#sorry okay im done vaguing. there's real things going on in the world that matter. the bad take is the mind killer etc etc | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

frenchphobic · 3 years

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long fucking post on why a c!dream is a shitty person and probably should not have a redemption because it is unpog

honestly i just want to refute dream apologists thats why im making this post. i think that dream as a villain is interesting but i think that trying to make him out to be secretly a good guy is just bad ngl. also /roleplay and all

tw for abuse and mentions of suicide

dream as a villain

dream is a villain. he is chaotic evil according to wilbur, deliberately does not stream to appear less sympathetic (and yet), and is set up as an antagonist to tommy who bears the title ‘hero’. dream is not a good person, no matter how you look at it or try to justify his actions.

‘but he wants to unite everyone to be a big family :((’ the ends dont justify the means believe it or not. having a vaguely positive goal does not excuse the actions you’ve done. it also goes hand and hand with saying dream is correct for punishing tommy the way he did because he acted up. if i socked you across the face and then suddenly said ‘sorry there was a roach on ur face’ does that make it okay? probably not i still punched you, enacting an unnecessary amount of violence. thats a very simple analogy i will admit and there are more complex comparisons. another example off the top of my head is say a child just scribbled all over you walls with crayons. would hitting them be a justified answer? if u said hes thats really fucked of u go seek help u loon. violence as a punishment is very toxic, just because it gets the job done does not mean it is okay. at the end of the day, you still committed this act and the harm you caused is real, having a good motive doesnt suddenly make it okay.

‘but tommy causes all of the conflict’ the disk war wasnt even caused by tommy, it was sapnap and then tommy got involved. and the reason why tommy even caused conflict was because of the discs, because he wanted them back. and most of the time there was a level of antagonism from another party, such as schlatt exiling him, dream taking the disks in the first place, dream threatening l’manberg. and if dream wanted to end the conflict so badly, why didnt he just give tommy back his disks? tommy upfront said everything started with the disks, so he wants them back so he could end the conflict. notice how after tommy got his disks back he has been staying out of conflict, apologizing to everyone, and the only bad thing hes done is try to scam people but everyone does that. this would have been the most peaceful option, yet dream chose the path that would further antagonize tommy which then draws everyone else into conflict. why did dream need to have leverage over tommy so badly? why did he want to hold power over tommy so badly? its because of control, and that’s ultimately dreams end goal. sure he wants a big server family, but would said family have a free will?

‘but dream is sad’ the thing is dream is completely at fault for everything that happened to him. he pushed away sapnap (and george ig). he tried to take control over the server and their possessions. literally everything that happened to tommy. literally everything involving ranboo. villains can be sympathetic, i am not arguing against that. but it does not mean that they should be left off the hook. that doesnt mean u should ignore the shit theyve done because ‘oh no theyre sad’ because it doesnt make anything better. dream had this shit coming for him.

now people also skirt around calling dream an abuser. which is fair ig, its a very loaded word. its much easier to say manipulated. that being said, dream can classify as abusive. and no, tommy is not abusive. abuse is about control and a power imbalance. dream has power over tommy, but tommy does not have power over dream, at least not in the way dream does. he’s taking back power to stand up for himself, dream uses power to control.

the reasons i listed for why dream is from the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project so if u want a source on that, there you go.

using coercion or threats: dream often threatened tommy, such as the pit thing and often employed violence on him. while normally this could be attributed to Normal Minecraft Player Go Smack. minecraft mechanics cannot always translate to real world since violence is pretty normal in minecraft however we also need to consider the context of the scene. dream gave an order, tommy refused, dream applies violence, tommy submitted. thats why its a threat, it has tangible effects that can correlate to real life.

using intimidation: dream blew up logsteadshire as a punishment. dream also destroyed tommys items anytime he visited. dream also hit tommy with his axe i believe. he killed mushroom henry, one of tommys pets.

Using Emotional Abuse: dream guiltripped the shit out of tommy for just hiding things and pinning the blame on tommy for just wanting his own private items. he definitely played mind games on tommy, pretending to be his friend. honestly i probably dont even need to go as in depth because it was so obvious.

Using Isolation: putting him in exile in the first place. destroying the bether portal so no one could visit tommy anymore. i really dont think i need to expand upon that.

Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming: dream in tommys stream when he got trapped said that exile wasnt that bad. he does shift the blame onto tommy for logsteadshire being blown up, even though dreams reaction was entirely unjustified for not listening and hiding.

Using Economic Abuse: see this is where i attempt to parallel minecraft mechanics to real life. obviously, there is no monetary system in place, so when i mean economic, i will use valuables such as armor, food, etc in place of currency. the idea behind economic abuse is to limit the victim’s resources so that they are dependent on the abuser and cannot escape. dream only really allowed tommy to have the armor he gave him while not giving access to armor so he does not regain a sense of power, and in the prison stream, dream holds all the potatoes which puts him in a position of power over tommy. this argument is more ambiguous i feel cause the whole minecraft mechanics thing is kinda weird so u don’t necessarily have to take this part in.

i feel like i need to emphasize this very strongly because dream is not a good person. abuse cannot and should not be a response to someone. its an awful mentality to have. i just want to prove the point that dream is not a good person, his reasons absolutely do not justify his actions.

what makes a good redemption

redemption arcs are tricky. when done right they are great. when done poorly, its a slap in the face. rn im going to establish a formula to what makes a good redemption with an example.

the most well known example of a good redemption is zuko from atla. first, its the magnitude of what theyve done and why. zuko did commit some shitty actions, since he was in a position of power in the fire nation but its because he is a child being abused and wanted to regain honor. zukos real awful acts was season 1 and the whole betrayal thing. thats not to say that zukos actions suddenly are okay, he did shitty things. but its something that can be traced to a higher entity or seem less malicious then the other villains. the thing also about the magnitude of actions is that there is a certain point of atrocities that there is no redemption. some people simply cannot be redeemed because the actions they commit are so ingrained in their character or the action itself has serious moral issues that it would just be wrong.

the next is acknowleding what they did was wrong. a genuine reflection on the self and analyzing what they did and why it was not okay. zuko realized what he did to uncle iroh was bad for example. he turned his back on his father, realizing he didnt and shouldnt seek acknowledgment from someone as heinous as him. its pointing out your actions and going ‘hey, this wasnt right i should not have done this’ and not even excusing ur actions. its also going straight for the root of the problem and figuring out to stamp it from the source. just because a character is sad does not mean they are reflecting, sometimes they are attempting to garner pity. it has to be direct and clear acknowledgement of the injustice.

and finally, an important part about redemption arcs is the actual redemption part. its when you make amends. zuko made amends with katara by trying to help her get revenge, he fought against the fire nation and tried to make things more peaceful in his rule. he apologized to iroh. an important part of the amends section is that it does have to be a genuine desire to change and become a better person, not to change a person’s perception of you. the thing is u cant expect a person youve hurt to forgive you. you cant expect people to be sympathetic towards you nor should u attempt to make urself sympathetic. u shouldnt be expecting a pat on the back or an award. redemption is about internal and character change.

why dream should not be redeemed

ive already established the key points to a good redemption (imo) but heres where dream falls short. his actions are extremely heavy so redemption may not even really be possible. abuse is not something you can wave off so it does cross to the point of fucked up. acknowledgement of what he did was wrong? all he said was that he changed, yet never explained why he changed or was too vague. he needed to label specifically what he did and bring it up. attempting to make amends? he’s been doing the exact opposite in fact he continues to manipulate tommy and ranboo. its not a genuine change. he is still repeating the cycle and has given no indication of ceasing. at the moment he does not have any signs of redemption.

and the thing is most of the attention around a dream redemption comes from either justifying his motives (which i do want to emphasize does not make anything suddenly okay) and because he is sad in prison sad face. these are not good reasons. its gonna pain me severely to bring this up but snape from harry potter does have some form of sad character ig yet he very much abused his authority to bully children as old as 11 just because he said ‘aight gonna die’ doesnt suddenly make his general bigotry and abuse suddenly okay there is a threshold. again im so sorry for using harry potter as an example none were coming to mind and i needed a popular one i do not like harry potter please dont say i do i would pass away.

and the last thing to consider is the audience. keep in mind that the audience is composed of minors and while yes there are adults, minors are the main component of the fandom. keep in mind that there are quite a few people who can relate to tommys character because they might be in the same position or have gone through his experiences. tell me what kind of message does it send to that audience that abusers can be redeemed. this is not a narrative u should push to this audience in these situations and the writers are seemingly aware of it. remember how in exile tommy spiraled into a suicidal mentality? consider how fucked of a message it would be if he just committed suicide instead of escaping abuse and attempting to recover from his experiences. tommy did an excellent job in not going that route and having a message of ‘it will not get better’. its the same thing here. victims are not obligated to care for or forgive their abuser, and portraying an abuser as sympathetic might fuck with the message a lot, even change their perception in that ‘oh, maybe my abuser was right, maybe they had a reason for treating me the way they did’. this is not to say that every victim watching this will internalize this message, but people also look up to these characters. there can be a degree of influence from the story onto oneself and thats the dangerous part.

conclusion

all in all dream is a shitbag asshole and probably shouldnt get a redemption because it would not be pog thanks for coming to my ted talk.

#dream smp #dsmp #tommyinnit #dreamwastaken

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jiminieloved · 4 years

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It's great that people would be okay with whatever their bond is but i honestly don't think i would :/ i've thought about it a few times and as lgbt i know i would be very disappointed of them doing things that very ""gay"" just for giggles and shit. and yes, they do know what they're doing. whether is real or not, they know exactly what it looks like. all of bts do. and this is something that's just in my head. jin said once somewhere "not like lovers" or something like when one of the others +

hugged him from the back in a photoshoot; so they know what their actions may come across. im sorry and maybe im way too strict with stuff like that, it's just that as a lesbian i cant come out to my family and lgbt people die and get beaten everyday around the world for the same things they could be laughing/playing around with. i dont think i would HATE them but i for sure wouldnt take them seriously anymore, not as a couple and i would probably lose a bit of respect for them individually. that aside, i think the whole "support" them thing it's actually meant romantically. like, if they're not a couple then there's nothing to support. you just bias them individually. i wanted to say also that i had wandered a little into the kpop world and the fetishization made me go back the way i came in the blink of an eye. i hate when girl members do this, too. i know there's a fair amount of kpop boys and girls who are lgbt, but there's also a lot of str8s who act like being gay is for show.

Okay this is going to be a bit of a long one because it’s a complicated subject and I don’t want to word something incorrectly.

I understand your gut reaction completely, but I think there’s a layer to my statement you might not have understood, because it’s something I’m always a bit vague about/hesitant to speak on for fear of backlash, so I’m probably at fault for this misunderstanding. I’m just going to say how I feel about Jikook, no euphemisms or beating around the bush.

A) Yes, fanservice culture is fetishization and I agree with your reservations about it completely. I spoke on my feelings about it here.

B) I think it’s pretty undeniable that Jimin and Jungkook have an extremely intimate relationship. It’s not really up for debate.

A moment like this doesn’t happen without an immense amount of established physical and emotional intimacy. This isn’t phony. Jungkook wouldn’t have done this in front of thousands of people (knowing it was being recorded by hundreds for millions to see) if he wasn’t already in a space with Jimin where this was an acceptable form of comfort and affection. With a few exceptions, I think most of us can agree that this isn’t regular behavior between friends, or even family. It’s something (typically) reserved for lovers. It’s not my place to say what they are to each other, but this does not fall under normal standards for Korean skinship.

So with all this being said, I think that it’s pretty clear that what we’re supporting is ‘real’, though I hate to use the term because it implies that other relationships between members aren’t real or genuine, which is not what I mean. What I mean is that we chose to support Jikook because we saw REAL interactions there that don’t fall in line with typical ‘friend’ behavior, and we want to support this.

When I say that if Jikook end up dating other people, we should support them anyway, it’s not because I don’t think what they have is special or tangible or ‘real’ in my eyes. But rather because they’re in a really complicated situation with a 1000 more variables in their relationship than even normal, non celebrity people have to deal with. Whether they’re just extremely intimate friends or more, they aren’t faking this for fanservice. It’s genuine interaction. As you said yourself, it’s one of the things that makes BTS stand out from your regular Kpop group. They don’t fake shit for fanservice, they embellish what’s already there.

And I’m sorry, but the example I showed above may have started as fanservice, but it evolved into something beyond fanservice halfway through.

My point about them having variables is that though clearly their relationship is extremely special and unique and full of love, they themselves are in a tough situation. You mention being a lesbian and not being able to come out, and how people around the world are attacked and murdered for being gay, and fanservice feels like a mockery to you. But remember- they live in this same harsh world we do. They live in South Korea, where being gay is still very much a taboo topic and by no means accepted by the general public. Gay marriage is not legal for them, there’s been almost no REAL representation in the media until extremely recently, and this is the culture they grew up in. Knowing what we know about their relationship, they’re in the same boat as you. They, if they are gay, can’t come out- they’re South Korea’s pride- they represent the entire country internationally. The amount of pressure on their shoulders is unimaginable. They are expected to be perfect, by Korea’s standards. Being gay does not fall within those standards. Remember a few months ago when Jungkook got into a minor fender bender? Somehow it became a national scandal. A minor mishap that a majority of the human population will go through at some point in their lives was blown up into a huge event and the public ripped him to shreds for it, trying to unearth every little detail and form it into a scandal. Now imagine if it was about their sexualities.

I think you know just as well as I do that Jungkook and Jimin’s interactions aren’t laughing and playing around with LGBT culture. There’s certainly problematic aspects to idol culture and it’s fetishization of LGBT people, but what they show us, I perceive as genuine. Whether or not they other come out as anything, or let us in on their private lives during this time period in retrospect, I think we can trust them to not have disrespected us in such a thoughtless way. Jungkook especially has proven to be a huge supporter of LGBT culture and artists. I don’t think he takes our lives as a joke.

If they end up dating other people, it could be for a multitude of reasons. Maybe they were always just extremely intimate friends, and had an agreement they could date whoever they wanted. Maybe they were friends with benefits, and again, agreed to date freely outside of this. Maybe they are in a defined relationship, and won’t date other people unless they break up. Maybe they fulfill all the actions of a defined relationship without the label, and things are uncertain between the pair even now. There’s sooo many variables and soo many ways the future could turn out. It’s impossible to know from the outside looking in.

Either way, my extremely long-winded point is that regardless of the future, Jungkook and Jimin’s actions aren’t here to make a mockery of LGBT people and queerbait. They don’t do that, and I’d like to believe they respect us as fans more than that. The way they act is genuine; there’s no faking the amount of intimacy and love they’ve shown towards each other for the camera to the extent that they have, for the amount of time that they have.

If they date other people in the future, it doesn’t detract from the depth and meaning behind their relationship now, no matter the label.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading.

#ask #i think this is the most important post i've ever made on my blog #jikook #kookmin #jikook analysis

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jenniferxprentiss · 4 years

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The Press of Your Lips Against Mine (Everything Is Going To Be Just Fine) -> 1/6

JJ/Hotch; read it on ao3 here

The first time Hotch lets himself kiss JJ, they’re in a small hospital room while Emily is being operated on. They’re both in her room, a small thing with only enough room to fit a hospital bed and a couple of chairs, JJ pacing the floor and wringing her hands. She was distraught, didn’t want to show her worry in front of the rest of the team that was waiting in the family room. Hotch stood, caught JJ by the arm and pulled her into him, let his lips press insistently into hers, surprised when she melted into his touch.

hihihi, im back at it again w the fluff and kiss fics because I am SO SOFT FOR THIS SHIT. idk, hope u all like it!

tagging people I think may like this? idk? love u all!! @heat-waveee @whiskey-fluent @ssaemilyprentits @f-m27 @garcias-batcave @anepiphany @davidrossi-ismydad && whoever else my jotch peeps are, lmk and I’ll tag u xo

——————

It felt like they had been waiting for days, time stretching and lines blurring in the sterile, white hospital room. In all reality, Emily had only been in surgery for around an hour, but JJ couldn’t seem to quell her nerves.

She couldn’t get the image of Emily’s lifeless form out of her head — the way her head lolled to the side when the gurney jolted, doctors running down the hallway and pushing her away, off to surgery.

With a shaky exhale, JJ stood again, unable to handle sitting down any longer. She was full of nervous energy, palms sweaty and body shaking, face soaked with tears that just kept silently falling. She tried to offer Hotch a small smile, something of solidarity and bravery, but her watery smile broke, eyes knitting together as her face crumpled again.

Damn it, she didn’t want to cry anymore.

The room was barely big enough for her to move around in, barely enough space to turn circles and pace, just enough room for the missing bed and two small chairs. She sighed, scrubbing her hand over her face as she studied Hotch.

He was perched on the edge of the hard plastic chair, elbows resting on his knees with a broken expression on his face. She knew he was taking this just as hard as she was — both of them overcome with so much guilt and devastation at the prospect of losing Emily, of having let Doyle win one last time.

“Jayje…” Hotch cleared his throat, sitting up a little taller and letting his hand graze the side of JJ’s arm. “Do you need some air?”

“No!”

Her response came quick, voice firm yet shaky, loud and a bit of something she didn’t entirely recognize in herself. JJ didn’t want to see the rest of the team — didn’t know if she had the strength to handle their questions and worry. She could barely keep herself together and functional, let alone the rest of the team.

“I’m sorry.” She stopped in front of Hotch, shooting him a watery half smile, unsure of what to say or do. “I don’t think I can. Face them, I mean. Not yet.”

Hotch nodded, understanding exactly what she meant. He knew it wasn’t entirely that, it was that JJ didn’t want to miss the call from witsec — didn’t want to be left out of the loop. He couldn’t bring himself to speak, couldn’t quite figure out the right words because truthfully, he didn’t know that everything would be okay.

He sat back in his chair, fingers tightly gripping his cell phone as they waited, JJ still pacing around the room and fiddling with her necklace. It was a locket, something small and silver and heart shaped that Hotch had recognized when she started playing with it, noticed the way it brought fresh waves of tears trickling down her face.

“This isn’t fair.” JJ’s voice was small, broken. There was a fear in her eyes and a shake in her voice, trying so desperately to stop crying, just for a minute.

Hotch shook his head, at a loss for words. It wasn’t fair that Doyle had done this, that Emily was fighting for her life on an operating table, that she was going to have to leave the only family she knew because of him, and the thought made his heart break and another wave of tears spring to his eyes.

“We’re going to have to tell the team.” His voice was solemn, face still as stoic as ever.

There was so much hanging in that statement, they both knew it. They were going to have to tell the team that Emily died, no matter the outcome, that Doyle had taken one of their own. They couldn’t celebrate if everything turned out okay — couldn’t rejoice and embrace and thank god that they had gotten to her on time.

“I don’t want to think about that.”

“I know.”

JJ continued to pace around the room, chewing absently on her fingernails. They were bitten down as far down into the nail bed as she could get, drawing blood with every nervous jerk of her hands. It was the only thing she could do to ground herself, to ease some of the nervous energy that the tiny, sterile hospital room seemed to only amplify with its crisp white walls and emptiness.

After what seemed like forever, there was a gentle knock on the door that echoed around the room, stopped JJ in her tracks and made Hotch sit up a little straighter in his seat. They stared at the doctor as he walked into the room, and JJ’s eyes immediately flickered down to the splatter of blood across the side of his scrubs.

“You’re here for Agent Prentiss?”

JJ found herself unable to move or think, eyes still laser focused on the splatter of blood and the gruff man’s voice. She was thankful when Hotch nodded, cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair, eyes focused on the doctor with a small, polite half smile painted on his face.

“She’s stable, in recovery now. She lost a lot of blood and she’ll have a long road of physical therapy ahead of her… but she’s okay. We’ll bring her down here once she wakes up.”

Time felt like it was standing still, and JJ could barely recognize her own voice when she thanked the doctor. They were left in a tense, numb silence when the door clicked shut. The silence was truly deafening, JJ’s ears ringing as she felt an overwhelming sense of relief wash over her.

She staggered to the window, small and metal lined and barely big enough to see outside, but enough to ground her. Her fingers wrapped around the ledge, fingers shining with streaks of blood, her face crumpling as she tried so hard to stay composed. The relief and fear and guilt was too much, and she struggled to take a shuddering breath in, knowing that the sobs would follow.

Hotch was behind her, strong hand on her bicep, a feeling of comfort and strength and understanding. He knew how hard this was going to be for them — how much they were going to have to go through, unable to tell anyone else.

He pulled on her arm gently, pulled her towards him and brushed his thumb over the tears that continued to slip down her face — they had both been crying on and off since they found Emily. She let out a choked, strangled sob, one so full of relief and happiness, feeling her body melt into his, her hands grasping at his arms in an attempt to hold onto something real, something tangible.

She didn’t care that her fingers were staining the crisp white linen of Hotch’s dress shirt, didn’t care that she was leaning into his touch in a way she would never let herself for fear of breaking professionality. This was different, and nothing would be the same between them — between them and the team, for that matter.

“Jen…” His voice was watery, laced with unshed tears. “We’re going to be okay. Em is okay.”

JJ let her cheek lean into his hand, her fingers digging into his arms through the material of his shirt. There was a vague red flag thrown up in the back of her mind, that she shouldn’t be leaning into his touch or looking at his lips like that, but couldn’t bring herself to care. Not now, not with everything going on.

There was a tense silence for a moment, only the sounds of faint beeping from other rooms and JJ’s ragged, tear filled breathing between them. It was too silent, the room felt too suffocating, but they knew the moment they stepped out of there — stepped out of Emily’s hospital room — they would be planning a funeral for a friend they never lost, and Emily would be dead to the world.

In a brief moment of courage, Hotch felt himself lean down, lips brushing across JJ’s forehead before his eyes caught her lips. His free hand came to the back of her head, resting atop the tangled hair he found there, and pulled her into him, his lips covering hers in a gentle kiss.

She tasted of tears and the metallic tang of blood, her lips peeling and chapped, their lips fitting perfectly against each other’s. Hotch was surprised to feel JJ kissing back, fingers grasping at his biceps tightly.

After what felt like forever, they finally pulled apart, blushing and smiling shyly at each other. Hotch let out a breathy laugh, hand coming up to smooth out his hair before brushing the rest of the tears off of JJ’s face. There was no sense of awkwardness between them, as Hotch grabbed his suit jacket off of the chair and put it back on, JJ gazing at him with a small smirk playing on her lips.

It was better than tears, he reasoned to himself.

“We should go tell them… tell the team. Send them home before she’s out of recovery.”

His voice was firm, authoritative in a way that JJ appreciated in that moment. She ran her fingers through her hair, trying to pull out the worst of the knots before grabbing a paper towel and wiping at her face, grimacing at the scratchy material. They were both stalling and she knew it — stalling because the moment they walked out of that room, things would never be the same.

Emily Prentiss was dead.

JJ felt a gentle hand on the small of her back, guiding her out of the room and down the hallway, felt the sting of fresh tears in her eyes as they rounded the corner into the family waiting area. The rest of the team was in a similar state of disarray — wringing their hands and pacing and crying — and JJ felt her stomach knot up in dread at the news they were about to deliver.

There was the gentle tickle of dancing fingers on the small of her back again, bringing a gentle smile to her lips. Hotch was there. He knew. They both knew. They were going to be okay — everything was going to be okay because they were okay, Emily was okay. The world was falling apart beneath them but there were few small points of solace she could find.

Emily Prentiss was dead to the world, but not to them.

#my writing #jennifer jareau #emily prentiss #jotch #aaron hotchner #hotch #jj x hotch #sfw this time #another fic!#for u to enjoy!!#Happy Saturday!!

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fairycosmos · 4 years

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tried to kill myself last week n slept it off for 24+ hrs before telling my mom. she couldnt take me to the hospital bc we don’t have insurance n my case manager ended up calling dcs /: (ill be 17 next month) rn i feel like theyre waiting for me to say myself i dont wanna live here rather than just removing me bc technically i am safe but im not ready to do that even tho i know i should let them find me help. i feel like theyre waiting for me to mess up to decide themselves. i just feel lost man

oh god, i’m sorry for the late response and that you’re in this position at all, man :( i literally cant imagine how difficult everything must feel right now, and i dont blame you at all for being lost. most 16 yo olds are, but add something like this into the mix, and it’s no surprise that you’re feeling so conflicted and hurt all of the time. i know it hurts to process such vitriolically negative emotions, but it’s also a normal human response. imo, what the real focus should be on, is doing what you can to cope in a healthy or safe way. even if some days, that just looks like crying in your room and waiting for it to pass. but anyway, i want to say that i’m genuinely glad you’re still here, and i hope that one day you can feel that way too. it’s wonderful that you’re alive, and the world would be missing something if you were gone. even if you dont know it right now, and even if you can’t see it in this moment, there is so much growth and positive change waiting in your future. it’s actually inevitable, and nobody really tells you that when you’re a teenager, but it’s kinda true from what i’ve observed. the natural progression of things, the natural process of growing up, makes things feel a lot more manageable. that probably doesn’t feel like a real train of thought to the present day you, but honestly even in the 3 yrs since i was 16, the entire basis of my perspective has changed. especially bc as an adult you’re able to control so much more of your life and the mental health resources that are available to you. it’s all waiting for you, and it’s nothing to be scared of. you dont have to know what to do next and you dont have to have a solid concrete plan. i’m not sure that they’re waiting for you to ‘mess up’, because trying to do what’s right for your own health doesn’t count as ‘messing up’, whatever you decide is okay. it’s a really hard decision to make and i totally understand why you don’t know where to begin. but i think it could help to just have an honest conversation with yourself about what you really need in terms of where you live. try to block out judgement and what you ‘think’ you should do. where do you see yourself thriving, where you do see your needs being met? where do you see improvement, and guidance? are you able to work with your case manager to figure out some sort of middle ground, some sort of compromise? i get that actually taking such a step is way way easier said than done, but you can take it at your own pace over the course of the next two years while you figure out what would be best for you.

i know you said you don’t have healthcare, and i’m not entirely sure how things work where you are. but do you think it’s possible that there could be a support group for young people in your area, or a mental health center/crisis team, literally anything at all that could lend you some support? maybe you could talk to your case worker about this, too? there could also be someone at school available, like a counselor or even just a teacher you trust. another option is to call a mental health hotline to see what they think your options are. and i know these ideas sound vague, and like theyre impossible to take seriously, but i’d really appreciate it if you gave them some real thought. it’s alright to be scared, but the fear of reaching out literally doesn’t compare to the fear of staying silent and letting this get worse on your own. mental health conditions are just as serious as physical ones and sometimes they need genuine medical attention in order to learn to live with them, and that’s absolutely alright. having someone to talk to who is trained to offer you the tools you need can really make a massive difference. they’ll be able to advise you on what the next step should be, in terms of your personal development. initially saying that you need help out loud is the worst part, sometimes you have to force the words out....but it still counts, every small effort does. i just want you to know that a better future is possible and is much more likely than the awful one you’re envisioning, no matter where you go from here. if you’re unable to receive professional help at this time, then i hope you’re able to engage in healthier coping mechanisms anyway even if they don’t work every time. i’ll leave some links that may be helpful to you when you’re in a low moment. not saying they’re supposed to fix everything, but they’re supposed to calm you down and give you some clarity so you dont make an impulsive decision. i promise you’re capable of pulling yourself back from the brink of sadness, and i promise you’re capable of getting through this. every day you survive, you’re learning how to make it all feel lighter someday. i wouldn’t say any of this if i didn’t believe in you. despite my extremely limited perspective of your life, i can see that you’re smart and you’re young and you just want to find some stability. the more you focus on yourself and your own well being, even when you want to self destruct, the calmer things will seem. so like i said before, take all the time you need to consider the choices available to you, and then try to get through each day as it comes. if that feels like too much, one hour. minute by minute is more than good enough. im proud of you for surviving and for being the person that you are. if you ever need a friend or if you want to talk, i’ll be here. you’re not as alone as you want to believe, and so many people can relate to your circumstances because they’ve gotten through it. you will, too. you dont have to have it all figured out, that’s not your responsibility. you just have to keep trying and working with what you’ve been given. im rooting for you.

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/speakingoutaboutselfinjury/2018/11/immediate-coping-mechanisms-for-self-harm

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/teenagers-guide-to-depression.htm

https://www.healthista.com/15-daily-self-care-tips-help-depression/

https://bebrainfit.com/stress-management-techniques/

#tw suicide #i think its hard to internalize words of advice when ur in such a negative place but this will always be here for u to refer back to when #ur ready to hear it or consider it #<3

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kachinnate · 4 years

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we’ve finally come time for the one (1) annual Kayla’s Having a Bad Time post

i don’t know anymore what exactly is wrong with me but wow!! is it bad!!! and wow do i hate it !!!!! i have not gone a day w/o crying in like a week and a half and i’m so tired, i’m literally so tired of hating myself just for existing and i’m tired of all the little things that should not upset me upsetting me only because they’re in masse, only because all together it’s so much and i only have two fucking hands

and like in the back of my mind even fucking still i’m like “.... okay but placebo effect. okay but you aren’t really sad tho. okay but you literally just don’t want to get better you are doing this for attention you are doing this bc being content would be easy and you just want to stir the pot clearly, just stop” to the point where i’m like I Guess I Have To Prove to even myself that i am fucking justified in feeling the way that i do before my brain gaslights itself into thinking that there was never anything wrong with me to begin with and that i’ve fucking put myself in this hole myself for no reason other than ... i don’t even know! i don’t know

makes a list in my notes :) to remember all the heinous bullshit going on :) and maybe for catharsis reasons i don’t fucking care anymore

- it’s the anniversary of the thing. you know. ;) the kind of traumatic experience of having the people i called best friends fucking uhhh pick on me every day for the entirety of like eight months - on my eating habits on my behavior on my anxiety on the things they knew i fucking hated about myself - only for them to just. drop me all of a sudden, on THEIR own terms, as if I was the one who fucking did anything to THEM, thus rendering me from never getting my own fucking closure from the situation ! i have both of them still added as friends on snapchat and i follow them on instagram because for some reason i know that if i just blocked them it would cause problems (what problems?? what arbitrary fucking problems???) seeing their faces makes me feel literal actual dread, i can’t go to one of the restaurants in my town alone because they work there and i hate it ! i hated every second of april 2019 - september 2019 where i felt fucking psychotic for being upset over this situation, where i couldn’t convince myself that i wasn’t insane for being strung up and i couldn’t even call it trauma until like march when someone coined it that for me themselves lol ,,,, i hate myself for still giving them my thoughts, i hate myself for wondering that in a different universe where i wasn’t as fucking stupid or ditzy if they’d still talk to me. i hate myself for wondering if ***** looks at the message i left on her poster last april where i told her how much i admired her and loved her and thinks about me, because that was probably the last time i ever said anything real to her, which... haha. what a JOKE right?

- my rsd has somehow fucking spiked and gotten so much worse in like.. the last eight days. literally when i first posted ‘sweet hibiscus tea’ i went and checked it a few days after and it had like. two dislikes? and i like. cried? :) which is so dramatic and i hate it djksgndsg i can’t go a day reading messages or texts from anyone who talks to me without finding one that’s not inherently positive and picking it apart until i’ve hurt myself over something that wasn’t even related, im too sensitive about EVERYTHING but i don’t know how to address it or deal with it so i just don’t which i think is... why it’s getting worse oop. it gets triggered by literally fucking everything i hate it here

- one of the only things bringing me any sort of serotonin rn is making content. hense the hyperfixating on my r and on this oneshot and on the writing meme things, like. it makes me feel productive, but hyperfixating for me oftentimes leads to a bad headspace which makes me fucking disoriented when i come out of it, and like. ofc there’s the typical things w it too like me forgetting to do other shit like eat or whatever but it’s literally been the only way i can cope with myself. making things. getting validation for things. if i can entertain someone for like, ten minutes, maybe anything i do matters. maybe. fuck.

- i can’t not self isolate myself when things are bad, i just. can’t sdjgnsd like i hate talking about myself i hate talking about the way i feel because nothing makes sense?? i encourage people to talk to me when they feel bad but i can’t ever do the same for myself because i’m a hypocrite! and like the feelings of worthlessness overpower everything i do! convince me people don’t care and shit when i know that’s not the case, but if i acknowledge that then i have to think about how i’m being selfish by fucking moping but not talking to anyone, and i just! i cannot win !!! ever!

- ^^^^ on that note, literally the few times i’ve felt okay recently i’ve had that ripped right from me by little things people close to me have done, like !! can you not vague me?? regardless of if you see that i’m doing bad mentally or not ???? i’m begging you , i’m so sorry that i’m not acting normal but can you for one second maybe consider that i’m a person ? i may be SAD but i’m not fucking STUPID so if i bother you just tell me ??? it’s the least you can do ??????

- scared i can’t love. scared i’m not morally a good person. scared that i’m selfish but don’t realize it. i wasn’t meant to have a confidant i don’t think and who am i to ever try and subject anyone to my fucked up head

- i’m constantly fucking terrified on my dad’s behalf because this dude is 41 years old yet i’m the fucking adult out of the two of us most of the time? he comes home drunk so often and i’ve thought that he’s had alcohol poisoning more than once and i hate being fucking scared of having to like. contact fafsa or my college like “hey can u adjust my financial aid, because i’m kind of an orphan now? :’)” we don’t have any other family, i can’t ask anyone to help me it’s literally me and him against the world and he’s put me on this pedestal of being an amazing daughter so i feel guilty at the thought of anything happening to him as if i’m his fucking guardian. he drinks so much and he’s so infidelious and ridiculous so what’s going to happen when i leave ?

it’s just. so much. but i don’t want to be a beacon of negative shit because even after all of this i’m self conscious of making other people sad so i pretend that everything’s fine on my sc and in person , which i know gives off the vibe of “but she’s not even acting sad? :///” when i offhandedly mention anywhere that i’ve been depressed and i just. i’m sorry that i don’t post about how when i’m not staring at my huion screen i’m fucking staring at the wall wondering if anyone would fucking notice other than my dad and my coworkers if i just disappeared without a word

it feels selfish to complain about my life feeling bad with all the shit going on, too, on top of that. so it’s better if i just don’t say anything at all, there’s other shit to deal with other than my life falling apart because really this just happens every year around this time doesn’t it. i’ll get over it. i’m being dramatic and stupid and in like two months none of this will even fucking matter

tldr; i need to get my meds upped or something

#irrelevant #do not be obliged to say anything i really just needed to scream on somewhere that wasn't snapchat #bc for legal reasons people don't need to know how i feel <3 #garbage.txt #if you're new here i swear that this isn't normal i'm just fucking bad rn #we'll be back to memes and content momentarily #not proofread #can't look @ this rn #gonna drink some hawaiian punch and probably work on #something #as always <3 #vent #ask to tag #i don't think there's anything particularly Jarring in this but #tw alcohol #longpost #long post

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theintelligentfool · 4 years

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heyyyy im trying my hand at writing romance-ish stuff and posted the results! lmk what you think :)

“Oh, for the love of-” Ajax groaned, quietly, under his breath. The elevator door had opened to let someone in. And it was a face he’d recognize anywhere, even in civilian clothes.

It was none other than his archnemesis, Professor Sinister, the most dastardly supervillain in the city. His jet-black hair and cool blue eyes were the same as in-costume, as were his sharp facial features that his domino mask didn’t cover. His distinctive black cape and tuxedo-esque costume were gone, however, and in its place was a plain grey turtleneck and cream-colored jeans.

It was odd, seeing the Professor in casual civilian’s clothing, though Ajax had to admit it looked good on him. Not that the costume didn’t, but it was... oddly humanizing to see his archnemesis dressed like a normal person. Ajax had heard other people refer to the Professor as attractive before, and while he hadn’t disagreed, he felt like he understood those people a little better now. Not that it meant anything, of course. The Professor was his sworn enemy, evil, and all that.

The Professor didn’t seem to recognize Ajax, which was good, though it was uncomfortable standing right next to him in the small elevator. Ajax didn’t know what he’d’ve done if the Professor had recognized him. Have a fight, maybe? That’s what usually happened when they interacted. But the elevator was a small, confined space, and he was in civilian clothing. And also on the way to a job interview, though if Professor Sinister worked here, Ajax was fairly certain he didn’t want to anymore. He’d still go to the interview, of course, but if he could find anything else, he’d decline to work there.

The elevator stopped. Ajax checked the buttons. It was his floor. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the Professor doing the same thing. The doors opened. There was nothing but a wall in front of them. Ajax didn’t dare speak, for fear of getting recognized, but internally he was cursing up a storm.

The Professor groaned. He pressed the ‘call’ button on the elevator.

“Hello? Can anyone hear me? The elevator is stuck between floors, assistance required.”

It took a couple of minutes- a couple awful, agonizing minutes that stretched like hours- but there was a response. “Remain calm. The elevator is being repaired. It should be freed within five hours.” “Thank you.”

The elevator beeped again, signaling the call was over. Ajax could no longer contain his rage. “No! No, no, no, for Christ’s sake! I can’t be trapped here!” He started pounding, futilely, against the walls of the elevator.

The Professor looked at him, raising a single eyebrow. “Claustrophobic, are you? Anyway, don’t forget, you’re not the only one trapped here.” “I’m not claustrophobic at all, actually. And I am well aware that I’m trapped in here with you, of all people, by the way.” Confusion and concern flickered across the Professor’s face for a brief moment, an expression Ajax was usually thrilled to see. “Rude,” he said, after a brief pause. “What on earth do you mean, me of all people?” “Forget it.” Ajax huffed, sneering, before he sat down against the wall. “We’re gonna be trapped here for a while. I want to interact as little as possible in that while, if you wouldn’t mind.” “...Sure.” The Professor sat down as well, rolling his eyes.

A few minutes passed. Ajax was very pointedly not looking at the Professor. The Professor, however, kept glancing at him.

“I’m sorry, you just- you seem very familiar to me. Do I know you? Have we met before?” Ajax suddenly laughed. “You could certainly say that, Lefty.” The Professor suddenly stiffened. “But the only person who calls me th-” “It’s me, Teach. Now the big reveal’s outta the way, can you please shut up? Bad enough I’m stuck here with you and you’ll probably use my civilian identity against me, but can we at least not make it any worse than it has to be.”

The Professor sneered, his entire demeanor changed. “Whatever you say, Cap’n.”

Ajax didn’t even comment on the Professor’s mockery of his name. It’s Captain, and he knew it, as he would often point out. Captain Incredible, and don’t you dare forget it. But he just was not feeling up to a banter. “Listen, if you want to have a fight, go for it, but we’re both in civilian clothes and this elevator has barely enough room for the two of us to sit. Anything more than slapping is going to end up badly for the both of us.” The Professor blinked in surprise, another expression Ajax would have loved to see on him at any other time. “What, that’s it? No correction? No banter? Are you sure you’re actually Captain Incredible…?” He furrowed his brows.

“Yes.” Completely deadpan, Ajax shut his eyes. He rubbed his forehead in a way he rarely felt the need to do in the presence of his nemesis, or while in costume at all. He felt a headache coming on.

Slightly stunned, the Professor went quiet. Thank God for that, Ajax thought.

A few more minutes passed, when finally the Professor couldn’t take it. “Really? No banter at all? None? Not a single witty joke or sarcastic remark or flippant one-liner?” “Fine, here’s a one-liner: I’m really not in the mood for banter. Or, for that matter, conversation.” “Technically, that’s two lines.” “Listen, lefty, I told you- I’m not in the mood today.”

“Wow. I know I’ve always said you need to shut up and stop making jokes, but it’s honestly really weird not hearing them from you. Are… Are you okay, Cap?” The Professor looked extremely uncomfortable as he asked. Ajax laughed humorlessly. “Wow, lefty, asking your sworn enemy if he’s okay? Are you going soft? One wonders what that will do for your reputation.” He carefully dodged the question, not really feeling like lying, even to the Professor. “It’s just the two of us trapped in an elevator. My reputation is irrelevant right now. And if you try and tell anyone it even happened, I’ll deny it ‘till the day I die.”

Ajax rolled his eyes, but he was feeling a little bit better. Their banter always seemed to lift his mood. “Can I ask a question?” “Go for it, teach,” Ajax said flatly. He wasn’t feeling that much better, though.

“Why do you call me ‘lefty’? Literally no one else does and I have always wondered. I’m not even left-handed!” The Professor gestured as he spoke, pointing at his left hand. “Oh, easy question. I thought you already knew. I looked up synonyms for ‘sinister’ online one day, and apparently it also means ‘left-handed.’ Who knew?” “That… that answer makes more sense than I thought it would,” admitted the Professor.

To this, Ajax simply shrugged. He didn’t really have enough energy to continue the conversation.

About an hour passed in silence far more comfortable than sitting practically right next to your sworn enemy should be. After a while, the Professor even brought out his phone.

“You know there’s no real signal in here, right?” “I know, I’m just playing Tetris.” “Shut up, there is no way in hell that you, the officially most dastardly supervillain in the entire city according to a recent census poll, literal evil incarnate, genuine public nuisance, disruptor of the peace, actual literal supervillain, child kidnapper, the world’s worst jerk, the guy-”

“You done?” “-with the literal worst score in the history of ratemyprofessor, horrible interrupter of sentences, frequent guest star in children’s nightmares, plays freaking Tetris.” “I have hobbies outside of evil, you know.” The Professor seemed vaguely miffed. “Sure you do.” Ajax over-exaggeratedly rolled his eyes.

A few more moments of comfortable silence passed, marked only by the very faint Tetris theme playing from the Professor’s phone. Ajax resisted humming along, for the most part.

“Okay, wait, hang on, what’s your high score?” He had to ask. “Eh?” The Professor paused his game and looked up, tilting his head slightly to the right. “On Tetris. Your high score.” “378,067. Why?” Ajax checked his own phone and compared scores. “Oh, damn it!” “Oh? Do you happen to have a lower high score than I do?” The Professor did a full-on evil cackle, at least partially for comedic sake. He was really good at the manic cackle.

“By literally thirty points. I swear to God-” “Ha! This is great. You’ve practically admitted your inferior intelligence to me.” Ajax went bright red. His intelligence was a sore subject. “Thirty points is almost nothing, and you know it.” “But do you? That’s the real question. Can your tiny monkey brain comprehend numbers properly?” Ah, yes, the most antagonistic side of their banter, usually where the Professor mocked some trait of Ajax’s, and Ajax would respond with a rude comment of his own. It was always about as good-natured as the rest, but for this particular topic, Ajax was a little less willing to crack jokes or put up with harsh comments. “I don’t know why I’m even talking to you.” “Exactly: you don’t know. You’re incapable of using logic and reasoning. Something unsurprising to anyone who’s known you for more than ten minutes.” The Professor grinned, all teeth. “Just… Just shut up, alright? I really don’t need to hear any more comments about my intelligence or lack thereof today, okay? Please?” His voice cracked a little, and internally, he cursed himself for it. The Professor blinked in surprise. This was not a usual occurrence. Usually, the two would match each other, comment for comment, attack for attack. It rubbed on them both the wrong way whenever the dynamic became unbalanced in either direction, Ajax knew that much. It always made him feel guilty, somehow, when it was unbalanced in his favor. He wasn’t sure about why the Professor disliked it, though. Ajax liked to think the Professor also felt bad when the dynamic was unbalanced in his favor, though that was just wishful thinking.

The Professor, in a surprising turn of events, shut up.

“...Thank you.” Ajax mumbled, quietly.

The Professor nearly jumped in response to the thanks, looking startled, and then like he finally had the last piece of a puzzle.. “You’re not Captain Incredible! You’re some sort of clone! That explains the lack of proper banter, too… You’re an insult to his name!” The Professor leaped to his feet, seemingly ready to attack. Ajax raised an eyebrow. “Since when do you care when my name is insulted? Half the time, you’re the one that’s insulting it.”

“It’s not your name, it’s the Captain’s name.” The Professor wrinkled his nose in distaste.

Ajax rolled his eyes. “Is this the part where I’m supposed to answer a question only I would know the answer to?” “Very funny, clone. What have you done to the real Captain Incredible?!” “Again, since when do you care what anyone’s done to me? You’re the one to... do things to me, for lack of a better way to phrase it, well over half the time.” “I’ve done nothing to you, clone. That accusation might be fair game if you were the Captain. But, as you are not, that accusation is null and void and meaningless.” The Professor glared. “I swear to god, lefty. This is getting old fast. I’m the real me, the real Captain Incredible, you got me to admit it live on the elevator camera that may or may not exist and the microphone that may or may not exist. Well done, you did your evil scheme, but jokes on you, I have stopped caring.” The Professor seemed a little startled. “What evil sch- Oh, actually, that would have been fairly clever…” The Professor paused for half a moment, considering it, before snapping out of it. “But no, I wasn’t planning on anything like that. And that’s another proof you’re not the real Captain, you don’t care about his secret identity. I once saw him nearly- key word, nearly- kill a lower-level villain for even implying he knew his name. At least stand up and fight me or something instead of just sitting here.” Ajax did not stand up. “Wasn’t my proudest moment.” He shrugged. “Listen, Prof, I’m telling the truth. I’m me!” He exclaimed, exasperatedly. “If you wanna know so bad why I haven’t been bantering or what have you and don’t really care about my secret identity even half as much anymore, you could've just asked! God, you’re so dramatic.” Ajax was not always against his nemeses’ tendency to err on the dramatic side of things, being a fair bit dramatic himself. But it was rather annoying at times.

Ajax took a deep breath. “My girlfriend found out about my secret identity about a month ago and broke up with me. It was messy. It was horrible. My heart was broken. And to make it worse, she pulled some strings and got me fired from my job. I’ve been officially unemployed for the last three weeks because she was mad about me keeping a secret from her even though the secret could have cost her life. I’ve been a mess! She kicked me out of our apartment, too, and now I’m living with my old college roommate and trying desperately to get another job. I’m here to apply, actually.”

Ajax took another deep breath. “Today in particular’s been really rough because almost the entire time I was there at the apartment this morning, my roommate kept making passive-aggressive comments, mainly about my intelligence, which has always been a bit of a sore spot for me anyway.”

“What a complicated backstory for a clone.” The Professor narrowed his eyes. “Lefty, I swear to whatever god is listening, I’m not a clone. You know what, I’ll even tell you something to prove it, something I’ve never willingly told anyone who’s met Captain Incredible. My name is A-” “No.” The Professor shook his head vividly.

“Eh? It’s what you always wanted, isn’t it? Know my name, go after my family, make life a living hell for everyone I’ve ever loved? I don’t care anymore. I’ve got no real friends outside the Heroes’ League, my family disowned me years ago, and ‘everyone I’ve ever loved’ is a list that seems to be shortening itself.” “Look, clone, I don’t know how much of what you said is true, and I don’t care to find out. I owe the real Captain Incredible at least that much respect. I’m not interested in uncovering his identity, name or other details aside. And what’s more, I don’t want a clone of him telling me anything he doesn’t want me to know.”

Now it was Ajax’s turn to blink in surprise. “That was… honestly surprising to hear. And kind of nice, if I’m being honest. It’s nice to hear you hold me in such positive regard, lefty. I think I kind of needed to hear that at least someone does. That, and I think that’s the actual nicest thing you have ever said to me.” Why did he want to smile at that? It wasn’t that nice of a comment, and surely he couldn’t be that desperate for praise- from the Professor, of all people.

The Professor seemed to soften a little, before immediately hardening again. He sat back down. “I still don’t think you’re the real Captain, but you don’t seem immediately hostile.”

“Well jeez, real sweet. Not immediately hostile. This whole clone thing is driving me nuts, teach. How can I prove to you I’m the real me?”

“Well, obviously, you can’t. Any personal secrets, I wouldn’t be able to verify, and most of our interactions show up regularly in news articles.”

“Seriously? Nothing I can do? At all?”

The Professor thought for a moment. “Fine. A question only you and I would know the answers to. I thought of one.” “Well? Get on with it.” “Where did our real first battle take place? Not the one that got published and shown on TV, but the one with just the two of us where you called me a lily-livered cur.” A ghost of a smile seemed to flicker across the Professor’s face at the memory, but it was gone before Ajax could be sure. “Uh, hang on. I know it was somewhere by Central Park, I think, ‘cause there was that mugger and it was right by my apartment… Ha, that was when we still had our first costumes. Gosh, we looked so stupid. Anyway, final answer, Central Park, by the hydrangea bush. I remember it almost fondly, truth be told.” He probably shouldn’t remember it fondly. It was a battle with his archnemesis. But it was his first battle with him, and they’d both been so stupid about the whole thing, and it was funny to think about and somehow incredibly nostalgic. Which made it a pleasant memory, despite his knowing better. “Well, damn. It really is you. I mean, unless whatever pretending to be you is able to see your memories… Or you told someone and I didn’t know…” “Lefty. I’m warning you.”

“Fine, fine. Paranoia off.” The Professor mimed flicking a switch off, to prove his point. Ajax tried not to smile at that.

Ajax took a deep breath. “Does that mean you believe me about everything else now, too?” “Yeah, I guess so. Sorry to hear it, by the way. That sounds like it really sucks.” “You’ve got absolutely no idea, Teach.” Ajax chuckled humorlessly, but still managed to crack a small smile. And at that, silence fell over the two of them. Once again, it was a far more comfortable and companionable silence than any silence between two sworn enemies has a right to be.

“Attention, passengers of elevator 7B! There have been delays in attempts to fix the elevator. The projected time for your rescue is now ten hours. Over and out.” “WHAT?!” Ajax screamed. “No! No no no! Come on!”

“What, can’t stand any more time in my company? I’d rather thought we’d been starting to get along.” “We’re still sworn enemies, you know. And I still don’t like being trapped for ten hours with anyone.” Ajax sighed. “Besides, you’re still evil.” He said that as much to say it to the Professor as he did to remind himself of the fact. “And what exactly is that supposed to mean?” The Professor asked, clearly upset. Ajax briefly regretted his comment, but did his best to ignore it.

“You’ve still hurt people, stolen from people, committed heinous crimes against the citizens of this city. A villain’s a villain, teach. You were voted the official single most dastardly supervillain in the city for a reason.” Again, Ajax was speaking to the Professor as much as he was saying it to remind himself. This man is not your friend, Ajax, he reminded himself. “Hey, y’know what? I’m the only prominent supervillain in this city, probably in this continent, even, without a death count. That’s gotta count for something.” The Professor almost looked genuinely hurt, but Ajax hadn’t seen him with that vulnerable of an expression before enough to tell. “I hurt people mainly when it is unavoidable. I’m mostly just about teaching everyone a lesson, you know that better than anyone. It’s not like there was any other way to get my message heard, and to get people to listen.” “Oh yeah? And what message exactly is that, huh?”

“The rich have done nothing for our city. Our country. The lower classes suffer, straining under the weight of the upper class, the 1%, and so does the climate. But apparently, pointing that out and trying to actually do something about that is villainy.” “No, that’s activism. Honestly, it's a great ideology, in theory, and I could respect you for it, but that’s not exactly what you’ve been doing. Kidnapping the mayor’s son, however, and holding him hostage? That is villainy.”

The Professor gave a shrug. “It’s the only way he would listen, and the only reason I did that was so I could get him to pass a law restricting pollution here in the city. But before I could even send the ransom note- and really, is it even ransom since I wasn’t asking for money?- you and several other quote-unquote “heroes” showed up to take the little brat back. I didn’t hurt a hair on that kids head, despite what you seemed to think, and I even went as far as going out of my way to prevent injury to him during his, however brief, stay. I didn’t even knock him out!” “I… I didn’t know that you weren’t asking for money,” Ajax said after a minute. He bit the inside of his cheek, trying to recall what the mission briefing had been like. All the director had said was that the Professor was holding the mayors son hostage. On one hand, it was still definitely evil to kidnap a child, but on the other, the Professor did kind of make a point. “Or what you really were asking for. And while I suspected, I guess I didn’t actually know that you also were going out of your way not to hurt him. The other heroes rationalized it by saying you hadn’t begun torturing him yet, or whatever, but I wasn’t quite sure. It’s a nice confirmation, I guess.”

“I’m sure it is.” There was little warmth in the Professor’s gaze. He seemed irritated at the subject having been brought up. “That’s not my only plot for a better life that you and the other quote-unquote “heroes” have foiled. It gets frustrating, sometimes. I mean, I have to keep up appearances and reputation, now, because if any other supervillain in the city gets the notion I’m not as sinister as my name suggests, or on the side for a better future at any cost, or what have you, I’ll be fed to the sharks. And I mean that literally.”

“Sounds gruesome.” “Oh, you think? I hadn’t noticed,” the Professor said, sarcastically. “Being an official villain has its perks, though. I get my message out, some people listen, and I get the resources of the Villain’s League. I mean, it’s not easy having everyone in the city who doesn’t live under a rock hate everything about you, but I have a decent disguise- though I’m not really surprised you recognized me- and no one’s figured out my identity yet. I’ve never really been one to care about others' opinions of me anyway.”

Ajax didn’t really know what to say. The Professor was trusting him a lot with this information, and he didn’t know what to do with it. Mostly, he was trying to make peace with the fact that just about everything he thought he knew about his archnemesis was wrong. Practically the only accurate things he actually knew about him prior to this encounter were that he looked good in spandex (not that Ajax would ever admit this to anyone), he had a wry sense of humor that was sharp enough to cut, and he had a hell of a right hook. Almost everything else was a dumb assumption about ethics. Ajax honestly kind of felt like he owed him an apology, at this point, but didn’t know how he’d take it.

But he couldn’t just not say anything.

“That… Honestly sounds really rough. I’m sorry to be one of the people that made it rougher.” The Professor seems thoroughly surprised. “The Captain, apologizing? Are you sure you’re not a clone?” After one look at Ajax’s expression, he chuckles. “Kidding, kidding.”

“I may not agree with all of your decisions, and I’ll still try to stop you when you’re plotting to take over or what have you, but I can understand your intentions are noble. I’ve made too many assumptions about you, I think, and your villainous title.”

The Professor paused for a moment, searching for the right words to respond with. “...Thanks, Captain. I’ll be honest, I still disagree with how you’re going about heroism, but I can also sort of see how you’d think that I can respect what you do.” Ajax was surprised not to detect the expected note of condescension in that last remark.

“And what more could I really hope for?” Ajax smiled, one of the few genuine smiles he’d ever shown to his nemesis.

“A higher score on Tetris, maybe?” Ajax’s expression very quickly became a comical, over-exaggerated scowl. He retained composure for about a minute before he burst out laughing. The Professor joined in laughing too, and for once, it wasn’t a maniacal cackle. Ajax decided he very much liked the sound of it.

A few hours later, filled mostly with silence and partially with a comfortable conversation and banter, Ajax checked his watch. It was nearly 11 at night. So that’s why he was so tired. He leaned against the elevator wall. “So, how much longer should it be, now?” “Maybe an hour and a half. Are you really comfortable sleeping right here in the elevator?” “That should be enough time for some shuteye. I’m very, very tired. I think I’m comfortable with most sleeping positions and places right now.” “Fair enough, I suppose. But still, with another person right there? Your sworn enemy, no less? There’s no way you trust me that much.” “Don’t be ridiculous. If you were going to try and attack me, you’d’ve done so already. Admittedly, though, if you’d asked me this morning if it was even a possibility, I’d’ve laughed in your face and called you an idiot.” Ajax shrugs. “The elevator rules seem to be different than normal fight rules.”

The Professor nodded in agreement. “Oh, and speaking of normal fight rules, are we ever going to be acknowledging this? Whether vaguely in public ‘something happened’ or by simply agreeing to go a little easier on each other?”

Ajax paused for a moment. “That’s a good question. Well, I don’t think we can acknowledge it to the public or any news outlets, that just feels like a violation of privacy. And if we go easier on each other, are we still archnemeses? Do we have to get new archnemeses?” The Professor scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous. I could never be happy with another archnemesis. You’ve spoiled me for anyone else. None of them will have the same banter.” “Honestly, I feel much the same.” And more besides. Their rivalry was a relationship he didn’t really want to lose. Even before the elevator, he’d considered them to be very good rivals. They knew each other, shared a sense of humor, and had enough respect for one another that neither evil schemes nor heroic plans ever went too far. That was more than what he could say about most archnemeses. Of course, they still hated each other, or had hated each other, but there’s a very special kind of hate for an archnemesis. Sure, you’re against everything they stand for and they could say the same of you, but you just sort of clicked together and, on special occasions, could almost be like friends. Friends who hate each other, sure, but still. “Couldn’t get the same theatrics from Molerat, now could I?” That, and somehow, the idea of the Professor fighting someone else the same way the two of them fought made him uneasy. He’d almost say jealous, but that’d be ridiculous. Possessive, even more ridiculous.

But not unaccurate in either case, not entirely. Ajax chuckled inwardly at the thought. “Ugh, don’t even speak his name to me, Captain. He is the worst. He threw dirt at everyone at our last Villain League dinner party.” “Oh? Do I have a competition for my rivalry?” Ajax joked. He did his best to sound casual, but honestly he really hoped not. Sure, probably not, he trusted the Professor at least that much, but, well, still. He was too tired for this.

The Professor put his hand to his chest, miming a scandalized expression. “Why of course not, Captain. Besides, didn’t I just say you’d ruined me for anyone else?” Ajax laughed, before trying to get back into character to finish the joke. “A filthy liar like you’d say anything to fool me, Professor. How can I trust a word out of your mouth?” The Professor gasped, trying to hide a grin. “How could you say such a thing? I’d never lie! Not to you, Captain, never to you.” Ajax made a show of softening his expression. “Oh, Professor, you know I didn’t mean such harsh words. My rage got the better of me again. I know you’ve been faithful.” They both burst out laughing. “Well, I don’t know what that was, but that was fun.” The Professor said, miming wiping a tear from his eye.

“I think it counts as improv. Hey, wasn’t I about to go to sleep?” “Oh, I suppose you were. Still, there’s only an hour left before we get rescued. Is that enough time to sleep?” “Enough time to try, at least.” Ajax yawned and stretched his arms- difficult, due to the cramped nature of the space, only narrowly missing the Professor- and leaned into the corner of the elevator. He shut his eyes.

Next thing he knew, the elevator was moving. They reached their floor. “Haha, yes!” Ajax pumped his fist excitedly, tired as he was. He stood up, slowly, stretching his legs. The Professor stood up as well, a ghost of a smile on his lips.

“Ready to go to your job interview, Captain?” “Eat sh-” Ajax cut himself off, suddenly remembering they were in an office workspace he’d been about to apply to. “Language!” The Professor gasped again in mock scandal.

“Yeah, yeah. Anyway, what were you here for? I know I was here for the job interview, but were you? Or do you work here?” “Oh, I work here. I was on my way to my cubicle. But, as it’s past midnight and no fault of mine I wasn’t able to get anything done, I’m just going to go home.” “Yeah, that seems reasonable. If you were anyone else, I’d tell you to be careful, shady stuff happens to people who walk around the city after dark.” “But you wouldn’t tell me? I’m wounded, Captain. Do you not care about my health?” “Somehow, Professor, I don’t think you’re in any danger from anything shady this city has to offer. Most dastardly villain and all. You’re practically half the shady stuff that goes on after dark, no?” “No, actually. I’m usually at home after dark, and at this time of night I’d be asleep. With very few exceptions for very special schemes.”

“Fair enough,” Ajax conceded. They walked together, talking all the while, until they reached the doors.

“Good night,” The Professor said, smiling.

“See you tomorrow, maybe?” Ajax offered.

“Oh, I dunno. None of my proper evil schemes will be ready by then.” “Aw, that’s a shame. See you when your schemes are ready, then.” “Oh, I might think of something for tomorrow. Maybe I’ll rob a bank, that’s a classic.” “I look forward to stopping you.” And he honestly did. Ajax grinned, not entirely intentionally.

“See you then. Be careful, by the way. I heard shady stuff happens to people who walk alone at night after dark...” The Professor said, cryptically.

“Ha, ha.”

And so, the two of them parted ways. They’d both agreed to never speak of the incident to anyone, and Ajax trusted that neither would.

#i tried my hand at writing romance!#concrit welcome #this is my first time posting any of my longer writings btw #im new to the scene #writeblr #writers on tumblr #writing #fiction #superhero fiction #enemies to lovers #creative writing #implied romance #part 1(?)

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kvltprince · 5 years

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I was tagged by the lovely @leporidaefluff (Thank you! it was the push i needed to get started on this instead of just going oh~ neat~!)

Rules:

1. Choose an OC.

2. Answer them as that OC.

3. Tag 5 people to do the same. Sorry if anyone has already been tagged, no obligation. @ heathie on whatever acct cos im a dumbass an i miss your bois(you miss em too), @randomwordsandstormydays, @randomfuzzbunny, @jornaquinn @chrysocolladawn ( @somewhere-withoutyou if you would...) and anyone else who would enjoy doing this. (if i get tagged again ill do anther oc. i would tag a few others but i feel weird tagging ppl i dont like ever talk to lol.)

What is your name?

"Lucy Grandchester, yeah that one.”

How old are you?

“Fourty-five unless you are getting nitpicky about cryostasis. That doesn’t count unless I am joking with a ghoul, honestly.”

What do you look like?

He lets out a small half chuckle, "Oh, we are doing this okay. I’ll bite. Slightly short middle aged punk, long greying curly hair, undercut, with one leg and too many tattoos?”

Where are you from? Where do you live now?

Lucy uncomfortably takes down his hair and redoes his messy bun while sighing and becoming a bit short. “I’m from just the other side of that irradiated water near that gas station south of here. Name kinda gives it away. You have seen it? I honestly am not sure how it’s standing still between the bombs and everything else. It’s looked after now, and is a surprise asset to still have. I lived in Boston for a while after all that, and back in this area once Nuka World was opened, then back in the Boston area, and would you look at that I am back in Nuka World and it is a lot more comfortable now.”

What was your childhood like?

"...Unstable, for everyone. It got a bit better once my parents were dead... are we done with this line of questions? Or am I excusing you?”

What groups are you friendly with? Are you allied with any factions?

“Well, I started out trying to play nicely vaguely with anyone that didn’t try to shoot me first. That.... hasn’t stayed how it is. At least not fully, though i generally play nice until I am given a reason not to. I am friendly with the Disciples, the Operators, several of the Children of Atom groups that haven't irradiated their sense out of their heads yet, the Railroad.”

Tell me about your best friend.

He finally visibly relaxes the rest of the way after that history business, and takes a drink of a quantum. “Oh only one best friend? Are we in high school again? aw Alright. We have some parallel histories.” He swirls the glowing drink, but doesn't let himself get lost in his head too far. “Great humor, puts up with my shit somehow, doesn't blow my sneaking. Laugh that could take on the world even though they probably wouldn't. No I am not spoiling who I decided on. A man has to have some secrets somewhere and mine are in short supply”

Do you have a family? Tell me about them!

“My son Shaun never ceases to surprise me with what he can come up with, and how well adjusted he is. Codsworth is still helping out with the household, and helping keep Shaun from disassembling live turrets while I am away, though now he is living here at Fizztop with us. Surprisingly it seems to be an alright setup, and Shaun has taught a few people some upgrades in their downtime. There is enough room to keep things comfortable, and I have done some park remodeling since I arrived. My closest companions that don’t hate my choices I have made I consider family, but that has become a smaller circle than before.”

What about a partner or partners?

“Gage of course, he is my husband for whatever it is worth in the wasteland. Otherwise I suppose that depends how you are defining that. I am an affectionate person and some people seem to have rather strict definitions of where the edge of friend and partner should be”

Who are your enemies, and why?

“Several people aren’t speaking to me very well at best after I have settled into the Overboss seat here, on a personal level. The Pack were wiped out. The Brotherhood were wiped out. The Institute were wiped out. The minutemen are pretty pissed understandably. The Gunners still show up in vertibirds sometimes and are still pretty fun target practice. My settlements are generally comfortable, and my outposts mostly only have problems with gunners or trappers. Minor annoyances.”

Have you ever heard of The Brotherhood of Steel? What do you think about them?

“Yeah, of course. I think they got too headstrong for their flightsuits. I mean I understand but you really can’t do that shit and expect no repercussions. It was quite a firework show honestly, I wonder how far away the heat was felt..”

What about The Enclave?

"I don’t know much about them, only one of their ex-soldiers, he didn’t exactly tell me much. Cute, a bit odd. Not sure if it is the radiation that did that or not.”

How do you feel about Super Mutants?

He has a flash of a pensive thought drift across his face “There’s a few that aren’t so bad. Obviously the FEV isn’t mass-curable though, so not exactly much of a choice what to do about them unless you like getting a rocket launcher or a nuke in your face.”

What’s the craziest fight you’ve ever been in?

“Proobably~ around Bunker Hill, It was just, A Lot. That whole time was not just the specific fight. I don’t remember a lot of it, I’m pretty sure Gage half dragged me home after the main running around and meetings after the fight. I don’t think I had a full thought for a while.”

Have you ever fought a Deathclaw?

He thumb points to a sniper rifle leaning against the wall “Yeah, too often, thankfully usually I see them first, and I’ve gotten the sneaking thing down. They make pretty good steaks.”

Do you like fighting?

“Sometimes, honestly. Something tired and overstated about old habits or something boring. Really though, it is exciting and keeps the boredom away. Playfighting and sparring will do, no need to draw blood. I guess. Good to keep knife and sneaking skills sharp however you can.”

What’s your weapon of choice?

“A modded real sharp Throatslicer she called it, I swear Nisha found this thing in the loading dock or something it is the nicest box-cutter I have ever owned. Opens up anything.”

How do you survive? Your wits, your charm, your skills, brute force, some combination? (a.k.a. what’s your S.P.E.C.I.A.L?)

“Outlive everything around me usually by not being seen, notice it first, shoot it faster, stab it more, talk my way out of it, or by luck. I have zero real idea, but I can eat nearly anything and I bet that helps too.”

Have you ever been in a vault? What do you think about them?

"Of course, there are a bunch, and I was ushered into 111 to turn my life upside down. They seem to only be any good for salvage, horror stories, clean water sometimes, and if you are real lucky a trade post and a shave. I have a settlement vault that is doing well that I have taken over and built up, but that is not Vault-Tec related, obviously.”

How do you beat all the radiation around here? Has it affected you?

“I have a few recipes that are good for radiation, though it doesn't affect me very badly overall and I am slow to feel any sickness. I suspect that one day I will turn into a ghoul.” He is rather matter of fact and unbothered by this, and hints that he knows that not getting sick much from radiation means just that.

What’s your favorite wasteland critter?

“Probably the stags and gazelles and other herd animals. They are overall unchanged other than most have two heads now, they are still nice to watch”

What’s your least favorite wasteland critter?

“Honestly? radscorpions? Those fuckers are too quick and you cant shoot them cos they tunnel and they knock you on your ass and poison you and just UGH”

How do you feel about robots?

"Robots are alright if they are not causing trouble. Some of them are nice. Jezebel is not so nice, but she is guarding red rocket and bitching the entire time so shes no longer my problem. The Rust Devil’s robots are a pain in my ass for real.”

How many caps do you have on you right now?

"Plenty.”

Nuka Cola or Sunset Sarsaparilla?

He cocks his head slightly “I havent heard that one in a while. Depends on the flavor of Nuka Cola, I do like Sunset Sarsaparilla though, if you have any.”

Do you do chems?

"Not recreationally anymore. No, not because of him.” He nods toward Gage “It just, gets out of hand”

Do you ever think about the Pre-War world?

"Not as often as you would expect, I mean obviously there is the ‘oh i remember when that wasn't destroyed’ of things, but things are more comfortable than I thought they could be”

What’s your deepest regret? What would you do differently?

His eyes narrow slightly “I don’t really do regret. Things were done the way they were because it was the choice at the time. A choice now for an old situation isn’t helpful to living my current life or my old life. I am not living then, I am living now.”

What’s your biggest achievement? Or what do you hope to achieve?

“Surviving all of this, and myself. Creating this strange semi-stability in this post apocalyptic place.”

What do you want for the future? For yourself? Your friends? The world?

“Keep me and mine safe, happy as we can be, and I hope that my found-family never fully stops growing. Curious what the future holds for my raiders and friends, there is so much potential, it could be risky but it is there. For once it is a good solid place to be, and it’s mine.” Lucy polishes off his questionable as hell drink with a smile.

#lucy grandchester #oc interview #this is a bit messy but hey thats fine #longpost #wow no wonder it took so long

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solidburnreturned · 6 years

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Talking about Mack and Pepper and their whole relationship arc I wanna get all my thoughts on them organized...its long but i think its p good

they met at a pop-up party when pepper was 18 and mack was 19...pepper was like wooOOAAAHAHAHHFGJDK like she couldn’t handle how pretty mack was she was head over heels. she was rly shy around her but mack was friendly and invited her to dance and they hung out till the party stopped and mack rode away with the party crew. pepper was like holy shit i gotta. date her

they got closer over time, becoming better and better friends, hanging out with their friend group but also by themselves in the bar pepper likes to hang in or mack’s pod or whatever. pepper is just falling so in love with her but shes kinda starting to think that mack isn’t interested/out of her league so shes like..internally conflicted. meanwhile mack does think pepper is cute and sweet but knows that pepper is more interested in long term stuff while mack is way more into flings, one nighters, casual stuff yknow. so she doesn’t wanna lead her on or get wrapped up in some messy relationship stuff. she DOES like pepper tho and is frustrated that shes like...one troll that she feels like she can’t get her player hands on

eventually pepper is just losing her mind like she has been pining for this one girl for YEARS, she is 22 and needs to either MOVE ON or ASK HER OUT and she knows she doesnt wanna move on so shes like “HAHA hey....do u wanna.....get beer and nachos tonight at the bar with me........” and mack is like sure lol because they do that like all the time and pepper is like OH WOW....SHE SAID YES not at all aware that mack thinks this is just another friend thing

so theyre at the bar eating and drinking watching the other trolls doing karaoke and mack is chillin but pepper is freaking....and mack is like lol are u okay whats up and pepper is like uhhhhhdfgfbhjdsfnvd WANT ANOTHER ROUND??? I DO!! ALSO LETS GO DANCE!! and mack is like lol sure.. mack can hold her alcohol p well but pepper is a lot smaller so mack is like girl u need to chill ur gonna get Sloppy and pepper starts to kinda ramble about her gay ass feelings but only vaguely and mack thinks its rly cute and funny cuz she’s like at the same level of buzzed as pepper so theyre like hee hawing it up and pepper is like do u uhhhhhhh wanna get outta here and tipsy mack goes against her better judgement and is like sure lets chill at my pod lol

yall already know whats goin on

next morning mack wakes up and there is a snoring pepper in her bed and mack is like oh fuck what have i done. jesus. she like freaking but before she can skedaddle pepper wakes up and shes like starry eyed, rambling about how awesome last night was, telling mack how amazing and smart and pretty pepper thinks she is, all this gushy stuff and mack is like....smiling but super stressed like oh fuck what have i done to this poor girl,, and finally pepper is like “uhmm do u wanna like....be girlfriends....i would love to be ur girlfriend i actually love you so much and i have for years” and mack is like SCREECHING internally and she just kinda. blurts out “no” and pepper is immediately floored like punch to the gut levels of unexpected replies

mack tries to explain that last night was a mistake and that she knew that pepper had a crush on her but didnt think she was THIS into her and now mack feels rly bad about getting her hopes up with last night, she wasnt thinking straight, she regrets it, shes not interested in anything long term, she thinks pepper is awesome, but she just doesnt think they want the same things in life rn. pepper is like dying inside the whole time and starts like SOBBING and mack is like aaaaa im rly sorry i dont know,, what to do,, she just kinda sits there awkwardly cause she doesnt know how to help and shes rly not used to being in this kind of situation where she feels so unsure of herself. pepper is like im just. gonna go im so fuckin sorry and mack is just like fgjhkhjhk....ok later,,

so pepper is destroyed! she feels like shes wasted years not getting romantically involved with any other trolls in hopes that she’ll have a chance with mack but here she is. shes not feeling friendzoned or anything she just feels stupid and rly depressed and so broken hearted like shes just lying around in her pod for days her friends are like ???? what happened whats wrong :((( and shes just like dfdksjak she cant even deal with anything she just wants 2 wallow. shes like slowly turning grey and bismuth is eventually like okay wtf is the matter for real we’re best friends u need to talk to me right now im like not leaving. so pepper explains everything and shes looking a mess and bismuth is like :) im gonna go talk 2 mack for u and pepper is like DO NOT bitch do NOT do that ive screwed things up enough. so theyre like fine but u for real need to go outside and shower and eat and just. its not the end of the world fr

while pepper is trying to pull herself together mack is back on her fling thing but shes like....not rly getting the same satisfaction as she was before? like its not as fun, it feels weird. shes frustrated and is starting to regret her regret and is like hghgngh....i miss?? pepper?? shes like dammit i rly messed up but she also doesnt wanna be jerking pepper around by her heartstrings so shes conflicted as to what to do.. but then she sees how hard pepper is taking it like she even had a pop up party organized to be right where she knew pepper would be, at the bar, and she is like horrified that pepper did not move from her seat the whole time like she could care less, it even seemed to make her feel worse?? mack is just like holy hell what have i done to this poor troll

eventually mack can absolutely not stand seeing pepper looking so almost grey and depressed or hearing her sing her sad fuckin songs (especially uhhhh this one,,) and she sends her an invitation to a sleepover, something they used to do all the time when they were close, and pepper is like hgjfd...Big Sad but she decides to go. she wants to maybe try and rekindle whatever friendship she can even if it might be awkward at first

when she gets to mack’s pod pepper is like shocked to see mack with tears in her eyes and shes looking kinda frantic and is just like “PEPPER I RLY DONT....GET IT....IDK WHATS GOING ON” and pepper is like ???? are u okay omg whats the matter and mack goes on about how she feels like shes missing something and shes not having as much fun with her one night stands and everything just feels weird and off and she hates feeling like this and she hates seeing pepper so broken hearted and shes just REALLY SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING and pepper is like u dont have to be sorry for how u feel if u dont wanna be with me u dont have to be and mack is like UR SO ADORABLY OBLIVIOUS I FEEL WEIRD BECAUSE I DONT WANT OTHER TROLLS ANYMORE I JUST!! WANT U!! and pepper is just. feeling a lot and shes like bhfgjdfgjkds what. huh. but. and mack is just. apologizing profusely and hugging pepper and pepper is so confused and startled cuz mack is acting so out of character but shes also rly excited and happy because!! mack likes her back!! and after a lot of talking things out and mutual crying they decide to try being exclusive girlfriends and just kinda take things chill. mack still kinda struggles to adjust to this big change to her lifestyle but shes also rly happy with pepper, who is ecstatic to be with mack FINALLY and is just loving her to bits, they love each other so much, everything is good, lesbians.

#the end #trolls #txt #oc #pepper #mack #uhhhh implied nsfw??? idk its nothing too out there yknow #just in case tho ill leave that there

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masterturner · 5 years

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long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still. im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time. i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull. the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly. i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward. i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too? i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking. maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was. it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow. and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different. it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable. maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt. i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it. i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else? even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that. i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish. why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt. i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place. there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow. but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year. since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all? did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now? i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know. eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess. she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far. it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain. ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep. but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining? i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though. but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same

#do not reblog this

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il-nic-ee · 6 years

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(prompts) the one you said "steven taught andrew how to use chopstick" or in the cake episode from season 1, Andrew make a wish when they broke the elbow in the last cake and Steven ask for it but Andrew said it didnt come true, maybe Andrew wish that Steven would fall in love with him lol Im bad in English so i hope u will get what i mean thanks

Hi anon! Thank you for the ask! I did the Chopstick one and it’s posted somewhere on my blog! Anyway, here’s your second one!-Working so close with the guy you have a massive crush on is probably the worst thing that can happen to a person. Maybe I'm exaggerating with that but, for me, it's very true. It's worse when you're caught on camera staring at said crush and the entire internet can tell that you're hopeless. Everybody can tell but him. It's horrible. I mean, I was new to Worth It compared to him as he had started it with Keith and only asked me to fill in for him because he was too busy with the Try Guys stuff to do it. Now, I had to suffer and spend more time than I should with him. Staring longingly across the office was different than 'heart-eyes’ staring at him in a restaurant while he sat practically in my lap.It was especially like torture when I was sat right up against him as we ate cakes romantically together. Romantic is a loose term for it, more like, romantically from my end and friendly on his. I was hopelessly in love with him as I watched him take awkward bites of his food.He's eating a cake that I can't remember the price of and I'm staring very unsubtly.Suddenly, Steven reaches across me. “Look!” He gets one of the fondant ribbons from the cake and holds it between us.“What?” I him as I'm snapped out of my trance. “Grab this side and we pull it, break it like a wishbone and make a wish!” He smiles at me and my lips pull into a tight grin “Alright.” We pull and it snaps.I wish that Steven felt the same.I look at him and he looks at me. “What'd you wish for?” He asks.I shake my head at him and give a tense smile. “It didn't come true.” I laugh to release the tightness in my chest at the end and it's taken as a joke. I smile at the camera and play it all off.I always manage to play off my hurt and my feelings. I'm quite good at it. After so many years of running from my attraction to men, I have to be good at it or I'll have to except that I'm not straight and I'll have to come out and I'll have to be myself. I'm not really ready to become my real self. I don't think I'll ever be ready.Once the shoot ended, Steven had to drive me home. He'd picked me up early from my house and we went to breakfast with Adam.Adam went his separate way when we got back to the office to get ready to leave and drop off the rest of that cake.“Want to grab dinner?” Steven asks as we pull out of the BuzzFeed parking lot.“I don't know,” I sigh. “I kinda just want to go to bed.” “You have to eat dinner, Andrew.” He rolls his eyes like a mother.“I just had way too much cake.” I shake my head. I couldn't be with him much longer. Something about that whole 'make a wish!’ thing was bothering me so bad.“Well, I'm bringing you to eat. You seem bummed out so, we're going to my favorite place.” He pats my leg and I flinch.He doesn't notice. “I… Steven, please. I just want to go home.” “Too late.” He says, turning onto the street that was the opposite way to my house.“That place is so far away. Bring me somewhere close. I don't want to be out. I want to go home.” I protest.“Too bad. You're in a bad mood and I'm determined to cheer you up.” He gives me a big grin.“You won't. Sleep will fix it, so, let me go home.” I slump in the seat and he just shakes his head. “Nice try, 'Drew.” He shuts down the argument and I mentally regress into a puddle in my seat.This restaurant is about two hours out if the way and honestly, I don’t think I can handle that. I don’t even get to think about handling this before I hear; “Uh oh…” come from Steven.I look up and realize were about thirty minutes from our destination and our car has died.My head falls back and my hands cover my face, causing me to groan loudly. “Goddammit, Steven! Goddammit! I said I wanted to go home and now look where we are!” I yell at him and he just reaches over and touches my upper arm.“Calm down, Andrew. I’ll call triple-A and Adam to come pick us up. It’s fine.”“It’s not fine but, whatever. Just call triple-A and leave me here to seethe over you not listening to me.” I cross my arms and lean against the window.He sighs, muttering something under his breath before calling Adam and explaining the situation to him before calling AAA.I vaguely listen but, I can’t get my head out of my ass for a millisecond. I was so head over heels for Steven that it kind of hurt even having to look at him. “Are you alright?” I hear his voice asking, soft and sweet, more so than usual.“Fine.” I grunt in reply.“Okay, well, I know you won’t tell me what’s bothering you… We have two hours to kill. Let’s talk.” Steven presses on.“What about?” I grunt.“Do you have plans this weekend?” He offers and I shrug.“Sleep? Be stressed and contemplate my existence?” I give him and he sighs. “You?”“I was thinking of watching a show on Netflix.” He says.“What one?”“Not sure yet.”I sigh and rub a hand over my face. “How’s your girlfriend?” I feel the tightness in my chest get worse.“Um, well, her and I broke up about a month or two ago.” Shrugs Steven lightly.“Oh, I didn’t know… I’m sorry.” I offer up as my heart decides to pound. “It’s fine. I wasn’t happy with her anymore.” He says softly.“Hey,” I sit up a bit and glance his way. “What did you wish for earlier?” I ask, realizing I hadn’t done so before.“When?” He cocks his head to the side and my heart leaps to my throat.“Uh, the fondant ribbon thing.” I inform.“Oh! I wished for things to fit together. Things have been weird lately.” He smiles at me. I’m heartbroken by his words.“You okay?”“Yeah! I’m great! I’ve just been dealing with some weird stuff, you know?” He chuckles. “You never told me what you wished for.”“Oh, um… My feelings to be reciprocated. It didn’t come true. Doesn’t matter.” I try to dismiss.“Feelings for who?” “You.” It just slips from me and he jumps. He stays silent for a moment, stuttering out a sound that wasn’t of human language.“Me?” He croaks after a while of sputtering.“I-... I don’t even know why I said that.” I frown and rub my face with both hands.“Did you mean it?”“Of course I mean it! Have you seen the way I look at you!? God, I just… I don’t want to have feelings for you, I just do,” I fall back to the seat, tipping my head upward. “I’ve had weird, um… Crushes on guys but, I don’t want to… You’re different and these feelings won’t go away even when I try to stop them… I’m sorry, Steven. I’m so sorry.” I shake away the ache pressing behind my eyes.“You-... Andrew, you’re gay?”“Don’t call me that! I’m not that.” I insist but, his fingers lace with mine, causing me to gasp.“It’s not bad to like guys, Andrew. I mean, I like you too… What’s so wrong with that?” I peer over at him and he’s smiling at me like an idiot. As always. So fucking sweet looking.“People treat people like us, like we shouldn’t be alive.” I whisper.“What does it matter? If they treat us like shit, you and I can kick their asses. You and me against the world,” He squeezes my hand. “I always say, what’s the point of living if you aren’t happy?”I sit up again and glance at him. It’s silent other than our breathing and we’re just staring at each other. Steven reaches up and touches the side of my face, brushing his hand over my light beard.He leans towards me, not stopping until our lips are nearly touching. “Is-... Is this alright?” His voice wavers as his mouth brushes mine with each word, every syllable, every moment of his lovely pink lips.“It would be better if we…” I lose my words as I move myself forward barely a centimeter before our lips meet and my hand finds the back of his neck. I grunt against him as he clumsily falls forward and jabs a hand into my stomach.“Sorry!” He laughs falling away from my lips.“You idiot!” I grin at him and his eyes meet mine. I grab his cheeks and smack a kiss forehead.“You love me.” He jokes, per-usual.“I do. I really do.”

#Standrew #Shyan #zagene #I’m sorry for the format on the mobile app

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takadasaiko · 6 years

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Such Great Heights: Part Twelve (a Wynonna Earp fic)

FFN II AO3

Part Twelve

Willa.

She had been through this already. A girl with a different name and a face that had seemed vaguely familiar that had shot Peacemaker and sent Lou screeching down to hell. Wynonna had loved her sister, but the woman that had returned to them had been a shadow of her former self. Cold and callous, willing to sacrifice anything or anyone to get what she wanted. She had blamed Bobo for a while, but the truth was that Willa had broken at some point, and no one else was going to save her. If there had been any hope of her sister coming home again, it would have been something only Willa could have chosen.

But she hadn't. She had gone wrong and Wynonna had been forced to do the one thing she swore she wouldn't: put her down. Then she had turned up in the dream world and as soon as Wynonna knew what was going on she had shut her out. There had been no way that she was real. Kind and loving and loyal…. all things she might have been without all the darkness in her life. It hurt to think about the might have been's, but Willa was dead. She was gone, and Wynonna had fixed her focus on Alice.

Now her sister was back. Again. And she had betrayed them. Again. Wynonna wasn't sure she could do it all over again.

Bobo hadn't had a lot to go off when he had woken up. He and Doc had gone after a few Revenants trying to make their escape and Bobo had toppled their escape vehicle. Wynonna had seen the aftermath of the fight and the damage done, and all she could remember thinking was that she was glad he was on their side now.

From what he had said Willa had climbed out of the toppled van, surprising him, and she'd barely hesitated when she'd pulled the trigger at point blank range before leaving with a Revenant of her own free will. It seemed pretty cut and dry. Whatever some of the others had brought with them from the dream world hadn't affected Willa.

Wynonna had stepped outside to try to find some peace from the increasingly full house only to find Bobo Del Rey balanced on the railing around the porch, long legs stretched out in front of him. He was leaned against a pole with his head tilted back, eyes closed, and the only sign that he hadn't dozed off there the fact that he hadn't dropped the cigarette dangling between two fingers. The closer she crept, though, the more she thought that might just be a matter of time. If the ash collecting at the tip was anything to go by he hadn't taken a drag in a few minutes.

She was in the process of turning to find a different place to hide away and think when a rough voice stopped her. "Looking for me or did I steal your spot?"

Blue eyes had cracked open by the time Wynonna turned back and he was watching her as he tapped his cigarette and tried to take a drag. He frowned at it, dug for his lighter, and relit it. He looked exhausted, his hands a little shaky as they worked, and she wondered if that came from dying or everything else that had happened. It had been so much easier when she hated him, when she blamed him for everything, but she'd gotten to know the man behind the demon. It made it harder to ignore the pain he couldn't keep hidden in his eyes or the stress in the way his shoulders hunched, strangely thin looking with only the thin Henley to cover them.

Wynonna cleared her throat awkwardly. "This may be one of the first times I've seen you without that obnoxious coat of yours."

"Not sure where it went yet," he answered with a shrug. "Woke up without it and my boots."

Wynonna's eyes traveled down the long legs to find sock covered feet rather than the usual heavy boots he wore. "Right, sorry. Waverly put them away when we… got you back here."

He hummed a little and took another drag of his cigarette, his gaze distant.

"Look… I'm sorry about Willa."

"Not your doing."

"Yeah, well…. still. I know I've…" She grimaced, trying to find the words and coming up short. She pulled in a deep breath, steeling herself. "I know how much you loved my sister. It can't be easy having her do this… again. Especially after everything in the dream world."

He didn't react at first, merely kept his gaze fixed on nothing as he smoked. Finally he leaned back, his head thumping lightly against the pole and he let his eyes slide closed again. "She said it was the only way."

The words were so soft that Wynonna almost didn't hear them. "What was?"

Bobo shrugged. "Shooting me, I 'spose. She said it was the only way to get the kids back."

"Bobo…."

Icy blue eyes snapped open again and he glared a little at her. "I'm not an idiot, Wynonna. I know she thinks she's struck a deal with him and that he'll never honour it." He shifted and pulled a knee up, wincing as he did and his hand went to what must have been the still-healing wound. "Desperate people do desperate things."

Wynonna stared at him. "Are you seriously telling me you're not pissed?"

"Oh, I am," he chuckled, the words drawn out. "And frustrated and tired. I've been at this a long time, and I did warn you, Wynonna girl. The weight on your shoulders only gets heavier. The more you give a damn, the more you've got to lose, and it will drive you a little crazy if you let it." He flicked the butt of his cigarette out. "I though Josiah'd be the one to break it. He was good. Lot like his daddy, but they strung him up and I couldn't stop 'em. Couldn't have if I tried. All it'd've done was taken me down with 'im. Edwin had the drive, but no give. Your daddy…. you know all 'bout him." He tapped the bottom of his pack and knocked another cigarette out, lifting it to his lips. "Willa and I were gonna save each other. She waited for me. She…. I saved her from them and she was gonna wait 'till she was old enough to take me with her. Then there's you." He lit his cigarette and inhaled. "Wouldn'ta bet on it early on, but you're more like him than even Josiah was."

Wynonna swallowed hard. "You think I can finish this?"

"First Earp since your great-great granddaddy that I've openly aligned with. What do you think?"

"I think it wouldn't kill you to say you have faith in me, asshole," she huffed, but her lips quirked up a little as she spoke.

"I think I used up my faith a long time ago and you Earps just keep trying it."

"I'm going to finish this, Bobo. Clootie won't be coming back when I'm done with him. My daughter's life depends on it."

"And desperate people do desperate things," he said, his voice a little sad.

"Are you sticking around?" The question left her without permission, but if she were honest she had been waiting for him to leave since he'd chosen to join them. Waiting for him to choose to try to lay low and survive this in any way he could. He'd stayed longer than she might have expected, and with Willa popping back up, this might just be his breaking point.

He swung his legs over to slide off the railing, discarding his used up cigarette "Well, I was there when it started. Might as well stick it out to the end." There was more there, but she supposed she couldn't expect him to share everything. He'd been more honest with her in these last few minutes than she thought he'd been with her since they'd met. He didn't say any more as he moved back into the house, leaving her alone with her thoughts just as she had originally wanted when she'd walked out there in the first place.

When she slept she could still feel his breath against her neck, curled up behind her with his arm carefully looped around and her back against his chest. It felt comfortable. Safe. For just a moment it felt like they were still in that little house that they had bought in Purgatory and catching the last few minutes of sleep before the alarm went off and the Svane household stirred to a sleepy morning of coffee, breakfast, and work.

They'd been pulled from that world, though, and this was only the echoes of it that she saw when she let herself drift off to sleep. She wished she could enjoy it for a little while but it always went the same way.

She would wake to hear Grace crying, but no matter how hard she looked for her, she was always just beyond her reach. Every night following the one that she'd woken in the dank little cellar that Clootie had tossed her in she had searched and searched only to wake and be separated from them both.

She wasn't sure when she'd drifted off to sleep that afternoon, but when she felt him nuzzling against the nape of her neck, his voice soft and mumbling as he begged her to stay, she knew she had. It didn't matter. No matter how much she wanted to stay, the dream played out, so there was no point in delaying.

Willa wiggled out of his embrace, turning just a moment to find Robert still sleeping. He looked so peaceful like that, laid out on his side with his arm still stretched over her side of the bed, fingers loose and the lines in his face relaxed like he didn't have a care in the world. She bent down, meaning to steal a kiss, but she found herself in a hallway instead, her bedroom gone and the hall stretched on, Grace's cries echoing from somewhere down the way. A dream. Right.

Bare feet padded against the wooden floor as she made her way down, holding onto the reality of what it was. She'd never found her before like this, and she had no reason to think that this would turn out any different.

The hall ended, though, for the first time in her memory, and Willa turned, finding Grace sitting on the floor with tears in those big blue eyes and she pointed at her slipper. "Kitty threw up in my shoe, mama."

A short laugh escaped Willa as she bent down, scooping the little girl up and holding onto her, startled at how real she felt. Grace wrapped her arms around her mother's neck and buried her nose in her shoulder. "It's okay, baby," Willa promised. "We'll get it cleaned up."

"It's scary."

"What is, baby?"

"The sound."

"What so-" A loud crash cut her off, like a gunshot, and Willa tightened her grip on Grace, even as she began to squirm. She wasn't going to let her go. She wouldn't.

"Daddy," Grace said stubbornly as she tried to break free and Willa followed her gaze down the hall. She couldn't hold on any longer and the little girl squirmed loose, running down the hall to where a form lay at the other end.

Willa followed, a knot growing in her chest with each step. Grace stopped in front of him and Willa knew who it was before she saw the face, those blue eyes she knew so well wide and vacant, dark blood coating his t-shirt from the entry wound the bullet she had fired had left in him. She swallowed hard and knelt on the ground next to him, her hands trembling as she reached out to his face. He wouldn't stay dead. He couldn't. Only Peacemaker could kill him and she hadn't… she wouldn't have killed him.

She jolted awake, leaned against the door in the backseat of a vehicle she and the Revenant had taken when Robert had destroyed the one that they were escaping in. Grace wasn't there and neither was Robert. In that moment she had never felt more alone.

The Revenant that had survived Robert's attack stalked over to the car and tore the back door open, snapping at her to move. She was glad that she had already woken up or she would have fallen out into a heap on the ground. Instead she leveled a glare at him as she moved past him, spotting Clootie just ahead. He tilted his chin up, strange gold gaze fixed on the Revenant. "Is that how you treat our guest?"

"No, boss," the Revenant mumbled, and Clootie barely flicked his fingers. The Revenant fell immediately, a sharp cry escaping him as he started to rithe on the ground, twitching and screaming.

Willa watched the display of power, her gaze steady and her expression blank. She could feel Clootie watching her for a reaction, for even a little discomfort as a man screaming in agony. "You tried to cross the boundary with Robert once, didn't you?"

She looked over at that. "I did."

"And?"

"Obviously it didn't work. We didn't get very far before the pain hit him."

"Miles here has never crossed the boundary, but he knows now what it feels like, don'tcha Miles?" Clootie waited a moment and nudged the now foaming Revenant in the ribs, receiving another cry of pain for his efforts. "Don't you?"

"Yes!" came the strangled reply and he curled into himself a little more.

Clootie snorted. "I imagine there was none of this with Robert. He's too proud. Too stubborn. It's amazing how far he's come."

"I suppose you did him a favour," Willa said, wondering if the sarcasm was as evident to the demon as it was to her.

He chuckled "I imagine he wouldn't think so, but there are dark corners in every human being that are just waiting to be explored. Men like Robert used to be never have the courage to seek that out, but if nudged - even if shoved - they find that there's power in it." Clootie had moved progressively closer and closer as he spoke, stepping around the twitching Revenant at their feet and he lifted a hand to Willa's face. "You know that, don't you, my dear? You're not afraid to indulge your darker tendencies to get what you want."

The spark behind the conversation clicked with her and she met that strange gaze of his. "You found my niece."

"I did."

She waited for a moment, but the only filler to the silence between them were the now muffled cries of pain from Miles on the ground. Willa pushed a sharp breath from her nose. "And?"

He smirked at her, producing a cell phone from his coat pocket. "She's with your aunt. You're going to call Ms McCready and tell her that the war's been won and that it's time to bring Wynonna's little girl home."

Willa stood still for just a moment, staring at him rather than the outstretched phone. This was the moment where she decided how far she was going to take this. She could call Gus. She could even convince her that she needed to bring Alice, but then the little girl's life would be in danger. If she didn't, though, then Clootie would know that she'd been playing him and she'd lose any opportunity to find a way to take him out for good.

Her gaze shifted down to the phone and she reached up, snagging it from him. "If you want me to make the call, shut him up."

Clootie smirked and the Revenant went utterly silent at the twitch of his wrist, and if Willa didn't know better she would have thought he was dead. Maybe he was. She pulled in a deep breath and hit send on the number pre-dialed for her.

The house had gone quiet in the mid afternoon as energy started running dry, the sleepless night catching up with them and leaving them drained. Waverly couldn't sleep though, no matter how tired she was. Nicole had gone into the sheriff's station to get some work done and Waverly hadn't gotten back to sleep since she left.

Finally she gave up trying, swinging her legs over the side of her bed and reaching for her sweater to pull around her shoulders.

The house was dead quiet, which was strange for as many people as it held when she had dozed off. The only sound she heard was a rummaging sound from the front and she moved towards it, wondering if she should have grabbed a weapon.

The fight or flight reaction dissipated as soon as she saw the culprit behind the noise. Bobo was looking for something in the front closet, coat hangers scraping across the metal pole they were hung on. He didn't seem to notice as Waverly made her way down the stairs. She cleared her throat, finally drawing his attention. "If you're looking for your stuff, it's in the closet in the room you were sleeping in."

"Ah," he managed, turning towards what had become a spare bedroom at some point, his focus switched over to that closet instead.

Waverly followed quietly, watching his movements and frowning a little. He was stiff and much slower than usual as he pulled the door open and found what he was looking for, his shoulders a little more hunched down, and when she caught sight of his eyes as he turned to take a heavy seat on the bed to work his feet into his boots, she saw how tired he looked. "Was that the first time you've slept?"

He looked up, blinking owlishly at her. "What'd you mean?"

"Since we got back. Have you slept at all this week?"

"Been sleepin' a lot since last night."

"Not sure being dead counts."

He snorted, a very small smile tilting his lips. "You worried about me, Angel?" He stopped then, the pet name almost swallowed at the end as he spoke it, and Waverly pressed her lips together a little. Angel. He'd called her his angel since she was small, but in the dream world, in a world where Robert Svane hadn't begged for his Angel's name as he had died, that had been Grace's nickname. His daughter. Her own connection to Bobo was still so complicated and there was so much that he flat-out refused to tell her that she didn't even want to contemplate how the dream world had laid that one out. She couldn't focus on it, not now. It didn't matter. Not right then, with the struck look that he was so desperately trying to hide behind a mask of indifference.

"Yeah, between you and Wynonna trying to ignore how much pain you guys are in, I've got my hands full," she said, her voice gentle and she tried to keep it at least a little light.

"Gotta stay focused. We're too close to let it slip now," he huffed, standing to shrug his coat on.

"Are you going somewhere?"

"Out. Makes them nervous when I disappear for long stretches and as useless as some of 'em are, better to have them on our side than Clootie's."

Waverly nodded slowly. " I mean… you were kinda dead. Are you up to it?"

He snorted a mirthless chuckle. "I'll live," he promised with a wink as he passed by her.

Waverly didn't chase him down. Like Wynonna, all she could do was say her piece and he would either come around on his own or get slammed in the face by what he was trying to avoid. With Willa alive and working against them, she worried it would be sooner rather than later.

Just as he'd predicted the Revenants answering to him were tied up in knots that he had disappeared after following the lead Freddy had given him. He was the one standing not just between them and Clootie, but between them and the Heir when this was all said and done. The deal struck for their freedom after after Bulshar's defeat had been negotiated by Bobo himself. If he didn't make it through this, they had no reason to believe that they would have friends on any side. He was their hope of getting out of this.

He'd settled the questions down, leaving out the part about dying. Leaving out most of what happen, if he thought about it too hard. It always had been better if they saw him as invincible.

Bobo was on his way towards Shorty's when movement caught his eye. When he looked there was no one there, but ten steps later he caught the same out of the corner of his eye. Someone thought they were being clever.

He slipped into a back alley, keying in on the presence following him. He slowed his pace, waiting until the soft footsteps drew closer.

"Robert." His whispered name made him turn quicker than he had intended to and he knew the voice before he saw the face. Bobo tensed, ready for whatever fight was about to break out, but Willa stood with her hands held up in a non-threatening manner. "I'm not here to hurt you."

"That's rich, coming from you," he growled, putting a step between them. He didn't trust her, but he had no interest in fighting her. Of all the people he could and would tear into without a second thought, he knew that that was a line even he couldn't cross. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he truly hurt her.

She reached out as he stepped back. "I'm sorry. I needed them to believe me."

"And now you need me to believe you," he snapped, his voice low and rough. "Funny how that works."

Her hand dropped, never quite touching him and she pursed her lips together like she was looking for the right words. He frowned, a low growl escaping him. "Save it. I've been betrayed enough to know what it looks like. If you're fool enough to trust whatever bullshit Clootie's fed you, do what you do best. Go at it alone."

A small, startled sound left her at the words and something in him felt a little sick satisfaction from it. She pulled in a trembling breath, her eyes squeezing closed. "Okay," she breathed out. "Okay. We don't have time for your trust issues right now."

"Trust issues?" he snarled, his temper flaring dangerously and he re-took that step forward, causing her to back away from him and against the wall. "Wonder where I could have picked those up. I trusted you, Willa. I put everything on hold to look for you when Constance took you. Everything. But you left me to rot, same as Wyatt. We get a second chance and you choose Clootie. How do you 'spose I came by my trust issues? Don't you dare tell me you're doin' it for Gracie. You-"

The blow snapped his head around hard enough to hurt, his cheek and jaw burning from the open-handed slap. When he turned back she was fuming. "Hate me all you want for leaving you, Robert, but I would never risk Grace's soul just to get her back. What would be the point?"

He stared at her and he could feel the anger rolling off if her in waves.

She stepped forward so that there were only inches between then, holding his gaze stubbornly. "The only chance we have of getting her back - of getting them both back - is ending Clootie once and for all and freeing you. I can find a way to do that if he trusts me. We end this curse and we get our children back."

Wanting to trust and so many betrayals that came before warred against each other inside him and Bobo let his eyes slip closed, the anger flooding out of him and leaving him feeling empty and hurt. The anger was easier. The anger was always easier.

He swallowed hard, and when he reopened his eyes her gaze had softened. She reached up, her touch gentle bow, and she ran her thumb across the side of his face she had hit just moments before. "I know," she whispered, her voice straIned. "I know what you've been through. I know how you shove it aside and how you can't let anyone see. I know it now more than I ever could before, and Robert I am sorry, but I can't change what I did. I can't fix that, but we can end this curse and a chance at something like the life we lived in that dream world. Not perfect, but better. I want that chance, and I'm willing to risk everything to get it."

Bobo's hand found the side of her face and he leaned down, his lips pressed against hers and he felt her own grip shift, one hand slipping around to the back of his neck to pull him in closer and the other sliding down his chest and gripping his t-shirt. He flinched a little, half expecting the freshly-healed wound to still be tender and she pulled back. "I'm sorry," she whispered, and this time he couldn't help but believe her in that.

He pulled in a breath and leaned his forehead against hers. "I want to trust you, Willa. Give me something, anything-"

"Alice." She pulled back, almost like she was startled. "That was why I came looking for you. To warn you. Clootie wanted proof of loyalty."

"Of course he did."

"He had me make a call to Gus."

She paused for a moment and Bobo shrugged. "'Bout what?"

"That's who Wynonna has watching Alice. He had me call her and convince her to bring Alice here."

Blue eyes blinked. "He knows where she is but he's having her brought here? Not going there?"

"What are you thinking?"

"That Clootie's trapped here same as the rest of us. He kills the Heirs and the curse is done. He's free. He wouldn't risk bringing her here unless he had to and he ain't gonna risk-" His gaze shifted to Willa. "You're not goin' back."

"Like hell I'm not," she snapped.

"No, no, no. You've served your purpose. He ain't gonna take the risk in letting you live and having Peacemaker choose you again."

"I have to go back, Robert. I don't have anything on him yet. That's the whole point." She caught his wandering gaze. "I may not be the Earp Heir anymore, and I can live with that. I'm okay with that, but I'm not okay with him winning. If he wins you and I lose everything, and I'll burn this whole damn town to the ground before I let him touch my family again. Any of my family."

He loosed a frustrated growl. He knew that tone and there was no use arguing it. "Make yourself indispensable," he instructed, leaning his forehead against hers again and speaking lowly. "Make him think he can't do this without you."

"How?"

"That's something you'll have to find. You can. You're clever."

"Clever as Wynonna?" she teased softly.

"Runs in the family," he assured her. "Play on his vanity, do what you have to, and trust no one. You're in with your enemies, Willa. There's nothing easy about it."

"You did it for years," she murmured and Bobo snorted.

"Take it from my experience: it's exhausting. Find what you need and get out." He paused, feeling a knot forming in his chest and he kissed her again. "Don't leave me again."

"Never," she swore. "Go. Warn Wynonna. Be careful." Her fingers brushed along the side of his face. "I love you, Robert. I've never said that enough here, but I love you."

"Love you too. Now go. Before you tip your hand."

It was everything he could do to release her, but he had to. It was that or force her to come back to the Homestead with him. She was right though. Finding Clootie's weakness was their best bet, and if they wanted to end this, if they wanted a chance at anything more than the suffering they had all known for so long, they had to be willing to risk everything.

Notes: So, the last chapter I had trouble bringing together and this one was a freakin' kick to the feels to write. And poor Bobo. One of my favourite scenes is from S1 where he pulls Peacemaker from Wynonna and tells her that the weight is only going to get heavier. I love that so much. He sounds like he's speaking form so much experience and I'm really hoping that S3 will open up doors to allow those two to have serious conversations and land on the same side of things.

#Wearp fanfic #Wynonna Earp #Bobo Del rey #Waverly Earp #Willa Earp #Bulshar Clootie #Such Great Heights

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ts-akhmim · 4 years

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Episode 7 “It's a Hot Mess Express “ - Scott

People are so hard to work with. I get they don't like this challenge truly I do but I just wish they wouldn't keep shutting down every idea I had. It's... annoying. I get that I'm also the problem here. Because if an entire room full of people is saying you're wrong then you're probably wrong but still. I dislike being shut down. I've just been feeling kind of isolated since my name was written down. Even in my own alliance it seems like everyone thinks less of me for being paranoid. It doesn't help that I'm not entirely pop culture savvy so a lot of their convos I'm a bit out of the loop on. Part of me wonders if it's cause I'm in a male dominated environment? I don't think they are sexist but I do think that I'm being unintentionally ignored. Like throughout the duration of this confessional I have submitted 6 ideas/comments to the group and they've either been left in the dust or dismissed. That has to mean something right? Is it my personality? Did I come on too strong with my enthusiasm? Do they think I'm bossy? Socializing doesn't exactly come naturally to me. If anyone had met me 4 years ago you'd probably be in the know. You know that ability where you can pick up what people imply, whether through body language or through hidden meanings. I don't. I literally was born with out that ability and it has done whatever the opposite of wonders are for my life. At first I thought it was fine, I thought hey no big, everything is good, people like me eventually. But then I played Malaysia... A lot of great things came out of that game, a lot of good friendships and memories but in a way it sort of haunts me. When the confessionals came out, for the first time ever I saw what people thought about me. Sure they liked me eventually but they also disliked me. Like really really didn't like me at all. It was my first real interaction with people outside of the treatment school I went to, it was my first real interaction with the rest of the world and people hated my guts. Don't get me wrong I always suspected I was disliked but... to see their actual written thoughts on paper was hard. Of course as they got to know me they started to like me but I couldn't forget that it wasn't always like that. That at one point they looked at me or their screen or whatever and saw a pest. And that's my biggest fear, that I'm the problem. That no matter where I go people see me and are filled with dread or disgust. That people are always wishing me some from of ill because I'm bad at conversation or sort of creepy. Well at least they came to their own conclusions now, maybe they pulled their heads out of their asses or because it wasn't me they were actually able to function. God this spiraled, I only wanted to complain about how shitty my tribe was being not go on this full blown existential rant. Fuck me am I right? I'm not sure what this is going to contribute to the game. There is no hashtag big moves or fun comments but like I already typed this up so I'm not going to delete it like a pussy.

Ok now we can talk whew. UMMMM not Connor fucking up Duncan's perfect record! Now that I'm over the shock, thank you Connor because I'm 95% sure that obsession is the reason Duncan did the most to make sure Devon voted me instead of him back on Thoth https://giphy.com/gifs/mamovie-stalking-octavia-spencer-eavesdropping-j5uEVYERR0ncYlJ36e Really pleased with how the game is shaping up tbh, assuming I don't lose another music video challenge hahaha. I would LOVE a final 3 with me, Ali, and Devon but I know that's a long way off so I'm just focusing on the here and now. My biggest concern is protecting Ali. Essentially Duncan hit me up to work with him, TJ, and Jordan and I was very much like lol not sure about that. Mainly because Jordan and I don't have a strong relationship? And Duncan was like yeah but he wants to get to know you better and I'm like https://giphy.com/gifs/week-wtf-moments-QjIz1AqkGTszK If that's the case, that needs to come from Jordan and then it's between me and Jordan. Why someone else is interceding on Jordan's behalf is very dicey to me but I'm not that surprised because that continues to be a theme with Duncan: getting me to fit into plans that best suit him. Y'all know DAMN well Jordan Pines don't wanna go to the end with me and the feeling is mutual. But I HAVE to make it work with Jordan or Duncan will get pissy. He literally was like ok well who are you close with and I felt a serious feeling in my gut to not mention Ali. So I said oh I talk to Adam a lot but I wouldn't say I trust Adam. So after telling Ali all of this lmao, we decided I needed to go back to Duncan and say yes because it would keep me in the know and keep both of us safe. Also it allows me to keep an eye on Jordan and Duncan at the same time so we truly stan. And the gag is I'm not scared of Jordan Pines and I welcome the challenge of getting him out so love yall for letting me in through the front door hahaha My new issue is just timing. We'll be ok if we win this next challenge but if not, I could see that alliance targeting Ali. Obviously I have a plan and will put the vote on someone else but I really want to prolong turning on that group for as long as I can. I don't wanna spook TJ and I know killing Jordan will leave me with a pissed Duncan and I really don't need that based on how seriously he's playing. So I'm hoping I can finesse somehow? Maybe one of them gets idoled out at merge and then a blindside on the other won't be as messy. But yeah I keep feeling like the walls are closing in, in terms of allies, and I'm working HARD to make sure I have an exit strategy at all times haha cause fuck these men I'm trying to win again. I "love everyone" which means I have no problem voting out anyone

So let me just make sure i got this right, connor tried to get people to vote for me, they all told me, he "planned" with me to go for liam, then....he votes for duncan and he goes home unanimously? little did he realize when he went around and gave a feeble attempt at rallying people to vote for me, i had already rallied everyone to go for him and made sure everyone knew he was a liar and couldnt be trusted, you know im a firm believer in loose lips sink ships and i absolutely used my big mouth as my weapon to sink his ship. Even if there turns out to be some majority alliance that did this all without me then well...i guess that's another story but im still taking my hard earned credit because either way i got what i wanted one way or another so im here for it, sorry gal! i now find myself in a position i hope i can make some moves with, duncan already just made a vague to comment to me about how "it only takes 4 now" which he's right, and he mentioned autumn, himself, me, and ali. Which, that's a 4 I would love to go forward with for the time being, i like to think ive had good genuine talks with them 3 in particular, and now we can start get together maybe lock something in and if we make it to a merge or even another swap we at least have something to work with with each other, but we'll see, we gotta focus on immunity first now, id love to win just to for sure see any of the other people who lied to me go home oop so while i may be feeling ok now i just have to remember to simmer down and play smart and make the right connections with the right people i need and saying the right things to whomever needs to hear it, because that's what i do best in these type of games to stay alive, i feel like my intuition has been leading me ok so far this game so im just gonna keep basing my decisions off that and charging forward PERIOD and ill damn sure do it with or without the help of the tomb because a bitch can not get in ive tried over and OVER at this point im back to pounding on the door of it just hoping if im annoying enough yall will let me in!

i'll do a proper game confessional later but me and dan are both judges for the svalbard music video challenge and its so sad that we cant talk... its like... this could be us working on a music video if things were different kjlsdfa its missing dan and jake hours

Whew! Sorry about that what happened was I ran out of anxiety meds a few days and that rant was the commutation of being with out sanity pills for three days! Everything is fine! I am fine! People are fine! I am sorry to the future Thoth 2.0 tribe, you are all great, I just get very spirally when I am without some sort of stabilizing force! Sorry to the hosts for using this as a diary this is not a diary this is survivor... Anyway this time I have some more constructive things to add! Okay so things are fine. Dan and I continue to bond, though he had to call me out on being bad at communication in order for our relationship to progress. I get it was like a check point or whatever and frankly I appreciated it. Like I said in my rant yesterday I have massive paranoia when comes to interacting with people and whether they like me or not, so constructive feedback while annoying is always helpful. Plus through research I found that he values a good social game so the fact that he's reaching out and telling me what I'm doing wrong is probably a sign that I'm not a lost cause :D. It turns out we have a few mutual friends our lord and savior John Coffey and also Sarah,... Lynn to be specific there are like a shit ton of Sara(h)s so should probably clarify lol. I want to work with him. I know he's in the majority alliance with the brawn tribe, which also contains Jakey and Jordan. Considering the fact that the beauties are slowly but surely getting eliminated, their favor would be helpful to me and mine. However, I know for sure that one of them wrote my name down. Honestly probably both of them. I know I keep harping on this fact but I just really really don't like the idea of looking like an idiot by aligning with someone who wanted me dead or wanted to fuck with me. If we do lose this challenge we are going to have to figure out who to keep or who to eliminate, I feel like it should be between those two. Mostly because I'm not exactly comfortable with a brawn majority. Like I know how people are saying tribe lines don't matter and while they don't, advantages do. And what more advantageous than being in a majority alliance? If we get rid of a brawn that would make it 4 brains- 4 beauty - 5 brawn. Which seems a bit more fair lol. Also RIP Connor remember how I said he was a threat? Welp I guess this is why they don't ask me for cast assessments :/ and also cause I was dead for like several years.

absolutely nothing has happened in fact i was kinda in a ~mood~ today so i feel like my social game took a big L because i didnt feel like talking to anyone and i was busy so i kept being that bitch to responding once an hour ..... but in other news i finally accessed the tomb, and once i started using more than one brain cell at a time i was able to get in and it was actually about 10x easier than i was making it out to be im not sure WHY i was struggling so much but of course, to no surprise i finally get in and the pedestal is empty AGAIN. Now there's not only at least 1 idol from the last time i went in the tomb gone, but there's possibly a second too, if not an advantage that can easily be played against me. At this point all i can do is try and recover a little bit, tomorrow ill have to just try more with my conversations and hopefully one of the people i can somewhat trust is the person who has whatever was in their time time around but probably not, it's never that easy

okay so i have a video confessional from earlier uploading which is kind of a recap of the last two rounds BUTTT!! liam just finished editing our video and i love it!! he did so good and our tribe all tried our best... im just hoping the other tribe didn't go bananas all out, because if they didn't we should hopefully win... i really wanna win immunity because otherwise i feel like adam is gonna be the vote and i dont want that anymore KJASDFA. i would just be sad because idk who the alternative would even be.... so basically we better win immunity KJLSADFA

Me: Alright everyone, make sure you film horizontally!!! Devon: Fuck you

Honestly!!! I take back what i said about Kendall. I feel like we’re making some strides to work together??? Or she’s playing me? I’m hoping to stir a Devon vote this round because I think he threw the vote on Kendall to piss me off, but who knows. I wanna talk to Jakey and see what he thinks about a me/him/augusto/Amir alliance to get through this vote? Idk I trust him but who knows!!!! Maybe everyone is lying to me???

okay... i know i said god is a woman and her name is autumn but its time for the remix. god is a woman and her name is alyssa's mum because alyssa's mum just rescued us from defeat in that challenge JKASDF the judges were kinda unnecessarily harsh but we move on. basically for the other tribe's tribal, i hope jake/dan/devon live... hopefully another scary old school person goes but tbh who knows what is going to happen?! im just so happy to have made f13, i said i'd come 14th in my intro so we love surpassing my own expectations

the immunity challenge went well, we won, which is good because i just didnt feel like going to tribal council because im honestly unsure what the hell is going on, i wanted to feel good about the connor vote because obviously that was my plan from the start however he just made it a little too easy by not talking to a lot of people allegedly, up until right before the vote, i dont think there'd be an easy vote next time we go to tribal, unless ... it's me... am i the easy vote?? i wanna really think im not but its just always too quiet to me when we dont go to tribal there's also lots of talk and speculation about a possible merge at 13, but me and my vivid imagination aka paranoia think maybe another swap of some sort could still happen even if for just another round or 2, i never knew with you sneaky hosts!! also i know we won in the challenge but we wouldve won in the challenge by even more if liam used more footage of my video i sent in i feel like i got no screentime!!! but of course i kept my big mouth shut for once because there's no i in team so ill try not to throw too much of a diva fit but listen... i tried to give yall a DEATH DROP, and i pulled a wig ruveal by snatching off my hat, and i was giving you a whole tik tok dance i made myself..... but there was no way i was doing more than beyonce's part so he didnt have much to work with so touche .... the full version i made will just be deleted scenes for myself ill reflect on when im more mature and think to myself "what the fuck was i doing?"

So not to my surprise, we end up losing the challenge AGAIN!! I've just accepted that I really don't have any luck in this game. I was really hoping that we'd just win every challenge until the merge because I'm over going to tribal and voting people out. I feel like going to the amount of tribal councils that I have has left a huge target on my back. But at the same time, I'm playing the game more than other are. Maybe I have that going for me, who knows. Anyways, the Thots alliance is deciding on either Devon or Dan for this vote. I basically told them I was good with either, even though I would perfer to keep Devon so that I at least have more of an opportunity to rebuild our relationship. I've made it very clear that if the group as a whole wanted to do Devon that I'd write his name down to prove that I trust this group moving forward. So we decide to go with Dan for this vote, and this doesn't really sit well with Jakey. I'm not surprised by that, since I know he's wanted Kendall out for awhile now. But he is really adamant that he doesn't want Dan to go. Which I get, he thinks that Dan would trust him moving forward. When it comes to Dan though, his social game lacks so much that it's like "I don't even know if I can trust him moving forward". And I think the fact that Jakey more so wants to target Kendall this round instead of Dan is a strong sign for me. I'm pretty positive he has an idol since the brain one has been found and he's lied to me about clues before. So this has me thinking, maybe it's a good time to get Jakey out this round? Thinking about it numbers wise for the future, we don't really need Jakey's vote for a majority this round since the four beauties and myself makes 4, and if we bring in Devon that's 5. Plus, I don't even think that Jakey's under the impression that he would... get voted out this round. He seems offly confident that he's staying, just that Dan's going. But I like to think he'd let Dan be a sinking ship and go.. Idk I'm gonna try to pitch this to Amir and see what he thinks. I kind of tried to hint around it to Augusto that Jakey wasn't cool with it, but Augusto kind of turned a blind eye at that. And I don't trust Kendall with my thoughts since she's very blunt... so I wouldn't be surprised if she leaked my plans. Similarly to what Devon did when I voted him out last week. I'm hoping that Amir will see where I'm coming from and that he might be open to that concept. For all I know, I could be voted out this round. And honestly, that'd be the smart move for them to make because my perception in the game so far has been pretty spot on. I think my self awareness this time around has been an asset for me, so I'm hoping that I can get by this vote and hopefully enter the merge soon.

Coming back into the game, I knew I needed to open up a bit and start to Slither earlier than I would imagine. After throwing a vote onto Kendall, I broke down any chance between the Beauty and Brawn working together to knock out myself and Scott. I haven't told anyone about my vote, and don't plan to. Going into this vote, Dan should be the obvious choice. OG Brawn hasn't suffered any additional losses in numbers, and I'm just too close with Augusto/Amir/Kendall to consider flipping. In preparation of tonight NOT being a swap, I established an alliance with Amir and Augusto. They are a duo in every sense, but attaching myself to them sets up the opportunity to at least CONSIDER voting out Scott next round. It would have to be between him and Scott.

All I got to say is oof… I genuinely thought I was on vacation after the last round like I’ve been SO bad about talking to people or at least that’s how I felt cause I was operating at 60% instead of the 110% I do when I socialize. That being said, I have my goals that I want to stick to and see happen. Dan needs to leave this tribal so I can get Jakey out next even if Dan leaving makes me really sad. Dan leaving takes a number away from the Brawn and a number away from Jakey, who I am able to get out by keeping Devon and having him/Kendall/myself/Amir vote for him if we happen to lose again. The alliance of me/Kendall/Amir/Jakey/Scott went on call last night and it was deadass an hour and a half long call where everyone was like “idk who should go but I’m fine with whatever” although… that certainly wasn’t the case. I, personally, made points that were pro-Devon such as Devon not having any clear allies to reunite with at merge and things like that and EVENTUALLY at the last 5 minutes of the call, we decided that Dan leaving is the better option. Scott and I even discussed a Brawn having to go before we even did the call so yeah. One thing I could tell though? Jakey was not having it. I understand his frustration but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I voted out AJ to prove that I am not here to play by tribal lines and you said you would do the same but here we are… Amir called me last night telling me about how Jakey was trying to strong arm him into voting Devon out because Jakey didn’t want to do Dan… like sir, I’m? I’m very happy that Amir came to me and confided in me to kinda spill out his emotions like that makes me <3 but it also made me wanna pop off at Jakey because I don’t like those approaches in games hgfjdks even if I do really like Jakey, I was just ugh gjfdks. That aside, I feel like I am doing good about getting information and building friendships out here like I’m DEADASS is almost every single alliance on the tribes I’ve been a part of and while I don’t get tons of info from direct sources (ie. Jakey), I get the information from close allies (ie. Amir) which in a way can be even better? That being said, I’ve been way too good at forming friendships that every vote makes me feel really bad? With Dan for example, I adore that man like even if he isn’t the most talkative he’s just amazing. But does Dan benefit my game as much as Devon? Not really, even if Dan wanted to align. I’m sticking to my promise of doing what I have to do and be a little bit more cutthroat than I usually am because I do genuinely want to win this game and I’ll do what it takes to get there. Honestly, I’d be SHOOK if we do not merge next round or the round after ghfjdksm but I’m just trying to plan ahead and look at my connections. My Thoth connections are Amir > Kendall > Devon > Scott > Jakey whereas my Hathor connections are Autumn > Duncan > Adam (?) > TJ > Jordan > Liam M > Ali. If we do merge, making a secret thing with Autumn would be KEY just to have another person in my corner but also I need to connect with a Brawn to be good with them yknow? It’ll definitely be interesting and I can see the merge being messier than a taco bell bathroom BUT I’m hyped at the same time?

How is it already Day 16? There seems to be something seriously wrong with that. Anywho, I've let myself take a quick step back on the social game these last few days. I think I've put in the work to cement a couple strong groups here and can put myself in a good spot, but now I can avoid being the person that probably would be seen as a huge threat in the near future. Once merge hits (which I'm hoping is this next round), I'm going to have to go back to bringing that social game to a 9 (10 is where the Alyssa threat level begins), but right now I'm hopefully putting myself in a good place. In the event we don't have a merge and have one more vote on Hathor, I really think I need to make a move on Ali. I realize I keep saying this and I'm going to feel awful when he sees this all, but he is such a HUGE threat, and I can't let him skate by to where there's no room to stop him. I made that mistake last time in letting the person I knew would win get too far without me being able to stop them. Not this time. Ain't no fucking way.

This may very well be my last confessional lmao. I’m just feeling very paranoid about this vote and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone votes for me except for Jakey. Or if he even flips to the majority against me. And honestly! I’ve come to terms with it. I really tried my best in the game and I can’t be mad about how I performed in this game specifically. I understand I’m a threat in these games and if people are worried about me end game, quite frankly they should be. I know that I’ve played Tumblr Survivor one too many times and should have quit while I was ahead. I know I’ve talked about working with Kendall and killing Devon, but honestly idk who is voting where. I think I’m going to try to just go with what I think is majority (against Kendall) and just hope to god I’m not going anywhere. I hate having this defeatist attitude, but if I get voted out I’m going to have zero hard feelings and take it in stride. I guess I’m just not cut out to win tumblr survivor ❤️

Our video was so iconic, SHOUT OUT TO ALYSSA'S MOM!!! I should really be making sure im fortifying the bonds i've made but im really just happy to be on break and not have tribal. I've only been to tribal once within a 7 day time span instead of the 4 times in 7 days the brains endured before. I will say i was positively shook to get the vote from connor, but i never thought i could play a perfect game anyways lol. I'm hoping to god that dan or jakey go, i dont want the brawns over here to have other options than autumn and i come merge. Im surprised at myself because im starting to really want to stick with all these people come a merge, i suppose we'll see how it goes and how my attitude changes moving forward.

Sooooooo I actually felt kind of bad about voting for Dan until he was throwing my name out :/ I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm kind of nervous now. Like Jakey told me this and he did the same thing to AJ. Also I haven't heard anything from Scott yet... that's sketchy right? Ugh I swear if I'm voted out then Alyssa's mom, I will meet you in the Denny's Parking lot for a fight. I'm not afraid to throw hands at the elderly, ask Drew.

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We love when men listen to me an in turn we win immunity! This is now the second time that's happened lmao cause I sure did make everyone commit to a time block so we didn't play ourselves in the endurance challenge and I sure did suggest Telephone as the song choice so wooooo Not a lot has happened and I don't have a lot of time to talk to begin with but I have a strong feeling we are not merging tonight lmao. Tbh I look forward to another day on Hathor it's very chill over here, all things considered. Also I need a couple chill challenges the next two rounds cause ya girl is moving, graduating, and leading an underground movement all at the same time so don't set me up with a crazy time-consuming challenge lol

I feel vindicated. Starting off in this game, I was not doing so well gameplay wise. Flash forward, I've been a big contributor physically, and socially too! I've got big plans, and I will carry this tribe again if I have to!

(may've already submitted this but i'm worried i submitted it for day 18?)

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Also...

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ok let me just start by saying: im in an emotionally FRAGILE state at the moment writing this right after the winners at war finale.....SPOILERS IF YOU HAVENT SEEN BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT....NATALIE AND WINCHELE ROBBED, as inspired as i am by my aries sistren natalie and think she should've won, im even more upset for my fellow beauty sister michele because lowkey? i absolutely LOVE the way michele plays, because in my own head at least i like to think i at least play slightly similar, i like to lay low and just adapt to where i see i can fit the best, anywho thats all ill say on that, back to THIS game dan being voted out last round, was kinda meh, i had the tiniest conversation with him during one world and he did end up giving me some tea about the brawns, but i couldve easily tried working with him later on against the beauties, PLUS him leaving means that none of those false beauties left, which is bad for me because i want them all gone oop and ive worked hard over here trying to make sure everyone knows they are threats even if theyre not working together, they went against me and lied to me, which means i cant trust them or work with them, which means i need to make sure no one else does either it's very nice though duncan has approached me and asked who i was comfortable with incase we did go to tribal and he said him and jordan pines were pretty close and honestly jordan is the only one ive been on a call with this whole game which is fine because anyone who knows me knows i dont care for calls much in this game and that usually hurts me so im hoping its not hurting me this time but truly, im not sure people are approaching me way more with information and plans then they ever have so im hoping thats a good sign, espcially with duncan saying he basically wanted me to be in the know with him, i think i can trust him as of now going foward and i hope the same about jordan pines, because first of all i love his energy and him as a person my fellow stoner crackhead, and second of all let's be real i definitely want to use him as a shield later on cmon the guy has a season named after him, forget denise being the queen slayer, i want to be the king tamer also in good with ali and autumn i think?? i personally enjoy my short little convos i have with them frequently so i just hope we're on the same page, but idk the little voice in the back of my head is telling me it all seems too good to be true almost like a perfect illusion and maybe duncan is tricking me trying to talk to me about "keeping this tribe strong", so i guess we'll have to wait until the next time we go to a tribal together to find out so yeah in conclusion, sorry to dan, and plot twist of the century im rooting for jakey to not be voted out the other tribe? even though im still convinced he could be making me his number 1 target especially if he gets in kahoots with kendall, but im hoping i played them against each other enough during the one world so that didnt happen

What do ya know....another tribal council. After only being exempt from one tribal, this has become somewhat of a routine. I am extremely confident in the numbers this round. I'm under the belief that everyone will be writing down Jake's name, and Jake will likely be writing down my/Kendall's name. Still, I believe there is a worry about idols. I would hate to be idoled out by Jake after everything I have worked towards...I can't afford to throw my vote on Kendall or Scott with the merge coming up so soon, because it fractures my game going into a potential merge...Somewhat of a "all or nothing" bet tonight.

Me @ the brawns who have been on this tribe: https://media.giphy.com/media/szPZ2NXIGCMcE/giphy.gif

So a couple new developments: 1. Jordan offered me a final two which I'm sooooo excited to see how that's going to turn out. I've really connected with Jordan this game (which admittedly I didn't think would happen before this game), but he's been the person I've confided in the most out here. So I really think this is going to be the start of something amazing. 2. With this F2 deal, Jordan told me that Amir/Jakey knew each other outside of this game. This is bad for me both because Jakey is supposed to be my other guy with Jordan, but also Amir is the person I'd want to target come merge (which should be next round). I have zero connection to him, he's proven to be good at comps, he's won this game before, and he doesn't add into my plan of having numbers on every side. So now I'm in a spot where I think I'll probably have to make a move against potentially my closest / other closest ally in this game. Being safe right before the potential merge feels amazing and opens a lot of opportunities, but is extremely scary knowing who is going to merge. Hopefully come to merge, I have a chance at the merge idol to avoid anyone else having the chance at getting it, because I need some added knowledge in this game.

I am so fucking pissed at Devon. WHY ARE YOU ON THE BRAINS IF YOU HAVE NO BRAIN CELLS!!!!!!! dsfjkaafkjdaldjfjadksjads Great now I get to die!

I don't know why Jakey wants to kill me. I am not a threat. Like at all? Most of the strategies I come up with are bad and I am barely social? Sure I guess I can win like a challenge or two but not enough to be physical? I mean I'm trying to kill him but like... honestly he started it 2 rounds ago. I am a paper tiger worse I am a paper giraffe. Sure I'm tall but basically harmless and only sort of evil. At least I remember why I hated him so much. I don't hate him NOW, I'm 22 years old I have better things to do then hate some guy for trying to win a game. But I am annoyed and inconvenienced by this. Maybe a little hurt too because the only reason I can think to get voted out is because my personality sucks so much that he doesn't see a future where we can work together. Which is fair I guess? But I can't be that awful right? God this game is a constant existential crisis... Also I think people are annoyed with me for being paranoid and shit. Oh I'm sorry people who's name isn't getting written down, I'm sorry I'm not more pleasant while I'm in fear for my metaphorical life.

It’s a MESS ITS A FUCKING MESS SCOTTIE WANTS DAN OUT DAN WANTS DEVON JAKEY WANTS DEVON DEFON WANTS DAN AUGUSTO AND KENDALL WANT JAKEY AMIR WANTS NOT JAKEY OR AUGUSTO OR KENDALL I literally don’t have number in this game and I’m going to get fucked on at the merge

Okay so Augusto basically told him that his name was an option for this vote or the next one and Kendall told him that the brawns are bringing up his name and said that he was the throw away vote So now my gut is telling me dan did it and jakey was in on it But I don’t care, if that’s the case Everyone on this tribe wants a brawn out, EVERYONE I just have to make sure it’s not jakey Because Augusto and Kendall want jakey now and I refuse it Rn it seems they r okay doing dan It seems everyone is cool doing dan So I’m happy with that

Jakey is fucking strong arming me r u joking Ndbdjdjsns Jakey talked to scottie And got scottie to want devon So now they’re gonna try and call the alliance tmmrw and change to vote back to devon over dan And if Augusto and Kendall don’t want to Jakey wants to pull brain and brawn to vote kendall like sir I’m literally getting strong armed, and he can’t see why people want dan out I could make a move rn But should I even I probably shouldn’t If they try to get kendall I will flip it on him

don’t know what to do I’m pleading so hard with jakey rn like hey it’s not good for me to go into merge with 6 brawn 4 beauty (dysfunctional) and 3 brain (dysfunctional) And I said I want to do dan is that okay like jakey u need to choose a side, brawns, or this tribe And he goes If u decide to do dan Then I’m gonna unite dan and Scott and Devon and vote kendall So if that’s the case, I’m sending u home theres no way around it then

Throw back to last night when I hung up on jakey to call Augusto and told jakey that I was taking a shower but literally I was gone for an hour and needed an excuse fast so I told him i shaved my ass call that strategic ass shaking

Okay so this tribal. Everyone on my tribe thinks jakey is evil and he’s just going to go back to the brawn tribe, which is like, wtf, he literally voted in minority on purpose and gave us leverage on him. Like he literally has put himself on the line multiple times. He ratted out the brawn majority over and over. Like jakey is not loyal to the brawns on the other side at all. The people on this tribe don’t give a shit and my opinion isn’t being heard at all, Kendall won’t budge and Augusto won’t budge, and Scott wants to keep devon. Can I just say scott is a rat, he is playing every single person. Jakey trusted him soooo much . Anyway, everyone wants jakey out for literallt no reason and jakey trusts me 100% and jakey is the best way to get info from the brawns on the other side. Anyway, KDJDKSN KDNDKD we are getting dirty. Jakey has an idol. And I told him he was the vote and I made it sound like it’s all Scott’s decision cuz I’m really tight with Kendall and Augusto, so now, jakey wants to idol out Scott Basically, it’s time for a cluster fuck and it’s time for chaos So at merge jakey and I will play from Opposite sides

so jakey fking tried to flip the vote and he blew up the 5 person alliance to devon and hes fucking up my game so much nkwejfnkew god maybe i will try and get him out at merge even tho i love him, i basically had to ccreate this narrative that jakey thinks that me jakey scott and devon are voting kendall but jakey is actually voting out scott jesus christ thi round gave me a migraine i have a case of the lie-abetes

I- there's nothing else to say hahaha the boys don't even talk game. So when I know something y'all will know something

People are paranoid as hell about a merge. What is there to be paranoid about, honestly? I've just tried to come into this game and have a good time and I think I've achieved that. No one is really looking at me as a threat right now, and there's still plenty of time left to play.

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which i will upload but adam just woke me up to the fact that we might be merging tonight?! which is so exciting and kinda crazy.... and the days line up with montenegro for us to be merging... at merge i think all my "laying low" can finally be for something and i can transition the bonds i've been making into making stuff happen. i've also been hosting a game during these quarantine times and i've realised people that do too much making SUCH deep bonds during the early stages become the people the jury is mad at in the endgame. i feel like im the middle ground, people feel close to me (and I would like to think I've come across as likable) without everyone thinking im their soul sister closest ally. at merge i think my "close" people who i can somewhat rely on are: autumn, jake, dan(?), jordan(?) and adam? like i have a core of people with various connections, which gives me some cover. its just about then feeling out the rest and seeing who i can trust amongst the rest... particularly the unknowns of augusto/kendall/scott/amir (assuming they are all at merge). like that is going to be the most important part of the merge stage for me, is figuring out which of them i can trust (and i do think dan and/or jake's opinions can help with this, because brainstorming with autumn helped me figuring out this hathor swap tribe).

i'm excited for merge... i do think i have early juror written all over me but i am also very excited. its time to emerge from the shadows and stumble my way into the light

live fast die young merge boots do it well. i literally am a clown, i got excited by my guess going so well and now i literally am a target the size of the sun exclusively because of my own actions what was i thinking KJASDFA honestly at this point? i embrace it, i push the 'im a shield' narrative and i trot on my little trotters to being mayor of ponderosa. this season i chopped of my own head so will not be the winner and the king, but hopefully i can be a kingmaker? also if me winning the tiebreak sends jake home i literally will be so unspeakably frustrated with myself i will literally... scream. HE PROBS HATES ME. i'm praying he lives i will feel so bad if he doesnt KLASDF

i literally... can not believe i am so stupid my lack of braincells really boggles my mind

So I was really hoping that we would win this challenge today because I like everyone on this tribe. But of course with my luck in this game, we lose AGAIN. And it's a shame because I like the Thots Alliance and i feel bad voting out Devon. I know he's someone who trusts me and although I don't 100% trust him, I know that he's someone I can depend on. Plus he makes a really good goat at the end, so it'll make winning more of an obstacle for me without him there. To my surprise however, Kendall and Augusto approach me with the idea of voting out Jakey. I really like Jakey and I practically see him as my #1 here, so voting him out would be difficult for me to do as well. We've discussed the idol together, he gave me his CBS all access account info to watch the finale, and hes one of the very few smart people in this game. So on a personal level, this is a hard decision to make. However, from a game perspective, it might be the right call. Jakey's setting himself up to be a swing vote at the merge, and the fact that he campaigned for Dan to stay and was adamant on not voting him out shows that. When it comes to Devon and I, I would prefer to not vote Devon out but if I needed to in order to show that I trust an alliance moving forward I would. So the fact that Jakey doesn't see it like that is alarming to me. In addition to that, I know that Jakey has lied to me multiple times in this game. He purposefully gave me the wrong idol clue for one of the matches, and when I called him out on it he bluffed it up. On top of that, I know for a fact that he voted for Kendall during the AJ vote. And the fact that he's trying to play it off on Devon goes to show the lengths he would go to make sure he controls everything. And on top of that, he wants us all to tell Devon straight up that he's going. Like... did he not learn from my story when I tried to do that? It can't happen. From a game perspective, voting out Jakey is the more logical choice to make. He can navigate better in a group of people and is aware of whats going on. Devon on the other hand, doesn't even know where the idol is or how to look for it. Devon is someone who you can take into a merge and know what he's going to do. Jakey is more unpredictable. And I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to rally up troops to blindside me when that time came. From a personal perspective, I prefer that Devon goes just because of the lack of trust between us and the fact that I don't ever see myself fully trusting him. Sadly I have to lose this battle in order to win the war at the end. So I'm going to vote Jakey out tonight and really hope that it doesn't come to bite me in the but or that he doesn't play his idol (i know he has one, its obvious with how paranoid he's been)

Guess I’m gonna cry because we lost… by a tiebreaker… it was sad. I feel especially awful because had I not made the mistake of repeating a name on my list during my 8th guess, we could’ve very well have won… but no one needs to know that! It just blows because going into a potential merge in a 7-5 scenario is NOT it. Plus like, their only vote was a unanimous vote for Connor which like… love Connor, but a rock could vote Connor out. I wanted to see tension, I wanted to see idols played, I wanted to see hands thrown, I wanted to see lines drawn, and I wanted to see messiness but all I ended up seeing? Disappointment. I hate it here deadass (‘:

Aside from being kinda sad we lost, I do feel super secure. Last round, I wanted Dan to leave to get rid of Brawn numbers and have the best chance to get Jakey out and now I have that! I know Amir is on the fence but I know Kendall and Devon would be all for it (Scott is as well, but I didn’t really know how much he’d be about it until this round) so it needs to happen. While I adore Jakey as a person and we’ve connected a lot, our strategic games don’t align at all since he doesn’t tell me much of anything? Most of his info goes to Amir or Scott and I’m being selfish here but I want all the tea (‘: plus him playing double agent with the Brawns at merge is not what I need if we’re going into the merge with not enough numbers. Not only that but Adam is a wildcard in terms of if he’ll work with me or not but Jakey being there with us makes it so Adam wouldn’t want to so there’s that. Girl… i sound like a whole ass gamebot wtf ghfdjnms

It’s so weird like I am extremely proud of the game I am playing but I still feel inadequate as a player? I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I’m ME but my two closest allies (Kendall, Amir) are playing so much better? Amir is able to get all the tea in the world and form those important game connections which I don’t feel like I can yknow? With Kendall, she is just so bold (and beautiful) with her gameplay in a way I could never like she doesn’t mind being the secondary target, she talks to everyone and talks game with everyone, and stuff like that. So in a way, I’m probably not a major threat to people because those two icons are here BUT I also don’t know if that’ll make me seen like a non-factor… that’s just how I feel going into merge and it’s kinda mehhh idk ;-;

MERGE IS COMING. TOnight actually, people are speculating, but im the only one with the certainty that its tonight and im feeling wonderful. I think if I play my cards right Im gonna have a lot of options come merge. God pending Kendall does not die tonight (hopefully her beauties keep her alive) im gonna suggest we secret pair beware this shit and tsart working from opposite sides to keep each other safe. That will allow me to pick of people Im not working with, while hopefully ensure that people im not with who are with her will be detered from targeting me. Thats my plan but who knows what the true dynamics of merge will be. Ive been playing quiet so far but im about to become the star of teh show, my ego just cant take it.

i really feel like by getting a five i got jake voted out and i want to scream i literally am gonna be out for blood if he goes

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#BackWithVengeance

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ice-cream-beat · 7 years

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9 with a platonic Rokuven? I love how you write and I need more things with them :)

ahhh thank you! I do enjoy writing these two together, it’s really fun to try and figure out how their friendship might go. :’D And super sorry for the lateness!

#09. things you said when i was crying

summary: “Just tell me,” he implored gently: “what’re you looking for?”

Roxas wavered. Axel, the rest of the Organization, the man in Twilight Town, even… even somebody else, he couldn’t remember who… They were all so busy with their own intentions and plans that they either pushed him away or strung him along, sometimes both. Naminé had been different – she gave him answers when nobody else would – but even then… When had anybody ever asked him what he wanted? [Roxas + Ventus.]

Ao3 version here

/ / / / /

“Roxas! Wait–!”

A hand closed around Roxas’ wrist and stopped him in his tracks. The grip was firm and tight – authoritative, not beseeching – but without hurting. He didn’t turn around.

“Roxas, listen,” the voice behind that hand pleaded. “Let’s talk about this.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” was Roxas’ flat, quiet reply. “Let go.”

For an immeasurable moment in time – if time even passed here – there again fell that eerie silence. The waves lapping at the shore, the breeze stirring the palm trees, the outlines of gulls soaring far overhead… none of them made a sound. They had never made a sound, not once in the undefined space of time since Roxas had found himself here. It was like a dream, except the glaring sun and sparkling sand were too bright, too sharp. The grip on his arm was too solid and real.

“C’mon, just… talk to me.” The request, though harmless, made Roxas’ temper flare again. This guy always wanted to talk. He always had something to say, something positive and cheerful and calm – but Roxas only perceived that attitude as resignation. He had given up and accepted the fate of being stuck here, idealizing some eventual mercy on Sora’s part; but while Roxas was naive in a lot of ways, he wasn’t stupid. He knew there was nobody left to trust here but himself.

Slowly, Roxas finally turned around partway, but he didn’t back down to ease the tension along their arms. The face looking back at him smiled hopefully – a face that probably should have shocked him a lot more than it had the first time he saw it, but he had never been in the habit of looking into a mirror regularly. Coming across a face identical to his own had been startling and confusing, but probably not as shell-shocking as it would have been for some people. Normal people.

But Ventus, too, was arguably far from normal. He took this place in stride, despite having been here for so long. He spoke of Sora fondly, despite admitting that he didn’t “exactly” know him, whatever that meant. And sometimes Roxas heard him talking out loud, as though in conversation with somebody, but every time he looked there was nobody else there and Ventus would give a sad smile and an awkward laugh and brush it off.

“What’re you gonna do?” Ventus pressed. “What d’you think you can do from here?”

“He’s close.” Roxas wrinkled his nose, his stare turning distant even as it stayed on Ventus. Here, he could always feel Sora, but he was always distant, like somebody just outside of speaking distance that he couldn’t reach. Now… now he was nearby. Roxas knew where he was – where they all were – he felt the chilly touch of the World That Never Was, and something about that atmosphere put Sora closer to them – or maybe they were closer to him. Roxas was certain he could reach him now, that all his anger and grief could finally go somewhere.

That remark wasn’t really an answer, but Ventus was patient. He had to be after this long. “Even if you can talk to ‘im… then what?”

Roxas’ hands curled into fists. He didn’t want to talk to Sora. Despite his silence, or maybe because of it, Ventus must have detected his intention because he frowned. Roxas turned away again, indifferent and indicating he was done with the conversation. He’d thought, at first, that Ventus would understand him – he seemed like the only one who could – but it was clear they were too different. Either Ventus was too forgiving and laidback, or he hadn’t lost enough to be angry. He couldn’t possibly have understood how Roxas felt, not with that constant, blithe cheeriness, which meant that Roxas was once again alone and taking matters into his own hands.

Get to Sora. It was the only thing he could think of. The only thing to do besides walking in circles here.

“Roxas…” Ventus tried again. “I know you’re upset, but you gotta hear me out. There’s… there’s somethin’ you’re missing. I don’t think you can see it as long as you’re mad like th–” His voice cut off with a small sound of surprise, his fingers tensing in the same second, as a flash of light and sound of metal interrupted him. Slowly, Roxas looked over his shoulder, the Keyblade in his right hand staying low at his side.

“Let. Go.” It wasn’t up for debate.

Ventus met his gaze with an uncertain, concerned one – but it quickly hardened as his frown deepened. “No.”

Why… Why does everybody try to tell me what to do–

In a swift and sudden motion Roxas pivoted around and wrenched his arm free of Ventus’ grasp, his second Keyblade flashing into his hand. With nothing short of a fighter’s instinct Ventus retreated a couple steps with a solemn glare, shifting his stance and reaching out to the side to summon his own weapon – but he didn’t. Instead his attention was drawn to the latter of Roxas’ Keyblades, and something about it seemed to give him pause. He stared at the white blade, confused and thoughtful – and as odd as that was, Roxas was out of patience. He didn’t ask for an explanation; he didn’t want one.

“I’m going,” he repeated in a snap. “I don’t care who – or what you are. Don’t get in my way.”

That drew Ventus’ stare back to his face, and for a long, uncertain moment neither of them moved. Then, finally, Ventus straightened up again into his usual easy posture, but his head twitched towards his right shoulder and he glanced aside, as if listening to something behind him. After another few seconds he turned to Roxas fully, but not before stealing a glimpse at each Keyblade one more time.

“Okay…” He was quiet. Roxas wasn’t sure whether the remark was meant for him or just a thought spoken aloud. “Maybe… it’s the only way,” Ventus murmured. He sounded… sad. And the next look he gave Roxas matched the tone, although there was something resigned in it. “Just tell me,” he implored gently: “what’re you looking for?”

More importantly… what did he want, really?

“…Anything,” he answered quietly, gruffly. “Answers. Proof that… he’s the right one.”

“The right one…?”

Roxas gave a sharp, stiff nod. “He was chosen. Not me. I need… I need to know why.” His fingers tightened around his hilts until his palms stung. “That’s the very least he can do for me.”

“Roxas – you gotta ask yourself, what’s really most important to you?” Ventus challenged suddenly. “Isn’t there somethin’ else? Somethin’ that matters more than answers?”

Something… else? What kind of question was that?

“No,” Roxas answered, but his doubt showed. “Why would there be? What d’you know? You don’t know me.”

“I don’t,” Ventus agreed, “but somebody else does. Somebody who’s worried about you.” As he spoke, the air around him seemed to shimmer and bend slightly. Behind him, something dark – a shadow, about as tall as he was – blinked into view, but when Roxas tried to look at it directly, it disappeared. “You gotta try and remember,” Ventus was saying. “I know you haven’t lost it. Nobody would lose memories that important–”

“Enough!”

Ventus was no better than the others. Claiming to care but talking in vague terms, refusing to be straight with him… Roxas was done with it. All of it. He spun around and tore off down the beach, kicking up sand as he went. He didn’t look back to see if Ventus tried to grab him again, but he could already tell he wasn’t following.

As he approached the end of the shore, the point at which he would have to turn the corner and take the door through that wooden structure, the colors around him started to fade: the sky, the sand, the water, it all slipped into a grey hue that continued to darken, until he was finally running through an empty blackness.

Still that pull on his heart remained. He kept running, trusting it to take him where he wanted to go.

* * *

Ven continued to stare down the beach long after Roxas was gone. No, “gone” wasn’t right – he was still close. Ven could still feel him. He was just elsewhere.

“You sure that was the right thing?” he wondered. “I could’ve stopped him.”

“I don’t think you could have.” Soft footsteps crunched gently over the sand until the second presence stepped up beside him. “Not without the two of you getting hurt… and he’d just look for another opportunity, anyway.”

Ven hummed unhappily. “But Sora…”

“He’ll be okay.” That was said with a smile. “They both will. Roxas knows who he is, deep down… I think that’s the real ‘answer’ he’s looking for.”

“Huh… You know ‘im really well, don’t you?”

“Mm. But I also know what he’s going through.” There was a pause. “Ven… I’m sorry for asking so much of you. But if he never remembers–”

“I’m sure he will,” said Ven resolutely. “I bet it’s just like you said: he just has to work through everything he’s feeling first.”

That prompted a nod. “I hope so. But… if that isn’t the case… and you’re still the only one who can see me… Roxas is going to need a friend.”

For another moment neither of them spoke. Then Ven nodded with an affirmative sound. “Right. I’ll help him out.”

“Thanks.”

* * *

When Roxas returned, he found the brightness of the beach was no longer blinding. This time he felt the touch of the sun’s rays on his face and neck – not hot, but warm. Welcoming.

Ventus descended on him in a heartbeat, bolting across the sand to slide to a halt in front of him. “Roxas! What–” He stopped short, staring wide-eyed at Roxas’ face – and the small half-smile it wore. “Roxas…?”

“It’s okay.” Turning to look out over the waters, Roxas realized he had never really taken them in. He hadn’t appreciated the splash of cheerful color that the World That Never Was had lacked; he hadn’t really considered what a change in tone it was from the perpetual, sleepy sunset of Twilight Town. He liked both. “I get it now.”

“What happened?” asked Ventus cautiously. “Did you actually meet him?”

“Yeah…” Roxas thought back for a moment to what had transpired: a brutal and angry confrontation that had seemed to both last forever and end in an instant. Only a handful of words, all of which had only meant anything to himself. And a fight that he didn’t mind having lost. “It wasn’t what I expected,” he admitted.

“So… did you find what you were looking for? Answers?”

Roxas hesitated, and then looked back to Ventus as he nodded lightly. “Yeah, actually. I did.” It was all right now. That wasn’t to say he wasn’t sad, that he didn’t miss Axel or still sting inside from how fast his life had gone downhill to land him here… but that dark, crushing weight in his chest was gone. He no longer felt like he needed to lash out. He no longer felt angry. Maybe that was why this beach seemed so much clearer to him now. Maybe his feelings – because that’s what they were, he felt things, Nobody or not, heart or not – maybe they had blinded him before. And now…

Now he could see.

He started to say something else to Ventus, but stopped when he noticed something behind him. Doing a double-take, Roxas realized it was a second figure. Standing further back, dressed in the same black coat as himself, hands folded in front of her hips as she watched and waited as though she had been there the whole time–

Roxas stared. Ventus picked up on it, followed his gaze, and then quickly stepped back and out of the way with a small, knowing smile of his own. Roxas barely noticed him, because he was busy wondering why his chest ached and his eyes began to sting as he went on watching the strange girl, trying to figure out why she looked so familiar…

The gentle touch on his back nearly made him jump. He heard Ventus speak just behind his shoulder. “Aren’t you gonna say hi? It’s been awhile since you’ve seen her.”

“Wh…” Roxas had to swallow and try again. His throat felt thick, and the lump in the middle of it made his voice come out deeper than usual. “Who is…?”

“She’s one of your best friends, right?”

The girl smiled at that, but it looked like an uncertain expression. She otherwise didn’t budge, and her eyes stayed on Roxas.

“My best…?” Roxas echoed, his voice hushed now. A strange sensation shot up through his neck, his skull, and into his temples, making him stumble forward as he expected to be hit with pain – but instead it was only warmth, gentle and comforting but also tinged with grief, and with it came words and voices, pictures and sounds and…

Her.

Blanks that he hadn’t even realized were blanks – they began to fill in, nearly overwhelming him, but he felt Ventus’ firm hand on his bicep, holding him up – but it did nothing for the strange pounding in his ears, his chest, or the hot, wet tracks that ran unbidden down his face. There was no stopping any of that.

Roxas tried to speak, but only managed a shuddering breath. He swallowed again, hard. “Xi… Xion!” He forced his dizzy head up, blinking through blurry eyes, and found her standing directly in front of him. She, too, had tears on her face and a tremble in her shoulders – but she smiled through every second of it.

“Roxas…”

He had forgotten her. Even after remembering so much… he had forgotten all about her and hadn’t even realized it. That was the only thing that made him pause right then, that kept him from rushing forward to try and make it up to her. How could he possibly have forgotten her, one of his best…? What kind of person – what kind of friend would…

“Roxas.” Ventus this time. He leaned in to catch Roxas’ eye, still holding his arm. Still smiling. Despite always having something to say, now he was silent – but it was fitting, somehow. Roxas took more simple strength from that hand on his arm, more reassurance from that gaze, than he probably could have from any positive or encouraging thing Ventus might have said right then. For the first time since meeting him, Roxas suddenly wondered if Ventus did understand him, at least a little. Or maybe even more than that.

He looked at Xion again, who was still watching him, and waiting, as she must have done for a long time now. Not alone, thanks to Ventus, but still without her best friends. Still forgotten.

Roxas wasn’t sure what pushed him to the gesture – he certainly hadn’t been familiar with it during his time in the Organization; maybe it was some fragment of his fake, broken memories. Maybe it was something else. He didn’t stop to think or even care – the only thing that seemed right in that moment was to stagger forward and clumsily throw his arms around her. She was solid and warm. She was real.

He felt her return the hug tightly as she buried her face in his shoulder.

“You remember…”

#he mad #poor smol angry child and poor smol light child trying to calm down smol angry child #i didn't really intend to have so much of a third character there bUT #when it adds to the sad W H Y N O T #fanfic #mine #roxas #ventus #kingdom hearts #and yeah i am #stupidly late in getting this up i'm sorry #rl's usually chill until i decide to take requests #then it goes N O P E U GOTTA BE BUSY K

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hiraethstill · 7 years

Note

Hey hey hey!! Could I get KuroKen with Kuro helping Kenma through a panic attack or a depressive episode??

Unknown Number

Kenma could feel himself shaking long before he managed to find an empty stall. But the real panic only started to set in in full force as he slumped against the wall, sliding into a sitting position and wrapping his arms around his knees– shuddering, shallow breaths and the blurred lines of the stall door, the wall, the toilet next to him, the crush of anxiety on his chest forcing the air out of his lungs, disconnecting him from his surroundings. It seemed as though he was looking at everything through the wrong end of a smudged telescope, but even more sickening was the cold familiarity of the feeling.

It took him at least half an hour of using any method he could think of to calm down before he trusted himself to uncurl his body and sit upright. Blinking, he rubbed at his eyes weakly, willing them to focus on something, anything. They eventually landed on the inevitable graffiti covering the wall, trailing along the crude “Fuck this shit,” which he silently agreed with, a drawing of a penis, which he did not appreciate, and a few Your Mom jokes, which he didn’t bother to read fully. It was only when his eyes skimmed a small message near the bottom that he paused.

Aside from the elaborately drawn chemistry diagram, there were five words.

Ever just need a friend?

Right under the message was a number.

He stared at it for a long time, like if he touched it, it wouldn’t be real. Finally, his hands moved on their own, taking out his phone. The rational part of him told him that it was a complete stranger, might even be a practical joke. The rest of him was too done with being alone and terrified that it worked on its own, taking a blind leap of faith.

His fingers stopped over the call button, however. It would be much harder to call the person and hear their voice while having to respond with his own weak one. A text would be much easier, safer.

Exhaling slowly, he exited out of the current screen and opened the texting app instead. His fingers already seemed to have memorized the number, typing with quick efficiency until he pulled up a chat box for the unknown addressee. Before he could second-guess himself any further, he let himself go, typing out exactly what he was feeling, all the words he wanted to throw in his teachers’ and classmates’ faces but could never bring himself to voice aloud.

Kenma: yes, i need a friend. because im so damn tired of myself and my inadequacies but no one will listen farther than a few times including my parents and do you know how hard it is just to get out from under the blankets in the morning and know that no one will truly want to see you or ask how youre doing and youre too anxious and withdrawn to ‘just go out and talk to people’ which you absolutely hate but cant do anything about except retreat into your shell and socially regress every single day when all you want is for someone to just. listen.

He took a deep breath, realizing he’d been holding it the whole time, and let it out, sagging back against the wall and letting his head tilt back toward the ceiling. There was a strange sense of calm creeping in at the edges of his mind and chest, almost a sort of relief. The truth was out there now, at least with one person, and even if whomever it was blocked him or never replied, he felt lighter.

What he didn’t expect was the chime of his phone about a minute later.

Blinking, he tilted his head back down to the screen. A new message had popped up from the unknown number. And another.

Unknown Number: I’d be more than happy to listen

Unknown Number: Maybe we’re strangers, but you can talk to me, tell me how you’re doing, about your day - I’ll keep listening, or uh, reading, oops

Despite himself, Kenma found the corner of his mouth lifting in the ghost of a smile. Every part of him that felt dragged through the mud felt as if it were reaching out, trying to grasp onto something. It was strange how he was gravitating toward a chance at hope when everything was so hopeless. There was only one thing to say.

Kenma: thank you

**********

Kuroo knew to turn off his phone during class, or at least silence it so the teacher wouldn’t know. Recently, it had been more of the latter since his mom had been in the hospital and had no qualms about texting him at all times of the day.

So when he looked down at the silent notification, his eyes didn’t register that it had come from a different number at first. It was only when he saw the long paragraph that he paused. Instinct told him to look up at the teacher to make sure she wasn’t paying attention to him, and he subtly tilted his head down so he could scan the screen.

Something in his chest clenched, and he checked the sender’s information. Unknown. But this unknown had reached out to him. The person had no other option, and that tugged at him inexplicably.

He wanted to help.

Quickly, he typed out a reply one-handed, pretending with the other that he was taking notes, and sent another just in case. Then he went back to the chat box for his mother just in case the teacher decided to question him, heart picking up.

When he checked again, there was a short answer. Just two words.

Unknown Number: thank you

Kuroo smiled to himself. He’d made a difference, no matter how slight, and he knew that could mean the world.

Kuroo: No problem

Kuroo: Are you in class right now?

Immediately after he’d send it, he pursed his lips in distaste. He had no way of knowing how old the person was, much less if they attended school or not. He probably sounded like a fool.

Unknown Number: no

Unknown Number: dont worry about it, ill go to class or home soon

Kuroo: Ah, okay

Kuroo: Just wondering where you got my number

Unknown Number: werent you the one that wrote it on the bathroom wall

Oh. Oh. So it was a kid that went to this school. Kuroo had almost forgotten writing it out on the wall, but some vague memory resurfaced from the previous year involving a 2000 yen bet, a squirrel, and a certain bully’s underwear.

Kuroo: Right, I did, sorry

Kuroo: Glad it was put to good use

It took a while for the next response, enough to let Kuroo fill at least a third of the page with actual notes.

Unknown Number: i still can’t believe it

Kuroo: Believe what?

Unknown Number: that youre still here talking to me

Kuroo: You’re kind of stuck with me now (-u0)

Unknown Number: …youre a dork

Kuroo had to smile at that. It really wasn’t far off the mark, and he was pleasantly surprised at how perceptive this person seemed to be. Intrigued, even.

Kuroo: Can’t argue with that~

**********

The daily conversations became less about anxiety the longer they went on, and more about daily life. Even the silences were companionable, not oppressive like before, as Kenma slowly learned that the other person didn’t expect anything of him, didn’t silently demand what others did. He stuck to his phone longer, but now it wasn’t completely because he was withdrawing from others. Now he had something to look forward to - someone to look forward to - and it was a comfort in so many ways.

Unknown, which was what he’d dubbed the person, was smart, he knew that, and cared a lot about his mother. He was also confident, which Kenma envied slightly, being uncomfortable in his own skin. Or maybe Unknown had just stopped caring what others thought.

Either way, he found himself checking his phone constantly, and while he still had panic attacks, still couldn’t bring himself to talk to people, still let the negative thoughts creep in often, he had this Unknown, finally had a constant.

It was a few months before he checked his phone one morning to more of a decision than a message.

Unknown: Hey, I was wondering since we’re in the same school and all, would you like to meet? Totally fine if not, I don’t want to pressure you into anything

It took him a few minutes to completely register that message. Texting was one thing, but face-to-face interaction? He still got anxious whenever he even passed people in the hallway. How could he willingly…

He stopped, took a deep breath. What was he really scared of? Unknown had done so much for him, and here he was, scared of something so simple. In fact, if they could meet in person, it might be even better, for the both of them. They could actually spend time together in person, do all the normal things that friends did. Unconsciously, his fingers were already replying, typing out a quick affirmative and asking when and where. It didn’t take long to receive a reply and sort out the details.

Saturday. Only a few days away.

**********

It was only as he was pulling on an acceptable shirt on Saturday morning that Kuroo realized he had no idea what to look for. They hadn’t talked at all about how they looked, so he could completely pass by the other and not even know. Hurriedly, he sent a text.

Kuroo: What should I look for?

Unknown: ill sit at the table closest to the door with my psp

Kuroo: Okay, see you soon

Gathering his wallet and keys, he stood and made his way out the door and toward the train station. A short ride and a quick walk found him standing in front of the cafe. He didn’t hesitate as he pushed his way inside, immediately looking around.

There, with a PSP clutched in his hands and knees curled up to his chest, was a boy who couldn’t be much younger than himself, sitting at the closest table as he’d said he would. The hair spoke of laziness or just apathy, brown roots showing through the dyed blonde. Luminous amber eyes flicked up toward him, and seemed about to flick right back to his game, but Kuroo held them there as he stepped up to the table.

“Are you…?” he started, then stopped. The eyes seemed to grow even wider, blinking rapidly. “Are you okay?” he finished, coming to sit across from him.

The other nodded slowly and ducked his head, seeming to be trying to swallow. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft, uninflected.

“You’re… taller than I thought.”

Kuroo was slightly taken aback, but broke into a grin and took the seat across from him. “And you’re smaller than I thought, but hey, both are okay.”

The blonde paused his game and set it carefully on the table, looking up. “Your name…?”

“Kuroo Tetsurou.” He reached out with a hand slightly, but stopped himself. No contact, right. Instead, he settled for a smile.

The other’s voice seemed be softer and stronger all at once. “Kozume Kenma.” Kuroo was surprised when he reached across the table himself and touched his palm to the taller male’s in a sort of half-handshake.

“I’m…” Kenma hesitated. “Well, thank you for coming.”

“I’m the one that invited you,” Kuroo pointed out.

“Yeah, but…” Kenma shrugged, and Kuroo understood, he really did.

“Hey,” he said, softer. “It’s alright. I know.”

The immensely grateful look in Kenma’s eyes made it all worth it.

Just goes to show, sometimes I get extremely carried away. This was almost 2K on google docs, and first written on what was supposed to be scratch paper after state testing. Oops.

#haikyuu!!#ask #kuroo tetsurou #kozume kenma #kuroken #unknown number #bathroom au??

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i-amusemyself · 7 years

Note

Every and all countries.

HEY ITS MY FAVE ANON!!!! 😄😄😄💕 Thankies!!!! (Sorry for the delay, ive barely had internet)

America: What is your favourite place to eat?I’m not really sure 😂 I dont ever really go out to eat and if I do I just end up going to McDonalds or Nandos tbh

Australia: Do you have any quirks when speaking? ….I don’t know, I don’t pay much attention! I know if my head is somewhere else I’m terrible at keeping eye contact. Besides that I basically just laugh for one reason or another and say sorry 24/7.

Austria: already answered

Belarus: Is there anyone that you love? Family/friends/romantic interest etc.Oh hell yeah definitely!! I love my family one way or another ig. My friends, even the ones I don’t see often, I absolutely adore! I have like 5 people I would legit die for 😂

Belgium: What do you think of your siblings?I dont have any. I wish I did tho.

Botswana: Do you like to sing? Why?Yeah, I like singing since it sometimes helps when my mood gets down. I only really do it when I’m alone tho bc im shy

Bulgaria: Who do you consider close to you?I have 3 close friends tbh and id trust them with just about anything

Cameroon: Describe your culture.Lmaoooo what culture? 😂 I’m basically english and i dont even know if the things associated with that would be considered cultural? Idk we just drink tea, say sorry and are supposed to have a stiff upper lip at all times

Canada: Favourite wintertime activity?Not having to go to school 😂 idk tbh, sledging is kinda fun from what i remember?

China: already answered

Cuba: What sort of grudges do you hold if any?I very rarely hold grudges tbh, I let 99% of things go even if people don’t apologise. It’s hard to say where the line is without sounding overdramatic. I guess if they made my life so bad I considered ending it I wouldnt like someone too much (or if others saw that and continued to stay friends with them).

Cyprus: already answered

Denmark: Do you wish for something of your past?Nah, not really. I try my best to look forward, not back.

Egypt: Do you stand up for what you believe in? How?Ummmm, I’m not sure I could say I’m that active in it. I once wrote a long, anonymous letter to the headteacher or my school wrt the treatment and education of lgbt people. Besides that? I havent dont much. I’d go to a protest if there was one nearby that I supported.

England: Are you controlling?That’s hard to answer? Because when things happen my initial instinct is to control them. But I’m a lot more chilled out than I used to be, and continuing to try to improve on it. So the amount of things I actively try to control are very slim. The issues lies more with my hatred of vague plans tbh 😂

Estonia: Do you think people often misunderstand you?I don’t open up to that many people, not really. Most the therapists I’ve seen have never got me at all. In terms of friends, some do get it, though it depends upon what specifically I’m trying to explain/show etc.

Finland: What do you prefer; kindness, sternness or apathy?Kindness, for sure. It’s nice to know other people might look out for you when you’re not necesarily in a place to look out for yourself. Sternness is just,, hard to communicate with and apathy can put me on edge.

France: How do you share love for those you care for?Most the time I just send them memes 😂 I try to make sure I’m honest and I don’t hold back with compliments. I also try to show then that I really am interested in them/their life, tho sometimes I worry I’m annoying them.

What is the hardest thing you have ever had to do?4 A levels whilst also juggling 3 jobs at one point.

Germany: Do you have a hard time forgiving yourself?I rarely forgive myself for something without outside help, and even then it isnt guaranteed

Ghana: What is your favourite sport?Basketball, its the only one I understand 😂

Greece: Do you let others help you when in need?I do sometimes tell my closest friends if I’m in a really bad patch and out of options. Although, I become more focused on making them feel helpful than actually being honest when I can’t believe them etc.

Hungary: Who is the person you trust the most?My closest friends probably. Although there are different kinds of trust, so it varies with what I’m trusting and who I go to etc.

Hutt River: What is the most memorable dream or nightmare you’ve had?I remember most of my dreams tbh, and for months too. Nightmares especially, but i wont share those bc theyre really horrific tbh. I had a dream a few months back that I died and went to heaven, that was nice. Like, it just felt so calm, I didnt want to wake up.

Hong Kong: Do you fear death?I dont so much fear death as fear excessive pain and suffering tbh. I’m okay with not knowing what, if anything, happens after we die.

Iceland: Do you hide your real personality? Why?Not reaaally 😂 when I’m with people I know and trust I can pretty much be myself. But different people bring out different parts of me.There is a small part I crush right down bc I hate it, but it might slowly be fading.

India: How important is family to you?Idk, I’ve never felt super close to a lot of my family. I just sort of seem to find my own family, and theyre hella important to me.

Japan: Tell us a secret about yourself.I dont have that many secrets????? At all??? And the ones I do have I don’t tell for a reason 😂 lets go with: i have 2 moles and a shoulder dimple that look like a blob fish.

Kenya: What is your favourite wild animal?I love so many of them?!?!?!?! I love capybaras but also elephants and also gorillas???

Korea: What is one thing you accomplished by yourself?Ah, I never do anything completely by myself 😂 Idk, managing to get to america on my own was pretty scary, but I did it.

Kugelmugel: Is there anyone you have a love hate relationship with?I mean according to my anxiety, everyone I love hates me 😂But erm, the only person who I can really think of is my old geography teacher. He was a legend and I loved him, but for sure he hated me.

Latvia: Do you believe you are brave?Eh, idk. I don’t think I’m a coward, but it would depend on the situation.

Ladonia: What is the internet site you visit most often?Tumblr. I cant deny it.

Liechtenstein: How do people underestimate you most often?I have no idea, they usually overestimate me, though I don’t pay much attention to peoples expectations 😂 I genuinly have no idea, maybe I should ask my friends or something

Lithuania: Do you desire power?My initial answer is no, I’m not that interested in being powerful on a large scale. But I guess there are different kinds of power? Like, it would be nice to have the power to change other peoples lives for the better. Or the power that comes with being in government, which has always been something I’ve been interested in.

Macau: What is your favourite festival or celebration?Halloween. Without a doubt.

Molossia: Do you consider yourself strong?I used to think I was strong, given some of the things I’ve been through. Now though I realise I just supressed all the emotions that came with them, which are all coming back, and honestly I’m a weak mess.

Monaco: Do you think you are a lucky person?No, not really. 😂 I mean, there might have been 100 times ive narrowly escaped death, but I wouldnt know it.

New Zealand: Would you rather be an elf, dwarf, hobbit or wizard?I’ve never seen lotr/the hobbit ngl so just based on what I know I’ll say wizard bc magic

North Italy: What is your least favourite part of your personality?All of it. Idk, jealousy. Awkwardness. Inability to make conversation. Just who I am as a person.

Norway: What was the most disappointing time in your life?Idk, Ive been disappointed a lot 😂 my dad let me down p bad once, though i dont really wanna share the deets

Netherlands: Most generous thing someone has ever done for you?My best friend bought me a necklace with “you are the light of my life” on it and I still can’t get over how cute that is 😄

Poland: Hardest thing you’ve been through?The thing that comes to mind was the longest and most stressful night of my life. I’d just broken up from school for summer that day and we had an estate agent coming to value the house the next day so we could move out of the Flood Zone. That evening it rained and rained and I ran around the village asking council people to help us but no one came so we stayed up till 2am pouring water from around the house into wheelie bins to try and stop it coming in. Then I had a breakdown in the bath and just remember feeling so trapped. I never want to go through that again.

Prussia: Would you prefer to live forever or die alone?Oooooh thats a tough one! Bc living forever would surely involve a lot of time alone. I think I’d hate it tbh, 80 years is enough for me 😂 but dying alone is like, my greatest fear tbh. So I’ll say live forever.

Roman Empire: How would you like to be remembered?Idk, just as a good person that maybe helped a few people out, I suppose. I mean, sure I’d love to find a cure for cancer and change the world etc but gotta be realistic

Romania: What is something you are very ashamed of?There are parts of my body I hate so much I’ve genuinly considered taking a knife to them myself. I also struggle to deal with the whole gender/sexuality thing, no matter how much people tell me its okay.

Russia: Have you ever suffered from low self esteem? Do you still?For sure, yeah. I really struggle to love myself in any way, it’s an alien concept to me and I’ve always been taught to keep my mouth shut about anything I actually do like.

Sealand: Who is your best friend?My bro @only-slightly-dangerous lmao

Seborga: What is your favourite beverage?I absolutely looove milkshakes (despite being lactose intollerant 🙄), especially oreo ones

Seychelles: How do you handle people being rude to you?Lmaooo I don’t 😂 if they say anything personal, I take it to heart. I might try to talk back but I’d just screw it up.

South Italy: What is your favourite part of your personality?Ummm, idk, I don’t really think about the words I could use to describe my personality? I guess I quite like my sense of humor. Idk.

Spain: What would you tell to the person or people you hurt most if you had a second chance?I don’t want to sound like,,, a twat,,, but I don’t really think I’ve ever really badly hurt someone (not knowingly or intentionally anyway). The only person I can think of is someone I cut off for being a bad friend… so I don’t really feel too bad about that.

Sweden: Are you a leader, follower or independent?Lmao all of the above, depending on the circumstances 😂 I don’t mind leading things and taking charge, Im quite good at being organised. But equally I don’t mind following other people if I agree with their plans. I also love being independent and doing things alone, bc it feels free and you don’t have to worry about anyone else.

Switzerland: Would you consider yourself evil, good or neutral?Good, I think. I try to be a good person. Sometimes my initial reaction or thoughts might not be good, but I always want to do the right thing.

Thailand: How good is your poker face?If I’m just pissing about, not great. I just laugh. But if I’m serious it’s pretty good, if I can say that 😂 I’m good at acting when I want to be.

Tibet: What do you value most?What?? As in a quality? Or objects?? Idk. People with good intentions, I’ll say that.

Taiwan: What do you think of the people or person who raised you?I have a lot of feelings towards them, not all of them good. I’d rather not talk/think about it rn though.

Turkey: Would you ever want children?Without a doubt, yeah. I’m not sure if I’d have my own or adopt, maybe both. I’m not that naturally maternal; I love kids but knowing how to talk/react to them doesnt come naturally. Im probs more of a dad 😂

Uganda: How would you like others to see you?I dont know???? Just as a kind and trustworthy person that genuinly cares and will always try my best to help when I can.

Ukraine: What is one thing that has made you stronger in life?I have no idea. I don’t feel like a very strong person at all. My life just feels like a long string of events I’ve had to cope with.

Vietnam: What is something you are proud of about yourself?I don’t really,,, feel pride 😂😂😂 like I honestly can’t think of a time I’ve felt like that. I guess I’m pleased I did well in my A levels? But even then I wouldnt say I’m proud.

Yemen: What kind of art do you like?Its hard to describe? I know it when I see it 😂 I’m not too bothered about portraits and paintings of dull landscapes, but equally some modern art is barely Art. I quite like paintings that are bright, or tell a story. I also like sculptures if theyre based on cool stuff like, the human body ooor dragons idk. Mosaics are p nice too

Zimbabwe: Who is your favourite character from any folklaw?I’m not sure I know many folklaws 😂 The person that comes to mind is rumplestiltskin, but I think thats only bc I love his chacter in Once Upon a Time

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