#probably played at warped tour or something when that was still a thing lol

[raiiny-bay]

alien emoji

#ts4 #simblr #ts4 edit #ts4 render #sims 4 #myedits #AUverse #bow #dhestyn #kelly #sue #gaston #good news i didn't forget how to make things #this still isn't the band edit i had planned to do but idk it's kind of fun i guess #i used the blender compositor for some of the effects :-) #looking at it now it kind of ended up being an unintentional remake of that one bandAU edit i did forever ago #i never did like that one #the lighting was. not good. #but anyway! look at me posting my other OCs for once! #stella & marky are not in the band but #stella sells merch for them at their shows & marcus very lovingly tells them how much their music sucks #btw they actually are a band in canon. they perform in their high school talent show & everything #they don't get big at all though & they kind of just... give up on it after a while #kel is the only one out of the 5 of em who actually knows anything about making music #so they were doomed from the start really #this AU is literally the exact same as canon but they get mildly famous #probably played at warped tour or something when that was still a thing lol

[iclaimedtobethebetterbard]

stars in the sk(eyes)

Fandom: Sanders Sides Characters: Logan, Virgil, Roman, Remus, Janus, Patton Rating: Teen & up Relationships: Analogical, background Intrualiceit Warnings: Language, food, like 1 line that’s maybe suggestive but also said half-jokingly Word count: 5592

Read on AO3!

My writing masterpost

Starlight Universe masterpost

analogical week 2021 start - previous - here - next - masterpost

Summary: Logan has always loved stars. Virgil has always loved music. Maybe they can put those together with a little help from some friends.

Notes: Day 2 of Analogical Week 2021! @analogicalweek Takes place in my Starlight Universe, does not need context to read.  Patton, Janus, and Remus are all nonbinary folks who use he/they pronouns and masculine terms in this universe (but in the flashback scene, Janus is only using they/them); Roman, Logan, and Virgil are all men who use he/him. (I know absolutely nothing about music or concerts or anything, so please don't roast me too hard for any inaccuracies, lol.)

They were only opening the concert; the real attraction was a band from out of town with a midsize following, making a stop on their tour. Not that Virgil was complaining to have landed this gig. It would be the biggest performance his band—the band he, Janus, and the twins had formed a few years ago—had given, by a lot. And that was exciting. Sure, Virgil had absolutely spent hours stressing over how big it was, but he knew how to manage his anxiety, especially when it came to performances, and the anxiety didn’t stop the excitement.

“You’re going to do wonderfully,” Logan had told him earlier that day as he’d been getting dressed, passing his fingerless leather gloves and then holding his jacket for him to slide into. He’d spoken it with a simple, unassuming confidence, as if it were a given fact. It had been more comforting than Virgil thought Logan knew.

With the memory of his husband’s words carefully nestled against his heart, and the jacket Logan had helped him paint rainbow stripes on sitting on his shoulders, Virgil found it easier to let go of the anxiety. Some lingering tension remained as he paced backstage, running through lyrics in his head and triple checking that everyone knew the schedule, but it wasn’t as bad as usual. Most of it, if he was being honest with himself, wasn’t even about the performance—it was about the surprise the band had put together, the surprise Virgil had had to bite his tongue a couple of times to keep himself from thoughtlessly mentioning it to Logan, even though the surprise had been almost entirely his own idea and the others were just helping. But he’d successfully kept the secret, and now Logan was out in the audience, and Virgil was backstage, and there would be no more chances to spoil it.

But Logan was out in the audience, and Virgil was backstage, and the final round of jitters was setting in. And when Logan wasn’t there, Virgil’s jitters took the form of pestering the hell out of everyone in the room, to make sure everything was perfect.

He checked all the instruments, giving Janus’s keyboard a once-over without touching because he knew better by this point. Remus’s drumset was already on the stage—he was drumming with his fingers on the end of the fallout table in the corner—so there was nothing to do about that. Roman was actively tuning his guitar, so Virgil left that alone too and instead checked his bass, just in case it had gotten out of tune in the last thirty seconds.

All of the instruments were fine, great, even, and Remus and Roman were undeniably being productive; Janus, who’d been on their phone in the corner, had stepped out for just a moment, probably to get a drink of water or something.

Things were in order. Which was good. Great, even. But it gave Virgil nothing to do with his restless energy.

“Are we ready?” he asked, jiggling his leg and tracing the pattern of his fishnet tights through one of the large rips in his jeans.

Roman looked up. “Yes,” he said shortly. Roman’s nerves tended to take the form of a very short temper, which didn’t mix well with Virgil’s perfectionism.

“Yeah,” Remus agreed, running a hand through his dark green curls and straightening his denim jacket.

“We all know the order things go in?” Virgil followed up after a minute of tense silence.

“Mmhm,” Remus said easily. Remus, and Remus alone, somehow always managed to remain at ease and unbothered no matter what. Virgil didn’t know how they did it.

Virgil took stock of everyone’s outfits. He himself was wearing fishnet leggings that went all the way up past his waist. Over them he had ripped black skinny jean, and a black crop top splattered with white paint. On top of that, he wore his black denim jacket, which matched the ones the other three were wearing. Virgil’s had the rainbow pride flag painted on the front, all down the lapel area; the rest of the jacket was covered in patches. He checked his makeup, examining the black eyeshadow and lipstick in his phone’s camera; it looked fine. Perfect, even.

Roman was the neatest of the group, made to stand out as the lead singer. He wore the same high-heeled doc martens as the other three, but in white where theirs were all black. He had a tight white longsleeve shirt made of a shimmery material and a matching pair of white pants, and the black jacket contrasting nicely against it all. Roman’s jacket had the aromantic pride flag where Virgil had the rainbow, and the rest of his jacket was painted with red roses all at the ends of long, intricate, thorny stems. His eyeliner was sharp enough to cut, and his curly hair was piled up atop a black headband wrapped around his forehead like a crown.

Janus still wasn’t back, but he’d been on the neater end too, to counter Virgil and especially Remus’s scruffiness. Their outfit was sleek and all black save for a thin white belt around their waist. A black hat with a broad round brim framed their face like a dark halo. His jacket had nonbinary and pan stripes on the front, and thin white squiggly lines running up and down like warped pinstripes everywhere else. (Virgil knew where on the jacket one line ended in a tiny snake head, and where one trailed off into a tail, but you wouldn’t notice unless you knew to look.) They were wearing black lipstick to match Virgil, and winged eyeliner to match Roman, and contour that emphasized the sharpness of his cheekbones; definitely the heaviest makeup of the group.

Remus, sitting in the corner and making noises to themself, was a sharp contrast to his boyfriend Janus’s sleek elegance. His black jeans, splattered with white paint to match Virgil’s crop top, were ripped almost to shreds, open nearly entirely from mid-thigh down to his ankles, with only a few clinging strands of fabric keeping them anywhere in the realm of being pants. The tee they wore—black again, with his own name painted on it in large white letters—was also ripped full of holes, these ones much more deliberate; he’d slashed it carefully with an exacto knife, kneeling on the ground and focusing with their tongue stuck out slightly, until it was exactly how he wanted it and you could catch glimpses of their top surgery scars when they moved. His makeup consisted of dramatic green and black eyeshadow, and his jacket had the trans and polyamorous flags on it—he and Janus, who had nearly identical collections of pride flags between them, had split two and two which color schemes they wanted to use. The rest of Remus’s jacket consisted of a few jagged holes and some incredibly detailed paintings of green tentacles.

The instruments were fine. The costumes were fine. The makeup was fine. What else did that leave for Virgil to fret over as the final minutes ticked away?

“How about the blocking?” Virgil said. “We can go over it again if anyone—”

“I promise we know, Virge,” Roman snapped.

“Come on, kiddo, you know he’s just trying to help!” piped up Patton, Janus and Remus’s other boyfriend, who was suddenly somehow present and sitting in Janus’s lap, his pastel outfit completely out of place amidst the varying edgy styles everyone else in the room was sporting.

“How did you get back here?” Roman and Virgil demanded in unison. Virgil hadn’t even noticed Janus was back, let alone that he’d brought Patton, who was supposed to be in the audience with Logan until the performance was over.

“Oops,” Janus said, not sounding even a tiny bit remorseful as they played with Patton’s dark curls.

“Did you leave Logan alone?” Virgil demanded of Patton, hands on his hips.

“Only for a minute! He’s getting snacks, anyway,” Patton said, wrapping his arms around Janus’s neck. “We both know where our seats are, he’ll be fine.”

“You already have a partner backstage, stop being greedy,” Roman scolded Janus. “Patton, you know we need to focus right now, can you please not distract my horny bandmates until after the show?”

“You sound like Virgil, with all that worrywarting,” Remus commented, snickering.

“Take that back this instant!” Roman demanded as Virgil gave Remus double birds.

Remus only guffawed, looking incredibly amused.

“Seriously, though, uh, Patton, with all the love in my heart: get out,” Virgil said.

Patton wrinkled his nose, but pressed a warm smack of a kiss to Janus’s cheek and hopped to his feet.

“Do I get a kiss?” Remus asked, reaching his arms out hopefully.

“Makeup—” Roman began warningly.

“I haven’t got any on my mouth!” Remus said triumphantly. “Suck it, Jan.”

Janus smiled wryly, fingers rising to but not quite touching their black lipstick that Patton had avoided so carefully. “The prices I pay for beauty.”

Patton giggled, crossing to Remus, clasping both his hands, and leaning down to kiss him sweetly.

“Great, you’re very very cute together but now is not the time, Patton get out and stop distracting your boyfriends,” Roman said, shooing Patton towards the door.

Remus raised an eyebrow. “High strung much?”

“Not all of us possess your—your stupid coolheadedness powers, Remus!” Roman snapped.

Patton paused in the doorway and pointed at Roman, getting out his dad voice. “Hey. Be nice.” The finger moved to Virgil. “Be nice.” His eyes flicked to Remus, then Janus, and his voice shifted to a different tone, half flirty and half joking. “You two be good boys.”

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god, I said to stop being horny!” Roman shrieked, chasing a giggling Patton out of the room and down the hall. He returned moments later, Patton-less and fixing at his hair to make sure it wasn’t too messy. “We had better not have any more alloromantic bullshit from any of you until after the show is over!” he announced. “Okay?” He didn’t sound quite as annoyed as before.

“Homophobia,” Remus accused teasingly.

But instead of snapping back, Roman giggled. “Oh, shut up.”

The twins began joking back and forth, Janus making the occasional amused interjection.  Evidently Patton’s intrusion into the room, although technically unhelpful, had done wonders to break the tension, and Virgil reminded himself to thank Patton later.

Virgil’s phone buzzed with a text from Logan.

Logan: Patton found me, don’t worry. Logan: How are you doing?

Virgil: hahahahahaaaa i don’t wanna think abt it

Logan began typing, then the little bubble went away; a second later, the phone began to ring, Logan’s caller ID plain to see.

“Hi, babe,” Virgil greeted.

“Hello, dear. Would you like to walk me through your plan for the performance, to reassure yourself?”

Virgil let out a small sigh of relief. “Yes, please.”

“I am listening,” Logan assured him.

Virgil took a deep breath and launched into a detailed itinerary, knowing that Logan didn’t mind if he got a little too technical in his terminology because Logan was listening for Virgil’s sake.

“And then that’s about it,” Virgil wound down, carefully leaving off the final item from his explanation. It wouldn’t do to spoil the surprise now. “Oh, looks like we’re getting ready now, gotta go.”

“I love you,” Logan said quickly. “You’re going to do a wonderful job.”

Virgil let out a short laugh. “Thanks, L. Love you too.” He hung up, set his phone down on the table, and picked up his bass.

“You ready?” Roman asked, nudging Virgil with his elbow, as the group finally headed towards the stage.

Virgil sucked in a long breath. “Yeah. I think so. Are you?”

“Oh, you know it!” Roman grinned, a spring in his step. He paused after a second and glanced back to Virgil. “Sorry for being so wound up earlier.”

“It happens.” Virgil shrugged. “Right back at you.”

Roman nodded and put a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “Hey. He’s going to love it. Just wait and see.”

Virgil looked away, half smiling. “I sure hope so.”

“He will, I know it!” Roman insisted as they climbed the steps onto the stage and emerged into what could practically have been the eye of a hurricane, for all the noise and light that surrounded the stage.

The sky above was fully dark; bright lights everywhere in the area contrasted against it. There was a decent crowd. The venue seemed almost full, as a matter of fact. The observation added a thrill of adrenaline to compliment the goosebumps from the chilly breeze across Virgil’s bare midriff.

Roman stepped forward and spread his arms wide right as the spotlights came up. “Hey, folks, thank you for being with us here tonight!” he said, his smile gleaming in the bright lights and his voice booming in the speakers. “We have some great hits lined up for you tonight! Let’s get it started, huh?”

Virgil waited a few seconds for the cheer of the crowd to peak. Janus began the melody on the keyboard; Virgil came in with his bass at exactly the same second Roman began to sing, and Remus picked up the beat on the drums on cue.

Virgil was quickly able to get lost in the music, all his focus on playing and providing backup vocals, leaving him with no more brain space for his anxiety. This was his favorite thing about music: its ability to keep him in the moment.

They played three songs. Two covers that always went over really well, and one song that the twins had written together about family that always left Roman just a little teary. Normally that would be their closing song.

But tonight was a little bit different.

Roman took a step back, nodding at Virgil; the pair of them traded places onstage, putting Virgil front and center.

“So,” Virgil said, the mic on his cheek picking up his words, “we were thinking we’d let you all be the first to hear our new song. Uh, I wrote this one. And normally Roman does our singing, because—well, you’ve heard his voice. But this song is kind of special. I wrote it for my husband. So. We thought I’d perform it tonight.”

As Janus began playing the melody, Virgil searched the front row of the crowd, squinting against the lights, until he found Logan, sitting next to Patton and gazing up at Virgil with shining eyes. “Lo, I love you so much, babe. More than every star you’ve ever shown me.” He took a deep breath and began to sing.

***

10 years earlier

Unknown Number: Hello. This is Janus. Logan’s roommate

Virgil: how’d u get this number?

Janus: I broke into Logan’s phone after you started dating and saved you to my contacts just in case

[read 3:43pm}

[3:46pm]

Virgil: i Virgil: wtf dude

Janus: Your boyfriend has been moping in his room all day, can you please come fix it? Janus: Roman is starting to mope too for no good reason, but he’s doing it in the living room and at this point it is starting to affect my quality of life

Virgil: yk i literally could not care less abt that part u asshole <3 Virgil: i’ll be over in 15 Virgil: is he ok?

Janus: He won’t talk to me, I don’t know what happened

Virgil: i’ll be over in 10

It was normally a 12-minute walk from the dorm Virgil was an RA in to Logan’s apartment just off campus, but Virgil could walk fast when he was anxious or alone, and in this case he was both. Even taking the time to grab a jacket, he still made it to the building in nine minutes flat.

Janus let Virgil into the apartment almost the second he knocked, relief plain to see on their face.

“You see?” Janus said over their shoulder in a scolding tone. “I had to resort to outside measures to deal with your bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit,” Roman whined from where he was slumped on the couch, scrolling aimlessly through Netflix on the TV.

“Oh? And what’s this?” Janus demanded, hands on their hips. They dramatically pushed the button to open the microwave door, revealing a limp burrito wrapped in a damp paper towel.

“Lunch,” Roman mumbled defensively.

“You hate microwave food, and it’s four in the afternoon!” Janus snapped.

“I am in a creative slump, Jan! Have some sympathy!”

“No! Get your whiny ass off the couch and stop ruining my afternoon!”

Virgil took a deep breath and pointedly walked in between the pair of them down the hall towards Logan’s room. Roman and Janus’s still-bickering voices faded into the background.

“Hey.” Virgil knocked on the door, which had a piece of printer paper taped to it with Logan’s name written on it in blue sharpie and a couple of stars, both scribbles and stickers, scattered around it. He waited, and when there was no reply, he added, “Are you okay, Lo?”

“I’m fine,” Logan said, in a voice that had obviously been crying.

“Can I come in?” Virgil asked.

“Okay.”

Virgil pushed open the door and stepped into the dim room, closing it behind him. The blinds were closed, and Logan was curled up under a mound of blankets.

“Hey, baby,” Virgil murmured, kicking off his shoes and climbing to sit on the bed beside Logan and stroke his hair. “What’s wrong?”

Logan made a muffled noise of misery into the mattress.

“What?” Virgil said after a moment.

Logan rolled over. “Teacher didn’t like my essay.”

Virgil chewed on the inside of his lip for a moment. “Okay, I promise I’m not making fun of you, but you do know that that is possibly the most stereotypically you thing you have ever said to me, right?”

Logan let out a little huff that was not quite a laugh. “I guess.” He was silent for a moment as Virgil continued to stroke his hair. “And I know it’s stupid. I still got a B+ and my overall grade in the class is fine and I know I’m a good writer and everything. But it sucks. I was really proud of it.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Virgil said, choosing to ignore the squirm in his gut that always happened when grades came up. It was so easy to compare or to worry about others comparing and then to worry about others getting upset over comparisons and—he dragged himself back to the present, forcibly setting the issue aside. “You’re allowed to feel upset,” he told Logan. “About anything that upsets you. Even if you wouldn’t choose it.”

Logan didn’t respond, but after a minute his hand snaked out from under the covers and grasped Virgil’s.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” Virgil asked, struck with the idea.

“Huh?”

“A walk. Get out of your head for a little bit and hang out. We can talk if you want, or just be together.”

Roman’s voice grew particularly loud outside, and Virgil picked out a teary, petulant, “I hate you!”

“Plus it’ll get you away from that energy,” he added wryly.

Logan drew in a breath and sat up. “Alright. Let’s do it.” He pulled out a denim jacket while Virgil put his shoes back on and retied the laces. They made their way out of the apartment, hand in hand.

Roman was on his feet now, releasing an angry tirade at Janus, hands clenched into fists and sounding on the verge of crying, the TV remote cast on the floor beside him. Janus was sitting on the kitchen counter with arms crossed and an intimidating glare on their face.

“Hey!” Virgil snapped, and Roman cut off abruptly. “Eat some food,” Virgil told him on a hunch. Sure, Roman could be a little immature at times, but this was on a whole different level, and a lack of food seemed like the simplest culprit.

Virgil looked over at Janus, to make it clear that they weren’t off the hook either. “We’re going out. You two better make up before we get back. Clear?”

“You can’t tell us what to do—” Roman began stubbornly.

“Janus literally called me in to fix all your problems, so yeah. I can. Also open your windows, it’s gloomy as fuck in here.” Virgil opened the door and held it for Logan, tossing one last glare over his shoulder at Roman, who looked dumbstruck, and Janus, who avoided eye contact.

Logan was quiet as the two of them walked down the stairs and exited the apartment building, hands in his pockets (one still clasping Virgil’s) and eyes on the toes of his slip-on shoes.

“Wanna talk?” Virgil asked.

Logan tilted his head to the side for a moment, his thinking face slipping over his features, and then shook his head.

Virgil nodded. “Okay.” He fished in his pocket for his earbuds and plugged them in. “Let me know if that changes, okay?” He received a small nod and turned on his go-to playlist—a 12-and-a-half-hour-long composition of all his favorite emo songs that he could loop without having to put any thought in.

The two of them wandered through the streets, hand in hand, music blaring in Virgil’s ears and Logan’s fingers soft and warm against his. They made their way towards downtown; their university was in a small city, and it was pretty walkable.

As they walked, weaving around and across different blocks, occasionally stopping to peek into particularly interesting shop windows, the tension in Logan’s shoulders slowly began to relax and his gaze migrated from the toes of his shoes upwards to take in the surrounding scenery. Virgil felt himself relaxing in turn. The subdued, almost sullen look on Logan’s face was beginning to shift back to his typical bright-eyed curiosity, which meant that while maybe not all was right with the world, a whole lot was right with the world.

As the sky began to darken, Logan’s pace quickened with sudden purpose—but he didn’t lead Virgil in the direction of the apartment. Instead, he headed in almost the exact opposite direction. Virgil was lost for a moment as to where they were going, until the park in the center of downtown came into view. Ah. That explained it. He was kind of glad; he didn’t feel ready for the quiet time they were spending together to be over.

A scent caught his attention as they entered the park, and he tugged gently at Logan’s arm, nodding towards the mediterranean food truck. A small smile answered him, and a nod, and the pair of them made their way over. They both ordered gyros—Virgil chicken, and Logan, who was trying out vegetarian food, falafel.

Fifteen minutes later, seated side by side on a park bench and finishing the last of their sandwiches, Logan cleared his throat. “Thank you.”

Virgil bumped his shoulder against his boyfriend’s. “Of course, babe.”

“I am feeling… better,” Logan said cautiously, as if he were testing out the words in his mouth to see if they felt true.

Virgil nodded. “Better is good.”

Logan nodded, eyes moving to the sky, which was now almost fully dark except for a streak of orange sunset leftover on the horizon. The stars were out, at least the brightest ones that could be seen even past the floodlights placed every so often across the park.

“You like space, and shit, right?” Virgil said, scooting closer to Logan and dragging his arm to wrap around Virgil as he rested his head on Logan’s shoulder. It was a bit of a rhetorical question, since he knew Logan had an astronomy minor and was the vice president of the astronomy club and had gone on no less than three eager rambles about space in the last month alone, but one could always do with a conversation opener.

Logan blinked and looked down at him. “I do.” You know this, his tone said, a little puzzled at the question.

“What star is that?” Virgil pointed at a particularly bright one, although he wasn’t paying nearly as much attention to the star as he was to Logan’s face.

Sure enough, Logan brightened, his eyes more interesting than any star. “Oh! That’s not a star at all—it’s actually Mercury!”

“Really?” Virgil asked, grinning and scooting closer.

Logan wrapped his arm a little more tightly around Virgil’s shoulders with an answering smile. “Yes, and it’s actually very fascinating…” And just like that, he was off, words spilling out of his mouth at a breakneck pace, gesturing eagerly with his free hand to emphasize his points.

Virgil listened, doing his best to follow along and asking a few questions whenever Logan started to wind down, but mostly just happy to watch his boyfriend’s lips as he excitedly infodumped, and his eyes, too, alight with delight, the frustration of the disappointing grade all but forgotten as he held Virgil and told him stories about the night sky.

It was nearly ten at night by the time they made their way back to Logan’s apartment, chatting back and forth in quiet voices and giggling. Logan broke off as he opened the door and got a look inside; he glanced over his shoulder at Virgil and put a finger to his lips.

Virgil hushed and followed him in, then saw what the need for quiet was: Janus and Roman were asleep on the sofa, Roman sprawled on his stomach on top of Janus with his limbs everywhere and his face buried in Janus’s chest, Janus with their arms wrapped around him and a throw pillow propping their head up and a worn copy of Crime and Punishment flopped over from where it had clearly been propped up on Roman’s back.

“Precious,” Virgil commented softly as Logan picked up the book, tucked a bookmark off the coffee table into it, and set it down with the tender care he seemed to reserve exclusively for books and Virgil.

Logan smiled. “They are, rather.” He looked down at his roommates. “Sometimes I wonder why I picked the two most dramatic people I know to live with.”

“Sometimes like this afternoon?” Virgil said with a chuckle.

Logan snorted. “Maybe. But then they do things like this, and I remember why I like them.”

Virgil noticed something on the tiny kitchen table. “Or this?” He pointed.

Logan came over to examine what Virgil had found. “Oh,” he breathed, a smile spreading across his face.

A plate of cookies sat on the table, together with a hastily handmade card.

“Sorry :( ❤️” it read in large, expressive cursive, and beneath it in smaller, neater handwriting, “I actually didn’t do anything wrong, but these are for you and I did the dishes, also you’re welcome for the date night.”

Logan laughed quietly, taking a cookie and offering the plate to Virgil, who accepted one cookie—they looked to be snickerdoodles. “Yes. Things exactly like this,” he said. He took a bite of the cookie and raised his eyebrows. “Not bad.”

Virgil grinned and leaned over to kiss him. “Not bad at all,” he agreed, pulling away.

“I literally gave you your own cookie,” Logan whispered, clearly trying not to laugh.

“Yeah, but it tastes better this way.” Virgil winked, mainly for Logan’s reaction—he pressed a hand to his mouth, stifling an amused smile that was still visible in his eyes. “I should go,” Virgil added, glancing at the time. It was Sunday tomorrow, so he didn’t need to worry about how late he was up, but he disliked walking home at night.

Logan nodded, taking another cookie and pressing it into his hand. “Text me when you get home?”

“I always do,” Virgil said, accepting the cookie and a goodnight kiss that still tasted just faintly of cinnamon and sugar.

And he did just that; he always felt a little awkward simply texting “I made it home,” or the like, so he usually tried to come up with interesting questions to send to Logan instead. Tonight, it was:

Virgil: hey Virgil: if u could pick one Thing u always wanted to do Virgil: and get a guarantee that u’d get a chance to do that thing no matter what Virgil: what would u pick?

Logan: Fascinating question! I would like the opportunity to name a star. Logan: I don’t imagine it will ever happen in real life, but I’ve always thought it would be… cool, for lack of a better word.

Virgil: ghfdkjghksdhj i will never be over ur love for space Virgil: u have a Brand and u stick to it

Logan: Well, a brand is important in life. :-) Logan: What about you? What would you pick?

Virgil: i think it’d be neat to be in a band Virgil: idk Virgil: like i don’t wanna be super famous or anything but like Virgil: being in a band would be neat Virgil: yk?

***

Ten years later, Virgil sang the last lines of his song looking right at his husband. “And I don’t even need to look to the skies/Because all of the stars are in your eyes.”

The noise around him didn’t fade away like in the movies; to the contrary, the cheering was so loud it was almost hard to focus. But Logan’s face was absolutely alight—Virgil couldn’t be sure at this distance, but he thought Logan might even be tearing up—and he was looking at Virgil like he was his whole world. Even with the bright lights and overwhelming sounds all around, it was easy to focus on Logan in the midst of it all, Logan pressing a hand to his mouth but smiling too wide for anything to hide it, Logan leaning into the side-hug that Patton—oh, and there was Patton, right beside him—was offering, but never taking his eyes off Virgil. Logan looked so happy, even though Virgil knew concerts weren’t really his favorite type of event, and Virgil was hit right in the chest with a renewed realization that Logan was Virgil’s whole world and damn, Virgil wanted to make sure everyone knew it.

But their time onstage was up, and the next few minutes were a bustle of packing equipment away and cleaning up the space they’d been allotted backstage, and it all went by in a bit of a blur, helped along by the remnants of Virgil’s performance mindset and slight overstimulation—though that was getting better now that he was offstage.

Virgil took a quick break, when the bulk of the urgent work was done, to just stand in the empty restroom and breathe for a moment, the noise of the other band who were now onstage thudding in the background so quietly he could hardly hear it. When he’d fully composed himself, feeling much calmer, he took a deep breath and headed back out.

On his way out, he ran into Roman, pushing a dolly with a box on it. “Oh, good, there you are,” he greeted Virgil. “Can you—oh, for crying out loud,” he broke off, looking ahead.

Following his gaze, Virgil snickered as he saw Remus, leaning against the wall with their hands clasped behind his head, grinning down at Patton, who was leaned forward, bracketing Remus with his arms, looking up at him and speaking, although Virgil couldn’t hear him from here.

“We still have work to do,” Roman said under his breath, but the exasperated gaze he leveled at the pair was altogether far too fond to have much real bite.

Virgil’s mind was on other matters; if Patton was here, that meant—

“Lolo!” Patton’s voice called brightly; he’d seen Roman and Virgil and stepped back from Remus, waving happily at the pair of them. “Virgil’s here!”

At the sound of Patton’s voice, Janus emerged from the room, a little further down the hall, that had served as the headquarters for the band. He bent to give the tiny man a kiss, then turned to Remus for another kiss.

Logan popped his head out just a moment behind Janus. “Virgil?” He brightened when he saw Virgil’s face, and stepped fully out into the hall. He hadn’t changed from his work outfit, still wearing a button down with the sleeves rolled up, a tie, and a pair of jeans, and a smile that he looked like he couldn’t wipe off his face.

He was still the handsomest man Virgil had ever seen.

Virgil looked to Roman. “Permission to get back on my alloromantic bullshit, captain?” he asked teasingly.

Roman rolled his eyes and swatted Virgil’s shoulder. “Go be cute,” he said benignly.

Virgil took off down the hallway to Logan, not quite running; Logan took a few steps to meet him, and Virgil caught him in a hug so eager he actually lifted the taller man off his feet for just a second.

Logan, half-laughing with surprise, grasped Virgil’s shoulders for balance as he regained his feet. “You wrote me a song?”

“Did you like it?” Virgil asked, holding him tightly.

“Virgil, I—” Logan seized Virgil’s face in his hands and kissed him.

Virgil wrapped his arms more firmly around his husband, kissing him back exuberantly and swaying slightly back and forth.

“It’s perfect,” Logan told him, breaking away only just far enough to speak. “You’re perfect.”

Virgil grinned, reaching up to run his fingers through Logan’s neat hair. “Careful, you’ll spoil me.”

“I don’t think I could ever do that,” Logan told him seriously. “It’s not spoiling if you deserve it.”

And really, what was Virgil supposed to do about that except kiss his husband again?

#analogical #analogicalweek #analogical week #sanders sides #thomas sanders #thatsthat24 #logan sanders #virgil sanders #ts logan #ts virgil #romantic analogical #intrualiceit #moceit #dukeceit #demus #intruality #aro!roman #aromantic roman #language #food #ts fic #ts fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #peregrin's starlight universe

[purplesurveys]

1105

surveys by seachaange

What do you do when someone is talking to you about something you don't care about? I listen and try to ask questions or add my own input so that they can see that even though I personally don’t care about the thing they’re talking about, I’m invested in them.

What is the best pizza place in your neighbourhood? Erm, we don’t really have a lot of independent pizza joints, actually. Most of the ones I see are chain restaurants like Pizza Hut and Domino’s. The best pizza I’ve had is from Vu’s at Marco Polo, but it’s been a whileeeee since I’ve had their food. Mama Lou’s pizza is also good.

Do you have Photoshop installed on your computer? I do but I only had it installed for school. I have no personal interest to learn it.

Are there any teachers you have that you are close with? I wouldn’t say that. I’m kinda chummy with one of my English teachers from high school - like he knew about me and Gab and supported us, I show my support for his art, we greet each other every now and then, etc - but we’re not ‘close.’

Do you have friends that play field hockey? No.

What about soccer? Not friends but I do know a number people who play football, yeah.

Do you think homosexuals are leading a bad lifestyle? This question aged like milk, didn’t it...

What do you think of the iPad? I remember when it blew up like crazy. It was such a revolutionary thing back when it was new, so much so that my dad even felt the need to buy one. It was fun when the hype lasted; but nowadays I don’t know people who would still seek out an iPad other than artists and law/med students, lmfao.

Do you put lotion on after you get out of the shower? I don’t.

Do you have any concerts on dvd? A lot, but they’re of concerts from a time when DVDs were still a thing. I haven’t had a new DVD in around 7-8 years.

Do you still have a VHS player? I think my parents have thrown theirs out already.

Has anyone ever given you a promise ring? No.

Do you send postcards to people when you go on vacation? I don’t. But aw, this made me remember when Jo did a summer exchange program in London and she sent postcards to Aya in the few months that she had been away. I thought that was sweet.

What do you think is the most comfortable shoe? Out of the pairs I have, my Onitsuka Tiger shoes for sure.

Have you seen Lady Gaga's music video for Telephone? That was suuuuuuch a big deal when it came out. Yes, I definitely have and I must’ve watched it a thousand times. Also rude, Beyoncé was in there too lol

If so, what do you think of it? It was so creative and a lot of fun to watch, especially for 2009 when artists weren’t exactly daring with music video concepts yet. I can’t believe they never collaborated again since.

What do you think of the septum piercing? It’s great.

Do you frequently skip class? Depends on my interest in the class/the professor, OR how tired I am that week. I skipped my psychology elective a lot because I didn’t think the instructor was all that great; and as much as I loved every single one of my history classes, there were a few sessions I voluntarily had to skip because I wasn’t doing mentally well. It really depends.

--

When you're really thirsty, what do you enjoy drinking most? Water. Anything else wouldn’t be able to quench my thirst as well.

What do you find inspirational in the world? I think it differs based on what I need to see at a given time, I guess. At this point in my life, I like hearing from people who have risen from their trust and abandonment issues, because it’s what I’ve been going through as well. I probably never would’ve found something like that inspirational, say, 6 months ago, so it really depends.

When hanging out with your bf or gf, what do you like doing most? I’m a very ‘let’s spend time in silence’ type of person. I cherished it the most when my ex and I would go to a coffee shop and work for hours, in complete and comfortable silence; or when I would be driving and no words would be exchanged for nearly the entire ride. Even though I stay quiet, in those moments I’m actually very happy. Of course new experiences are great too, but I personally enjoy the conventional ‘boring’ stuff the most when with a partner.

What do/did you think of your high school? Teeming with homophobia, bigotry, and just your typical Catholic gatekeepy judgmental environment. I look back at high school fondly because of the friends I made, not because of the toxic environment they nurtured in there.

What is the dirtiest rap song you have ever heard? I don’t listen to a lot of rap. But as an 11 year old listening to Nicki Minaj’s Itty Bitty Piggy, I was immediately traumatized lmao. I still can’t listen to that song.

What about a dirty song in any other genre? Uhhhhhhhhh probably Drunk in Love?? Lmaoooo I’d die for Beyoncé a million times but I always skip that song. My asexual ass just can’t deal.

What is a genre of music you simply can't stand? One of them is techno.

What is, in your opinion, the best way of dealing with a break up? Being kind to yourself.

What flavour of Doritos do you like best? I’ve only ever tried the nacho cheese flavor, but I love that one.

Where do you do your grocery shopping? I don’t do the grocery shopping in the family but my parents usually do it at SM or at this local store we have nearby.

Would you ever go to a comedy club? Yes, with a friend so I’d be more comfortable.

Do you think Victoria's Secret is overpriced? I haven’t been in one of their stores in a while, so I can’t really say.

Do you still have a VHS player? Again, I don’t think so.

Do you have a tumblr? :))))))

Why is it that photography is becoming a trend? So this survey was made in 2010 and I can definitely confirm it was a crazy huge trend lol. Even I got into it and asked my parents to get me a DSLR back then. Anyway, I think it was because during this time, DSLRs had been slowly becoming a thing? and they were kiiiiiiiinda cheap - at least cheap enough to be accessible to a large amount of people - so it allowed people to play with different styles that were very unfamiliar at the time, like light painting, fisheye, close-ups, etc. And then at one point everyone had DSLRs and it just wasn’t as enjoyable anymore because everyone was doing the same kinds of trendy shots lol.

What is the funniest movie you have ever seen? I’m gonna go with The Proposal - Sandra Bullock was gold in that movie.

Did you watch American Idol this past season? No. Do they still air new seasons of that?? I stopped watching when the same guitar-playing, country-singing white men kept winning.

If so, how did you feel about the winner? It’s been more than a decade since I last cared for the show.

Don't you hate it when one of your earbuds stops working? Sure.

Do you have a normal landline, or do you use MagicJack? Holy shit I have not heard of MagicJack in a goddamn WHILE lmao, what a throwback. We had one, I’m pretty sure...but I never knew what it was for.

Do you even use a house phone anymore? Landlines are still common in the Philippines. Are they not in other countries? Hahahaha.

Would you ever consider dating someone who lived across the country? If I loved, trusted, and was committed to them enough, yes.

What was the most expensive restaurant you've ever eaten at? I wasn’t able to track the name but I’m pretty sure it was the fine dining restaurant in our cruise trip that my parents treated me to for my birthday.

Do/did you take foods classes in high school? My school didn’t offer such a class, but we had home economics and we were occasionally taught how to cook and bake certain dishes.

Do you have a tattoo? No, not yet.

If you do, describe the pain you went thru when getting it done. Eugh this is what I’m scared of :((((

Do you enjoy making hemp necklaces and bracelets? I’ve never tried.

Have you ever watched the show Strangers With Candy? I’ve never even heard of it before, I’m sure.

What is your favourite bookstore? Fully Booked, because their collection is expansive, always complete, and they let you take a book of the shelves and read it if you’d like.

Have you ever used torrents? Mostly throughout high school. I did use a torrent to download Midsommar recently, though.

How can we tell if you are in a bad mood? I go quiet.

How are you when you're in a really good mood? Complete opposite - I will be bubbly and chatty, especially in instances when I’m not really expected to be.

Are you nice to everyone, even people you don't like? Yes.

When you're bored in class, what do you do? I seldom found myself bored in class because I’m constantly furiously taking notes. But if the prof themselves are very boring and there’s nothing to take notes about, I go ahead and check my social media either from my phone or laptop.

--

Would you rather go to Lollapalooza, Warped Tour, or Bonnaroo? As a teenager, I had always wanted to go to Warped Tour. As I’ve gotten older, though, the lineups for Lollapalooza have appealed to me more. Plus it’s in Chicago, soooooo a million more brownie points for that.

Do you have anything that is autographed? By who? Yeah, I have an autographed poster of AJ Lee. It was my most prized possession and I even placed it on a big picture frame and had it up on my wall for yearsssssssss, and then my mom had to take it down because of course it’s my mom and of course she had to do it.

Can you sleep when it's really hot? Welcome to summer months in the Philippines.

Do you know anyone who works at McDonald's? I think Carley does, but idk if that’s changed in the last few months. I don’t stay updated about her life, haven’t been for years.

Do you have a debit card? Yes.

What bank do you (or your family) use? I am not sharing that lol.

Would you ever hitchhike? I think I’m mostly open to it, though I will say I’ve read enough stories about murders that involve hitchhiking that make me a little scared of the idea, hahah.

Have you ever been kayaking? We did a boat thing in Palawan a few years ago but I’m not sure if that was kayaking or canoeing. Anywho, the experience was breathtaking.

Do you have a problem with swimming in a pond or lake? In the context of my country, yeah, because our natural bodies of water aren’t exactly...the cleanest, lmao. I’d feel much more comfortable swimming in a private beach.

Does anyone in your family go hunting or fishing? Nope. But maybe some of my relatives living in the US do?? Idk for sure.

What do/did you do when someone you barely knew asks you to sign their yearbook? We don’t really practice that. Only the really expensive, bougie, international schools here that have foreign students to begin with do that, I think.

In high school are you/were you in the plays and musicals? No.

Do you have a birdbath in your yard? No, we don’t.

Is the house you live in old or new? It’s fairly new; we had it first built in 2005 and we officially moved in 2008.

Where do you go when you need a new pair of sneakers? Depends on what brand I’m in the mood to buy.

Do you make New Year's Resolutions, or do you not even bother? I typically don’t.

Most annoying commercial? Haven’t been paying attention to them lately.

What does your favourite bathing suit look like? It’s just a simple black bikini but its overall shape and design is super cute and chic.

Do you like Silly Bandz? No.

If you do, how many do you have and what are your favourite shapes?

What do you think of My Super Sweet 16? I never watched it because I feel like I’d only get stressed if I did.

Do you have mini-blinds in your house? I have pull-down window shades in my room, not blinds.

Do you rent your home or do you own it? My parents own it.

What is your favourite song right now? Trigger by Hayley Williams.

Do you use Firefox? Nope.

Do you have a pool in your backyard? We don’t.

Do you have a gym membership? No.

Favourite field trip you've ever been on? Freshman year of high school when we went to two museums :)

#survey #surveys

[eldritchsurveys]

862.

1. have you ever gotten soap in your mouth for cursing? do you think that’s right to do to kids who curse?: >> I did get soap in my mouth, but not for cursing; for “talking back” or being “fresh”, mostly. I was (understandably...) too afraid to do anything as brash as curse. I don’t think it’s an appropriate disciplinary measure at all, unless your mission is to confuse and frighten your child into obedience... which, apparently, is a lot of parents’ ultimate goal, it seems.

2. what age do you think is appropriate for kids to start watching horror movies with lots of gore?: >> I really don’t have a solid opinion about this. I tend to skew a little unorthodox on this front, which is probably best left unexplored (fortunately, this is all hypothetical and I’ll never have to address this situation in real life).

3. do you know what the word “polyamorous” means? and did you ever hear that song by breaking benjamin?: >> I know what it means, and I do remember the Breaking Benjamin song.

4. how many bug bites do you currently have?: >> Zero.

5. what’s one word you always have trouble spelling and can’t remember the correct spelling of?: >> I don’t think there’s any word like that. Spelling and phonics is one of my few strong suits.

6. what’s one band that really sucks live?: >> I don’t know, I haven’t seen any that I thought sucked performance-wise (I have seen a few whose music I just didn’t care for, like some opening acts, but that has nothing to do with the quality of their performance).

7. do you go to warped tour? why or why not?: >> I have never been to Warped Tour. I just never got an opportunity to go, or I was never interested, or whatever.

8. do you have any wind chimes outside your house? how many?: >> No. Some neighbours have them, I think.

9. do you know someone who actually had someone give them a bouquet of real roses and one fake one, and tell them they’ll love them until the last one dies?: >> I’ve never even heard of that.

10. which do you like better, firefox or internet explorer?: >> Firefox.

11. who is the most attractive person on your street?: >> ---

12. do you have a flat stomach? would you ever wear a belly shirt to show it off?: >> I no longer have a flat stomach, and you wouldn’t catch me dead in a crop top.

13. which do you prefer on yourself, long or short hair?: >> I like how I look with long hair, but I prefer the low maintenance of short hair. So, I buzz my head, and I wear wigs when I feel like it. Best of both worlds.

14. what about on your preferred sex? long or short?: >> ---

15. with eyebrow piercings, do you prefer the ring or the curved barbell?: >> I have no opinion.

16. have you ever pierced something yourself? why and what was it?: >> Yeah, I pierced my ears a few times. I did it because I wanted to? And also because I couldn’t afford to have them professionally done. I also did it when I was 16 because my father wouldn’t let me get a cartilage piercing, so I pierced my own ear at work one day. (My father eventually noticed because I put the most ridiculously obvious jewelry in it... hold on, I’m going to find a photo of what I’m talking about because like... what did I expect to happen)

looked something like that. I straight up deserved to get caught.

17. would you date someone who was five years older than you?: >> I don’t date, but that wouldn’t be a dealbreaker if I did.

18. i heard of a girl whose boyfriend cheated on her with a 13yearold (he’s 18) and got her pregnant, so she left him. what would you have done if you were in her situation?: >> I... just can’t imagine being in this situation, sorry.

19. how old was the youngest person you ever found attractive? and how old were you?: >> Oh, I don’t know. Probably not much younger than myself; my tastes always skewed older (oftentimes much older).

20. isn’t it annoying when you’re trying to start conversation with someone and all they say is “yup” or “really now” or something like that?: >> Not necessarily, unless they’re usually much more exuberant and participatory than that. Then I’d wonder if something was wrong (and if it was my fault).

21. if you have aim, do you have any linked screen names? how many?: >> ---

22. which of your favorite bands released a new album last?: >> I’m not sure.

23. are you waiting for any bands to release new albums? which ones?: >> No.

24. what’s your favorite store for buying cds and such at?: >> Back in the day when that was my primary mode of listening to music, my favourite music stores were Virgin Megastore and Tower Records. Ah, nostalgia.

25. what’s the point in buying dvds like “girls gone wild” and other porn if you can get tons more online for free?: >> Well, people generally do watch more porn online nowadays, I think. But the benefit of having a DVD is that... you never have to worry about the video being taken down, and you always have it available (so, even if you don’t have internet connection, etc). It’s the same argument for having paper books or movies/shows on DVD, really.

26. if you had to have one drug (illegal ones, like marijuana and cocaine and all of them) right now, what would it be?: >> Well, marijuana is technically legal here (although I think new recreational dispensary openings in this city have been kinda interrupted by the whole pandemic business, so it’s still a bit hard to access for now). The only drugs I’m even interested in anymore (besides maybe a little low-THC weed, just to see) are psychedelics, and I don’t just want to take them casually, I want a tripsitter or a therapist present. So it’s more complicated than just “getting the drug”.

27. would you ever get a sleeve or a half sleeve on your arm (we’re talking about tattoos)?: >> I would love that. I have had the idea to have a tree-rings tattoo down my left arm like the astronaut character in The Fountain for years.

28. do you have a wireless mouse and/or keyboard?: >> No, my keyboard and mouse are both wired, which is logical. Wouldn’t it suck if I was in the middle of a boss fight in FFXIV and the battery in my keyboard or mouse just fuckin died? Yikes.

29. do you think your biological parents love each other?: >> They did not love each other, from my perspective. I don’t even know if my father is capable of loving anyone, the way he fucking acts.

30. do you have callouses on your feet?: >> No.

31. did you see the commercial for that “foot grater” on tv that basically shaves the callouses off of your feet? isn’t that nasty to think about?: >> That is nasty to think about, and I don’t think it’s even necessary. Anything to make a buck, I guess.

31. what’s your favorite color combination (ex. pink and purple)?: >> I don’t know, I like a lot of colour combinations.

32. ever been to watchmovies.net? what do you think of the quality of the movies there?: >> Yeah. I don’t like sites like that because I can never get good subtitles and also they’re always buffering and shit. I can’t put up with that anymore, I paid my dues back in my literally-broke days.

33. what’s one movie you’re dying to see but haven’t had the chance to see yet?: >> Everything on my watchlists across the four streaming services I patronise. I just don’t always have movie-watching energy (or time), so it’s slow going to get through all my watchlists.

34. would you rather live alone in a huge mansion or alone in a small studio apartment?: >> Alone in a small studio apartment. Unless the huge mansion had a staff, because I really can’t fucking imagine keeping a mansion clean and maintained otherwise. But... huge mansions often come with a lot of acreage... and no neighbours... that’d be nice.

35. if you came across child porn on your computer, what would you do?: >> How the fuck would that even happen? Let’s not get silly here.

36. what’s the last computer game you played?: >> Final Fantasy XIV.

37. what’s the name of the street you live on?: >> Eh, let’s not.

38. would you ever dye your entire head blonde?: >> No.

39. what’s the randomest thing you ever heard of someone collecting?: >> I don’t know, most things people collect seem random to me.

40. how often do you use “<3” or “:]”?: >> Rarely.

41. isn’t it annoying how people walk around thinking hollister logo tshirts and ripped jeans are preppy, even though those things would never be allowed in a prepatory school because of the dress code?: >> *stares blankly in “I don’t care”*

42. how do you feel about abortion?: >> I am pro-choice.

43. what’s one thing your grandmother does that you can’t stand?: >> ---

44. did you ever notice how it’s more tragic if a younger person dies than an older person, even if they both died of the same cause?: >> It does seem that way to people, but I don’t see it that way myself. Of course I’d rather die when I’m old than, like, right now, but hey. It be like that.

45. when’s the last time you snuck around, and where did you go?: >> I don’t have to sneak around.

46. how often do you wash your hair?: >> Once a week, provided I remember.

47. do you think the price for a movie ticket is too high these days?: >> Not here, it isn’t. In NYC, it was fucking astronomical.

48. have you ever been to a drive-in movie theater?: >> No. I’d like to one day, that seems fun. But only if I have a convertible, lol.

49. what’s your favorite musical?: >> Phantom of the Opera.

50. what do you think of dr. seuss?: >> I’ve never read him (that I can remember) and I don’t care.

#surveys #survey #random survey

[lovemesomesurveys]

Does anyone know your bank pin number other than you? Who? My mom does.

Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed? Yeah.

Would you be able to climb out your bedroom window to sneak out? No. That would be very difficult for me to do no matter what, but to add to that my dresser and TV are in front of my window.

What would you do if you found out the last person you called was pregnant/got someone pregnant? My mom can’t get or get someone else pregnant.

Can you taste the difference between brand name food and store brand food? With certain foods, yes. 

Would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? Which one more? I don’t have to buy any of those things, but I just know I would. I’m weird about that kind of stuff for some reason. If a stranger went in your bedroom, would they be able to tell what gender you are from just looking at it? I’m sure they’d guess I was a female.

Are your parents gullible? No, I wouldn’t say that. 

Do you still own a VCR? Nope. We still have our Disney VHS tapes, though.

About how much money have you spent on food in the past two weeks? The only thing I bought recently was Wingstop, which was only like $12 bucks. If you were in a car accident would the last person you kissed care? He’s not heartless, but I mean he wouldn’t rush to the hospital or anything. I doubt he’d even reach out. He probably wouldn’t even know, honestly. We haven’t talked in years.

If you were looking for a new pair of shoes where would you go? I’d go to Adidas.com

How much was the last pair of shoes you bought? I actually haven’t bought a pair of shoes myself in several years. My parents have gotten my shoes for birthdays and Christmases. Sometimes just cause. My dad is a total shoe guy himself and gets excited about buying them for my brother and I, too.

What color is the computer/laptop you’re on? Did you buy it yourself? It’s gray and I have a rose gold case on it. No, my dad bought it for me a few years ago.

Do you have a second home? No.

Would you be surprised if you saw the last person you texted smoking? That would come as a total shock. My can’t stand even being near someone smoking, so yeah. I’d be very concerned if she just picked up smoking all of a sudden.

Does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you? The smell of cigarettes does. It actually really messes with me. I get a bad headache, feel lightheaded, and my heart rate goes up.

Was the last person you kissed younger or older than you? A year younger.

Do you think people have any misconceptions about you? Probably.

Have you ever purchased Girl Scout cookies? Yeah, many, many times. I was also a Girl Scout myself.

Do you like waffles? Yes.

Do you watch birthing videos on a day-to-day basis? I never watch birthing videos. Ew.

Do you find piercings/tattoos attractive? I don’t mind a few, but they’re not really my thijng.

Would you talk to someone you don’t know on the internet? I’ve talked to many people online. I’ve had an internet presence since like 1999. 

How often do you drink Monster? I haven’t had a Monster in like 10 years. The only energy drink I drink are Starbucks Doubleshots. I’m obsessed with the white chocolate one.

Have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends? Yeah, a few. One of my friends and I actually had a YouTube channel lmao. We only uploaded a few videos, though. One of which was our reaction to 2 Girls 1 Cup lmao. Those videos will never see the light day again.

Do you like to buy those Warped Tour compilations? I’ve never bought one.

Do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth? I don’t like booths, but whenever I sit at one I just stay in my chair.

Do you own a nightgown? Nope.

Have you ever made a house out of a giant cardboard box? I don’t think so.

Have you ever made a tent out of sheets in your bedroom? Yeah. My cousins and I made forts all the time when we were kids.

Do your grandparents know how to operate a cell phone? Yeah, they each have one.

Have you ever had sex or something like it? “or something like it” lol that sounds weird. Anyway, no.

Have you ever read a George Orwell book? Nope.

Have you ever worn fishnets? Yeah.

How many piercings and tattoos do you have? Just my earlobes. No tattoos.

Is someone in your family affected by Asperger’s? Not in my immediate family. I’m not sure about my extended.  

In a hotel do you always nose through all the drawers and cupboards? Nah. 

Would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out? Uh, wow.

Do you always wear your seat belt? Always. Ya’ll better wear yours, too. 

Have you ever liked someone much older than you? Just celebrities.

Have you ever been in a play? Actually, I was in one in like the 3rd grade.

Do you have any secrets that nobody knows about? Yeah.

Is there ice cream in your freezer? I think so.

Have you ever started to laugh but played it off as a cough successfully? Haha yeah.

Have you ever liked the lyrics of a band but hated the music? Yes.

Does your bathroom have a window? Nope.

Do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? Nope. I only went to get my eyebrows done once, and that was when I was like 13.

When you were younger did you read the A Series Of Unfortunate Events books? Yes.

Who was the last band you saw live? Green Day.

Do you believe prayer really works? I absolutely do. That doesn’t mean it’ll happen right away or when you want it, how you want it, or even at all. But it definitely could. It might be awhile or it might happen in a way you didn’t expect. 

Are you a fan of the band Gym Class Heroes? I liked a couple of their songs.

Frosted flakes or frosted mini wheats? Both are good, but Frosted Flakes are better. They’re dare I say, grrrrrrreat.

Have you been on a date in the park? Nope.

Ever dated someone you were best friends with first? Yeah, that’s how it happened both times.

Are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family? Yes.

Do you have asthma? No. Are tongue piercings slutty? No. It’s a piercing.

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? Alexander Skarsgard.

Last person to take off your pants, besides you? Just me. Do you remember those cool highlighters that smelled like popcorn? No? I recall scented markers, but not a popcorn smelling highlighter.

Might you enjoy hanging out in the woods for day or two? No.

Have you ever written something on a bathroom stall? Nope.

Least favorite alcoholic drink? All of them. I don’t drink.

Have you ever kissed someone named Paul or Luke? Nope.

How did you meet the last male you texted? He’s my dad.

Have you ever had an embarrassing email address? Nah. I like the old email addresses I had from childhood and teen years. Especially the ones during my emo days, ha. Lots of X’s. 

Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand? Right. Do you have a bull ring through your nose? No.

Do you and your dad get along? Yeah. We’re not as close as my mom and I, but it’s not that we don’t get along. It’s just different. 

Can you see your purse right now? Yeah.

Are you wearing any perfume? What kind? No.

Are there products in your hair? No.

When you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy? I have, but nah not usually.

Do you actually like sneezing? Uh, no. I like when it happens so the feeling of having to sneeze goes away, but not the actual sneezing itself.

Have you taken a shower yet today? Not yet.

Do you have one best friend who is always there for you? I have my family. Do you wear skirts a lot? No. I haven’t worn a skirt in years.

Do you wear sweatpants a lot? No, but I live in leggings. 

How many pairs of jeans do you think you have? I think I have 3 or 4 now. I got rid of a few pairs recently. I haven’t worn jeans in like 3 years, so.

Do you like hoodies? I love hoodies.

Big ones or the form fitting kind? I like oversized ones.

Do you wear polo shirts a lot? I don’t wear polo shirts ever.

Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? Yes.

Are you one of those people who claim to live with no regrets? Ha, nopeee. I have a lot of regrets.

Do you love your computer? Yes.

Do you drink coffee? Coffee courses through my veins.

Do you basically like all of your clothes? Yes, that’s why I have them. I recently went through my clothes and got rid of a lot of stuff that I just wasn’t wearing anymore. I still liked them, but I wasn’t wearing them and they were just taking up room. I was finally able to get the mountain of clothes I was storing on my bed for a long time into my dresser.

Do you shop mostly with your parents, your friends, or by yourself? I do my shopping online. I used to go grocery shopping with my mom before the quarantine/lockdown, but we’ve been doing that online as well now and she just goes to pick it up.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[elishebe]

Sasuhina Secret Santa-Vampire AU

A/N: God I’m atrociously late, and excuses are trash, but I literally didn’t save my work when I damn near finished this last week, and I just...had to recover from that trauma and try to write it again lol. It’s honestly not as great as it would be if I weren’t so upset with myself for losing all the work and trying emulate it again, but I tried my best! Super sore again, Hope you like @fher43

-btw Hinata’s slighty ooc just because...i feel like six hundred plus years of vampirism does that to a person lol.

:: There’s something about the ripeness of age... ::

Unoriginal. Cheap. Cliche.

A birthday gift for his mother absolutely had to be authentic and well-thought out. She might appreciate anything she received, but she could smell things like cheap and overdone.

But Sasuke’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel any hope this antique shop he stumbled upon. It was dingy in all the right ways, and he was the only customer in. A turn around each corner and something ancient and beautiful would appear eclipising the last item he’d seen.

And then he turned another corner, the shopkeeper standing right before him.

Mismatched, Sasuke thought. Completely and utterly.

From the deep, velvet maroon of her lip, to the smokey obsidian modeling the edges of her eye with a blackish cardinal pigment dusting from eyelid to brow bone--well--Sasuke was no stranger to heuristics or falling prey to stereotypes himself. Thus he was good of watching himself, and looking at her darkly themed makeup, which he was indeed a fan of, decided it was just her interest and mood, not her personality entirely.

Even the hair he could reconcile as just...another thing, he supposed. Blue, though dark. Smalt, even. It fell down around her--bone straight, obedient--like a stream, and her long bangs acting as a curtain parted along the sides of her trim face for the main act as pearlescent orbs descended upon his shirt.

But that small bat tattoo right below the eye...well it was hard to think her anything other than what he believed upon seeing it.

So-

That angelically soft smile had caught him off his guard.

“Theatre of Tragedy?” She asked with a glance at his shirt, cup in hand, looking away as she pulled at spine backs of books.

Sasuke stared at the woman from down the aisle, mindlessly approaching her. She sorted through some large books, and with one hand, before picking one up with a graceful ease.

“Venus is my favorite song right now.” She remarked, pleasantry on her lips, as she turned to him; glassy lavender eyes were like white against her eyeshadow. “What about you?”

Sasuke blinked. “Uh...And When He Falleth.”

Her visage warped with a thoughtfulness, nodding. “Yeah, I like that one too.” Her eyes were trained on the book, trying to place it properly. “They’re a bit old school. I’m surprised to see such a young fan.”

He tilted his head slightly. Young? He wanted to ask. She didn’t look much older than him, if at all. He could pin her three years older than him at most, and the band would still be considered ahead of her time too.

Sasuke poked his head in an victorian-themed wardrobe. “Yeah I’m...into old shit...I guess.”

He didn’t miss the way her lips twitched at that. Without looking up the woman replied,”That explains why you’re here I guess.”

The raven haired man nodded. “That explains why I’m here-well, uh-”He paused. That wasn’t true, well it was true, but-

“I’m looking for a present.” He elaborated. She took a sip from her cup and gave him her full attention.

“You work here?” Sasuke asked, lamely, might he add as if it weren’t obvious.

The woman peaked at him through long bangs, a smile at her lips, and something wistful behind i

“I own here.” She answered, “But my apologies. I should’ve introduced myself. My name is Hinata. I’m the owner and dealer of this shop.”

She was sort of...very pretty, he quickly noted, maybe too quickly. But further than that, although she looked no older than him, something about her did rightfully belong in this small antiques store. He just...couldn’t name it.

“What’s the present for?” She asked.

After explaining his predicament, Sasuke found himself following behind a magical creature. The store was somewhat cramped, and he had to shift and duck a few times making for some disjointed steps, but the woman before him was like...a floating gothic sheet of clouds hung low to the ground. Her movements were subtle and graceful. Her black lace cover up flowed behind her in an intriguing and dramatic way.

As he trailed behind her, he put his hands on some knives for the sake of it, and called ahead of her, “How did you get into Theatre of Tragedy?”

“I’ve been around.” She answered.

Sasuke glanced down at her. “So what?”

She looked him up and down once before turning around a counter to open a cupboard. “Means I’m an old soul. So I guess I also...am into ‘old shit’.” She mocked.

Sasuke smirked at her mockery leaning against the counter. “Old soul...” He mumbled. “how old?”

She hefted a large box onto the counter. “686 years to be exact.”

The dark haired male belted a low chuckle.

“Here,” She said to him opening the box with an assortment of jewelry. “It’s a 19th century French and Japanese collection. I especially like the brooches; they’re designs are more reflective of the era. See anything your mother might like?”

“You, probably.” He responded ignorant of the subtext behind it. Though it was very true his mother loved individuals with a fascination and knowledge of things she knew little about. And considering the expanse of this shop, there was much this woman could talk his mother’s ear off about.

He looked up at her to find her fighting a laugh, with a shake of the head. He felt a warmth rise to his face.

“Oh, I...I didn’t-I wasn’t trying to...”

“Flirt.” She finished for him, understanding look in her eyes, but teasing smile about her lips.

“Yeah...not that I wouldn’t. I mean-” He said opting to look at the brooches rather than her amused face. “I just, like...these are really nice.”

Hinata had surrendered to her giggles, and Sasuke tried to brush it off as he rubbed his neck, sighing at his own failing.

“I’m so sorry for laughing,” Hinata apologized holding her stomach in between fits of laughter.

Sasuke smirked. “It’s fine.” He peeled the black and red one from the box. “I think I’ll take this one.”

::

A Week Later

::

“Witch?”

“Nope.”

“Sorcerer, wizard, warlock?”

“Those aren’t all the same as witch?”

“I don’t know I’m asking you, Not-Witch.”

“I don’t know. But, still wrong.” Hinata replied dusting the wooden, creaky floor.

Sasuke sat in her chair at the counter, playing with an old toy staring at her all the while. He’d came back the day after he got the present. Though it was simply because he didn’t get a good look at the whole shop, and that was it, he supposed. While the shop itself was tiny, there was much to see, and in the meanwhile, he had a wildly likable  and likely magical witch (or rather not-witch) for a personal tour guide. Extremely personal, he hardly ever saw anyone in here but himself.

In the midst of it their proximity, Sasuke had become more and more certain of her magical not-witchery. She moved like water, didn’t have a door bell to know when people come in, but somehow always knew he had arrived, and

she knew everything.

“Mmm, nymph? Fairy?”

She shook her head, but then wore a pondering look. “I do know a nymph actually. You have one more try. I’ll even give you a hint: remember how old I told you my soul is?” Hinata looked at him with amusement; she was sure he was being funny.

“No.” He deadpanned.

Hinata turned around chuckle jostling her shoulders.“Be careful with this next one or I win.”

Sasuke squinted at her, and leaned over the counter.

“Werewolf.”

Hinata cocked her head in laughter. “You must be teasing me now. I told you I have a cat, right?”

“Nah, I definitely told you I have a cat.” Sasuke retorted slumping his chin into his arms. “I’m a bad remembererrer-er.”

“Without a doubt.”

Sasuke folded his arms together. “So what are you, Hyuga?”

“An antiques dealer,” replied she. She stopped sweeping to look at him. “And what are you, Uchiha?”

He looked thoughtful a second.

“Charming.”

She leaned into her broomstick as she heaved an amused sigh. Sasuke stared intently. He liked making her smile.

“You sure you’re not a witch? Got the whole broom stick thing-”

“No.”

::

Two Weeks after first walk in

::

“So why do you persist to congest my store further?”

Sasuke scoffed lightly. “Congest?” He asked looking around the store, devoid of other customers. “I’m practically keeping you business.”

“I believe the key word is ‘practically’. In order for that to be remotely true, Sasuke, you’d have to buy something; not loiter all day. You must find me very entreating if you insist on continuing to come without purchasing a single thing,” She ended with a smirk. 

Sasuke rejected the rather obvious notion. “It’s not because of you,” He grumbled, sliding a long spined book out of its place to open it. “I’m here for the books, I’m here for..” He squinted. “Paradise Lost.”He held up the book in hand at her. “A true classic,” He urged.

Hinata stood staring, unconvinced, but always in the mood to entertain him. “You sound very familiar.”

“That’s what happens when you read books, I guess. You know them...” He trailed off as his eyes caught sight of another title, one he actually knew.

Hinata huffed. “You’re starting to sound like....” She trailed off as she saw him towering over the glass encasement of another one of her rare editions of old literature. 

“See a read you like? One you actually know?” She teased.

Sasuke crossed his arms. “In addition to, actually,” He said, evoking a defeated sigh from her. 

“I know this one--The Witch’s Hammer. It was hard to get my hands on a hardcover copy of it. But this one looks...extremely old. Like something of a museum.”

“That’s because it’s a first edition. An original copy.”

She observed him quietly, watching as his eyes wanted over the glass, seemingly entranced by the ancientness about it. It was a grey brown old thing, but she learned how to preserve it, to a point that she could even pick it up to read herself from time to time. 

“Hn,” He grunted before unlatching himself from the glass. “Guess you are a grandma.”

Hinata gave him a pointed look. “Nice,” She said, sardonic taste about her reply.

“How much?”

“Not for sale. You’re welcome to look always. That’s not a privilege I give to all customers.”

Sasuke looked around himself. “Do you have like...ghosts for customers? Because who...else..is here besides me.”

The pleasantry in her eyes didn’t fade. “That’s for me to know.”

Sasuke’s lips parted, and closed, as he struggled to decipher the seriousness of that statement. He settled with a defeated nod, and “Okay.”, before pressing on. 

“But...can I look at it?”

Her eyebrows furrowed. “You are.”

“With my hands.”

“Didn’t know that was possible,” She admitted, as she rounded the corner to the encasement. 

“You know what I mean.”

“Your faith in my understanding of you is impressive,” She remarked unlocking the glass door. She grabbed the book carefully from its closure. “I wouldn’t usually do this, but for such a loyal ‘customer’--and I use that term loosely-- I’ll make an exception.”

She laid it out in her arms for him to take. “It’s still pretty sturdy, I’ve done well to maintain it--it might even be in better condition than some of the non-encased books here; that’s how much I like it. But, I’ll lend it to you.”

Sasuke grabbed the large heavy book from her arms and examined its exterior before tucking it away under his arm. 

“Thank you.”

She nodded to him. “Glad something here genuinely grabs your interest.”

Though of course, for him, something already had.

::

A month after first walk in

::

“Walk in front of it. I wanna see.”

She smirked. “See what?”

“Just...go. I wanna see.”

Hinata put down her coffee cup, and walked in front of the mirror.

“I can see you,” Sasuke noted.

Hint nodded slowly. “Nothing gets past you, Sasuke,” She said with a straight face walking back to her stool.

Sasuke scoffed. “You know what I meant. How come I can see a vampire in a mirror?”

“Because. This is a mirror. It reflects things. Images.”

Hinata smiled. He was all but pouting now-it was cute.

“So that old rumor is just wrong, plainly.” Sasuke said folding his arms.

Hinata smiled looking at him through the mirror. He was significantly taller, though somewhat lanky, and she did appear, at least, to be his age. His attire was black and ripped from the denim jacket to the jeans. The fine contrast of jet black hair to his skin was impossible to miss.

The young Uchiha might’ve caught her eye half a millennium ago, but the wafting charm that seemed irresistable to everyone around fell flat on the ageless woman. Though this did nothing to diminish her fondness for the boy; however,

to her, he was just that: a boy.

Crash!

She turned to find Sasuke quickly but gracelessly trying to pick up the metallic vase up off the floor, which he’d clearly dropped. She watched him with quiet humor about her eyes.

He must’ve been staring too hard again...

::

Three months After first walk in

::

“How much blood do you drink?”

Hinata paused at that question. She knew he’d come to ask about the blood eventually. Although, it was rarely how much, rather than what, how, or how often. 

“Enough.” She answered.

“where do you get it from?”

Hinata flipped another page to her book. “I have a friend at the blood bank, but occasionally animals.”

“Can I see your fangs?”

“Absolutely not.”

Sasuke looked at her strangely. “Is it like...offensive?”

She looked over to him. “Imagine I asked you to pull your pants down.”

Sasuke blinked a moment, uncertain before looking back to her. “I mean...I’d do it.”

Oh brother.

::

Five years after first walk in

::

“So, how was she?”

Sasuke stretched himself out on the chair as Hinata paused her sweeping. She looked over at him excitedly.

“She’s nice. Cute too.”

Hinata turned to him with optimism glint about her eyes. “So your date was...”

“Insufferable,” He answered.

Hinata looked to him, pitiful smile. “How so?”

“i don’t like her.”

Hinata put her broom down to refill her tea. “You just met her. Never took you for a ‘love-at-first-sight type’.”

“Yeah, don’t have much patience for anything less I guess.”

He saw her shaking her head as she poured her tea. “I’m just kidding.”

“I’d hope.” She encouraged, a smile in her voice.

“...give me five years. I’ll know.”

::

Twenty years after first walk in

::

She heard the door open and close from the back of the store, pleasantly surprised at the smell of her “customer”, whom had bought only one thing in all these years of dropping by.

He’d been visiting a lot less frequently. In fact it’d been a handful of years, if not more, since he last had come, but before then, he’d come at least biweekly, and before then, multiple times a week, if not even everyday.

Maybe she was exaggerating.

She didn’t usually keep such close track of time.

Even still, he did visit less often these days, and by a sweet twist of irony, she wanted to see him more often these days, much more often.

Though, maybe she just missed him.

She figured maybe he’d grown busy, other parts of her even thought bored. The former would make more sense though, considering his current presence. Whatever the case, she thought, setting down her broomstick to twirl around to him, she was glad he found his way-

Well.

She cleared her throat, trying to rid of her face the contorted expression she knew she might be wearing.

But she just...forgot what time could do to a person. 

When she thought or remembered Sasuke, she remembered him young. Not thirty-five. certainly not forty-some odd years either. She’d forgotten, that he was no longer twenty. That he’d grown in the span of their friendship, and that he was human, and that time was an arguably real thing for him.

His face was exactly the same, only, not quite. He wore a more...eloquent expression. Eyebrows just slightly pinched, that she remembered, but with an adult concern that she couldn’t. There, just the slightest wrinkle at the side of his pitiless black eyes and his mouth had creases beside it, and his cheeks were slightly sunken. His hair had grown, thrown back with a few black threads rebelling onto his face against the rest with whiskered greys at the side. His build had widened in muscle, but his posture carried that common burden of adulthood. And...gone was the rebellious  aesthetic: he wore a black button down shirt with some grey office slacks and dress shoes.

He wasn’t so different from last she saw him, but twenty years prior kept breaking her thoughts, and she thought maybe this was a different person. It couldn’t be helped, a younger Sasuke had came around more, spoken to her more, annoyed her more, was more familiar.

This older Sasuke was infrequent and inconsistent...and adult.

Looking around playfully, the man then turned back to her,”I’m here for the books...’Lost in paradise’, in particular.”

Hinata smiled. “I have no books of that name here, but Paradise Lost, yes, that I can do.”

“Damn.” Sasuke’s lips had twitched. “It’s been a while since I’ve picked it up for a reread.”

“Maybe if you had bothered to buy it, you’d know its name.” She responded.

He chuckled with heaviness about his voice, she wasn’t familiar. “But then I’d have no excuse to come back here, and look at other things I won’t buy.”

She observed him quietly as he rounded the corners of the store, attention captured by the subtle differences that age had committed against his mannerisms. 

“So that’s the reason.”

“Hn,” He huffed before returning his attention to her with a small smile. “It’s been some time.”

The vampire offered a light shrug. “It’s been about a month, on my timeline. No worries.”

Sasuke carefully pulled at the straight of his pant legs before settling himself slowly in his regular old stool. “It’s been too long on mine.”

How strange, a troublesome thought had perverted her mind. Her heart only beat a couple times per day, and when it did, rather mundanely so. This time, however...it was like a ricochet, and strong like...it was alive.

She inhaled deeply, sweeping her store as she routinely had been for the past century.

“I’ll assume I’m still welcome to overstay it.” His face was placid like usual, but that wink was new. 

Hinata watched him with her back turned, more mindful of his movements, evaluating the similarity of then and now. even six years ago when he’d last been, Hinata had begun to take note of the waves of adulthood ushering over him. A little less awkward, slightly more tense, equally as charismatic, which netted to zero. Maybe even richer, too. Though, that she had no interest in.

“How old are you now?” she asked.

The raven haired male paused in between flipping through Paradise Lost--he picked up the same exact copy every time. Black orbs darted to her, they seemed more intense than before.

“That’s the first time you’ve asked me that,” He remarked.

 “Now can be your first time to answer.”

“It’s offensive to ask we human adults things like that you know?” He said, a mischievous glint about his eyes. 

“Really? I hear it’s only rude if you’re old.”

“I’m forty-two,” He replied, with a quickness about it that made her laugh. He went to looking back to the book. “For some reason I assumed you’d always known. But why do you ask?”

Hinata resumed her sweeping with a joke on her lips, “And you were a mere, what? Seventeen, sixteen--when you first walked in here?”

Sasuke’s eyes found her. “I was about to be twenty. Jesus. That’s how annoying I was?”

She laughed at his bewilderment. “It was endearing.”

“God, save your pity.”

Pausing her chore, she looked to him. “So how’s life? How is Sakura?”

A coldness befell him, that she wasn’t expecting. 

“Our wedding was beautiful,” He started. She blinked; he’d gotten married to her? “But our divorce really takes the cake I’d say.”

Hinata dusted the inside of a wardrobe. “I...I’m sorry to hear that,” She was, but her mind was skidding a little. He’d gotten married? And she knew nothing of it? She was almost sure ten plus years of friendship just might earn one a wedding invitation. Though she withheld any selfish thoughts or ideas--they’d been estranged for some time, after all.

“I’m not. Christ, I’m never marrying anyone for my mother’s sake again.”

She chuckled lightly as she retreated to her side of the counter, to finish her cup of tea, and watched him quietly. She couldn’t help but study this new Sasuke. It really did feel like such short time ago when he was full faced and somewhat cheeky and quick to retort. 

“You got married...when?”

He sighed. “About a year and half after I stopped coming here. Finalized that divorce a couple months ago.”

Sasuke never missed those eyes when they were trained on him. Mainly because it wasn’t often that she actually did look at him. She’d usually be in her duties or already know what he was doing without turning to him; he supposed he never had a good excuse to be seen by her. Though now, she was being rather overt.

“I must look extremely odd to you, if time flies the way it does for you.”

He watched her take a sip from her tea, lavender eyes--starkly illuminated by that dark eye makeup--still glued to him even from behind her cup, and an imperceivable emotion behind them.

“Mhm,” She agreed setting her mug down. “You’ve grown, Sasuke.”

He blinked slowly down at the counter, unsure of how to respond to that--he felt like it’s something his relatives would say to him twenty some odd years ago, not an antiques dealer he can’t seem to leave alone. 

He huffed. “Tryna call me old now?”

She joked, “Aren’t you?” 

“Nah.”

Her face was telling, and she was, in a word, unconvinced. 

His eyes challenged hers, before moving his leg out from under the counter. “I’m gonna extend my knee. If you don’t hear anything, I’m young as can be.”

“Is that a fair risk for your joints?”

She saw his leg twitch, but his eyes didn’t waiver. 

He hesitated.“No,” He replied breaking into a smile. “Yeah it’s true. I’m old as shit.”

“Welcome to the club, my friend.”

::

A week later

::

Infatuated...She didn’t quite like that word. No, it wasn’t fitting. Maybe she was just being particular about the whole thing...she hadn’t felt like this for a long time. She’d never been so...

smitten--that’s the word.

She didn’t remember the last time she’d been so smitten on a human.

More conversely, she didn’t remember the last time she’d been this smitten without an ounce of reciprocation. 

The new Sasuke had grown to be a stone wall, save for the occasional sarcastic comments; but with respect to her affection, everything seemed to be falling flat. He was ignorant of everything she threw to him.

She reached behind the counter, embarrassed almost, but mostly proud. Though still, she’s never had to...be so obvious.

She subtly turned from her book, to see his nose trapped in one as well--he was a bit quieter than he used to be.

“Sasuke, I have something for you.”

He looked away from his book to meet her gaze. Hinata plopped the plant on the counter. 

“It’s a piece of my garden--my tomato garden. I remember you’ve always liked when I brought them, so you can have some of it for yourself. If you want, of course. I don’t mind taking it back home,” Hinata explained.

His smile was ear to ear. “I...thought I smelled something earthy, but I was not expecting this.” He got up out his chair. “This is kind of-wow. Thank you.” 

She crossed her arms satisifed at his reaction. “So, do you think you’ll need any help planting it?”

He shook his head, looking it over. “Nah...but if worse comes to worse, I’ll look up a video. And if worse actually comes to worse, I’ll...probably call my mother for a tip or two.”

Hinata nodded at him. “Okay, well I’m free to help as well.”

Sasuke huffed, amused. “Even my back can handle a simple planting job like this one on my own.”

Smiling softly, she concede with a nod of the head, ignoring her growing plight. This may be more cause for trouble than she hoped.

::

Two weeks later

::

She had always seemed older to him. Even now, when she looked how she did, she gave off an air of wisdom and certainty that could rival the physical laws of nature. But it was extra weird now because he looked older than her, and sort of did feel like it, but things were still uncertain to him. He honestly just didn’t like how it felt being attracted to someone who looked, that young...maybe even just a couple years short of being his kid, but was simultaneously old enough to make his own intellect cower.

Sasuke glanced over at her, balancing his weight on the back legs of the chair.

“What is that?” He asked, referring to the book which seemingly captured all of her attention.

She hardly looked up. “Conjuring ways to seduce you.”

Shock. Then confusion, crashed onto his eyebrows.

 And fixed his seat, slamming it to the floor. “Wh...I...that’s not even wha-”

“I know.” Hinata muttered. He might’ve thought she were kidding if not the dejected look she wore on her face as she browsed the contents of her book.

“Seduce me?”

“Mhm.”

He was silent a moment. “Hn...” He grunted, thoughtful, but then a thought came to mind. “Why are you....why am I suddenly something worth being ‘seduced’?”

Hinata removed her hand from under her chin, to turn a page in her book. “I do recall saying sometime ago...I’m into, well how you put it: ‘old shit’. But really, I’m just an antiques dealer. Things, to me, become more beautiful with time; when they have a nice layer of dust, or wrinkles coating them in life.”

Sasuke faced her from around the counter, looking seriously at her. “Is this you’re way...of calling my wrinkles sexy?”

Hinata shook her head, amused at his ability to make humor of anything. She also wanted to tell him, that he had hardly any wrinkles to look twice at. And also that forty-two, realistically, was somewhat far from old.

But she also watched the way he was watching her, and it was tentative but fond, but not akin to how it used to be. She released a low huff of dismay.

“What a pity,” She started with a sad smile. “You don’t like me anymore.” She said crossing her arms.

She wanted to roll her eyes at the onset of denseness as he looked at her confused. He was getting ready to dispute it, she knew, on the basis that her friendship meant a lot to him, and absolutely nothing meaningful to her in the moment.

Sasuke’s brows pinched. “That’s insane,” he said.

Hinata met his challenge. “Not entirely.”

“No. You’re-” His expression made a weird change she couldn’t pin point before   relaxing.

“I more than liked you, Hinata,” he stated making an obvious face, like she were dense. “I didn’t come by because I more than liked you, and thought maybe I should give these emotions to someone else. I mean that didn’t...work, but-” He cleared his throat. “i’m here again. And I still...more than like you.”

::

A/N: Yeah that ending...will be edited lol, but hope you somewhat enjoyed. Through it all, I honestly enjoyed writing this AU and I absolutely loved exploring those little pieces of art and literature you threw to give the AU some more richness. It was extremely fun to do, and I added some books on my to-read list lol, anyway it’s super late but Happy Holidays ! @fher43

#sasuhina #shss2018 #the characterization: off #especially with Sasuke #idk its not as good as it could've been but i just felt bad about not having put it out yet :// #I'm probably coming back to edit for sure #bc this was such a cute concept

[niktizzy]

*~feeling nostalgic for myspace surveys~* 

1) Sexuality?

Straight

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

This is probably a lame answer but, I think Gronk would be cool to hang with

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

So this is embarrassing, I don’t have any books upstairs yet 

4) What do you think about most?

Work, money, why do people make noise when their running away from a killer in a horror movie or run upstairs

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“Aye can you order me 2 chicken tacos “

6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Depends on my mood and what season it is lol

7) What’s your strangest talent?

I have a rather good green thumb

8) Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)

Girls are beautiful 

Boys are back in town

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Not that I know of

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?

Probably a year or so, I really want to dive back into it though

11) Do you have any strange phobias?

I just like to have things clean and not cluttered but my car and room are a bit messy lol 

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

I have a hoop in my nose

13) What’s your religion?

I guess like a Christian? Idk, I have my own beliefs

14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Working 

15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind it 100% 

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Oof, at the moment, either Belmont or Trash Boat. All time has to be either Neck Deep or Blink

17) What was the last lie you told?

I’m fine

18) Do you believe in karma?

A B S O L U T L E Y 

19) What does your URL mean?

Nothing really, just my screen name, which is my wanna be rap name lol

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Very trusting is my weakness. My greatest strength is honestly keeping up walls and head strong

21) Who is your celebrity crush?

Michael B. Jordan

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Lol a lonnnnng time ago

23) How do you vent your anger?

I usually just bottle it up or I talk to my dad

24) Do you have a collection of anything?

I use to collect snow globs but now I seem to just collect house stuff lol. I want to start collecting dvds or like plants? Idk lol

25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

I love talking on the phone tbh

26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

So far, yes. I am proud of the person I have become but I’m still growing

27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

VELCRO I HATE THAT SOUND. Waves crashing and thunderstorms are my go to sounds

28) What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if I never went to college and just got experience 

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Spirits and yes, absolutely 

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

My coffee and nothing I’m on my couch haha

31) Smell the air. What do you smell?

This amazing candle from yankee candle

32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

Toledo lol nah but really

33) Choose East Coast or West Coast?

West Coast

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Thousand Below’s singer is hot af

35) To you, what is the meaning of life?

I have a multiple of ideals, we are born to die is one. The other is to go through life and learning and developing different ways to survive so in the next life, you have a better transition. But again, who knows  

36) Define Art.

Something you feel 

37) Do you believe in luck?

Yes

38) What’s the weather like right now?

FREEZING COLD

39) What time is it?

12:40pm

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

I do, when I was like 17. I was going 5mph, women ran a red light, boom

41) What was the last book you read?

The Amityville Horror

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Love it

43) Do you have any nicknames?

Nik

44) What was the last movie you saw?

Halloweentown

45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Any of my broken bones lol

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?

Not really

47) Do you have any obsessions right now?

Finding horror movie posters lol

48) What’s your sexual orientation?

Heterosexual 

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Oh yeah lol

50) Do you believe in magic?

I honestly do 

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Sadly I do

52) What is your astrological sign?

Libra

53) Do you save money or spend it?

Save it, I only go to work and pay bills and get food

54) What’s the last thing you purchased?

Groceries 

55) Love or lust?

We are all hoping for love and we usually get lust lol

56) In a relationship?

Nah

57) How many relationships have you had?

Real ones? A handful 

58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Nope lol

59) Where were you yesterday?

I was at work all day 

60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Nope

61) Are you wearing socks right now?

No

62) What’s your favorite animal?

The hammer head shark

63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

I tried flirting, but I think just being relatable or being myself

64) Where is your best friend?

Lauren

65) Spit or swallow?(;

Neither

66) What is your heritage?

Native American and Irish 

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Sleeping, I was OUT

68) What do you think is Satan’s last name?

I feel like he doesn’t have one, it’s kind of like Cher 

69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

No one else is going to do it lol

70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

I mean yeah, I think I’m pretty cool

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Grab the dog and take him to work with me, it’s like a doctors slip but you know, it’s a dog

72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) I wouldn’t tell anyone

b) I would continue living but spend more time with people that matter and just make sure everything and everyone is taken care of

73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Love

74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Gold Steps- Neck Deep or Faithfully- Journey

75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

****

76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

What makes things work is having similar interest. Most of my relationships were just awful because they were either wayyy into left field with my interest or didn’t even have the same ones all together. I think you need to be each others best friends, be able to be comfortable with each others company 

77) How can I win your heart?

Tacos, beer, horror movies, sports

78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

All signs point to yes

79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Putting myself before anyone else

80) What size shoes do you wear?

Depends on the shoe, most of the time 9.5

81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Believe with UFO’s on it

82) What is your favorite word?

Cowabunga 

83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

A bloody mess that keeps you alive in your chest cavity 

84) What is a saying you say a lot?

Honestly, literally, fook, fuck, dude

85) What’s the last song you listened to?

I was listening to this playlist https://open.spotify.com/user/spotify/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX3MU5XUozve7?si=SS24TA9sTG6L5bFZ8W_feQ

86) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

If you look in my closet it’s mostly black, gray, and maroon. I’m trying to like mustard but eh 

87) What is your current desktop picture?

Desert 

88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Someone from my past

89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

Why do you were a mask every time you step out of your house?

90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Keep the light on because it’s obviously a full moon and they live from the moon light and try to find an exit quietly 

91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Jumper aka teleportation 

92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Warped tour 2011

93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

No comment

94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

OOOOF probably Winston McCall 

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Australia 

96) Do you have any relatives in jail?

Not that I know of

97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Not that I remember

98) Ever been on a plane?

Yes only 2 times

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, MIND YA BUSINESS AND GRIND 

#myspace survey #survey #truths

[fallenloverecords]

Interview: Pickle Darling

Hi lovers! Here at Fallen Love headquarters we periodically interview people that we adore in order to shine a spotlight on our wonderful pop planet. We post all those interviews right here for your education and enjoyment.

Pickle Darling is the bedroom pop of Lukas Mayo from Christchurch, New Zealand. Fallen Love head Harley interviewed Lukas through a 16-hour time zone warp on a Sunday/Monday. Fallen Love Records: Who is Lukas Mayo? How did Pickle Darling come to be? Lukas: Lukas Mayo is some insecure loser from Christchurch, New Zealand. Pickle Darling is me taking my innermost insecurities and making dumb redemptive pop songs out of them. It feels more "me" than Lukas Mayo does. I'd been in a few bands and collaborations growing up which were all fruitful but ultimately incredibly hard. I think I was way too self-indulgent at those times and I was terrible at compromise. I would rather have had something suck but be true to me than be "good" and not be a great representation of myself. Since then I've grown as a person and I think I'd be a much better collaborator now. FLR: This past April you released your first EP of original songs, Spring Onion Pancakes. How did the track listing come about? L: I've been writing songs for as long as I can remember and those were kind of just the six most recent! I was also in a five-year relationship which had just suddenly ended and the EP kept me out of wallowing in self-pity. It's upbeat and colourful because I wanted to make sure that all my songs were full of love and humour and kindness and friendship. It's still a sad EP to me but I'm super glad that people don't think of my music as sad music. Most of it was written when I was in class though which is probably why all the lyrics are basically "I suck and I'm a loser" 'cause that's how I generally felt at Polytech. lol FLR: What are spring onion pancakes like? My research says it's a traditional Chinese dish. L: Oh yeah, I've only actually had them once. The bus station in town has a place that makes them. I was with my friends Heather, Isaac, and Nico and we had just watched a movie and then got spring onion pancakes together. My hands were all greasy on the bus ride home, though. (Sorry, Christchurch Metro Bus services.) My EP is so hard to search for on Google 'cause you have to wade through three pages of recipes. FLR: Does anyone make spring onion pancakes with pickles? That would be a search engine nightmare. L: There's some weird stuff when you google Pickle Darling. There's another Facebook page which is just a cat called Pickle Darling. I'm hoping if I get a Pitchfork feature one day, they accidentally get in touch with whoever runs that page and they do an interview on my behalf. It would probably be more interesting than me, to be honest. FLR: I'm actually interviewing the other Pickle Darling tomorrow. It's part of a dueling interview series I'm doing. Like when I interviewed Kevin Shields and the director of the slasher movie My Bloody Valentine. L: lmao I avoided My Bloody Valentine for years thinking they were Bullet For My Valentine. FLR: On the topic of your hometown, what is the music scene like in Christchurch? I can't say I really hear any Dunedin sound in your music. L: I don't feel hugely involved in the Christchurch music scene. I haven't done many gigs and kinda bypassed it and went straight to the internet. That sounds kind of douchey of me. I have mad love for a lot of Christchurch artists. There are heaps of super talented people here who make amazing music and people have reached out to me and shown me so much kindness but I spend most nights by myself just going for walks around Opawa or watching films or reading. I'm not a super regular gig attendee. I go to maybe one a month and I'm always the least cool person there. It's cool, though, I enjoy it when I do go. And I'm slowly feeling more and more involved in the Christchurch music scene as people become a bit more aware of what I do. I feel like locals will see me on the internet and be like "Hey, that's that dweeb I see walking around town all the time. Weird." FLR: You only played live for the first time this year, right? How has that side of things been? L: I feel like such a fraud 'cause I've had such great opportunities handed to me right off the bat. My first gig was in a library for NZ Music Month and we were playing with my friend Luke's band EgoValve. That was fun and super low-key and about five people were there and they were all under the age of nine. Richard from Glass Vaults (great guy and great band) heard my Radio NZ interview and got in touch with me and our second gig was opening for Glass Vaults. My third gig was opening for Kane Strang, who I have so much love for. During sound check I was just like "Oh my god, are you Kane Strang? Is your real name actually Kane Strang? I love you, Kane Strang. Your album is great, Kane Strang. Oh my god, you are really Kane Strang. Hi, I'm Lukas. Oh my god, you are Kane Strang." Those two shows were sold out and I had my friends Isaac, Nico, Marcus, and Cameron in my band and they were just fun, positive nights. My fourth gig is going to be at Nostalgia Festival, which also has Connan Mockasin and The Chills. I'm so incredibly blessed with all this stuff.

FLR: For the EP you did a run of cassettes through Slovakian label Z Tapes and a limited run of lathe cut seven-inches on your own. Is having a physical product important to you? Some artists are content to just toss their songs online for streaming and downloading and call it a day. L: I want to be the most working class bedroom pop star out. I love the idea of just sitting in my room making stuff myself and packaging stuff myself and getting my fingerprints on everything and having a merch table with things I've made on it. I just want to make things. Z Tapes did all the tapes, though, which was such a relief and such an honour. Filip is really a hero of Bandcamp. He believed in me from the very start and now they're doing a second run of my EP on tape and it's great. The lathe cuts look cool. I'm super proud of them. My friends Heather Reid Van Gerwen and Noah Mead handled the art side of things, which is why they look so beautiful. I'm always going to want to make a physical thing. I mean all physical media is outdated now so if you're going to do physicals, do something fun and creative with it. Also I'm doing a Christmas tape with Heather and she's painting little pictures to go with them. FLR: What's the most exciting location you've received an order from so far? L: I get a lot of orders from Japan, which is so cool, as well as heaps from the States. It's exciting that the majority of the orders are from outside of New Zealand. It's not just my friends buying my stuff out of pity. There are actual people out there that are listening to my stuff and willing to spend money on it. I'm super grateful for them. I really want to be able to play in those places one day. FLR: I feel you. My label almost never gets any orders from within Canada but I've got a handful of regular customers in Germany and Spain. Each of those orders keeps me going and makes me feel like this is all worth it. L: Definitely! It makes it feel so real, right? FLR: Switching topics: what's your favorite film that hasn't had a Criterion DVD release but totally deserves one? L: Ooh I love this question. Hmm... Oddly enough one of my goals (actually my only goal 'cause I hate goals) is to be successful enough to get invited into the Criterion closet. But hmmm... These are probably pleb picks but I'd love: Happy Together (1997) or just more Wong Kar-Wai in general; Synecdoche, New York (2008); Quiet City (2007); Careful (1992); and Funny Ha Ha (2002) in the collection. Also some Barry Jenkins! These are probably pleb picks, though. Also, shout out to my friends Martin (who directed my video) and Julia who give me good film recommendations. Joe Swanberg is a big influence on my work ethic. He made, like, 30 films in seven years or something. If anyone reads this interview, please send me film recommendations on Twitter! FLR: My top rec is Marty (1955) starring Ernest Borgnine. He's a lonely 34 year-old butcher who lives with his mother and is afraid he'll never fall in love. It's basically the film equivalent of a bedroom pop song. L: Dude, I'm totally going to check that one out! I haven't heard of that one! I reckon my film equivalent of a bedroom pop song is Hannah Takes The Stairs. I sampled that on my EP. My friend Julia recommended that one to me actually. I put that movie on all the time just to listen to. I don't even watch it now. I just put it on while I'm doing housework to listen to Greta Gerwig's dialogue. I love how that film sounds. I love their voices. FLR: What's one question you've never been asked in an interview that you would love to be asked someday? L: An interview question I'd love to be asked is "Hi, I'm Evan from Pinegrove. Do you want to open for my band?" and the answer would be "Yes, Evan from Pinegrove." Actually I'd love to be asked what I'm listening to at the moment. FLR: And finally, what does 2018 look like for Pickle Darling? I hear your first album is nearly finished. L: 2018 will be big for me personally but small for my fans. What I mean by that is I'm going to be working on a lot of stuff but probably not releasing a huge amount until it's all done. I'm doing an album. It's ten tracks and it's going to be awesome. There's a song called "Nicolas Cage" and I think it's my best song. My friend Josiah has a feature on it. Matt Gunn is helping out with the production and I think he is a literal angel from heaven. I'm going to do a bunch of music videos too. I want to tour. I want to do bigger physicals like vinyl and CD's and stuff like that. I just want to make more stuff. Pickle Darling on Facebook Pickle Darling on Twitter

#interviews #Pickle Darling #scouting report #bedroom pop #Christchurch #New Zealand

[unorthodoxsavvy]

Taggity-Tagged

Wowie so I got tagged by my friend Ginny, or @dead-nightingale to answer these 92 truths about yourself (myself). And at the end I’m going to tag 25 people.

Here we go!!

THE LAST

1. Drink: Hot Chocolate

2. Phone Call: My boyfriend last night

3. Text Message: “When I was trying to fall asleep last night, Cece was walking on my side and trying to find a spot to lay down on me. And then this morning she laid down on my stomach and I was petting her.” from my boyfriend.

4. Song You Listened To: I’m listening to “Wanting More” by Memphis May Fire.

5. Time You Cried: Sunday. 

HAVE YOU EVER

6. Dated Someone Twice: No, haha, no one makes that mistake twice

7. Been Cheated On: No

8. Kissed Someone And Regretted It: No.

9. Lost Someone Special: Yeah. On my birthday.

10. Been Depressed: My entire life??? Okay, kidding. But yes, I have PDD.

11. Gotten Drunk and Thrown Up: No, I don’t drink.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS

12. Metallic silvery-blue.

13. Black

14. Aqua

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

15. Made New Friends: Only like 50, give or take.

16. Fallen Out of Love: Yeah, but not completely, and I was still willing to try and right myself because I know it was all just because of the amount of confusing things going on at the time.

17. Laughed Until You Cried: Probably?

18. Found Out Someone Was Talking About You: Yeah, and I thought it was fucking hilarious.

19. Met Someone Who Changed You: Yeah................................. let’s not talk about that right now

20. Found Out Who Your True Friends Are: This year was the year of finding out who my true friends are lmao. And sometimes I was wrong. I’m glad my real friends pulled through despite my doubts about them.

21. Kissed Someone On Your Facebook: The day I own a Facebook is the day I’ll send myself to a Nunnery. 

22. How Many of Your Facebook Friends Do You Know in Real Life: Seriously? Let Facebook burn in the pits of hell.

23. Do You Have Any Pets: Yeah, I temporarily have a pet cat, I have an old doggo some of you might know named Bailey, I have Marian, of course, my gecko, and a fish named Vic. We used to also have Kellin but we don’t have Kellin anymore.

24. Do You Want To Change Your Name: Yes. My middle name can burn in the puts of hell next to Facebook. 

25. What Did You Do For Your Last Birthday: Shit what did I do? Uhhhhhhhh.... let me ask my boyfriend. Well he doesn’t know either. OH! I remember: I made a weird cake with cookie dough and stuff and we had other cake and I went to Boston for a Teen Author convention and also my mom’s best friend died and I cried on my boyfriend a lot. I think I kind of blocked that day out of my memory.

26. What Time Did You Wake Up: 8:30ish

27. What Were You Doing at Midnight Last Night: Watching Gintama lmao

28. Name Something You Cannot Wait For: WARPED TOUR, PRIDE, and LOCAL AGRICULTURE FAIRS! And for me to actually get a job.

29. When Was The Last Time You Saw Your Mother: Between 10-11 last night.

30. What is One Thing You Wish You Could Change About Your Life: Getting a job :’) plz someone hire me :’) I know I’ve only applied like 2 places but like c’mon

31. What Are You Listening To Right Now: Chemical Kids and Mechanical Brides

32. Have You Ever Talked To a Person Named Tom: Yes, I have. 

33. Something That Is Getting On Your Nerves: People flirting with other people and me whoops. Me flirting with other people. Myself. People. Trump. The not-so-slow decline of humanity. My own saltiness rn.

34. Most Visited Website: Google

35. Elementary: Like elementary school? There was cool art on the pillars outside the office. I met my best friend there and had my first kiss in elementary school. Someone threw a brick at my friend’s head. I was smol and had long blonde hair. Someone who I’m now friends with pushed me and I fractured my wrist and the school told me I was exaggerating and didn’t even tell my mom what had happened and she said that when she reached for my arm to like help me out of the car I would pull away and finally she took me to the doctor’s and found out and she was pissed at the school. I got stuck in the playground. Field Day was fun. I miss the sketch playground they had.

36. High School: 

Freshman Year

What to heck I actually have friends, I’m popularish? People don’t treat me like shit? Boys are flirting with me? I have drama? What? I’m so confused. I’m going to just stick with playing with the animals in the barn and crying over the fact I forgot to put my seatbelt on the first time on the tractor. The Golden Trio. 

Sophomore Year

First real boyfriend

Traumatic experiences ----->emo

Junior Year

I’m emo

DNT TOUCH MEH

I LIKE GIRLS??????????

Wow that fanfiction though

Wow I have a crush on a Trans Guy? Guess I really am bi

Wow I’m dating a Trans Guy (it needs to be caps in my head, sorry lol) Guess I am bi but also can we appreciate what a cute fucking bean he is???

Omg! Full time Natural Resources Student! The Dream Come True!

Depression

Anxiety

Senior Year

I hate you all

I hate you too Emory

If you don’t want to hang out with me that’s fine but don’t expect me to hang out with you.

Wow all my friends desserted me.

What friends

Oh those friends

Yeah they aren’t my friends today

Wow I’m some elite choir student

My choir teacher is still sketchy af

My natural resources teacher is actually letting us pick him out an outfit to buy at GAP.

My natural resources teacher’s wife is actually letting us browse for like an hour and 45 minutes in Barnes and Nobels looking for That Gay Shit

We didn’t find That Gay Shit but I bought a Fun. album and DAPGO so that’s pretty much the same thing

I’m pretty sure we all just outted ourselves to our teacher’s wives

Wow I’m making an album

Wow I’m not taking any real classes I’m just passing the time cuddling dogs

Wow friends from Freshman Year throwback

California is Gay

Boston wasn’t supposed to be Gay but we snuck into Pride

I cried a lot during graduation because at that point a bunch of people were horrible to me and I couldn’t take it anymore but then also my teacher got me a scholarship and I cried during that too

Let’s party and stay up at school until 5:30am

37. College/University: What’s college

38. Hair Color: 50 shades of cool colors but not green

39. Long Hair or Short Hair: Shorter than a Corgi’s tail

40. Do You Have A Crush On Someone: Yeah, and I really wish I didn’t.

41. What Do You Like About Yourself: Gay

42. Piercings: Over my needlephobic body

43. Blood Type: Does anyone actually know this? I’d kill someone before I’d let them near enough to me to find out

44. Nickname: Savvy

45. Relationship Status: (If you didn’t get this by now, I’m dating @ancient-hero)

46. Zodiac Sign: Libra af

47. Pronouns: She/her

48. Favorite TV Show: Fairy Tail

49. Tattoos: I waaaaaaant but neeeeeeeeedles

50. Right or Left Hand: Righty

FIRST

51. Surgery: None

52. Piercing: Ears in 3rd grade

54. Sport: Dance

55. Vacation: Gosh idk I was probably still in the womb

56. Pair of Trainers: What? How about first pair of Converse? I like that better. My first pair of Converse was in like 6th grade and my friend was like “ohmigod, how have you never owned a pair of Converse before? They’re your shoe.”

57. Eating: What does this even mean?????? How about this: the first time I ate blueberry pie, it was heavenly and I was in Maine and now I love blueberry pie.

58. Drinking: Let’s talk alcohol.I said I don’t drink, and that’s true. My first alcohol was this year, my mom gave us champagne. That doesn’t count as drinking, we all know that.

59. I’m About To: Keep writing this post. And doing all the other tags I’ve been tagged in, and then try and schedule them so I don’t flood people with useless info about me. I might take a break though because I’ve been here almost an hour.

60. Listening To: Bulls in the Bronx.

61. Waiting For: A Sign A Job Me to stop catching feelings Warped Tour

62. Want: Warped Tour!!! (And more specifically to actually know bands and songs playing more than I do now. I’m trying to crash course myself in bands like a week before again)

63. Get Married: YES YES YES

64. Career: Music Video Producer and Storyboarder and Filmer

YOUR TYPE

65. Hugs or Kisses: Hugs

66. Lips or Eyes: Eyes

67. Shorter or Taller: Ahhhhhhh I’ve had a bit of both idk which one I like better maybe shorter cause I’m short anyone “tall” towers over me

68. Older of Younger: Older 

70. Nice Arms or Nice Stomach: ??? A girl is a girl?? A boy is a boy?? I don’t like buff people? I like squishy people??

71. Sensitive or Loud: Both! I want both, dammit! I can’t take just one or the other, it won’t work.

72. Hook Up or Relationship: I wouldn’t know.

73. Troublemaker or Hesitant: Once again, both. Either of a lot is too much. I feel like most people I’m comparing are polar opposites and that’s why things haven’t/aren’t working.

HAVE YOU EVER

74. Kissed a Stranger: NO BUT I WANT TO (just not while dating anyone)

75. Drank Hard Liquor: Still no

76. Lost Glasses/Contact Lenses: Who owns a pair who hasn’t? If you own either you have.

77. Turned Someone Down: Lmao no

78. Sex on First Date: Nooooooooo

79. Broken Someone’s Heart: Once again, hasn’t everyone? And if they haven’t, they will.

80. Had Your Heart Broken: Once again, hasn’t everyone? And if they haven’t, they will.

81. Been Arrested: No, but had the cops called on me, yes.

82. Cried When Someone Died: Yes, on my birthday, in my kitchen, on my boyfriend.

83. Fallen For a Friend: I don’t fall for anyone seriously who isn’t a friend.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN...

84. Yourself: Yes.

85. Miracles: Yes.

86. Love at First Sight: It’s called lust, look it up.

87. Santa Claus: No, sorry.

88. Kiss on First Date: Sure, that’s cute.

89. Angels: No

OTHER...

90. Current Best Friend’s Name: Olivia. Best friends since Kindergarten. Just with a few gaps and rough patches.

91. Eye Color: Blue

92. Favorite Movie: Stand By Me

Wow I need a break before I even tag anyone.

Okay, so after everyone’s read through all this nonsense, here is to whome I bestow this task:

First off I probably owe @ancient-hero to be tagged since he’s mentioned so much.

@articulate-mess, @teatowelhowell, @sleepyphil, @danisthirsty, @weirdkidstories, @fondan, @pocketcow, @memory--ghost, @mymagnificentself, @gods-not-on-a-flatbread, @cushionstaxk, @xloonaticbloodx, @liabilitylester, @kendellisnotonfire, @smoltheatrekid, @softcharizard, @vgetables, @thebookofmadison, @infidany, @i-craft-ladders, @alecdoesnotmakepie, @astonishowell, @deadpan-trashcan @smolphaniel

Wow, okay, cool. Obviously if you don’t want to do it I’m not going to fly to you and kick down your door and make you. So, have fun, do the thing if you want, sorry if not, and have a nice day!

[hoshyeoms]

THERE'S SO MANY INTERESTING ONES 😩 1 4 13 18 20 31 40 43 47 49 54 69 83 94 96

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors closed or open? 

okayokayokay so almost a year ago I moved up to where I am now, and my first room in the first house we were in (literally lived there my whole life) my closet was a metal pipe connected to the ceiling that I just hung jackets on. THEN last christmas we moved cause our neighbors weren’t nice people and kept upsetting my grandparents, so they had a special room built for me downstairs, but funny thing is I don’t have a closet. I just keep everything in a dresser thing and on my couch. 😅😂😂

4. Last song you listened to ? 

Fade Away (JB’s solo) from Verse #2! it’s definitely one of my favorite’s from the album! 

13. Do you sing in the shower? 

😂😂 I do, I got a bluetooth speaker that I always connect to my ipod and just jam out. I don’t have a heater in my room so sometimes when I get cold I sit on my bathroom floor with the heater on, and I get bored so I end up like full out performing pieces from musicals (mostly shrek cause i miss my theatre program from school) 

18. Do you collect anything? 

I do! I have a strong collection of Funko Pop figures! I have about 14 now, once I get a shelf and more space I’ll probably get some more. I also have a binder of photocards/post cards/stickers too! Idk how many I have though (cause it’s 2am and I’m too lazy to pull it out my drawer) 

20. Do you dance in the car? 

Oddly enough, if I’m not driving, no. I have a really bad habit of getting deep in thought when I’m not driving. But if I am, hooo boiii it’s a party. My windows are always down, radio turned up and I’m just jamming! When I first got into kpop and still worked at the makeup store, I was listening to War of Hormone and these girls in the car next to me literally died of laughter cause I was just getting so lit! I always record myself dancing in my car in parking lots on snapchat too, it’s wild! 

31. Dogs or Cats? 

 Can I say both?? 😂😂 I work with dogs and can’t help but love them! But I’ve always wanted a cat cause I used to babysit navy families kids while the husbands were deployed and the wives wanted to go out together. For some reason, they all owned cats and I would always wake up in the middle of the night with the cats asleep laying on my chest or cuddled into my sides! My dad promised me once we move into our own house he’ll let me adopt a cat from work ! 😍😍

40. Do you have any obsessions now? 

ofc kpop and my got7 bbys, but other than that not really??? i’m really into game of thrones (except i still haven’t seen this season oops) but i wouldn’t call that obsessed. i’m obsessed with sleep and food lol 

43. Do you have strange dreams? 

I’m one of those weirdos that doesn’t dream. Idk why, but I just don’t. On the rare occasion I do, it’s probably about my friends or smthn. 

47. If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want the performer to be? 

I’d love to say GOT7, but I’m scared to go to a show with a huge crowd. I don’t do them often and when I do I always end up getting hurt. The last one I did was warped tour and it was a lot of fun, but I had so many crowdsurfers dropped on me cause people weren’t supporting them like they should, and I was slammed into the barricade so hard during beartooth that I messed up some muscles in my left hand. So I gotta go with seeing Felly again, or definitely like Glass Animals! 

49. Are you a heavy sleeper? 

It depends where I am. At my mom’s no, but that’s because we had a lot of family issues causing me to not sleep at all. Here at dad’s, yes. My sister told me she climbed in my bed the other night and slept next to me for 2 hours cause she got scared, and I had no idea until she told me the next day. Like I could have lived my whole life never knowing at all. 😂😂

54. Put your music on shuffle, what’s the first song that came up? 

4U - blackbear (oooh, great song) 

69. (lol) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free? 

 okay i was supposed to go camping at my friend’s house last week and planned on sleeping in my car for the pure fact i was too lazy to pitch a tent, but i didn’t end up going. but it just depended where i was. if i felt more on the unsafe side, i would take the motel for the sake of locked doors that no one can see behind??? but if i felt safe, you bet ur ass i’m sleeping in the trunk of my car since i drive a mini van lol 

83. Do you sleep with your bedroom door open, or closed? 

 I close AND lock it! I was home alone one night and started hearing things in my living room (we have 2. 1 upstairs, and 1 downstairs) start falling and being thrown around and it scared the crap out of me! so for some reason i was like lol if someone is coming to kill me and my doors locked, they’re just not gonna kill me. They can’t get past a locked door!  😂🤦

94. Name something that relaxes you

I listen to a lot of vibey music and wrap myself up like a burrito in my duvet with my blue lights on. Sometimes I play my ukulele and just sing stupid loud! 

96. Favorite YouTuber? 

TODDY SMITH 😍😍😍 HE WAVED AT ME AT VIDCON AND I LITERALLY CALLED MY SISTER CRYING I WAS SO EXCITED!  besides Todd’s weirdo self, I have many (and I met like all of them at VidCon omg I died). I just spend my life watching YouTube videos 

[artificialqueens]

GGG: Girl, Get a Grip! Ch.1 (Alaskatox) - chykopon

A/N: a huge thanks goes first of all to @spokywrites, because without her suggestion i would have already dropped this story, but foremost to @mistressaq, who patiently beta’d this chapter and thaught me a lot about english, lol - she’s such a cutie, and i won’t ever stop thanking her for all the work she put into this; without her, this story wouldn’t even be here ;; (you can find the prologue to this story onto the story tag, and i recommend to read that first) [13K words] A chapter in which Justin realises Matt is just like a Kandinsky’s painting, and Matthew himself has the most clarifying talk he had ever had. 

He was a bit surprised to read Matt’s name on the screen, and he opened the message out of curiosity.

“We broke up.”

Justin read the message few times, before realizing what it meant, thoughts rumbling in his head as if he couldn’t believe what was written there; Cory’s face deformed in a disgusted expression as hot tea drooled from his brother’s mouth in disbelief. Lasky wasn’t really used to shocking news, to the point he simply stopped functioning correctly…

«What?!» he almost screamed, even though nobody was really listening or watching what he was doing. Cory, still startled, was jumping on his seat and cursing towards his big bro.  

«The fuck happened?» he asked from the other side of the table.

Justin’s only reply was a puzzled look. He found himself blinking few times, desperately trying to process what he had just read. There was such a casual look in that simple message, that Justin couldn’t actually believe Matt – who was always a reserved person, more reserved than an introvert like Lasky had always been – had written it. Moreover to the fact that few nights before everything seemed going quite smooth, even though Justin knew Matthew wasn’t someone really used to established relationship.

He coughed, trying to regain a linear process of thought. Wondering about how odd it was to be receiving such a message from Matt had made him slightly lose contact with reality.

He pursed his lips and furrowed his brows as if he was feeling guilty: it seemed like what he did two nights before had a main role in that unlucky event. Something along the line of oh my god, I unconsciously craved so much to fuck with Matt despite his boyfriend, that they actually broke up.

It was an irrational thought, of course, but Justin’s mind worked in some odd ways. Even he didn’t know what his brain was doing sometimes.

He fidgeted in his seat, suddenly feeling as if a large weight had suddenly been dropped on his shoulders. Ignoring Cory’s question, he set aside his breakfast: he felt his stomach suddenly closing as he realized how horrible Matt would be feeling, and how he was completely unable to comfort people even when they really need it. He started typing violently on his phone with worry growing in his mind and spreading to his face.

“Are you okay? Wanna talk about it?”

Once he sent the message, Justin sighed loudly, his face still contorted in an uneasy expression. He wasn’t the right person to deal with these things. Justin set his elbow on the kitchen table, resting his chin on his open palm, musing. If Cory wanted, he could have probably heard his big brother thinking, seeing how concentrated he was, examining in his mind all different situations in which he could manage to handle Matt’s broken heart. Fantasy. Justin wasn’t able to fix his own wounded soul.

It was bizarre how just two days before they were talking about how fucked up Justin’s love life was, and the one ending with a broken heart had actually been Matt. Call it fate, a bad puns fate, actually. Pursing again his lips, Justin couldn’t stop overthinking how it was even possible, and what in the hell happened for it to end like this.

He didn’t know how funny he looked, all those different worried expressions switching upon his face.

He tensed in his seat. He really hadn’t expected something like this. He wasn’t supposed to be prepared to handle this, since Matthew didn’t really speak about it.

Cory sighed, having come to terms with the fact that his brother was totally on another planet. He’d tried to get Justins attention a few times by waving his hands in front of the others face, to no avail.

Was Matt really heartbroken? Justin realized he didn’t even know Matt’s boyfriend’s name, or when they got together. Had Matthew ever talked about him? Did Justin know him? He raised a hand to his forehead, realizing how sweaty he was from worry. Worry that was growing, as he was facing the fact he didn’t have a single clue about Matthew’s personal life. This sudden realization made him yet more uncomfortable. He felt the urge to distract himself, fiddling with his hair.

Less than 48 hours before, Justin was feeling ashamed for jerking off thinking about one of his best friends. He thought they were at that point of their friendship where they could consider themselves like that – in one way or another. Suddenly he was coming to terms with the fact he didn’t actually know a fucking thing about Matt’s life. Could he still call Matthew a friend?

Yeah, they opened up with each other in a way Justin had done with no one else, but analyzing how their relationship developed throughout the years, he realized how odd it had been. It was always Justin whining about things, Matt patiently listening– never the other way around.

Sometimes it was Matthew telling about the guy he took home after one of his performances, and other times it was Justin asking how he felt about that particular news involving Matt he got to know from social networks and never from Matt himself.

He couldn’t remember a single time in which Matthew voluntarily started talking about his problems.

Widening his eyes in sudden epiphany, Justin shot a look at his phone as another worried feeling added to his now tremendous discomfort and uneasiness. The thought he had somehow invaded Matt’s privacy, asking him about his break up was building inside his mind, along with the concrete fear he hit the point of no return in a relationship he didn’t even know if he could still call “friendship”. Not only he had been the worst of friends, he was now pushing Matthew to talk about private stuff, even though he probably hadn’t the right to.

Cory was giggling, watching a whole range of different odd expressions mutating and warping his brother’s face. He wondered what in the hell he was thinking to make him act so anxious and out of place in his own house.

Justin was quite the master in making a fuss about nothing.

After all, Matthew was the one sending the first message, so he did nothing wrong, right? Right, Justin tried to convince himself, biting his lips while playing with his nails as if they were the most interesting thing in that exact moment.

Justin was really good at fucking things up. He was good at counting chickens, before they hatch.

Matthew sometimes spoke about his family, his friends, his relationships, but he always told funny stories – about his sister Heather, wasted in his kitchen, using the mixer in the wrong way – she was trying a new detox smoothie recipe… ironic – or how the twink he took home the night before threw up vodka and hamburger on Matthew’s thighs.

Justin fell on the couch, exhausted by all that over-thinking. Only 15 minutes had passed, but to him it seemed like a whole hour– maybe more, as if he spent an entire day pondering about things he didn’t really know about, constantly feeling that he wasn’t slightly near the solution.

He always over thought things, and that was the reason why he fucked things up so often. As long as he was busy with work, he didn’t have enough time to consider the answer to life, universe and everything – it’s “42”, by the way – but when the touring, recording and performing stopped – and it was always for barely a month – he usually found himself replaying things in his head again and again and again.

Justin wasn’t flawless, because Justin wasn’t Alaska. He played a character he didn’t really have the guts to emulate in real life. But there still were lots of things he and Lasky shared, but while Alaska Thunderfuck was the Queen of Snakes from another planet, ready to seduce you, and then leave you a minute after, Justin was the kind of guy who grew affectionate toward people in a really small amount of time, investing too much of himself in every single fucking relationship.

Justin knew Matthew cared for him; he remembered him saying how much he loved him a bunch of times. But it was not a sufficient reassurance to stop Justin from convincing himself he was always doing something wrong. He threw his head back onto the couch, searching for a bit of comfort while his head suddenly started aching as if he was experiencing the worst sickness he had ever had in his whole life.

As he grew stronger about his self confidence towards some things, the constant fear he would do something irreparable grew too.

The fact was: if he had been on a date with Rick – and if he and Matt had had the consequent talk – just a month before, while he was still touring Australia, he wouldn’t be pining over all these uncalled thoughts. He would have jerked off to Matthew, waking up the next day as if nothing ever happened. He would have buried himself in the work, and never spend another second on the subject.

But unluckily for him, it happened now, when he had enough time to stress himself over drawing conclusions about his life.

His phone buzzed and Justin quickly opened the new message as if it was a matter of life or death.

“Not really”

Well, he fucked up. He threw his phone aside, a loud sigh bursting from his lips, shutting his eyes as if it was just a nightmare and he would wake up few moments after, realizing it had all been in his head and he didn’t jerked off on Matt in the first place.

It was so obvious he didn’t have the right to ask Matt about his private life, even though Matthew was the first one to bring it on. How could he call himself “his friend”, when they didn’t talk for months, and they rarely see each other during tours and they both were in LA at the same time. Obviously, Matt didn’t want to open up with someone who was almost barely part of his life.

Sure, when they had the opportunity, they would go clubbing together. And they would have fun together while touring the States and before and after every performance, but Justin had done it with quite a few of his colleagues, as long as he knew them enough to trust them just a tiny bit. But with Matthew he had always felt at ease… until that wank of misfortune – a good nickname, he thought.

His phone rang and lazily moving towards the object, he picked up the call without looking; he wasn’t quite in the mood to answer, but he was committed to his work and his own private life, to the point he wouldn’t miss answering his phone even with the worst flu.

«Yes?» his voice was tired as if he just finished taking part in a gig and just got off a 12-hour-flight.

«I thought you were gonna say “hieeee”».

Justin startled, suddenly raising from the couch as he recognized the voice from the other end of the phone. It was Matthew.

«I thought it was someone-else» Justin replied, trying to get a grip. His eyes shifted among the furniture of his living room, desperately trying to conjure up something to say, all while all the thoughts formed few moments before were still rattling in his head with no real sense.

«Are you cheating on me?» Matt joked, trying not to laugh. And Justin could clearly hear how he tried to muffle his laughter, probably covering his mouth with his free hand.

«I would never» Justin drawled, playing along. He heard Matt’s laughter, and a smile bent on his lips, feeling like things had gone back to how they were before Justin’s over-thinking had even started. Matthew had this skill of his, to always make Justin comfortable even in the oddest situations.

He bit his lip, a now happy – but still kind of worried – look upon his face, and then he continued: «I actually thought I’ve messed up» he confessed, crossing his long legs, while making himself comfortable on the couch. It took him a bit of courage to actually say it out loud, but due to the fact Matthew seemed to always be the right person in the right moment, Justin usually felt as if he could entrust to him even his darkest secrets…

«The fuck?!» and Justin could figure Matt’s furrowing his brows in a puzzled look by his voice’s tone, as if he was standing there in front of him; Justin could imagine him, looking at him with his usual skeptical glance, a bit of sarcasm in the way his barely visible eyebrows arched upon his forehead. Matthew always had that judgmental look upon his face, and he was the type of guy to not keep quiet in front of Justin’s bullshit, but still Lasky always felt as if there was nothing really shady in the way Matt often glanced him, and instead something more like the sincere worry of someone who actually cared.

If Justin simply took all those things for granted, he wouldn’t have a problem in the first place, but, well…

One of the few – many, actually – problems that made Justin’s personality so fucking twisted was that he couldn’t refrain from the urge to speak about his most superficial worries, even when they were totally uncalled for. While on the other hand he had never been able to talk about his inner and deepest troubles. The ones he, well, should actually confess…

«I don’t know» Justin drawled again, pinching the bridge of his nose as if he was trying to hide that expression, which seemed to be to crack up in tears, «I felt like I was intruding your privacy…»

Matthew stayed silent for a time that seemed an entire year – it actually lasted less than five seconds – and Justin found himself holding his breath; in less than a blink of an eye, he replayed in his head all the different outcomes of that conversation, each one ending with Matthew suddenly hanging up the phone.

«Lasky,» Matt said annoyed, and Justin could hear a testily sigh coming from his lips «the fuck are you saying?!»

Justin gulped, caught off guard. Ok, that was a situation he hadn’t depicted in his mind yet. He gasped for few seconds, trying to think of something to say that wasn’t incredibly stupid.

«I—»

But Matthew abruptly interrupted him: «If I didn’t want you to be part of my over-dramatic reaction and whining compilation about my recent break up, I wouldn’t have messaged you, Jesus!» he blurted, «You’re always making a fuss about nothing, stop worrying about stupid things! I thought you were smarter than that! I don’t want stupid friends!»

Matt was probably annoyingly waving his hand in the kind of fed up gesture he usually directed to Justin, especially when he was giving one of his bratty tantrums; Justin smiled. There was something oddly familiar and warm in Matt’s reply, something Justin had grown accustomed to without even realizing it. Something that reminded him of how paternally Matthew had always treated him… Aware of it or not, Matt gave him the reassurance he needed. A bit of it, at least…

«What about Michael, then?» Justin tried to change the subject, fearing he could just fuck things up more than what he had done before if they kept talking about that issue.

Matthew laughed loudly, «You shady bitch! I’m gonna tell him!»

Justin echoed him, stretching his legs, Roxxxy was always the good comic interlude in their conversation. He raised his head to look at his brother calling for him and now whispering something like “I’m going out, I’m not coming home for lunch.”Justin nodded, trying to pace his breath, still laughing.

«You wouldn’t!» he then started again, while the conversation seemed to regain their usual casual tone.

«Try me» Matt challenged, and Justin knew he was smiling viciously as he usually did, because at least about few things, he knew Matthew better.

«What’s the price of your silence?» he still got along with the joke – it was how they usually interacted with each other; mocking and annoying. «I can offer oral sex on the plate» he smiled mischievously because he meant it, but Matthew didn’t know it, so everything was fine.

«I’m not in the mood—God, I thought I would never, in my whole life, refuse an explicit sex offer, I think I really got old…» for just a moment, probably out of desperation or maybe exhaustion, Justin hoped Matthew would catch the ball, and remove the hook he had grown attached to during those days. Somehow, he felt as if Matthew had been the one taking the first steps. Getting him laid would fix things as they were before…

«Well, if you’re getting old you could try “grannies”, Redtube has a good section», he kept joking, comedic relief was the strongest shield he knew.

Matthew coughed, trying to contain his laughter, «I’m not gonna ask you how you know that—»

but Justin cut in «…or you could be the “granny” on the Redtube’s section».

Matthew kept silent for a moment, and Justin tried really hard to not giggle at his own bad – horrible – pun.

«…is that shade to that awful porn video I made?»

«Maybe?» and Justin waited with an amused look for a reply.

«You bitch!»

Justin chuckled.

«Can we just forget that video even exists? They called me “Detops” on Reddit for months!»

Justin heard him rambling, but he still couldn’t stop himself from laughing even harder; it was fucking hilarious hearing Matthew overreacting, Justin knew how much he cared for his top status, to the point he couldn’t miss reminding it to others every now and then, «Me! Detops! The self proclaimed West Hollywood’s toppest top!» Justin giggled, you sure are in my fantasies, he raised his glance to the ceiling trying to get a grip of himself and concentrate on the conversation.

«So, if I forget you did the worst porn video on Drag Race herstory, will you keep silent about me doubting Roxxxy’s smartness?» Justin suggested, still snickering. Of course he wouldn’t really forget about it – he couldn’t since he actually masturbated to it a few – too many – times. He didn’t know if it was more shameful to have jerked off to a friend’s porn video, or the fact that that same porn video was one of the worst he had ever happened to see.

«Mhhh…» mumbled Matthew, and Justin waited holding his breath, feeling as if he was years younger and he was asking his high school’s crush to come to the prom with him, «what about taking me out for lunch?»

Justin blinked. He wasn’t prepared to hear that, and it made his “fantasy” about the prom night thing quite real, to the point it seemed almost a scripted quote. «Well… ok» he answered, still a bit shocked.

Justin got up from the couch and headed to his room. The fact was, he wasn’t sure if he actually wanted to speak with Matt vis-à-vis, even though he was too conscious of the fact that, well, they really should. He was still feeling a bit uncomfortable towards Matt, and it was so fucking wrong in so fucking many ways it seemed he entered the Matrix and a glitch happened.

«I didn’t want burnt soy noodles anyway» he joked, but there still was T in what he said: Justin Andrew Honard and cooking were proclaimed arch-enemies. It was the first thing that came into his mind actually, but he spared him one of those odd silent moment, which would betray him and his worries.

«I’m gonna go get ready, and I’m there in half an hour— Mel’s?»

«Mel’s» replied Matthew, his voice warm as usual «but take your time, I’m still in the bathtub».

Justin stood still for a moment not sure if he actually did understand what the other one said: «…why are you taking a bath at 11 in the morning?» he frowned with a perplexed look shading his eyes: but he couldn’t stop himself from imagining those long, fit legs stretching under the water just like Matthew always did in his snapchat’s stories. Maybe firmly bent on his bed, while his own legs were wrapped around Matt’s hi— he stopped, hardly biting his lower lip, too conscious of where those thoughts would lead him.

«Some fans gave me these Lush’s bath bombs… I thought it was a good way to treat myself to a post-break up», Matthew sing songed with his lowest and hoarsest tone, and Justin shivered. This wasn’t helping at all, and instead made Justin’s fantasy grow stronger as a vivid dream. Now he was in the bathtub along with him, sitting onto his lap, his long and skinny arms embracing him, while his plump lips peeked on his shoulders…

«Well, it is» Justin drawled, trying to ignore the hard-on which now bulged from his pants. Fuck, why was he so fucking horny these days?! «So, 12 o'clock?» he asked again, deciding it was a better idea to head to the bathroom first.

«Yeah, 12’s fine, see you there, girl, love you».

«Me too, byeee~»

Justin ended the call and found himself sitting on the toilet, pants already down his ankles: he wasn’t that surprised how he had grown used to this in less than a week. Replaying Matthew’s voice in his head and restarting his galloping fantasies from where he stopped, he grabbed his own cock; his head resting against the bathroom’s wall. He had half an hour to spend before getting ready, so he better enjoy himself, right?

Mel’s was quite famous world-wide, a 50’s styled diner on Sunset Boulevard, in which both Justin and Matthew ate the first time they moved to LA. It was a must for whomever chose to live in West Hollywood, “You haven’t been to Mel’s? Really?”, Justin remembered taking Cory there the first time his brother came to visit. And he had to admit it was one of the few cheap diners to offer an actually good vegetarian option.

He usually preferred take away to sit-down meals, the meat’s smell really did make him nauseous, but luckily for him – even though a drive-in was still a drive-in – Mel’s had tables outside, so Justin could stand the air full of grilled hot dogs and patties. It was one of the reasons he kept coming back, to the point he grew really affectionate to the place.

Thinking back, Justin realized that every time he and Matthew went out for lunch – it was not a rare thing, actually – they usually ended up eating at Mel’s, like some subconscious influence in considering Mel’s something like their place. It was less than 10 minute walk from Justin’s new house on Shoreham Drive, so it became quite the diner, whenever he didn’t feel to cook – three times a week, actually – to the point he considered Mel’s not only cozy, but also intimate, the perfect place where you could have an important talk with your friends.

Matthew, sitting on the other side of the table, lit a cigarette and offered the open package to Justin. He had that beard scruff he didn’t take care for surely more than two days, which made him even sexier than he usually was. And Justin’s irrational thoughts wondered how would it feel, his chin scratching onto his back, while his hands were grasping his hips– Justin returned to earth and lowered his glance to the smoking package with a startled look. «No, thanks, I don’t smoke.»

«You definitively quit?» Matt asked with a surprised look, while taking a good whiff from his Winston. He was really gorgeous when he raised his hand to his lips, kissing the cigarette. Justin wondered how he hadn’t realized before.

«Sometimes I do», admitted Lasky, crossing his legs in a desperate attempt to focus onto the conversation. His mind was all over the place, too invested in both thinking too much of how he should act like everything was fine, and trying to erase from his mind the memories of those few quality minutes he had spent in his own bathroom, before heading to the diner.

He needed to make conversation: «But not during lunch-time, how can you? I mean, doesn’t it taste disgusting afterward?» not that Justin was really interested in an answer, but it seemed like as good a subject as any.

Matt giggled sardonically, «Seriously? You know a heavy smoker doesn’t actually give a shit about taste, as long as he can have his smoke-breaks».

Justin chuckled: it was true. Once he started smoking during Drag Race’s filming, he didn’t actually give a fuck about the fact that all his – poor – meals would taste like ashes and burnt tobacco, as long as he could take a break from all the stress going on inside the walls. Out of the show, his stress-relief was doing laundry. Justin chuckled as he realized that he was slowly becoming a fifties TV housewife. To each his own.

«But you aren’t a heavy smoker, are you?» he asked, realizing what Matthew actually said. Since he remembered, Matt was one of those smokers who usually lit three or four cigarettes during a gig; smoking was something more like an excuse to relax his nerves before and after a flight, not something he had ever been really addicted to… or at least, he was the last time Justin had seen him. Two months before. 90 days is such a long time without seeing each other to call themselves “friends”.

As he ended that sentence, Justin had a return of one of that morning’s many epiphanies: he really didn’t know Matthew as well as he thought. Matt had maybe reassured him a tiny bit about their friendship in some crooked and unaware ways, but the truth was Justin didn’t know a lot about Matt’s behavior and life out of drag. Yeah, he could read him – by every meaning of the word. He knew how Matthew would react to a lot of things; he knew what to expect from him, but besides those things… had Matt ever had a pet? He didn’t have a clue. How did Matt spend his time during breaks? He didn’t know.

For a normal person, all those things would be sufficient to put his mind at rest, after all,  nobody knows someone so well without sharing an intense amount of time with that person, but Justin was a really fucked-up man with too much time to spend pondering about pointless things.

«I smoked a bit too much in the last few weeks» Matthew admitted, chugging a good amount of smoke on his side. Justin was torturing his own lips, his glance waving onto all Matt’s facial features, outlining the eyes, that straight jaw line, the prominent cheekbones. A hand raised to his chin as Justin assumed that position he always reverted to when he was deep in thought, disconnecting himself from the real world.

«…was it because of the break-up? I mean, things weren’t going well?» Lasky asked. As he finished his sentence, he realized he maybe didn’t have the right to ask, since Matthew said he didn’t really want to talk about it; but he was curious.

His glance tightened as if trying to take down the façade of Matthew’s. Except Matt wasn’t like Justin, he didn’t actually put up a front, it was more like he was always just closed off; Matt’s genuine self was Justin’s fake self.

Oh, he was so fucking curious, maybe out of contrition from realizing what a bad friend he had been. Maybe he was just searching for a solution to rest his confused conscience. But he came to terms with the fact that friends don’t act like that, so he quickly tried to make up for his  misspeak.

«Sorry,» he said, fidgeting in his seat, «I don’t want to make you uncomfortable—»

Matt gave him a kind of funny puzzled look. «Justin, the fuck are you saying?» he asked, maybe calmer than intended. Justin could see in that glance that Matthew seemed…  disappointed. He must admit he hadn’t ever behaved like that towards him, and even though he was trying his best to appear normal, to disguise his worries, he probably failed across the board, since Matt called him out on it.

«You’re acting so weird from this morning…» he reached for Justin’s hand on the table.

His touch was one of the warmest Justin had ever experienced. Probably because he wasn’t really used to the kind of worried expression Matthew wore right then. He knew Matt cared for a lot of people, and he knew, even though he was the outspoken but still the private type of guy, he hadn’t ever hidden how much he cared for the people he loved. Still, things between them had always been different. Something more like: we know we care but we don’t talk about it. They were not those friends who usually hug each other, or kiss one another on the cheeks, or something like that… they were more like “you know, if you need me, you can call”. Something more like Lasky watching Matthew when he had a breakdown in the werk room during the show, and vice versa.

Justin sighed, realizing that on the weight scale, the plate was still onto Matthew. Matthew, who was reaching for him. Matthew, who had always been there. Matthew, who always comforted him, and Matthew, who despite being heartbroken and post break up, was now worried for him.

Great, Justin thought, we went out for lunch to comfort Matt after his break up, and we end like usual, with me whining about something.

«Are you ok?» Matthew asked with a bit of worry, catching Justin off guard for the third time in less than four hours.

I’m not okay, he wanted to say, but couldn’t. Not now and not there. It wasn’t something he felt ready to face right now– maybe ever. Time to put that acting degree to good use.

«Yeah, I’m fine» he said, retrieving his hand from the other’s touch. «Don’t mind me, I have lots of things on my mind… let’s talk about you».

He meant it, he really did, even though the situation made him more uncomfortable than he originally thought. Matt pouted, clearly not buying it, but luckily for Justin he simply decided to go along with the lie, Justin theorized, because he was a too good person. Matt knew him better to just buy such a low-level lie, and the feeling of having been so quickly unmasked made him uneasy.

«It wasn’t because we were gonna break-up, by the way» Matt answered Justin’s first question. His eyes wandered over the table’s surface; to Justin he seemed to be trying to grasp words fading into his mind, «Lots of things happened during the last weeks» he paused, taking a final drag off his cigarette. Justin recognized this as a frequent nervous habit of Matthew’s, and he considered if he should ask what was worrying his friend or just let the subject fade given Matthew’s obvious discomfort.

Before he could manage to say a word, Matthew said «Laurie decided to move out».

Laurie? Justin fidgeted again, stretching his legs and then crossing them again. Ah! He suddenly remembered, feeling a bit ashamed to have forgotten – just for a moment, though – about Matthews’ lesbian roommate and best friend.

«You know, she’s in a long term relationship, she’s really in love, so they decided she should move in with her girlfriend…» Matt continued, pursing his lips and Justin simply listened. He couldn’t understand if he was pissed or maybe just sad. Matthew often reminded Justin of a Kandinsky’s painting: beautiful and cryptic. No one could understand him, once he had been taken out of context, or better, out of his comfort zone.

It was odd; he wasn’t really used to Matthew talking about private stuff, but at the same time he felt kind of relieved, like his complaining about feeling not really close to Matt had been heard and the solution had been dropped by heaven. He felt a bit childish and selfish, enjoying himself in the moment of personal sharing, especially since Matt was obviously feeling down.

Matthew confirmed just a moment after: «…I feel like shit».

It was not the first time he heard Matthew saying things along those lines, but the other times it was always one of those dressing-room whines they usually shared while getting in drag. This time was different: Justin could sense a beaten and shaken tone in Matt’s voice. It was downright destabilizing. He wasn’t prepared.

Matthew had always been one of the strongest people he had ever met, but getting to know him, he learned he was also a really emotive man. The type to cry over a news story about a trans teen’s suicide. It really happened, and Justin remembered how Michael spent an entire hour, rubbing Matthew’s back as he couldn’t stop crying.

Maybe Matt was totally aware of that, and that was the reason why he was always trying to get a hold of himself, and when he didn’t succeed, he would try to be the funny or irreverent one. Justin sat motionless, his face blocked in that same puzzled and a bit worried expression of someone unsure of how he’s supposed to react.

«I’m happy for her, I truly am» Matthew continued, «but a lot happened, and I’m not really in the mood to be left alone, last week Heather got in a car accident—»

Justin widened his eyes, jumping onto his seat with probably more drama than was called for. «Your sister got in a car accident?!»

Matthew startled at Justin’s sudden shift.

«Yeah…» he answered with a bewildered look, «Didn’t I mention it?»

Justin shook his head out of shock, wondering how the fuck you could forget something so important in the first place.

«Well, she’s fine now, but she’s still in the hospital, you know, for check-ups and things like that…» Justin stood still, watching his friend light another cigarette. He caught all of Matt’s gestures, and even though he was still gasping, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about how stressed and beaten he should be and how insensitive he himself had been toward him, not noticing all the symptoms before.

Matt lowered a bit the cap on his head, probably trying to hide his face, though Justin caught his watering eyes anyway. Matthew hadn’t ever cried directly in front of him, probably because he was too aware and too caught up in the consciousness of how strong Justin considered him. Something like I don’t want to crash the idea of me he had built inside his mind.

«You should have called me…» Justin said without even thinking, and Matthew raised his eyes, catching the lanky man’s frown and worried look. It wasn’t an expression Justin would direct to just anyone, rather it was something really intimate he would keep for people he really trusted. Matt knew because he had seen that glance just one other time, directed to Aaron. If he had the ability in that exact moment, he would have blushed.

«You were busy with your work, I don’t want to trouble people about my problems» Matthew came up with an excuse the moment he regained awareness of the world surrounding him. He’d been too caught up in those blue icy eyes Justin was staring at him with; it was as if he could get lost in Justin’s unfathomably blue eyes.

But you certainly called Michael, Justin thought and regretted right after. He realized with a kind of horror how he really wanted to be something like the core of Matthew’s world.

«It was nothing, really, but you know, I’m always a bit too shocked when it’s about car-accidents… »

Justin slowly nodded; well, yeah, he knew, but they haven’t really spoken about that, and Justin could simply imagine how someone with Matt’s experience should feel towards the subject.

«So it was you know, stressful, with Laurie moving out and being  busy with her own life… and when things go for the worst and your relationship starts to waver, you know it’s time to end it».

Oh, yeah, Justin knew. Repressed memories of countless arguments buried inside the darkest spot of his mind threatened to resurface with the strength of a slap to his face. Justin knew too well, and he felt the exhaustion of being aware of the fact he simply couldn’t help him. He felt unarmed and useless. He tried to hide it, pursing his lips and making himself comfortable onto his seat.

«I know,» Justin drawled, «it happened with all my boyfriends…» he then commented, with a softer tone, and even though he didn’t speak it out loud, both he and Matthew knew he was talking about Aaron in particular. It was just a small relief, but Justin hoped it would be sufficient for the moment; something like saying you’re not alone, and there are lots of people who already experience what you’re going through and they came back quite… well. Justin maybe wasn’t the best example, but while he knew that knowing you’re not alone doesn’t actually fix things, seeing Matthew stretching his lips with a small and tired smile made him feel it actually worked. Somehow.

Justin, realizing there was no way to actually relieve him for that pain, tried at least to cheer him up with the worst joke he could come up with.

«Do you believe in life after love?»

And Matt actually laughed, not because of the joke itself, but because seeing Justin trying to hold his best – fake – serious looking was fucking hilarious.

«Bitch!» Matthew said, punching lightly Justin’s arm, «Don’t ever try to Cher me again!» he threatened, but he couldn’t stop chuckling.

Lasky smiled, seeing in that laughter the cheerful Matthew he had grown fond of giving him a sense of accomplishment.«Sorry ‘bout it» Justin mocked again, and this time he couldn’t really refrain himself to burst out laughing, while Matthew glanced him with the worst fake annoyed look he could wear.

«I swear I’m gonna shit down your pantyhose if you don’t stop!»

For a moment, Justin forgot all the worrying thoughts he had had in the last few days, and thought that he couldn’t expect any better solution to all the drama he built up – by himself – than ending with both of them laughing, and the reassurance that all his worries were actually a huge delusional stream of consciousness.

He was a fucking weirdo. Because if he hadn’t jerked off to Matt, he wouldn’t have been so overly obsessed with his friend in the first place. But that was Justin and the way his weird-ass mind worked.

They were still giggling when the waiter came back with their meals. Justin caught the way Matthew glanced at the young man. He noticed how that guy seemed to resemble the typical guy Matt had a sweet spot for. Justin thanked the man with an amused smile that guy didn’t know what was about, and then bit his lips in the effort to choose the right words in his mind. For a normal person, the subject had reached its end but Justin was not a normal person: ok, he and Matthew were friends, he masturbated thinking of him, because he was sexually frustrated, and life now could go on as usual.

But not for Justin. His wet dreams had been only an excuse for him to ponder about how his friendship with Matthew developed throughout the years. Because Matt was one of those friends who literally happens in life.

They met when he moved in LA, and he was looking at Detox as someone to admire, then there was Drag Race season 5, and they grew closer because it was a kind of forced move, and he was way weaker than what he was right now. Matt had always been closer to Michael, though. They started together in Orlando, they knew each other way before than meeting Justin, and it was okay, really.

But then there had been BOTS. And Justin had lots of chances to become closer with Matt, but he was in that part of his life where he could barely stand on his feet, and Aaron was the only thought in his mind. Then the breakup. And Matthew was there, even though Justin was still in Pittsburgh. He never really told him about it face-to-face, Matt knew because gossip was the core of drag communities.

Justin remembered crying so desperately he could barely speak for the whole night, while Matthew was patiently listening to his sobbing on the phone.

But their relationship never really grew from that point. There had been tours, performances, and he came back to West Hollywood, but besides going clubbing, eating out, and going out for a coffee together, there hadn’t been any real progress in how they approached each other.

Justin realized that somehow he had always been obsessed with becoming closer to Matt, and at the same time he realized he was the one who never really did a thing about it.

All Stars 2 had been quite bizarre. Because they argued a lot. But at the same time, something grew stronger, and it maybe was because it seemed like Matt had accepted not only the funny, crazy – kind and sweet – faces of Justin’s personality, but also his bratty and whining attitude. They still didn’t see each other often, but Justin had felt at ease in Matt’s company for a long time now.

Seeing things in this way, he couldn’t really claim more. The fuck you want, now, Justin?

He didn’t know, actually. So he simply spoke as word resurfaced from his mind: «It’s the first time you open up this way with me», he drawled, avoiding the other’s glance. He played with his meal, trying to seem at least a bit more interested in what he was doing than what he was saying.

Matthew raised his glance from the hamburger he was eating, to cross Justin’s fake relaxed look from the other side of the table; he knew he was hiding something, and smiling and pursing his lips, he tried to see through Lasky’s mask, «Really?»

Justin smiled, nodding.

«You never asked» said Matt, munching. Checkmate.

It was true. He opened his mouth to say something, but he closed it right after, furrowing his brows, as if he wasn’t really sure of what he was supposed to answer now.

«But—» Justin tried, with an astonished look, «it’s not something you ask, I mean, if you’re feeling down, you just talk to your friend, don’t you?» and he searched the other’s face for some kind of confirmation, never to arrive.

Instead, Matthew smiled, the same expression he usually wore when someone complimented him.

«I’m not like you» Matthew answered and it seemed like a criticism, even though Matt was chuckling, «I don’t want to push my problems over my friends, and let me be honest, you’re pretty fucked up to be the one listening and giving advice».

Justin giggled, even though for a moment he seriously weighed the idea of being offended by that comment, «I am» he confessed, because he was too self-conscious of him being a freak to lie about it, «but you can call, when you need help» and he knew that what he really meant was you should call. Justin didn’t know if he actually could be of any help… he was not good in dealing with people in general, he didn’t know how to approach people feeling down, he didn’t know how to comfort even his most close friends, but he knew he wanted to be of help, «We are close, aren’t we?» and the he asked what was rumbling in his mind for three days straight, because in the end Justin needed reassurance. As usual. He didn’t know where he actually found the strength to speak it out loud, but he did. Regretting it just two seconds after.

Matthew smiled, touching Justin’s foot with his own under the table in a gestures that seemed like an answer by itself, all while smiling, «We are».

And they talked about so many different things – gossips mainly – for two more hours without the awkwardness they felt at first, and Justin thought that everything was fine. He thought he simply had had a break down, and pondering about the day once he arrived home, he realized that it all started because Matt in the first place had called him that morning. He laughed at himself, realizing how stupid he had acted throughout the day – and the whole week, actually – sometimes he didn’t even understand how his own mind worked, making him overthink things which weren’t even a problem.

Things between him and Matthew had always been fine, he just made a fuss over nothing… didn’t he?

It was a step in the right direction, so he thought that all his dirty fantasies were a freakish Freudian – he didn’t really know if it was something Freud-related – way in which his brain was trying to point out to him how he really should take more care of his friendships.

He was ashamed, having wasted so much time worrying and being bothered because he wanted to be fucked by Matthew, instead of being bothered because he was worried about Matthew in the first place. But he thought that now he had all the time to take care of their friendship, and treat him in the proper way, without everything always being about Justin.

He went to bed, exhaling a relieved sigh before slowly falling asleep into Morpheus’ lap, just to wake up few hours after with a huge hard-on to the thought of his last wet dream, where Matt was fucking him harder and harder against a wall.

«Fuck!»

«Hey, gorgeous!» Michael waved from the skype screen, while Matthew cooked in the kitchen.

«Hi, baby!» he greeted, lighting the fire, before turning around to face Roxxxy, who was looking at him from the tablet monitor. It was an important part of Matthew’s daily routine: Roxxxy had always been his closest confidant and friend. Despite living on opposites US coastlines, he simply couldn’t give up on his habitual stress-relieving moment with his favorite Boxxxy Mandrews. Not that they reach for each other every single day, but Matt wouldn’t miss answering Michael’s call even when he had been busy, because Michael knew him better and he always had the right words to say, exactly when Matt needed to hear them.

«How’s it there?»

«Oh, everything’s fine, just had dinner with a bunch of friends» replied Michael, polishing his nails as usual.

They always had this kind of casual chat. Usually lasting less than an hour, “what did you do today?” “how are things going?” and other things along those lines, as if they were hanging out for a coffee,

«What about you? Weren’t you texting me about juicy gossip?» Michael smiled rascally, with a glimpse in his eyes typical of someone who literally lived for such talk.

Matt chuckled loudly. Michael’s smiling face was enough to make him feel at ease.

«Not gossip» he replied, putting the pan on the cooker before starting to shred a huge piece of cheese; he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to call… that. In the way that throwing shade was ‘gossip’.

No, it was more like: my life has been kinda awkward recently and I don’t know how I’m supposed to react to that…? The fact was, there was more bugging Matthew in the back of his head than he led on.

«I had lunch with Lasky today»

Michael gave him a puzzled look, stopping from his nail-care routine and raising his head to match Matthew’s, who was now biting his lip. He seemed quite uncomfortable. Michael also wore an expression explaining that he wasn’t prepared to talk about what they were going to talk about: «And?»

«I—»

«Sorry for interrupting,» started Michael again, pointing to his friend from the screen. «But you really should eat healthier», he commented with a paternal tone and a pissed look.

«Oh, fuck me!» exclaimed Matt, laughing. he knew the totally uncalled for comment was Michael’s way to try to ease the pace of the conversation. He’d probably noticed how nervous Matthew was. Oh, he loved Michael.

«You’re not my real mom!» Matt whined, following the mood.

«And I never will be—» Michael echoed, warmly smiling towards his best friend, noticing Matthew growing more relaxed.

«So what were you saying?»

«I had lunch with Lasky this morning—» Matthew tried again, still avoiding Michael’s glance, fearing the other would be able to read his expression and subsequently read him for filth for it. Matt knew Michael could and would do it at its finest.

«You already said that», pointed out the other mockingly.

Matthew faced him, brandishing a spoon threateningly. «I swear I’m gonna shove this up your ass, if you don’t stop interrupting me!» he said despite his secret gratitude for the interruptions. They gave him time to pick the right words.

Michael raised his hands in surrender, faking a serious face, traces of laughter peeking out from his lips. «Sorry, sorry, go on.»

«I was saying… I had lunch with Justin this morning,» Matthew started again, pursing his lips. he didn’t want Michael to actually understand what was rumbling in his head, so he really tried to seem quite casual towards the subject.

Michael rolled his eyes at the third same clarification. «You know, I was feeling a bit down due to the break-up with James, and Laurie moving out, and Heather’s accident…»

Michael slowly nodded while Matt listed things they’d already talked about on the phone the days before. But then, Matthew was one to repeat himself often, and Michael was by now used to it. He couldn’t hide the fact he was still a bit worried, just like the days before. Matt was the kind of person to keep everything to himself, just to explode in an humongous breakdown, upon hitting the point of no return.

«And you know… I’ve told you about me and Lasky’s talk the other day, didn’t I?» Matthew spoke slowly, too slowly for what Michael was used to, and it made him think that something was wrong. When Matt took his time in talking about things, it was usually because he was trying to sugarcoat it…

«Yeah, you did», Michael commented dryly, his glance sharpening. While he was stared at Matt, he searched for something, a glimpse, a movement upon his face, which would betray him and crash all that pantomime of the collected person Matthew was trying to build himself up to be.

«So I thought it would be good for both of us to just go out, have a little chit chat to distract ourselves» Michael nodded; he knew where they were headed, and he knew how that conversation was gonna end. He knew Matthew too damn well to not know what he should expect.

«But—» Matthew stopped, furrowing his brows, and Michael caught that, widening his eyes as he slowly realized he had been right.

«But?» he asked, expectant. He knew already, yeah, but Michael was looking forward to the moment where Matthew would admit it. It would be the core of all his jokes about Matthew for the next few months.

«But it felt a bit strange?» finally Matt looked back at him perplexed as he kept speaking. He placed his hand on his hip, accommodating himself on one of the kitchen chairs. «I mean, Justin was really weird, he was fidgeting, and acting really odd, he asked if we were close?»

Michael watched Matthew scratching his neck out of nervousness, and he knew something was really upsetting him. Matt was over-confident to the point he wouldn’t let himself look fragile in front of others, and if he wasn’t even trying to hide, it must be because the thing was frigging juicy.

Michael blinked a few times, chuckling, trying to come up with something to make Mathew feel a bit more at ease.

«Well,» he started, «Lasky has always been like that, reaching for people, and then pushing them away just to realize he wants them closer».

Matthew reminded himself to tell Justin to re-think his opinion about Roxxxy’s intelligence.

«He did it a few times with us both» Michael continued, turning his head a bit, as if he was reading a script beside him, trying to focus on what he was supposed to say, «he’s a weirdo, and I don’t mean that in a shady way. He’s a funny, sweet weirdo, but still a weirdo».

Matthew mumbled that he didn’t need clarification about how freakish Justin had always been. «You’re right, but he wasn’t weird like when everything has to be about Lasky, and he’s going crazy because he can’t handle stress», Michael smiled amused: it was a decent read of Justin’s personality.

«It was more like he was walking on eggshells», Matthew continued as if he was Sherlock Holmes in the middle of solving a crime and a solution was just around the corner.

Michael giggled, sing songed, «Unresolved sexual tension~» he accompanied his fluted tone by gesticulating like a conductor.

Matt kept quiet for a second. He opened his mouth, but his jaw snapped shut right after. A thought had just hit him with the strength of an avalanche. He had tried for too long to keep that thought in the most hidden part of his mind and Michael with a simple phrase made everything violently resurface. Matthew was slapped with a reality he had tried to avoid for too many years.

«What the fuck?» He blurted out, trying to seem shocked. He’d overcompensated, judging by Michael’s sardonic grin in the screen.

«Oh, come on!» Michael mocked, hushing him with a movement of his hand, «Back in the werk room, during All Stars 2, I honestly thought we would end up having a threesome. Or at the very least, you two would fuck in the bathroom—»

Matt pursed his lips, trying to mask his horrified expression. «The fuck are you saying?!» he tried again, turning his face to the side, knowing if he just matched looks with Michael again, the other would see through his act. He was already feeling naked enough in that moment. Bury me, he begged a likely non existent God.

«Toxy», Michael called in an oddly paternal way, «look me in the eyes, and tell me you never thought about fucking Justin».

Matthew kept silent, his body tensing while he tried to come up with a sagacious comeback. Too late.

«Ah-ha!» exclaimed then Michael, a winning grin upon his face, raising his arms with a joy you rarely saw outside of sports fans during the Superbowl, «Told ya!»

Matt grunted, annoyed, and it took him a moment to finally decide to face his best friend again, now beaten and unarmed, «Okay, okay, maybe I wondered few times how it would be to fuck Lasky, but that’s it, I don’t see the problem! You know I have a thing for twinks, and even though Justin ain’t one, he’s in the neighborhood… a really lanky twink»

Even Matthew himself didn’t believe what he just said. Michael’s skeptical eyes reinforced how bad at hiding it he was.

It had always been the elephant in the room. Matthew simply hadn’t wanted to address it, until Michael had pointed it out for him. Not that it had ever been a problem per se… the fact was: Matthew knew too damn well how those things would end for the worst, especially when Lasky was involved. So, many years ago, he simply tried to lock those thoughts inside his mind, far from the most conscious part of his brain, and things actually worked for a bit. They went on with their own lives, they acted like normal friends towards each other, and everything was going smooth.

So Matt thought he shouldn’t worry about such a thing from the past. Yeah, it kind of came back once they saw each other during AS2, but nothing happened and everything was fine… wasn’t it?

«Mh-mh—» mumbled Michael again with the same expression of someone who knows everything, «I know, I know, but maybe he’s thinking the same, and you know how he’s awkward in situations like these, he even admitted it».

That was an hypothesis Matthew hadn’t examined yet. They took home a twink together in the past. They did make out, and Matt simply thought that if something was supposed to happen… it should have happened already.

«What?» he asked skeptically. No, Michael couldn’t be right. Well, he was most of the time, except when he was investing too many emotions in someone casually hitting on him, but, well, when it came to Matthew, Michael was always right. Not this time, though. Uh-uh, he shouldn’t—couldn’t be right.

«When he’s bored, he gets really horny, like he hadn’t fucked in years».

Matthew stopped, looking kind of puzzled: «I don’t understand».

«You talked to him about his horrible date with that guy… what was his name?»

«Rick» Matthew answered flatly. Matthew realized how he had taken that whole situation for granted, because in the first place he hadn’t had the occasion to address… He didn’t want, ok, but thinking back about how his and Justin’s relationship developed, he remember how Justin had always had already a boyfriend, before Matt could even prompt to make something out of their… well, unresolved sexual tension. There was no point in denying it anymore.

«Yeah, you talked about his horrible date with Rick, and then you prompted him to take life more easy, and fool around, and maybe fuck someone, and he has probably taken your advice literally…»

As Michael kept talking, a sudden epiphany hit Matthew in the harshest way possible:  «Oh», he commented widening his eyes, and he knew Michael wouldn’t miss that glimpse in his look, betraying him right on the spot. The same shocked expression of someone caught red-handed.

«…what’s “oh”?» Michael prompted: he hadn’t expected this conversation to go this way, and he was confused for a full second. Once he connected all the dots of their little talk and with a bewildered and amused look, a shocked exclamation burst from his lips in the funniest way possible: «Oh my god, Toxy, really?»

Matthew bit his lip guiltily, understanding he couldn’t flee the issue anymore. He shut his eyes , not wanting to face Michael’s judgement. He confessed «I may or I may not have offered him comfort sex…?»

It took Michael a moment to realize what Matthew had just said, and then he raised a hand to his face, hiding it behind his palm in disbelief and exhaustion. «How can you expect him to not act weird, when you offer him sex. You’re friends and you both seemed to want to jump to each other’s bones for years!»

«I was joking!» Matthew tried to justify himself again, pissed by the whole situation. He knew he was somehow guilty, because, in fact, he knew he wasn’t really joking that time but he couldn’t face the fact that it had actually been his fault from the beginning.

«The last time you joked about fucking your friends, we ended up having sex, and it has been weird and awkward for weeks before you got me laid!» Michael switched to a softer tone, knowing that if he kept speaking with that harsh and judgmental voice Matthew would feel attacked and shut him out.

Matthew frowned, pursing his lips. He knew Michael was right… he just didn’t want to admit it. «Yeah, because you’re a bitter and insecure bitch».

Michael opened his mouth in disbelief, seriously offended. Ok, he shouldn’t, because he knew that lashing out was just the way Matthew shielded himself. But still…

«Sorry» Matthew said quickly, realizing how harsh he had sounded, «I didn’t mean it, sorry» he repeated, assuring himself Michael didn’t really get offended, and finding a confirmation in the slight hand gesture the other one made towards him to dismiss the subject. «But, look, seriously, I don’t see the problem, we are grown men, we can fuck with each other and still be friends, it’s called friends with benefits», Matthew said it, but he knew better how casual sex with friends would not work with Justin.

Michael pouted.

«We’re talking about Lasky, you know he takes things too seriously, and he surely can’t handle a relationship based on being friends with benefits».

«We haven’t had sex—»

«—yet. And you actually shared bed with a twink» Michael interrupted.

They stood quiet for a solid minute. Michael could hear Matthew thinking behind the screen. crumbled onto his chair with a pondering expression.

«Look, when it happened between us,» and Michael fidgeted anxiously, «I spent an entire week, thinking about how it could ruin our friendship, and if we were close enough to handle things without one of us being heart-broken or wasted, and if things would be awkward after that, and luckily for us it did go well, but that’s because we knew each other for years, and we have this kind of really close friendship, that makes me realize I really don’t want a relationship with you».

A bittersweet laughter burst from Matt’s lips: «Thank you» he commented sarcastically. He knew what Michael was talking about, but he simply glossed over it. That wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear.

«I love you, girl, but we’re the most mismatched pair you will ever see!» Michael joked, trying again to ease the pace of the conversation.

«I know, I know…» Matt drawled, but he didn’t really know what to think now, and he probably hid it in the worst way ever, because Michael glanced him with a worried smile upon his face.

«Seriously, Toxy, I think you should talk to him».

And Matthew knew he really should, but how can you start a conversation about having sex with your insecure friend, who’s pondering too much about the implication of being friends with benefits?And for what he knew, Justin could be acting weird because of lots of other things. Maybe he didn’t even mind that Matthew offered him sex, and he took it as a joke – as it supposedly was meant from the beginning – and now Matt was making a fuss about a thing that didn’t even exist.

No, he knew – he was sure – it was due to that thing that Justin was acting weird. He simply didn’t want to face it; he had grown so used to the thought it was a never-in-a-million-years fantasy. They both were having a good life, good work, a good… boyfriend. Then, Justin broke up with his almost – ? – fiancé, and then he himself broke up with James—well, he knew he didn’t love James in the first place. But he tried so hard to convince himself he could learn how to love him, that he really believed that.

But realizing how things exploded in just one week, and the first person he searched for had been Justin, Matthew understood how he had miserably failed to act as if that thing between them had never existed.

Maybe he should start with “you’re acting weird these days”, but he continued pondering about the matter for the whole night.

Justin avoided Matthew for three days in a row. Matt texted him few times, to ask him if he wanted to have lunch with him again, but Justin had came up with a different excuse each time. Of course, he couldn’t know that the other one was searching for him for the exact reason he was avoiding him.

“I’m going out with Cory”, “I’m hanging with friends”, “I don’t feel well”, Matthew didn’t buy any of that, but he thought that pressing Justin to talk about how awkward it had been between them during the whole week wasn’t a good idea, so he let him be. Plus, none of them was really ready to face that talk, even though both unaware of the fact that the other one was actually thinking the same.

Justin surely couldn’t avoid him forever; he knew that at some point he would have to face him, but the fact was, how can you start a conversation about… that in the first place? And what was that in the first place?

Justin had time to think. Too much time to think, actually, as if he wasn’t already over-thinking things, but he hadn’t come up with a solution yet. He didn’t really have a clue about what he was supposed to do.

He wanted to fuck Matthew. Check.

He wanted to be a better friend with Matthew. Check.

He wanted to be closer with Matthew, mostly because he should really amend to what a bad friend he had been for him in the past. Check.

How would all these things mix up together?

He didn’t even know if they were related at all. Of course they were related, but Justin couldn’t see the big picture yet. So he simply thought he needed more time to think about.

Unluckily for him, they were now in Willam’s house, he had a cup of new NA Budweiser brew in his hand – gosh, it tasted like shit – and Matthew was glancing towards him on the other side of the kitchen table.

Willam had invited all the queens he knew in West Hollywood to come and see his brand new performance, and – Justin had to admit – it was amusing, but he didn’t understand how he and a bunch – other 20 people, maybe? – ended up hanging to Willam’s house for a totally wasting after-party. He didn’t even know Matt and Will were on good terms again, so he was surprised to see his face through the crowd at the club.

He tried really hard to avoid him, and in fact they didn’t speak for the entire night; he didn’t know how he accomplished that, actually. But he did, just to end up with both of them in the same room, and the exact same awkwardness they shared when they went out for lunch few days before. Justin knew he couldn’t fake any longer. Matthew had had it – officially – and Lasky sensed that something was completely off.

Willam, who was now Justin’s focus as he tried to come up with the courage he needed to face Matthew, was kind of wasted already, his arm on Courtney’s shoulder, laughing like a donkey, dancing and shouting from upon the living room’s table. People were cheering like it was the best entertainment they’d had had in ages, and Justin wondered if that table would hold the weight of both Willam and Shane. It seemed like the most interesting thing in the world in that exact moment… and everything would be preferable to meeting Matt’s glance from the other end of the kitchen table.

Justin smiled. It actually was hilarious seeing how the other 2/3 of the AAA Girls were holding the court, but then Matthew approached him, and Justin’s smile dropped. He caught that bittersweet glimpse in Matthew’s eyes, and  he knew it was due to the fact he noticed that he was the one making Justin’s mood change abruptly. Lasky felt kind of guilty. He didn’t want to make Matt uncomfortable, and it wasn’t like he was… upset with him—he simply wasn’t ready to talk about his odd behavior. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say about it in the first place. Please, follow me home and fuck the shit out of me, then we can become closer friends and everything will go smoothly? Just for a second, Justin thought it wasn’t such a bad idea.

He was that desperate.

«Hey» Matt greeted, and Lasky noticed how he forced himself to smile, resembling that same happy expression, Matthew always wore upon his face, «Hey» Justin answered, trying on the other hand to smile kindly towards him, failing miserably. He surrendered. He had to face him in that exact moment, or things would have always been too awkward between them.

Matt gave him a puzzled look, before leaning to the kitchen counter by his side, and resting his back onto it. He was looking at him, and Justin was fidgeting, continuously moving his arms, first resting them on the counter, then crossing them on his chest, and then leaving them hanging on his side. Lasky felt the other one’s glance upon himself, and he consciously knew Matt wasn’t pushing him or something like that, but… he couldn’t bring himself to rationally think that. He felt an exhausting weight dropping onto his shoulders. Matthew frowned: Justin probably wasn’t aware of how uncomfortable his expression looked, but Matt noticed and couldn’t stop himself to think it was due to his presence.

Fuck, it was unbearable.

«Feeling better?» Matt asked, he tried to start a casual conversation, just like Michael tried to make him feel at ease during their skype call.

Justin answered with a confused look.

Matthew knew that Justin had been lying, but he hoped that at least he remembered his own lie. He chuckled: «…weren’t you feeling sick?»

Oh, yeah. He was supposed to be sick, Justin realized and widened his glance caught off guard. He took time, sipping from his – awful – beer, trying to come up with a decent answer.  «Yeah, now I’m fine» he lied. Again. «How’re you?» at least, he should try to make an effort to make the casual — awkward — conversation to go on smoothly.

Well, he actually started a conversation, and that was a kind of a win, even though Matthew was really the last person he wanted to talk to right now. He hadn’t fixed a thing about all the turbulent thoughts in his head, and as long as he was still confused, he didn’t really feel it was a good idea to face him.

It felt awkward, mostly because Justin knew he had avoided him for the whole week, and he was aware that Matthew hadn’t bought a single lie.

«I think we should talk» Matthew started, and Justin realized again he had no escape this time. He didn’t look at him, so he couldn’t notice how worried Matt seemed, but he couldn’t stop either from fidgeting in his own spot against the kitchen counter, with no effort in trying to hide how nervous he was. Gosh, he wanted a cigarette right about now.

He was used to fleeing problems—he was fucking good at it too, but this time he knew he couldn’t do what he always did. Because it was dragging him to the point of exhaustion, and he was worn out from all the overthinking.

«You’re acting weird… I mean, really weird, even for your standards», Matthew seemed a bit insecure of what he was talking about, as if, just like Justin, he wasn’t prepared at all for the conversation.

I already know, Justin though, sipping his beer.

«It seems like you’re really worried about how our friendship is right now, but you never did, I mean, we’re close, Justin» and Matthew tenderly brushed the lanky man’s arm, searching for the courage he needed to keep talking. He recognized how odd that was coming from such a confident person. «And we’ve always been, and at first I didn’t understand why you were walking on eggshells around me— it’s really creeping me out, and…» Matthew drawled and then stopped. He took a sip from his beer and coughed, choosing his words carefully. «I’ve talked with Michael, and I realized that it may be my fault».

Justin furrowed his brows, turning his face to the other man. He’d heard what the other one said, even replayed those words in his mind, but still, he didn’t quite comprehend the part where it was supposedly Matt’s fault. For a moment, Justin had thought that Matthew read through the lies and through him, and he couldn’t hide anymore the fact that, yeah, there was something unspoken and unresolved between them, but…

«What?» Justin asked, probably a bit too loud, because Matthew almost startled. His brows furrowed upon his face, with a look that seemed both puzzled and pissed.

How could it be his fault, since it was Justin the one tormenting himself over a thing that… maybe wasn’t even “a thing”?

Matthew raised his glance to the ceiling, keeping touch with Justin’s arms; it was somehow as if he really wanted to look at him in the eyes, but he couldn’t actually bring himself to do it. He simply thought that if he glanced him in that exact moment, Justin would have read through him and would draw conclusions without giving him the time to explain things. Justin was exactly like that.

«When we talked about you feeling beaten, because of that horrible date, I gave you advice, because that’s what good friends do, and I may have said something that made you uncomfortable», Matthew spoke slowly. It was slightly off putting, because he usually didn’t talk like that. Lasky felt uneasy again, as if he was supposed to expect bad news.

He gave Matt a puzzled look, placing his cup on the counter, and crossing his arms across his chest. His eyes bore into the kitchen table in front of him, not really watching it. Justin was losing contact with reality, retreating more and more into his head as Matthew kept talking.

«You know, I said you don’t need to grow affectionate toward people»

But he did.

«But just fool around a bit more»

He couldn’t really.

«You don’t want a relationship»

But he did want to be closer to Matthew

«And you just need to be fucked and enjoy yourself»

Yeah, he did, but the problem was he already had an idea of who could restlessly fuck him until morning,

«And I may or may not have offered you sex…»

Ah. So he meant it.

Justin suddenly regained awareness of his surroundings. Raising his glance to the other man – who wasn’t matching his look – he widened his eyes in disbelief, caught out of surprise. Ok, yeah, he really excruciated himself over that suggestion, he did, but somehow he didn’t really expect a confirmation about it. He wasn’t prepared. At all. He had examined all the different outcomes of speaking with Matthew, and that one was something that didn’t even glimpsed in Justin’s mind.

«And, look—»

But Lasky abruptly interrupted him: «I jerked off, thinking about you. Few times, actually».

God, it was a fucking relief.

…but Justin regretted it quickly, when Matthew turned facing towards him, he matched his astonished and bewildered look. Justin opened his mouth not sure of what he was supposed to say, and Matt blinked few times in his direction.

«I… spent an entire week avoiding you, because that made me frigging uncomfortable towards you» Justin started, skeptical because he didn’t really know how that conversation was supposed to end once he had begun, «and it’s not your fault, it’s me, because I’m fucking twisted and fucked up, and I couldn’t stop thinking about our relationship, and how, I think, I’ve always found you quite attractive…?» he admitted, and looking at Matt’s figure, he forced himself to not focus on that beard, which was growing more and more day by day, making him fucking sexier than he had ever been, «…and I think that’s the reason I always wanted to be closer to you, but I couldn’t push myself in doing it, because between friends things become easily awkward and weird, and I don’t want to ruin things again» he drawled, gulping loudly, realizing things as he continued to speak. So, that’s how it works when you go to a psychologist.

«I always ruin things, because I have this rotten mind of mine, which I really can’t handle, and though I really want to be fucked by you, and at the same time be a better friend to you than what I have been until now is driving me fucking crazy… I know we… we shared bed with another guy, we kissed, and touched, and everything, but I think it was since then that I couldn’t stop thinking about these things».

Once he finished, he found himself craving for water, his throat aching. He probably should have focused on the fact he literally spilled all the T in just one moment, and Matthew – judging from his look – wasn’t prepared for that, but the only thing Justin could concentrate on was the fact that he needed a fucking glass of water. He didn’t know if it was an odd shielding-mechanism or something, he simply couldn’t think about the conversation – monologue – they were having.

He avoided Matthew’s look until he finished speaking, then he faced him for the third time, unsure if he had definitively ruined everything or if he would be the core of Matthew’s jokes for the next 20 years.

Justin felt freed from a chain which was really suffocating him, and at the same time he was both worried and relieved, because speaking it out loud allowed him to draw the right conclusion to all his thought.

In the end, he needed Matthew. Not only for a one-night-stand – he couldn’t do anything for the sexual tension that resurfaced between them – he needed Matthew by his side as it had always been. And he wanted to reciprocate it, because in some crooked ways it gave him life to feel closer to him.

Justin wasn’t sure how it worked, it was something really bizarre which he couldn’t label yet.

«So—» but Justin couldn’t finish his sentence, because, while nobody was really minding them, too busy in laughing and screaming towards Willam and Courtney, who were now dancing on the couch, Matthew leaned closer, a hand tenderly caressing his cheek, the other hand grabbing the arm his fingers were gently caressing few minutes before… Justin had almost forgotten how the real sensation of those plump and full lips was, but when Matthew shut his mouth with his own, kissing him, Justin realized how reality was frigging better than fantasies.

Matt mentally appointed to himself that he should really offer Roxxxy lunch next time they would meet.

A/N2: for any suggestion, come drop by at @chykopon (:

TAG: alaska thunderfuck, detox icunt, roxxxy andrews, alaskatox, rotox, detoxxxy, just hinted btw, romcom, chykopon, ggg: girl get a grip

Justin read the message few times, before realizing what it meant, thoughts rumbling in his head as if he couldn’t believe what was written there; Cory’s face deformed in a disgusted expression as hot tea drooled from his brother’s mouth in disbelief. Lasky wasn’t really used to shocking news, to the point he simply stopped functioning correctly…

«What?!» he almost screamed, even though nobody was really listening or watching what he was doing. Cory, still startled, was jumping on his seat and cursing towards his big bro.  

«The fuck happened?» he asked from the other side of the table.

Justin’s only reply was a puzzled look. He found himself blinking few times, desperately trying to process what he had just read. There was such a casual look in that simple message, that Justin couldn’t actually believe Matt – who was always a reserved person, more reserved than an introvert like Lasky had always been – had written it. Moreover to the fact that few nights before everything seemed going quite smooth, even though Justin knew Matthew wasn’t someone really used to established relationship.

He coughed, trying to regain a linear process of thought. Wondering about how odd it was to be receiving such a message from Matt had made him slightly lose contact with reality.

He pursed his lips and furrowed his brows as if he was feeling guilty: it seemed like what he did two nights before had a main role in that unlucky event. Something along the line of oh my god, I unconsciously craved so much to fuck with Matt despite his boyfriend, that they actually broke up.

It was an irrational thought, of course, but Justin’s mind worked in some odd ways. Even he didn’t know what his brain was doing sometimes.

He fidgeted in his seat, suddenly feeling as if a large weight had suddenly been dropped on his shoulders. Ignoring Cory’s question, he set aside his breakfast: he felt his stomach suddenly closing as he realized how horrible Matt would be feeling, and how he was completely unable to comfort people even when they really need it. He started typing violently on his phone with worry growing in his mind and spreading to his face.

“Are you okay? Wanna talk about it?”

Once he sent the message, Justin sighed loudly, his face still contorted in an uneasy expression. He wasn’t the right person to deal with these things. Justin set his elbow on the kitchen table, resting his chin on his open palm, musing. If Cory wanted, he could have probably heard his big brother thinking, seeing how concentrated he was, examining in his mind all different situations in which he could manage to handle Matt’s broken heart. Fantasy. Justin wasn’t able to fix his own wounded soul.

It was bizarre how just two days before they were talking about how fucked up Justin’s love life was, and the one ending with a broken heart had actually been Matt. Call it fate, a bad puns fate, actually. Pursing again his lips, Justin couldn’t stop overthinking how it was even possible, and what in the hell happened for it to end like this.

He didn’t know how funny he looked, all those different worried expressions switching upon his face.

He tensed in his seat. He really hadn’t expected something like this. He wasn’t supposed to be prepared to handle this, since Matthew didn’t really speak about it.

Cory sighed, having come to terms with the fact that his brother was totally on another planet. He’d tried to get Justins attention a few times by waving his hands in front of the others face, to no avail.

Was Matt really heartbroken? Justin realized he didn’t even know Matt’s boyfriend’s name, or when they got together. Had Matthew ever talked about him? Did Justin know him? He raised a hand to his forehead, realizing how sweaty he was from worry. Worry that was growing, as he was facing the fact he didn’t have a single clue about Matthew’s personal life. This sudden realization made him yet more uncomfortable. He felt the urge to distract himself, fiddling with his hair.

Less than 48 hours before, Justin was feeling ashamed for jerking off thinking about one of his best friends. He thought they were at that point of their friendship where they could consider themselves like that – in one way or another. Suddenly he was coming to terms with the fact he didn’t actually know a fucking thing about Matt’s life. Could he still call Matthew a friend?

Yeah, they opened up with each other in a way Justin had done with no one else, but analyzing how their relationship developed throughout the years, he realized how odd it had been. It was always Justin whining about things, Matt patiently listening– never the other way around.

Sometimes it was Matthew telling about the guy he took home after one of his performances, and other times it was Justin asking how he felt about that particular news involving Matt he got to know from social networks and never from Matt himself.

He couldn’t remember a single time in which Matthew voluntarily started talking about his problems.

Widening his eyes in sudden epiphany, Justin shot a look at his phone as another worried feeling added to his now tremendous discomfort and uneasiness. The thought he had somehow invaded Matt’s privacy, asking him about his break up was building inside his mind, along with the concrete fear he hit the point of no return in a relationship he didn’t even know if he could still call “friendship”. Not only he had been the worst of friends, he was now pushing Matthew to talk about private stuff, even though he probably hadn’t the right to.

Cory was giggling, watching a whole range of different odd expressions mutating and warping his brother’s face. He wondered what in the hell he was thinking to make him act so anxious and out of place in his own house.

Justin was quite the master in making a fuss about nothing.

After all, Matthew was the one sending the first message, so he did nothing wrong, right? Right, Justin tried to convince himself, biting his lips while playing with his nails as if they were the most interesting thing in that exact moment.

Justin was really good at fucking things up. He was good at counting chickens, before they hatch.

Matthew sometimes spoke about his family, his friends, his relationships, but he always told funny stories – about his sister Heather, wasted in his kitchen, using the mixer in the wrong way – she was trying a new detox smoothie recipe… ironic – or how the twink he took home the night before threw up vodka and hamburger on Matthew’s thighs.

Justin fell on the couch, exhausted by all that over-thinking. Only 15 minutes had passed, but to him it seemed like a whole hour– maybe more, as if he spent an entire day pondering about things he didn’t really know about, constantly feeling that he wasn’t slightly near the solution.

He always over thought things, and that was the reason why he fucked things up so often. As long as he was busy with work, he didn’t have enough time to consider the answer to life, universe and everything – it’s “42”, by the way – but when the touring, recording and performing stopped – and it was always for barely a month – he usually found himself replaying things in his head again and again and again.

Justin wasn’t flawless, because Justin wasn’t Alaska. He played a character he didn’t really have the guts to emulate in real life. But there still were lots of things he and Lasky shared, but while Alaska Thunderfuck was the Queen of Snakes from another planet, ready to seduce you, and then leave you a minute after, Justin was the kind of guy who grew affectionate toward people in a really small amount of time, investing too much of himself in every single fucking relationship.

Justin knew Matthew cared for him; he remembered him saying how much he loved him a bunch of times. But it was not a sufficient reassurance to stop Justin from convincing himself he was always doing something wrong. He threw his head back onto the couch, searching for a bit of comfort while his head suddenly started aching as if he was experiencing the worst sickness he had ever had in his whole life.

As he grew stronger about his self confidence towards some things, the constant fear he would do something irreparable grew too.

The fact was: if he had been on a date with Rick – and if he and Matt had had the consequent talk – just a month before, while he was still touring Australia, he wouldn’t be pining over all these uncalled thoughts. He would have jerked off to Matthew, waking up the next day as if nothing ever happened. He would have buried himself in the work, and never spend another second on the subject.

But unluckily for him, it happened now, when he had enough time to stress himself over drawing conclusions about his life.

His phone buzzed and Justin quickly opened the new message as if it was a matter of life or death.

“Not really”

Well, he fucked up. He threw his phone aside, a loud sigh bursting from his lips, shutting his eyes as if it was just a nightmare and he would wake up few moments after, realizing it had all been in his head and he didn’t jerked off on Matt in the first place.

It was so obvious he didn’t have the right to ask Matt about his private life, even though Matthew was the first one to bring it on. How could he call himself “his friend”, when they didn’t talk for months, and they rarely see each other during tours and they both were in LA at the same time. Obviously, Matt didn’t want to open up with someone who was almost barely part of his life.

Sure, when they had the opportunity, they would go clubbing together. And they would have fun together while touring the States and before and after every performance, but Justin had done it with quite a few of his colleagues, as long as he knew them enough to trust them just a tiny bit. But with Matthew he had always felt at ease… until that wank of misfortune – a good nickname, he thought.

His phone rang and lazily moving towards the object, he picked up the call without looking; he wasn’t quite in the mood to answer, but he was committed to his work and his own private life, to the point he wouldn’t miss answering his phone even with the worst flu.

«Yes?» his voice was tired as if he just finished taking part in a gig and just got off a 12-hour-flight.

«I thought you were gonna say “hieeee”».

Justin startled, suddenly raising from the couch as he recognized the voice from the other end of the phone. It was Matthew.

«I thought it was someone-else» Justin replied, trying to get a grip. His eyes shifted among the furniture of his living room, desperately trying to conjure up something to say, all while all the thoughts formed few moments before were still rattling in his head with no real sense.

«Are you cheating on me?» Matt joked, trying not to laugh. And Justin could clearly hear how he tried to muffle his laughter, probably covering his mouth with his free hand.

«I would never» Justin drawled, playing along. He heard Matt’s laughter, and a smile bent on his lips, feeling like things had gone back to how they were before Justin’s over-thinking had even started. Matthew had this skill of his, to always make Justin comfortable even in the oddest situations.

He bit his lip, a now happy – but still kind of worried – look upon his face, and then he continued: «I actually thought I’ve messed up» he confessed, crossing his long legs, while making himself comfortable on the couch. It took him a bit of courage to actually say it out loud, but due to the fact Matthew seemed to always be the right person in the right moment, Justin usually felt as if he could entrust to him even his darkest secrets…

«The fuck?!» and Justin could figure Matt’s furrowing his brows in a puzzled look by his voice’s tone, as if he was standing there in front of him; Justin could imagine him, looking at him with his usual skeptical glance, a bit of sarcasm in the way his barely visible eyebrows arched upon his forehead. Matthew always had that judgmental look upon his face, and he was the type of guy to not keep quiet in front of Justin’s bullshit, but still Lasky always felt as if there was nothing really shady in the way Matt often glanced him, and instead something more like the sincere worry of someone who actually cared.

If Justin simply took all those things for granted, he wouldn’t have a problem in the first place, but, well…

One of the few – many, actually – problems that made Justin’s personality so fucking twisted was that he couldn’t refrain from the urge to speak about his most superficial worries, even when they were totally uncalled for. While on the other hand he had never been able to talk about his inner and deepest troubles. The ones he, well, should actually confess…

«I don’t know» Justin drawled again, pinching the bridge of his nose as if he was trying to hide that expression, which seemed to be to crack up in tears, «I felt like I was intruding your privacy…»

Matthew stayed silent for a time that seemed an entire year – it actually lasted less than five seconds – and Justin found himself holding his breath; in less than a blink of an eye, he replayed in his head all the different outcomes of that conversation, each one ending with Matthew suddenly hanging up the phone.

«Lasky,» Matt said annoyed, and Justin could hear a testily sigh coming from his lips «the fuck are you saying?!»

Justin gulped, caught off guard. Ok, that was a situation he hadn’t depicted in his mind yet. He gasped for few seconds, trying to think of something to say that wasn’t incredibly stupid.

«I—»

But Matthew abruptly interrupted him: «If I didn’t want you to be part of my over-dramatic reaction and whining compilation about my recent break up, I wouldn’t have messaged you, Jesus!» he blurted, «You’re always making a fuss about nothing, stop worrying about stupid things! I thought you were smarter than that! I don’t want stupid friends!»

Matt was probably annoyingly waving his hand in the kind of fed up gesture he usually directed to Justin, especially when he was giving one of his bratty tantrums; Justin smiled. There was something oddly familiar and warm in Matt’s reply, something Justin had grown accustomed to without even realizing it. Something that reminded him of how paternally Matthew had always treated him… Aware of it or not, Matt gave him the reassurance he needed. A bit of it, at least…

«What about Michael, then?» Justin tried to change the subject, fearing he could just fuck things up more than what he had done before if they kept talking about that issue.

Matthew laughed loudly, «You shady bitch! I’m gonna tell him!»

Justin echoed him, stretching his legs, Roxxxy was always the good comic interlude in their conversation. He raised his head to look at his brother calling for him and now whispering something like “I’m going out, I’m not coming home for lunch.”Justin nodded, trying to pace his breath, still laughing.

«You wouldn’t!» he then started again, while the conversation seemed to regain their usual casual tone.

«Try me» Matt challenged, and Justin knew he was smiling viciously as he usually did, because at least about few things, he knew Matthew better.

«What’s the price of your silence?» he still got along with the joke – it was how they usually interacted with each other; mocking and annoying. «I can offer oral sex on the plate» he smiled mischievously because he meant it, but Matthew didn’t know it, so everything was fine.

«I’m not in the mood—God, I thought I would never, in my whole life, refuse an explicit sex offer, I think I really got old…» for just a moment, probably out of desperation or maybe exhaustion, Justin hoped Matthew would catch the ball, and remove the hook he had grown attached to during those days. Somehow, he felt as if Matthew had been the one taking the first steps. Getting him laid would fix things as they were before…

«Well, if you’re getting old you could try “grannies”, Redtube has a good section», he kept joking, comedic relief was the strongest shield he knew.

Matthew coughed, trying to contain his laughter, «I’m not gonna ask you how you know that—»

but Justin cut in «…or you could be the “granny” on the Redtube’s section».

Matthew kept silent for a moment, and Justin tried really hard to not giggle at his own bad – horrible – pun.

«…is that shade to that awful porn video I made?»

«Maybe?» and Justin waited with an amused look for a reply.

«You bitch!»

Justin chuckled.

«Can we just forget that video even exists? They called me “Detops” on Reddit for months!»

Justin heard him rambling, but he still couldn’t stop himself from laughing even harder; it was fucking hilarious hearing Matthew overreacting, Justin knew how much he cared for his top status, to the point he couldn’t miss reminding it to others every now and then, «Me! Detops! The self proclaimed West Hollywood’s toppest top!» Justin giggled, you sure are in my fantasies, he raised his glance to the ceiling trying to get a grip of himself and concentrate on the conversation.

«So, if I forget you did the worst porn video on Drag Race herstory, will you keep silent about me doubting Roxxxy’s smartness?» Justin suggested, still snickering. Of course he wouldn’t really forget about it – he couldn’t since he actually masturbated to it a few – too many – times. He didn’t know if it was more shameful to have jerked off to a friend’s porn video, or the fact that that same porn video was one of the worst he had ever happened to see.

«Mhhh…» mumbled Matthew, and Justin waited holding his breath, feeling as if he was years younger and he was asking his high school’s crush to come to the prom with him, «what about taking me out for lunch?»

Justin blinked. He wasn’t prepared to hear that, and it made his “fantasy” about the prom night thing quite real, to the point it seemed almost a scripted quote. «Well… ok» he answered, still a bit shocked.

Justin got up from the couch and headed to his room. The fact was, he wasn’t sure if he actually wanted to speak with Matt vis-à-vis, even though he was too conscious of the fact that, well, they really should. He was still feeling a bit uncomfortable towards Matt, and it was so fucking wrong in so fucking many ways it seemed he entered the Matrix and a glitch happened.

«I didn’t want burnt soy noodles anyway» he joked, but there still was T in what he said: Justin Andrew Honard and cooking were proclaimed arch-enemies. It was the first thing that came into his mind actually, but he spared him one of those odd silent moment, which would betray him and his worries.

«I’m gonna go get ready, and I’m there in half an hour— Mel’s?»

«Mel’s» replied Matthew, his voice warm as usual «but take your time, I’m still in the bathtub».

Justin stood still for a moment not sure if he actually did understand what the other one said: «…why are you taking a bath at 11 in the morning?» he frowned with a perplexed look shading his eyes: but he couldn’t stop himself from imagining those long, fit legs stretching under the water just like Matthew always did in his snapchat’s stories. Maybe firmly bent on his bed, while his own legs were wrapped around Matt’s hi— he stopped, hardly biting his lower lip, too conscious of where those thoughts would lead him.

«Some fans gave me these Lush’s bath bombs… I thought it was a good way to treat myself to a post-break up», Matthew sing songed with his lowest and hoarsest tone, and Justin shivered. This wasn’t helping at all, and instead made Justin’s fantasy grow stronger as a vivid dream. Now he was in the bathtub along with him, sitting onto his lap, his long and skinny arms embracing him, while his plump lips peeked on his shoulders…

«Well, it is» Justin drawled, trying to ignore the hard-on which now bulged from his pants. Fuck, why was he so fucking horny these days?! «So, 12 o'clock?» he asked again, deciding it was a better idea to head to the bathroom first.

«Yeah, 12’s fine, see you there, girl, love you».

«Me too, byeee~»

Justin ended the call and found himself sitting on the toilet, pants already down his ankles: he wasn’t that surprised how he had grown used to this in less than a week. Replaying Matthew’s voice in his head and restarting his galloping fantasies from where he stopped, he grabbed his own cock; his head resting against the bathroom’s wall. He had half an hour to spend before getting ready, so he better enjoy himself, right?

Mel’s was quite famous world-wide, a 50’s styled diner on Sunset Boulevard, in which both Justin and Matthew ate the first time they moved to LA. It was a must for whomever chose to live in West Hollywood, “You haven’t been to Mel’s? Really?”, Justin remembered taking Cory there the first time his brother came to visit. And he had to admit it was one of the few cheap diners to offer an actually good vegetarian option.

He usually preferred take away to sit-down meals, the meat’s smell really did make him nauseous, but luckily for him – even though a drive-in was still a drive-in – Mel’s had tables outside, so Justin could stand the air full of grilled hot dogs and patties. It was one of the reasons he kept coming back, to the point he grew really affectionate to the place.

Thinking back, Justin realized that every time he and Matthew went out for lunch – it was not a rare thing, actually – they usually ended up eating at Mel’s, like some subconscious influence in considering Mel’s something like their place. It was less than 10 minute walk from Justin’s new house on Shoreham Drive, so it became quite the diner, whenever he didn’t feel to cook – three times a week, actually – to the point he considered Mel’s not only cozy, but also intimate, the perfect place where you could have an important talk with your friends.

Matthew, sitting on the other side of the table, lit a cigarette and offered the open package to Justin. He had that beard scruff he didn’t take care for surely more than two days, which made him even sexier than he usually was. And Justin’s irrational thoughts wondered how would it feel, his chin scratching onto his back, while his hands were grasping his hips– Justin returned to earth and lowered his glance to the smoking package with a startled look. «No, thanks, I don’t smoke.»

«You definitively quit?» Matt asked with a surprised look, while taking a good whiff from his Winston. He was really gorgeous when he raised his hand to his lips, kissing the cigarette. Justin wondered how he hadn’t realized before.

«Sometimes I do», admitted Lasky, crossing his legs in a desperate attempt to focus onto the conversation. His mind was all over the place, too invested in both thinking too much of how he should act like everything was fine, and trying to erase from his mind the memories of those few quality minutes he had spent in his own bathroom, before heading to the diner.

He needed to make conversation: «But not during lunch-time, how can you? I mean, doesn’t it taste disgusting afterward?» not that Justin was really interested in an answer, but it seemed like as good a subject as any.

Matt giggled sardonically, «Seriously? You know a heavy smoker doesn’t actually give a shit about taste, as long as he can have his smoke-breaks».

Justin chuckled: it was true. Once he started smoking during Drag Race’s filming, he didn’t actually give a fuck about the fact that all his – poor – meals would taste like ashes and burnt tobacco, as long as he could take a break from all the stress going on inside the walls. Out of the show, his stress-relief was doing laundry. Justin chuckled as he realized that he was slowly becoming a fifties TV housewife. To each his own.

«But you aren’t a heavy smoker, are you?» he asked, realizing what Matthew actually said. Since he remembered, Matt was one of those smokers who usually lit three or four cigarettes during a gig; smoking was something more like an excuse to relax his nerves before and after a flight, not something he had ever been really addicted to… or at least, he was the last time Justin had seen him. Two months before. 90 days is such a long time without seeing each other to call themselves “friends”.

As he ended that sentence, Justin had a return of one of that morning’s many epiphanies: he really didn’t know Matthew as well as he thought. Matt had maybe reassured him a tiny bit about their friendship in some crooked and unaware ways, but the truth was Justin didn’t know a lot about Matt’s behavior and life out of drag. Yeah, he could read him – by every meaning of the word. He knew how Matthew would react to a lot of things; he knew what to expect from him, but besides those things… had Matt ever had a pet? He didn’t have a clue. How did Matt spend his time during breaks? He didn’t know.

For a normal person, all those things would be sufficient to put his mind at rest, after all,  nobody knows someone so well without sharing an intense amount of time with that person, but Justin was a really fucked-up man with too much time to spend pondering about pointless things.

«I smoked a bit too much in the last few weeks» Matthew admitted, chugging a good amount of smoke on his side. Justin was torturing his own lips, his glance waving onto all Matt’s facial features, outlining the eyes, that straight jaw line, the prominent cheekbones. A hand raised to his chin as Justin assumed that position he always reverted to when he was deep in thought, disconnecting himself from the real world.

«…was it because of the break-up? I mean, things weren’t going well?» Lasky asked. As he finished his sentence, he realized he maybe didn’t have the right to ask, since Matthew said he didn’t really want to talk about it; but he was curious.

His glance tightened as if trying to take down the façade of Matthew’s. Except Matt wasn’t like Justin, he didn’t actually put up a front, it was more like he was always just closed off; Matt’s genuine self was Justin’s fake self.

Oh, he was so fucking curious, maybe out of contrition from realizing what a bad friend he had been. Maybe he was just searching for a solution to rest his confused conscience. But he came to terms with the fact that friends don’t act like that, so he quickly tried to make up for his  misspeak.

«Sorry,» he said, fidgeting in his seat, «I don’t want to make you uncomfortable—»

Matt gave him a kind of funny puzzled look. «Justin, the fuck are you saying?» he asked, maybe calmer than intended. Justin could see in that glance that Matthew seemed…  disappointed. He must admit he hadn’t ever behaved like that towards him, and even though he was trying his best to appear normal, to disguise his worries, he probably failed across the board, since Matt called him out on it.

«You’re acting so weird from this morning…» he reached for Justin’s hand on the table.

His touch was one of the warmest Justin had ever experienced. Probably because he wasn’t really used to the kind of worried expression Matthew wore right then. He knew Matt cared for a lot of people, and he knew, even though he was the outspoken but still the private type of guy, he hadn’t ever hidden how much he cared for the people he loved. Still, things between them had always been different. Something more like: we know we care but we don’t talk about it. They were not those friends who usually hug each other, or kiss one another on the cheeks, or something like that… they were more like “you know, if you need me, you can call”. Something more like Lasky watching Matthew when he had a breakdown in the werk room during the show, and vice versa.

Justin sighed, realizing that on the weight scale, the plate was still onto Matthew. Matthew, who was reaching for him. Matthew, who had always been there. Matthew, who always comforted him, and Matthew, who despite being heartbroken and post break up, was now worried for him.

Great, Justin thought, we went out for lunch to comfort Matt after his break up, and we end like usual, with me whining about something.

«Are you ok?» Matthew asked with a bit of worry, catching Justin off guard for the third time in less than four hours.

I’m not okay, he wanted to say, but couldn’t. Not now and not there. It wasn’t something he felt ready to face right now– maybe ever. Time to put that acting degree to good use.

«Yeah, I’m fine» he said, retrieving his hand from the other’s touch. «Don’t mind me, I have lots of things on my mind… let’s talk about you».

He meant it, he really did, even though the situation made him more uncomfortable than he originally thought. Matt pouted, clearly not buying it, but luckily for Justin he simply decided to go along with the lie, Justin theorized, because he was a too good person. Matt knew him better to just buy such a low-level lie, and the feeling of having been so quickly unmasked made him uneasy.

«It wasn’t because we were gonna break-up, by the way» Matt answered Justin’s first question. His eyes wandered over the table’s surface; to Justin he seemed to be trying to grasp words fading into his mind, «Lots of things happened during the last weeks» he paused, taking a final drag off his cigarette. Justin recognized this as a frequent nervous habit of Matthew’s, and he considered if he should ask what was worrying his friend or just let the subject fade given Matthew’s obvious discomfort.

Before he could manage to say a word, Matthew said «Laurie decided to move out».

Laurie? Justin fidgeted again, stretching his legs and then crossing them again. Ah! He suddenly remembered, feeling a bit ashamed to have forgotten – just for a moment, though – about Matthews’ lesbian roommate and best friend.

«You know, she’s in a long term relationship, she’s really in love, so they decided she should move in with her girlfriend…» Matt continued, pursing his lips and Justin simply listened. He couldn’t understand if he was pissed or maybe just sad. Matthew often reminded Justin of a Kandinsky’s painting: beautiful and cryptic. No one could understand him, once he had been taken out of context, or better, out of his comfort zone.

It was odd; he wasn’t really used to Matthew talking about private stuff, but at the same time he felt kind of relieved, like his complaining about feeling not really close to Matt had been heard and the solution had been dropped by heaven. He felt a bit childish and selfish, enjoying himself in the moment of personal sharing, especially since Matt was obviously feeling down.

Matthew confirmed just a moment after: «…I feel like shit».

It was not the first time he heard Matthew saying things along those lines, but the other times it was always one of those dressing-room whines they usually shared while getting in drag. This time was different: Justin could sense a beaten and shaken tone in Matt’s voice. It was downright destabilizing. He wasn’t prepared.

Matthew had always been one of the strongest people he had ever met, but getting to know him, he learned he was also a really emotive man. The type to cry over a news story about a trans teen’s suicide. It really happened, and Justin remembered how Michael spent an entire hour, rubbing Matthew’s back as he couldn’t stop crying.

Maybe Matt was totally aware of that, and that was the reason why he was always trying to get a hold of himself, and when he didn’t succeed, he would try to be the funny or irreverent one. Justin sat motionless, his face blocked in that same puzzled and a bit worried expression of someone unsure of how he’s supposed to react.

«I’m happy for her, I truly am» Matthew continued, «but a lot happened, and I’m not really in the mood to be left alone, last week Heather got in a car accident—»

Justin widened his eyes, jumping onto his seat with probably more drama than was called for. «Your sister got in a car accident?!»

Matthew startled at Justin’s sudden shift.

«Yeah…» he answered with a bewildered look, «Didn’t I mention it?»

Justin shook his head out of shock, wondering how the fuck you could forget something so important in the first place.

«Well, she’s fine now, but she’s still in the hospital, you know, for check-ups and things like that…» Justin stood still, watching his friend light another cigarette. He caught all of Matt’s gestures, and even though he was still gasping, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about how stressed and beaten he should be and how insensitive he himself had been toward him, not noticing all the symptoms before.

Matt lowered a bit the cap on his head, probably trying to hide his face, though Justin caught his watering eyes anyway. Matthew hadn’t ever cried directly in front of him, probably because he was too aware and too caught up in the consciousness of how strong Justin considered him. Something like I don’t want to crash the idea of me he had built inside his mind.

«You should have called me…» Justin said without even thinking, and Matthew raised his eyes, catching the lanky man’s frown and worried look. It wasn’t an expression Justin would direct to just anyone, rather it was something really intimate he would keep for people he really trusted. Matt knew because he had seen that glance just one other time, directed to Aaron. If he had the ability in that exact moment, he would have blushed.

«You were busy with your work, I don’t want to trouble people about my problems» Matthew came up with an excuse the moment he regained awareness of the world surrounding him. He’d been too caught up in those blue icy eyes Justin was staring at him with; it was as if he could get lost in Justin’s unfathomably blue eyes.

But you certainly called Michael, Justin thought and regretted right after. He realized with a kind of horror how he really wanted to be something like the core of Matthew’s world.

«It was nothing, really, but you know, I’m always a bit too shocked when it’s about car-accidents… »

Justin slowly nodded; well, yeah, he knew, but they haven’t really spoken about that, and Justin could simply imagine how someone with Matt’s experience should feel towards the subject.

«So it was you know, stressful, with Laurie moving out and being  busy with her own life… and when things go for the worst and your relationship starts to waver, you know it’s time to end it».

Oh, yeah, Justin knew. Repressed memories of countless arguments buried inside the darkest spot of his mind threatened to resurface with the strength of a slap to his face. Justin knew too well, and he felt the exhaustion of being aware of the fact he simply couldn’t help him. He felt unarmed and useless. He tried to hide it, pursing his lips and making himself comfortable onto his seat.

«I know,» Justin drawled, «it happened with all my boyfriends…» he then commented, with a softer tone, and even though he didn’t speak it out loud, both he and Matthew knew he was talking about Aaron in particular. It was just a small relief, but Justin hoped it would be sufficient for the moment; something like saying you’re not alone, and there are lots of people who already experience what you’re going through and they came back quite… well. Justin maybe wasn’t the best example, but while he knew that knowing you’re not alone doesn’t actually fix things, seeing Matthew stretching his lips with a small and tired smile made him feel it actually worked. Somehow.

Justin, realizing there was no way to actually relieve him for that pain, tried at least to cheer him up with the worst joke he could come up with.

«Do you believe in life after love?»

And Matt actually laughed, not because of the joke itself, but because seeing Justin trying to hold his best – fake – serious looking was fucking hilarious.

«Bitch!» Matthew said, punching lightly Justin’s arm, «Don’t ever try to Cher me again!» he threatened, but he couldn’t stop chuckling.

Lasky smiled, seeing in that laughter the cheerful Matthew he had grown fond of giving him a sense of accomplishment.«Sorry ‘bout it» Justin mocked again, and this time he couldn’t really refrain himself to burst out laughing, while Matthew glanced him with the worst fake annoyed look he could wear.

«I swear I’m gonna shit down your pantyhose if you don’t stop!»

For a moment, Justin forgot all the worrying thoughts he had had in the last few days, and thought that he couldn’t expect any better solution to all the drama he built up – by himself – than ending with both of them laughing, and the reassurance that all his worries were actually a huge delusional stream of consciousness.

He was a fucking weirdo. Because if he hadn’t jerked off to Matt, he wouldn’t have been so overly obsessed with his friend in the first place. But that was Justin and the way his weird-ass mind worked.

They were still giggling when the waiter came back with their meals. Justin caught the way Matthew glanced at the young man. He noticed how that guy seemed to resemble the typical guy Matt had a sweet spot for. Justin thanked the man with an amused smile that guy didn’t know what was about, and then bit his lips in the effort to choose the right words in his mind. For a normal person, the subject had reached its end but Justin was not a normal person: ok, he and Matthew were friends, he masturbated thinking of him, because he was sexually frustrated, and life now could go on as usual.

But not for Justin. His wet dreams had been only an excuse for him to ponder about how his friendship with Matthew developed throughout the years. Because Matt was one of those friends who literally happens in life.

They met when he moved in LA, and he was looking at Detox as someone to admire, then there was Drag Race season 5, and they grew closer because it was a kind of forced move, and he was way weaker than what he was right now. Matt had always been closer to Michael, though. They started together in Orlando, they knew each other way before than meeting Justin, and it was okay, really.

But then there had been BOTS. And Justin had lots of chances to become closer with Matt, but he was in that part of his life where he could barely stand on his feet, and Aaron was the only thought in his mind. Then the breakup. And Matthew was there, even though Justin was still in Pittsburgh. He never really told him about it face-to-face, Matt knew because gossip was the core of drag communities.

Justin remembered crying so desperately he could barely speak for the whole night, while Matthew was patiently listening to his sobbing on the phone.

But their relationship never really grew from that point. There had been tours, performances, and he came back to West Hollywood, but besides going clubbing, eating out, and going out for a coffee together, there hadn’t been any real progress in how they approached each other.

Justin realized that somehow he had always been obsessed with becoming closer to Matt, and at the same time he realized he was the one who never really did a thing about it.

All Stars 2 had been quite bizarre. Because they argued a lot. But at the same time, something grew stronger, and it maybe was because it seemed like Matt had accepted not only the funny, crazy – kind and sweet – faces of Justin’s personality, but also his bratty and whining attitude. They still didn’t see each other often, but Justin had felt at ease in Matt’s company for a long time now.

Seeing things in this way, he couldn’t really claim more. The fuck you want, now, Justin?

He didn’t know, actually. So he simply spoke as word resurfaced from his mind: «It’s the first time you open up this way with me», he drawled, avoiding the other’s glance. He played with his meal, trying to seem at least a bit more interested in what he was doing than what he was saying.

Matthew raised his glance from the hamburger he was eating, to cross Justin’s fake relaxed look from the other side of the table; he knew he was hiding something, and smiling and pursing his lips, he tried to see through Lasky’s mask, «Really?»

Justin smiled, nodding.

«You never asked» said Matt, munching. Checkmate.

It was true. He opened his mouth to say something, but he closed it right after, furrowing his brows, as if he wasn’t really sure of what he was supposed to answer now.

«But—» Justin tried, with an astonished look, «it’s not something you ask, I mean, if you’re feeling down, you just talk to your friend, don’t you?» and he searched the other’s face for some kind of confirmation, never to arrive.

Instead, Matthew smiled, the same expression he usually wore when someone complimented him.

«I’m not like you» Matthew answered and it seemed like a criticism, even though Matt was chuckling, «I don’t want to push my problems over my friends, and let me be honest, you’re pretty fucked up to be the one listening and giving advice».

Justin giggled, even though for a moment he seriously weighed the idea of being offended by that comment, «I am» he confessed, because he was too self-conscious of him being a freak to lie about it, «but you can call, when you need help» and he knew that what he really meant was you should call. Justin didn’t know if he actually could be of any help… he was not good in dealing with people in general, he didn’t know how to approach people feeling down, he didn’t know how to comfort even his most close friends, but he knew he wanted to be of help, «We are close, aren’t we?» and the he asked what was rumbling in his mind for three days straight, because in the end Justin needed reassurance. As usual. He didn’t know where he actually found the strength to speak it out loud, but he did. Regretting it just two seconds after.

Matthew smiled, touching Justin’s foot with his own under the table in a gestures that seemed like an answer by itself, all while smiling, «We are».

And they talked about so many different things – gossips mainly – for two more hours without the awkwardness they felt at first, and Justin thought that everything was fine. He thought he simply had had a break down, and pondering about the day once he arrived home, he realized that it all started because Matt in the first place had called him that morning. He laughed at himself, realizing how stupid he had acted throughout the day – and the whole week, actually – sometimes he didn’t even understand how his own mind worked, making him overthink things which weren’t even a problem.

Things between him and Matthew had always been fine, he just made a fuss over nothing… didn’t he?

It was a step in the right direction, so he thought that all his dirty fantasies were a freakish Freudian – he didn’t really know if it was something Freud-related – way in which his brain was trying to point out to him how he really should take more care of his friendships.

He was ashamed, having wasted so much time worrying and being bothered because he wanted to be fucked by Matthew, instead of being bothered because he was worried about Matthew in the first place. But he thought that now he had all the time to take care of their friendship, and treat him in the proper way, without everything always being about Justin.

He went to bed, exhaling a relieved sigh before slowly falling asleep into Morpheus’ lap, just to wake up few hours after with a huge hard-on to the thought of his last wet dream, where Matt was fucking him harder and harder against a wall.

«Fuck!»

«Hey, gorgeous!» Michael waved from the skype screen, while Matthew cooked in the kitchen.

«Hi, baby!» he greeted, lighting the fire, before turning around to face Roxxxy, who was looking at him from the tablet monitor. It was an important part of Matthew’s daily routine: Roxxxy had always been his closest confidant and friend. Despite living on opposites US coastlines, he simply couldn’t give up on his habitual stress-relieving moment with his favorite Boxxxy Mandrews. Not that they reach for each other every single day, but Matt wouldn’t miss answering Michael’s call even when he had been busy, because Michael knew him better and he always had the right words to say, exactly when Matt needed to hear them.

«How’s it there?»

«Oh, everything’s fine, just had dinner with a bunch of friends» replied Michael, polishing his nails as usual.

They always had this kind of casual chat. Usually lasting less than an hour, “what did you do today?” “how are things going?” and other things along those lines, as if they were hanging out for a coffee,

«What about you? Weren’t you texting me about juicy gossip?» Michael smiled rascally, with a glimpse in his eyes typical of someone who literally lived for such talk.

Matt chuckled loudly. Michael’s smiling face was enough to make him feel at ease.

«Not gossip» he replied, putting the pan on the cooker before starting to shred a huge piece of cheese; he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to call… that. In the way that throwing shade was ‘gossip’.

No, it was more like: my life has been kinda awkward recently and I don’t know how I’m supposed to react to that…? The fact was, there was more bugging Matthew in the back of his head than he led on.

«I had lunch with Lasky today»

Michael gave him a puzzled look, stopping from his nail-care routine and raising his head to match Matthew’s, who was now biting his lip. He seemed quite uncomfortable. Michael also wore an expression explaining that he wasn’t prepared to talk about what they were going to talk about: «And?»

«I—»

«Sorry for interrupting,» started Michael again, pointing to his friend from the screen. «But you really should eat healthier», he commented with a paternal tone and a pissed look.

«Oh, fuck me!» exclaimed Matt, laughing. he knew the totally uncalled for comment was Michael’s way to try to ease the pace of the conversation. He’d probably noticed how nervous Matthew was. Oh, he loved Michael.

«You’re not my real mom!» Matt whined, following the mood.

«And I never will be—» Michael echoed, warmly smiling towards his best friend, noticing Matthew growing more relaxed.

«So what were you saying?»

«I had lunch with Lasky this morning—» Matthew tried again, still avoiding Michael’s glance, fearing the other would be able to read his expression and subsequently read him for filth for it. Matt knew Michael could and would do it at its finest.

«You already said that», pointed out the other mockingly.

Matthew faced him, brandishing a spoon threateningly. «I swear I’m gonna shove this up your ass, if you don’t stop interrupting me!» he said despite his secret gratitude for the interruptions. They gave him time to pick the right words.

Michael raised his hands in surrender, faking a serious face, traces of laughter peeking out from his lips. «Sorry, sorry, go on.»

«I was saying… I had lunch with Justin this morning,» Matthew started again, pursing his lips. he didn’t want Michael to actually understand what was rumbling in his head, so he really tried to seem quite casual towards the subject.

Michael rolled his eyes at the third same clarification. «You know, I was feeling a bit down due to the break-up with James, and Laurie moving out, and Heather’s accident…»

Michael slowly nodded while Matt listed things they’d already talked about on the phone the days before. But then, Matthew was one to repeat himself often, and Michael was by now used to it. He couldn’t hide the fact he was still a bit worried, just like the days before. Matt was the kind of person to keep everything to himself, just to explode in an humongous breakdown, upon hitting the point of no return.

«And you know… I’ve told you about me and Lasky’s talk the other day, didn’t I?» Matthew spoke slowly, too slowly for what Michael was used to, and it made him think that something was wrong. When Matt took his time in talking about things, it was usually because he was trying to sugarcoat it…

«Yeah, you did», Michael commented dryly, his glance sharpening. While he was stared at Matt, he searched for something, a glimpse, a movement upon his face, which would betray him and crash all that pantomime of the collected person Matthew was trying to build himself up to be.

«So I thought it would be good for both of us to just go out, have a little chit chat to distract ourselves» Michael nodded; he knew where they were headed, and he knew how that conversation was gonna end. He knew Matthew too damn well to not know what he should expect.

«But—» Matthew stopped, furrowing his brows, and Michael caught that, widening his eyes as he slowly realized he had been right.

«But?» he asked, expectant. He knew already, yeah, but Michael was looking forward to the moment where Matthew would admit it. It would be the core of all his jokes about Matthew for the next few months.

«But it felt a bit strange?» finally Matt looked back at him perplexed as he kept speaking. He placed his hand on his hip, accommodating himself on one of the kitchen chairs. «I mean, Justin was really weird, he was fidgeting, and acting really odd, he asked if we were close?»

Michael watched Matthew scratching his neck out of nervousness, and he knew something was really upsetting him. Matt was over-confident to the point he wouldn’t let himself look fragile in front of others, and if he wasn’t even trying to hide, it must be because the thing was frigging juicy.

Michael blinked a few times, chuckling, trying to come up with something to make Mathew feel a bit more at ease.

«Well,» he started, «Lasky has always been like that, reaching for people, and then pushing them away just to realize he wants them closer».

Matthew reminded himself to tell Justin to re-think his opinion about Roxxxy’s intelligence.

«He did it a few times with us both» Michael continued, turning his head a bit, as if he was reading a script beside him, trying to focus on what he was supposed to say, «he’s a weirdo, and I don’t mean that in a shady way. He’s a funny, sweet weirdo, but still a weirdo».

Matthew mumbled that he didn’t need clarification about how freakish Justin had always been. «You’re right, but he wasn’t weird like when everything has to be about Lasky, and he’s going crazy because he can’t handle stress», Michael smiled amused: it was a decent read of Justin’s personality.

«It was more like he was walking on eggshells», Matthew continued as if he was Sherlock Holmes in the middle of solving a crime and a solution was just around the corner.

Michael giggled, sing songed, «Unresolved sexual tension~» he accompanied his fluted tone by gesticulating like a conductor.

Matt kept quiet for a second. He opened his mouth, but his jaw snapped shut right after. A thought had just hit him with the strength of an avalanche. He had tried for too long to keep that thought in the most hidden part of his mind and Michael with a simple phrase made everything violently resurface. Matthew was slapped with a reality he had tried to avoid for too many years.

«What the fuck?» He blurted out, trying to seem shocked. He’d overcompensated, judging by Michael’s sardonic grin in the screen.

«Oh, come on!» Michael mocked, hushing him with a movement of his hand, «Back in the werk room, during All Stars 2, I honestly thought we would end up having a threesome. Or at the very least, you two would fuck in the bathroom—»

Matt pursed his lips, trying to mask his horrified expression. «The fuck are you saying?!» he tried again, turning his face to the side, knowing if he just matched looks with Michael again, the other would see through his act. He was already feeling naked enough in that moment. Bury me, he begged a likely non existent God.

«Toxy», Michael called in an oddly paternal way, «look me in the eyes, and tell me you never thought about fucking Justin».

Matthew kept silent, his body tensing while he tried to come up with a sagacious comeback. Too late.

«Ah-ha!» exclaimed then Michael, a winning grin upon his face, raising his arms with a joy you rarely saw outside of sports fans during the Superbowl, «Told ya!»

Matt grunted, annoyed, and it took him a moment to finally decide to face his best friend again, now beaten and unarmed, «Okay, okay, maybe I wondered few times how it would be to fuck Lasky, but that’s it, I don’t see the problem! You know I have a thing for twinks, and even though Justin ain’t one, he’s in the neighborhood… a really lanky twink»

Even Matthew himself didn’t believe what he just said. Michael’s skeptical eyes reinforced how bad at hiding it he was.

It had always been the elephant in the room. Matthew simply hadn’t wanted to address it, until Michael had pointed it out for him. Not that it had ever been a problem per se… the fact was: Matthew knew too damn well how those things would end for the worst, especially when Lasky was involved. So, many years ago, he simply tried to lock those thoughts inside his mind, far from the most conscious part of his brain, and things actually worked for a bit. They went on with their own lives, they acted like normal friends towards each other, and everything was going smooth.

So Matt thought he shouldn’t worry about such a thing from the past. Yeah, it kind of came back once they saw each other during AS2, but nothing happened and everything was fine… wasn’t it?

«Mh-mh—» mumbled Michael again with the same expression of someone who knows everything, «I know, I know, but maybe he’s thinking the same, and you know how he’s awkward in situations like these, he even admitted it».

That was an hypothesis Matthew hadn’t examined yet. They took home a twink together in the past. They did make out, and Matt simply thought that if something was supposed to happen… it should have happened already.

«What?» he asked skeptically. No, Michael couldn’t be right. Well, he was most of the time, except when he was investing too many emotions in someone casually hitting on him, but, well, when it came to Matthew, Michael was always right. Not this time, though. Uh-uh, he shouldn’t—couldn’t be right.

«When he’s bored, he gets really horny, like he hadn’t fucked in years».

Matthew stopped, looking kind of puzzled: «I don’t understand».

«You talked to him about his horrible date with that guy… what was his name?»

«Rick» Matthew answered flatly. Matthew realized how he had taken that whole situation for granted, because in the first place he hadn’t had the occasion to address… He didn’t want, ok, but thinking back about how his and Justin’s relationship developed, he remember how Justin had always had already a boyfriend, before Matt could even prompt to make something out of their… well, unresolved sexual tension. There was no point in denying it anymore.

«Yeah, you talked about his horrible date with Rick, and then you prompted him to take life more easy, and fool around, and maybe fuck someone, and he has probably taken your advice literally…»

As Michael kept talking, a sudden epiphany hit Matthew in the harshest way possible:  «Oh», he commented widening his eyes, and he knew Michael wouldn’t miss that glimpse in his look, betraying him right on the spot. The same shocked expression of someone caught red-handed.

«…what’s “oh”?» Michael prompted: he hadn’t expected this conversation to go this way, and he was confused for a full second. Once he connected all the dots of their little talk and with a bewildered and amused look, a shocked exclamation burst from his lips in the funniest way possible: «Oh my god, Toxy, really?»

Matthew bit his lip guiltily, understanding he couldn’t flee the issue anymore. He shut his eyes , not wanting to face Michael’s judgement. He confessed «I may or I may not have offered him comfort sex…?»

It took Michael a moment to realize what Matthew had just said, and then he raised a hand to his face, hiding it behind his palm in disbelief and exhaustion. «How can you expect him to not act weird, when you offer him sex. You’re friends and you both seemed to want to jump to each other’s bones for years!»

«I was joking!» Matthew tried to justify himself again, pissed by the whole situation. He knew he was somehow guilty, because, in fact, he knew he wasn’t really joking that time but he couldn’t face the fact that it had actually been his fault from the beginning.

«The last time you joked about fucking your friends, we ended up having sex, and it has been weird and awkward for weeks before you got me laid!» Michael switched to a softer tone, knowing that if he kept speaking with that harsh and judgmental voice Matthew would feel attacked and shut him out.

Matthew frowned, pursing his lips. He knew Michael was right… he just didn’t want to admit it. «Yeah, because you’re a bitter and insecure bitch».

Michael opened his mouth in disbelief, seriously offended. Ok, he shouldn’t, because he knew that lashing out was just the way Matthew shielded himself. But still…

«Sorry» Matthew said quickly, realizing how harsh he had sounded, «I didn’t mean it, sorry» he repeated, assuring himself Michael didn’t really get offended, and finding a confirmation in the slight hand gesture the other one made towards him to dismiss the subject. «But, look, seriously, I don’t see the problem, we are grown men, we can fuck with each other and still be friends, it’s called friends with benefits», Matthew said it, but he knew better how casual sex with friends would not work with Justin.

Michael pouted.

«We’re talking about Lasky, you know he takes things too seriously, and he surely can’t handle a relationship based on being friends with benefits».

«We haven’t had sex—»

«—yet. And you actually shared bed with a twink» Michael interrupted.

They stood quiet for a solid minute. Michael could hear Matthew thinking behind the screen. crumbled onto his chair with a pondering expression.

«Look, when it happened between us,» and Michael fidgeted anxiously, «I spent an entire week, thinking about how it could ruin our friendship, and if we were close enough to handle things without one of us being heart-broken or wasted, and if things would be awkward after that, and luckily for us it did go well, but that’s because we knew each other for years, and we have this kind of really close friendship, that makes me realize I really don’t want a relationship with you».

A bittersweet laughter burst from Matt’s lips: «Thank you» he commented sarcastically. He knew what Michael was talking about, but he simply glossed over it. That wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear.

«I love you, girl, but we’re the most mismatched pair you will ever see!» Michael joked, trying again to ease the pace of the conversation.

«I know, I know…» Matt drawled, but he didn’t really know what to think now, and he probably hid it in the worst way ever, because Michael glanced him with a worried smile upon his face.

«Seriously, Toxy, I think you should talk to him».

And Matthew knew he really should, but how can you start a conversation about having sex with your insecure friend, who’s pondering too much about the implication of being friends with benefits? And for what he knew, Justin could be acting weird because of lots of other things. Maybe he didn’t even mind that Matthew offered him sex, and he took it as a joke – as it supposedly was meant from the beginning – and now Matt was making a fuss about a thing that didn’t even exist.

No, he knew – he was sure – it was due to that thing that Justin was acting weird. He simply didn’t want to face it; he had grown so used to the thought it was a never-in-a-million-years fantasy. They both were having a good life, good work, a good… boyfriend. Then, Justin broke up with his almost – ? – fiancé, and then he himself broke up with James—well, he knew he didn’t love James in the first place. But he tried so hard to convince himself he could learn how to love him, that he really believed that.

But realizing how things exploded in just one week, and the first person he searched for had been Justin, Matthew understood how he had miserably failed to act as if that thing between them had never existed.

Maybe he should start with “you’re acting weird these days”, but he continued pondering about the matter for the whole night.

Justin avoided Matthew for three days in a row. Matt texted him few times, to ask him if he wanted to have lunch with him again, but Justin had came up with a different excuse each time. Of course, he couldn’t know that the other one was searching for him for the exact reason he was avoiding him.

“I’m going out with Cory”, “I’m hanging with friends”, “I don’t feel well”, Matthew didn’t buy any of that, but he thought that pressing Justin to talk about how awkward it had been between them during the whole week wasn’t a good idea, so he let him be. Plus, none of them was really ready to face that talk, even though both unaware of the fact that the other one was actually thinking the same.

Justin surely couldn’t avoid him forever; he knew that at some point he would have to face him, but the fact was, how can you start a conversation about… that in the first place? And what was that in the first place?

Justin had time to think. Too much time to think, actually, as if he wasn’t already over-thinking things, but he hadn’t come up with a solution yet. He didn’t really have a clue about what he was supposed to do.

He wanted to fuck Matthew. Check.

He wanted to be a better friend with Matthew. Check.

He wanted to be closer with Matthew, mostly because he should really amend to what a bad friend he had been for him in the past. Check.

How would all these things mix up together?

He didn’t even know if they were related at all. Of course they were related, but Justin couldn’t see the big picture yet. So he simply thought he needed more time to think about.

Unluckily for him, they were now in Willam’s house, he had a cup of new NA Budweiser brew in his hand – gosh, it tasted like shit – and Matthew was glancing towards him on the other side of the kitchen table.

Willam had invited all the queens he knew in West Hollywood to come and see his brand new performance, and – Justin had to admit – it was amusing, but he didn’t understand how he and a bunch – other 20 people, maybe? – ended up hanging to Willam’s house for a totally wasting after-party. He didn’t even know Matt and Will were on good terms again, so he was surprised to see his face through the crowd at the club.

He tried really hard to avoid him, and in fact they didn’t speak for the entire night; he didn’t know how he accomplished that, actually. But he did, just to end up with both of them in the same room, and the exact same awkwardness they shared when they went out for lunch few days before. Justin knew he couldn’t fake any longer. Matthew had had it – officially – and Lasky sensed that something was completely off.

Willam, who was now Justin’s focus as he tried to come up with the courage he needed to face Matthew, was kind of wasted already, his arm on Courtney’s shoulder, laughing like a donkey, dancing and shouting from upon the living room’s table. People were cheering like it was the best entertainment they’d had had in ages, and Justin wondered if that table would hold the weight of both Willam and Shane. It seemed like the most interesting thing in the world in that exact moment… and everything would be preferable to meeting Matt’s glance from the other end of the kitchen table.

Justin smiled. It actually was hilarious seeing how the other 2/3 of the AAA Girls were holding the court, but then Matthew approached him, and Justin’s smile dropped. He caught that bittersweet glimpse in Matthew’s eyes, and  he knew it was due to the fact he noticed that he was the one making Justin’s mood change abruptly. Lasky felt kind of guilty. He didn’t want to make Matt uncomfortable, and it wasn’t like he was… upset with him—he simply wasn’t ready to talk about his odd behavior. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say about it in the first place. Please, follow me home and fuck the shit out of me, then we can become closer friends and everything will go smoothly? Just for a second, Justin thought it wasn’t such a bad idea.

He was that desperate.

«Hey» Matt greeted, and Lasky noticed how he forced himself to smile, resembling that same happy expression, Matthew always wore upon his face, «Hey» Justin answered, trying on the other hand to smile kindly towards him, failing miserably. He surrendered. He had to face him in that exact moment, or things would have always been too awkward between them.

Matt gave him a puzzled look, before leaning to the kitchen counter by his side, and resting his back onto it. He was looking at him, and Justin was fidgeting, continuously moving his arms, first resting them on the counter, then crossing them on his chest, and then leaving them hanging on his side. Lasky felt the other one’s glance upon himself, and he consciously knew Matt wasn’t pushing him or something like that, but… he couldn’t bring himself to rationally think that. He felt an exhausting weight dropping onto his shoulders. Matthew frowned: Justin probably wasn’t aware of how uncomfortable his expression looked, but Matt noticed and couldn’t stop himself to think it was due to his presence.

Fuck, it was unbearable.

«Feeling better?» Matt asked, he tried to start a casual conversation, just like Michael tried to make him feel at ease during their skype call.

Justin answered with a confused look.

Matthew knew that Justin had been lying, but he hoped that at least he remembered his own lie. He chuckled: «…weren’t you feeling sick?»

Oh, yeah. He was supposed to be sick, Justin realized and widened his glance caught off guard. He took time, sipping from his – awful – beer, trying to come up with a decent answer.  «Yeah, now I’m fine» he lied. Again. «How’re you?» at least, he should try to make an effort to make the casual — awkward — conversation to go on smoothly.

Well, he actually started a conversation, and that was a kind of a win, even though Matthew was really the last person he wanted to talk to right now. He hadn’t fixed a thing about all the turbulent thoughts in his head, and as long as he was still confused, he didn’t really feel it was a good idea to face him.

It felt awkward, mostly because Justin knew he had avoided him for the whole week, and he was aware that Matthew hadn’t bought a single lie.

«I think we should talk» Matthew started, and Justin realized again he had no escape this time. He didn’t look at him, so he couldn’t notice how worried Matt seemed, but he couldn’t stop either from fidgeting in his own spot against the kitchen counter, with no effort in trying to hide how nervous he was. Gosh, he wanted a cigarette right about now.

He was used to fleeing problems—he was fucking good at it too, but this time he knew he couldn’t do what he always did. Because it was dragging him to the point of exhaustion, and he was worn out from all the overthinking.

«You’re acting weird… I mean, really weird, even for your standards», Matthew seemed a bit insecure of what he was talking about, as if, just like Justin, he wasn’t prepared at all for the conversation.

I already know, Justin though, sipping his beer.

«It seems like you’re really worried about how our friendship is right now, but you never did, I mean, we’re close, Justin» and Matthew tenderly brushed the lanky man’s arm, searching for the courage he needed to keep talking. He recognized how odd that was coming from such a confident person. «And we’ve always been, and at first I didn’t understand why you were walking on eggshells around me— it’s really creeping me out, and…» Matthew drawled and then stopped. He took a sip from his beer and coughed, choosing his words carefully. «I’ve talked with Michael, and I realized that it may be my fault».

Justin furrowed his brows, turning his face to the other man. He’d heard what the other one said, even replayed those words in his mind, but still, he didn’t quite comprehend the part where it was supposedly Matt’s fault. For a moment, Justin had thought that Matthew read through the lies and through him, and he couldn’t hide anymore the fact that, yeah, there was something unspoken and unresolved between them, but…

«What?» Justin asked, probably a bit too loud, because Matthew almost startled. His brows furrowed upon his face, with a look that seemed both puzzled and pissed.

How could it be his fault, since it was Justin the one tormenting himself over a thing that… maybe wasn’t even “a thing”?

Matthew raised his glance to the ceiling, keeping touch with Justin’s arms; it was somehow as if he really wanted to look at him in the eyes, but he couldn’t actually bring himself to do it. He simply thought that if he glanced him in that exact moment, Justin would have read through him and would draw conclusions without giving him the time to explain things. Justin was exactly like that.

«When we talked about you feeling beaten, because of that horrible date, I gave you advice, because that’s what good friends do, and I may have said something that made you uncomfortable», Matthew spoke slowly. It was slightly off putting, because he usually didn’t talk like that. Lasky felt uneasy again, as if he was supposed to expect bad news.

He gave Matt a puzzled look, placing his cup on the counter, and crossing his arms across his chest. His eyes bore into the kitchen table in front of him, not really watching it. Justin was losing contact with reality, retreating more and more into his head as Matthew kept talking.

«You know, I said you don’t need to grow affectionate toward people»

But he did.

«But just fool around a bit more»

He couldn’t really.

«You don’t want a relationship»

But he did want to be closer to Matthew

«And you just need to be fucked and enjoy yourself»

Yeah, he did, but the problem was he already had an idea of who could restlessly fuck him until morning,

«And I may or may not have offered you sex…»

Ah. So he meant it.

Justin suddenly regained awareness of his surroundings. Raising his glance to the other man – who wasn’t matching his look – he widened his eyes in disbelief, caught out of surprise. Ok, yeah, he really excruciated himself over that suggestion, he did, but somehow he didn’t really expect a confirmation about it. He wasn’t prepared. At all. He had examined all the different outcomes of speaking with Matthew, and that one was something that didn’t even glimpsed in Justin’s mind.

«And, look—»

But Lasky abruptly interrupted him: «I jerked off, thinking about you. Few times, actually».

God, it was a fucking relief.

…but Justin regretted it quickly, when Matthew turned facing towards him, he matched his astonished and bewildered look. Justin opened his mouth not sure of what he was supposed to say, and Matt blinked few times in his direction.

«I… spent an entire week avoiding you, because that made me frigging uncomfortable towards you» Justin started, skeptical because he didn’t really know how that conversation was supposed to end once he had begun, «and it’s not your fault, it’s me, because I’m fucking twisted and fucked up, and I couldn’t stop thinking about our relationship, and how, I think, I’ve always found you quite attractive…?» he admitted, and looking at Matt’s figure, he forced himself to not focus on that beard, which was growing more and more day by day, making him fucking sexier than he had ever been, «…and I think that’s the reason I always wanted to be closer to you, but I couldn’t push myself in doing it, because between friends things become easily awkward and weird, and I don’t want to ruin things again» he drawled, gulping loudly, realizing things as he continued to speak. So, that’s how it works when you go to a psychologist.

«I always ruin things, because I have this rotten mind of mine, which I really can’t handle, and though I really want to be fucked by you, and at the same time be a better friend to you than what I have been until now is driving me fucking crazy… I know we… we shared bed with another guy, we kissed, and touched, and everything, but I think it was since then that I couldn’t stop thinking about these things».

Once he finished, he found himself craving for water, his throat aching. He probably should have focused on the fact he literally spilled all the T in just one moment, and Matthew – judging from his look – wasn’t prepared for that, but the only thing Justin could concentrate on was the fact that he needed a fucking glass of water. He didn’t know if it was an odd shielding-mechanism or something, he simply couldn’t think about the conversation – monologue – they were having.

He avoided Matthew’s look until he finished speaking, then he faced him for the third time, unsure if he had definitively ruined everything or if he would be the core of Matthew’s jokes for the next 20 years.

Justin felt freed from a chain which was really suffocating him, and at the same time he was both worried and relieved, because speaking it out loud allowed him to draw the right conclusion to all his thought.

In the end, he needed Matthew. Not only for a one-night-stand – he couldn’t do anything for the sexual tension that resurfaced between them – he needed Matthew by his side as it had always been. And he wanted to reciprocate it, because in some crooked ways it gave him life to feel closer to him.

Justin wasn’t sure how it worked, it was something really bizarre which he couldn’t label yet.

«So—» but Justin couldn’t finish his sentence, because, while nobody was really minding them, too busy in laughing and screaming towards Willam and Courtney, who were now dancing on the couch, Matthew leaned closer, a hand tenderly caressing his cheek, the other hand grabbing the arm his fingers were gently caressing few minutes before… Justin had almost forgotten how the real sensation of those plump and full lips was, but when Matthew shut his mouth with his own, kissing him, Justin realized how reality was frigging better than fantasies.

Matt mentally appointed to himself that he should really offer Roxxxy lunch next time they would meet.

#please remember your tags!! #chykopon #detox icunt #alaska thunderfuck #ggg: girl get a grip #rpdr fanfiction #submission #alaska x detox #rare pair #s5

[chelsorz07]

i don’t sleep and i can’t follow directions

I don’t take credit for these questions.

How many concerts have you been to? I’ve lost count. Dozens.

Have you been to any festivals? Warped Tour, three times.

Which artist/band have you seen the most live?  The Summer Set, four times. First concert you went to?  Clay Walker and Lorrie Morgan, 1994. Last concert you went to? Goo Goo Dolls at Darien Lake last year. We always try to go to the Buffalo shows since they’re from there and it’s the closest venue to our hometown. What is your next concert? As of right now, All Time Low in Pittsburgh July 25. It’s the day before my birthday so Dave got us VIP tickets. And I bought one for my sister.

Which artists/bands would you love to see live?  There are too many to name. A lot I’ve seen before. But my biggest one is Paramore. The farthest you’ve traveled to go to a concert?  Six hours. Four to get back home to pick up Dave’s brother and then another two from there to Darien Lake.

Best opening act you’ve seen? The first time I saw Set it Off they were opening for Every Avenue, and I fell in love with them immediately. And I love love loved Austin Gibbs when he opened for The Maine.   Worst opening act you’ve seen? They weren’t bad, per say, but I wasn’t really into Chester French when we saw GGD and the Spill Canvas. 

Have you met any bands/artists at a concert?  Louden Swain. What’s one thing you have to bring to a concert?  Camera. What’s the most you’ve paid for a ticket?  I think the last time I saw Alabama with my sister and her husband they were over a hundred apiece but my ticket was a birthday gift. Most I’ve ever paid was probably around $60. Best concert you’ve been to? Alabama both times, Goo Goo Dolls & Spill Canvas in 2010, and Every Avenue in 2012.   Worst concert you’ve been to?  I’ve never been to a bad one. Have you been in a social media post an artist posted after a show?  Probbbbably not. Funniest concert memory? This doesn’t have anything to do with the concert itself, but at Every Avenue my friend Tyler told me my hair looked voluptuous when he meant voluminous and we still laugh about it five years later.   Do you buy your tickets as soon as they go on sale, after, or the day of? Whenever I can.   Have you ever been noticed by an artist at a concert?  YES Alex and Jeremy from Mayday Parade both pointed at me when I was like two feet away from them.

Have you met any internet friends at a concert?  No but at Pittcon last year I made friends with the couple sitting next to me during Louden Swain and we still talk on twitter sometimes. Which concert that you’ve been to has had the best stage setup/production? Keith Urban for sure. Have you ever caught a guitar pick, drumstick, got a setlist, etc.? I got a guitar pick during Boys Like Girls a long time ago but I don’t know where it is. Favorite concert venue?  Darien Lake. Least favorite concert venue? Actually I’m not a fan of the First Niagara Center in Buffalo. Too big. 

Which do you prefer: indoor or outdoor concerts?  Outdoor unless it’s like a bar. Which do you prefer: clubs, theaters, arenas, or stadiums?  Clubs I guess. Does Darien Lake count as a stadium?  Have you ever missed school or work to go to a concert? I’ve taken off work but I had paid vacation time.   Have you ever been surprised with tickets from someone?  Yep. My family got me Keith Urban tickets for my 16th birthday. And for both Pittcon and the upcoming ATL show Dave surprised me. He just sent me screenshots of the order confirmations lol

Who do you enjoy going to concerts with?  Anyone. I live for concerts. General admission or seated concerts? Both. Have you been to multiple dates for one tour?  No but I would if I had the disposable income. Have you been to concerts 2 or more days in a row? Nope. Have you ever received free tickets from a contest or an artist’s crew? Nah, they were either birthday gifts or I bought them myself. Luckily my birthday falls right in the middle of prime concert season. Have you been front row and/or back row for a concert?  I’ve been right up to the stage at GA shows, never been way in the back. Have you ever gotten sick, bruised, or broken a bone after a concert? No I just always lose my voice from singing/screaming. Have you ever had surprise guests at a concert you attended?  Not really, but it was awesome when Jason Lancaster came out to sing Miserable at Best with Mayday Parade even though he was touring with Go Radio at the time.  Did you start listening to an opening act after you saw them in concert?  SET IT OFF!!! What’s the latest you’ve got home from a concert?  Jeez, like 3 or 4am I think. When is the earliest you’ve arrived to a venue for a concert? A couple hours before. Have you seen your favorite artist in concert?  Yes, several of them. Keith Urban three times, Goo Goo Dolls three times, and Alabama twice. This year will be my second time seeing All Time Low. Longest you’ve waited in line for a concert?  Like an hour maybe. Lines usually move along pretty quickly were I come from. Have you ever attended a concert alone? No, half the fun of going is being with friends. I have, however, broken off from my group at Warped if we wanted to see different bands that were playing at the same time. 

What’s the best part of a concert in your opinion?  Uh, everything? The music, the energy, the memories, the beer. It’s the only, literally ONLY, time I ever feel comfortable being around a huge crowd because we’re all there for the same thing and just totally feeling it all. It’s amazing.

Have you ever heard/seen an artist soundcheck before their show?  At Warped you kinda have to because everything moves so fast. What’s the biggest venue you’ve been to a concert at?  I mean the setup for Warped is pretty big but idk if it’s as big as First Niagara. What’s the smallest venue you’ve been to a concert at?  Bars for local bands. And yes, I believe they count. Have you ever had side stage seats?  No but I’ve been at a couple standing room shows where I got pretty damn close. Which venue have you been to the most concerts at?  Darien Lake. Do you post a lot about a concert you’ve attended on social media or very little?  Maybe a few posts each, unless it’s like a huge deal for me to have been there, then I’ll go nuts. Has a concert or tour you were planning on going to got cancelled?  Nope.

Have you seen a band in concert before a member left the band / they broke up?  Many. The best was Every Avenue on their last tour. Favorite song you’ve heard live?  It’s always Name. It’s not even my favorite GGD song but to hear it live is so much different. I get like legit emotional. Have you ever seen an artist/band play an album in full? No. I would have killed to see the Black Parade tour. Which artist would you refuse to see in concert?  Beyonce because she’s overrated as hell and probably super expensive. What’s the craziest thing a fan has done at a concert you’ve been to?  When I saw Breathe Carolina there was a dude in a gorilla costume and two other guys dressed like bananas and they crowdsurfed the whole time. It was hilarious. Which venue(s) would you love to go to for a concert?  CBGB, obviously, even though it’s gone and I have no other reason or desire to ever go to New York.  Have you ever been to a concert at a venue that no longer exists?  Mohawk Place in Buffalo closed not long after I was there for Set it Off/Every Avenue but they’re open again now. Have you ever lost something/got something stolen at a concert? I had an earring ripped out by a crowdsurfer once. Have people made fun of you or laughed because of how you were acting at a concert?  I doubt it. Everybody does crazy shit at shows. Have you ever been kicked out of a concert?  No. Has an artist thrown or spit water on you?  God yes, it’s awesome. Have you ever seen a security guard dance to a song at a concert?  Usually the most they’ll do is like stand there with their arms crossed and bob their head. Have you seen any acts you don’t like at a concert?  Not necessarily don’t like, just maybe openers that I’d never heard of but wasn’t feeling too much. Have you ever passed out or thrown up at a concert?  Definitely haven’t passed out. I almost threw up at Warped one year because it was so ridiculously hot though. Have you seen any artists in concerts that you don’t like anymore? I don’t think so. Once I like somebody I pretty much like them for life.

#personal #bring back myspace surveys 2k17 #i do what i want #concerts

[purplesurveys]

754

Does anyone know your bank pin number other than you? Who? I don’t even have one of those yet.

Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed? I'm not sure. I know she's told me before about being diagnosed with depression, but I’ve forgotten if it’s mild or severe, or if she has the whole thing or is just showing symptoms of it. She only mentioned it in passing so I figured it wasn’t something she wanted to touch on further.

Would you be able to climb out your bedroom window to sneak out? Probably but I’d have to be really careful to not end up shattering my legs or any other part of my body haha, but knowing me I’d probably land badly. I live on the second floor but the house isn’t that high, so I think I could give it a shot.

What would you do if you found out the last person you called was pregnant/got someone pregnant? I’d be very confused because she’s very gay and also because she’s only been staying at home since March.

Can you taste the difference between brand name food and store brand food? I wouldn’t be able to relate since store brand’s not really a thing here. Only SM makes their own stuff but they’re purposely cheaper because they’re meant to be of lower quality to begin with. Other than that, we don’t really have a choice but buy brand name.

Would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? Which one more? Just the tampons, probably. I never need condoms so I have no reason to feel awkward buying them, and in fact I’ve volunteered to buy them for Angela whenever she feels shy haha; I definitely have no reason to be embarrassed buying pads because periods are a thing. I will likely feel most awkward getting tampons since I don’t know any one person who uses them where I live and it’ll most likely be seen as an unusual purchase since they’re quite uncommon.

If a stranger went in your room, would they be able to tell what gender you are from just looking at it? Probably. I have a poster of Nam Joo Hyuk, several Audrey Hepburn memorabilia, and a lot of pink stuff so it very much looks like a stereotypical girly room. I do think it’s kinda balanced out by the amount of WWE merch I own, but yeah otherwise my other stuff screams girly.

Are your parents gullible? When it comes to home stuff my mom is basically a witch; she can immediately tell if my dog peed somewhere, if I lost something, or if a dining chair isn’t positioned right. But when it comes to fake news on Facebook she will occasionally flock to them hahaha I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to remind her that phones DO NOT emit radiation from 12AM to 5AM and that it’s only a ploy to get people to sleep early lmfao. My dad is pretty intelligent and won’t be easily fooled about anything.

Do you still own a VCR? I know my parents owned one but I don’t know if they still brought it here when we moved 12 years ago or if they already threw it out.

About how much money have you spent on food in the past two weeks? :( Zero pesos. The only thing I’ve spent on this entire quarantine was a bottle of soju I asked my dad to buy and I paid him after.

If you were in a car accident would the last person you kissed care? Yes.

If you were looking for a new pair of shoes where would you go? UPTC since they have like ten shoe stores there.

How much was the last pair of shoes you bought? I haven’t had a new pair in like a year now, but the last one we bought cost arounddddd ₱4200, if I remember correctly.

What color is the computer/laptop you’re on? Did you buy it yourself? Gray. No, it was a gift from my parents.

Do you have a second home? I guess I count my childhood home my second home. My grandma and cousins remain in that house, so we visit from time to time and when we’re there I’ve noticed that I still retain the same tendencies and habits from when I still lived there.

Would you be surprised if you saw the last person you texted smoking? I’ll use the last person I chatted in this context since I haven’t texted in a hot minute, and that person would be Andrew. I’d be quite concerned since they’ve told me they’ve quit smoking, so there must be something extremely stressful going on for them to start smoking. I’d check up on them immediately.

Does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you? I do super hate the smell of beer even though I have no other choice but to drink it sometimes; I still find the smell of cigarettes disgusting although my contempt for them has lessened over the last few years seeing as a lot of people I know are smokers so I’ve been around that smell a lot, and also because I’ve started too. I’ve never been around weed and I don’t know how it smells.

Was the last person you kissed younger or older than you? Younger by a month.

Do you think people have any misconceptions about you? Not really? What I get most frequently is people thinking I was grumpy at first, but tbh I am pretty grumpy so they aren’t far off from the truth. With me it’s usually a what you see is what you get thing whether someone’s meeting me for the first or the 78th time.

Have you ever purchased Girl Scout cookies? Nope, not a thing here. I’ve always found the variety of cookies so fascinating though and I’ve always wanted to try the Thin Mints and Samoas since they’re what I hear about the most :(

Do you like waffles? They’re okay, though I only ever eat waffles with fried chicken and never just by themselves. I prefer pancakes.

Do you watch birthing videos on a day-to-day basis? Nah man wtf? I have no reason to be doing that lmao.

Do you find piercings/tattoos attractive? I don’t find either attractive. I get curious when I see tattoo because I wonder what the story behind it is and what it means to the person who has it, that’s all. As for piercings, I don’t really like them < Pretty much. Like I don’t go looking around for tattoos on a person to find them attractive; I just like hearing the histories behind them. Same with piercings, I don’t need them to be attracted to someone.

Would you talk to someone you don’t know on the internet? Only on social media that I’m already familiar with and comfortable in, like on this Tumblr, or Twitter, sometimes Facebook. I wouldn’t go to like Quora to ask something or join forums or even post anything on Reddit.

How often do you drink Monster? Never. Energy drinks scare me lol.

Have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends? I’ve made those for myself, but not with friends. I remember filming a house tour with my flip phone’s video camera back when I was like, 8 hahaha I was ahead of our time for sure.

Do you like to buy those Warped Tour compilations? I don’t even know those existed. I just knew of Warped Tour and that all the cool bands of the time would play there, but that’s it. I’m clueless about everything else that goes on in there.

Do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth? You mean just a restaurant? Inside, for sure. I would never agree to eating outside and am always willing to wait a few extra minutes. I hate having to contend with passersby while I eat my food as I feel that it ruins the experience as well as the time I have with the person/s I’m eating with.

Do you own a nightgown? No but I had duster dresses that I’d wear to bed as a kid, if that counts lol.

Have you ever made a house out of a giant cardboard box? Probably not. My mom wouldn’t allow us to play with those and she’d immediately view them as trash that needs to be thrown out.

Have you ever made a tent out of sheets in your bedroom? No. I usually used the sheets as a cape or robe, then I’d pretend to be a queen.

Do your grandparents know how to operate a cell phone? My paternal grandparents do. My maternal grandfather used to regularly use a phone before he passed. My maternal grandmother refuses to learn :(

Have you ever had sex or something like it? Hahahaha ‘something like it.’ Yeah, I’ve had sex.

Have you ever read a George Orwell book? I tried reading 1984 when I was like 13 but didn’t understand it from the get-go. I haven’t continued it since but honestly I’m very open to revisiting it one of these days.

Have you ever worn fishnets? I don’t remember ever doing so. I feel like it’d be so uncomfortable; I hate wearing stockings as it is.

How many piercings and tattoos do you have? I only have my ears pierced and no tattoos < Sameeee.

Is someone in your family affected by Asperger’s? Nope.

In a hotel do you always nose through all the drawers and cupboards? Hahahahaha yeah, just out of curiosity. I’ve never seen anything interesting, but I keep trying.

Would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out? Be eaten out right now. I’ve had too much abstinence from sexual activity for my own liking lol < Ok it’s 1 in the afternoon but SAME lol

Do you always wear your seat belt? Honestly, no and it’s a shitty habit that I need to correct ASAP. I never notice that I’m not wearing them until it’s one of my parents riding with me and they scold me for driving out of the village without a seatbelt. I do put it on when I enter bigger cities with more police patrolling the area like Ortigas and Makati, or when I drive out of town, but usually it stays off.

Have you ever liked someone much older than you? No. I’ve had a crush on a teacher, but I obviously didn’t legit like him haha.

Have you ever been in a play? Just the annual school plays we do that all students are required to be a part of. I forgot to mention this in a recent survey but I was in an acting club in Grade 1 and I played Cinderella’s prince in our culminating play, heheh.

Do you have any secrets that nobody knows about? Sure.

Is there ice cream in your freezer? Yeah. My parents love ice cream so we always have an ample supply of their favorite flavors. Sometimes we’ll also have a tub of cookies and cream since it’s our (the kids’) favorite flavor.

Have you ever started to laugh but played it off as a cough successfully? For sure. I always laugh at inappropriate moments so I do fake coughs a lot.

Have you ever liked the lyrics of a band but hated the music? I suppose so. Hate is a strong word and I’d rather not use it, but while the music my girlfriend listens to wouldn’t be what I’d tune into on a regular basis, the lyrics are admittedly very well-written and intelligent and reflective, and I don’t mind it when she shares her favorite songs with me :)

Does your bathroom have a window? Yes but they’re high up on the wall.

Do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? No, I’m really scared of threading :( Everyone always gets out of the salon with their eyebrow area all red and tingling and it’s enough to scare me off of threading forever lmao. I’m not very conscious about how my own eyebrows look, so I just let them grow out.

When you were younger did you read the A Series Of Unfortunate Events books? I’ve only seen snippets of the movie.

Who was the last band you saw live? Paramore. I miss them already.

Do you believe prayer really works? I’m not gonna invalidate the fact that it works for a lot of people. But it’s just not my cup of tea, and I honestly don’t know how to feel whenever someone says they pray for me since I don’t believe in it anyway. Of course I thank them, but on the inside I’m always a little puzzled.

Are you a fan of the band Gym Class Heroes? Never been. I know Stereo Hearts and that was always a fun song to sing, but it’s not my favorite either.

Frosted flakes or frosted mini wheats? I don’t really have either, but I’d go with frosted flakes I guess?

Have you been on a date in the park? I would love to have one of these if we actually had parks. How nice would it be to take a long stroll, have a picnic, and just sit on a bench talking for hours?

Ever dated someone you were best friends with first? Yes. At first I didn’t want to risk it since we were reeeeeally close, but I don’t regret asking her out.

Are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family? Thankfully no. Although my grandpa and his sister did pass from heart attacks and I’m starting to be scared that it might develop to be a pattern for some of us. But other than that, both sides of the family are relatively healthy.

Do you have asthma? No. But Gab does and I get really worried once her breathing becomes labored at night. I keep telling her to get a new nebulizer after her old one broke, but I dunno what’s become of that request of mine.

Are tongue piercings slutty? No, and it’s not like being slutty is a bad thing lol.

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? No one in real life but I do still have a crush on CM Punk who’s turning 42 this year hahah. I don’t think that crush is ever gonna go away.

Last person to take off your pants, besides you? Gab.

Do you remember those cool highlighters that smelled like popcorn? I knew about markers and ballpens, but not highlighters.

Might you enjoy hanging out in the woods for day or two? No thanks. I’d rather have somewhere to go home to or rest at by the end of the day, and if I was gonna do this I prefer to be with someone who knows a thing or two about surviving in the woods.

Have you ever written something on a bathroom stall? Nope. The worst thing I’ve done was write on one of the desks in grade school.

Least favorite alcoholic drink? Out of the ones I tried, I didn’t like whisky at all. Too bitter for me < Twins. I hated the ever living shit out of Jim Beam and Jack Daniels when I tried them.

Have you ever kissed someone named Paul or Luke? I haven’t. I have a cousin named Luke that I used to babysit and I kissed him a lot when he was a baby, if that counts lol.

How did you meet the last male you texted? I met them at the Marcos heroes’ burial protests. I have no idea how I started talking to them, but I think it was because they were wearing a Nexus shirt and I told them I like it, and we started talking from there.

Have you ever had an embarrassing email address? Yup. I wasn’t allowed to make an email address when I was young so I had to sneak around and make a fake Yahoo username so my parents would never find me. I don’t remember what it was anymore but it was for sure embarrassing so I’m just grateful my brain threw that memory out.

Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand? OMG this survey is so long. I put it on my left hand.

Do you have a bull ring through your nose? Nope, no piercings.

Do you and your dad get along? Better than my mom and I.

Can you see your purse right now? Nah, it’s in my room upstairs.

Are you wearing any perfume? What kind? I am not. I haven’t had a reason to in a while.

Are there products in your hair? Just shampoo and conditioner.

When you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy? No. Whaaaat, those exist? I just blow my nose or just live through the stuffiness.

Do you actually like sneezing? I love it, it’s such an underrated sensation lmao. It feels better when you’ve actually been needing to sneeze for a while and it finally comes through.

Have you taken a shower yet today? Nope, I usually take them at night.

Do you have one best friend who is always there for you? I have two.

Do you wear skirts a lot? Not really, I don’t like skirts because I feel exposed wearing them. I prefer shorts.

Do you wear sweatpants a lot? Nope.

How many pairs of jeans do you think you have? I can remember five pairs right now, but I have many other kinds of bottoms in my closet like culottes and leggings.

Do you like hoodies? They’re okay. I find them more comfortable if they belong to someone else, hah.

Big ones or the form fitting kind? Form-fitting if I’m buying for myself; big ones if I’m borrowing from Gabie.

Do you wear polo shirts a lot? I never wear them. My mom made me wear them often as a kid and it made me feel like a boy, so I’ve kinda had a predisposition to be wary of them as I got older since I was teased frequently enough about being a tomboy as a kid as it is.

Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? I think we probably did.

Are you one of those people who claim to live with no regrets? I have one big regret and the rest of my ‘regrets’ are small and are stuff like “I regret not picking up food on my way home because I’m now hungry.” The way I’ve always thought is that I did the things I did before because I chose to do them and I was happy to do them, and I’ve honestly felt barely any regret even though things didn’t turn out the best. There’ve been mistakes but I’ve just chosen to learn from them instead of regretting them at the same time. Do you love your computer? Love it.

Do you drink coffee? Yeah. I’ve been doing it a lot this quarantine but I think it’s been giving me headaches, so I stopped for now.

Do you basically like all of your clothes? No. There are some at the bottom of the pile that I’m no longer crazy about anymore.

Do you shop mostly with your parents, your friends, or by yourself? My mom. She tends to know what looks best on me, and she also pays for the clothes hahaha.

#survey #surveys

[eldritchsurveys]

761.

Does anyone know your bank pin number other than you? Who? >> Yeah, Sparrow does.

Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed? >> Sure.

Would you be able to climb out your bedroom window to sneak out? >> Absolutely not, I live on the third floor. --Well, I could climb out, and I might even survive, but... let’s just say it’s pretty goddamn risky. Anyway, I’m an adult and I don’t have to sneak out of my own apartment, so it’s irrelevant.

What would you do if you found out the last person you called was pregnant/got someone pregnant? >> ---

Can you taste the difference between brand name food and store brand food? >> Depends on the food. Some foods are pretty easy to dupe and it’s not a problem, but not all of them.

Would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? Which one more? >> No, dude.

If a stranger went in your bedroom, would they be able to tell what gender you are from just looking at it? >> I don’t know what someone would guess, it depends on what people use as markers for gender. Besides, I don’t subscribe to a specific gender, so whatever they’d guess would be wrong regardless.

Are your parents gullible? >> ---

Do you still own a VCR? >> I’ve never owned a VCR. By the time I left home, DVDs had won the battle.

About how much money have you spent on food in the past two weeks? >> I haven’t spent any money on food. Sparrow’s unemployment checks have paid for the groceries, because just one of those was still more than I get in a month.

If you were in a car accident would the last person you kissed care? >> I mean, of course the Inworlders would care.

If you were looking for a new pair of shoes where would you go? >> I wouldn’t go anywhere, right now. But in general, I still have no idea where I would go. I’ve always hated shoe shopping, almost more than I hate other clothes shopping.

How much was the last pair of shoes you bought? >> The last pair of shoes I got were about $70 or $80. I didn’t buy them, Sparrow did.

What color is the computer/laptop you’re on? Did you buy it yourself? >> Silver. No, Sparrow’s Best Buy card bought it.

Do you have a second home? >> No.

Would you be surprised if you saw the last person you texted smoking? >> A little, yeah, because the last time I saw her smoke anything was back when I first got here and was still a smoker myself.

Does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you? >> The smell of cigarettes can be repulsive to me, which I’ve heard is pretty common amongst ex-smokers. Also, my sensory defensiveness is higher than it used to be, so. The smell of beer doesn’t usually repulse me, but that can vary depending on what kind of day I’m having. The smell of weed is often too strong for my liking, but I don’t necessarily hate it. I just can’t be around it for too long because of, I repeat, sensory defensiveness.

Was the last person you kissed younger or older than you? >> ---

Do you think people have any misconceptions about you? >> Well, duh. Just like I probably have plenty of misconceptions about other people.

Have you ever purchased Girl Scout cookies? >> Yeah.

Do you like waffles? >> Yeah.

Do you watch birthing videos on a day-to-day basis? >> That... seems like one hell of a hobby.

Do you find piercings/tattoos attractive? >> I find them fun and interesting and cool to look at and talk about and learn about. I guess that can be summed up under “attractive”.

Would you talk to someone you don’t know on the internet? >> I always talk to people I don’t know on the internet, it’s kind of part of the experience (unless you just never use the social aspect of the internet).

How often do you drink Monster? >> Never, I hate Monster.

Have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends? >> Maybe. I don’t really remember doing so, but it’s a possibility.

Do you like to buy those Warped Tour compilations? >> No, but I vaguely remember them.

Do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth? >> I don’t think I prefer one or the other by itself -- it’s usually a combination of different elements that determines whether I’ll sit on the inside or the outside of a booth.

Do you own a nightgown? >> No.

Have you ever made a house out of a giant cardboard box? >> No.

Have you ever made a tent out of sheets in your bedroom? >> No.

Do your grandparents know how to operate a cell phone? >> ---

Have you ever had sex or something like it? >> Yes to... both?

Have you ever read a George Orwell book? >> No, because though I started it, I never finished 1984.

Have you ever worn fishnets? >> Yeah, many times.

How many piercings and tattoos do you have? >> Two [sets of] piercings and three tattoos.

Is someone in your family affected by Asperger’s? >> ---

In a hotel do you always nose through all the drawers and cupboards? >> No.

Would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out? >> I’d definitely rather go out to eat, thanks.

Do you always wear your seat belt? >> Yeah. What’s funny is I was never made to wear one as a child. I had to get used to seatbelts in adulthood. I... have no idea why that is. Not a good look, though.

Have you ever liked someone much older than you? >> Sure.

Have you ever been in a play? >> Yeah, once.

Do you have any secrets that nobody knows about? >> I mean, I wouldn’t call them “secrets” because it’s not that deep, but yeah, there are plenty of things the average acquaintance doesn’t know about me.

Is there ice cream in your freezer? >> Yeah.

Have you ever started to laugh but played it off as a cough successfully? >> Probably.

Have you ever liked the lyrics of a band but hated the music? >> Yeah, that’s kind of how I feel about The Mountain Goats. The lyrics always seem interesting, but then I listen to the song itself and I’m like “bleh...”

Does your bathroom have a window? >> No, and god, I’d give an organ for a bathroom with a fucking window.

Do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? >> No.

When you were younger did you read the A Series Of Unfortunate Events books? >> No.

Who was the last band you saw live? >> Hozier and crew.

Do you believe prayer really works? >> It depends on what you expect prayer to do. I think it works greatly for focusing one’s mind and will, for feeling connected to whatever numinous force you’re into, and for the meditative effect. I also think it works to calm one down, to relieve stress, that sort of thing -- which can be helpful when you’re trying to heal from an illness or something, when you think about the body holistically. Now, if you want to claim that prayer literally causes divine power to come out of the universe and, say, completely eradicate a person’s cancer... well, I mean, I just don’t know about that, is all.

Are you a fan of the band Gym Class Heroes? >> No.

Frosted flakes or frosted mini wheats? >> I used to love frosted mini-wheats... it’s been forever since I had those.

Have you been on a date in the park? >> Something like that.

Ever dated someone you were best friends with first? >> Something like that.

Are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family? >> ---

Do you have asthma? >> Nope. I should have, almost everyone else born in my area at that time period was riddled with respiratory ailments. Bad air up in Elizabethport.

Are tongue piercings slutty? >> Sigh.

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? >> That’s basically a foundational criterion for me to consider someone attractive, lmfao.

Last person to take off your pants, besides you? >> No one takes off my pants except me.

Do you remember those cool highlighters that smelled like popcorn? >> No.

Might you enjoy hanging out in the woods for day or two? >> Absolutely.

Have you ever written something on a bathroom stall? >> No.

Least favorite alcoholic drink? >> Hmm... I guess gin. Rarely will I drink a gin-based cocktail.

Have you ever kissed someone named Paul or Luke? >> Maybe? I don’t know.

How did you meet the last male you texted? >> ---

Have you ever had an embarrassing email address? >> No.

Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand? Left. I had to mime that. <-- lol yeah, same.

Do you have a bull ring through your nose? >> I mean, yeah, more or less.

Do you and your dad get along? >> :|

Can you see your purse right now? >> ---

Are you wearing any perfume? What kind? >> No.

Are there products in your hair? >> No.

When you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy? >> Sometimes, when I get aggravated enough.

Do you actually like sneezing? >> No.

Have you taken a shower yet today? >> No.

Do you have one best friend who is always there for you? >> ---

Do you wear skirts a lot? >> No.

Do you wear sweatpants a lot? >> I don’t have enough pairs to wear them a lot, but let me tell you, if I had more they’re pretty much all I would wear as far as outside clothing goes.

How many pairs of jeans do you think you have? >> I have three pairs, I don’t have to guess.

Do you like hoodies? >> I love hoodies.

Big ones or the form fitting kind? >> Big ones.

Do you wear polo shirts a lot? >> I never wear polo shirts.

Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? >> No.

Are you one of those people who claim to live with no regrets? >> I mean, I don’t necessarily feel great about everything I’ve done, but I’m not going to obsess about it either. All I can do is try to learn from my mistakes moving forward, and hope my brain doesn’t turn on me and make me do more things I’ll have to learn from. I don’t know, man, “regret” just doesn’t feel like a thing I fully comprehend.

Do you love your computer? >> I sure do. Both of them.

Do you drink coffee? >> No.

Do you basically like all of your clothes? >> Sure. When I stop liking them, I get rid of them.

Do you shop mostly with your parents, your friends, or by yourself? >> Either by myself or with Sparrow.

#surveys #survey #random survey

[lovemesomesurveys]

Does anyone know your bank pin number other than you? Who? My mom does.

Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed? No. I’m the depressed one.

Would you be able to climb out your bedroom window to sneak out? No.

What would you do if you found out the last person you called was pregnant/got someone pregnant? My mom had a hysterectomy.

Can you taste the difference between brand name food and store brand food? With some foods, yeah.

Would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? Which one more? I still get weird about that. I don’t know why.

If a stranger went in your room, would they be able to tell what gender you are from just looking at it? I bet they’d assume I was a girl, and they’d be right.

Are your parents gullible? No.

Do you still own a VCR? Nope.

About how much money have you spent on food in the past two weeks? Too much.

If you were in a car accident would the last person you kissed care? He wouldn’t even know.

If you were looking for a new pair of shoes where would you go? I’d look around the mall.

How much was the last pair of shoes you bought? I didn’t buy them (they were a gift), but they were like $80 something, I think.

What color is the computer/laptop you’re on? Did you buy it yourself? White. No, it was a gift as well.

Do you have a second home? No.

Would you be surprised if you saw the last person you texted smoking? Extremely.

Does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you? The smell of cigarettes does.

Was the last person you kissed younger or older than you? A year younger.

Do you think people have any misconceptions about you? Probably.

Have you ever purchased Girl Scout cookies? Yep, many times over the years. I just bought some yesterday.

Do you like waffles? Yesss.

Do you watch birthing videos on a day-to-day basis? Wtf. I don’t ever watch birthing videos. I have no desire to watch any.

Do you find piercings/tattoos attractive? Not really.

Would you talk to someone you don’t know on the internet? I’ve talked to a lot people on the internet that I don’t know in “real” life.

How often do you drink Monster? I haven’t had one in years.

Have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends? Yes.

Do you like to buy those Warped Tour compilations? No.

Do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth? On the outside.

Do you own a nightgown? Yes.

Have you ever made a house out of a giant cardboard box? I don’t think so.

Have you ever made a tent out of sheets in your bedroom? Yeppp. My cousins and I made forts all the time.

Do your grandparents know how to operate a cell phone? Yes. They both have a Facebook, too.

Have you ever had sex or something like it? “or something like it” lol that sounds odd. Anyway, no, I have not.

Have you ever read a George Orwell book? No.

Have you ever worn fishnets? Yeah.

How many piercings and tattoos do you have? I just have my earlobes pierced.

Is someone in your family affected by Asperger’s? No.

In a hotel do you always nose through all the drawers and cupboards? Nah.

Would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out? Wow...

Do you always wear your seat belt? Yes. It’s such a simple, quick thing to do and it can save your life. No excuses!

Have you ever liked someone much older than you? Only celebrities.

Have you ever been in a play? Yes. My 3rd grade class put on a play.

Do you have any secrets that nobody knows about? Yeah.

Is there ice cream in your freezer? Yeah. My dad wanted to try the new Twinkie ice cream.

Have you ever started to laugh but played it off as a cough successfully? Not successfully, no. ha.

Have you ever liked the lyrics of a band but hated the music? Probably.

Does your bathroom have a window? Nope.

Do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? No. I tweeze them myself.

When you were younger did you read the A Series Of Unfortunate Events books? Yeppp. I’ve been meaning to watch the Netflix series, but haven’t gotten to it yet. 

Who was the last band you saw live? Green Day.

Do you believe prayer really works? Absolutely.

Are you a fan of the band Gym Class Heroes? I liked a few songs. Haven’t heard anything new from them in awhile.

Frosted flakes or frosted mini wheats? Both. I think I’ve done this survey before... I remember this question. It’s not one of those common ones found in a lot of surveys either. The others didn’t sound familiar, though. Huh.

Have you been on a date in the park? No.

Ever dated someone you were best friends with first? Yes.

Are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family? My maternal grandmother had diabetes, and my mom has it as well. Some family members on my dad’s side had cancer.

Do you have asthma? No.

Are tongue piercings slutty? No.

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? Alexander Skarsgård is 40, and he’s absolutely stunning.

Last person to take off your pants, besides you? That’s it.

Do you remember those cool highlighters that smelled like popcorn? Ew, no. I like the smell of real popcorn, but popcorn scented things miss the mark to me. I can’t imagine a highlighter with that scent would be good. Popcorn flavored things are horrible, too.  Those popcorn Jelly Belly jellybeans are  d i s g u s t i n g.

Might you enjoy hanging out in the woods for day or two? Nooo.

Have you ever written something on a bathroom stall? No.

Least favorite alcoholic drink? All of them.

Have you ever kissed someone named Paul or Luke? No.

How did you meet the last male you texted? He’s my brother.

Have you ever had an embarrassing email address? Yeah, my very first one I’m sure. Probably a few, actually. I wish I could remember some of them.

Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand? My left hand.

Do you have a bull ring through your nose? No.

Do you and your dad get along? Yes.

Can you see your purse right now? Yes.

Are you wearing any perfume? What kind? Nope.

Are there products in your hair? No.

When you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy? Sometimes.

Do you actually like sneezing? No, not particularly. Especially if there’s a few back to back.

Have you taken a shower yet today? I will tonight.

Do you have one best friend who is always there for you? They probably would be if I allowed them to be. If I actually went to them if I needed advice or someone to talk to.

Do you wear skirts a lot? Nope. It’s been a couple years since I last wore one.

Do you wear sweatpants a lot? No. I wear leggings or pajama pants a lot.

How many pairs of jeans do you think you have? Maybe like seven.

Do you like hoodies? I love ‘em.

Big ones or the form fitting kind? The form fitting kind. I do have one big one that I love, though.

Do you wear polo shirts a lot? Nope. I don’t have any.

Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? I don’t think so.

Are you one of those people who claim to live with no regrets? Ha, nopeee. I have many.

Do you love your computer? Yes.

Do you drink coffee? What a silly question. Of course I do. Every single day.

Do you basically like all of your clothes? Yeah.

Do you shop mostly with your parents, your friends, or by yourself? With my mom.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[sativasaku]

About Saku

I know this is one of those send a number to my ask things but I’m bored af and I’m gonna fill out this whole bitch lol

1: Full name Saku

2: Zodiac sign Cancer sun, Scorpio moon, Capricorn rising.

3: 3 Fears Snakes, rejection, failure.

4: 3 things I love The moon, crystals, drawing.

5: 4 turns on Good smell, big hands, scruffy face? xD

6: 4 turns off Bad smell, smol hands, baby face? LOL

7: My best friend Adam (my boyfriend)

AND MADISEN I MEAN I GUESS

8: Sexual orientation Bisexual

9: My best first date Uhhhhh idr lol

10: How tall am I 5'6’’

11: What do I miss My pipe I broke a few weeks ago (RIP Rhaegal)

12: What time were I born 9:42 pm

13: Favourite color Green, teal and orange.

14: Do I have a crush Jon Snow

15: Favourite quote Idfk

16: Favourite place Oregon.

17: Favourite food Pho and ramen.

18: Do I use sarcasm Not really lol

19: What am I listening to right now Dr Phil ripping someone a new one.

20: First thing I notice in new person Idfk.. I always feel vibes lol

21: Shoe size 8 ½

22: Eye color Blue/green

23: Hair color Black.

24: Favourite style of clothing Boho, comfy hippie fashion. Also goth/witchy 😘

25: Ever done a prank call? When I was a teenager lol

26: What colour of underwear I’m wearing now? Light blue and black.

27: Meaning behind my URL Saku has been my OC/pen name since I was like 13. Targaryen is from Game of Thrones.

28: Favourite movie I hate his question 😅 Blair Witch Project, Hayou Miyazaki films, A Tale of Two Sisters, Harry Potter, Se7en, Labyrinth,

29: Favourite song Rain of Brass Petals 3 Voices edit

30: Favourite band Chevelle

31: How I feel right now So full😩😩😩

32: Someone I love My cats

33: My current relationship status Taken. Slightly open relationship? Like we would probably have a 3some with a chick 😂

34: My relationship with my parents Hmmm…

35: Favourite holiday Halloween duh.

36: Tattoos and piercing i have Nose, ears stretched to 2g, sailor moon broach on left forearm, cancer symbol + heart on right wrist, pokeball on right foot, anarchy A on left foot, crescent moon and stars on left hip.

37: Tattoos and piercing i want I have a list lol

38: The reason I joined Tumblr Boredom.

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? We are non existent to each other.

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? Not really xD

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Uhhhhh idr who I texted last 😅

42: When did I last hold hands? Idfr.

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? What are mornings

44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days? Yes

45: Where am I right now? Sitting in my closet smoking lol

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? Probably Adam…

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? LOUD.

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Yes

49: Am I excited for anything? Going back to Oregon.

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? My boyfriend.

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? Lol

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? Earlier today.

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? I’d lose my fxkin mind lol

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? Nope.

55: What is something I disliked about today? How hot my room is 😫

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Can I meet the entire cast to Game of Thrones????¿

57: What do I think about most? Anxiety

58: What’s my strangest talent? I have freakishly good aim

59: Do I have any strange phobias? Not that I can’t think of

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Uhhhh either

61: What was the last lie I told? Idfk

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? No I HATE talking on the phone like there is a 99.9% chance I will never answer your phone calls lol

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes/yes

64: Do I believe in magic? That is a diverse question

65: Do I believe in luck? No

66: What’s the weather like right now? Cool

67: What was the last book I’ve read? The first Game of Thrones

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? Sure

69: Do I have any nicknames? Saku, Taychan, Tayla, Tay

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? Either when I busted my eye open on the trampoline or when I broke my arm.

71: Do I spend money or save it? I ain’t got no money to do either 😅😅😅

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? Nope

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? My phone case.

74: Favourite animal? Cats, penguins, foxes, dragons, white tiger

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Probably smoking lol

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Homie

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? A lot of songs 😅

78: How can you win my heart? Don’t be fake. Be genuine.

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? “420 blaze it ayyyyyy lmao”

80: What is my favorite word? Fuck

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr UGHHHHH idk, everyone ?

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? Fuck you.

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? Nah.

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? The power to shit out money whenever I please

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? ☺☺☺

86: What is my current desktop picture? I don’t have a computer but my phone background is Jon Snow lol

87: Had sex? Yep

88: Bought condoms? Yep

89: Gotten pregnant? Nope

90: Failed a class? Yep

91: Kissed a boy? Yep

92: Kissed a girl? Yep

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Yeeeeeep

94: Had job? Many

95: Left the house without my wallet? Always

96: Bullied someone on the internet? Never

97: Had sex in public? Yep

98: Played on a sports team? I am not athletic at all 😅

99: Smoked weed? Everyday. 😎

100: Did drugs? Ecstasy, acid

101: Smoked cigarettes? I quit 2 years ago 👐 I smoked for nearly a decade

102: Drank alcohol? I very very rarely drink.

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? Nope 🍗🍖

104: Been overweight? Probably

105: Been underweight? Probably

106: Been to a wedding? Yep

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Try 12+

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Binge watching shows on Netflix 👍

109: Been outside my home country? No

110: Gotten my heart broken? Yep

111: Been to a professional sports game? No

112: Broken a bone? Both bones in my arm/wrist

113: Cut myself? No

114: Been to prom? No

115: Been in airplane? Many a times

116: Fly by helicopter? Nope

117: What concerts have I been to? 😅😅😅 so many! Chevelle, warped tour, extreme thing etc

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Yep. More like a “damn I’d fuck u” crush lol

119: Learned another language? I was taking Japanese in college

120: Wore make up? All the time

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? Lost it @ 15 a month before my 16th birthday

122: Had oral sex? 😘

123: Dyed my hair? Let’s just say I haven’t had my natural hair color since I was like 13

124: Voted in a presidential election? I voted… But didn’t vote for either of them so

125: Rode in an ambulance? A few times

126: Had a surgery? Yep

127: Met someone famous? YEP Laura Bailey, Mary Elizabeth Mcglynn Johnny Young Bosch etc 😍

128: Stalked someone on a social network? We all do a little creepin’

129: Peed outside? Oh yes

130: Been fishing? Yep

131: Helped with charity? Yep

132: Been rejected by a crush? Yep 😧

133: Broken a mirror? I don’t think so??

134: What do I want for birthday? I want to go to Oregon. But I also want my medical card lol

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? I have 3 cat kids now and their names are Yuki, Kittler and Arya

136: Was I named after anyone? Some country singer 😐

137: Do I like my handwriting? Not really

138: What was my favourite toy as a child? My puffy (stuffed bear thing I still have actually lol)

139: Favourite Tv Show? GAME OF THRONES

140: Where do I want to live when older? Oregon

141: Play any musical instrument? Violin, little bit if piano. Havent played either in years tho

142: One of my scars, how did I get it? I got drop kicked on a trampoline when I was younger and had to get stitched right under my left eyebrow, you can still see the scar.

143: Favourite pizza toping? PINEAPPLE BITCHES 🖕🖕🖕🖕

144: Am I afraid of the dark? No

145: Am I afraid of heights? Not really

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Lol yes 😂 One time I snuck out @ like midnight and my Mom just so happened to be driving down the same street and picked my ass up and took me home LOL. I snuck back out when she left again.

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Who hasn’t?

148: What I’m really bad at Wow, a lot of shit 😅😅😅 Dealing/talking with people is my worst probably. I’m bad at math and being an adult

149: What my greatest achievments are My art

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me Don’t wanna talk about it

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery Buy a house in Oregon.

152: What do I like about myself I guess my drawing skills. And loyalty.

153: My closest Tumblr friend Don’t have tumblr friends yo

154: Something I fantasise about Yo mama

155: Any question you’d like 👉👌

#me #pagan #wicca #wiccan #pagans of tumblr #witches of tumblr