#remembered watching that video with a girl i had a crush i refused to acknowledge on and realizing suddenly i wanted to fuck them both

[glittercorvid]

i wouldn't say being a lana girl in 2012 caused any of what's wrong with me but i would say it's extremely indicative of the issues i am predisposed to and did in fact make them worse, much in the same way that nicki minaj in the starships video that made me realize i wanted to have fucknasty sex with women didn't create my taste in women but it sure did reveal things about me to me and also exacerbate my preferences

#had starships stuck in my head and was too lazy to open tidal so i rewatched the video yesterday #remembered watching that video with a girl i had a crush i refused to acknowledge on and realizing suddenly i wanted to fuck them both #and then laid down and listened to the born to die album again this morning #i have grown past them both but it's still obvious they're my roots #dan.txt

[en-lista]

🖥 ... ⃕  THE CIRCUS UPLOADED A NEW VIDEO !

description : on the latest episode of mirror mirror, the studio is blessed by the goddess of hearts’ presence. oh, and she brought a enchanting friend too!

warning : mentions of low self-esteem, cyberbullying, and other things that may be triggering. viewer discretion is advised.

“hey, i’m enhypen and pandora’s calista. thank you for inviting me!” the female idol bows to the camera before taking her seat. 

her fictional counterpart walks into view and shyly waves at the camera.

“my name’s naeva, it’s nice to meet you all.” she speaks so softly, and with such a pretty smile on her face, you can hear the staff cooing.

we, the editors, decide to leave that sound in because #relate.

“we’re here to answer some questions that you, the audience, have sent in.” calista looks over at the lavender-haired girl and holds up her fist in a hwaiting motion. “shall we get started?” 

“mhm, let’s do it!”

THE GODDESS OF HEARTS : CALISTA !

👤 : what do you want to be remembered as in the future?

“i’d like to be remembered as someone who, despite having the odds stacked against her, pursued her dreams. life’s too short to play everything by the standards, do what you love without restraint.” 

calista looks proud of her own answer, until she hastily tacks on, “of course, within non-harmful boundaries!”

do what you love without restraint, but within non-harmful boundaries — roh aejeong, 2023

👤 : favorite concept you’ve done so far?

“since i haven’t properly debuted with pandora yet, i’ll pick my favorite from enha. honestly, i really enjoyed the concept we did for dimension-dilemma. compared to most of our eras, tamed-dashed had more of a carefree.. summery type of vibe, you know?” 

she pauses to look at naeva, who nods; the latter obviously invested in her words. 

“we didn’t have to worry much about acting seriously or pulling dangerous stunts because we were given the opportunity act like people our age.”

👤 : who had the most negative impact on your life?

“i wish i could answer but..” calista pretends to clear her throat before continuing, “well third place would be those who claim to be fans. it’s hard to just act like those criticisms and negativity don’t exist because they lurk everywhere, acting like they enjoy our music and watching our content when they actually find joy in tearing us, and others who come to our defense, down. 

so while i acknowledge that they’re here, waiting for me to slip up or even just breathe, i refuse to fall to their level. because at the end of the day, they’re just insecure people hiding behind screens to feel better about themselves.”

👤 : who’s your celebrity crush?

“at the moment?” 

the production crew gasp dramatically, eliciting both girls to laugh. it’s adorable, the way they try to cover their mouth but end up revealing their angelic smiles between peals of laughter.

“i just wanted to clarify- okay, i wouldn’t call it a crush, but i really admire zb1’s jiwoong. i’ve been following him from his acting debut to boys planet. he’s so cool and confident i just wanna ask him tips on how to do that too.. maybe i’ll ask gyunnie to put in a good word for me..”

to hourglass’s gyuri, please introduce calista to zb1′s jiwoong. love, the circus ♡  p.s. everyone here on this channel loves your group, never stop being queens! 

👤 : an idol you’d like to collaborate with?

“i’m stuck between seventeen and txt.. and no it’s not because i have friends in both groups.. okay maybe a little-”

calista pouts, causing the staff to fawn over her.

“seventeen are such exceptional performers that if i ever got to collab with them, i think i saved an empire in my previous life. at the same time though, txt are well-rounded idols with fantastic concepts to match so yeah-”

👤 : pandora or enha?

“or.”

calista’s smiling, yet it doesn’t quite reach the corners of her eyes. she fidgets with the ring sitting prettily on her index finger, the golden rose acting like her anchor. the memory’s still vivid—she scolded the guys after seeing the price tag they forgot to discard.

“i’ll never choose only one of them, not when they’re all amazing, talented, sweet people. and while i haven’t known my girls for as long as i’ve known my boys, the time that i’ve spent with them so far makes me certain that choosing to debut with them isn’t a regret.”

she sheds a shaky breath. one of the producers ask if she’d like to take a break. calista shakes her head. “thank you for your concern but i’m okay, don’t worry.”

nevertheless, a staff member walks onto the scene to give her some tissues and water. 

👤 : would you like to continue acting as a full-time career?

“if you asked me this three years ago, i’d have said yes. but when i get on that stage with my members, and i hear the cheers of our engenes and planetes, i feel like i’ve found my true calling. but i am still open to receiving acting gigs. who knows, maybe you’ll see me in the next season of all of us are dead..”

“wait, are you implying that you didn’t..” naeva hesitates for a second before making some motions—a sequence of gestures that hopefully won’t give away the story for those who haven’t watched the show yet.

the idol merely looks at the camera with a smirk.

👤 : what’s your favorite song to perform?

“in terms of enha, i love performing drunk-dazed. it’s got these hypnotic beats, along with a bold and energetic choreography to complement it. i can’t deny that at the end, i’m absolutely winded from all the jumping and spinning on the floor, but it really is fun to perform for engenes.”

“what about pandora?” naeva asks, then initially gets silence as an answer.

“it’s hard to pick because again, i haven’t debuted with them yet..” the idol drifts off again, head tilted while she looks up at the ceiling—seemingly expecting the answer to fall from up there. “i’d say, mainly because we’ve practiced this song several times, blue & night is my favorite.”

👤 : which country would you like to perform in?

“oh that’s easy, the u.k!” calista smiles fondly as she recalls, “while chobao and i were hanging out with chiara unnie, she told us a lot about the country, especially the cities she grew up in. thanks to that, i’d love to perform there and have a few days to explore the places.”

naeva raises her hand. “if it’s not too much to ask, who’s chobao?”

“it’s not, don’t worry—that’s lanfen! she might come off as mean and blunt but beneath that impression is a considerate and hilarious fluffy cat.”

“when you put it like that, she reminds me of jaan. maybe they could be friends..”

“maybe, but they could also butt heads due to their similarities.”

“at the same time though-”

this commercial break is brought to you by the guests who spent five minutes engaged in a debate about whether two tough softies can get along, and how long can they last. 

👤 : if you could go back to the past while knowing your future, would you change anything?

“as cliché as it sounds, i’m the type of person to believe that everything happens for a reason. decisions may not bear good things right away and that’s okay. while i have made some choices that make me go ‘i shouldn’t have done that’, i wouldn’t change any of them because i did get something precious out of those.. admittedly at times.. dumb decisions.”

the answer receives applause that resonates throughout the entire studio. calista’s bottom lip juts out as she jokes, “can i keep everyone here in my pocket? you all are so sweet to me and nana.”

“you’d need a very big pocket for that.” naeva giggles even more when the determined female looks past the cameramen and clasps her hands, “please nayoung unnie! pretty please!”

to be continued.. 

THE HEART’S REFLECTION : NAEVA !

👤 : who is your best friend?

“how do you define a ‘best friend’?” she wonders, looking over to calista for guidance. of course the older girl readily provides it, “it’s someone who, among your friends, you’re closest to.”

“then that’d be solon. he’s always there for me no matter what. when i need to talk to someone about something, he’s ready to listen. or if i’m confused about a certain subject, he’ll break it down so i can understand. he’s quite protective too—nowadays, i rarely ever go to the sea without him or jino accompanying me.”

“it sounds like he really cares about you.” calista approves before gesturing to the camera. “why don’t you leave a message for him, just in case he watches this.”

naeva shifts in her seat and beams warmly. “thank you nono, i really appreciate everything you do for me. i’ll always do the same for you so please don’t be afraid to approach me.”

👤 : what is your favorite subject at school?

“i have two, but one isn’t an official subject, is it okay to mention both of them?”

when one is so polite and soft-spoken, how can the crew say no? 

translation: of course it’s okay, anything and (almost) everything is okay when it’s for naeva the sweetheart.

“i really like creative writing. there’s something enjoyable in being able to unleash your imagination on a piece of paper, as well as stirring ideas around to see what can be made out of them. at the same time though, i enjoy after school because nightball practice occurs at that time, and it’s pretty much one of the few occasions i get to see my friends together so that time is really important to me.”

👤 : does it feel like you don't fit in sometimes?

similar to her human counterpart, the hybrid hesitantly nods and strains her rosy lips to show a smile. “yes there is. it’s not easy being a supernatural creature, let alone being the offspring of a common and rare species. maybe that’s why i don’t have much friends outside of the brothers and sooha—everyone else is scared that i may use my allure on them.”

naeva falls silent shortly after that, her head hung low as she stares at her lap. it only lasts for at least 30 seconds before she hastily fixes her posture and rubs her palms against her skirt.

“i don’t mind it that much, my little group is more than enough for me. they may have different personalities, and sometimes they hang my sanity over the edge of no return, but none of them have ever made me feel like i don’t deserve to be in decelis; like i don’t deserve to have them as my friends. they trust me, and that’s what makes me happy.”

👤 : are you and sooha friends?

“yes we are!” the excited lilt in her voice makes everyone’s hearts flutter; some even acting like they got struck by cupid’s arrow. she doesn’t notice as she’s busy rolling up her sleeve to reveal the beaded bracelet sitting snug on her wrist. “unless my memory’s foggy, we made each other matching bracelet during our first girls’ night. granted, we live in the same dorm building, but we hadn’t really been able to hang out one on one until then.”

out of the blue, a sheepish aura begins to surround the student. “don’t get us wrong, we love our other friends but..”

“..but it’s nice to have a girl friend to spend time with, discuss and do things you can’t do with guys?” calista guesses, though the twinkle in her syrup-tinted irises says she’s far too familiar with naeva’s struggle.

“exactly! she also doesn’t use me as an armrest or suddenly leap on me to get a piggyback ride so my head and back manage to get a well-deserved break.”

what an.. interesting taste in furniture and transportation..?

👤 : what is your biggest secret?

“if i tell you then it won’t be a secret anymore, right?” she jests, the apples of her cheeks lightly heating up when her joke is met with laughter and agreement. “i’ll tell you a wish of mine.

when i was younger, i met this boy, and he became my friend for a day. i don’t recall much about him—just that his eyes were so pretty, i felt like i was staring into the sun, and he had a tendency to give more than he should.”

her fingers instinctively rose to her necklace; specifically, the silver pendant that hung on the middle. with nostalgia injected in her smile, she summarizes, “if i ever meet him again, i’d like to thank him for showing me that even if the world turns its back on me, there will always be someone waiting for me with open arms.”

👤 : are you a day or night person?

“oh, i’ll have to think thoroughly about that one.”

how to think thoroughly and look cute while doing it, according to naeva:

first, play with your sleeve while you ponder about it. next, begin to mentally compare the pair of times. finally, snap your fingers as you come to a satisfying conclusion.

“i’ll say night because that’s when my mind’s will to be productive is at its peak. i mean, i do manage to complete tasks during the day, but it tends to feel like i’m fighting tiredness while doing so. meanwhile, when the moon is hanging above me, i have so much energy that i genuinely enjoy the things i do like watch the nightball practice, practice writing a novel, play around by the sea—those kinds of activities.”

at the end of her explanation, she notices the look of awe some of the crew are giving her. while she attempts to ignore the urge to curl into herself, she meekly asks, “did i say something wrong?”

“have you ever considered becoming a rapper?” someone pipes up.

..hiding her face behind her hands shall suffice for now.

👤 : have you ever wished that, even if it was temporary, you could be normal?

“yeah, definitely, but that’s in the past. i’ve stopped caring about people’s impossible ideals, and now i’m content with who i am.”

it’s not hard to tell—not when she speaks confidently and exudes it. of course, calista sounds like she supports the ‘younger’ girl.

“i like that you mentioned embracing yourself, regardless of whether you fit others’ definition of ‘normal’ or not. at the end of the day, the only opinion that matters is your own, so be kind to yourself. never be afraid to be your own monarch.”

be your own monarch — naeva & calista, 2023

👤 : do you have a crush?

naeva purses her lips and looks at everything but the cameras. the mannerism doesn’t fall short on calista’s radar, and her lips curl into a cheshire smile.

“who is it~?” she playfully prods efore leaning closer to the blushing girl. “you can whisper it to me if you’d like.”

lavender tresses momentarily create a halo around naeva before they fall against her back once more. she hastily explains, “it’s just a silly little infatuation, i’ll get over it sooner or later.”

“let’s check in later to see about that..”

all of a sudden, there’s a sly kitty and bashful puppy in the studio.

👤 : what are your abilities?

“i have quite a few, yet the most notable is imitation. what that means is i can copy others’ abilities and use them how ever i wish.” naeva recites it without much thought, it sounds like she’s explained it before.

her companion hums, thoughtfully nodding along. “you mentioned allure before, is it okay to explain what that entails?”

“oh yes, i have this special song that when heard, lowers a person’s guard enough for me to take control of their mind.” her voice falls a little towards the end as she adds, “but i swear i’ve never used it unless absolutely necessary, like in a battle.”

calista pats the lavender-haired girl’s armrest, a small gesture of assurance. despite that already being enough, she tells her, “we believe you.”

👤 : heli or jino?

the girls share a look of confusion before one falls into a stream of laughter. it doesn’t matter if she covers her mouth, everyone can tell calista’s gigging at the question. on the other hand, a mortified naeva slouches in her seat and stares up at the sky.

fly high naeva’s spirit!

once she’s calmed down, calista can’t help but note, “that’s such a random question, what on earth..” 

“it’s not when you know someone who’d definitely ask this.” naeva mumbles, the face of a certain troublemaker immediately popping in her mind. but before she can begin plotting what to do with the culprit, she recalls the question. 

she thinks about saying the name of the boy with the pretty golden eyes; the boy who’d stay up with her, talking about everything and nothing while her lithe fingers played with his ebony tresses..

“jino. in terms of people i’m close to, he’s right on solon’s heels. even though he can’t be near water, he always comes with me to the sea to make sure i’m safe. whenever i don’t feel good about myself, he’s popping out of thin air to dispel the negativity.” 

she wanted to say more, but the words don’t get past the tip of her tongue. instead, she beams with a crescent eyed smile.

“to my candlelight, let’s stay together forever, okay?”

“we have made it, thanks for sticking around ‘til the end!” calista bows in gratitude, her companion shortly following suit.

“if you enjoyed this episode, please tap the like button..” naeva send a glance to calista to check if she’s doing the outro right and gets a thumbs up in return. “then subscribe to this channel if you’d like to see more, thank you.”

“this was enhypen and pandora’s calista..” 

“accompanied by naeva..”

“..and we flipped your heart.”

taglist : @stealanity​ @lost-leopard-beanie​ @annoyingbitch83​ @starmaniic​ — send an ask / dm to be added !

#⌯ ̤̮ ... variety ˖ gone in the mourning #enhypen scenarios #enha scenarios #enhypen smau #enha smau #enhypen addition #enha addition #enhypen 8th member #enha 8th member #kpop addition #kpop idol oc #fictional idol community #fictional idol oc

[neocrush]

— enhypen reaction to hearing you sing for the first time !

genre: fluff + established relationship for heeseung and sunoo

pairings: idol!enhypen x gn!reader

note: requested by anon ♡

★ heeseung

you got into an argument, a dumb one actually

but you both being the stubborn people you are, you decided to give each other the silent treatment

you couldn’t handle it much longer

you just wanted to say sorry and cuddle with him

but then again - you didn’t wanna deflate your ego

so directly speaking to him was a no-no

so you sat there in his bed, grabbing his guitar and started strumming it

until you started playing and singing get you by daniel caesar

heeseung must’ve heard you as he slowly walked towards his room, pressing his ear on the door

he didn’t know you could play the guitar and sing

pls he had massive heart eyes

was convinced he fell in love with you all over again

he completely forgot the argument ever happened and just barged in

“you’re the love of my life.”

you stopped playing and singing and just went *instert shocked pikachu face*

“can you sing for me? please?” and you just shake your head no

pouts and gives you puppy eyes

you give in and kiss his cheek “fine, but only if you do it with me”

he nods and cuddles you as you both sing each other to sleep

★ jay

you were a new trainee at belift and he was at the studio, preparing a new song with jake and a producer

the producer had called you in to record a demo for one of the hybe groups

he wasn’t that fazed when you entered the room - the both of you having a mask and bucket hat on

as you entered the recording booth, you removed your mask and hat

you listen to the instrumental and re-read the lyrics once again as you asked the producer if you could record the song without instrumental first

the producer agreed and started recording

you got straight into the chorus, surprising jay

that specific part was in a very high key and he was shocked at how effortlessly you sang it at the first try

the recording went pretty well

but the way jay kept on looking back and forth between the lyrics he was writing and you in the booth didn’t go unnoticed by jake

you were done and had to return to practice as you bowed to the boys and producer - leaving the room

jake nudges jay, signalling him to go follow you and at least say something

jay took the hint and left the studio

“y/n!” he called out and you turned around

“your voice is beautiful. would you want to record with me- i mean enhypen some time?”

★ jake

you were part of a girl band

you played the bass and was also the lead singer

your company - a fairly small one - was just recently bought by bang pd so you were under hybe labels

your group used to perform for different high school festivals and you just happened to have performed at sunoo’s

after hearing the news that you were under hybe too, sunoo begged his members to come with him see your band at the company

“sunoo they’re there to practice, not to do free concerts” - jungwon

jake chuckled and he was the only one who agreed to come with sunoo

“hyung did you know their lead singer is the same age as you” sunoo said wiggling his brows as they both made their way to your practice room

jake just shook his head at his younger member

hearing a familiar melody, sunoo dragged the older member to what he was sure was your practice room

“sunoo you can’t just barge i-“

was he seeing an angel?????

“sunoo i thought they did rock”

“yeah but they have bsides in other genres too yknow”

you were singing your solo song twilight

jake nodded and watched you in awe, admiring how into the song you were

your members weren’t there and it may seem lonely but your voice echoing throughout the room made the atmosphere feel heavenly

once the song was over, sunoo cheered and clapped his hands as you grew shy, finally acknowledging their presence

the two boys introduced themselves to you and you did the same to them

you chuckled as you saw jake fumble on his words

“i know who you guys are, i watched your very good cover. you should try doing rock sometime, it seriously fits you guys!” you complimented them

as they grew shy, you couldn’t help but notice jake’s unique smile and how he plays with his hands when he’s nervous

“do you wanna grab lunch with us?”

“is the jake sim asking me out?”

“is the y/n l/n rejecting me?”

you both laughed as sunoo playfully rolled his eyes and you went to go get lunch with the two

★ sunghoon

you were at karaoke with the guys

all of them were having the time of their lives, doing song after song without taking breaks

jay and riki were singing new face and you were busting your lungs out watching them get tired of the never-ending song

remember when yoongi went “when does this song end” when bts was singing new face during that one run episode? yeah that’s them

when the song finally finished, jungwon noticed how you have been laughing and just sitting there the whole time

so he took the mic and pointed at you

that little shit

sunoo had already queued asap by stayc for him to sing, but jungwon insisted that you sing it since you should at least sing one song

“but that’s my song!” - sunoo

“sunoo you can do the choreo while y/n sings” - jungwon

sunoo nods, also wanting to hear you sing

(ps he wanted to do the choreo lol)

you refused and kept shaking your head until your crush, sunghoon, placed his hand on your shoulder, making your heart do backflips

“cmonnnn y/n, please?” he pouted at you

finally giving in, you stand up and grab the mic from jungwon

starting the song, your body was stiff

but once you reached the chorus, you and sunoo were doing the choreo while you sang with a big smile on your face

not you being a whole kpop idol whoop

sunghoon couldn’t help but look at you and smile to himself and blush - you looked so cute and your voice was so addicting

you even lipsynced the “i think you’re really cool” part (the one before the chorus) while winking at him

the song really brought out your inner confidence as you made sunghoon a flustered mess

once you were all finished and went home, riki showed you a video he took of sunghoon when you were singing

“dude i swear he’s super into you! look at him smiling ear-to-ear!!! he looks like he just saw an angel”

“oh shut up riki”

you mentally thanked jungwon for setting you up like that

★ sunoo

“can you sing me to sleep please?” you asked sunoo asked with puppy eyes

he poked your cheeks, nodding

“you’re so cute. of course i’ll sing you to sleep baby”

getting in bed with him, he started playing with your hair and caressing your shoulder

he softly sang love is not over by bts

what took him by surprise was that you suddenly joined in, harmonizing with him

he knew you liked music but wasn’t aware that you had such an amazing voice

he held your hand as you both finished singing the song, giggling

“baby you have the sweetest voice ever, you should sing more often” he playfully pouted

you softly laughed as you moved his bangs out frame, kissing his forehead

“i’ll only sing for you darling, i don’t want others to fall for me”

he playfully hit you as you laughed at your own joke

facing you, he looked into your eyes

“i love you so much.”

you blushed at his words

“i love you even more sunoo.”

★ jungwon

your group and enhypen were appearing on weekly idol together

your members kept on teasing you because you had previously revealed that jungwon was your ideal type on knowing bros

what you said garnered a lot of attention from knetz and engenes, some negative but most of them positive

“they would make an adorable couple”

“i wanna see them sing together”

“their visuals together would shake the whole country”

you were glad engenes didn’t hate your guys for being open about your admiration towards the boy

you being nervous was an understatement - this was your first time seeing jungwon in real life

and you expected the hosts to bring up what you said about him so you were prepared to face him directly

pls this sounds like ur about to have a boxing match w him

anyways filming started out okay until the hosts (ofc) brought up what you said

a few laughs here and there but suddenly they had an idea

“so you’re the main vocal, correct?”

you nodded at one of the hosts

“that’s perfect because it’s time for our karaoke session!”

you ended up getting paired up with jungwon to sing just one day by bts

you made eye contact the whole time and it didn’t take a genius to see the instant chemistry

your voices went so well with each other that even you and his members were shocked at how heavenly you both sounded together

you were both smiling and you could just melt right then and there

once you were done, you covered your face with your hands as you were a blushing mess

your members and enhypen clapped and one of the hosts went “you guys should sing an ost together”

you both got super shy and the rest of filming went well

a month passed and the episode aired

engenes and your fans went insane on sns and knetz were demanding a collab

it wasn’t anything serious until your ceo brought you in in a meeting with hybe executives and he popped up the question

“how would you like to feature in enhypen’s newest album?”

★ riki

your classmates were cleaning the classroom as it was the last week of the whole school year

you were sweeping the floor, humming the song that was silently playing in the background as the room was filled with chatter

riki was removing the decorations on the walls, listening to your soft hums

the songs that were being played were fairly calm

until a more energetic song suddenly played

your classmates suddenly became all energetic when i can’t stop me by twice started playing

you smiled, singing along

you were just playing around but you didn’t realize that you just hit nayeon’s high notes

“woah! y/n??? you’re really good”

you saw that riki was listening the whole time (and so was the rest of the class lol) and you got shy

you shook your head and stopped singing

“no keep going!” - a classmate

you gave in and went on with the song and riki gave you a “you’re so awesome” look

once the song was over, your classmates started playing even more hype song

a guy went “lets do karaoke!”

a girl chimed in “y/n has to go first!”

riki softly laughed and nudged you to go sing

you used the broom in your hand as a fake mic and mic stand as you sang blue hour by txt

he filmed you, zooming in on your smiling face

he was sure going to cherish that video forever

#i listened to summer walker’s live album to get inspo Lol #enhypen x reader #enhypen x y/n #enhypen x you #enhypen x gender neutral reader #enhypen imagines #enhypen scenarios #enhypen reactions #heeseung imagines #heeseung scenarios #heeseung x reader #jay scenarios #jay imagines #jay x reader #jake scenarios #jake imagines #jake x reader #sunghoon imagines #sunghoon scenarios #sunghoon x reader #jungwon x reader #jungwon imagines #jungwon scenarios #sunoo x reader #sunoo imagines #sunoo scenarios #niki x reader #niki scenarios #niki imagines #enhypen fluff

[twonderland]

Hello!! Could I request some headcanons of the dorm leaders with a female crush who's like a Disney princess (really good singing voice, extremely compassionate to all, animals loves her, etc) please and thank you!!

Aww ! A cutie pie girl in NRC 💖💖✨

DORM LEADERS REQUEST

🦁 At the beginning he was a little bit stressed with you for different reasons, 1) he couldn’t relate nor understand your uninterested kindness, normally in Savanclaw the guys were such an assholes, that was the normal environment .... but then you came all cute and gentle , he doesn’t know how to manage you

🦁 The time passes and he gets your persona, you are the cutest little thing he has ever known. Of course (because of his initial insights of you) he doesn’t want to and refuse to accept that he may ... have a crush on you but well, love is love and this big cat is not escaping it

🦁 Anyone that knows him for some time like Ruggie would notice how his way of talking and even moving around you changes, he flirts shamelessly since he LOVES your cute face get all red like a tomato. Overall, he has a lot of fun teasing you and also listening to your beautiful voice he pretends to be asleep but nah he’s not 💖💖💖 also , pet him, pet this boy for god’s sake, he adores your smooth hands on his ears 🙌🏻✨ (maybe this is part of this “princess charm” that you have that keeps his tail moving and making him purr like a kitten on your lap)

♥️ Takes your kindness pretty well ... on the surface. He has been taught how to talk to a lady but actually never put that knowledge on practice, you may catch his hands on his back whenever you talk to him he’s trying to stay calm playing with his fingers

♥️ One time you fell asleep on one of the gardens, resting your face on the surface of a table with some tea cups in front of you. You were exhausted after helping Cater with some stuff, and decided to take a break ... you fell asleep. - what is she doing ? Its not allowed to sleep in common areas- he thought but before he could awake you one butterfly rested on your head, making the sight something beautiful and magical

♥️ “...J-just this time” he couldn’t afford to ruin this moment, some time later he approached Trey to ask him “do you know anyone who’s magic allows them to take photos ? Like cater ?” Trey is like dude just use a phone 😂 leave him alone, he’s like a grandpa sometimes and only wants to admire your cute face whenever he wants

♥️ The first time that he asked you for a date it was a sight to behold (he said that it was a practice for the next unbirthday´s party but you know what’s happening) you are so gentle and comprehensive that he gets to a point where he relaxes and enjoys your conversation a lot, you relax him and blushes at the thought of holding your hand... maybe a red rose could be a good start for you to acknowledge his feelings for you...

🐙 It captures his interest the fact that in your first visit to the Atlantica a lot of fish and other sea creatures appeared to liked you, following you everywhere you went and also making some cute tricks to make you giggle. -maybe she had some kind of special magic that allows her to captivate animal’s attention- he thought, but then again you are a human... no magic, so what could it be ?

🐙 In octavinelle all the students have this clever yet malicious personality that allows them to trick other people, getting what they want making their “clients” fall in traps, so when Azul sees your sweet personality he tries to read your way of “tricking people” only to discover that that was the real you with not second intentions

🐙You are the only person that he truly opens up besides the eel brothers, he sincerely wants to become a stronger person and thinks that with your help and positive aura he can achieve that, also expect him to show you his most clingy and cry baby side 😂💖

🐙ADORES YOUR VOICE pls sing more for this octoboy 😂 he also likes to make covers with you and make duets, one day you made such a beautiful duet that even Vil praised you. The way that he develops feelings for you is through time, he knowing that you are indeed a beautiful person inside and out and he relying on you, but also teaching you lots of things ! Azul is a really clever person after all

👑Intrigued to say the least, if you are a pomefiore student then Vil would find out your abilities like singing, baking (maybe ? 😂) and having an aesthetic sense really quick, but if not, he would see this features once he starts to ask for your help in different tasks

👑 Your beauty is a fact, no doubts there. Not only in the exterior, but also you have this “I don’t know what” thing that makes the pomefiore students go behind you not just to appreciate your beauty but because your personality is so refreshing !

👑 Not gonna lie, he may feel a liiiitle bit of jealousy for some time, but after seeing that you don’t have any interest in taking “his throne” Vil calms down and becomes something like a mentor. He wants to exalt your beauty at the maximum level, you accept everything he does to your face and clothes since you only wish to make him happy but in the process ... he falls in love 💖

👑 Imagine him talking about your interests, points of view, memories etc etc. while he does your make up, your hair and outfit. He gets to know you and also to admire the beauty of a beautiful soul

☀️ PARTNERS IN CRIME you two are inseparable, the positive energy that you emanate is like the sun, it almost made blind a lot of scarabia students including Jamil

☀️ Laughs, smiles, singing, dancing. Do you remember that Kalim also LOVES animals ? He likes to take you to see his tigers, exotic birds and taking rides on the camels and the magic carpet. Jamil has scolded Kalim too many times since he comes back to scarabia too late after taking night rides with you “hehe, I’m sorry Jamil, is only that the time flows like air whenever I´m with (y/n)!!! “ while Jamil perks one eyebrow, realizing his master’s feeling even before himself.

☀️ You are the typical couple that everyone thinks that is in a romantic relationship but in your minds you are friends, this little questions like “I thought you were dating” or “you two look cute together” made him starting to think about you in a different way. Kalim the sunshine he is, doesn’t want to bother you so he keeps it to himself.... for some minutes 😂. The doubt is there and he NEEDS to tell you, he’s scared, nervous, doubtful BUT he needs to know how you feel as well.

☀️ Tríes to take your relationship to another level, now, every time he takes you to the aviary he has flowers for you, he invites you to dinner but the atmosphere is more ... romantic. Those kind of hints also make you start to see him on a different light and with time ... the love surges 💖💖

💀 His crush is almost instantaneous 😂 the first time you saw him it was because Crewel asked you to bring some papers to Ignihyde so the dorm leader could give them a look. After some time you manage to get to Idia’s room, where you knock the door not 2 or 3 but 5 times before coming in, you couldn’t return to your dorm with those papers on hand

💀 The light was off and shyly you said “i-is someone here ? Idia-San ? ... I’m turning the lights on...” the next thing you saw was an otaku’s scared face at the other side of the bedroom enrolled with blankets and a plushie

💀 he thinks you are ethereal and just... perfect. You are kind, gentle, doesn’t judge him, actually appreciates and likes to talk to him and beautiful. At first is intimidated by you for being a girl. Pls take your time with this guy, he will open up once he detects no danger around you You being the kind person, and Idia the being unable to survive without someone telling him that he actually has to eat three times a day and getting at least 6 hours of sleep, you take good care of him (ORTHO ADORES YOU). Idia’s not a baby and actually takes care of himself after seeing your concern. He´s so grateful for you being at his side in good and bad times.

💀 Invites you to play video games with him, watch anime, talk about everything and anything. When Idia gets comfortable his voice is way more smooth and fluent, he’s that kind of people who you can totally rely on and will ALWAYS be there for you. He blushes easily around you, fantasies with the day when he can tell you about his feelings and with ZEUS BLESSING get your “yes”

🐉 Dragon boy didn’t know what was like having a crush, so it took some time for him to actually understand what was this weird feelings he had towards you, just let me remark that Malleus haven’t had any friends in his life, let alone a partner, so your relashionship develops slowly but is one of the sweetest ones in the entire world 😊💖

🐉 The first thing you are gonna have is an unconditional friendship, you show him lots of things and he shows you his incredible magic, the way his world works, etc. he had a crush on you already but he’s just so lost 😂

🐉 “Lilia, I ... have had some weird thoughts about (y/n)” to what Lilia answered “Mm? Such as ..?” He doubted for a second, but Lilia being in fact his “dad” and the only and mostly decent source of help Malleus had, he continued

“....kissing her”

Silence

“Wait wha-“ “also embracing her, dancing with her, singing for her, having night walks with her, also taking care of Gaogao Draco-kun with her, sleeping with her, also-“ 

“ I think I understand Malleus 😅”

🐉 AGAIN lets take in mind that he’s from a different species which means different courtship rituals, so once he understands the “human way” to court you expect him to clumsily, awkwardly but in a intensely adorable way to recite some poems for you, I like to think that Malleus (having the age he has and living for so long) has a talent for writing poems, stories, etc. His face is stern but you can tell how nervous he is for his trembling voice, also acting way more like a “gentleman” for you, which is nearly impossible since he has always been a sweetheart to you ☺️💖

Thanks for your request

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

#twisted wonderland #twst #twst requests #requests #twst headcanon #twst headcanons #twst leona #leona kingscholar #twst riddle #riddle roseheart #twst kalim #kalim al asim #twst vil #twst vil schoenheit #vil schoenheit #twst malleus #malleus draconia #twst idia #idia shroud #twst azul #azul ashegrontto #twst dorm #dorm leaders #twst dorm leaders headcanon

[heyheydidjaknow]

I would’ve posted this earlier but, alas, I passed out early. This is a longer one, but tumblr got its act together so I can post it all in one part. You guys know where the other chapters are, and if you don’t, they’re at the end of the chapter. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat straight Nutella.

Chapter 10

“I’m thinking about getting some gloves.”

He looks over at you as he laces up his skates. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you nod, smiling slightly to yourself as you look your hands over, trying to imagine what they would look like. “Like, badass, fingerless gloves.”

He smiles. “Dude, those would look metal as fuck.”

“Totally, right?” Your smile widens. “With studs and shit.”

He gets to his feet, hopping onto the ice. “Hell yeah.” He drops a puck to assault as you go back to your backed-up coursework the best you can—your handwriting has gone to hell, but you are working with what you have.

You flinch at the crack of his stick, the cross of the T ending up underneath the letter somehow. A cheer from Casey tells you the rubber cylinder’s fate.

‘I swear I learned this.' You squint at the basic algebra, the pencil, crudely held in your fist, hovering over the packet. ‘Why can’t I do this?’

“How’s your pile coming along?” Another crack.

“It’s comin’.” You run your fingers through your hair. “Just… trynna remember how to do ne—… subtraction.” ‘Not debate. Negating is debate.’

He laughs. Another crack. “Man, that thing really fucked you over, huh?”

“Thoroughly.” You decide against continuing to torture yourself, having been at it for the past five hours—most of it in the library before Casey invited you to watch him practice some more— and set the large stack of homework back in your bag. “Are you actually making the shots?”

“Casey Jones doesn’t miss shots.” Another crack.

“Pardon me, oh almighty king of the ice.” You stand on your good leg, grabbing the side of the wall to watch as he went back to collect his pucks.

You two have managed to bond over a mutual respect/love of heavy metal and hockey and, seeing as you are staying out of the Hamatos’ hair for a while—not upon request, but out of courtesy—you have managed to spend a lot more time with him than you may have otherwise. Your school has not assigned Biology any big projects yet, so, until you are assigned it, you do not have anything other than your health to stress about.

“Pardon accepted.” You watch his form as he performs another slap shot.

“You…” you trail off, trying to remember what you were going to say.

“What?”

You shrug. “Dunno.” You lean your head on your arms. “I’ll remember eventually.”

He drops the second puck. “Got any plans after this?”

You sigh. “Nope. Probably gonna head home and try not to cut my fingers making dinner again.”

He takes another shot. “Then let’s go out after this. You and me.”

You smile. “What, don’t have any plans either?”

“Nah.” He drops the third. “Dad doesn’t care if I’m home late anyway.”

“True, true.” You have decided against prying into his home life; it is not your place and does not concern you in the slightest. “Where do you wanna go?”

“Wanna catch a movie? Heard there was this new pizza place just a couple blocks down if you wanna try to sneak it in.”

You snicker. “In the box and all?”

“Yes.” He grins mischievously and hits this one off the walls. Some way, somehow, it still makes it into the goal. “I bet your sweatshirt is big enough to stick the box under.”

You stick your tongue out at him. “Not in the mood for burns on top of scars, Jones,” you reprimand him teasingly. “That just ain't it.”

“Then you can wear mine under that one and—”

“Your sweat-soaked hoodie you’ve been practicing in all day?” You cringe at the thought. “Over my dead body.”

“I mean…” he licks his teeth, smile widening, “it’s not exactly like you’re in the best—”

You laugh. “So not cool!”

He puts his hands up in defense, gliding over. “I mean, am I wrong, though?”

“That is completely besides the point, you ass.” You balance on your foot, crossing your arms. “Damn. Making fun of the girl with the broken leg.”

He leans against the wall. “Man, you were dying before the crash.”

You roll your eyes. “Alright, whatever, Jones.” You lean against your hand. “How’s Johanna,” you sing.

He presses his hand against your face, pushing you away. “Annie is doing fine.”

You grin, steadying yourself on the wall. “Do you feel her, Johanna?”

“I’m gonna tell her you call her that if you don’t quit it.”

“Do you think that walls can hide her? Even when you’re at her window?”

He pushed his arm all the way out. You hop back.

“Her name isn’t even Johanna.”

“But she is Johanna,” you whine in protest, not bothering to hide your mirth. “She has the hair, the voice, the disposition. She’s an ingénue and you know it.” You have been teasing him about this for a while now: the girl in question—Annabelle Halshaw, a year below you two—had caught his eye when he had heard through the grapevine that she was the lead singer in some indie band. When he had shown you a picture and told you the story, you insisted on calling her Johanna for her golden hair and soft, sweet singing voice he had proudly had you listen to.

“She’s not.”

You roll your eyes, sitting back down as you grab your bag. “Lie to yourself all you want,” you goad, “but deep down, you know in your heart that the truth,” you put a finger up, “is apparent.”

He hops off the ice, sitting next to you as he unlaces his skates. “Whatever.” He smirks. “How’s The Don?”

You avert your gaze. “I haven’t seen ‘im.”

“Boo.” He tied the laces together. “Some girlfriend you are,” he ribs.

You go red. “Not my boyfriend. Not even friends with benefits.”

“Yeah, sure.” He sets the skates into his bag. “That’s why you already know his family.”

“That—”

“And why you’ve had him over to your place.”

“If you don’t cool your tits, I’m telling Lucy you’re crushing on her friend.”

“Don’t you dare!”

“What,” you simper, “think I won’t?”

He grabs his bag. “If you do, I’ll show her that video.”

You laugh, following him out of the rink. “You’re the worst.” You note how strange it is that he spent so little time on the ice as you two walk out, but you do not say anything about it.

“Hey, you’re the one throwing threats around.”

“Yeah,” you argue, “but my threat is clearly better.”

He rolls his eyes, pushing you again.

You two keep chatting on the way to the theatre about anything and everything, from new bands to upcoming games to the newest blockbuster horror movies. You are not personally on the hockey team, but, as his friend, it is your duty to care. Besides, you figure, it gives you something to look forward to.

The movie is fine. You convince him against sneaking an entire pizza in, you split a bucket of popcorn, and you give him shit for getting freaked out by the disembowelment scene. It is payback for him teasing you about crying during the last movie you two went to a couple of days ago.

You two stand at the streetlight.

“Dude, it’s like eight,” he groans. “It’s not even late.”

“True,” you agree. “Counterpoint: I still have another week’s worth of work to do by Friday on top of the homework I’ll have to do anyway, so unless you wanna help—”

“Forget I asked.” He pulls his hood up against the autumn wind. “Need me to walk you back?”

“Nah.” You shrug. “If someone mugs me, they’ll give me an excuse to not do my homework.”

“Murdered?

“I’m already halfway there.”

He grins. “See ya tomorrow, Y/N.”

“See ya, Jones.” You wave as he runs off.

The walk home is quiet and considerably easier than it was a couple of weeks ago. Seeing as you now get queasy whenever you get into a car, you have been limited to taking the subway and walking, which, among other things, has contributed positively to your physical strength. You know that you should probably at least try to take the bus or a cab around town to build your tolerance up, but the last time you tried, you had almost tripped and fallen from how shaky your legs were getting out. Oddly enough, you note as you go through the door, you do not have a considerably larger fear of heights than you did before, or of fire, but cars were tripping you up, even though you were the one that crashed it. You feel thankful that, at least, you do not think your fear is crippling. At least, you reason, you can still get into the car.

You lock the door behind you, debating whether you feel like adding to the collection of cuts you now possess— they are self-inflicted, but not intentionally so; you stubbornly refuse to acknowledge the fact that you physically cannot use your hands to cut things. You decide against it tonight, tossing your bag on the bed as you sprawl across it, admittedly exhausted. You allow yourself a couple of seconds with your eyes closed before you pull yourself up with a groan and get back to work.

A part of you wishes that you had the physical energy to stay out longer. You are always trying to find excuses not to sleep, and although the mountain of homework and readjusting your timelines for things you missed is certainly one way to keep yourself preoccupied, it is not exactly what you would consider fun. Then again, reliving your greatest traumas while you sleep is not exactly fun either.

You catch yourself peeling at the newly applied bandages on your fingers, fingernails catching under the crudely applied adhesives. Applying bandages properly requires more dexterity and patience than you currently possess, and you are hardly going to ask someone else for help with something as stupid as that. You have lasted this long without needing too much help. People can live by themselves. You will live, probably. Well? Not your concern.

‘I should eat something.’ Your eyes strain to focus on the piece of paper in front of you, your mind wandering aimlessly as you try to impress the actual importance of finishing this upon yourself, but you find that is an insurmountable feat.

You drop your bag off the side of the bed, reaching down and pulling your shoe off, leaning back into your pillows, the weight of the day practically immobilizing you. Fumbling hands switch the lamp off, bathing your room in momentary, blissful darkness before the gravity of your decision sets in.

“Alright, me,” you breathe to yourself. “What’s it gonna be today? My folks? Bradford? What’s his face? Hell,” you chuckle, “why not all three? I’m sadistic enough, I’m sure.”

You close your eyes. “Give me your worse,” you challenge as you slip into unconsciousness.

--

Two weeks.

He had kept his distance for about two weeks. It was not as if he did not care or was not morbidly curious what the crash had done to you—his glances through the curtains did not tell him much-- but, after some debate, he had figured you needed time to recuperate before you would want his company. Two weeks, he figured, would be enough time for you to get back on your feet or, at least, for you to start wanting company.

His excuse to see you had come in the form of his brother’s newfound prideful boasting. Feigning insult was as good an excuse as any to go see you; after all, he just so happened to be in the neighborhood anyway, and it was normal to pop in to see someone if you were already just a couple blocks down, right? Sneaking away was easy enough—they would not mind his absence—and he, after much prep work, knew exactly how and why he was going to say the things he would to get in your good favor. The plan, he knows, would have gone swimmingly.

His plans seem asinine when he hears you crying.

His brothers do not cry much. He does not, either; it was a habit that they had all thoroughly bullied themselves out of when they were much younger and, if they still did, he knew nothing of it. His master did not encourage this, per se, but talked, then, frequently about the importance of maintaining a more stoic disposition and not allowing emotions to cripple you in battle. Practically, Donatello was satisfied with that explanation, having not properly cried for more than a year now. To hear the sound again, especially coming from you, was novel.

Novel, too, is how you are crying. The sound is less of actual sobbing and more of you being strangled, quiet gasps for air escaping your lips as you shake on the bed, curled in on yourself and clutching at your chest as if whatever pain you are experiencing is centered and can be relieved by something between your collarbones. His eyes, for the first time, trace the lines on your skin, your sleeves riding up your arms to reveal them to him, tears racing down and along the gash in your face. Everything about the scene, from the soft gasping of panic to your position to the heavy scarring, is completely foreign to him, rivaled only by one or two particularly hard nights when he and his brother were much younger.

He slides in through the window, leaning onto the bed. His fingers flick your lamp back on as he grabs your shivering shoulder tightly, shaking you awake as he mumbles words of encouragement. He is not sure if his help will be appreciated, if snapping you out of it was even what he is supposed to do in this situation, but now is not the time to think of that. You are in pain. He can offer you this kindness. “Wake up,” he pleads, not thinking of how this would look until your eyes snap open to look at him.

Immediately, the reality of the situation sets in, and he scrambles off the bed. ‘Why did I think that would be a good idea?’ Panic. ‘You just walked into her room like a fucking creep. See, now she’s going to—’

“Sorry.”

He blinks, looking up at you from his place on the floor. “Huh?”

You clear your throat, wiping the tears from your eye with your sleeve quickly as you bring your knees to your chest, voice hoarse. “Sorry,” you repeat. “That you… I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for, but I know I should be apologizing.”

He is completely dumbfounded.

Your eyes glance to the open window. “I should probably start closing and locking my window, right?” You rub the back of your neck, voice clearing the longer you talk. “It didn’t occur to me since I’m so high up, but if you guys can get in, The Foot can too, right?”

‘Why is she apologizing?’

You push the hair out of your face. ‘You need something, right? I—uh—need to stop saying ‘right’ so much.” You shake your head to clear it. “’ Sup?”

He hears himself mumble some bullshit out about being in the neighborhood.

You sigh. “Sorry.” You close your eyes. “I’m usually up later; I’ve been so tired lately.”

‘Is she serious right now?’ He is completely lost. ‘She was just crying her eyes out in her sleep and now she’s apologizing? Did I miss something?’ You are smiling now, eyes still bloodshot, as if the whole thing is a figment of his imagination, still shivering where you sit.

He rises to his feet, kneeling in front of you on the bed. “What was it about?”

You blink, seemingly confused. “Huh?”

“Your nightmare,” he clarifies. “You were crying. What was it about?”

You avert eye contact. “Nothing too crazy,” you shrug. “Just about the crash. Nothing too exciting.” If possible, he thinks the bags under your eyes are worse than the last time you saw him.

He takes your hands loosely, turning them palms up to look, for the first time, at the patchwork quilt that is now your skin. “What happened in it?” He runs his thumb along the lines, keeping his voice low; he remembers how that used to help when Mikey used to have fits when they were younger. Leonardo and Raphael were never good at that; they took better to being more violently snapped out of their moods, but, then again, they never had this kind of breakdown; theirs were always more driven by loathing, self or otherwise.

You pause, still not looking him in the face as your muscles relax. He remembers, vividly, how he had done something similar when you two had first met, how much better, health-wise, you looked. ‘How long has it been since then? Three months? A little less?’

You take a deep breath. “Just… family shit,” you mumble, eyelids drooping as you trace his frame loosely. “Fire.”

Your gaze is piercing as you finally look at him properly. He feels something catch in his throat as you bow your head.

“It’s my fault, you know.” Your voice is so soft, barely a whisper. “That they’re dead, I mean.”

The air is a suffocating blanket that smothers you both.

“I never told you, did I?” Your focus does not shift as it might have a bit ago. It is locked solely and intensely on him, taking in every detail of his expression. “How I died? How they died? Why I died?”

Hesitantly, he shakes his head. He thinks it best to just be quiet and let you talk. He does not think he has ever heard anyone speak in quite the same tones, ever looked at him quite the same way you are.

You take another breath. “I wanted to try my hand at baking.” You force your eyes to stay focused on his. “I was—still am—not good about sleep. I always slept bad, and never at the right times. I used to take pills for it, to try to get myself back on track.”

He sees where this is going.

“I thought I could still stay up as late as I was used to.” You glance to the side, stealing yourself a second before focusing back on the boy in front of you. “I sat down in my room, turned on a movie. I set a timer. I fell asleep.” You swallow, hands shaking in his. “I can’t smell well, either. I must not have smelled the burning.” Your lips curl in a bitter smile. “Sure as fuck felt it, though, when I woke up.”

He lets you finish.

You try to blink the tears out of your eyes. “They were asleep,” Your voice rises ever so slightly. “I fell asleep at two something. I woke up when they started yelling.” You purse your lips, face reddening in shame as your nostrils flair. “They were trying to get someone out of bed when the roof caved in above them. My door got blocked.”

You feel yourself smile.

“So,” you strain not to cry, “that, Donatello, is why I’m here and why I’m dead, and why I really do deserve to burn again.” You laugh. “Hell, my body count is rivaling some serial killers, so that’s… that’s certainly something.”

He lets go of your hands, face blank.

You lean forward, placing your hands on your knees. “I don’t blame you,” You wipe a wayward tear out of your eyes, trying to swallow the frog in your throat. “Fuck, man, I’d think less of me, too, if it were me.” You nod towards the window. “I get it if you want to leave, but I thought you might want to know why—”

He stops you mid-sentence, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you to him.

Your arms lay slack at your sides as you try to process what is happening.

He does not say a word.

You break.

You burry your face into him, tears welling in your eyes as you let out a strangled sob. You hold onto him tightly as you struggle to breathe, body shaking as you wrap your own arms around him the best you can. The sound roars in your ears like thunder, the deafening quiet of the apartment punctuated only by your own cries. He gently holds you there, resting his head on top of yours. Each sound you make sounds as though you are physically being choked by your guilt, and his chest feels as though it is being crushed by an invisible hand as he listens to your pain.

Neither of you knows how long you stay like that.

He considers telling you a story from a long time ago, about some training he and his brothers had back then, but thought better of it; he does not want to upset you any more than you already are, and being in good company with someone like him may not be exactly what you need right now. Granted, he does not know what you do need, but he knows listening to him talk about bashing brains would not help your sensibilities any.

Instead, he stays quiet.

You pull away after a while, wiping your face off again as you mumble out an apology.

“Don’t apologize.” He clears his throat. “It’s good to cry; it releases endorphins.”

You smile at that. “Well,” you giggle tearfully, “if it releases endorphins.”

He smiles back, face flushing. You look good, he thinks, even with your face all red. He knows that, scientifically, there is probably a reason, but he cannot think of it right now.

He stands up. “I’ll get—”

You grab his hand tightly.

He looks back at you.

“Can I ask a favor?”

He blinks. “Of course,” he agrees easily. “Anything.”

You glance off. “Promise not to take it weird?”

He feels his heart rate increase. “Y-yeah,” he nods.

He feels you pull him gently back on the bed. “Can you stay here tonight?”

His eyes widen as they flicker between the mattress and you. “What,” he clarifies breathlessly, “like sleep with you?”

You nod.

“In the same bed?”

You hesitate, nod again.

He clears his throat, face heating again. “Like, actually?”

“If it wasn’t actually, I wouldn’t ask, would I?” You grip his hand tightly. “I just really don’t want to be alone tonight.”

‘Oh.’ He mentally kicks himself. ‘She’s scared. Don’t make her uncomfortable.’

“It’s alright if you don’t—”

He is extremely quick to reassure you that he is more than happy—‘Bad choice of wording.’—to stay tonight until you fall asleep, but that he would not stay the whole night as to not worry his brothers.

You nod in agreement. “That’s fine.” You rub the back of your neck. “Not sure I would be good company when I wake up, anyway; I still have class.”

“Oh, right.” He nods in understanding, pushing himself further onto the bed. “Which side…?”

You shrug. “Which way do you face?”

“I usually lie on my stomach.”

“Then it doesn’t matter.” You slide your sweatshirt over your head after a bit of squirming around, tossing it onto the couch.

His face is now scarlet. “Okay then,” he mumbles, laying down on the side away from the window. ‘Is she going to—no, stop that.’

You look over at him, face down on the mattress. You can almost feel the heat coming off him. “Are you alright there, buddy?”

He nods.

You shrug, laying down under the blanket and curling into him, facing the window. “Mind getting the light?”

He reaches over, clicking it off.

You sigh in content, turning to face him, teetering on the edge of the mattress. “I’m not venomous,” you inform him teasingly. “I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: of the two of us, you should not be the one who’s a nervous wreck.”

“You dunno that.” His voice is muffled by the bed.

“You’re the strong one,” you argue.

“So?” He turns his head to look at you. “I’m the guy laying in the—I’m just gonna stop that sentence.”

“It’s only bad if it isn’t consensual.” You smile reassuringly. “I invited you to lay with me, right? So, unless I make you uneasy, then we’re all good.”

He breaks eye contact. “So,” he clarifies, “you don’t mind if I move closer to you?”

You shake your head.

He hesitantly slides himself further onto the bed. “Can I move closer than this?”

“You’ve already seen me bawl my eyes out. You’re doing me a service. Move as close or as far as you want.”

He moves to press his side against you. “Is this fine?”

You nod. “Look, how about this?” You rest your arm under your head. “If you do something I’m uncomfortable with, the safe word is pina colada.”

‘We already have a safe word?’ He was not sure if he is on cloud nine or just terrified of you.

You are very confused why he looks so warm. “Do you need me to turn the AC on?”

He shakes his head. “I’m good,” he assures you tightly. Slowly, he reached an arm out and over your waist, pulling you closer. You do not seem to resist in any way, wrapping your good leg around one of his to pull him closer.

‘Conscious touching.’ He glances down at you, trying to act cool. ‘Conscious, intentional touching. She smells so nice and she feels—okay, this is not going to work if you keep being a perv.’

“Thanks,” you mumble, humming softly. “I appreciate this more than you know.”

Cloud nine. Definitely on cloud nine.

“Every time.”

You giggle.

He blinks. “What?”

“Every time,” you note, already nodding off. “Like in that book.”

‘Which one?’ “They wrote it down for a reason, right?” The longer he spends like this, the smoother he feels.

“Totally.” You smile, closing your eyes. “Just know that this goes both ways, alright? If you ever need help like this, you know who to call.”

This is new. ‘Help like this? What, like crying?’ His eyebrows furrow as he tries to understand what you mean. ‘Or he means if I ever need company in my—what did I just say?’

You pick up on his confusion. “Emotional help, I mean.” Your fingers trace the indentations in his shell absentmindedly. “I mean, I know sometimes I didn’t want to go to my family about stuff. I dunno if you have that…” you trail off, realizing that you might be unintentionally bashing his brothers. You sincerely do not want to blow this.

“I mean,” he says after a bit, “I think I get what you’re talking about.” He sighs. “You mean stuff that they’d make fun of me for, right?”

You nod.

He feels his heart melt a little. “I’ll have to take you up on that.”

You forgot how safe he makes you feel. “Goodnight, Donnie,” you mumble sleepily.

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

You pass out not long after that. If he has to estimate a general amount of time, he will clock it in at about five minutes. He does not move, however, until about thirty minutes before sunrise, too busy listening to the sound of your breathing and memorizing how exactly your body feels next to his. As he slips out of the window, early morning air waking him back up completely, he wonders if, someday, he could stay to see you wake up next to him. Not out of necessity, but just because you both wanted to stay like that for a while more.

‘I hope so. It’s a nice dream to have, anyhow.’

Table of Contents

Chapter 9

Chapter 11

#tmnt donnie #donnie x reader #2012 donnie #donnie #donatello x reader #tmnt donatello #donatello #tmnt #tmnt fanfiction #tmnt 2012 #tmnt 2k12 #teenage #teenage mutant ninja turtles 2012 #teenage mutant ninja turtles #hurt/comfort #still angst #but not as much #hamato clan #donatello hamato #y/n #self insert #self insert fanfiction #tmnt x reader

[capesandshapes]

The Last Resort: Chapter 4 (Adrinette)

Summary: After an akuma attack goes wrong, Adrien finally learns Ladybug’s secret identity and finds himself falling even deeper in love with his friend. He thinks he’s finally gotten lucky when she declares to him that she’s currently in the business of falling love with anyone but her previous crush… until that crush turns out to be him. Now Adrien has to somehow convince the girl of his dreams to fall back in love with him, while keeping his own identity a secret from her. Well, if there was one thing his father taught him, it was how to multitask.

Chapter Summary: Adrien Agreste, Professional Moron  Adrien finally discovers what Luka had to speak to Marinette about and subsequently steps up his game. Alya tries to help him but doesn't take into account the logic of two idiots in love.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Again and again. Adrien was sure that Marinette had watched the footage from earlier that night no less than a hundred times, never pausing of skipping, her eyes stuck in a look of constant scrutinization. Alya had only just uploaded it a few hours ago, but through Marinette’s constant clicking, the views had skyrocketed. The cat on the chaise behind her could hardly hope to hold her attention quiet like the video of her own humiliation did.

“You know, if you take a screenshot, it will last longer,” he joked.

“Ugh,” she replied with a roll her eyes, finally pushing away from the desk as the video played once more. She grimaced as the scene played once more, an akumatized villain named the Chessmaster grabbing her pigtails and swinging her halfway across Paris. “All of Paris is going to see this and think, ‘there goes Ladybug, human discus.’”

“You got distracted.”

“I’m not supposed to get distracted, Kitty.”

“You’re human,” he replied with a slight smile, leaning back in his chaise. If you had told him that Ladybug was capable of being anything less than perfect a week ago, he wouldn’t have believed it. But now? She wasn’t just human, she was Marinette. Being Marinette, the selfless and incredibly clumsy girl, should matter more than Ladybug.

“I need to stop letting my thoughts about my personal life bleed into my superhero life,” she muttered, her eyes drifting down to the floor as her mind wandered elsewhere. She’d only just spoken to Luka hours before; it was clear where her mind laid.

Adrien’s ears quirked, his face turning to look at her with an expression that said it all, tell me more . He’d waited there for hours for her to indulge him, give him even a hint of what he was up against. But she didn’t, her face remained caught in worry. He sat up slowly in the lounge chair, drawling, “welllll?”

“Well?” She echoed, tearing her eyes from the floor to look at him.

“A penny for your thoughts, my lady?” Adrien gleamed, “purr-chance an old alley cat could solve your problems?”

“I don’t have problems,” Marinette replied, sinking back into her chair, “at least not real ones.” She grimaced, emphasizing herself as she stated, “I’d love to have real problems though.” Another sigh, she reconsidered him, Chat Noir, as she seemed to contemplate what exactly she was doing. “Scoot over,” she demanded, “let me sit by you.”

He obeyed, only lifting his eyebrows slightly as the request. She fell into the spot almost immediately; her thighs touching him as she sat close to him on the lounge chair. A part of his mind wanted to put his arm around her, but the look of exasperation on her face warned him otherwise.  

Leaning towards him, she rested her head on his shoulder, inhaling loudly. Her eyes didn’t travel towards or anywhere near him, instead of looking to Tikki as the kwami dozed away on her desk.

“You’re stressed,” Adrien acknowledged.

“You’re stressed ,” Marinette replied, a slight mocking to her tone.

He chuckled, letting his head rest on top of her only slightly, “So.”

“So?”

“Anything to tell me?”

More air was audibly taken into Marinette’s lungs, her posture stiffening as she sat next to him. Slowly, his foot began to tap, and, with a glimpse, he saw her eyelashes flicker in time with the beat. After a moment, she spoke, her voice hesitant. “Civilian stuff, nothing important.”

He snorted.  

He could practically feel the unamused expression blossom upon her face as she outright stated, “Okay, let me rephrase. Romantic stuff, nothing that should be important to you,” her head pressed a little firmed against his shoulder as she gestured to him, “but you refuse to acknowledge that.”

He nodded, letting out a slight agreeing sound as he did so.

“And now you expect me to tell you, and if I do, you won’t drop it for the rest of the night.”

Another nod.

“Because, for some reason, you’re a masochist who likes to hear about the person you love dating other people,” she stated. “Which I can kind of understand because once I thought that I was that kind of selfless person, but then it turns out I wasn’t, and then Adrien dated Kagami but never really found outwheretheystoodandnowthat’sawholethingandmymindisamessand--”

“--I’m not that kind of person either,” he interrupted.

“No one’s that type of person,” Marinette admitted, pulling away from him only to look him square in the eyes, “everyone thinks that they’re that person, but they’re not! Every single time I saw them I wanted to be that person, but then they’d get really close like they were going to kiss and I thought I would vomit and then my brain would go white and I couldn’t look away and -- Luka!” She stopped her rambling to grab both of Adrien’s shoulders, repeating the other boy’s name once more, “Luka.”

“Luka?” He replied, halfway amused.

“Luka,” she affirmed before falling against the back of the chaise, repeating the name over and over again like a madwoman. For all Adrien knew, she could be going mad, “Luka, Luka, Luka. Why on earth would he do that? Why would anyone do that? I mean it just-- I-- Ugh!” She fell silent once more, repeatedly smacking her face.

“Ok, well,” Adrien began in the break, far more confused than he let on. “You’re going to have to explain because I don’t--”

“He asked me to hang out!” Marinette shouted. “And I said yes, of course, and then I asked, because I’m an idiot, if it was a date!” Her head rolled back against the chaise as she kicked up her feet, placing them on Adrien’s lap as she continued speaking dramatically, her arms doing half of the talking. Forming imaginary quotation marks with her fingers, she said in a Luka-esque voice, “‘only if you want it to be.’”

“Only if you want it to be?”

“Exactly,” she nodded. “I must have angered some sort of vengeful god or something, because before that I. Got. A. Text.” She bolted upwards into a sitting position once more, her eyes livid as she stated, “from Adrien, Adrien Agreste.” Her hands planted down on the chaise as she leaned towards the young man she knew only as Chat Noir, “ ‘I love spending time with you.’”  

“Oh no,” Adrien replied, struggling to hide the hint of humor in his voice.

“Oh yes.” Whatever professionalism she held as Ladybug must have come with the suit, because the young woman in front of Adrien had no composure. “I mean, what does that mean? What does any of it mean? What do boys mean?”

“Well, I--”

“It’s a rhetorical question, Chat,” she replied.

“It sounded like you wanted an answer,” he grinned. “Which, if you did, I would say that Adrien likes spending time with you. Which means, if I’m not mistaken, that he enjoys being around you. And boys? Well, that word means…” He trailed off purposefully, his smile widening as he teased her.

But she took no notice of his taunt. Instead, Marinette chose to correct him.  

“He didn’t say like,” she said, sounding slightly annoyed. She turned to her side, her body curling into the chaise as blood rushed to her face. Under her breath she murmured, “he said love.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alya leaned forward, her voice light as she placed her hands on Adrien’s shoulders, her face likely attempting to be soothing but the pure excitement behind her eyes made it anything but that. Her hands tightened around his shoulders, the edges of her mouth going up a bit too far as she asked him, “You’re ready?”

“I’m ready,” he reassured, his shoulders practically bouncing up and down as he said it.

“You’re sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Alya sighed, giving Adrien a good once over before nodding to herself. “Now remember, no matter what you do, no matter how you screw up; you’re going to come out ahead so long as you say the word date. You clearly state, ‘Marinette do you want to go out on a date this weekend,’ and then you’ve done it. Don’t focus on anything else; just think about the word date.”

“Date,” Adrien repeated helpfully.

“Date,” Alya nodded, a tiny bit of pride showing through. She’d made comments that she’d found it easier to coach Adrien in love than Marinette; he was sure this was one of those moments.

“And if she says no?” He asked, his nerves rising.

“She’s not going to say no,” Alya quickly replied, pulling her hand back from his shoulder to grab her phone out of her back pocket. Ignoring the look of doubt on his face, she shook her head at the boy and pressed a single button of the phone, checking her call log. Across the courtyard, she made eye contact with Nino. “Listen, Adrien. Right now, Marinette is waiting in the bakery for me to come to pick her up. I’m going to walk her this short, short distance to the park. Nino and I will coincidentally run into each other; he’ll make up some great excuse about how he left something at school and needs help getting it, then we’ll both go hide behind a tree or something in case you need help. Marinette’s going to wait there alone for a moment a little sad because wow everyone’s in love but her… and then, bam! Adrien Agreste, professional guy she could maybe love, shows up and asks her on a date. It’s short and it’s simple-- it’s not a convoluted plan involving giving half of the class flower names-- It’s perfect.”

“I mean, it’s hardly even a plan, it’s just--” Adrien began, but cut himself off as he noticed the glare on the brunette’s face. “Maybe I should bring flowers or something? Chocolates or a drink, or…”

Alya’s face reaffirmed him that that was not the best of plans. “You want to look spontaneous, like you just coincidentally decided, ‘oh, today I’ll ask my good friend Marinette out on a date.’ If you refuse to start with the whole I love you thing, then this is where you do start.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m sure.” but his face must have portrayed some of his uncertainty because she leaned towards him once more, her hands reassuringly tightening on his shoulders as she informed him, “You know, she’d kill me for saying it but, she’s crazy about you, absolutely crazy. The second she realizes that you like her too? It’s over for every man in Paris.”

“Thanks, Alya.”

“Now,” she began, flicking through her contacts before landing on the pink icon of Marinette’s number. “You stay here and practice asking, Prince Charming, and I’ll go get your clumsy Cinderella.” Her grin was practically infectious as she pressed the number, holding her phone up to her face as she walked away from him.  

He watched her go, his lips still tensed in a worried frown. Soon Marinette would be there and then… Showtime, he supposed.

“Human courting…” A voice from his pocket mused. “It’d be easier to just kiss her and explain later, but what do us kwamis know? We’re only centuries old.”

“Shut up, Plagg,” he muttered, slightly amused as he turned to his pocket, opening it slightly to face the small cat.

“All I’m saying is, you know she used to like you. Would it really be such an awful thing to her if the guy she used to like just so happened to kiss her? Mash mouths now, say you’re Chat Noir, snuff out the competition, and BAM! Ladynoir all over Paris.” The Kwami waved his paw like he was waving away Adrien’s worries.

“I can’t just kiss her!” He couldn’t even comprehend a reality in which he just walked up and kissed her. That was something, but it wasn’t exactly the path to love that Adrien was willing to take.

“You can, and you should,” Plagg said as he settled a little bit more into Adrien’s pockets.

“I can’t, and I shouldn’t!” He likely looked crazy, getting so emotional and almost yelling into his pocket. But he couldn't’ help himself; the idea was just too much. “Marinette deserves more, Marinette deserves…” He trailed off, his mind running through the exceptionally long list of things that Marinette deserved but cutting itself off the second that she entered the park, Alya’s arm wrapped around hers.

Ah, he should have hidden.  

“Adrien!” How she managed to project so much sound with just a squeak was a miracle to him. Alya and her had crossed the field in a matter of seconds, Marinette looking rather cheerful while Alya’s eyes stabbed daggers into him.

“What are you doing here?” Alya asked through gritted teeth, her face asking, why didn’t you hide, you gigantic moron?  

“Oh, there’s Nino too!” Marinette pointed out, waving at a very stressed Nino peering out from behind a tree.

“What a coincidence ,” Alya’s voice was dripping with sarcasm, yet that somehow went unnoticed by the other girl.  

“I’m going to go say hi to him,” Marinette said, already beginning to walk. It wasn’t hard to notice how quick she was to leave.

Alya’s hand reached for her arm, grabbing it and holding her in place. “NO. That’s…” The gears churned behind Alya’s eyes as Marinette shot her an innocent glance, confusion beginning to cover the blue-eyed girl’s face. “I mean, he’s my boyfriend! I want to say hi first, you know? It’s been a while since I last saw him!”

“Oh,” Marinette nodded.

“So, you’re going to stay here with Adrien… and maybe have a good conversation or two,” Alya said, gesturing to him momentarily before, quite suddenly, taking off in the direction of Nino.

So much for looking spontaneous.  

“I missed you this morning…” Marinette mumbled, her eyes rained on Alya and Nino as she spoke. A blush crept across her face, but she didn’t so much as glimpse him. Across the way, Nino and Alya were putting on quite the show of the world’s most prolonged greetings.  

“Weekends, what are you gonna do?” Adrien replied, stepping a little bit closer to her as he spoke. His head turned to Alya and Nino as well, trying to put on the facade of watching the two. In reality, his eyes remained on Marinette instead.

She gave him a half-smile, her arms crossing as she moved to hug herself slightly.

“I mean, there is something we could do…” He began, shuffling a little bit closer to her and allowing himself to look at her fully.

She spared him a glance, “Hm?”

“You could go out with me.”

The words fell on her, but she didn’t process them immediately. He could tell when she did though, because her whole body stiffened in a way that made his stomach drop. Blinking rapidly, she turned to face him, her mouth slightly ajar as she tried to rationalize what exactly was going on. “With Alya and Nino, right? You, me, Alya and Nino?”

He let out a nervous chuckle, “No, uh… Just you and me.”

“Just you and me?” She repeated, her face growing pinker as her eyes widened.

“Like a movie, or…”

“With just you and me?” She looked as if she might faint. “Alone? Together?”

“Hanging out,” Adrien affirmed. If he were smart, he would have realized his mistake with that.

“That’s…” She nodded, first to herself and then to him. But when it came to him, it wasn’t a small motion in the slightest. Her whole body moved with each nod, her pigtails nodding up and down as she seemed to affirm not only him but the universe that this was happening. “Us spending time together, yes! That’s good… That’s a good thing! I’d like that.”

“Then it’s a date,” he beamed.

And if Alya Cesaire were there and not currently going through the motions of an extremely long greeting with her boyfriend, she would have grabbed him by the shoulders and informed him that that, actually, is not how you ask someone on a date. She would have run him through the inner workings of Marinette’s mind and informed him that saying ‘it’s a date’ isn’t enough.  

But she wasn’t. And so, at that moment, Adrien stood next to the girl who he was fairly sure was the love of his life, rocking back and forth on his heels, and grinned like he had won the lottery instead of having done one of the stupidest things in his life.

#my fanfic #adrinette #adrienette #miraculous ladybug #marinette dupain-cheng #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #miraculous ladybug fanfiction #ml fanfic #mlb fanfic #I probably won't update anymore longform fics on tumblr after the last resort #like I'll just post the first chapter and a link and be like there you go dudes #but let me update up to the current chapter ok

[lunarrwolf]

black butterflies [colby brock]

fandom: sam and colby/traphouse

pairing: colby x self

word count: 1,864

part(s): one two

summary: after a prank gone wrong, colby and his friends meet another youtuber during her meet and greet in hopes it will cheer her up

A/N: this is a self-insert because it’s a fic that was started for my own personal pleasure. it was supposed to be shared last year on my fan account after a poll was done but never was bc i ended up not feeling ready to do so. i figured since i‘m ready to share it now, it would be best to do it here since it’s pretty detailed

TWO

She was going to be okay, right? She didn't need Casey to be there every step of the way. The redhead wasn't even needed for the business over in California. She always did perfectly fine without her longtime friend in all the solo videos. Casey was only there for a fraction of the recorded moments. Besides, the argument that night made it clear that she only ever pretended to enjoy the spooks that came with being a part of the channel. There was never any pure joy or thrill that usually came with experiencing such things with your friend. Yet those were half of the best memories Kirsy had with her since the beginning of the channel. They'd been best friends since eighth grade, and yet one prank likely destroyed a friendship of seven years. It was a sad fact that she had to suck up and admit so it wouldn't ruin the trip. So far the only bright side was that her best friend since her sophomore year of high school was going to be keeping her company.

“Please don't tell me you're sulking.” She blinked, realizing she was thoughtfully staring at the half packed suitcase on her bed. She turned her head to the doorway that had a twenty-four year old leaning against it.

Aiden met Kirsy during a school talent show that she was chosen to film. He was one of those viewers always looking for new people to subscribe to, and he found her page only weeks before the show when she had around 1,000 subscribers. He helped a lot with photos and editing, and was the only person who was a real friend for her out of the new ones she made after her channel became widely known. After Casey left, he stepped up as what he described as the 'better best friend’.

She sighed at the raised eyebrow adorning his face and sat on the bed, crossing her legs. “I have a right to sulk, jerkface.”

“Jerkface? You've had better insults than that.” He straightened his posture and walked over to the girl, sitting on the other side of the suitcase. “Was it fair to spring a horror movie on her less than a week after her return from vacation? No- no it was not. But she was in the wrong to just leave you like that. You apologized several times, and has she responded at all? No. And why?”

“I really don't want to have one of your sometimes vulgar speeches right now-”

“Why hasn't she replied?”

Kirsy sighed and hung her head back, letting silence sink in for a brief moment. “Because she’s a jealous supporting character who only stayed because I ended up making money from my videos?”

Aiden raised his eyebrows and leaned back against the mattress, “That wasn't a statement.”

“Well what is it that you want me to say?!” She lifted her arms in exasperation, throwing herself back only to realize that the half empty trunk was still there. She groaned, hiding her face in the side of the object as the young man beside her rolled his eyes.

Once he became familiar with the ginger himself, he was an eyewitness to all fights and disagreements between the pair, as well as the resolutions that came along with them. After the second or third time, he started to observe the way they interacted with one another. Kirsy used to have a tendency of going too far with what she said or did but stopped when she saw how it affected people, which is why this last prank really surprised him. On the other hand, Casey was someone who held grudges and would say the opposite of what she meant when she was upset by something. Her temper raised more than others he knew, and after such a long vacation from the type of content his friend makes, it probably pushed her off the edge. It wasn’t right to pull a stunt like that but it was less right to refuse to resolve issues or just be civil after the other party puts in so much effort to fix a wrong.

They may have become friends when he was a senior and they were sophomores, but he considered Kirsy his closest. She was the type to either not be fazed by other people or bottle things up if she was; there was never an in-between. He watched her bemused as she kept her face on the side of the suitcase, reaching for a pillow to throw on top of her head. “I don’t want you to say anything. I want you to stop being so depressing.”

“Depressed is my default.”

There was a beat of silence after her muffled reply, then laughter broke out in the empty room. She lifted her head from underneath the pillow to see Aiden trying to keep himself from laughing too hard. He didn’t know if it was because of how she sounded or because of the fact she said it so casually, but he couldn’t help himself. Seeing her friend enjoy himself over something she said did make her feel better. So - she threw the object back at him and sat up. He dialed it down immediately, chuckling when they made eye contact. “I’m sorry but while that wasn’t the thing I was looking for, it was something. And you need to realize that you can’t control what other people do and how they handle things. You can, however, control how you handle shit. Now I say you finish packing so we can get our asses to fucking California and you can show me off to all of your west coast kids.”

She stared at him for a short moment before pointing at him, “See? Vulgar speech.” He rolled his eyes and she grinned, hopping off her bed to go to her closet.

The young man followed suit, staring at the mostly black attire. “Alright- you better pick the cutest alternative clothes you have if we’re going to be meeting cute boys.”

Kirsy rolled her eyes immediately, not surprised at all with her friend’s judgement and eagerness for them to find boyfriends. Or even just someone for each of them only for the time they would be over there for the trip. “We’re going to Los Angeles, Aiden. Where is there going to be a cute guy who’s also not going to end up being a jerk?”

-

The former blonde eyed the boy going over how they could approach the vlogger when the time comes.

Colby didn’t want to come off cocky or dismissive by bringing up their channels. He also didn’t want to seem too eager since they all now watched her videos just as much as she did theirs. It felt like there was a lot riding on this. It was different than if they would run into each other at a convention somewhere, and he didn’t fully know why. At least, he would always tell himself he didn’t know. “Her meet up isn’t for another two days- why are you freaking out?”

He slumped over the counter, planting his head down into his folded arms. His roommates and closest friends all watched him with knowing looks as he tried several times to brush off the subject. He met each of their gazes, “I’m not freaking out. I just want her to meet some nice people.”

“Her fans are nice people.” Corey cut in, jumping up to sit on the counter across from the kitchen’s island.

The dark brunette only attempted the same trivial action, waving a hand to dismiss the sentence as if it wasn’t a fact. He knew how great a community the girl built up. She always talked about wanting to grow her own family and have that connection with so many people; not one based off of fandoms she was in but based on her own content and genuine following. He was one of those members, only he kept it more low-key than his friends in order to let her have that part of her dream. What Corey said rang, yet at the same time- “Ones she can talk to. I’m sure she would love to meet someone who understands.”

“And this has nothing to do with the fact that you like her.” Jake stated, raising an eyebrow at his friend, daring for him to deny it. It was something he was ready to do the moment the words left his roommate’s lips.

It just didn’t make sense to develop feelings of any kind for something you’d never met or even spoken to - did it? They were two YouTubers who started at different times, somehow never ran into one another at conventions, and she was a fan of his and his roommates long before she started launching her own career in this industry. He never followed the account she had that was mostly dedicated to him but he remembered liking countless posts and reading some of the captions directed at him that he never replied to.

He did notice how similar they were - sense of style, music taste, outlook on life and the many hair color changes - but it couldn’t have stirred anything up. Maybe he just knew that they would get along well if they met in real life versus just knowing that the other existed. There didn’t have to be a whole situation where he developed a crush on a girl who made a fan account for him and showed up in his mentions a lot. Someone who was a fan of him and his content for years before he even acknowledged her; and that was before she started her own channel and brand. At the same time though, before she stopped tagging him in edits and posts, every time she would respond to his posts and such were done without sounding like an actual fan. From the few times he would catch her comments, she made it seem as if they were friends. And her replies always matched his own feeling and hope of someone understanding what he would mean.

The self proclaimed ‘emo god’ of the group could only voice his denial before announcing his leave of the kitchen. After so long, his closest friends knew exactly how their comrade behaved when he was attracted to or was beginning to like someone. They knew he was going to be in denial for at least the two days leading up to all of them seeing the twenty-two year old off screen.

When Colby reached his bedroom, he threw himself on top of the large covers on his bed, placing his hands behind his head as he stared at the ceiling. The ding that indicated a Twitter notification sounded in the silence, and he fished his phone out of his pocket. He saw that he’d been tagged in another post and decided to check it out, expecting it to be art or some selfies for the trend his fans started. It was the latter, although it ended up being a tag from Kirsy’s account. He looked at the photos thoughtfully before pressing the heart on the screen.

Maybe there was another reason for going to her meet up.

#colby #colby and sam #colby brock #colbybrockimagines #corey scherer #jake webber #sam and colby #traphouse #youtuber #youtubers #cole robert brock #colby brock imagines #sam golbach imagines #jake webber imagines #corey scherer imagines #self insert #fandom #fanfic #fanfiction #youtube #Fam5 #xplr #katrina stuart #tara yummy #devyn lundy #brennen taylor #brennen #mikes dead

[kvngjoong]

between the disappearing stars [han jisung]

→ han jisung x (f)you, in which jisung has a crush that he can’t tell you about, and you’re dating one of his friends → 20k+, mafia!au, mentions of robbery, alcohol use, guns

[x oc vers. avaliable on ao3!]

“Yah, you’re so stupid sometimes! I’m not here to ask you to check my wound. I got hurt! I don’t get hurt. It made me… It made me think about the future and realise that I’m not invincible and one day I might get hurt for real! What will I do then? Die knowing that I never told you everything I felt? I could die!”

“Don’t talk about you dying,” you tell him, turning away to go into the living room.

Jisung follows close behind, stopping at the door with both of his hands on either side of the frame. He closes his eyes to try and suppress some of the anger surging through him. “This isn’t about me dying! Why won’t you just listen to what I tell you? What’s wrong about you acknowledging that I… I’m in love with you!”

Han Jisung had, by all respects, started a weekly routine which he very much liked to stick with. It usually consisted of Monday nights with his housemates Changbin and Felix, Tuesdays eating dinner with everyone else, Wednesdays wherever Chan had instructed him to be, Thursdays he would spend catching up on his own private time, Fridays he would go wherever Minho and Seungmin needed him to be, Saturdays in the company of Woojin and Jeongin, and Sunday was a day purely dedicated to avoiding Hwang Hyunjin with all the power he had.

It wasn’t as if he enjoyed running from the older boy, doing his best to not open any of his snapchat stories or hear his name mentioned by absolutely anyone. That wasn’t to be mean, that wasn’t a personal attack at Hyunjin, it was a pure reaction given that Jisung had to put up with that asshole since they were younger and he was sick of hearing about everything and anything Hwang Hyunjin.

Maybe that did make him an asshole, but he would rather be an asshole than spend his Sunday doing some friendly fire to make sure that he would not hear the name of his worst nightmare mentioned on his day of rest.

"He's an asshole," Jisung listens contently, trying to avoid the smile on his face. He agrees with a single nod before he goes back to highlighting the page of the security manual in his hands. "I really hate him, Jisung! He makes my blood boil for how he treats me sometimes. We've been dating for this long and he still thinks that my opinion doesn't matter and he can forget to tell me that he's going to be robbing whatever store this weekend so can't go on the date we've been planning for this long?"

Jisung usually avoids conversations about Hyunjin, but this was the exact kind of conversation he did want to have about the elder. He drops the highlighter, closing the book and shrugging. "You should break up with him."

"I should break up with him?"

"If he's such an asshole, yeah." Jisung finds that his statement was pretty obvious, though harsh. The past few years with Hyunjin means that Jisung is very aware of how much of an asshole Hyunjin can, and will, be to people. He didn't expect him to be an asshole to his girlfriend but... that went in Jisung's favour. "Hey, I mean it, you break up with him and you don't have to deal with him anymore."

You sigh as your head drops down to the floor. You let yourself fall forward, body pressed onto the covers of Jisung's bed. He finds some pity left, so pats your head to try and offer some sympathy. You only groan at his touch, looking up to him with wide eyes. "But I can't..."

"Why can't you?" Jisung asks.

"You guys are all his friends," you tell him. You sit up again, pushing fingers in your hair as your eyes fall shut again. You groan and hit both of your hands down on Jisung's bed. "It will be awkward. Not so much with you guys here but... what about Minho? I can't ever see Minho again because Hyunjin will just be there and it will be awkward. I can't have food with you guys unless I know beforehand that he won't be around and I... I can't help you guys out any more."

Jisung scoffs at you. "You'll have to get a proper job."

"Yah, you're a part of this whole organised-crime-gang-thing that Chan has going on. You should get a proper job, too." Jisung feels bad for a second, but when he remembers that this whole conversation is about Hyunjin he forgets it again. "Jisung, I don't know what to do anymore. I just want things to go well. I like Hyunjin, he just... isn't what I want sometimes."

When you said things like this, Jisung found a flicker of hope left in his soul as to the future that was very much written in the stars. He was still bitter than his school crush ended up dating another one of her friends and he was extra bitter that his school crush was also his best friend. He was, in the simplest terms, at boiling point with the whole never getting over his crush thing.

He tried. He even somehow kind of admitted to Chan that he had a thing for someone, and Chan likely guessed it was you, in the hopes that he could get some advice on how to annihilate a crush he had and go back to living life as someone with no emotions, no cares, and a mean streak when it came to videogames.

His aiming ability in Call of Duty annoyed the hell out of everyone, much to his pleasure.

You would always cheer him on rather than Hyunjin, but that was because Hyunjin barely ever played and when he did, he was always the one who died first and made about twenty kills. So Jisung would take it as a win either way. But... he shouldn't think of that.

"Then leave him for what you want," Jisung tells you, unsure of what else to suggest. He picks up the manual again, seeing that you have turned back to your phone.

"It's not that easy," you remind him, a line he's heard far too many times. Hyunjin wasn't the best boyfriend, he was starting to realise. "Jisung, if I decide to move all the way to France, will you be mad at me?"

Jisung kisses his teeth. "You're not leaving me to go to France."

"You have Changbin to keep you company. Felix too, even if you guys always fight. We can video chat whenever you want." Your expression shows that even if you are joking, a part of you is definitely thinking about fleeing Ansan at the next best opportunity. "I don't want to deal with this anymore. I just want a peaceful life with only you to worry about."

"That's fair, you don't have anything to worry about with me."

"I have the most to worry about with you, Han Jisung."

The relationship between you and Jisung is... mixed. The pair of you were inseparable from when you both met in school and were stuck next to each other. Somehow, your polite tendencies intrigued Jisung, who, at the time, was disrespectful and only cared about himself. So it was a pretty textbook situation for the wannabe rapper to develop a crush on a transfer student from a school elsewhere who looked like the girl in his dreams that he actually hadn’t had yet.

He was asked by their teacher to show you around, and he had enough charisma to keep you around and secure his status of being the best friend of the girl that all the guys in their class wanted to date. He still didn't know what about him reeled you in, but it was too far along now to question why you always, up until Hyunjin, picked him over everyone else.

"You don't need to worry about me though," Jisung tells you. He decides to give up on the security manual and chucks it to the floor beside his bed. "I know what I'm doing. Plus, Chan literally asks me to do dumb stuff now. He has Changbin helping him on all the big stuff. I'm literally just finding out how Jeongin can turn off a security alarm and giving feedback for five per cent. How can you worry about me for that?"

You roll your eyes. "How'd you get the manual?"

"I took it from behind the counter at the store they're going to?"

"You're stupid." You chuck your phone down by the manual too and climb over the bed so you can sit directly next to Jisung, rather than opposite him. He watches you with wide eyes, but lets his arms fall around you when you sits next to him and lean into his shoulder. "Some dumb shit is going to happen to you, Han Jisung, and it's going to hurt me more than you realise."

Jisung's heart thumps a little louder than he wanted it to. "I told you, you don't need to worry about me. I'm fine."

"Just let me care about you, Han Jisung. Or else I will make you regret ever having made friends with me."

"Can't you channel that energy onto Hyunjin?"

You look up to him questioningly. "What do you mean?"

"He's made you mad, so let's go make him mad." Jisung saves himself from a conversation he doesn't want to have by taking it back to the one person he didn't want to talk about. Yet he finds himself eager to share his plan as he sees it all happen in his head. "Let's go egg his car, hmm?"

"Do you want him to actually kill us?" You ask, eyes wide as saucers.

Jisung doesn't reply, mostly because he can see you slowly letting your lips curl into a smile. Yeah, he didn't want to think of Hyunjin, but he certainly wanted to piss Hyunjin off for messing with the girl that he liked first. "He should have thought first about hurting you, shouldn't he?"

❂❂❂

The cashier had a habit of giving questioning looks to Jisung with each carton of eggs that he put on the counter. Unfortunately he always aroused suspicion whether he wanted to or not, usually because he had a baby face that wasn’t well suited with his leather jackets and ripped jeans, and because he spoke informally to just about anyone he came across.

He was sure that he would be refused service by the seventh carton that’s put down, offering a smile as you wrap your arm around Jisung, resting your hand on his upper arm, and leaning your head onto his shoulder. The cashier, an older lady who was susceptible to a girl’s charms, changes her demeanour as soon as you smile. “We are baking and cooking for my Jisungie’s brother’s birthday. We are catering for a lot of people.”

My Jisungie? Jisung is frozen for a moment. Even if he tells himself that it was just a cover for the fact they were buying the needed amount of eggs to throw at someone’s house, he still likes the way that you say it. He smiles, though it was nothing like your own, but doesn’t touch you back in case he crossed any boundaries. He wasn’t the one in a… relationship. Even if it wasn’t one right now.

“Ah,” the lady replies, understanding your reasoning. This part of town was pretty quiet and often people would come in to buy all kinds of things in bulk, eggs were just particularly unusual because they were overpriced at this store. “Enjoy. Happy birthday to your brother.”

“We will,” you answer. You pick up the cartons once the lady has scanned them and start to place them in a bag, to help the lady out.

She tells you both that the total is nine dollars something and before you can find your purse, Jisung puts a ten dollar bill on the table and picks up the bag, saying his thank yous to the lady and leading you out of there. He didn’t want to spend any more time than needed in there, since if anyone ever came looking for them for the egging of Hyunjin’s house, a lady would most definitely remember that mismatched couple from the store who were cooking for Jisungie’s brother’s birthday, with 7 dozen eggs.

And Hyunjin is so dramatic that he would be the type to call whatever crooked law enforcement he can to make sure no one did it again.

“Do you feel bad?” you ask, climbing into the driver’s seat. Jisung looks at you, confused, but copies your actions and sits in the passenger seat without wasting any time. He watches you with dazed look that likely comes from his mind constantly replaying the whole touching thing. Jisung was that affection deprived that his heart was warmed from such a small gesture. “Like, we aren’t just throwing these at Hyunjin’s place. Minho and Woojin are there, too. You know Woojin will just end up cleaning it.”

Jisung hums softly, turning away when you meet his eyes. “I didn’t think about that.”

“What if we just throw it at Hyunjin’s car?” you suggest.

“What about the alarms?” Jisung asks. He knows how sensitive car alarms can be from his experience accidentally setting off your own. Well, that, and every time he would lean on a random car in the street as he waited for Minho or Changbin or whoever, and set it off for just putting too much weight on it. “You want to feel the wrath of Hwang Hyunjin at… eleven thirty pm? Isn’t it just about now he puts on his face mask?”

You laugh off Jisung’s comment, shaking your head though concentrating on the drive as you pulls out onto the main road. “He actually does it at ten.”

“Yah! How does someone schedule a time to do face masks. He is crazy. I think he has problems.”

Jisung was probably so defensive because Hyunjin had nice skin that all the girls would go crazy after. He recalled when Hyunjin transferred into your class in the last year of school and every girl would stare at him like he was some kind of idol.

Jisung was also probably jealous of that because, even though he sat next to you right at the back of the class and neither of them paid all that much attention to what was going on, you still would look over to Hyunjin with wide eyes and whisper to Jisung that he was the prettiest boy you had ever seen. Jisung would then in turn pout and say that he was pretty, and you would shush him because you were busy looking at Hyunjin.

He wasn’t even sure how your constant staring in classes lead to Hyunjin actually talking to you, then asking you out, then the two of you dating and... Christ, Jisung can't even remember when Hyunjin did actually ask you out. The two of you had been dating forever and Jisung had mushed it all into one big period that was never going to end. You would know when you started dating Hyunjin, obviously.

So Hyunjin wasn't crazy and he didn't have problems, he was just different from Jisung and what you were looking for. That was the reason that Jisung had such a detest for Hyunjin.

Hyunjin was what you wanted in a guy. A cute looking, nice skin having, tall, kind of arrogant, really annoying, guy named Hwang Hyunjin who somehow managed to win your heart despite not really giving a shit about anyone but himself.

Jisung pushes the thought of Hyunjin and you to the back of his head as he turns back to you and carries on where you didn't respond to him. "Let's just... crack open the eggs all over his car. Don't throw them and we won't set off any alarms."

"No alarms," you confirm. You’re only a street away from Hyunjin's, since he lived much closer to civilisation than Jisung. His shared house with Minho and Woojin was more of an impulse buy from one of the people up top when they needed a safe house for the trio. Fortunately for Jisung he lived closer to you so he never complained about it. He had a longboard to get him around if he needed it. "You think he will know it's us?"

Jisung shakes his head. "Not unless you tell him."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Jisung answers, taking one of the cartons of eggs from the carrier bag. He opens it to inspect the eggs, avoiding contact with you. "You just... tell him absolutely anything. From what bitches you had to serve at work, all the way to the colour of your underwear."

You kiss your teeth. "You're not dating someone, you don't know why I tell him the colour of my underwear."

"Because you want him to think of you in underwear. I'm single, not a complete idiot."

"Well..." your voice trails off as you pull up a little bit of the way down the road from Hyunjin's car. You narrow your eyes at Jisung for having that conversation with you. "You're banned from ever talking to me about that subject again."

Jisung scoffs, tossing an egg at you which you thankfully catches. "You can't ban me."

"Not in the car!" You scold, cradling the egg in your hands. You place it back in the carton then whack Jisung's shoulder. "Are you forgetting when you and Changbin got milk all over the seats?"

"I knew you would catch it. Don't be so uptight."

Maybe he was acting up because he was now jealous that Hyunjin got to see you in your underwear. No, he shouldn't be jealous of that because Hyunjin was your boyfriend and he should be respectable to you. But god he thinks about that time he was looking over Hyunjin's shoulder and saw one of the snapchats you sent Hyunjin. He thinks about it way too many times. Jisung finds himself disgusting.

He leaves the car without an answer from you, though he doesn't think you would have given one anyway. His mind turns to the shiny black car parked a few spaces down from Hyunjin's window, which he insisted on having so he could make sure no one stole his pristine new car that he bought with his revenues last year. His black Audi stuck out like a sore thumb on the street with old cars of all other different makes, most of them far cheaper, but also because Hyunjin put so much pride into that car that it caused everyone problems.

Really, he cared more about that car than you, but you weren’t ready to be having that conversation yet.

"Make sure to cover the windscreen," Jisung tells you, since you’re following not too far behind him, as he points to the freshly cleaned glass.

Jisung places the eggs down on the floor, all of the cartons this is, before opening the top carton and taking one of them out. He breaks the shell with his thumbs, cracking it open and letting the inside drop down onto the glass. You follow his actions, picking up an egg and doing the same thing at the top of the glass, so it will smear the entire way down.

He takes some pride in seeing you so happy. Hyunjin made you happy, but not as happy as you seemed when you were destroying some property of his. Exhibit A was the very situation; you cracked a smile and even laughed when Jisung started to completely cover the windscreen, though you stopped yourself by covering your mouth with your hands. Jisung's heart was warmed once again as you turned back to him, mouth covered but eyes showing just how much you were laughing behind your hands. You lean into him, head on his chest as you try to calm yourself down.

It was pretty much the same when you both stole his clothes  from the gym changing room and watched as Hyunjin ran around the gym asking people where is that idiot Han Jisung with my clothes! Where is he? I will kill him! You were kept as an innocent party but Jisung didn't mind because he saw how it brightened your day after Hyunjin admitted that he thought about breaking up with you for a while. When you both blamed Chan's flat tyres on Hyunjin being the most aggressive driver, instead of taking the fall for Jisung and you taking it in turns to see what they could crush beneath the wheels. In your defence, that was a while ago.

The pair of you do a number of Hyunjin's car though, by the time all 72 eggs are used up, the car is pretty much covered all over in the substances that don't look all that nice. Jisung takes a few glances up to Hyunjin's window to check that no one is watching as you take some pictures to use again in the future. Jisung's senses go into high alert when he sees Hyunjin's bedroom light turn on, and he grabs your arm to pull you with him so you can make an escape in your car.

Jisung thinks you’re both in the clear when you reach your car, though when Jisung looks back to the window one last time (primarily to send a mocking glance towards Hyunjin's non-existent figure, because haha Hyunjin, I win), he catches the very boy's eyes staring at him from the open window.

Instead of waiting, he jumps in the car and shouts for you to hurry up and go, not without rolling down the window to hear Hyunjin screaming at him. "Yah! What have you done to my car! Han Jisung! You are dead!"

❂❂❂

“How do I look?” you ask, opening the curtain to the dressing room you had hidden yourself in for the past ten minutes. You turn to the side, lifting one of your legs behind you to show off the clothes you had picked up, directing a peace sign at Jisung. “It looks cute, right?”

Jisung hums. “Yeah, it’s alright.”

He was never really the best with fashion, so he wasn't sure why you (always) asked him to come along and help you pick out an outfit for this thing you had with work. Though he appreciated the gesture, and he liked spending time with you, there was also a part of him that was annoyed because he realised that you were likely taking Hyunjin with you tonight (since he, as always, apologised) and you had dragged him out of here without any consideration for your feelings.

Jisung did, however, know enough about clothes to know that you did look cute. You had heeled white leather boots on, hemmed about a quarter of the way up your calf. You’d picked up some pastel pink straight leg pants and a white jumper without any sleeves. His mind drifts off to an alternate universe where the two of you were sat together on a date, talking about god knows what, and there were people around commenting how endearing you were as a couple.

Well, at first they said that. Their words turned into questions about why the two of you; the pretty girl who had the face of an angel and the boy who wasn't interested in anything other than the easiest way to make money in the shortest amount of time. They wondered why you ever settled for him. You were so pretty, your hair was perfect and your skin was just like glass. He, on the other hand, had the poorly tamed mess of hair that he would never let Changbin bleach again, and dressed like he wanted to be one of those rappers like Zico but never actually made it that far. He looked like your younger brother at best.

“--I just think that maybe he won’t really understand the relevance of the pink?” your voice pulls Jisung from his thoughts as he pushes away the underlying nastiness from the voices he was making up. You look to him expecting an answer. “Hyunjin won’t understand, will he?”

Jisung stares at you wide eyed for a moment, before he nods slowly. “He is a bit slow, but I’m sure he will get it in the end.”

“You get it though, right?” you ask.

“I mean, yeah,” Jisung tells you, smiling a little as he tries to stall. He has no idea what you are talking about, since he zoned out halfway through you talking before. He tries to remember anything you said to him. The work thing wasn’t anything to do with it. There was something else. Think Jisung, think. You mentioned something to do with the moon before. Nope, it’s not coming to him any time soon. “But that’s cause you told me.”

You hum, watching Jisung for a moment before you turn around and look through some of the other tops you picked out. Jisung looks around the room, eyes darting from each interesting detail as he tries to make himself a little less out of place. Sure, he was allowed to be in there, but there was something telling him that a few people didn’t want him there. There are two older ladies who are chatting, both with a strong dialect, and they keep giving him glances from across the room. Even a sales assistant gave him the side eye earlier. Did they think he was going to steal something? He’s not that bad.

“I don’t even know if I should go,” you state, turning back to Jisung. You sits on the stall in the changing room and sigh, resting your chin on your hand, elbow on your knees. “You know what Hyunjin is like when there’s people around.”

“Overdramatic, inconsiderate, loud, annoying, an all around asshole that causes nothing but problems. That’s an easy one.”

You find some amusement in Jisung’s words, though unsurprisingly come to the defence of your boyfriend, as always. “He’s not that bad. I was going to say that he doesn’t like being around a lot of people. He always worries that… I don’t know, someone will recognise him.”

“His self importance is pointless. We’re not known enough to be recognised.” His statement is probably already contradicted considering that no matter where Jisung went, he always found the security cameras and made sure that the only time he would appear on them was when he wanted to. That was likely a lesson from one of his hyungs that he accidentally kept with him. “Hyunjin thinks he’s this bad ass, but he’s not.”

“Funny, he says the same about you.”

“He does?”

"He told me that you were getting a bit of a big head about everything," you tell him, nodding. You snap a picture of yourself in the mirror. You turn it around and gets a selca with Jisung in the back, pouting because of what Hyunjin had said. "Jisungie, you look cute!"

He frowns at your words. "Why are you calling me that?"

"Calling you what?"

"Jisungie." He pulls the hood of his coat over his head and sits back further into the chair. "I told you to call me Han."

You roll your eyes as you pull the curtain shut to the dressing room. Jisung only complains because he doesn't like the warm feeling in his chest he always tries so hard to get rid of when it comes to you. "I can't call you Han. We're too close for that. Do you not like Jisungie?"

"No I do, it's just..."

Jisung is stopped by his phone vibrating in his lap and he can only frown upon catching sight of a name he didn't expect to see call him. He rolls his eyes, answering the call and pressing his phone to his ear. "Yes, Hyunjin?"

"That's rude," Hyunjin says. Jisung is concerned by tone in Hyunjin's voice. He usually sounds like he has a stick up his ass but not in this way. "Is mygirlfriend with you? She's not answering my calls."

Jisung hums. "She's getting an outfit for tonight."

"Tonight?" Hyunjin questions. You pull back the curtain with your brows slightly furrowed as to who Jisung is talking with. You show him a thumbs up and he nods. "Oh--yeah. Tonight. Why are you with her?"

"Because you were busy."

Jisung hears Hyunjin breathe a little harsh and knows that he's pissed at that. There was something about how Hyunjin got worked up with how close you and Jisung were that made Jisung feel especially enlightened.

He shows the screen to you, and you roll your eyes before going back into the changing room. Jisung still hasn't heard Hyunjin reply, so does it for him. "Is there something you need, Hyunjin?"

"I wanted to know where my girlfriend was," Hyunjin says. His bitterness is probably still a result of the car incident. Jisung battles a smile at his frustrations. "But you already knew. It's fine. Just a reminder that we need to meet up to discuss that job Chan wants us to do. I'll text you when is best for me."

As usual, there's no goodbye from Hyunjin and Jisung is left wondering why he ever agreed to work with his worst nightmare, even just to please Chan and convince him that he was better than the others. Jisung's phone is bundled back in his pocket and he's left wondering just how jealous he really does make Hyunjin.

You had never brought it up before, though you wouldn't. He could probably get something out of Minho if he tried hard enough, or if he spent enough time with Woojin. The oldest would just start to gossip like there was no tomorrow.

He would find out just how much of a burden he was to Hwang Hyunjin - hopefully it was equal to how much grief Hyunjin caused Jisung.

❂❂❂

There's a tension in the air that Jisung can't really avoid, especially since Hyunjin won't sit next to him or even acknowledge his existence. That was likely because of the car incident a week or so ago, which Jisung refused to apologise for on the grounds that Hyunjin upset you and as your best friend, Jisung had to defend you. He did also say you had nothing to do with it, and Hyunjin believed that without a second word. Dumbass. Hyunjin just hated Jisung with a passion but was too worried what Chan would say if he actually admitted to it.

You and Hyunjin made up a few days after the car incident, though. You had told Jisung that night and explained that Hyunjin apologised for speaking to you like he did and promised not to do it again, not that Jisung believed his apology was genuine in the slightest. It was a kind of... trophy girlfriend thing that Hyunjin had going on. He was the only one of them all that had a girlfriend at the moment; he was the only one who dated anyone that everyone had agreed with attractive (even Jae and Younghyun had made off handed comments that you were pretty and Hyunjin was lucky to be dating you).

So he kept you around for the clout, effectively. At least, Jisung saw it that way. Hyunjin may have been loyal, he may have ignored advances from other girls and he was a supportive boyfriend when you needed him to be, but Jisung would never accept the act that of all people, Hwang Hyunjin would be a better boyfriend than he would.

No, Jisung would be the perfect boyfriend. He would... do everything he needed to do, he would do more than that too. He would make sure you were always happy and never argue with you and...

He doesn't know how to be the perfect boyfriend.

Sure, Jisung had a girlfriend a while ago. Just after they finished school he dated a girl from their class and she asked him to be her boyfriend, so he accepted thinking that it wouldn't be that hard. They were together for about a month. Jisung broke up with her because no matter what they did together, he either imagined it was you and felt guilty afterward, or he felt guilty and stopped anything from going on.

The only one he knew that would be the perfect boyfriend would be Chan, probably. Chan was a box full of unlimited knowledge and that boy most definitely knew exactly what to do when it came to dating.

"I think it would be best to head in through the back door," Hyunjin states, stopping his pacing beside the chair that Jisung had taken. He points to the blueprints, given to them earlier by Minho, and trails it across the paper and to the highway that stretched across behind the store. "Easy entrance and exit. You go in, grab what you can, make a break for it and you'll get picked up over the fence. If you can jump it."

Jisung scoffs at Hyunjin's comment. "I can jump it, I'm not Changbin."

"You're still tiny." Hyunjin huffs to himself as he sits in the chair opposite to Jisung and points at the side entrance to the store. "You can always go in there and try to make something of an exit before the police arrive. Then just make a break for the car and it will be on the other side of the buildings, here."

"How long for the police to arrive?" Jisung questions, trying to work out how far the police station is from the store.

Hyunjin shrugs. "From when the alarm is triggered... I don't know. Two minutes? With these old stores it's never that quick."

"You don't know for sure?" Jisung curses Chan for sticking him with Hyunjin on this one. Considering that they were both front runners and neither liked recon, it was a pretty shitty match. Unfortunately it was either Hyunjin or Woojin, and between the two, Hyunjin still would have done a better job than Woojin at making sure Jisung didn't get arrested. Woojin had put all of his perk points in converting objects to money for the best price. "Should I do a test run to see?"

"Nah. It will just make them weary. Trust me, it takes a while. You just have to have someone who knows how to drive quickly."

Jisung curses Hyunjin this time. "Okay, so who is that?"

"Yugyeom is busy. So is Dowoon." Hyunjin sour look shows that he hates organising and that next time all the behind the scenes work would be put with Jisung. "(Y/N)’s free, though."

"What?" Jisung questions.

"Yeah. She said she'd do it. Fifteen per cent cut. Not bad if you ask me."

Jisung bites down his back teeth at Hyunjin's words. Was he serious? Hyunjin very rarely makes jokes so it was likely he was serious but... He must have not been thinking. "Really? Are you kidding? For fifteen per cent?"

"The only other option is I do it myself. But I banned you from my car given that you covered it with eggs over nothing," Hyunjin tells him. He picks up his mug of strawberry and cucumber tea, sipping it slowly. "So you call (Y/N) and she'll get you out of there with whatever you're able to get. It won't be that much. Enough to make a profit on the headaches this has caused me. I don't know why Chan is so insistent on hitting small places when we could just take down that big jewellery store in town if we all combined our talents."

"You know that Chan is just listening to what they tell him up... Yah! Don't you take me away from what I was saying before Hwang Hyunjin. You're not using (Y/N) as the driver."

Hyunjin remains unphased. "I'm not?"

"No," Jisung tells him. He rolls up the blueprints and shoves them in his rucksack. "She isn't helping us out because it's dangerous and given how unsure of everything you are, I won't be the one to take responsibility if she gets hurt."

"I will take responsibility, and she won't get hurt. Why are you being such a dick about this? She helps me all the time."

"I don't care if she helps you, she's not helping me."

Jisung realises his words may have seemed harsh. He isn't sure how to explain to your boyfriend that he cares too much about you to see you get hurt over something this stupid. God it would kill Jisung to ever see you like he saw Minho that one time, bullet wound in his thigh from some rival who found Minho on the street and decided to enact some revenge. He didn't want to see you in pain.

It even angers him that Hyunjin takes you to help out. Jisung wasn't stupid, he knew you helped out when you could because all the Chan, Minho, all the others, they were as much of a friend to you as they were to Jisung. He realised that Hyunjin was utilising you when you briefly mentioned that you were storing some stuff Hyunjin stole until it was time for Woojin to sell it on.

"She's not helping me because I can't risk her," Jisung continues, noticing Hyunjin's questioning stare. He nods in agreement with his own words before he continues. "You know what Chan is like about getting people hurt. I'll... do something wrong like I always do and she will get hurt instead of me, like people always do."

Hyunjin hums. "That's why we all avoid actually going into buildings with you."

"What?"

"Last time someone walked into a store with you, Jeongin almost got kidnapped," Hyunjin states, "don't take it so personally, Han. No one wants to work with Felix because he can't aim, no one wants to work with Changbin because he's blind. No one wants to work with you because you talk too loud. That's why I take turns with each of you."

Hyunjin's self entitlement gives rise to Jisung's anger, but he suppresses it to get back to his point. "Hwang Hyunjin, find me another driver because I'm not working with her on this. Just get me a car and I will drive myself, but she's not helping out."

Jisung could have argued some more, but he's really not in the mood for it. He picks up his bag, leaving Hyunjin to watch him as he stalks out of the kitchen and to the door, calling goodbye to Seungmin and Woojin who were upstairs sorting out some money. He doesn't hear their replies as he shuts the door behind him and walks as quickly as he can to get home before anyone can contact him.

What a fucking dick!

Hyunjin never fails to cause problems for Jisung. Now he can remember exactly when you and Hyunjin started dating. It was after you all finished their last exam and Hyunjin brought a bouquet of red roses to you in front of the entire class, right in the middle of when Jisung was talking to you. Jisung was left to watch, with a fallen expression and defeat in his eyes, Hyunjin profess that he liked you and would like to go out with you. Two weeks later you were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. A year or so later and you’re still together.

For what, Hwang Hyunjin? To get her injured because you can't plan anything?

Jisung lets out his anger on a wheely bin outside a house on his way home, kicking it over and spilling the contents everywhere, which wasn't as bad as the sound alerting everyone in the house that someone was outside.

Jisung stared at the bin with a shocked expression, mumbling to himself that he was stupid. He looked up to the window of the house the bin belonged to, only to be more surprised by an elderly man looking straight at him with the wrath only the eldery can possess. Something that Park Sungjin had tapped into quite well too. As soon he hears shouting, he bolts in the direction of his house and prays no one followed him because all he wanted to do was lock himself in his room, turn all the lights off and scream into his pillow as loud as he could.

❂❂❂

His watch’s vibrating, phone’s ringtone slowly getting louder, wakes Jisung up from the sleep he had forced upon himself when he got home. He had locked his door, buried himself under the covers and ignored everything that occurred in the world around him. Though he’s left in the embrace of slumber, darkness preventing him from properly adjusting to his surroundings, when he reads your name on his phone he shakes his head to bring some life back into him.

“Hello?” Jisung says as he answers the call, voice still groggy. He clears his throat before he carries on. “You okay?”

You hum in response to his question, and it doesn’t take too long for Jisung to realise that you’re not happy. “Hyunjin tells me you want me off of the job next week.”

Jisung breathes out slowly, irritated at the name you mention. He should have realised that Hyunjin wouldn’t have given a proper explanation of the reasons for not wanting you to help out. He twisted it, in a way that only Hyunjin could, into Jisung kicking you out for absolutely no reason. He should have guessed. It was so typical of Hyunjin that this was a replica of when Jisung told Hyunjin not to pick Jeongin as a getaway driver because he didn’t have a license yet (and therefore did not want Jeongin to get into any unnecessary trouble), and Hyunjin told everyone that Jisung thought Jeongin couldn’t drive well.

“It’s not safe,” Jisung tells you, “I don’t want to put you in a situation where you could get hurt.”

“Nothing you do is safe, Jisung! Yet you do it. Why don’t you want me to help? I help Hyunjin out all the time, and Minho and everyone else who needs it. Why do you hate me working with you?”

Jisung is quick to pick up on the hurt in your voice, and he curses himself for not being the one to tell you. He pauses, though realises soon that his silence only made you feel worse. “I don’t hate you working with me, I just--”

“You don’t think I’m good enough to work with you?” you question. He doesn’t answer, unsure of what to say. “You think that if I do work with you, I will mess it up and you will get hurt? You won’t be Han, the one who never gets hurt, if I work with you and get you hurt?”

“It’s not that!”

“Then what is it?”

“I told you, I don’t want you to get hurt.” Jisung tries to be firm but ends up sounding like an asshole. He feels bad at the lack of respect in his sentence, and knows that he can’t convince you otherwise now. “You know that people always try to shoot the drivers? That every time Felix has been the driver he’s had to wear a vest? Did Hyunjin give you a vest? Hmm? He doesn’t think that far ahead and I don’t want you to have to wear a vest! I don’t want you to risk your safety.”

You’re quiet for a moment. Jisung listens for your breathing but he can’t even hear that. He finds himself annoyed at the TV being at such a high volume in the living room and he pulls a face through the wall at Felix for his hearing problems. He’s not sure if you’re even on the phone anymore. He does check, then checks again after a few more moments.

It’s not as if he wants to hurt your feelings. Was his reasoning too harsh? Was it wrong not to want someone you love to get hurt?

“It hurts me, Jisung,” you say, voice catching him off guard. Jisung frowns, running his hands through his hair, scratching near to his crown. “I know you mean well but… Jisung, you risk your life every time you leave the house. I want to make sure you’re okay, too.”

“I don’t need to be protected--”

Jisung can’t finish his sentence. You end the call before he can tell you what he wanted and you leave him staring at his phone screen, wondering how he makes things better. You never hold grudges, but you never forget what happened. If you understood then that was good but he isn’t convinced that you really understand that he would never forgive himself if you got hurt because of something he did.

He throws himself back down in his bed, staring up at the dark ceiling above him. One frustrated sigh and groan later, he has his eyes shut and he’s trying to get some rest while he still can. Things were never easy for him. You was never an easy topic for him.

❂❂❂

The static of the earpiece drives Jisung insane, sometimes. He can barely concentrate as he hears the white noise over and over, crippling him from being able to concentrate on what he was doing. No matter how he much he complained, no one ever gave him a new one and he was starting to think that he would spend his entire career working with an earpiece that barely even produced noise anymore.

Alas, he has to concentrate on what he's doing. This job was stupid enough, poorly planned enough to cause him to lose his unharmed and uncaught streak. His mind turns to the cameras in the corner as he disables the wires under the counter, clipping each of them in the order Hyunjin had told him to. He's honestly not sure if Hyunjin even researched this. Hyunjin could have easily given him random colours and hoped for the best.

Placing what little trust he has left in Hyunjin, Jisung cuts the last wire and looks up to see the red flashing light on the camera fade to darkness. He sighs, knowing that at the very least he was off-camera now. The owners of this store must have been stupid. How could they not point a camera at the door of all places?

He forgets the queries he has and moves towards the computer that unlocks the automated system, the poor excuse for a safe this place has. He cracks his knuckles before typing in everything Hyunjin told him to. However much he bashed Hyunjin before, he had to give him some credit - the recon so far was spot on. Maybe he would be right about the police after all.

It takes a few moments for the system to start running, but at the very least it gives Jisung the opportunity to prepare for what is to come. He knows there isn't much inside the safe, give or take in the mid ten thousands from what Hyunjin says. It's far less than what Chan has taken everyone else to work on. He really has no idea why they have such a tiny job like this when Chan could have used all available hands but... it doesn't matter. Chan is the decision-maker for a reason.

A few clicks here and there, giving remote access to Hyunjin's throwaway laptop elsewhere accompanied by Hyunjin telling Jisung that he thinks that he did a pretty good job organising this, and his time is suddenly set. Hyunjin gives him three minutes from when he presses enter to get into the safe, grab whatever he could, take the hard drive from the computer, then get away from the place as soon as he could.

"Okay, hold on." Jisung can hear Hyunjin typing quickly, and he waits in place by the entrance to the safe ready to move. He adjusts the gloves he's wearing, stretching his fingers as he waits for Hyunjin's command. "I've just got to... These systems are so fucking old. Wait... ah, finally. Time, Jisung."

Jisung pulls open the safe door, not caring for the rattle it makes as it hits the wall from being forced open so quickly. He makes a break for the boxes on the back table, resisting the urge to grab the money in the corner and instead heading for the one thing Woojin always encouraged them to take.

He first of all finds a box with various bits of gold inside, which is thrown straight in his duffle bag and covered within seconds by various other pouches that have different values. He knows it isn't much but carries on piling in the jewellery anyway, not stopping until he's cleared the entire shelf.

Hyunjin gives him a two minute warning, which he's grateful for. He was ahead of time. Jisung grabs the hard drive, not caring for what wires he rips out in the process, and chucks it in the bag too. He zips up the bag, slinging it over his shoulder as he runs for the door and out into the car park that was empty due to it being early morning.

Jisung laughs to himself when he realises that he's made it out, though he's caught off guard by the sound of sirens that sound in the distance. Panic makes his blood run cold when he hears them coming closer to his location. Oh fuck you, Hyunjin. Those systems don't give you that long to get out. Hyunjin was convinced it took two minutes of inactivity to alert the police who would take a minute to arrive in the end.

Jisung runs for the highway at the back of the store like originally planned, checking over his shoulder a few times to see if anyone was following him. He can't see anyone, it's practically a ghost town, but he can see the lights flashing in the windows of other stores. He forces himself to run faster, jumping the fence that blocks him from the highway without any problems that Hyunjin thought there might have been.

The static starts to annoy him, so he pulls the earpiece from his ear and shoves it into his pocket so he can concentrate on what he's doing again. He heads down the grass bank of the highway, looking for a car that Hyunjin had organised to come get him. There's no one parked, there's no one who looks like they were there to pick him up.

Hyunjin was a fucking asshole and didn't organise anyone? He would have done it out of spite. Jisung clenches his jaw as he approaches an intersection and still doesn't see anyone. He's going to kill Hyunjin. He's going to make sure that Hyunjin goes to prison for this, that fucking asshole left him to get caught and didn't even care to tell him?

Jisung could have planned if he knew there wouldn't be a car. He could have found a route to escape any cops on his trail but there was nothing he could recall on a map and he wasn't even sure where the nearest train line was.

Think, Jisung, think.

He's not sure what Chan would do, or Changbin or Felix or anyone. His best bet is stealing a car but anyone could bring up his face in court and he would have been caught. He only has a hat and facemask on. He could still be identified by his eyes and... This is a complete mess!

He stops a few metres from the intersection, looking around for another exit out of here. He can hear the police, they're on the other side of the fence and they'd come looking for someone on this side soon. He could run across the road, but he isn't likely to get that far because it's four am and there are cars still around, trying to get into Seoul before rush hour.

Jisung's mind falters when he realises the situation he's been put in. He pulls the bag from his shoulder, prepared to chuck it and run when he next could. He's so close to doing it, too, but the sound of tyres screeching on the tarmac catches his attention.

He might not have wanted to see your face here, but he's beyond relieved when you look him straight in the eyes and see his panic before he can register your own.

❂❂❂

To say the ride home was uncomfortable would have been the understatement of the year. Well, a good contender with Jisung talking about his feelings for you or anything related to you to anyone but himself. He only looks forward, staring at the road ahead and ignoring the awkward silence between the two of them.

Yes, you both argued a lot. You had personalities that clashed occasionally, both of you were strong willed and loving the thought of being right. Yes, you often sat together and didn’t talk, primarily when you were at school together and studying for exams. But no, before this Jisung had not felt the same atmosphere. He wondered what was going through your head as you gripped the steering wheel tighter and chose to stay silent rather than just tell him what was on your mind.

He occasionally looked over to you, wishing to break the tension with a joke or something stupid like he usually did. That was pretty much impossible, given that he wasn’t sure how mad at him you were in reality. You always had that initial anger that soon boiled over and then you were fine. Given that you didn’t once look in his direction, he would assume that you were still boiling.

But it gives Jisung a chance to think.

The quiet music in the background, likely from their shared spotify that you always hogged, gives him some emotion aside from worry. It’s a new song from an OST, at least that’s what his first guess would be given the drama sounding lyrics and piano playing too. It’s probably the lyrics that make him think, actually.

I’ll be right here. I don’t wanna hide anymore. I love you.

Jisung is convinced that he tuned in at just the right time to hear exactly what he needed to hear. A schoolboy crush on his best friend that turned into an actual crush that he was never able to shake or replace or downright forget about because no matter what he did, no matter what you did, he would always be in love with you.

That’s what hurt the most; you could break his heart over and over, date everyone of his friends, confess your love to a billion other people, and Jisung would never be able to erase your name that was tattooed a million times over his heart.

“I’m sorry,” Jisung tells you, his voice a touch shaky as he sounds over the music. He waits for you to look over to him but you concentrate on the road, only clenching your jaw tighter when you realise he’s looking at her. “You saved my ass from getting caught, and I’m sorry for not wanting you to help out in the first place.”

Your expression softens. You don’t grace him with eye contact but instead answer him as he expected. “I don’t believe that you didn’t want me to go just because you were worried I would get hurt.”

“Why don’t you believe me?” Jisung asks.

“Because it’s stupid, Jisung. Why would it matter to you if I get hurt?” your questions send his mind into overdrive. Was he really that unclear? If Changbin could pick up on his crush then anyone could tell. Maybe you’re blind. Or, you’re ignoring it on purpose. “I get that it causes you problems, but so what if I got shot? Isn’t it more important that you actually have a driver show up here and make sure the police don’t arrest you over, what, four thousand worth of jewellery?”

Jisung glances down to the bag at his feet. Should he just say it? Tell you what’s on his mind and not hide it anymore? He should. Chan would tell him to be honest. Maybe a different situation but in the basic terms, everything is the same. Jisung avoids your eye contact as he decides to tell you. “I don’t want you to get shot for four thousand.”

“What?”

“Four thousand is jack shit,” Jisung tells you. He notices that you’re approaching his street and groans throwing his head back against the seat. “I don’t want you to get shot over four thousand. You’re more important to me.”

You don’t answer him as you pull onto the drive outside Jisung’s home. He can see Felix’s bike so knows it’s best to keep this in the car. He doesn't move, so you don’t either. Instead you question him still. “I get it, yeah, we’re friends. But so is everyone else and you don’t care about them. You didn’t care when Hyunjin got that other girl to drive so it’s not that. What about me is it Jisung?”

“You’re my closest friend and I--”

“Nope.”

“You won’t even let me finish?” Jisung narrows his eyes at you, turning his body to face you. You don’t change your demeanour, so he knows he has to do something. “What do you want me to say?”

You shrug. “Just be honest with me. Like you were when you told me the reason I couldn’t come to your house when we were younger was because you didn’t want your friends to think you hung out with losers like me.”

For the record, Jisung said that because he was scared he would say something about that crush he had and you rejected him, sending him into the depths of hell for the rest of his time at school with you. That, and he wasn’t sure how to kiss someone at the time and wanted to practice in case that should ever come about.

“I’m being honest about it now, it’s nothing to do with the way you act or how good you are at driving or even that I’m worried you will cause me harm and break my title. I don’t care about that, I care that you could get hurt doing something stupid that I set up.”

“Hyunjin set this up, liar.”

“Hyunjin set it up with me.” Jisung pushes his hair back curling his fingers into it as he shuts his eyes and breathes out in frustration. “This was a stupid plan from the start and it should never have gone ahead. It was my fault because I didn’t check the time it takes for police to arrive and I didn’t have a back up plan in place and no matter what you say, you would have gotten hurt if you would have been in on the plan too.”

You shake your head slowly, still unable to accept his words. “I went ahead with the plan and I’m fine, so it wasn’t stupid. I just want a reason, Jisung, it’s not rocket science! Just tell me why you wanted me out?”

“I’m worried about you!”

“But why? Why do you worry so much?”

“Because I like you, okay!” Jisung looks at you with an emotion he can’t describe. His hands are shaking a little, though he’s not sure whether it’s because he’s angry that you don’t believe him, or that he just confessed to you by accident and now you’re staring at him wide eyed. “I like you and I have done for a while and I’m not sure what else I can tell you because I don’t want to see you get hurt over four thousand. So believe me when I tell you that I care about you because I don’t care about anyone more than you.”

You’re both stuck staring at one another for a moment, Jisung’s chest heaving a little whereas you barely even breathe. He didn’t expect it to be like that. He didn’t expect you to be so quiet. He senses the rejection coming before you say a word, so he does what his instincts tell him to do; flee.

Jisung grabs his bag and leaves the car without another word. He doesn’t look back to you, instead going straight inside and throwing the bag of jewellery down by the pile of laundry in the kitchen. He stands in the kitchen for a moment, staring down at the bag with anger running through his veins. He really wasn’t going to risk your safety for any money that was offered to him. Why didn’t you understand that? It was as simple as 1-1=0.

He tries not to think about you as he covers the bag with some of the clothes that are scattered, making sure it was hidden from anyone who came prying. He decides that he would forget as much as he can and direct his anger at either Changbin or Felix for leaving the front door unlocked. His worries for you can wait until he was ready to accept his rejection.

❂❂❂

"Are you nervous, Jisung?"

Felix's question catches the very boy off guard, his body freezing as he turns. Jisung wonders what set off his questioning. He had been sitting still and staring out the window, waiting for Changbin to appear from the building. "Why?"

"Cause you look like you want to leave," Felix tells him, shrugging, "I would think this was your first time on the job, but I know it's not. So I've come to the conclusion that you must be nervous."

"I'm not."

Felix hums in agreement, looking down to his phone. Jisung watches Felix for a while, trying to work out what was going through his mind. He really had no idea how Felix came to the conclusion that he was nervous, but if Felix could notice it then so could anyone. "It's not an issue if you are. I know Changbin is kinda... clumsy sometimes."

"He's not that clumsy and I'm not nervous at all," Jisung states, rolling his eyes. He leans back into his seat as he faces the direction of the building again. "I literally did that job with Hyunjin three days ago. I was the one inside then. I do this so many times I could still get it done with my eyes closed."

"That's the kind of thing that stops your no injury streak."

Jisung only shakes his head. He adjusts his position so he can see clearly inside the building and manages to spot Changbin leant against a bench on the inside as he watches the people inside the store. "It was a figure of speech."

"Can you stop arguing," Changbin's voice sounds through the speaker, "this is the reason we are never told to do anything together."

"He started it," Jisung says, a glare thrown in Felix's direction.

In all truth, they are never put together. Usually the trio are split up to avoid any problems, like an argument that started over Felix saying something stupid that Jisung took seriously and Changbin joined in on. Hyunjin liked to refer to them as dumb, dumber, and dumbest, which was a bit unfair to the three of them.

Of course, Felix and Jisung always forced the ‘dumbest’ nickname onto Changbin which was usually disputed by Chan who said that Changbin, despite his general lack of common sense, was pretty good as threatening people due to his nature. Changbin had kept a thing or two from his emo stage and was now one of the biggest earners out of all of them. Not that anyone actually went off physical earnings. Poor Woojin wouldn’t have been very good if they went off that.

Yet still, Chan had asked the three of them to get together and plan a heist on a small bank in town. Well, their heist was a distraction. Chan was a bit of a genius and managed to take a portion of one of Jeongin’s favourite video games and apply it to real life, despite everything against their odds and most police officers fully prepared to stop any kind of attack like this.

Yes, it was the big one from GTA V. No, it wouldn’t result in over thirty million in profit.

But it would mean that they could have a small break from doing smaller jobs elsewhere, which everyone apart from Jisung was looking forward to.

He had smothered himself in work, making sure that every moment of every day he was doing something so that preoccupied him from thinking about, well, that. The whole I like you situation with you that he avoided every day he could. He would leave rooms if your name was mentioned and pretend to call someone if he was asked a question about you.

You and everything related to you was not something he needed right now.

"It doesn't matter who started it," Changbin tells them. Jisung watches as the eldest adjusts his cap and shifts in his seat so that he is sitting sideways. "Seungmin just text me. He said that his dad is in the hospital."

"Oh, damn, really? What happened?"

Jisung rolls his eyes - Felix's attention had gone elsewhere for the moment since he was scrolling through Instagram. "It means they're ready, you fucking idiot."

"Shit, yeah," Felix replies. He pulls up his face mask and grabs the beanie that was kept in the car glove compartment. "We're ready, too."

There's a moment without contact as Felix tucks his light strands of hair under the hat and Jisung starts up the car. Changbin coughs a few times before he gives the code that Chan is ready as well, in the main part of town they were looking to hit.

Seungmin, Jeongin and Dowoon (since he was always happy to help them out where needed) were at family named bank on the West side of the police district. Changbin, Felix and Jisung had taken the Southeast, and Chan, Hyunjin and Minho were hitting the national bank in the Northeast.

Jeongin and Seungmin were to play fake robbery until the police were called. Woojin was waiting with an inside man to give Changbin and Felix the go-ahead to hit the store at the same time, where a son of a police chief was working. Once the police chief left the precinct (since he had done it each time there was a disturbance at his son's place of work) then Chan would be on his way to getting the cash for the job that Younghyun and Jae had been pestering him about for a while.

They had high expectations but it was self-inflicted. Chan had been trained by Younghyun, Jae, Sungjin, Wonpil, even Dowoon, to be a hybrid mastermind in this field.

So they planned out a heist that was going well so far but only took one misstep to go wrong.

"Police car one has left," Felix says, reading out the test received from Woojin. He throws his phone at Jisung and leaves the car, black jacket covering most of his small frame so he appeared to be a touch scarier. Felix disappears into the store and Jisung stays put, turning up the stereo a little louder so he could have some music in the background.

It was a shame that he was the driver this time. It gave him more nerves than being on the inside because he knew when the second a police car was here, he was responsible for them getting away from here safely. Where does that take his mind? Straight back to you. How you must have felt with him being the one inside. How you must have debated every outcome whilst driving to meet him and how shit scared you must have been for his safety.

Like he was. Except, you didn't believe him. Or you did, you just didn't want to accept it.

Jisung hears Felix's voice through Changbin's mic, the youngest shouting for everyone to stay put. He watches Changbin lock the door, guarding it so that no one else can leave. He looks across the store with a typical Changbin stare, nodding at the chief's son for Felix to target. Which Felix does, and just like planned, the son pulls the distress button under the counter and Woojin's alerting them that the chief is on his way.

It does go well, better than they could have planned on it going given that they were just scapegoats for the main attraction. Jisung forgets anything else on his mind and loses the police cars with an unharmed Changbin and Felix in the back. The car is ditched across town and they are on the bus home, letting old ladies take their seats within twenty minutes.

Jisung celebrates well knowing that Chan would likely have more control than before since he had earned the trust of Jae and Younghyun. Though when he goes to bed that night he hugs his pillow to sleep because the only thing on his mind is what you would have done differently, and if you cared that he was out there risking his safety.

Or if you just thought about Hyunjin that way. Which was, by all means, more probable.

❂❂❂

The inevitability of problems between everyone had hit Jisung a little sooner than he expected. His idea was that it would take a few weeks of Jisung having no one to vent to before he turned it all onto Changbin and Felix, who in turn would start on Minho and Seungmin, who then dragged Jeongin into it, who would tell Woojin and Chan about the problems that originated with Jisung.

Fortunately for Jisung, the inevitable ass-kicking from Chan that he predicted was unlikely to come. Whilst he did start on Changbin and Felix, neither of them had reciprocated his feelings and instead took his attitude as a result of him not talking to you for a while. They knew all too well. But they were also likely told by Hyunjin when he saw them and wanted to bitch about Jisung, since he couldn't do it to you.

Except, as he learnt from Minho, it was unlikely Hyunjin did any of the bitching.

"He's being a dick," Minho says, sitting down next to Jisung in front of the TV. Chan is sitting across from them on his laptop, headphones on but slightly offset so he can listen to their conversation. Jeongin is watching the TV from the table behind them, and Seungmin has a map of Ansan spread out on the floor between them all. "How am I supposed to live with him for the next few years? I would rather live on the streets. Can I sleep in your room, please?"

Jisung half-heartedly hums. "He can't be that bad. But sure, you're staying on my floor though."

"I don't care, anything to be away from Hyunjin. You know what he said to me this morning? He got mad at me for leaving dishes in the sink from breakfast whilst I got ready. I was letting them soak! He didn't even get mad for Woojin hyung doing the same thing. Just me!"

"You never wash them up, though," Jeongin comments from behind them. It earns a slight laugh from Chan, who nods in agreement.

Minho pouts. "I was going to. He is just... everything is setting him off! Literally, anything. I played music a bit too loud yesterday and he screamed at me. It's because of (Y/N), I bet you anything."

"What did she do?" Seungmin asks, looking up from the map. Jisung tries to act disinterested by following the lines that Seungmin draws over the map, following it from building to building. "I thought they were planning a holiday together, last time I checked?"

Jisung looks up when Seungmin mentions a holiday, his eyes wide. You didn't tell him that. Not that you both were exactly on speaking terms. Mostly because of him. Jisung couldn't face you and made that clear each time he declined your calls and ignored your texts. You were starting to realise now. He realises his cover has been blown when Chan gives him the look on intrigue, knowing that Jisung was very much still wishing to be your boyfriend. Jisung regrets ever admitting that to Chan when he was drunk. He shakes his head at Chan and turns back to Minho.

"I haven't seen her since... well, I don't even know. It was around the time that Hyunjin and Felix broke into that pharmacy. You remember?"

"That was two weeks ago," Chan tells them, surprised, "you haven't seen her since that?"

Minho shakes his head. "I don't know what's happened but I usually see her every other day, or say hi to her when she picks up Hyunjin. I don't even see her around anymore. I'm pretty sure they argued and he's taking it out on everyone else."

"Do you know anything about it?"

Seungmin directs his question to Jisung, who doesn't realise for a moment. The moment of silence is enough to make the other suspicious of his relationship with you, too. "Uh, no... No, I don't know anything."

"Are you sure?" Minho asks. He narrows his eyes at Jisung and cocks his head to the side. "I haven't seen you with her either. Are you both okay?"

"How would you know, you don't live with me."

Chan continues his mean streak by stirring a pot that Jisung was trying to empty. "Felix said you haven't seen her, either. Asked me about it a few days ago."

"I've been doing a lot of jobs," Jisung tells them, making sure to catch everyone's eyes at least once. He stops on Minho with a pleading look to let it go. "I thought it was best to stay on the down low and not get anyone else involved."

Jisung's look seems to win some of Minho's heart, the elder always giving into Jisung. They were all convinced that Minho had a soft spot for Jisung, like Chan did for Jeongin and Changbin for Felix. Minho and Jisung had bonded from all the time they spent together scoping out buildings and timing police cars. Jisung would always go to Minho, too, if he couldn't talk to you.

He ignores Jeongin mention that he's worried that something happened to noona, and proceeds to ignore Seungmin when he mentions that you should just break up with Hyunjin whilst you had the opportunity to so that you could date someone who wasn't such an asshole. Jisung finds some solace in his phone, though locks it again when he sees he has 15 unopened messages from you over the past two and a bit weeks.

He bites his tongue as he stares point-blank at the TV. He feels bad, sure. He wants to message you but as soon as he does the reality of Jisung, you and I can't ever been like that will replace all the good memories he has of you like my Jisungie. He's not prepared for that. Jisung is sensitive and needs to prepare for something like that to happen to him or he may just lock himself in his room and never leave again.

That seems closer than before, especially when Seungmin bursts a bubble he's been protecting from everyone else this entire time. "Didn't you kick her off a job?"

"Did you?" Minho asks, jumping back onto the conversation. Jisung realises that they all catch onto the real situation when Chan takes off his headphones and turns his attention fully to the conversation. Fuck you, Seungmin. Hyunjin obviously mentioned it to others, too. "What did she do?"

Jisung frowns. "Nothing, she didn't do... I told Hyunjin I didn't want her to work with me because I was worried about her getting hurt."

"Yikes," Chan states, "you said that to Hyunjin?"

"And to (Y/N)."

"Doesn't make it any better," Minho tells him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"It sounds like you kicked noona off because you didn't want to work with her because she wasn't good enough." Jeongin confirms that Jisung really was the worst friend to exist. He puts down the pen he's using and gives Jisung a sympathetic smile. "Like... you know she's not going to get hurt as a driver. Why would you be so worried for her safety as a driver? Unless you did plan on taking her inside with you."

Jisung shakes his head, looking back to the TV. All the eyes in the room are on him and he hates it for the first time in a while. "I was genuinely worried she would get hurt. I don't want her to get hurt. What's so wrong with that?"

"You sound like her boyfriend," Seungmin comments.

"You sound like you want to be her boyfriend by showing you care about her more than Hyunjin does," Minho adds, "why don't you treat any of us like that? When have you ever cared for the safety of anyone other than yourself?"

Jisung rolls his eyes at Minho. "Hyunjin barely paid attention to details and the whole job was a sham. I was lucky to get out of there."

"You only got out of there because she showed up anyway."

"And I'm grateful for that." Jisung narrows his eyes at Chan for such a statement. What was he implying? Probably he was implying that nothing went wrong so Jisung was worrying over nothing. Ah! This is all Chan's fault anyway. If Jisung didn't listen to Chan when he said to always be honest, this wouldn't be a problem. "Why does no one believe me when I say I was genuinely concerned about her welfare and wanted to make sure that she was okay? I can have feelings, I didn't want to see her get hurt or get arrested or have anything happen over barely any money. Why is that so hard to accept?"

His question is pretty obvious, but everyone is quiet for a moment. Jisung looks around the room to see if anyone is brave enough to actually tell him the reason that he already knows all too well. He thinks he's got away with it, that he will be able to sit at home and play Call of Duty with Changbin (so he can take his anger out, obviously) until Felix kicks them out because he has something to watch.

Jeongin, still learning when it was appropriate to give his very opinionated view of things, is the one that catches him red-handed. "I guess it's weird because noona is dating Hyunjin hyung, not you."

❂❂❂

Jisung has never bolted out of his room quicker than he did that morning. One text, along the lines of Jisung, I need you to stop being your usual self and carry on being caring and he was straight off his bed, the quest on Fallout 4 forgotten, as he found a pair of shoes and jacket to get him where he needed to go.

He even ignores both Changbin in the cloakroom and Felix by the front door when they question his behaviour. Jisung never usually cared that much about anything to run for it, even if it was a few thousand dollars. The look Felix and Changbin give each other, one of confusion and also curiosity, is more than enough for the pair to realise that whatever Jisung is running for, it's far more valuable to him than anything else had ever been.

He almost gets hit by a few cars on the way there, since he wasn't waiting on traffic lights and decided to just run across the street anyway. He realised that it was easier to explain a trip to the hospital… though that thought process is forgotten when he realises that you would probably have been mad at him for getting hurt on the way. Not that he thinks it is actually possible for him to get hurt. As always, danger evades him.

Though he shows up a few minutes late since someone did get out their car and started shouting at him. This old guy who didn’t know shit about the world and thought it was okay to talk to kids like he did. Jisung started arguing back with the guy, running along some lines of how disrespectful the man was being considering that the young kids were clearing up his mess, until he heard sirens and was reminded that it was almost a certainty that you would be mad at him for getting arrested.

He bangs a few times on your door, loudly at that, as he catches his breath back and leans on the brick wall beside the door. His breathing begins to steady a little as the door is opened and you stand behind it. He looks up from the ground, eyes widening when he sees you with blue tinges under your eyes, pale lips, and pyjamas still on. “Yo, dude, you--”

“I don’t need a lecture from you, Jisung,” you interrupt him. You stand back from the door to make room for him. “Can you come in? I really don’t want to be seen outside right now.”

“Are you okay?” Jisung asks, following your instructions and stepping inside. He stops beside you for a moment and notices how your eyes are glassy in the reflection of the light, so he changes the way he wanted to approach you. “Do you need anything?”

You shrug. “I guess I need you to help me with this mission because I’m stuck, and I can’t play very well.”

“What mission?”

“That one where you have to kill John Seed when he’s flying about,” you tell him. You sigh, leaning back against the wall and looking to Jisung with eyes that are thinking about more than just Far Cry 5. He finds himself worrying a bit too much about you. “It’s harder than I thought and I guess that… I’m not as good as you are at aiming and… uh, yeah. Can I watch you play?”

Jisung rolls his eyes dramatically at you, though heads towards your bedroom without you needing to ask again. “You called me all the way here to finish Far Cry for you, just so you can get the glory of completing it?”

“No,” you answer, your quiet voice somewhere behind him.

“It seems that way,” Jisung tells you. He pushes your door open and sits on your bed, right in the middle, without taking his shoes off. You don’t mention it, instead sitting next to him without any emotion on your face. Jisung swallows hard. “Your room is messy. What happened to you always wanting it clean in here?”

You hum. “I know it is.”

“Yah!” Jisung narrows his eyes at you, though you don’t react. You just watch him with an indescribable look on your face. There’s emotion now, but Jisung hasn’t exactly seen it before. “Why are you giving me half assed answers? Why are you treating me like you’re not my best friend? Tell me what happened or I’m leaving.”

“Please don’t leave, Jisung.”

His entire face falters at your soft words. It touches his heart and hits it right where it hurts him. It’s the first time in the past few weeks that Jisung feels bad for ignoring all of your calls and acting like you didn’t matter to him. He sighs, looking away from you briefly, and over to your room which he realises isn’t just untidy. There’s things thrown around, a picture frame smashed on the floor. Oh.

“Hyunjin broke up with me,” you tell him. Jisung looks back within milliseconds, eyes wide at your words. He feels numb for a moment. “I don’t want to be alone, Jisung. That’s why I wanted you to be here.”

Jisung had waited for you to tell him that you and Hyunjin broke up. He had spent days thinking about how he would react to when you finally broke up with Hyunjin, it consumed him sometimes because he longed to find out that there was no you and Hyunjin anymore. He would have given anything to hear that, though now he had seen the consequences of that happening he didn’t want it anymore.

He wanted you to be happy, though his own selfish desire for you to not have anyone but him… that was something he never managed to control. He only stares at you with wide eyes, unsure of how to help you. What was he supposed to say? That he was glad they broke up? That he can make things better for her?

He expects you to be mad at him for not answering, though that suspicion is gone when a single tear drops from your right eye. You try to cover it up by rubbing your eyes with the back of your hand, but by the time you drop your hands, you’re crying even more. “He told me… He told me that I…”

“It’s okay,” Jisung says, pulling you into his arms. He holds you tight against him, rubbing his hand up and down your back as you start to cry some more. A few seconds pass of Jisung trying his best to comfort you in the best way he knows. Your crying seems to have subsided, though when you pull back he realises you were probably crying before he got here, too. He offers a smile. “I’ll stay here tonight and I’ll get us pizza.”

“You’re broke, Jisung,” you answer, finding it in you to chuckle at his statement.

Jisung shakes his head. “Changbin gave me back the twenty he owed me. I’m practically rich at this point. Let me buy you pizza so you stop being sad.”

“I don’t need pizza to stop me being sad.”

“What do you need then?” Jisung questions, cocking his head to the side.

“Kill John Seed for me,” you tell him, gesturing towards the controller that was on the bed. Jisung doesn’t fight with you about it, picking up the controller as he gets himself comfortable, kicking his shoes off and then leaning back against the headboard. He waits for you to do the same - you sit beside him and pulls your covers over the both of you, leaning into Jisung. “Thank you for coming here, Jisung.”

He shakes his head, looking down at you. He moves his arm so it falls around your shoulders but moves it when you look to his hand. He stumbles over some words to say at first. “It’s nothing. I wanted to come here.”

“If you say so,” you answer, brow raised, “we’ll just completely forget that you’ve been ignoring me for the past few weeks.”

“I wasn’t,” Jisung defends, sitting up straighter, mind running through a plan of defence for him.

You hum, turning back to the screen. “Mm-hmm. It’s not as if we haven’t spoken, haven’t seen each other, I had to text Felix to make sure you were okay…”

“You text Felix about me?”

“You could have died.” You look away from Jisung but push yourself further into his chest, leaning into him and placing your head on his shoulder. He takes one long breath, filling his senses with the scent of jasmine incense, and the scented conditioner you always used. His eyes close for a moment, nostalgia embracing him with open arms. “How else would I have known that your funeral wasn’t going to be in a few days time?”

Jisung laughs at your words, unpausing the game and picking up from where you left it. “I’m Han. I don’t get hurt.”

❂❂❂

There was this post that Jisung read when he was about sixteen online, one he never believed to be true. That was mostly because Jisung was a heavy sleeper and usually would fall asleep within ten or so minutes of turning a light off, but also because he’s never actually slept next to someone he loves.

It was an engagement posts from two social media influences, one of them saying how he didn’t have a good night sleep until he finally got to lay next to his fiancée and sleep with her in his arms. Jisung had blown it off as mushy when he was younger and went back to trying to be a cool guy with no emotions, so he never thought about it again.

Not until he woke up in the morning, trying to adjust his eyes to the light of a room he hadn't stayed in for a long time, and looked down to see another body beside him, head resting on the bridge between his chest and shoulder. He's not sure if you fell asleep like that, or if you knowingly put yourself there, but he's reminded of one thing.

She's so peaceful when she sleeps, she put me at ease too. She reminded me of everything that I loved and everything I was grateful for. She helped me to remember that my dreams aren't always impossible to reach.

He doesn't want to move and is grateful that he hasn't woke up with anything that requires him to. He stares down to you, looking over your features with care. No wonder Hyunjin was dating you when he was waking up to this every morning. Jisung would pay to have this again. It is like you calm him down, you makes him forget every worry because the one thing that matters in time is you.

A wave of bravery hits him, unexpected bravery at best, and sends his hand to play with your hair. He brushes around a little, then runs his fingers through the ends. When he feels you move a little, he yanks his hand away with the heavy feeling in his chest of being caught directly in the act. Well, you were single now. But it was still a boundary that he didn't know whether he could cross. He probably shouldn't.

His heart rate calms down a little when all you do is turn your head a little, nuzzling closer to Jisung's chest. He feels your arm squeeze him a little tighter and his eyes widen. Were you cuddling him? He lifts the covers to check and is surprised that he missed your entire arm around him. He stares at it for a moment, thoughts rushing through his mind until he realises that damn, you’re the one cuddling him. Not the other way around. He wasn't doing anything wrong!

His fingers return to your hair, feeling how soft it is against his fingers. When he sees that you’re still not moving, he brings his fingers to your face and pushes the hair from around your eyes, watching you closely as he does so. He smiles to himself when all the hair is clear, pushed back so he has a better view. Yah, did you know how pretty you are? How every time I look at you it's like looking at one of those stars you and Changbin always talk about? The brightest thing in my life, that's what you are.

Jisung places his hand back down, lightly resting it above your figure, the covers stopping him from actually touching you. His head goes straight back down on the pillow so that he's staring straight up at the ceiling, connecting the dots that are left behind from the ceiling design. This was all a big game of connecting the dots for him. For both of you, actually.

Every moment of you being together, every moment you spent with Hyunjin, every time that something took you both apart and brought you back together; they were all leading to an ending that Jisung would have given anything to know. Between the disappearing stars, each night laid a path on a road that Jisung didn't know the end to. He hoped it would be with you, that you were the star he would find at the end.

You whimper slightly, a sound Jisung did not expect to hear. He looks down to you as you bury your head in his chest, stretching out your limbs. Jisung panics and decides that it's better to be the one asleep, so lays his head back down and turns it slightly to the side, opening his mouth ever so slightly to mimic sleeping in the best way he can.

"Jisung?" you mumble softly. He can feel your hands lightly touch his chest, weight lifting from ever so slightly. "Oh--"

He feels you retract your hand suddenly as you jump off the bed before your feet carry you off into another room. He can't contain the smile on his lips at how cute it was. You were nervous about him? Oh, how have the tables turned! He bites down on his bottom lip to stop himself from smiling anymore, continuing his facade that he was still sleeping.

He wished he would have seen you nervous, but he has to forget it when he hears your footsteps enter the room again. You’re still for a moment - Jisung would like to think you were looking over his body and wondering how such a cute guy got into your bed and how you were so lucky to have him instead of Hyunjin, but he won't push his luck. Instead, he waits for you to wake him like you used to when he would stay over and sleep on the floor.

"Jisung," you call gently, fingertips pressing at his shoulder. He has to make it believable, so uses all the times that you told him you had to call him at least twice before he woke up to his advantage. Your prodding gets more intense as you call again. "Han Jisung."

He fakes groaning, bringing his hands to his eyes to block out the light. After rubbing a few times, he removes his right hand to look at you. You have a jumper on now, hair tied back and face shiny from whatever morning cream you used. He mocks you with a sour tone calling out your full name, too.

"Get your ass out of my bed," you say, pulling at the black tee he was wearing.

He closes both of his eyes, hands falling to his side as he lets his body become a deadweight in the bed so you can't move him even a little. He can't help but smile when he remembers what you called him before. He would make you say it again. "Be nice to me and I will move."

"You're the worst, Jisung."

"Do you want me to move?" Jisung repeats, opening one eye to see you. You still look tired. If the two of your were dating, and that is a very important if, then he would have grabbed your hand and pulled you to lay beside him again so they could both sleep some more. He takes note of how cute you are when you’re grumpy. "Aegyo time."

You scoff, shaking your head. "Aegyo?"

"I can't hear anything cute. I'm staying put."

"Yah, Han Jisung, I will make you wish you were dead.” You narrow your eyes at Jisung, making him laugh in response. So that was where Hyunjin got that line from. He waits until you give him what he wanted, and he thinks it was worth it. It made him want to work harder to make you love him. "Jisungie, please get out of my bed. Please do it. For me?"

Jisung huffs at your request, shaking his head. "It's comfortable, but carry on and I might consider."

"Do you want to die?" you ask, narrowing her eyes at him. Jisung doesn't answer. He wonders if you will leave him alone but your inability to give into anyone means that you grab your phone and find a video of Jisung when they were younger doing the gwiyomi song as part of a dare. You show it to him and his eyes widen. "Get out of my bed Han Jisung or I will share this with everyone on my contacts list and everyone will know Han the indestructible anymore!"

Luckily Jisung knows when to stop when it comes to you. He also knows that things between you both are just fine, or you wouldn't have brought that damn video up.

❂❂❂

There’s a hint of winter that blows in the wind, signalling the start of the season Jisung has found he loves, but equally hates. It was dark early, the weather was always terrible, and somehow he was always reminded of the times that he would walk home with you and end up at your house with your family cooking him some food and saying that he must be such a great son.

“Everyone know what they’re doing?” Chan asks, directing his question mostly towards Jisung and Jeongin. The pair both nod in agreement, ready to follow him where they needed to go. “Don’t do anything that we haven’t prepared for. Any problems, Jae is on the number he gave out a few weeks ago. Call him and he will sort something out.”

Jisung’s worries for what might happen have started to disappear, meaning that he no longer needed to wait ten minutes to calm his mind and put everything aside.  

It wasn't as if he was scared for a specific reason. He was more worried because when something goes good in his life, something bad usually follows. He has a crush and one of his friends date them. He starts to really think he is indestructible and he suddenly will be able to get hit. He tells you he likes you and they don't talk for a while.

That was... self-inflicted though, he will admit.

Chan shuts the doors to the van and it drives away with the lights on. He supposes he is also nervous because he is yet to do a job with Chan himself, and with Jeongin too. The trio is a new one which Sungjin had suggested since he felt Jisung could teach Jeongin a thing or two. Jisung wouldn't complain, he knew the pair had his own back. He just didn't know how they acted, which may have been a problem.

He follows closely as Chan leads them into the building, abandoned from what Minho could tell, apart from the few dealers and occasional businessmen that used the place for whatever they needed. Chan was here for something more than money, some personal things between Younghyun and another group that was a little more... business than they were.

On the streets, or more specifically when all those leaders come together, they called Chan and the others the Stray Kids for whatever reason, likely because they were all a bunch of talented kids that Chan had pulled in from the street. Chan didn't mention much more than the group being called The Clan, they operated out of somewhere in the south - maybe Gwangju.

Chan never involved any of them in those matters, until he needed Jeongin to steal some information from a hard drive and needed Jisung to keep lookout.

They make their way through the building, ending up in one of the dark corridors that leads down to a meeting room. Chan mumbles to them both about something happening in there with Younghyun's girlfriend, that The Clan kidnapped her maybe, and that was the reason they were there. To find her from the pictures they took. Jeongin had suggested they left a digital trail and Younghyun was desperate to find someone. He would take whatever chances he could get.

"Jisung, stay here," Chan tells him, stopping Jisung by the doorway to a small room that looks like it is filled with a variety of controls. Chan shoves a gun into his hand but places a hand on his shoulder before Jisung can register it. "I don't want that used unless absolutely necessary. You see someone, you tell us, we run. Only you're down and you need it."

Jisung nods, unsure of what else he can do. He looks over the weapon for a moment before tucking it into the waistband of his jeans and taking his post on the of the doorway. He feels exposed, given that the entire room is empty and he's the only one in it. He can hear Jeongin tapping away and Chan taking some pictures, though other than that it's silent.

Dead silent. There's nothing between him and the heart pounding in his chest because holy shit he's got a gun and Chan trusts him enough to give it to him. He's worried, but he's thankful, but he's also unsure when they became that kind of group. They just did robberies. Made some money on the side. Whatever, he shouldn't think of it.

"Everything okay?" Chan calls.

Jisung turns, seeing Chan poke his head up from the box he was sifting through. He nods, offering the best of smiles that he could given the circumstances. "It's just cold."

"Pussy," Jeongin says, pulling a face at Jisung, "this is why Felix always complains about being on jobs with you."

"I'm just cold. The ceiling is cracked and there's rain coming through here."

"Bit of a pussy," Chan agrees, finding some humour in his words. He pulls some papers from the box and slides them inside the backpack he had been wearing. "Don't worry, Jisung, Changbin usually tells me good things. Says you're entertainment when it's boring."

Jeongin groans, pressing enter on the keyboard a few times. "How can that help us, hyung."

"It will be pretty entertaining when someone kidnaps our dumb asses and we all have to share the same little cell. I'll make sure you have a wonderful time." Jisung turns back to the front and checks the room for any movement. Fortunately, there's nothing but some night birds and the rain. "Why are we doing Younghyun's dirty work? He could do this himself."

Chan doesn't argue. "The three of us were free."

"Doesn't mean we should do it." Jeongin agrees with Jisung, though strikes out some luck with the computer and the point Jisung was trying to make was completely lost. "Okay, what am I looking for?"

There's a moment of pause as Chan looks up to the computer. "Anything of a girl, I guess. Take as much information as you can from pictures, find out who last used this thing and when, anything we can give to help out."

Jeongin sets out working on what he wanted, Chan still shuffling through a variety of papers to get what he wanted, too. Jisung finds it boring on door duty but can't imagine there is anything else he can do. He starts to aimless gaze into blank space with thoughts about anything, everything, you and Hyunjin, but a blinking red light catches his thoughts. He stares at it for a moment, confused as to what it might be given that it was the entire way across the room and he could barely see it.

He steps forward, then again, trying to make it out. He definitely had Chan's attention who is close behind him within a few moments and the pair are walking towards the mysterious looking light with Jeongin unphased. Chan stops Jisung by grabbing his lower arm, stopping the younger from moving forward any further.

"Did you see any others?" Chan asks, pulling Jisung back with him.

"No," Jisung tells him, "I didn't even see that one until a second ago. I didn't know it was there."

Chan hums, returning to the room and leaving Jisung at the door. "Can you go any quicker Jeongin?"

"I mean, no. But if you need me to, I can just download a copy of the hard drive and go through it later?"

"Do that," Chan instructs. He kicks the box back under the desk and slings the bag over his back. "If there are cameras, people already know we're here."

Jisung's eyes widen a little. He looks to the door they came in with worry in his heart, again. "You think?"

"It's likely."

Jisung ignores Chan's realism and instead roots for some positivity, chewing the inside of his cheeks as he rests his hand gently on the gun he has tucked away. "I mean, we would probably know they were here too. The floors aren't exactly quiet."

"Let's just get what we need and leave," Chan states, returning to the room, presumably to rush Jeongin as much as he could. Jisung can hear the youngest complaining that he can't make it go any quicker and that it would take another three minutes at least, which Chan isn't so happy with. He comes back to Jisung and his breathing is heavy. "You think you're okay checking down the corridor?"

"Do I have a choice?"

Chan shrugs gently. "You can tell me no and I'll go."

"No, it's fine," Jisung answers, finding some bravery left in him. He fakes a smile that Chan most likely sees straight through, slowly edging towards the exit to the corridor. "I guess I'll shout if there is a problem. If you hear nothing, then I'm fine, or dead."

"Don't say that. It's bad luck."

Jisung rolls his eyes at Chan's statement as he leaves the room and goes into the corridor. He doesn't stop to check first, just walking out into the empty space and looking around with wide eyes. He can't see anything. There's nothing to suggest that he's not alone. It's worse out here than it is in that big room because there's only one way in and another way out. Jisung decides a short walk will be better for him to be less concerned about what waits for them on the otherwise.

Three minutes must be up by now, Jeongin.

Jisung is the least bit sure of how long it has actually been since Jeongin gave a time estimate. In all honesty, Jisung was kind of worried that they had been caught and someone would come for them who actually knew how to use a gun. His suspicions were mostly coined by the fact he was picking up on every noise and convincing himself it was a person elsewhere coming straight for him.

He can hear Jeongin and Chan making some noises so returns to the room, taking the bag from Chan as soon as he returns. He swaps it for the gun, and he feels relieved when Chan takes it back and it's no longer something he has to carry the burden of. He instead has the information, and he knew that wouldn't hurt anyone in his hands.

They make it as far as the other side the hall when a door on another level is kicked open. Chan freezes as he checks the other two are okay before trying to listen for what it could be. When the sound of boots hitting the floor echo through the darkness, he knows it is very much time to leave.

He pulls the two youngers with him, heading for the nearest window that they could get out of. Luckily they were only on the first floor so could have quite easily made it down, providing that they found somewhere that had an already smashed window so that they didn't draw too much attention to themselves.

Chan leads them down another hallway until he sees an open window that leads down onto the roof of a ground floor attachment. He sends Jeongin out the window first, then Jisung, before leaving himself and following them as they ran towards the end of the roof so that they could make their escape. Jisung assumed that Chan had called for Yugyeom to pick them up. He wasn't going to hang around for anyone if not.

And Jisung really thinks that he's in the clear.

He can see the lights of the van they came in heading down the deserted back street this building was off of. Jeongin is calling for them to follow him, as he could see a ladder that went down into an alley off the road. Like the originally planned, the three would jump in the van and they would just go from there, forget anything else they needed should they drop it.

Jisung reaches the ladder after Chan, who gestures for Jisung to follow him as quickly as he can. Jisung's feet are on the ladder and he's about to step down when he meets the eyes of a man in a suit stood in the window they just left out of. Before he has any time to react he feels a burning streak across his arm that catches him off guard. He clenches his teeth as the bullet grazes him, though somewhere within him he doesn't actually cry out in pain like he did want to.

He waits until Chan has pulled him back to the van to do that.

❂❂❂

“Jisung,” you say, surprise flooding your senses at the boy standing on your doorstep. His eyes are wide and the rain that seems to be getting heavier by the minute keeps pouring down on him. His hair is soaked and set down onto his forehead, clothes no better. “Did you not get a ride here?”

Jisung shakes his head, though he mostly ignored the concern in your voice. “I need to tell you something.”

“Do you want to come in and tell me?” you ask him.

“No,” Jisung tells you. He runs his fingers through his hair to push it back and stop the rain water from dripping down his face, though ignores the confused look that you give him.  “I need to tell you, now.”

You would never have won when Jisung was in the mood to bring up his persistent side, like he always did when you both were younger. You debate whether you should argue, though the look in Jisung’s eyes is more than you expected from him. It was serious, you knew the very least.

“Do you remember Minho’s party when we were, like, sixteen?” Jisung questions, expectant for a nod from you. You do exactly that, a few of the images you remember from the night coming back into your mind. “That asshole kid, uh… Kang Daehi. You know, long black hair, shorter than Changbin, used to walk around like he knew everything?”

You nod once more. “I remember Daehi. What about him?”

“He dared me to kiss you during spin the bottle.”

Jisung reminds you of the memory that you pushed to the furthest part of your mind, mostly because you remember drinking at the party and barely remembered anything other than Jisung acting super nervous around you. Actually, now that he mentioned it, you vaguely recall thinking that he was not a good kisser at all.

“I hated that kid for everything that he-- it doesn’t matter, but I told you after I kissed you that I liked you, but you didn’t hear me so I never brought it up again. I liked you since way before then! Since you got sat next to me and put up with me annoying you each class. But you never heard me! You never even noticed. You just started dating Hyunjin as soon as he showed any interest in you even though I spent all my life just trying to make you notice me!”

Jisung isn’t angry; he’s more than just angry. The way that he looks at you is one of confusion, longing, but most of all, he’s hurt. You can’t think of a time you would have noticed that he treated you differently. That he showed any interest in liking you. Or, for that matter, anyone. Jisung kept his emotions to himself unless he was shouting about them.

You only watch him with concern. Jisung could scream and shout all he wanted at you, his optimism is as low as it has ever been. He expects you to tell him to leave you, so you both wouldn’t talk like before and he would have to disregard every trace of you in his life. But you don’t shoot him down like he expected. “I don’t think this is a conversation we should have out here, Jisung.”

He doesn’t wait for you to formally invite him in, instead pushing past you into the hall as soon as you step back to the door. You mumble to yourself how rude he is sometimes, though shut the door without bringing it up anymore. You turn back to him, after making sure the door was locked, expectant to hear him tell you this oh so important news.

“Is that all that you have to say?” you question, raising your brows. You cross your arms over your chest as you wait for Jisung to remove his coat. Oh, so now he had manners. You roll your eyes as he takes his time, though your stance changes when you notice the wound that goes straight across his upper right arm. “Yah, Jisung, what happened to your arm?”

Jisung ignores you for a moment, looking back to the wound and groaning. “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m Han,” Jisung tells you, “I’m not meant to be the one who gets hurt. Just… it’s nothing. I got hit at the last job. That’s why I’m here.”

You hum, stepping forward until you’re beside Jisung. You gently place the tips of your fingers on the area around the wound, being careful not to actually touch the wound itself. “I’m no doctor, but it looks okay. Why do I need to see it?”

“Don’t touch it, it hurts,” Jisung says, pushing you from him. He pulls his arm away and places his hand over the wound to make sure you can’t come back to it. He looks to you with annoyance, eyes slightly narrowed as he stares you down. “Yah, you’re so stupid sometimes! I’m not here to ask you to check my wound. I got hurt! I don’t get hurt. It made me… It made me think about the future and realise that I’m not invincible and one day I might get hurt for real! What will I do then? Die knowing that I never told you everything I felt? I could die!”

“Don’t talk about you dying,” you tell him, turning away to go into the living room.

Jisung follows close behind, stopping at the door with both of his hands on either side of the frame. He closes his eyes to try and suppress some of the anger surging through him. “This isn’t about me dying! Why won’t you just listen to what I tell you? What’s wrong about you acknowledging that I… I’m in love with you!

“I’m scared, Jisung!” you snap, voice raised higher than Jisung’s whining. His lips are pursed as he watches you, standing across the room from him, stop pacing slowly and instead turn directly to him with dark eyes. “Do you know how much you mean to me? Do you know how much it hurts me when I think that one day I could lose you and never see you again?”

Jisung scoffs. “Why does that stop you accepting my feelings?”

“Because if I accept how you feel where does that take us? To dating? To us spending all of our time together? To us getting married one day? Han Jisung, you don’t look at the bigger picture! I can’t get any closer to you because if anything happened to you, if you get hurt and you stop being invincible, then what will I do? Cry myself to sleep every night? Wish that I was dead with you?”

“You’re lying to me so I don’t feel shit after you reject me.” Jisung rolls his eyes, shaking his head as he turns away from you and leans back against the door frame. He takes a deep breath, not bothering to look in your direction again. “Make me feel like you did actually care about me before you take a gun and shoot me yourself. Don’t be a coward, you tell me exactly how you feel and you make sure I know that you never gave a shit about me!”

You don’t answer him. You stare him down, so harsh that even Jisung has to turn back to you to check that you’re still in the room. His entire face has dropped, he looks like he could cry if you gave him the chance too. “You think I don’t care about you?”

“You care about me when it suits you,” Jisung tells you. He barely has any life in his voice as he picks himself up from the frame and takes a few steps towards you. “You came back to me when Hyunjin broke up with you. You cared about me when you had no one to talk to at school. You had me around when no one else was. You care about me out of convenience.”

“So when I saved your ass from that botched job down at that store, that was me not caring? Every time I came to you because you didn’t feel well and I looked after you, every time you stayed here and we would do dumb shit all night, everytime I cried over you, how much I was worried for you, that was me not giving a shit about you, Han Jisung?”

Jisung bites his tongue to stop him arguing back. He didn’t see it that way. He pitied himself too much. “You were dating Hyunjin.”

“Because I had to have someone around to suppress my feelings. It’s the worst thing I’ve done and I hate myself so much for it but I had to, Jisung. I had to date Hyunjin because I really believed that of everyone I knew, he would make me get over you,” you state. You take a moment to calm down, but a few seconds of keeping eye contact with Jisung sends you to the pits of your emotions once again. “I love you too, stupid!”

“Eh?”

“I love you. Stupid.”

Jisung is caught off guard by your words. He heard them the first time but he didn’t believe them. The second time seemed even less likely. “If you’re trying to be funny right now…”

“I couldn’t love you because it hurt me too much,” you carry on, interrupting him. You look away for a moment as you feel the corners of your eyes start to sting. “I was so worried about you each time you would text me and tell me what Chan had you doing. I would sit up and wait for you to text me that you made it out okay and it wasn’t… it isn’t good, Jisung. I was so scared of losing you that I would cry all the time and I told myself, for whatever reason, that if I didn’t love you anymore I wouldn’t care if anything happened to you.”

"So you pushed me away?"

You scoff, shaking your head at Jisung. "What did you do? You stopped talking to me and I felt like I did something wrong. How is that fair?"

“You dated Hyunjin to get over me for absolutely no reason!” Jisung snaps, still not processing what you had admitted to. He stops a foot or so from you, not daring to go any closer. “You think that is fair? It broke my heart every day to think you were with him and I couldn’t do anything about it but now you’re telling me that…. You love me!”

“What?”

“You love me!”

“Why are you shouting at me!” You’re closer to him now, too. He doesn’t know when that happened, but by the time you’re speaking again he is barely an inch away from you and his heart is pounding so fast in his chest that he can barely contain himself. You put your hand on his chest and push at him slightly, barely enough to move him but enough to surely know how much you were affecting him right now. “Why are you so surprised? Hmm? You tell me! Is this not what you wanted me to say, Han Ji-”

Jisung’s senses reach their breaking point and he decides to make another textbook scenario his reality, like everything else that happens around him.

He leans down to you, though there isn’t all that much difference between you both, and presses his lips so gently to your own that it takes him a moment to actually register what the fuck he is doing. When he realises he’s kissing you he panics, but it only means that he kisses you harder and makes sure that you know just how much emotion he’s experiencing right now.

He feels your hand move to the back of his neck, into the short hairs on the back of his head. He didn’t imagine your lips to be as soft as they were, nor for you to have a distinct taste that he can’t quite put his finger on. Though he knows the lip balm you wear so it will soon make sense to him. He embraces the feeling of your nails running over his scalp for a moment, though the sense that Chan has beaten into him makes him pull away from you with wide eyes and parted lips.

Jisung begs you not to reject him with the face of a man who has seen his future and would sell his soul to the devil to make sure he got it. He breathes one shaky breath, though your hand that moves to his left cheek as you never break his eye contact makes him wonder whether he would actually need to sell his soul. “I love you, Han Jisung.”

❂❂❂

“Okay,” you call from behind the curtain. Jisung sits up straighter, interest piqued as he sees the curtain move a little. “Don’t judge this. It’s not what I would usually go for.”

Jisung rolls his eyes. “You look hot in anything.”

“Hot?”

“Beautiful,” Jisung corrects, cursing himself for the words Changbin puts in his head. It was his fault that every girl Changbin saw he would mumble how hot she was. “Can you just show me already? I’m bored.”

Jisung isn’t actually that bored. He would have sat here all day but he hopes it will hurry you just a little. He was looking forward to leaving this store and going straight to Subway so you could get some food. He shakes his hand through his hair, though his hand drops when the curtain is pulled open and you’re standing behind it proudly, smile on your lips and one hand on your hip.

“Tada,” you say, turning around for him, “I think it is perfect for whatever this event is that Jae has invited you to.”

Jisung is too focused to answer you straight away. He was only told by Jae that there would be a company dinner of the sorts, not that it was a company at all, so he didn’t have much to go off of but he already knew that you was perfect. You’d found a longer black dress at the back of a rail with a gold neck trim, spilt up the side, and cold shoulder sleeves. He only knew because you explained it all to him as you found some shoes.

He didn’t think much of it at first but of course you could make anything look amazing. He stutters over his words as he looks over you and remembers all the times he would do this and had to hide how in awe he was of you. He can’t hide his blush, nor does he want to. “He invited us.”

“But do you like this?” you question.

“I love it,” Jisung says. He checks to see if anyone else is around, which luckily they aren’t, and stands quickly to close the distance between the two of you. His hand rests on the curve of your back as he pushes your hair back from your face, tucking the ends behind your ear and then running the back of his finger across your jaw.

You’re always shy around him now, which he didn’t particularly expect, though he likes it. You look down from him and turn your head to the side, chuckling a little to yourself as you say his name softly to stop him. Jisung ignores it - he has a lot of time he has to make up for and he was going to take every opportunity he could to praise you.

He kisses you once, only a peck due to the likelihood of someone finding them like that and automatically assuming the worst. In return you kiss his cheek and bring the blush straight back to him. It’s funny how his heart still races whenever you do anything like this to him. “I love you.”

a/n: hi everyone! thank you if you made it this far. please let me know if you enjoyed and if you would like to see more of this au for stray kids and other groups too (you can find a list of who i stan on my about page). you may remember me from like, two years ago, i used to write under the name heonseoks/xiuminsm - deleted randomly due to some personal stuff. i’m not actively using tumblr, but i started writing again and felt the need to post this. so i will occasionally post on here with new writing! the best way to contact me is twitter - @ maoyukhei. thanks again for reading! <3

#han scenarios #Han Jisung scenarios #stray kids scenarios #stray kids imagines #stray kids reactions #han imagine #han imagines #Han scenario #stray kids scenario #Han Jisung scenario #Han #Han Jisung

[xiaojuxiyou]

Tears in HEAVEN

I have no clue where this idea came from, but I wrote it to my best so I hope whoever reads it can enjoy. It took me so long to finish because I kept getting distracted. And I know that I was going to post it in chapters, but decided not to. My writing is not that good and can get boring so please bear with me.

Genre: Angst, Fluff, A little bit of teasing

Word Count: 6K

Warnings: I have never experienced being an idol before so I have no idea how it works. But only know based on what I’ve seen/heard so don’t get mad at me for writing my thoughts.

This being said, let’s get to it!

Tears in HEAVEN

Staring out into the ocean, Wonho thought about his whole life. Tears falling from his eyes, feeling apologetic. When Maeil invited herself to sit beside him, Wonho wiped away the tears. Turning to her coolly, Wonho asked what she was doing there.

             “I know you are having a bad time.” Maeil gently slapped his arm, “Whenever you have a bad time you always come here.”

Wonho acknowledged her sincerity.

             “Girl problems?” Maeil asked, “I heard rumors.”

             “Like you said, rumors.” He sighed, annoyed, “Nobody believes me though, they’re all waiting for one misstep to attack.”

             “You’re saying this like it’s a war.” She playfully nudged him, “chill out.”

             “It is war.” Wonho complained, “one that can ruin my career.”

             “It’s falling in love, I’m sure people will understand.” Maeil tried to comfort him, “It’s just like in the movies where two idols, you and Minji, fall in love.”

Wonho glared. He hated the innocent smile. Mostly he hated that she would think this way, that he would fall in love with someone he barely met. As he despised her happy cheerful attitude, Maeil took out her phone to show him the drama she was talking about.

             “This could be you.” Maeil teased, pointing to the male lead, “you’re handsome enough to be the protagonist.”

Wonho was not in the mood, turning away to avoid the video. She knew he’s sad, but she wanted to cheer him up; she tried even harder to get his attention. Enraged, Wonho took the phone and flung it into the ocean. Maeil’s mouth gaped open in shock.

             “Wonho!” she smacked his arm, “You jerk!”

Running into the water, she looked for her phone, but it was gone. Feeling guilty, Wonho sighed making his way to her. Maeil gave him her angry side glare, avoiding him.

             “Why can’t you just admit it and stop being so sensitive?” Maeil mumbled.

             “You think all idols fall in love and hook up with their co-stars like in the movies?” Wonho’s loud shout made her jump, “If it were that easy, I wouldn’t even hold back my feelings because in the movies it has happy endings, but this is real life. I can’t even tell someone I love her because I’m afraid fans will hurt her. Not accept her. I’m afraid my members will have to suffer just because I love someone!”

             “I’m your fan, if you tell me who you love, I won’t hurt her. I’ll be happy for you!” Maeil argued, angry that he raised his voice at her she grabbed his shirt collar, “I know you’re dating Yoo Minji, I support you! Just be true to yourself!”

Frustrated, Wonho grabbed Maeil, one hand on her back the other behind her head, fingers in her hair. With his strong arms, he pulled her to him, crushing his lips to hers. Breathless, Maeil tried to grasp the reality of the situation. Questions running through her head turning blank the longer it lasted, Maeil liked this roughness. She gave up pushing him away and weaved her fingers into his hair. He laid soft kisses on her cheeks.

             “You’re the one I love.” He whispered, gently brushing his lips to her cold ear.

Those words rang through her ears like sirens going off in the middle of the night. Alarmed when she realized what they got themselves into. Maeil pulled away.

             “You lie.” Maeil didn’t want to believe, “How could you love someone who doesn’t even know who she is? Someone with nothing?”

             “That’s exactly why I love you. Normal, but special to me.” Wonho pulled her into his warm embrace.

Tears welled up in her eyes astounded at the sudden turn of events. Never in her 25 years of life had she expected someone would love her. Especially not Wonho. After a whole life of abandonment and living hell, Maeil wasn’t fond of the idea of love. She wasn’t fond of the idea of hope or Happiness. That was until Wonho walked into her life and flipped her insides upside down. Literally. She was able to live on because of him, for him.

The reality hit her then. Maeil always thought that if he fell in love, she would support him and encourage the lucky girl knowing how absurd some crazy fans can be. She just never thought the lucky girl will be her.

             “You said you’ll support me and be happy, will you?” he called her back from her thoughts.

She let out a sob, only now realizing that she had soaked his shirt with her tears. Being in his arms was so comforting. It felt like the first time they met all over again.

She remembered how annoyed she was at how kind he was to her when he paid for the meal she obviously didn’t plan to pay for. The gentle smile he displayed, but at the same time there was a bit of mischief in his kindness. At that time she didn’t expect him to lift her up onto his shoulders almost dropping her when she flipped upside down on his back as he walked out the restaurant just to show how “Close” they were. He followed her around the rest of the day just to make sure she didn’t do something against the law again.

             “Why do you care what I do?” she asked.

             “I believe that you are a good person and good people shouldn’t do things against the law.” He replied.

She was amazed by his answer but wanted to test him. Wonho admired her will to get on his nerves, but he calmly stopped her every time. He found her interesting and spontaneous. Maeil was impressed. He made sure she made it home safely and at her doorstep he waved goodbye to her.

             “We may never meet again, but I want you to know, I’m Wonho of Monsta X.” Wonho introduced, “don’t break any laws.”

As he skipped away, Maeil watched, inspired. He’s a good person. Because of him, she decided to walk the good path, found a job and became a fan, supporting him through everything.

Wonho thought it was the last time he would see her, and he still got a laugh every time he thought of how reckless she was. It was at their first fan sign event when Wonho got a surprise as he looked up from the album to see her in front of him. They kept in contact since then whether through notes at fan signs or social media. Wonho learned more about her and her him. She felt comfortable telling him all about her life. He fell in love unconsciously through her story that was similar to his.

And now they are in this mess. Wonho holding her to comfort not only her, but himself. He needed to feel her in his arms as he waited for her answer.

             “Maeil, I love you; will you root for us?” Wonho questioned once again, gently shaking her, “are you willing to go through hell with me?”

Thinking it through, Maeil nodded, now bringing her arms up to hug him.

             “I’ve already been through hell, Wonho.” Maeil calmed down her tears, “What’s going through it again with you?”

She didn’t know if it was wise to trust him, but she did. She wondered if her choice is wrong? But she knew that meeting Wonho was the best thing to happen. Preparing for the worse, Maeil trusted her life to the man who deserved it. If it weren’t for him all those years back, would she even still be alive.

             “From now on, don’t ever say you don’t know who you are. Don’t ever say you have nothing.” Wonho held her shoulders eyes locked on hers, “You are Song Maeil, Wonho’s woman. You have me beside you who will support you like how you support me.”

Finally smiling as he wiped the tears off her face, Maeil nodded to accept. Placing a gentle kiss on her forehead, Wonho placed his fingers between hers, feeling better. They had forgotten about the water at their feet, the cool wind against their skin, and the sun that already set at the end of the ocean. Only reminded when the water splashed against their ankles as they walked back to shore hand in hand.

Stars appeared one at a time with the dark sky above their heads. The moon reflecting beautifully on the surface of the ocean. Laying on the cool sandy beach, Maeil’s head resting on Wonho’s arm, they stared at the stars.

             “I’ve always wanted to do this.” Mindlessly Maeil slid her hand inside Wonho’s shirt, feeling his abs, “I’ve thought about it every time I see you, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask you.”

A small chuckle left Wonho’s lips, this was funny to him, but he loved how bold she was. It turned him on the more he thought of it. It was hard to hold in and her fingers dancing lightly on his chest wasn’t helping either.

             “What you’re doing is dangerous.” He let out a lustful groan.

This made her smile, wanting to tease him further. Making a questionable sound, Maeil pulled her hand out from his shirt, going down a little too far. Wonho grabbed her hand just in time before it reached lower. Pinning her hand to the ground, he flipped himself on top.

             “I’ve always wanted to do this.”

Like a hungry monster, he kissed her, teeth grazing on her bottom lip. She could feel him harden as he pressed her down with his whole body between his legs. His body refused to listen when his head ordered him to stop. In his mind, he begged her to stop him.

             “Wonho.” She trembled, going crazy, “There are a lot of things we still have to go through in our relationship.”

Those words being a reminder for him, he was finally able to pull away.

             “Thank you.” Wonho flipped back onto his back, sighing in relief.

             “You really are a monster.” Maeil commented.

             “What do you mean?”

Blushing, Maeil pointed down to between his legs.

             “I felt it.” Maeil laughed like it was the most normal thing.

             “It was your fault.” Wonho’s cheeks flushed a bright shade of red.

Maeil buried her face into his chest to get rid of the embarrassment before becoming serious.

             “How are we going to do this?” Maeil questioned.

             “Do you trust me?” Wonho replied.

Nodding, Maeil felt her eyes growing heavy. She cuddled into his side, falling asleep. Wonho stared at her with admiration.

             “With you, no matter how hard it is, I’ll make sure we pull through together.” Wonho whispered, “I’m ready for the consequences as long as you’re by my side.”

Wrapping his arms around her to keep her warm, Wonho closed his eyes to rest.

Stirring in bed, Maeil rubbed her eyes, slightly opening them. With a sigh, she shut them again, smiling. It must have been a dream. At least it felt like a dream until she sat up with the sound outside the window. Opening the blinds, she jumped up at the sight of red paint and eggs covering her window. Another egg splat in front of her.

             “Leave Wonho alone!” angry fans shouted from outside.

Maeil panicked not knowing what this was all about. Yesterday wasn’t a dream. She remembered being lifted onto Wonho’s back and carried home. He tucked her in and kissed the tip of her nose before leaving. Something must have happened while she slept.

Quickly taking out her phone, she searched for anything related to Wonho. Sure enough the first hot topic coming up was a picture of them together at the beach.

             “Lee Hoseok or known as Wonho from Monsta X was seen with mystery woman at the beach. Is he double timing? A few days ago news was released of his relationship with New girl group idol Yoo Minji of Honey-flower.”

How did news get out so fast? Opening the news, she read, the company will have a meeting with Wonho and release the details soon. Worried, Maeil called him.

             “Wonho are you okay?” she questioned the moment she heard his voice.

             “I’m fine now that I hear your voice.” He answered.

             “I’m so sorry.” Maeil broke out into tears, “I didn’t know this would happen.”

             “Nobody knew this will happen, don’t blame yourself, I chose you.” Wonho comforted her, “Talk to you later, take care of yourself.”

Maeil nodded her head even though he can’t see it. After hanging up she threw on her sweater, ready to face the consequences. When she got downstairs to her bakery, there was already two police officers there, telling the rude fans to leave.

Pushing through the fans, Jun, the part time worker at Daily Bakery arrived. He smiled, gently squeezing her shoulder showing support. He was as shocked about the news as she was.

             “Everything will be alright.” Jun assured, “My classes are cancelled, I’ll stay with you all day so you won’t be alone.”

             “Thanks Jun.” Maeil smiled in return before going into the kitchen to start the day.

Jun went ahead to set up the shop for business.

Putting in the second batch of cookies, Maeil went out to see Jun on the ladder, trying his best to reach the top of the window. To help she handed the mop to him. The chipped wood pieces went into Maeil’s finger. With a quick yelp, Maeil brought her finger to her mouth.

             “Don’t do that.” Jun jumped off the ladder in worry.

He took her hand searching for the splinter. Jun smiled happy that he got to hold her hand. He’s crushed on her for so long but didn’t have the courage to tell her. With the trouble, Jun hoped she would notice his feelings if he stayed beside her.

             “What’s going on here?” Wonho startled them.

Wonho took Maeil’s hand from Jun’s.

             “I got a splinter.” Maeil explained.

             “I got this.” Wonho said to Jun.

             “Why don’t you take care of the other problem first.” Jun mumbled before going inside.

Seeing a tiny bit of anger on Wonho’s face brought a smile to her face.

             “Look at him looking down on me.” Wonho whined.

             “Calm down.” Maeil bumped her head onto his.

Calming down, Wonho helped remove the splinter. His phone rang for the hundredth time and he gave Maeil a look of concern.

             “Answer it.”

Two days later:

Two girls hovered by the Yam Buns giggling. Maeil sat by the counter in deep thought. Jun kept his eyes on the suspicious pair. Listening closely, he could hear what they whispered.

             “She thinks she’s important, Wonho only sees her as a friend.” One said.

             “Shameless, she needs to get some sense knocked into her.” Said the other.

Disappointed, Jun set the tray onto the table, drawing their attention. They turned to him, blushing at how handsome he was. he showed a pretentious smile.

             “Maeil, We’re out of Sugar Cookies.” Jun held back from being rude to customers.

Giving them a side glare, he continued stocking the croissants.

Scoffing, the girls turned away to begin their plan. Maeil went into the kitchen to make Sugar Cookies. With his back turned, Jun gave the girls the chance to knock over the Yam Buns stand. Jun turned to them, seeing the joy on their faces. Jun rolled his eyes.

             “I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave.” He opened the door to invite them out.

             “We didn’t do anything.”

             “This store has camera’s, you’ll leave when I ask politely.”

The girls seem shocked exchanging stares.

             “This store is shit anyway.” One exclaimed.

Maeil stepped in to see what was wrong. As the girls stepped out, they ran into Jooheon, Minhyuk, and IM. They coward back in admiration, but the members weren’t impressed.

             “I don’t think we have disrespectful Monbebes, do we?” IM questioned.

             “You can’t break things and just walk away.” Minhyuk added.

             “Please apologize.” Jooheon asked politely.

The girls did as they were told before scurrying away.

The members came into the store, smiling to Maeil. She smiled in return.

             “It’s great to finally meet you.” Minhyuk greeted.

Jun turned away, irritated.

             “Thanks for your help.” Maeil thanked.

             “We’re here for Wonho.” Jooheon informed.

             “He’s taking some days off and needs you to be with him.” IM explained.

             “So he sent you here to do what he couldn’t?” Jun interrupted.

The guys had a stare down.

             “We came by ourselves.” Said Minhyuk.

             “Wonho looks tough, but he’s very timid, he needs your comfort.” Jooheon explained.

             “I know you like Maeil, but aren’t you being a little selfish only thinking about yourself?” IM asked Jun.

             “I…” Jun protested.

             “Jun, you can go home.” Maeil stopped him, “I’m closing the bakery a few days.”

He was selfish. But to say he wasn’t thinking of anyone else is wrong. Wonho needed Maeil’s comfort. Maeil needed support too which Jun was willing to give. But Jun knew Maeil chose Wonho.

             “Just know I’m always here for you.” Jun left.

Maeil was ready to listen to the members.

             “We’re not forcing you, but Wonho is at the train station, heading to Jeju.”

At the train station:

Knowing he’ll get hungry, Wonho bought food for the trip. With only two minutes left, Wonho made his way to the train finding an empty seat. He fell asleep, leaning his head against a pole.

Waking up, his right shoulder felt sore. A masked woman slept, her arms wrapped around his.

             “Excuse me.” He gently nudged her.

             “I’m only your friend?” She opened her eyes, looking up at him.

A smile spread across his face when he realized it was Maeil.

             “I told them, I love you.” Wonho corrected.

             “Aren’t we like teenagers running from our problems, and the world?”

             “I’m willing to do that with you.” Pulling her close, he kissed her head.

In the time being, they were at peace enjoying each other’s company, forgetting all the worries in the world. It was like being in heaven.

It’s been a week since their arrival in Jeju. Happiness only lasted a couple of days. The problems in the back of their minds slowly found ways to escape. Seeing Wonho’s empty smile daily killed her inside. He’d paint on a smile when he saw her stare. He was good at acting, but she was better at catching it. Today was the same.

             “I’m going to the market.” Maeil couldn’t take seeing him looking glum.

Without waiting for his answer, Maeil left. A ways down the street she ducked into the alley. Making sure no one could see her, she cried. She had held them in wanting to be strong for him. After ten minutes, feeling relieved she continued to the market.

When she got home thirty minutes later, Wonho was gone. Worried, Maeil went to search for him. Finally seeing him at the bay. Making her way out to the dock where Wonho sat staring out to the sea, Maeil braced herself for what she already knew was going to come. As she had suspected, Wonho was crying by himself. Kneeling behind him, she wrapped her arms around his waist from the back, leaning her head onto his. Wonho quickly wiped his tears to hide them, but she already saw.

             “You don’t have to be tough in front of me.” Maeil buried her face into his sweater.

             “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be emotional like this.” Wonho apologized, “being with you is what I wanted, you’re my heaven.”

             “Then why are you crying tears in heaven?” Maeil questioned, “I told you to be true to yourself.”

Pulling Maeil to sit on his lap, he leaned his head onto her chest.

             “I just really miss the members and Monbebe.”

Her heart hurt thinking how he gave up his whole career and future for her. She hated to be the one who ruined his life.

             “Go back to them.” Maeil stared into his eyes, “They’re waiting for you, you know and I don’t want to be selfish keeping you to myself.”

Maeil went back to their room, leaving Wonho there deep in thought. His heart broke that she decided it like this. He felt as if he had let her down after all the promises of happiness he gave her.

It wasn’t until late night that Maeil heard the door open. Wonho entered swaying side to side as he locked the door. Maeil pretended to sleep and didn’t move when Wonho dropped down behind her, without turning on the light.

             “Hey.” He grabbed her shoulder, gently shaking it.

When Maeil didn’t answer, Wonho slid his arm around her waist, pulling her against his body.

             “I know it’s hard, I just need time.” Wonho mumbled.

Now Maeil could smell the alcohol from his breath. She turned to face him, turning on the little lamp above their heads.

             “Did you…”

His slightly pink cheeks gave her the answer as Wonho smiled sheepishly before pushing her words back into her mouth with his lips. For the whole week, he had been a gentlemen with her. Tonight he wanted her and she wanted him. But he’s drunk. Maeil couldn’t stop feeling that she was taking advantage of him.

             “We can’t.” Maeil pushed Wonho away.

Flipping over, Wonho lied flat on his back. Watching him brushing his fingers through his hair in frustration, Maeil gave in. She didn’t care that she was taking advantage of him, she wanted it. Climbing on him, Maeil grabbed his hands bringing them to her waist, kissing him. He kissed back. No matter how this ends, there was no backing down tonight.

A cool breeze crept in through the slightly opened window, chilling up the room. Wonho reached over to pull both Maeil and the blanket closer. When he felt nothing, he sat up, rubbing his eyes. The space beside him was empty.

             “Maeil?” he got on his feet, searching for her.

Stumbling his way to the dining table, he found the note Maeil left for him.

             “Take good care of yourself.” He read with tears threatening to come out, “Don’t waste yourself like last night. Alcohol is not good for your health. I’ve decided to end it here. You must go back to your members, to Monbebe. Continue doing what you love. Forget this tearful Heaven that is less a heaven than you achieving your dreams.”

He finally burst out in sobs. Putting the letter down, Wonho saw a bowl of ramen on the other end of the table. The steam still rising. It meant she had left not too long ago. Wonho dashed out the door to find her.

Seeing him cry like this was hell. She had to bite back her cries as she watched him. When he ran out, Maeil stepped out of the closet she’d been hiding in since she heard him wake up. Gathering her belongings, she left their rented room. Outside, Jun was waiting for her. He didn’t hesitate to go there yesterday when Maeil called, asking him to come get her. Jun was the only one she had left in this world that cared about her as much as Wonho did.

             “Are you sure you want to do this?” Jun hugged her.

Nodding, Maeil closed the door and they made their way down the hill.

Just as they turned the corner, Wonho got back.

             “Maeil, I know you’re still here, you’re just hiding from me! Didn’t you promise we’d get through this together?” Wonho shouted, “This is not a tearful heaven. I promise you that I will have both, My career and my heaven, I will make it happen!”

He dropped to his knees.

Maeil covered her ears. Jun pulled Maeil closer gently squeezing her arm telling her it’s okay.

With his head down, Wonho went back inside, sitting down at table, blankly staring at the ramen. By now it was soggy. He hated soggy ramen, but it was the last bowl Maeil would be making for him in a while. As he slowly picked at it, the door opened and his members came in one at a time, hugging him. He let himself go being his timid self.

Leaving the tears behind, Wonho came back to Monbebe.

A week later:

             “Hello Monbebe, I’m about to eat after my workout.”

The fruit bowl on the table was visible as Wonho threw some grapes into his mouth. Moving the iPad closer to read the comments.

             “Why date someone who brings you sadness?” Wonho read, trying to keep calm, “Monbebe, when I date someone, it’s because she brings smiles. Don’t you want to see me happy?”

“We support you Wonho!”

“The ones who disagree, are not your real fans, ignore them.”

“We want you to be happy!”

             “You said that you want me to be happy, so if I were to date someone, will you support me?” Wonho questioned, being serious, “Then should I ignore the haters because they aren’t my fans?”

“#Wish Wonho Happiness”

“Monbebe remember when you cried your asses off when Wonho was on leave? You want that again?”

With more supporting comments, Wonho found his courage. He found a way that worked little by little. He’ll fight for his right to love.

The next day:

             “Hello, Monbebe! I’m on my morning jog and decided to come to my favorite bakery to pick up something to share with the members.”

Wonho made his way up the hill he was so fond of.

             “Daily Bakery has the best Yam Buns and Cheesecake Muffins ever, if you don’t believe me, come buy it yourselves.”

Coming to the door, Wonho pouted, seeing the closed sign.

             “Seems like they’re not open today as well.” Wonho whined before reading one of the fans comments.

“Isn’t that your girlfriend’s bakery?”

“Self-promoting now? LOL #Wish Wonho Happiness”

“I’ve been there before, the cookies are so moist and delicious!”

Seeing the positive Comments made him happy.

             “Well I guess we’ll all have to survive without Daily Bakery’s delicious food.” Wonho announced to the fans, “now back to jogging.”

He ran back down the hill disappointed he couldn’t see her.

A week later:

Standing outside Daily Bakery, Wonho anticipated going in to meet her. He came every day but it was closed until today. He missed her. As soon as Wonho stepped foot inside, Jun rolled his eyes and turned away. Wonho was speechless at Jun’s reaction. Letting out a few breaths to calm himself.

             “Is…”

             “She’s not here.” Jun interrupted, “She refused to come home because she thought it best you stay apart.”

Wonho bit back his question.

             “It’s okay, I’ll just buy some Yam Buns and get on my way.” Wonho grabbed a brown paper bag and filled it, “If she ever comes back, could you please call me?”

Jun typed the price into the machine, giving Wonho a half hateful glare. But the way Wonho’s eyes begged made Jun pity him. Sighing, Jun nodded, bringing a smile to Wonho’s face. After thanking Jun and paying, Wonho left, feeling a bit better.

             “You’re sure you’re okay like this?” Jun turned to the kitchen entrance.

Maeil stepped out, staring out the window after Wonho. She answered Jun with a nod.

             “It’s cruel of you, would you do the same to me?” Jun regretted his words, “Wait, you never gave me a chance.”

             “Sorry, I…”

             “No, it’s okay.” Jun smiled to her warmly, “if you weren’t stubborn, I wouldn’t have met my special someone.”

Maeil’s brows raised in surprise. Jun nodded shyly.

             “I met her a few days after you left with Wonho.” Jun explained.

             “I’m happy for you.” Maeil smiled.

             “That’s why I think you should stop hiding from Wonho, it only hurts both of you.”

             “I agree with him.”

Both Jun and Maeil turned their heads to the door where the woman stood. For how long no one knew.

             “Yoo Minji?”

Maeil was surprised to see Minji in her shop.

Minji smiled as she greeted them both.

             “I’m Yoo Minji of Honey-Flower.” She introduced herself.

             “The woman in the news with Wonho.” Maeil knew her.

Minji nodded.

             “We’re not involved, I swear.” She said, “I came because I heard a few weeks ago, my fans caused trouble for you.”

Jun nodded remembering the incident.

             “I want to apologize.” Minji informed, “I told them that Wonho and I aren’t dating, but they refuse to believe.”

             “It’s fine, you weren’t the one who caused trouble.” Maeil replied.

             “Shownu told me to tell you, you did the right thing.” Said Minji, “Wonho needed that push to get him going.”

Jun and Maeil listened in confusion. What did Shownu have to do with this all?

             “The day the news with Wonho came out, he was just trying to help me not get caught with Shownu, it wouldn’t be good for my image.”

Now it all made sense.

             “Shownu and the members talked to their company regarding our situations.” Minji explained, “now it’s up to if the fans are willing to accept the truth.”

The whole time Minji talked, her eyes were on the cheesecake muffins. Maeil couldn’t help but smile.

             “Would you like one?” Maeil handed one to her.

Minji took it with joy. She looked like a happy baby. No wonder Shownu decided to date her.

             “Shownu always said your baked goods were delicious.” Minji stated.

             “Well tell him thanks.” Maeil felt happy people liked her baking, “By the way, may I please get your autograph, I’m your fan.”

Minji gladly accepted. Before leaving she bought a batch of muffins to share with her members.

Knowing that the company was okay with them dating gave Maeil a bit of comfort.

A week later:

It had been almost two months since the craziness began until now. Feeling apologetic to the fans, Wonho and the members decided to set up a surprise event with the company’s approval. Using their own money, the members rented a small event hall for their fans to come and meet them. It was all free. Monsta X stood at the stage waving to greet the fans as they entered through the door and got seated.

             “Hello Monbebe!” Monsta X greeted once all the seats were filled.

             “First of all, I would like to apologize to all the Monbebe for causing you guys so much sadness, but I promise there will be no more.” Wonho spoke up.

             “It’s okay!” Monbebe replied, “Wish Wonho Happiness!!!”

Their cheers were so heartwarming. It brought tears to his eyes.

             “Second, if you reach under your chair, there will be gifts for each and every one of you.” Shownu announced, “We hope you like it.”

             “We didn’t know what kind of treats Monbebe would like so we put one of each.” Jooheon said.

Monbebe each took a bite from their choice, praising the taste.

             “These are the number 1 most requested baked goods from Daily Bakery, Yam Buns, Cheesecake Muffins, and Sugar Cookies.” Kihyun informed.

             “Monbebe, do you love me as much I love you?” Wonho questioned.

             “Yes!”

             “Then you’d want me to be happy and eat the best food out there?” Wonho added.

             “Yes!”

             “Well to do that there is only one way.” Wonho exclaimed, “That is to have both Monbebe and my special someone by my side forever, will Monbebe give me their consent?”

The sudden silence in the room made him and the members nervous. The whole purpose of this surprise event was to change idol history. If this didn’t work, they were all doomed.

             “Wish Wonho Happiness!” Monbebe broke the silence, “Wish Idols Happiness!”

             “Thank you Monbebe!” Wonho thanked, bowing with gratitude.

At the bakery:

             “Song Maeil, I’ll be there!”

Jun turned his phone to Maeil who had been peeking at the live that her Monbebe friend streamed.

             “Apparently you changed K-pop history.” Jun stated, “Do you want time alone to ready yourself?”

             “Why do I need to get ready?” Maeil questioned, feigning ignorance.

Knowing Maeil too well, Jun clicked his tongue, reaching over for his jacket.

             “I’m closing the shop now and leaving to go on a date with my potential love interest, you do the same.” Jun threw his jacket on.

             “I’m the boss here Jun.” Maeil reminded him.

             “We both know I’m right.”

Smiling playfully, Jun grabbed the open/close sign at the door and turned it to closed. He gave Maeil a wink before going out the door. Maeil finally let her smile free, shaking her head at how childish yet understanding Jun was. He was like a little brother. And like he said, it was time to get ready.

Later when Wonho finally made it to the bakery, he was devastated to see the closed sign again. He was afraid it would be like those few weeks ago. To his surprise, the door was unlocked. The lights in the bakery were off, but the one in the stairwell leading up the Maeil’s room were on. Locking the front door, Wonho invited himself up to her room.

             “Maeil?” he gently knocked on the bedroom door.

Opening the door, he stepped in, landing eyes on Maeil. She was sleeping beautifully, curled up in her comforter. Wonho smiled, hurrying over to her side. Playfully, he blew air to her face. He removed the hair from her face. His finger on her lips, feeling the softness as she pouted in her sleep. He watched her sleep, wanting to capture her image in his heart. He missed her so much.

             “I love you Song Maeil.” He whispered, brushing the tip of his nose onto hers.

Stirring Maeil shivered, pulling the comforter closer. Worried, Wonho laid himself down beside her, pulling her into his arms. Him raising her head onto his arm woke her up.

             “I waited for you.” Maeil smiled sleepily, snuggling into his chest.

             “I waited for you.”

             “What…”

Wonho shushed her with his lips.

             “You don’t know how long I waited to hold you in my arms again, how long I’ve wanted to kiss you again.” Wonho whispered, “You were so cruel.”

             “I was.” Maeil didn’t deny it.

             “You’re not even going to protest?”

She shook her head.

             “Even if I punish you for it?”

Wonho suddenly turned her onto her back and pinned her onto the bed beneath his huge build.

             “Whatever do you mean by that?”

Maeil giggled as Wonho kissed her, fingers tickling her sides. Wriggling beneath him, she finally broke free from the prison that is her comforter and wrapped her fingers at Wonho’s waist as well. Stopping when they were out of breath, they lie beside each other. Hair in a mess, clothes all crumpled up on their bodies, staring expressionlessly at the ceiling.

             “Why did you decide to leave me after what happened that night?” Wonho suddenly asked out of curiosity, “was I not… good?”

Turning her head to face him, Maeil bit her bottom lip, holding back her laughter. Wonho stared at her, wondering what her reaction meant.

             “You really don’t remember?” Maeil laughed at his clueless face, “Nothing happened that night, you were so drunk you threw up and knocked out, I had to clean you up.”

             “I mean it was too soon anyway.” Wonho consoled himself.

Feeling bad for not clearing that up faster, Maeil moved to Wonho, resting her head on his arm. Wonho played with her hair.

             “Where did you go when I woke up?”

             “In the closet.”

The Closet? He looked at her, fascinated as she smiled. Now thinking about it was so hilarious.

             “The next time you disappear, the closet will be the first place I search.”

             “Next time I won’t hide in the closet then.” Maeil joked.

Wonho chuckled.

             “There won’t be a next time then.”

Finally feeling at peace with how things turned out, they lie there in each other’s arms for the rest of the night. Talking until they grew sleepy. Though it was only a month they were apart, it felt like years. Not wanting to separate again, they didn’t even bother to turn off the lights as they fell asleep.

#Tears in HEAVEN #Wonho #Monsta X #kpop fanfiction #angst #fluff #Lee Hoseok #Shin Wonho #Shin Hoseok #Kpopscenarios

[gale-gentlepenguin]

ML Scarlet Lady au: Volpina (Part 1)

(Oh this one! This one has been gnawing at me. So enjoy my creative take on it for the Scarlet Lady au. Inspired by @zoe-oneesama)

_______________________________________________________________________

Chloé was absolutely seething. The blonde teen couldn't wrap her head around this new girl. This brown haired Italian exchange student has gotten everyone under her little spell.

Chloé needed information about this girl Asap. She had sent Sabrina out to get as much information about her as possible.

“Don't you think you are overreacting?” a red Kwami asked as she watched Chloé fix her make up in the girls room.

“I am not Tikki. This girl is definitely bad news. There is only one queen at this school, and that is Me. I don't care how many songs Jagged Stone writes about her. She is no Scarlet Lady.” Chloé ranted as she angrily applied her eyeliner.

Tikki sighed. She had been Chloé’s companion for a while and she knew about how insecure Chloé actually was. Tikki has been trying slowly to assure the girl that fame and appearances are unnecessary, but Chloé refuse to acknowledge it. Its no wonder Chat noir doesn't even bother talking to Scarlet lady anymore.

“Chloé” a ginger haired girl shouted as she burst into the bathroom. Tikki hid immediately. 

“Sabrina! Calm down. You almost made me mess up.” 

“I’m sorry Chloé, I got news about the Lila.” Sabrina explained.

“Okay spill.”

_______________________________________________________________________

Adrien tapped his fingers on the table as he sat in the Library. He promised the new girl he would help her out with her history homework. He would normally try to catch a quick nap, but he knows its tough when starting out in a new school and Lila seemed nice enough, so he decided to at least try to be accommodating. Though, he would rather be looking through that mysterious book that he found in his father’s secret safe. 

Plagg said it was some ancient tome, though he said he would remember after he ate some cheese. He did say that he should take it to Fu, the nice old man that helped out when Plagg was ill. Adrien kinda wanted to read it now. The book was practically calling to him. 

The blond teen decided one quick peek couldn't hurt. He slyly pulls it out of his bag, opening to the page about the hawkmoth looking character.

“We can get started on our history homework.” The brunet spoke sweetly as she walked to where Adrien was sitting. Adrien casually hid the book under another smaller book and turned his attention to the new student. He mentally cursed at himself for pulling the book out now.

“It will be so much more fun working on it together dontcha think?” Lila asked as she placed the books on the table and sat down, clearly trying to flirt with the tired teen.

Lila looked at the boy sweetly when the book that Adrien was holding caught her eye.

“What’s this?” She asked snagging the book before the boy could stop her.

“Oh that? Nothing, just some stories about heroes.”

Lila places her hand on his. Causing him to look up at her.

“I Love superheroes.” She mused with a flirtatious tone. Lila began leafing through the book and found a page with an illustration that looked similar to Scarlet Lady.

“Scarlet Lady?” Lila said aloud. She heard Adrien groan slightly. She turned to him.

“She is...really something.” He stated, wording it carefully. He Loathed Scarlet lady, but he wasn't gonna put the new girl out by telling her she is awful.

The burnet took it as the boy crushing on the super heroine, deciding to be more direct. She moves her chair right next to his moving closer into his space.

“A girl doesn't need to wear a costume, to be amazing.” She stated as she looked into his green eyes.

The sleep deprived teen found himself thinking about a certain designer classmate of his, making him flustered.

“Umm uh.. I dont know... I mean uh...”

“Got a soft spot for the lady I take it.” 

“Me? Oh not at all.”

Adrien immediately denied it. But his quick denial made it seem to the brown haired exchange student that he did have a crush on her.

“I actually happen to be very close with the Scarlet Lady.”

“Really?” Adrien asked in clear disbelief. Anyone that knew her as well as he did would not be taking pride in that fact. He was very skeptical.

“We can chat about it if you want? But not here though.” She said with a quick look over her shoulder. “We can talk about it in the park after school.”

Adrien was starting to get the vibe that there was something wrong here. Either the girl was lying trying to impress him. Or that this poor girl was tricked into thinking Scarlet Lady was a good person. If its the latter, he should probably tell her.

Suddenly his phone buzzes. He had one minute to get to fencing practice.

“I gotta go! I got Fencing practice in... 58 seconds.” The blond exclaimed as he scrambled to pack up his things.

He put the books in his bag, accidentally dropping them when Lila got too close.

“Soooo...  The park?” She inquired, seeing if he was willing to meet her. She noticed the superhero book drop and uses her foot to move it away from the bag. She picks up the bag and hands it to the rushing boy.

“Umm Okay sure.” He agreed before rushing out of the library.

The girl opened the book to see a fox themed super heroine.

“A Vixen super heroine. How intriguing.”

______________________________________________________________________

“Scarlet Lady and Me? We are like this.” Lila stated, in an interview that was posted on the Ladyblog. Chloé had watched the video several times. The blonde teen was absolutely livid. This new girl was a total Fraud.

“Chloé, you need to calm down. The girl was likely insecure about being new. Sure it wasn't right for her to lie, but I think you might be taking this too personally.” The red Kwami tried to calm the angry blonde.

“Oh, and I suppose her flirting with my Adrikins is something I shouldn't take too personally either?!”

“Yes!” Tikki answered.

Chloé took a deep breathe.

“You know what Tikki. You are right. Chloé shouldn't be angry at the new girl.” Chloé stated with an ominous smile.

“See Chloé I knew you could... why did you refer to yourself in the third person?”

“Scarlet Lady should be the one angry at the new girl!” Chloé exclaimed.

“Chloé no!”

“Chloé yes!”

She stormed off to go find the girl. Sabrina overheard the two in the library and told Chloé that Lila would be meeting him after school at the park.

She went and sat at the bench two away from hers and pulled out a fashion magazine to not draw suspicion. Tikki poked her head out of the bag.

“Chloé I really don't think this is... wait a minute... that book... Oh my goodness I recognize that book.”

“Not now Tikki I am thinking of a suitable way for Scarlet Lady to ‘Reveal’ herself to the faker.”

“Chloé, the book that girl has is crucial. Its....” Tikki realized that Chloé wasn't gonna care unless she used a different method to engage her interest.

“It holds the secret to customizing the scarlet Lady suit...” Tikki lied.

Chloé turned to her Kwami.

“For real!? Oh we need to get it.” Chloé fell for Tikki’s lie.

“Super. Now we need a plan...”

“Oh no, he is earlier then I expected.” Chloé muttered.

Tikki watched as the girl tossed the book in the trash to hide it from the approaching Blond Model.

“Oh I have to get her.”

“Chloé! Book first! Boys second.”

“Fine...” She grumbled.

Chloé started to sneak closer, as Tikki went for the book.

She started to overhear the conversation.

“Ever since Scarlet Lady saved my life. We have become very good friends. Because we have something very special in common. Its... What I wanted to tell you about Adrien. I am a descendent of a super heroine myself. Volpina. ” Lila mused. Her lies quickly spinning a web of deception. Though Unbeknownst to her, he was actually starting to think to himself ‘Oh no, not another arrogant super heroine.’

“What? Volpina” He found himself remembering seeing that name when leafing through the book. The book he noticed was not in his bag when he was done with fencing. Which... he couldn't find... how peculiar. He decided to play along, to see if she knew where his book was.

“Wait a minute! I think Ive heard of her. I think I read about it in my book.” He pretends to go for his book.

“Of Course She is in Your book.” Lila states as she covered his bag with her hand rather frantically. Tipping off the Blond boy that she knows he doesn't have it.

“She is more powerful and celebrated then Scarlet Lady.” Lila went on.

Chloé had enough. She grabbed tikki and pull them away from there. The sudden movement caused Tikki to drop the book.

“Chloé the book.”

“We will get it later. I am done listing to that garbage! Scarlet Lady is coming in.”

“Oh no...”

_______________________________________________________________________

(So ends Part 1. In order not to drive myself insane by Writing until 1 in the morning. I will be breaking this off into pieces.  Let me know what you all think of it so far. (Part two is here))

(Oh and one more thing. Do you guys want this With or Without Marigold)

#ML #miraculous ladybug #ml au #miraculous ladybug au #scarlet lady au #scarlet lady #lila rossi #volpina #adrien agreste #tikki #chloé bourgeois

[stevenuniversallyreviews]

Episode 104: Kindergarten Kid

“I'm smarter than your average Peridot.”

Oof. I need a break. Do you need a break? Let’s take a break.

When I was a kindergarten kid, my family had a firm policy against “commercial TV,” as in any children’s television programming that included commercials. Our house didn’t get Cartoon Network until 2003-ish regardless, but this meant pretty much everything that wasn’t PBS (and later Disney Channel, which had commercials but not for toys) was restricted to friends’ houses until I was about eight. I was born in 1990, so the ban lift came right on time for Digimon and Pokémon to debut (in that order, fight me), but until then my access to cartoons was largely limited.

So yeah, unlike others of my age group, I didn’t grow up with Rugrats or Aaahh!!! Real Monsters, and due to the continued lack of Cartoon Network I also missed out on Dexter’s Laboratory and The Powerpuff Girls until reruns in the aughts. But I did have The Tapes, and The Tapes had Looney Tunes, so I was more than satisfied.

I still remember sitting up straighter when I first realized what Kindergarten Kid was doing back in 2016. The southwestern setting is a pretty big hint from the start, but we were cleverly introduced to the area in Beta and Earthlings and aren’t primed to see the Road Runner and Coyote connection until the plot revs up. And yes, these rivals are the clearest inspiration for Peridot’s futile attempts to outsmart a faster, “dumber” foe with intricate traps. But with an exception here or there for comic relief, Messrs. Coyote and Runner are silent, while Peridot is anything but. And as much fun as it would’ve been to go full throttle and make the entire sequence silent, I’m so glad to see Raven Molisee and Paul Villeco instead have Peridot emulate another icon from the Looney Tunes roster. And no, it’s not Porky Pig.

It’s ironic, because his best work sees him fail to come out on top, but I legitimately can’t think of a better cartoon character than Daffy Duck. Like, out of all cartoons, from every country, from any time period, period. Bugs Bunny is no slouch—he follows the legacy of Loki, Anansi, Reynard, and Maui as modern America’s most notable trickster deity—but Daffy perfected an archetype that’s largely unrepresented in myths of yore, and stands head and shoulders above all other examples, including Wile E. Coyote himself (and Daffy’s fun but better-in-the-comics counterpart, Donald Duck). Aptly referred to in Babylon 5 as “an ancient Egyptian god of frustration,” Daffy evolved from a perfectly good screwball character (Daffy Doodles is the best of this era) to the embodiment of self-inflicted pain.

I’ve already compared Peridot and Ruby to the little black duck before (seriously, stop what you’re doing and watch Daffy Doodles if that weird nickname doesn’t ring a bell), but Kindergarten Kid seems to go out of its way to evoke the essence of Daffy. Wile E. Coyote’s ploys may have the same convoluted detail as the Peri-Plans we see, but going on at length about how a scheme is going to work only for it to immediately fail? That’s Daffy Duck. Puffing up in confidence at the infallibility of said plan, and having it collapse in the middle of a smug victory lap? That’s Daffy Duck. This episode pulls its pacing straight out of the Hunting Trilogy (from which we get the famous “Rabbit Season!” “Duck Season!” debate), with Steven subbing in for both Elmer Fudd and Bugs depending on who Daffy is allied with at any given time, and it’s a beautiful thing to watch. 

We even get variations of classic gags to keep things fresh. It would’ve been acceptable for Peridot to slowly dismantle an injector to crush Gem Runner, only for it to not fall until she’s right beneath it. But no, she realizes the risk, takes a step back, then gets crushed by falling rocks. I still would’ve laughed if her cannon refused to fire until she stepped in front of it, launching her over the horizon. But the recoil launches her backwards, crushing her with more rocks. Rehashing the exact same classic gags would’ve been an easy way out, but the gags are classic for a reason and I would’ve appreciated the tribute; that we see actual creative changes instead brings Kindergarten Kid to even higher heights. Yes, the final plummet is directly based on Wile E. Coyote’s own falls (sadly without the sound effect), but there’s a level of innovation here that’s compelling for an episode referencing the past so vividly.

Still, the biggest difference between Kindergarten Kid and vintage Looney Tunes is that unlike Daffy or Coyote, Peridot can make a change. The episode is similar to Barn Mates, in that both are a series of sketches that show Peridot and Steven trying and failing to accomplish a goal (which is perhaps the most clinical way to describe the standard Looney Tunes short). Both episodes end with a victory for Peridot when she realizes she must rethink the core problem, but Kindergarten Kid works better by halving the number of characters that need to grow. Barn Mates is by no means bad, but it’s hard to balance the story of its two leads, so Lapis is left without much focus behind her actions. This time the opponent is something of a force of nature, so we can spend more time digging into why Peridot’s plans aren’t working.

Peridot has already changed quite a bit, but her superiority complex remains a central tenet of her personality. It’s been tempered when Steven is involved, but she still treats most other Gems as intellectual inferiors even when she gets along with them. So of course she sees outbraining a Corrupted Gem as a cakewalk, and of course Steven teaches her the error of her ways with a lesson in empathy. These are obvious story beats, but old habits die hard, and I like that Peridot still has issues with her ego despite how far she’s come as a Crystal Gem.

It’s hard to compare any voice actor to Mel Blanc, in the same way it’s hard to compare any English-speaking playwright to Shakespeare, so I’m not gonna give praise that lofty, but Shelby Rabara still nails the fury of a gremlin who's smart but thinks she’s way smarter. It’s not easy on the throat to shout this much, and in such specific nonverbal ways, but I still think her best moment is when her confident front falters, and she yells that she’s doing the best she can. She’s as angry as ever, but that glimpse of vulnerability shows that she’s not a lost cause like Coyote.

Steven also returns to old habits, focusing all his energy on helping Peridot and not mentioning his mother once. I can see how this might make Kindergarten Kid seem too flippant, but as we’ll confirm in Mindful Education, our hero is pushing down the bad feelings instead of dealing with them. I think it’s crucial to have a few episodes where he seems okay to lull us into the sense of security that his breakdown destroys, and just like Bubbled, it’s clear that his coping mechanism is putting others before himself. He never complains about the physical injuries caused by Peridot’s poor planning, instead making sure his friend is okay.

Like Log Date 7 15 2, the show leans into Peridot’s brand of comic relief to cool us down from a major event. This is an even sillier episode, to the point that the other Crystal Gems are watching it for entertainment value, but it comes after an even more harrowing Diamond reveal. And because this one has more to do with Steven, he gets more to do in the episode: he’s not reliving a Peridot montage, he’s participating in her adventure, and the episode is stronger for it.

I understand that comedy is subjective. For instance, I’m not huge on meta humor in the style of our next episode; I acknowledge that it’s done well, but it’s not for me. So I don’t expect everyone to be huge on this episode, especially if you tragically lack a childhood full of ducks getting their beaks blown off and rabbits dancing up to bulls to slap them in the face. But hopefully folks who were let down in their first viewing, expecting more drama and lore in our post-shattering reality, can give Kindergarten Kid another look, perhaps after downing some classic cartoons, and enjoy it for the outstanding love letter that it is.

(I still don’t know why she references Yogi Bear, that’s a whole other era of cartoon, but nobody’s perfect.)

If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have inconsistencies…

I know it’s absurd to nitpick unrealistic elements of such a cartoony episode, but Steven’s endless bag of marshmallows bugs me. At least it gives us another Peridot-as-raccoon reaction.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

It barely misses the cut, but boy do I love this episode. Like any great Looney Tunes short, I can watch it and laugh no matter how many times I’ve seen it; the gags are so pure that rather than getting bored of them, I now chuckle in anticipation before the hits even come. 

Top Twenty

Steven and the Stevens

Hit the Diamond

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Earthlings

Mr. Greg

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Beach City Drift

Winter Forecast

Bismuth

When It Rains

Catch and Release

Chille Tid

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

The New Lars

Monster Reunion

Alone at Sea

Crack the Whip

Beta

Back to the Moon

Kindergarten Kid

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Barn Mates

Steven Floats

Drop Beat Dad

Too Short to Ride

Restaurant Wars

Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service

Greg the Babysitter

Gem Hunt

Steven vs. Amethyst

Bubbled

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

No Thanks!

     5. Horror Club      4. Fusion Cuisine      3. House Guest      2. Sadie’s Song      1. Island Adventure

(I’m almost happy there’s no promo art for this one, because hot damn do I love this pic from Dark Tarou.)

#kindergarten kid #steven universe #su #steven universally #review

[hellomynameisbisexual]

I’M BISEXUAL AND I HAVE ANXIETY AND I’M NOT ALONE

To know me is to know a few key things about me. It is hard to get through an introduction, a first date or meeting with me without walking away having learned a few choice facts. I’m opinionated, stubborn, and (I think) I am funny. I’m sarcastic, and tend to lean towards the pessimistic side of things. I’m one of the few people I know who is unafraid to grow up to turn into their mother because I think my mother is a saint.

We all have things that are so key, so integral to who we are, that we wear them right on the surface, like a collection of statement pins on a lapel.

My metaphorical pins say things like “Smash the patriarchy.” “Gender roles make me sad,” “Colorado native,” and “I like dogs more than people.” Two of the most important say “Bi Pride” and “Anxious is my permanent state.”

Yes, I am bi and I have an anxiety disorder, and I’m not ashamed.

Growing up, there were hints pointing to both my anxious tendencies and my bisexuality. They are both things I struggled to understand and, once I did understand, they seemed impossible to explain to other people. Both are also things many people refuse to believe exist; or, if people acknowledge their existence, they have too many mistaken preconceived notions to see them clearly.

I remember feeling my first attraction towards women when I was eight years old watching, of all things, the “Lady Marmalade” music video starring Maya, Lil Kim, Pink, and Christina Aguilera. That was the first hint I can specifically recall about my bisexuality.

The first hint I can recall of my anxiety was at age 10 when I couldn’t figure out my math homework. I had learned the concepts earlier that day and they seemed to make sense then, but as soon as I got home it all went right out of my head. It was taking so long, and I was so tired. The pressure to get it done and to get it done right was overwhelming. Now, over a decade later, I still remember sobbing, gasping for breath, pulling on my hair, and trying to explain my frustration to my terrified mother.

I began the coming-out process at 18, while wrapping up my senior year of high school. It seemed like a long time coming. I’d been finding myself having infatuations with girls in my school for years, and finally came to realize I was totally head-over-heels for one of my female best friends. It had been confusing, especially with the “girl crush” idea my generation was peddling. I eventually figured out that what I was feeling was a consistent attraction pattern not limited by gender. And once Grey’s Anatomy’s Callie Torres gave me a word for it and a quality example of it, I was good to go. My anxiety took longer to figure out.

My sophomore year of college I decided to move in with someone I’d just met. We seemed to really hit it off and we thought living together would be a dream. Sadly, it didn’t take long for me to realize that our personalities and idiosyncrasies didn’t match up quite like we’d hoped. Tension grew and eventually I reached a point where I began to feel my stomach turn at the idea of returning to my dorm room. My heart rate would increase and my breathing would become shallow. I felt completely out of control. It was my roommate explaining their own anxiety disorder to me that helped me translate what these symptoms meant.

We stopped cohabiting at the end of that school year, but the sparks of anxiety I’d felt over the years became a full-blown fire. It’s still a daily fight.

I am bi and I struggle with an anxiety disorder. Now, although I have grown to understand and accept both of these facts, they remain strange and oftentimes unfathomable to others. And they each come with their own set of stigmas.

Telling people I’m bi means hearing people tell me in return that bisexuality is greedy, and being bi inherently makes me slutty or more likely to cheat. It means being treated as too gay for the straight community, but too straight for the gay community. It means having to explain that no matter whom I end up with, I have not “picked a side.”

Telling people I have anxiety means having people underestimate me or think I’m too weak to handle what they can. It means having people feel as though they must walk on eggshells around me, as if I am likely to break at any moment. It means having others undermine my own experiences by saying things like “Oh, I get a little anxious too, sometimes. We all do! We all have anxiety sometimes.”

Yes, I am bi and I have an anxiety disorder. While both have been occasional sources of stress and confusion over the years, in both cases I can take comfort in community. Much like there are far more bisexual folks wandering around this planet than most people would expect, there are plenty of anxious folks, too. I can feel at home when there’s Pride festivals and LGBT clubs and bi resources all over the internet. I can feel understood when there’s group therapy and online forums and blogs about anxious life.

In my short time on this planet so far, I’ve learned that community can be one of the most powerful resources we have as human beings, and that our instinct to reach out to each other is one that cannot and should not be ignored. I’ve learned that when things get tough, I can find a home in supportive communities if I take a look around, reach out, and share my story with others. I’ve learned that we must encourage each other to do the same. There’s a great deal of beautiful variety in the human race, and that should be a source of pride for us all, never a source of shame. We all have unique qualities and face unique challenges, but we also all have a great deal in common. Community means supporting our differences and bonding over our similarities.

I am bisexual and I have anxiety and I’m not alone. And neither are you.

#anxitey #anxious #bisexual pride #biseuxal #bi curious #bisexuality #bisexual men #bisexual community #bisexual visibility #bisexual awareness

[writingsp]

Remembering the Boundaries: Chapter One

Remembering the Boundaries

Summary:  Kyle was in love with Kenny, but Kenny didn't feel the same way. Then, when Kenny gets amnesia, suddenly he's paying attention to him the way in which he'd always wanted him. It was what he'd always wanted, but it was wrong. What would anyone do with Kenny looking at them in such a way? He can't act on it. Not until the memories return. But then, so would the boundaries

Pairing: K2, Kenny/Kyle

Warnings: Drive-by shooting, Coma, Amnesia

Chapter One:

 Light taps of finger pads against a right thigh was the only outward sign of Kyle's inward stress. The same pattern over and over, one finger after another tapped against the fabric of his jeans, their light weight allowing only the most minuscule acknowledgement physically on his body. Yet, these fingers were the only thing keeping the redhead in his place on the couch and not running straight out the door. And only he and Stan knew it.

 Tap, tap tap, tap, they padded against the tense thigh. One after another, Kyle's focus stayed heavily on the movements, barely having the sense to flip page after page of his now-hazy textbook. Words unfocused and eyes blurring them together further and further with each sound of the room's only coupling making out on the carpet to the right of the redhead's seat.

 Each kiss seemed to last forever, and each moan was in slow motion. And with each sound, the fingers began their pattern from the beginning once more. Just as the session of lips pressed together continued against the yells of a too-focused Cartman on his new video game and Stan's ever-lasting crunches of the endless; crinkly bag of chips, the tapping continued with just as much fever and devotion.

 This continued, just as it did for each gathering of the small group that included a girl hanging off the only blond of the group. Each tap a distraction to pull him from the envious thoughts swirling through his mind just as rapid and forceful as the day they began.

 Tap, tap tap, tap, tap...

 It was bearable, but only just. Crossed legs, tense with the pull of muscle to keep from becoming just as jittery as his fingers. Just as the same pull kept the rest of his body from bolting from his seat and out of the awkward setting. Awkward only to him, he knew, but still too full of the stiff air for him not to feel suffocated by proximity of the couple.

 With each movement stifled with a forced tight stiffness, it hurt when the sudden scream of victory from the red-coated teen in front of the TV had Kyle starting harshly. "Goddammit..." he said out of habit alone.

 He felt eyes on him before he glanced up, noting the concerned look of his best friend and facing it with a frown of his own. Stan only shrugged in reply, before turning back to the game he'd been playing against Cartman. Kyle sighed softly, his tapping having stopped with the unexpected scare. Distraction no more, green eyes surveyed the random page of his textbook slightly more steadily than they had prior.

 The words, logically, made sense apart from each other, but with a muffled laugh continuing nearby, Kyle found each word's meaning lost. Muddled definitions changed quickly to jumbled letters and lost placement of sentence structure. Blurred and uneven paragraphs daunted on him as he tried in vain to make sense of the pages. Fingers touched the edge of the paper uncertainly before flipping the book forward quickly.

 The next page began with a sentence he could read, but with a mewl of affection from the only girl in the room, it too became too hazed to read. Instead, the page took away the letters completely, this time replacing them with bold; black lines. He squinted, the beginning edges of the words he knew to be there was all that remained of the text.

 "Oh..."

 The low sound had his concentration on the sound in the room amplifying as his eyes lost track of where they were once settled. A blink cleared only so much before warm palms pressed against his eyes comfortingly. The rubbed them with a small amount of roughness in the gesture, a bit of frustration finding its way into the familiar movement.

 A few more blinks later and Kyle found the book legible once again. But by now, it was too late to try to catch up on his reading. With a lost placement in the chapter and a lack of notes-other than the hastily scribbled name and date-told him it was time to leave Cartman's house and forego staying the night once again.

 And if anyone but Stan noticed his lack of hours spent in his friends' company, they had never made it known. Just as he doubted they would anytime soon. 

 Taking only a little time to check his phone's lack of messages and stage a quick reply that never actually occurred, Kyle placed his belongings in the messenger bag that had been swung over the couch's arm. And with a grace that betrayed his current mentality, he pulled the strap of his bag over his opposite shoulder and stood from the couch to walk to the front door.

 He ignored Stan as he did this, walking slowly to the door so as not to arouse much suspicion, knowing the other was watching his movements with the same sad knowing look he always did. Normally, he'd at least try to let Stan what was on his mind, but this time he couldn't bring himself to admit how bothered he was with the entire situation.

 He was supposed to be applying to colleges and keeping close to his friends while they still had the time to do so; not running off on them and letting some of his grades slip right before the end of the year. He knew it wasn't fair to them, and to his mother who'd watched over every paper he'd ever written with great care for his college choices to vary for whatever career he chose to pursue.

 And here he was fucking it all up in one swoop in the final semester of high school he'd ever take. All because he was uncomfortable and in absolute envy over every single girl with which Kenny found himself. And it was all because he was an absolute fucking idiot about his feelings.

 Girls with his friends, even ones with which he found himself crushing on, had never been so bad. It was the fact he had acted on those emotions that tore him apart. 

 It'd been a cold winter's afternoon, school called off early for an ice warning. Snowflakes flew in flurries, hitting Kyle's forehead as he looked up at the cloudy sky. Him and Kenny being the last to still use the bus, they had the walk home to themselves. Kenny was quiet, an earbud in one ear as he listened to his teen angst music. 

 He paused in his walk, still looking to the sky. All day he'd watched the other in secret, had seen him tell another conquest how she wasn't his girlfriend, that he wasn't interested in her that way. It'd opened a possibility. Maybe he was interested in someone else. Or, at the very least, open for someone else in his life. Right? 

 His heart pounded in his chest, pulse beating in his ears as he glanced at the blond. Kenny stopped as if he could sense his eyes. He gave him a curious look, "Kye?" 

 There was a second of silence among them before Kyle looked away. His cheeks burned. "Kenny..." he started. 

 "What is it?" 

The confident part of himself drove away the nervous part. He refused to continue being this emotional mess. He had to know. Words escaped him though, not knowing exactly how to spill his feelings without sounding like the mess that he was. So, he acted instead.

With a step, the small distance between them was closed. His lips chastely met Kenny's warm ones. A peck, small but assuring in what it had to say. It sent a jolt nevertheless, pulse fast as the shock slowed. He saw the shock in the other's eyes first before he saw the sadness. Kenny looked away as if he couldn't stand to look at him. 

He felt broken. His legs felt wobbly then, and his entire being felt as if cold water had been splashed against him in the cool air of the outside. He shook. 

"I'm sorry, I just-" 

"Kyle," Kenny interrupted. "I don't feel that way-I mean-I like you..." 

"As a friend," was left unsaid but known by them both. Kyle nodded, frustration with himself panning out over the dampening emotional spiral. He felt dizzy. He would do anything to turn invisible at this moment. 

"I just had to know," it was half to Kenny, half to himself. 

Would their friendship withstand? Did he just ruin something he once thought an unbreakable bond? His logical side knew the embarrassment wouldn't last, that Kenny wouldn't hold it against him. But every other side of him screamed otherwise. 

 Kenny spoke again just as he started to walk away, words keeping Kyle still in place. "This doesn't-it doesn't change anything." Kenny said assuredly, but with a noticeable voice break in the middle, as if it had been him who'd kissed the other. "I just can't think of you like that, Kyle. I never could." 

 The words hurt worse than they had any right to, and his frame trembled further. He needed to go home. His throat felt like a knife had been sawed into it, rendering speech useless. He nodded in its stead, staying faced away from the other. 

 He swore to himself the wetness in his eyes was from anything but tears. Everything except them. 

 Except that it wasn't something small, not at all. It was far from anything Kyle had experienced with his brief adoration of either gender. It was more than a crush. And even though he acknowledged this, he'd never truly admit just how fully he felt for the perverted asshole.

 And it was with this embarrassment and absolute envy that found Kyle slamming the door just a little too harshly when Kenny finally spoke since he'd entered the house, "Where'd Kyle go?"

 And it was with this same embarrassment that Kyle found himself unable to go back inside to grab his forgotten coat. He'd just have to hope Stan would pick it up for him later and give it back to him personally. In any other house he might've come back inside the next day, but being that this was Cartman's house and therefore not a regular person's house he refused outright to enter it and ask for his coat back. In fact, he could already hear Cartman asking him to say something stupid in order to be allowed his possession returned to him.-The jackass. Not that Kyle wouldn't also do it to Cartman had the other boy done the same at his house, but still.-The jackass.

 Walking fast, it took little time to get to his house from Cartman's, being as it wasn't even three minutes away on a bad day. But even with him being as cold as he was, he halted just outside the door, and just in time to hear a voice yell, "Kyle!"

 His hand tightened on the coarse texture of his bag's strap, body turning back to the front yard from which he'd just entered. "Hello?" he said to the outside, wondering if his mind was playing a joke on him.

 But it wasn't, "Dude, you forgot your jacket!" Kyle recognized the voice easily this time as Kenny's. And it wasn't but a second later that the blond entered his line of sight with the aforementioned coat in hand.

 "Thanks." Kyle said steadily, walking down his stairs to take the fabric from the blond's hand. But one tug later found Kyle staring at the hand that had yet to let go of the coat. "You can let go now," he prompted.

 "Not until you tell me what's been up with you lately." Kenny demanded.

 "What do you mean, we see each other everyday, you know what's been going on," Kyle responded without missing a beat.

 "Dude, you know what I mean," Kenny supplied, tugging the jacket completely free from Kyle's grasp.

 Kyle gave him an agitated look, only to have the same look given in response. "Nothing, classes are just bullshit right now."

 The confident reply wasn't enough however, as Kenny saw through it immediately. "They are, but they've always been shitty. That doesn't cover why you keep leaving early. Dude, it's our last year together, and you've spent more time on homework and at your house alone than with your best friends. What the Hell is wrong with you?"

 Kyle knew he hadn't meant anything bad by the response, logically. But his mind wasn't thinking logically, at least, wasn't latching onto what he knew as logical. The information flew away in a fit of emotion just as it tended to do when he argued. "What do you care? You've been spending everyday lip locked with every girl in school. I've hardly heard you say two words in a week."

 Kenny gave an aggravated look, one Kyle felt himself beginning to already respond to-until the look disappeared to leave a sad one in its place. Kyle sighed at it, looking away, knowing he'd said the wrong thing with the gesture alone. "Kyle..."

 The sound was so sad, so solemn that he cringed with the word. He knew what was coming next, a long ass speech that made both of them feel so shitty that they couldn't look at each other for a week or two. At least, Kyle couldn't bring himself to do it.

 There was an intake of air before, BANG. Kyle's head jerked up faster than he'd thought humanly possible, eyes widening to take in whatever it was that made the loud noise. A pang of nerves pushed through his entire body at once, eyes meeting the wide; surprised ones of his friend. Blood was flying as a visible shock went through Kenny's entire system.

 Kyle could only watch in horror as the sound of quick tires against concrete was released. And with it the car sped away, the bullet in Kenny's chest and skid marks on the road the only signs a driveby shooting had been the cause of what was about to be the other's death. 

 With reflexes alone Kyle grabbed the jacket from the shaking palm, pressing the fabric against the hole in Kenny's body. Blood filled it quickly, the orange tint fading to a dirty red. Pressing harder, Kyle looked into Kenny's wide eyes.

 "You're okay-You're g-gonna be okay." he said in what sounded like a quiet voice. But his ears still rang from the shot, and he was sure Kenny was too in shock to notice anyway.

 "You're gonna be okay, Kenny." he assured again anyway. "I promise."

 It was all he could do, hold down the blood until his someone-anyone who'd heard the shot-came running to see the cause. So, he waited, about to pull his hand from the wound to grab a phone when a hand on his shoulder had him starting. Both hands still frozen, he looked up to see Ike standing behind him. He was saying something-but what Kyle wasn't sure. His mouth was moving too rapidly to make sense of it and the ringing in his ears now covered every noise the world could make.

 It wasn't until an ambulance showed and two masculine arms pulled him away from the body that Kyle began to hyperventilate. 

 -0-

 When Kenny woke, a stiff soreness met each of his limbs. It was as if he'd spent an entire day doing nothing but exercising without rest. Each muscle was strained and each limb was pushing into the cushion beneath him so heavily they felt unable to move from their spot. Not that, with the pain, Kenny would have done so anyway. 

 With this bodily awareness, his ears began to pound, and each sense came into being once more. This began slowly, the loud buzzing of his ears lowering, tongue moving around a dry mouth hesitantly, eyes flickering back and forth beneath heavy lids. 

 And with each sense beginning to become aware came a mindfulness that hadn't been there before this moment. It hurt. Thoughts fuzzy and uncontrolled, each tried to grasp at the questions floating in his mind only resulted in unreachable, airy results. 

 What was going on? 

 His brain searched for the answer, wondering just how he ended up wherever he was feeling the way he did. But when the thoughts just gave him more questions, he tried to get answers another way. 

 Eyes were heavy, literally and otherwise. Feeling as if lifting them was lifting a full sandy weight, blue eyes opened to squint in the white light. He blinked in quick and rapid succession, a buzzing in his ears settling as the light subsided. He breathed out, eyes opening more fully. Head lulled to the side, eyes taking in a rounded form just in front of him.  

 Blinking again, he found the form taking a more human shape. The buzzing pushed away from his ears, leaving beeps from what he assumed to be a machine in its wake. The shape became completely human, blurred colors now dedicated lines. 

 The first thought that came fully was just how appreciative he was for that ass. The closest arm strained against invisible weight, pushing against it and moving toward the ass in front of him. Satisfied, a nearly numb hand found the rounded area, and groped it fully. 

 "Ah!" Kyle stated, starting as he stopped mid-conversation with Stan. "Are you guys fucking with me right now?" he asked, a hand pushing at the one squeezing against his buttocks. "I'm seriously not in the mood, seriously, what the fuck, Cartman?" 

 "What?" Stan asked, eyebrows furrowing before his eyes turned toward the area behind Kyle after the redhead drew attention to it. 

 Kyle turned, reddened cheeks turning white as he took in the all-too-awake Kenny on the bed behind him. "Kenny!" But that meant-He turned to either side, and finding no one else, his blush returned. What the Hell was Kenny playing at? He didn't know whether to ignore the gesture from before or to call attention to it angrily. 

 Kenny shouldn't mess with him like that, not after saying what he had... 

 But then Kenny spoke, and Kyle's anger only left shock. 

 "Who's Kenny?" 

#K2 #fanfiction #fanfic #south park #sp #chapter one #remembering the boundaries #amnesia

[thedefinitionofbts]

In Your Eyes

Pairings: Jeon Jungkook x Reader ft. the rest of BTS

Genre: Fluff, Comedy, Drabble

Words: 2.5K

Description: Jungkook is not adept at interacting with girls, especially not ones he’s been crushing on for years. 

A/N: Because I really needed this after all the Jungkook angst. 

“Doing 10 more reps is not going to make you feel any better you know.”

Jungkook grunts, before placing the weight back on the rack. 

“You’ve been at it for hours. Take a break man.” Seokjin takes another sip from his water bottle, using the towel draped over his shoulder to wipe the trickle of sweat that’s started to run down from his forehead.

It had only been a couple of weeks ago that Seokjin started dragging the younger male along with him to the gym. He thought it’d take more convincing, but the mention of girls being attracted to fit guys was all it took to get Jungkook off the couch he’s been playing video games on for the past few months. He didn’t expect Jungkook to become this obsessed with weight training, didn’t think the nerd had it in him, but boy was he wrong. 

“I’m this close to hitting my goal body fat percentage.” Jungkook sits up from the bench and grabs his usual blend of protein powder and mineral water, biceps twitching as he lifts the bottle to pour the liquid down his throat.

“Don’t tell me you’re already treating this like gaming stats.”

“You need to have goals in your life.” 

“What’s the point? You don’t even take shirtless post-workout selfies.” Seokjin turns to face the mirror and begins stretching, admiring his self-proclaimed perfect face in the process. “And if you think your newly developed muscles are going to just translate over to your nonexistent social skills, I have some bad news for you bro.” 

“I just want to see improvement ok?” Jungkook defends, walking over to the next station. 

“You seriously think I don’t know the real reason you’re pushing yourself so hard?” Seokjin glances over to eye the sweaty boy who’s now moved on to legs. “You literally hid behind a bush when you saw her walking towards you last week.”

“I was still in my sweaty gym clothes!” Jungkook exclaims, as if it could pass as an excuse. 

“And what about the time you kept laughing after everything she said, even when it wasn’t meant to be funny?

“I was nervous.”

“When are you not when you’re around her?”

Jungkook doesn’t have a response to that. He knows Seokjin knows. There’s no point in hiding the fact that he’s harbored a crush on you since he saw you walking down the halls for the first time in high school.

“Do you want me to just talk to her for you?”

“What the hell? No!” Jungkook snaps back. “I mean, what would you even say?”

“Umm, hey Y/N, I have a friend who’s a couple years younger than both you and I. You know that kid who’s super awkward around new people and especially you because he’s had a huge crush on you for years now. So…you interested in going on a date with him?” Seokjin cracks up, unrestrained windshield wiper laugh reverberating through the gym making some annoyed heads turn.

“Fuck off” Jungkook mutters, rolling his eyes.

“Hey, I’m just trying to help.”

“Remind me why we’re friends?”

“Because I’m in the same year as her, and you kept asking me for updates when I left for college and you were still stuck in high school.”

Jungkook groans, he knew that decision would come back to haunt him, but he just couldn’t help himself back then could he?

 …

 “Dude” Taehyung sighs. “Just ask her out. The worst she can say is no.” He proceeds to pick up his controller after stuffing a hand full of chips into his mouth, talking mid-chew with eyes still glued to the screen.

“I can’t. It’ll crush every dream I’ve ever had.” Jungkook tilts his head up and squeezes his eyes shut. “And not in that way! You know what I mean!” He quickly adds before Taehyung’s eccentric mind can run off to god knows where. 

“You’re acting like her rejecting you is the end of the world.” The older male huffs, leaning back on the couch the two of them were huddled on. 

“It is!” Jungkook cries, burying his face in his hands.  

Taehyung shakes his head. “You’re so whipped. Just look at yourself. Training your ass off with Seokjin, wearing clothes you used to hate just because you think she might like guys who dress fancy.” Taehyung stops playing and turns to Jungkook. “Name brands were always my thing.”

“I borrowed that weird patterned shirt one time!” Jungkook exasperates, recalling how hideous he thought it was; yet still forcing himself to throw it on despite it not being his preferred style. “You’re never going to let it go are you?”

“It was Gucci!” Taehyung exasperates, making a clearly offended face.

 …

 “The way you literally choke on your words every time you try to say hi to her, does not match all of this.” Jimin gestures towards Jungkook’s perfectly proportioned body.

“What?” Jungkook crossed his arms defensively, making his practically see through white button up crinkle near the chest area.  

Jimin huffs a shortened laugh. “In case you actually don’t own a mirror-which sometimes I question if you do, you’re fucking hot.” Jimin’s voice echoes throughout the empty dance studio. He’s stopped stretching his legs and has begun examining his own hair in the mirror, running a hand through his soft locks and making sure they look on point like always.

The door to the studio opens and a sleepy Hoseok walks in. “All I heard is ‘you’re fucking hot’, and I don’t want to know the context.” He says as he drops his bag and begins changing into more comfortable shoes.  

“Hobi! You’re late.” Jimin accuses.  

“I worked an overnight shift.” The older male responds, letting out a long exhale before starting his routine warm-up.

“I see you’re back to Timberlands” Hoseok comments as he eyes Jungkook’s boots, clearly remembering Namjoon’s comment on how the boy is recently changing up his sense of fashion.

“I-I never moved on from them,” Jungkook says feeling a bit embarrassed as he looks down at his favorite pair of shoes. He knew he was going to be in the dance studio all day, so there was no need to dress to impress because he wouldn’t be seeing anyone (especially not you) except Hoseok and Jimin.

“He only dresses up when there’s a chance to run into you know who.” Jimin blurts out, causing the youngest male to run up and tackle him.

“Who? Y/N?” Hoseok asks raising a brow, interest sparked for the first time since he got out of bed today.

“Yeah, he thinks it’ll get her to notice him.”

“Hyung!” Jungkook whines.

“Hey, I wasn’t finished yet. I was about to add how unnecessary it is when you look good in everything anyways.“ Jimin flashes him an angelic smile, making Jungkook loosen his hold on him.  

“Oh, so that’s why you’ve been acting so weird lately.” Hoseok comes to realization. “Can’t blame you though, she’s really pretty and like what, 3 years older?”

“Almost 4” Jimin corrects.

Jungkook feels like he wants to crawl into a hole and never come out. Why were his friends like this? God, he shouldn’t have been so obvious about his crush on you, but he was never good at hiding his true feelings, especially not when his hyungs were all so observant. 

 …

  “Namjoon?” Jungkook begins to ask. “You think you could help me, uh, compose a song or something?”

Namjoon glances up from his laptop. “Yeah, sure. But can I ask why you suddenly want to do something I’ve been trying to spark your interest in for ages?”

“Oh no reason, just I, uh, wanted to, I mean…I-I like music?” Jungkook mentally curses for being so non-covert.

Namjoon chuckles lightly. “You want to write a song for Y/N right?” Namjoon grins, hitting the target and getting straight to the point.

“I-I….yeah…I guess that’s what I was considering.” Jungkook admits.

“Of course I’ll help, but you should probably allow her to get to know you before gifting her a random love song.” Namjoon laughs again. “That might just scare her off.”

“Y-yeah, I’m working on that.” Jungkook knows he’s hopeless. He’ll never gather the courage to actually talk to you, not when he’s barely able to look you in the eye when he’s attempting to just say hi. “I’m just bad at expressing my feelings or just talking to girls in general.”

Namjoon smiles warmly, dimples forming on the sides of his cheeks. “Honestly though, the best way is to just be yourself.” He encourages. “I’m sure she’ll find a lot of things about you to be charming.”

  …

  Jungkook’s never been one to strike up random conversations with strangers, but he figures Yoongi was just giving him a chance to practice honing his social skills. That is, until he sees you walking into the coffee shop. He immediately diverts his eyes, training his gaze onto the cars passing by outside and hoping that you’re not actually walking towards their table.

Yoongi didn’t mention who the person joining you guys was, and he prays his horrible instincts are being their normal horrible selves and that you won’t-

“Yoongi!”

This can’t be happening.

“Y/N!” Jungkook can practically see the signature half-smile plastered on Yoongi’s face, but no, he refuses to turn and acknowledge the reality of the situation.

No, this is not happening. Maybe if he closes his eyes-

“You’re Jungkook, right?” He hears the sweet melody of a females voice drift to his ears.

Fuck.

“H-h-hi” Jungkook says, clearing his throat and shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Glad you could make it, Y/N.” Yoongi says, smiling as if nothing was wrong, and pretending like this was the most natural situation he could’ve thrown the youngster in, and not purposefully set up at all. “I wanted to officially introduce the two of you. I know you’ve already met, but-”

Yoongi’s phone vibrates before he can finish. Jungkook watches intently as the male looks down and checks the message. “Oh, looks like Namjoon janked up the microwave again. I gotta go fix that shit before the guy starves or burns down the apartment trying to cook.” Yoongi puts on a fake sad face.

Yoongi can’t be leaving. Jungkook’s eyes widen in horror.

“You guys don’t mind if I head out right?”

Jungkook opens his mouth to protest but you reply before he has the chance to.

“Oh yeah, you go ahead. We’ll be fine.” You smile at Jungkook who glances at you shyly before fixing his large doe-eyes back on the empty table in front of him.

Yoongi sighs. “The guy has an IQ of a genius, but he’s a total klutz.”

Jungkook hears you laugh, but he’s sweating so much he wonders why the fucking AC in the shop feels like it’s turned off when it’s actually on full blast.  

 …

 “So you’re a college freshman now, right?” You turn to Jungkook after Yoongi leaves, trying to focus on creating a lighter mood. You’ve always known he was the extremely introverted type, someone who takes a while to open up.

“Y-yeah, starting soon, classes starting-” You giggle at the way he squeezes his eyes shut and mutters something under his breathe when his sentence doesn’t come out coherently.

“Hey, well congrats on surviving high school.” You still remember seeing him in the hallways back then, the scrawny kid who would look away every time you waved at him. You had asked Seokjin about it, but the older male just said he was a shy one. Seeing him act the same way now was utterly endearing, and you liked how his sweet personality hasn’t changed despite the noticeable transformation in his physique.

“High school, yeah.” Jungkook mutters. “Y-you’re uh, almost done with college right?” Jungkook winces at the way the pitch of his voice gradually got higher as he finished that last sentence. Because puberty still likes to pay him random visits now and then.  

You giggle again. “Yup, I’m in my last year, but I’ll be attending grad school at the same university.”

Jungkook’s eyebrows lift in surprise. “T-that means you’ll still be here…”

“Mmm-hm” You hum in confirmation. “So if you ever need help with school, hit me up.”

“Y-you’d do that?”

“Of course. We’ve known each other long enough.” You reply nonchalantly.

“Hehe, y-yeah. Known each other…”

“You know, on the outside you look like the type of guy who would just fuck a girl and leave, but on the inside you’re like super nerdy and a complete jokester with your friends. Am I right?” You give him a knowing look.

Jungkook’s jaw drops.

“Sorry, I should’ve been more refined with that statement. I guess what I’m trying to say is, you totally seem like the type who’s super soft but hides under a hardened shell.” You watch as an astonished expression washes over his face. “It’s the vibe you always given off.”

You still remember the days he was always dressed in a hoodie too big for him or that white shirt he must either continuously wash or own several of the same kind. You briefly wonder why he’s recently stopped sporting the style that you’ve grown to associate him with.

“Always?” He wonders how long you’ve been analyzing him to come up with such an accurate portrayal. He’s usually misunderstood.

“Yeah, ever since I first saw you back in high school. And I totally thought you hated me or something.” You chuckle, recalling how he seemed to avoid you at all costs. “You don’t actually… hate me right?” You slowly lift your eyes to meet his, waiting for a response.

“No!” Jungkook answers quicker than his reflexes can even allow. “Y/N, I’ve actually liked you since high school. Like, like-like. And I’m just so nervous around you and super socially awkward in general, and I didn’t want to come off weird and shit. Uh, fuck.” He blurts out, finally revealing his feelings that he’s kept hidden from you for so long. It’s the most embarrassing thing he’s done to date, and he swears he’ll hide away from society for good after this day. “Haha, wow, I can’t believe I just said that.” He bites his bottom lip, feeling his cheeks blossom into the darkest shade of rose that’s physically possible.

You feel your heart skip a beat as his confession, a feeling that gradually spreads as a soothing warmth throughout your chest. “A-actually, I have too.” You admit, voice soft and shy, much like his is 90% of the time.

Jungkook is speechless at that moment, just gaping at you for what feels like an eternity because this obviously can’t be real.

“W-what?” Jungkook feels like he’s in a dream. How was this possible? There’s no way you could’ve just admitted that you’ve had a crush on him too, and since fucking high school. This can’t be real. This can’t.

“Jungkook, I’ve liked you since then too.” You repeat, firmer this time because he looks like he’s in a daze. 

Jungkook has to swallow before replying because he’s still in the most shocked state he ever been in. “R-really?”

You nod, eyes gazing into his with a sincere resolve.

“Shit. I can’t believe. Wow.” Jungkook doesn’t know what to do with himself in that moment, but he’s so fucking relieved he feels like someone just transported him to heaven. This was actually real. “Wait, d-does that mean you’ll, uh… go out-”

“Yes, Jungkook.” You smile tenderly. “The answer is yes.”

...

#jungkook scenarios #bts scenarios #jungkook fanfic #bts fanfic #jungkook x reader #jungkook fluff #bts drabble #jungkook drabble #bts fluff #jeon jungkook #jungkook #jeongguk #bts

[youholditalltogether]

On attachment

Excerpt from Chapter 18 - The Girl Behind The Door by John Brooks

Several of Casey’s friends had formed a bluegrass band called the Itchy Mountain Men. They developed quite a following, landing gigs, performing on the radio, and even cutting a CD. Casey considered herself a groupie.

They had a gig at Old St. Hilary’s Church in Tiburon. Built in 1888, a good century before that finger of land became populated with multimillion-dollar homes, it was a simple Carpenter Gothic-style chapel that seated about a hundred people.

They were to play on Saturday, and Casey spent most of the afternoon obsessing over how best to doll herself up for a special night out. Her floor was littered with outfits. She summoned Erika - who was suffering from a virus - for help, only to banish her moments later when she couldn’t magically make Casey look “gorgeous enough.” Casey called off the entire evening, dissolving into tears in her room, and then pulled herself back together.

The show started at 9:00 and it was 8:15. She was supposed to be picked up by her girlfriends at 8:30. The last fifteen minutes were a frantic rush to finish up hair, makeup, and the third outfit, which was also the first outfit - the usual tomato-colored quilted hoodie, skinny jeans, suede boots, and a touch of Eau de Perfume.

At 8:25, Casey’s tears were gone, and she was happy, ready, and waiting by the front door for her ride. Then she blurted out, “You guys should come!”

We were taken aback. For so long Casey had fought to distance herself from us. Erika was too sick to leave the house. I was thrilled to be invited, but what was the protocol? Should I pretend not to know her?

“Dad, you’ll have to take a separate car.”

I was still happy to accept her invitation. “Of course, honey.”

Old St. Hilary’s was full to capacity by the time I arrived. Body heat generated more than sufficient warmth on that cold January night. The air in the chapel was thick and noisy with anticipation as I made my way from the front door to the end of the pews where I hoped to find a seat. I saw familiar faces in the crowd from church or school, all the way back to Casey’s kindergarten class.

I took a seat where I could see the stage and peer over the people in front of me to look for Casey. I caught her at the foot of the stage with her girlfriends, chatting contentedly, falling into them and laughing. It was heartening to see her so genuinely happy. But I was afraid she’d see me, so I ducked down. I didn’t want to embarrass her in front of her friends.

Hidden by the people in front of me, I watched as she broke off her conversation, turned around, and craned her neck in my direction. She spotted me in the crowd, lit up, and didn’t hide her face. Instead she waved excitedly in my direction.

I must have been starved for her affection like a lovesick boy, because all I could think about was that she’d acknowledged me. I contemplated for a moment the years of fighting, the ugliness, the crying, the worrying, and the hurtful words. But all she had to do was acknowledge my existence as her dad in a crowd and I’d forget everything.

She’d be fine.

I felt like the luckiest guy in the world.

Chapter 19 - The Girl Behind The Door by John Brooks

In the days following the horrific morning in January 2009 - just weeks after the concert at Old St. Hilary’s - I’d become obsessed with a single question:

Why?

I drifted through each day and went to bed each night thinking about her, torturing myself with guilt, drowning in soul-crushing grief. Sometimes, as if a protective mechanism in my brain had kicked in, I imagined that this was all a dream. I’d wake up to find her asleep in her room. Then I’d suffer a jolt to the chest.

The Coast Guard called off the search for her body after just two days; something about the currents being too strong - the ocean would be Casey’s grave.

I felt a reflexive gag as I wrote her obituary.

I endlessly relived and dissected the events of the weekend before her death. Erika and I both had been fighting with Casey, starting with something seemingly trivial - a rude remark or refusal to clean up after herself; I hardly even remember. Things spun out of control. As tension mounted between us, Casey had spat out, “Asshole! Motherfucker!” She threatened to run away and live on the streets.

And my response? I got in her face and yelled at her like a drill sergeant, “Good! Go ahead!” I slammed her door, leaving her alone in her room, sobbing convulsively.

Later that night, I passed through the living room on my way to bed. She sat curled up on the sofa, staring hard at the TV, her eyes red and swollen from crying. We exchanged frosty glances.

And that was the last time I saw her.

~

That last ugly exchange screamed through my head. If I hadn’t yelled at her, she might not have been so upset. If I hadn’t ignored her on my way to bed, I might have thought twice, taken back my harsh words, and told her I didn’t mean those nasty things. If I hadn’t slept that extra half hour the next morning, I might have gotten to her room sooner, seen the note, and alerted the police in time.

But I did none of those things.

We’d had knock-down, drag-out fights since Casey was in grade school and they never ended in a catastrophe like this. She’d usually stomp off to her room. There were no clues that weekend that could have shed light on how she’d shifted so suddenly from “infuriated at Dad” to suicidal.

~

Some people suspected that drugs had played a role in Casey’s suicide, but Erika and I had our doubts. Despite our numerous busts, we’d never seen her out-of-control stoned or drunk, and she’d never been to rehab. She wasn’t on any prescription medication at the time and wasn’t out partying Monday night. Early Tuesday morning, she managed to drive the Saab to the bridge. The last video images captured her smoking a cigarette and jogging out onto the pedestrian walkway - not exactly the kind of behavior I’d associate with someone high on drugs. She easily climbed over that four-foot railing and, according to the police report, stood for ten to fifteen seconds before stepping off to her death. What could have gone through her mind in those crucial seconds before she made that fatal choice?

~

Casey’s friends were as shell-shocked as we were. After her memorial service at St. Stephen’s Church in Belvedere, an event that drew an overflow crowd, there was a reception in the parish hall. It was an awkward affair, with other parents struggling for words. It seemed we’d become separated by a glass wall. Was it pity, empathy, judgment, or terror that was in their faces? We couldn't tell. Perhaps the suicide of a child was just too toxic for people to handle. It raised the horrifying specter of contagion.

As the adults drifted away, Casey’s friends circled around us. The collateral damage from her death was etched into their faces. They seemed to be looking for something from us. Perhaps they wanted to talk.

“Do you guys know anything about why she did it?” I asked.

They shook their heads and mumbled a collective “No.”

Why would she have kept her close friends in the dark? “I don’t get it. She was so close to freedom. I thought that’s what she wanted.”

Everyone stared at the floor until her friend Julian spoke. “I don't think that Casey had any intention of going to Bennington.”

Erika and I exchanged startled glances. “What makes you say that” I asked.

“It’s hard to explain,” he said. “I think she just wanted to prove to herself and everyone else that she could get in.”

Julian made an interesting point. But why would someone get what they wanted and then throw it all away?

...

I’d always thought that if someone was bent on taking his or her life, nothing would stop them. But I’ve since learned that suicide is often impulsive - a transient urge. Once the impulse passed and the victim had an opportunity to reconsider, the chances were good that he or she wouldn’t try again.

But Casey did try again. Less than thirty-six hours after she’d sent that text she went back. Her jump - her despair - had not been impulsive. There was something deeper.

...

Chapter 21 - The Girl Behind The Door by John Brooks

A man receives only what he is ready to receive, whether physically or intellectually or morally, as animals conceive at certain seasons their kind only. We hear and apprehend only what we already half know . . . Every man thus tracks himself through life, in all his hearing and reading and observation and travelling. His observations make a chain. The phenomenon or fact that cannot in any wise be linked with the rest of what he has observed, he does not observe. By and by we may be ready to receive what we cannot now.

- Henry David Thoreau

I had the first draft of Casey's story finished by the time I'd met with Dr. Palmer and Dianne. Other than recounting Erika's and my journey to Poland, there were only glancing references to and speculation about the effects on Casey's behavior of her abandonment and adoption. They were never pursued or treated seriously, even after Dianne had raised the issue in passing. It just seemed inconceivable to me that Casey's infancy had anything to do with her later life and death. After all, I reasoned that I had no memory of my own life before the age of seven other than from photographs and home movies. How could she?

...

It wasn't until our coach critiqued my draft that she found the story I had completely missed. It was that glancing reference Dianne made in our last meeting after Casey had quit therapy four years earlier, in the spring of 2007.

Attachment disorder.

...

I sat in my home office in front of my computer and Googled attachment disorder. The first hit brought me to Wikipedia:

Attachment disorder is a disorder of mood, behavior, and social relationships arising from a failure to form normal attachments to primary caregivers in early childhood. Such a failure would result from unusual early experiences of neglect, abuse, or abrupt separation from caregivers in the first three years of life.

Then I searched a related term, reactive attachment disorder, or RAD:

Children with RAD are presumed to have grossly disturbed internal working models of relationships, which may lead to interpersonal and behavioral difficulties in later life. There are few studies of long-term effects, but the opening of orphanages in Eastern Europe in the early 1990s provided opportunities for research on infants and toddlers brought up in very deprived conditions.

...

I searched and sifted through mounds of data and studies from sources ranging from attachment experts and clinicians to blog posts by adoptive parents. A behavioral profile of the adopted child began to emerge.

Emotional Regulation: Because of the absence of the modulating influence of a dedicated caregiver in infancy, the adopted child frequently has a low tolerance for frustration, ineffective coping skills and impulse control, and trouble self-soothing. She can be clingy, hyperreactive, quick to anger or bursting into tears over what others might consider insignificant or nonexistent slightls. It can be difficult to calm her with logic or discipline. She may have out-of-control, prolonged tantrums long past toddlerhood that are disproportionate to circumstances, giving the appearance of emotional immaturity.

Control: Abandoned in infancy, the adopted child has learned early not to trust. Controlling her environment and distancing others around her - especially caregivers - become paramount as a way to protect herself from further abandonment. This can affect her social realm, where she must navigate relationships and read social cues. She may feel threatened by others, have trouble tolerating relationships or participating in competitive games other than on her own terms. She can be a sore loser when things don't go her way. She may have trouble sharing toys, food, or friends, long past what is age-appropriate. She may lack cause-and-effect thinking and blame others for her mistakes. Convinced perhaps that caregivers are unavailable and untrustworthy, she might avoid asking for help. She might be seen as bossy, but not to everyone. She can be manipulative - extremely charming, in fact, even indiscriminately affectionate, toward strangers - but cool and remote at home.

Transitions: Because of her need for control, the adopted child can have difficulties with transitions, especially when they come unexpectedly. She can't easily "go with the flow." Rather, she does best in environments of structure, predictability, and regularity. Changes in routine - such as transitions from the school year to summer, vacations, and holidays - are times of great stress and acting out.

Discipline: Trust, control, and discipline go hand in hand for the adopted child. She may display a pattern of disobedient, defiant, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that goes beyond the norm, giving the appearance of being unduly stubborn and strong-willed. Epic battles can erupt over the most trivial things.

Self-Image: The adopted child whose needs are not met in infancy builds up a pessimistic and hopeless view of herself, her family, and society. She may be uncomfortable with physical closeness or intimacy. She can hear compliments from parents yet feel no association. She's not worthy of love or respect, and may have enclosed her heart in a vault and fought to deny access to anyone who truly loves her. "I love you" can strike terror in her heart. She can't feel love, believe that it hurts, and wants nothing of it. She may manifest destructive behaviors such as self-mutilation, eating disorders, and suicidal tendencies.

A simple Google search explained everything about casey. The uncontrollable tantrums and crying jags. Her lack of patience, whether waiting an extra minute in her high chair for some ice cream or, years later, learning to skate or snowboard. Her tendency to be thin-skinned at home with no tolerance for the most benign joke or jab aimed at her . And my reaction to this? Out of sheer frustration, I told her to stop crying and grow up, and act her age.

Great job, Dad.

She didn't handle threesomes well and would stomp home in tears from a friend's house feeling left out or slighted, losing it when something didn't go her way . . . Power struggles erupted over the most ridiculous things - Casey, please put your dirty dish in the sink; Casey, please don't leave your wet towel on the bathroom floor; Casey, please take Igor for a walk. We were stuck in a never-ending cycle of time-outs, withheld privileges, abandoned reward programs, groundings, and empty threats to spend her college fund on a year in purgatory. We resorted to spanking her, even threatening to hit her, violating every tenet of good parenting and giving her more reason to despise us.

And transitions? Maybe Bennington was the last straw. I thought about Julian's theory at the memorial that Casey had no intention of going; she just wanted to prove a point. For all her bluster about Bennington, I could see how she could have been terrified. She was a creature of habit, had never been away by herself (except for the Alaska trip), never shared a bedroom or bathroom. At home, she had some measure of safety and privacy where she could unleash her rages and tantrums without fear of repercussions. At school, there would be no place to hide and unload in private. She'd be vulnerable, exposed.

Her issues with self-image went far beyond teenage angst. She seemed to loathe herself. But in retrospect, it was almost impossible to distinguish among the typical insecurities of a teenager, attachment issues from infancy, and dangerous suicidal tendencies when the symptoms looked so much alike. It would be impossible to treat every single raging, sullen teen moping around the house as a potential suicide risk (indeed, but the risk is nonetheless present!).

I had stumbled upon something big almost by accident, something that had been staring us in the face for years, and everyone had been blind to it. Casey was alone, in pain and unable to trust, and we couldn't see it. In her fragile state, there wasn't enough to live for, not enough for her to stay in the game, to see through the rough patches. Her perception of the future was bleak, hopeless.

. . .

Chapter 22 - The Girl Behind The Door by John Brooks

I scoured Marin County and the Internet for every book and article I could find on attachment. I contacted experts on adoption and attachment issues. Several of them agreed to talk to me about the disorder and what was being done to help the children and their parents. Nearly all of the experts were either adoptive parents who struck out on their own as I did, or were adoptees trying to understand themselves.

I learned that attachment begins with the trusting bond formed between a child and mother or other primary caregiver during infancy. This bond becomes a blueprint for all future relationships. The British psychiatrist John Bowlby, widely considered to be the founding father of attachment theory, says that at birth a baby cannot automatically self-regulate. Her emotional state is as simple as stressed or not stressed. When she is stressed - from hunger, a wet diaper, insufficient sleep, or fear - she cries. She is brought back into balance when the caregiver responds with soothing sounds, gentle touch, and loving looks.

Nancy Newton Verrier, an adoption specialist in Lafayette, California, provided me with her own analogy of mother-child separation. "It's very unnatural to separate babies and mothers," she said. "You can't adopt a kitten or puppy for about either weeks, in order to give the babies time to wean off their mothers, but we give away human babies time to wean off their mothers, but we give away human babies to strangers as early as birth." I never thought of it that way, and yet it seemed so obvious. Why would we treat animals with more deference than humans?

An infant left alone, with no instinctive soothing mechanism, lives in a state of prolonged fear and hyperarousal. Unable to summon help or physically escape, the infant's only protection from this unendurable state is to emotionally withdraw.

Amy Klatzkin is a marriage and family therapist intern I met with at the Child Trauma Research Centre at UCSF/San Francisco General Hospital. She is also an adoptive mother.

"There's only one thing worse than an abusive relationship, even if it's harmful," she said. "And that's no relationship at all, just nothingness."

I saw Casey alone in her crib in the orphanage as Amy continued. "Casey was probably getting sustenance but no connection, not even a tiny attachment. People come and go, and you never know if they'll be back. They're all equally distant and interchangeable to her."

She went on to talk about another kind of separation - the moment the child left the orphanage system with her adoptive parents. There was an element of predictability left behind - familiar sensations, sounds, and smells - for something unknown with two complete strangers. To ease that separation, Ms. Klatzkin offered a good piece of advice: leave the child in her clothes from the orphanage, even if they're dirty or smelly. "Let them have some continuity," she said. "It's our instinct to cling."

In High Risk: Children Without a Conscience, the clinical psychologists Ken Majid and Carole McKelvey wrote: "If a child does not form a loving bond with the mother, she does not develop an attachment to the rest of mankind, and literally does not have a stake in humanity. Incomprehensible pain is forever locked in her soul because of the abandonment she suffered as an infant."

Incomprehensible pain. My daughter. The awful wailing behind her door.

So profound is the effect of institutionalization that Dr. Jerri Ann Jenista, pediatrician and writer in the field of adoption medical health, suggests that all institutionalized orphans be considered at risk for attachment issues.

The longer they stay in the institution, the greater the damage. "We now know that if the child is adopted within the first year, the adverse effects of institutionalization are not too difficult to treat," explained Dr. Robert Marvin, the director of the Mary D. Ainsworth Child-Parent Attachment Clinic at the University of Virginia Medical Center. "But for a child like Casey, adopted at fourteen months, there's already been a fair amount of psychological and brain developmental damage that leads to very unusual behavior." In fact, studies have shown that institutionalized children have measurably different brain structures from those raised in a family. Researchers have found striking abnormalities in tissues that transmit electrical messages across the brain, perhaps explaining some of the dysfunctions seen in neglected and orphaned children.

The effects of institutionalization rarely go away. Parents of these kids find that depression, moodiness, self-mutilation, screaming fits, defiance, and academic struggles can be "normal" parts of life. Some children leave home and break contact with their adoptive families. Job instability, unplanned pregnancies, suicide attempts, and stints in disciplinary, rehab, and psychiatric programs are not uncommon.

Patricia, the adoptive mother of a boy from southern Poland, wrote to me that her son - then an eight-year-old - was at the emotional level of a fiver-year-old. Though he had recovered from early developmental delays, he was still prone to meltdowns, anxiety attacks, and struggles with self-esteem.

An adoptive mother of a girl from northwestern Russia wrote that her daughter was born to alcoholic parents and was unschooled and neglected until she was placed for adoption at age seven. Her adoptive mother received her at age eleven with a range of challenges, from growth deficiencies to language delays and learning disabilities. At the age of eighteen, she had the emotional maturity of a nine-year-old. The slightest provocation could send her into a rage or sobbing fits. Her parents feared that she couldn't be trusted on her own.

Of course, this is, for many parents, only part of the story. As one mother wrote about her troubled daughter from Russia, "She has brought more love into my life than I ever thought possible."  

My reaction to these difficult stories was envy. Their children were still alive. My daughter was dead. I had failed in my first duty as a father, to keep her safe. The information I needed to keep her alive was out there, but it was just beyond my reach. It was in the library and on the Internet.

I had never thought to look.

Chapter 23 - The Girl Behind The Door by John Brooks

If we could turn back the clock, there is so much that we would have done differently. Casey's life didn't have to end so abruptly and tragically.

I now see a very different person on the other side of that battered bedroom door. Not an angry, misbehaving teenager bent on tormenting her parents, but a child suffering unfathomable pain for whom comfort was out of reach.

She tried to speak to us but couldn't get through. We couldn't hear her, couldn't understand her, or tuned her out as the decibels rose. Likewise, we tried to speak to her, but our words neve reached her. Erika and I were desperate to love her but she had trouble letting us in. We reacted to our communication void with frustration, shutting each other out. That was a fatal mistake whose consequences we couldn't possibly know. We had no idea how far out on a ledge Casey was.

On the surface, everything appeared normal; in fact, better than normal. She'd gotten into her dream school, yet that wasn't enough to dent the iceberg of agony that sat below the surface, that she kept hidden from everyone. Only occasionally did she give a hint of her true feelings. Her cries for help were too faint for people to hear, so she weighed the options - live in pain or choose death.

Erika and I were blind from the outset. I thought about the morning we picked Casey up from the orphanage. We were so intent on changing her into some nice, clean girlie clothes that it never dawned on us to ask if she had something she clutched in her crib - a pillow, a stuffed animal, a blanket? For all I know now, we'd left something behind that was indispensable to her, further compounding the distress. To ease the shock of this transition, we should have asked for an article of clothing, a plaything, something she might have snuggled with to keep her company and have something familiar to hold on to, but we didn't.

In their two books, Adopting the Hurt Child and Parenting the Hurt Child, Dr, Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky note that adoptive parents want to believe that a sound attachment had formed with former caregivers, in a sort of turnkey process that was readily transferable to them. The adoption becomes a cure-all for the child's difficulties.

So it was for us, we thought. Overjoyed at her astonishing progress in our first few days together, camped out in a cramped hotel room in Warsaw, Erika and I became convinced that Casey wasn't a special needs child at all. She had just been understimulated in the orphanage; nothing that two loving parents couldn't fix. We were part of a fairy tale - two able-bodied Americans rescuing a Polish orphan from her caring but impoverished birth mother, who wanted a better life for her daughter.

We treated Casey as if she were our new pet. She was in good American hands. Just feed her, burp her, change her diaper, bounce her around, and park her in front of the TV when Mom and Dad need a rest. Then there were the outbursts.

I know now that adoptive parents who view their children's disruptive behavior as just normal growing pains are ignoring a time bomb. They need to distinguish between the physical and emotional age of their child and adapt their parenting expectations to the child's emotional age, that emotional immaturity I'd read about and, of course, had seen in Casey.

We should have had her assessed. Ray Kinney, a director and staff psychologist at Cornerstone Counseling Services in Wisconsin, spoke to me about the importance of assessment for children who have lived in orphanages. Having seen hundreds of deprived children over thirty-five years of clinical practice, he said that this was a crucial prerequisite to determining an appropriate intervention strategy.

That first night in the hotel room in Warsaw, when she was inconsolable, rocking herself to sleep, we just wanted her to quiet down so that we could get some rest. Instead of parking her in her stroller in front of a blaring TV - something she'd probably never seen before - we should have taken her into bed with us, held her and soothed her. If it were possible, we should have held her for our whole first month together without putting her down. Maybe we would have had a different result. What she needed then was lots of human touch.

From the moment we brought Casey into our home, it seemed as though we did everything wrong. We assumed that the past would fade into oblivion; nurture would prevail over nature. We took our parenting cues from the pop culture experts.

As a toddler, we tried to teach Casey manners, patience, and independence. When she acted out inappropriately and threw temper tantrums, we scolded and punished her. But we failed to see what was at the root of her outbursts, and our reactions only made matters worse. Rather than sending her off by herself, we should have stayed with her, helped her calm down and self-soothe. She needed to know that Mom and Dad would always be there for her unconditionally.

When Casey entered school, we were mystified by what appeared to be a split personality - a perfect angel at school and a defiant, immature brat at home. We consulted family, friends, teachers, and guidance counselors, and were told that Casey was strong-willed and a bit high-strung; she'd grow out of it.

Erika and I felt that we were the problem. We spoiled her. We were inconsistent. We needed to be tougher with her. So we read books such as Raising Your Spirited Child, tried reward systems and used TV, the computer, the playdaytes as leverage for good behavior. We blamed each other for our lousy parenting skills and our inability to get our daughter to mind her parents like everyone else's kids did. We didn't realize that the provocation and aggression we saw in her may have been caused by her anxiety about further rejection, something she may not have understood herself.

Nancy Verrier told me that the adopted child can push for rejection even though that's the opposite of what she wants. She constantly tests her parents to see if they'll reject her, just to get the inevitable over with. As she tests her parents' commitment, often playing into their own insecurities about being good enough, the parents become defensive and retaliatory instead of understanding and steadfast. Their reactions can provoke the very outcome she feared in the first place - being sent to a residential treatment center or boarding school, or being kicked out onto the street.

~

A 2008 white paper, "Therapeutic Parenting," prepared by the Association for the Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children (ATTACh), begins with the following message: . . . Parenting a child who has a disorder of attachment is the hardest job you will ever have. . . . It requires you to give and give, without receiving much in return. . . . It requires rethinking your parenting instincts. . . . It means making conscious, therapeutic parenting decisions . . . [and having a] constant focus on the deeper meaning of your child's behavior, so that you respond to the causes, needs, and motivations of your child. It is exhausting. It is isolating, as family and friends tend to keep their distance, uncomfortable with the drama that surrounds these children.

Heather Forbes is an internationally published author and consultant, adoptive mother, and cofounder of the Beyond Consequences Institute in Boulder, Colorado. She said that her work is geared toward healing the parent-child relationship, with emphasis on the parents, because she believes that the child's healing process must come from them rather than the therapist. "Parents who are strong in who they are, even if the child is rejecting or defiant, don't have to take things personally and love unconditionally."

Like the other experts I talked to, she urged parents to focus on the child's perspective rather than their own. What is driving my child's behavior? Why is she stressed out and acting this way? No matter how unpleasant the message, parents should give the child free rein to vent, because it's important for her to be heard. Good manners and appropriate language can be worked on later.

"All these kids feel like Casey," she told me. "Hopelessly flawed. They can't be fixed. These feelings never go away. It wasn't that you didn't love Casey; she just didn't get it the right way." In the early 2000s, Dr. Marvin, along with several colleagues from the Marycliff Institute in Spokane, Washington, developed the "Circle of Security," a protocol to diagnose attachment disorder and design individualized intervention programs aimed at attachment-caregiving relationships for both toddlers and preschool children. The process, which takes place over twenty weekly group sessions, is designed to help parents gain a deeper understanding of their children and themselves, and to become more accurate and empathic in reading their children's complex and subtle cues - anger at a parent when the truth could be entirely different, or defiance masking an ability to adapt to a new routine. With a better understanding of their children's behavior, parents are shown how to apply more "user-friendly" attachment techniques.

"Our coaching helps parents shift their focus from stopping undesirable behavior to moving in to calm the child when she's out of control and can't self-soothe." Dr. Marvin explained. For example, instead of isolating the child as punishment for misbehavior, stay with her, acknowledge the upset, let her be herself. Sometimes, on some subconscious level, this behavior may be a reaction to her early abandonment. Adoptive parents need to understand and acknowledge that first loss.

"When parents follow that approach they start to see these behaviors decrease very quickly." He insisted that children, when distressed, respond much better to parents when they take charge and soothe rather than discipline, as one would a baby - the baby that child used to be and, in a way, still is.

Jane Brown is an adoption therapist in Ontario, Canada, who encourages adoptees to explore through playful group activities what it means to be adopted, how to build a self-concept as an adoptee, and how to be in the world. In a safe group, the children are more willing to take risks and model for one another, sometimes participating simply by listening and watching. She gives the youngsters exercises to encourage them to explore their beliefs about what happened to them, how they felt about their birth parents, why they'd adopted a baby, all in an attempt to lower their defenses and get their story out.

~

We'd spun tales about Casey's adoption from the very beginning. When she showed no curiosity about her past or birth family, we took her at her word. It never occurred to us that Casey's rages might've been rooted in suppressed feelings about her early abandonment. We tried to protect her from the pain of knowing about her stillborn twin, but maybe deep down she knew.

We looked at her birthdays through our eyes, not hers. They might have been yet another reminder of loss, not celebration. That would have explained her tendency to sabotage the entire occasion. It was probably Casey's instinct to run from strong emotions, but what she really needed was help from an understanding professional to piece together the narrative of her past and a healthier sense of herself as a whole person.

Ray Kinney claimed that, all too often, parents sugarcoat the adoption story to avoid inflicting more pain on their child. He takes a different approach - helping the child reconstruct her adoption story. She needs to know that her experience was real, and her constant and conflicting feelings about it are appropriate and legitimate. By getting the story out honestly - even if it isn't pretty - the child has a more complete sense of herself.

"They want the whole story, and when they hear it, maybe they can understand what it was like to be in their mother's shoes," he said. "When we let the child understand the trauma she's had. what happened to her as a baby, and how that's played out for her entire life, she can start to gain control over her emotions."

The onset of adolescence, middle school, and high school adds another layer of intensity into the mix. When Casey's tantrums became profanity-laced rages punctuated with I hate you, we tried to control her with endless groundings and withheld privileges until we admitted defeat. The fact that she seemed impervious to discipline we took as a personal failure. But her rages may have had little to do with us. Her inner existence was a toxic stew of fear, stress, loneliness, and self-hatred that she hinted at only on LiveJournal and the message board.

~

Dr. David Brodzinsky, a professor emeritus at Rutgers University, founding director of the Donaldson Adoption Institute, and a coauthor of the 1992 book Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self, wrote about the effects of long-term institutionalization.

For children placed early, the sense of loss emerges gradually as the child's cognitive understanding of adoption begins to unfold. For children adopted later, feelings of loss can be more traumatic and overt, particularly by middle school when the youngster begins to reflect on what it means to be adopted, perhaps associating it with feeling odd, different.

At the extreme, resentment and rage against the adoptive parents may erupt from feelings of shame and guilt about who she is - unlovable - to which she may respond with destructive outbursts. As one adoptee said: "Being chosen by your adoptive parents means nothing compared to being un-chosen by your birth mother."

Dr. Brodzinsky cautions that there is a wide range in the expression of adoption-related grief, from only a slight recognition of pain to something more frequent and intense. Often the sense of loss can be masked by intense anger, denial, emotional distance, and exterior bravado. But beneath that tough suit of armor lies a child who has been deeply hurt by life. She is the most vulnerable and difficult to reach.

Chapter 24 - The Girl Behind The Door by John Brooks 

I began to understand what it might have felt like to be Casey - the baby screaming her outrage from her crib at being left behind, thrust into the arms of two strangers from a foreign country who couldn't comfort her no matter how well-intentioned they were.

She despised them for their lack of understanding, and for being so foolish as to love someone like her. So she put on a show of bravado, suited up her armor, and pretended that she needed no one, especially them. But at the same time, she might have looked at her behavior - something she just hinted at with Dr. Palmer - and asked herself, "What the hell is wrong with me?"

She hid behind that suit of armor, lashing out at the only two people who were safe - her adoptive parents. I'd come to learn that parenting a child who had suffered so much trauma in infancy was completely counterintuitive. The time-tested methods of raising and disciplining a securely attached child that we'd learned from Dr. Spock, T. Berry Brazelton, and Dr. Phil were woefully inadequate for a child like Casey. "Sometimes you have to parent in a way that's good for your child even if it doesn't feel good to you," Ray Kinney said.

Dr. Keck recommended that infants shouldn't be left alone to "cry it out." As I'd heard from others, the parent should stay with her if she was screaming, crying, and inconsolable.

There was that disastrous trip to the Yerba Buena skating rink when Casey was eight. We left her alone in her room to cry it out because that's what she said she wanted. If we'd known better, we would have overridden her.

Erika could have rubbed her back and massaged her feet, cooing in a soft voice the way she did when Casey was younger, chanting a Polish verse that Casey loved as an infant. It was about a little spider sneaking up on her, crawling up her tummy. Erika learned it from her mother, and my mother had a similar verse, but instead of a spider it was a creeping mouse. I imagined Casey's face lighting up in anticipation of what was to come when Erika's fingers would pounce on her neck with the dreaded spider tickle, eliciting her delicious laugh: Ha ha ha!

Dr. Keck wrote that the child should be fed on demand to establish a pattern that her needs will be met and help her develop a sense of trust that relief is there when she's distressed. Day care was to be avoided, if possible, as it could reinforce the pattern of abandonment by the primary caregiver.

Thank God, we got one thing right.

We continued to send Casey to therapists who treated her as they did other patients, repeatedly focusing on corrective behavior rather than getting to the core - until Casey had had enough.

Now I don't blame her. She was right. Their kind of therapy was a waste of time.

Unfortunately, in our blindness, Erika and I were enraged. We saw this as just one more of her infuriating acts of defiance and our failure to control her. We didn't realize that she might have just given up on herself.

Children like Casey have to be treated differently - different therapies, different parenting - if they are to survive and thrive. The professionals to whom we'd dragged her over the years were not equipped to understand, deal with, or even recognize her unique life experience. They resorted to the only treatments they'd been taught. After all, they'd worked for their other young patients. Why not Casey?

A blog post titled "When Therapists Don't Get It," on a Bay Area adoption website, recounted the frustration of an adoptive mother seeking help for her son through traditional therapy channels. She reported that even therapists skilled at working with troubled children couldn't help and may have made matters worse. As I'd heard before, they focused on her son's undesirable behavior, as if correcting the symptoms would cure the disease.

She wrote: "Parents seek out experts because they want to help their child to be happy and emotionally healthy. To constantly go to therapists and be told that what is 'wrong' with their child is the parents' fault is infuriating. FInding a therapist who gets it is the key to helping everyone in the family."

I talked with Heather Forbes about our disappointments with therapists.

"Unfortunately, I hear stories like this all the time," she assured me. "If you don't get to that emotional place - the depth of the heart and soul where she felt rejected - you'll probably never have success."

There are thousands of public and private adoption agencies and attorneys available to prospective parents in the United States, but post-adoption resources are sorely lacking. In the San Francisco Bay Area, the fifth-largest metropolitan area in the United States, with more than eight million people and a large international adoption community, there are only a handful of specialized adoption therapists. I'd learned from my own quest that finding them is a challenge.

If only I could have found someone who truly understood Casey and connected with her in a way none of our therapists had, maybe she would have developed some trust and opened up. If Casey had been willing to participate in group therapy with other adopted teens, maybe she wouldn't have felt so alone, even if she did nothing more than listen. The few clues we found after her death suggested that she had searched for a community of similarly troubled teenagers. She wanted to connect with others. I talked at length with Jane Brown about her adopted daughter from China. When she was nine years old, her psychiatrist put her on a mood stabilizer to manage her violent mood swings. Within a week, the medication took the edge off her rages and her tantrums subsided. Once she was calm, the psychiatrist was able to work on her psychological and behavioral issues.

I'd looked at medication for Casey as a last resort, frightened of the potential side effects. Would things have turned out differently if we had introduced medication to her much earlier than seventeen?

"These kids are forever more vulnerable and reactive to stress, but they can learn to deal with it. Medication can help." Brown said. "Attachment can be a piece of the puzzle, but it may not be the whole puzzle."

There was another thing we did right - the cardinal rule. I learned from Nancy Verrier - never threaten abandonment

.

Not that we didn't think about sending Casey off to rehab or reform school, as other parents had. But my consideration at the time was more practical than altruistic; reform schools are every bit as expensive as elite private colleges.

Perhaps if we had masted just one of the parenting techniques I'd learned about, or used every opportunity to remind her how much she mattered, or responded to I'll kill myself if. . . not with silence, but with an impassioned accounting of an empty world without her, we could have kept Casey alive.

This didn't have to happen.

Ray Kinney told me that the effects of institutionalization never completely disappear. "These kids can learn to not let those wounds control their lives."

Ultimately, Casey might have left home with better coping skills, a healthier self-image, and the confidence that she had two parents whom she could trust to be there whenever she needed them.

[emperor-lover]

heey! can i request a bullet scenario for daniel where you're sungwoos little sister and daniels been that brother's best friend that you've practically grown up with??

hey anon, thank you for the request and hope you enjoy!! ❤ also i spell sungwoo, ‘seongwoo’/’seongwu’ or i just say ong for simplicity sake so i wasnt sure if you meant ong or sungwoon so i went with ong haha, sorry if you meant sungwoon!! 

Kang Daniel - Brother’s bestfriend!AU

You’ve known Daniel since you started primary school

He was two years above you, and became best buds with your older brother Seongwu

(So ongniel is science has been going strong since the ripe age of 5)

You were rather quiet and shy as a kid so you tried to hang round your brother a lot at school

because you and him are super close

but you became too dependent on him at school and struggled to make friends in your own year

so as much as Seongwu adores you as a younger sister, he wanted you to break away from him and his friends

but you got upset and cried because you didn’t want to be separated from them

and 7y/o Daniel tried to cheer you up by wiping away your tears and patting you on the head and giving you lollies

“please don’t cry y/n, it’s okay, you’ll still get to see me when I come to your house to play”

Looking back it was an experience that you are glad you went though, because you ended up meeting kids who are now some of your best friends

and you still saw Daniel whenever he came over to play with Seongwu

as you grew older you became more resilient and independent

but that didn’t stop you from being dragged along to things by Daniel and Ong

for example, they forced you to go to every soccer game of theirs to be their no. 1 supporter

and they’d make you wear face paint in the school colours and do all the chants

they even tried making a dance for you to copy and it consisted of popping and bboying and you were like omfg i caNNOT DO THIS

speaking of dancing, Daniel got really into bboying in high school

so much so that he didnt really come round to hang out with you and Seongwu that much anymore

It made you upset because you didnt go to the same high school as them anymore, so you barely saw him anyway

and like one time you guys had planned to go watch a movie but he flaked last minute because he got called in by his dance teacher

You were upset, because you thought that he would rather spend his time dancing than catch up with you

You came to despise the fact that he bboyed 

and you started assuming the only reason why he did it was to show off

but one day when you got to school a group of girls were huddled round someone’s laptop and they were going cray, fangirling over something

and you glance over at the screen

and lo-and-behold it’s Kang Daniel, the kid you grew up, doing windmills and flares and pulling all these other sick af moves

and when he’s done, you see that he has the biggest smile on his face

you found out that the day that the video was recorded, was the day he couldnt go to the movie with you 

and you felt so bad because you realised that you shouldn’t have been so annoyed over something that makes him so happy and he works so hard to do

and straight away, the disdain you had is all gone, and you’re just tremendously proud of him

you became a silent supporter for him, and also worrying over the fact he might injure himself whilst dancing

so you would sometimes send him texts telling him to take it easy or reminding him to eat

And Ong is like “why dont you ever send me texts like that?”

“because you’re my brother, Seongwu”

“oh really??? I thought I was your unnie, y/n?”

times like this make you wonder why he has so many people crushing over him

like both the girls and guys in your class are asking you to introduce Seongwu to them

and you just dont get it at all

so one day you’re complaining to Daniel about it because it’s gotten to the point where your entire class is in love with your brother

“What’s so good about him, that makes all the girls fall for him? Even if he wasn’t my brother, he is sooooo not my type” (yo sorry ong i dont really mean this)

and suddenly Daniel goes “then can you tell me what you like in a guy, y/n?”

and you pause because at that moment you’re not too sure yourself

and as you’re thinking in your head what kind of guy your ideal type is, and image of Daniel keeps popping up in your head

and you try to shake it off because you refuse to let yourself catch feelings for Daniel

like you obviously care for him….but not like that

right???

you’ve always seen him as your older brother’s best friend, as well as your friend, nothing more…

lol you couldn’t have been more wrong

so you never properly answered Daniel’s question, you just spluttered out a generic response 

“SOMEONE NICE??”

And Daniel just laughs, like usual and it makes the spontaneous internal conflict going on in your head even worse because you only realise now that Daniel’s laugh is so cute and you want to keep hearing his laugh

That question had really triggered you (in a good way) and you couldnt stop thinking about all the things that Daniel had done to make your heart flutter

like he gives THE best hugs ever

he’s like a big bear when he wraps you up in his warm embrace

and sometimes he’d squish your cheeks if you scowled at him for suffocating you in the hug

and you’d frown even more and he’d just laugh happily and continuing teasing you

he was always considerate of you too

he’d seen you go through all the emotions, even the scary ones and he still hung out with you

you couldn’t believe it took you so long to even realise you had a crush on him

but you didn’t know what to do with this new found knowledge because you were pretty sure Daniel only sees you as a little sister/friend

and on top of that Seongwu would probably freak in a bad way if anything did happen

so you decide to just try get over it, and not acknowledge your crush

like hopefully another guy will appear in your life that you’ll like more??

of course that doesn’t work though

when the school ball/prom/dance (whatever you call it where you live) comes round you’re content on going solo

but your friend had offered you to go with them so you two would at least have a partner for the first dance of the night

but he ended up getting into a relationship before the dance, and now had a partner so this left you solo once again but with an extra ticket

And you’re complaining about this to Ong and Daniel like 3 days before the dance

and your brother perks up immediately, and you can see that the lightbulbs are flashing in his head and you’re so worried about what clever idea he’s going to announce

“TAKE DANIEL, KANG CENTER, KANG PARTNER, KANG DANIEL”

and both you and Daniel look at him like wtf

and Ong is so proud of himself and refuses to take no for answer

so yeah the day of the dance comes round and you’re getting ready upstairs with some of your friends and their dates

and you hear a knock on the door so you go to get it

Seongwu has bet you to it though funniest thing is that he’s wearing trackies and baggy hoodie and all your friends are still head over heels in love with him

you’re at the top of the stairs and you spot Daniel at the front door talking to your brother

He’s all suited up, looking like a freaking model just standing there effortlessly with a hand in his pocket and the other fiddling with his tie

Ong is laughing at him because the tie isn’t done up properly

and they’re trying to sort it out, but they both notice your presence

Daniel gives you the most blinding smile ever, which you return and Ong just smirks knowingly at the two of you

“Don’t try anything with my little sister Niel, remember, you’re my man.” 

And the three of you just crack up laughing

Daniel can’t stop looking at you though

In his eyes, you’re absolutely perfect

even more so when you laugh because you look so effortlessly happy

He’s still struggling to fix his tie

You go to fix his tie, tutting over the fact that he still struggles doing it up even though he’s got one in his school uniform

You hear his breath hitch from the close proximity, and he’s just staring at your face with an emotion you can’t put a name to

and you go bright red because you realise you’re biting your lip from nervousness and you don’t want to make it awkward

so you pull back quickly and as you do, you hit your elbow on the handrail of the stairs and you fall back and cringe in pain

and Daniel’s hand immediately shoots round your waist to steady you but he kinda trips over the first stair as he does so

and the two of you are just a clumsy, laughing mess together

after you’ve both calmed down, Daniel reaches over and fixes a loose strand of your hair gently before smiling down at you

“You look stunning y/n, thanks for letting me be your date tonight.”

He blushes, before directing his gaze away from you

“Maybe uh…I don’t know if you want to…but maybe you’d like to be my date for my dance next month?”

You look at him in surprise because you hadn’t even thought about his school dance

“I know that I’m going to your ball tonight as your friend…

…but I’d really like it if you came to mine as my girlfriend”

His eyes are back on yours, and they’re shining with so much sincerity

And you feel like your smile is stretching from ear to ear

and your heart is going to burst

“Daniel, I’d really really like that”

And his smile mimicks yours as he leans down to press a kiss to your cheek

You whisper in his ear, “well you know, you might as well come to my ball tonight as my boyfriend then”

He gives you a wink, “I think i’d like that too.”

Meanwhile, Ong has been snapping sneaky photos and videos of the two of you from a distance and he just shakes his head and sighs to himself.

“They really are such a match made in heaven. Only took them over 10 years.”

Quick notice! The current way I’m structuring my writing is that If you send me a request I’ll respond directly to it with the requested fic/scenario/au etc. To check if I’ve seen your request please refer to my masterlists here and here, as I will update them regularly as soon as I see your request or complete a piece! Thank you for reading and hope you continue enjoying my work! ❤

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