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call-of-ishmael · 2 months

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The Last Ishmael OCD Post

One of my first times that i dabbled into character analysis was about Ishmael's OCD, people like that post but i really feel i could have done better

Canto V was my last major chapter i was willing to read. As i put more distance between me and the story, i want one final farewell in the form of finally fixing up my analysis

PART I: THE META-TEXTUAL

Before i delve into the writing itself, here is some pointers the story gives to her OCD in the form of flavor text and descriptions.

Firstly we have her Bio

This is easy to miss as its just a tiny blurb above her whole intro blurb.

Now, "obsessive compulsive neurosis" is a very weird way to phrase it, "obsessive compulsive" is clear enough but "neurosis" is odd, this is not TOO odd though, as "neurotic" used to be how OCD was classified as a disorder.

However if we look at her bio in Korean, the particulars do simply straight up say "OCD" very clearly, you'd need to MTL but this was also confirmed to me by a friend from SK

The sinner bios are biased though, and are written through a very corporate lens, so lets see if there's any other pointers elsewhere

Her base EGO, Snagharpoon, actually does just that

Her passives name is called "Compulsion" and in its gameplay design its a very interesting way to also point to it

Ishmael is a very all or nothing person, you do it well or you don't do it at all, and this is reflected on how this passive aids you to play

This passive is excellent for boosting the consistency of playing by only going for "Favored" or "Dominating" clashes, while punishing you for taking chances on clashes you MIGHT win

Base ID Ishmael is also a unit with all single coins, rolling tails puts her in a very unfavorable position so this also adds an extra safety net on top. Worth noting being all single coins is also a high risk high reward type of play style.

Finally we see two more pointers id like to note, both from Canto V

The Compulsive`s Knot, an ego gift themed after a naval rope, one of many in the dungeon all alluding to her struggles.

Most obviously though

Her exclusive status effect, Compulsion. This is in direct reference to her EGO passive, providing an attack boost at the same time it provides a drawback in the form of low SP.

We are gonna talk a bit more about this passive since it ties into another gameplay oriented way to point towards her OCD

During the story dungeon we have an event where a noise is heard, you are given two choices, check, gain SP, don't check, lose SP.

Compulsive checking is probably the most well known (to the conditions detriment we will talk about it later) hallmark of OCD

Notably, this doesn't aid Ishmael, while checking can avoid the combat encounter, not checking only has a chance of triggering it, and most interestingly, her SP will always start at -25 during combat encounters. Meaning the temporary boost in her sanity will just get reset next battle, should you decide to check. Checking wont satisfy her anxiety for more than a brief moment.

Lastly the most obvious ones are all the references to Obsession. These are so abundant i feel if you are familiar with the Canto its redundant to have them, i wanted to draw more attention to the allusions to compulsion, as they are less common.

PART II: BEFORE THE STORM

Even since before her own Canto, we can see Ishmael's ruminating and anxious tendencies pop up during previous chapters, which for OCD is important to explore as OCD is an anxious and ruminating disorder.

So lets talk a little bit about OCD! Its a disorder characterized by repetitive and constant intrusive urges to perform a task or a thought (lets keep this in mind for later)

These thoughts or actions are used to try to relieve stress from an anxiety inducing thought or situation. The most common example is OCD exacerbating germ phobia, and causing people who have it to wash their hands in excess.

While OCD is usually described as "irrational thoughts" i feel that's a pretty limited way to view it in my own experience with it. OCD compulsions and thoughts can be informed by very real worries, the worry of getting sick, of making the wrong moral choices, of hurting others. Being clean is a normal and a good practice to stave off getting sick, its the frequency and intensity that turns it maladaptive, OCD turns your own lived fears and traumas against you, and those might very well be real things to worry about, which makes dealing with it very hard.

Enough of that off to the writing!

Lets start with Canto II

This is the first example of her constant need for a lack of ambiguity, previous to this we see her complain about the treatment the sinners are receiving from Effie and Saude, skeptical of the whole deal.

Until shes shown the plans, they are so well crafted shes able to anchor to that and calm down.

This by itself is not really much other than being very detail oriented, lets look a bit further into the chapter

Here we see that aspect elaborated upon more, this moment is framed as a very important one between Dante and Ishmael in their dynamic later on, Ishmael is incredibly upset at the plan having fallen apart so quickly, while yes this is not unreasonable to be upset at, her anger is remarked on by Dante and Gregor as very intense and unusual. This in my opinion is a minor but clear indication her need for planning and considering every option is due to a deep anxiety, but don't take it from me, lets look at Canto III

Here we are told pretty explicitly, Ishmael moving quickly and asking lots of questions is something Dante has noted as an anxious habit.

And here we have more elaboration on what exactly that moment at the Casino meant for Ishmael, it was enough anger and disappointment she has stopped expecting Dante to perform well and instead taken it upon herself to see things go according to plan, this is VERY important to her.

And her worries, are repetitive enough to annoy others, and to be remarked upon by Dante.

This is perhaps the more notable chain of events to point out previous to her chapters aside from 4.5, as it helps contextualize all her usual ways of acting in a more complete light, showing a lot of this is driven by a deep anxiety

And this all makes S.E.A all the more interesting as it pays off on this.

Something i quite enjoy about Limbus is how it re-contextualizes things characters have previously done and said. And the events of S.E.A and Canto V bring a lot of interesting stuff to the table

Lets get cracking with this chapter

In general shes extremely confrontational, and tense, more than usual

But its her anxious outbursts i wanna focus on, what she puts

emphasis on.

This chapter is so crucial in this whole analysis. We see some behaviors way more clearly now, firstly we see her emphasize her need to be absolutely 100% prepared for this, no ambiguity no risks she wants certainty.

But we see something even more clearly and that's her ruminating behaviors, shes brought up things like this to a smaller extent before like commenting on a lot of aspects but here we see in full display her inner world become externalized, shes started voicing worries shes never voiced before can Dante turn them back always? What if Dante dies? What if the sinners get eaten can that be turned back?

And these don't all get brought up immediately, she mentions them in different conversations, pointing to the fact shes constantly going over the subject in her head with no pause, and she gets frustrated when she cannot work on these worries when she cant do anything to quell the anxiety.

And the last part, when Dante finds her so fixated in her planning its impossible to even talk to her. She has to perform some action do something to stave off the disaster she can see coming in her head

As someone with OCD inevitably i have to mention the personal component that drew me to analyze this was how real this feels to when you spiral

A lot of the times OCD is explained as the compulsions being something you do cause you feel its a sort of ritual to stave off disaster. Its in this way i see it reflected in this moment.

As we see with Heathcliff acting as her foil, he points out her worrying is really not doing much other than just her talking and talking, and by the state shes in when Dante checks in on her, aimless not even paying attention to anything else we see the main objective of the planning really isn't practical as much as a compulsive coping mechanism.

She has to do something

PART III: INTO THE DARK

Lots to cover and honestly i will make a companion post to this with all the examples, so for this section i wanna cover some highlights instead, as well as a general discussion of the tone.

The way this chapter is structured is very interesting, its really reflective of the mental state of Ishmael. The chapter feels really aimless, they wander around not really ever finding what they need, which drives Ishmael more and more tense and frustrate

Its a good continuation to how we see her by the end of S.E.A fixated on one goal one thing

As previously stated shes inflicted with a constant special and unique to her status effect called "Compulsion" as covered in Part I

Her behavior is also reflective of this

For a good part of the first third of the chapter shes in her room, the whole time whetting her harpoon, nonstop

However you might notice compulsion is not as present as obsession, and compulsion is also important to OCD its in the acronym! And i have seen others point to it too

However id like you to remember, in the post earlier i said thoughts can fit into OCD, compulsions can be mental and sometimes almost exclusively or mostly mental. Its even in the DSM noted that for diagnosis the compulsions to count you for a diagnosis can be mental in nature

Its in this aspect that i feel Ishmael shines a lot

In general OCD in media is lacking in representation and is often a trait given to assholes or villains

The normal conception of OCD in movies or TV is of neat freaks or control freaks, Compulsion is usually heavily emphasized when it isn't the whole picture

Often ignored though is the aspect of Obsession, some people can have Purely Obsessional OCD (Pure O), this isn't a formal diagnosis or term but its colloquially used by people who have it. Its a bit of a misnomer, as compulsions are present but internalized as mental rituals or rumination

Usually its harder to diagnose, its harder to treat as there's no apparent compulsions others can see, and the people having it seem pretty high functioning to the people around them.

This can be noticed though in people avoiding certain subjects, avoidant behaviors can be the clearest external behavior.

I personally read Ishmael as having more mental compulsions, the way she tends to be a more ruminating and anxious character than outwardly compulsive

During S.E.A and Canto V we see outward compulsions more but from the examples from previous Cantos we can see that's not her usual and she operates more on anxious overthinking most of the time.

However another aspect that ties into mental compulsions is in the previously mentioned avoidant behaviors, we see her isolate and try to stave of having to deal with her worries in both S.E.A and the beginning of Canto V when shes in her room, in both cases doing some excessive preparation in a compulsive way.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

As previously stated Canto V deserves its own companion post, and ill work on that later, i feel this encapsulates what i wanted to say well enough.

I wanted to discuss the previous signs of her behaviors that make me certain her OCD is an intended textual read, and in my opinion a well executed one

Canto V was hard to read as it felt very real and very familiar to the worst times i have had due to my OCD.

Shes a character that despite my distaste i have developed for the franchise, it will never stop meaning a lot to me same as her chapter will always be a piece of storytelling that affected me deeply in ways others haven't

To close i want to leave off what i feel encapsulates the feeling pretty well, in my favorite moment with the membrane consuming her as a metaphor for letting fear, anger, obsessions and compulsions cloud your mind until you forget why you were even there

To you, dear reader, Bon Voyage

#ishmael lcb #ishmael limbus company #project moon #lcb ishmael #canto V #canto v spoilers #limbus company #lcb

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happyk44 · 3 months

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Mentioned this to a friend the other day but in the landscape of "your godly parent makes you more susceptible to developing X disorder, or, at the very least, significant traits of it", I was looking at OCPD and the Zeus/Jupiter kids.

"Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder is characterised by a pervasive preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and control (with no room for flexibility) that ultimately slows or interferes with completing a task. Patients with OCPD need to be in control, this, they tend to be solitary in their endeavours and to mistrust the help of others."

This fits the aspect of Zeus/Jupiter being the god of law and order. According to the DSM-5, OCPD is determined through a persistent pattern of preoccupation with order, perfectionism, and control of self, others and situations. This pattern is show by at least 4 or more of the following:

Preoccupation with details rules, schedules, organization, and lists

A striving to do something perfectly that interfere with completion of the task

Excessive devotion to work and productivity (not due to financial necessity), resulting in neglect of leisure activities and relationships

Excessive conscientiousness, fastidiousness, and inflexibility regarding ethical and moral issues and values

Unwillingness to throw out worn-out or worthless objects, even those with little to no sentimental value

Reluctance to delegate or work with other people unless those people agree to do things exactly as the patient wants

A miserly approach to spending for themselves and others because they see money as something to be he saved for future disasters

Rigidity and stubbornness

There's also a good deal of traits that overlap with Autism as well - which I HC Jason to have. See the Venn diagram below:

Read the full article here.

[ID: A Venn diagram showing the differences and overlap between Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder and Autism. It is titled Misdiagnosis Monday.

The section relating only to the symptoms of OCPD lists:

Fundamental Nature: Fundamentally, OCPD is about guarding against vulnerability, with perfectionism and control shielding against shame and the fear of losing control

Excessive Devotion to Productivity: Need to be productive and difficulty relaxing or engaging in unproductive tasks

Overwhelming Need for Orderliness and Perfectionism: The drive for perfection, order, and control often leads to challenges in task completion, difficulty in delegating, and personal strain and struggle

Distressing Perfectionism: Perfectionism leads to significant personal distress - impacting emotional well-being and personal relationships, frequently resulting in emotional turmoil

Benefits from psychological treatment that address core schemas and wounds

The section relating to symptoms that overlap between OCPD and Autism lists:

High need for predictability and routine

Strict adherence to rituals, routine, and order

Indecision and task paralysis

All-or-nothing thinking patterns

Intellectualizing/emotionally guarded

Value-driven and unwavering adherence to moral or ethical codes

Preoccupation with details, rules, lists, and organization

The section relating only to the symptoms of Autism lists:

Fundamental Nature: Autism is a distinct neurotype with its unique nervous serious and brain processing style, presenting a different yet equally valuable perspective on the world

Monotropism and Special Interests: Characterized by an intensely passionate focus on specific interests, reflecting a distinct attention style that typically is joy-filled

Sensory Diversity: From hypersensitivity to under-sensitivity, including unique interoceptive awareness

Autistic Brain Style: Detail-focused, bottom-up processing, and concrete thinking - the autistic Brain navigates the world throw the repetition and structured routines

Autistic Communication Patterns: Distinct Autistic communication favouring directness, depth, and concrete language use

Benefits from tailored support and treatment for any co-occurring mental health conditions

/end ID]

The fear of losing control is something I relate to with Zeus/Jupiter. I imagine he's very paranoid about being overthrown, and gets easily stressed out when other people try to take over a situation. It might be weird to consider him as an anxious person, but, you know, what other kind of person would eat a woman because a prophecy said she would give birth to a son that would overthrow him. 🤷‍♂️

Also, personally when I think of the Big Six's childhood and the Titan war, I imagine him as having very specific ideas of his siblings before they were thrown up. The fact that they ended up being very little like his imagination and don't respect him as their future king furthers this stress and anxiety, since, as the older siblings, they do have more of a claim to the throne he was promised in return for defeating their father.

(I've written about this a bit before, check out the "happy talks greek mythos" tag if you wanna look)

OCPD is a cluster C diagnosis. Cluster C personality disorders are labelled as anxious and fearful. Similarly OCD a specific type of anxiety disorder. I think a lot of people conflate the two by accident. A lot of depictions or jokes about OCD relate to the perfectionism and needing things to be orderly which is more of an OCPD thing.

The IOCDF has a fact sheet on OCPD you can review for further information on the differences between the two. Click the related disorders tab to locate the pdf.

OCPD also differs from OCD in that people with OCD have a self-awareness. They know their thoughts are unreasonable, irrational, and/or unwanted, where people with OCPD typically believe their way is the right (and only) way, and do not respond well when people don't adhere to their self-imposed system of rules. Which, again, befits my headcanon that children of Zeus/Jupiter develop various rules and/or routines for how the world (should) work and struggle with not inflicting "justice" on people who break those rules, no matter how minor.

For example, I headcanon Zeus to have a thing about cups. Different types have different purposes. Don't use a wine glass for water, etc, etc. To any other person, it would be a "kinda weird but whatever" if you passed them a wine glass filled with ice tea, but he'd freak the fuck out because that's not what it's for! And then, depending on his mood, either lecture you about it or kill you.

(Fun fact: In the early stages of the whole Titan War, let's try to kill our dad and other relatives thing, Hestia tried pottery during some rare downtime and made everyone a cup! They had no handles and were improperly made because she spent most of her life in a stomach. Zeus gritted his teeth and said, "Thank you, I love it" while internally his brain was on fire, and he wanted to strangle her and break everyone's cups, because it's not a fucking cup. He loves her so much, everyone's favourite sister and all, but dear stars above, he wanted to kill her so bad for this major infraction)

So, lol, yeah. I think Zeus has a lot of neurotic tendencies that he passes down to his kids. There's also the whole "you're a child of Zeus/Jupiter, you're the leader now" thing that demands them to be perfect beyond reason, which could propel the development of OCPD, or some of its traits.

I also HC that one of the powers the kids may have is the ability to force people to follow/believe in the same system of rules that they do. Helpful in battle when you're faced against more enemies than you can handle. Less helpful when it's just you and your buddies and you think them drinking iced tea out of wine glass is incorrect and despicable.

Anyway, these days I'm kicking my legs up over personality disorders, lol, but hey, if anyone has any disorders, personality or not, they think may fit a specific set of demigods, hit me up! I'd love to look into it. So far I have:

Neptune = Schizoid Personality Disorder (based on the idea that PJO's Neptune represents the emotionless and uncaring sea);

Poseidon = Borderline Personality Disorder (based on the idea that PJO's Poseidon represents the emotional and volatile sea);

Ares = Intermittent Explosive Disorder (haven't discussed it before but if you look into it, it's fairly self-explanatory - does not necessarily apply to children of Mars as Mars is more disciplined than Ares, though I think both sets of kids likely have a high propensity for anger issues);

Zeus/Jupiter = OCPD (as discussed above) and Autism (mostly because of my Jason is autistic HC, which I'm sure I've discussed it in some detail before as well)

#happy talks pjo #obsessive compulsive personality disorder #ocpd #jason grace #zeus (pjo)#also if you have ocpd and like pjo feel free to hmu if you have thoughts on what ive written 👍 would be happy to hear your ideas

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scribbleseas · 9 months

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Beyond the Walls, Chapter 2: Mother Nature

Description: It's the year 850.

You are a renowned scientist who narrowly saved the world from impending famine and malnourishment with a myriad of agricultural advancements after Wall Maria fell, surrendering acres of farmland to titans. However, your innovations are not quite enough to be a permanent solution, given that their yield rate is nowhere near ideal. Many are still starving, costs for bread and vegetables are still high, and refugee rations remain low

Convinced that the only sustainable answers can come from the natural world outside the walls, you implore Survey Corps Commander Erwin Smith to allow you to join his company’s ranks for their next expedition. His only condition? You must be trained in omni-directional mobility gear under Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, Captain Levi Ackerman, to qualify for the expedition as a soldier. Despite having no demonstrated prowess outside your trusty greenhouse, you willingly accept Erwin’s terms, desperate to prove your hypothesis. However, during your time with the Captain, you soon learn that there is more to the stoic and strong soldier that meets the eye, and instead, you have much more in common that you would have guessed. Not even you, a certified genius in the horticulture field, could predict the blossoming romance between you.

Is your commitment to saving humanity enough for you to endure extensive training under the scrutinizing Captain? Or will it be your unexpected feelings for him that ultimately distract you from your original experiment?

Content Warnings: Violence, gore, death, swearing, eventual kissing, eventual smut, human-eating titans, symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder

Author’s Note: Hi Everyone! This was sooooo overdue. That being said, though, please let me know how you feel about this one! Believe it or not, this is only my third time writing Captain Levi. I really hope he’s in character for you all. I’m probably going to try to post the next chapter of Straight Laced next, but since I started the Fall Semester at my university, I can’t give you a date estimate. Shit happens, unfortunately.

Another announcement, I know I said I was going to post a poll about my next Ciel story, but I actually the next one myself lol. But on the bright side, I know you’ll all like it.

Thank you so so much for reading and staying patient with my terrible date estimates. (I know I originally said September 3rd for this one…)

Well, as always, Happy Reading!

- Dan

“I can’t even begin to tell you how jazzed I was when Erwin said you’d be joining us,” Section Commander Hange Zoë’s grin was nothing but radiant, alight with hope. Their hand rested on your forearm amicably as you walked through the Survey Corps’ Headquarters.

You and Hange were correspondents long before you started your first aeroponics prototype, about a decade ago. Hange was your colleague, watching your hypothesis about landless planting develop with rapt fascination. You studied together up until the moment they decided to join the Survey Corps and focus their scientific genius on understanding titans. Meanwhile, you decided to continue your studies, pursuing a certification as a medic and a focus on agronomy, the study and practice of soil and crop management.

Even with the distance between your respective research, you kept well in touch. It was Hange’s frantic encouragement that inspired you to make your direct appeal to Erwin Smith. They referred to the Commander as a visionary before you ever had.

Hange had met you at the main entrance and insisted that they were your tour guide for the day. At the same time, a team of cadets started to move your belongings, deaf to your protests. While most of your belongings were equipment for the greenhouse and your experiments, rather than personal items, there were still a great deal of heavy boxes that needed moving. You felt sorry for the cadets tasked with the activity— especially in this heat— but Hange seemed to think little of it, telling you to let the young kids get their energy out.

They said it as if the two of you were approaching your fifties, rather than your thirties.

The corner of your lips pulled upwards in an answering half-smile. “I know. I’ve missed you,” you admitted, taking in the expansive halls. The headquarters was an old regal castle in the countryside, the hallways lined with large windows that allowed the summer sun to stream in. Despite the antiquated architecture, the premises seemed to be extremely well taken care of, there was no hint of dust, nor one blade of unruly grass. In fact, it was so picturesque, that you suspected that no onlooker would think to assume it was a military headquarters and instead, assume it was a wealthy residence.

“Well, Y/n, as did I. That’s why I made sure Erwin made me your tour guide,” Hange exclaimed. “There are a few places I want to show you, some people I want you to meet…come this way!”

You walked with Hange obediently, content with following them around the base. The tour started with your private quarters (the cadets left all of your boxes on the floor next to your bed), continued to the base’s training areas, Hange’s office, your new greenhouse, and ended with the mess hall. As you walked, you shared greeting nods with soldiers who passed you around the base. Few people stopped to exchange words with you, sensing that you and Hange were in the middle of touring. Erwin likely debriefed his forces prior to your arrival, anyway.

The mess hall was abuzz with soldiers in decently high spirits, much to your surprise. There was a monotone chatter around the room as soldiers ate their breakfast.

The Survey Corps served their meals cafeteria-style, the lines at the far side of the room long as everyone waited for their lightly salted oatmeal and a singular slice of bread. As you suspected, there wasn’t a piece of fruit or a vegetable in sight because the military insisted its men sacrificed their diets alongside their lives. While you doubted you could produce enough vegetation to give everyone a nutritional boost in such little time, some change was better than no change. The tables of soldiers you passed continued to track your movements with evident curiosity, sizing you up— wondering whether or not you were as great as your reputation imagined you were.

“Levi Squad, Miche, Moblit, this is my dear friend Y/n Y/l/n,” Hange announced proudly, stopping at a long table towards the far side of the mess hall— the furthest away from the line of hungry scouts. Populating the table were a number of men and one woman, each regarding you with varying levels of interest.

“Y/n, this is the Levi Squad,” Hange gestured to the group of six soldiers— the Levi Squad consisted of soldiers Petra Ral, Oluo Bozado, Eld Gin, and Gunther Shultz. Miche Zacharius and Moblit Berner were also distinguished Survey Corps members; Miche was one of Hange’s fellow section commanders and Moblit was their research assistant. You were never one to enter a situation unprepared, so you took the liberty of reading through the Survey Corps’ major players. “Levi Squad: meet Y/n!”

“I’m Petra. It’s great to meet you,” Petra spoke first, quickly rising from her seat to give your hand a professional shake. “We’ve been reading about some of your work…not that we understand the technicalities of it, but…” she laughed, “for curiosity's sake, we try. We could never do what you do.”

I’m not sure I know how I do what I do, either, you wanted to admit. Your pride forced you to swallow the words down like a dry cracker.

“The pleasure’s mine,” you responded, reciprocating the shake and the same greeting with Gunther and Eld.

“You both can sit next to me,” Petra offered, shifting to the end of the bench. Hange took the seat directly next to Petra. You took a seat between the section commander and the tall soldier you knew to be Miche.

“Honestly, I don’t know how I’ll do what you all--” you started, cutting yourself off with a start as Miche took a long inhale, sniffing near the side of your neck. You hummed curiously, but he made no attempt to explain himself. Instead, Miche nodded to himself and turned his attention back to his breakfast. The questioning look you sent to Hange went mostly ignored. They seemed more interested in the thin bread portion on Petra’s plate, suggesting Miche’s sniffing habit was an idiosyncrasy of his that was to be expected.

Oluo shook his head, unimpressed with your comment. He took a long drink out of a teacup, making no effort to shake your hand and introduce himself properly. “I, for one, have no idea why the Commander thinks you can become a soldier in only two months or less. You’ll be titan chow mere minutes after we—“

“That won’t happen because she’ll be riding with us,” Petra interjected pointedly before turning her attention back to you, her smile apologetic. “Ignore him. He thinks he’s the Captain,” she rolled her amber eyes, cuing you into her joke.

“Speaking of Levi… where is he?” Hange asked, taking the opportunity to change the subject from your potential demise to the whereabouts of the absent Captain. Their ponderous expression suggested that Levi was rarely late to anything. From what little information you were about to glean about him— his superhuman battle prowess, neatly groomed appearance, and stern expression to match — you imagined that the man was also quite punctual.

“Running late from his tea pick up,” Gunther answered, causing the group to share identical looks of worry and frustration. (Save for Oluo, he merely tutted and shook his head dismissively.)

“You know what that means,” Eld said, his thin lips pulling into a grim expression.

Sensing your confusion, Hange started to answer. “It means they don’t have his— oh no,” Hange fell silent at the sight of the Captain quickly making his way towards the table. Despite being a handful of inches shorter than most of the soldiers around him, all standing scouts parted out of his way, eyes diverting from his stoic gaze. The way they scurried out of the way reminded you of anxious prey.

“We should tread carefully, you guys,” Petra suggested, “he’s empty handed.” She sent a warning look towards Oluo, who merely shook his head in response, his hazel eyes rolling. They acted like a married couple— an intimacy that only came from fighting at one another’s sides for years. It was strangely heartwarming that they were able to stay with one another for so long.

“Morning, Levi!” Hange cheered, standing to greet him properly. They clapped him on the back, only to remove their hand in response to his continued silence and pointed glare. “Guess who’s sitting with us today?” they asked rhetorically, “Doctor Y/l/n! She just came this morning.”

You rose from your seat, unsure of how to proceed. Levi didn’t seem particularly interested in introducing himself to you. Instead, he regarded you, likely hypothesizing whether or not you could handle two months of intensive training under him and come out of it with maneuvering reliable enough to save your life. He was calculating any semblance of a chance you had at staying alive and carrying out your research.

“You can call me Y/n,” you decided, extending your hand to him with a tentative smile. Levi made no attempt to return the expression, much less take you. Instead, he regarded the remnants of dirt on your palm, left behind after you took a soil sample from the front of the base upon your arrival— and hesitated. None of the soldiers seemed to mind, given that it was such a minimal shadow left from the soil.

In fact, you doubted they noticed at all.

You made a quick attempt to run your palm over your light green skirts, the linen material light enough for you to remain cool in the hot summer. You chuckled apologetically, “I took a sample from your soil here. To see if it needs any additional nutrients before I use it for my vertical trestles,” you explained, doubting he would understand what you were referring to. Your vertical trestles were long stands with dozens of small engravings to house plants. The beauty of your aeroponics system was that it could grow plants without needing a constant supply of water. All they needed was nutrient-dense soil, sprays of (nutrient-dense, of course) water every few days, and consistent sunlight.

“It’s fine,” the Captain replied, his grave tone insinuating that it was anything but. Still, his calloused hand wrapped around yours, his palm surprisingly cold. His grip was firm and sure. “Given your line of work, you’re bound to drag filth around with you, Mother Nature.”

The derisive nickname caused your back to stiffen as your hand fell back to your side. You frowned, unsure of whether or not he was teasing you with it. But there was no sign of mockery in his face— only mild frustration and inconvenience.

“Training is at noon. Don’t keep me waiting,” Levi ordered, turning swiftly on the heel of his boot to make his leave. He ignored Petra’s dismayed calls, asking where he was going and why he was skipping the meal.

Hange noticed your expression as you reclaimed your seat. “It’s nothing personal. He’s always that grumpy.”

“Especially after that tea store under-watered the flowers again. The ones they need to make his black tea,” Petra sighed. You cringed, thinking about the type of lunacy that would drive someone to over-water camellia sinensis twice.

“And I need to train with him later?” You asked, now mildly concerned for your well-being along with that plant. Commander Erwin said Levi was their best soldier, Humanity’s Strongest. But he didn’t specify whether or not Levi was their best teacher. Was there truly no one else to take on that burden? Someone nicer?

“You might think we’d have someone a bit more…patient, but no,” Petra said as if she read your mind. “All of us,” she nodded to the rest of the group with her chin, her red hair bobbing at the gesture, “need to be focused on Eren while Hange works with him. The other section commanders have to prepare our new cadets. That leaves, well, the Captain, as the most qualified to show you the ropes,” the more Petra explained Erwin’s decision, the tighter the knot in your stomach felt. All of Levi’s elite squad had to make sure Eren’s titan didn’t go berserk and ravage the military branch while their leader helped you, a full-time scientist, master notoriously complex equipment.

“But you can do it!” Hange cheered. “If anyone I know can become a member of the scouts in exactly six weeks, it’s you!”

It was true. If Levi was Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, and the Eren Yeager kid was Humanity’s Last Hope, you were one of Humanity’s only obstacles standing between it and famine, which was just as dire. There was no reason to defeat the titans if most of the population was going to be malnourished and on the brink of starvation-caused extinction. Not to mention, it was too ironic: the titans are defeated only for their former prey to go extinct due to lack of food.

You couldn’t watch that happen when you were so sure it was preventable.

. . .

You had a doctorate in agronomy, a degree in horticulture, and a certification in medical care. And even after those years of hard schooling, long essays, and seemingly endless research projects, you still managed to suffer the worst of equipment malfunctions at the worst possible timing.

But to be fair, who invented this gear?

The idea of omni-directional mobility gear was to make humans as swiftly airborne as possible, giving them the ability to evade a titan’s jaws and provide lethal proximity to their vulnerable napes in milliseconds. However, human facilities were much more delicate than a titan’s— it didn’t take a doctor like you to understand that. To endure high-speed movement and mid-air contortion, the stress would need to be evenly distributed across the body at all times. That was why limp leather straps were dangling from various parts of your legs and torso while you desperately tried to buckle them in their rightful places.

Hange demonstrated the process for you about three times before they left to work with the titan shifter, swearing that you would at least survive the first session with Levi. Now you were standing alone, using one of the many benches to the slide of the big green field where new scouts stretched with their section commanders, as leverage while you tried to buckle the gas exhaust around your lower back.

Several starstruck scouts attempted to ask you if you needed a hand, but your pride refused. You were an academic. You were having issues with…leather straps. Not only that, you couldn’t, in good conscience, let teenagers help you buckle your uniform.

“Do you honestly think your equipment is going to hold you up like that, Mother Nature?” The Captain’s harsh voice asked, causing you to sheepishly turn to look at him, your cheeks reddening. Thankfully, they were already rather flushed from the heat.

“I don’t understand how you all put this on so quickly,” you explained, gesturing to the pieces of uniform that you managed to construct. “It’s like a puzzle…” you mumbled before your face lit up with relief.

“Oh--- there it is.” The buckle slipped through one of the adjustment holes, letting you pull the equipment around your abdomen snuggly. While you weren’t quite sure if this was the proper adjustment, you couldn’t help but nurse your satisfaction while you could. The compressed gas from the exhaust powered the wiring mechanism that worked like a grappling hook: the anchors on the edges of the wires were supposed to dig into any possible service and maintain your weight.

“The section commander was supposed to show you,” Captain Levi said.

“They had to run. Time-sensitive experiment with Eren. Something about sleep deprivation’s impact on titan shifting… It’s really fine, I know how important it is to be meticulous with your experiments’ timing. Maintaining consistent variables and all…” you were rambling. You cringed at yourself— your lack of social competence. But in all fairness, you spent most of your formative years in a laboratory, or your nose buried so deep within the pages of a book, that you could distinguish your textbooks from scent alone. Nothing— out of your vast libraries of literary knowledge— covered how to speak to a soldier of unimaginable strength (and with impossibly azure eyes to match.) It was no wonder the hottest part of a flame was its innermost blue.

“Sounds like Hange,” Levi said noncommittally, but he didn’t seem angry. That told you he was more than accustomed to the scientist’s effervescent (and extremely capricious) nature. It suggested he expected it, at this point. Anyone close to Hange knew to expect some turbulence, at some point. You were relieved Hange managed to find someone in the Survey Corps to grow close to. They deserved it, and it seemed Levi could use Hange’s enigmatic scheming in his life.

“Can you please just…” you looked at the equipment meaningfully. You managed to complete all of the straps that were a bit too personal to ask of him, but there were a few that ran behind your back and attached to said buckles that you couldn’t figure out how to stabilize without a mirror.

“I’m required to double check your equipment -- whether or not you proved incompetent with putting it on. You’re still a newbie, Plant Lady,” Levi said, already fixing the strap that fastened your gas exhaust-- the one you just fixed!

You huffed, dismayed by both your apparent failure and the new nickname. “I was growing attached to Mother Nature,” you smarted.

“Just give me your right gearbox, and we might just manage to start training on time,” Levi ignored your quip.

. . .

You were a puppet suspended in mid-air, only you weren’t lifeless, and somewhat in control of your facilities.

Every muscle in your body pleaded for help as you remained motionless, yet suspended in the air. Apparently, this was the first physical test the military put its cadets through. If you couldn’t strike a near-natural balance with the omni-directional mobility gear, then you were cut— sent to the fields to help with the harvest. Apparently, it would work the same for you. If you couldn’t exhibit the necessary physical prowess on your first day, what was the sense in the Survey Corps investing its time and resources into you?

You could feel sweat rolling down your neck, tracing an uncomfortable line down your back as you trembled with effort. You weren’t even wearing the full equipment. While Levi initially showed you how to put the whole ensemble together, you didn’t need all of it for your first day of training. All you currently were wearing was the various leather straps around your legs and feet, and the main belt around your waist that would have connected your gas exhaust and both gearboxes. According to your reading, those gearboxes held extra blades and gas canisters. Attached to those gearboxes were wooden handles that connected to the blades and anchors soldiers plunged into structures in order to move.

Your arms wanted to reach out and grab something, anything, to hold onto, but there was nothing in proximity. There were only two long bars that supported you on either side as if you were a swing.

You tried to keep your gaze ahead of you, knowing that looking at the distance between your boot soles and the grass was too far for your liking. In fact, the thought of your elevation caused you to shudder, causing your body to sway. You weren’t proud of it, but you couldn’t suppress your worried shriek as your gaze slipped unintentionally downwards.

“Easy there. The more you panic, the less control you have. Put the most power into your core so your back straightens,” Levi watched you, observing your quivering body— in part from the physical strain that came with holding your back straight and core strong, but equally, your fear.

“Like…this?” You managed through gritted teeth. You blinked rapidly to try to keep the drops of sweat that cascaded from your hairline and past your eyebrows away from your eyes. “What if I-I….can’t do this any longer?” you asked, trying to come up with an estimate of how long you were balancing. Seven minutes? Eight minutes? The Idle Suspension Exercise was a minimum of ten straight minutes of steady balancing, excluding any time you spent thrashing.

“Oh, you can just stop and---” the female scout to your side started to answer, only for the Captain to silence her with a single glance. Levi tasked her with turning the lever that hoisted you up and back down. “Nevermind,” she chuckled awkwardly, looking down at her muddy uniform boots.

“Why did you tell Erwin you’d master this gear in two months when you knew you had basic stamina issues?” He asked flatly. There was a dichotomy between the Captain's blunt way of speaking and the way he regarded you closely-- curious to see if you could hold yourself up for a short while longer, or if you’d collapse. The tersely restrained energy in his physique suggested he was ready to spring into action if he so much as suspected the latter was about to occur. “Seems irresponsible, for a doctor.”

“I don’t have-- basic-- stamina--- issues!” You managed through labored breaths. He was essentially superhuman. He had no right to insinuate you had basic stamina issues when he’s had somewhere near a decade and a half to develop his skills in the Survey Corps. Compared to your single day, or half hour, of training rather. “And I’m not irresponsible!”

“I’ve seen first-day cadets perform better,” Levi’s arms crossed in front of his chest, his body relaxing. “Are you sure you gave this decision all of the thought it required, Mother Nature?”

“What?” Your head tilted indignantly, your eyes widening to immediately question the Captain’s words. Was he making fun of you? Questioning your sense of rational thinking?

If you weren’t previously motivated to finish the exercise before, now you were deadset.

“Not everyone has what it takes to be a soldier,” Levi explained, unwithering against your enraged scowl.

“Some people are just more suited tending to flowers in a greenhouse than a battlefield. But I would say your attempt is…commendable,” he said. “Start letting her down, Sam,” Levi instructed the redheaded scout.

Your blood boiled, and it was from more than just the sun beating down on you.

“Don’t you dare, Sam!” You demanded with an intensity you normally reserved for those goading you like the Captain, but you couldn’t control your tone during such immense physical and emotional stress. “I will finish this!” Now you had to.

Sam’s eyebrows drew together as she hummed uncertainty, trying to decide whether she should obey the Captain when you were so clearly invested in beating the challenge. Her hand sat on the lever’s handle, unmoving. So she was going to listen to you.

She sent a resolute nod to you.

You’d dealt with numerous characters like Levi Ackerman. Stingy and sexist government officials and nobles who doubted your projects could produce anything of real scientific value…soldiers who didn’t want their wounds stitched up by someone they assumed was incompetent, based on the way you looked. Infuriated nobles who would threaten your life for making produce and food items more accessible when they’d been making fortunes by price gouging them.

“Let me finish this, Captain,” you snapped, “I can do it!”

“You already did,” Levi responded, taking a quick look at his watch. “You just passed twelve minutes. Let her down, now.”

Before you could process what was happening, Sam obeyed, turning the lever around to set you back down on the ground. The second the bottoms of your boots reached the ground, your legs buckled, threatening to fully give into your weight. If you didn’t reach for the stand to your side, you probably would’ve fallen to the ground.

“You…did that…on purpose…didn’t you…” you panted to catch your breath once again, surprised you could string a coherent sentence together. You used the back of your hand to wipe sweat from your hairline and the rest of your face. You cringed at the pool of sweat that transferred from your skin, still hesitant to believe that you truly managed to go over the minimum requirement.

Because of Levi’s strategically-placed hostility.

“Maybe,” Levi replied, something akin to reluctant respect on his face. “You’re dismissed for the day. “Meet me back here, same time tomorrow.”

“You’ll tell Commander Erwin I passed?” you asked hopefully, looking for your due praise--- even though it was obvious Levi wasn’t the type to commend his soldiers for a job well done.

“It’s my responsibility to update the Commander as I see fit, Mother Nature.”

. . .

“Do you have black tea in stock?” You asked the young girl working the counter at the bakery closest to the Survey Corps’ Headquarters. Even if it was the closest, it was still quite a ways on horseback-- about a half hour back into town.

The girl blushed. “Um, no. We don’t. Our…newest hire…under-watered the plant,” she explained tentatively, her smile sheepish enough to suggest that she was the mentioned culprit.

“It happens. Do you still have the plant?” you asked.

“Yes, we do…?” she replied, unsure as to why you were asking for it. Her smile seemed a bit terse, irritated that you were looking for a plant that they were likely about to compost.

“Can I buy it?” While over-watering typically caused a plant to wilt and rot, effectively killing it. However, under-watering was fixable in most cases. Especially if it was the summer sun--- while camelia flowers tended to prefer sunnier spots, they also required ample water to keep them nourished. It wasn’t unheard of for an amateur to be scared of overwatering the flowers.

“I think it’s about to die, so you can’t really use it for tea or anything,” she warned, expecting you to change your mind.

“Just name your price,” you smiled patiently, but you were sure it didn’t reach your eyes because of your impatience. But in a matter of mere minutes, you were walking to the public stable where you left your horse, Juniper, and you were on your way back to Headquarters to start your first official project as an Honorary Scout.

. . .

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sch-com · 6 months

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Specific manifestations of anankastic / obsessive-compulsive PD in my life

see similar post for schizoid PD

When I first heard of my personality disorders, it was hard for me to notice their role in my life. Part of it was that I was younger, and with less experiences, but part of it was that by nature PDs are so ingrained it's hard to see the full scope of their influence. Particularly I struggled to see the "dysfunction" part - I was thinking that sure, I do experience that, but is it really that bad? And you can't have a PD without the dysfunction, so do I even count? I think that now, after some time and more reflections, I can say I do see the dysfunction, so I thought to share my observations.

Disclaimer: I am going to combine DSM V and ICD10 criteria, and omit those that do not apply to me

Using DSM V + ICD10 criteria for OCPD that are relevant to me:

1/ A preoccupation with order and details that results in the person missing the point of an activity / Perfectionism that hinders the completion of tasks

This manifests in a very classic way for me. I get overfocused on aligning shapes in my presentations instead of focusing on, well, the goal of the presentation. I get fixated on trying to undestand everything in my classes/courses - instead of seeing what the entire course is trying to teach me, I get anxious and feel like a failure for not understaning one concept. It prevents me from moving on and trusting the process.

A big one that deserves it's own point is when I am organising things. I organise everything in my life, and I get into those organisation obsessions. When I am in one, it's all I can think of. How to put those notes in order, where to put this thing, how to create a system that makes perfect sense. Instead of recognising that the organisation part is supposed to help me with the things I am trying to organise, I get obsessed with the details of the organisation system itself.

2/ Undue preoccupation with productivity to the exclusion of pleasure and interpersonal relationships to an extent that is excessive and not explained by economic needs

Very much connected to 3/ for me, more on that there.

When I was still in school, the feeling of obligation was overwhelming. I can't quite even find the words to describe the extent of this feeling. I neglected everything, literally everything to do schoolwork. Sleep, relationships, family, my health, just because I felt this enormous pressure that Have To. I refused to meet with friends, or to watch movies with family, or to do anything fun, or to even go to the doctors because I had homwork, or an exam. And I know everyone does that from time to time, but the frequency and intensity is what made it dysfunctional. Also, as it turns out, it only caused me more harm than good - me getting a good grade 5 years ago absolutely doesn't mean anything anymore now. And me not making any long-lasting relationships? Absolutely does affect me to this day. My priorities were not serving me.

Now I don't have this singular intense big obligation that school was for me, but I still am rather obsessive about trying to gain skills that would make me employable / not useless. Granted, I am failing miserably at that, but it is my main focus. And I still neglect other things and relationships because of work or some other task I deemed an Obligation. I literally work full-time and then study part-time on the weekeds, I don't think I would do that if I cared about friendships or fun...

I can't allow myself to do anything fun / think about anything else when I have an Obligation planned. And it doesn't have to be anything big - even when I Have To buy someone a gift, I will not fully relax as long as I fulfill the obligation. Which is stupid, because there are always things to be done, so I am permanently stuck in this.

And all of the above is so irrational... Like I come from a relatively well-off family. I have had a full time job for a year now, with permanent contract. And yet, I still feel this sense of Danger and that I Have To do all the things, like work and studying, to make sure I don't die (it feels like I will die if I stop).

3/ Reluctance to spend money on oneself or others and a belief that money should be hoarded for emergencies

The motivation for all from point 2/ always has been fear of spending money, fear of being useless, fear of not having the skills for people to employ me and ultimately fear of ending up homeless. I was thinking of this even when I was like 13yo learning geography. I don't know how normal that is. So, I have always saved up as much as I can, to have the money when something bad happens. I am saying when, and not if, because it feels inevitable.

Everything costs money, and when I am afraid of spending it it affects so many aspects of life. I don't go to fun events for which you have to pay. I feel bad going out for dinner with friends, so I isolate instead. I don't buy clothes unless the ones I have are absolutely unwearable. I postpone going to the doctors, or getting tests done when I have to pay. I feel bad even bying basic groceries.

This is a big factor contributning of me not going to therapy, because it's expensive.

I also feel even more guilty when other people spend money on me. Like, I absolutely don't have to work actually, my parents could pay for my university. But it feels too wrong. I can't. I physically can't allow them to.

4/ Reluctance to delegate tasks to or work with others unless things are done his or her way

Pretty related to 1/. Other people just don't care about the details, or doing things right as much as I do (which actually, good for them because I am the one in the wrong, but I can't help it). I hated group assignments in school because of this. And then I would put too much effort into a stupid project that ultimately meant nothing, and so the cycle continues.

On the flip side, it makes me refrain from tasks, jobs or even basic activities which involve other people, because I know I will suffer with trying to ignore the "imperfections", or they will suffer if I nag them about them. So it may be limiting in terms of what I take on. Like not choosing work that I would maybe like / benefit from because it involves groupwork. And let's be honest, in today's complicated world there aren't many things you can do completely alone. All big, important projects involve cooperation.

5/ Excessive conscientiousness and infexibility related to morality or values (not explained by one's culture or religion)

The main value I hold in my life is to cause as little harm as possible. And you know what is the easiest way to cause as little harm as possible? To do as little as possible. I try to not consume much. I isolate because I don't want to hurt anyone with my broken brain. I chose the line of work and study not because I truly want to do them, but because they are viewed as more useful/benefitial than what maybe I would have chosen otherwise. I don't want to be a waste, and a burden.

I also hold some other tangentially related philosophical beliefs, that most likely don't serve me, but they feel too right for me at the moment. To name a few: antinatalism, nihilism, atheism, pessimism (in the philosophical sense). I like to think I could become convinced otherwise, but that I just haven't heard good counterarguments, but I don't know. Some poeple have said to me that I am just stubborn and refuse to listen, so maybe it is my infexlibility and not the weakness of the arguments.

6/ Feelings of excessive doubt and caution

The thing that have defined my life since I can remember is this feeling that the world is a dangerous place. That I am unwanted here and that I have to prove that I deserve to stay. That I have to make the right choices, and be cautious to avoid pain.

It's hard to find specific examples, because it's something so ingrained I can't imagine how I would act otherwise? But even such things as avoiding going out at dark (impossible to do 100% of the time) that made me miss out on fun or important things. I never trust people fully, especially that they will fulfill their obligations to me. I never trust myself - that I deserve to be where I am, and I always feel at danger of getting kicked out of places. I don't trust strangers on the streets to even not attack me, even though it never happened? I could go on and on. I just have this feeling that I always have to watch myself, and my steps, and to prepare for the worst always.

7/ Intrusion of insistent and unwelcome thoughts or impulses

Probably a lot is covered in 6/ as well

I want to also mention my bfrb - skin picking. It's embarrasing to be honest. I pick everywhere, but especially on my shoulders to the point I look like I was burned. I like doing it, but I guess it is unwanted in the sense that I wish I didn't? I don't know, it's complicated.

I would also classify my obsessive need for organisation here. Like sometimes I wish I could just do something, instead of having this need to organise and plan everything neatly first.

For thoughts, it's pretty standard talk of not being enough, of not working hard enough, of comparing myself to others. I recently also started having flashbacks to random memories. I don't particularly want to think about the past anymore, and I wish they would stop.

I also get some thoughts that are like what many people think is going on in OCD - I get anxious about not locking the door, not turining off the oven, stuff like that. I do occasionally have to go back and check to calm myself, and even after I do I still think "but what if I didn't???". A big and constant one is thinking I lost/forgot my keys, wallet and phone all the time even though I am literally touching them in my pocket lmao. I don't think it's to the extent of a person with OCD though.

Fighting all of that just takes a lot of brainpower in my day-to-day, and that is pretty distressing itself because then I will spend my brainpower on thinking about how much brainpower I am using on those things? Ridiculous cirular thinking, that I am also experiencing in other aspects, but this post is long as it is.

#schcomtalk #anankastic personality disorder #obsessive compulsive personality disorder #ocpd #cluster c

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multidimensionalsock · 23 days

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Everyone who ever sees me experiencing the worst of my disorders leaves or draws away from me as soon as they do.

My adhd is okay until I talk over people or can't listen properly or until I infodump, or until I speak too loud, until I get frustrated easily. It's okay until I struggle with household tasks and getting stuff done independently. It's okay until I'm sensitive to rejection and get upset easily

My autism is okay until I misunderstand things, until I need things explaining, until I have meltdowns, until I stim, until I need comfort items. My autism is funny to you when my emotions come across weirdly. My autism is fine until I get upset by plan changes, until I need help with things that should be easy.

My OCD is okay until I apologise too much, my OCD is okay with you until you have to experience me doing compulsions, my OCD is funny to you until you have to deal with me obsessively panicking about something. My OCD is funny to you when I'm just someone whos afraid of germs and you don't have to think about how I have to navigate my entire world around my brains nonsensicle ideas of good or bad or dirty and clean.

Everything is fine until I don't hide everything but the things you find presentable.

#actually autistic #actually adhd #actually ocd

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strange-and-off-putting · 10 months

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So I was thinking about Arnold Rimmer (as one does) and how a lot of people talk about him having OCD, but I'm gonna make the argument here that it's more likely he has OCPD, which is Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

I'll leave interested people to do their own deep dives, but here is a very basic rundown of symptoms/traits from Cleveland Clinic:

Be preoccupied with and insist on details, rules, lists, order and organization.

Have perfectionism that interferes with completing tasks.

Have excessive devotion to work and productivity. This results in neglecting hobbies and spending less time with loved ones.

Have excessive doubt and indecisiveness.

Use extreme caution to avoid what they perceive to be failure.

Be rigid and stubborn in their beliefs and ways of doing things.

Be unwilling to compromise.

Be unwilling to throw out broken or worthless objects, even if they have no sentimental value.

Have difficulty working with others or delegating tasks unless they agree to do things exactly as the person wants.

Frequently become overly fixated on a single idea, task or belief.

Perceive everything as “black or white” (dichotomous thinking).

Have difficulty coping with criticism.

Over-focus on flaws in other people.

I'm not going to say Rimmer doesn't exhibit any classic OCD symptoms (he does), nor am I trying to invalidate people who have OCD and see themselves in him (that's perfectly valid). I just got caught up in my own thought spiral about Rimmer and fell down this mental rabbit hole and thought I'd scream into the void about it. Ya know, as one does.

#arnold rimmer #red dwarf

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hprarepairfest · 7 months

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Rare Pair Fest IV Works - Day 7

Get ready for some juicy fics today!! 😍

Title: The Growth of a Garden Author: @arwrites Ship: Neville Longbottom/Pansy Parkinson Prompt: #58 Rating: E Word Count: 14,874 Warnings: Past Torture, Past Relationship(s), Past Child Abuse, Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Consensual Sex, Enthusiastic Consent, Past Character Death, past trauma, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Therapy, Hoarding Disorder Summary:

Pansy and Neville are academic rivals. But they feel other feelings that they are trying to deny.

💞🍐💞

Title: The Quaeromancy Effect Author: @astridastrolabe Ship: Charlie Weasley/Oliver Wood Prompt: #7 Rating: T Word Count: 4,338 Warnings: None Summary:

Oliver Wood is tired of being a restless tumbleweed, aimless and lonely in Glasgow. He takes matters, his dog's leash and his rescue cockatoo in his hands and seeks advice from a Divination practicer. When she asks Oliver if he knows anyone with a connection to dragons, the dominoes tumble to a happily ever after. Written for prompt 7: "After an injury ends his Quidditch career, a lost Oliver seeks out his former captain for some guidance." Thanks for providing the framework for this wee tale.

💞🍐💞

Title: A New Day Dawning Author: @midnightstargazer Ship/s: Hestia Jones/Kingsley Shacklebolt Prompt: 229 ("Post-Deathly Hallows, two surviving members of the Order of the Phoenix find comfort and support in each other") Rating: T Word Count: 9,884 Warnings: angst, references to past character death Summary:

In the months that follow the Battle of Hogwarts, two survivors lean on each other for support. Victory is sweet, but it does little to soften the heartbreak of losing their lovers in the war, not to mention the impossible task of putting their society back together again. They're not looking for romance, but it begins to blossom between them anyway.

💞🍐💞

Title: your seat, it's the best seat Author: @the-houseryn Ship/s: Draco Malfoy/Ron Weasley, Mentioned Luna Lovegood/Harry Potter Prompt: #123 Rating: Explicit Word Count: 17.4k Warnings: No Archive Warnings apply. Summary:

In the moment, it hadn’t occurred to him that taunting Draco into sitting on his lap once would open the door for Draco to keep doing so, even when other chairs existed. Nor had he known that the consequence of becoming Draco's furniture was how hard he'd fall in love with someone who didn't fancy him back.

#hp rare pairs #hp rare pair fest #hp fanfic #fanfiction #hp fest #hp rare pair #pansy parkinson #neville longbottom #pansy x neville #charlie weasley #oliver wood #hestia jones #kingsley shacklebolt #draco malfoy #ron weasley

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pansyfemme · 1 month

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As someone with clinical depression and bpd ++ some other stuff I just wanna say I absolutely understand the "wanting to get better but Knowing it won't ever end". Like, I am in a very similar boat where I know I'm never ever going to be able to be told I don't meet the criteria for the stuff I have. But god, one day, I'd like to say I'm not struggling anymore. That for a whole month I woke up GOOD. I didn't rot in bed for 5 hours. I did all my tasks and I only felt a little sad and when I felt sad I let it pass instead of it eating me up and ruining all my progress.

It's gonna get better for us both I think. The only way out is through. And I think we can manage a few more bramble patches. 🫂

I won’t go into my full list of diagnoses because it’s long and also incomplete, my therapist actually has told me that despite me fitting the criteria for a few other disorders, since i already have several disorders, it’s prob just best to identify what symptoms i deal with one by one than segment a whole mess of things into seperate disorders that interact anyways. but i deal with anything from dissociation to obsessive-compulsive thought proccesses to hallucination to delusion to periods of intense paranoia and agoraphobic tendancies, and it’s a fucking mess and i’ve been officially getting treatment for all that for like 11 or 12 years now, but the most consistant thing is my depression, which is given all those fun labels like ‘severe’ ‘treatment resistant’ ‘chronic’ and ‘high-risk’, and i’ve had that since i was about three years old (maybe before that, but that’s the age it started presenting/i can remember.) It’s rough to like. sum up the way it makes you feel when you don’t remember not dealing with severe mental illness, it’s just my life and what i know. I’m not asking for it to be gone, because i don’t know my life and myself without it. But i do sometimes dream that one day I will be able to leave it behind in another respect- that people will not worry about me constantly, that maybe i can wean off meds someday and learn to balance life without them, or be able to have a wider open schedule- i have had therapy no less than twice a week, at it’s most 7 days a week for a full decade, and i just sometimes want to know i’ll be okay if i stop active treatment someday. But i don’t, and that’s what makes it suck so bad!! I try to be open as i can about it but sometimes it’s difficult to explain to people with mental illness that sometimes people can’t get better and it’s not just ‘giving up’ or ‘excusing symptoms.’ I work everyday to be a better person but i’m aware that it’s not going anywhere. It’s endlessly frustrating that whenever my mental health dips i get told ‘you just need to continue the work’ because it’s true! it’s so true, i need to keep working. but the work is not curing me, it’s just sustaining me, and that’s difficult. I just sometimes want a good week and i want to know it will be good in advance so i can enjoy it. And I want to take better care of myself, i do, but it’s just that self-care for a person like me has a lot of obstacles in the way. And i’m just trying to get through. I’m glad you can relate. It’s really tough to be treatment-resistant or chronic with mental health because mental illness is often treated as a disability you can and will overcome, but it’s just not true for everyone, and it’s tough trying to come to terms with what that means for the future.

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randomfoggytiger · 11 months

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X-Files Scully Trauma Responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn?

Picking up from this post about Mulder, we have Scully's turn!

There are four main trauma responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn (taken from the book Complex CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker-- see Disclaimers section below for info.) In short: Fight Types respond to stress with physical intimidation or verbal bullying; Flight Types run as far as they can from danger (physically or metaphorically), fleeing or distracting their minds with obsessive-compulsive work; Freeze Types disassociate, seeing fight and flight as futile and becoming numb to life; and Fawn Types try to win favor from their oppressor, leaning co-dependently on others.

Scully's Primary Trauma Response Type

Flight Types

"A Flight response is triggered when a person responds to a perceived threat by fleeing; or, symbolically, by launching into hyperactivity. .... Extreme Flight types are like machines with a switch stuck in the 'on' position. They are obsessively and compulsively driven by the unconscious belief that perfection will make them safe and loveable. They rush to achieve. They rush as much in thought in action, compulsion."

Beyond the Sea explored the breadth of Scully's Flight Type Trauma Response: Scully tried to avoid the pain of her father's death by distracting herself with work before the funeral; but was forced to sit in her feelings of inadequacy and beg for reassurance of his fatherly pride from her mother. "Was he at all proud of me?" is the backbone of her type, just as it was in relation to her partnership with Mulder, her daughterly duties to Maggie, her sisterly duties to Bill, and her professional duties as a medical doctor, Academy instructor, and field agent. Furthermore, this episode laid the groundwork for the infamous hallway scene in Fight the Future. As Rob Bowman stated: "‘I need you, I need you.’ That’s a theme of the movie – Mulder needs Scully. And never before has he come to that understanding quite so strongly as he does in this story. So she’s running because she’s afraid that he’s going to talk her out of it, and so the best thing she can do is hit the elevator button and go, go, go."

Classic Flight Type, classic.

(An interesting note: As stated above, Scully's "machine" is stuck in the "on" position-- the exact opposite of Mulder's type, which is stuck in the "off" position. Scully's traumatic response is to bury herself in obsessive-compulsive disordered behavior to distract from the lack of control she has over her life--finding refuge in long-working hours or needlessly consuming chores-- after her father's death, Emily's death, Mulder's disappearance and death, her mother's death, her son's fake death, etc. While Scully seeks out tasks, people, and duties from life (a.k.a. whether that be her on-the-clock job or extra busywork on weekends and holidays), Mulder retreats from people during his traumatic responses, becoming reclusive and alienated, dungeonIng himself away from life in his basement or leather couch.)

But what if her primary trauma response isn't working fast enough to combat fear or danger? In this case, Scully will develop a secondary trauma response, the polar opposite of her dominant one:

Flight-Fawn Types

Flight-Fawn Types (also known as Super Nurses, ironically) turn the obsessive-compulsive workaholism of the Flight Type into the bend-over-backwards self-imposed slavery of the Fawn Type. As Pete Walker explains: "The Fawn-Flight Type is the most typically seen in the busy-holic parent, nurse, or administrative assistant who works from dawn until bedtime providing for the needs of the house, the hospital, or company. He" [she] "compulsively takes care of everyone else's needs with hardly a gesture towards his own. The Fawn-Flight is sometimes a misguided Mother Theresa-type who escapes the pain of her self-abandonment by seeing herself as the perfect, selfless caregiver. She further distances herself from her own pain by obsessively-compulsively rushing from one person in need to another. Some Fawn-Flight clients become OCD-like clean-aholics."

As we know, Scully fashions herself as Mulder's partner, primary caretaker, and right-hand Starbuck, while also acting as his translator, justifier, and report writer to the higher ups.

When Mulder messes up in all areas of his life, she flies in to patch him up and cover for him. This, of course, is fulfilling... but it's also distracting, purposefully so. Her Flight-Fawn Response also emerges its head whenever she tries to placate her brother Bill: cut off from Flight, she will utilize Fawn-- letting him ramble, pushing back only a little while pleading for understanding-- before ultimately volleying back to Flight whenever he gives her enough room to squeeze by and make her escape. Even on her last legs during the cancer arc, Scully still got swept up into verifying Mulder's quest against her previously expressed wishes--Flight-Fawn in full effect.

Why Scully Is Not Primarily Fight, Freeze, or Fawn

Fight Types

"A Fight response is triggered when a person suddenly responds aggressively to something threatening. ...Fight Types are unconsciously driven by the belief that power and control can create safety, assuage abandonment, and secure love...." Fight Types often become bullies or narcissists to their loved ones as well as their enemies if left unchecked. At their worst, they can become demanding, demeaning, and punishing because they equate strength as power exerted to weaken a threat. Fight is the first Trauma Response all humans develop; and if it's used effectively, Fight Responders stick to this "effective" method rather than trying out others (the second Flight, third Freeze, or fourth Fawn.) This translates to a bitter outlook on the world, always suspicioning the motives of others in cruel or judgmental ways. Severely traumatized Flight Types usually grew up in homes where they had to fight back against physical abuse or protect others from it. Dana Scully, while aggressive and cantankerous in the face of sniveling injustice, never uses her anger as a way to control or manipulate others; nor does she see other humans as self-interested threats.

Freeze Types

"A Freeze Response is triggered when a person, realizing resistance is futile, gives up, numbs out into dissociation, and/or collapses, as if accepting the inevitability of being hurt…. The Freeze Response, also known as the Camouflage Response, also triggers a survivor into hiding, isolating, and avoiding human contact. The Freeze Type can be so frozen in the retreat mode that is seems as if their "Starter” button is stuck in the “off” position. While all 4 F Types commonly suffer from social anxiety as well, Freeze Types typically take a great deal more refuge in solitude." These Types have learned from a young age that fighting back will only get you punished and that fleeing will only get you reprimanded; so, they collapse in on themselves instead. Dana Scully wields her independent agency freely and often, so this is definitely not her primary Type.

Fawn Types

"Fawn response is triggered when a person responds to threat by trying to be pleasing or helpful in order to appease and forestall an attacker.... Fawn Types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others. They act as if they believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences, and boundaries. The disenfranchisement of the Fawn Type begins in childhood... learns early that a modicum of safety and attachment can be gained by becoming the helpful and compliant servant of... exploitive parents." (As an aside, this type is formed from having at least one narcissistic parent who beat wore down the first natural human response-- Fight-- the second response-- Flight-- and the third response-- Freeze-- until all that is left is Fawn.) Dana Scully has never kowtowed or cheaply sold her self-respect to appease to others; and has only ever dipped into the Fawn Response as a capitulation or bargaining tool, hence why it is her secondary and not primary response.

Thank you for reading~

Enjoy!

**Disclaimers: Most of the information was obtained from Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, a private counselor and lecturer for thirty-five years. As a victim of CPTSD himself, he made a study of its victims and helped craft a system for CPTSD recoverees to understand themselves and progressively heal. (Highly recommend his book-- excellent.)

#txf #xf meta #x-files #xfiles #meta #the x files #Scully #Trauma Responses #Trauma Responses: Fight Flight Freeze Fawn #CPTSD #analysis #Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving #Pete Walker

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carmenlire · 5 months

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Oatmeal

Content warning for mentions of disordered eating.

read on ao3

Sometimes, Alec wonders when he’ll finally be free of all this.

Things have been difficult lately. Work at the firm has been overwhelming. While he’s no stranger to working his ass off– he didn’t make partner before thirty by resting on his laurels– the past autumn was the most stressful period of his life, he thinks.

Alec said yes to mentoring a new intern– and while Simon is a quick learner and surprisingly funny, it’s been a true test of his time management abilities to balance his own workload while making sure that Simon’s experience is valuable and that he feels equally supported and challenged.

Alec’s been working through lunch more often than not– or, well, he’s tried to find that balance that he’s learned he needs. So, he’ll have a sandwich while pouring over obscure law texts. He replies to emails in between bites of a spicy tuna roll from the sushi place down the street.

It’s conscious effort, but Alec’s trying. Sometimes he thinks all he does is try.

Still, Alec can read the warning signs.

Things have reached a head, lately.

It’s a little surreal to realize that Alec hasn’t really eaten four of the past six days. Eating feels like so much effort– he’s so tired all of the time– and it’s easy to skirt when he really does have a busy schedule. Alec wakes up with a dozen things on his to-do list and no matter how many hours he puts in or how many of those tasks he crosses off, he still ends the day with fourteen things waiting for him the next morning.

It’s a vicious cycle and Alec’s felt like he’s spending all of his energy just trying to survive lately. He doesn’t have time to worry about pesky little things like whether he’s eating balanced meals– whether he’s eating meals, at all– not when Alec’s felt like he’s been thrust into survival mode for months.

He’s staying at the office until near midnight half the week. Running on endless cups of coffee wasn’t really in his plan but it helps, a little. It makes Alec feel like he’s doing something– both a help and a hindrance.

Because Alec knows that relying on coffee is a red flag. But he also knows that it’s something to fill his stomach while it still works to suppress his appetite.

Alec told himself that he’d get it together at the start of the year. The holidays hadn’t wreaked as much havoc as they usually did but with so much on his plate, Alec’s vigilant self-care had went a bit by the wayside.

Which brings him to now.

It’s midmorning and Alec is up to his elbows in court briefs. His asshole client is scheduled to come in late in the afternoon and Alec already has a headache brewing at the thought of how much he needs to kiss this company’s ass, the obsequious fawning and sugarcoating the CFO requires while everyone else in the room rolls their eyes at intermittent periods.

He ignores the fact that his headache hasn’t really left since the weekend, since the first twenty four hours he went with nothing but an iced coffee half melting on his desk.

When Alec has a few minutes to spare, he’s filled with a sick apathy. He wonders if this really is his bed, if this is him laying in it– sure, he’s always had tendencies but things were so terrible a few years ago and he’s still reaping the consequences.

He can be doing so well just to hit rock bottom overnight. It’s like a switch has flipped sometimes and even if there is no trigger, Alec can still be laid low for days or even weeks. His bouts of depression since he was a teenager taught him that recovery absolutely is not linear. Still, he can’t help but wish that this didn’t have to be so hard.

He wants to wake up every morning and eat breakfast without thinking about it. He wants to casually accept dinner plans without immediately feeling a prickle of unease, without obsessively, almost compulsively, reading menus. He wishes that a colleague offering a snack in the afternoon lull didn’t make his gut twist with anxiety.

Phone buzzing somewhere under a stack of folders, Alec absently reaches over and unlocks it.

Glancing over, everything calms for the few moments it takes to read the texts and send a reply.

This is your reminder to eat lunch, darling. Don’t let work distract you <3

Also, this is me promising I won’t fall asleep before I get to kiss you goodnight tonight! I refuse to fall asleep at 8pm like a man twice my age. It’s extremely unbecoming, Alexander.

Huffing out a laugh, Alec shakes his head as he lets his full attention fall to his phone.

Thank you for the reminder, babe <3

I’ll try to get home at a decent hour but you know that even if you’re not awake, you always get your goodnight kiss <3<3

“Now who could possibly be distracting The Alec Lightwood from work?”

Alec doesn’t startle, merely flicks his gaze up at the doorway to his brother. Unimpressed, he just asks, “What are you doing here?”

Jace is just gearing up to answer with his customary dramatic– annoying– flair when Isabelle elbows him out of the way, stepping into Alec’s office and falling into a seat like she owns the place.

“We’re here to kidnap you for lunch! You’ve been ghosting us so we’re taking matters into our own hands.”

Alec smiles a little even if internally, he’s seized with panic. All he can think of is, oh this is terrible.

And it’s not because he’s drowning in work. It isn’t even because they’ve surprised him and caught him off guard.

No, Alec is almost overwhelmed with irritation, with dread, because he absolutely cannot eat right now. Just the thought of it is enough to fill him with an irrational surge of anger.

Alec knows it doesn’t make sense and he knows that this isn’t healthy. He also doesn’t give a shit, not when he’s been mired in this for days now.

Nothing feels as important as keeping up his streak. It feels like it’s the only thing he can control right now and he’s loathed to relinquish it.

Unfortunately, he hasn’t made it a clean streak. A few days, he'd eaten some crackers when he came home late. Yesterday morning, he ate a piece of toast. Still, with the way time stretches out, with everything else on his plate, it’s been easy enough to skip meals, to eat just enough for passable subterfuge.

Being confronted by two of the closest people to him, though, wasn’t in his cards.

Even after all this time, he’s never told Jace or Isabelle about his– issues with eating. They never noticed before and he really has gotten so much better in the past couple of years.

Just his luck that they do this now, here, where doesn’t have the room or time to escape.

And Alec knows that while he can be easy to annoy, true anger isn’t so common. Alec also knows that his irritation doesn’t even really stem from the impromptu lunch date. He’s been pissed off for a few days now, temper on a hair trigger.

It still doesn’t make any of this any easier, though. Again, for the hundredth, thousandth, millionth time Alec wonders just when this will all be behind him. When he’ll finally be better.

“I’m actually really busy right now so if–”

He’s cut off before he can finish rattling off his excuse.

Leaning in the doorway, Jace crosses his arms and stares Alec down. “I know you have a lot going on right now but all that means is you could use a break. Come on, let’s go to that diner down the street. It won’t kill you to leave your desk for an hour, you know.”

Alec grits his teeth, jaw grinding with the effort to tamp down his first and second responses. Things like what a pity to eat now when I’m not even hungry, when it’s been almost a week and I’ve lost nine pounds.

Things like this is the only thing that’s keeping me sane right now.

“I don’t really want to go,” Alec says, honest and only a touch apologetic.

“And we don’t really care,” Isabelle replies cheerfully.

So Alec grabs his coat and nods to Simon as they head towards the elevator. The intern is watching the livestream of some case, tossing back popcorn every few seconds. Half of it lands on his desk. Alec is reluctantly fond.

The diner is packed, half the tables claimed by students while professionals in suits and dresses occupy the other half. They wait a few minutes for a table and Alec almost feels like he’s preparing for war.

It’s trite even to him. It still doesn’t stop unease from pooling in his stomach.

The waitress is harried and mostly disinterested as they’re seated. She tosses a few menus down along with the same number of straws and glasses of water and declares she’ll be back in just a few moments for their orders.

Both Jace and Isabelle immediately throw their coats over the back of their chairs and settle down, reaching for the worn-out menus with a delicious-looking selection of pancakes and sandwiches.

Alec carefully peels his coat off, takes a few extra seconds to gently fold it and place it over the back of his own chair. Sitting down, he stares at the menu Jace moved into his place with a mix of irritation of trepidation.

“What are you guys getting,” he asks and keeps an ear out for their response as he starts looking over his options.

“I’m thinking about the huevos rancheros, breakfast potatoes on the side and a double serving of bacon,” Jace regales enthusiastically, clearly starving and a little impatient with it.

Alec stares down at the entire page that lists their assortment of crepes, mostly unseeing, as Isabelle offers, “I’m in the mood for a strawberry waffle. I might go for an iced mocha, too.”

Alec smiles a little, hums along. “Those sound good,” he murmurs and tries to find something on this diner menu that doesn’t make him want to crawl out of his skin.

His attention catches on what he’d like to have, first, though. Sometimes, it feels like half of Alec’s life is spent wishing he was a different person, someone not tethered by frankly disgusting metrics of health and wellness.

He used to be like that, he thinks. In college, he enjoyed meeting his friends for brunch after a night out. His go-to breakfast after a night spent drinking is still a short stack and scrambled eggs– at least when he allows himself, which is so rare as to be unheard of these days.

“What are you getting, Alec,” Jace asks as he twists his straw wrapper into a knot.

Alec shrugs, looking down at the sides section on the back of the menu. “Probably the oatmeal,” he offers.

He doesn’t really care, especially as it’s the only thing on the menu that even vaguely fits into his list of acceptable foods right now.

Alec is trying to ease off meat right now and half the menu has more sugar than he’d like to consume in a week. The oatmeal– if he does deign to eat it– will at least have some fiber, will be filling, could keep him satiated for another twenty four hours. There’s fruit served on the side, too, so there’s his sweetness and something fresh to complement the meal.

If it was another time, Alec would even be happy to order oatmeal. He actually does enjoy it– it’s a regular food in his rotation, his go-to easy lunch or breakfast.

When he’s good, he likes to experiment a little. Add some seeds and nuts, try some yogurt mixed in or granola, include different fruits.

This isn’t one of those times, though, and Alec is almost overtaken with a pervasive sense of disgust at the thought of breaking his fast.

It doesn’t matter that oatmeal is a safe food; it doesn’t even matter that he’s with Jace and Isabelle. Even if Alec doesn’t usually like an audience to his fucked-up dietary dilemmas, there’s a very large piece of him today that just can’t find the wherewithal to care– to care about what they think, what they say, what they might infer.

All that matters to him is keeping tight control over things. He feels a little manic with the desire, in between the lethargic apathy. It feels like the only thing keeping him going is the vague gnawing of his stomach, the headache that beats steadily in his temples that reminds him that he’s in charge, that he has a handle on himself.

Any threat to that immediately puts Alec on the defensive.

The waitress returns just in time to hear Isabelle offer an impassioned, “Boring,” and soon enough they’ve all ordered and have had their menus neatly collected.

Small talk ensues and Alec joins in, hearing about Jace’s early morning spin class and Isabelle’s disastrous run-in with an ex over the weekend.

For his part, Alec bitches about the client he’s meeting with later– keeping care not to divulge too much information– and it does feel good to catch up with his siblings.

The past several months have been increasingly difficult and Alec has felt a little out of control with it all, like he’s been swept up in a tide he didn’t choose. It feels like the warmth of the summer plunged right into a cold, strenuous fall and Alec didn’t even have a chance to catch his breath first.

An hour with Jace and Izzy are welcome after all and Alec enjoys himself. But that isn’t really anything new.

Briefly, he remembers that this used to be common enough– Alec might enjoy eating and trying out different restaurants but when he gets like this sometimes the best thing for him is to be rounded up and brought out into company. Being around those he loves is a balm to his nerves starved raw, offers a reprieve that Alec didn’t even know he needed until he’s laughing way harder than he should be at the way Jace complains about his commute and the oddly passive-aggressive seatmate he had to deal with two mornings last week.

He doesn’t need to eat to be in good company. He learned that in college. And the memory of those meals– where he brought his own food or just had water while he soaked in fond company– eases at least a little of his current anxiety.

The waitress brings their food out quickly and Jace and Isabelle are immediately tucking in with gusto.

Alec, for his part, adds the sliced banana and tiny cup of almonds to his oatmeal. He stirs everything in conscientiously, letting the task absorb more of his focus than is strictly necessary.

While Isabelle talks about a paper she’s been working on recently, Alec looks down at his oatmeal and it’s almost frighteningly easy to just. . . not eat.

After a few minutes, Alec looks up and glances around the restaurant. Things seem to be calming down a little, a few tables opening up and staying vacant. Turning his attention to Jace, whose plate is half empty, Alec asks, “How’s everyone’s food?”

Isabelle offers a thumbs up while she’s in the middle of biting into a glazed strawberry and Jace starts talking with his mouth half full.

“So good,” Jace says, absolutely not chewing before talking. “Want to try?”

Alec’s nose wrinkles in disgust and Isabelle laughs. “No, thanks,” Alec replies deadpan.

“Is your oatmeal not any good,” Isabelle asks, noticing that he’s just stirring it around halfheartedly.

Quick to shake his head, Alec smiles. “I’m just not hungry,” he replies easily and it helps that it’s not even a lie.

“Oh, did you already eat?”

Humming in thought, Alec resumes his casual study of the restaurant. “I’ve had a lot of coffee. Plus, I don’t really like to eat before noon.”

Isabelle frowns at that, looking down at her plate. “It’s only a few minutes to noon. You might as well go ahead and eat.”

Alec waves her off. “I’m really not that hungry. You know I just came here to catch up with you two.”

Finishing off the last of his coffee, Jace sets his mug down and leans his elbows on the table. He looks right at Alec and Alec feels the tiniest prickle of discomfort. “I guess you have dinner for tonight then, yeah?”

Alec smiles a little. “Yeah,” he agrees easily enough. “It’ll probably be another late night and it’ll be nice to know I have something waiting at the office.”

They’re interrupted by the waitress bringing the check by and Alec breathes a slow, steady sigh of relief. He knows he’s feeling more defensive than he needs to be but he can’t help that any questions about his eating, any attention paid to it, always fills him with irritation and an underlying sense of dread.

Alec grabs the check and asks for a to-go container and it’s just a few minutes later that they’re all tumbling out of the diner and onto the bustling sidewalk.

“Well, I need to get back,” Alec says, starting to slowly walk backwards towards his law firm.

Isabelle waves, weaving her arm through Jace’s. As they start turning to head in the opposite direction, she calls out, “Try not to work too hard, Alec.”

Alec laughs, more of a huff of breath than anything else. With a last, “See ya,” they go their separate ways and Alec hunches against the bitter wind.

The little bowl of oatmeal is heavy in his hand. Just the thought of eating it is repugnant. He can’t find it in himself to care.

Rounding a corner, it’s only another block to his office.

Alec doesn’t know what the rest of the day will bring except a chronic headache and frustration that’s been ebbing through his veins for weeks now.

It’s barely a thought before Alec’s tossing the bowl of oatmeal into a passing trash can. He feels a little bad but he knows that he wouldn’t have eaten it, that the reminder that he had something he could eat but refused to would weigh on his mind.

As he enters the building his law office is in, Alec feels a little guilty but more than that, he feels a tendril of contentment.

He knows this spell won’t last forever, that in a few months he’ll think back on this time with regret and a wince. For right now, though, he figures there are worse places to be.

Simon greets him with a salute when he exits the elevator, waiting on him with a stack of folders he needs to review before his meeting in an hour.

Settling back at his desk, Alec’s stomach grumbles. Alec likes to think that he can feel the emptiness and it propels him forward.

“Hey, Simon.”

Looking back from where he was about to leave Alec’s office, Simon smiles, expression open. “Yeah, boss?”

“Can you grab me an iced americano? And get yourself whatever you want while you’re at it.”

If possible, Simon’s expression brightens further. “Can I use the–”

Alec smiles and is reaches his eyes. “Yes, use the company card.”

Simon’s exuberance provides some much needed levity to Alec’s days and it’s compounded by how capable Simon really is– quick to learn and willing to put in the work.

Simon returns just before the meeting with Alec's iced coffee and Alec loses himself in the rhythm of his work. It’s steady, predictable enough after years.

He sips on his drink and when he comes home at a downright early 10pm, he finds Magnus waiting on the couch.

His boyfriend’s in his pajamas, some crime show rerun playing on the television. He look extremely comfortable under a blanket.

He’s out like a light.

Chuckling a little, Alec leans down to kiss him hello and takes a moment to study Magnus in the light of the lamp in the corner.

Kissing him on the forehead again for good measure, Alec quietly drops his briefcase by the hallway and gets ready for bed.

Twenty minutes later, he’s padding back into the living room, hair just a little damp and in his own sweatpants.

This time, his touch is a bit more firm as he tucks a strand of hair behind Magnus’s ear.

“Babe,” he murmurs, voice low. “Come on, let’s go to bed.”

Magnus is slow to rouse and Alec feels a little bad, knows the early mornings this semester are kicking his boyfriend’s ass.

“Alexander,” Magnus’s asks on a breath and Alec feels his heart catch at the warmth, the quiet joy laden in the syllables.

“Yeah, it’s me,” he answers softly. “Let’s go. If I let you stay on the couch, you’ll wake up with horrendous back pain.”

There’s some grumbling but Magnus doesn’t resist Alec’s gentle urging up to standing.

As they go to bed, Magnus falls almost immediately asleep, but not before mumbling, “Goodnight, I love you, Alexander.”

And as his boyfriend shifts a little, Alec stays awake a few minutes more, the ache in his stomach persistent now that the day has wound to a close.

It’s a familiar feeling, though, and not unpleasant. Turning over, Alec lets his exhaustion from the day– from the past few weeks– seep into his soul and numb him to sleep.

#my writing #oatmeal #malec fic

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whackacole3 · 6 months

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Hanzo and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

I was joking with a friend about making the Overwatch characters have personality disorders, I realized that Hanzo very closely resembles someone with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (also called anankastic personality disorder).

Now I will say, I myself have some personality disorders so I have the need to project onto him. This might lead me to project certain traits onto Hanzo as I analyze his character, so keep that in mind please.

On another note, if you disagree please just scroll past and don’t argue. I’m not saying this is canon or even implied, it’s just a headcanon and a silly little analysis that I wanted to do because I was bored.

Note: OCPD and OCD are not the same thing despite the similar names. Please do your own research if you want to learn more about the differences as I want to focus this on character analysis.

Let’s get into it!

Many may be shocked to know that OCPD is the most common personality disorder (not BPD like many may think). [source] So it is very likely that Hanzo could be one of these.

To receive a diagnosis of OCPD, an individual must reach four out of the eight specific criteria. Not the full set, only partially. It is important to notice that everyone’s experience with OCPF will be different because of the many combinations that exist within the criteria.

I will be using the direct diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5. Though Hanzo is Japanese and would use the ICD-11c I’m just not as familiar with that.

Is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost.

To maintain a sense of control, people with OCPD focus on rules, minute details, procedures, schedules, and lists. As a result, the main point of a project or activity is lost, as the criteria says. People with OCPD repeatedly check for mistakes and pay extraordinary attention to detail. They do not make good use of their time, often leaving the most important tasks until the end. Their preoccupation with the details and making sure everything is perfect can endlessly delay completion. They are unaware of how their behavior affects their coworkers. When focused on one task, these patients may neglect all other aspects of their life. [source]

Now while I personally believe Hanzo does this, from my understanding there’s no exact canon proof of him being preoccupied with these things. It could be assumed he does with all the later criteria he has that he is probably this way, but we don’t know for sure. No points. 0/8

Shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion

Nothing else matters except for being perfect. Things may never be completed because the need for it to be the best it possibly can be. Only the highest of standards for themselves. They have nothing in the tank to take care of yourself or attend to your hobbies or interests. [source]

Now while this can be explained from Hanzo being the eldest son and the pressure put on him by his father, that doesn’t negate the fact he does this. We know from dialogue with other characters he holds himself to a very high standard. So, that’s a point for him. 1/8

Is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships

People with OCPD may have difficulty in forming and maintaining relationships due to their perfectionist tendencies and devotion to work. They may have unrealistic expectations of themselves and others, which can lead to conflict and disappointment. [source]

This is pretty much the same as the last one. He isn’t tied to any organization and really has no friends or close ties to anyone. While there might be other explanations for this, I think it’s plausible he might not want to set himself up for disappointment. I’ll give a half point here. 1.5/8

Is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values

People with OCPD think actions and beliefs are either completely right or completely wrong. They often feel they are always right. It’s as if nothing will change their minds. [source]

Hanzo believes he is unforgivable and unworthy of anything. While this might be a more morbid belief that what is typically for OCPD, it still constitutes as one and would apply here. So sadly, he gets a point. 2.5/8

Is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value.

Hoarding is a very common symptom in OCPD because of the fear of losing something.

While I headcanon this: we have no canon proof of it. No point. 2.5/8

Is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things.

People with OCPD want to do things on their own without any help for fear of someone messing up their work. They typically deeply consumed in dysfunctional beliefs and genuinely see their way of functioning as the only "correct" way, where the world needs to conform to their own strict standards. [source]

This is very much Hanzo. He works by himself, a lone wolf, never with anyone else. While we don’t know if it’s exactly for the reason stated above, i would say it’s a plausible situation enough to give him a full point. 3.5/8

Adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes.

This one is pretty self explanatory .

Hanzo doesn’t have this, he gave away all his fortune. So, no point. 3.5/8

Shows rigidity and stubbornness.

People with OCPD are often described as “stuck in their ways” and “unwilling to change”. Such rigidity often manifests in a sense of hypermorality.

Hanzo is most definitely stubborn in every way possible. He doesn’t want to do anything except for his way. While he doesn’t have hypermorality, he is definitely ridged in his ways. Point. 4.5/8

And there we have it. Four and a half longs. If he was real, Hanzo could very much qualify for an OCPD diagnosis. There’s a lot of possible “stretching” and projecting; but in my eyes he had OCPD.

Now, again, this whole analysis is all for fun, shits and giggles if you will, so if you disagree that’s completely okay! Just don’t be mean about it, it’s just a headcanon/personal belief.

#overwatch #overwatch 2 #hanzo #hanzo overwatch #hanzo shimada #ocpd #obsessive compulsive #obsessive compulsive personality disorder #obsessive compulsive pd #character analysis #analysis

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sunset-bridge · 8 months

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gorbo thoughts part .. 3?

goro thoughts update. id like to ramble again

ok i think he might not have ocd actually! i mean he could but like...i dont think theres too many signs. so yes id like to. recall that. i think that was just me projecting LMAO.. its ok! i love learning more about my favorite guy. you know what he does have

i stand by the ocpd. (obsessive compulsive personality disorder, its a completely different thing from OCD. its a personality disorder) also Definetely ctpsd (complex ptsd)...... ! i was talking with someone and they brought it up and i was like. WOAG.. after reading about it

disclaimer: i only talk about these because i have them LOL.. im sure gorbo has a cute soup of Other problems but like. i cant really talk about those well... i find these two really interesting though.

see. ocpd, is like the perfectionist control freak disorder. its what people Think ocd is lol. BUT as a personality disorder, its so much more than that. people with ocpd also:

-you tend to have a black and white moral code

-your way is the only right way.

-you like to do things alone because no one else could do them right; this may cause relationship problems and you may come across as a fucking cunt ( i know this..)

difficulty compromising and accepting any critisicim of your actions or opinions.

excessive devotion to work and productivity

sosososo afraid of failure even if its kinda small. you feel it will ruin your image forever and ever. if i make a mistake put me to death please.

Frequently become overly fixated on a single idea, task or belief. even to detriment of . everything else in your life...

yeah...

me and some friends definetely see some of these in goro! ofc im so happy to hear what you guys think, i dont mind changing my views at all (like with the ocd thing i changed opinion about!)

like.. hes super fixated on his revenge plan, its the Only thing he cares about and everything is fair game if it allows him to advance that. leave him alone, its no one elses problem. he knows what hes doing. he has to be right about his values and beliefs. he has to. or else whats the point. dont tell him hes wrong. what do you mean? you dont know anything about him. he cant fail, he cant make mistakes, he has to work hard so everyone sees him exactly as he wants to and as someone valuable.

and. cptsd. as the name suggests its. a form of ptsd but..it has the Special Added features of:

-sometimes cant control emotions well

-you feel angry distrustful and resentful at the world in general

you feel worthless, empty or forever damaged by an event. like if you were stained with dirt forever.

you feel isolated. like no one could ever even understand what you went through (not in like an. edgy kid way. like fr. you feel even if you explained to people. they wouldnt understand you and your feelings. or theyd judge you and further hurt you...)

avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult (!!)

escapism or depersonalisation...dissociative behaviors .

yeah.. ! yeah. i think these ring quite some bells huh..! its really shitty! you feel like no one would get it, like no one would like you, like you are ruined forever and theres not much to do about it.

makes sense that goro would absorb himself in his plan. after all. he felt he was some sort of curse upon his mom; as if he was the one responsible for ruining her life.. but hed like to "redeem" himself with the revenge plan. he has to, even if its difficult to go on. i wonder if he planned to do anything if he achieved his plan? i dont think so. its a bit sad but.. he didnt really seem to plan doing. or living much more after. its like his whole life he convinced himself his only use would be as the vehicle to enact a revenge years in the making, and thats it.

as if he wasnt a person. just a tool to revenge. i think this is why its so difficult, frustrating and downright distressing to him to accept he too, has feelings and wants and needs like any Normal Person on planet earth. no way. those just interfere with the plan. and he has no right anyways.

i thought how id feel, in his shoes and with all my cute soup of wrong stuff, if some guy showed up, hes the guy i gotta kill. ok. then hes nice with me, as if mocking me. hes better at me in most things. he has friends and family and everyone likes him and he barely moves a finger. while i had to work so damn hard to even get acknowledged?? what does he have that i do not. hes nothing special. so why? then this guy acts like a fool even when hes so extraordinary in every aspect... does he think its funny? for someone so special to pretend to be ordinary. when id kill to be just half as special as him. honestly.. id become super frustrated with this bastard too. his presence would infuriate me. and the most frustrating thing, would be that this guy seems to be the only guy that seems to like hanging out with me. what the hell. guess he enjoys trying to humor me..

man...

#goro akechi #p5 #sure i guess #ahah the rival life with ocd ocpd and other fun things is so. fun (NOT)#man #this is why i became so attached to him when i was playing... its like. YO THIS guy this guy gets it (becomes obsessed)#im not joking i think goro is probably my favorite character in anything ever. at least now. but like. ive never. felt so much ...for any #fictional guy #man....#love to hear you guys thoughts! as i said i dont dislike if you disagree on something; sometimes i may be seeing things wrong! i want to #know so much and understand my favorite guy ever ^^ hes so much to me. so id love to hear everything!!#after all. i hadnt even considered cptsd before someone brought it up. even tho. i also. have. it. LOL

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theresistanceneverquits · 2 years

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So this last week was OCD Awareness Week and it got me thinking about how in TMNT 2012, Donnie was “confirmed” to have obsessive-compulsive disorder. (A writer who worked on the show confirmed it.) However, as someone with OCD I have never related to Donnie, and I’ve recently been rewatching the series with this knowledge in mind and still have not seen any good evidence of representation from him.

However, I feel like a character that actually displays themes of OCD well is Leo. I will say that my view of Leo’s OCD-coding is more based on his mentality, as opposed to actually showing signs of rituals or anything. This is me acknowledging that in-canon he does not exhibit Actual signs of OCD (neither does Donnie), but rather that his mentality better reflects OCD than Donnie’s does, to the point where I’ve related to Leo at times because of these themes.

There are also aspects that overlap with Leo possibly having ptsd and/or depression in the series, but I am making this analysis to educate you about how OCD works regardless, as I feel there is still something to be learned from headcanons and theories when it comes to analysis. I will also analyze how Donnie’s traits that can be skewed to represent OCD actually better fit a diagnosis of autism, using research provided to me by some friends who are autistic.

Onto the analysis! Starting with Donnie, there were a few traits I was able to identify that could work as OCD. He’s neat and organized, dislikes change, and hyperfixates on his work. He also had that chart to help him ask out April, which shows his need for preparation. However, his chart was in preparation for the sake of a goal, whereas for OCD the “preparation” is like preparing for a tragedy that will never exist. And the chart is being used to avoid social conflict as opposed to his own internal anxiety. These traits are not caused by a need to satisfy intrusive thoughts and compulsions, but are rather how he processes his environment better. Donnie would feel frustrated, off-kilter, and overwhelmed if his routines were messed with. Leo attaches more of a moral weight to the actions in his routines.

So that brings me to how Donnie shows signs of being autistic. He tends to explain things and volunteer information when the situation doesn’t call for it, and especially during dire situations. An interesting parallel is how in Rise of the TMNT, Donnie is canonically autistic; in the Rise Movie Donnie says, “Data collection calms me down.” In the season 2 finale of 2012, Donnie tells Leo that oversharing and being technical is “how I deal with stress!”

Donnie also stims, such as often sticking out his tongue when he works. He is also very particular about the layout of his stuff in his lab, and shows great distress when someone (Mikey) messes with his stuff. He doesn’t want to feel out of control of his environment in his own workspace. He also tends to take things literally, such as when Raph said “Could we pick a more cliche way to get eaten?” sarcastically, and Donnie proceed to list off actual cliches to Raph’s annoyance.

Finally, Donnie sometimes experiences sensory discomfort. When Mikey spilled “greasy popcorn” all over Donnie, Donnie was enraged, noting the fact that it was greasy in particular. Additionally, at a point where all the Turtles get sprayed with monster guts, Donnie’s initial reaction is to ask for hand sanitizer. While washing your hands and being clean is a common OCD trait, Donnie’s concern here is with because of the texture and germs associated.

Leo’s turn!

Okay so before we get to how 2012 Leo is OCD-coded, I want to point out that Leo actually definitely has OCPD in every version except for Rise and you can fight me on that. “Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is characterized by a pervasive preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and control (with no room for flexibility) that ultimately slows or interferes with completing a task;” Leo is consistently portrayed as being a controlling perfectionist. Additionally, “OCPD is a personality disorder, which means it involves personality traits that are stable, long-held, atypical, and problematic in some way. In the case of OCPD, people with this condition may find it hard to relate to others, and their devotion to perfectionism and rigid control can make it difficult to function.” This is Leo to a T. Others around him get annoyed with these traits in him, and these traits make up many of his definitive personality traits across the franchise. This side note aside, we may move on to OCD.

I am reiterating here that my purpose is to show how Leo’s themes as a character and in his story reflect those of obsessive-compulsive disorder and am seeking to analyze and educate based on that. I am not arguing that he canonically has OCD. That being said, his themes align best with the subtype of moral scrupulosity OCD, which has people obsess over the morality of their thoughts and actions and often seek outside help to distinguish the truth.

Some basics of Leo’s character that fit OCD themes: he has several episodes of panic, recurring nightmares about his worst fears, he’s controlling and a perfectionist, and thinks something bad will happen if he isn’t at his best and puts all that pressure on himself alone. People with OCD tend to believe that bad things happen because of certain things that they do or don’t do, regardless of how accurate that belief is (it is not an accurate belief). They also can seem oddly controlling to others as they try to gauge certain no-no actions from those around them. Additionally, in “Fungus Humongous,” Leo says, “I face my fear every day.” OCD is run by fear and paranoia, and we too face our fears every day. Fun fact: I like to watch “Parisitica” and “Fungus Humongous” when I’m feeling low because of how relatable I find Leo’s struggles in them.

FINALE SPOILERS: Finally, a symptom of OCD includes “Aggressive or horrific thoughts about losing control and harming yourself or others,” which I feel parallels in Mutant Apocalypse, when Leo attacks his family in a crazed state. He becomes just like the Shredder at this moment; a direct contradiction to his worst fear of losing them. He becomes double mutated because he chose to save his family over himself.

Examining now how Leo’s struggles line up with the morality theme, it’s like his brain is giving him ultimatums and black and white statements about ‘ok you have to be THIS or else THIS will happen.’ In a smaller scale, he would rather do training “right” than quickly, like in that scene where Leo’s doing his katas slower than his brothers and he makes a jab at them for their ‘poor’ form.’ Another interesting example comes with how he is consistently obsessed with finding and helping Karai throughout the series. He feels an intense sense of responsibility about it, even in situations when it really seems out of their hands, either because of wacky circumstances or because of her own actions. He says he's doing it for Splinter, but Splinter has already reassured him several times that he doesn't NEED to. His obsession conflicts with the interests of literally his entire family; it’s a situation that is linked with his morality. Leo is a very kind person who sees the best in people and wants to help them. Karai is his sister and his father’s daughter; he takes it as his personal responsibility to save her—a savior complex born from this obsession.

Now I wanna talk about Leo’s fears and where he turns to deal with them. OCD thrives off of people “Doubting and having difficulty tolerating uncertainty.” The next few sections includes major spoilers for the season 4 finale as well as talk of Main Character Death, so feel free to skip this section. Season 4’s space arc and events taking place after “Requiem” show intense examples of this for Leo. While a part of his actions here are likely due to ptsd and/or depression, it also parallels well with how OCD works.

Leo often goes to his father for advice. However, in the space arc when he’s separated from Splinter and in season 5 when Splinter is dead, Leo still has a need to seek advice and validation from his father. It is a response of grief, but it’s also his way of feeling like he’s getting guidance in a time when he doesn’t trust himself. This is similar to the reassurance-seeking compulsion, where someone with OCD goes to an outside source to entertain whatever thoughts the OCD has come up with, instead of just letting those thoughts go. Leo talking with Splinter practically every day via hologram in the space arc is his coping mechanism during that time, but even his brothers view it as excessive. It’s as if it’s the only thing tethering him during that time where he has little stability.

Additionally, ruminating is seen in the form of Leo constantly focusing on Splinter’s death, both in the space arc and post-“Requiem.” “OCD obsessions are repeated, persistent and unwanted thoughts, urges or images that are intrusive and cause distress or anxiety;” in “Trans-Dimensional Turtles” in the space arc, Leo is talking with the past version of Splinter and sees a vision of him being stabbed by the Shredder. This flashback is presented as something he is constantly thinking and worried about; very little else consumes his thoughts. The ptsd overlap once again occurs here, but I am pointing out that it is this sort of rumination that people with OCD experience often.

Finally, people with OCD “may try to ignore or stop [their] obsessions, but that only increases [their] distress and anxiety.” In the space arc, Leo is slowly being put through it, until he snaps near the end of the arc, going off on a suicide mission alone when he thinks they’ve been led astray by Fugitoid. No one in his family brought up their concerns for his mental well-being to him, and when not surrounded by his family he expressed his doubts and fears. But most of the time for those 6 months Leo spent in denial, singularly focused on their mission to save Earth and Master Splinter. It wasn’t until that vision was seemingly put in jeopardy that he finally snapped and acted reckless to the point of nearly dying. Leo simultaneously indulged in his obsessions while consciously ignoring their existence while in the presence of others, and that led to him being in great distress.

2012 Donnie is not at all a representation of obsessive-compulsive disorder past being the “smart character,” but he is a good representation of autism, whether intentional or not. Leonardo, while not explicitly being a character with OCD, does carry similar themes that make for a relatable OCD-coded character.

Here’s my contribution to OCD Awareness Week. You are now Aware.

Special Thanks:

@/sailor_the_robot on Insta for practically co-writing this with me. Much of this essay includes direct quotes from her.

@phoenixquill-art for her help as well with Donnie’s analysis!

@mej2235 for beta reading :3

Sources:

#tmnt #tmnt 2012 #ocd #autism #media analysis #leonardo hamato #tmnt leo #tmnt donatello #mental health #MCD mention #obsessive compulsive disorder #ocpd #ocd awareness week #Leo is the most ocd-coded character I’ve seen #also a joke that I’m not putting into the post #but under ‘causes of ocd’ it lists biology #so I went ‘it’s because he’s a turtle isn’t it’ /j

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