#so much time wasted again

[onthejadedjournal]

update

after i broke down school (the day of the deadline) because of how anxious i was about this whole ordeal - my best friend immediately tried to figure a way around the issue and told me he'll try to coax the teacher into listening to him which was so daring because that teacher is very true to her words and she had really high standards for all of us

it was so hard to talk that day. my head hung so low and i couldn't even hear the lessons because of how mentally distraught i was that day - i had to use my notebook to talk to him because if i talked, i know my sobs and hiccups will be heard and i hate attracting attention. he immediately noticed how distant i acted and it i quickly clicked back to the comic i made back then and. idk. I'm just surprised how accurate that was. i dunno. self projection works ig

either way. at the end of the day - my teacher acknowledged the concern and extended it up to sunday this week

i'm happy but i'm still really. not happy. happy because im given one more chance to work on it but unhappy because - i feel that this could've been worked out much better. or better yet. not a fucking animation

and. im also pissed. really pissed

the trailer wasn't mandatory.

the trailer wasn't mandatory.

i could've been. working on the story a week before if it werent for the fucking trailer

but. i cant even be too mad about it because at at least the trailer gave me insight on how i feel about animation?

well for one. im not taking the multimedia art course anymore in college. eye opening moment for me

and two - thanks to many people telling me this; you don't have to make it high effort just to please everyone. its okay to dumb it down because an artist's eyes isnt the same as a normal one. another eye opening moment to me

and i guess the trailer was only good for getting everyone to buy our movie tickets. idk

but. the trailer wasnt mandatory. i just learned that and i was really upset.

again. should i be mad or not? I don't know but it just happens. its a double edged sword

another thing that really made me angry was how everyone thinks this is going to be a walk in the park for me. its not. it's not. "she'll do okay because she can draw" "we're going to win some awards thanks to her" god i wish i never heard those i don't even know the first thing about animation im just really lucky to have nicole help me as she's a genuine aspiring animator.

either way im just so ready to forget all of this when im done. i don't want to share this project to friends because i'm more or less traumatized mentally and physically about this and I don't want to recall it again and i'm dead serious about it.

it also doesnt help that i keep getting called a slacker at home for not doing the animation. if only you understand what im feeling. did you not take the hint when i slept early twice? yeah. yeah maybe you should get it next time. just got told that while i was typing this . hahhah

i've lost my energy to be happy and even to selfship (but with one exception i guess) because the last 2 days i just find myself crying to sleep over how angry i am and it sucks because i cant catch up to what my friends are doing and I don't want to be the lump of coal that opposes their energy everytime i come to them which is why i'm just here to rot and complain about it. i know they're willing to be there to help me destress. i know they're worried about me. but i have to consider the external factors (which is. being accused of being a slacker when im in need of comfort from my friends). if i was the only person in the house then i would've done it in a heartbeat

i don't sound the same right now and it all culminates to this. it's almost a month and this is eating me alive consistently to no end. i get bursts of joy here and there but it doesn't outweigh how tired i am

but thankfully i'm given another chance to work on it so.

now im just praying i can make it. im praying

and leave this fucking school soon

#i got home from school for our graduation pictorials #supposed to finish at 2 #finished at 5 #so much time wasted again #sorry I don't have much good things to say

[wattemeer]

“But someday you'll find somebody and love him and love him and never let him go.”

#my art #haikyuu!! #kagehina #hinata shouyou #kageyama tobio #been a while ;_; #I'm in the process of moving atm #I hope once I've settled in completely and everything is done I will feel more motivated to draw again #I miss drawing #I hate this feeling like I'm wasting so much time that I could use to get better 😞 #anyway 😍 I will not give up

[starrystevie]

"i need a favor."

it's simple enough for steve to hear even over the loud music in the club, and it definitely grabs his attention away from where he was staring blankly into the dancing crowd. he pulls his eyes to the person standing in front of him, gaze trailing over their form before settling on their face. he's cute, steve thinks, with his curly dark hair and big brown eyes that he could see himself getting lost in. he's cute enough for steve to listen to whatever favor he could possibly need.

"umm, hello to you too?" steve says it like a question, his eyebrows quirked up and a smile pulling at one side of his mouth. "what kind of favor might that be?"

the stranger smiles and sits in the seat next to steve, setting his beer on the table beside steve's nearly finished jack and coke. he's closer than he was before and steve can appreciate his face even better this way.

"it's my ex. you see," the stranger slings an arm around the back of steve's chair, pulls himself close so that he isn't having to scream as loudly over the booming club beats. "he's here and i knew it would be stupid to think i wouldn't run into him in the only queer club around, yet here he is. and here i am."

"is there supposed to be a favor in there somewhere?"

the stranger grins and steve suddenly gets the feeling he's a bird who's been cornered by a cat.

"well, i was hoping you might be able to help me. he knows i have a... weakness for pretty boys and you just happen to be the prettiest one here."

steve's heart thumps in his chest, strong and impatient as he watches the neon lights flash off this guy's teeth. he always thought he was the smooth one with all his charm and charisma, but this stranger was sitting next to steve like it was any other day and not like he had the possibility to turn his world upside down.

"help you how?"

the stranger's grin grew wider and his eyes not so subtly flicked down to watch steve's lips. "kissing would be a good start, then letting me drag you to the dance floor so he could see us. and maybe if you're feeling a little crazy, we leave together, make it seem like you're coming home with me. he's watching us right now, you know?"

steve gives him a blank stare as he tries to not let it show just how much fun he thinks it all could be. he's there alone, anyway, trying to drown his loneliness in his friend jack daniels, so what's stopping him from playing a little bit of pretend?

"and what's in it for me?" is what steve finally gets out, his breath stuttering minutely in his chest when he feels a palm cover his leg.

"what do you want?" the fingers squeeze around his knee.

it makes steve stop and think for a moment. he thinks long and hard about material things like at least 3 drinks bought for him or dinner after they escape together or paying his cover so they can get in to the bar down the road that plays shitty music but has a good atmosphere. but there's one thing steve could really use, something he doesn't get the chance for, something that this random guy's money wouldn't have to cover.

"an adventure."

there's no way to tell who moves first, whether it was steve fisting his hand into the guy's hair to close the distance between them or if it was the firm pull on his leg that turns him towards the stranger. it's messy, right off the bat, with a tongue pressing insistently against steve's lips that he's happy to meet with his own. the hand on his leg is a grounding touch that keeps steve from floating away, warm and strong and there.

the man's other hand wraps awkwardly around to rest on steve's waist as to bring him in closer and the force of it has steve stumbling out of chair and settling instead on the guy's lap. two hands wrap around his waist now and his own go back into the guy's hair, threading through the stands and holding on firmly.

"okay yeah, you were definitely the right choice for this, holy shit," the guy breaks away to catch his breath and grin at steve who sends him a grin in return. "you are so..."

he doesn't finish, lets his lips say the words he couldn't as he connects them with steve's once more. it's hot, both in temperature and otherwise. steve can feel a bead of sweat start to roll down his back as they kiss and roll against each other for lord knows how long. one of the stranger's hands comes to rest just above steve's ass and it has him pushing back into the touch before he can tell himself to stop.

"dance. we uhh," steve says breathlessly as he pulls away from the man. his eyes are hooded and his lips are slick and kissed red, the flush on his face visible even under the dark club lights. steve thinks he might already be a little bit in love. "you said we have to dance."

the hand that was trailing down to his ass makes its way to it's destination and presses firmly, so steve follows, lets himself be manhandled until they're sitting chest pressed to heaving chest.

"sorry sweetheart, you aren't moving anywhere just quite yet."

lips connect to his jaw and it feels like it's exactly where he's supposed to be. steve pushes into the man's space, gets them as close as possible to savor the moment. he doesn't get to have fun, not much anymore at least, with his job keeping him so busy he hardly even gets to see his friends. it's nice to push every real life responsibility to the side and be in the moment with a random man from a club.

"so what does he look like, your ex?" steve mummers against his ear, low and sultry. "is he looking at us now?"

he feels the man chuckle against him before kissing his way up his neck. "he's pretty standard looking, don't think i could describe him to you if i tried."

"okay but," he's cut off by lips pressing quickly onto his own before steve pulls away once more. "i need to know who i'm putting a show on for."

the man sighs, rests his forehead against steve's collarbone for a beat before biting at it playfully. "let's just say you're putting on a great show regardless of who it's for."

steve pulls back even further, watching the man roll his eyes as he tries to follow him with his mouth. "and i thank you for that, but really, where is he?"

the man pauses and every bit of confidence that was on his face melts away until he looks younger, looks almost nervous. he sighs again and drops his hands from where they were kneading into steve's sides before running them through his hair with a sad sounding chuckle.

"he's nowhere."

now it's steve's turn to pause. his thighs that were clenched so tightly around the man's legs release and he slumps down with a frown pulling at his mouth and arms crossing over his chest.

"explain."

"i just," the man winces, face crinkling up before settling back into something more neutral. "you're like insanely hot, which i'm sure you know, and i needed something so i could talk to you so-"

"so you lied? there's no ex?"

"... there's no ex."

steve's done more thinking in the last 30 minutes than he expected to in the entire evening. he didn't come out to a gay bar to think about anything and yet here is, contemplating a fucking pros and cons list about where to go from there. does he yell, punch him for lying, storm out and end up back home all alone in a empty apartment? it would serve the guy right, letting him stew in his guilt for lying so he could make out with someone.

"i'm steve," he says after making up his mind, hand extended out in front of him.

the stranger grabs it shyly, shaking his hand up and down slowly while he stares at steve. "i'm eddie?"

"is that a question?"

"no, i'm just-" he cuts himself off and shakes his head as if to clear it, pinning steve with a confused glare. "you're not mad?"

"mad, no. at least i don't think so. confused as to why you think you couldn't just talk to me, yeah."

the man, eddie, runs a hand down his face and pulls it away with a cheeky grin that makes steve smile at him back. "i'm sure you've looked in a mirror! you know why i couldn't just talk to you!"

it has steve laughing, full belly ache inducing laughing, in eddie's lap in a gay bar on a night that he planned to waste by being drowned in self-pity. he doesn't think he's ever had a weirder night and it's funny. he lifts his leg and stands up, watching the smile disappear from eddie's face to be replaced with a frown. he reaches down and grabs eddie's hand, pulling him to his feet and watching a beautiful smile spread back across the other man's face.

they're the same height, he realizes, as he presses his mouth to eddie's ear.

"i think you owe me a dance. and," he pauses, looks eddie in the eye and lets his hand travel to eddie's ass to pull them as close as possible. "-an adventure."

#steddie #steddie headcanon #yes i did just waste too much time at work writing this don't tell my boss #steve harrington #eddie munson #my writing #steddie drabble #steddie fic #this is i think my first kind of delve into modern steddie so may have to do it again #mayhaps this will have a spicy sequel who knows #steddie ficlet #1k #2k #3k #4k

[tomatoart]

too much

#noctis lucis caelum #final fantasy 15 #ffxv #final fantasy xv #the way this is a special intrest that i dont even like to talk abt bc the game makes me so devastated at the wasted potential. anyways HAI #do yall remember when id post ffxv a lot. dont look it was bad #UGHHH i wont lie. 'too much is never enough' is such an insane thing to come from this game. i think abt that phrase sm #UGHG IT QUEUED THE WRONG TIME AGAIN. I’m sick.

[empoart]

Unfinished pages from an unfinished Eurovision 2023 comic

#yeah I was overly ambitious once again #for two months a year my Eurovision obsession reaches a pathological stage #I planned 30-40 pages of a Eurovision 2023 Fantasy AU where Philipp Kirkorov is the big villain and #each artist has weapons/powers based on their song/performance #but who am I kidding of course I couldn't finish such a thing #esc 2023 #eurovision 2023 #so much time gone to waste #and yeah the monster is based on the 'Ça m’ennuie pas' performance

[manygreetingsfriend]

i’m sooooooo normal about the god of war series. so incredibly normal i liked it a normal amount and would be so chill talking about it. don’t worry about the sign

#god of war #i’m so so so so so normal about it it’s so whatever it’s so haha you know #something something when it comes to yourself you’ll let yourself drown before you change. you’ll die before you change who you’ve become #to survive this long #up to and until it affects the ones you’ve come to love in this life you’ve made for yourself and you suddenly have no choice but to change #it’s fine it’s ok it’s chill. everyone does this. #it’s becoming a parent and loving your child so much you HAVE to change. you HAVE to be better #we MUST be better. than they were. #who’s they. our parents. the gods that come before us. yes. #i’m screaming i’m crying i’m wasting away im disintegrating. there’s no coming back there no return #you are on your knees. you are gripping your son’s shoulders like they’re the only thing keeping you tethered to the earth. #you are struggling with who you are and who you want to become. you are promising to be better. #i’m so normal about parent(al figures) taking responsibility for their actions and choosing to do better #i’m not high enough to really express what’s going on here. can you feel it? can you fucking feel it? #this series has destroyed me. #dad of boy. dad(s) of boy. i will never be the same (affectionate) #can’t remember the last time i finished a series and went ‘oh well i’ve GOT to play it again Now That I Know’ #AND I HAVENT EVEN TALKED ABOUT THE BROTHER HULDRA!!!!!!!!! #sindri’s face. has not left my memory #i’m dying scoob #gow #gowr

[gottagetgogottagetattahere]

Knives is such a hypocrite and a liar and he lies most of all to himself and i hate him but i also love it. Bro's so coked up on copium all the time.

Claims to be doing it all for the sake of Plants, then arguably takes away their agency and freedom way more than humans ever could. Claims to be doing it for his brother and literally ruins his brother's life in every possible turn. Claims humanity never learns from their mistakes and it literally takes dying for him to stop doubling down on his bullshit. the medical abuse done unto tesla horrified him so much and yet he is directly responsible to the same abuse being subjected to countless of children.

Given the chance, I would love to be his sleep paralysis demon. i do not think I could fix him, but I think I can drive him to early retirement from super villainy.

#millions knives #trigun #tristamp #trimax #i hate this man but also i adore him #or at least i adore grinding his psyche between my teeth #guy has so much crunch to him #the worst possible man to me i need to ruin his life #i gotta say that when i first got into trigun the overall tone coming from the fanbase did soften me up to get absolutely demolished by #literally all the fucked up things happening all the time #but i see less ppl horrified about the fucked up things knives does to the sisters he claims to be protecting than i expected?? #which idk feels like a waste #also saw someone who said who doesn't like a villain who just wants to protect his sisters and dude if that is what protection looks like #id rather be thrown to the wolves #he is so fascinating to me but also i understand him on a molecular level and thats why i hate him so much but again #crunchy guy #nai saverem #vash's mommy issues have nothing on knives i can prove it ( i cannot but i can infer and i can dream)

[black-and-yellow]

Buggy stuff. Let's mix it up a little.

#as much as I hate the ratafak plachta blanket look for him post timeskip #The hair plus hat feathers combo does slay #and I think Jeff Ward could totally pull it off #If we ever get post timeskip in the Netflix series but I really doubt that's going to happen #and maybe that's for the best #spent so long on the right one and then proceeded to draw the one on the left #in way less time and liked it way more #yes all my buggy drawings are opla buggy I enjoy to look at him #i was watching someones reaction to Green Mile because I wanted to rewatch it but I didnt want to #put myself through that emotional turmoil again #but I ended up crying anyway so #waste of my time #one piece #opla #op buggy #buggy d clown #buggy fanart #ok one piece clown enjoyers. find me again

[journeyman-tier-fibercraft]

Was having some trouble with my newest doily, dropping stitches and just generally having a hard time knitting and couldn't figure out why. And then I realized I had nearly 250 stitches jammed onto a 8 inch cable (16 inches including needle tips).

I moved it onto my 14 inch cable but realized immediately it could fit on my 22 inch cable (and did a bit of math, the final row of this doily is going to be 640 stitches and that'll need my 22 inch cable minimum). So after a bit of musical cables, he's finally laying mostly flat.

This guy is a square doily so he won't lay fully flat until I get him off the needles but he's already looking cute as hell. And bigger than I thought. The pattern says he'll be about 10 inches by 10 inches but I'm about halfway through his rows and he's already over 8 inches wide.

(Pattern, making version A)

#project: doily 12 #knitting #knitblr #lace rot #wip #i did end up frogging the bag i randomly started just to get my 22 inch cable back #but tbh i probably wasn't gonna work on it again anyway. having one less project much worth some wasted work. #i'm gonna focus on this doily and the socks i just started primarily i think #i have been working slowly on blanket 10 but it's so warm and heavy that it makes me sleepy every time i work on it lmaoo #i'm excited to use it but i gotta not nap while making it

[mercutiotakethewheel]

everytime i rewatch black sails, i find myself like vane more and more ngl. the first season really tries hard to trick you into thinking he’s just unnecessarily, banally, and uncompellingly an asshole (in the overwhelmingly compelling asshole show), whose one redeeming feature is that he’s kinda pathetic too. but geez s2 really nails home everytime that hes the best and the coolest and the most honest (maybe even most compassionate) of the mcs up until this point, barring anne of course. and on top of that i actually kind of think he has the best pre-s3 speeches. like obvs s4 flint is yknow s4 flint. and s3 max is so insane i actually cant handle it. but oh my god charles vane’s letter and his fuck your legitimacy eleanor speech and his hanging speech are so good. and fuck what i said earlier isnt even true. bc his s1 speech while hes looking in the eyes of the little boy he used to be is actually like the bestest. like fuck ok. charles vane is the best actually. #1 anarchist boy. 10/10 would want him in my commune. hed point blank refuse to help with the dishes tho so 😬.

#black sails #charles vane #kaz queuekker #i know other people have said this before #but i always forget how much this dude rocks #his cheesy archetypal veneer #makes him so easy to overlook amongst all the brighter shinier characters #its genuinely such a crime they wasted him on a stupid blackbeard plotline #when we could have had him w/madi in the maroon plotline #or even touched on what they were even trying to so w/the white slave plotline #which makes zero sense to do in a show set in 1715 #a whole charles vane lifetime (maybe) after bacon’s rebellion #and the shift away from indentured servitude #(due to concerns over race and class solidarity) #in favor of racialized heavily codified and lifelong inherited slavery #which while again is too early for the showz setting #wouldve at least been thematically relevant #a million times more than a lazy regurgitation #of the mythologizing blackbeard thing #in the deconstructing pirate myths show??? #but i digress

[gideonisms]

I want to write I want to make girls be weird about each other in MY word docs I want to have creative projects and goals againn :/

#but i am. so tired #i also don't want it to be something i'm forcing myself through because i feel like that always backfires #this year to me has really been about figuring out what is actually important to me and in what ways i can push myself to grow without #sending myself back to square one again #i can kind of feel myself gearing up to create things again and have wants and goals again but it is sooo slow #absolutely everything wipes me out mentally which i guess it always did but now i can like. comprehend it! #i know what is happening in there but i am so clumsy at working around it. i hadn't practiced that a lot before #it's taking like multiple years to recover from stuff that other people seem to recover from easily #it's sooo annoying and it's not really about feeling like i wasted my 20s anymore #i am where i am it was my life and i spent it the way i did so far. i just can't change that #it's more about like Wanting to do so many things and feeling like there is the potential for so much and feeling held back by my own self #there are so many things i want to try now that i'm doing more than bare minimum surviving and it's like i want them all at once #but i can't possibly do them all at least not yet there just is not time or energy or money to do them all right away #i have trouble prioritizing

[icewindandboringhorror]

... why he sit like this

#in this position his face is extremely 'cartoon cat' shaped.. like the perfectly round cheeks and little #rounded bump of a snout.. big round eyes. etc. stretched over the arm of a chair like a weirdo #cats #It's still Hot Evil Summer time and I have so much to do so am just aimlessly hopping between various projects but not actually #getting anything done. as usual. Also so so so so tired. I almost fell asleep in the middle of the floor like 3 times today lol #Trying to finish some costume photos and also another poll adventure thing. plus I do really want to do a sculpture sometime #I haven't finished one in a while. Hopefully my tiredness is nothing bad. #Maybe I'm anemic again so that's making me tired. Or maybe it's just a Listless phase. not that I'm ever really THAT productive considering #all of the health problems and etc. always holding me back. but still. I'm not usually 'sleep or just stare at a wall literally all day' ty #e unproductive.. at least not for multiple days in a row so. hmm... Sometimes especially in the summer though I will have periods of time #that are listless like that. I am under low level phyiscal stress for months at a time due to summer heat so I guess it makes sense #that would eventually take a toll. I just have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO!!!!! AAUUGhhh #I also came up with a new idea for a game that is so so cool and I wish I could make it but I have to finish the other one first lol #which I will NEVER do. if I spend all day just sleepy unfocused barely able to do anything #I also really need to sell some clothes and sculptures because I'll probably have to buy a new computer soon so I need money. (plus still #recovering the costs of having to euthanize my other cat.. wehh) There's nothing clearly wrong with it right now but it's getting gradually #slower and there's more weird glitches happening randomly and idk.. just weird things that make me think 'hmm... bad.. possibly.' #ANYWAY... I just have so much to do that I both REALLY want or need to do - so it's perpetually frustrating that I just can't for whatever #reason like. Time is always mving forward. every day I waste is a wasted day. The year is already almost half over. I havent finished #any of the projects I wanted to .. and there's only more and more things to do each day. It's overwhelming and stinky #and thats not even considering having to do all of my tasks also with the background noise of economic inequality. everything increasingly #going into an even scarier political direction. active climate change crisis. pandemic that still exists and is insane to act otherwise. et #etc. HOW am I supposed to solo make two whole games . write 3 book series. finish sculptures. do costumes. make outfits. game videos. make #stable network of social connections. do my little side crafts. take care of myself and cats. pay rent. manage health issues. keep a routin #.try to make some sort of money. go to doctors appointments. handle regular maintenance like cleaning and cooking and self care #and buying new plates when old ones break or etc. make sure to do other things like backup my computer data regularly. do shopping lists. #take care of plants. pursue like 6 different academic interests. do the other side side projects I have for fun (like music or carving avoc #ado pits). eat in a healthy way thats okay for my Special Health Issue diet. exercise so i don't die early. etc. etc. etc. AND all while it #82F in my apartment all the time and I have tiny income and also need to move to another country/climate somehow??? lol...... #ANYWAY.. ..very frustrated today over my chronic Tired Sleepy.. time for Cat Photos - which cure all of life's ailments lol

[bonefall]

Voted for Bumble bc of course but also if you think Alex would not pspsps Bumble you are wrong. If they could communicate they would go to therapy together /s

If then could communicate they would go to therapy together

/GEN

Kyle/Green Lantern resurrects her but then he becomes convinced that she's not the same person she was before the incident, OR SOMETHING SOMETHING Black Lanterns aren't ACTUALLY bad they're just misunderstood Grim Reaper types, in either case Alex ends up breaking it off with Kyle because they've become very different people.

And then Bumble's there

And then they go to therapy or Alex adopts Bumble, and then uhhh Bumble's like one of the superpets. Like Krypto the Superdog. Free premise go forth and play with it if ur a DC fan

#bone babble #Again I don't actually know a lot about the DC universe besides what my friend tells me #But also from reading into the Black Lanterns having them be evil sound like a WHOLE wasted opportunity #Lanterns are supposed to be emotions yeah? so why the hell are we downplaying the emotion of GRIEF? #There's a whole lot you could do with that actually. Death doesn't deserve to just be a villain of the week #And hell. You could explore some WILD emotions here about Alex becoming so much more than Kyle's tragedy #Can I still mourn you when you aren't dead? #What does it mean for me that the worst thing that ever happened to me has become an opportunity for her? #And... does this make me selfish for not being happy for her? #For not trying to understand the person she has become? for only thinking of how this impacts myself #RE: THIS IS NOT A DIG AT DC FANS #BUT I want to share that like... a reason I've kinda had a hard time getting into comics is because like... really interesting premises-- #like that often get turned into Monster-of-the-Week struggles for the heroes to punch into submission #I've probably just seen really bad summaries or not found the editions that would appeal to me specifically #But it's kinda why the only DC hero I'm really interested in is Superman #Because a lot of his thing is that he's a good GUY #And that creates a lot of interesting moral questions #Like YES he's a good guy. YES he has no ulterior motive. But what if he DID?-- how can EVERYONE ELSE in the universe truly know that- #for sure? #And that's cool and I really like the snippets I've seen especially between him and batman #But anyway. so much fridging and misogyny in the world of comics has kinda turned me away from getting into it #because. VERY often. Misogyny can be... *tied* to a bit of a lack of imagination. Or empathy on behalf of a particular writer #RE: There is good stuff in DC PLEASE understand im not trying to be insulting

[whentherewerebicycles]

knowing (as I now do) that it may not last…

I am DETERMINED to enjoy every

single

second

of being pregnant!!!!

#I wasted so much time last time feeling intensely anxious and scared #the window of joy was so so small!!! #and maybe this window of joy will be so small too I don’t know #there’s so much more waiting—waiting for the blood test results to come back / waiting for the 48 hour second blood test #waiting for the six week ultrasound to find out if it’s ectopic again #but gosh I am going to let myself be happy #if the bad things come they will come I can’t do a single thing to stop them!!! #so in the meantime #I am going to let myself look at baby furniture and think about names and fret about daycare #and I am going to love this baby!!!!! #instead of being scared to even think of it as my baby until it was ending!! #IUI tag

[clarabosswald]

"Win all the Battles, Lose the War" by Yuval Noah Harari

Who wins the Israel-Hamas war? It depends, of course, on how you define victory. In a soccer game, the side that scores more goals wins. In a war, the winner is not necessarily the one who kills more people, takes more prisoners, destroys more houses, or conquers more territory - the winner is the side that achieves its political goals. In the Iraq war, for example, the Americans won all the battles, occupied the entire country, captured Saddam Hussein and completely toppled his regime - but the war ended in a crushing political defeat for the USA and Iran becoming the "proprietor" in Iraq and the most powerful country in the Middle East. The existential threat that hovers over our heads today is partly a consequence of the American "victory" on the battlefields in Iraq. It could happen again. If we don't get our policy goals right, we could win all the battles and lose the war. So in the current war, who is closer to achieving their political goals? To answer this question, one must first know what the political goals of the parties are. Hamas' goals are quite clear. In the immediate term, Hamas's goal on October 7 was to sabotage the agreement that was being forged between Israel and Saudi Arabia. It's a bit hard to remember, but in the weeks before October 7 it was reported that Israel came very close to the possibility of a historic peace with Saudi Arabia, which would normalize relations between Israel and most of the Arab world and fundamentally change Israel's position in the world. Hamas stopped that.

In the longer term, Hamas' goal was to sow seeds of hatred in the minds of millions, to ensure that for generations to come there would be neither peace nor normalization between Israel and the Arab world. Hamas planned to carry out a particularly cruel massacre, and even took care to photograph and document the atrocities, in order to cause the Israelis as much pain as possible. Hamas assumed that Israel would respond to this massacre with tremendous force, which would also cause immense pain to the Palestinians. This was all a conscious part of the plan. The name that Hamas gave to its attack indicates its intentions. The attack was called "Tupan" - the flood. Like the biblical flood that destroyed humanity, Hamas intended to wreak havoc on a biblical scale. Does Hamas not care about the suffering that this war has inflicted and continues to inflict on Palestinian citizens? Hamas supporters certainly have different feelings and opinions, but the organization's basic worldview does not attach importance to human suffering. The highest goals of Hamas are dictated by religious fantasies. For Hamas, Palestinians who are killed in the war are martyrs, who now enjoy heavenly pleasures in heaven. As more people die, there are more martyrs who enjoy heaven. And as far as our physical world is concerned, from the point of view of a fundamentalist organization like Hamas, human society on earth can have only one goal - uncompromising loyalty to heavenly principles of purity and justice. Since in order to make peace one must always compromise on justice, organizations like Hamas reject any opportunity for peace, and demand that people will fight at any cost for absolute justice and absolute purity.

This, by the way, explains the apparently strange phenomenon of radical left-wing organizations in Western democracies that absolve Hamas of any responsibility for the atrocities in Israel and the humanitarian disaster in Gaza, and lay the full blame on Israel alone. The connection between the radical left and Hamas is the belief in absolute justice, the unwillingness to accept the complexity of this world, and the division of the world into pure good facing absolute evil. Justice is a noble goal, but the claim to absolute justice inevitably leads to endless war. There was not a single peace treaty in the history of mankind that did not require compromises, and that provided absolute justice.

Finally, Hamas' actual grand plan was that its surprise attack and the Israeli countermeasures would set the West Bank on fire, lead to an uprising of the Palestinian citizens of Israel, and also drag Hezbollah, Iran and other forces into the war, who together might land a blow on Israel that would shock and perhaps even destroy the country. This is the flood that Hamas wishes for. So how close is Hamas to achieving its goals?

As far as preventing an Israeli-Saudi agreement and destroying any chance for future peace and normalization between Jews and Arabs - then Hamas is very close to victory. As a matter of fact, Hamas has already achieved far beyond what it hoped for, because it has succeeded in sowing hatred not only in the minds of millions of Israelis and Palestinians, but also in the minds of hundreds of millions more people all over the world. Antisemitism is on the rise, while Israel's international standing is at an unprecedented low, even in the Western democracies that have been our allies for years. Every additional day in which Palestinians are killed or starved in Gaza advances Hamas another step on its path.

As far as dragging more forces into the war, so far Hamas' success is much more limited. But time plays in their favor. Hamas has already bet the whole jackpot, and even if so far they have not won the big prize, the roulette is still spinning. Every day a battle between Israel and Hezbollah, and every confrontation on the Temple Mount, are another round of the roulette. One wrong decision or a rocket that hits the wrong place may realize Hamas' grand plan and bring forth the flood.

And what about Israel? Do our tremendous sacrifices and the IDF's achievements on the battlefield bring us closer to our political goals? Even if Hamas has achieved some of its goals, perhaps we have also achieved some of our goals, so that a draw can be declared? These questions are very difficult to answer, because the Netanyahu government manages this war is without defining political goals. The government repeatedly says that the goal is to eliminate Hamas. Israel of course has a full right and even obligation to protect its territory and its citizens. The elimination of Hamas' military capabilities is also essential in order to open the way to future peace and normalization, because as long as Hamas possesses significant military power, it will use it to thwart any serious attempt at an arrangement. Whenever we get close to an agreement, Hamas will attack, as it did on October 7. But even if Israel succeeds in disarming Hamas, that is a military achievement, not a political goal. As stated before, the Americans in Iraq eliminated all the military power of Saddam Hussein and collapsed his regime, and still suffered a crushing political defeat. In 1982, Israel invaded Lebanon to eliminate the threat of Fatah. The threat of Fatah was successfully removed - and in its place we got the threat of Hezbollah. Does Israel have an orderly plan that explains how defeating Hamas leads to saving the peace treaty with Saudi Arabia, to a sustainable arrangement in Gaza, to the restoration of our international status, or to some other desired political goal? Without such a plan, it is impossible to make military decisions such as whether to attack Rafah or to cease fire.

When we have to choose between an attack in Rafah and a ceasefire, it reminds me of Alice in Wonderland who came to a crossroads and wasn't sure whether to turn right or left. She asked the Cheshire Cat which way she should go. The cat said to her: "Where do you want to go?" "I don't know," replied Alice. "Then," the cat decided, "it doesn't matter which way you choose." If we don't know where we want to go, how do we know if the road there leads through an attack in Rafah or through a ceasefire?

So does Israel have political goals in the war? It seems not. Some of the members of the government are captive to their own biblical visions and dreams of divine revenge and absolute justice. The prime minister, for his part, has not given a single speech since the beginning of the war in which he articulates his political vision, and it seems that this vision is summed up in one and only one goal: to retain his seat. The October 7 War extends by a month and another month, and the Hamas-ian flood threatens to drown the entire region in blood. It is impossible to wait until after the war to establish an alternative government that does have a political vision. The war is only a tool to achieve political goals. Letting a policy-less government lead a war is a sure recipe to defeat. No matter how many victories are achieved on the battlefield, and at what cost, it is impossible to translate a military victory into a political achievement if there is no policy.

Political goals are also essential for Israeli hasbara. If Israel chooses to initiate a certain military action, there are three main ways to justify it. It can be argued that this is revenge for October 7. That won't convince anyone but ourselves, because even our greatest friends think we've had enough revenge. It can be argued that everything we do is to free the hostages. It no longer convinces even the families of the hostages, certainly when only three were released militarily. The alternative is to present a political plan to the world, and explain why additional military operations are necessary to realize it. As long as the Israeli government does not present a political plan, Israeli hasbara has no chance of convincing world public opinion. And who knows, if we finally define political goals, maybe we will discover that there is no need at all for more military operations to fulfill them?

For all these reasons, it is necessary to immediately establish a government that has a political vision, based on striving for a sustainable compromise and not on biblical fantasies and demands for absolute justice. And if you insist on some biblical fantasy, then here is one: at the end of the flood, a dove with an olive branch in its beak arrived. Of course, after the October 7 massacre, compromise and peace seem completely impossible. But such things have happened before.

30 years ago, in 1994, a terrible massacre took place in Rwanda reminiscent of the horrors of October 7. In one day the Hutus tortured, raped and murdered thousands of Tutsis - men and women, elderly and children. Entire families and villages were wiped off the face of the earth. It was a horrifically brutal killing spree, with machetes, hatchets, hoes and clubs. The next day, it happened again. And the next day, it happened again. And the next day, it happened again. What the Israelis experienced on the terrible Saturday of October 7, the Tutsis experienced for about a hundred consecutive days between April 7 and mid-July 1994. It is estimated that during these hundred days the Hutus murdered about 800 thousand people and raped hundreds of thousands of women. The massacre ended when the Tutsi resistance movement defeated the Hutu army, and took control of Rwanda. About two million Hutus fled the country. 30 years later, peace reigns between the Tutsi and Hutu. The Tutsi leadership led a process of reconciliation and healing, and accepted back to Rwanda the vast majority of Hutus who fled. Today Hutu and Tutsi live together in peace in Rwanda, which is considered one of the most peaceful and prosperous countries in Africa. Recently it has even become a popular tourist destination. People fly on vacation to Rwanda and visit picturesque villages in the hills where Hutu and Tutsi live together, and the tourists are unable to believe what happened in their vacation spots just 30 years ago. If they succeeded, maybe we have hope too.

Jewish history can also teach us similar lessons. On October 7, many Israelis, including several members of my family and friends, experienced horrors reminiscent of the darkest moments of the Holocaust. But eight decades after the Holocaust, Germans and Israelis are now good friends. It is important to emphasize that healing processes such as those between the Tutsis and the Hutus and between the Jews and the Germans are not based on achieving absolute justice. How is such justice possible? Can anyone bring the corpses back to life, or put the scream back into the throat? As a historian, I know that the curse of history is the attempt to save the past. This attempt stands no chance. We cannot save the past. We must focus on the future. We need to heal the wounds of the past, instead of using them as an excuse for more and more new wounds.

After hundreds of thousands of Palestinians lost their homes in 1948, Arab countries expelled hundreds of thousands of Jews from their territories. Since then, wound haunts wound in a seemingly endless cycle of blood. But we don't have to continue this cycle indefinitely. There is a possibility of stopping it, as can be learned from the behavior of Palestinian citizens of Israel. When Hamas gave the signal for the flood, it hoped that the Israeli Palestinians would join the circle of blood and attack their Jewish neighbors. Many Jews - and quite a few Arabs - lived in fear that this was exactly what was going to happen. In practice, the behavior of the Palestinian citizens of Israel since October 7 is a ray of light in the darkness. On October 7 itself, some of the Palestinian citizens of Israel were murdered by Hamas while trying to help the Jews, such as Abd al-Rahman Al-Nassara of al-Kasifa, who was murdered by terrorists when he came to rescue survivors from the [Nova] party, and Awad Musa Darawshe of Iksal, who was killed near Kibbutz Re'im while helping the wounded. Every day that has passed since then, tens of thousands of Palestinian citizens have continued to serve faithfully in all the institutions of Israeli society, from hospitals to government offices, while their friends and relatives in Gaza face death, refugeehood and hunger. The chairman of the Joint List party, Iman Odeh, denounced the October 7 massacre, saying that these were "horrific scenes that cannot be described. I cannot accept that in the name of the Palestinian people innocents are being killed in this way," and Ra'am Chairman Mansour Abbas called the massacre "an inhumane and unjustifiable act that goes against the values ​​of Islam," and said that "the armed Palestinian organizations should lay down their weapons" and strive for peace with the State of Israel.

In order for all of us to have a real chance to get out of the cycle of bloodshed, the first step is to define a clear political goal for this war. Hamas has such a goal: to eliminate any chance of peace between Israel and the Arab world and the Palestinians. Israel's goal should be no less clear: to maintain the chance for peace. If Israel succeeds in disarming Hamas at the military level, but is left without a political horizon, then Hamas has defeated us.

#ישראבלר #been sitting on this opinion piece for a couple of days and finally got around to translating it #once again i'm glad that i don't waste time on writing my own pieces here #first and foremost because nobody cares as i've come to learn #but secondly because israeli peace activists just do it so much better than i ever could #anyway here's the daily prayer that bibi and his coalition end in prison as soon as possible a fucking men

[soul-of-rei]

smth smth reblog for larger sample size

#botw #breath of the wild #botw link #botw koroks #totk #<- already automatically assuming koroks will still be there and Even Worse #made this poll bc ive been playing through it again for permadeath and i am reminded of how much i Hate Basketball #but tbh #half expecting everybody to vote the rock cult puzzle just bc of that one lurelin korok . #ANYWAYS YES tumblr let us edit poll posts . the amount of time i have to take down a poll then reupload bc i fucked up the duration #is so many and has wasted so many poll posts bc i got lazy to type it all down again QJSJAJJAJA