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podrickpaynest · 5 years

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Thoughts on the fandom and there handling of Elton's ED?

Hi, Anon! I don’t really see a lot of coverage/discussion for that in the fandom, which is not a bit surprising given the film itself is giving us just glimpses of the issue*.

I’m tiptoeing around the subject myself, becuase it feels so wildly intimate and invasive, even when I’m speaking strictly about events in the movie, not real life Elton John’s struggle (which I would never, and the guy is the hero, okay?)

The rest of the answer is under the cut, because I feel it may be triggering.

Weren’t you told at the beginning, when Elton is listing all of his issues, you could probably miss all the tiny hints about unhealthy relationship he has with food up to the moment when he obviously binges and then throws up closer to the end of the film.

And in my overanalyzing everything with burning passion opinion they start as early as with first line delivered by Sheila: Reggie! You’re late! I’ve had to throw your dinner in the bin! Get inside which already is a big red flag for me. There are negative emotions around eating JUST THERE, and this doesn’t sound like a good start. It’s easy to imagine little Reggie associating food with his mother being pleased or displeased with his behaviour - seeing that he has to act certain way to deserve it.

And then there are different bits and pieces that show you there is no way in hell this kid could develop healthy relationship with food and a healthy body image (Stanley’s and Sheila’s remarks, the atmosphere of family meal, the way Reggie is starved for physical contact and barely receiving any).

Of course later in the movie you can also see how self-aware about his looks Elton is, and

what actually bugging me for a bit until I understood this is actually genius:

You practically never see him eating.

And it makes so much sense, because bulimia feels shameful.

It’s something you do behind closed doors. There’s no way to romanticize it or to make it pretty. Binging and vomiting is so low and humiliating you’re doing everything to hide it from the world. And the rest of harmful Elton’s behaviours - drinking, taking drugs, sex addiction - this stuff can be glorified and considered as fun; can be done in public. Not ED. You can pretend your drinking habits/drug usage is just for entertainment, but you absolutely can’t deny, even in front of yourself, that ED comes from the place of self-hatred, and that makes it so shameful.

So when you finally get to see Elton actually eating something, it’s when he’s practically building a wall of food in front of himself to separate himself from whatever Bernie has to say. He starts to stuff himself just as he runs out of things to say.

I used to think it’s a shame that ED is not covered more thoroughly in the film, but in fact now I think it was done very well, albeit in a very subtle way.

*If you know any good posts about it, though, please let me know, I’m super curious! I am only aware of one particularly good fanfiction on the subject.

#anon #ask #reply #rocketman #tw:ed #tw:bulimia #tw:drugs #tw:alcohol #i don't even know this answer is close to what you expected anon and i'm sorry #i just tend to loose my fucking mind when it comes to rocketman

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supportivephandom · 6 years

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Hi. So, I developed an eating disorder a while ago (not officially diagnosed yey). It included restricting, fasting, and just overall obsessing over food and my weight. I also binged, but never did anything other than a few extra exersices or use laxatives. But the other day I purged for the first time. And now I do it almost every day. I know this isnt good but I think I'm becoming addicted and I really dont know how to stop. This doesnt have a point I just needed to vent.

Hey!It’s totally fine that you just needed to vent and I’m really glad you came by to talk to us. It sounds like you’ve had a really hard time with your eating disorder, and now that there’s a new symptom it must be hard to know how to deal with it. There’s no easy solution to things like this, but I think you know it’s really bad for you, and it would be great if you could work towards purging less. Small steps is key - slowly try different coping strategies and build a list of things that work for you. Spend time around others after meals, use distraction techniques, positive affirmations, or create a recovery book or poster to remind you the importance of being healthier. Being a low weight does not equal healthy, and taking care of your body is so, so important. You only get one! If you can talk to anyone about this, that would be great. The bigger your support network, the better. You can get through this, we all believe in you 💛It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is! Keep fighting lovely anon!- Aoife

#tw:eating disorder #tw:anorexia #tw:bulimia #tw:weight #answered #aoife

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gayquinn · 6 years

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History of People with Eating Disorders

I was going on a wikipedia deep dive (as you do) and I started reading about the history of anorexia and I thought it was quite interesting the different people afflicted with it and how they shaped societies perceptions. Warning!!! This could be triggering of course!!! I’m definitely not condoning it (quite the opposite, please take care of yourself!!!) But for interests sake and maybe it might help someone, I don’t know.

Saint Catherine of Siena (1347-1380)

Catherine was one of the two patron saints of Italy and one of the six patron saints of Europe. She was a little kooky (sorry to anyone who holds those beliefs) as she believed that she was married to Jesus and had an invisible wedding ring. She first began fasting in defiance when her mother tried to have her marry her sister’s widower. Her sister had also fasted in order to get her husband to have better manners, I don’t know how that was supposed to work. She lived with her family and did not want their food, saying that she had a table laid for her in heaven with her “real” family. When she became a tertiary she practiced strict abstinence, and concerned her associates with her lack of eating. This is a practice know as anorexia mirabilis, religious anorexia, as opposed to anorexia nervosa. She died at the age of 33 after having a massive stroke, most likely due to malnutrition.

Catherine of Aragon (1485-1536)

THIS Catherine was the Queen of England until she was famously by King Henry VIII causing the split between the protestant and Catholic church. After she was divorced, she confined herself to religion and also suffered from anorexia mirabilis from severe fasting. Scientists speculate she died from cancer.

Mary, Queen of Scotts (1542-1587)

This Scottish queen had a mysterious illness temporarily that caused dizziness, fainting, convulsions, and vomiting. This illness was undiagnosed but is thought in modern times to have possibly been anorexia. She recovered and was eventually executed for trying to assassinate queen Elizabeth.

Renee Vivien (1877-1909)

A famous poet and lesbian, she lived a life of sybaritism filled with sadomasochism and affairs. She had unsuccessfully tried to commit suicide in 1908 and began to refuse to eat due to depression. She eventually passed away from pneumonia complicated by anorexia, as well as alcohol and drugs.

Irene Fenwick (1887-1936)

She was a silent film star who had appeared in more than 10 movies and multiple stage plays. She was married to film star Lionel Barrymore who played Mr. Potter in It’s a Wonderful Life. She died at age 49 from pneumonia due to complications of anorexia, called “overdieting” at the time.

Jane Fonda (1937-)

This famous fitness guru, actress and activist has been open about her battle with bulimia. She has been active in women’s rights, anti-war efforts, environmental rights, and so many other things she’s really just a boss ass bitch. Her body issues began with her father, who taught her that appearance was the most important thing she had. She said she developed the disorder like three of her father’s five wives. She said that her disorder began when her mother committed suicide at age 12, and she would sometimes purge up to 20 times a day.

Sande Crabb (1937-1957)

The daughter of a famous actor and olympic athlete Buster Crabbe, she died at age 20 from anorexia. It wasn’t an understood disease at the time, she officially died from “malnutrition brought on by an emotional disturbance”.

Dianna Ross (1944-)

This famous diva revealed in her book Secrets of a Sparrow that she had suffered from anorexia in the 60s when with her musical group, and even had collapsed on stage.

Sally Field (1946-)

Sally is an actress who’s been in many prominent works such as Forest Gump, Steel Magnolias, the Flying Nun, The Amazing Spider-Man, and Mrs. Doubtfire. She suffered from bulimia in her 20s because of not feeling attractive enough.

Elton John (1947-)

This absolutely legendary man has stated that admitting he needed help for his addiction and eating disorder was more difficult than coming out. He corroborated with Princess Diana over their shared bulimia.

Richard Simmons (1948-)

The flamboyant fitness guru spoke with Oprah about how he began his weight loss and had trouble stopping when he was a kid. He recovered with a strong positive attitude and help from his beloved fitness routine.

Karen Carpenter (1950-1983)

Possibly the most famous person to die from anorexia, Karen’s death certainly brought much needed light to the subject. She was one of the lead singers and a drummer for the band The Carpenters along with her brother. She had an abusive husband, possibly pushing her towards the eating disorder. She began dieting in high school and was at a healthy weight. When seeing an unflattering photo of herself taken at a concert, she hired a personal trainer and began to have a more specific diet. The personal trainer’s suggestion caused her to gain muscle which made her appear heavier, so she fired him and began to restrict her eating. She contacted Cherry Boone about her illness who suggested she see her doctor. She was treated by a psychiatrist but continued to use thyroid pills to increase her metabolism and laxatives so her condition worsened. She was finally admitted to a hospital where they put her on intravenous nutrition, which was a success, but the rapid weight gain caused damage to her already weak heart. She seemed to be improving tremendously after the hospital, but ultimately collapsed at home and died at the hospital from a weak heart. Her death brought attention to the disease, and her family created a memorial foundation in her honor.

Gelsey Kirkland (1952-)

A very famous and talented ballerina, she joined the New York Ballet at age 15 and danced as Clara Stahlbaum in the 1977 televised production of the nutcracker. She was also on the cover of Time magazine in 1978. In 1986 she published her memoire Dancing on my Grave, which chronicled the struggles with drugs, plastic surgery, abuse and an eating disorder on her rise as a dancer. She had a tremulous disorder, starving herself during the day and then binging and purging during the night and taking multiple pills and supplements to aid in weight loss.

Susan Dey (1952-)

This actress struggled with an eating disorder when she was cast in the show The Partridge Family at only 18. She recovered without too much damage.

Cathy Rigby (1952-)

At first an olympic silver metal gymnast, she retired at only 18 due to an injury. She then went onto acting and portrayed the character Peter Pan for 30 years, including on Broadway. She spoke publicly on her struggle with bulimia in the 80′s, where she said she would consume almost 10,000 calories a day and almost died twice from an electrolyte imbalance. She struggled with the need to maintain a “perfect weight” when she was in gymnastics, and her problems only worsened after she left gymnastics. She attributed her struggles with bulimia to her lack of self confidence, and said that her second husband helped her get the treatment she needed.

Dennis Quaid (1952-)

The actor said in an interview that he had developed anorexia while losing over 40 pounds to portray Doc Holiday in the movie Wyatt Earp. He said while the weight loss was temporary, the mentality stuck with him.

Cherry Boone (1954-)

Daughter of Pat Boone and granddaughter of famous country singer Red Foley, she was also in her own music group with her sisters in the 70s called The Boones. The same year she met Karen Carpenter and the year before she died, Cherry published her book Starving for Attention which detailed her living with anorexia and her recovery. She later published two follow up books on the matter.

Diana, Princess of Wales (1961-1997)

The famed princess of wales turned to bulimia when she was struggling with her husband’s infidelity. It began the week after her engagement when her then-fiance made a comment about her weight. She spoke out about her struggles in order to encourage others to seek help.

Lena Zavaroni (1963-1999)

Lena was a child star who remains the youngest person ever to have an album in the top ten UK charts. She suffered from anorexia from the age of 13 and depression from the age of 15. She begged for a psychosurgical brain operation which she received and seemed to improve her mood. However she died shortly after from pneumonia from complications from her eating disorder.

Dolores O’Riordan (1971-2018)

The frontwoman for the band the Cranberries. She revealed in an interview in 2013 that she had suffered from sexual abuse which caused her to lapse into anorexia. She has also spoken openly about her bipolar disorder and suicide attempts. She died recently of currently unknown means.

Christy Henrich (1972-1994)

An American olympic silver metal gymnast, a judge in an international meet in 1989 first told her she needed to lose weight. The sport of gymnastics was dominated by very petite girls. Her coach Al Wong also made derogatory comments about her weight, after his pressuring ultimately lead gymnast Julissa Gomez to die from a fatal injury from a move too dangerous. Christy’s efforts to lose weight to maintain her popularity in gymnastics eventually escalated into full-blown anorexia. She weighed only 47 pounds, and died of multiple organ failure. After her death other gymnasts came forward with their stories of disordered eating and the issue was addressed by multiple programs to inform about nutrition, as well as commenters on American gymnastic television programs were no longer allowed to mention a gymnasts weight.

Portia de Rossi (1973-)

Ellen’s wife wrote about her struggle with bulimia and anorexia in her book Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain. Her disorder began at 12 years old when a modeling director told her to lose weight. Her disorder then resurfaced when was working on the show Ally McBeal. She’s said that she would sometimes eat as few as 300 calories a day, and take as many as 20 laxatives.

Hila Elmalich (1973- 2007)

An Israeli model who only weighed 60 pounds when she passed away from heart failure. After her death Israel passed a law in 2012 that models must have a healthy BMI over 18.5 in order to work.

Melanie Chisholm (1974-)

Also known as sporty spice! Melanie has been very open about her depression and eating disorder, talking about how she would spend hours at the gym and restricted her diet to only fruit and vegetables while she was in the Spice Girls. The pressure of being a popstar caused her to be critical of her body image, but she now has a healthy relationship with food.

Victoria Beckham (1974-)

Also known as posh spice. While she has been less open about her disorder than her fellow Spice Girl, she revealed in her autobiography Learning to Fly that she had suffered from appearance issues facing pressure for the Spice girls and began to binge eat in later years.

Hedi Guenther (1975-1997)

A ballet dancer who was first told to lose weight while in dance school. She broke her foot in her first season and refused medical treatment as she was afraid she would lose her contract and just rested when she wasn’t dancing. This caused her to gain five pounds. Although her company told her not to lose any weight as she was already too thin, her artistic director told her that if she did not lose the five pounds during summer vacation she would not get a part. Her company urged her to gain weight, but her mother insisted she lose weight to get better parts. She died at Disneyland from cardiac arrest due to her eating disorder. After her death American ballet companies began to treat the disorder seriously.

Victoria, Crown Princess of Sweden (1977-)

This literal princess struggled with an eating disorder in her teenage years before she went to college. The illness was particularly difficult to deal with due to her position in the public eye. She has said that when she had little control in her life, she found control in the foods she was putting into her body.

Daniel Johns (1979-)

The frontman for the band Silverchairs. He developed depression and anorexia while on tour in 1997 for their album Freakshow. He then wrote a song about his experiences, Ana’s Song, which premiered on their next album.

Isabelle Caro (1982-2010)

A model and actress who advocated for the treatment of anorexia. She was featured in the TV show Supersize vs Superskinny and interviewed for the TV documentary The Price of Beauty. Most famously she was featured in an ad campaign with her naked body with the words No Anorexia in 2007. Her gaunt and bony body was very shocking to the public. She hoped to raise awareness to the severity of the disease but the ad was banned in several places if it was determined it exploited the illness. Her disorder was perpetuated by her mother, who had an irrational fear of her growing. She died of an immunodeficiency caused by her disorder.

Billie Piper (1982-)

This Doctor Who darling said that she had dealt with an eating disorder and suicidal thoughts since she was a teenager. It’s said she would do self destructive behaviors such as eating tissues or going up to five days without eating solid food. She discusses her disorder in her book Growing Pains.

Luisel and Eliana Ramos (1984-2006) (1988-2007)

Two sisters were both prominent “Size 0″ models. Luisel collapsed from a heart attack after eating nothing but lettuce and diet coke for 3 months. Her sister Eliana passed away shortly after also from a heart attack brought on by malnourishment.

Ana Reston (1985-2006)

Ana was the reason that eating disorders within the modeling business were brought to light. Like many models, she was told by a casting agent that she was too fat and needed to lose weight. Towards the end of her life she subsisted on nothing but apples and tomatos. She died of a kidney malfunction and became a martyr for the fashion industry.

Troian Bellisario (1985-)

This actress is most notable for her work on the show Pretty Little Liars. She’s spoken about difficulties in high school and having problems with anorexia and self harm. She wrote, produced, and starred in the movie Feed which dealt with the issue of anorexia. She said making the film had helped her heal from her own disorder.

Lily Allen (1985-)

The singer has spoken about her battles with bulimia before, and suffered from major postpartum depression.

Brittney Snow (1986-)

The pitch perfect and hairspray actress has been very open about her experiences with anorexia, depression, and self harm. She’s discussed things she experienced that are common to other people with anorexia, about considering other people worried a good sign, or thinking that she would feel better if she got down to a certain number.

Allegra Versace (1986-)

The daughter of Donatella Versace, and niece of the legendary designer Gianni Versace. Unlike her celebrity family, she is very withdrawn and dislikes the spotlight. Her uncle’s murder traumatized her as a child and left her emotionally stunted. Her mother issued a public statement in 2007 that she was suffering from, and getting treatment for anorexia.

Mary-Kate Olsen (1986-)

One half of the most popular set of twins was committed to an institution following her high school graduation for her struggles with anorexia.

Snooki (1987-)

Yes, Snooki. The reality star talked about how she would starve herself in high school, but returned to a healthy weight with the intervention of her parents.

Evanna Lynch (1991-)

This Harry Potter cutie patootie has worked hard to help people recover from eating disorders after suffering herself. She was in a treatment facility at only eleven years old for anorexia. She found the disorder was a way of getting attention that she could control.

Demi Lovato (1992-)

This singer has been very vocal about her struggles with depression, self harm and eating disorders. She’s become a role model for teenage girls struggling with anorexia and or bulimia.

#personal #anorexia #trigger warning #TW: anorexia #TW: weight loss #history #bulimia #TW:Bulimia

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pepper---chase · 6 years

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bathwater - self para.

i watch the bathwater drain, it’s never looked quite the same the weight comes back to my body, and i’m hopeless again.

Pepper stares at the wall of the shower, sunk into the water of the tub. She’s in Jordan’s bathroom, not sure if she can get away with opening up a razor and taking a blade. She settled for two minutes of shocking heat, scalding water and heavy steam, ripping the air out of her lungs. Now, it’s cool, soothing the skin on her back as she leans her head against the tile. She looks around the bathroom as she soaks in the water, contaminated by leftover sex and sweat and guilt and shame and self-loathing. The mirror features a few Victoria’s Secret underwear stickers. They haven’t been there long. Probably purchased since they started fucking. Her retainer case is hot pink with holographic Hello Kitty stickers, much more worn than the hearts on the mirror. There’s a bottle of Summer’s Eve on the counter. Pepper knows that Jordan knows it’s not good for her vaginal health, but even beautiful, shiny people like Jordan worry sometimes, look in the mirror and see a problem or think does my vagina smell good enough for someone to like me? To love me? The toilet is not much different from Pepper’s on the outside. Porcelain, white. But no one kneels in front of it to seek answers, help, perfection, acceptance. No one uses the pink toothbrush in the cup on the counter for anything other than brushing their teeth. And the razor is still a normal razor, used religiously for armpits and legs and a somewhat razor-burned mons pubis, never deconstructed for pain. Pepper wriggles down into the water, submerging her face, and listens to the heaviness of the water, her sins mingled with shampoo and Jordan’s Lush shower gel. She tries to let it strip away the memory of Jordan’s fucks and pleases and the drawn out yeee-eeeee-eee-ssss, the feeling of her heart fluttering, just barely, while Jordan kissed the back of her neck, fingers gently brushing her side, the adoration that constantly radiates from her stupid unconditionally-loving face. She tries to forget all of that, make it not real. Because she has to be loyal to Hanna or because she has to punish herself? She opens the drain and turns the shower back on, rinses the remaining soap and that question. She puts her hair in a wet ponytail, uses the toothbrush as it was intended,-- she can’t bring herself to defile what seems so pure-- puts on a pair of Jordan’s sleep shorts and a sweatshirt, and crawls back into her bed.

i watch the twists and the turns, distract me from where it hurts it’s like i’m watching my life go past the point of return.

She wonders if her defibrillator has gone off in the past few minutes, sitting in a different tub, pink water and fragrant fizz and glitter surrounding the loosely-bound collection of bones and organs and newly bleached hair. She can’t get comfortable. If she moves to where her scapulae don’t dig into the porcelain, she’s too deep in the water and when things go south, she could slip and start drowning and add a whole new element to something that needs to be quick and nearly painless. She picks the knife up and puts it down about twenty times in the span of just one song. Every time I close my eyes, it’s like a dark paradise. Her phone speakers are maxed out, turned to the wall in an attempt for amplification. She doesn’t know if she’s going to cry or start freaking out or what, but if there’s any noise other than her femoral artery emptying, she doesn’t want anyone but her and God and maybe Hanna to hear it. She’s done this hundreds of times, just less severe. Shallow, quickly scabbed over, or slightly deeper, tiny white scars to remind her. Why is it so hard to 1) pick up knife 2) find the spot under her hipbone where this stupid thing should be 3) stab hard and deep, fast, get it over with 4) lean back, close eyes 5) die? The plan seemed perfect. She’s come this far. Stole the key card from Jordan, walked right out the back door to the garage, hailed a cab. Bought a bleaching kit, a new nose ring, and a Lush Pink bomb and Creamy Candy bubble bar, a ride to Montauk and a hotel room electronically. Thanks, Apple Pay. She went down to the beach, shivered the whole time, sweater pulled tight around her shoulders, wind breaking off the waves and pushing against her. ( Get out of here. Turn back. ) She went in the old ice cream store, just reopened a month ago during spring break, ordered a scoop of cinnamon toast and a scoop of blueberry muffin in a waffle cone, but it didn’t taste the same as it did when Hanna sat across from her and made fun of the inevitable smear of ice cream on her nose. She went back to the hotel, re-bleached her hair, opened the doors to the balcony and took a nap with the sea breeze blowing in on her. Ordered room service, three Belgian waffles with cream, blueberries, bananas, bacon. Tried to eat it. Enjoy it. The calories won’t matter when you’re dead. Her stomach twisted up. She got through one waffle and the blueberries before screaming curses at the entire fucking plate and her stupid digestive system and her stupid brain and God and whoever else was to blame for everything. Took a deep breath. Started the water, lowered herself in gently, placing the large knife from the room service tray on the side of the tub. Put in the bath bomb, listened to the playlist she’d made in the cab. ( Eyelids. Ride. Young and Beautiful. Together. The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face. Dark Paradise. Teen Idle. Medicine. Lonely Hearts Club. Control. Chandelier. Heavy In Your Arms. A Little Fall of Rain. Over the Love. Twinkle Song. Demon Limbs. I Will Follow You Into the Dark. ) When it repeated, she added more hot water, crumbled the bubble bar. Tried to be ready. She stares at the knife now, still concentrating. Do it. Do it. Fucking do it. What about HeatherAliceGinaJordan what about KarlBrett what about TinkaHeatherGreene what about Tess what about you what about you what about NO. She digs the heels of her hands into her eyes. The soap stings. That’s why her eyes water. That’s why tears start rolling. That must be why. “They’ll be better off without me,” Her voice is weak, barely audible even to her. “They deserve better than me.” whataboutyou “I deserve nothing.” No food, no kindness, no love. She looks up at the ceiling. “Help me!” She’s glad the music is loud. “I know you probably hate me but that should make you want to get rid of me! Help!” She grips the knife handle so hard it hurts her hand. “I want it!” Want what? To die or to live? “I want-- I want--” It won’t come out. “I WANT--!” Silence. “FUCK--!” She lets out a sob, leans over, tips of her hair dipping into the pink. “I have to do it-- I have to.” She repeats the mantra, tries to compose herself as she does ( ihavetoihaveto. ihavetoihaveto. ) She sees two futures in the water. One, stained with blood. Heather splitting open the skin on her knuckles, unable to cry anymore. Alice in the basement with stockpiled alcohol. Gina putting those old walls back up. ( ithinkmymom-- ) Jordan crying for weeks, months, that same horrible noise that came out in her bedroom. The other future is more distant. Heather having lunch with her somewhere, ordering bacon cheese fries even though she knows she’ll stare at them for ten minutes before allowing herself to eat one. Alice smiling, offering hugs and Oreos and cigarettes. She tries not to see the contrast in that and the next scene. Gina is waking up next to her, not in a twin bed. A big one, built for two. Jordan delivers a blueberry muffin to her somewhere, then says she has to go to work, runs off in scrubs and Vans Sk8-His. She blinks herself out of the alternate realities. One is what she could do. The other is what she could have. What she could be. She turns the knife over. Nearly drops it. FOCUS. ( ihavetoihaveto. ) She lifts herself up slightly tries to find the place. Femur to hip. The bones are easy to find-- the 100 on the anatomy test flashes back-- nothing but greatness is expected of you from now on! The blood vessel must be close. DO IT. She tries to aim. ( ithinkmymomkilledherself ) She slips back down, water hitting her in the face. The knife splashes into the pink, right between her legs. Stop--! ...You have to stay. She carefully finds the knife handle, tears blinking out fast, and slams it down on the edge of the tub. Hanna, somewhere above, breathes a sigh of relief. Pepper answers the question. “I-- want to live.” The words are so soft she’s not sure she said them, not sure she thought them. But she’s still sitting there when Jordan busts through the door, looks in and sees her, flings the knife across the room, nearly dives in the bathtub to hold her. She’s still there.

Pepper drops a Cheer Up Buttercup bomb in the tub after yoga. She carefully covers the new tattoos, a band-aid on her stomach underscored by the words i forgive you, and a slice of pizza on her ankle, then stands on the scale. She writes 106 on the mirror with a dry erase marker, adds a smiley face and hearts. She slips into the yellow foam carefully, exhaling. The words from the meditative instructor linger, always in the back of her head, mixing with those of her therapist. Release anything that is no longer serving you. -- Let yourself enjoy things. Give your body whatever it tells you it needs. -- Love yourself enough to decide you deserve more. She runs her hands along her body under the water. Feels a small roundness under her ribs. A tummy, she calls it, not gross, not ugly. Enough flesh to say I’m healthy. There are abs building above it and underneath it. It’s just a slight slope from her ribs to the top of her pants when she’s dressed, looking at it through a mesh top in the mirror. She keeps feeling. Two thighs, muscular now, toned, but they set off an alarm in the back of her mind when she sits down in shorts or leggings. She has to override, shut it off. They are fine. They’re strong, and there’s more than enough room for Gina to get between them when she wants to. You. Are. Doing. Great. You. Are. Good. She finds her breasts, no longer a pair of nipples on a ribcage. Real ones. 36A, but real. Hers. She finds her thighs again, moves up, closes her eyes. A gentle touch from her hand. She doesn’t imagine Hanna now. Doesn’t hate herself after. Acts of kindness for Pepper by Pepper don’t have to be apologies for the past or encouraging thoughts. Sometimes she just sits in the bathtub and her fingers travel along her body and she takes the time to feel it. She stands up after the water is cold and rinses her hair, her body, dries off, flops down in front of the couch. She waits for Gina. Rests her hands on the small sloping tummy. What she has. What she is.

#wow this poured out #the first line has been in my drafts for like a month lol but i really got started last night #and here it is #finally addressing the near-suicide from her point of view #tw:depression #tw:anorexia #tw:bulimia #tw:self harm #tw:suicidal ideation #tw:suicide attempt #tw:disordered eating #i love her self care routines!!!!#( bio. )

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honey-milk-depresso · 2 years

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My favorite part of the "Honeyuu b00ba saga" is that it implies she is eventually able to start recovering from her bulimia (since I'm pretty sure you can't really have such a, ehm, "squishy" figure if you're not getting enough to eat)

TW: Covers topic on bulimia.

I know it’s very faint, and extremely vague, :”)))

but you’re right! Honeyuu has been eating to get better in a sense, and both of them are trying to get her to be patient with her recovery.

The thing is, even if she still eats, her body is storing extra weight in prediction of another starvation. So while she’s putting on weight (not necessarily growing fatter), her metabolism is still low, but again, she needs more than just weeks, months, a year to finally recover.

So maybe just them being all clingy onto her booba like the brats they are indicates that perhaps they’re trying to tell her that she’s going to be find, and that she’s perfect the way she is.

Almost before the events of crashing into going to NRC, it was the time where she realised this isn’t what she wanted, and tried so hard to recover on her own (ultimately forcing herself into a very uncomfortable situation of forced remedy).

But you know, they’re still perverts either way- >:<

#trey clover #ace trappola #twst #twst yuu #ace x honey x trey #treyuuace #treyuu #aceyuu #honerey #honace #honey.txt #honey #honeyuu #honey ryuu #tw:bulimia #anon #anon ask.txt #honeymilkdepresso.exe

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goddamnitdazai · 7 years

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[ TW - Bulimia/ED ] I understand this ask on a personal level. Thanks for specifying nonnie! [Atsushi] • When he notices you fidgeting around with a bowl of fruit in the morning and that mix of nerves and irritability Atsushi immediately knows somethings up. It’s been tough since the beginning and if anyone Atsushi can understand fighting a mental battle nobody else can see—and that makes him more sympathetic towards your plight. Atsushi isn’t entirely sure what to say in these situations, so he chooses to show you he’s here for you through actions. • Atsushi figures keeping more broth-related things full of proteins and necessary nutrients might help ease you back into consistency. He makes you simple soups and broth based dishes and preps them for lunch and dinner if he’s at work while you’re home. He experiments with different things (on the healthier and cheaper side) if it makes it easier for you to eat. He tries not to keep count of how many pre-made dishes are left in the fridge at the end of the week but he can’t help worrying about how much you’re eating. • Even though he stumbles over his words Atsushi tries to throw compliments your way as often as he can or words of encouragement when he sees you having a rough day. His main priority is your happiness and even though he knows at times you don’t want to talk about it Atsushi tries to get you to open up about how you’re feeling and what you’re going through. He knows he’ll never fully understand, but he knows from his own experience with internal struggles that having someone there to cry on or just release pent up rage and anger is important—he wants you to know he’s here to stay no matter how rough things get. [Akutagawa] • Akutagawa is perceptive as all hell, but he doesn’t go the soft route when bringing up the frequent trip to the bathroom after you’ve eaten. His delivery is blunt because to him he’d rather outright call the problem as he sees it and worry about feelings afterwards—but the minute tears brim your eyes and your fists ball Akutagawa inwardly panics. Without warning he wraps his arms around you tightly (and rather stiffly) so your cries are muffled into his chest. • Not understanding the problem doesn’t defer Akutagawa from attempting to throw heavy roadblocks for the sake of your health. Mental fragility is something Akutagawa gets, but he’s not willing to let you make yourself sick (or worse) while he stands idly by. He won’t force you to eat anything heavy but he will sit with you until enough time has passed after you eaten that nothing would come up if you tried to force it. Through tears or angry screams or panicked cries Akutagawa sits through it all without batting an eyelash. He’ll hold you or let you thrash at him or scream but he holds his ground and refuses to let you go until enough time has passed. • He will prod you for information, more on his own need to understand. In his heart he wants to help but without knowing everything he relies on his instincts which come off brash and he doesn’t want to make this any harder on you. On days you’re doing good Akutagawa drops a fresh bouquet of flowers on your nightstand (if you ask he just shrugs it off without explanation), and on days you’re struggling he’s more affectionate. Running his hands through your hair, tugging you close to his chest on the couch, and anything he can think of that will help you relax and possibly ease the thoughts dragging you down. [Chuuya] • Chuuya notices there’s something amiss right away, but he waits a day or two so you have the opportunity to come to him before he asks. He’s got an inkling of what it may be but because the subject is sensitive he wants to give you time. If you don’t bring it up Chuuya charms you into a nighttime drive (right after dinner) and brings it up as you’re out looking at the city lights. Chuuya pulls the car into an empty area by the water and talks with you, planting reassuring kisses and sweet words even if you’re struggling to form your thoughts. • While Chuuya can’t keep watch on you every second of every day he does take mental notes about how your clothes are fitting and if they happen to be getting looser. When he can he runs interference and whisks you away to a movie, a romantic night at a festival, or a walk under the stars right after lunch or dinner. During breakfast Chuuya slinks his hand up your thigh and beckons you to the shower after you’re finished for some morning fun. Anything to keep you in his sights after you eat and your mood elated. • If he finds it necessary Chuuya will drag you to a therapist (if you don’t have a preferred one) after conducting thorough research and finding the best in the city. He offers to sit in with you, but if you opt for one on one he sits patiently in the waiting room. Even if you’re miffed when you come out he knows he’s doing the best for you and hopes you’ll understand (eventually). Afterwards Chuuya cooks your favorite comfort food and splits it with you in the hopes that having someone to share a meal with will be less daunting then eating the entire thing yourself.

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smol-lydia · 4 years

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Whenever I see Eva Noblezada talk about her bulimia on Instagram I just want to hug her and tell her that’s it’s gonna be okay and it’s hard to stop purging and I understand.

I also met her at the stage door of Miss Saigon right before I shipped out to Renfrew and committed to recovery and I think about that a lot.

Since that moment 3 years ago I’ve fallen on and off the abstinence wagon for bulimia so many times. Pretty much the only thing that has kept me currently on it is quarantining with my partner and knowing I can’t get away with behaviors as a result (bae found my laxatives and threw them out right before I got ill with coronavirus in March).

Mental health recovery is a lot of ups and downs and that’s okay! Just know that if you’re struggling out there you are loved. ❤️❤️❤️

#eva noblezada #tw:bulimia #recovery

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idcimgettingthinner · 4 years

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Cookie dough is absolutely horrid to purge

#tw #tw:bulimia #binge purge #eating disorder #not pro #bulimia

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pepper-chase · 7 years

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Therapy has never been her favorite thing to do. Not even her like, thirtieth favorite. It’s pretty far down. So far down that it reaches into the least-favorite end of the spectrum.

After her esophagus ripped open, it started, the constant flow of forced speaking. It never helped anything, because, to be fair, she wasn’t really trying. It wasn’t going to make her feel better, or stop hating herself, so what was the point of explaining why she didn’t want to eat? It was almost impossible for her to understand, so why would anyone else?

Even after she’d almost killed herself, talking to anyone but Gina was weird, difficult, more troubling than helpful. She’d always been a fucking burden, and dumping all the weight of her problems on someone else was fucked up, and probably wouldn’t make them go away. She could keep it locked away, deep down, and little pieces could come up occasionally, for Gina. Telling her things felt good, right, like carrying a heavy backpack and three textbooks and letting someone else take a book or two.

But Gina’s gone and she feels so alone for the first time since she sat in the pink bathwater by the ocean and stared at the knife. She’s been coasting since then, got a little better, then broke her hip and got a little worse. Now she’s sitting on the edge of her bed crying and hating herself for crying because Gina is better and Heather will be soon and all she can think is that they left her, like everyone else. Like Tess, like every foster parent, like God, like Hanna. She wants to release it all, bleed it out, puke it out, something. She surprises herself when she thinks maybe she could talk it out instead.

She sits in front of the blonde therapist, somehow talked into a fizzy tea that has something like 6 billion little organisms living in it. Maybe she just offered and her dumb fat mouth said yes before she could stop it. She’ll take two sips, then it’ll get flat and warm and she’ll abandon it. She doesn’t want those extra calories she doesn’t want more pounds they’ve forced too much and ninety-five feels too much like jiggly thighs and standing on the scale in front of everyone and wanting to disappear completely.

“I’m glad you came to see me. What do you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know. I just want to get some shit out before I decide to cut myself or barf.”

“You made a good decision. Can you explain why cutting or purging is your typical answer to stressors?”

This is already annoying, but she’s trying. “Because. I have to get some of this out. It hurts too much to leave it all in. And I don’t believe in talking shit out.”

“Well, you’re here, aren’t you?”

Pepper leans to her left, sticking both feet under her right hip, but doesn’t respond to that.

“So, what do you want to get out?”

Again, she doesn’t know.

“Did anything specific upset you?”

“The only two people I love are leaving me here.”

“Let’s talk about that.”

Pepper says Heather is the only real family she has, Karl and Tess are fake and don’t know her, even if they buy her things and try to make her like them. Dallon says that they’re probably desperate for a way in, and she has to help them out a little. Pepper just stares at the desk. Anyway, Heather is what she always needed, someone who stuck up for her and believed in her and cared, who was around just because she wanted to be, not because she had to be or because she was getting paid for it. She was like a cool older sister who thought she was cool, and smart, and pretty, and nobody ever thought that, at least, not in a way that was obvious or made her feel loved.

She says Gina is like other-kind-of-family, like they might end up sharing a last name someday kind of family. She didn’t think it would ever happen again because Hanna was the first one to love her, ever, at all, the first person to say you are worth my time and money and effort I want you to be alive I love you and she was suddenly gone and she never said it back. So she spent three years trying to make up for it, nightly visits and occasional brushes with death the closest she got, then she said Hanna I’m coming and Hanna said NO! and made her stay because Gina’s mom killed herself and what the hell was she going to do if she did, too? And Gina won over Hanna, and no one had ever done that before. And she went back, left the knife in the hotel room and let them take her back. Because she loved her. She let her talk and she listened and smiled wide and didn’t judge but she pushed because she fucking cared. She loved her, and-- she loved her back. And this time she said it. And everything was good.

“So, you just told me how much both of these people love you. And how you love them.”

“And?”

“So, why do you feel abandoned? You said the note promised you’d see each other again, and I’m sure Heather feels the same way.”

“I’m just tired of people leaving me! They’ll get out there and realize they don’t want me. And I’m never fucking getting out, I’ll die in here.”

Of course, she asks why she thinks that. Because Tess dumped her and decided she didn’t need her anyway and left her there until she was seventeen and too fucked up to feel anything but bitterness. And everyone she lived with for sixteen years just said fuck this and sent her back, over and over, return to sender. ( We don’t want this one. She’s not good enough. ) And God obviously hated her, because what the hell did she do to deserve all this crap?

Dallon slides her notepad over to let her make a list.

ALL THE CRAP GOD GAVE ME - pepper chase 1. a shitty body 2. a fucked up brain 3. a mom who threw me away 4. a brother who apparently did not ask about why i was thrown away enough to instill guilt before i was fucking seventeen 5. self loathing 6. a dead girlfriend 7. no spiritual guidance. seriously. no fuckin leads man 8. stretch marks 9. sadness 10. nothing good to offer the world #worthless trash

By now, she’s crying, digging tissues into her eyes. “And then, like, even she left me, so, fuck me I guess.” The words slip out before she knows what she’s saying.

Dallon says Hanna didn’t get to choose. Pepper knows that. But everyone else did, so why did they leave? They didn’t care. Dallon reminds her that Gina and Heather care. And they have no reason to change their minds about her. “They know just about everything, don’t they?” She nods. “So what would make them decide they’re out, suddenly?” She doesn’t know. “They won’t,” She answers for her. “You just tell yourself bad things are going to happen so you won’t be disappointed by anyone. And you don’t expect anything from yourself because you think you’ll let yourself down, too.”

“Do you trust them?”

“Of course.”

“Then, trust them.”

Dallon looks at the list.

“Why do you hate your body?”

“It’s ugly.”

“When did you decide that?”

“A long time ago.”

“When did you start acting on it?”

“2013. I wanted people to like me.”

“You wanted to like yourself?”

No answer.

“So, if it hasn’t helped so far, what makes it hard to give it up?”

She says she’s scared. Of what? It’s hard to answer.

Falling apart.

Dallon says she needed to be in control, after years of watching everyone else move her around and put her in the trash and leave her behind. She says she can take control of her life completely now, not just this tiny part of it. She says actually, the hateful alt-Pepper in her head is controlling her now, making her go further than she ever wanted to. And she can stop her.

Pepper says she doesn’t know how.

“Yes, you do.”

She must not understand how it all works. No, she doesn’t know how. If she did, she would be better by now--

“You came here today. You won today. You can win again.”

She says a lot of other stuff, but that sticks.

She decides she wants to win-- she knew it when she got up out of the bathtub, let Jordan hold her. Now she just has to fight.

#i feel like this is all over the place #but important #bio #ft.dallon #tw:anorexia #tw:bulimia #tw:self harm #tw:mention of suicide #tw:depression

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