me, homegirl is catching ✨feelings✨ but who are we say anything 🤭

KSJFKDJDND SKYYYYYY BFFFFFFFFFF

KAJDKDKSKS YOURE SO FUNNY HELP IM ACTUALLY CACKLING NOT THE NERD!HEE IN UR HEAVEN I— 😭😭😭❤️❤️ no literally cos my idea of heaven is heeven like i want hee fucking seung right there next to me PLS AND THANKU. 🙏🙏 literally 1 wish ??? god ??? serve me pls?? and um YES THE SPECS WAS A PAID ACTOR IN THIS CHAPTER LIKE JSJDJDJDJDJDJXND

naur but fr STOP THATS SHCH A CHTE SCENARIO NOT THE FALLIMG ON TOP OF HIM??? are u tRYNA KILL HEE CAUSE HIS POOR LITTLE HEART WOULD GO BOOM BOOM BOOM AND COMPLETELY EXPLODE HSJFKDKD HE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE THAT!!! ☝️ no bc he most definitely thought ab whether or not they were gna kiss like…. heeseung alr nervous af having a girl in his room and she’s out here complimenting his face 💀💀 OVERKILL HES DOOMED BUT YES BFF U SO RIGHT COMFIDENT HEE IS COMING!! SOON!!! WHOLE ASS BADDIE HEE 😍

JEKFKDKDKD I WANT A MANS TO COMPARE ME TO THE SUN IM SO SAD i was so fucking salty writing that scene,,,, fml my life is so heeseung-less i DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE?! 😔💔

U HAVE A GLITTERY ORANGE SWEATER??? PICS OR IT DDINT HAPPEN??? PLS THATS SK SO SO CUTE AND UR LIL HOODIE COLLECTION TOO ☹️ Y R U SO CUTE GRRR GIVING NERD!HEE A RUN FOR HIS MONEY 😤

OMGGGGGG STOP GUESSING MY WHOLE FIC BC YOURE TOTALLY RIGHT??? he can definitely see thru her for who she truly is :<< like obv he knows abt her reputation and everything BUT HES LITERALLY RDY TO INTRODUCE THIS BITCH TO HIS MOTHER HIS BESTEST FRIEND IN DA WORLD,,,,, AND YES yn out here getting sick of her friends 😳

SKYYYY BFF THANK U SM FOR READING IM CRYING???? Y R U SO SUPPORTIVE BESTIE IM SO GRATEFUL GRRR I LOVE N APPRECIATE U SM :((( ❤️❤️

#ask #💌.sky !!!! <33 #.*triage

[anonymousbaev]

hi!! so if ur still taking requests can i get rfa and v and saeran with a chubby mc who like doesn’t rly think of herself as sexy and like,,,shies away from intimate things?

RFA with a chubby Mc

Hello hello! Thank you for the request, enjoy!  (*^^*)♡   *Slight NSFW*

    ☆ Yoosung ☆

He thought it was him, he thought he was doing something wrong.

Whenever he occasionally got intimate with you, you would always gently back up with a rejecting head shake.

He respects you so he immediately gets off of you and gives you space before apologizing 10,000 times.

You felt so guilty seeing him feel so bad, you didn’t want to make him feel that way...

But you also didn’t have the courage to tell him what was really bothering you.

You always told him the problem wasn’t him, and that it’s you, but never gone into further details leaving the poor boy so confused.

One day however the little boy got so concerned for you, thinking you might have got abused in the past or something and had to get the truth out of you.

“No Yoosung it’s not anything like that...” 

After much explanation of your insecurities and low confidence on your weight Yoosung reassures you that none of that matters and that it should not matter.

He tells you he loves you no matter what and you look perfect to him in every aspect.

   ☕️ Jaehee ☕️ 

You and Jaehee have been dating for months now and she started to wonder why you never tried more intimate things with her other than kissing.

She wasn’t so bold herself in making first moves in the subject of intimate.

So when she sucked in all her courage and asked you about it, much to her dismay you told her you would rather not.

Of course Jaehee understood and respected your decisions like the good girlfriend she is but she just had to know why.

She was worried if it was because of her.

When you shared your thoughts on how you didn’t like your body she was in a lost of words.

WHY?

She just couldn’t understand because she thought you looked absolutely stunning.

“Mc that’s not true at all. I love you and everything about you. Including your body. You’re absolutely gorgeous.”

      ♬ Zen ♬  

 Zen thought you were the most beautiful human ever, even more than he was.

So it would’ve never crossed his mind that you would think so insecurely about your body.

That was until one day when you accidently unleashed the beast.

“Get ready to take responsibility, princess.” Zen pushed you onto the bed  and reached under your sweater. 

That was until tears swarmed your eyes and you had to say no more because he immediately got off of you in an instant with a concerned look as he caged that beast back up.

“Mc I’m so sorry, please don’t cry. That was wrong of me, I’m so sorry. Oh god, how can I make it up to you?” He gently wiped away your tears, slightly afraid in doing so worried that he would scare you.

“Sorry Zen...” You were so upset, and now you felt so bad because you made him feel like a hypocrite. 

You had to tell him.

When you explained about your insecurities of doing intimate things with him because of your body, he was absolutely enraged.

“WHO MADE YOU THINK THAT WAY???” You had to calm him down and told him nobody made you feel this way and told him it was an internal conflict between you and yourself.

And now he was really upset. 

From that day, he told you how those were unneeded thoughts and reminded you how beautiful you were and told you how much he loved you. 

When you were confident in your skin and ready to get intimate with him you spent an extremely hot and sleepless night with him~

    ♛ Jumin ♛ 

Jumin believed it’d be best to share the first night between the two of you after getting married, so you didn’t have to tell him about your insecurities of doing intimate things with you.

That was not until the wedding date was soon and you both had started planning for it and you were picking out your dress on a category book.

Everything revealed so much skin, so what would people think if you walked down the aisle in one of these dresses in this body?

You were so stressed, “Jumin I think I’d rather wear something more plain... something that would match me better...”

He was so confused, “What do you mean, my love? All of these dresses would match you just fine.”

You got riled up and began to tear up, “No they won’t! Not on my body, they only look stunning on thinner woman...”

He let go of your shoulder and pulled you in for a kiss, “Is that what you think, my love? Because that’s not true, none of that matters I know you will look even more stunning than the women on these magazines, you’re absolutely gorgeous and I love you so much. None of that matters.”

His words make your heart flutter and slowly he helps you gain confidence.

You end up choosing an elegant and glittery wedding dress. 

You leave everyone in awe as you look like an absolute goddess when you walk down the aisle with your dad to Jumin.

     👓 Saeyoung 👓 

You and Saeyoung were both laughing in bed as you watched memes on your phone when suddenly the vibe turned into a hot and steamy moment.

Saeyoung leaned into you as he pressed his lips against yours. You backed up soon completely laying down on the bed with him on top of you.

That was until you pushed him off of you in a hurry and sat up at the edge of the bed as Saeyoung sat against the bedpost. 

He felt so bad and you felt so ashamed. It was overall really awkward as you both suffered in silence.

“Sorry Mc... good night- I just uh remembered I had some unfinished work.” Saeyoung was walking out the door when you stopped him and made him sit back down on the bed.

You explained how you felt insecure in doing intimate things with him because of your body, worried about what he would think and he was heartbroken.

“Are you kidding Mc? You’re absolutely gorgeous. It doesn’t matter what size you are. Why do you think I wouldn’t love your body, I love everything about you.”

     🌚 Saeran 🌚 

You and Saeran were cuddling on the couch with some ice cream while binging on some shows on Netflix. Wanna Netflix and chill?  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

When a sexy scene came up you nervously looked around the dimmed room with a flustered face.

That was when Saeran noticed as he grinned and pushed you down onto the comfy cushions.

Your breathing hitched as he began to slide his hand up your thighs.

That was when you pushed him off and sat up flustered as you quickly apologized and left the room into the bedroom.

Saeran immediately went after you and found you curled up on your shared bed.

“Mc what’s wrong?”

When you explained you felt insecure about your body, he was mad.

“You’re an idiot, don’t assume stuff and misunderstand things on your own!” He yelled at you but when he saw your upset face he felt bad.

“You’re gorgeous, everything about you. Including your body. I love you just the way you are, remember that...”

    ♧ Jihyun ♧ 

He could take the hint you weren’t happy with something about yourself when you would always decline his offer to take your pictures.

Jihyun was really mad at himself, he really wanted to help you but he didn’t know how because he didn’t know what was upsetting you.

He wished you would tell him what, but you always brushed him off and he didn’t want to force you to talk about it.

One day things got heated in the bedroom and Jihyun slowly approached you.

But eventually things got overwhelming at one point as evil voices in your head kept yelling at you of how Jihyun would hate your body just the way you hated yours.

“Jihyun... wait, I’m sorry I don’t think I’m ready.” He nodded as he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Do you, perhaps want to talk about it angel?” He expected you to brush it off again but instead you decided to tell him this time.

When he heard everything his heart dropped, a lump in his throat and his eyes looked so sad.

“You’re beautiful, no matter what size you are. No matter what you look like. I love you so much, dear. Thank you for telling me, I’ll help you get over those voices in your head.”

I’m so sorry this took me so long requester. By the way a friendly anony taught me how to use bullets! Now I can go over my writing in google translate yes I do that I know it’s weird haha without it going like “New moon face Saeran kissed your cheeks. New moon face you blushed with a tingling feeling etc. etc. They always read the emoji’s out loud they were slowly killing me.

                                              ٩(๑･ิᴗ･ิ)۶٩(･ิᴗ･ิ๑)۶

#mysme #mystic messenger headcanons #mystic messenger #mysme headcanons #Jihyun #Jihyun Kim #Mysme Jihyun #mystic messenger jihyun #mystic messenger v #mysme zen #mysme jumin #mysme yoosung #mysme saeran #mysme saeyoung #mysme jaehee #mysme baehee #mystic messenger jaehee #mystic messenger jumin #mystic messenger yoosung #mystic messenger Saeyoung #mystic messenger Saeran #mystic messenger Zen

[lvanter]

note: content??? from josie ??????? never heard of her

warning: swearing, some sexual ,, references,, sdgsjd (nothing bad i promise)

wc: 1.1k

watching you perform. skz

chan

chan my baby

you had told him about the performance but he hadn’t seen any of it and didn’t know what the concept was

so when you show up on the stage in some fucking silk shirt and glittery makeup he went :o

now,, chan has obviously seen you at different award shows—he's seen you all dressed up and pretty before but idk man your stylist just went fuck chan lives and made you look like a god

chan is sitting like :o before the music even started,,

when the music did start and he realized it was a sexy (sexier) remix of your most recent comeback he froze completely

congratulations, you broke him

he’s in awe

you look and sound amazing ;; he cannot look away from you

definitely gonna show you how much he loves you take that as you want *wink wink*

minho!!

mr minho pls return my calls you need to pay child support ,,, it’s me,, i’m the child you need to support

when you and minho started dating you made a pact sdfhdjsjsfg

basically it was just ‘show the other 10 seconds of your new song or performance’

the reason for the pact being you were each other’s biggest fans and wanted previews

you had shown minho the 10 seconds but nothing could prepare him for the entirety of the performance

he was blown away,, jaw down on the floor, eyes glued to you moving around gracefully on the stage

like he knew you were sexy ( ,, i hate the word sexy sdgshdjs) as fuck but holy shit you went off and minho didn’t know how to feel

on the outside he was sitting calmly, singing along and tapping his foot to the beat but on the inside,,,,, you best believe he was going “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

after the award show he found you and gave you a big smooch and maybe something else but i’m not gonna get about that

changbin

mr. seo, hello.

not saying he mouthed “what the fuck” when your performance began but he most definitely mouthed “what the fuck” (in a good way sdfgdhgh)

also not saying he got just a tiny bit turned on while watching you work you magic

ew i really typed thatdfhsbddjsj

changbin was just looking at you with heart eyes the entire time

when you showed up on the big screen he felt like his heart was gonna beat out of his chest because like !! that’s you!! his partner!!! you’re his!!! he’s yours!!! what a concept !!!!!!!!!!!!

you’re just fucking killing it on the stage and changbin is just aaaaaAAAAAAAAA

you best believe he’s gonna be talking about this for a loooooong time

he’s just so proud of you bc like youre really out there!!!! doing shit!!!!! and looking hella good while doing it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hyunjin

fucking hwang hyunjin that demon

hyunjin is a dramatic boy

he is also your biggest fan and will fuking die if you do something

when i say something i mean anything at all,,,,, he’s just so in love with you and finds everything you do adorable (except when you come for his neck and do something seccy)

the first 30 seconds of your performance he’s just sat there like,,,, (♡o♡)

but then after he’s over his holy shit you’re performing he goes into Fan Mode,,,

which includes, but not limited to, screaming, crying, feeling like death, we’ve all been there

seriously,,, he so in love with the way you move on stage ,,,,and in general but especially on stage

you’re so elegant,and hot at the same time and hyunjin is losing his mind

jisung

okay han jisung i see u

jisung is your #1 hype man, has been since before you even started dating and he is Proud Of His Title

he hypes you up no matter what you do

you took a bath?? you wrote a song?? you learned something completely useless?? jisung is in the background with a sign that says THATS MY MF BABEY!!!!!!!!!!!! yelling loudly how proud he is

but ,, unfortunately,, he can’t do that doing a award show :(( chan told him no :(( so did his manager :(( :(( sad boi hours

but that didn’t mean he wasn’t screaming in his head but he was calm on the outside on singing along like any other idol would

he’s just !!!!!!!!!!!!aaaaaaAAAAAA YOURE DOING SO WELL!!!!!!!!!!THATS HIS MF BABY!!!!!!!!!!!

you best fucking believe you’re getting a bunch of kithes when he sees you backstage

felix

felix yes hello

felix b like Hello I Am Very Proud Of My MY Baby At All Times No Matter What Fucking Fight Me

he had seen the set list and knew you were gonna perform but HolY Shit he wasn’t ready

the fit! the vocals! the rap! the performance! his baby!!!

he went from (･□･) to (♡□♡) in less than 0.5 seconds

like okay He knew you were a fucking god but AAAAA you look so good!!!!!! what the fuck!!!!!!!!!

you did sosososososososo well and felix was sososososososososososososo proud

he’s trying to keep it lowkey but ultimately failing when you winked at the camera, he felt his soul leave his body

God (Name) Shut The Fuck Up I Have An Image!

seungmin

rapper!seungmin needs a comeback okay bye

seungmin. yes. king of looking at you like you’re a complete idiot while still loving the fuck out of you. yes.

you, obviously, told seungmin about the performance the second you knew it was happening

so he knew it was happening — he was prepared

of so he thought

he was not prepared. at all.

he malfunctioned. very much.

you! YOU!!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jeongin waved his hand in front of seungmins face bc my boy was in a daze

he was soooooo focused on your movement, clapping hard when the performance was done

jeongin

jeongin stop growing juseyo

jeongin was REEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADY for your performance

he had been anticipating your performance the entire day,, and boy oh boy,, when it happened !!!!!!!!!!!!!

he was almost jumping up and down in his seat, but minho stopped him and held him down :(( minho u bitch

you always amaze him, even when you’re just breathing so when youre on stage,,, doing ur thing,,,,,,, he’s so fucjing in love with u oh my gOD

his mouth is slightly open and his eyes are glued to you, watching very , very , carefully so he can remember everything . e v e r y t h i n g

bruh when you get down from stage and meet him backstage be prepared bc hes not letting you go for the rest of the night

#stray kids #stray kids scenarios #stray kids scenario #stray kids imagines #stray kids reactions #stray kids x reader #stray kids x idol!reader #idol!reader #skz scenarios #skz imagines #skz x reader #chan scenarios #minho scenarios #changbin scenarios #hyunjin scenarios #han jisung scenarios #felix scenarios #seungmin scenarios #jeongin scenarios #bang chan scenarios #lee know scenarios #han scenarios #i.n scenarios

[softguks]

cherry

note: here’s another rather sad, angsty drabble! i promise i have a fluffy fic coming soon!

synopsis: in which she learns to love again

warnings: angst, break-up, sadness

pairing: shawn mendes x reader

shawn remembers her with perfect clarity, the image of her burned clearly and crisply into his mind, set in stone in a way he will never forget. y/n was a uni student, one freshly out of high school and yet with quite a bit of sharpness and intelligence to her, one of the qualities he found most attractive. her cheeks were always tinted with a rosy shade of pink, her eyes bright and wondrous. she was simply consumed by wanderlust. his favorite part about her, though, was and is still her lips. they were perfectly-shaped and cherry colored, with just the right amount of natural plumpness without overdoing it. he loved kissing her, and the taste still lingers on the tip of his tongue: sweet.

—

the black clock on the wall ticks away slowly, a reminder of the little time she has left until her presentation. if all goes well, she could be promoted and possibly, if she dared to hope enough, acquire the position of CEO.

y/n gnaws anxiously on her bottom lip, her white lace blouse a stark contrast against the deep navy of her silk suit pants. her heels click against the floors, her fingers shaking as she smiles nervously at the room of people. important people, sitting in chairs with pens and lined notepads all staring intently at her with encouraging smiles.

she begins her presentation with a mind full of words and a heart full of hope.

—

• three months later •

y/n struts in confidently, the room suddenly quieting as they stare at the powerful figure in awe and admiration. she wears a navy blue dress with a plunging neckline lined with lace, hugging her body in all the right ways. it’s simple, matching the hue of her heels as they click on the linoleum tiles, her glittery eyes trailing the porcelain statues stationed in the front. her hair cascades down in a silky curtain of curled ringlets, a humble smile on her face as she laughs at something a well-dressed man says.

y/n has never felt prouder. since her first heats fresh out of high-school she had been incredibly lost, searching for adventure and seeking refuge in the little cafe at the corner of Bluebonnet Crossway. From a broke uni student working long hours as a waitress, to a newly renowned CEO feeling better than ever.

she holds a glass of expensive champagne, bubbling in the tall glass as she makes small talk with a few friends.

“y/n...”

shawn wears a loose black dress shirt and black dress pants, hair frilling out as he smiles at her. he doesn’t expect her to smile back so sincerely, the ache in his chest growing with each kind smile she flashes at him.

he’s never missed someone so fiercely, a painful ache in his chest every morning he wakes up. it’s the tingle in the back of his throat, the unshed tears pooling in the corners of his caramel eyes, the bitter aftertaste in his mouth as he stares at her picture in a magazine or on an ad in new york city. happiness is such a beautiful color on her and he hates it in some sick, twisted way. happiness means that she’s moved on from him when he’s stuck, regretting his choices and wishing he could turn back time. because he loved her so much with such passion that it hurt, and now it burns.

“shawn! it’s been so long, how are you? congrats on your new album!”

“thank you. you look as beautiful as ever, love.”

the pet name stirs a familiar repressed feeling in the pit of her stomach. it brings forth memories, and yet it doesn’t feel like love anymore. shawn will always have a piece of her heart, and yet it doesn’t belong to him anymore.

“as do you, mendes. we should catch up sometime. coffee or tea and cake at that cafe?”

“like a...like a date perhaps?”

he regrets it immediately, watching as her face twists into one of repulsion and hurt. “no, as friends and only as friends.”

“but, would you ever, give me a chance?”

“i already did didn’t i? and see where that got us.”, she snorts bitterly, fidgeting with a bracelet.

“i’m sorry. i never meant to-“

“stop. stop. don’t,” she inhales sharply, “don’t come back with excuses and apologies. they aren’t enough to fix what you broke, and we will never be shawn and y/n again. you had a chance and you wasted it, i’m all out of second chances. don’t take me as a stupid fool, the girl who always goes back because of some cheesy confession you don’t mean.”

she’s breathing heavily, eyes trained on him with such pain and coldness before sighing and walking off in the direction of the stage to present her speech.

—

“hello ladies and gentlemen. let’s start by introducing myself. i’m y/n l/n. i started my journey as a new college student, just graduated high school and with no absolute clue what i wanted to do or what my “dream career” was. i worked at a little cafe on the corner of Bluebonnet Crossway, next to a florist shop where i would work everyday for twelve hours. i was broke, desperate, and confused, stumbling through different career paths and becoming what people wanted me to be rather than what i wanted to be.

i had this image in my head, the perfect life where i would be able to please everybody. where i chased after pride and success, all along losing myself in the process. and then i met a man, who completely changed me. he made me so incredibly happy, and as cheesy as it is, he was my everything. i started imagining and daydreaming the life planned out with him, and i thought he was the one, i thought we were endgame. and then well, he decided that i wasn’t enough for him. and he left me, without much of an explanation, broken and crashing onto the pavement all alone. it hurt so much to know that i wasn’t worth an explanation.

my whole life, i’ve been chasing after success, to please everybody, trying to find the perfect man and boyfriend to fix me, to love me, and to be with. i’ve realized, that i was searching so desperately for love, when i didn’t love the person who truly mattered. me. now, standing here in this room, is a place i never thought i would be able to reach. i’m so truly thankful and grateful for everyone, especially my ex-boyfriend. he taught me that i have to love myself before anything else, and since then, everything’s gotten better. so to everyone out there, broken, damaged, and alone. do not give up, please don’t give up. you deserve good things. thank you.”

the audience breaks into thundering applause, and y/n doesn’t realize she’s crying until she wipes away wet droplets and streams slipping down her cheeks. she smiles sadly and softly at shawn, watching his eyes grow misty.

shawn misses her so much. her speech was so powerful, a punch to the gut, a harsh slap of reality. he’s crying now, unable to comprehend anything other than the fact that he misses her. and he misses her cherry lips that could fix even the most brokenness of things.

permanent taglist: @sunrise-shawn @curlsofshawn @tell-me-when-ur-ready @particularnervous @artemissravenclaw @heyits-claire @shawnieeboyy @turtoix @leiamutuals @waiting-to-be-myself @michellemxndes @devilmendes @imaginashawnns @autumnlyholland @goldenmndes @ly--canthrope @shawns-sunflower @peacedolantwins2 @justanotherfangurl272 @meowinggiraffe @emma1the3queen @shawn-youth @feliciaceciliamariajacobsson @loserloverb @ykicantbefoundwithyou @mendols @causeshesinlovewithme @mendes-monarch @luvluvxx @meatte @ashwarren32 (lmk if you want to be added/removed)

#softguks #shawn mendes blurb #shawn blurb #shawn fluff #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes angst #shawn angst #shawn mendes fic #shawn fic #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn fanfic

[daily-lps]

i let a bunch of requests pile up and theres a LOT of them so instead of answering in an ask like i normally do, im putting them under a readmore right here! if youve sent me a request in the past maybe 2 weeks? (sorry thats such a long time!) and its not here feel free to resend it!

Anonymous said to daily-lps: Could you post the glittery lps giraffe ? I think she's 2349 !! I have her in my collection and named her Joy and I feel like we could all use some joy right now 🙈💖

we definitely could! this one is in the queue (by the time ive finished this post it may have alreayd been posted!)

Anonymous said to daily-lps: did you post the vip pink mouse plush yet? i had one when i was little and i just remembered it existed :'3

i saw a few different pink mice so i queued the one with the most solid colour, if your mouse was a different one let me know!

Anonymous said to daily-lps: Could I request the plush LPS online penguin?? Idk what his number was or anything but I think he was fancy, he was purple or blue with gold accents and little gold cuffs 🥺

queued! i dont think any of the plushes have numbers so no worries 

Anonymous said to daily-lps: not sure if you posted these, but #469 , a corgi (it wasn’t the regular build, huge head, blue eyes, had a hat) and a golden retriever (which appeared to be one of the earlier pets and was sitting down, facing forward). those were my three favorites, I only played with them pretty much, #469 has his back leg eaten off by my sis’s pet corgi, so I made him a clay implant ahhaha

oh no that poor pet! i have posted #469 and may have posted the golden retriever too, depending if #21 is the pet youre looking for! as for your corgi, im not certain which one this is! i think i know which mold you mean, but im not sure which pet exactly it is. do you remember the colour of its fur? this will help me narrow it down!

1980 said to daily-lps: could you do #575? thank you!

xx-glitterfied-space-cats-xx said to daily-lps: have ya posted lps 2580?? they're a super duper cute purple raccoon with a fluffy tail, m not sure if you've posted them yet

Anonymous said to daily-lps: the glittery purple rabbitt..?? the number is #2296 it is so cute !!!!!!

these three are all queued!

punkloverboy said to daily-lps: i feel like ive scoured the entire internet looking 4 this so it might be a long shot but i had a little butterfly im pretty sure it was yellow but it didn't have legs like most of them, just a big head, a little body, and wings. if u know which one it was that would mean sm ive looked everywhere lol

im honestly not sure what pet this is, im so sorry! ive never heard of a butterfly without legs, and the only thing i could think of was if the legs somehow broke off at some point? but im not sure! sorry i couldnt be more help ):

Anonymous said to daily-lps: hi! can you post the purple penguin with a pink belly, it was from that line of bigger lps like 15 ish cm tall? I had one and she was my best friend as a kid. and or maybe the black and white penguin plushie? (I really like penguins haha) (Also I just found your blog and I think its very cool! :] ) hi again I'm the anon from the penguin ask! I scrolled a bit further ur blog and found the thing that has the lps numbers so the purple/pink penguin is #1448 (apparently there's both a normal version and a deco pet 15 cm one, that's kinda cool :0 )

thank you for finding the number for me! these pets are both queued! (and im glad you lke my blog!)

and here are some non request asks!

free-smarters said to daily-lps: I have a TON of lps plushies but i never got to play lps online, i was into club penguin a lot when i was little and by the time i got any plushies i think the website was shut down? I have gotten most of my lps from thrift stores or online shopping since i like the older ones a lot and when i became hyperfixated on lps they were being phased out.

thats a little sad! although i guess lps online was basically club penguin but with littlest pet shop characters :p but i had the same experience with becoming hyperfixated on lps as they were being phased out, although i was also pretty into them as a kid. i had like a little break between then and now and i had gotten rid of all my lps it was very sad ):

Anonymous said to daily-lps: just wanted to say thanks for running this blog! i loved lps when i was little, it's fun to see all my friends again (and so many new ones too!)

youre so welcome! its fun to run it so im glad you like it!

Anonymous said to daily-lps: One of my most vivid memories as a kid was my uncle buying me the lpso dachshund plush. When I went to register the code online, I accidentally hacked into someone else's account and played on it instead! I got really confused when I started out with 12 pets I didn't have the plush for

what!!! thats nuts! how do you accidentally hack into someone elses account? a glitch maybe? that mustve been a wild ride

Anonymous said to daily-lps: Not a request but I just wanted you to know I found your blog absolutely at the right time, was feeling kinda low after reading the news and these are so cute it made me smile. Keep doing what you’re doing!

im so glad i helped pick up your mood a bit, take care of yourself anon 💕

Anonymous said to daily-lps: Me.

todays littlest pet shop of the day is: YOU! (#1)

#mod post #not lps #HOO this took a while i should not do that again haha sorry!

[goldenmessenger]

TS Actor AU: Reach Out Your Hand Pt 1

Summary: Before recovery can come, you have to admit you have a problem first. In 2019, Roman’s been clean for about 6 years. In 2011, however? Clean is a long way away. He’s alone. Isolated. No-one to turn to. Except he might have one person. But Roman’s ignored him for the last 4 years. But then the voicemail comes.

Read on Ao3 here.

A/N: Hey everyone! So, I’m currently working on a multi-chapter fic set after the last two fics. But that’s probably going to take me a while. So in the meantime, have this fic that’s set 8 years before the others. This is some backstory on Roman, Remus, and Dillon, and how Roman got on the first steps to recovery. Also, I meant for this to be a one-shot, but it’s going to be a two-parter. It’s too long to post all at once. I apologize in advance for this, it’s really intense and a lot of whump and angst. I promise part 2 will make up for everything, and that’ll be up tomorrow.

As usual, let me know if you want to be added to the taglist! And once again, I apologize.

Content Warnings: Drunken texts, drug abuse, drug overdose, mild violence (vague mention), self-deprecating thoughts and language, whump, angst

****************************

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Sent at 11:24pm

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx:

happhy B-day roe

its me Rekus

Remus

i gootta new phonee 

im sorry

iwas the worts 

woest

worsr 

Cant typw

To drukn 

Miss u tho

First b-day wit out u

Do u mis me to?

See u on th news

Got that moie 

Movie deal u wanted

Hop ur doin wel 

That ur happy

M not

Mis u

Love u

****************************

Friday, March 20, 2009

Sent at 2:00 pm

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx:

Hey Ro, happy birthday,

it’s me again. 

I wanna apologize for the mess that I sent last year. Thought you’d like to know I’m in a much better place now.

I’m in college in San Francisco, probably gonna live there after.

Gotta boyfriend, just like you always said you would if we didn’t have to deal with everyone’s expectations.

Went to therapy, boyfriend’s idea

Though he was just a best friend then

It’s been really helpful. 

I was so awful to you. 

I honestly wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see me again

You don’t have to forgive me, I just want a chance to talk

If you want to meet up

Just let me know

****************************

Saturday, March 20, 2010

 Sent at 10:00 am

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

Hey Ro

Happy birthday again. 

At this point, I know you probably won’t reply

This probably isn’t even your number anymore. 

I don’t know why I keep texting you though

Closure, perhaps?

An inability to let go?

Whatever it is, it’s kinda sad

I can’t stop though

If by any chance you are reading this, please respond

I don’t care if it’s to say you hate me, or never want to talk to me again, please

I need you

I need my brother

****************************

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Sent at 10:00 am

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

Happy birthday Ro!

This will probably be the last time I text you. 

My boyfriend, Dillon, pointed out that if you were going to reply, you would’ve already

I need to move on

I need to heal 

I still love you though 

You’ll always be my brother

****************************

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Sent at 11:00 am

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

Ro

Ro, what the hell?

I know I said that I wouldn’t text again 

But I just saw the news

You punched someone?

What on earth

I’d honestly be kinda proud of you if I wasn’t worried

Are you doing ok? 

That’s not like you. 

I was always the violent one. 

I know what I said before, but if you need anyone to talk to, I’m here. 

I won’t be waiting for you anymore, but I’ll still be here for you, if you need me.

All you need to do is reach out.

****************************

Sunday, August 15, 2011

Missed Call at 1:00 am

Voicemail from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

 “Ro—Roman! Please, please tell me you’re there, that you’re alright—

I just heard, apparently you’ve been missing for two weeks? Two whole weeks, and I didn’t know—

Please call me back, or text if that works better! Please, no one knows where you are, if you’re ok, nothing!

I — I can’t lose you Roman.

I mean, maybe I did already, maybe I did a long time ago—

But that was different. At least you were alive. You were happy. At least, I thought you were happy. I’m not so sure about that anymore. 

But if by some miracle, some crazy insane miracle you still have this number, if you’re ok, please please let me know. 

I love you so much Ro. 

I don’t think I ever said it enough, but I do. So, so much. 

I hope wherever you are, you’re ok.”

****************************

The dark hotel room was illuminated only by the screen of his phone. He stared at it with glassy eyes, unseeing, as the message finished playing. Roman was leaning against the bed, sitting on the floor. His phone was gleaming on the ground next to him. 

Roman had read Remus’s texts as they came, of course, but he hadn’t thought they were sincere. That they were real. Nothing else in his life was, not even his own parents. So why should his own twin be an exception? But he didn’t delete the texts or block the number. He let the messages keep coming. And he didn’t know why. 

Maybe because part of him had wanted to hope. Why else would he be where he was now? Why else would he have used the most of the little money he had left to get himself here? Here in a dingy little motel on the edge of San Francisco. He hadn’t told anyone where he was going, not that anyone cared. Maybe Remy might’ve. Remy, who Roman realized now might’ve been his only real friend. At least, he could’ve been, if Roman hadn’t pushed him away when Remy had attempted to convince Roman he had a problem. Pushed him away just like Roman had done to everything else good in his life. 

That’s why he hadn’t contacted Remus yet. Why he’d sat here in this room with it’s flea-ridden bed and peeling wallpaper for almost two weeks now, only leaving to buy food from the nearby convenience store. Remus’s texts had seemed like he was doing well. Roman had looked at his Facebook too. Remus was in college, was living with his boyfriend, a job working as a tech at a local theater. He seemed happy. Roman couldn’t bring himself to ruin that like he ruined everything else. 

But that voicemail—he hadn’t ever heard Remus sound so frightened before. So worried. And about Roman, of all people. Why? Why on earth? Sure, they’d been close as kids, but they hadn’t even been in the same room for years. And Roman had ignored all of Remus’s attempts to make contact since. He couldn’t understand it. It made his head hurt. He was feeling bitterly jittery, and not very glittery. 

That was a weird sentence. When did his thoughts stop making sense? He needed his pills, needed them. He couldn’t deal with all of these thoughts and emotions. He needed them to go away. He needed them to stop. He fumbled on all fours for the bottle, and finally found it, open and empty. That wasn’t right, it’d been full only...only...he couldn’t remember. A wave of dizziness hit him, and he pitched forward, face planting into the ground. 

Something wasn’t right. Why was his brain so fuzzy. Everything hurt so much, he couldn’t think. He needed help. He needed Remus. He somehow managed to find his phone, and hit the contact simply labeled “R.”

The phone rang. And rang. Finally, it was picked up. And a familiar voice spoke.

****************************

Remus ran his hand through his sleeping boyfriend’s hair. It was a calming motion that somewhat helped to calm his racing mind. But not by much. Dillon had attempted to convince Remus to rest, but Remus couldn’t sleep. Not when Roman was missing. He’d gotten the news around midnight, from a former friend of Roman’s, Remy. 

Remy had been the one to tell Remus that Roman had been struggling with a drug addiction, though Remy didn’t know how long. He’d tried to get Roman some help as soon as he found out, but the other man had rejected it and broke off their friendship. Remy had gone to Roman’s apartment that morning to attempt to repair their relationship, with the hope that he could eventually convince Roman to get some help. But he was nowhere to be found. The door was unlocked, and there was two weeks worth of mail on the floor. He’d found Remus’s number on accident, on a post-it on Roman’s fridge, labeled “Bro.” That’s when he’d called Remus and, upon finding out he was Roman’s brother, told him everything.

Remus didn’t quite understand why Roman had his number saved like that, but the more pressing concern was finding Roman. Remus attempted to call Roman several times, each one going straight to voicemail.

He didn’t blame Dillon for falling asleep though. Remus would if he could. He couldn’t though. The hand that wasn’t running through Dillon’s hair had a death grip on his phone. He couldn’t stop staring at it, praying to anyone who would listen that it would ring.

He didn’t know what he expected though. Roman had never responded to him in the past, so why would now be any diff— 

“I’m a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie wooorld

Life in plastic, it’s fantastic...”

Remus startled as his phone’s ringtone filled the room. Next to him, Dillon shifted and blinked tiredly at him. 

“Why on earth do you still have that obnoxious song as your ringtone?” Dillon questioned, a little grumpy at being woken so unceremoniously. 

“You can brush my hair, undress me everywheere

Imagination, life is your creation...”

Remus could barely hear him. He could barely hear his own ringtone. All he could do was stare at the name that lit up the screen.

Lil bRO(man)

“Come on, Barbie, let's go party!”

Dillon looked up at Remus, the sleep slowly fading from his gaze as his brain slowly began to catch up.

“Re, what’s wrong?”

“I’m a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie wooorld

Life in plastic, it’s fantastic...”

The chorus of the song began to repeat, and Remus knew he was running out of time. This was something he’d wanted for years, and now, it was happening right in front of him. But he was frozen. For some reason, he couldn’t answer the phone.

“You can brush my hair, undress me everywheere…”

When Remus didn’t respond, Dillon sat up, and saw the phone lying limp in his boyfriend’s grasp.

“Imagination, life is you—”

Quick as a lightning bolt, Dillon grabbed the phone and hit ANSWER before it could go to voicemail. Almost as quick, he hit the speaker button.

There was a long moment of silence. Too long. Finally, Remus’s voice returned.

“Ro, is that you?” He asked, hopefully. “Are you ok, are you hurt, where—”

“Re. I— I didn’t acshully think you’d anshwer.”

Roman’s familiar voice leaked through the speakers like water through a broken dam. Despite Remus’s relief, however, he immediately recognized something was wrong. One look at Dillon’s face told Remus that he’d heard it too. The way Roman’s words slurred themselves together. Remus took a deep breath. He knew how to handle this. He just needed to stay calm.

“Of course I would.” Remus said sincerely. “Ro, why don’t you tell me where you are? Maybe I can come to you and we can have this conversation in person?”

However, Roman didn’t seem to hear Remus’s question.

“I meshed up Re, meshed up big time, I ran ‘way from evything ‘cause I shcrewed up, an’ now I’m losht an’ allone an’ I jus’ wanted to hear your voishe one lasht time…”

Remus felt his heart seize in panic at those words. He grabbed the phone out of Dillon’s hands as the man looked on worriedly. Remus clutched that phone like it was his lifeline. No, Roman’s lifeline.

“Roman, wait, what do you mean, one last time? Where are you, what’s going on?”

“Ate too many of th’ pret-ty white circles, and now I can’ shtand up right and m’ brain won’ work.”

Roman’s voice grew thick, and it began to sound like he was crying.

“M sorry Re, ‘m an awful brother. I can’ do anything righ’ an’ I was too much of a cow-ward to tell you I was here.”

Remus’s eyes widened in shock as his brain processed the information. White circles, didn’t a lot of pills take that form? Including addictive ones. And Roman was here? San Francisco?

He looked over to Dillon to find that his boyfriend had his own phone out, and was callling someone. Dillon caught his gaze, and mouthed 911. Keep him talking. Remus took a deep breath. He needed to keep it together. For Roman’s sake. 

“Roman, you’re going to be fine, just tell me where you are, and I’ll be right there. You said that you’re here? Where is here?”

“Th’ golden ci-ty, home of Saint Franny. Wan-ed to talk to you, couldn’ get up th’ nerve. ‘M in this shtupid lil hot-tel, it schucks. Bayshide Mot-tel, I think. Rom 320. Picked it cause it wash our birth-dayte.”

Remus quickly glanced over to Dillon urgently, and his boyfriend began relaying Roman’s location to the paramedics. 

“Ro, we’ll be right there, just hold on, ok? We’re on our way.” 

No response.

“Roman, Roman!”

Silence echoed from the other end of the line. 

“No, nononononono no! Roman, please!”

In a dark dingy motel room several miles away, the only sound was a brother’s anguished cries, and the only light was that of a cracked phone screen next to a limp hand.

****************************

AN: Again, I’m really sorry about this cliffhanger, and I will fix it tomorrow.

****************************

TAGLIST:

@ironwoman359

@galacticguppy

@trashpanda-remus 

@atticusfinchthelegend

@ravenclawunicorn1

@voidvirgil

@dogwithpants

@dreaming-about-kittens

#ts actor au #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfic #my writing #my au #remus sanders #deceit sanders #roman sanders #remy sanders #sympathetic deceit sanders #sympathetic remus sanders

[blkpnkwriting]

something to nothing

part i. / part ii.

Lisa x Reader

Warnings: swearing, alcohol, all the Lisa angst

Word count: 6,414

NOTE: “Hi!! Not sure if ur taking requests or not and I'm super sorry for bothering u with this if ur not but if u r, is it possible to request a part 2 for something to nothing? Love ur writing by the way!! Thanks for all the amazing stories!!”

there was also another request that i lost in tumblr for this as well aslkdfjaslkdjg SORRY but omg here we are and i sincerely hope everyone enjoys !!!

happy holidays and happy new year’s !!! xoxo Q 💕

    “I’m sorry,” you whispered brokenly. Again.

    How many times was it going to be like this? Salt stained lips parted and you watched as Jennie didn’t bother to wipe them away even as you slipped the back of your hand across your mouth. The same gesture meant to clear the memory away as well.

    Every time you closed your eyes and tried to let Jennie near, all you could picture was her.

    Jennie knew and she understood. A sad smile appeared like it always did and she wrapped you in her arms, expecting the tears to fall more freely as they often did on her shoulder. The sobs cracked through your ribs. You couldn’t keep doing this to Jennie. Told her that. The only response you got in return was always the same. That she would always be there for you, to be the strength you couldn’t find some days.

    It wasn’t fair.

          .♡.

    You had found a dear friend in Jennie. In some ways, you thought she needed you too. You frequented the bar she tended most weekends, when there was the time to spare. Drinks were on the house but you tipped her anyway, sneaking the bills into the jar when she wasn’t looking, lest she pull them out and toss them back in your face with a blown kiss. She was too good to you, and god, why couldn’t you just fall in love with her instead?

    Maybe it had something to do with the fact that her heart wasn’t completely in it either. You never asked — never felt your place to — but there was something holding her back. Someone. And you knew just where to look in her features to catch that glimpse of regret you were all together too familiar with.

    It was fleeting. But if you were careful, you could see it. In the late hours of the bar, when there were few to serve and mindless chores to cater, Jennie would stand there. At the end of the bar, cleaning a glass that had already been polished. Cat-like eyes staring off into the inky dark distance but with a melancholy to them that made your heart weep. It would last a moment, and then she would find her answer somewhere out there in the black and look away. The moment would pass. You would look away before she could notice you watching her.

    You’d never want to interrupt a moment like that, especially ask about it.

          .♡.

    “The bar’s hosting a Christmas party this weekend,” Jennie informed, sliding over your usual lemon vodka on the rocks. You opened your mouth to reply (to decline) but she knew you better by now and continued, “And you’re coming. I want you to meet my friend, Jisoo. You’ll love her, and that way, you won’t feel alone while I’m trying to be two people at once.”

    “There’s no use arguing, is there?” you replied, smirking. You took a sip from the tumbler, smacking your lips at how she managed to perfectly mix it every time. You didn’t even need to pop in the lemon wedge she sliced neatly and perched on the rim.

    Jennie shook her head with a smile. “You’ll enjoy it. And you’ll need to dress up. It’s an event, actually. We’re part of the Santa Claus pub crawl but we also have our own costume party during it, so people dress up as anything Christmas related. Best ugly sweater gets free drinks for the rest of the night!”

    “Ugly sweater it is.” The thought of meeting Jennie’s friend dressed as Slutty Mrs. Claus was less than appealing.

    The bartender laughed despite herself, only stopping to take an order from a man who had stepped up beside you. The beer hissed, bubbling over slightly as she cracked the top off with practice and tossed the cap into a bucket nearby, handing over the drink. “You mean you don’t want to dress up as some promiscuous version of Vixen? You won’t be the only one.”

    “I’ll pass,” you scoffed behind your drink. When Jennie raised a brow and you rolled your eyes, you amended, “On the costume. I’ll come to the party.”

          .♡.

    You were regretting the stuffy, ugly Christmas sweater by your fourth drink. That might’ve been the alcohol making it worse. Or the amount of people crammed in the bar.

    Jisoo was just as amazing as Jennie promised. More than, even. The girl never met a stranger, a personality so charming it made you jealous because how could someone be so perfect? Nonetheless, she did well in keeping you involved and keeping you happy. Freeing your mind the second a storm cloud looked about ready to pass over your face. And if you were beginning to sulk, she made sure to push another drink into your hand and add another kiss mark to your cheek. She said it was a tally on how many you shots you had taken but you were sure they were starting to overlap and lose mark.

    “I need some air!” you shouted over the strange variation of club and Christmas music that you actually quite liked even if you couldn’t hear anything else.

    “Want me to come with you?” Jisoo yelled back, already setting down her mostly empty drink, licking shimmering pink lips that oddly enough reminded you of a heart. Behind her, Jennie was taking the glass away, glancing at you every few seconds.

    “No, I’ll be right back!”

    Jisoo’s hand hesitated on your arm as you turned to walk away. Your eyes scanned the crowd, a mix of Santa Clauses in various stages of undress, reindeer, elves, and whatever remotely related to the holiday. There was even a girl who managed to pull off wearing a set of bows as her outfit, and you had to applaud her bravery. It looked great but you could never. Setting your best course through the sea of merriness, you started off.

    The room tilted and you stumbled into a shirtless partier. You were going to apologize for being so rude and jostling his drink down his glittery chest, but over his shoulder you saw her.

    Or so you thought.

    The words lodged in your throat. The bump forgotten. The man moved on without foul but you were craning your neck and trying to find the vision again. You couldn’t, and you were thinking it wasn’t even real, but the bile that tainted your mouth was and you had to get outside now.

    The crisp air burned in your lungs but you gulped it down anyway. It steadied you, brought sobriety to your brain. What little it could. Most days were spent in some level of stupor because you couldn’t handle it. Anything. And this was proof. One little glimpse of disheveled blonde hair and high cheekbones and you thought it was her. There were plenty of girls out there who probably looked like her.

    Lie.

    Why couldn’t you move on?

    Because you love her.

    But she moved on, she’s with someone else, she’s happier without you —

    Stop. Please.

    Brick dug into the palms of your hands. You had managed to stumble around the side of the bar, somewhere Jennie couldn’t see you. And couldn’t save you. God, you were going to throw up right here, weren’t you?

    It had been months. Too long. Just the mere sight of her made you sick. Because she wasn’t yours.

    Never had been and never will be.

    Drunken calls and whoops echoed down the alley, disorienting you further as they bounced. Red and green lights flickered above you, hanging like drops of dyed ice from the gutters and awnings. You were still hot and you were reaching down to rip off your sweater, sit down in the dirty snow under you, wanting to cry —

    “She’s here, isn’t she?”

    The voice cut through the cold haze. You looked up sharply to see Jennie slipping and sliding a little in her heels as she navigated the alley toward you, stopping only to put a steadying hand on your shoulder. You were keeled over, you realized, looking about ready to retch. The moment she touched you, hell, the moment you heard Jennie’s voice, it all started to melt away.

    “I don’t know,” you said truthfully. Tearfully. You sniffled, wiping at your nose, feeling how cool you had become despite the confused heat of the panic attack that had you believing differently. “I think so? I — I don’t know…”

    “It’s okay,” Jennie hushed, stepping closer. Drawing you into a hug, warming you. You closed your eyes, inhaling her familiar scent and the sweat of the overpopulated bar. She stopped working for you. “It gets easier — the first time is always the hardest.”

    Her words opened your eyes, and you pulled back a little to find hers. See that sorrow you never questioned. The tears that danced in the light but never fell.

    “You…” There was nothing you could say.

    Somehow Jennie knew. And she nodded. And she hugged you again.

         .♡.

    It had been a week since then.

    It had been another party since then. A house party with close friends like Jisoo and Jennie, and too many cocktails.

    Jennie sat with you in a closet, drinking her courage as she cried.

    You weren’t alone. You weren’t the only one left behind. Jennie saw the same in you as she had witnessed herself, that first time you had met at the bar. There was no way in her good conscience that she could have left you alone to pick up the pieces of what remained of you, much like Jisoo had been there to do the same for Jennie.

    Now? Jennie was okay, and she said each day she could breathe a little better. Even if the metaphorical scar remained from where her heart had been ripped apart.

    That was what she meant. That night at the Christmas party. It gets easier. And seeing what you had thought had been her for the first time since… since the last time was hard. But the worst was over, Jennie assured. If it happened again, you wouldn’t grow sick and want to scream and cry and never see the light of day again.

    It had been a week.

    You sat at the bar and threw peanuts in the air, attempting to land even just one in Jennie’s waiting mouth. You had always been a bad aim. You laughed as you missed again and Jennie groaned, grabbing a nearby broom.

    “I swear you just doubled how much I’ll have to clean tonight.”

    “Maybe if I had something to motivate me, I would care enough to actually make one in your mouth.”

    “Wanna bet?” Jennie jumped at the chance. You rolled your eyes. “Every time you miss, it’s a shot. Every time you make it, I take a shot. Deal?”

    “I’m gonna be an alcoholic by the end of this.” You popped a peanut into your mouth. For protein and to laden your stomach before you inevitably drank your weight in liquor.

    “You should’a realized that when you became best friends with a bartender,” said she, reaching along a shelf to select a cheap bottle the bar could afford to lose. You stole that moment to smile sheepishly, a bit of light in your life in the form of Jennie. Your best friend.

    The next series of tosses went surprisingly even, and didn’t stop until Jennie was sloshing more of the drink across the bar than into the shot glasses and you were laughing when you rested your elbow and slipped on the tarnished wood. You banged your arm but the alcohol kept the pain at bay for the morning, where a bruise would remind you that you could be happy like this. That you didn’t have to torment yourself with thoughts and memories.

    It was getting easier.

    That’s what you tried to hold onto as Jennie’s hand rested jovially on your thigh, as you watched her laugh that adorable laugh and she tossed back chocolate waves of hair and you motioned to clink your glass to hers and missed, tipping nearly out of your stool if she wasn’t right there in front of you to catch you.

    Jennie caught you that night and she caught you now. Just maybe, it wouldn’t hurt when you pressed to her mouth and she was kissing you back. It didn’t hurt, even as your lips slid along hers and a leaden tongue sought entrance.

    But maybe it was that lack of fine control. Alcohol was like that, providing false confidence and then sweeping the carpet out from under you. When you fell, it hurt. The picture clashed behind your eyes, and abruptly, Jennie was losing reality. Chocolate became honey blonde, and the hand on your hip suddenly mirrored the one that used to hold you down with a grip like she would lose you if she let go, and the noise you heard in the back of her throat was the sound of Lisa’s voice when she said —

    “Get off of her!”

    This time, someone else was tearing you and Jennie apart instead of your own guilt and shame.

    You were out of your seat, stumbling drunkenly on unsure feet, a hand twisted around your wrist as you were ushered behind a figure that hadn’t been there seconds ago. It took your brain several kicks to register, to comprehend, what had happened, and you glanced at the shock riddling Jennie’s features before forcing glassy eyes up to the blonde hair you had been imagining.

    Lisa.

    “Seriously, it’s not what it looked like,” Jennie slurred, blinking rapidly but expression melting into something like it was all just a misunderstanding, like it wasn’t as dire as it seemed.

    You were shell-shocked.

    “What are you doing here?”

    The words came before you could stop them and they were surprisingly level for all the things you felt right now.

    Lisa turned on you then. Anger written in the snarl of her nude lips, the slant of her brows, the glare of her eyes, but all that softened the moment she saw you. Her hair was drawn up in a high ponytail, like she hadn’t the time to change after work. You took in the scarf around her neck against the bite of the cold, and the long grey peacoat, and remembered the position she held at her job now, the promotion she failed to tell you about until you were confronting her about it.

    You remembered the boyfriend and the bile started its acrid crawl back up your throat.

    There must have been something on your face then because Lisa was losing traction. She glanced between you and then Jennie, and then down to the wrist she still held tightly in her grasp, having torn you away from the sight she had seen. From where? Where did she come from? How did she know you would be here? What was she doing here? She never answered you. Until —

    “I — I don’t know.”

    It was uncanny how she repeated the same words you uttered the night of the Christmas party. Brown eyes turned caramel danced in the low light, fresh tears catching the reflection. She looked beautiful and torn and… like a stranger.

    “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

    And then she was letting you go. It felt like a burn remained where her fingers released your wrist. Tapered heels clacked against the floorboards in the now empty bar, and whereas you couldn’t find her before, you were free to watch her leave. She headed for the door without so much as a backward glance, bursting through into the snow speckled wind.

         .♡.

    It felt like a dream. Or more like a bad dream. Not quite a nightmare but nothing pleasant you would try to cling to in the early hours of a morning to relish.

    Jennie tried to distract you in the same vein as apologize. She had nothing to apologize for, and really, you felt like you should be the one to say sorry, realizing later that Lisa had shoved Jennie out of her seat and away from you.

    It didn’t bother Jennie, and she didn’t hesitate to embrace you when she saw you next. There was a moment of mutuality, and then she was teaching you how to mix cocktails with Jisoo who had a day off and wanted to spend it with you both.

    Jisoo butchered yet another vibrant green lime with a knife she blamed poor maintenance of and so Jennie left to fetch a fresh batch when the door to the bar opened far earlier than any patrons dared to drink.

    A girl with pale pink hair and a cute, meek smile and a body molded like a model strode in, bouquet of summer flowers cradled in her arms. You had no time to ponder the appearance, even ask what she could be here for, before Jisoo was digging the tip of the blade she still held into the chopping board, and yes it was still sharp for how it gouged the weathered wood, but what rattled your spine was the look you had never seen twist Jisoo’s features in the slightest.

    “Get out.”

    The voice was not her own but it still came from Jisoo. It made you feel like you should leave, but she was clearly talking to the newcomer.

    “You don’t need to see her.”

    The smile on the girl’s face faltered, becoming wary, and then her eyes shifted from you and Jisoo to the return behind the bar.

    “Okay, I’m afraid to see you murder another poor —— Rosé…”

    Jennie’s hands must’ve gone numb as the small box of fetched limes fell from them and bounced across the floor. Neither you nor Jisoo moved to pick them up.

    “Hi,” Rosé murmured a sing-song voice, trying not to look at anyone else but Jennie. After a moment, she stepped forward, glancing at the bundle of flowers before lifting them up as if they couldn’t be seen. “These are for you.”

    Still, Jennie didn’t move a muscle. Jisoo chewed her lip until you were sure you saw blood dotting her white teeth, knife still clutched in her hands. You felt suspended, out of place. Rosé saw that Jennie didn’t budge so she took another brave step closer to the bar and set them down on the counter, patting where the cord tied them all together, and then retreated back a pace.

    It felt private, and so you removed the knife from Jisoo’s hand and replaced it with your own, forcing her to help you pick up the limes and then yourselves.

         .♡.

    The girl you came to familiarize as Rosé returned at random intervals. Sometimes with flowers to brighten the winter dull, sometimes with a coffee procured to Jennie’s exact taste after a long night, and then with movie tickets.

    Each time, Jennie grew softer. But never gave in. A quiet thank you for the gifts. A second of eye contact. The briefest of touches on their fingertips.

    “I can’t accept this,” Jennie said after she rebuffed the contact and the tickets. You stood to the side, wiping down the counter for her. At this point, you were an honorary employee who didn’t get paid. Not that you minded.

    “I knew you’d say that,” the pink-haired girl replied, tucking a wild lock behind her ear, a small smile on her lips. “That’s why I bought four.”

    That caught Jennie off-guard, and she spluttered out, “Four?”

    Rosé nodded excitedly. She had gotten braver over the visits, seeing you there with Jennie most of them, and she turned to you now to hold out a ticket she revealed hidden behind the rest. “Would you like to come? It wouldn’t be right without Jennie’s best friend there.”

    You opened your mouth to — accept? Decline? — glancing at Jennie for any sway in the decision.

    A gust of cool February air wafted your back. Before you could turn, you glimpsed the look on Jennie’s face morphing from confusion to concern, something else to focus on. Goosebumps prickled your arms.

    “Actually, I was hoping she could come with me.”

    Jennie was around the bar and at your side in a blink of an eye. Fingers prodded at the inside of your wrist, prepared to shield you, and it made your heart flutter. Or it could have been who was speaking.

    Lisa looked breathless, like she had run here. You knew it was because she was nervous. Knew it without even thinking about it.

    “I have four!” Rosé interjected, oblivious to the tension. She held them up, fanned for good measure, smiling brilliantly like it was the answer to all their problems. “I don’t think Jisoo would’ve come anyway, and if she did, it would’ve been to try and drown me in my coke.”

    You didn’t miss the fond tilt to Jennie’s eyes as she glanced at Rosé.

    “That could be fun,” Lisa said, fingers wringing together in front of her. Warm brown eyes gazed into yours, too intently, and it had to be because she didn’t want to see the way Jennie’s hand still rested loosely on yours at your side. “If that’s alright with you?”

    Your heart was in your throat. Why was she here now? You knew logically that you should say no, that you shouldn’t let her back into your life after she so willingly left it.

    What did you say you were to her — a coffee cup sleeve, picked apart and thrown away?

    You didn’t have to answer.

    “No.” Jennie was speaking, a hard line to her voice, cutting. It worked. It cut through Lisa and you saw it in how she practically sagged from the blow, the smile cracking. It hurt you still to see that. “You’ve done enough.”

    “Jennie,” Rosé chided, she too losing her enthusiasm. When she reached out to touch the bartender’s arm, Jennie jerked away, against you. Rosé recoiled like she had been shocked.

    “What’s going on?” Jennie snapped, a half-step in front of you. Both girls ahead of you appeared as though they had been simultaneously struck. “Did you plan this together?”

    “What? No!” Rosé immediately responded. She threw a glance at Lisa, growing perplexed, and then stepped closer, desperate. “I’m sorry, Jennie. I’m sorry! I’ll say it over and over again! I’m sorry I let what my parents wanted for me decide our relationship!” She held up the tickets in both hands. “I just want to see you. Please, please come to the movies. It doesn’t have to mean anything. I miss you.”

    In the background, Lisa flinched. She flinched again and again as Rosé clutched those stupid movie tickets and heard her spill her heart the way Lisa never dared, never tried, to you. You couldn’t look away.

    It wasn’t planned. Just a sick twist of fate that they were both here. And you were sure that Lisa would leave again. You saw it in the tight pull of her shoulders and the droop of her pouty lips and the raw skin around her nails as she picked and picked and picked —

    Rosé snatched her hand. Lisa’s eyes widened, glancing from Rosé, this stranger she had never seen, to you. Pleading.

    “I don’t know what this means for you,” Rosé addressed you now, dragging Lisa closer as you stared at the captured blonde. “And we didn’t plan this, I promise. But please, let me take you and Jennie and—” she stuttered to glance at the stranger’s hand she was clutching.

    “Lisa,” she supplied tightly, chest too tight for volume.

    “— and Lisa to the movies.”

    You failed to notice the nails that were scraping the back of your hand until this moment. Jennie was holding yours, and it was such a strange mirroring of the four of you.

    “Okay,” you rasped. You didn’t know why you said that, only that when you looked at Jennie, it did seem to be okay.

    What was more — Lisa looked ready to break. And she did, into a wide, watery smile. In the same breath as Rosé.

         .♡.

    pikachu⚡️💛     look behind u

    You and Jennie spared a look between yourselves before glancing over your respective shoulders. Across the movie theatre lobby stood a lone figure donning a plain grey sweatshirt, hood drawn up over a large pair of dark sunglasses. The only detail you knew it to be Jisoo was the heart-shaped lips, and as you both squinted at what she could possibly be doing, she slowly lifted a hand to press a fake moustache beneath her nose. Like it somehow made her more inconspicuous rather than ridiculous.

    It did make you laugh despite the jitters.

    jen bun-bun🍸🧡     how the fuck does that help???

    pikachu⚡️💛     lauren or whatever doesnt know what i look like but that other loser does

    pikachu⚡️💛     and itll be dark in the theatre so this is just to help

    jen bun-bun🍸🧡     if ur gonna be here ur gonna be nice

    jen bun-bun🍸🧡     or at least try to

    jen bun-bun🍸🧡     and its lisa and rose

    pikachu⚡️💛     right

    pikachu⚡️💛     the dumbasses who gave up two of the greatest people i know

    jen bun-bun🍸🧡     ur the dumbass wearing a fake stache

    You     that is falling off right now

    Jisoo gave up texting in order to fix her disguise on her face, and Jennie rolled her eyes before she was punching you in the arm, suddenly nervous.

    “She’s here.”

    The pale pink hair you had come to recognize was become more honeyed blonde as the days passed but it was still Rosé walking through the movie theatre doors and right pass Jisoo. You tried not to laugh again as Jisoo made a gesture like she was about to lunge out from the wall and stab her in the back.

    “Hi!” Rosé greeted the both of you, skipping to halt and taking the tickets from her cardigan pocket. She handed out two and then paused as she realized there was still another person missing, adorable brows furrowing. “Where’s Lisa? Is she buying snacks?”

    “She’s not here,” you responded emptily. Just as you thought, leaving you behind again. For what it was worth, the pain didn’t sink as deep as it would have in the past. Perhaps you were just becoming numbed. You waved a hand at Jennie and Rosé, adding, “You guys should get in line for the movie, I think I’m just gonna head home.”

    Rosé didn’t even look at Jennie as she darted forward, touching your arm gently like she was afraid to break you. “No, please! Still come to the movie, I don’t want you going home like this.”

    “I should’ve expected this,” you said, removing yourself from her touch even if it felt sincere and not like she needed a buffer between her and Jennie.

    “I’m coming with you,” Jennie chimed in, taking the steps to close the space between you.

    You stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. “No, go see the movie. Rosé spent a lot of money on the tickets.” Rosé shook her head with a frown like it was nothing but didn’t try to interrupt. You still turned, giving Jennie a look that told her to stay before you did, and then started for the door.

    Jisoo was preparing to move from the wall and bar your hasty exit but you rooted to the spot anyway.

    Lisa flung open the door, unaware, busied with settling her hair from the wind and then smoothening her skirt. The way her lips were parted spelled out her breathlessness again, and her cheeks were flushed the same way you had seen them after a haunted house excursion.

    For whatever reason, Lisa was anxious.

    When her eyes lifted and caught sight of you, standing apart from the other two, she knew it meant that you had been about to leave. You watched idly, surprised — relieved — she had actually shown up, as Lisa hurried closer, a shaky smile forcing its way out. There was a stammer to her movement, in her hand, like she had been about to take yours but thought better of it and started picking at her cuticles again instead.

    There was fresh blood lining the nail bed.

    “I’m sorry I’m so late.” Lisa wasn’t really. “I hope I didn’t keep you waiting.” Lisa had for a long time.

    “It’s okay,” you said anyhow. Lisa was here now.

    “Perfect!” Rosé exclaimed, beyond elated that the original plan was working. She bounced on the balls of her feet, handing over the last ticket that finally had Lisa playing with something other than her fingers. “Why don’t you three get in line and get some good seats, and I’ll try and get us some snacks before the previews are over?”

    “Allow me,” Lisa chirped. A gentle brush, as though she wanted to touch you under the guise of stepping by you, and the blonde was patting the other’s shoulder. “You’ve already bought the tickets, it’s only fair I split some of the costs.”

    “Hellooo,” Jennie jumped in, glaring at the two. “Do you think we can’t provide for ourselves? I make decent money.”

    The pair of taller girls gaped, trying to find the right words to say.

    pikachu⚡️💛     LET THEM PAY ITS THE LEAST THEY CAN DO!!!!!!!!! 😡😡😡😡😡

    “Okay, fine,” Jennie sighed, clicking her phone shut once more. “I want —”

    “— Sour Patch Kids! I remember,” Rosé finished, beaming.

    Jennie let a small smile pass. It was the kind that wanted to be bigger but she was holding back.

    Lisa, on the other hand, was fighting to keep from crumpling the ticket in her possession. It didn’t offend you that she didn’t jump at the ready to get you your favourite snack or display the same eagerness. It was enough that she was here at all.

    “I’ll come so you don’t have to carry everything yourself,” Rosé breezed over, a hand on Lisa’s elbow to guide her toward the snacks.

    “Let’s see if there’s any good seats left,” Jennie said as she looped an arm around your waist.

    There was an expanse of four seats situated near the back of the theatre that worked. The space was already dimmed and humming with hushed voices, the previews started but ignored by most. Without thinking, you sat beside Jennie, leaving a spare seat on either side, and again you shared a look to question whether this was smart or not. Jennie’s phone buzzed in beat with yours.

    pikachu⚡️💛     thanks for only leaving two rows between us Jerks

    You didn’t even have to look over your shoulder to know the moustached stranger two rows behind you was watching.

    A few minutes before the start of Wreck-It Ralph Breaks the Internet, Rosé and Lisa appeared. Their arms brimmed with snacks, Lisa balancing a tray of drinks on her forearm and Rosé hugging two large buckets of buttered popcorn. This time there was no containing the smiles from either you or Jennie as the others barely skipped a beat at the seating arrangement and separated.

    “Hi,” Lisa whispered, a genuine smile across her glossy mouth as she slunk her long limbs into the theatre chair and started passing out drinks. As she leaned to hand over Rosé’s, you swore a spark flitted in the close proximity of your bodies, and Lisa’s eyes fell to yours. Like she felt it too. Then she was saying low enough only you could hear, “You smell nice.”

    “Thanks, I showered.” It was a joke, one you both had used back in the early days of your fling.

    Lisa giggled and there was no stopping your heart thudding against your ribcage.

    The movie started, and the time passed slowly. It was funny and cute, a good decision on Rosé’s part, but you couldn’t quite grasp it when all that occupied your mind was Lisa.

    One hand held her drink, high enough that she could chew on her straw. Her other hand, the one on your side, remained in her lap. Even without her other hand, Lisa fumbled, picking at the side of her thumb or using her thumb to pick at the rest. They weren’t bleeding yet, no dark colours spreading over the tips, but you didn’t want them to start.

    Couldn’t bear to.

    You swallowed around the knot in your throat, and without removing your eyes from the blurred screen, you willed your hand to not shake as you reached over and threaded your fingers through the pliant ones you sought.

    Effectively stopping the restless pick, pick, pick.

    Lisa didn’t look away. Even in your peripheral, you could see the grin curl wide on her lips. The hand in yours tightened, and didn’t let go.

    You didn’t want to let go.

         .♡.

    The movie night went without incident, and Jisoo texted the group chat that she quite enjoyed the movie. That was ironic, considering Rosé had to sporadically turn and try to find just who it was in the crowd that kept carelessly tossing Sno Caps, managing to hit her in the head each time.

    Lisa had asked if she could escort you home. It ended up with her asking Jennie’s permission, who finally allowed it after giving a look that said more than any threat could.

    A hailed cab ride home and your heart was back in your throat, wondering quietly what would happen once you reached your apartment door. A neighbour passed in the hallway and the best you could offer was tight-lipped smile before you were coming to an end at your entry mat.

    Turning around, Lisa took a last step. The entire night, the only touch had been the hands you held during the movie and nothing else. Even now, the distance was respectable, Lisa not wanting to invade. How strange it all felt now when there had been so many nights that resulted in a much different entrance across the threshold.

     You weren’t sure where to start.

    “How’s…” and you suddenly noticed you never caught the name of the man Lisa had been dating. You swallowed and finished, “whatever his name is?”

    Lisa blinked. Opened her mouth and then closed it and then opened it again.

    “I ended things with him.” It was said like it had been obvious.

    “When?” Your shoes were much more interesting then, finding it hard to keep looking up at her.

    “New Year’s,” she said softly. “I didn’t want to start the year with a lie.”

    Butterflies alit in your stomach but you didn’t let them show.

    “Did you think I would be here if I was still with him?” The inflection of her voice was crafted carefully, without any accusations. If anything, it sounded hurt but only a little. Maybe she couldn’t keep it out.

    “I don’t know.”

    I don’t know you.

    “I’m sorry.”

    The dangerous waver in her words lifted your head. Lisa’s eyes were closed, chin bowed. Your heart was breaking in a way that was different than the last.

    “I didn’t say it before,” she continued. “But I’m sorry. I’m really so fucking sorry.” Each word was becoming more jagged. “I was so scared. I couldn’t control what I was feeling, what was happening, and I knew if I didn’t do something to stop it that I was going to fall in love with you. I was so stupid. I was so stupid because even after I tried everything I could to feel in control, I knew I made a mistake. I couldn’t keep lying to myself, to everyone. To you.”

    Those same fingers started their picking of her nails again. This time, they did start to bleed. You noticed too late that you were crying as you reached out to take her hands, stop them from hurting herself. You had believed that she had torn you apart like a play thing in her reckless hands but now you knew it was simply because she didn’t know how to hold onto you.

    Before you, Lisa was tearing herself apart, piece by piece.

    “I’m in love with you and I shouldn’t have tried to stop it,” Lisa cried, breaths short and sharp. Eyes still closed as the tears leaked from beneath long lashes. “I didn’t know how to make it better and I didn’t know if you’d ever want to see me again. I — I didn’t know what to do.”

         .♡.

too scared of what she’ll see, somebody holding me

    Lisa saw it all.

    Through the frosted window panes, the love of her life drowning in drinks of clear liquid, presumably so that when the tears fell inside, no one could tell.

    Between the Christmas costumes and decorations, the love of her life kissed over and over on the cheek until the red lipstick smeared and the laughter was for someone else.

    Before her, the love of her life kissing another, prettier woman whose touch was gentle and intimate and everything Lisa should have been.

    Lisa saw it all.

    Lisa lost control.

         .♡.

    Sheets tangled in your legs. You tried to kick them away and kicked someone else instead.

    You startled in bed, peeking through bleary eyes at the soft glow of sunlight dripping down the wall from curtains and then at the person beside you.

    Lisa was still asleep, honey hair splayed across her pillow. It took you a moment to remember that you had only fallen asleep together, unwilling to let her go home alone but wanting nothing more than to be in her arms again. The strap of your camisole you lent her had slipped over her jutting shoulder, and you took a steadying breath as you tenderly slid it back into place on her collarbone.

    Your fingertips lingered, replaying the memory of the few times you had been gifted this rare time to watch her.

    In the past, you wondered how many more times you were going to be allowed this before it all went away.

    The pillow felt plush and welcoming as you settled back against it. You could be late to work this morning. You wanted this. To hold onto it for as long as you could. Who knew when it would all end?

    Sooner than you thought. Lisa stirred, sensing your gaze, lifting lanky arms to rub at her face. Then she was turning, finding you, smiling happily, shuffling closer to wrap you up flush against her.

    Something was ending, that was for sure.

    But something new lied in the wake.

#blackpink #blackpink scenarios #blackpink fanfiction #kpop scenarios #girl group scenarios #scenarios #WHY DID THIS GET SO LONG #wow sorry guys #but i hope you all enjoy !!! #i tried my v best !!! 😘

[backpackbrigade]

Backpack Playlist 5/27/19

I no longer have a radio show so this is where I’m gonna be posting my thoughts and playlists! Have fun, who cares. Apple Music/Spotify links at the bottom. Enjoy. 

“Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God)” - Kate Bush, Hounds of Love (1985, EMI)

A gay icon, not much to say beyond that. We love some extra as shit background vocals.

“Bags” - Clairo, Immunity (2019, Fader)

First single off Clairo’s new LP coming out at some point this year. Literally all I can think when I hear the guitar line in this song is Avril Lavigne, and I say that with the utmost respect and love. Big ups to VW alum Rostam for the production on this track and Danielle Haim for drums - does this mean Clairo is now part of the PC Music squad AND the VW-adjacent rap/indie rock squad??? Her career is definitely pretty strange so far, but I’m hype to see her blow up beyond the world of the Youtube algorithm chewing up and spitting out DIY music videos. This track is also kinda full circle for her - in her big Pitchfork feature last year, she talked about being starstruck after seeing one of the Haim sisters on a plane listening to SOPHIE, and now she’s got one of them on a track. We love growth.

“Kisses 2 My Phone” - Sega Bodega, self*care - EP (2018, NUXXE)

Lona (aka MANIIK aka BABY GAMELAN) shared this EP with me last year, and it’s been rattling around in my head ever since. Some glitchy trap beats and subtly depressing lyrics about sending kisses to your phone and losing love. Scottish experimental pop kid who gets in your ears and won’t leave.

“Even the Shadow” - Porches, Pool (2016, Domino)

A classic, both Pool and their newer album The House (2018, Domino) remind me of a very specific time in my life when I was spending 12 hours in the photo studio every other weeknight and played Porches on shuffle to get through it. Very sad stoner synthy alt-pop for gay kids with lots of insecurity but dreams of 2014 soft pale tumblr aesthetic escapism!!

“Hatin” - Rico Nasty & Kenny Beats, Anger Management (2019, Sugar Trap)

Remember when Rico was just a Soundcloud kid with a stellar remix of “The Race” under her belt?? When I first heard that track in the background of a friend from high school’s Instagram story, I literally dropped my phone trying to lyric search it to see who sang it. Big ups to Lafayette (a newly minted Howard University grad :,) ) for putting me on. Rico’s always been bffs with Kenny, so this collab record isn’t surprising, but I didn’t expect it to be this good!!! Very excited to see her blowing up on Tik Tok rn, maybe she’ll finally get what she’s owed. And she deserves more than just a 2 second cameo in the Old Town Road music video………

“Dig” - Lance Bangs, Lance Mountain - EP (2016, Citrus City)

Reminds me of screamy jangly indie rock from the summer after my first year when I lived in a commune and got a stick and poke from a friend who was three mojitos deep. Also, Citrus City is awesome and we love to support VA labels!!

“Livin’ On a Prayer” - Bon Jovi, Slippery When Wet (1986, Vertigo)

Mostly putting this on here because it’s the ending soundtrack to a great little animated short film I watched recently called WORK (2009) by Michael Rianda. It’s a super 2009 short, but it’s fascinating because it feels like the aesthetic halfway point between Don Hertzfeldt’s Rejected (2000) and Bojack Horseman (2014-) style absurdity. It’s not the subtlest anti-capitalist cartoon out there, but it’s very cute and funny.

“20 Ghosts III” - Nine Inch Nails, Ghosts I-IV (2008, The Null Corporation)

Put this back to back with Bon Jovi because the weird guitar/vocal growls sound like the “Livin’ On a Prayer” digital doo-wops put through an insane pedal filter. Heard it for the first time when I was watching Laura Poitras’ documentary Citizenfour (2014) - she used it for the super haunting opening and closing scenes, and I can’t think of any better use for Trent Reznor’s sad garage dad phase guitar music.

“Guap” - Yaeji, Yaeji EP (2016, GODMODE)

No introduction necessary, hopefully. Gives me third year queer party vibes, and if you know what that means, congratulations. You’re part of an in-group now. Listen when you need subtle hype up music.

“Indica” - Dizzy Fae, Free Form Mixtape (2018, self-released)

When I showed a friend a picture of Dizzy Fae, their first response was that she’s probably from Amsterdam or Berlin or something and floats between secret clubs all week long before performing herself. She’s actually from Minnesota and is way younger than either of us assumed, so big ups to her for projecting the coolest vibes imaginable. Her vocal distortion is a little FKA Twigs, but she knows how to fuckin rap on the rest of the EP. Well worth a full listen.

“Flower Moon (feat. Steve Lacy)” - Vampire Weekend, Father of the Bride (2019, Columbia)

Best track on this new album, imo, but I can’t stop thinking about Vampire Weekend for a completely different reason. When this album came out, literally everyone was making fun of it for sounding like a Paul Simon redux. A lot of people praised it for the exact same reason lol. But Paul Simon’s relationship with cultural appropriation is a lot like Ezra Koenig’s, and not enough people have made that connection. Remember when Paul Simon broke the cultural boycott with Apartheid-era South Africa to make Graceland (1986)?? Everyone shit all over him for not only straight up taking South African music styles and centering himself in their vocal story, but doing it all in the midst of the largest cultural boycott in modern history. It’s a good album, I won’t pretend it’s not, but it’s deeply problematic and disappointed a lot of people who expected something better from a guy who knew what he was doing. Reminds me of 2008-2012 Vampire Weekend!! Anyway, listen to this track for Steve Lacy, if nothing else.

“Ur Phone” - boy pablo, Roy Pablo - EP (2017, self-released)

Another Youtube algorithm kid, boy pablo was in everyone’s feeds because this EP is the perfect summery shimmery gaze-y indie rock. His newer album is a little more uptempo than I personally like, but this track is *chef’s kiss*

“Can the Circle Be Unbroken” - The Carter Family, Can the Circle Be Unbroken: Country Music’s First Family (2000, Sony; original recording 1935)

Really not trying to wade into the country music discourse today, but this track is genuinely full of intense longing and sadness in a way that so clearly changed country/rock music and its relationship to the guitar.

“Before the World Was Big” - girlpool, Before the World Was Big (2015, Wichita)

Their new stuff fucking slaps, and seeing them come to terms with their gender identities is fucking beautiful!! But I always come back to these weird ass nursery rhymes. It’s literally just their harmonies and two guitars, and legend has it if you turn this up to full volume in your car and drive through your hometown, your unrequited high school crush will appear with their spouse and two kids just to rub it in.

“Vroom Vroom” - Charli XCX, Vroom Vroom - EP (2016, Vroom Vroom Recordings)

I mean. It’s Charli’s early work with SOPHIE, you’ve gotta just blast this shit and ruin someone’s life. The return to queer hyper pop over the past few years is the only thing sustaining my fucking mental health.

“Xternal Locus” - Chynna & Oklou, Single (2018, self-released)

Another track Lona played for me after I picked her up from work in DC. Lowkey enough to ***** to, highkey enough to **** to ;)

“Cinema” - Kero Kero Bonito, Totep - EP (2018, self-released)

KKB really did an about face with this record, but I still fucking love them. It’s still sunny and glittery pop, but with a chilled-out vibe. Their intense pop records are like the come up, and this is the chill smoke sesh the day after. Just vibey enough to let you chill out and kick back, but keeps you on your toes with some unexpected samples and glitchy moments.

“Jack the Ripper” - SadGirl, Breakfast for 2 - Single (2018, Suicide Squeeze)

We love surf rock, and that’s all I’m gonna say for this. You either vibe with it you’re bored as shit.

“watch you sleep.” - girl in red, Single (2019, self-released)

Music To Sleep To.

Playlists

#music #playlist #musicreview #music blog #yaeji #charli #rico nasty #girlpool

[nauseateddrive]

4 POEMS by Jake Sheff

Elegy for Dog I: A Failed Acrostic

January was tired when it became king. Apples here love being red in the spring, Casting shadows against the stone architraves our Kapellmeister will never live down. You Stole Apollo’s cows, and let them graze to show me Heaven’s template. Where do failed heroes go? Eucalyptus cupolas and polar icecaps Frame the downtrodden gods. But you weren’t Freakishly wrong, as I so often am, on your

Joyride through nearly twice eight years, Á la someone far from beauty’s stepmom. Copper coin or grimacing sun? I’ve got 20,000 Kor of crushed grief on this threshing floor. Shark-sparks of sadness flood the impetiginous air… How, and why, do clouds cobblestone Entire days, and lakes, when you’re not here? Fixing every broken thing, poets go where Ferns and geraniums baptize the morning.

“Jur-any-oms,” is how you’d spell it; After all, a dog’s a dog, and wisdom knows futility. Cassations make a rusty brew, to drink the truth of truths, and Kill whatever ceases wanting to be new. Stewardship, the color of gravity’s silence, naturally Houses every “glur” (a glittery blur); go chase what plays Eternal games. I hear the swans by Rooster Rock. Your handsome Face, its happy handsomeness, in memory’s eye, goes in and out of Focus; in love’s better eye: your goodness neath its everblooming ficus.

Gravity and Grace on SW Murray Scholls Drive

“Impatience has ruined many excellent men who, rejecting the slow, sure way, court destruction by rising too quickly.” Tacitus, The Annals of Imperial Rome

The traffic lights control the people’s actions, but Not their feelings, as the limits of philosophy Collide head on with the nose of a Dalmatian.

I tell you, the day is stress-testing itself, and these Sidewalks wish that it’d just gone straight. Geese Take this sky-hairing wind for granted, as they

Land on the lake like memorable speech on The sensitive soul. Time is never sharp, but it’s Cutting something in the credit union. Maybe

It’s dancing a back Corte for the woman in line Thinking about the taste of limes from Temecula As she waits for the teller. Air Alaska and that

Haunted pie in the sky are not the only reasons For all the volatility in the air today. Rushing And perfectionism both produce a loss; behind

The Safeway Pharmacy, you’ll see the small Smells of both, sloshing around to the ticking- Sound of the ocean’s tides. I must admit, I am

Frozen in place by the sight of steam from Joe’s Burgers; it is poetry’s pale tongue, rising in And arousing the air. This neighborhood’s street-

Lights are more serious than kokeshi dolls. Lights From its windows outshine poison dart frogs. Maybe to forget about life for awhile, the lamps

Are focused on The Population Bomb? ‘Easy Tiger,’ all these incidents whisper. Each day’s A sign twirler’s dais; each corner a promise

Of something more in a different direction: it isn’t A marriageable daughter or impoverishment, But inguinal ingenuity plays a part, and that isn’t

Bad at all. What oaths and paths went here Before Walmart? What voices were voided by The liquor store? What are vague’s values

When the library shares a parking lot with a 24- Hour gym and a cargo cult? Gas stations satirize                                                                           The Queen of Hearts; I tell you, it makes every

Question seem incidental. Treaty-breakers in Pajamas swing on the swing sets. Was August That full of angst? It feels like autumn went too

Far on accident. Desertification, in a sugar tong Splint, takes a shot of ouzo and talks shit About the death of Brutus, but my Bible-thumping

Memory – on a ski hill in Duluth – is also too busy Watching some ducks on the lake to notice; and Desertification makes a face at me like a Swedish

Film. Poets make for poorly picked men to Familiarity’s paymaster-general. The Calvinistic Rain is an ill-starred attempt to make mayonnaise-

Fries just for me, but I must admit, it all seems – You know – cybernetic. And step-motherly as all Get out, if you ask the trees. They prefer “You

Can’t Hurry Love,” by The Supremes, to any Changes that take effect in one to two pay periods. Pretext ricochets; a perfect reverse promenade.

At Summer Lake, When the Vegetables are Sleeping

Cruelty drinks all the wine, and never gets drunk On these shores. When Summer Lake speaks, In every word, an introduction to the world. I am

Easily duped. The greatest duper duplicates my pride, Which always lingers, in the hallways of my heart And beneath the surface of Summer Lake. The sky is

Supplicating, it’s literally shaking. An hour passes Faster here, the hour always held too dearly dear In paranoid and ivied walls. The ducks can do

An unwise thing correctly, and it sounds more like Dusty than Buffalo Springfield to the enokitake Sold in Springfield, Illinois, which is the opposite

Effect it has on the wild mushrooms on these shores. On cables capable of love, the geese convince The weather to taste like kvass today. Basically,

Another Cuban Missile Crisis drowned itself just Now. The clouds might ask themselves, ‘Is lowliness Allowed here?’ To which the crows might ask,

‘Does omertà sound like lightning?’ The answer’s Oubliette is ten times worse than impotence. Summer Lake isn’t smart, but it stays quiet, like

Someone too smart to say all they know. ‘Whoa, Sweet potato,’ the capital gains tax mutters To itself, knowing that what matters doesn’t mean

A thing. Some say the lake bottom’s sands receive Commands from Hearst Castle, others say Its hands are King City’s hands, and still others

Maintain more sins have been than grains of sand Times secondary gains, and that explains The beauty and industry that none can see but

All can feel on these shores. (Some possibilities Play possum, or get opsonized by hate; this one snores Like Rip Van Winkle.) This orb-weaver spider is

The Milton Friedman of Summer Lake, the wind On her web is Grenache from The Rocks District Of Milton-Freewater AVA for the eyes. The day is

Stereotypical, although it feels like three days In one…But for the lake’s good counterfactual Questions, I would forget that some die young,

But most die wrong. I’ve tried to pick up Summer Lake’s reflections in three lines or less, but The hardest truth is your own impotence. Oh,

It’s hard to hand your power over to a thing No one can see. Hopped up on distinctions – not The obvious distinctions – Summer Lake is pretty;

Cold, but pretty! In the distance, with so many Intercessory prayers, hot air balloons are rising; Shaped like teardrops, upside down and rising.

This lake re-something-or-anothered me. Are first Impressions wrong sometimes? I am a season’s Golden calf, according to the sunlight, doing

A prospector’s jig on the surface of Summer Lake. If not for the Weimar Republic’s wooden- Headedness, I’d set down my heart-song and

Listen to reason on these shores. I never trust An activist guitar, if the weather is socially clumsy. The future is reflected on the lake: it always

Laughs at us – between its math and gratitude Lessons – and never thinks of (or gives thanks to) Us enough. The presence in the lake juniors

My ears. The day is not too baffling, nor is it Jane Eyre. Space-themed and spiritual, some autumn Leaves are swimming in the rain. The ducks arrest

My attention in the mardy weather, even though they Must know my attention is dying. The barbed wire Around my stated goal is an outcome out of

Their control. Picnickers picnic with acorns and apricots, On blankets covering Holy Schnikey’s death mask. My unsandaled thoughts thrive and increase on these,

And no other shores. They are pets for the days less Important than love, when Summer Lake says it’s Humble, because it knows the right thing to say.

Summer Lake gives the comfort of commonly held And seriously absurd beliefs to the blue heron. Nothing is wrong with this lake or anything in it,

Not even the ghost of Amerigo Vespucci. It’s all so Simple to the stiff-necked molecules of water, made out Of frogs and snails and puppy-dog’s tails. These thoughts

Are fine manna in a fine ditch. Post-structuralist squirrels Can tell my heart’s in Italy, and I’m in the intellectual Laity. Chivalry’s technician sees my shovel, and they say,

‘You’ve got to hand it to him.’ Neurocysticercosis Sets the bar high; it looks at this park, and thinks The smartest monkey drew the perfect landscape.

That’s this maple tree’s previous disease, its precious One. It unfurls the ferns of my firm and foremost Beliefs, I’m told, to partialize insufferable vastidity.

We Install a Sump Pump on (What Used To Be) a Holiday (Take 2)

The oppressive heat was born a fully grown Man. I admire the result of its effort, but Despise the means of achieving it. My wife Asserts her individuality in the gunk; her Body’s allegations aren’t too soft or hard today. Her self-interest seems to have drowned in the vortex.

Our little garden knows flippancy with regards To privacy is unwise. The stepping stones can Only blather, as slugs draw nomograms on Their faces. My wife’s body speaks Proto-Indo- European in the vortex and denim overalls. Marc Chagall’s The Poet studies her. He calls her

‘Innocence: The opposite of life! A criminal with A badge!’ I hand her the tools of a crude and Rudimentary faith, and she says, ‘Jill, great books Make fine shackles.’ Her arms only have An administrative objective in the vortex, but They are where good things come from.

Jake Sheff is a pediatrician in Oregon and veteran of the US Air Force. He's married with a daughter and whole lot of pets. Poems of Jake’s are in Radius, The Ekphrastic Review, Crab Orchard Review, The Cossack Review and elsewhere. He won 1st place in the 2017 SFPA speculative poetry contest and a Laureate's Choice prize in the 2019 Maria W. Faust Sonnet Contest. Past poems and short stories have been nominated for the Best of the Net Anthology and the Pushcart Prize. His chapbook is “Looting Versailles” (Alabaster Leaves Publishing).

[tamiddyinyourcity]

12:59am, Now 1:00am!!! Wowwww, the last one am of the YEAAAR MAAAAN! how exciting. Of the DECADE, even. People will look back in history and go, "i wonder how people felt at this moment in time."

Me? I feel alright.

I'm drinking water and eating proteins! My piss is bright neon yellow; and I am the pinnacle of health! An absolutely fabulous unit.

And in other news, I'm pretending like I'm not upset about anything, ever, in the world.

What's upsetting me?

I bought gold glittery makeup and black eye shadow, to attempt a sexy, vampy 1920's flapper look for today.... and well, too bad I hate using black eyeshadow, and glittery makeup, since something always smears, never comes off, or turns out wrong. I wanna look like the sexy mystery girl across the speakeasy, not like the black version of Beetlejuice, when wearing dark makeup.

So instead of staying up ridiculously late, and dealing with the pain in the ass of "my skin looks so clear, and the black shadow makeup will inevitably get stuck in the crevices of my eyes and stain the skin", I decided to lay in bed, feeling annoyed at myself, before finally deciding that sleep is better than contemplating suicide.... for spending 50 bucks on makeup that i will never wear out, and potentially cancelling the good plans I made for myself this year.

I always tell myself every year, "This is the year I will go out!", and instead, it ends up with me lying in bed and waking up the next morning, super disoriented, and a chance of tear stains somewhere on my person.

....theres no shame of staying inside, but sometimes I wanna have experiences.

Like on my birthday, for example. Everything that I wanted to happen, didnt. My friend, (who was it, Mari? Neziah? Who?,) cancelled on me THE FUCKING MORNING of my birthday. And all the other female mutuals in my city kept pulling a "oooh that dress would be cute for ur party gurl!", or "i looove benihana omgggg".....

Then when told, "You can come along if you'd like!", they all left me on read.

Then rinsed and repeated.

So, yeah.

Plus, my fine ass then-boyfriend, Blonde Patrick, had moved far far away for college. Which meant I couldn't see them, and.... that hurt so much, honestly. Way too much...

Hell, I'm even shedding a tear, thinking about how I missed him.

Present day, I don't like his bitch ass, and almost sent him a voicemail reading him for filth, so don't feel TOO sad for me or him as I'm writing this down, nigga. He was bringing all types of girls back to his place and leaving me on read, and whatever.

But me? I was all alone.

My parents weren't super festive about it. The shoes I ordered for my birthday arrived on time, but were uncomfortable as fuck.... and well, with my One Singular Female Friend My Age That Was Not A Fucking Flake And In My City, decided to fucking flake....

What did I do next?

Went to greet my favorite homeless people in Berkeley.

Guess what? Nothing happened! Nothing great. I didn't eat all day, then suddenly stuffed myself on steak fries, and shitty fried oreos, (i think i had cried in the restaurant?,) and then chugged a high sugar soda....

Which lead to me tripping like a motherfucker. (Its a really disorienting feeling, going from 'u have absolutely no nutrients and are going to faint', to "woaaaaah, you just chugged liquid carbon sugar.... way too damn fast... youve got energy, but either everything is super fast for you, or time feels like its going slower than a motherfucker."

Its weird.

Anyway, greeted my homeless buds! They didn't give a shit about me, or that it was my birthday, and if anything didnt make conversation with me.... Cool, i love feeling totally worthless in the eyes of people that i really really liked!

Aaaand then I went to Best Buy, got a wireless keyboard for my broken laptop, took the bus home in cold ass weather.... theeeen went home and had cried.

Noice.

And then I remembered; BPatrick gave me a Studio Ghibli movie to watch, on the last day we met up.

I forget the name, but its a girl who's a princess, trying to.... i think save an underground world of oxygen or something. And save bugs that attack people, i guess?

I wasnt that into it, but played it, since I didn't have that many options....

And had as much fun as i could, from the night.

Which was not a lot of fun at all, but at least the decent feeling of, "just see it like any other day, and let's not put so much pressure on one day".

.......

I was writing all that to say, "And this is why I need to go all out for NYE and force myself out to a good time".... just for my conclusion paragraph to totally be the exact opposite of what I'm saying.....

I guess I'll just not beat myself up about things, if I do feel sorta odd, or not as amped for things......

.....

Cool.

1:21am, I made a post about why forcing myself to socialize and have fun is important, just for the evidence for such an argument to be, "I tried to socialize, it all went terribly, and then having a lowkey night inside was what made it better."

.......ah.

Alright.

Anyways, what else is on my mind?

My ex. I don't want to think about him, at all. But the thoughts roll in, and its easier to let them pass. So if I'm in CVS and I see flavored lip balm, it's okay to go, "Ah, remember how I used to kiss him with that coca cola flavored lip balm, and he loved it?", and to reflect.... it lets me heal over things, and harbor less resentment.

Even if he was a dipshit in several different ways.

But to an extent, i wasnt the happieat camper out there either.... but still, whats important is recognizing that i was upset for 100% valid reasons, and he knew he would never take our relationship seriously, so the breakup is just reliant, yet again, on how this dude fucked up.

And probably throwing sprite at him in a hissy fit wasn't the nicest, but I'll just have to take my chances. I did that, since I already felt like my connection with him was over, once he said "I don't want to see you at all anymore; and definitely not for a really really long time".

And how he lost all romantic feelings for me, "MIGHT consider it in the future, but definitely not now", "i might text you someday but definitely dont expect me to".......

Harsh words; and of course, why do all of that? It just seemed too.... loosey-goosey. You can't flop between "really really liking me and not wanting to stop talking to me", and saying all that harsh shit moments after hugging me in tears?????? Like, i was ALL the way fucked up.....

And embarrassed. Moments before was me literally considering to stay with him, so..... all of that, ontop of me realizing that i still obviously liked this guy, was terrible.

Probably why I'm in tears right now, since literally..........

Anyways.

If it's an instance of "i may talk to you someday, but dont expect it", that just sounds like "i hate you, and never wanna see you again, unless i somehow benefit from it".

(i.e., suddenly being alone all the time, since the same assholes that said theyd purposely ignore his wishes and to start shit on his FUCKING birthday, wont hang with him.... so, who to call but the girl he kicked out and broke up withhhhhhhhhhhhh?)

Just saying things from my perspective.

Fuckin hell......

So, if its "i probably wont see this guy again, he admitted he 100% cant defend me, would choose someone else over me, and just kinda shattered my heart".......

Then, whats to lose fron tossing a soda into their face and their lap, other than my soda, and the chances of me regretting never throwing my soda at him?

Exactly. Splashed and dashed. He got mad. The fucking end.

.....I don't know if thats the worst thing I've done to a person, but I mean..... I've done some atrocious or absurd things, and people still insisted on meeting me, so.

Like Marco, despite me telling Saula almost every incident ever of him being a cheating asshole, still came running back to me. (I obviously hate him for that, of course.)

And Saula would still run back to Marco, no matter what. (Since they're idiots!)

Or Crackhead John and his antics, or any exes, really....

Long story short, i have toxic relationships so these arent even good examples of how healthy bonding and rekindling a relationship is like

But eh, sometimes terrible things happen, but people can forgive and forget.

Would I forgive and forget our problems? Probably not, since he's shitty at solving problems, or sticking to promises he makes, fucking asshole, fucking asshole

But would I be open to a polite chat someday?

I guess so.

And idk, he's forgiven my asshole antics before. But i dont expect him to, and if anything, the soda toss was the intention of, "dont you dare fucking think you can treat me like this again and ever think id be cool with you", so.... If he wanted to talk without some sort of explanation or apology, it would absolutely not go well.

So, no "heyyyyy tamia how are youuu?", and pretending nothing had ever happened.

It'd have to be a, "Is it possible we can have a phone call?", and then calling. If that went well, and if i didnt have romantic nor hateful feelings, then hanging out may be an option.

Just, not all resolutions are instant or easy. Sometimes people need space, or time, or distance. Whatever. They need to figure themselves out first.

And if this fight lead to us eventually talking and taking a slow, but steady start back onto the uneasy road of friendship.... i guess thats a potential, to an extent.

But yeah.

....

Flashback time.

That time I apologized and met up with him, shortly after the whole "i blocked him but sent him a meme because i still had unresolved feelings for him" fiasco before.

I apologized to him.

He didn't make it easy for me. Or, he was polite, he's always polite. He's a good guy, and I haven't seen a bad side from him, other than from the most recent events.....

I called him, he picked up. I was surprised, but just asked if we could meet.... I don't remember what he said exactly, but I think it was, "Screw it/Fuck it, I've got nothing else going on", and meeting with me.

I thought he would just be a petty asshole and never show up, (and I would've understood that, since people dont respond well to negative actions like that....)

But to my surprise, lo and behold; a pale, skinny kid, reflecting HELLA light from the sun, with his pale and fully exposed body.

It was like some shit out of Twilight, he hurt to stare directly at. Jesus Christ, kid, you need to get out of your house more.....

I'm playing, kinda. But yeah, there he was, all scrawny, pale, wearing pants that were way too big for his body and an overly tight t shirt. Shaggy-yet-shiny hair around his face, glasses sitting atop his pointed, congested nose.

I literally recall going, "Jesus Fucking Christ, Tamia, THIS is the guy you're so into??? The one you're SO INTO???? THIS GUY??? REALLY???? ALL THESE COLLEGE KIDS AROUND YOU AT UC AND YOURE HUNG UP ON THE SCRAWNY GUY WHO DRESSES LIKE THIS???"

....and yep, i sure did.

For context, before this, we had a fight. Or, a date... a date, that turned into a fight.

I told him one day, "hey, wanna go on a date sometime soon?"

He said "sure, doing what?"

"Its okay, you can choose what youd wanna do!"

"Well i don't know, so.... can you choose?"

....and i just got frustrated, since I thought I was so pathetic.

To myself, i thought.... "Why should I choose the date idea for us? He must really not wanna go out with me if he cant think of even one potential date idea with me, nevertheless me having to ask him first... if he really liked me, he would have been asked.... let's just stop things right now...."

I told him nevermind, and that i may need a break from seeing him. He asked why. I said I wanted to focus on seeing people who really had passion or interest in me, and that were able to.... yknow, show me their interest.

He asked how someone would do that to me in my ideal situation, and I responded along the lines of, "Well, theyd be able to think of a good date between both our interests and find a way to make things work".

(Or something... idk, im writing this at 2am, im not paying attention to every single detail of how texting went with him...)

And he went "oh, i see.", and shortly after, "wanna go to the graveyard and paint with me this saturday?"

.....i assumed he meant that as a date, and was flattered!

(But eh, between me being single when BPatrick suddenly came into town out of nowhere the night before, and having my doubts about if Patrick himself actually liked me or if it was just a friendly hangout.... yeah, things got complicated.)

And then the day of the date, Patrick was being..... Patrick.

Shy, not bringing up things first, being unclear, emotionally blurry, and just kinda treating it like a hangout instead of a full on date....

With me both thinking, "God, BP is nothing like this guy, why am i settling?", and "ah shit is he mad at me... are we a thing? or are we just friends and im the one whos being weird about this?"

I... got tense. I dont wanna say much more than, he didnt tell me what we were, i was passive aggressive and disocciating as we hung out until i just was as blunt as possible about why i wasnt enjoying hanging out with him, (using words like "youre not asking anything about me and youre being uninteresting", instead of "im actually upset since you're giving me mixed signals right now"...)

Long story short; i did eventually ask, but because of the aggression as we both mutually beat around the bush, he said that he absolutely, DEFINITELY was no interested in me romantically at all anymore.

.....fuck!

Then i was mad, blocked him, and ranted on my spam.

And once i burned myself out, i hit the "i really should have handled it better and was rude instead of just pushing past my fears"....

Which lead to:

"Oh SHIT. i wasnt mad since he was boring! hes always boring! and despite hating that, i still couldnt stop liking him! I was just mad that i LIKED his boring ass, and wasnt sure how he had felt back about me, which made the confusion of my own feelings get worse and worse till i took it out in a super immature way!"

....fast forward back to the apology.

He was kind enough to show up, as junkyard and janky looking as possible, in contrast to Posh Ass Berkeley.

I stammered, and asked for a private place.... juuust for him to order a burrito from a semi-private place that still had too many people sitting too nearby for it to be a "private conversation"....

Till he deadass walked outside and said "now come out, hurry up and say what youre gonna say", in between sloppy mouthfuls of the breakfast burrito he was eating. (I HATED THAT I LIKED HIM, HE EATS WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN AND IS A SLOB BUT I STILL SOMEHOW LIKED HIM.)

And had me apologize to him, in the crowded ass streets of Berkeley.... so fucking embarrassing, but no one heard, and i swallowed my pride and did it.

He accepted, in a "eh i dont have friends otherwise i can hang out with often, so sure, otherwise i still dont like you" kind of way..... No offense taken.

We talked more, and....

2:02am, hand cramp, low battery.....

I said during conversation that I liked him.

Key word: liked. As in, past tense.

He was kinda frozen in silence by it, but somehow i guess he was glad to hear i liked him that way and that it was the reason i had acted out?????

Idk, like finding out a kid cut up your favorite book to make you origami, i guess. Still not great, but, somehow endearing either way.....

And we grew from there.

.....I'll still miss the way things used to be.

I liked that day a lot.

Bye, Patrick.

Ill see you later.

[theseasofanimpatientpoet-blog]

Title: Birthday Bash/ Blue Pen (PART 1) As Requested By: @spocksandsandals Relationship: ur dad is TONY STARK so prepare ur self Warnings: a few fun curses but mostly just super sweet dad-daughter moments and LOTS of dad jokes Foreword: sorry this first part is so short but my mom is gonna kill me if I keep going to bed this late Mornings, either accompanied by a screaming alarm or a strange, bearded man repeating your name while leaning against your bedroom door. Aka Tony Stark. Aka your dad who is way too enthusiastic about you becoming the greatest person he’s ever met (maybe not as great as him, but you know…) But this particularly special Saturday morning, you were sadly surprised to be awakened by neither. You shrugged it off and inhaled deeply as you stretched your stiff muscles. You yawned and squinted at the sunlight plowing through the curtains. You took your time sitting up and planting your feet on the wood below your bed. After you had stared at your feet for another minute or so, you glanced backwards at the calendar hanging from the wall beside your desk. Though the sun was in your eyes, you remembered tagging this day with several colorful accommodations that reminded you that today was your birthday! You smiled, wondering what you should do to celebrate such a fantastic occasion! You then reached over to grab your phone when you see it had been replaced with a large, glittery card. You laughed, taking it from your nightstand and examining it. The front was decorated with sparkly letters spelling out, ‘Happy Birthday!’ Below the printed words was your name written boldly in blue pen. Surrounding your name was dozens of messy hearts and thoughtful smiley faces. Inside was a pop up heart and several cartoon animals with patterned party hats. Again, in blue pen, was small hearts and smiles. On the biggest, most forward pop-up heart was a crossed out rhyme which was replaced by a message in some familiar handwriting, ‘Happy Birthday, Y/N, congrats to another year of being absolutely awesome!! Meet me downstairs in your best party clothes and be ready for the best b-day EVER!!!! – The best dad in this dimension’ Your heart smiled as you held the card tightly. You couldn’t help but to imagine what he had planned. After rereading and rereading the passage, you got up and danced around on your creaky hardwood floors, ecstatic about the day ahead. You dressed yourself in a white t-shirt with roses embroidered onto the sleeves, simple shorts, and your favorite slip-ons. You quickly made your way down the stairs of the quarters, the noises your shoes making slapping on the linoleum resembling the noise in your head; your mind racing with ideas of where to go and what to do. Finally making it to the bottom of the dozens of flights of stairs, you were greeted by…silence. Disappointed and confused, you looked around almost anxiously for your father. He isn’t the type of man to do something like this?! After looking down three different hallways, you were ready to give up and go back upstairs when you hear a distinct knocking break the sad silence. You turned to see your dad knocking furiously on the glass with a large, impatient smile on his scruffy face. You ran to the door and pushed it open, you felt yourself squeaking with happiness! Dad greeted you with a colossal bear hug, lifting you off the ground. Once he put you down, you noticed he wasn’t wearing a suit, but casual clothes. Khaki shorts, a beige t-shirt, and good-looking tennis shoes. Dang…you thought, walking beside your father as he told you about the day ahead. A casual look? Hmm…he must have something pretty cool planned if he’s dressed casually like this… “So,” Tony interjected, moving your attention back to the days plan. “How does it feel to be another year older?! Any different? Cooler? Edgier?!” He made almost chop-like motions while speaking, which made you cringe at his emphasis. You thought at first, not used to this more laid back version of your usually tense father. “Uh, I guess, its nice to have a few more opportunities open now that I’m older. But otherwise, not much difference.” He shrugged before knocking you on the arm and pointing forward to a mini-golf course range that had just opened a week or two ago. “Wanna play?” You laughed and nodded before yelling “RACE YA” and sprinting off towards the course. All you heard is a distressed “DAMNIT Y/N” until you slow down to catch up with your dad, feeling a bit bad for leaving him in the dust so quickly there. Once you catch up with him, he starts powerwalking in front of you, but not before he looks back and sticks his tongue out you as he powerwalks towards the course. And all of a sudden, both you and your used-to-be-work-savvy dad are competitively power-walking towards a colorful mini-golf course for your birthday (which you already know will be the best one in the whole dimension). //////////// ayy first part done!!! Man I love writing for people!!!1!! It helps me flex my writing skills while having fun and making others happy all at the same time,,,anyways the next part’ll be up later tomorrow or early the next day <3  love u thanks for reading ///////////

#tony stark #fanfiction #fanfic #avengers #birthday #imagine #writing #my writing #part 1