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#to find an excuse that makes my soul feel less guilt
ditttiii · 1 year
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the reigning reclusive caveman urge to not pick calls because you know its an invite to go out
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raelle-writing · 3 months
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I’ve been seeing so many complaints about Jin not having enough backstory and that he’s too flat, and I’m curious to know your thoughts. I personally think he’s very developed and believe that a character should be able to stand by their current actions without needing flashbacks to explain them.
We know that he is a kind and gentle person who held (and still holds) idealistic notions, and that he effed up real bad with taking the video, and has been feeling guilty and haunted ever since. We know that he develops feelings deeply for people but always makes sure that they reciprocate. We know that he doesn’t like uncertainty when emotions are involved and wants clear communication and has a bit of a jealous streak. We know that when placed in physically dangerous situations, he will jump in immediately to defend and help people. We know that he loves photography and honestly a lot can be explained by his having an artistic soul.
I guess a recent example I’ve seen of a character that’s very developed with absolutely no flashback backstory is Tong’s character Hong from ManSuang. Obviously very different context and character but I loved how much we knew about his essence as a character and person without needing scenes about his childhood and how he grew up.
Anyway sorry for the length, and thank you for your wonderful DFF thoughts and analyses!
Thank you for sending this ask 💕 I've been thinking a lot about this too, honestly. I have some mixed, complex thoughts lol so let me try and explain them.
Firstly, I agree with you that we get a lot of Jin throughout his actions. I fully disagree with people who say that Jin is flat, or that he doesn't have impact on the narrative, or that he's a side character. Jin's always been a very central main piece of the plot. He's the everyman, reacting to the bullying the way most average people would. Acting selfishly and selflessly by turns. He's the catalyst that drove them into the woods. He's the only person who feels guilt and carries the weight of the past (among the bullies). He tries to be a good person, and fucks up bad by turns.
And as you said, we get tons of personality from Jin throughout his actions. He's naive and idealistic. He associates sex and feelings strongly. He falls hard and fast. He lives in a large house but clearly has no one checking on him when he comes home late or brings a boy over to stay the night. He shows signs of emotional neglect and unhealthy attachments. He has fits of anger which lead him to do bad things he feels awful about for years afterwards.
He calls himself a coward but when faced with a weapon he jumps in front of it to try and protect his friends.
There are a lot of shadows to his character that paint a full picture, to me. I don't find his character to be flat at all, in fact Jin is still one of my favorite characters because of all of this.
However, I do understand why people are disappointed. Because while we do see large pieces of Jin's character, when you compare him to characters like Non and Tee, where we see their home lives and motivations in detail, Jin definitely looks flat in comparison. I was also hoping that we'd get insight into Jin's home life and learn why he is the way he is, like we did with some of the others. And we didn't (and won't) get that. And that's definitely disappointing.
Especially since today, in a Space on Twitter, Sammon said she regrets not writing Jin in more detail and she views that as a failing. I think that's one reason people are being so negative about Jin's character right now.
BUT, I personally think people are entirely overblowing it all. Jin is a very interesting, complex, gray, sympathetic character in so many ways, even if we don't get that extra layer of depth. Especially given that one of the reasons we have less of Jin is because he does less terrible shit within the narrative as some of the others, I'm a bit 🤷🏻‍♀️ about it all.
Anyway! Thanks again for the ask, it was a good excuse for me to actually formulate my thoughts!
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pinkpruneclodwolf · 7 months
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Ok, but what about a morgan Yuu who is still tonelico and has not yet lost complete hope. That when they inevitably go back to fairy Britain, they leave without a word to their friends. Once they figure out where they went they follow for answers.
However, once they get there they find that Yuu has become a completely different person. One whose cold and without that once bright hope shining in their heart. They join the fight to dethrone them because that's the only way to have a conversation and get answers, and hopefully snap them out of whatever is going on with them.
They never get that conversation. The next time they see them, it's Yuu's mutilated corpse that greets them.
They're crushed, but they get even more devastated when everything goes to hell and learn in detail what Yuu Morgan has done to keep this decaying hellhole alive. The guilt they would feel knowing that they contributed to their beloved friends brutal death, and the destruction of everything they bleed, cried, and broke themselves for.
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That is saur fucked up because like imagine bro imagine.
Imagine some stranger showing up, there's brightness in their eyes and that little hope they have shining brighter than any star in the sky. Imagine you fight alongside them, you learn to be friends with them, you study, you laugh, you joke, you argue—by the Gods you are friend and you'd lay down your life to defend them.
And then, like a wisp of smoke, they disappear. They leave, and the space in your friend group is so hollow your desperate to fill it with anything.
And you remember their promise. You remember what they told you about their world and you pray, and you hope against hope. And that wish, that soul squeezing wish is granted but its not the same because the monkey paw can never stop curling.
You're sent to a world where the horrors are insurmountable, you band together and all you can do is watch and scorn. Humans reduced to less than cattle, faeries who indulge upon themselves like debased creatures, watching the few of your allies get picked off one by one because the world aches for cruelty, aches to show you the worst side of itself with no preamble.
So you watch and you scorn. The people and its monarch. You watch and you scorn because what else can you do when you're witnessing the depths of base desires in its entirety, watching it consume them inside and out like a rot that only stems from deep within your soul.
Only to find out that the one person behind it all (Or so you believe) was the friend who you'd come to love, aged in ice, but still the friend who'd helped you through the hellish experience of emotions and magic blending into one agonizing episode.
This is the friend who reigns Supreme. So you scorn your friend, barely letting them get a word in because what excuse could you come up with when it comes to human cattle and fae tearing each other limb from limb over petty disputes that amount to nothing? What excuse?
So you fight against them, leaving wounded and hurt at the notion that this is what your friend had fought so desperately to return to, that this is the friend who spun tales about their world and how much they adored it. Of course, you're hurt and upset—desperate to tear down the hellish realm brick by brick.
So you fight the calamities, you watch as the one closest ally dies and watch as the abyss finally sheds it skin to reveal its gaping maw and all you see beforehand is their mangled corpse.
And you learn and you mourn, for their suffering, for their endurance, for people who wouldn't even bat an eye at tearing your heart out. Because why else would they endure it all if not to experience just a modicum of compassion even after death?
I hope you know that you are a DEEEPLY EVIL PERSON for making me ruminate on this like I actually feel sick to my stomach 😭😭😭 Morgan!Yuu stop suffering challenge...... [FAILED]
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fallingyams · 3 months
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A twisted wonderland fic??? From me???? Shocking. Oddly enough, I haven't written for this fandom even though I adore it, so I guess this is my first. Pardon any odd characterisation and all that.
*Spoilers for twst Book 6: Watchman of the Underworld*
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What it Means to Live
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Having a heart is... less than optimal.
It had been a lot easier back then, before any of this happened.
All he had to do was follow the programming that was built into him. It told him how to act and how to feel and how to best be Ortho Shroud, Idia's little brother.
Before the Island of Woe, there had been no room for questioning. No room for doubt.
No room for the odd bubble of illogical guilt wedged in his chest as he watched his brother work on his latest stroke of technomantic brilliance.
The silhouette of his brother's back teased at memories; memories that were and weren't his superimposed on each other until he couldn't tell where one ended and the next began.
Even with the wealth of databases and manuals and the world's most advanced AI system at his disposal, Ortho felt unequipped to make sense of his newfound emotions.
"Nii-san..." he didn't quite know how to broach the topic at all.
"Hmm? What is it, Ortho?" Sharply looking up, his eyes fell on Ortho sequestered in a corner of the room.
Ortho hadn't even been able to bring himself to fly over where he'd normally be eagerly peeking over his shoulder to watch his brother at work.
"Do you..." his logical systems were surely failing him, unable to find the words that he needed. "Do you ever wish that Ortho had come back instead of me?"
Because while he had been created in Ortho's stead, Idia had always made sure that he was set apart from his real brother.
He may have been given Ortho's memories and mannerisms, but it had never slipped his notice that he'd been programmed to call him "nii-san". A small detail, but surely a difference enough that Idia could always remember that it wasn't the real Ortho before him.
A technomantic humanoid; a mechanical replacement -
One who had accidentally grown a heart and soul.
And surely that stings; knowing that his brother could never return, having failed him again when he lost his chance to bring his brother back, and yet his robotic replacement had somehow gained a sentient soul.
He wonders if Idia resents the fact that Ortho's newfound life had come at the cost of his brother's soul?
"Huh? Whatd'ya mean by that, Ortho?"
They called it a miracle of technomantic engineering that he'd broken free of his programming.
But now, this change to his circuitry; this permanent bug in his system means that he'll never be able to be Idia's Ortho ever again.
He may look like Ortho Shroud, from his voice to his recreated wisps of hair, and he may possess some of Ortho's memories, but he's his own person now.
And he can't help but wonder if it would have been better if he could have had somehow switched places with the real Ortho so that his brother wouldn't have to be stuck with his replacement.
He hears Idia's question, but he has no idea how to articulate any of these thoughts swirling in his mind. (For someone with the most up-to-date language databases in the world, you'd think he'd be more eloquent than this.)
Idia's still looking at him with that puzzled tilt to his head, trying to figure out what he's trying to get at. And then like a plug snapping into a socket, his face lights up with understanding and a heart-wrenchingly soft grin worms its way onto his brother's face.
"Ortho did come back."
It's a smile reserved for the days when it's just the two of them. When they stay up late into the night waiting on a new game release together, when Idia collapses in bed after a week of all-nighters working on a new piece of technology and Ortho crawls in after him, or when they crack their heads trying to write an excuse for why Idia can't return for that family event that would involve him socialising with other big shots in the field of magical research.
It's a smile with soft eyes and sharp teeth that mirror the features on Ortho's face.
He may be built in Ortho's image, but... some of the memories with Idia are his too. His very own.
And when Idia awkwardly shuffles over to pat him on the head, the warmth of his brother's fingers seem to make him forget whatever it was that was plaguing him in the first place.
Maybe it doesn't matter whether he is or isn't Ortho Shroud.
Past or present, he's always been Idia's little brother.
"You came back, Ortho."
And maybe that's good enough.
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Thank u for dropping by agsjdhdk I rly have no idea where this came from but I hope you enjoyed it?? I just couldn't help thinking that having non-programmed emotions and newfound sentience would come with the problem of like... learning to make sense of them idk
kthxbye.
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thenexusofsouls · 4 months
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would you say Tony blames others in order to escape consequence? I'm asking based on an ikau test result for Carter but her mun has said at times that Carter is the same person at her core in every verse, so I wonder if after being raised by Tony (who is one of my favorite MCU characters but let's face it, nothing in this life allows you to escape consequence more than money does) she has learned to escape consequence in every verse simply because she can (or by watching Tony).
{i am the caretaker of souls} Hmm... this is an interesting question! Certainly, people with wealth and/or power unfortunately live differently with regard to comeuppance and consequence socially, legally, culturally, etc. So having money, privilege, and a dad who can get her out of basically any jam she finds herself in might in turn shape Carter's own habits and practices with regard to what she does to escape consequences herself. It's certainly possible, though I can't speak for Carter's mun on that topic.
As for Tony, I know as far as I write him, he tends to blame others for different reasons depending on the circumstances involved. He shifts blame to others as an excuse or explanation for why he is the way he is (e.g. that he learned from his father or it's because his father was the type of father he was that he turned out this way) or when there's a lot of guilt involved (e.g. saying that someone else started it first, did far worse/more than he did, or made him do what he did). In the first case, he's removing his own responsibility for his actions by saying well it's not my fault, I was raised in a screwed up way, so naturally I'm screwed up too. In the second case, he's trying to minimize his involvement or the intensity of what he's done because he feels badly for deaths of injuries of others that it may have caused.
Tony very often will use indirect or ambiguous language when he feels guilty about something or knows he's done something wrong that he'd having trouble facing. For example making everyone on the team collectively feel badly about all the disasters caused by the Avengers as the Sokovia Accords are coming into play because he couldn't properly or openly deal with the guilt and sorrow he felt at being confronted by a mother over the death of her son.
And I feel like that just an important nuance to mention, that Tony doesn't necessarily use language or do things to minimize or avoid consequence because he's trying to get away with something, but rather it's usually tied in with his inability to healthily process negative emotions like sadness, grief, guilt, awkwardness, shame, or anger. In his mind, if he can minimize the consequences for himself, or if he can make it seem like he played only one role or a minor role among many, then it minimizes the wrongs done also. It makes him feel less guilty, sad, ashamed, etc., which in turn makes him feel better and the negative emotions less intense. He doesn't even realize he's doing it, it's something that he's developed subconsciously throughout his life as an emotional defense mechanism... just like using humor to break up tense moments.
But I think the reason why he's able to do this for himself and his own emotional health as far as minimizing the consequences of his actions is because of his power, wealth, and privilege. Without that, the consequences of his actions might not be so easily dismissed, minimized, or clandestinely dealt with on a regular basis, and therefore he would not have been able to develop that sort of thinking as an emotion defense because it wouldn't have been an option readily available for him to use.
@starcchild
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cassurrjoybell-30 · 4 months
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Howling Love - Chapter 23
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*Warning Adult Content*
Camryn Summer
"Hey duck-face," I greeted my mate as he turned to face me with a smile, it was a reassurance that he was okay, he was healing,.
I couldn't mistake that familiar glow he had around him that drew me in and made my wolf yip happily in my head.
He was absolutely whipped with our mate and honestly I was too, even more so, he was just perfect.
I had been so scared when I thought I had lost him, terrified when he wouldn't wake up and each day after he woke up and his progress in healing showed.
I had a sense of relief more and more, he was alright.
I would always make sure he was alright.
He had been in the infirmary for two weeks, he could've been discharged earlier but I convinced him otherwise so he could heal without too much fuss and I was glad he agreed, it put me at ease much more, even his dad agreed.
"So he's the only one you see in here worth greeting," Carter glared lightly and I chuckled rubbing the back of my neck.
"Sorry but he's just, he's my all and hello Carter," I replied sheepishly as Carter awed.
"You two are just too cute and I forgive you Camryn," he retorted as I came over to sit next to my giggling mate.
Carter had decided to stay until my mate was okay and to make sure Calvin was too, he had also wanted to find out who poisoned Calvin in the first place, whether he's found out or not, he hasn't told anyone yet.
"I'll give you two a minute and Camryn, I'll need a word alone later," he mentioned and I nodded.
Carter was blindingly beautiful.
I hadn't met many wolves I could say were like that except my mate of course but when I told him, he wouldn't believe me but that didn't matter, I would always be grateful to him, as he left I turned to my mate and closed the space between us, kissing the daylight out of him, it left me feeling elated and him blushing madly.
"My beautiful strong mate, how has your day been?" I questioned grabbing my bag and taking out his favourite food and snacks.
[It just got better, now that you're here] he replied in his language causing me to grin but....
"I would be here all day if someone didn't force me to go back to work and to school," I stated and he scoffed.
"Just because my life is slightly on hold, doesn't mean yours has to be," he argued and I nodded.
He was right, I would worry less about him if I was occupied but I had proven to myself that despite being occupied with the pack, school and the shop, he was always on my mind, always.
"You're right but today you get discharged. I asked your dad if I could stay with you guys for a few days, until you're completely back on your feet," I told him and he narrowed his eyes on me.
[You just want an excuse to be close to me. I am back on my feet] he argued and I knew my face was showing all my guilt in getting caught, he was right, it was just an excuse to get close and be close until my wolf was okay with the distance.
"Guilty but I would still make sure to get close duck-face," I told him and he chuckled leaning in to kiss me.
I didn't know if I could survive without these kisses.
[Come, have something to eat with me, I can't finish all this on my own,  you bought a lot] he signed with a knowing smirk on his lips and yes.
I had bought enough to eat with him, I was guilty of that too.
So we ate together as I told him about my day and he told me about his.
I couldn't resist not taking in every detail of his face, his body, he mesmerized me in a lot of ways and since he woke up.
He had decided to let his curls grow and that in itself elicited a burning need with my wolf to lick him, mark him and have him be ours body and soul but I had to wait, until we were both ready for that plunge.
A knock on the door alerted us to Carter's return with all our friends in tow, he was giggling and I could see the blush on Teja as he walked behind him.
"Aww, look at you two, heart warming," Max stated as she came over and hugged my mate then myself.
"Sup man, my favourite cousin," Teja greeted me then practically threw himself on my mate, snuggling next to him.
"You're such a child," Max commented as Amille and Teja were set in a conversation.
"Camryn that word, sweetheart, I already signed your discharge forms, your dad will be here soon to get us home, so get ready," Carter instructed as both my mate and I nodded.
I placed a kiss on his lips before getting up to follow Carter but not without helping him stand which he just shook his head at.
I couldn't help it and I was glad he understood.
"Why do I feel like you're about to give me great news and horrible news," I spoke first and Carter snickered.
"Maybe but it's not all bad," he replied as we found ourselves outside in the small park next to the infirmary.
"Camryn I'm just going to say it, you and Amille need to mate, sooner than later, I know you're not ready or you are and maybe Amille is too but you won't know until you do, as you know I'm a gifted wolf, I feel more than what others feel, see more," he began explaining and I held myself from questioning him until he was done, so I nodded.
"Your wolf according to Amille is monstrous and I had the privilege of seeing it as well and true to that, it is, maybe it's fate or the Moon Goddess I don't know but you and Amille being brought together wasn't mere coincidence. When Calvin adopted him, he was just a babe, a wolf pup we thought would turn at thirteen but he never did and he never had a voice, which led us to thinking he was human but that's not the case. Amille has wolf blood, blue blood to be specific, it's how wolfsbane burns him but not as much as us and his resilience is far much more than any human could have."
My words were stuck in my throat but did Amille know. What did this mean for us? what was it that was wrong?
"I told Amille a couple of days ago and he revealed to me that his dad had told him before about him not being human but rather wolf blood and he had taken the news pretty well but what I'm getting at is in order to fully grasp what's in his blood he needed a strong wolf mate, one that could potentially give him his voice and somehow we get to know or he gets to know what his blood gift is," Carter concluded and I nodded.
I wasn't dumb enough not to know what he was getting at.
We had many cases in the pack where one mate had a physical impairment and when they mated and marked each other, the impairment was healed.
So if I were to fully mate with Amille, there was a possibility that he would be healed and have his voice, this was great news.
"I know right?" Carter suddenly chimed in reminding me of his own gift, he could tell how I felt.
"That's not all. I haven't told anyone yet but I needed you to be prepared for it. I'm sure you're aware about your dad and Calvin's past and I'm sure it's apparent to everyone that they are still in love despite your dad being mated to your mom, sometimes the Moon Goddess makes mistakes, accept that and most of the times she's a great match maker."
We both chuckled and I nodded for him to continue.
"Your mom isn't exactly thrilled with this and I'm sure you know that too and it might lead her to do some unsavoury things..." he added and my mind clicked on one thing, she couldn't have.
She wouldn't dare but my mother could, she very much could.
"I need you to promise me not to rush over there and accuse her of anything. Everything will come to light on it's own but I needed you well prepared for it," he asserted and I nodded reeling my mind away from all the bad thoughts.
My mate and wolf were a great help to that.
"Thanks Carter," I whispered and he hugged.
"Oh sweetheart, it's not easy I know but you'll be fine, everything will be okay trust me," he muttered and I sighed hugging him back, feeling a sense of peace set in my bones.
After we talked a bit more, we made our way back into the infirmary as pack enforcers who were also part of Bridgeton police were leaving my mates room, it made me wonder why they were here.
"They were questioning Amille about the incident at the party. Your dad reported the incident and urged them to take action," Carter explained as we walked in, he was brilliant, I guess it was easier for him to discern a lot of things being an empath but I didn't envy him, feeling what others felt could be a burden.
[All done] the familiar voice of my mate's cell-phone called out reminding me of what Carter had told me, so I took the first step as I stood next to him.
"Wanna go on a date with me, just us like always?" I whispered and he nodded with an excited smile, I was about to lean down and kiss him as...
"Whoa, whoa, not with dad in the room," his dad walked in making everyone laugh.
"Come on all of you, let's go, especially you two," he ordered as Amille and I laughed following everyone out.
"Finally out of there, how does it feel?" I asked my mate who was still grinning.
[Great] he replied as I lifted him onto my back and we both left happier than ever.
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march-26 · 8 months
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I really did put my heart, tears, and soul into your anniversary present, I know I didn't have a lot of time with you then and we were slowly drifting apart as during that time you stopped coming home and most of our time would be spent on the phone or video chatting the days we could but I still kept so much of my love for you alive, I was still fighting for your hand..
I poured everything into this gift to show you what you really meant to me, and as a chance to just do things right this time, because around this time I'd be moving out, I got my independence, I knew I was transitioning into a new part of my life and I wanted you to be a part of that so badly.
and it worked in that moment, you read it, you cried, especially when you saw the pages I dedicated to you and your son, we smow danced to Elvis Presley as i gently sang to you, we kissed, and that night ended with you telling me you wanted to give everything a little more time.. and that meant the world to me, because finally, I felt like we could really give our relationship the time and nurturing it had deserved..
but over time, the situation got too much for you, you were having panic attacks and seizures because of the guilt and I knew it was destroying you even more than it was before.. so I layed with you that one night to have a heart to heart and just asked you again to really chose this time what you wanted to do.. you had slept on it but that morning you would chose him..
I was shattered of course, I felt my life around me slowly crumble away, everything I was fighting for, everything I had put myself through was for nothing I felt like.. but in those moments you would promise me a lot of things, like our friendship, our love, sleep overs and hangouts and for a time we'd do these things, but little by little you started drifting away from me more and more to the point where you started to stop talking to me and blocking me again, and through all of that I became very confused and hurt.. and again I understood but at the same time my heart got the better of me.
but still you'd come into my orbit and we would share moments and it was enough for us to just find balance between us, where we both could really manage ourselves so that neither one of us was getting hurt. The thing is however, I had to experience and feel you pull more and more away from me, I had to experience you calling me less and less, and that was okay because no matter what I was thankful for your calls, you have no idea the difference it made in my day.. what hurt the most though was that I had to go through you stop telling me you loved me, or days where I would say it and you didn't say it back and would say bye and hang up.. I was always thankful for the random moments you did tell me though.. it had let me know that you still did have love for me.
I mean this sincerely, I really was happy Elizabeth, with what we created during these times, I loved and cherish your phone calls and just being able to talk to one another i wrote down everything that was going on with me and i couldn't wait for our long calls to just tell you everything, I was content, yes I felt lonely, yes I'd get sad over certain things but I was still moving forward I was still finding different ways to make myself happy , to not be attached, to be able to both move on, but still be present in your life. but again, my feelings recently got the better of me, and moving into this new apartment has brought on so many emotions back as I'm still adjusting to more change, and I know that's no excuse but some days are just easier for me than others mentally and emotionally.
#P3
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notmuchtoconceal · 9 months
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i don't want to say jordan peterson is a guilty pleasure, because i don't feel any guilt about finding him useful. why should i feel guilty? he's a man who thinks in ways similarly to me, using his platform to help me.
i know he's a crypto-reactionary. crypto? i know he's a reactionary. he's better than most american fundamentalists, in that he doesn't deny key tenants of observable reality, but ultimately he thinks daddy should be in charge, and it's daddy's duty to propagate the nuclear family.
he admitted figuring out how to monetize trans-hysteria on joe rogan.
he's clearly an asshole.
yet, he's also an asshole who's a soft-spoken academic.
you have to understand, this man possesses the same dual-nature as me. we are of a type. we are organisms who process reality in similar ways. i had an aversion to jungian archetypes as quasi-mysticism, despite being an unconscious practicing magician my entire life, and listening to a psychological professional talk about how fairy tales are emblematic of structures of the unconscious, and how yes -- my conscious mind was hijacked by a social constructivist agenda which outright denied my male body had any bearing on my thinking.
it was absurd how casually brainwashed i was by route academic and social pressures because, at some point, i just collapsed and got swept up in the wave of mediocrity. i was mentally-ill and gay and felt lonely and like i had no community, and like my manhood was shameful.
jordy p's got his own brainwashing to contend with.
we think similarly, but i also have my own experiences.
i have what seems to be the rare ability to listen to people, pick out the pits of information i find useful, or apply to me, integrate those into a personalized ethical and aesthetic system, then disregard the material i find problematic or less than useful.
not to brag.
my assumption was most people did this.
yet, because jordy p is playing to the ideological wrestling ring, he knows how to cultivate disciples, and trigger his opponents to hype him up.
the thing is, tho -- because we think so similarly, it's mostly my sense of personal integrity that keeps me where I am ideologically, because I think -- yes, I have friends I care about who are gay, and even if I can find psychological help from a reactionary (as he knows the problems of masculinity I'm facing, my masculinity being irrefutably informed by my hormones and my physiology) I myself will only become a reactionary if -- for whatever reason -- the people I cared about leapt to assumptions, manufactured the fear I would betray them, that I was just "one of them" "all along" and that "nobody was safe" -- in other words, if people don't want to listen to my legitimate concerns -- can't bare hear my pain because they think i'm making excuses or blaming -- cause they're positive I'm bad from the start, or manipulating them, well -- forgive me if I stop feeling loved and start to wonder if our friendship was only an alliance of convenience or a pretense for you to fetishize the white male body I have you can't seem to stop obsessing over, to the point where now -- sure. maybe there are indo-european conqueror genes. maybe europeans are magic. i don't fuckin know. i think the body is secondary to the soul, and a person's mind matters more than their genitals.
are we done?
you have to ask yourself, bro -- on a fundamental level
do I think men are predators?
i think men lean towards the hunter part of the hunter/gatherer spectrum, but is all hunting predation? is shopping not a form of hunting? does every animal need to know how to kill if it's not built to flee? did a man just hurt you and now you think all men?
can you not tell individual men apart?
are all men the same to you?
do you have a conformity fetish?
please, stop being so stupid.
i am so, so sick of you being this stupid, bro.
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astro-rain · 3 years
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delicate; b.barnes
chapter twenty - “collateral damage”
delicate masterlist
word count: 2k
synopsis: bucky and y/n deal with the emotional fallout of her departure from wakanda.
pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader
warnings: mildly suggestive content, nothing explicit, 18+ readers please.
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The flight home was wretched. Sleeping on the jet was impossible. Every time she shut her eyes she saw his face. If her mind did somehow manage to drift off to sleep, Y/N dreamed of him and woke up trying not to rip her hair out.
"We can still stay in contact, right?" Bucky asked as they were walking back from the waterfall.
They had left their catharsis by the water, still upset, but now calmer and more logical.
"I don't think so..."
"What? Why? It's not like we don't have the technology to do it."
"I know, but.." Y/N trailed off, trying to think of a sensible excuse.
Obviously they could stay in contact if they wanted. But any kind of phone call would be able to be tracked or recorded. That, and she didn't want him to hang on to someone who betrayed him. She couldn't imagine the guilt she'd have hearing Bucky's "I miss you's" or "Baby doll's" from miles away, knowing she lied to him.
"You don't even have a phone..."
"That's an easy problem to fix."
"I know... I just think you should focus on the rest of your healing, and... you know, I'll have a lot of work once I get back...." she took a breath. "I don't know if it's super healthy for us to cling on to each other when it... may be better to move on..."
"Move on?"
"Yeah..."
Bucky stopped walking and turned to face her. They both stood still and he stared at her, confused, as if he was trying to figure something out. He knew her well. She was scared he'd see right through her.
"So let me get this straight. When you're here we can talk all the time and... plenty of other things. But when you're away we can't even call each other?"
"Bucky..."
"That's not all, is it?"
She sighed. "I'm just... worried... about- like-... getting in trouble. If someone overhears or tracks a phone call...What if someone finds out where the 'Winter Soldier' is and comes here to exact revenge?"
That was partly true. She'd never want anyone bad to find out where he was. But no one was tracking her phone calls; she wasn't really a person of interest. In all likelihood, it probably wasn't something she'd have to be terribly worried about.
However, if anyone overheard or saw Bucky on the phone, they'd know it was her, and she doubted anything she could say would convince them that she didn't tell him about the arm.
Or maybe no one would find out. She just didn't want to take the chance. The last time she took a chance, this happened. She wasn't willing to do it again.
He stared at her with dejected eyes. "You know you don't have to worry about me. I'll be okay."
She rested her hands on his forearms and laughed sadly. "Bucky, I don't think I'm ever not gonna worry about you."
He was already in her heart. She didn't think he could leave now.
He let his eyelids fall shut. "I really don't want you to go."
She closed her eyes as well and let her forehead rest against the top of his chest.
"I know. I'm sorry. I don't want to leave you either. But you're gonna do so well, even without me. And every day I'll wake up and think 'wow this man is sexy and has good coping mechanisms! I wish I was him!'"
In the midst of his sadness, she made him laugh. It was a despondent, quiet laugh, but she managed to lift his mood all the same - even if just a little bit. She'd always make everything better.
He gazed down at her, eyes heavy, and without even thinking about it... "I love you."
She looked down at the grass below her feet. "Buck..."
"I do. I'm sorry but I do."
She wrapped her arms around the middle of his back, pressing her face into the crook of his neck. He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her in tight, one arm up her back and the other cradling her head.
In the tiniest whisper, she let the truth flow out from her chest. "I love you, too."
The clouds provoked her, so peaceful and quiet, while her head was a big, loud mess. Y/N leaned her head on the window, glaring at them and wondering if she should've said what she did. That she loved him. Internally, she debated whether or not it would make things worse. But she wasn't going to see him again; she might as well have left him with the truth.
Time was lost to her. She thought she would be landing soon, but she couldn't be sure. She couldn't be sure of anything anymore.
-
Bucky sat at the lake - their lake - and just stared into the water. It felt so strange to him, that she was gone. One minute she was here and now he was just... alone.
It was so quiet. Too quiet. Of course being alone was quiet, but after Y/N left, the air just felt empty.
He wished he could talk to her. Whenever he was upset, all he wanted to do was talk to her.
"So, is this... d-do we say goodbye now?" he asked when they got back to his hut.
"Yeah..." she sighed. "yeah."
"Are you going back to Europe?"
"Yes. Belgium. Haven't been in my apartment in forever."
"Belgium," he wondered. "It's nice there. Safe. What are you gonna do for work?"
"Probably just continue where I left off on my research. Fancy brain stuff, ya'know?"
He grinned, proud. "My smart girl."
She looked around her, as if watching for something. Or someone.
"Buck, I think I have to go now."
"Just one more minute? Please. I wanna remember you like this. Not sad and crying."
Y/N smiled, grabbed his hands, and kissed his knuckles. Both flesh and metal. Because they were both part of him and she loved him. All of him.
Then, she placed both his hands on either side of her face. Softly she said, "remember me like this," before bringing their lips together.
He looked down at his vibranium arm, twisting his wrist to watch how the plates whirred.
Since the first moment he put it on, he had been using it to be gentle, loving, and affectionate. This arm was good. This arm wasn't used for death and destruction and violence.
With this arm he held her, kissed her, loved her. And now she was gone. And now it felt like dead weight.
— ONE WEEK LATER —
Whenever Bucky looked at his bionic arm he saw her. It began to make him sad.
His hair had been getting longer and longer. He could cut it now, now that he had two arms. But every time he tried, all he could do was stare at the arm and hear her voice in his head.
"That's your heart. That's you. You're all heart, Buck. You're so deeply, wonderfully human. All the way to your bones."
That was the first time he expressed real distress about missing a limb, he recalled. That was the first time they kissed. Funny how that transition was made, funny how she could remedy some of his worst emotions.
His days were boring and uneventful and nearly silent. He sat alone a lot. There was no laughter anymore, none of her laughter. There was no more holding, no more kissing, no more loving. The arm just felt... wrong? Like what it was born from had died.
-
In Belgium, Y/N felt incredibly uncomfortable. She knew she just needed to adjust to the change, after getting to used to life in Wakanda - life with Bucky. Her vacant apartment didn't feel as homey.
It had been, what, a year and a half? About a year and a half since she had been home. About a year and a half spent with Bucky.
Her apartment seemed so... barren. Void of life. And cold. She was used to the Wakandan heat. When she closed and locked the door behind her, she looked at the golden square that the sun cast through her window. It reminded her of that heat.
Y/N sighed, cursing her very own hippocampus for providing her with memory.
"God, I wish you had an AC in here."
She was in his bed. Well, she was on top of him, straddling him, in his bed.
"Is it hot or is it just you?" he joked, poking at her sides and trying to not pout at the loss of her lips.
"Ha. Ha," she rolled her eyes and brought her face back to his.
"Wait," Bucky said and gently pulled her face away to examine it. "You are a little warm."
"It's okay," she quickly tried to resume their previous activity.
"Hold on-" he got cut off as Y/N kept pecking his lips over and over.
"I have-"
Kiss.
"An idea-"
Kiss.
Lightly he pushed her shoulders away, nearly giggling. "Stop it! Just wait a second!"
Bashful, she conceded. "What?"
"Just-" he reached out and put the vibranium hand on her forehead, effectively cooling her down a bit. She closed her eyes and flashed a goofy smile.
"That feels nice."
Then, suddenly, he wrapped both his arms around her back and flipped them over so that he was on top. He smirked.
"Oh yeah, you just wait."
She hung her keys up and took a deep breath, absorbing the emptiness. This was her new normal; she just had to get used to it.
-
"I just- I don't really... I don't think I need it," Bucky tried to explain.
Want it, he thought. I don't want it. I can't stand to even look at it.
"You don't need it?" Shuri asked.
"Yeah, it-uh it takes a bit of getting used to and I think I just need a break. And I wouldn't want to damage it so... figured it's better with you."
He was better at lying than he gave himself credit for.
"Okay," Shuri accepted his answer and began to detach the bionic arm. "But you let me know if it's uncomfortable or painful anywhere so I can adjust it. Alright?"
"Alright. Thank you."
Finally he was rid of it- that cursed metal weighing down on his soul. Maybe now he could focus on other things. Maybe. It didn't seem likely...
However, as the days drew closer, it did make him slightly - only slightly -  less nervous about the trigger word experiment. Now he didn't have a weapon attached to him. Though he reckoned he was the weapon.
No. He wasn't supposed to think like that. He knew Y/N wouldn't want him to. He knew she would say something like, "You aren't what they tried to make you into. You're you and all HYDRA's awfulness can't change the good at your core. My Bucky. You're perfect."
He'd deny to high heavens that he was the farthest thing from perfect. Bucky had no clue how she could say such things. But her conviction never faltered.
Soon enough the day came. The experiment. All he could think about was how she was supposed to be there. He didn't want to do this without her.
But now, he found himself sitting at at a fire on some mountain with one of the Doras. It was dark and it was scary. He was scared.
"It is time," said Ayo.
Nevermind want. He wasn't sure if he could do this without her.
"Are you sure about this?"
"I won't let you hurt anyone."
He was still scared. He still didn't trust himself. But, staring into the fire, he thought back to a past conversation.
"You don't have to trust yourself. That's hard enough as it is and Hydra didn't make it any easier. You just trust me, alright? ... And I will not let anything happen to you."
Bucky didn't have to trust himself. He just had to trust her. Even if she wasn't here, even if she was on another continent, all he had to do was trust her. When Ayo began reciting the trigger words, that was the one thing thing he held onto. The one thing that kept him afloat.
His trust in her.
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javier-pena · 3 years
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Chapter 1 of The Hunt
Pairing: Din Djarin x fem!reader
Word Count: 4.4k
Rating: Mature (for now but that will - spoilers! - change eventually)
Summary: When your best friend and companion is abducted by a group of outlaws, you hire a Mandalorian to help track down the men and get your revenge. What seems like a simple enough task stretches into a month-long trek through inhospitable terrain while both you and the Mandalorian are trying to come to terms with events in your past you cannot change. Set after Season 2.
Warnings: mentions (and short descriptions) of death, murder, and torture | a lot of hurt and no comfort | mentions of loss | mild to moderate language | a lot - and I mean A LOT - of talk about Din’s hands lmao
Notes: This is my first attempt at a Mandalorian fic and the first time in months I’ve written anything. It’s vaguely inspired by my favorite western movies, True Grit (1969/2010), The Quick and the Dead (1995), and The World to Come (2020). So yes, this is going to be very much like a western. I also want to - again - thank Dani @javierpcna​ who was like “are you writing Mandalorian stuff?” about a month ago and has, since then, read through this chapter more often than me and encouraged me to continue to write it and offered so much valuable insight whenever I came to her with an idea ... seriously, Dani, this fic wouldn’t exist without you and I hope I can find a way to repay you! Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this first chapter (I’m already working on the second one) ...
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The day the Mandalorian arrives on Alvorine is the day you lose your best friend. You’re still busy putting out the fire, running your soot-blackened hand across your face, where the dirt mingles with the tears you’re too tired to stop from streaming down your face, when you hear the thrusters of a spacecraft roaring above you. You barely glance up; you can’t be bothered to. It could be the remnants of the Empire looking for recruits, it could be the New Republic looking for the remnants of the Empire, or it could be the bandits coming back for more. But what do you care? They already took away the one person you care most about in the galaxy. You just grip the shovel tighter and drive it into the soil so you can choke the fire underneath moist stones and dirt.
While you exhaust your body with physical labor, you occupy your mind with thoughts of revenge. Revenge as dark and quenching as the soil beneath you. With every load of dirt you heave onto the searing flames, your plan gains another sharp edge until all you can think of is driving the cutting edge down onto the throat of the man who gripped Brea’s arm and pulled her onto the speeder bike. Maybe his head would come off right away, maybe your tool would just obstruct his windpipe as you watch the life drain slowly out of his eyes. And even that would be too good an end for that monster.
It’s not just in your mind – those thoughts aren’t simply there to ground you while you continue your work in the ruins of what was once your home. It’s not pure fantasy, something to give you back a feeling of control. You are determined to follow through on it; you are going to hunt down these men who burned down your farm and stole Brea from you. You will not rest until they are all dead by your hand. And if you should die in the process … then you won’t go out without a fight, without taking as many of those bastards with you as you can. They have sealed their own fate by coming here today.
You know Brea isn’t dead; they won’t kill her unless she tries to kill one of them first. And she wouldn’t do that, she is too gentle for that, too docile. She would rather turn the other cheek. They should have taken you instead; she doesn’t deserve the fate that awaits her. You would’ve at least put up a fight, make them pay for what they did. And Brea? She would just die.
For now, she’s alive. But whatever you set out to do once you’re done here won’t be a rescue mission. You aren’t under the illusion you can save her. You know that even if you were to leave right now, even if you had your own speeder bike, you would never find her in time. No, this possibility hasn’t even crossed your mind. All you want to do is cause these men more pain than they caused you. You know it is impossible because you cannot imagine anything worse, but you sure as hell will do your best.
You straighten your back, drive the shovel into the ground, and use it as support while you try to catch your breath. The air burns in your lungs, and not just from the cold. There is also the steadily rising black smoke that makes breathing hard; your throat stings, so do your sides, and there is a bitter taste in your mouth. But you’re almost finished here, you’re almost done putting out the fire, so it won’t endanger the surrounding forest. And with every flame you bury, you also bury a piece of your soul until you feel like there is nothing left that makes you human, until all the pain and despair you’re feeling since listening to Brea’s screams grow quieter and quieter until they were swallowed up by silence has turned into a cold, brazen cry for revenge. But you’re glad this has made you less forgiving, less kind, less … human. Those things would only get in the way of the task ahead of you.
As the last flames go out with a wet hiss, one of Alvorine’s three blue white suns vanishes behind the treetops. You know the other two will be quick to follow. And you don’t have anywhere to spend the night. You wouldn’t mind sleeping with your back propped against a tree. You’ve done it often enough. But it’s winter, and the air is already cold and will be even colder once the other two suns set too. And you just lost every blanket, every single piece of fabric that could keep you warm in a small inferno. You know this is just an excuse, a comforting lie you tell yourself. The truth is you cannot spend a minute longer on this clearing, even if that means you have to walk the four miles to the next settlement. You’re so exhausted you cannot feel your legs, but you don’t care. Anything is better than spending the night here, even collapsing in the middle of the dark forest.
You leave the shovel where you stand and walk to the edge of the clearing, swallowing around the lump in your throat, trying to hold down more tears that are threatening to spill over and down your cheeks. Once you reach the edge of the forest, where the air is a bit clearer, you take a deep breath and turn around to look at the ruins of your home, now nothing more than a black pile of rubble. You have nothing, nothing but the clothes you’re wearing, not even a small trinket to remind you of Brea and the many happy hours you spent here tending to your fields, sweeping the front porch or sitting around the fireplace sharing supper. Even remembering how you worked on menial chores now feels like the most precious memory, one you will hold onto until your last breath. Because even though they have taken everything from you, they can’t take away the memory of Brea’s laugh.
***
They stare at you as you enter the inn. They stare and then look away. They can’t bear your presence because it reminds them of their own guilt. Not one of them came to your aid this morning, not one of them came afterwards to offer help. And you ignore them too because there is nothing left to say. All you want is some food and a dry place to sleep before you turn your back on them forever.
You sit down at a small table in a dark corner. The patrons around you either turn their backs to you or stand up to move their meals and conversations someplace else. It’s as if you’ve been marked. If you had any strength left in you, you would call them out on their behavior. Shit, you would wreak havoc, and only stop when the last one of them is on their knees begging for forgiveness. But you’re glad you’re too exhausted because your sudden hatred for everyone and everything scares you. The villagers don’t deserve to fall victim to your rage. There is nothing they could’ve done. They are just as defenseless and helpless as you. Would you have come to their aid if your positions were reversed? You would like to think so, but just because it gives you a false sense of moral superiority. Deep down you know the truth. Deep down you know you would hide too, praying that you would be spared.
As you dig into your bowl of soup, you realize how hungry you are. Even though everything tastes like ash in your mouth, your stomach is glad to have something to clench around when your thoughts stray to this morning’s events again. And you know there’s no need to punish yourself by refusing your body the nourishment it needs. The opposite, in fact – you know you’ll need all the strength you can get if you’re really going after them.
As you swallow one ashy bite after the other, you let your eyes wander around the room, looking for something that will distract you from your thoughts and your feelings of guilt. Everyone avoids your gaze; everyone acts as if your corner is empty. Everyone … except one stranger.
He sits in a booth close to the bar, his arms crossed over his chest, his gaze on you. Or at least you think he’s looking at you – he’s wearing a helmet that covers his entire head, the kind you’ve seen twice before in this corner of the galaxy. He’s a Mandalorian, a bounty hunter, and his presence here doesn’t really surprise you. Even though actually seeing one is a rare occurrence, stories about them are countless.
Alvorine is a planet without laws, a planet that lives by its own rules, so many criminals decide to hide out here while they wait for their crimes to be forgotten. There is no military presence on the planet, no judicial system, no one to catch and punish the wrongdoers. The planet follows the rules of whoever is in charge, which changes frequently, but none of the powerful people have enough resources to enforce those rules anyway. Disputes are often just settled by the parties involved in whatever way they see fit. Only the Mandalorians, who are hired by people on other worlds, by people who have never experienced what it is like to live on Alovrine, are brave enough to get involved in those disputes. You have to admit you do feel a tiny bit curious as to why that particular Mandalorian is here ... who hired him? And who is he hunting?
You tentatively let your gaze wander over his stoic body, over the beskar covering his arms and chest, over the bandolier wrapped around his upper body, over the visor hiding his eyes. If you had one like him on your side, you wouldn’t need to worry about getting your revenge. He would catch those men in the blink of an eye. And if you paid him enough, he would do to them whatever you wanted.
He would cut off their limbs but keep them alive long enough to feel it.
He would make them run for it, give them the illusion of hope, only to crush it like their bones.
He would let you watch, let you choose whatever punishment you saw fit.
You shift in your seat because you can almost smell the blood, you can hear a faint echo of their screams, and it makes you feel light-headed and nauseous, but also elevates you, lifts a weight off your shoulders, even if just for a brief moment.
But he’s not here to do your bidding. And when you lift your head again, he’s gone.
You finish your bowl of soup and then decide to rent a room upstairs for the night. You don’t have a place to stay anymore and it’s too dangerous to start your pursuit while it’s dark. The forest belongs to dangerous creatures during the night, more dangerous than any man out there. And you’re planning on staying alive for just a little while longer.
You stretch and yawn and move to get up when your path is suddenly blocked. It happens so fast you don’t register anything at first apart from the cold, hard beskar chest plate that is level with your face. Its unexpected appearance makes you lose your balance and you fall back down onto the bench you’ve been sitting on. The Mandalorian extends his hand, his fingers closing around thin air. It’s a half-hearted attempt to stop your fall, and it comes too late – your backside has already painfully collided with the hard wood.
“May I join you?” His voice sounds distorted through the modulator in his helmet. He sounds like a machine, not like a being with a heartbeat.
You want to tell him no, want to tell him to fuck off, but for tonight you have no fight left in you. So you nod.
He sits down and you expect to hear the clink of his armor, expect to feel a tremor when his heavy body comes to rest on a stool opposite you. But there is no sound, no movement, and the lack makes you sit up straighter. This isn’t just another cowardly villager you can get rid of by glaring at him … this is an apex predator.
You swallow with some difficulty. “Can I help you?” you ask, your voice level, your eyes resting on his glove-clad hands lying on the table. You figure you’re safe as long as you can see them.
At first, he doesn’t say anything. He just looks at you. Or at least you think he’s looking at you. You cannot see his eyes behind the tinted visor. No matter how uncomfortable the situation makes you feel, you try not to move … you try not to show any sign of weakness, to give him any excuse to lunge across the table and strangle you.
Finally, he answers. “I’m looking for work.”
Now you cannot help but move. You exhale sharply, and with that release of breath comes a release of tension as you slump backwards, your back hitting the wall behind you. You cross your arms over your chest. “I can’t help you,” you say. You don’t have any work to offer him, no work worthy of the skills of a Mandalorian who usually hunts down important people, kings, merchants, people who influence the course of the galaxy’s history. Following a few lowly bandits is not the work he’s used to. You don’t even want to tell him about it because you know he’d take it as an insult. And even if - by some miracle - your quest for revenge would be deemed a worthy cause in the eyes of the Mandalorian, you couldn’t afford his services.
The slightest movement of his helmet is the only reaction your answer gets out of him. Whether he shifts because he’s surprised or because he’s angry, or whether his scalp itches under the metal you cannot tell.
Still, you feel the need to explain yourself. “I’m sorry, I don’t have any money.”
Shit, that’s the wrong thing to say. It implies you have work for him, but that you’re too poor to pay him. For all you know, this could be a grave insult in Mandalorian society.
His fingers on the table clench around thin air again. “What can you offer?” he asks.
He doesn’t want to know about the job, the quarry as you know they call it. No, he just wants to know how much he can earn.
“240 credits,” you answer. It’s all you have. You won’t need it anymore.
He tilts his head and you expect him to refuse, but then he says, “That’s enough.”
You’re taken aback, surprised. He’s caught you off-guard. You were fully prepared to see him walk away at hearing the ridiculously low amount of money you just offered. “You don’t even know what the job is,” you protest. The last thing you need is a Mandalorian hunting you down because you’re not paying him enough.
“They told me,” he says with a nod behind him.
You follow the movement with your eyes and see heads whip to the side, gazes wandering downwards, you notice conversations being picked up again. White hot fury fills you, more powerful than the flames that destroyed your house.
“They had no right,” you press out through clenched teeth.
The Mandalorian doesn’t say anything. He sits still like a statue, unwavering, as you fight a small battle with yourself. You should leave without looking back. Messing with a Mandalorian is even more dangerous than the task ahead of you. But he’s offering you something invaluable, something no amount of credits can get you: a chance. If you go alone, you’ll be dead in about a week. There’s no use pretending you’ll get out of it alive. But if you accept the Mandalorian’s help – his services, you have to remind yourself – you might make it through two. You might get to see your dreams of revenge become reality.
You sigh deeply as a heavy weariness settles over you. You’re exhausted, and now that all the adrenaline has left your body, you can feel all the small cuts and bruises today’s labors have left behind. And you feel empty … cold and empty, and utterly alone.
The Mandalorian still doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t defend the villagers, he doesn’t tell you what he knows about you or the job, he doesn’t try to persuade you to take him up on his offer, nor does he walk away from it. He just sits there and waits for you to make up your mind, as if it’s all the same to him. And it probably is. Either he goes with you and earns some money, or he doesn’t and looks for work elsewhere. He is completely detached from the whole affair. There is no emotional investment, just a job that needs to be done.
He doesn’t care if you live or die, he just cares if you pay him or not.
This realization is what finally helps you make up your mind. “I want to hire you,” you say, your tongue heavy in your mouth. All you really want is to sleep.
There is no reaction for the longest time but then the Mandalorian nods. You’re not sure if you’re supposed to say something, give him details or explain the specifics of the job to him. But before you can decide what to say next, he stands abruptly.
“I’ll be back in a few days,” he says before turning around.
Your brain needs a moment to catch up but when it does, you’re already on your feet. “Wait,” you say, and to your surprise the broad, steel-clad man listens to you.
He doesn’t face you, but he stops.
You briefly consider asking him if you can accompany him, but you don’t. You don’t have to ask, you get to decide.
“I’m coming with you,” you tell him.
You tell a stranger, a dangerous one at that, one who makes his money by making other people’s lives a living hell, that you will travel with him through dark, deserted forests where no one will stop him from taking what he wants from you instead of earning it, where no one will come to your aid should he not honor the deal you apparently just made with him. And you don’t care. Because no matter what he will do to you, it can’t be worse than what has already been done.
But all your worries and fears focus in on just one tiny aspect of this whole, fucked-up situation when he says, “I work alone.”
You don’t want to negotiate. This shouldn’t even be up for debate. You’re his employer now, you get to decide how things are done. But if you insist on this, he could just walk away from you. And you cannot let that happen now that you’ve had an idea of what it would be like to have a Mandalorian on your side.
“We’re not a team,” you say. “Think of me as an interested party. As someone who is fascinated by your work.”
You’re not sure if that is the right thing to say. His shoulders move, but he still doesn’t turn around. When he speaks again, you know it was the wrong thing to say.
“I work alone or not at all.”
You don’t want to accept that. You want to be there when those men are punished for what they did. You don’t want to wait around for the Mandalorian to come back, not when you don’t have anywhere to wait around in. You’ve lost everything. Had he talked to the villagers as he claims, he would know this. Or maybe he does. Maybe he knows you lost your home today but doesn’t care. He doesn’t even know the definition of the word home. It means nothing to him.
You take a deep breath. “Then I won’t be needing your services.”
This finally makes him turn around. Everything in you screams for you to take a few steps back, to put yourself out of his reach. You can feel the atmosphere between you shift – he draws back his shoulders, makes himself even taller than he already is. And you know, you just know, that refusing his offer, that backtracking on your agreement is the worst mistake you made tonight.
You’re pretty sure that not honoring a deal is the worst insult to a Mandalorian.
“Going alone will be your death,” he says when you cannot bear the tension a second longer.
“What’s it to you?”
The words are out. They are a challenge, one you didn’t mean to make, one you shouldn’t have made, but it’s done now. Your hand begins to tremble, and your feet grow cold with fear as you prepare yourself for his reaction. You don’t know if he will hit you, tie you up, torture you, or just kill you on the spot. He could do all of these things without having to fear any repercussions. You curse yourself for not having been more careful, for making this fatal mistake, because now Brea will go unavenged. Just because you couldn’t keep your damn mouth shut, just because you’re stubborn and hot-headed and oh so stupid.
But to your surprise, the Mandalorian shrugs. He lifts his broad shoulders, then lowers them again as your eyes follow the movement. But he’s not giving you anything more: He doesn’t insist on going alone, he doesn’t turn around and leave, he just keeps standing opposite you, motionless, emotionless, until you’re convinced you imagined the shrug.
So you decide to make the next move by removing yourself from this situation before he changes his mind and drags you back to his ship to do whatever he wants to you. You take a deep breath and start to step around him, a movement that is almost impossible to complete in this small space you’re both in. But you attempt it, nevertheless. When you’re level with him, doing your best not to brush up against him so you won’t enrage him, you hear his voice. It’s just one sentence, four words, but for some reason it sounds so much more human than it did when he was opposite you. Maybe it has something to do with the distance between his helmet and your ear, maybe it’s the angle from which the sounds hit your eardrums or maybe it’s because you feel light-headed, dizzy with the realization he hasn’t killed you yet and probably won’t.
He says, “Have it your way.”
You stop right next to him, staring ahead at a group of three men who do their best not to look at you. But you don’t see them anyway. In fact, you don’t see anything at all because the rushing sound in your ears drowns out everything else, even other senses.
“You can come with me,” he says, and it’s the first time he has spoken two sentences in a row. “But you do as I say.” Three. “If I tell you to run, you run.” Four. “If I tell you to get out of the way, you do so.” Five. “And if I tell you to kill, you kill.” Six.
Then nothing, just the faint sound of his deep breaths through the modulator.
Your thoughts are racing, tripping over their own feet like children running down a hill, and they’re unbearably loud. Everything is loud suddenly, from the sound of the barkeep filling a glass to the way that woman over there is chewing her food. The only thing that’s quiet is the last one you would have suspected to be so: the Mandalorian. Now he is waiting for you to say something and as he does, he balls his hand into a fist and then releases the tension again, over and over like a nervous tic, like he needs an outlet for the tension in his body, the tension you have no idea he is feeling until you see his arm flex beneath the fabric covering it.
But, once more, you’re at war with yourself. You don’t know what to tell him. There is still that shimmer of hope on the horizon, the light that makes you believe you stand a chance if you bring him along. But his terms … you’re not sure if you can accept them. He doesn’t know Alvorine or the men you would be hunting half as well as you do. And you’ve never been one for following orders. So if you feel that his assessment of a situation is wrong, you’re not sure you’ll be able to run just because he tells you to.
You have a feeling that defying his orders would be the most dangerous thing you could ever do, even more dangerous than hunting down a group of ruthless bandits who like to torture and kill for fun.
“All right,” you say finally.
His fist unclenches one last time and he exhales slowly.
“But when we find them,” you swallow hard, once, but your mouth is completely dry, “I get to decide what happens to them.”
The Mandalorian turns toward you so abruptly that you almost lose your balance. You lean back and hit your elbow on the wall behind you. The pain makes you curse under your breath.
“Agreed,” he whispers. He sounds like a machine again, as if everything that makes him human is shut away beneath that cold, hard, invaluable beskar steel. You too feel cold suddenly, cold and afraid. “But until then you do as I say. Understood?”
You nod, not trusting your voice. He is too close to you, and drowns out everything else, even the sounds that you considered to be too loud mere seconds ago. If he wouldn’t be wearing a helmet, you would be able to feel his breath on your cheek. He takes up your field of vision almost entirely. You’ve never felt more on display, and yet more hidden. And you know that if you say the wrong thing now, it will have terrible consequences.
So you just nod again.
“We leave in the morning,” he tells you, then turns around suddenly and leaves, his cape trailing behind him.
All sounds come rushing back at once, as if you’ve just emerged out of a pool of water. You release your breath quickly, only now realizing you’ve been holding it. Then you slump back against the wall, a shaking, quivering mess.
***
tag list: @bella-ciao​, @filthybookworm​, @frannyzooey​, @khalysa​, @leannawithacapitala​, @mothandpidgeon​, @mrsparknuts​, @mxsamwilson​, @piscespussybabe​, @something-tofightfor​
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dreamyjoons · 4 years
Text
Our ‘Get Along’ Shirt - pjm
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⇢ another day, another endless round of you and Jimin bickering. It’s never ending, all-consuming, and your friends have had enough. Namjoon decides to end it once and for all - with help from a shirt for squabbling toddlers.
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Genre/warnings: smut, 18+! ‘enemies’-to-lovers, swearing, semi-public smut, mutual masturbation, fingering, honestly at this point a sweat kink, multiple orgasms, light choking, some spitting, unprotected sex, creampie.
Words: 14.2k lol
A/N: well hello! I’m back baby, and to celebrate i had to exorcise some Jimin demons. Did i talk about him sweating a lot? Yes. Did i use my favourite pic of him for the header? Also yes. Don’t @ me, i already know. I hope you enjoy!!!
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"You're so wrong about this, it's actually kind of embarrassing."
"No you're wrong, only an idiot would think the way you do."
"Guys, no one - and I really mean this - no one cares about what kind of cups you need for beer pong. You've been arguing this for like twenty minutes now." Hoseok huffs, sitting back into the couch.
"Eighteen minutes." Namjoon sighs, tipping back his cup and gulping down its contents.
"But solo cups are far superior-"
"Jimin, they aren't!" You snap, dragging your glare away from his rolling eyes, deciding you never wanna look at him ever again.
"Please stop." Jungkook sighs, slipping off the chair beside Hoseok. His eyes flick between you before scanning the rest of the people in the room, slowly moving to the thump of the music. "Gonna find Yoongi and Tae." He mumbles before disappearing through the mass of bodies.
You'd been at the house party for less than three minutes before you and Jimin found a reason to have an argument. At first, it was how late you were - even though you found out he only got there five minutes before you. Then when you commented on the music choices to Yoongi, he found a way to disagree - despite you both knowing he loved the artist. On and on it went. Now here you were; Namjoon and Hoseok on the couch watching you both with bored expressions, Jin tuned out and typing rapidly on his phone beside them. Jimin stood to your left, and you made sure to keep him totally out of your sight.
But it was getting harder to hear him, thankfully. And he was losing steam. The house was crowded and loud, lively dancers everywhere and the smell of alcohol rich in the air. It was already way too hot out, but being stuffed inside at this party was causing everyone to sweat. You could see condensation forming on the walls.
The house was huge and expensively decorated, belonging to some producer friend of Namjoon. Marbled floors met white walls, a rug carpet covering the floor that made you wince when you thought about the price. It was sprawling and full of a ridiculous number rooms. Yet still, people had to squeeze between the spaces, excuses and polite taps lost in the fury of heat and confinement.
You held your can to your forehead to cool yourself down but it had grown warm waiting for you and Jimin to finish your current spout. You grimace but take a sip anyway - at least if you get a buzz you can ignore him for a little. You felt a pit of guilt at making Jungkook leave. But you were riled up, and you couldn't back down. Not to Jimin.
You saw Jimin tip his head back to drink out of the corner of your eye, but you daren't look at him. He was as insufferable as he was hot as hell, and not just in temperature.
However, you had managed to take a better look at him earlier in the night. His beige silk shirt was already sticking to his skin, tucked into tight jeans blacker than you had ever seen. Who wears silk to a house party? The necklace that he always wore sat just below his collarbones, and you're reminded of all the times you've wanted to throttle him with that damn chain. He'd been pushing his dark hair back all night - you could tell by how it fell about his face, silky strands falling into his eyes. Was he wearing some kind of lipgloss too? You grumble into your drink. He was too pretty for his own good.
At first the sparring was fun. There was an attraction there, on your part at least. It was spicy, something hot and fast, a way to see how compatible you were. Maybe you had some feelings for him. Possibly, potentially.
But over time it devolved. It felt like he'd say things just to get a rise out of you, to draw your attention into a battle with him. And now here you were, bitterly avoiding the man's existence.
"God, why is it so hot here?" Jin gasps, blotting his face with his sleeve.
"Probably haven't got the air con on." Jimin shrugs, taking a swig from his glass.
"It's on-" You start, eyes flicking to where you thought you could see a vent in the ceiling. It was open, so you assumed it would be on - it had to be.
"I highly doubt that."
Jimin gives you the look he always does - where he tilts his head back and stares into your soul. His plump lips part, tongue pressed behind his teeth, goading you into his trap. He gets his way every time.
"Why would they not have it on? It's burning hot even without a house full of people."
"Then it's clearly a crappy unit." He shrugs, but his words are quick and his eyes are still intensely focused on you.
"Jimin have you seen the rest of this house? Don't be dumb-"
"Shut up!"
You and Jimin spin to your friends who had all shouted in unison. The ones who could still stand to be around you both arguing, anyway. Several of the dancers that were nearby stopped to look at the exclamation but slowly drifted back into the music - albeit before taking a step further away from your group.
"Enough. I'm gonna put an end to this once and for all." Namjoon gets to his feet and strides away with purpose, standing a head above nearly everyone in the crowd.
You shiftily look at Jimin before silently waiting for Namjoon to return, confusion thick in your brain. You awkwardly chewed on your lip as the seconds ticked by, before finally he stalks back, his bag under his arm.
He throws himself back into his seat, flips open the top of his bag and rifles through.
Finally he pulls out a heap of bright yellow material, and with a small noise, he dumps his bag beside him before bolting up. He unravels the material and holds it up to you, grin growing on his face.
It takes you a few seconds to focus on what he is holding out to you and Jimin - but when you realise, you gasp.
"'Our get along shirt'? Namjoon you've gotta be joking." you splutter, scanning the shirt.
It was a sickly yellow, 'our get along shirt' printed on it in what appeared to be black glitter. It could probably fit both you and Jimin in it, maybe Yoongi could slip in too. It looked somewhat roomy, but that was not the point.
"What?" Jimin asks, lips parted as he stares into the glitter.
"You're both gonna wear it and get over whatever bullshit is going on here." Namjoon says so casually, as if he was asking the time or giving directions. But you saw the seriousness in the minute movements of his face. The clench on his jaw, the hardiness of his eyes.
"We're adults Namjoon, you can't expect us to wear that." Jimin's face had gone into a full blush, but his frown was deep as he stared at Namjoon.
"You are both gonna wear it."
"No-" You shout, but Namjoon pointedly huffs at you, and you take the hint.
"Put the shirt on. By the end of the night, either one of you will have killed the other or you have this sorted out. Because if not, you'll end up pushing us all away. For good." Namjoon finishes with a sigh, the depth of his gaze so severe it confirms that he isn’t playing with you.
You look behind him at Jin and Hoseok, and the direction in which Jungkook had walked away. Jin and Hoseok looked deadly serious, no hint of a smile or a cackle of laughter like you'd expect.
He had a point. You knew it. But it was so hard - Jimin couldn't let things lie, and you couldn't back away from a fight when it was him you were fighting. But to see others dropping out from around you...
"Hand over the shirt."
You spin to stare at Jimin. His face was tight, jaw set and eyebrows drawn. It had dawned on him too, just how far this had gone. But he obviously didn't like the idea of it, and neither did you.
"Fine but if I do kill him I’m taking you all down with me as accessories." You sigh, reaching forward and taking the shirt from Namjoon.
“How long have you had this, Joon?” Jimin asks, fiddling with the rings on his fingers.
“Long enough.”
You turn it in your hands and with a deep breath, you pull the shirt over your head, sticking your arm through the sleeve and head through the collar. Your left arm hangs loosely in the shirt, and you begin to fret about what you should do with it. Maybe you should just stick it in your pocket? You don't wanna brush anything-
Before you could follow that train of thought, Jimin tugs you and the shirt towards him. You follow, gulping thickly. He casts one last look at Namjoon before putting his head under the bottom of the shirt. within seconds his head is through the collar, his shoulder bumping yours as he tries to get comfortable.
The air is thick around you, the extra warmth of him being so close to you making the heat rise on your face. You were strongly aware of every microscopic move he makes, your senses keenly aware of his proximity. He lets out a harsh sigh, and you feel the breath ripple over the collar and down the shirt. A pout settles on his lips, glossy and wholly enticing - and entirely too close.
His face was inches from yours, shoulders stuck rigidly together as you subtly wrestle for space. The shirt was obviously made for kids, and much smaller than you had originally anticipated. Two kids would be able to almost comfortably stand side by side. You and Jimin had barely enough excess shirt, but the collar was far too small. His hand grazes mercilessly across your thigh, the hardness of his rings pressing into the material of your jeans.
You hear a click of a camera, and your attention snaps up to see Hoseok taking a photo of you both on his phone. With both you and Jimin glaring at him, he snaps another and giggles.
"One for Jungkook." He grins, before flipping his phone to you.
Instinctively you step forward to look, but the lack of space drags Jimin along with you. He crashes into your back, a steadying hand reaching out for your hip, a strangled grunt by your ear. You choke on your breath, and weakly tug at the collar as if it was the cause of your shock.
His hand is warm, the heat pulsating from his palm across your hip. If you weren't sweating before, you definitely were now. You shuffle back a little, easing the tension in the shirt that tugged tightly against you. Jimin brings up a hand and anxiously pushes his hair back from his face, his jaw set so sharply you could cut your finger on it.
"Well, there's bound to be a few teething problems but I'm sure you'll both work it out." Namjoon smiles, eyes bright and full of mischief. "Come on boys, let's give them some space."
You give Namjoon the fiercest glare you could muster before he walks away, but all he does is chuckle at you. Hoseok waves brightly whilst Jin merely winks - until soon all that remained was you and Jimin, hot, flustered and already tired of it all.
"Okay, now that they're gone-" Jimin mutters, twisting in the shirt so that his back was against you. You shuffle back as not to touch him, your mind a hazy hot mess.
Your hand dances threateningly close to his ass so you snatch it up to your chest, staring at the ceiling and holding back an agonised groan.
He brings his hands up and after a few seconds you hear a loud rip.
You snap your head to him to see that he'd ripped the collar almost to the end of the shoulder, giving you more space. You let out a breath and you both adapted to the space, but his shoulder was still brushing you. At least his face was at a less dangerous distance from yours now.
"Do... you wanna sit?" He asks quietly, A faint pinky blush crossing his cheeks. You forced your eyes away, determined not to be distracted.
"Jimin, Namjoon's gonna flip about the shirt."
"No he won't-"
"Yes, he will-"
"Ah, can we just sit?."
You huff, weighing his words before silently nodding, moving forward slowly to give him time to get his brain in gear. He stepped behind you and you shuffled around so that you wouldn't be sat under him.
"Okay sit." You order, and to your surprise he followed your words. You both crash back into the couch, his arms pressing back against you, his legs spread and pressed against yours.
You sit, the silence stretching. You finally get the smell of his cologne, the silk of his shirt sleeve brushing against your arm. It was filling your senses, and though it had only been seconds, this was stretching for an eternity.
And there were all those emotions you felt towards him, rushing to the surface, bubbling beneath your skin.
"Okay this is dumb, why are we doing this?" You grumble, slamming your head back against the cushions, desperate to be away from his heady scent.
He looks at you out of the corner of his eyes, so you pointedly avoid meeting his gaze.
"Because we don't want to lose our friends." His voice is low, the cogs turning in his head.
"Yes I know that, but why do we have to 'sort our problems' from inside the same damn t-shirt?" You snap.
"I... don't know. But I'm not gonna lose friends. Them or you - so get used to being stuck in this shirt with me."He purses his lips in thought, but you’re struck by his words.
"Well it's you who's stuck in here with me." You snark, unable to stop yourself before you say it.
He huffs out a laugh through his nose, and you can’t help but smile. You finally meet his eyes, and like a kid caught doing something he shouldn’t, he snaps his eyes away.
“So we have to like… work on our problems?”
“Apparently.” He murmurs, throwing himself back into the seat.  
The temperature feels ten times hotter than when you weren’t sharing clothing. Your hair sticks to your skin and you shift uncomfortably. Everywhere you touched him felt like it was on fire, every sensor in your body and edge and firing. You force yourself to breathe, in and out. Park Jimin was not going to get the better of you.
But he seemed affected too.
His swallows are thick, adam’s apple bobbing with each gulp. You could see his ringed finger tapping in his leg whilst his other hand was pushing back his hair a little more aggressively than usual.
“So uh…” He starts, but tapers off when you look at him.
“Yeah?”
The seconds tick on, the gap between you non-existent. You avert your eyes and try to focus on the crowd that swirls around you.
You couldn’t help but notice the fact that things were going well. No issues were being resolved per se, but you hadn’t fought properly for a few minutes. And for you both, that was progress. Even if every word that comes to your mind flights away, leaving the silence to stretch.
“Maybe-”
“How about-”
You both blurt words at the same time, letting out an embarrassed laugh as you squarely avoid looking at each other. The music seems louder, making it harder to think about anything that wasn’t directly in your senses. Essentially you were stuck in a Jimin lockdown.
“You go.”
“Oh, I was just going to say I’m gonna need a drink or two for this.” you confess, heat burning across your face.
“That’s… Not a bad idea actually. Let’s go to the kitchen.” Jimin rushes, a little too enthusiastically. It seems like he’s a little on edge too.
Without thinking he tries to stand up, causing you to get ruffled inside the shirt as he staggers to his feet. You’re ripped through the collar of the shirt, your face getting knocked into his hip. Your eyes widen and your breath catches in your throat as he’s slingshotted back into the chair beside you. Your head reemerges through the hole, leaving your hair vigorously disheveled.
“I-, I’m sorry!” He grits, a reddish blush bursting across his cheeks.
You bring up your hand inside the shirt to touch it to your face whilst the other tries to right whatever mess your hair had become.
“It’s fine, just, we gotta move as one.” You mumble, flicking your gaze at him.
“Agh, this isn’t gonna be easy.” He sighs, shuffling to the edge of the chair.
You take a deep breath and follow his lead. You put a tentative hand on the couch to shuffle yourself to the edge, but jimin had the same idea. He puts his hands on top of yours, but instantly snatches it back. He mumbles to himself before turning and giving you a nod. With a steadying breath you both move, almost effortlessly getting off the couch together. It takes you by surprise at how straightforward that was, until the clatter of a noise reaches your ears over the din of the music.
Following the rattle of the noise you look down, only to watch your phone skittering across the floor.
“Oh, shit.” You murmur, watching it stop out of reach. “Jimin, my phone!”
He follows your gaze to where it lays on the floor, narrowly avoiding being stepped on by dancers. Your heart flutters as people step around it, totally unaware.
“Go, go!” He mutters, placing the palm of his hand at the bottom of your back, steering you towards it.
You flush as you’re pushed through, stopping just above it. You’re both jostled by the people around you as you stand guard above your phone. People were dancing dangerously close to it,and all it would take is one drunken fool to stamp on it or you for this to end in disaster.
“Okay let’s drop, carefully this time!” you order, but Jimin scoffs at you.
“I’m trying to be careful!”
“Just don't thrash me about again, that would be nice-”
“I’m not doing it on purpose! I can if you want me to-”
“Oh my god, stop, just bend over and help me!”
“That sounds dirt-”
He starts, but before you let him manifest that in your mind you start to crouch, the force pulling him down to bump his chest into your back. The heat of him crashing into you is instant, an insatiable warmth that spreads in contact. He puts a stabilising hand on your hips as his breath rolls across the back of your neck. A shiver trickles down your body despite trying to hold it back.
“What did you do that for?” He grunts, his mouth closer to your ear as he tries to rebalance himself.
“Y- you’re taking too long trying to argue!”
He presses himself off your back and shuffles down beside you. You finally get crouched on the floor, tentative hands placed on the sticky surface to stop you from toppling over. Jimin crouches next to you, his body facing yours with his leg behind you, tight against your back. It was hard to stay focused with him pressed against you like that, but you know he was just trying to stay stable. So why were you blushing so hard?
Carefully you reach out, your fingers just brushing the edge of the phone. You’re just able to get your fingers over the edge when you’re slammed from the side. Your phone is knocked out of your reach once more as you’re thrown onto Jimin, both of you landing in a tangled heap.
You let out a yelp as you’re falling, the impact to the side of you bristling with shock. His back hits the floor and you land awkwardly, right on top of him.
“Watch what you’re doing, you moron!” Jimin snaps after your head slaps onto his shoulder.
Your heart slams erratically against your chest, his words stinging. You’d come to blows many more times than you can imagine, but he’d never spoken to you in that way, not ever.
“God, I’m sorry.” you murmur, pressing yourself up off his chest, your face practically aflame.
“What? Oh, no no, not you! Whichever idiot smacked into you. Are you alright?“ He asks, his fingers gently gripping your chin and turning you gently in his hands.
Your eyes are wide as he stares at you, your fingers twitching on the silk covering his chest. Once he’s satisfied that you’re okay, he softly releases you. You bring your gaze back to his, beads of sweat rolling down your face.
Jimin looks down to his hand and back up to you after realising what he had just done, before he clenches his fist closed and puts it down to his side. His forehead is creased, his face burning bright.
“We should… ah, should get your phone.” His voice is low, barely audible above the music. But you hear him all the same, stealing your hand back from his chest.
You swallow thickly, stabilizing yourself as you crouched back on your own two feet. Your phone isn’t too far out of reach, but just beyond the touch of your fingertips. You strain, tugging Jimin along behind you. His throat is pulled against your shoulder, but it was no good, you still needed the stretch.
“Hold on.” You mumble, slipping your head out from underneath the collar.
You keep your arm inside the shirt sleeve for plausible deniability - you’d never be able to lie to Namjoon if he asks if you stayed in. But you pull your head out from the bottom of the shirt and reach out, gripping your phone and snatching it up. You shove it in your deepest pocket of your jeans and pat it, relieved.
You crawl back to Jimin and try to climb back into the shirt. He throws the bottom over your head and you push it through - only to slam your head into his arm.
“Ah, sorry!” You yelp, trying to push yourself past him.
He tries to guide your head back up through the collar but manages to get his rings caught in your hair. You yelp at the tug, your hands flying up to untangle him.
“Sorry, sorry!” He shouts, bringing his other hands up to slide his rings off altogether.
Once they’re off his fingers it’s easier to free your hair. With the rings tucked safely in his pocket and with gentle easing, Jimin moves your head up to the collar of the shirt. You rapidly brush your hair out of your face and look at him out of the corner of your eye.
He’s flustered, roughly pushing the hair that sticks to his sweaty forehead back. His lips are parted and his eyes are fixed away from you.
Briefly, the thought of just running away from him crossed your mind. There’d be no more issues if you never saw his face again. No more embarrassment! Of course it was a silly idea, but it would be better than getting the opportunity to make yourself look like an idiot again.
You huff out a breath, blotting your damp forehead with the back of your hand. Your brush with the floor had left your clothes feeling sticky, and your brush against Jimin had set everything else on fire. You needed some fresh ai-
“It’s too hot for this, I need some air.” Jimin shifts in his spot, gesturing to the backdoor that was through the kitchen and blocked by a thick group of party goers. You follow the direction he points and nod enthusiastically.
“I wanna grab some water too.” You murmur. Ignoring his presence.
The people that stood between the cloying heat that you and Jimin were trapped in and the cooler climate outside were dense. You’d have to fight through, but the reward of fresher air to clear your head of Jimin was too tantalising.
With a look at Jimin, he motions with his hand for you to proceed. You roll your eyes at the gesture but you take a cautious step forward, slow and deliberate.
You started pushing your way through, bodies warm and fluid as you tried to champion the way. Jimin got ganged much closer to you, practically pressing into your back as you moved. You focus on finding a path ahead, ignoring the beads of sweat that form in your hairline.
Something had changed between you. This is the closest you had been together, the most you had touched, the longest you had been alone. And you wanted to hate it. You certainly hated how messy he must think you are. But you didn’t. A trickle of something different slides down your body, all your attention focused on his hand on you.
The music changes to something even louder and riles the crowd up. With a swell of movements in the dancers you’re sent flying, knocked by some erratic dancer’s elbow. With the force of the shirt Jimin is dragged with you, crashing into your back and pinballing you against another person.
Subconsciously you turn back to him - but as soon as you’re pressed together, you realise how big a mistake that was.
Stomach to stomach, his face is barely an inch or two from yours. His fingers wrap around your wrist, chest rising and falling as you stare at him.
The sweat that had rolled down his face had reached his throat, dropping down the column and hovering at his apple. The minutest of smirks pulls at his lips, and you realise you’ve been caught.  
He swallows, purposely. The bead rolls the rest of the way down his throat, dropping below his necklace before disappearing down the neckline of his shirt. The silk was clinging to his skin in the heat, and it took every ounce of dignity you had not to look down. You could see in your periphery, and that was more than enough. The man was hot, in every sense.
Your eyes flick back up, a different kind of heat burning up your face. You anxiously lick your lips, eyes finally meeting his. He has an eyebrow propped, a smugness radiating that let your blood boil. But his gaze drops to your mouth, watching your tongue gloss across your lip before looking back up. You can feel his breath hit your chest as his cheeks flushed more than they ever had. Now you were the one to have an audience.
Maybe this was it - the answer. You just needed a moment for everything to click, you could reach an understanding! It had nothing to do with how his stare left you feeling like you could burst in every way possible. Or that his pupils seemed to be blown wide, big enough for you to swim in. His fingers were hot against your wrist, and it felt almost as if his pinky was tracing the tiniest circles into your skin-
“I need the bathroom.”
The words are blurted loudly in your face, and for a moment you forget what reality is.
“I- what?”
“Bathroom. Gotta go. Bathroom stuff.” Jimin splutters.
Before you can respond - not that you knew how to -  he turns from you. His hand still holds your wrist as he pulls you through the crowd, uncaring as to who he pushes aside. All you can do is stare at the back of his hair and be lead.
“Jimin what the hell?!” You yell, ignoring the glares of the nosy partiers.
Your voice is lost, muffled by loud music and Jimin's deaf focus. You finally break free from the throng of people but your journey doesn't end. You're being whipped past busy rooms until you hit the staircase. The odd person watches you in fascination, some even snickering at what was written so plainly in glitter on the shirt. you felt your face burn, and make a silent note to fight Namjoon at the soonest opportunity.
He begins scurrying up the staircase, and with your wrist still firmly in his iron grip, you're soon flying up behind him. He casts a shifty look behind him to check you were still attached, his face flushed but his eyes focused. You have to remember to regulate your breathing.
"God, careful!" You snap, almost stumbling on the top step.
He doesn't acknowledge that he hears you, but then he slows for a second before darting down the winding corridor. He rushes into one of the rooms, a sprawling guest bedroom, before finally letting your wrist drop from his grip. It was almost bigger than your entire place, with an ensuite and even a door leading out to a balcony.
You close the door behind you before Jimin drags you towards the ensuite. Once he's at the open door he pulls his arms through the sleeve and slips out from the shirt. You know you're in the privacy of a bedroom but you suddenly get nervous, eyes turning to the bedroom door.
"We're gonna get in trouble." You murmur. Namjoon is a mind reader, you’d stake your life on it - he'll know you're separated and find you.
"You gotta relax. We're not gonna be spotted through floors and walls. Unless you wanna come in here with me?" He asks, that trademark smirk pulling at his lips. Your stomach flutters, but it is a relief to have a flash of the jimin who pushes your buttons back.
"I -wha- no! Just hurry up, god." You splutter, turning your back to him.
"I won't be long."
With that he saunters back, his cheeks blown out as he sighs, and finally closes the door for some sweet separation. You step back and move to the balcony - the door was unlocked so you push it open and finally breathe.
The air is still warm, but instant relief from being cooped up inside with Jimin washes over you. You close your eyes and soak up the moment of peace, the shirt hanging off your solitary frame.
Your brain was barely processing the situation you were both in. It was enough being stuck in the same item of clothing as someone, but with Jimin? It was hard.
But then again, it was also easy. It was too easy to get wrapped up in him, to be so close, to let yourself be taken with him. It was a place you had hoped to be before, and somewhere you couldn’t go.
You and Jimin were tumultuous. You weren’t sure why it had to be that way. It’s not like either of you were toxic or nasty people - so why did you have to make a stand on everything? Why does every time you stand off with him make the hairs on your neck stand up, make your heart beat so fast in your chest you swear he could hear it?
Maybe it was because you did, after all this time, like him.  
You're snapped out of your thoughts by an erratic knocking at the door. You dart your eyes to it as if you could see through the solid wood, your heart in your throat.
"Y/N? Jimin? You there?" Namjoon calls through the door, and you swear under your breath.
"One second!" You cry, scrambling back from the door and scurry to the ensuite.
"Jimin! Open up!" You whisper at him, your voice a hurried rasp.
"What?"
"I'm coming in!" You wait a few seconds just in case, and then finally throw the door open.
"Y?N!" Jimin yells, scrambling back against the basin.
He was standing with his silk shirt in his hands, His lips parted in shock as he stares at you. His chest was heaving, the faintest glimmer of abs visible behind the thin fabric. Your face was burning almost as much as his, your jaw dropping. His hair was tousled, strands covering his wide eyes as he stared at you.
"Wh... Why are you topless?" Your breath is barely above a whisper as you fight to keep your eyes on his face.
"It's so hot!”
“I’m hot! Do you see me taking my clothes off?” You rush, using every ounce of restraint in your body to not lick your lips.
The thought of you and Jimin taking your clothes off together flashed through your mind and you internally screamed at yourself. This was not the time to unpack that, though you’d be lying if you said the thought hadn’t crossed your mind before.
“Wah- uh, you... I was trying to cool dow- why are you barging in here?!" He rushes, taking a hasty step towards you. To have to sort through your frazzled thoughts before you remember why you were there in the first place.
"Namjoon! He's at the door!" As if to accentuate your point, Namjoon raps on the door again, calling out to you both.
"Agh!" Jimin cries, rushing forward and grabbing the hem of the shirt you still wore.
He begins to get into it as he pushes you towards the door. You could feel the horror fill your veins as the heat of his body slips in beside you, his hand at the small of your back as he guides you. Your arm brushes against his bare hip, the skin hot and smooth. You snatch your arm up and hold it against your chest as if burned and ignore the rapid change in your breathing.
"Why haven't you put your shirt on?!" You whisper, but he just huffs.
"To save time, Now show me your pretty smile and let's get rid of him so I can get dressed." Jimin's hand is on the door, and all you can do is stare at him, eyes wild.
"My wha-"
The door flies open, but you're still staring at Jimin. Pretty...?
"Well hello." Namjoon is leant against the doorframe, arms crossed as he gives you both a crooked grin. His eyes flicker to the room behind you, his eyes landing on the bed just beyond you both.
"Just needed the bathroom." Jimin rushes, hand once again settling in his hair.
"I didn't ask." His voice is light, but his eyes are fierce as he scans you both thoroughly.
"You were thinking about it, though." Jimin mutters. He tries to cross his arms at Namjoon, but with one arm under the shirt and one over he soon drops it. Your gaze was still stuck on him though. Pretty?
"How's the shirt working out, you both talking?" Namjoon asks, and you finally snap your attention to him. He's already watching you and raises an eyebrow. You scramble to stamp down your emotions, despite every nerve in your body sizzling.
"Oh yeah, we’re the best of friends now, right JimJam?" Your voice is bubblegum sweet, giving Jimin the goofiest smile you could muster.
"Totally! We've been braiding our hair and sharing juicy stories. We're basically besties."
Jimin beams at Namjoon, before stepping close and wrapping an arm around your waist to hug you. It was all part of the charade, of course. But as you're pulled back against his chest, you swear your heart could explode. His hand sits lightly on your hip, his every breath rolling down your neck. It didn’t matter that the move was practically hidden under the shirt.
"Yeah..." you laugh, but it's more of a choke as you pat his hand over the shirt and avoid meeting Namjoon's probing gaze.
Jimin clears his throat awkwardly behind you, his finger twitching on your hip. The heat between you swealters, every inch of your skin electric against his body.
Namjoon's eyes flick between you. You could see his thoughts brewing but they never pass his lips. Instead you and Jimin wait, his hands singeing your skin where they rested, his bare chest like fire against you.
"Well, I can see you're obviously working on something. But until you're actually convincing, you can stay in that shirt." He shrugs, grin widening across his face. With a final flick of his eyes, he pushes off the door frame and heads back towards the stairs.
"This is ridiculous Namjoon!" You yell at his back, crossing your arms across your stomach.
"Maybe - but you're both still wearing it." He smirks back over his shoulder.
You yell incoherent words at his back before huffing out a breath. Your fingers twitch in anger, putting a stubborn hand on your hip, the skin hot under your touch.
Faintly you realise the contact isn’t registering on your hip, and it isn’t until Jimin loosens his grip on you that you realise your hand had been resting on his. His hands fall from your body as he shuffles away, swallowing a throaty gulp.
You couldn’t look at him. It was all fun and games to begin with- oh, who were you kidding? This had been sucky, but something had shifted. You needed air, a chance to breathe, to not be tethered to the man that seems to haunt you.
“Need air.” Your voice a rasp as you step back into the room.
Jimin barely shuts the bedroom door before you’re marching to the balcony, not caring about whether you drag him along or not. Once you’re outside you heave in a breath, letting the air fill your lungs.
“That was too close.” You murmur, fiddling with the hem of the shirt.
“How was I supposed to know Namjoon would be keeping tabs?”
“I’m not blaming you Jimin! Why are you making this into an argument too?” You snap, your eyes fixed on the treeline on the edge of the property.
You feel him wriggling aggressively next to you, only to look back and see him climbing out of the shirt. You watch in horror as he slips out from under the sickly yellow material, keeping his bare back to you.
“What are you doing?” You yelp, scanning over the edge of the balcony for any sight of your friends. They couldn’t see you apart, they would never trust either of you again.
“What are we doing?”
“We’re meant to be working this out from inside the same ugly shirt-”
“No not right now. I mean, kind of. I just… Why did we let it get this far?”
You let his words hang in the air, your thoughts scattered. The thump of the music below drifts up to you, the mass of partygoers that stood out in the gardens laughing and chatting loudly. It seemed a world away from the tension that fills the air between you and Jimin.
He turns back to you with a look on his face so intense you can’t place it. But you could tell he was tightly wound - his shoulders were squared and his jaw was tight. He avoids making eye contact with you for as long as he can. But when he finally does, it was too easy to get lost in what you see there.
“We just argue, I guess.” you shrug, averting your eyes from his chest and stomach. This wasn’t the time to be fawning over him. It was hard - he was beautiful, there was no escape from that. It’s one of a million reasons you had liked him in the first place.
“You can't tell me you’re happy with that explanation.” He huffs, crossing his arms.
“Of course I’m not but what do you want me to say? You don’t like me, you’ve made that plain enough. Not everyone gets along.”
You bite your lip, admitting the words you’d been too scared to think out loud. But when you hear a faint gasp, your eyes shoot up to his face. His lips are parted, a look of abject shock written on his delicate features.
I d- I do like you.” His voice is so quiet you can barely hear him. But you do, and the words strike deep.
You can’t open yourself up to this right now. Namjoon will find a way to know that you’re both separated, and the rest of the guys will drift away. You want to be civil with Jimin, not have your entire soul bared open to him. You couldn’t survive that.
“Can you please put your shirt back on?” You mumble, your eyes laser-focused imploringly on his face, but he doesn't hear you, barrelling on.
“It’s not like I enjoy arguing with you!”
“Then why are you making it so difficult?” Your voice cracks, the hurt of your never ending battles threatening to surface.
“Do you know how hard it is to get your attention-“ he starts, his fast flow of words immediately cut off as he gawks at you, delicate fingers slamming over his lips.
“What?” You blurt, processing his words.
“No no, nothing! Forget it.” he shakes his hands at you, eyes wide and face blushing a deep pink.
“Jimin! What do you mean, get my attention?”
“I… yeah. We’re always with the guys, I guess I didn’t know how else to get you to focus on me.”
“Why?” Your voice is faint, a million thoughts crashing in your head.
“No, forget it!”
“Jimin!”
“Ah, I like you, okay?”
The air around you thickens, the distance between you a thousand miles yet still too close. Your heart thumps rapidly in your chest, your eyes wide as saucers and your skin prickled with goosebumps.
“You- huh?”
“I… like you. A lot. It happened pretty quickly.” He sighs, running a shaky hand through his hair.
"Why have you never told me?"
"Because it's humiliating as hell?" He laughs bitterly, his eyes darting to anywhere but you.
"Jimin..."
"No seriously. If I had told you, you'd reject me because why wouldn't you? All we do is argue."
"You think I'd reject you?" You ask, voice quiet as you step closer to him. His gaze finally snaps back to you at your movement.
"I mean, I... yeah?"
He runs a hand roughly over his face, turning his back to you. He looks so flawless in the moonlight. But he always looked flawless to you. Watching him fret like this was something so alien to you, but so human, so Jimin. You couldn’t let him suffer these feelings alone.
"Well, I wouldn't have." You mumble.
“You- what?”
Your brain scrambles, your heart hammering in your throat. He stares at you, wide eyes and chest heaving as if he was winded. Swallowing thickly you press on, despite the fear that churns in your gut.
“I wouldn’t reject you, Jimin. I… uh. I like you too.” You fiddle awkwardly with the hem of the stupid shirt.
The whole scenario had you feeling like a girl going through a childhood crush again. Though last time you had a crush on a boy who was fighting with you, you punched him in the nose. It was doubtful that would work this time around-
“Jimin?” You ask, watching as he shrinks back on himself.
You watch as he breathes, his chest rising and falling, the rapidly cooling night air raising goosebumps across his skin. It was hard to keep your brain on track.
After a moment he meets your gaze with a softness so potent it was enough to choke you.
In two steps he was on you, his lips crashing against yours. Your entire body threatens to shut down, the shock rippling through you. Before you even had a second to comprehend how good his lips felt against yours he pulls back, fear in his eyes as he worries.
You know then what you want. Who you want. You wondered why you wasted so long arguing to get it.
With your blood thrashing violently in your veins you reach your hands out to his face, caressing the smooth skin of his cheek before you surge forwards. The feel of the gloss on his lips smudges as you let yourself be consumed, the slightest hint of cherry seeping in.
Kissing Park Jimin. You. You’re kissing him. Your eyes slam shut as you sink into him, electricity crackling on your skin.
With no doubt in his mind at all Jimin slides his hands to your hips, fingers curling into the shirt as he moves you back, pushing you into the wall. You moan into his kiss, and he smirks against your lips. To trip him up you press the kiss deeper, letting the tip of your tongue dance at his pretty lips, wanting to taste him.
He does you one better, turning the tides and pressing the kiss back to you, tongue flicking to you.
Just like normal, you weren’t one to back down from Jimin.
Letting a hand move into his silken hair, you brush it back the way you’d seen him do a thousand times. But instead of letting your hands fall out of the soft locks, you let the strands wind around your fingers and give it a tug.
Jimin lets out a low groan, breaking the kiss to pant against your lips. Pride flows through you, but so did a sense of admiration - it was something you wanted to hear from that pretty mouth over and over.
“That’s a dangerous game you’re playing, Y/N.” He whispers, tugging sharply on the shirt so that your body was flat against his.
You try to not let the gasp from you come out too loud, the lines of his body startlingly apparent as you’re pressed together.
“You think that scares me?”
At your words he smiles. It spreads slowly, but soon his whole face is alight, brightness shining out of him. With his fingers at the hem of the massive shirt, he gives you a filthy giggle before kneeling and slipping himself inside of the material.
“What are you doing?” You yelp, feeling the familiar sensation of being stuck in the stupid shirt with him again. But it was different too, it wasn’t suffocating like before.
His head popped back up through the ripped collar, grin still annoyingly plastered across his face.
“Shouldn’t you be trying to get me out of this shirt, Park Jimin?” You whisper, breathless as he presses you back against the wall.
“I can’t deny that you have too many clothes on.” He smirks, delicate fingers sliding up your shirt to rest on your hot skin. “But there’s something… ah, satisfying about having you in this shirt.”
“Seriously?”
“What’s the matter Y/N, don’t think you can handle it?” His fingers circle agonisingly slow on your hips, a mischievous glint catching in his eye. He knows you so well.
“You’re gonna be the one who can’t handle it.”
“Prove it.”
You almost growl at him as he presses your buttons, but the burning in you meets the heat in your stomach. You need him more than ever.
You pull him back against you by the hair, crushing your lips together once more. He moans into you, nails pressing into your hips as your lips collide. You roll your hips against him, the fire in your veins white hot as he stutters against you. He breaks your kiss to gasp needily, eyes shut tight as your stomach brushes against the bulge in his tight jeans.
His eyes finally open, unfocused and swimming. But after a second he fixes his gaze on you, determined. A flicker of anticipation fills you, awaiting retribution.
His fingers move from your skin to the hem of your shirt, tugging it up until you have to help him. The shirt you were sharing was making it difficult, and you start to regret ever letting him get his way. But as soon as you are free he presses back into you, his hot skin flush against yours, his fingers idly tracing the straps of your bra.
Just with the gentle brush of his fingertips he nudges the straps down your arms, goosebumps rising along his trail. He presses his lips to your cheek, pecking slow, soft kisses across your cheekbone as he moves towards your ear. You sigh as his mouth moves lower, plump lips pressing dainty kisses down your neck. With you swept up, his hands move behind you and unclip your bra.
A gasp passes your lips while his own are still planted at your neck, sucking on a soft spot there. Your bra slides off your body, landing with a quiet thud on the floor of the balcony.
His fingers find their way back to your hips, slowly caressing their way up. An excited shiver catches you, and you feel him laugh against your skin. His warm hands find your breasts, thumbs rubbing over the soft skin before finding your nipples.
You suck in a breath as he kisses back up your neck. He pauses to capture your lips again, lulling you into him as his thumbs brush out across your nipples.
With your staccato breathing he smirks once more into your skin. Not one to ever be outmanoeuvred by Jimin, you decide it’s time to flip the switch.
You purposefully run your fingers down his stomach, featherlight and teasing. He hitches his breath, mouth detaching from your neck as he waits, anticipating your every move. His hot breath rolls down your neck, rippling off your chest. You hide a smirk in his hair and focus on your goal.
Letting your fingers rest on his belt buckle - no doubt something obnoxiously expensive - you begin to undo him as slow as you possibly could. You slide it off, inching it so little that you could feel him get restless against you.
“You’re a nightmare.” He whispers, looking up at you through his eyelashes.
“I’m just savouring the moment.” You offer softly, the soft clinks of the buckle resting against his thigh.
“You’ll pay if you tease me like this.” His voice is high, airy. The voice of a man in complete control - though you knew that was far from the truth.
“Mm, sure Jimin.” You smirk, bringing a hand up between you to his face.
You angle him back up to kiss you, which he does with ferocity. You smile into him, the power to provoke him rich in your veins.
Your hand sinks back to his belt, and with him distracted you pull it off him fast, dumping it somewhere on the floor and popping the button of his jeans. He gasps into your kiss, fingers automatically flexing across your breasts. You hold your reaction to yourself, intent on giving nothing away until you are ready.
You tug down his zipper, pressing it back onto him so he feels the teeth unclipping against his boxers. You knew they were gonna be some annoyingly expensive brand too, but the thought of getting him to ruin them for you was intoxicating. He leans his forehead against yours, the desperation rising his face palpable.
With a sharp tug you drop his jeans to his mid-thigh before moving your fingers back to him, running teasingly around his waistband. You didn’t have to look under the shirt to know his boxers were tented, his erection straining against the fabric. You dip a finger just below his waistband, tracing along the lines of his hips. He lets out a choked breath, hips subconsciously bucking into you.
“Y/N…”
“What?” You ask sweetly, moving your fingers to brush along his pubic bone. Your knuckles barely graze the base of his shaft, but he lets out a murmur of swear words as his eyes flicker.
Not one to be overshadowed for long, Jimin lets his hands drop to your hips and immediately flies to your zipper. He presses his crotch into you, and you feel just how hard he is for you. With a flapping mouth you watch him, challenging eyebrow raised.
Everything was a game. One that you were intent on winning.
Plucking at your courage, you slide a hand back down, wrapping your fingers around the base of his cock. His hips stutter in your hand, a gush of air forcing out of his lungs.
He felt good in your hand - really good. Firm skin, warm and pulsing in your hand. You experimentally ran a finger along his underside, tracing the vein all the way to his tip. He lets himself go then, head thrown back, eyes tightly clasped. A low groan rumbles from his throat, his fingers stilling on your zip.
“Feel good?” You whisper, pressing your lips to his.
“Ah, mm…” Is all he can manage as his head falls back.
He’s totally lost in your touch, and you’d barely started. A ripple of excitement darts through you, the sight of having Park Jimin needy and in your hands was too powerful to overlook.
A small giggle falls from your lips, the tiniest of noises. But it’s enough to spur him back to reality with his dark eyes finally refocusing on you.
He takes a breath to center himself before pulling down your jeans slowly. You feel the material slide over your hips and sit above your knees. Your panties quickly follow, thrust down faster than you can blink.
He lets a hand drag back up your thigh, running across to where you want his hand the most. Your touch on him falters as anticipation runs through your body. Ever so slowly he lets a finger stroke across your slit, barely grazing your skin. You wrap your free arm over his shoulder, taking a grip of his soft hair.
He smiles at you, and you let your eyes drag across his face. He drags his bottom lip between his teeth at your scrutiny. You can’t help but admire him: the way his lipgloss is smudged up across his cupid’s bow, the sweat that seemed to be dribbling so aesthetically down his sharp jaw, the blown out pupils of his deep eyes. Your breath catches in your throat as you soak him in - and that’s when he decides to strike.
He slips his fingers between your folds, feeling how wet you are for him, before sliding his fingers up to your clit. He applies only the slightest bit of pressure but it’s enough to have you gasping at his touch. He lets out a soft moan as he feels you, letting his fingers move in the tiniest circles.
You slowly rock your hips on his fingers, knotting your own in his hair. You instinctively flex your hand only to have his hips instinctively thrust his cock into your hand.
Deciding to move things on just a little, you move back just enough to see his cock in your hand. His eyes flutter open at your movements, only to blow wide when he sees a trail of spit drop from your lips onto his tip. You catch it with your thumb and rub it into his tip, rolling it down his length.
A low moan leaves him, his free hand coming up to wipe your bottom lip ever so delicately. You meet his eyes, a fire burning there just for you. He drags you into a kiss, his hand scrunching in your hair.
His hand start to move again, circling you and getting into a slow rhythm on your clit. You moan into his kiss, starting your movements too until both of you were breathless messes.
The kisses became scattered and sloppier as you both let your hands work. The delicate touch of his fingers was enough to blur your vision, and your firm grip that was growing in speed on his length rendered him weak in your hands.
His own hand moves deftly, nimble fingers moving between circling your needy clit to running through your wetness. His jaw slackens each time he feels how wet you are for him, pride drifting somewhere in his lust-blown eyes.
Jimin is slick under your grasp, rock hard as you twist up and down his length. Staggered gasps fall from his lips, getting more and more careless as you drag him higher.
His circling gets a little more pressure, and it’s enough to send your head lulling back, barely able to focus on the task literally in hand. You returned his zeal, putting an extra squeeze on his length. The choke that passes his lips sends pride through your already thrashing veins. His face twitches; his forehead creases, pretty lips part slightly further, eyebrows jolt. You know he’s close, and you have the power in your hands.
But he has you, too. The pressure pulsing from your core builds, your eyes slamming shut as you're barely able to form words. You can feel it rising, teetering on the edge of something good-
-until he jerks his fingers from you. You whimper at the loss of his fingers, orgasms skittering disappointingly away from you. Your eyes open as you snap your bereft gaze to him.
“Fuck, Y/N, too quick-“ he murmurs, grabbing hold of your wrist and gently pulling your hand of his throbbing cock.
“Jimin?”
He’s fully flushed, strands of silken hair stuck to his forehead. His chest rises and falls rapidly with his chest, eyes wild.
“I don’t wanna cum just yet.”
“What if I wanted you to-“
“Don’t argue with me on this,” he laughs, pressing a kiss to your lips. But then his voice drops low, lips pulled into a deadly smirk. “I have to make you cum first.”
You barely have a second to swallow down a gasp before you’re pulled from the wall to crash against his lips.
You hold him against you with the collar of the shirt you were still trapped in, matching his energy as he kisses you desperately. Your hands are held tight against his chest, his cock resting teasingly against your stomach.
His hands let go of you to grab your hips, steering your towards the edge of the balcony.
Once you're spun he pushes you gently, bending you over to lean against the railing. Forgetting that you’re stuck in the same damn shirt, he gets yanked down with you, body flush against your back. He lets out a tiny giggle into the back of your neck and it’s as if your heart could stop from the sound.
The cool of the metal railing presses into your chest, hands bracing it through the shirt. You look to the party happening below, guests hovering out in the garden to escape the heat of the sweaty party. You were pretty well out of sight - as long as nobody looked up.
“There’s quite a few people down there.” Jimin’s lips are by your ear, making the hairs on your neck stand on end.
“Don’t think you can make me loud enough? That’s a shame.” You smirk, unable to stop teasing him.
“You’re gonna regret those words baby.”
The pet name strikes deep within you. It’s perfect coming from Jimin, warmth radiating across your body. And you couldn’t blame that one on the heat.
Jimin presses his body onto your back, thick erection settling just above your cheeks. You feel the heat of his hand smooth from your thigh round to the front of you. He takes a few swipes across your clit to make you jerk beneath him before his fingers drift further back.
He swirls a finger around your waiting hole, agonizingly slow. You gasp at him, pushing your hips back into him. His shaft brushes against your cheeks and you can hear him suck in a desperate breath. Spurred on by his own need, he dips his finger gradually inside.
It’s slow, pushing past his knuckle until his finger sits inside you. You feel your walls pulse around him, desperate for more. His hand stills, taking his time to pepper kisses behind your ear. He nips playfully at your lobe, taking his sweet time with each movement.
You know he’s doing it to make you suffer. And god were you suffering, using every ounce of restraint to not whine for him.
Slowly he turns his finger so it sits better inside of you. The graze of his knuckle causes you to moan, and you feel him smirk into your skin.
“That’s what I was waiting for.”
He slowly begins to pump into you. It’s instantly better than his stationary finger, but still agonizingly slow. You needed him, harder and faster.
“Jimin…” you whine, pushing your rear back into him. He tuts into your ear, stilling his fingers.
“You need to let go, Y/N. I’ve got you.” He punctuates his point by kissing a trail along your shoulder.
You bite your lip, his words hitting a little deeper than just him getting you off. You always had to be in control of yourself around Jimin - you had to win, had to be alert. You couldn’t let your emotions get hold of you.
But it was all out in the open now. He knew how you felt - and he feels the same too. Maybe you can let go, just a little. It didn’t mean you had to start losing arguments any time soon, though.
You nod, turning your head to where he was pressing kisses into your skin. He beams at you, eyes scrunching as he surges up to catch your lips.
His movements cause his thumb to brush across your clit, and you moan wantonly into him. He pulls away to peer over the balcony, the loud noise escaping you both. You follow his gaze, but you’d drawn no attention. Not yet anyway-
He looks back at you and winks, the move cheeky and completely Jimin but he silences by pulling his finger almost completely out of you. Your jaw drops at the sensation, but just as quickly he pushes it back inside you, as far as he can go.
You bite the collar of the shirt to muffle your noise. His skin was still hot against yours, a sheen of sweat building on your forehead as you focused on him.
Mercifully he begins to fuck his finger in you, curling inside you. You inhale sharply through your nose, eyes shut tight as you let yourself go.
He carries on for a few more pups before he lets a second finger coat in your wetness. On the next thrust into you, he gently presses in a second finger, and you feel yourself clamp down at the stretch. Jimin keeps pressing kisses against your skin, but he gets breathless, his own erection pressing tauntingly at your back.
He sits his fingers for just a few seconds, letting you get used to him before he works them back out of you. In and out, in and out. He’s slow again, teasing you to the point of madness. You groan in frustration, but it was just what he was waiting for.
He thrusts his fingers deep into you, fucking you fast. Your hips roll to meet his pumps, the drag of him inside you delicious.
He brings up two fingers to your lips, and instinctively you take them into your mouth, swirling your tongue around the digits. You make sure to meet his eye as you run your tip up the crack between his fingers, eliciting a groan from him and a buck of his hips against you.
He pulls them from your mouth and moves them between your legs. His fingers find your clit, and to match the rhythm that he was fingering into you, he begins to circle your needy bud.
It pushes you over the edge, almost literally. You cling onto the balcony as you’re thrust into it, Jimin sucking marks into your neck. You groan, the contact all over your body making you weak. The wet noises that surround you are pure sin, making you bite down on your lip. Jimin groans into your skin, teeth sinking softly into your shoulder as his fingers work fast.
“Fuck!” You yelp as his fingers brush your soft spot inside.
You slap a hand over your mouth as you stare down into the garden below, fear icy in your veins as you hope you’re not spotted.
Jimin doesn’t stop though. He hides his head in your neck, thrusting his fingers faster now that he knows your weak spot.
A few people below scan around them for the source of the swearing, but thankfully none of them think to look up. You bite your lip, eyes closing as you let yourself fall back into Jimin.
“That was a close one, huh?” He whispers, a lilt of a giggle in his voice.
“Shut up.” You murmur, voice cracking as he circles your clit so well you almost see stars.
“That’s no way to talk to the man who’s got two fingers deep in your-“
“Fuck, Jimin please!” You gasp, his next words dancing at the front of your mind.
The circles on your clit get defter, pressure hitting you just right as your hips start to roll uncontrollably. You grip tightly at the railing, unable to stop the flow of moans that echo from you. Being spotted from below is less important as you can feel your orgasm rising, your legs feeling weak underneath you.
Your skin prickles from the heat generating between your bodies, Jimin’s hot breath rolling across your neck as you flush harder.
“I’m gonna...” you whimper, your words lost to pleasure.
“Cum baby, all over my fingers.” His whisper sends shivers through you, a welcome change to the heat that dribbles down your temples.
He curls his fingers on every thrust to bring you closer to the precipice. You push back against him furiously, riding his fingers and your knuckles turn white on the railings. You feel it coil in your stomach, and you know you’re so close.
“Let go Y/N.” He whispers, breath ragged from exertion, but still peppering your marked skin with tiny kisses. You screw your eyes shut as you embody his words, letting yourself give in to the feeling.
“Jimin!”
Your orgasm crashes around you, a litany of swear words moan from your lips. Your walls clench down on Jimin’s fingers, twitching under his fingertips. You slam your hand over your mouth as your moans subside, wide eyes scanning the crowd below.
Heads turn in your direction, and before you can begin to scramble Jimin pulls you back from the balcony to stand flush against him. Your heart pounds in your chest, but the thrill that runs through your veins is undeniable.
He finally pulls his fingers out of you, the gush of wetness and noise make your face heat up. He wraps that arm across your chest and holds you against him, a wide grin wrinkling his eyes. You kiss him, soft and delicate, plump lips locking with yours.
Once you pull back he grins again, before moving the fingers that were in you towards his lips. your mouth parts as you watch him slip the digits inside, taking his time to suck off the taste of you. A light whimper leaves you as you watch him finally slide them out from between your lips with a pop, devilish glint in his eye.
Witha shiver you turn in his grip, pushing him firmly back against the wall.
He hisses lightly as his back hits it, and hisses louder as you're bungied in the shirt against him. He lets out a laugh and you do the same as you right yourself. But you can't keep yourself away from him as your lips are on his again. You flick your tongue at his, the taste of you on him.
“Wanna be inside you...” he whispers between kisses, his hot fingers idling their way up and down your sides. You groan at his words, nodding dreamily at him.
“God, yes please.” you sigh, feeling his lips trace kisses along your jaw.
“Well, since you asked so nicely.” He smiles against your skin, grabbing you by the hips and spinning you both.
He pushes you back against the wall, the bite of the wood pressing into your skin.
“I’ve never heard you so passive.” He laughs, thumb and finger coming up to gently grip your chin. You grin at him, a flutter in your stomach.
“Don’t get used to it Park Jimin.”
He tips his head back to laugh, a pinky flush hot on his cheeks. All you can do is watch in awe, soak him in as he glows in the moonlight. But then he looks back down at you with the stars in his eyes and you realise that, yes - this is what you had wanted all along.
You bring his lips crashing back down to yours, letting your fingers knot in his dark hair and you touch him, drink him in. The silken strands flit through your fingers, and you idly think to yourself about him running his own hands through it. You can see why he does it now.
His thumb strokes across your chin, gently pulling your face from his. You open your eyes to look at him, the flush on his face even brighter.
“Ready?”
“Give it your best shot.” you smile, peppering his jaw with kisses.
You’re stopped in your tracks when he hoists one of your legs over his hip, a teasing eyebrow raised at you. Not to be bested, you hook your leg over his ass and pull him against you. You feel his erection sit against your stomach, hard and leaking onto your skin.
He takes hold of himself and strokes across your wet slit, coating himself. A withered sigh escapes your lips as you watch his frown deepen. His face contorts as he concentrates, teasing himself just as much as he was you. You lean forward to let a trail of spit fall from your lips and drip down onto him, coating his cock even more. You don’t know what possessed you to do it again, but the way he stuttered in a gasp made it well worth it.
Then with an agonisingly slow pace, he begins to press himself just inside you. Your mind clears, all that you can see and feel is Jimin. You had waited long enough.
A wimpery sigh strangles from you, Jimin pressing against your walls until he is fully seated in you. He was so warm, stretching you in all the right places, as close to you as he could physically be.
You give him an encouraging squeeze with your leg. He takes the hint and slowly starts to pull out of you, hair flopping in front of his eyes as he looks down to watch himself pull out of you. The drag of him is good, too good, as you let a warble of noises fall out of your mouth. He doesn't seem to mind though, his focus transfixed elsewhere.
"Jimin..." you whisper, fingers digging into his skin as he slowly begins to reach a rhythm.
His tongue darts out to wet his lips, any mischievous glint in him gone. He was a man on a mission now, aiming to make you feel as good as possible. You could feel that in every stroke, the way he let you feel the length of him drag almost fully out before he pushes back inside you.
You start to roll your hips back at him, determined to not let him have all the fun. The tentative thrust of your hips had his head snap up to you, a fresh sheen of sweat glowing on his skin. You try to play it off coolly - another attempt to throw him off his game - but he squeezes your ass cheeks and holds himself deep in you, and your resolve melts away.
"Don't start something you can't finish." He smirks, and despite the need to fight him bubbling in you, you tip your head back and laugh.
"I guess that applies to both of us." You smile, pressing forward to kiss his lips softly. "Now fuck me Park Jimin, or we're really gonna have a fight on our hands."
He laughs against your lips, a gentle bubble that rises from his chest. But he takes on your words, pressing you hardest against the wall and hiking your leg higher.
He only goes slow for a few thrusts, getting a feel for you before he decides to ramp it up further. 'Typical Jimin' seems to float through your head, but you just grip him tighter, moving to meet his thrusts. You wanted to savour how full he made you feel for as long as possible.
His speed picks up, a hand moving to the underside of your raised legs and digs in deep. You let your own hands slide to his hair, keeping hold of the soft locks as he starts to hit harder inside you.
The sound of your skin making contact seems to echo loudly, and you barely spare a thought to people below working out what the noise was. You didn't care if they heard any more.
It was so hot inside the shirt together, and you could feel beads of sweat rolling down your chin and down your neck. This definitely wasn't helping the heat problem at all, but there was nothing on earth that would make you stop.  The edges of Jimin's hair were getting damper, and with every tug of his hair he let his head fall back into your touch. His throat was bared to you, salty beads dribbling down his hot skin.
You murmur a series of curses as you watched him, the thrum of him being underneath you almost unbelievable.
But then he pulls out a power move.
With fast thrusts he rolls his hips, his cock dragging almost perfectly across your soft spot inside, and all your senses seem to leave you. He repeatedly manages to hit your spot and you are sure he is planning to end you, it was the only way to explain it. Death by good dick, you could see it now.
"Fuck fuck fuck." you repeat like a mantra, The wet slaps that echoes just adding to the sensation.
"Wanna turn you." He mutters breathlessly, and a part of you is glad he's also feeling so affected.
You can't seem to vocalise an answer so you nod emphatically, unhitching your leg from its vice-like grip around him. He pulls out of you and you almost complain, but then his hands are on your hips.
He spins you and presses you against the wall, lifting your leg up and lining himself back inside you again. You're practically dripping for him, so it doesn't take much for him to push back inside. You push your ass back into his thrusts making his movements stutter, and with a playful squeeze he whines behind you.
A small smirk picks up on your lips as you roll your hips back at him, starting him out of his stupor and back to where you need him.
He pounds his hips into you and you have to steady yourself against the wall. The shirt bunches awkwardly, caught in your grip as the rough wood of the wall digs into your skin. Jimin presses his front against your back, the hotness of his skin pricking against your own.
An arm slides around your waist, guiding you, holding you steady as he ferociously fucks into you. His other arm settles across your chest, his fingers clenching across your collarbone. His mouth is by your ear, ragged breaths blowing across the taut collar of the shirt and hitting the warmth of your body.
“Y/N.” Jimin groans, the lilt in his voice uneven as his hips crash into yours.
Your entire body was tingling, the pleasure from your core and the bite of the wall against your bare skin a fight for your senses. You could feel perspiration form on your forehead making your hair stick to you awkwardly but it didn't matter.
Jimin filled you in every way. The hot touch from his fingertips on your waist and across your chest, the heat of his stomach at the base of your back, the soft moans that he sings by your ears.
"That's it, baby." He groans, his fingers curling onto your skin.
The hand that he has sat on your waist slinks across your stomach to reach between your legs, letting his fingers circle your throbbing clit. The pressure makes your eyes slam shut, letting your head fall back onto Jimin's shoulder behind you.
A small single laugh falls from his lips, but your inevitable clench off your walls around him cuts it short. He thrusts a little harder, rocking you against the wall. You have to brace yourself as he fills you repeatedly, his athletic hips working overtime.
The hand that has been pressed to your chest finds its way to your throat, holding just below your jaw. You let out a moan as you cover his hand with yours, pressing his fingers into your throat.
"Shit..." He gasps, his hips stuttering.
"I bet you've been wanting to strangle me for ages." You rush, voice cracking as he circles your clit a little harder.
"Only when I've thought about fucking you."
The moan that leaves you is barely human. In fact, you were barely human any more. you were turning to putty on his cock and under his fingers. It wasn't going to be long until you reached your peak.
His fingers press into your throat under your guidance, the delicious bite making your vision slowly pool. You gasp, shivers tingling down your body. He lets up his grip a little to let your blood flow one more, your body practically vibrating from stimulation.
"Close, Jimin..." you whine, rocking your ass back into him.
"Let loose for me, Y/N." He whispers, pressing his lips to the shell of your ear.
He lets out one last surge of energy, fucking into you and rubbing your clit with a renewed vigour. you throw yourself back at him without care, chasing the high he was leading to you.
With a few more pumps and circles on your clit, you come undone.
Your body pulses on him, clenching down hard as your orgasm crashes through you. Your fingernails dig into his hand and the wall, a strangled cry of his name bursting from you. You cum hard on him, helping him finally reach his peak too - you could tell by the way his hips stuttered, the way he throbbed inside you.
"Cum, Jimin." you whimper, rocking your throbbing core on him.
He doesn't hold back, pumping a few stuttery thrusts into you as he cums. He fills you, gasping against your ear as your walls milk him dry. He thrusts until he can’t anymore, slowing his hips as the fullness inside of you trickles out past his length.
Both of your movements slowly lull to a stop. Jimin holds your body close against him, ragged breath hot against your ear. Your skin is prickled from the heat but you nestle into him anyway.
He finally pulls his softening length from inside you, a small dribble of your combined juices trickle down causing shivers to cover your body.
Turning your head you smile at him, slightly out of breath and dewy. The sight of him is godly: Messy hair sticking to his damp forehead, a pretty red blush spreading across his cheeks, plushy lips parted and sucking in breaths. He smirks back, a lazy grin growing. He moves closer and kisses you, gentle brushes of his lips against yours.
His hand that sat on your throat moved to stroke your cheek, and you let your hands thread in his hair as your kiss trails off into small pecks.
The air is different around you. It’s still hot, swirling close and untempered. But there’s something else too - a coolness, an understanding. A person behind the battle lines. Someone you could lean on, and someone who could keep up with you in an argument.
You pull back from him and look at him, his eyes slightly starry and his lips swollen from all they had been doing. With a soft smile you rub your thumb across his cupid’s bow, wiping off the last of his lipgloss.
“We should probably go downstairs, right? We don’t want Namjoon sticking that long neck of his out here.” Jimin whispers, his eyes finally focusing on you.
You nod, but not before pressing one last soft kiss to his lips. Now you’ve started, there was nothing in the world that could stop you from peppering him.
“Yeah.” You sigh, voice cracking slightly.
But neither of you move, both unwilling to be the first to break apart.
“I don’t want to leave here either.” He smirks, but it’s softer. Not the smirk he throws out to purposely disarm you, though it still has that effect on you.
“Where do we go from here though?”
“I guess we’ll have to work that out. Maybe we can discuss it if you let me take you out tomorrow?” He asks, eyes darting over your face for an answer.
Excitement crackles through you, electricity rippling through your head to the end of your fingertips. A smile rises on your face, and you can see the relief flow through Jimin.
“I’d love to.”
“Perfect. Now, let’s go and rub in the guy’s faces how well we’re getting on.” He laughs, his eyes crinkling.
He kisses you one last time, hard and fast, satiated for now. With that you finally separate, Pulling your clothes back on before facing each other again.
The shirt felt big now. Too big.
You couldn’t get close enough to him. You both head for the door when you feel Jimin’s fingers interlock with yours. Your entire body flushes as you open the door to the bedroom, the wall of heat from the house hitting you both.
You’re both undeterred though, determined to find your friends. You pull him down the stairs, not caring at who stares at you both in the sickly shirt. The house felt hotter, a visible mist descending over the sea of people.
You find them where they last left you, congregating around the couch. When you stop in front of them with Jimin in tow, they all take it upon themselves to scrutinise you. It was quiet for a long while, and you could feel your resolve buckling. You didn’t want them to see through you, see what happened. But you wanted them to know that things would be okay. For all of you.
You can only imagine how you looked. Out of breath and flustered, both of your hair messy and fully damp. They couldn’t see your hands knotted together inside the shirt, but they didn’t need to. The demeanor change between you both must have been glaringly obvious.
“How’s it going?” Namjoon asks, glaring between you.
“Good, we, uh. We’re getting on. Yeah.” you smile awkwardly, completely lost on why you were being so suspicious. You had more guts than that!
“That was smooth.” Jimin grins. He was worlds away from you, utterly content and calm.
“Oh my god, shut up.” You roll your eyes, but give his hands an extra squeeze under the shirt.
“Where have you guys been? I haven’t seen you all night.” Jungkook asks with wide innocent eyes, and for a moment you feel like if he knew what had just been happening he would have been tainted.
“Oh, just… exploring.” Jimin smirks, and you fight the urge to pinch him. Who knew this would go to his head?
Well, you knew. You shouldn’t be surprised at all.
“About time.” Jin sighs, eyes still glued to his phone. The others laugh and throw in their agreements.
“What?” you and Jimin both yell, eyes scanning your ‘friends’ suspiciously.
“We knew you both liked each other. It got a bit weird towards the end there but we knew you’d work it out - or Namjoon would.” Hoseok shrugs, but his face is bright as he grins at you both.
“The shirt was a bit of a, well… drastic option.” Namjoon's smile was crooked, but his eyes were bright as he grinned at you.
“Oh… I don’t know what to say.” You murmur, heat creeping across your face again.
Jimin, however, throws his head back and laughs, slapping a hand on his chest for good measure. You stare up at him in shock, but you can’t help the smile that grows on your face. He was infectious. And your friends understood. You feel a tightness unfurl in your stomach.
“Well, it worked out. It worked out really well. I mean just so so good-”
“Jimin, shut up!”  You gasp, eyes wide as he winks at Namjoon.
Well, it’s good to know that the fire is still there between you. He was still impossibly infuriating and unendingly Jimin - but it was all for you. And it was only the start.
“Sorry baby.” He whispers as he lets go of your hand to wrap his arm around your waist pulling you into his side. You flush at the move in front of the others, but easily melt into his side. You had been waiting for this, after all.
“I’m glad.” smiles Namjoon, warm eyes flicking over you both in the stained and rumpled ugly item of clothing. “Maybe we should burn the shirt, though. Just for hygienic reasons.”
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tenthgrove · 3 years
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Hello, can I request La Squadra members falling in love for a civilian they see constantly? ex: the waitress from a restaurant they frequent, the owner of their favorite bakery. I hope my request is understandable, my english is basic.
La Squadra Falling for a Civilian
La Squadra x Reader (GN), Romantic, SFW
Formaggio- Formaggio is less guarded with his trust than an assassin perhaps should be. A fellow commuter on the bus or train, a reveler at the nightclub, just anyone he passes on the street really, are all people he would happily chat to if given the opportunity. He already has several friends who are civilians, and it's only a matter of time before one of them finds their way into his heart. Formaggio doesn't think about the possible consequences of having a civilian lover as much as he probably ought to, though sometimes late at night, unwelcome possibilities do occur to him. He'll be honest with you about his work, since he couldn't stand to be with you otherwise. He trusts you to keep a secret. If the rest of the team discovers your affair, Formaggio will defend your relationship with all his might, convincing them through sheer insistence that the two of you can be trusted not to let this be used against you. And for the most part, it isn't. Your relationship is uncannily normal, with plenty of dates and nights-in where the two of you can be together without the outside world having any say. There is one condition to all this, naturally. You have to take care of his cats while he's away on work. He never trusted any of the others to do it.
Illuso- Perhaps unsurprisingly, Illuso never really considered himself a relationship guy. Casual flings are a dime a dozen, but until recently it wouldn't have bothered him at all to hear he would never find love. Perhaps it was the fact you were a civilian that changed this. Spending so long around criminals had warped him, made him forget how to see the good in people and in himself. You had never known any of that life. You reminded him who he used to be. You mean the world to Illuso and he will protect you at all costs. He urges you to report any strange occurrences to him, stalkers, people asking intrusive questions, anything of the sort. The thought of someone finding out about you terrifies him, and it's that very anxiety that innevitably leads La Squadra to investigate. The first time Illuso ever shows tears to anyone in his squad, is when Risotto informs him he won't be stopping you from seeing each other. Illuso goes home to you that night and holds you close. He does something he hasn't in a long, long time. He talks about the future.
Prosciutto- Growing up, Prosciutto could never envision himself without a spouse. Children, either, if they were at all willing to have them. But once fate had brought him to Passione, he made a strict policy: no friends, no confidantes, and most certainly, no lovers outside of Passione. How quickly that went away when he met you! It was like the very fantasy of his future love had burst into reality just to greet him. He seized his moment, invited you to meet with him again, and soon after that you were lovers. For the longest time, he lies to you about his profession. Psychiatry, he claims, for the sake of an excuse not to tell you about the day-to-day details. But he thinks about the difference between his life and yours every day. He thinks a lot about how its going to be possible to settle down with you. The only thing he knows for certain, is that no matter what happens, he's going to make it possible. Only two of his colleagues know about the relationship- Pesci, as informed in a drunken, guilt-ridden confession, and Risotto, told shortly after in a private meeting with the both of you present. Risotto sighed, patted Prosciutto on the shoulder and told him he respected him, both an assassin as a friend. Though he urges you both to be cautious, he trusts you to do so. He wishes you all the best for whatever may come.
Pesci- If there's one thing Prosciutto considered fortunate about Pesci's faint-hearted personality, it was that he could not ever envision his brother chasing after pretty people when he had his back turned. Simply, Prosciutto hadn't considered someone like you coming along. A person so gentle and amicable, even Pesci would force his anxieties aside and confess his feelings to you. Pesci doesn't realise it, but he's the perfect lover- supportive and understanding, while equally ready to jump to defend you when the time calls for it. You discover fairly early on what he really does, since Pesci could never live with himself for lying, but you can tell in his eyes it doesn't reflect the real thing. It doesn't change how you feel for him. And as for the rest of the squad, Pesci is one of the few who is honest from the start. Before your first date, he goes to Prosciutto and asks for advice. Annoyed as he is that this has happened, Prosciutto realizes how good this could be for Pesci and his development. It's clear Prosciutto's own methods of installing some confidence into the boy haven't worked. Perhaps you'll have better luck.
Melone- With his primary function in the operation of his stand being to analyze people, it's only a matter of time before he finds himself developing a more long-term attachment to one of them. It doesn't matter if you were actually chosen to host his stand, or even if you were eligible. Melone is struck at once by your compatibility and eagerly starts a conversation. He charms you into accepting his number, and a Passionate romance begins shortly after. Melone hints to you that his true occupation may be outside the law, but for at least the first year he says nothing more about it, and convinces you not to care. Melone is an observant and entertaining partner. While he is not particularly fond of dates, nights indoors with him are always a pleasure. La Squadra rarely likes to pry in Melone's business, so the chances of them finding out about you early on are low. When it does happen, Melone tells them of you of his own free will in the hope you might become friends with some of them. The assassins are so chuffed with the innocent, strange specter of Melone's lover, they cannot help but let his secrecy slide.
Ghiaccio- It might be hard for an outsider to see Ghiaccio as the romantic sort, but deep down, a soulmate has always been his dream. Perhaps it's not the spectacle of romance himself but companionship, a person who understands and accepts him in the way nobody else can. Someone to spend his life with. Meeting you was an accident. He was fleeing from a hit by foot as the police approaches, when he carelessly bashed into you on the street. Despite his rude introduction you invited him into your nearby home and, realizing it was his best hope of escape, he agreed. Now that you are lovers, Ghiaccio dreams of nothing more than your warm embrace. He loves you unconditionally, and worries for you every day. When La Squadra discovers your affair, he's less in trouble for having a secret lover than for tackling whoever it was who spilled the secret to the ground. Now that the pair of you have Risotto's blessing, however, Ghiaccio is far less anxious about being with you. There's talk of you moving in together, so Ghiaccio can have his wish and hold you every night from now on.
Risotto- A lover in any context was never really on the agenda for Risotto, let alone one from such an innocuous background. Letting himself get close to you could only happen in extreme circumstances, most likely you finding him injured after a mission and treating his wounds, without the faintest clue where he got them from. Risotto didn't mean to get attached, but after that day he couldn't help but revisit you. Soon, you were meeting in secret as lovers. He does not dare be seen in public with you, but the nights you have inside together always leave your heart fluttering at the smallest smile. Still, Risotto worries about you constantly. A lover could easily be used against him, and he could never forgive himself for any harm done to you. Yet, he knows he could never bring himself to cut contact with you. The solution, he decides, is to ask you to move in with him and the squad. It will be strange, he knows, to have a civilian live amongst assassins, but it's the best way to protect you, and he trusts his men more than anyone.
Sorbet and Gelato- Having been together since the start of their adulthood, Sorbet and Gelato never anticipated a third person joining their relationship. Still, it was an unspoken truth between them that should the right person come along, they would be okay with it. They met you while they were undercover for a mission, at the end of which they pulled you aside and told them who they really were. Unlike most others they don't hold back on telling you the details of their crimes, but if you didn't run away on day one you're probably alright with that sort of thing. Despite how callous and brutal they are to most, Sorbet and Gelato treat you with the upmost sweetness. It's rare they get to show their kinder sides outside the team. On the topic of the team, they make no effort to hide their relationship with you. Nobody dares disrespect them enough to question it. It's true that your relationship with the pair may expose you to quite some danger, but don't fear. Sorbet and Gelato will protect you with all their souls.
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cheesus-doodles · 2 years
Text
The Flag We Serve Under: Chapter 1 (Old)
Masterlist
tw: yandere, female pronouns, workplace harrassment
A/N: something a little different from the content here, but this has been stuck in my head for quite a bit since I got back into the Azur Lane game again and i can't find any yandere content to feed my very niche need.
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"How could you have made such a basic mistake?" You tried your best to steel your nerves against what you knew was coming, but the loud bang as your captain slammed both hands onto his abused, groaning table still had you jump a few inches. "You stupid bitch, I've already told you a thousand times its form number 48 and not 84! Do you want to get me in trouble?"
Your voice hitched in the back of your throat. "I-"
"Shut up! I don't want to hear your excuses." The form was all but thrown at you, the paper hitting your face with a crinkle.
Entombed in this enormous metal coffin that was the Azur Lane headquarters, there was no telling whether it was day or night, but standing in front of the giant wooden desk that you have come to despise, it really did feel like it had been hours since you had been summoned into this dreaded room, even if the clock on the wall told you otherwise.
The rest of your captain's furious words washed over you like waves lapping against the shore, with the occasional stronger wave enough to reach your ears. "- ships are slacking -"
And that was enough to stir that little bit of indignation you still had left in you. Sure he could insult you as much as he liked, but to say that the girls under your command didn't work hard enough? That they weren't already putting in their best? That was a line too far.
Yet before you could muster the courage to defend those who bore the brunt of keeping humanity safe, who had no choice but to serve under your lacking leadership, you were unceremoniously dismissed with a wave of your superior's hand. "The next time you're called in here, it'll be to turn over your badge."
The angry mutters of useless women in uniform followed you as you closed your captain's door with barely a click, his last words that you caught as the soundproof door shut - about how the safety of all humanity against the Sirens was supposed to entrusted to commanders like you - was especially stinging.
At least, you mused to yourself, turning to walk down the bustling corridor, those harsh words would be lost in the chatter of the other Azur Lane staff making their way to destinations unknown in a two way stream of people gracefully flowing past - with no one to hear, there would no pitying eyes, no fake sympathy thrown in your direction. Pausing for a moment in an empty enclave to harshly wipe at your eyes with the sleeve of your uniform, you took a deep breath, willing away the tears that were threatening to gather - you were really trying your best even if it didn't quite show, giving your all to a job that you never asked for.
But it seemed, you stepping out into the harsh light of the afternoon sun that blinded your sensitive eyes, that the effort and soul you put into this thankless job was for naught - all you received was another harsh barking at, another threat to tear away everything you worked so hard for.
"Commander~"
You didn't stop for the familiar voice, hot tears that you could no longer stop burning your skin as they trailed their way down your cheeks, as you strided towards the dock as quickly as your legs could carry you, but alas it was not fast enough.
"Com-man-der." All but yanked backwards into a pair of familiar, tan arms, you would have toppled over if not for the lean yet muscular body that blocked your one way path to meet the ground, long white hair tied up into two messy ponytails flopping down into your view. "Why are you trying to run from me? Come lie down with me on the grass for a bit."
Damn. That goes your hope of escaping back to Base Command on one of your fleet's less nosy ships - you could see Indianapolis had already her ship out and ready to sail. But the guilt had already begun to set into the base of your gut even before that thought had finished forming in your mind - Alabama wasn't being nosy. She was just showing concern, like you did for all those under your charge.
"Thank you, Alabama, but there is still work waiting for me." Forcing a painful grimace on your face that you hoped could pass as a smile, you knew that the other didn't - couldn't - miss your obviously red eyes and nose, nor the tears trailing down your cheeks that glittered in the gentle light of the evening sun.
The other frowned, her usual tired red eyes instantly sharpening as she carefully studied your face, but you were thankful when she didn't mention your crestfallen expression, instead opting to tug you in the direction of her manifested ship sitting idly in dock, anchored a little aways from another ship you recognised as part of your small fleet. "Sail with me," came her simple request, and you couldn't find it in yourself to deny her - not the first ship you ever had the opportunity to have under your command - allowing her to pull you up onto deck and to the small makeshift office you once called your second home - you rarely had the opportunity to sail anymore with your ever growing workload.
The thick steel door swung open to reveal an entirely unchanged room, your simple wooden desk where it had always been, tucked neatly in one corner of the small room. And Alabama definitely had been keeping the place straightened and tidied even in your time away, with not a speck of dust to be found, the carpet as plush and fresh as the first day you stepped aboard. "Thank you, Alabama." You repeated, barely a whisper as you turned to face your companion, patiently waiting right by the door with your briefcase lazily held in hand, setting it down the side table.
A nod, right before the white-haired girl pulled you into a hug, soft and warm. "Make sure you come to my room tonight to cuddle. I can't sleep otherwise."
A genuine laugh slipped your lips, your sea legs keeping you steady as the ship under you lurged, pulling away from port towards the infinite ocean that peaked over the horizon. "I'll see what I can do."
The sun had long set in the distance when Alabama picked up the sound of light thuds against wooden decking making their way towards her, the neverending sea of stars now reigning the dark, moonless sky. Being part of a small fleet made it easy to identify the others, and the sound of those boots alone gave away their owner.
"No threats in the vicinity. Helena's taking the next watch." Baltimore leaned back against the rail guards, her short brown hair tossed every way, her riggings barely squeaking as they moved out of the way. A pause. "Commander's office lights are still on. It's getting late."
Red eyes met yellow ones. "He made her cry again."
But all Baltimore replied with was a world weary sigh. They both knew of the emotional and mental beating that you took every time you were summoned to the Azur Lane Headquarters despite being one of few commanders able to work with ships like them. Despite only you being able to see past their rigging and weapons and their creation as Siren destroyers for the human soul they had inside. Despite being the only thing that stood between the Sirens and humanity.
"I'll kill him." Came Alabama's unusually quiet voice, barely audible over the sound of waves crashing against the hull of her ship if not for the gentle seabreeze that floated her resolution over, the flash of anger that quickly subsided back into tired eyes enough to back her words up. It was rare to see the youngest of the South Dakota class ships flare her temper, but Baltimore knew better than to question the other's protectiveness of you.
"And I'll help." Baltimore quipped, earning herself a small smirk before the joking tone turned serious once more again. "But Commander needs a larger fleet first."
You needed enough ships on your side that no one would stop them massacring whoever dared to lay a finger on you. The ship underneath their feet almost seemed to groan in agreement as the two turned to make their way back to your office. "I'll still be the first she oaths."
"Goes without saying, Alabama."
One day those bastards would get the hell they deserved at the end of her scythe and canons, but for now, Alabama thought, the steel door silently swinging open to reveal you - head tucked neatly into the crook of your elbow, rumpled uniform lifting to show more skin than you usually cared to, fast asleep among your pile of papers - for now she had to take care of you.
A world without you was one not worth living in.
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robininthelabyrinth · 3 years
Text
Same River Twice (aka Time Travel Nie Bros) - part 4 - see ao3 or tumblr part 1, part 2, part 3
-
“You know what,” Nie Mingjue said, several shichen into the most awkward conversation he’d ever been forced to overhear in his life, “I think Wei Wuxian needs more friends.”
His father stopped contemplating the window with an expression that suggested he was considering throwing himself out of it and looked at him. “So you’ve mentioned before.”
“Yes, I know,” Nie Mingjue said, because he had in fact brought it up after Nie Huaisang’s no doubt unintentionally apt suggestion. “But on second thought, he needs them urgently. As does Huaisang. You don’t want them growing up barbaric and unsocialized, do you?”
His father mouthed the words ‘barbaric and unsocialized’ to himself, looking delighted. “By which you mean that you’d like to take them to visit the Lan sect, I assume?” he asked, not bothering to hide his amusement. “To learn good habits from them there?”
“To avoid learning bad habits here,” Nie Mingjue said. “Alternatively, you could always kick all of them out so that all of us can stop getting the loud and dramatic rendition of all the different types of bad decisions adults can make, courtesy of our friends in the Jiang sect and our new guest disciples.”
“…take Zonghui with you,” his father said. “Have a nice trip. Enjoy the quiet.”
There was a better than decent chance that he was being sarcastic, but Nie Mingjue wasn’t going to wait around long enough to find out – he saluted and turned to run away at once.
“Don’t get into too much trouble!” his father shouted after him.
That was ridiculous. What sort of trouble could Nie Mingjue get into in Gusu, of all places?
-
“Nie-gongzi, has anyone ever told you that you have really weird taste in rewards?” Nie Zonghui said, looking long-suffering as always.
Wei Wuxian, who was riding on his shoulders, craned his head down to look at him. “Rewards? What is Nie-da-ge getting rewarded for?”
“He performed especially well on his first ever night hunt,” Nie Zonghui told him, while Nie Mingjue flushed red and Nie Huaisang, who was riding on his shoulders, giggled. “His father wanted to reward him, and determined to do so by granting the first request he made.”
“He didn’t tell me he was planning on doing that,” Nie Mingjue hissed. If he had, he might’ve asked to visit Yunping City to collect Meng Yao – finding a reason to go there was much harder to achieve than arranging a simple visit to the Lan sect, which would’ve happened sooner or later anyway.
His thoughts hadn’t been focused on reward at all. He’d only really, truly desperately wanted to get away from any further discussion of Sect Leader Jiang’s sex life.
(Cangse Sanren was blunt and straightforward in her speech, something Nie Mingjue greatly appreciated right up until she was shouting things about size and shape and performance and also her husband…it was absolutely mortifying, even just as a spectator, except possibly Jiang Fengmian was into things like that because he just kept on arguing. In his past-future life, Nie Mingjue had had to sit across the table from Jiang Fengmian for years, and might yet have to do so again if he was not successful in adverting his father’s death, which was something he wouldn’t be able to if he kept hearing things like this! He didn’t want to know things like this!)
No, Nie Mingjue hadn’t thought about rewards at all – had already put away all thoughts of that particular night-hunt in favor of showing of his improvement with Baxia, who practically purred in his hands when he wielded her, so that he could win his independence sooner rather than later.
Even picking Gusu as their destination had been primarily motivated by seizing on the last place anyone had mentioned to him as a plausible destination that could be sold to his father.
Nie Huaisang had asked him, all big and wide-eyed and adorable, why they were going to somewhere as far away from the Unclean Realm as the Cloud Recesses, and Nie Mingjue had blamed Nie Huaisang’s suggestion of introducing Wei Wuxian to the Lan sect.
Nie Huaisang had also asked why they were going now and Nie Mingjue had explained in a rush of tangled words that sometimes grown-ups liked to talk about private things very loudly and maybe it would be better to leave them to it.
Nie Huaisang had found that dreadfully funny for some reason, giggling until both he and Wei Wuxian were rolling around on the ground laughing their heads off at the idea of going to Gusu –
Nie Mingjue didn’t care. As long as they went, and with them his excuse to go as well!
(Besides, it would be nice to see Lan Xichen.)
“Of course he didn’t tell you about it, Nie-gongzi,” Nie Zonghui said patiently. “It was meant to be a surprise. Wouldn’t have been much of a surprise if you knew about it, would it?”
Nie Mingjue sighed. Nie Zonghui was a half-generation above him – older than him by over a decade, entitling him (if only technically) to be called uncle rather than cousin, but young enough that he sometimes felt more like a peer. Certainly once Nie Mingjue himself had become sect leader, having someone like him to help figure out how to communicate with the elders had been priceless.
That didn’t mean he didn’t want to punch the man in the face on a regular basis.
Stupid sense of humor.
“Wouldn’t da-ge be happier if he could pick what he got?” Nie Huaisang asked. “What if he’d asked for something stupid, like a map?”
Nie Mingjue reached up to one of the legs currently dangling next to his ear and pinched him lightly, making his little brother squeak and then giggle again. He wasn’t sure why Nie Huaisang was still so worried about his offer to buy him a map – he hadn’t even known that the under-five age group could have a sense of financial economy, much less guilt over it, but then again he didn’t know much about kids that age anyway – but no matter what he wasn’t having any of it.
In this life, his brother would be happy for as long as Nie Mingjue could give him.
-
Of course, making Nie Huaisang happy would be easier if he wasn’t so picky.
“Didi, didi, it’s all right,” he said, trying to be soothing and not really remembering how. “You don’t need to be afraid - Lan Xichen is a friend…I’m sorry, Xichen, I really don’t know what’s gotten into him.”
“It’s no problem,” Lan Xichen said, looking exactly as one would expect a nine-year-old being addressed as a peer by a twelve-year-old that his guardian routinely praised as a role model would be – which was to say, a little pleased, a little uncertain, and mostly confused. The shrieking four-year-old wasn’t helping matters, either. “I don’t think I’ve done anything to offend him...?”
“You’re blind,” Nie Huaisang hissed at him, tears still streaming down his face. “Blind, blind, blind!”
“No, Huaisang,” Nie Mingjue said helplessly. He had no idea where Nie Huaisang got these ideas into his head, was it a feature of early childhood or something? “He’s not – look, the bandage is around his forehead, right? Not his eyes. And since when do you have something against blind people anyway?”
Nie Huaisang buried his face into his side. “Stupid da-ge.”
Nie Mingjue patted him on the back. “Sorry,” he said to Lan Xichen again. “This isn’t exactly the first impression I was hoping for.”
Lan Xichen abruptly grinned, looking for a moment like a regular child rather than the polite and reserved young man Nie Mingjue had known for so many years – it reminded him a little of the boy from the future timeline that he’d only seen brief glimpses of through the pieces of his soul that were attached to the pieces of his body, the loud and irreverent one called Lan Jingyi.
Back then he'd wondered abstractly how exactly such a boy could be related to the Lan clan, stately and elegant even when they acted radically, and now all of a sudden he saw that boy staring out of him from Lan Xichen’s immature face.
“Bet you thought you’d look a lot more dashing, didn’t you?” Lan Xichen asked merrily. “Flying in on your swords, jumping down for a perfect landing, and then – waaaaaaah!”
Nie Mingjue laughed, because it really had happened a bit like that.
“Don’t forget the domino effect,” he said wryly, glancing over at where Wei Wuxian was being plied with treats from a bag pulled from Nie Zonghui’s sleeve – he’d started sympathy crying when Nie Huaisang had inexplicably started wailing, and was having trouble stopping even though he admitted that nothing was actually wrong with him other than having feelings. “They’re probably just over-tired from the trip.”
“Did you really fly all the way from Qinghe?” Lan Xichen asked eagerly. “All by yourself?”
“We made a lot of stops –”
“But you were on your own sword, right? Just you?”
“It’s a saber and I was carrying Huaisang, but yes, in terms of who was in charge of propulsion, it was just me.”
Lan Xichen heaved a sigh full of obvious envy, and Nie Mingjue smiled. “If you want, I can petition your uncle that you act as my guide to the surrounding environs as well as the Cloud Recesses itself? He’d have to let you fly by yourself if that was the case.”
“Oh, would you?” Lan Xichen enthused. “That would be great! I’m not that good yet, but I’m not going to get good if I don’t have a chance to practice, except Uncle is always saying that – oh, wait, I’m not supposed to say –”
“Speaking of others behind their back is prohibited,” Nie Mingjue said solemnly, then cracked up at the dumbfounded expression on Lan Xichen’s face. “No, I’m sorry, I won’t quote your sect rules at you, I promise, it was just a joke…”
“You’d better!”
He rather liked this enthusiastic version of Lan Xichen, Nie Mingjue thought.
Even Nie Huaisang seemed to have gotten over his initial fright to start begrudgingly enjoying all of Lan Xichen’s chattering and bustling around – Nie Mingjue thought he might, given that Lan Xichen currently reminded him immensely of an extremely chatty blue-breasted quail and Nie Huaisang had always liked those. There was so much life in Lan Xichen, good humor and cheer filling him up until he was practically bursting with it; he hadn’t yet had to learn how to hold back his feelings and hide them, hadn’t yet learned that the only acceptable way to interact with others was through a carefully practiced smile.
Perhaps what was why Lan Xichen had been so drawn to Meng Yao, Nie Mingjue reflected – Meng Yao had hidden himself underneath a smile, too. Where he himself had admired Meng Yao for what he had thought was his strength of character, his ability to ignore the jibes and the slights he faced in favor of carrying on and doing what must be done, just as Nie Mingjue longed to be able to do, perhaps Lan Xichen had from the very first moment seen Meng Yao as someone in need of sympathy and affection. Perhaps it had been his own suffering projected onto Meng Yao’s open, facile face that had so tugged on his heartstrings.
It was a little odd, though.
It was a long time ago, but Nie Mingjue recalled meeting Lan Xichen when they were both quite young, and if he put his mind to thinking about it, he was pretty sure they would have met in about two years’ time – his fourteen to Lan Xichen’s eleven, with Nie Huaisang nearly six and Lan Wangji nearly seven. And yet the Lan Xichen he had met had been so very different from this, far more serious and reserved, quiet more often than not, that practiced smile already on his face and only with great reluctance melting into something real…
He wondered why there had been such a great change.
In the meantime, Nie Mingjue relieved Nie Zonghui of his duties on account of their safety – the older man had been to Gusu before for discussion conferences, and looked extremely bored – and took Nie Huaisang’s hand in one hand and Wei Wuxian’s in the other, and the three of them followed Lan Xichen around as he pointed out all the things he liked best.
Wei Wuxian broke away at one point and sped into the brush, shrieking something about a rabbit, and when they gave chase and found him again, he’d somehow bumped into Lan Wangji, who with his white clothing and solemn expression resembled nothing so much a bunny himself.
“Nie-da-ge, this is my friend!” Wei Wuxian hollered, even though they couldn’t have been talking for more than a few minutes before the rest of them caught up. “His name’s Lan Zhan! I’m keeping him forever!”
Nie Huaisang sniggered, and Nie Mingjue poked him – it was rude to laugh at other people’s earnestness.
“That’s nice, Wuxian,” he said, and formally saluted Lan Wangji, knowing how much the other boy liked rules and things being done right. “I’m pleased to meet you, Wangji. I hope we can be friends as well.”
Lan Wangji stared at him mutely for a long moment, and then his entire face slowly turned bright red as if he were boiling.
Nie Mingjue blinked, unsure about the reason for such an extreme reaction, but standing beside him Lan Xichen cackled. “Oh, oh, this is great,” he crowed. “Wait till I tell Mom!”
Lan Wangji attempted to bite him, which naturally made Wei Wuxian leap to his friend’s assistance, and somehow Nie Huaisang ended up wading into the fray with a stick that he waved around like a war-fan, seeking inexplicably to defend Lan Xichen despite having previously displayed no fondness for him at all.
Nie Mingjue waded in as well, of course, trying to separate them and somehow ending up as everyone’s target when they realized that he was strong enough to pick them all up and toss them (lightly) into the piles of soft grass that covered the meadow, even Lan Xichen, and at that point they all threw themselves at him eagerly in order to be throw back.
Nie Mingjue wasn’t really thinking about that, though. He was thinking about what Lan Xichen had said.
He was thinking about – Mom.
Not Nie Mingjue’s own, naturally. She’d been gone since he was younger than Nie Huaisang was now. Perhaps it was because Nie Mingjue had his father and his aunts and his uncles, but he had never really felt the lack of her all that much, except maybe when he needed to learn some etiquette he didn’t know or when his peers spoke fondly of their own mothers. Nor was he thinking of Nie Huaisang’s mother, who had been very nice and whose untimely death had upset him immensely; he honestly hadn’t thought of either of them in years and years by the time he’d died.
But rather, he thought about Lan Xichen’s mother – Lan Wangji’s mother –
Nie Mingjue hadn’t learned the story of her fate until much, much later in life, when he was very nearly an adult. The Lan sect had always kept their secrets very well, and he might never have learned the details if it hadn’t been for Lan Xichen willingly divulging them. He’d told him the whole awful story of how his mother had not loved his father even though he loved her, how she had killed someone dear to him, how he had married her to save her and gone into seclusion to punish himself, how the Lan sect, ever concerned with its face, had covered it all up by forcing her into permanent seclusion…
The story had never really sat right with him. A punishment was one thing, entirely justifiable; murder was murder, and life imprisonment was a valid sentence, a valid commutation of the death sentence that she probably ought to have received. It was not Nie Mingjue’s place to question how the Lan sect selected and imposed punishments…
And yet, something about it had always felt rotten.
Maybe it was only that the Nie sect didn’t believe in solitary imprisonment. Or, well, really solitary anything, with even seclusion being done in a relatively well-traveled area so that those inside could, if they wished, open a one-sided window to hear the noise and know that their family was around them. Even their tombs, their saber halls, were joined together into what was practically a necropolis – even in death, the Nie sect would rather be together than apart.
If he recalled correctly, Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji’s mother would soon be taken away from them for good. She’d died when Lan Xichen was – ten? Ten to Lan Wangji’s six, yes, that sounded right.
A year from now, then. Less, maybe.
“– xiongzhang is da-ge, not er-ge!”
“No, you don’t understand, my da-ge is older – and bigger – so he’s da-ge, and your xiongzhang is er-ge, and that means you’d be san-ge, and Wei-gege is – wait, which one of you is older?”
“Huaisang, it doesn’t work that way, we’re not the same family –”
“What are you even talking about?” Nie Mingjue asked, abruptly coming out of his thoughts. They’d continued playing while he daydreamed, and now Lan Xichen was perched on his back like a monkey, with Nie Huaisang on one of Nie Mingjue’s shoulder while Wei Wuxian hung off the other arm’s bicep and Lan Wangi clung to his neck in front like a sloth on a branch, as Nie Mingjue demonstrated that he could, in fact, keep walking with all of them attached. Every single one of them seemed to think this was the absolute height of entertainment. “Who’s related to what now? Huaisang, can’t you just call Xichen Xichen-ge or something?”
“Oh, fine. Xichen-gege! Xichen-gege!”
“Nie-didi! Nie-didi!”
“Too loud,” Lan Wangji sniffed.
“Didn’t you hear Lan Zhan?!” Wei Wuxian promptly hollered at the top of his lungs. “You’re all being too loud!”
“I’m going to throw each and every one of you into a pond,” Nie Mingjue said. “One by one, if I have to.”
“Do you promise?” Lan Xichen giggled in his ear. “That sounds like fun!”
“Actually,” Nie Mingjue said, “I had a different thought. How about we play hide-and-seek?”
-
The advantage of future knowledge, Nie Mingjue thought, was that he knew exactly where Madame Lan’s home was and how to get there within the time period he’d suggested for the initial hiding.
The disadvantage was that he was so focused on achieving his goal that he forgot that what implications might be taken from a twelve-year-old boy breaking into a woman’s home, especially at a time when she wasn’t expecting visitors.
“I’m so sorry!” he all but shrieked, covering his eyes even though he had already turned his back. “Please put on clothing!”
“Oh, your face –” Madame Lan was guffawing. “You’re so red – boy, you don’t have to throw yourself out the window in penance or anything. I’m still wearing my inner robe, you can’t even see anything.”
“It’s still inappropriate!”
“Could be worse. I could’ve been –”
“Please don’t finish that sentence,” he begged. “I swear I’m not actually doing this because I have a crush on you, so please, please, please don’t give me any details about what you do in the privacy of your own home, okay? And stop offering me your under-things! I don’t want them!”
“I was only doing laundry,” she said, almost crying with laughter. “I didn’t mean to throw my underwear at your face, it was really just the closest thing to hand…who are you, anyway? Shouldn’t you be introducing yourself to me?”
“I’ll introduce myself when you’re dressed and not a moment earlier.”
“Oh, all right, have it your way. Give me a moment.” There was some rustling. “All right, turn around.”
He peeked and sighed with relief: Madame Lan was, in fact, appropriately dressed in a lovely white silk dress, adorned with the typical Lan sect cloud embroidery and everything. The style was a little freer and less conservative than he might have expected to see the mistress of a Great Sect wearing, but then again he supposed she’d never actually had to do the work associated with it. It was hard to host a society party from seclusion…
“Qinghe Nie’s Nie Mingjue greets He Kexin, Madame Lan,” he said, saluting properly. “I’m a visitor to your sect.”
“I hadn’t realized that we were anticipating visitors from another Great Sect,” she remarked. “Normally there’s a great deal more hustle and bustle involved with preparing to receive a visit.”
“It’s an informal one,” Nie Mingjue explained. “Somewhat, uh, abrupt. We didn’t send word in advance. You see, we recently accepted Cangse Sanren and her husband as guest disciples, and shortly thereafter the Jiang sect paid us an unexpected visit…”
Madame Lan had clearly heard about that disaster, if the way she put her hand over her mouth in a futile attempt to stifle her chortling was any indication.
“I think I see the issue, being as I happen to remember Cangse Sanren very well,” she said, her eyes dancing. “What a troublemaker. She even shaved off Qiren-xiaoshuzi’s beard one time! I’m guessing based on the way you turned into a boiled crayfish that she scared you out of your own home?”
Nie Mingjue opened his mouth to protest, except, well, that wasn’t entirely inaccurate…
“What a charming little egg you are! You’re such a rotten liar that you can’t even do it to save face.”
“Being dishonest isn’t saving face,” Nie Mingjue said, even though his face felt like it was burning and he was probably just as red as she said he was. “The truth is what the truth is, that’s all. You’re not wrong, that’s more or less what happened – I brought Huaisang and Wuxian here so that we could get away from all the yelling.”
“You picked a good place for that,” Madame Lan said, and there was a dull look in her eye all of a sudden. Nothing like the liveliness from a few moments before. “There’s nowhere like the Cloud Recesses for quiet.”
Nie Mingjue bit his lip, not quite sure how to say what he wanted to say. Right up until that moment, she hadn’t seemed at all sick, the way he’d thought she’d be – less than a year before she died, from what he remembered of Lan Xichen’s stories. He’d assumed she’d already be ill with the early stages whatever it was that had eventually taken her from her sons.
But now, he didn’t think she was sick, not really, only…bored.
Dreadfully, horribly bored. The sort of bored that drained your life away bit by bit.
Formal training in swordsmanship and scholarship began at six at the Cloud Recesses, Nie Mingjue abruptly remembered. There were plenty of lessons prior to that, of course, but at age six they would become formalized, the children shifting over from the realm of babies to proper young-adults-to-be. Once Lan Wangji turned six, Madame Lan would have had nothing to look forward to in life.
Nothing, except for her children starting to drift further and further away from her: nothing to do, no purpose, no friends…
Just boredom.
“The Unclean Realm has a communal prison,” he blurted out, and then smacked his hands into his face to hide his shame for being such an inconsiderate ass. Why had he thought he could do this by himself?
He wasn’t even sure what he’d originally come here to accomplish, other than to let Madame Lan know that she ought to see a doctor sooner rather than later in the hopes that they would be able to catch and stymie whatever disease it had been that had killed her, except now of course Nie Mingjue understood that it was no disease at all.
“…what?” she said blankly.
It was too late to retreat, so Nie Mingjue gathered up every bit of courage he’d ever had and barreled onwards.
“I just mean,” he said, tripping over his words, “if you’d like to be – a bit less quiet. Even if your sentence is life imprisonment, surely you don’t have to necessarily serve it here, right?”
Madame Lan stared at him. His shoulders started creeping up to his ears.
“Actually,” she said abruptly, “I was never sentenced.”
He gaped at her. “You – what?”
“Qiren-xiaoshuzi pushed for it, said it was only fair that I knew the exact contours of my punishment, but the sect elders refused,” she explained. “They didn’t want to lose face by having a trial at all, not even privately.”
“But – but if you haven’t been sentenced, you can’t be imprisoned!”
“Is that so?” she asked, looking amused.
“You can’t,” Nie Mingjue insisted, horrified. “The laws of war say that someone can be executed on the spot for committing a crime, but in peacetime they have to be sentenced first even if you catch them red-handed. What if your accuser recants his accusation, whether because he was wrong or because he decided not to press charges? If they recant, you can’t be tried; if you can’t be tried, even if everyone knows you’ve done wrong, you still must be released. No trial, no sentence, no imprisonment!”
“Tell that to the Lan sect,” she said dryly. “Not even my husband could do more than he did to forestall my punishment, and he’s sect leader. Nominally, anyway.”
This did seem to be a problem of the Lan sect. Of all sects, really – he had his own share of old men causing issues and sticking their noses into things – but he’d never had anywhere near the problem with the sect elders as Lan Xichen had had with his Lan sect.
“Why should I?” Nie Mingjue asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t see why we have to tell them anything at all.”
-
“Why are we doing this?” Nie Huaisang asked, tugging on Nie Mingjue’s sleeve.
“I already explained,” Nie Mingjue said, which he had. He’d also explained that he’d run in there by accident while looking for a place to hide, and he’d tried to look as much like a stupid twelve-year-old as possible when he said it. “About the lack of a trial –”
Nie Huaisang tugged again. “Not that. Why are we rescuing her?”
“Because she might die if we don’t,” Nie Mingjue said. “She’s very bored in there all by herself.”
“So?”
“What do you mean, so? It’d make Xichen and Wangji sad if she died.”
“So?”
“So they shouldn’t be sad if they don’t have to be! I don’t want them to be sad because they lost a parent…don’t you remember being sad about your mom having died, Huaisang?”
“No,” Nie Huaisang said. “I had da-ge.”
Nie Mingjue sighed. He’d keep this conversation in mind for later when Nie Huaisang was old enough to actually understand the concept of death, and then he’d use it to torment him forever.
“Wouldn’t you be sad if da-ge died, then?” he asked, and felt Nie Huaisang’s hands abruptly clutch tight on his arms. “There you go. That’s why we’re doing this.”
Nie Huaisang nodded, but he was still scowling a little in his adorable childhood way, and Nie Mingjue thought for a second that he heard him murmuring something about inviting unnecessary trouble under his voice, but…whatever, it wasn’t important.
What was more important was that Lan Xichen had arrived with what Nie Mingjue had asked him to fetch for him, his cheeks bright pink with excitement. “Nie-da-ge,” he hissed even though there wasn’t anyone in the area, thrusting the package into Nie Mingjue’s arms. “I got it!”
“Good,” Nie Mingjue said, then paused. “Er, you don’t mind, do you?”
“Mind? Mind what?”
“That I’m kind of, uh, well – I mean, I’m kidnapping your mother. You won’t be able to see her as often as you do now if this works…”
“She’ll be free,” Lan Wangji, trailing behind Lan Xichen as always, said solemnly. Then he stuck his thumb in his mouth, which somewhat ruined the effect.
Wei Wuxian, who’d rushed over to stand next to him as soon as he’d seen him, hugged him tightly. “You’ll come over all the time,” he assured him. “My mom will like your mom, and we’ll all go outside and play all the time. We’ll be really happy!”
Lan Wangji sniffed and buried his face into Wei Wuxian’s shoulder.
“It’s like Wangji said,” Lan Xichen said. His eyes were intense. “She’s not happy here, she’s not free here, and we only see her once a month anyway – less, in the future, once we’re both busy with lessons all the time. If she can be free somewhere else…you will let us come visit, right?”
“As often as you’re allowed,” Nie Mingjue promised, as it was about all he could do. “I’ll talk to my father about it…”
His father would probably have a fit.
Still, this was an injustice. Even if his father disagreed, it was something he had to do. He’d justify it with reference to their sect principles, and take any punishment duty his father chose to impose.
“It doesn’t matter, he’ll agree,” he said firmly. “You’ll definitely be able to visit.”
“Can I raise an objection?” Nie Zonghui said mournfully from where he was hovering by the side of the clearing. “Possibly two – no, three objections.”
Nie Mingjue looked at him and tilted his head to the side in silent question.
“One, your father said not to get into trouble, if you’ll trouble yourself to remember back that far,” he said, raising a finger. “Two, how exactly do you plan to break the array keeping Madame Lan imprisoned? And three, even if you do break it, how do you plan to get her out?”
The first was irrelevant. The other two…
“We’re going to walk out the front gate,” Nie Mingjue said, and opened up the package Lan Xichen had gotten him – as he’d suspected, there had been spare robes for Qinghe Nie disciples left behind from the previous discussion conference, and sure enough the Lan sect had kept hold of them as a courtesy to the owners. “The Lan sect has never affirmatively stated that Madame Lan wasn’t allowed to leave; they just said she was too sickly to do so. Therefore, if we leave with a Nie sect disciple who is clearly capable of walking out, there’s nothing they can do to stop us without admitting that it’s her and that she’s a prisoner – which they won’t do, because then they’d lose face.”
“That barely counts as a plan,” Nie Zonghui said, and for some reason Nie Huaisang nodded in agreement. “But sadly I think it might actually work.”
Nie Huaisang looked betrayed.
“It will work,” Lan Xichen said. “Especially if you insist that she’s one of yours. They won’t be able to call you out without calling you a liar, and they wouldn’t want to do that. Not publicly, not about this.”
“Won’t there be a problem that she’s a girl wearing boy’s clothing?” Wei Wuxian asked, patting Lan Wangji’s head.
“No, that’s not a problem in Qinghe,” Nie Huaisang told him. “You’re new, so you’re not used to it, but it really isn’t. I mean, she could be misaligned or something, it’s not our business.”
“And we won’t be lying about her being one of ours,” Nie Mingjue said. “Since I’ve offered her sanctuary in our sect, it’s even technically true.”
Nie Zonghui sighed. “And if they ask Lan-gongzi and Lan-er-gongzi if she’s their mother?”
“Wangji won’t say anything,” Lan Xichen said at once. “And I’ll – I’ll lie if I have to.”
He was truly unbearably cute at this age.
Nie Zonghui appeared to be suffering from a similar problem, reaching over and patting him lightly on the head in helpless amusement. “Okay, okay. Let’s hope they don’t ask,” he said. “But – Nie-gongzi, we still have the second problem. How do you intend to get Madame Lan out of the imprisonment array?”
Nie Mingjue patted his cousin – who he knew from his future experience was one of the finest array breakers in their sect, a charming side-effect courtesy of his dual-wielded saber cultivation style – on the shoulder. “I intend to delegate.”
Nie Zonghui blinked, then glared. “I walked myself into that one, didn’t I?”
“You did,” Nie Mingjue said peaceably. “Can you break it? I can use Baxia, if it’ll help.”
“Hmph. Yes, it would help a great deal, but will she agree to consume an array for you? That’s fairly high-grade work, and talent or no talent, you’re still fairly new to mastering the saber.”
Nie Mingjue put his hand on Baxia’s blade, which felt warm and pleased. Practically purring. At some point he would need to investigate why she was so happy all the time – she’d never been this compliant in his first life, and he’d expected her to be more vicious, not less. “Yes, she’ll be happy to help.”
“Fine. Let’s go.” Nie Zonghui paused briefly. “Also, if your father asks, you held Baxia to my throat and made me do it. It was definitely not me being curious about whether or not I could break such a complicated array.”
“Of course it wasn’t,” Nie Mingjue said understandingly, and drew Baxia. “All right. Let’s go get ourselves banned from the Cloud Recesses.”
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atagotiak · 3 years
Text
Time Traveling Quasi-Reformed Vader
A whole bunch of scattered thoughts with help from @phoenixyfriend​ and @dracothulhu​
So. One thing that’s fun is Darth Vader fics where he has not fully developed a moral compass, but he’s willing to outsource that to people who do have one.
Another thing that’s fun is time travel AUs
So Post-RotJ (and post reunion with Ghost!Obi-Wan) Anakin wakes up. Which is a little weird, he thought consciousness might work differently when you’re dead and all that.
What’s even weirder is he’s like, 15.
Now. He knows that Palpatine can’t be trusted with power. And also just like, on a personal level, he hates Palpatine’s guts now, so he’s not interested in joining him again.
Padmé is pretty great but like. That’s complicated, not least because he hasn’t re-met her yet he knows even less about how to approach pretty women than he did when he was 19, which is kind of impressive. So, approaching Padmé is tabled for uh. Sometime after he gets a little more stable and learns how to function in society as something other than a murder-cryptid.
And also, he knows that Obi-Wan has always cared about Anakin. To the point of still caring about him decades after the worst of betrayals and even after literally being murdered by Anakin. So naturally, Anakin is all-in on the unhealthy devotion.
And crucially here. Obi-Wan has not time travelled. He has no idea what’s going on. Anakin doesn’t want to disappoint Obi-Wan or make him sad and there’s just no not-awkward way to say ‘Hey I don’t know if it was the galaxy’s most intense vision or if my soul literally went back in time, but I fell and destroyed everything you love and then killed you in a possible future’
But still. He wants to make Obi-Wan happy. And also he does want to do good. He feels guilt about the things he (hasn’t yet) done and this is an opportunity to do better. But he still has spent two and a half decades being Darth Vader.
I want you to imagine teenage Anakin asking questions like: “Hey Obi-Wan, how much torture is too much?” “Any torture is too much torture Anakin!”
Anakin is skeptical but hey, torture makes Obi-Wan upset, so. No torture.
The other thing that would be disturbing to Obi-Wan is how deferential Anakin now is. TCW Anakin is perfectly happy bickering with Obi-Wan about everything and I feel like that probably started as a teenager.
Now he’s not like that. Sith hells, even when he sneaks out and does concerning stuff it’s mostly just to impress Obi-Wan.
And yes, Anakin has always wanted to impress Obi-Wan. But this is different.
The speech patterns, especially early on, also can’t help.
From Dracothulu:
cracking puberty voice "what is thy bidding, Master"
Anakin’s entire personality has changed overnight in some very concerning ways. Poor Obi-Wan is going to have a meltdown over all of this.
From Phoenixyfriend:
Obi-Wan getting calls at 3 AM from Anakin like "Hey... I have a sith lord at my mercy, should I kill him?" "Anakin what the ACTUAL FUCK"
"I'm pretty sure this is a 'murder good' situation but I thought the same thing about the Tuskens--" "ANAKIN WHAT"
"When did you find a Sith, I'm--aren't you on Coruscant right now?"
"I walked into the Senate and picked a fight with Sidious. I think I should kill him, he's too dangerous to leave alive, but maybe you want him for information? Or--"
"Anakin who the fuck is Sidious"
Just imagine Anakin like a very proud cat dropping a (not yet dead!) mangled mouse at Obi-Wan’s feet. Only the mouse is a Sith
But honestly, I’m not sure he’d go straight for Palpatine, Anakin is absolutely an impulsive and fighty person, but he’s probably still pretty afraid of Palpatine and he is a formidable fighter, especially now that he’s a few decades younger. Taking Palpatine down is definitely the plan but maybe not immediately. He does find some excuse to distance himself though. Anakin just can’t spend that much time pretending to genuinely like him anymore.
He would absolutely run off for a bit and do this with Maul.
Nixy:
Cats bringing you half-dead spiders is a time-honored tradition
"He killed your space dad so it's your decision if you want to kill him"
"Anakin there are SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THAT SENTENCE"
"So... you want ME to decide if he dies?"
"NO"
Much like a cat he is confused by Obi-Wan being disturbed weirded out by this.
Nixy:
In Anakin's defense, bringing half-dead enemies to his master's feet was one of the few things that made Sidious less likely to torture him for kicks
It's a learned behavior
“I thought stopping Sith was a good thing?”
“Well, yes. But you should wait until you’re older. And better at ethics.”
The way he handles Dooku is actually more subtle. By comparison, at least. As while evil grandpa is definitly evil by this point, he is still well-respected by the Jedi (who have no reason to suspect him of anything evil yet) and giving an injured Dooku to Obi-Wan as a present would go even worse than with Maul. He spams Dooku with anonymous messages about how Palpatine is a dick who’s going to betray him. He also keeps an eye out for any suspicious things Anakin could actually act on.
Anakin runs into nine year old Ahsoka, and yes he feels guilty but he’s always feeling guilty about something. He quickly becomes a mentor for her again and when Obi-Wan finds out he’s a little concerned and wants to supervise. Not for Ahsoka’s safety. But he does worry about what Anakin might be teaching her.
(Ahsoka does start biting people more often after she starts hanging out with Anakin)
Obi-Wan, seeing Anakin’s newfound interest in kids (or at least one kid) signs him up for some part time crèche assistant things. Both to give him some supervised time with kids in the hopes that it’ll be calming and constructive and a liiitle bit beacause Anakin could probably benefit from secondhand kindergarten level “outside of a sparring ring hands are not for hitting” lessons
This is, at least at first, drastically less grounding for Anakin than intended, though he doesn’t ever complain. (And helping teach kids how to behave does help a bit with reminding him what social norms are)
I feel like he doesn’t end up a crèchemaster. Too many bad memories and too much guilt to be caring for these kids full-time. But he does keep teaching the occasional class for little kids, like binary for beginners, or how to make basic circuits.
They asked him to teach introductory saber lessons once because he’s good with lightsabers and good at teaching. He had a breakdown.
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featherfur · 3 years
Text
I would love a Fix-it Au where Nie Huaisang fails to kill Jin Guangyao (maybe he slips through his fingers, maybe he just slits Lan Wangji’s throat the second he has the chance and Su She never has a moment to go get Huaisang because he has to hold back Lan Xichen and Wei Wuxian so Huaisang can’t maneuver the playing field). So he goes back in time and just stabs Jin Guangyao and blames Xue Yang.
(More below the cut)
Huaisang’s not an idiot, he knows he’s not the smartest person in the room he’s just the best at adapting. Jin Guangyao can set up all the pieces but if something doesn’t go right he flounders, but Nie Huaisang has grown up as a Nie and no one in the Nie make sense or follow predictable patterns so he adapts easily. He had a back up plan, of course, if things went south but he wasn’t expecting things to go so south. So he approaches Wei Wuxian, grieving at Lotus Pier where Jiang Cheng brought him when he found him and Jin Ling frozen at the temple. Wei Wuxian hadn’t said a word since, clutching Bichen and Lan Wangji’s headband so tightly even Lan Qiren didn’t have the heart to pull it away.
Huaisang sits beside him, wondering how Jiang Cheng is handling his newly mute brother but he doesn’t worry too long, if things go right this time he won’t ever have to feel that. If things go wrong… well, he’ll be dead anyways so why not try?
He quietly passes him the spell he found in the Lan Forbidden Library (Jin Guangyao isn’t the only one who had Lan Xichen wrapped around his finger all these years, Huaisang was always his didi the moment they met even before he and Mingjue were sworn brothers) and says “let me fix this, please.”
Wei Wuxian doesn’t know why Huaisang thinks he needs to fix it, he doesn’t know that Huaisang is the reason the feared Yiling Patriarch is back instead of an actual demon, doesn’t know he sent the sword arm to Mo Village, doesn’t know he set up the meeting in Yi City, doesn’t know anything. But he takes the papers and stares at them and he knows and part of him, a fierce bold part of him filled with empathy and love and hope, wants to fight Huiasang on it. If this spell failed Huiasang would be torn apart, his soul reduced to nothingness. But he’s tired, he’s so very tired. It has been 16 years for everyone else but for him, he’s lost his family with the Wen’s, his sister, and the love of his life all within the span of six months. He doesn’t have the strength to argue, not when the only reason he eats is because Jiang Cheng comes over three times a day and feeds him, the only reason he sleeps is because the Head Disciple (Liu Xiolan, his sisters best friend and that hurts too) brings him to his room and waits for him to sleep, the only reason he moves is because Sizhui needs him to stay alive.
So he takes the papers and he writes the rest, focusing all his energy on something that will distract him. He writes and writes until he can wake up on his own again, until he shovels food in his mouth at a pace that actually has Jiang Cheng trying to stop him after a month of forcibly pushing chicken in his face. Because this could save Lan Zhan, his Lan Zhan.
He finishes it finally, three months later with Jiang Cheng passed out beside him at three am, Jin Ling and his posse only a few feet further all curled up like a bundle of kittens from the night hunt they’d just completed to get the blood of a ghoul for the spell. When he passes it to Huiasang he isn’t expecting the hesitation when he reads it over.
“You… do understand you can’t go back right?” Huiasang says quietly, “this needs a golden core on both sides and you won’t be able to go back far enough with your current core.”
Wuxian doesn’t even bother to think about how in the hell Huiansang knows he gave up his core, since Jin Guangyao’s disappearance he’s been different and Wei Wuxian has come to realize he’s smarter than he was ever given credit for.
“Your core isn’t much stronger,” Wei Wuxian snaps but there’s no fire as he nods tiredly. “I know, I can send you back to before I died though, if your past self is willing to give in and let you merge with him. If you can save all of this from happening, I’d do anything.”
Huiasang eyes him and tucks the papers away. He doesn’t say “you know this will create an alternate timeline and you will continue to live in world without him.” Wei Wuxian knows, and he’s tired but he won’t strip Sizhui of another father.
“I’ll take care of everything, Da-Ge will stab anyone who tries to stop me.” Huiasang says as jovially as he can even though he knows it comes out flat but Wei Wuxian gives him an appreciative smile.
“Good luck,” is all he says before he’s turning around and walking wordlessly towards the Head Disciple who waits patiently for him. Huiasang makes a note of her, wondering if he can find her in the past and wiggle her into the Jiang Sect, he never met her before and he isn’t sure where exactly to find her but if he can it’ll make it much easier to have someone hold Jiang Cheng back if he starts barking and biting. (Though, he remembers with a gentle feeling of fondness, Jiang Yanli had been good at that too so if he does this right she could help him get those two idiots to being brothers again)
It takes almost two weeks to prepare the spell but he doesn’t mind taking the time to get his affairs in order. The Nie Sect never truly loved him, not after Da-Ge’s death (they used to adore him, he thinks bitterly before tossing the useless emotion away). But he had the most trustworthy members by his side throughout the whole plan against Jin Guangyao, so he assigns his heir and orders them to say they found his body dead on a night hunt. He thinks Lan Xichen will be the only one who will grieve for him, there’s only a flicker of guilt for that after all Xichen led to his brother’s death because he was too kind to listen.
He does the spell and the world goes dark and he thinks it failed, until he opens his eyes and realizes he can see. Then he feels the other consciousness rouse beside him, confused at first then absolutely pissed. He almost laughs at the indignant emotions in his past self at the idea that a ghost would be so brazen as to attempt to posses him.
It doesn’t take long to convince his past self to merge with him, he wouldn’t be dying only becoming one with his future self. Really it would just be like growing up really fast since they are the same person. It does take longer to convince him that they are the same person, nearly half a day before he gives in.
The merge is, easy honestly. Huiasang faints in the middle of walking through the fields, and wakes up a day and a half later after living through all of his memories on fast forward to a pissed (worried) Da-Ge.
He doesn’t even speak at first, he just sobs, he sobs and sobs and sobs as he holds onto him, until Da-Ge gently soothes him and the awkward strokes become gentle caresses through his hair like Huiasang is five again.
“What the hell has gotten into you?” Da-Ge asks when Huiasang can breathe again and Huiasang cries softly again and burrows into his chest and Da-Ge doesn’t ask again. He just pets his head and cradles him close until Huiasang is nearly asleep again.
Xichen visits once and Huaisang has to force himself not to bare his teeth and scream, but 20 year old Huaisang wouldn’t do that. Xichen looks so young too, his touches on Mingjue’s shoulder are full of affection and Huiasang hates him, hates him so much that he wishes Xichen died at the temple instead of Lan Wangji. He did this, because he didn’t listen to Mingjue because he fell in love with someone even though he already loved Mingjue. How could he-
Then Xichen lays a hand on his head, and 28 years of affection from his Er-ge wells in him and he throws himself forward into his arms. He wants to hate him, but this is his Er-ge. Who held him through nightmares when he visited, who went through night hunts protecting him when Da-ge couldn’t, who snuck him treats and paintings and gave Huaisang his first painted fan, who loved it when Huaisang called him Ge-ge and called him didi and spoiled him almost as much as Da-ge did.
And Da-ge loves him, loves him only less then Huaisang himself. So Huaisang can’t hate him, even if he loathes his choices and won’t ever be able to fully trust his decisions again, he can’t hate him.
Xichen takes his crying better than Mingjue did and murmurs to him quietly until he does actually pass out. Nie Zhongui almost makes him cry too but Huaisang manages not to, instead he gives him the prettiest fan he can buy because that’s how 20 year old Huaisang would say “you’re my favorite” even if 36 year old Huaisang would have just said it.
It’s two weeks until the ambush at Qiongqi Path and that’s all Huisang needs. He convinces Mingjue to take him to the celebration (much easier now with his fainting spells, and the almost full day of sobbing that Huiasang won’t explain). Thankfully Xiao Xingchen hasn’t captured Xue Yang since his escape and it provides the perfect excuse.
He quietly asks Jin Zixuan if he could go and meet Wei Wuxian at the base of the Burial Mound with Jiang Cheng before Jin Zixun even has a chance to leave, Huaisang didn’t think it would be so easy but when he mentioned being worried because of Sect Leader Yao and Ouyang, staunch haters known for screaming for Wei Wuxian’s blood, they’d both agreed immediately and Huaisang has to trust them not to be morons because he has something else that needs to be taken care of. Su She would be too late with Jin Zixun failing to arrive in time to ambush and Nie Huisang could discredit him (and possibly have him executed) immediately by showing the hundred holes curse on him. But Jin Guangyao? That was going to be personal.
A few crudely written demonic cultivation talismans (curtesy of Wei Wuxian’s Sunshot rampage where he left them fucking everywhere) and a knife shaped like Xue Yang’s familiar sword, where all Huaisang needed. That and alone time with Jin Guangyao.
That was probably the easiest bit, convincing Jin Guangyao to walk with him so Huiasang could show him his new fans. He was eager to walk with him, and Huaisang wonders as he plunges the knife through his back and into his heart between the ribs if Jin Guangyao still held affection for him in the end or if he simply wanted another pawn to use to keep Lan Xichen close.
Huiasang wished he took pleasure in the betrayal on Jin Guangyao’s face, but really? He’s just tired. It’s been 16 years of this, 16 years of loss and pain over and over again and it’s finally over.
Well nearly.
He slices his own face too and slips the knife into a qiankun pouch where he knows no one will look, after all Nie Huaisang was no good at being a cultivator much less a killer, and shoves a few talismans into Jing Guangyao’s clothes to be found later (maybe they will be, maybe they won’t but that’s not what he’s worried about).
Then he screams, he howls, he cries for Da-ge as he runs toward the gates and he’s almost surprised at how fast he gets there (he shouldn’t be, he was Da-ge’s most precious thing in the world but it’s been 14 years without him and some things he’s forgotten like the feeling of safety that comes with his brother’s rampaging steps storming to protect him from anything and everything). He throws himself into his brother’s arms and sobs, swiping through the air at the dead Jin Guangyao.
“Da-ge! He’s dead! He’s dead! San-ge!” He wails as Mingjue presses him against his chest with all the force in the world, Baxia ready to destroy anyone. “I was just showing him my fans and I only turned around to look at a bird and- and- Da-ge he…”
He sobs and dramatically yanks at Da-ge’s robes like he’s beside himself with agony and grief, and maybe he is, not for Jin Guangyao but for everyone else who lost everything because of his need to get his father’s approval.
“What? Huaisang stop crying and just spit it out.” Da-he’s harsh in such a familiar way that the tears spill out more. He’s not angry, he’s worried and he wants to hunt down his sworn brother’s killer but he won’t leave his didi behind.
“He tried to protect me, San-ge! San-ge!” There was no point in tarnishing his reputation, he hadn’t done anything yet beyond be a disgusting snake who killed the Captain and freed Xue Yang but that would be so much harder to prove when Mingjue had let the bastard go. “But he got stabbed instead! Da-ge please.”
“Who was it? Did you recognize them?” Theres louder shouts behind them, Xichen’s voice is worried but still soft as he moves to comfort him as well.
Huaisang nods frantically, reaching out to tug on Xichen’s robes like he’s terrified.
“It was Xue Yang! He said he was going to kill me then Da-ge and the rest of the Nie for imprisoning him. But San-ge pushed me out of the way and- and- and he-“ Huaisang cut himself off with another wail and his brother’s hands are firm as they tilt his head up to look at the deep cut on his face. “I screamed and he ran after taking something from San-ge.”
Mingjue tries to step forward and Huaisang sobs louder.
“Da-ge no! Please! Don’t leave, what if he comes back? He killed everyone at the Chang clan!” He howls and he’s shoved into Xichen’s arms that fold around him immediately. Huaisang ignores the tears on Xichen’s face, the tears on his brothers because their grief is nothing now compared to the future. The future of Mingjue’s death and Xichen’s loss of every brother he had.
He lets himself collapse into Xichen’s embrace as Mingjue kneels beside his sworn brother and slides his hands through the messy robes and finds the notes, written in what Huaisang would consider pretty good renditions of Jin Guangyao and Jin Guanshan’s hand writing. He hadn’t though he could actually get them to look but he was nothing if not adaptable.
Mingjue’s face is unreadable as he passes the talisman’s to Lan Xichen and Xichen’s eyes darken. Huaisang knows he won’t be there to track down Xue Yang, he doesn’t want to be at 20 years old and he doesn’t want to be there at 36 years. He wants to sleep.
He sobs until Nie Zhongui is called and then latches onto him instead, listening to him promise to protect him no matter what. He wrings out promise after promise until Nie Zhongui owes him atleast another century of personal protection and two hours a week for the next month of painting together and finally allows himself to be quieted.
He’s taken back to his quarters and only an hour later, Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng are bursting through the doors like they’re fifteen again. Both are yelling questions and he wails as he hugs them, this time it’s not fake. They’re alive and they’re not grieving messes and he has his best friends with him for the first time in sixteen years and he cries and almost laughs as they panic trying to comfort him.
He has a lot more to do, he knows. He has to protect Wei Wuxian, has to save the Wens (though he’s certain a small baby A-Yuan will make that simple, Da-ge was weak for babies), he has to make sure Jin Guangshan is either dead or discredited so Wei Wuxian can’t be hunted down, has to shove Wei Wuxian back into the Jiang Sect and let Jiang Cheng’s insane protection streak go wild, and he has so so many fans to make to give his brother after he chews him out for not telling him about the Sabers and getting him to let Wei Wuxian help. He has so much to do and he is so tired.
But he’s lighter than he’s been in ages, his brother is safe, everyone he cares about is safe and he is happy.
(This is just a very rough draft of an idea lmao)
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