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#psych ward

Psych Ward Stuff

So, we ended up going to the psych ward. One of us was in denial over us existing again (which is fine, life is complicated and so is this) the problem was they wanted to hurt themselves / die and they were having wild mood swings and were very angry and wanted us all to die as well.

And so they were trying to convince us to let them hurt us because we “weren’t real” And as such we realized that they really needed help and we’re struggling more than we would be able to help on our own. And we were worried that if they took over somehow they might do some major harm before we could stop it.

So I (D / protector) told our therapist the next day and she didn’t know we were plural but she was kind, and agreed that to keep us all safe we’d probably need to go to the hospital or psych ward.

We get taken to the psych ward, talk to a social worker, are admitted, etc.

It’s hard though. Being there. We try to explain we are plural and that I (D / protector) am the one up front and that they can only talk to me because the one of us (who I won’t name but will refer to as X for this posts purposes) was trying to hurt us and themselves and that they weren’t wanting to talk.

The psychiatrist doesn’t seem to believe me. Probably thought we were delusional or psychotic but definitely didn’t believe in DID.

“We need to talk to X”

“Well that’s not how this works I can’t just force a switch and they don’t want to talk to you”

“Well we don’t want to talk to you as alters as much as we need to talk to Q specifically so she can maintain control of you all (something else about us not fronting and how the things they know about DID usually focus around integration, which we made very clear none of us wanted)”

“That’s not how this works, we usually cooperate pretty well and take control at different times and we aren’t going to just never front or let ourselves exist. I’m just trying to get us help”

“Well we have to talk to X”

“LOOK you can talk to me and I’ll tell you what they say or maybe what they feel if they tell me and I’ll tell you anything I know but they don’t want to talk to you”

Anyways I (D) tell them what they start asking and such. Lots of little problems ensue. They put us on an antipsychotic. We aren’t psychotic. I was angry. But apparently it also works for mood swings and suicidal thinking and such so I just take it and hopefully it helps X (it kind of does).

We (collectively) are very upset at being told we don’t exist which is what the doctor was trying to imply several times. It affected me especially as it was said about me specifically right to my face.

But… We DO exist. And we quite clearly match all symptoms for DID it’s not like it doesn’t exist in their manual, it has a known cause, it’s not that uncommon etc.

They also asked me ( D ) to explain what trauma in childhood. I dissociated. Talked about the physical, emotional, verbal, emotional, and sexual stuff that I remembered specifically myself. Not in detail. But in almost a list. Just saying sad thing after painful thing after terrifying thing after thing that made us cry etc. It was hard.

The way they asked was so horrible too. Have you ever been sexually or physically abused or abused at all and when including in childhood.“

So that was… Awful.

But now I’m on edge the next day. Have to protect us all. We can’t do the things that comfort us. We’re autistic and of course that is the same for all of us. We can’t rock, or tap ourselves, chirp and make little noises, have to try really hard not to parrot stuff back sometimes, no rocking, just no stimming, have to be in bright lights, aren’t allowed to stay to ourselves, it was just torture.

Our mom visits that night. We told her some stuff. She was emotional that was that.

Basically more of the same. The medicine helps a tiny bit, they aren’t helping us get set up with trauma therapy (frequent intense therapy is probably what we need the most) we keep trying not to stim or anything.

Basically nothing was done except we were kept safe for which I am thankful and the meds helped us stay more calm and Q especially.

Nothing was really helpful after that until Q and I talked to the social worker for an hour right before we left. We talked about our struggles with DID and autism, how the trauma memories are coming up and being remembered more frequently now that we’re all cooperating and that it’s hard, that night is hard, that being here is hard, that nobody believes we exist, etc. We basically pour out everything we’ve held in.

And shockingly, he believes us.

He believes we exist.

Says he’s been helping people with DID on and off for 30 years.

He says a lot of helpful things. Some sage wisdom or whatever you want to call it. But it did help.

The thing that stuck out to us most though is that he said "No healing can be done from a place of fear. If you’re scared of where you live, whose around you, all the things you all have to do, you can’t heal that way. Nobody can. What you need to focus on is that getting into housing and on your disability, maybe working a little if you can, that’s what is most important. And once you are stable, then you can work on the trauma with a therapist. You have to work on those things when a bit more stable so you can focus on that completely with a therapist without overwhelming yourselves. You all have a lot on your plates. You need to fix what you can, be patient, get out of a place of constant fear which you’re working on, and then dealing with those things slowly over time that have hurt all of you. The doctor wouldn’t diagnose you but the label doesn’t matter, what matters is that your experience is real to each of you and you know what it is and when you’re stable you can work more consistently on getting a diagnosis and right now you just need to keep each other safe”

He says lots of other things. Lots else. And that’s paraphrased of course but it’s basically what he said. We were picked up soon after.

We were there 6 days. We’re okay now, we all love each other and are doing our best. Still struggling mentally but maybe moving forward a bit.

We’re trying to get out of our place of fear. Working on the little things so we can get to the big things.

We don’t blame X. We love X and they know that now. And they love us. Was just a rough few days.

- D

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Finally, I am able to talk about it!!

First thing first I got hospitalised here in Italy, so before saying I am making stuff up (I get that a lot here on the internet!) please consider that, and ask me questions in case I need to specify.

In general: Alright, psychiatrist hospitals, surely useful and saved my life, but not a fun place to be in, at all. Bad thoughts were still there, they just monitored me all day every day, filling me up with drugs I did not want to take, but I was too numb and high on said drugs to refuse, high 42/7 in a truly tiring way. They would call you in a room during specific times of the day, and watched you as you took all of your meds, then let you go.

Social life: Doctors and nurses could not care less about you, your true allies and friend were other patient: most of them were fun to hang around with, oversharing every single detail of their life, others would just not talk- with no in-betweens. I of course overshared, there were NO social rules, NO awkwardness, we were all too high and looking for human contact to care about those. I met A LOT of sweet people over there, they all got out before me so I hope they’re alright 

Free time: tv was allowed in our section, the remote however wasn’t. There were a lot of puzzles, and I spent a lot of time redoing the one with bunnies on it. There was a little dining room with a good view where I would spend most of my time sharing stories with other patients.

Rules: No shoelaces, no shoes, no pencils, no sharpeners (so no drawing, unfortunately), no lighters (police had to come in to light up your cig), no scarves, no phones. There were 4 “levels”, from 1 to 4: if you were a 1 you couldn’t exit the facility, a 4 however could get out with permission whenever they wanted to. Also, we were all locked in with a code that could be unlocked only using the staff’s ID cards.

Pros:

  1. Being so high I couldn’t understand the gravity of the situation
  2. walking in public in my pjs and comfy slippers
  3. tea

Cons: yes

A few surreal events:

  • Guy took off his shirt, yelling he was free to do whatever he wanted to
  • Two girls getting in a fight because ?
  • This one guy who only talked to me saying he got sent to the psychiatrist hospital because his parents put a camera in his bedroom and he did heroin in front of it to show how much he didn’t care
  • This doctor who held his hand up as to high five me, and when I did he laughed, saying I was supposed to shake his hand. how was-
  • That guy who sometimes slept on the floor until someone picked him up
  • walked in the smokers room, saw this guy receiving a blowjob, walked out of the smokers room
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The stresses of this world

May be too much for this poor sad girl

So she’ll go hide inside again

And her body will be taken over by her friend

-

-

-

Life is weird with my mental disorder but I shall continue to create and hope my dreams come true.

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Wow haven’t been on here for ages. No one will see this but I have just come out of a 3 month private psych admission. It was long and hard, spent xmas, my birthday and New Years in there. Many med changes but we finally found a good combo probably the best I’ve had. I’m kind of proud of myself for sticking it out. I asked for discharge so many times but managed to agree to stay and it has paid off.

But now the really hard work starts being home and managing on my own. I’m doing the outpatient dbt course which is hard but we’ll see how it goes.

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Just saw my psychologist for 45 mins. He just gets more and more shocked when i see him, he just about laughs at how fucked up i am. He said I’m going to end up in Graylands again which is the states biggest mental hospital and probably the forensic unit. I told him some of the stuff i was doing and he was like thats not good for your schizophrenia. Like i thought, he’s worried I’m off meds and can see I’m getting worse but he doesn’t know how to help. Thank god he’s only a psychologist and not a psychiatrist or else I’d be in hospital right now. He wants to see me on Monday again, heck u dunno if ill even make it, as i see my community corrections officer on Thursday and if she sees how badly i am, fuck I’m back in hospital. Gotta hold it all together for Thursday, and try and not breakdown.

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Start to pretend, stop pretending

It seems this game is simply never-ending

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it’s in my blood

I just can’t help it

Don’t want you here right now, let me go

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Oh, let me g-g-g-g-g-g-g-go

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I wish you hadn’t stayed, my vision’s clearer now, but I’m unafraid

Flying overseas, no time to feel the breeze

I took too many varieties

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Leaving just in time, stay there for a while

Rolling in the ocean, trying to catch her eye

Work hard and say it’s easy, do it just to please me

Tomorrow will be different, so this is why I’m leaving

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Don’t want you here right now, let me go, woo!

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Oh and even better is the unsolicited advice from some of the nurses. “You should be on the other unit it’s a better fit because of your age” yeah if you even glanced at my chart you’d know we tried that 3 times so no obviously it’s not a better fit. “Y’know, sometimes life gets hard. You just have to keep fighting” thats why I’m fucking here. Read my chart. I admitted myself because I wasn’t safe and I needed help. Or are you saying I should be able to do this without help? Either way fuck this.

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So its after 9:30 in the morning and i get a call from a private number. I answer it and it’s a lady from the hospital I was discharged from a week ago. She said she was a clinical nurse specialist and asking how things were after discharge. And I’m like yeah fine (lies) and she asked if I was taking my meds and I’m like no I haven’t taken them for 2 weeks. And she asked if I had the mental health emergency response line number and I said I did when in fact I didn’t, like I can just google it, but I never use their service anyway. We weren’t on the phone for long because I kept saying I was fine, so she’s like I’ll let you get on with your day then.

Anyway, I have an appointment with my psychologist on Monday, shit do I have a lot to tell him, without getting involuntary hospitalised haha. I don’t think he’ll be happy I’ve stopped my meds because after our first session he said to me please promise me you’ll never stop taking your meds, I stupidly said ok. He said to me during our first session that he’s been working in the field for over 15 years and hasn’t seen a case as interesting as I am, he said he’s had schizophrenics before but none like me. Compliment…or not? When we had our first session, I was telling him everything about myself as you do and then I told him I was in prison last year and he laughed because he was like shit, your story just gets more and more interesting.

I don’t know how he’s going to react about me being in hospital last week, because I was supposed to see him last Friday but I didn’t because I was in hospital, I think he tried ringing me the other day but I missed the call so I rang yesterday and made another appointment for Monday. I think deep down he wanted me in hospital, because he was trying to get me to increase my meds and have ECT. Now I’m on no meds, he’ll be happy, maybe he won’t want to see me anymore until I’m stable, I dunno.

I see my community corrections officer on Thursday. She’s always concerned about my mental health and was the one last week that made me go to hospital. I’m worse now, I’m scared she’ll send me to the forensic hospital because that’s what she keeps mentioning. I nearly went last week but agreed to go to the emergency department. But now that hospital didn’t help me she won’t want me going back there so the forensic hospital is the next step. I don’t want to be locked up with murderers and sex offenders again and the nurses were shit and kept sedating me and locking me in seclusion and had 3 nurses sitting outside my door and I wasn’t allowed to leave my room or have hot meals or cutlery. They gave me a plastic plate once and I heard them say, we have to watch her with that if she tries anything we’ll jump her. And I put one foot outside my door and they were like get back in you can’t leave your room and I wouldn’t go back in so they pushed their alarms and got security and dragged me to seclusion and injected me with shit. The next night I was sent to prison, if You ask me prison was better then that shit hole, hospital my arse, it was torture. I can’t believe my community corrections officer keeps considering sending me back there, they didn’t help me they drugged me and sent me to prison because I was too hard to handle for them.

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