#too many of us used this site as therapy

[whothecrappadoodlecares]

Let’s be real, in the next few days/months, AO3 could be like “hey, due to the unexpected costs of maintaining and updating our servers after the attack, we would need about 10K please. We would accept any penny you can bear to part with, but don’t force yourself!”

and then get 500K, a house, a brand new server, and a kidney in about the time necessary to read a 1.5k word long oneshot.

#ao3 down #ao3 #fanfic #fanfiction #fandom #too many of us used this site as therapy #They should be covered by some kind of insurance at this point #We basic bitches #if we got ao3 #then we good otherwise we panik

[mightyoctopus]

Library posts on here have me so conflicted.

On one hand, libraries can provide a lot of value to a lot of people, and it's good to inform people of this. Like, I was recently talking to a friend (grown man in his 40s) who didn't know that you could read books for free at a library. The more people are informed about this matter, the better.

And of course, some libraries also provide other services such as movies, board games, internet, printers, 3D printers, cheap coffee, meeting rooms, courses, etc. Talking about this is also good, because many people can benefit from these services! Especially people who otherwise wouldn't be able to afford them.

But (and here comes the but), I feel like some people on this site are really insistent on claiming that all libraries offer all these services for free, always. And that no library has any flaws at all. And that anyone can access a library at any time. And if you don't, you're a traitor for not supporting your local library.

And like... there is so much wrong with that. First of all, not all libraries offer all these services. And if they do, they might not be available in minority languages. (Spanish in the USA, Turkish in Germany, etc.) And if they do, they're not always free. And this can vary greatly on region and country, too. Not the whole world is the USA. There's places where libraries are rare and spaced very far apart. There's places where libraries are "mobile", meaning they're a car filled with books. Or sometimes a donkey. I think it's great that mobile libraries exist! It's great that people in villages near me can get free books that way. But also, it's absurd to claim that they have the same type of access as someone from a big city. It's absurd to claim that they're class traitors and it's their own fault because they didn't "create demand" and "support their local library." They do not have a "local" library. Not everyone has a local library!

And even if there is a library near you, it's very possibly inaccessible! Most countries do not have laws regarding accessible design, and if they do, they're rarely enforced. Before you go on praising how all libraries are perfect and wonderful, ask yourself, how many are accessible to disabled people? Which disabled people? Wheelchair users? Blind and visually impaired people? Immunocompromised people? There's so many of us. Yet we are so often left out.

Some countries have libraries specifically for disabled people, but most often you need to qualify and prove your disability. I have a membership in such a library. A lot of them will only accept visual impairment and no other disability. I was lucky I was in occupational therapy at the time of my enrollment, because my therapist could approve my paperwork for me. Otherwise I might not have been able to join. It's online only and costs money. It's not free. A lot of books are region-locked since I'm not in the USA. And yet I am so grateful everyday for this opportunity, for this access to books. I know many disabled people aren't so lucky.

My point is not that libraries are bad, but that libraries are very diverse. Pretending like all libraries are not only perfectly alike, but also perfect, helps no one. Libraries can provide vital services, but they do not provide these services equally around the world, and they do not provide these services equally to all people.

If you truly love libraries so much, fight to make them better, fight to make them accessible. Don't silence those of us who are left out.

#library #actually disabled #accessibility #booklr #booktok #I'm the OP

[astraltrickster]

Since the wave of mass site migrations there is one REALLY worrisome trend I've been noticing: the number of radfem posts I've been seeing ending up on my dash, reblogged unknowingly by people who think they're just base-level feminist statements, has all but gone back to c.2014 levels. Everything seems good on a surface level, but I spot one dogwhistle, or something strikes me as being a little too absolutist, and I check into that...and sure enough, the road leads back to terf city.

So here's a quick PSA:

Please be careful with your Feminism 101 sources.

See, terfs and their close relatives KNOW we don't like them here, so they don't tend to lead with their well-known hatred of trans women. On top of that, there is a problem with a subset of radfems on this site who purport to be trans-inclusive - i.e., they openly support trans women...but DESPISE trans men (often more than they hate cis men, because of the whole "joining the enemy"/"gender traitor" myth pushed by terfs) or any nonbinary person who aligns partially with manhood or masculinity, especially if they're AMAB (they often think they can "save" - i.e., conversion-therapy - the AFAB ones).

Therefore, on a single-post level, it is very, VERY hard to tell the difference between a basic feminist statement that, yeah, patriarchy exists and that means there are lots of awful double-standards around gender where women broadly get the shorter end of the stick and these standards AFFECT every individual in a society and that's something we should work to change, and a statement that these things are absolute and inevitable, either because Biology or because those double-standards are too deeply ingrained to EVER overcome without giving up and starting over from scratch (whichever is convenient), and the only solution is hardline female wombyn-born-wombyn separatism or at LEAST excluding trans people from public life for, at best, making it too hard to tell who's ~safe~. In fact, sometimes on that single-post basis, they could potentially even be identical - though less frequently than many people thought in the heyday of "OP was a terf so I stole this post but anyway all men are walking rape threats and need to accept that any reasonable person will always hate and fear them on sight".

So what can you, random newbie, do to avoid unwittingly passing one of these messages on without turning into some kind of horrible "feminism is cancer" chud?

Well, one of the easiest ways is the Shinigami Eyes browser extension, but I personally don't like to rely on it because 1) you can't use it on every platform (sorry mobile app likers), 2) in my experience it's somewhat common for "trans-inclusive" radfems to be flagged as safe because someone saw their positivity for trans women but not their hatred for trans men, and 3) I just don't like to promote the use of browser extensions as a substitute for learning what radfem rhetoric is and why it is, in fact, anything but feminist; it is very beneficial to terfs if the ONLY thing you know of their rhetoric is "they hate trans women".

The hard but better way is to actually familiarize yourself with what to look out for. Here is an inexhaustive list:

Category 0: Tags to add to your blacklist

Your blacklist filters out posts with the blacklisted tags in the reblog you're seeing, OR in the root post. Therefore, if a radfem post that looks like it's just base-level feminism does breach containment somehow and end up on your dash through someone else, it will still get caught if it's tagged with any of these:

Terfsafe

Radblr

Radfem

Terfs/radfems do interact/do touch/please interact/please touch, etc

Category 1: Terf-ese and dogwhistles

Some of these, especially those near the top of the list, are immediate telltale signs. Others are less certain, but they should at least raise some eyebrows.

"Gender critical" - literally a synonym for terf just used to make the ideology sound more legitimate; they often claim that terf is a slur

"TIM/TIF" - "Trans-identified male/female", a way to delegitimize trans identities

"Febfem" - female-exclusive bisexual woman; a bisexual woman who rejects her attraction to men; essentially a modern term for "political lesbian" (a group which claimed that lesbianism is not a sexual orientation that some people just Have, but a political choice to reject men)

"Butch flight" - the claim that trans men are butch lesbians transitioning to escape lesbophobia and gain male privilege

"Adult human female" - this very simplified dictionary definition of "woman" is something of a rallying cry

"Let girls be tomboys/butch" - some people say this in response to old repressive gender roles in things like dress codes, or even people holding trans women to a higher standard of femininity than cis women, but if that is not explicitly the context it's very likely that this means "stop the evil plastic surgery racket from force-transing every little girl who even looks at a truck, which they're TOTALLY doing"

The inverse, while less common (terfs tend to be very open about not wanting men to be feminine in any way because of "deception" and "false security"), is also one to look out for - sometimes it's a statement against binarism and gender essentialism, sometimes it's basically an assertion of the Blanchard "feminine homosexual man vs. autogynephilic man" model of what a trans woman is

"Compulsory heterosexuality/comphet" - an aspect of heteronormativity whereby it's common, especially for younger people, to try to force themselves to experience heterosexual attraction when they don't. Useful as it may seem, the term was coined by radfems. Most people who are not terfs or other radfems who want to discuss it will discuss it under the umbrellas of heteronormativity and amatonormativity

Hogwarts houses - this is a sneaky one; far from everyone who read those books or even enjoyed them is a terf, but since JKR's full-tilt descent into fascism via the gateway of transphobia, terfs HAVE been using this as a way to seek out their own and mark themselves as safe; let this also serve as a reminder that if you are NOT a terf PLEASE REMOVE THIS FROM YOUR BIO; it WILL both draw them to you AND cause you to be immediately distrusted by anyone else, saying "I DO NOT CONDONE THE VIEWS OF JKR" will not help because terfs can and do lie about that too in communities where they have to stay crypto, at best you're granting them plausible deniability

Referring to men and women as "males" and "females"

Usernames referencing "female" reproductive anatomy - may be a good sign if they're attached to trans-positive modifiers like "boy" or "they", but a username like "divine-vagina" or "ovariesofpower" (note these are theoretical usernames, not ones I've encountered in the wild; if someone does have one of those usernames and isn't a radfem I'm deeply sorry) is probably a terf

Hatred of makeup and plastic surgery - look, no one likes the beauty industry, no one is going to dispute that beauty standards are a nightmare, but this is frequently a smokescreen for hating gender confirmation or anything that helps with the "deception" inherent to transness; be ESPECIALLY wary of anyone talking about "TikTok plastic surgeons trying to sell their services to impressionable teenage girls", this usually translates to "gender confirmation surgeons telling young transmascs that there are options for them", and remember that you either believe in bodily autonomy or you don't, there is no third option

Category 2: Ideological concepts to look out for

This is some of the beginnings of crossing the line from feminism to radfem bullshit - if the rest of the post seems cool but starts heading in these directions, don't assume it's hyperbole; get it as far away from you as possible.

Patriarchy, men-oppressing-women, is THE root system of injustice from which all others spawn. Some will acknowledge that other factors may intersect, but will still claim that they are lesser. Bringing up the long history of white women getting men of color, especially Black men, killed via weaponized fragility and false claims of sexual violence, is just a series of flukes and pointing it out to refute this notion that men vs. women outranks all other inequalities is just whataboutism.

Because patriarchy is so far-reaching, it affects every individual, and because it trumps all other axes of oppression, this means that in every interaction between any man and any woman, the man will be the one with more power.

Men, due to socialization, biology, or both, are categorically incapable of recognizing women as full people. This is not only a broad pattern, but an inevitable fact, true of every individual man, no matter how hard anyone tries to change it.

There is a singular Universal Female Experience. According to terfs, this is an external force; trans women don't have this socialization experience, therefore they can never truly know what it's like to be a woman. According to tirfs, it is internal; trans men process their experiences internally as men from birth to death and therefore have no claim to truly understand any experience of misogyny directed at them.

The experience of being a woman is, first and foremost, suffering. It is therefore to be expected that a certain subset of people would transition to try to escape it - but it's the wrong answer, and this practice of either self-destruction or betrayal must be stopped at all costs. Anyone who wants in on the miserable experience that is womanhood, on the other hand, is at best insensitively looking at a burning building and going "wow, that looks so warm!", blissfully but cruelly unaware of the misery of the situation, and at worst is lying to satisfy a fetish.

Women are categorically incapable of abusing men, because patriarchy outranks all, down to the individual level. Some may also say that this is true because of biological differences in physical strength. (Very feminist, isn't it, to say "the strongest woman is still weaker than the weakest man and nothing can ever change that"?)

There is, fundamentally, no difference between a person with some subconscious misogyny problems and an incel mass shooter; both will abuse women, and therefore both must be treated as threats.

Because the power differential between men and women is so great, a woman cannot TRULY meaningfully consent to sex with a man; all sex between a man and a woman is rape.

Because rape is such a common trauma among women, the very existence of men - or penises, for that matter, even fully clothed ones - in a space where a woman doesn't expect them is traumatic and itself tantamount to rape.

Lesbians don't just have their own unique flavor of oppression experience like any other queer subgroup; they are in fact THE most uniquely oppressed and vulnerable of all, because being a lesbian is first and foremost not about attraction to women, but rejection of men (recall the ties to political lesbianism). Some radfems will embrace contradictory labels or slightly varied personal definitions for other queer subgroups - but if you're anything but a Kinsey 6 who would never even consider making an exception, and 100% a binary woman, you CAN'T identify as a lesbian. You cannot identify as a lesbian if you wouldn't dump your partner or try to conversion-therapy "her" if "she" came out as transmasc. To a tirf, you cannot identify as a lesbian if you're on the butch-transmasc cusp, if they're willing to admit such a cusp exists in the first place. To terfs, you cannot identify as a lesbian if you would ever date a trans woman, let alone if you ever have.

Again, this is far from being an exhaustive list, but it covers most of the most common things that set off my own alarm bells. Additions are more than welcome.

Remember, the danger of letting radfem posts slide because they seem okay on the surface is twofold: one, you're directing more people to their blogs and exposing them to more people they may then target, and two, when those concepts that cross the line bleed out into your gender theory, the result is bad for you and everyone around you.

#internet culture #internet safety #serious tag #internet bullshittery warning #tumblr culture

[weird-bookworm]

𝗧𝗛𝗔𝗡𝗞 𝗬𝗢𝗨 𝗙𝗥𝗢𝗠 𝗔 𝗪𝗘𝗜𝗥𝗗 𝗕𝗢𝗢𝗞𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗠 ♥︎

this year has been crazy, to say the least. i'd write a long ass message, but actually, each and every single one of my moots deserves their own

so here goes

@silversailormoan- you were my first moot, and i still don't have a name for you. all i know is that i am eternally grateful you trust me enough to share part of your life with me, and that i'm very glad you went from my fav ao3 bts writer to someone who randomly messages me whenever. thank you

@yrhome- i was shocked when you followed me back actually, but after that you've just poofed off the site. i'm sorry we never got the chance to interact more, because you were one of y fav writers on here. i hope we can get closer this coming year!

@maeleelee- mae mae oh mae you are one of the most special people i know on this hellsite, and that is saying something because i know so many people i love here. you were my first friend on here, as unhinged as me, and with such a friendly and warm personality i almost cried (that is a lie. i have definitely cried because you're too cute. i am not joking). we've shared so many moments here, and you've trusted me so much, it made this year so much more special to me. promise you'll keep being your adorable self next year too, but most of all, promise you'll be happy next year <3

@imagine-a-life-like-this- talking to you for the first time felt like a fever dream, even though i had sent asks before and i was already friend with mae. you have always been a writer i respect and like a lot, specially with your smaus (chef's kiss fr). on top of that you are always so sweet??? hello, is this a dream?? i'm glad we got close enough for me to see your more unhinged persona (which i am in love with) and that i could see your bts debut lmao. let's have even more fun next year

@mxnsxngie- you're so mother istg it's the best thing ever lol. what i've said about you in my moots list is very true, you gives me fairy vibes. you're so pretty and lovable and asdfghjkl i just love you okay? i've loved every single conversation we've had and i lovee how you read my rants and then respond with a veryyy long message with a ton of typos because you're getting ready for work in the morning (thank you for still reading and replying though, you're so busy but you always take out time for me <3) keep being adorable!

@hannieheartuu- i love you. you are always so sweet and kind and sensitive and talented i just wanna cuddle you and keep you in my pocket and call it a day. i get too much cute aggression with you and i get too protective over you, but can you blame me? you've given me so much love and so much trust it warms my heart, so thank you ylli. thank you for being an adorable lil bunny and loving me and letting me love you, let's carry forward this energy <3

@fairyhaos- is it just me but i feel like you don't really need me to tell you how grateful i am and how much i love you, specially after what happened today lmao. but honestly, you were one of the first svt writers i came across, you have always been this really kind angel, and you ranting about shua makes my day in the best way possible. you're talented and adorable and so so reliable, and i'm really grateful for that. i'm glad i can call you my friend and i'm glad that you call me that too

@idubiluv- ah, yes, my virtual didi lmao (you said it, not me). you come here rarely because unlike most of us, you are slightly more responsible. and yet, you are so fucking loved and adored and i just love to see you getting so much affection, because you deserve eevry inch of it. we've had really fun conversations and your pfp always leads me to believe that you are absolutely gorgeous (i remember my sleep riddled brain once thinking that you would sparkle like edward when i'll first meet you...yeah i'm weird ahem anyway) and you have such a sparkly personality to match? heaven indeed

@the-therapist-needs-therapy- i remember us interacting continuously for a while, and then we just stopped, and i don't know why. let's become closer this next year, talking to you was fun.

@babyboyquokka- okay so we've talked a total of 4 times, but it was enough for me to decide that we really need to talk more (i am aware our timings don't really match but i have those rare days i pretend to be an owl and stay up very late so we'll see lmao)

@cadenonlinelive- how did we go from me being scared of you (...don't ask) to me actively teasing you (hello reply to me don't leave me on read) it might have something to do with the fact that the wifeys constantly call you adorable but ahem i do quite agree. i feel like my age plays a big factor why you might not feel the most comfortable with me, but i hope we can become good friends next year :))

@slytherinshua- eeeeeee you're my adorable lil (we are going to ignore the fact that you are taller than me) gremlin who makes me wanna kms but also bae are you okay. you have somehow made me question life within the short (yes i know surprising) period we've known each other, and also made me believe that with determination, anything is possible (like ranking 125 smth idols according to how much you love them). i'm really glad you made our server, because i don't think i would've stayed on this hellsite otherwise lol

@icyminghao- why is it that one of us will start a conversation in the other's askbox and then we just. stop interacting again ∏~∏ i love your work and i'd love to be closer :(( let's become good friends the coming year!

@ryuwonieebae- same as with haru, we talked and then stopped, and i wish we hadn't. i hope life is going well and you're happy :))

@rubywonu- niaaaa my love is it just me or did we barely interact but it still feels like we're already pretty good friends lol? i swear your work sends tingles down my spine it's that cute. you're also my favourite couprang, so i'm gonna take that as a free invite to rant to you about him whenever and wherever hehe (this is me telling you to expect ig reels in your dms i have way too many cheol reels saved)

@mesanthropi- weiwei!! bae you give me so many noni vibes + this-is-one-person-i-wanna-keep-around-for-a-long-time-if-they-will-have-me vibes it's crazy. i love our quirky conversations and i adore your art, but i specially like seeing you in others' inboxes— your asks are always just so cute. also, you are definitely someone i have cute aggression with so (...my pocket is large enough me thinks, you're always welcome)

@wheeboo- okay first and foremost, thank you for inviting me in the server in the first place, it has become a trusted source of entertainment and fun and just general clownery, and who doesn't love that? you and zanna really created a safe space for all of us and i'm so honoured that you even thought to add me there sob. BUT i also read your jun fic before anyone else i was squealing did i tell you? i was sooo excited afghjkl the end line is— thank you for trusting me and being my friend ilyyy

@hanniehaee- bro why did you randomly show up one day with a ridiculous amount of reblogs and disappear off of tumblr altogether WHERE ARE YOU I MISS YOU

@aaniag- hello fellow a little too crazy with the emoticons desi carat have i ever told you i love you? i have? well i don't care! i love you anyways lmao. a, i absolutely adore your random ass asks filled with 218 twins (spare me please), b, i love how you never stop yourself from going crazy with the emojis and emoticons, and c, i am very thankful that you love me so much, please don't stop doing that

@woozvc- noraaaa i feel like we've gotten so close lately, i specially love our little trio with cien hehe ^^ i love love love you and the way we blamed noni for never realising we weren't friends on discord for the longest time shall always make me smile. talking to your bf was adorable and i want you to keep reminding me that i have to write a fic for you, please and thank you!

@eternalgyu- to the awesomest most iconic goddess coded person ever, hello bae hru :D how tf r u so gorgeously stunning tell me the secret please i am so whipped but also, GREMLIN LINE!! you are as unhinged as zanna and that is truly appreciated. also, thank you for getting me into riize (i still need help) (also i will show up to tomorrow's quiz promise) i swear everything's so fun when you're around and i really hope we can get upto even more shenanigans next year mwah!

@welcometomyoasis- shu! adorable pretty shua coded shu! thank you for assigning me soonyoung in your end of the year post, and i meant everything i said in the tags okie? you're shua coded because you're soft and sweet and adorable and talented and i just really love you okie? never stop writing though, it gets me through on the bad days and i love it.

@springdayysworld- you get nothing, i'll see you in school (show up please no leaves allowed)

@mirxzii- look, all i know is that i love your voice, and that i really want you to show up in the server more so we can interact more, let's get closer next year!!

@blue-jisungs- axeeeee thank you thank you thank you for handling my silly little rants, specially yesterday's. your typos are adorable, your jokes are impeccable, your boomerness is lowkey rubbing off on me, and i really hope that i can write like you one day. i wish we can become better friends this coming year and continue being idiots. please don't stop being so axe :D ilysm <3

@haecien- cienciencien my smol tiny little bean i know you're older than me but ignore that please it's so fun to tease you and talk to you and simp with you. everything's just so much more fun with your unfiltered commentary and random rocket pictures (please don't stop). one day i would like to count all your husbands and complain to your bf (when is he asking you out please spare us) but until then, i love you.

@aakomii- i'm still surprised you followed me back tbh, you've always been a writer i've appreciated a lot and i'm glad i made an impression big enough lol, let's become good friends next year!

@etherealyoungk- give me your patience or your talent please, it takes me out every time. another thing i wonder is how are you so calm after stanning kwon soonyoung of all people (what is the secret tell me i need to know) but either way, i hope new year treats both of us well <3

@glosskirt- heheheheh fellow army ilysm we haven't interacted much but i hope we talk more because you're sooo fun <333

@candewlsy- mizu!! let's talk more because we really vibe and i look forward to every meme you send me (and the flirting. gotta love the flirting lmao)

@kkooongie- when you become moots on the last day on the year 😁🥰

#i love you guys sooo much <3

[halevren]

FHJY Spoilers || my live thoughts as I watch episode 9

i got a new job and I felt sick last night so. I'm watching this very late. it has been tough avoiding spoilers but I Have Done So

TTTAKING OVER TEENAGE REBELLION

hiiii one and all!!! hii intrepid heroes!!!!

i have been told stuff happens this episode. I'm so excited

"You're mad we're not doing drugs."

"I think this might be gorgug's worst day of his life."

so much happened last episode

totally healthy adult activity.

VULTURE

THE SPELL-LESS KRISTEN APPLEBEES 😭😭

THE VULTURE DIMENSION

I love the projections

DOMINATE MONSTER NO LONGER EFFECTING RIZ

THE VULTURE KING

I think Brennan is loving being the vulture king

NAT 20 FOR FABIAN

"IT'S THE VULTURE KING YOU HAVE TO KISS HIM!"

"One answer and it's Riz."

"I'm so glad I died on that battlefield."

A crisp 500 dollar bill

I love this so much

This is so silly

THEY'RE HOLDING HANDS

"Hey, I'll kill you, you fucker." "kiss him!"

VULTURES YAY OR NAY?

"Can you bring his parents up here—" "NO."

"Feels like five"

"You wanna be in our crew?"

Kristen is really trying to get her friends to romance the vultures.

"Are you a God of some kind?" "I don't mind man."

This season is just Brennan breaking the PCs

oh good god

MAGIC ITEMS!

"Summons 1d4 vultures, they are not under your command."

no bring us back to the vulture dimension im obsessed with it

fireball

18 damage 😭😭😭

"I'm going to think about that for days."

FIRST STRIKE HITS REAL ONE

"get out of my yard."

(Brennan rolling too many dice.)

the little fireball that could!

THE ROMAN CANDLE YOU SHOT AT THE BIG BAD

THE BALL GAVE FABIAN ADVANTAGE

Concentration lost 🔥🔥🔥

is Ruben only able to give bardic

BRENNAN NAT 20

what are we making dex saves for.

ZERO DEX SAVE. KRISTEN.

"I'm dead from shame."

ADAINE DOWN? NOOOO

29!!

So many dice for Fabian

"Don't worry I got the ones out guys" Emily 😭😭😭

"I'm actually a huge fan."

so now that grix is destroyed does that mean there's no principal?

Ruben's frantically calling for Wanda

"I'm real right?"

"What happened? I was taking a shit."

"Do you have a warrant? Do you have a fucking warrant?"

Adaine is still dead on the ground

THE IDENTIFY SPELL

grix is untampered with

I miss ayda

29 investigation 🔥

GLOWING STINGERS? GROWING RED? LIKE THE SYNOD?

24 points glowing red

Rage connection!!

"Can we get some hot sauce before we leave?"

HE ATE THE VULTURE FOR NOTHING

"Found another glass of water"

Fabian finally getting his kisses in.

Nat 20 history rat check

SEXY RAT

"You know thats triggering for me!"

Rat stores

"There's not a rat world under the school."

Rat World!!!

BabyBojörn

oh god fig gave Fabian a bardic

sexuality inclusivity for cassandra!

aww..... fabian took bardic from fig earlier...

"You are. Cursed."

RIZ NAT 20!!!!

NOOO YOLANDA

Force damage...

Three hours????

ah yes another use of the identity spell!

"You could multi class into wizard!" "Yeah, add it to the fuckin' pile."

AN UNHOLY LAST RITES

NOOO YOLANDA

There's something under the tree?? glyth???

LUCY FROSTBLADE DEAD BODY

I think Fig's bad luck is genuinely effecting Emily too with all these bad rolls 😭😭😭😭

Did.... Did the rat grinders kill Lucy???????

let adaine use the diamonds. finders keepers

divine intervention........

Kristen will have to work so hard to get cassandra back

spies tongue curse???

"Call an adult?"

"You were such a good teacher, I'm sorry I just got a C..." 😭😭

THIS IS SO HEARTBREAKING!!!

LUCY AND YOLANDA'S SOULS HELD HANDS BEFORE GOING TO HEAVEN. ACTUALLY CRYING

BUD CUBBY THE REALEST EVER

FIG NAT 20

level of exhaustion :(

elmville police departments always on fire

"David..."

AGENT CLARK?!?!?!?

did he just take the dirt like a line of drugs?

one becomes a 10 which becomes a 19

*head in hands* "is it okay if I ask you about your case, mom?"

"So I'm unbelievably wealthy. And me and my friends just discovered the site of a double homicide. So....."

Group IV time, or group shock therapy.

Gorgug putting barbarian first

HE'S DOING ARTIFICER SPELLS WHILE RAGING!!!

"We need a word."

Gorgug talking to Porter is so funny

ok. wait this is actually kinda sweet between Porter and Gorgug

"I feel lucky to have you in my class." 😭😭😭😭

MCAT SIGNED!!!

The Last Stand exam?

KRISTEN MIGHT PASS FAIL?

oh god. 4 stress tokens

I wonder if the intrepid heroes are aware of the 5 stress token

"I'm in a lot of school."

Gorgug looking into building a time machine real as hell

Oh my god gorgug is still on the owlbears

"Okay I think I have to lie down."

I'm going to fight the wizard teacher

"I love my life. Everything is perfect."

"... YOU'RE WORKING?"

AELWYN LONELY ARK

10 CATS??

aelwyn and adaine bonding 😭😭

AELWYN IS WORKING FOR KIPPERLILLY COPPERHEAD???

I'M SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT EPISODE

#fhjy spoilers #fantasy high junior year spoilers #spoilers #dimension 20 #d20 #fantasy high #d20 fantasy high #dimension 20 fantasy high #fantasy high junior year

[stranger-rants]

Thoughts on Billy doing water therapy post starcourt? 💗💗💗

For as long as he can remember, Billy has loved the water. His body has always felt in tune with it. He could smell the rain long before it arrived. He could ride the waves with ease. When he was stressed, nothing quite brought him back to equilibrium like floating in the pool or taking a shower. Billy loved the water, and it loved him too. It embraced him when his father wouldn’t. It soothed his aching muscles with its warmth when he was treated too roughly. It took Billy’s anger whenever he swam laps in school, and pushed him to be stronger. It gave him everything he needed to one day leave.

Physical therapy isn’t “working.”

He’s become way too familiar with the ground.

They make him use a walker to get himself up out of bed or out of his chair. His chest hurts. His stomach muscles spasm. His legs shake. If he pushes himself too hard, his heart can’t take it. It beats too fast. He feels dizzy. The room spins. He falls. He says he can’t do it. He’s had enough. No more! Just let me lay here. You should have let me die. Everything hurts. He’s exhausted… but more importantly, he wants to slip into the water again… to feel weightless. Let it carry him, instead of having to carry himself. But he can’t. His scars are still forming. There’s numerous incision sites still closing up. He’s had so many surgeries he’s lost count.

He would have to be wrapped tight in plastic to enter a pool, and a public pool is an absolute no in his weakened state.

Still, he longs for it.

Billy spends much of his early recovery severely depressed. He doesn’t talk much to anyone. They nag him, though. You have to get up. You have to do your exercises. You have to drink enough water. Ha! He doesn’t want to just drink it. He wants to be in it. Submerged. Even when he is able to bathe, it’s either with a towel and a bucket or a quick shower sitting in a plastic chair. The kind elderly people use so they don’t slip and fall and break their hip. That’s hardly anything at all. So, he’s snippy with the few people willing to help… Max, who in her own frustration yells fine and leaves him alone and Steve who knows a thing or two about being stubborn.

Steve offers to take care of Billy for the weekend. Everyone else is busy and Billy struggles a lot when he’s left alone, though he doesn’t admit it. They don’t talk much. They do their own things - just, when Billy needs it, Steve is nearby to help. It’s quiet for a while. Steve calls out into the living room. He can’t find him. He’s about to go into panic mode when he notices Billy sitting outside by the pool. He opens the sliding glass door, but Billy doesn’t move from his spot. As Steve moves closer, he can see Billy’s legs in the water.

“I’m not gonna drown myself if that’s what you’re thinking…”

“Didn’t think you would,” Steve says, but honestly he’s not sure what to think about Billy at any given moment.

“Feels good.”

Billy closes his eyes. His scars are healed enough. If he could just push his body into the water… but maybe then his muscles will cramp up and he’ll actually drown.

“You wanna go in?”

Billy looks at Steve like he’s crazy, but yeah. He wants to go in.

“Don’t think I can. M’not strong enough.”

“Nonsense,” Steve shakes his head, “I’m here, so if you feel weak or whatever, I’ll save you.”

Steve winks at him, earning an eye roll. He nudges Billy’s arm. “C’mon, champ. Let’s get you some swim trunks.”

That’s how it starts, with Steve guiding him back into the pool. It’s everything he thought it would be for his broken body. The stress leaves his muscles. He can breathe a bit easier. His heart beats at a steady rhythm, except for when Steve’s hands wrap around his scarred waist. The first time they only spend a few minutes in the pool before Billy clearly needs a nap, but there’s another time and another time and another time. Steve agrees to take care of Billy on weekends, and no one thinks about it much other than Steve being Steve - always trying to lessen everyone’s “burdens” but really this is good for him, too.

After a while, Billy’s physical therapist notes improvement. He falls less. His mobility is better. He can cope better with physical strain. She asks if he’s been doing his exercises and he says “more or less.”

Physical therapy is working.

#billy hargrove #accidental #harringrove #i guess??? #reminds me i need to take a shower lmao #disabled billy

[drdemonprince]

Hi Devon! I'm hoping you'll help me understand something better and/or link me to literature that'll help me better understand this thing that TERFs do:

I'm openly trans masc (nonwhite fwiw), and was friends with a middle aged white liberal lady (mom of a friend) for some years. Last year she fell hard down the TERF hole on Facebook, began spewing their rhetoric, and for a while was texting me links to articles clearly written by TERFs for TERFs as if she was hoping to also turn me against trans women and drag queens for wearing "woman face" and other bullshit (I wasted a lot of energy explaining to her why this was BS, but like I said, she is a liberal). Obviously I stopped talking to her/she's very much not a friend anymore, but she's acting confused as to why I won't sacrifice my principles and my trans gal friends to keep being her [token trans] friend. She has said multiple times that she still adores and respects me and doesn't hate me for being trans, and will always see me as a man, etc. etc. etc. noise

I'm aware of this behavior being common in TERFs from social media posts I've seen online, but I'm still not sure I grasp why TERFs will obsessively attack trans women but trans men don't fit their narrative? Maybe in this case it's because we weren't strangers and also started out on good terms with each other...? Idk..... I hope this question makes sense. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

TERFs believe AFAB people are morally superior and incapable of genuine danger or harm and that AMAB people are inherently dangerous. They wish to eradicate trans women or exclude them completely from public life... but they see trans mascs as potential allies to their cause, and confused, lost "women" they can lure into the movement and "save."

The TERF movement actively recruits trans mascs to attempt to detransition them using conversion therapy practices, and then promote them in the media as examples of why gender transition is horrific irreverssible damage.

Many former members of this movement have been outspoken about this -- including trans people who were pressured to detransition by them for a time. Visit the site for the org Health Liberation Now to learn more.

Steer very very clear from these freaks, and do not engage with them or attempt to debate and convert them. The more time you spend with them, the more likely it is that they will be able to recruit you or fill your head with doubtful, dysphoric thoughts and low-key TERF ideology.

I'm glad you're not giving this person your attention anymore. She was attempting to recruit you into being a TERF too. Sadly some trans mascs do take that bait.

[amhrosina]

The Great War (Frank Castle x Reader)

MASTERLIST // JOIN MY TAGLIST

A/N: I'm not gonna lie, writing the ending of this was a struggle. This takes place over the course of The Punisher S1 and is a friends to lovers sort of situation. I could definitely see myself writing a second part to this, but I'm not making any promises lmfao this last week before the end of the semester is KILLING ME (i educate middle schoolers pls send help)

Request: heyyy!! could you maybe do a fic with frank castle and the great war by taylor swift? i'm kinda getting a frank vibe with that one 🥹🥹 Request: okay but what about frank castle imagine inspired by the great war by taylor swift? i think that the song suits him so well 😭

Summary: You follow Frank as he deals with the repercussions of faking his death, losing his family, and possibly developing feelings for his oldest friend. (Over the course of The Punisher S1)

(Warnings: friends to lovers, heavy angst (what's new lmfao), Frank gets a lil aggressive when he realizes he's been betrayed, Frank Castle needs therapy, slow burn i guess?, blood, wounds (etc.), cursing, this made me sad and that's why it took me so long to write it lol)

My knuckles were bruised like violets

Sucker punching walls, cursed you as I sleep-talked

Spineless in my tomb of silence

Tore your banners down, took the battle underground

And maybe it was ego swinging

Maybe it was her

Flashes of the battle come back to me in a blur

Frank stood in your doorway, grim expression surely dawning his face. He didn’t remember the fight that had split his knuckles wide open, or the walk to your apartment afterwards, but the sudden appearance of your face in the doorway had brought his thoughts back down to Earth, to his bloody and bruised body. You looked him over, searching him for any external injuries. Frank never mentioned that the real ache was found deep in his chest, where his bleeding heart had been ripped in half the moment his family had been taken from him. You already knew, and you didn’t mention it either.

It was an unspoken agreement that had been in place since the incident. Frank had known you for what felt like his entire life, but really it was only as long as he had been in the military. You had nursed him, Billy, and plenty of other Marines back to health during your stint in the military. Technically, you were an ex-Marine too, but you wouldn’t mention it if you could help it. The military had stripped you of your heart and soul too, and Frank was all too familiar with the complicated transition from Marine to civilian. Therein lies your agreement: you don’t mention Frank’s family, and he doesn’t mention the horrors you experienced together in the military.

With a nod of your head, you turned and led him towards the bathroom, where a triage kit was already prepped and ready for use. You always did have a knack for knowing when Frank would need medical assistance. You began the all-too-familiar process of cleaning his wounds, beginning at the worst of the damage and working your way around. You were quick and efficient, which Frank liked, and you always cut to the chase with your questions, which Frank liked even more.

“You get ‘em?” You asked, dabbing at a particularly painful cut above Frank’s eyebrow.

The concentration on your face was something Frank had grown used to over the years. Being the type of guy that ran into danger headfirst had led him to your medical tent too many times to count. Now, though, there was a noticeable difference in your demeanor when you patched him up. Before, when you were fully immersed in the world of the Marines, you wouldn’t even blink at the site of Frank and Billy covered in cuts, blood, and gore. Now, a hint of concern always hid in your gaze, barely there, but noticeable by someone who knew you well. Frank didn’t think too hard about it.

“Frank? You with me?” You muttered, picking up the stitch needle.

The only response Frank could muster was a small grunt. The night still hadn’t caught up to him, and he had only just begun thinking again. It would be hours before the numbness in his body finally slipped away, making way for the weight of his grief.

“You get ‘em?” You repeated, pushing the needle through his skin and beginning the painful process of stitching the cut up.

“Mhmm.” Frank didn’t nod his head, though he had to actively focus on not moving. He’d done that exactly one time while you were stitching him up, and you’d reamed him out so thoroughly that he was almost afraid to do it again.

You bobbed your head in a quick nod, unwilling to take your eyes off the wound.

“Good.”

You had been unnaturally reasonable when you found out what Frank had been getting up to after dark. It wasn’t even a full conversation. He’d stumbled through your door one night, so woozy from the amount of blood he’d lost that he forgot to take the vest sporting the white skull off. You had noticed it at once, but didn’t mention it until the next morning, when Frank could finally stand on his own again.

“You’re the guy taking out the mobs around the city?” You had asked, sipping your coffee and reading through the literary section of the newspaper.

“Yeah.” He had responded, unable to think of an excuse. He had expected you to kick him out, demand he turn himself in, remind him of the oath he’d taken as a Marine, but you didn’t do any of those things. You simply turned the page of the newspaper and let out a simple, “Okay”.

You never asked him questions about his feats, other than the one you just asked while stitching up his cut. There was always an immense satisfaction that came from being able to tell you that he did, in fact, get them. Frank didn’t trust many people, but you were on his side, and that was enough for him. Even the lonely nights spent in his prison cell were slightly less miserable knowing that he had you on the outside, tirelessly working with his lawyers to exonerate him. When he’d faked his death, you had handled the burial without question, and still visited it once a week to keep up appearances.

You finished the stitches, tying them off and shifting your attention to his bruised and violently swollen knuckles. You softly lifted his right hand into the light, eyeing the nasty cuts that littered his skin.

“Not broken,” you noted, “but you keep fucking ‘em up like this and they will be.”

You lightly cleaned the area with an alcohol-dipped cotton swab, sending a sharp pain skittering up Frank’s arm. A sudden memory from earlier in the night of knocking a guy’s teeth out flashed in Frank’s head, and he winced. He could’ve just shot the guy and avoided any physical injuries on himself, but he liked the adrenaline rush he got when he fought with his fists. The pain grounded him, reminded him of the reason he started this war in the first place.

You softly set Frank’s hand down, picking the other one up and starting the process over again. He watched as you delicately cleaned the wounds, wholly focused on repairing his broken parts. The palm of his hand rested firmly against yours, and he tried to ignore the warmth blooming from where your skin touched his.

Tonight would end like every other night you shared with him. You would ask him if he wanted to stay on the couch and he would shrug your offer off, claiming that he would be fine. You’d tell him to text you when he made it home and he would forget by the time he made it home. You’d call him in the morning, making sure he didn’t slip into a coma overnight due to an unknown concussion, and everything would remain exactly the way it had since he’d known you. Frank was unwilling to give up the repetition of this routine, and you were too afraid to ask him to change.

You drew up some good faith treaties

I drew curtains closed, drank my poison all alone

You said I have to trust more freely

But diesel is desire, you were playin’ with fire

And maybe it’s the past that’s talkin’

Screamin’ from the crypt

Tellin’ me to punish you for things you never did

So I justified it

All that bloodshed, crimson clover

Uh-huh, the bombs were close and

My hand was the one you reached for

All throughout the Great War

Always remember

Uh-huh, the burning embers

I vowed not the fight anymore

If we survived the Great War

You stood in Frank’s doorway, regretting coming all this way in the first place. He very clearly wanted to be left alone, but you knew he’d been busy since you’d seen him last, and you weren’t entirely convinced he was patching himself up correctly. The door was partially cracked, and you couldn’t get a good enough view of his body to tell whether or not he was bleeding all over the place.

“Need something?” He grunted, almost like you were annoying him with your presence.

“Just wanted to check that you were alive.” You tried to play it off like this was a normal aspect of your relationship, even though you both knew it wasn’t. You could count on your hand the number of times you’d been at Frank’s apartment, and you certainly hadn’t ever shown up unannounced before.

 “’m alive.” He tried to close the door, but the startled yelp of his name made him pause. He murmured your name, sighing and shaking his head. “What do you want?”

You balked at his tone, confusion quickly morphing into anger.

“What’s your problem, Castle?” You furrowed your brow, suddenly getting the urge to punch him in his nose. You were used to the quiet rage brewing inside him, but he’d never snapped at you because of it.

The sudden commotion of Frank’s neighbors exiting their apartment startled you out of your rage. You were upset, but you’d never be angry enough to draw unwanted attention to Frank. Most of the reason he was able to carry out so many hits was because of his alias, and you weren’t going to be the one to fuck that up.

Frank knew this, but he still gripped your arm and gently pulled you through the door. The soft click of the door shutting behind you was the only sound in the apartment, and it echoed in your ears until Frank finally said something.

“You can’t just show up here.” He had folded his arms across his chest, a signal that he had made up his mind about something.

You eyed his stance and rolled your eyes. “I just wanted to help.”

“If I need your help, I’ll call you.”

You huffed at his arrogant tone, still confused about the source of his anger.

“I know that. I just hadn’t heard from you, and I wanted to make sure you weren’t bleeding out.”

“Like I said. I’ll call you.”

Your patience with him was wearing thin. This was an act that you had seen from him a million times, but you were always a bystander during those interactions. He’d never turned it on you before, and the steady ache in your chest had you suddenly understanding how incredibly demeaning it felt to be on this side of his anger.

“I get it, Frank.” You rolled your eyes again, reaching for the doorknob. “Sorry for caring, asshole.”

“Why’d you really come?” He asked, voice noticeably softer. You paused, hand still wrapped around the doorknob.

“I came because I was worried about you. That’s what friends do, Castle.”

“We’re friends?”

The casualness in his tone wore down on your already thin-as-ice patience. You saw red, turning to fully face him.

“You’re saying we’re not friends? After all this shit you’ve put me through, Castle? What am I to you? A fucking acquaintance? Your fucking personal nurse? Get a fucking grip, Frank.”

Your arms swung around wildly in the air as you spoke, and every breath you took increased the rage boiling in your blood. By the time you finished, you were out of breath and so angry you could barely look at him. His expression was a carefully crafted façade, one that you probably would’ve seen right through had you not been so angry with him.

He didn’t speak, barely even glanced in your direction, and you huffed in annoyance. Why couldn’t he see that you cared about him? That you showed up for him because he was your oldest friend, and that’s what friends do? He was so far up his own ass that he couldn’t see how he was pushing away the only good thing he had in his life right now.

Oh. So that’s what this is about.

The understanding dawned on you, and your rage fizzled out as quickly as it had come. You’d taken his cold demeanor personally when you should’ve realized his true motives from the start. Frank was nothing if not protective and seeing as you were one of the last people in his life that he truly cared about, it made sense that he’d want to push you away to protect you.

“Frank.” You stated, shaking your head. “I won’t let you push me away.”

He tightened his jaw, watching as you slowly moved closer to him. You approached him like you would a wounded animal, carefully as to not spook him. You lifted your hand, hesitating slightly before placing it on the curve of his cheekbone. You didn’t miss the slight tilt of his head into your palm.

“I’ll be fine. I promise.” You murmured, softly stroking his cheek with your thumb.

“You can’t know that.”

The first words he’d spoken in minutes, and it sounded more like an exhausted sigh than a sentence.

“Frank, I’ll be fine.” You tried again, to soothe the ache in his soul. He shook his head, shifting his weight.

“I can’t go after these guys and keep you safe at the same time. I can’t ris-”

“You don’t have to keep me safe.” You tried to cut him off, but your interruption did little to deter him.

“What do you mean I don’t have to keep you safe? My family’s gone.” Frank was practically yelling, and you couldn’t blame him for it. “They’re gone because of what I know. I can’t let that happen to you. I can’t.”

“And what happens after, Frank? After you get the guys, if you push everyone away, what will you come home to? Nothing. No one. You will be eaten alive by loneliness, and it will be your own fault.”

The silence that hung in the air after your outburst was tense, and you immediately regretted saying it. You knew you’d never leave Frank high and dry, not completely, and Frank knew it too.

“If you get hurt because of this, because of me, I’ll be coming home to nothing too.”

You could understand that at his very core, Frank was afraid of losing you, but you had never been a damsel in distress, and you weren’t planning on becoming one anytime soon.

“You have to trust that I can handle myself. I have just as much training as you do. I’ll be okay.”

He closed his eyes as you spoke. You could only imagine the war raging in his head at the moment. He knew you were right, but he also couldn’t tame the side of him screaming to protect you. Finally, he sighed, fully leaning into your palm. He slightly nodded, squeezing his eyes closed at the compromise. If you ended up hurt or dead, he’d probably blame himself for the rest of his life.

“Be careful.” He pleaded with you, voice breaking. “Please.”

He leaned forward, briefly hesitating in his movement before pressing a soft kiss on your cheek. You sucked in a breath, stiffening as a fuzzy warmth bloomed where he had kissed you. You’d never known Frank to be an affectionate guy, other than with his wife, so the turn this evening had taken was completely new territory for you.

You eyed him carefully, not wanting to scare him away before you could figure out how you felt about his show of affection. Tension weighed heavily in the air as you studied his face, which sat mere inches away from yours. Something unspoken, but palpable, passed between the two of you. It seemed like Frank was trying so hard to explain how much you meant to him without actually spelling it out for you. That was a line that he clearly wasn’t ready to cross, and you decided, with a small shrug, that you were fine with that. So instead of making a big deal out of it, you did what you knew how to do best. You shrugged it off and lightened the mood with a carefully crafted joke.

“I’m always careful, Castle. You be careful. A girl can only afford so much gauze.”

It turned into something bigger

Somewhere in the haze, got a sense I’d been betrayed

Your finger on my hair pin triggers

Soldier down on that icy ground

Looked up at me with honor and truth

Broken and blue, so I called off the troops

That was the night I nearly lost you

I really thought I lost you

Life, after what went down with Frank that night, returned to normal for you. You went to work, volunteered on the weekends at VA hospitals, visited Frank’s grave, and saw Frank on an irregular schedule, typically when it was late at night, and he was covered in blood.

Your concern for Frank’s well-being didn’t fade. In fact, it grew tenfold every time you turned the TV on and saw stories on the news that couldn’t have been anything but Frank’s doing. Bad people were dying, and the police hadn’t been able to piece together who was responsible yet, though you guessed that they were probably beginning to wonder if Frank was truly dead.

You remained vigilant when you visited his grave, replacing the flowers that you had brought the last time you visited and clearing any leaves off the gravestone. There was an overwhelming nagging in your gut that indicated to you that you were being watched, but you didn’t want to set off any alarm bells before you could talk to Frank about it, so you kept up appearances.

All of this came to a head one afternoon when you clicked on your television and came face to face with a dashcam video of Frank sliding across the hood of a police car. The mug of tea that you’d prepared earlier fell from your hands, shattering when it hit the hardwood floor. This was bad. This was so bad.

You bolted out the door of your apartment, not fully understanding where you were going, just that you had to find Frank as fast as you could. You searched, to no avail, for hours. Back alleys, rooftops, and any of Frank’s old haunts were searched up and down, and every time you had to move on to the next place without Frank, the disappointment weighed on you heavily.

When the sun disappeared below the horizon, and the city grew cold and grey, you finally made your way back to your apartment, empty handed and frustrated. As you removed your scarf, gloves, and jacket, you eyed a piece of the broken mug sitting on your coffee table. When you’d left earlier, you were in such a hurry that you hadn’t cleaned up the pieces of the mug that had cascaded across the living room floor. There was broken glass all over the place, but you were almost certain there hadn’t been any pieces on the coffee table.

The hair on the back of your neck stood, and you reached for your gun, which normally rested in the inner pocket of your jacket. Your hand grabbed at the air, and you suddenly remembered that you hadn’t grabbed it before leaving earlier. It was likely sitting on your nightstand, where you placed it every time you returned home to your apartment.

“Shit.” You muttered, cursing yourself for blindly leaving the house without any form of protection.

You took a hesitant step forward, searching the living room for any indicators that someone was still in your house. You only got two steps before a sudden movement in the kitchen had you jumping backwards. Frank’s broad figure stood in the archway, and you sighed, immediately relieved.

“Jesus, Castle. You scared the shit out of me.” You placed your hand over your pounding heart, trying to calm it down.

Frank didn’t say anything. He barely moved, and you glanced over at him in confusion, only to be met by his furious gaze. Your confusion grew as you looked over his appearance. He was breathing heavy, sticky with sweat, and covered in some kind of debris. He was also bleeding out of multiple superficial wounds, but that wasn’t the cause of your concern either. His expression, the one that only the Punisher wore, was wholly focused on you.

“Frank?” You murmured, uneasy feeling building in your stomach. You’d never been afraid of Frank before, but you’d also never come face to face with him when he was dawning the Punisher mask.

“Did you know?” He croaked, barely audible. “About my family. Did you know?”

Your confusion grew, and you couldn’t help but stare at his clenched fists. Would he turn them on you?

“What are you talking about?”

Suddenly, Frank was in front of you, pushing your back into the wall. The aggression was surprising, and a spark of fear shot through you like a spring.

“Don’t be fucking dumb. Were you in on it, too? Did you know they were going to hurt my family?” He asked through gritted teeth, pushing your body harder into the wall.

In any other situation, you would’ve pushed back, fought, did something other than stand there and let someone push you around, but this was Frank, and your shock had pinned you to the spot.

“Why would I know they were going to hurt your family, Frank? You think I have mob ties or something?” You couldn’t help the bite in your tone.

“Don’t fucking lie to me.” He grunted, inching his teeth closer to your face. You cowered back.

“I’m not fucking lying, Frank! You’re scaring me! Stop!” Instantly, the weight of his hands on you lifted, and you cowered even further into the wall, unsure of his next move.

You looked up, expecting to meet the barrel of a gun, only Frank was halfway across the room, and he didn’t have any weapons on him that you could see. You stood to your full height, leaning heavily against the wall behind you.

“What the fuck is your problem, Castle?” You barked, watching as he paced back and forth across the broken glass on the floor.

“Billy knew.” He muttered, finally bending down to sit on the coffee table. He hung his head low in shame as you were stunned into silence.

“Billy…knew? Knew what?” You finally asked.

Frank’s voice was a horse croak as he spoke. “It was a hit, staged to look like an accident. They went there to kill my family, and Billy knew about it.”

You didn’t move, didn’t breathe, didn’t blink for what felt like hours. Billy and Frank were best friends, brothers even, and you couldn’t believe the words coming out of Frank’s mouth.

“You think I had something to do with that?” You asked in a whisper, horror creeping through your tone.

Frank rested his head in his hands, groaning in agony.

“No.”

You leaned your head against the wall, looking towards the ceiling as you tried to blink away tears. You knew Frank’s judgement had been clouded by his rage. It seemed like Frank was being dealt blow after blow, and finally, after months of easily compartmentalizing it, he’d finally snapped.

Frank slowly made his way across the room, stopping an arm’s length away from you. He murmured your name as he took both of your hands in his.

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” he shook his head, staring at your intertwined hands, “Did I hurt you?”

You stared at his mouth as he spoke. You’d never heard Frank apologize to anyone before, and you couldn’t help the immense shock that overtook your body for a moment. He murmured your name again, this time more like a plea.

“No, you didn’t hurt me.”

He breathed a sigh of relief, and you squeezed his hands, unsure of the kind of affection he was searching for. You wanted to help him, wanted to scrape the anger and agony out of him, wanted to help him find his old self again, but you had no idea how to do that. Frank wasn’t the type of guy you could fix, and you weren’t sure it was even possible for him to back to the old Frank after everything he’d been through, everything he’d done to get to this point.

“What will you do about Billy?” You asked wearily, unsure if saying his name would send Frank into another fit of rage. Frank was quiet for a few minutes, and you studied his face as he mulled over his options. Even after what was probably a very long day, he still looked handsome. If the situation wasn’t so tense, you might’ve made a joke about it to lighten his mood.

“I gotta get ‘em.” He responded, squeezing your hands for emphasis. “Him and Orange are the only two left. I gotta finish this.”

You nodded in agreement, but his words activated the part of your brain that worried about him. He wanted to finish it, but at what cost?

“And after?” You prompted, searching his eyes for any sign of pending doom. Would he sacrifice himself for this war? Would he choose death if it came down to it? You didn’t know, and you didn’t think you wanted to know.

“After,” he started, gaze flicking back to your intertwined hands, “after, I go home.”

You didn’t know anymore what home meant to Frank, and you were terrified to find out.

And we will never go back

To that bloodshed, crimson clover

Uh-huh, the worst was over

My hand was the one you reached for

All throughout the Great War

Always remember

Uh-huh, we’re burned for better

I vowed I would always be yours

‘Cause we survived the Great War

Home, as it turned out, and for the time being, was your apartment. You’d only seen Frank once since the day he’d been betrayed by Billy, and you were genuinely afraid it was the last time you’d ever see him alive. He had slipped in through the fire escape window as you slept, softly stroking your cheek until you woke.

“I’m finishing it, okay?” He had whispered, pressing his forehead against yours.

In your sleepy haze, you’d surged forward, planting a kiss on his cheek.

“For luck.” You responded, cradling his head in your hands. “Come back to me in one piece.”

He had slipped back out the window before you were fully awake, and it was only then that you realized what you’d said. You’d told him to come back to you, as if that was a totally normal thing to say to one of your oldest friends who was about to carry out a murder in his dead family’s honor.

The waiting was torture. It was hours before you heard anything, and you’d spent most of that time pacing around your living room and flicking through news channels. Finally, you’d gotten a call from Agent Madani, who urged you to prep your apartment for a bloodbath. Frank was alive, but he was severely injured, and you going to have to fix him, which is how you ended up elbow deep in Frank’s blood in your living room.

After hours of dressing, undressing, and redressing wounds, Frank was finally stable enough to let him sleep the pain off. You had found the closest armchair to your bed, pulled it up beside Frank’s resting body, and sat in it to monitor Frank’s condition.

You must’ve dozed off at some point because the grunt that came from Frank’s direction startled you awake. You didn’t know how much time had passed, but the sun had risen, and the sound of New York waking up filtered through the glass of the window.

 You surged forward, lightly pushing Frank against the bed before he could lift himself any further.

“Don’t try to get up. You’ll pop a stitch and I think I’ve seen enough of your blood in the last 12 hours to last me a year.”

He looked around, taking in his surroundings. His face was more bruise than skin and you winced at the thought of him getting as hurt as he did. You shuttered thinking about what he had done to his enemies if they looked even half as bad as he did.

“I came back to you.” He murmured.

“Yeah.” You nodded, “But not in one piece.”

The beginning of a small smile formed on Frank’s face but was quickly replaced by a grimace. Everything was going to hurt for a while. You leaned forward, cupping his hand between yours. He watched as you fiddled with his hand, finally bringing his bruised knuckles to your lips.

“I finished it.”

He said it so quietly that you almost missed it, muffled by the pounding of your heart in your ears.

“It’s done?” You asked, meeting his gaze. Your curiosity was begging you to ask more questions, learn the details that he was clearly leaving out of his explanation, but he hadn’t offered them, and you knew it was for a good reason. Frank always had a good reason.

He nodded, running his fingers over your palm.

“I came home.” He mumbled, pressing the palm of his hand against yours.

“You came home.” You mimicked, unable to stop your eyes from watering.

He slowly brought your knuckles to his lips, returning the kiss you’d given him moments before.

“Do you want to stay?” You asked, mostly out of habit, but also because you were really hoping he’d say yes when you asked this time.

“I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart.” The corners of his mouth lifted into a grin, and for the first time in over a year, Frank Castle was able to rest.

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[darker-than-darkness]

Little rant about getting an autism/adhd diagnosis as a person under the trans* umbrella.

Right of the bat: I am (as of now) only self-diagnosed, with strong suspicions of autism or possibly audhd. My psychiatrist agrees, but can not give me that diagnosis without consulting a therapist. Nonetheless, I will refer to people of the above mentioned minority (unfortunately) as a collective “we” for easier accessibility.

I also identify as nonbinary and transmasculine, using they/he pronouns and I have had my coming out as trans* in 2015, albeit mistaking my identity as genderfluid in the beginning. Since 2020 I have been labeling myself correctly, had my social and public coming out and was even able to get my name recognized by my university.

I am certain of my identity, hence why I feel like I can speak for the trans* community. As mentioned above, I’ve completed my social transition, whereas I am still awaiting a proper referral for surgeries and a legal change.

I also want to apologize in advance for my language potentially being a bit too scholarly for a site such as tumblr. I am a university student of English and American studies and this comes naturally with the occupation. I also feel it helps me get point across more distinctively and precisely. I will however try to give examples to illustrate my thoughts.

That being said, here’s my main thesis:

I feel like we do not get enough recognition and struggle more to get diagnosed in the first place. Let me elaborate.

A lack of therapists worldwide makes it nearly impossible to get diagnosed with anything these days, but self-diagnosis after extensive research gets devaluated and ridiculed.

Whilst autism in cis women has started finally getting the recognition it deserved (don’t get me wrong, this is amazing) and cis men have been able to get a diagnosis often at an early age, we are a blind spot in the field of psychology.

It is impossible to get a therapist specializing in both gender and neurodiversity, even though they are closely linked. You have to weigh out which of the topics you want to tackle first, whilst both need to be regarded together, not separately. Therapy for both has the purpose of saving a life, but is impossible to achieve.

For the past three years I have been trying to get a therapist. I live in a big city in Germany, and whilst therapy is covered by public health insurance, many are unable to find any therapist, let alone a suited one. The one or two (out of the hundreds that exists) have long waitlists of a year and above and whilst you can pay for therapy sessions, many students like myself, who live on the bare minimum, can not afford paying 300+ Euros a month that weekly sessions would cost.

I also feel like many of us get disregarded for our special interests, hyperfixations and other symptoms. They can vary so much from those of cis women and/or cis men. We many times show symptoms of both cis men and cis women, many times show neither or ones exclusive to trans* individuals.

Of course these symptoms always vary greatly from individual to individual, yet especially in those who are afab or amab they get overshadowed or falsely attributed by/to the many mental illnesses/symptoms we have because of not identifying with the gender we were wrongly assigned at birth. I will come back to those mental issues in a bit.

I, for example, share a special interest for makeup and fashion, stereotypically seen as more feminine interests, and a special interest for motorcycles, cars, wrestling and many other stereotypically male interests. These are obsessive and hinder me in everyday life.

Not only are stereotypes harmful wherever they may apply, them being seen as such, they get disregarded as special interests/hyperfixations that come with neurodivergence. The symptoms are ignored and wrongly attributed (those aligning with the gender you were assigned at birth) or not attributed at all (those that not aligning with the gender you were assigned at birth) to a potential autism/adhd diagnosis.

However, some special interests/hyperfixations I’ve observed in many trans* people are those relating to the struggle unique to trans* individuals. They can include trans* or lgbtq+ rights, politics in general, the science behind being trans*, activism, hate crimes, police violence, gender reassigning surgeries and many others.

I suppose we, as those these issues relate to in many ways, naturally have a closer connection/desire to indulge in these topics in detail. However, this, once again, gets disregarded and not attributed to the neurodiversity but rather the issues with gender.

Coming back to a point briefly mentioned above, many of us have been wrongly diagnosed many times within our lives. Many of the symptoms naturally coming with everyday life as a trans* person have been signed off as standalone diagnoses. These include depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, anger issues, escapism, low self-esteem and self-worth and even suicidal/homicidal thoughts.

The collection of wrong diagnoses throughout ones life, if one is lucky enough to have a therapist in the first place, comes naturally with both being trans* and having autism/adhd. This not only stems from the lack of knowledge in the healthcare system, but also the struggles we experience.

I, for example, have had both a diagnosis for social anxiety and depression through my teen years. Looking back, unsurprisingly so. I was bullied to oblivion for being outed (as both trans* and bisexual) whilst growing up in a small, Christian town. I say being outed, for both times I have been outed by those I wrongly assumed to be my friends/allies.

Transphobia and homophobia were part of my everyday life. Most human interactions I had were horrible, causing me to struggle with low self-esteem. Being ridiculed daily plus getting my trust broken so often, together with an immense burden of being overwhelmed by the noises of a school classroom caused me to go mute for most of 8th and 9th grade. I’m assuming I do not have to explain the concept of selective mutism to those reading, but this is what eventually caused my social anxiety diagnosis.

Of course, someone being bullied constantly plus struggling with severe personal trauma (I do not want to elaborate this, for it is beyond the point) will feel sad, have meltdowns (I would throw things around my room, clear my desk with my arm, punch walls and have yelling fits) and cry constantly. I was ostracized for being “the weird kid” with “weird hobbies and interests” and the loneliness made me extremely sad. Naturally, a depression diagnosis came my way.

Now, I am not saying people can not have multiple diagnoses. I, myself, do and many others do as well. Not only do many people have both autism and adhd, many people also have further mental illnesses that make their life hard.

I, for example, have been diagnosed with bipolar in my early adult years (around age 18/19). It is genetic in my case, but ever since taking medication for it, I have been doing much better. That, however, has not calmed the symptoms I personally attribute (potentially) to “my” autism/adhd. They are also not side effects of my medication, that has been ruled out.

Talking about the health system brings me to another huge flaw both people with neurodiversity and trans* individuals struggle with. Organizations and officials meant to help letting us down, failing us and making us the problem.

It starts with the health system. Simple things like autism in adults (no matter their gender identity, but especially for cis women and trans* people) not being diagnosed properly, being trans* still being (mainly legally) considered a mental disorder in many countries and vital health treatments being denied are quite literally killing us.

The suicide rates in trans* and neurodiverse people are at an all time high, the US is infuriatingly going back in history with their law-making and removing safe spaces whilst simultaneously endangering trans* individuals. That possibility of being hatecrimed both for not being cis as well as being neurodivergent has risen drastically. It shocks, angers and saddens me.

As an individual living in Germany, we might have public health insurance but not enough therapists, as previously elaborated. This and trans* people still having to go through multiple discriminatory processes to even get their gender recognized are just a few examples.

Of course we are often also failed by politicians, law makers, courts, police and any other institution that is there to defend and uphold democracy. If we even are lucky enough to live in a democratic state and not a monarchy with a power hungry heir or a state claiming to be democratic whilst their leader is clearly a dictator. (Looking especially at Russia, here.)

In Germany, for example, the government had promised to simplify the process of legally changing your name and gender by April of 2024. So far it has not made any progress whatsoever and with openly right-wing parties on the rise in most states the chances of it actually happening are minimal.

There is also a huge issue with police and not understanding who they’re protecting versus pursuing. Autistic people are often seen as aggressive in their meltdowns, causing them to be detained even when not the culprit whatsoever. Trans* people often have to let people from their opposite gender perform invasive and humiliating searches on them, something a cis person legally can contest. But we are not as lucky.

Some of the worst institutions when it comes to accommodation are schools. Trans* and neurodivergent students often get picked on by their teachers (for example through misgendering or being called upon even in their mute/overwhelmed stages). Trans* and/or neurodivergent students often get reprimanded for causing trouble, even when not the perpetrators. Neither the teachers nor headmasters seem to really care.

I have a more distinct anecdote for this one. I distinctly remember getting suspended from school for two days and having to come to the headmasters office with both of my parents in 9th grade. When I was in my teen years I had an admittedly unhealthy hyperfixation (I call it this for it was obsessive and involuntary, beyond my control and took my focus of school and any other responsibilities.) on school shooters, particularly Columbine. This was in 2015, so before liking True Crime became normalized.

Of course, as any teen I scribbled on my desk in school. Unfortunately scribbling the nicknames of the Columbine shooters was not the smartest idea. I didn’t understand that at the time, however. My sociology teacher saw after some students had told on me. I was sick that day and had no way of defending myself immediately. So instead my parents were called. I was in big trouble.

Not speaking with my classmates (due to my selective mutism) didn’t help. Neither did the fact that, due to my gender disphoria, most of my clothes were black oversized shirts, combat boots and cargo pants. I had short hair (that I had dyed black at the time.) and wore stark emo makeup. I not only fit the weird quiet kid in the back of the class stereotype perfectly but also dressed like the shooters I had been focusing on.

It was the second headmaster that called my mother. I have to give him a bit of a compliment here. His first question was not what I had done or what I was thinking. It was wether or not I was okay. (Which obviously, I wasn’t.) Unfortunately, reality looked very different when in the headmasters office.

The headmistress had returned from her vacation and absolutely tore me to pieces. She was convinced I was planning a school shooting myself. From telling me she should have just called the police, to telling me my behavior was unacceptable and inappropriate, telling me I vandalized school property (it was in pencil, I didn’t), to telling me everyone was afraid of me and all the school knew, she threw every accusation my way. It was not only intimidating, but I’ll always remember how much I had to mask in that moment.

Unfortunately the second headmaster didn’t help, telling me I should maybe look for happier interests, like flowers and bees. (Literally his words.) They didn’t understand, neither of them, that it was involuntary. I had no control over it. But neither did I. Back then, I didn’t know hyperfixations existed. I remember how guilty yet confused I felt, not understanding why everyone was so worked up about a simple scribble.

In retrospect I know the reason for the outrage. But never will I understand why on earth one would react so cruelly. The rest of my time there was hell. Half the school knew me as the person who planned a school shooting, stupidly believing I actually would. They didn’t know me, of course. Jumped to conclusions because I was different and didn’t fit in.

This school failed me hard time, just like the school before had. I’m still surprised I managed to finish tenth grade, with a friend in my class even. (We had bonded after I explained the situation to her.) I was lucky enough to go to a different school after a year of a mental health break, together with said friend who also had many issues with the school we went though, even though she was a neurotypical cis woman.

Moral of the story is: I am appalled how many times we get failed and disregarded.

But of course we do. For we, as trans* and neurodivergent people, have mastered masking. We had to pretend/were raised as a completely different person from who we actually are. Had to pretend to be and conform with a gender we were assigned at birth, even though we knew we never identified with. Had to pretend to be one of the neurotypical ones because we didn’t want to be even more different. We already didn’t fit in, neurodiversity was not something we needed.

Unfortunately, without a proper diagnosis, we never knew differently. Didn’t know why we always felt out of place, or why we suffered from constant imposter syndrome. How could we, when people constantly told us we were “normal” or “just a little sad” or “a bit of an outsider.” They didn’t see we needed help, even when the cries for help were as big as having morbid hyperfixations, injuring ourselves to fit the gender identity we wanted to fit (self-mutilation as well as wrong methods of for example binding).

No one helped us then.

And still, no one helps us.

Self-diagnosis is a last resort for many of us and many of us are not lucky enough to ever recognize who they truly are.

And that they’re okay the way they are.

I guess I’m writing this for the “weird kids.” The kids that were ridiculed for being different, the kids that never knew why they couldn’t seem to fit in. I see you. I used to be you. And only if we rise up, we cause an uproar, can anything ever change.

If you read this far I thank you. Feel free to leave comments, like, ask questions. My inbox is always open, also for anonymous questions.

#autism #adhd #audhd #self diagnosis #transgender #nonbinary #gender #personal rant #flawed system #neurodiversity #neurodivergent #therapy #lgbtq community #my thoughts #diagnosis #psychology #school #experience #self reflection

[novi-val]

random stuff i wrote down from luke's discord server q&a call (jun. 4, 2023):

"this is my therapy, sorry you all have to hear me"

he was drinking rosé throughout all of this

he likes roses but likes the stems + thorns more than the flowers, so his friends used to buy him bouquets of just rose stems and he thought it was great

one of his favourite books is the picture of dorian gray (this explains everything. why does this explain everything)

favourite eurovision acts were brunette and blanca paloma ("you thought i was gonna say blanka huh :///")

mimicat and teya were the friends who helped him out with stuff when he needed it, teya was the extrovert friend who adopted him at the preparties ("didn't talk to anyone, i was just drinking and doing duolingo")

"i learned english ostensibly through playing lara croft" + talking to online friends on video game forums

"i'm butchering french all the time. i was talking to la zarra a lot and she was just side-eyeing me"

TEYA AND LUKE COLLAB IN THE WORKS

favourite album is american life by madonna (first album he bought for himself(?))

had to google what a ttrpg is, bless

he's very, very happy that the server has brought joy and support for so many people, because when he was 15-16 he wanted to use his music to create a safe space so people wouldn't have to be so lonely and go through some of the same things he went through

question: if you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? "i would've liked to not have my bitch era"

he only applied for the esc national final because he was planning on releasing samo mi se spava around that time and figured he'd go to promote it. he was not planning/expecting to win and go to eurovision. "i didn't even quit my job or anything"

if you see house on the hill live at a show, it'll be a longer version (the studio version is as short as it is because it was out of spite for universal music when they used to tell him all his songs were too long)

favourite game right now is solitaire

past fall out boy enjoyer, current panic! at the disco enjoyer (😭😭) also sir i need to know did you listen to my chemical romance. please. please this is very important

other artists he likes (incomplete): the killers, the cure, the white stripes, lana del rey, lady gaga, madonna, tamino, mika

"well after eurovision i'm bankrupt"

people were ordering merch from him during the call after he mentioned his merch site and the email notification sounds were going off in the background as he talked every few seconds (as of the end of him answering questions from the q&a channel the cds got sold out!)

aaand that's all i got before leaving the call because i needed to sleep

#chaos #absolute fucking chaos #but also chill #luke black #text #ash speaks

[parafessions]

"Get help" response. (I wanted to put this in someone's ask box who should know this stuff but they had anon off and I'm too nervous to show username since people can be mean and I'm mentally fragile. Would like anyone who sees this, agrees and can to reblog since people NEED to know this.)

Response: And how do you suppose I do that? Imagine for a moment that you yourself have an attraction/thoughts/desires which cannot be enacted in real life and you feel you need help. What do you do?

Do you tell people around you knowing they might misunderstand you and hate you or worse?

Do you go online to try and find a therapist or someone? And you reach the "find a therapist" sites. There is no speciality for what you're dealing with. They never list that sort of thing on those websites. And little to no therapists lists it publically for the especially taboo ones because there can be harassment and death threats over ANY sort of non-violent reactions towards the taboo such as M-A-Ps. And what if you're one who doesn't know that it's ALLOWED to search stuff up? Many people think even researching paraphilias out of curiousities is illegal. Many people think that HAVING an attraction is illegal, when what is illegal is actions such as abuse towards a group.

Maybe you're lucky enough to find a contact to someone who has the lists of these therapist people who have been trained for handling this stuff and understands that actions and thoughts are NOT INHERENT. You'll have to tell this stranger where you live relatively. And then if you happen get the list. What if there is nobody close by? What if they aren't accessible to a disability you have? What if they don't have your insurance? What if you can't afford it? What if their work hours are during YOUR work hours and you cannot get changed hours? What if you see them but they aren't a good match overall? Insurances can also need a diagnosis to cover it, and what if you don't meet a diagnostic criteria? Or being diagnosed with paraphilic disorder being on your medical record (which is WAY easier to access by pretty much any healthcare person even without your permission)? I've had a check-up for a physical issue and somehow she was able to see on my medical record, a mental diagnosis. I didn't give permission for that. "Confidentiality" is often a pretend game.

You cannot simply bring it up with ANY therapist/psychologist/whomever. These people are deeply flawed, as they are human. The whole therapist-like person "worship" like culture is terrible and often false. They are not exempt from bias and misunderstanding. Many have not been trained in these ways. Many have never heard of the non-offending paraphile. What if they misunderstand you and now you are KIDNAPPED maybe even drugged too (involuntary hospitalization)? With this, now it's on your medical record forever. You cannot get some jobs now. Your freedoms are greatly restricted all because of a misunderstanding.

And with these "get help"-ers. They don't GIVE resources. They don't know them and they don't look for them. They just use it because they are logical enough to know that telling someone to end themselves over something they didn't choose (and probably can't change is) CRUEL but not enough to realize the realities of the situations.

And they assume it's some sort of "cure". The paraphile who might need treatment is the one who is at risk of offending. Or who is struggling with self esteem due to constant hatred. At best, you get help with compulsive behaviors or actions and understanding why you cannot do said action for those who need it. Or you are told to find a community for understanding of fellow paraphiles to ease self hatred.

And all that leaves would be "conversion therapy" as "treatment" for the non-offending anti-contact non-majorly self hating paraphile. If it offends you so much that I'd use a word that has also been used with non-cishet's, pretend I said something else. I use that word because it is trying to convert sexual attraction into something else. There hasn't been any reliable cases of this happening long term. And then why should someone have to sign up for a possibly experimental abusive (shock "treatment" and such) conversion therapy simply because they have THOUGHTS which you deem gross?

If you are a "get help"er. Search for actual helpful resources for that group and post them. Tell them they are NOT destined to offend and there is help if they need it. Here are some decent resources I know for M-A-P-S. Virped dot org. B4uact dot org.

Add more resources for any group you can think of and know of. It's important for people who might need help to know where to find it and for those who can pust past their disgust and actually want to help people (including children, for many paraphiles realize their attractions when they are younger, not even teenagers yet.).

There can be more added/said on this. Feel free to! It's just a smaller quick read for those who cannot commit to reading longer.

To anti-paraphiles who might see this: push past your disgust if you're actually trying to do something good. Your misunderstandings and continued stigma will effect the next generations of mental people and the philes themselves. Pro-para doesn't mean pro-action. It's often about being supportive the person live a non-offending (for when applicable in cases of harm) and better life. Not every paraphile will also NEED help. Having thoughts doesn't mean acting on them. Having attractions doesn't mean acting on them. If a woman loves another woman (random example), is she destined to hurt her? No. Why is it any majorly different in another group? The only reason to think like that is because you have never heard of the non-offenders and only the offenders (Why would media's do something unprofitable and controversial? They are for profit. Not entirely for truth.). Maybe one could say "but the paraphile who cannot act out with their feelings". What if the woman in the previous example has unrequited feelings? She can still know what is and isn't acceptable to do. She cares about the other woman and doesn't want to hurt her. She cannot think of someone she'd want to do LESS. She loves her after all. They exist. We exist. Having an attraction doesn't totally alter and cloud your perceptions of consent and boundaries.

.

#confessions #paraphilia #paraphile #long post #lord it's a *long* one #in a good way

[canonicallyobserving911]

WIP Wednesday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

Season 7 FANON Speculation: Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Chapter 15 is available on AO3 & Chapter 16 will be posted soon.

Currently 15 chapters completed: 484.9K Words Rated: Mature

One chapter will be posted at a time.

I'm so excited to finish writing Chapter 16 because there are so many things happening for Buck and Eddie and the Diaz Family. For anyone who hasn't read Chapter 15, here's a brief overview: Buck and Eddie got engaged and they're in the process of planning the day their going to get married but it's different from the day they're planning to have an actual ceremony. They're getting married in December 2023 but the ceremony won't take place until May 2024 so they can invite their found family and Eddie's family to the ceremony. Buck told Eddie he wants to take his last name and they immediately started saying they're going to be Mr. & Mr. Diaz. Also, two more people discovered they're in a relationship but who was it and what did they see? Bobby already knows so who else saw something that caused them to believe they're already together?

___________

Here's some romantic fluff between Buck and Eddie from Chapter 16.

___________

“Babe… I logged into the LAFD HR intranet site and checked the amount of vacation time I have left for this year.”  Eddie says.

“How much do you have?”

“A lot.  Actually, I have more than 300 hours of unused time so…”  He walks over and wraps his arms around Buck’s waist then he kisses him on the cheek.  “Since we’ll be newlyweds, how about I take three weeks off work so we can rest when we get back.  All three of us are going to be jet lagged and I remember it takes one full day of sleep for every hour ahead we'll be traveling and that means…”  He lowers his voice and whispers something naughty into Buck’s ear.

Buck blushes then replies, “Mm, that sounds like a plan and we can also…”  He lowers his voice too and whispers something even naughtier into Eddie’s ear.

“Well, I love how that sounds future Mr. Diaz!”  Eddie says with a huge smile on his face then he leans in and breathlessly kisses his fiancé.

Where are Buck, Eddie and Chris going for Christmas? 👀

Are they going to tell anyone other than Chris about their plan to get married while they're away? 👀

___________

Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

__________

Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories.  Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie.  It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.

Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.

Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.

Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?

Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.

Chapter 16 - Will be posted soon.

__________

Read chapters 1-15 are available on AO3.

Continue reading on AO3

Chapter 16 will be posted soon. I'm almost finished proofing and editing it.

#buddie #eddie diaz #evan buckley #christopher diaz #the buckley diaz family #buckley diaz family #ao3 fanfic #911 fanfic #buddie fanfic #Fanonwriter2023 on AO3 #Hiatus Reading #WIP Wednesday #buddie wip #911 on abc #911 abc

[faithhopeloveandtherapy]

Back from our mini-break to Berlin 🇩🇪

Pics from the top: Brandenburg Gate, Reichstag building (the government building - we walked all the way to the top of that central glass dome on the roof), Victory Column, remnant of the Berlin Wall, Checkpoint Charlie, Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe

On day 1, we took a 6 hour guided bike tour around the city, which was totally the best way to see all the major sites as Berlin is quite a spread out city. We were away with five of our friends and we all absolutely loved this. It gave us a great overview and our guide told us lots of the history too. The photos show some of the places we saw.

On day 2, we started early and went up the dome of the Reichstag building and learnt about its history. Then we went to the Stasi museum and then the Stasi prison. Wow, I learnt so so much about life in East Berlin under Soviet rule. All those spy gadgets you read about in James Bond actually existed here, hidden cameras in ties and bags, listening devices planted in walls of rooms, members of your own family could be informing on you. The prison tour was so moving, many of the guides had been inmates there until as recently as 1989 when the prison closed down (I find it absolutely mind blowing that all this happened so recently). When the wall came down and East and West Germany reunified, all the prison staff, psychiatrists and doctors were granted immunity from prosecution so they went on to continue practising therapy and medicine for the general population, even though they had been involved in performing extreme psychological torture in the prison interrogation rooms. There were at least as many interrogation rooms than there were cells, so that tells you what went on day and night in that prison. The guides asked that we didn’t share photos of the prison on social media as they don’t want it glorified in any way.

On day 3, we went to the Topography of Terror, where we learnt more about the Nazi party, how they came into power and brought in their ideologies. Then we had to head to the airport to catch our flight home.

Berlin is a really fascinating city with so much history that it doesn’t shy away from but lays out for everyone to learn from.

#Berlin #city break #holiday

[quipxotic]

Time for another Campaign 3 wish list. Spoilers for the campaign up to C3E72, so be forewarned.

Here's a few things I'd love to see in upcoming episodes, in no particular order:

Ashton meeting a god. Preferably not the Dawnfather because I can't imagine that being anything but an explosive experience for everyone involved. Maybe the Changebringer? Maybe someone else? Not that I think such a meeting would change his opinion of them. But Ashton took the words of the angel in the Dawnfather's temple very personally and that's what motivated them to make changes in their life, many of which seem pretty positive. I've always thought their interpretation of that event a little odd and would love to see it challenged. Since the only ones in Team Issylra who could do that right now, Laudna and Orym, seem disinclined to do so, why not a god?

The witches spending some time together. If that leads to Imogen and Laudna telling Fearne they're dating, then great! If not, that's fine too.

FCG and Laudna talking about Turn Undead, including how it makes Laudna feel. Also all of Bell's Hells coming up with a plan for how FCG can still turn the undead while eliminating or limiting the damage to Laudna.

Orym and Ashton talking about how over the last day (in-game) our favorite halfling has rushed into battle twice, far ahead of everyone else, without support or communicating any type of plan. Both times he took major damage and in one he got very close to being knocked unconscious. He could get away with that kind of recklessness when the party was facing weaker, less organized threats, but they're dealing with some heavy hitters now and will be even more so if they go back to the dig site or to the moon. Personally, I don't think Orym has a death wish, but I do think he's willing to sacrifice himself for even the slimiest chance of preventing the people he cares about from dying on his watch. Previously the tanks had a pretty good track record of communicating and supporting each other in a fight. They need to get back on track before they face the battles they have ahead of them.

Everyone in BH talking with the tree. Let's face it, all of them need therapy and all of them could do with some hard truths.

No one in BH becoming incapacitated from cold damage on this sailing trip. This is one I suspect I'm not going to get; after all, there has to be a negative side-effect to traveling on a ghost ship.

Ashton using their Titan of Blood and chaos powers in front of someone not in BH but who recognizes those powers for what they are. I am partially dreading and partially hoping for this because so many interesting, and in some cases terrible, things could happen when someone powerful figures out who and what they are.

Imogen and FCG talking. I don't care what they talk about, I just like their dynamic.

Fearne and Ashton stealing from each other. If they end up having a real one-on-one conversation, maybe about that forehead kiss before the battle on the solstice, then wonderful.

Chetney not dying in his sleep or from any other cause before a) there are negative consequences for giving up that cursed sword and b) Deanna kicks his ass for trading away her ring.

Everyone sleeping in a great big pile together to conserve heat. I'm a sucker for the "there was only one bed" and similar tropes.

#critical role #critical role spoilers #bells hells #quipxotic stuff #c3e72

[ichirukilover]

I closed the door to Bl/each after the tragedy of 6/86 and briefly opened a window to LA, because well that pair is my weakness and it made me laugh how treacherously I/R it was.

So when weeks ago I saw a beautiful I/R fanart on Tik Tok (The anime came back, so the algorithm decided it was a good idea to torture me), and the response to a comment that said "They should have ended up together "was "READ THE MANGA", I was baffled. I mean, what did that mean? had I read a fake manga all those years and the "real manga" appeared Da Vinci Code-style after 2016? Was it all a Jump conspiracy? Have we been duped all this time?

That piqued my curiosity, so I wandered around several sites, reading publications from the "correct/canon/real manga" point of view; and well, you'll see even worse things the bible says.

Here are my favorites:

"The I/H was evident from the beginning, just read chapter 0": yes, because a one-shot that is a sketch of the general idea of a manga, that goes through many revisions and rewrites is absolutely determinant in the development of the main manga, and seriously, what exactly is the evidence?

"HM arc is the ultimate proof of I/H, he went to rescue her and even came back from the dead for her": well, so did her other friends and even R/enji and R/ukia, maybe they were all in love with her too. And about the resurrection...just...never mind.

"I/H are perfect for each other" Here I could do a whole essay from a psychological point of view that proves that it is an absolute fallacy and was more than clear in the FB arc, in real life they wouldn't work and would be a toxic couple. And God knows at least that boy needs therapy.

"O***ime looks like Ma/saki" * Bombastic side eye. Criminal, offensive side eye *

"O***ime deserves I/chigo”: Oh, so he was some kind of trophy for being a good girl, so it wasn't enough to objectify her, they also do the same with the boy.

"Ru/kia was a shinigami and I/chigo was a human, and she's much older than him, their relationship was impossible." *Everything but the rain entered the chat*.

"I/H fought together against Y/wach": And we all know how well they (he) did, right?

"W/D/k/A/L/Y": *sigh* that's what it looks like when you try to fix a mess and fail miserably.

"W/D/k/A/L/Y's scribble": ...

"Anime invented IR": The studio simply pushed something that was already implicit in the original material and they knew it would sell more, it's basic marketing. Most of us knew what was filler and what wasn't (rolls eyes).

And there definitely wasn't a parallel manga that magically made sense of that ending. What a disappointment.

And I/R are the delusional and lacking in compressive reading? It's so much easier to say you just don't like people ship I/R, instead of sending them to read the manga or giving lazy arguments. Pathetic.

This was long, but I just needed to vent or something, because I honestly found the whole situation absolutely hilarious.

My English is broken, so I hope I have been understood.

PS: So in my delusional mind I/R is right now enjoying his honeymoon on the beach *wink**wink*.

Blessings.

As someone that didn't leave after the ending and has seen all these "amazing points" take form and basically became the classic "IH and pro ending dudebro agenda" list, let me tell you, I was and still am baffled too. No matter how many times I read them, I still get shocked at how some really believe that bunch of BS, or better they keep repeating it untill they'll believe it.

You adressed them in a simple but direct and straight to the point way, I don't even need to add anything to what you said, agree to all of it, wait lol well maybe I could add the the pilot chapter lit has In0ue de0d at the end of it but what do we know, that doesn't seem to matter to them lol it doesn't have to make sense smh

In our delusional mind that ichiruki honeymoon on the beach is so vivid and real... I wonder why lmao

[milimeters-morales]

Same anon who got traumatised by people hormones when looking for Mig on this hellsit and then dubbed you and Spiderman-2o99 my main source of information regarding the character.

I finally saw the movie like I said and what I get from that is:

• What truly makes Miguel an antagonist is his trauma from destroying another universe but more importantly the trauma of losing the happiness of the happy family he's longed for.

•This has led to him thinking that every Spidermen- Spiderwomen - Spiderthey has a path with common factors to follow.

• Him telling Miles about how he's an anomalie and should never have been Spiderman is him projecting his unhealed trauma because He was not supposed to be in this dimension, He was never supposed to be that Gabriella's father. Especially when you consider the fact that Miles was not the one to bring the bug in his universe but Kingpin. So it's not Miles fault.

• Dude needs therapy so bad. I don't know how people thirst over him after watching the movie. Like,I've got empathy for the guy and I like Spiderman 2099 but my dude is so sad that I doubt he can even use his cucumber to fold all the hornies on this site like an origami as they wish

• The movie felt a lot like a coming out allegory especially the part where Gwen leaves her world after revealing her identity to her father and then get "rescued" by Miguel and Jess.

• Hobbie was so unserrious I liked it. Dude didn't even participate in the chase.

• Pavitr was not traumatised and did not have to see his girlfriend or aunty die 🙏🏾

• Rio and Jeff 🥺 the best parents. Even tho 2 months to ground someone is a lot. But I am Black born and raised in West Africa so I had worse like spending the whole school period without phone, TV, Internet or any form of entertainment 🙃.

• Again, this chase was unhealed trauma and projection on our Sunflower because if it wasn't Mig would have reacted in a more rational way, not getting all the spiderpeople out of base to chase Miles. Like it's an emergency but you do not leave the castle guardless or some.

• Pav was doing acrobatic cool things, the way he (insert verb for that thing they do with the Web going from building to building) was the most beautiful of all the spiderpeople. He was literally dancing.

• Gwen is trans and it's a fact

• Nobody is straight there. And everybody is neurodivergent in some way.

• The soundtrack was amazing

• Jess, was not pregnant after that Vulture scene, Nope, it has been too long for her to be still pregnant. Also the fact that someone could have punched her to labor. One thing is sure that baby felt like they were in a rollercoaster.

I have many other thoughts but it's too long to write it all here .

read this like it was a section in the newspaper with a big ass cigar in my mouth and leaned back in my leather office chair

#atsv spoilers