What if we laid shirtless in a field, away from other people, kissed lazily and laughed loudly, pulled out the grass blades from each other's hair, held hands cause it'd be way too hot to cuddle and we needed to touch each other, even if just a little, what if...?
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Grateful for Once
I wish I felt as if this feeling wasn’t fleeting. I wish I trusted myself to not to backslide and become cynical again. Right now, I feel peaceful, like I have purpose. There is no pressure to find a job. I have the money in reserve to do a couple of creative projects, low-budget and fun, to see if I can really make a go of being creative on the internet.
Lord knows I’m certainly not doing myself any favors here, definitely not flattering myself, here. So maybe I’ll take to another platform for a while, still tacking away shitty little quips and one-liners at my own expense here, of course, but handling business elsewhere in addition.
It can only make me a better writer, having more experience under my belt. As I passively comb the world for a job, during my unending search for something both rewarding and fulfilling, I find myself at the crossroads of compromising on both, just throwing my arms up, giving up, and taking the hint that I’m meant to be a gruntworker until the day I die.
I’ve already got the bad back and kidney problems, all I need is to take up drinking or smoking cigarettes or gambling to be right where my parents were. I need to make this moment matter, I need it to mean something, and the only way I’ve found so far is by being humble and grateful.
Life only has the meaning that we inject to it, but tonight, as I finish up my chicken, rice, and baked mushrooms, and do my 25 pushups before bed, I realize that I’m thankful to even have a regimen to begin with, it nearly brings me to tears. I didn’t sleep as much as I wanted to last night, and maybe that’s contributing to the onset of emotion, but I’ve taken so much for granted.
I’d like to think that’s over, but we all know as much as I am human that it isn’t true. I’m going to flog myself for not being grateful, because you’re a source of pleasure for people when you thank them for their generosity. I find myself constantly trying to alter the course, when I would normally explode and self-destruct, now, I’m able to step back, retreat, garrison myself and recover.
I have so much to be thankful for, and I owe so many in my life for getting me this far, even if it is back in my parents’ place, tacking away at the keys as my life sand drips through the hourglass, I just hope that I’m doing something meaningful, to someone, I just want to be needed in that way, even if it’s across an ocean, thousands of kilometers away, hearing a voice of a friendly stranger sounds real good, right about now.
I won’t ask or beg for conference, coming from a guy who spends all his time on this site complaining, that would just be pathetic. I try to share the good, as well as the bad, even if the bad sometimes makes me feel stronger in a creative sense than the good, I still think that we can create bouquets from dead flowers, art from bad news, and love from hate. Smile, because you’re worth it.
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