#once again in that state of 'only alive so my family don't get sad' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bones4thecats · 6 months

Text

Adopting Their Fallen Enemy's Child (PT.3) ~ RoR/SnV x Child! Reader

Type of Writing: Poll Result Characters: Qin Shi Huang, Jack the Ripper, Sasaki Kojiro, & Child! Reader Name: Adopting Their Fallen Enemy's Child (PT.4) Original Poll Link: Here Other Parts: (PT.1), (PT.2), & (PT.3)

A/N: Okay, this is the final part of this series until the next few rounds of Ragnarok come out! Now, enjoy!!

●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・

●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・

👑 This guy never realized a small child watching his fight against the God of the Underworld, Hades

👑 So, when he heard many Gods yelling and the small footsteps of a child's, he spun himself around while Alvitr gasped and said your name

👑 Qin Shi Huang had a small soft spot for children, and whenever he saw one crying, he'd feel so bad for them, no matter their status

👑 But, he was the most sad for you...

👑 You looked completely different from your father, the only real things telling you guys were family was the leaf markings on your face and neck, your elf-like ears, and aura you both carried

👑 He paused and looked at his Valkyrie for some help, in which she just looked at you with pity before motioning her hand to you

👑 Qin sat down next to you as you bawled where your father once stood, asking him why he wanted to fight and why life wasn't being fair

👑 The Gods and Humans gasped as Qin laid your head on his lap, he patted your head as the medical staff came running out to you both

👑 When he awoke, he saw you laying on his chest while reading a small book the staff gave you

👑 He looked at you and pat your head, causing you to hug his good hand and try healing his two missing fingers, to which he said;

" I'm surprised you don't hate my guts because of what happened out there! It's quite amazing how calm you are despite the circumstances, kiddo! In fact, would you like to stay here and watch the next few rounds with me? I don't mind! "

●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・

🩸 Jack admired your father, Heracles, for who he was and the color he radiated, so when he felt another similar, yet smaller form running into the arena with a slight amount of fear, he froze

🩸 Humanity stayed silent as your tiny form ran out of the hallway and towards your crumpling father, crying his name

🩸 The killer and the warrior looked back and saw you, and your father chuckled, commenting on how stubborn you were

" Hey hun, don't worry about your old dad, okay? You'll see me again sometime! " " Don't lie to me, daddy! I can't stand it when you lie! "

🩸 Jack stared at you both witch a hint of sadness in his heart, but, he wondered, why did he feel this way? He never had before since he was a child

🩸 Heracles looked at Jack and alerted him with your name, making him look up from you and into your father's blue eyes, which were slowly turning green and breaking apart

" Take care of them for me, yeah? "

🩸 You looked at Jack when your father turned into nothing and sniffed as he stiffened, why would he entrust his child to someone who killed when alive?

🩸 Humanity erupted in protest, stating you should return to your family, in which you held your hands to your ears and ran to grab Jack's leg in fear, and he had to hold himself back from really making you scared

🩸 Whatever reason Heracles had for giving him guardianship of you must have been important, so, what kind of gentleman would dishonor the wish of a fallen warrior?

●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・

🌸 You watched your father get killed in front of you, you had every right to be upset at that human right now

🌸 Sasaki sat in the medical bay healing from your father's trident hits, and when he heard the distant calls of some of the Gods, he sat up in shock

🌸 Especially when his door burst open with a young child standing there, and when you closed it shut, his eyes widened when he really looked at you

🌸 Your outfit loosely resembled Poseidon's, from the tighter top to the charm around your waist and the cloth that fell down your legs

🌸 He looked at you and at the ground in shame, you must have been very upset with him, he had killed your father, but when you said the words that you said next, his heart jumped

" Do not worry, mortal man, I do not hate you for this. Rather, I dislike my father, he should have not engaged in such a puny battle against Humanity. And, I would like to apologize for his words, he wasn't the most pleasant man in Valhalla. "

🌸 Sasaki was officially shell-shocked

🌸 One would normally hate the one who killed their parent, but the way you just maturely confessed your true motive behind visiting him, it made him chuckle to himself

🌸 You were very daring, definitely taking after your father in that way, and the way you held yourself was very similar, making him looked back on the way your father looked up at where Zeus and Hermes laid

🌸 You must've been up there with your cousin and uncle watching

🌸 Sasaki smiled and offered you a seat by him, along with a drink, in which, after a long while of talking about his battle tactics, you asked him to adopt you, claiming your uncles, besides Hades, weirded you out

🌸 He chuckled at your bold question and nodded, stating;

" I would love to take you in as my own, dear heir of the sea. And while I'm not sure your family will be happy with this development, if you are alright with it, you may call me your father. "

557 notes · View notes

floatyflowers · 2 years

Text

The Adopted Princess| Dark! Targaryen and Velaryon Boys x Reader (Aegon II, Aemond, Jacaerys, Lucerys) Part IV

Part III

You stand in between your father and Aegon, feeling sad as they throw Laena's body into the sea.

Yes, you never met the woman but it saddened you to see her family's state, especially her daughters'.

On the other hand, Aegon tries to sneakily touch your hand, but you slap it away without anyone seeing anything.

Well, Alicent did notice the interaction and is staring at you...but not with hate, more like a stare filled with sorrow as if she remembered something.

Or someone.

Alicent tried to speak with you once by sending someone to bring you to her chambers, but Rhaenyra didn't allow you to go and said you were sick.

It always feels like your mother and the queen are hiding something from you.

You grab into the necklace Aemond gave to you, playing with it nervously, wanting all of that to end quickly, just to get away from the unempathetic Aegon.

Daemon looks at your mother and two younger brothers then at you, his eyes linger on you before he chuckles.

You frown in confusion at this strange behavior, not understanding what is funny at his wife's funeral.

But you know why he is chuckling, it must be because Jacaerys and Lucerys don't look anything like their father, Laenor.

You honestly, don't like the man, you have heard rumors about him, one of which is that he killed his first wife.

Daemon stares at you once again, but this time you can't read what is written on his face.

It seems like everyone considers his staring normal except for you as if they know something you don't know about at all.

꧁𑁍꧂

"You seem sad"

Aemond says, standing beside you after finishing his conversation with his brother

"That's because I wonder if I'm to meet the same fate as her one day, dying at childbirth is very common nowadays" you admit, playing once again with your necklace in nervousness.

This is surely a strange habit for the Targaryen prince to see.

His mother would scratch her fingers until they bleed if she is faced with pressure and worry.

"Don't worry, I'm sure you are strong enough for this duty" you smile slightly at his words.

"Children are not just for duty, Aemond, they are meant to be cared for and loved" you assert your point of view.

"Adding to that, I feel sorry for Helaena for ending up with Aegon"

He only smiles at you, ready to speak once again, but stops once he sees Daemon signing for you to come over to him.

You also seem to notice this gesture which made you surprised.

"Is he signing to me?" You question, wanting to be sure just not to embarrass yourself.

"I believe so" Aemond replies.

"I will see what he wants, speak to you later, my prince"

With that, you walk toward Daemon, feeling nervous with each step you take toward him.

"Y-you wanted to speak with me?"

Those are the words you stutter out, the moment you reach him.

"The last time I saw you, you were just a baby held by my son, you also have his eyes"

Now, you are perplexed by the older man's words, not understanding what he is trying to imply.

"Your son? you have a son-"

"I had a son, Rhaeger was his name, him, Rhaenyra, and Alicunt were friends "

You ignore the horrid nickname he gave to the queen as you finally come to realize what he is trying to say to you, that you are his granddaughter.

That's why your mother adopted you, not because she didn't have the heart to see you hurt and alone.

But, because you are her friend's daughter.

"What about my real mother, is she alive?"

"Your mother was from house Dayne, she died giving birth to you"

You gulp, trying to process the new information in your head.

The dragon egg only hatched due to the fact that you are Targaryen.

You are a Targaryen and your adoptive mother kept this fact hidden from you for some unknown reason.

Your red eyes look around the place to not meet that of Daemon's, but meet the worried ones of Rhaenyra.

"I thought you only had two wives" you mumble, returning your gaze to him.

"I married the first time when I was young, she was also a Tully"

Silence follows afterward, however, it doesn't last for long.

You walk away from the rough prince without saying anything to him.

Nevertheless, you catch a strange sight at the end of one of the stairs.

It was Aegon and Lord Hightower, it seems like the Targaryen prince has fallen drunk.

You were about to walk away until you see Otto hit his grandson with his foot angrily.

Aegon has always told you about his grandfather's bad treatment toward him, but seeing it now with your own eyes, made your blood boil.

Forgetting Aegon's misbehavior towards you, you quickly and without thinking, you descend the stair until you reach them.

"What do you think you are doing, Lord Hightower" you spat out, glaring at the said man.

The hand of the king looks back at you.

"The prince seems to have a little too much wine" you raise an eyebrow at him.

"Does this give you the right to hit him?"

Otto narrows his eyes at you.

"I-" you cut him off.

"If you don't want to lose your position again, I would suggest you start treating the prince with respect"

Otto quickly takes his leave after you threaten him, leaving you alone with Aegon.

If people see you with Aegon, rumors would spread about you, yet, you don't care.

"(Y/n), you are here, my beloved (Y/n)" Aegon speaks in a drunk tone while you help him up.

"Let's get you sober, Aegon"

꧁𑁍꧂

You can't believe that you allowed things to escalate so quickly, you were supposed to protect Jacaerys and Lucerys.

Baela, Rhaena, Jacaerys, and Lucerys all got in a fight with Aemond for him claiming Vhagar as his own.

You tried to stop what was going on, but Aemond hit you accidentally with a rock when he was trying to aim at Jace instead.

Which caused Luke to slash him across the face causing him to lose an eye.

And to make matters worst, Viserys thought it would be a good idea to engage you to Aemond to lessen the heat between the greens and blacks.

And You were to return with them to king's landing, so when the time comes you and Aemond would marry each other

That's all after it's revealed who your real father is.

You felt like you are being held hostage.

Aemond was happy, he felt like it was fair to lose an eye just to get a strong dragon and marry you.

And your mother was not allowed to object, even Daemon who was angry about the proposal wasn't allowed to state his opinion.

Surprisingly, Alicent didn't say anything about the matter as if she didn't mind.

Right now, you are standing in front of Rhaenyra, while she looks at you with sadness in her eyes.

"Why didn't you say anything about my father?"

Your mother grabs your hands into her, to comfort you with her upcoming words.

"Your father is the one who requested that, he didn't want Daemon to raise you"

Her hands lay on your cheeks, looking straight into your soul.

"You are my daughter no matter what, (Y/n)"

A/n:Why do you think Alicent didn't object to the idea of Aemond being engaged to you? I would love to hear your opinion.

Part V

Taglist:

@lazystrawberrypenguin @aims02@ietss @hamaeditzs @nebulaemo @pentaknati@katipie67@thatsusbitch@moonchild-cupcake @badwicht @keepingupwiththesile @siriusblaclrunmeover17@akinatrix @littlekoumiss @watermelonsugarsigh @crazylokonugget @babyblue-chaos

#tw: toxic relationships #house of the dragon #aemond targaryen x reader #yandere house of the dragon #aegon ii targaryen x reader #jacaerys velaryon x reader #lucerys velaryon x reader

2K notes · View notes

grandeoatmilklatte · 11 months

Text

Undying Love 💍 (Part 3 - Twenty Four Hours)

Finally part 3! So sorry this took so long (I know it was only 6 days but that feels like a long time for me!) I hope the wait was worth it cause it gets very angsty in this part.

Undying Love - Part 3: Twenty Four Hours - Ominis Gaunt x Female MC

Summary: The trio is reeling from the incident in the library. Feelings get hurt and plans start getting in motion. 2.4k words.

@myrachondria - tagging you in this too since you asked me to tag you in part 2! 💕

Part 1, Part 2, Part 4, Part 5!

Warnings: NSFW/18+!! There is smut in this part!! Characters are aged up, out of school, and married. Do not read if you are under 18!

There is also a very brief mention of FAKE unalive at the very end (it's not real everyone is very much alive) so please be advised and please don't read if that may be triggering.

----

Ominis remained in his room all afternoon into the evening, even refusing to come to dinner. Sebastian and MC didn’t bother to check on him, opting to give him space. MC felt incredibly guilty, but she insisted on keeping up the couple facade, fearful of the consequences if they stopped.

“Where’s Ominis? Was he not with you earlier?” Mrs. Gaunt questioned the duo at dinner. Marvolo spoke up before either one of them could. “I passed by his room on the way over here. He was in bed. Mentioned he wasn’t feeling well, not sure why…” Marvolo smirked in MC and Sebastian’s direction. Before he could say anything else, MC spoke. “We can check on him and bring him some dinner later. Come to think of it, he did mention his stomach wasn’t feeling well earlier!” Mrs. Gaunt thanked them, and dinner continued without a hitch.

As MC was gathering up a plate to take to Ominis, Marvolo approached her, another stupid smirk on his stupid face. “You know, when I checked up on Ominis earlier, I could have sworn I heard him crying…maybe he’s got a stomach bug by the name of jealousy?” he winked at her as he walked away, MC trying desperately to not hurl her dinner in response to that wink.

MC wanted to be the one to try and talk to Ominis. She gently knocked on his door, but didn’t give him a chance to answer, slowly entering. “Ominis…” her voice was soft and gentle. Sebastian closed the door behind them before MC continued. “Please talk to us, we’ve brought you dinner…” Her heart broke once again as she took in the state of her husband.

He had been lying face down on the bed, but had sat up when MC spoke. She could see he had indeed been crying, his eyes red and puffy. He was breathing harshly, his hair was disheveled, his clothes were strewn around the floor, having changed into his pajamas, and there was a scowl on his face. “What do you want?” he choked out, his voice raspy.

MC approached the bed and sat on the edge of it. She reached to take Ominis’s hand, and he didn’t pull away this time. “We just want to talk. Please?” MC held back her own tears that were desperate to fall. “Leave Sebastian. I want to talk to my wife privately.” There was an angry emphasis on “my wife” when he spoke. Sebastian set down the dinner plate he had been holding and quietly left.

Once Ominis heard the sound of the door shutting, he unleashed on MC. “HOW COULD YOU?! You did the one thing I BEGGED you not to do! You’re my wife MC, does that mean NOTHING to you?! Do you have any idea how that felt?! To hear you two?!” His tears started up again.

MC felt her heart shatter. It broke her hearing the sadness in her husband’s voice. “Ominis please! We had no choice. You know your brother, he would have gone to your parents and then what? We discussed this. We knew this could happen but we agreed to it because we all want you to get away from your family. Please, Ominis. I love you.” Her tears began to fall as well.

“Did you like it?” His voice was a cold whisper. “What?” MC choked out. Ominis spoke louder, his voice icy. “Did you like it?”

MC sighed. “In the moment, yes.” She knew this would hurt, but she didn’t want to lie to him. “But Ominis, I don’t feel anything towards him. I love you. I chose you. I could have had him, but I didn’t want him. I wanted you. I wanted to make it believable, and it felt good, for a split second. But I didn’t do it because I wanted to. I did it to protect us. Please believe me.” MC was sobbing at this point. “I’d give up anything for you. I’m risking my life for you. Because I want you and because I love you!”

MC reached for Ominis’s face to stroke his cheek, but he shifted away the moment her hand made contact with him. Knowing that her words had done nothing to help the situation, she got up to leave. But as she was about to, Ominis stopped her.

“Send Sebastian in here.” His voice was still cold as ice. She said nothing as she left. She found Sebastian in the library, updating him on all that transpired. He promised her he’d talk to Ominis and try to calm him down. When he entered Ominis’s room, MC tried to eavesdrop, but the door was enchanted with a silencing charm immediately. So she made her way over to the bathroom to fix herself a bath, the warm water providing comfort as she cried.

____

It was after midnight when MC finally exited the bath, believing she had cried so much she no longer had working tear ducts. The home was quiet, MC assuming the Gaunts had turned in for the night. MC made her way to Ominis’s room and quietly entered, nervous as to what she’d find. Both boys were asleep and there was a single candle lit on a nightstand by the bed. Sebastian had opted for the couch in the bedroom, and Ominis was in the bed. As there was only one couch in the room, MC reluctantly climbed into bed, laying as far away from Ominis as she could, her back to him. She blew out the candle and closed her tired eyes, letting her exhaustion take her.

___

MC had only been asleep for an hour before she awoke to the feeling of Ominis’s arms under and around her waist and his chest against her back. She then felt his lips near her ear. “Your breathing has changed, I know you’re awake.” She let out a sigh confirming that she was awake, but said nothing. She would have turned to face Ominis, but his arms had a tight grip around her waist. He lifted the arm that was over her to brush some hair away from her neck before bringing his lips to her neck, planting soft kisses. MC was confused, but said nothing and let Ominis continue. She then felt the same hand that had pushed her hair out of the way pull up her night slip and sneak under the waistband of her underwear. MC let out a soft whispered moan as Ominis began to rub her clit slowly and softly.

“Ominis…Sebastian’s in the room.” She felt bad even mentioning Sebastian’s name, but she felt like she had to remind Ominis of this. “Well, probably best to be quiet then, right?” He was still upset, as there was a bite to his whisper. She felt conflicted, while she was enjoying the way he was touching her, she felt terrible about Sebastian being so close. She thought about putting a stop to it, but her body made the decision for her, her legs adjusting on their own so Ominis could reach her better. Ominis chuckled at the adjustment. He slid two fingers inside of her, pumping them slowly but deeply into her. MC turned her head into the pillow to let out a moan. “Tell me what you want, darling. Tell me WHO you want.” Ominis growled. There was a darkness to Ominis’s voice, similar to how he was the night before they left home, but while Ominis typically hid his darkness, it seemed to be in full force tonight. MC started to answer him in a whisper, but Ominis cut her off.

“I can’t hear you, darling. You’re going to have to speak a bit louder.” His voice was no longer a whisper. “You! I want you, Ominis! Please!” MC moaned out. “Good girl.” Ominis was back to whispering as he replaced his fingers inside of her with his cock. He lifted her leg up with his hand and began to thrust quick and hard into her, the bed creaking. MC placed both hands over her mouth, but it didn’t do much good in muffling her moans. With his other hand that was still underneath her, he reached up and grabbed both of her hands, pulling them from her face. “You’d really deny me those pretty sounds you make? I want to hear you, darling. Moan for me. Loud.” he said through gritted teeth. She willingly obeyed.

Both of their orgasms came quickly, MC’s first, with a loud whimper, Ominis’s immediately after, with a groan. Ominis had finally let go of MC, allowing her to turn and face him. She stared at him, savoring how lovely he looked in the moonlight. She leaned in, planting a kiss on his lips. “I love you, Ominis.” He didn’t respond, instead letting out a sigh and turning to face away from her. Her heart began to ache once again until he finally spoke up. “Goodnight, MC…I love you too.”

MC snuggled up against his back, wrapping her arms around him the way he had done to her. She nuzzled her face into his back and fell asleep, but not before she sat up to check on Sebastian. She noticed he was facing the wall with his pillow over his head, which was different from the position he was in when she walked in the room earlier.

____

MC was alone when she woke the next morning. She got herself dressed and went to go find the boys. As she walked through the house, the sound of arguing in the kitchen caught her attention. She couldn’t make out what was being said, but she knew the voices she heard were Ominis and Sebastian. As she entered the kitchen, the fighting immediately stopped, but the sight she happened on was damning enough. Ominis and Sebastian had been the ones fighting, both of their wands drawn as if they were about to start casting at each other. Sebastian had his hand on his cheek, as if he had been hit with something. Marvolo was standing in the corner, having been watching the scene excitedly. He shot a wide grin at MC, which she ignored.

“What is going on here?!” MC shouted. Neither boy answered her, but they both sported angry faces. Marvolo was the one to reply, giddy as ever. “I came in to get some tea when I found them screaming at each other. Sebastian yelling about how a girl like you could never love Ominis, Ominis yelling about how Sebastian is no good for you and doesn’t deserve you. Ominis then had the balls to slap Sebastian! I didn’t know my brother had it in him!” MC was confused. Was this part of the plan, or were they still fighting? She still hadn’t spoken to Sebastian since early yesterday, so she had no idea how their talk went. And as much as she enjoyed what she and Ominis had done last night, she knew Ominis had done it to spite Sebastian, knowing he would hear it. She didn’t have the chance to respond before Ominis, wand in hand, stormed out of the kitchen. Sebastian then spoke to her. “Come on, sweetheart! Why don’t we head over to the library.” he said through gritted teeth.

___

MC hoped that she’d get some kind of explanation from Sebastian, but she didn’t. Sebastian seemed upset with MC as well, likely because of last night. She thought back to her time with him two years ago. He loved her, but she had been the one to break it off, as she could no longer handle Sebastian’s reckless behavior. They broke up at the end of 5th year, didn’t speak all summer, and then three months into their 6th year, her and Ominis were together. Sebastian seemed to have accepted it at the time, and seemed to be okay this entire time, but maybe he hadn't actually moved on. Maybe their kiss woke up feelings that had been dormant this whole time. She hated the thought of that. They came here to help Ominis and free him from his family, not cause a rift between them.

That evening, after dinner, MC was able to get the two of them alone in Ominis’s bedroom. It was the first time she had gotten them alone, as they had avoided each other all day.

“Look, I don’t care that you two are upset with each other, we need to figure out what our next steps are. The faster we do this, the faster we can stop this fake relationship thing, the faster we can go home!” MC was becoming upset herself, but neither boy would talk to her. MC began to cry in frustration. “Please talk to me! We need to figure this out! After sitting in silence for some time, MC stormed out of the room to go run a bath.

She admittedly spent a long time in the bath, just sitting in the water, deep in thought. Well over an hour had gone by when she exited the bathroom. The bathroom was on a lower floor than Omnis’s room, so the lower floor was quiet when she emerged. However, as she climbed the stairs to make her way back to Ominis’s room, she heard shouting in the room. She once again could not hear what was being said, but she assumed the boys had been fighting again, that is until she got closer and heard another voice, Marvolo’s.

The sight she walked into was chaos. The first thing she noticed was Ominis, unconscious on his bed, his wand, a note, and a potion vial at the foot of the bed. Her brain couldn’t register what neither Sebastian nor Marvolo were shouting at her until Sebastian was face to face with her, grabbing her shoulders. “MC! Darling! You shouldn’t be here. You need to go, please!”

“What’s going on!?” She screamed at Sebastian, panic setting in.

“MC…Ominis, he…he’s gone. He poisoned himself. He left a note…he said he loved you and the thought of you being with me and not loving him back made him do it…I…I’m sorry!” He pulled MC into an embrace. MC took a second to register what Sebastian had said, tears about to explode out of her until her eyes caught the vial on the bed once again. She took a second to study it, her brain recognizing it right away - Garreth’s sleeping draught potion.

Phase 2 of their plan had officially started. They now had less than 24 hours. In less than 24 hours her and Ominis would be free of the Gaunts for good.

---end of part 3---

#ominis gaunt #ominis gaunt smut #ominis gaunt x mc #ominis gaunt x reader #ominis x mc

102 notes · View notes

suwisuwii · 6 months

Text

When my ex finally moved out I thought I wouldn't really see him again. Or just not very often. Now, I know he isn't going to move back in to live with me, just my daughter, but I have been anxious all day.

My daughter is coming back tomorrow, and he'll be staying at an airbnb or something until he finds a place.

The reason why I allowed my daughter to leave is because she was supposed to stay with his family, who would take proper care of her. That is no longer the case.

Now why didn't I offer to let him stay here too until he finds something?

I know the moment he sits down in my house, he won't leave.

(I'm going to be talking about some graphic details below, tw for death, murder, rape, suicide mention )

This guy tricked me into getting pregnant, following him to his country, and doing sex work for years. He never tried to find a job, he was perfectly happy with me working 24h a day, not seeing my daughter for weeks, just so I could afford him a work-free life. I had agreed to a few months of it while he looked for a job, and was now trapped in it without an end in sight.

When a client raped me and almost killed me, he said it was "part of the job".

On another occasion one of my coworkers was murdered and dismembered, and he showed no symphathy when he saw her on the news and I told him that was my friend.

(the killer is now in jail, I had met him once and I won't go into details but I survived because I made a scene and he left. I felt sick for a few days but it wasn't enough to kill me. He has been found guilty of 3 murders, and 7 attempts)

But I just kept on going and didn't feel human anymore.

At a point I was in therapy because I wanted to die. I wasn't even sad or upset, I just thought of myself as a disposable tool. I was soon to have enough money to buy a flat in cash, and I would buy that for him and my daughter, and then just die. I felt happy thinking about the time when I would finally be free and die.

The only reason I was able to stop, and wiggle out of that situation was because of the first covid lockdown. The whole country shut down for months, we literally were not allowed fo leave our house unless we were going to buy essentials (police asked for receipts). Initially I felt trapped, slowed down. I had to be alive a little longer.

Things changed when I made friends, even if online, for the first time in years. I started seeing myself as a person again and not a tool.

I broke up with him, and kept on mantaining him economically for years just because I felt obligated to. But I started making art again during that time and earning money for myself. When he left, I thought it was finally over.

I know I am realistically not in danger but as my partner said to me today, every time he calls I end up spiraling in a frenzy. I think it's the trauma.

In any case. I can't wait to have my daughter back. And whatever happens, I'll fight to keep my freedom.

I'm also very grateful for the partner I have now. I was in a bad mental state today, and he said that he will not let anything bad happen to me. It sounds like something simple but I know he means it. And I don't feel as scared if he's supporting me.

I know I can't lose my freedom now but damn every time I get so scared. I guess that's how trauma works. It's not rational.

#personal #thoughts #venting #I'm having a bad day but I'm trying my best #there's traumadumping here so skip if it bothers you #tw rape mention #murder mention #suicide mention #I'm so tired I need a hug

18 notes · View notes

annepsilvaauthor · 4 months

Text

You Belong With Me - Jamie Dutton

Pairing: Jamie Dutton x OC (Ava North)

Summary: Ava only wanted one thing: to be a horse tamer. And when she had the chance, she took it. Ava became the new horse tamer of Yellowstone, a totally different ranch from the others she met, either because of its immensity or because of family problems. Ava thought her problems were big, but when she met the Dutton family that thought dies. However, there is a Dutton who is a point out of the curve, a lawyer mistreated by the problems and by his own family. Meeting Jamie Dutton may not have been the work of chance, after all one broken understands the other.

Warnings: Subtle sexual innuendos, brief language, alcohol consumption, angst, smut, fluffy.

A place for women

"The ranch isn't a place for women, Ava." Rip said sounding more protective than she had ever seen. "There are only animals there."

"Great, I love animals," she replied with determination after taking a sip of her beer.

"Don't tell me you want to wash a cow's ass? That's what a cowboy does...and many other things."

"No, I don't want that. You know what my talent is, Rip." She reminded him with a confident smile of her glory days in the rodeos.

"Oh, of course. The 'horse enchanter'. I remember her." He disdained with a smile and drank a sip of beer straight from the bottle. "You earned much more at the rodeos than you would at the ranch."

"You know why I done competitions, I'm not going to get into this subject again." She protested almost angry and asked for another drink.

Ava looked around. It was almost three in the morning and the bar was empty, there were only the two of them there exchanging favors as they always did. Rip sent it, she did it and he paid for it. It was always good money, but she was tired of infiltrating, selling her body to get information and pretending to be who she wasn't. The competitions gave her a lot of fame and exposure, the work of private detective locked her in lies. Ava wanted an escape from all that, she wanted to live in a place where she could be herself. Yellowstone looked like one of those places.

"Are you going to help me or not?" Ava asked incisively, but Rip continued in his passive state, drinking the beer as if it were the most expensive wine in the world. "Damn, we've known each other for I don't know how many fucking years and I've never asked you for anything, Rip. This should help you understand how much this matters to me."

"I know it's important to you...and it's precisely because we've known each other for so long that I'm afraid to put you in there." He sighed heavily and ran away from her eyes with every word. "You know the...things I've been doing, damn it. You know that. In there you're not a simple cowboy or horse tamer, you're their property. His property."

"You never complained about what you had to do for the Dutton. This means that you agree with what should have been done. You are part of them now or of his property. And if he protects his own property so well and I will be a part of it, then there is no other place in the world safer than there."

Rip shook his head in denial and fixed his dark and deep eyes on hers. There was pain, anger and sadness in them, something not so different from Ava's. That's what connected them and continued to keep their friendship so alive.

"I'm not going to convince you otherwise, am I?" He asked with a weak smile and she denied it with her head. He sighed strongly and drank two more big sips of his beer. "OK. I can do it for you...but there's something you need to know before you get in."

"I'm all ears." Ava moved around on the stool, turning totally to her friend, who had suddenly taken a very serious tone.

"We all value loyalty very much. John values that for real. We do what he asks without questioning... out here you had the opportunity to change branches as many times as you needed, but not there. Once you entered the ranch, you don't leave there anymore, do you understand?" Rip's eyes shone in a kind of devotion mixed with terror and Ava paid attention at every word, internalizing that for good. She nodded in agreement. "Are you sure you still want to do that?"

"More than anything in my life." Ava opened a moved smile." It will be good for me, Rip, you know that. They were good for you. Look at you! All full of authority, toughness and giving me orders. What can be so bad about that ranch that I haven't seen in my life?"

He didn't answer that, he just looked at her again in depth, which made her feel as small as she was when they met a few months before the tragedy with his family. Rip had been her protector as a child and, even though Ava was already on the verge of thirty-five, he still protected her as if she were that frightened and lost girl from Miles City. Well, Ava was no longer like that, she could take down anyone who approached her with ulterior motives, but a part of her liked Rip's protection, as much as it often irritated her.

"I'm going to be your boss." He informed in a mocking tone after the brief pause.

"Let's see for how long." Ava returned in challenge and the two laughed.

"Be in the shed in an hour." He announced and Ava raised an eyebrow. Rip laughed. "I'm not going to make it easy for you just because we're friends. You'll be like any other beginner."

"I didn't expect anything different from you." Ava stroked his shoulder with one hand, pulling his attention out of the bottle to her. "Thank you for that."

"Let's drink one more as friends."

19 notes · View notes

akookminsupporter · 1 year

Note

yk i used to have an old frnd who i was very close to. like really. we used to talk all the time even though we live miles away and haven't met in like 7+ years. but we always got along. she had a really wide and kind of a different approach to life than other people which i really found admiring. i learned a lot of things from her and i honestly miss her presence sometimes. we don't talk anymore. time got us. there wasn't any fight or anything, we just gradually drifted apart and that's what hurts the most. why am i telling you this? because you remind me of her sometimes. she was strong, opinionated and never feared stating whatever was on her mind. that's a quality i acquired from her. so yeah... reading your messages (replies to the anons) remind me of her sometimes.

hope u do well in life, get everything u want and keep up with your spirit, rosie. i wish you the best in life and i hope everyone around you shows their love in their own way to you. and it's my request to you too, that if you have something to say to someone, say it. you never know when things might change, nothing is forever even the best of relationships (platonic, familial or romantic) end sometimes and you don't know when a stranger might become your new special person. so please don't ever hesitate to show your love to your loved ones. i've lost people and it won't be a lie if i say i barely have friends right now (i'm not forty years old, sigh. just ended high school) but that's fine i still have a lot more things coming. i could meet new people in college and hopefully form new definitions of friendships and relationships. but yes, from whatever i have seen so far, what i am sure of is that nothing is forever. i talk to everyone and you won't believe me people see me as a "happy go lucky girl" which i always like, because why being sad in front of people and making them feel sad when they can't do anything to help you? (in a good way. but i have this serious issue of bottling things up and that lead to anxiety. bad one) i literally have these thick walls because of how scared i am of forming bonds just for the fear of losing them. sigh. i just told you nothing is forever but i, myself have a hard time accepting that. easier said than done, isn't it? lol anyway a lot of sentimental and philosophical stuff have been said. geez i might cringe later at myself if you post this. nvm, it's so good that i found your blog, found bts, found armys, and found uh idk everything? yeah, life could be depressing but i try to smile it off because why not?

a frnd of mine was saying she's going to kill herself and i swear i've heard that lot more times from different people. two kids (15 year olds) commited suicide in the last two months where i live. and i was crying in the bathroom because idk who might be next. and it scares me yk what if it's me next? or in future months or years later maybe if i can't smile anymore? it's so disturbing, sigh. and i hate when people joke and say 'i'm gonna kill myself' at the slightest discomfort in life. at least once, just for a second i want them to think of thousands of those people who are surviving under constant fear of hurting themselves for real, who are actually struggling to keep themselves alive, to fight back life harder than it comes for them, and those who want someone to help them out of vicious circle of depression, anxiety and other similar problems they're caught in. i don't like people who make mental health issues look 'aesthetic'. hope they grow up to know better soon.

god i need to learn how to shut up. sorry this long. i love your blog, please don't ever shut this down. ilysm, hope you stay healthy and live your best life. also, again i'm sorry if my message is too depressing. i started off only to tell you that you remind me of my (ex) best friend lol.

Hi, anon! How are you?

I hope this doesn't sound disrespectful but I was a bit surprised when I read that you recently finished high school. There is experience in your words, experience that is usually gained over the years, with mistakes and frustrations but also joys. You are wise beyond your years, anon. That was nice to see. Although I keep in mind that at no point did you mention your age, assuming you're a teenager is perhaps a bit bold of me.

I think I've said it all day but thank you for the nice opinion you have of me. Thank you for the way you think of me. Thank you for somehow telling me that my sincerity is perceived by all of you. I'm sorry that you and your former friend have drifted apart. Life is funny like that sometimes. Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us something but not to stay. And in itself, that is also a life lesson.

In part, you remind me of me but unlike you, I have never had such positive thoughts about my future. About other people's? Of course, I have, but not about mine, I guess in that respect I like to preach but I don't apply what I preach.

Thanks for the advice and good wishes. You are a special person anon. Try not to change. Always try not to let life and all its tribulations ruin your way of thinking. Maybe try to be a little more positive about yourself. Trusting someone else people say is a rewarding thing to do, I need to work on that too, maybe we can do it together. I sincerely hope that people come into your life who bring something to you instead of taking something away from you. I hope that people come into your life with whom you can form sincere, honest and lasting relationships. You sound like the kind of friend I would like to have. That I often need to have.

I wish you nothing but the best anon, thank you for your kind words. I promise I won't forget what you said to me.

GRACIAS!!

24 notes · View notes

linagram · 1 year

Text

[ 𝚛𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚊'𝚜 𝚝𝟷 𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚊 ] 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚟𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚊𝚒𝚗

THE LAST VD. FINALLY. we're very close to the end of trial 1, now there's only riku and reina's interrogation + their trial results left.

thank you so much for all your support btw! it's still so hard for me to believe that someone would find these guys interesting enough to read all of this 😭💖💕

(divider link)

(door opens)

Eiji: Hello, Prisoner 010.

Reina: Oh! Hello there, Guard-san! Can't believe it's already time for my interrogation! So excited~

Miki: .. Y-you're excited for your own interrogation?

Reina: Of course! I'd love to answer any of your questions.

Reina: Ehehe, it's kinda like.. I don't know, spending the night talking to your friends and getting to know each other better.

Reina: I miss that feeling, not gonna lie.

Eiji: .. I'm glad that you're the last prisoner. You all are way too weird for me to understand.

Eiji: Well, it's not like I want to understand you. I just have to learn more about your crime and then I can vote you guilty without feeling like I've made a mistake.

Reina: Oh, don't worry about that, Guard-san.

Reina: You don't even need to interrogate me to understand why you should vote me guilty.

Eiji: Yeah, sure, you've been talking about how dangerous you are since you got here.

Reina: Well, I am dangerous. You're literally talking to a serial killer right now-

Eiji: Anyway, Prisoner 010, Himura Reina. 20 years old, unemployed.

Eiji: Huh. So you're not even a college student or anything like that?

Reina: Nope. I don't see why someone like me should get an education.

Reina: Also, from what Eiko-chan and Yurika-chan have told me, it sounds very hard. I don't wanna go through something like that.

Reina: We only live once after all. So I wanna spend my life having fun with the people I love~

Miki: Oh, what do you do for fun, Himura-san?

Reina: Kill people, steal their stuff or maybe just beat them up!

Miki: O-oh.

Eiji: And.. you really do it just for fun?

Reina: Yep.

Reina: What, did you expect me to have a deep and tragic reason for it?

Reina: Sorry, I don't have one.

Reina: Oh, I can come up with one right now though! Let's see..

Miki: U-um, sorry, Himura-san, but..

Miki: I still think that you most likely do have a reason to act like that.

Reina: Really? Why?

Miki: Well.. I believe that when someone does a bad thing, they always have some kind of reason to do it.

Miki: Even when they think they don't have it.

Miki: Because.. If everything was fine, if they had nothing to worry about and if they had no problems at all, why would they go this far? Why would they do something so horrible?

Miki: And even if it's "just for fun", it probably just means that maybe there's something wrong with their mental state or the way they see the world.

Miki: So.. Even if you're someone who probably deserves to be punished, I still want to understand you.

Reina: .. Huh.

Reina: *laughs*

Reina: You sure are funny.

Reina: Sorry, but again, I really don't think I had a reason to do all those things.

Reina: My life was perfect. I wouldn't say I come from a rich family, but we certainly had a lot of money. Both of my parents are alive and well. I have a lot of friends and all of them love me and see me as their leader.

Reina: So like, I don't really have a sad backstory or anything like that.

Eiji: .. Hey.

Eiji: When did you start committing all these crimes? And why?

Reina: Ohhh, that's a nice question, Guard-san! Let me think..

Reina: Hm.. I think I was like 16 or something? I just thought that stealing something from an annoying old lady would be funny.

Eiji: I see. And what did you do with that thing?

Reina: It was a pretty expensive necklace and I gave it to my mom as a birthday gift. I forgot to get something for her, so I thought it would be perfect. And I was right.

Reina: She had no idea where I got the money to buy it, so she just assumed I picked it for her and my dad bought it. He also forgot to get a gift for her, so he played along, but he did yell at me after that.

Reina: So ungrateful..

Miki: So you did have a reason to do it.

Reina: What do you mean? I just told you that I did it for fun! I didn't have any reason-

Miki: You said you found that old lady annoying, right? Did she do something bad to annoy you?

Reina: .. I guess she just didn't like kids. She hated seeing me and my little brother play together, so..

Miki: See? You did have a reason to steal something from her, Himura-san. You didn't just do it because you thought it would be "funny".

Miki: You got mad at that old woman and you stole that necklace from her. It's like.. you tried to "protect yourself" from her in some way? Maybe your little brother too.

Reina: ...

Reina: Haha.. Wow, you really should become a therapist.

Miki: Um, is that a compliment?..

Miki: Oh, by the way, what was your relationship with your little brother like? I'm assuming you two got along well, since your life was so great and-

Reina: Oops, sorry, can't tell you! I've said that I will answer any of your questions, but a cool criminal always has to have at least some secrets~

Eiji: Now you're acting even more suspicious.

Eiji: Okay, fine, if you're a serial killer, describe all of your murders right now. I'm listening.

Reina: Huh? What's with the sudden change of topic?

Eiji: I'm waiting, Reina.

Reina: Uh, f-fine! Let's see..

Reina: Okay, I think I committed my first murder when I was 17? Yeah, I think it was my classmate. Haha, I hated her so much..

Miki: .. Himura-san, I'm sorry, but the way you talk about your crimes is very strange to me.

Reina: What do you mean by that, Miki-chan?

Miki: U-um, actually, I'm also a guard, so-

Reina: Haha, I know, I know, sorry. You're just very cute, that's all.

Eiji: "That's like.. the second prisoner in a row. What's with them complimenting her all of a sudden?"

Eiji: "They're just trying to make her vote them innocent, aren't they?"

Miki: Well.. You talk about them like you don't remember them that well.

Miki: I can understand talking like that about minor crimes, but murders..

Reina: When you're a serial killer like me, you eventually stop counting and caring about your victims.

Reina: Of course, I don't remember most of my murders now.

Miki: !

Miki: This is it!

Miki: Himura-san, if you don't care about how many murders you've committed, then why do you keep mentioning how dangerous and scary you are?

Miki: Why do you keep saying that we should vote you guilty if you don't even care about your crimes?

Miki: I'll take Chiba-san as an example. She wanted us to vote her guilty because she was tired of people saying that her crime was "a good thing".

Miki: And most prisoners here want us to vote them innocent because they care about their crimes. They either know that they've done something wrong, but they're too scared of the consequences, or they think that they were in the right and they refuse to admit that they've done something bad.

Miki: If you don't even care about your crimes, then surely you won't mind us voting you innocent, right? I mean, those crimes don't even matter to you..

Reina: ...

Eiji: .. You've got nothing to say, huh?

Miki: That means you do care about your crimes, Himura-san. You probably care about them most than any other prisoners care about their own murders.

Miki: I just.. I can't believe that you can walk around and call yourself a murderer so proudly, but also refuse to talk about your murders whenever someone asks you about them. Or you just try to come up with something right after hearing the question.

Miki: If you've committed so many crimes and you've been killing people since you were only 17 years old, then why did they make you come to Milgram only now?

Reina: ...

Miki: Say something now, Himura-san. Please.

Reina: .. Wow, you sure are smart!

Miki: I MEANT "SAY SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR CRIMES"!

Miki: ...

Miki: .. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I'm so-

Eiji: It's okay, Guard 002. Good job.

Eiji: Let me handle this.

Eiji: (to Reina) So, do you have anything to say about your last victim? You know, maybe that last murder of yours will help us figure out why you're here.

Reina: .. Haha, sure!

Reina: Let me think-

Eiji: Stop thinking, Prisoner 010. Just say it. Just tell us the truth.

Eiji: Stop trying to evade the question.

Reina: It was a kid.

Miki: .. What?

Reina: Oh, sorry, he wasn't as young as Asahi-kun.

Reina: He was fifteen, actually.

Reina: And I killed him! I killed him just because this is how cruel I am!

Eiji: Give us more details. How did it happen?

Reina: .. I think this should be enough though.

Reina: Like, come on, Guard-san, I literally told you that I killed a child! Do it, vote me guilty!

Reina: This is such an easy decision, you don't even have to think twice about it!

Reina: So go on and do it! Do it!

(bell rings, machinery sounds)

Eiji: .. You're the last prisoner we're interrogating, by the way.

Reina: Ehehe, well, I hope you still have some energy left. You also have to watch my video, right?

Reina: So please make sure to watch it closely~ You will see all the horrible crimes I've committed.. I'm so excited!

Miki: .. If you really were so excited, you would just tell us everything right now.

Reina: Um.. Well, where's the fun in that?

Reina: It's your job to figure out what actually happened! So I trust you will do the right decision.

Reina: .. You will vote me guilty, right?

Eiji: Who knows.

Reina: Huh?

Reina: But.. Guard-san, aren't you the one who's obsessed with punishing criminals and all that?

Reina: Look at me! Look at me, I'm the worst murderer here! I definitely deserve to-

Eiji: Maybe the best punishment for you would be being voted innocent and living with the knowledge that you've done something wrong and you can't go back.

Eiji: Miki, how about you try saying the line this time?

Eiji: I'm a little tired of it, to be honest.

Miki: Um.. O-okay!

Miki: Prisoner 010, Reina, sing your sins!

═════════•°• ⚠ •°•═════════

#at least we have some info about her victim now :'D #ALSO YAY THE GUARDS ARE GETTING CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. EVEN EIJI DOES #don't worry he still hates all prisoners and wants them dead <3 #also i just wanted this vd to really feel like.. the last one. like eiji finally agrees that maybe they should vote someone innocent #(even if it's only as a punishment) and miki is the one who says “sing your sins” this time #🎤 voice dramas! 🎤#🗡️guard 001: sanada eiji 🗡️#🌼guard 002: andou miki 🌼#🎭prisoner 010: himura reina🎭#milgram #milgram oc #milgram project

16 notes · View notes

haptureratch · 4 months

Text

I made it through the day and I am exhausted.

Like clockwork, Mom came to check in on me and I knew I wouldn't be able to hide my anguish in just a few seconds. No sense in brushing it off either because I did want to express myself to someone. So I turned to her and showed her my face, and I told her what was wrong. When you tell one parent you always hope it will get passed on to the other. And maybe she did tell him. Or maybe he heard my choked and broken words escape under the doorway and down softly through the two-story living room.

He thanked me twice for being there. Once with a kiss and a hug inside the funeral parlor. Once as we were driving off the property to have drinks and blow off some steam with the family. And he also announced that the 'bad energy' between his sisters did not happen, which he had been so worried about.

It's not direct reassurance. I don't think I'll ever get that from him. But it was enough to soothe away my anxieties about not being good enough. I was able to stop thinking something was my fault.

Now follows a series of glimpses throughout the last two days in the memory: - they had all aged so much. How long had it been since I'd been up there? Only aunt Bridget and uncle John looked mostly untouched by the time. Everyone else was so...delicate. Aunt Barb with lighter hair and thinner skin and more wrinkles around her piercing blue eyes. I got caught in the severity of her gaze when I saw her that first time, and she paused waiting like I was going to say something. I didn't have much to offer. Her, or anyone else-- the number of times I blurted out "I'm doing good, how are you?" in answer to a family member asking "How are you doing?" because it's what I'm used to saying at work-- very yikes, especially aunt Marsha. Oh, aunt Marsha. The white framing her face. Aside from that I was happy to find she looked the same. Aunt Kim, so stunning with bluntly cut shoulder-length hair finally undyed finally fully gray. It suited her. Very slim now too. She looked so chic. But when Mom brought up her depression I got so sad for her. I can imagine the loss of her own Mom eating away at her. I want to go to her now and look her in the eyes while I tell her she has a kindred spirit. But I can't. I'll never be as open with people as I want. Except Rilley. And I hope Steven stays an exception for a long, long time. - Tara. The loss of her husband drew lifetimes across her face. Again, I felt sad for her when Mom revealed she's been diagnosed with MS. - Ryanne. I held her in my arms for so long at the gravesite. I knew this hit her harder than me. And the whole time at the funeral she was begging for people to play with her, anyone, distract laugh please. So small. As small as me, both of us eaten alive our whole lives by our respective mental states. Her hazel eyes were so wide at times, almost with terror. And she said something like, 'That's the thing with our whole family, we are all just trying to make it.' She and Kelsey and I bonded over dissociative episodes at the funeral. - Literally everyone else there. Some looked alright. But so many looked battered by time. - Jan, so sweet. I'm so happy Mac and Morgan grew up around her and Tony. The spunk. She is a lovely woman. Why did I not know these things before. - It killed me to think that this was the row of family on the tree that was next. This is the generation that will be dying. In how many years? - "I can't keep doing this," sobbed aunt Marsha. Her father, her husband, how many dogs, her son-in-law. I would protect you from the thiefs the rest of my days if I could. - The pinnacle for me was walking up with Dad (and Mom) for the final goodbye. It wasn't at all for me to say goodbye to Mimi. It was fully for him. And I held him as tightly as I could from one side, Mom from his other side, as he broke all the way down and sobbed on his knees at the open casket of his dead mother. I broke for him. I hated to see him in such grief. But I'm glad I had the strength to follow him into it and cry with him and hold him tight. I hope he felt me. - Mimi. Poor Mimi. I saw her the smallest she's ever been (a theme, I guess). Peaceful but mouth drawn over her face unnaturally. I had thought it was a poor job of the coroner and felt distain for their lack of skill, but aunt Barb commented that it was an issue with her teeth. I said a Hail Mary, touched her necklace (which aunt Kim put around her own neck at the end), her hand, the crown of her head. And with these minute gestures in my inner world I honored her passing and let her go.

2 notes · View notes

jedi-bird · 4 months

Text

You know what? Since I'm procrastinating going to sleep and this memory popped into my head, it's story time.

A long time ago, I made a joke that reading fanfic saved my life. Only it really wasn't a joke. I meant it to be, just so no one would worry about me. But in reality, it was very much the truth.

After my mom died, I didn't know how to cope. I wasn't allowed to openly mourn ("think of your grandfather," family would say, scolding me, "he lost his daughter, which is much worse than you losing your mom.") I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about it, except for my partner (later spouse who is still just as awesome and wonderful as they were then). I wasn't given any time to come to terms with anything. I was a full time caretaker for my grandfather. I just kind of existed in a state of numbness and bad thoughts.

Add to that having to deal with my stepfather again for the first time in years. Between him blaming me for her dying and him trying to convince me to move in with him and be his new wife, I didn't want to be here anymore.

At the time, I had very few friends with similar interests to me. But I had seen a few pics of characters I liked pop up on social media and I decided one night while unable to sleep to go looking online. It was the first time I had actual access to the internet too, so it felt like a sign. I wasn't on tumblr yet, but I did find it and lurked for a while back before you needed an account.

Then I found ao3. I can't describe the feeling that first click brought forth.

At the time, it was summer and our air conditioner was broken. We had no money, so I would sleep with my window partway open. Because of the cost cutting measures my grandpa took when having them installed when I was a kid, they only opened about three inches. Now, unless you walked right up to my window, you wouldn't know it was open; the seam was low enough that the opening wasn't visible. And my room was in the front of the house so I would know immediately if anyone came up; I could hear everything out there and was a light sleeper at the time because of being a caretaker.

My stepfather, who turned into a stalker for a few years, would drive down to our house in the middle of time night. How do I know? He let it slip once while berating me for my mom yet again. But also, I knew what his car sounded like. I lived in fear of it, because next he would walk around the corner where my room was and try to peek in the windows (I had blackout curtains nailed to the frame so that was impossible). And once he realized my window was partly open, he'd sometimes whisper my name. So here I'd be, laying a dark room, trying to ignore him, trying to pretend I was asleep. I knew he couldn't get in. And yes, I should have called the police. But years of abuse and mental and emotional beatdowns made me think I wasn't allowed to.

The third time this happened, while I was quietly having a panic attack, I remembered ao3. And since my phone didn't produce enough light to be seen through the curtain, I would pop in some earplugs and just read until the sun came to. Because once it got close to morning he'd leave so the neighbors wouldn't become suspicious.

I didn't sleep much that year. But I read a ton. Most of those fics I can't find anymore and sometimes I'm sad about that. But they also did their job and kept me going. They sparked an obsession and reminded me just how much I used to love writing. I started pulling out notebooks again and writing in spare moments. I read voraciously anything with my favorite characters in it. I learned what I did and didn't like in fiction. I joined tumblr and ao3 within the same week and never looked back.

Fandom, though I don't interact with much of it, kept me alive. Fanfic saved my life with distractions and entertainment. It still keeps me going, though I don't read as much as I used to (time makes it hard some weeks, since I'm always busy lately). I'm no longer in the same place and my stalker no longer tries to contact me; and even if they did, they wouldn't be able to get to our house. I still love the same characters that got me through that darkness. I still feel a sense of comfort reading fics about them. Life is better. Not perfect and definitely a struggle sometimes, but I'm here and I will keep being here.

And that's all that matters.

#birdy's story time #mentions of death and thoughts of suicide and stalking #read with caution if these are upsetting

1 note · View note

geminai-rambling-trinkets · 11 months

Text

NAGA AU!

I AM BACK WITH MORE NAGA AU!!

WARNINGS!! DEMON SLAYER SPOILERS!!! ANGST!!!

Anyways! These few plot points are settled in the final arc and are inspire by a TikTok that said "Characters that have had their plus ultra moments in the final arc."

Here's the link: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8RrdRJ4/

Now the Plot Points!

During the final war arc, I was heavily thinking because in this AU Izuku isn't the successor to One For All (I know I said he did in my last ramble of this AU which was by accident and I fixed it(!)) he's just a descendant of All For One.

There will be a battle between ancestor vs predecessor where Izuku will go Plus Ultra and beyond to get the win against All For One.

You can see again the tags that I'm making references to demon slayer there are two main things I'm taking from KnY.

One) The blowing up tactic that Ubuyashiki has done to slow down Muzan. (Also like Lady Nagant, if I spelled her name right)

Two) Ancestor vs predecessor, Kokoshibo (Michikatsu) vs Muichiro.

Now I already mentioned the second reference but the first reference comes at the end where Izuku is grinning manically to his ancestor. He yells and goes into detail about how the 'Shigaraki name was bastardized by his own hands and that the only family he ever had will forever turn their backs to him because no one will ever forgive him. He killed them,' and as in irony Izuku hugs All For One and blows up bringing both of them down.

We get an inter monologue of what Izuku dreamt of having in life here's that monologue:

I always dreamt of protecting everyone, give them a smile, and be a symbol of hope. A hero is what I always wanted to be. Now, I can smile again and bring everlasting hope that heroes can win... I'm sorry mother, I'm sorry I lied for so long, I was scared of seeing you sad and depressed. It never crossed my mind that perhaps it would've given you closure or something of that. Now not only are the news of your husband's death will pass but also your son's as well. I'm sorry Kōta, Eri, friends, and snakelets... This might be the last time I'll see you ever again but I won't say I regret doing what I did.

You all deserve a peaceful life. One, where my blood and name don't colour your world in fear, I'm sorry I couldn't protect you all back then but I can protect you now. The Shigaraki name will die with me if that's the last thing I'll ever do. May we all become the best we can be and if I do make it out of this alive... I hope to smile as bright as the kid I once was because this time... There's only one Shigaraki left... and that's me.

During the final war arc it's only Izuku battling, he stationed a majority of his snakelets with other heroes to help in battle and two, a new baby naga, and the 'youngest' stationed with his mother to keep her safe and break her the news of what's to come.

Guardian Entity is my subconscious mirroring One for All because there used to be six snakelets, one adult naga, and Izuku himself! Which makes eight, the newest naga, is a baby making nine in total. I'm referencing the OG cannon where Izuku is the ninth user of One for All and damnit does it hurt!

I also thought about this other detail which I'm starting to like more, which is Izuku being almost identical to All for One's child.

It sounds like what it means, Izuku remains All for One of the child he raised and killed after realizing even his own child will defy him and try to stop him. His child almost looks like Izuku, minus the green in Izuku's hair and eyes, and acts like him.

When facing off, Izuku finally reveals about his relationship to him, and why when All for One makes a comment about his similarities to Izuku, Izuku states that 'he's related to a bastard like him.'

It's throughout their battle that All for One sees their similarities but it hits home when Izuku grins and looks down on him that All for One is remained of his child. His kin.

And when he's dies All for One is faced with not only his son but his grandson and his descendants. They all look down at him and all but two turn their backs and walk into the light. The two being his son and Shigaraki Hisashi his descendant.

The child looks melancholy because this is how low their father went and before All for One can say anything, if he can even, his child says something, "He's right you know? You bastardized your own name... I hope in our next life... We can get a chance to be a family again, father." His child says sadly as they stand next to Hisashi.

Who has yet to say anything other than stare at his predecessor.

He finally speaks after a long wait and what he says next are the final words of the dead, "You are my ancestor and I feel nothing but shame knowing I was related to you. I hope hell brings forth the pain and suffering you've put us through. I'm Shigaraki Hisashi but that name means nothing when my son is Midoriya Izuku. Your descendant and my son."

Izuku's status of whether he's alive or dead remains to be unknown but the only thing I know is that the baby naga and the youngest naga are still alive. Even if they are part of Izuku's quirk, it leaves a chance of Izuku perhaps making it out alive. But who knows! Because certainly I don't know.

Anyways, that's what I have for the Naga AU! I'm still sketching Izuku in this AU and I don't know when I'll post it but I will post it!

Bye-Bye for now!

#naga au #izuku midoriya #inko midoriya #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #demon slayer reference #references #demon slayer spoilers #all for one #hisashi midoriya #unnamed characters #one for all reference

4 notes · View notes

silvertsundere · 11 months

Text

Silver Talks AniManga (16/07/23)

wow actually on time for once impressive myself, a p chill week, tho I wanna catch up to something again soon, only got a couple more series to do before I fulfill my goal of being caught with everything on jump and then I can start branching out to other stuff I've had an eye on for a while but anyway

blue - finale/completed

Anime

Pokemon Horizons Ep13

after 2 weeks of absence the pokemon anime is finally back, tho this one was kinda like a recap episode for half of it while the cast had a picnic. they teased the possibility of roy catching a new mon next ep but we'll see how that goes since riko isn't getting one too for the new few episodes (based on the revealed titles)

Atelier Ryza Ep3

a cute episode overall, centered around ryza using her alchemy to help people around the island now. also greatly enjoy all the ryza x klaudia food, just for me 🙏 also, when they had that magical girl transformation esque scene for when she crafted last ep I was like "that looked way too good for them to not reuse it" and they did, just significantly shortened so lol

Zom 100 Ep2

good ep, I was worried abou them being able to keep up the quality from ep 1 but even if we didn't get any fancy sakuga this time the quality was still good. the new girl is cute and kusunoki tomori did a good job as her. next ep is the mc's friend which I assume is the blonde guy from the op/ed (and that I think was cameo'd on a photo near the start of the ep), and the next ep will be the samurai girl? haven't read the manga so completely blind

Manga

Saihate Quartet Ch18 (Finale)

honestly only started reading this cause I wanted to post the tokusatsu reference panels and I'd feel bad doing it without actually reading it, and also cause it landed on a not very busy day. it was alright tho, it's a comedy so it's very "you either like it or don't", the concept is p fun but shallow, more suited for something like a oneshot I think, I don't regret reading it tho, it had it's moments

Dandadan Ch113

the climactic finale to the big alien invasion team battle, maybe anyway good chap, that flashback page with the cute okarun momo moments was good and it also had 2 of yukinobu's signature "how can this series be weekly" spreads

The Ichinose Family's Deadly Sins Ch33

they spent all this time skirting around the older brother's story, taking many detours along the way for other stuff. this chap they finally revealed the final piece, he was the one that saved them from dying in that one car crash that put tsubasa in a coma, dying in the process himself.. only for it to be revealed a couple pages later that he's still alive??? I really don't understand what the hell ichinose is doing, really is a sad state of affairs when this can go into the 30s when better stuff gets axed way earlier

Blue Box Ch109

lots of cute chinatsu faces in this chap and finally saw hina again after what feels like a billion years. hype for the next chap tho should be getting some very cute scenes 👀

Cipher Academy Ch32

the final match of this tournament arc is finally here and it's.. a game of that of all things? I was wondering how the hell they were gonna incorporate codes into that but they did it in a way that makes sense looking forward to how this goes

Martial Master Asumi Ch5

very cool chap, letting nito show off how strong he can really be when he's not holding back for some reason tho he's totally gonna get clapped next chap

Sakamoto Days Ch127

the first of the slur fights is over and it was really good. good guys ended up losing as I expected but at least they managed to really fuck up the girl which should make things easier in the future, tho I'm hoping heisuke is the one to take her down as payback for this fight

Undead Unluck Ch167

woulda liked to see more from this fight but it was good anyway, even got feng's backstory and the reveal that he's a negator too tho I figured that'd have to be the case. curious to see who the next member is gonna be since we're still missing quite a few

My Hero Academia Ch394

the longest fight in the whole manga is finally over sheeesh not in terms of raw chapters amount but when it started vs when it ended cause it had a ton of stuff in between, it was good tho. not much more left now, I think just all might and AFO and the deku fights are left? getting closer and closer to the end OH today was also the 9th anniversary celebration colour page, I wouldn't be surprised if they had horikoshi keep this going til the 10th anni just so they can do special merch for tha occasion but we'll see

Akane-banashi Ch70

incredibly good chap, don't really got much more I could say than that, just wow, god akane is sooooooo good. anyway now that akane's performance is done I'm p sure my previous prediction about the placements is gonna be true but ofc I still want her to win instead

#silver talks animanga

2 notes · View notes

witheringvoice · 2 years

Text

Grief - A Poem

Before I get into this, I decided to play my moody mix on Spotify to write this poem, right? WHY THE FUCK DID MASK PLAY???? It's so funny but still makes me want to cry---I don't get life sometimes...

TW: Mentions of attempted suicide, mentions of suicide, mentions of sh, mentions of deaths, funerals, mentions of cancer, mentions of guns, mentions of alcohol and pills, etc

I've never truly been able to experience it.

You see, family of mine has died.

Ones that I was very close to.

When I was little.

When my great grandfather died when I was in second grade.

He died of cancer.

When I was little, I was really close to him.

I know I was.

But in second grade, I barely recalled those memories.

I went to his funeral, and I even saw him.

I don't remember what he looked like.

But I didn't feel much.

Two years later I stared at the clouds and cried for him.

I don't know why, to this day.

The rain fell that day.

September 2017, beginning of fourth grade.

Someone who could've become my father.

Shot himself.

He wasn't in the right state of mind.

Anti-depressants and alcohol don't mix well.

That night, that early morning of the 17th.

Was traumatic.

Though, I only heard about him doing so on the radio.

We were in a cop car.

I did cry, I did feel broken.

But quickly I put on a happy front.

I told people about the incident.

I was trying to make myself know it was real I think.

But I must've seemed so apathetic.

I'm still not over that, but I don't think of it much.

During September, around the 16th and 17th, I get upset.

Last year, I think.

Seventh grade, 2021.

My great grandma died.

A heart attack.

A different side of the family.

My grandmother's side, not my grandfather's.

I barely remembered her.

I remember the walk to her place.

I slightly remember the old folk's home.

I remember the smell.

I remember rice crispies.

I don't remember her well.

I didn't feel much, toward her death.

But I know it affected me.

Why didn't I cry for her?

My sister attempted suicide multiple times.

It hurt, I never took it well.

I lashed out at her.

I will never forgive myself for that.

But she isn't dead yet, I'll make up for it.

Technoblade died of cancer.

It hurt, but it didn't.

I felt sorrow, I broke down, I cried.

A depressive episode was triggered.

I drew something to pay respects.

But I didn't truly know him.

Even so, I still cared for him.

Because he helped me when I was sad and lost.

Did I grieve then?

Am I still?

It still makes me sad sometimes.

But at the same time, it doesn't.

Is that bad?

One of my best friends, his friend died recently.

Suicide, how do I help him?

I don't know what it truly feels like.

I have no words that can help him.

But I want to, even if it's useless.

Today he messaged me out of the blue.

"I'm sorry."

My heart stopped, tears pooled in my eyes.

Is this it?

I started grieving like I lost him.

What if he did something?

I'd never be mad, never disappointed, just hurt.

Without him, I'd feel so lost.

He relapsed, he cut again.

Relief and sorrow rushed over me at once.

I did my best, my useless words.

I love him, my best friend.

If he died, I would never forgive myself.

I'd forgive him immediately.

Why do I still feel like I've lost something?

He's alive and well, he's okay.

I'm okay, everything is okay.

What will happen the day I need to do it?

I've gotten close for family pets, for people I barely knew, for family, for people who inspired me.

But when the time comes, I know I won't know how.

I don't understand it, after all.

Grief.

#poem #vent post #poetry #tw vent #depressing shit

3 notes · View notes

aikasjournal · 6 months

Text

Journal #9 - Dec 1, 2023

Omg it's December! Where have all the months gone? I have not written anything at all since what August?

August, September, October, November... Four months of going through the motions. There were incredibly rough times this year, especially with Jed and I. Our fights got uglier and uglier by the day. And we were bad fighters to begin with. Even to this day, we are still trying to improve ourselves, to be less reactive and more patient with each other. Ohhh the ugly fights.

I went to a legitimate therapist this year. An expensive therapist, hoping maybe some magic would happen and I would heal myself from sad bad sad bad days. There was just a lot on my plate and I felt mostly lonely and alone through it all.

My number one woe this year was the lack of friendship, female friendship in particular. To go through motherhood with not much to share it with or to talk to on immediately, on-hand, right by my side was probably the hardest thing (aside from Noa's babyhood). Even up to now I'm still mostly by myself. The only regular person I could talk to about motherhood (and know she's not too bored about it) is Mary Ann. Apart from that, people have moved on. It's like if you don't have an office or immediate family nearby, it's just you and your husband. No wonder it put a lot of strain in our marriage.

I always long to have my mama nearby. She's in the States, along with my two sisters. My sister has two young children of her own, Alaiya and Kayson, and I always dream about them being nearby. Oh what fun we'd have, Sundays and holidays spent in chaos with the kids. Alas they're not here and I don't really have any other close relatives I could count on. And as luck would have it, so is Jed's family. They're all in the states.

It seems like I lost the ability (a little bit) to be positive. I have turned into a very negative person this year, which sucked. I always focused on what's wrong and what could go wrong. It was a very unpretty mindset.

I think it started to get a little bit better when Noa began to sleep through the night and I finally had the chance to stretch my sleep to more than 3 hours. Gosh that's also one more thing that made me so miserable. The lack of sleep. Once I was able to afford some shuteye, I began working out again. Very very slowly. Just long walks. And then back to my yoga routine. Very slowly. Very deliberately.

These days, Noa is incredibly talkative, though we hardly understand what she says. But she does mimic us when we ask her to say some words, and best of all we have heard her say real words like daddy, mama, baby, bubbles, elmo, byebye, and well, pepe lol.

I'm still a tad overweight and scared to know what my cholesterol levels are. I have failed to read any book at all this year. I'm still exhausted at night time most days.

Still I'm very grateful to be here, to witness Noa's development, to love her, to be with her. I should do the same for Jed, as we are both tired and exhausted and needing extra compassion and love tbh.

We'll celebrate our anniversary soon on the 8th (also Sam's birthday).

As always I pray for good health for me and my loved ones. To be healthy, safe, alive, and living the best life we could.

Ohhh I forgot, we are in the process of moving to Jed's house in Novaliches next year. We're currently renovating the house courtesy of his parents. It's something to look forward to. :)

0 notes

braveparanoiac · 8 months

Note

There's a voice-mail from his mother: Hey sweetheart, why don't you give us a call sometime? I know you're busy with your studies but your father and I miss you. You're making us proud, Stanford Pines. -click-

Almost all day and night, the answering machine was left untouched. The whole day and half of the night was spent couped up with books and piles and piles of notes, up until his body said he couldn't keep on going, making him pass out...

...until the next morning, when his eyes immediately shot open and his body jolted upwards upon faintly hearing his alarm clock go off from his bedroom. There are a few clinks and thuds as his books and glasses fall off of himself and towards the ground. ...Morning. It's morning. I... must've passed out...again. ...Where did my glasses go?

After a few moments of his hands feeling about the dirty wooden floors, he felt something being pushed under his fingers, clackering softly. There they are. Just slip those on and... there we go!

He rises to his feet, adjusting them as he sees his vision behind his lens focus. Better. ...Still groggy, though. Looks like breakfast might be at the diner again, if only for the coffee. Should just need to pick up his boots from the entryway - he's already dressed in yesterday's sweater vest and button-up, after all. Fresh clothes are a waste of time, much like sleep. First things first, though, is turning off that clock. Footsteps echoed in the large house as he went to his bedroom, the beeping getting louder and louder until he entered the room and - click! There. No more annoying beeping. Now to just nab his boots and head out for the da-

...He pauses at the flickering light from the corner of his eye before he gets into the next room, freezing in place. The answering machine? ...There's only one person that bothers to leave a message. It'd be a waste of time to check it and call back, but... ...

He approaches the machine, flicking a button. As expected - it's Ma's voice on the other end. He's not sure if he's happy to hear her voice again, or upset with himself that he hasn't bothered to really contact anybody since coming out to Oregon. ...Maybe I should call. At least let her know I am still alive. She's... worried. Understandably Sad, without a doubt. ...Pa misses me? Really? Suppose she would know best if he did or not. The machine clicks - the sound the voicemail was earlier. On top of everything, they're proud of him. It's something he hears a lot from them. They very well may always be proud. ...Their pride isn't what he wants anymore. One day anyone that has made a mockery of him will learn to regret it. They'll turn around and finally praise his name.

...He was foolish to think he should've wasted time getting to town. He just... needs the time to wake up. Yes, that's right. He doesn't get rid of the message on the answering machine - it was a good reminder that his work still isn't done. He is busy. He'll go back the moment he finally reaches the stars, among the other legends. Few people know he's great. It'll be the whole world one day, so long as he keeps at it. Every lost minute of sleep and skipped meal, every missed family gathering and chances to speak with old friends... It's all a waste of time. There's research to get done. There's a whole forest he has to explore and uncover the secrets of. I will be the brilliant mind that reveals every last secret this town has to offer. My Muse has stated as such. He'd agree too that attachments are a waste of time. They are ultimately useless. Once greatness is achieved, then... perhaps he can see about finally making that call. Until then... Stanford's going to nab his boots and his second journal, and step out into the wilderness. There's work to do. He'll get it done as soon as he feasibly can.

#the answer is still unknown(asks)#verse: bring about great change #overcastmuses #tw long post #ask to tag

1 note · View note

shesey · 10 months

Text

Excerpts from The Summer Without Men by Siri Hustvedt

What IS does not HAVE TO BE

I had to get out of the apartment because being there hurt. The rooms and furniture, the sounds from the street, the light that shone into my study, the toothbrushes in the small rack, the bedroom closet with its missing knob-- each had becomes like a bone that ached, a joint or rib or vertebrae in an articulated anatomy of shared memory, and each familiar thing, leaden with the accumulated meanings of time, seemed to weigh in my own bod, and I found I could not bear them.

Some people just take the room they need, elbowing out intruders to take possession of a space.

Loss A known absence If you did not know it, It would be nothing, which it is, of course a nothing of another kind, as acutely felt as a blister, but a tumult, too, in the region of the heart and lungs, an emptiness with a name: You.

Insanity is a state of profound self-absorption. An extreme effort is required just to keep track of one's self, and the turn toward wellness happens the moment a bit of the world is allowed back in, when a person or thing passes through the gate.

But it was my mother herself who I had come home to. There is no living without a ground, without a sense of space that is not only external but internal -- mental loci. For me, madness had been suspension. When Boris abruptly took his body and his voice away, I began to float. Blowing up is not the same as breaking down, and as we've said before, even breaking down can have its purpose, its meanings. You held yourself together for a long time, but tolerating cracks is part of being well and alive.

We find ourselves in the faces of others, and so for a time every mirror reflected a foreigner, a despised outsider unworthy of being alive.

Indifference was the cure, but I couldn't find it in myself. The actual cure was escape. It is impossible to divine a story while you are living it; it is shsapeless; an inchoate procession of words and things, and let us be frank: We never recover what was. Most of it vanishes.

Nothing is repeated exactly, even words, because something has changed in the speaker and in the listener, because once said and then said again and again, the repetition itself alters the words.

Then I said that sometimes a small thing, even a bit of debris, can come to signify a whole world of feeling.

Had I been clinging to an idea of wretchedness while I was secretly enjoying myself?

You think if your anger had power, paternal power, you could shape things in your life more to your liking.

Is it perhaps that you felt your father's emotions had power in the family, power over your mother, your sister, and you, and you were always stepping around his feelings, trying not to upset him. And you've felt the same thing in your marriage, perhaps you've reproduced the same story, and all the while you've gotten angrier and angrier?

I never thought it was right to turn people into paragons of virtue after their deaths either.

Rejection accumulates.

After all, dear reader, I ask you how many men have thanked their wives for this or that service.

Widowers marry again because it makes their lives easier. Widows often don't, because it makes their lives harder.

Hypersensitivity to the atmospheric nuances around the table.

Perception is never passive. We are not only receivers of the world; we also actively produce it.

Shorn of intimacy and seen from a considerable distance, we are all comic characters, farcical buffoons who bumble through our lives, making fine messes as we go, but when you get close, the ridiculous quickly fades into the sordid or the tragic or the merely sad... the merely sad business about me was that I wanted to be admired.

I wondered why I wanted him myself. Had Boris left me after two years or even ten, the damage would have been considerably less. Thirty years is a long time, and a marriage acquires an ingrown, almost incestuous quality, with complex rhythms of feeling, dialogue, and associations. We had come to the point where listening to a story or anecdote at a dinner party would simultaneously prompt the same thought in our two heads, and it was simply a matter of which one of us would articulate it aloud.

I will write myself elsewhere, I thought, reinvent the story in a new light. I am better off without him. Did he ever do a domestic chore in his life besides the dishes? Did he or did he not tune you out regularly as if you were a radio? Did he not interrupt you in mid-sentence countless times as if you were an airy nothing, a Ms. Nobody, a Missing Person at the table? Are you not "still beautiful" in the words of your mother? Are you not still capable of great things?

She was right. We cannot wish our worlds into being. Much depends on chance, on what we can't control, on others.

I meditated for a moment on the imaginary and the real, on wish fulfillment, on fantasy, on stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. The fictive is an enormous territory, it turns out, its boundaries vague, and there is little certainty about where it beings and ends. We chart delusions through collective agreement. The man who believes he's emitting toxic rays while nobody around him seems to be the least bit affected can be safely said to be suffering from one pathology or another and put away in a locked ward. But let us say that same man's fantasy is so vivid, it affects his neighbor, who then begins to suffer from headaches and vomiting spells, and a contagious hysteria ensues, and the whole town retching -- isn't there some AMBIGUITY here? The vomit is real.

There are times when the fragility of all living things is so apparent that one begins to wait for a shock, a fall, or a break at any moment.

There is no future without a past because what is to be cannot be imagined except as a form of repetition. I had begun to expect calamities.

Yes, it would have been nice if he had been a little different, but he wasn't, and there were so many good days along with the bad days and sometimes the very thing I wanted to change about him one day was the thing that made another thing possible another day that was good, mot bad, if you see what I mean.

It is wrong that it has become prevalent through custom that these changes are called growth and diminution. It would be appropriate that they should instead be called creation and destruction, because they oust a thing from its established character into a different one, whereas growth and diminution happen to a body that underlies the change and remains throughout it.

When I was mad, was I myself or not myself? When does one person become another?

Not telling is as interesting as telling, I have found. Why speech, that short verbal journey from inside to outside, can be so excruciating under certain circumstances is fascinating.

The lesson here is that extreme relaxation promotes pleasure and extreme relaxation is a state of nearly complete openness to whatever comes along. It is also thoughtlessness.

And who is to measure suffering? Which one of you will calculate the magnitude of pain to be found inside a human being at any given moment.

I thought of her mother; it is worse to have a cruel child than one whose vulnerability allows attack.

Having little to divert attention or diversify thought, they find themselves uneasy when they are apart, and therefore conclude that they shall be happy together.

This is not the voluntary blindness of new attraction; it is the blindness of an intimacy wrought from years of parallel living, both from its bruises and its balms.

Commentary: the instruments of darkness tell us truths. What are they? Boys will be boys: rambunctious, wild, kicking, hanging from the trees. But girls will be girls? Gentle, nurturing, sweet, passive, conniving, stealthy, mean?

If I were carrying my reproductive organs on the outside, I'd be pretty damned nervous about that delicate little package, too.

Maybe that was my problem. I read too much, and my brain exploded.

It is not that there is no difference between men and women; it is how much difference that difference makes, and how we choose to frame it. Every era has its science of difference and sameness, its biology, its ideology, and its ideological biology, which brings us, at last, back to the naughty girls, their escapades, and the instruments of darkness.

The entire letter turns on three sentences: It has been a black period for me. I even called bob. I have missed you.

If a man opens a novel, he likes to have a masculine name on the cover; it's reassuring somehow. You never know what might happen to that external genitalia if you immerse yourself in imaginary doings concocted by someone with the goods on the inside.

A book is a collaboration between the one who reads and what is read and, at its best, that coming together is a love story like any other.

Yes, we (women) certainly do not forget you so soon as you forget us. It is, perhaps, our fate rather than our merit. We live at home, quiet, confined, and our feelings prey upon us. You are forced on exertion. You have always a profession, pursuits, business of some sort or other, to take you back into the world immediately and continual occupation and change soon weaken impressions.

For months, I had drowned in anger and grief, but over the summer my mind had unconsciously, incrementally begun to change. Dr. S had seen it. Reading Daisy's letter, I felt those subliminal, not yet articulated thoughts rise upward, form sentences, and lodge themselves securely somewhere between my temples: Some part of me had been getting used to the idea that Boris was gone forever. No one could have been more shocked than I by this revelation.

After all, we, none of us, can ever untangle the knot of fictions that make up that wobbly thing we call a self.

But there is nowhere for us to go, nowhere in the world because no one will have us as we are, and there is nothing to do except to embrace the secret pleasures of our subliminations, the arc of a sentence, the kiss of a rhyme...

A comedy depends on stopping the story at exactly the right moment.

#summer without men #siri hustvedt #feminist books #feminist quotes

1 note · View note