#which feels like it says a lot about how I feel about language policing without context

[seeminglyseph]

9 times out of 10 I’m gonna fuck up and pronounce it “Massive Two Shits” instead of “Massachusetts” and I am very sorry.

My mouth doesn’t do enunciation too good and you require me to pronounce all of the letters very specifically.

#for the record half my family is Eastern European so like my pronunciation skills are a problem everywhere #though the ‘settled communities geeeations ago’ and like ‘the Ukrainians and Polish bonded with the local Indigenous peopl’ #means that those three getting together are responsible for what my English sounds like today #(for the record a lot of Eastern European settlers in Canada were running from Russia. so. very little has changed.) #there’s also the Germans who probably did not help make the already rural accent sound like ‘Good Respectable English’ #I said once ‘you might not place it. people from here do their best not to sound like it once they leave.’ #which feels like it says a lot about how I feel about language policing without context #sometimes words mean different things for different people ‘cause their slang comes from different root languages #gotch are fun because it’s such a common phrase I know but it’s based in Ukrainian and a bunch of Eastern Canadians were talking shit #like that it wasn’t a real thing until I pointed out it was pronounced more like ‘gitch’ and is probably from Weatern Canada more #‘cause more Ukrainian settlers in western Canadian history. #accents. are fuckin weird

[hellowearerats]

Dehumanization is wrong. And it's happening a LOT regarding Palestinians, both from people in power and regular people who feel strongly about the situation.

Unfortunately, I'm seeing a lot of responses to that dehumanization with... Dehumanization. And personally, I don't think there's any reason to do that. 1) I think it's wrong. 2) I think it doesn't help or achieve anything useful.

Some people might say, "but it's different! If they're willing to do that, then they're terrible and deserve that because what person could think like that?!" To which, I guess, my answer would be... I think it's very human.

We like to separate ourselves from behavior we're disgusted by... To say, "I wouldn't be like that!" That's why we dehumanize. "That could never be me!" But I think the very nature of being human is messy, and complex, and beautiful, and ugly. And the weird thing is sometimes all those things coexist within one package of a person.

Being human isn't this morally pure, wonderous thing. Ugly, horrific acts are very much human.

I don't know. I've been thinking about this a lot. Please. Let's not go this route. Isn't this how it starts? Dehumanizing others is how we start down the path of being willing to treat people in ways we would otherwise not, if we saw their humanity. 🙏

(I am not saying that anger and frustration or reactions are not justified. But I think the way that shows up makes a difference. One can express their anger at the way people view and speak about this situation without it going into dehumanizing others. This is just my personal feeling on it and where I currently stand on it. I tried to specify that it's my current position because I know I am always growing and changing and my mind may change in the future. But I feel like one can express their anger at someone without it being dehumanizing language.)

((I am also not saying this in a way to tone police victims of the issues at hand.))

#hellowearerats #hello we are rats #comic #free palestine

[notaplaceofhonour]

One of the experiences that really highlighted to me how willing the left can be to turn a blind eye to and gaslight Jews about antisemitism was trying to talk about Michael Jackson’s antisemitism, such as in the song “They Don’t Care About Us”, which was released with the lyrics:

“Jew me, sue me, everybody do me / Kick me, kike me, don't you black or white me.”

I feel like that is shockingly straightforward with how antisemitic it is, both in its specific language (the K-slur & Jew-as-a-verb) and its conspiratorial bent in the context of the whole song. But when it came out and Jews were obviously appalled and spoke out about it, MJ made the standard “but have you considered that accusing me of bigotry offends me?” and “I was taken out of context!” statements that bigots make when they get called out on their bigotry.

As for MJ’s claim that he was taken out of context, here is some context: In 1993, MJ’s relationship with the press deteriorated when they began covering allegations of his child sex abuse. In the midst of this, tabloids ran a lot of scummy, sensationalized headlines—ruthlessly mocking his appearance and eccentricities and even running entirely false stories. This marked a drastic shift in MJ’s lyrics, which began to focus heavily on his victimhood (both real and perceived, often conflating both and tying them to broader social issues), with many of the songs on the next album HIStory (1995) being about this. “They Don’t Care About Us” is on this album. In 2003, there were revelations that Michael Jackson had grown close with members of Nation of Islam (a fringe and antisemitic hate group), and in 2005, Good Morning America aired a phone recording of Michael Jackson calling Jews “leeches”, claiming Jews had targeted him for his wealth, and saying “It’s a conspiracy. Jews do it on purpose”.

This is the context of Michael Jackson singing about being a stand-in for the victims of all kinds of real world oppression like racism and police brutality, and then saying he was being “Jewed” and “kiked”. It came out that he was molesting little kids, and rather than face the music, he tried to dodge responsibility by conflating those allegations with racism and the gross, sensationalist bullshit that tabloids were running on him; he wove all these things together in a narrative that he could use to wrap himself up in victimhood & conspiracy to position himself as not just a martyr, but the very archetype of martyrdom so that the world could, as he sang on the same album in his cover of John Lennon’s song, “Come together, over me.”

The lyrics were later changed to replace “Jew” & “kike” with abstract noise that drowned out the words or repetitions of “sue” & “strike”. But even so, this is still a song, not truly about inequality and injustice, but using inequality and injustice to shield a child molester from responsibility. And the fact that “Jew” can so easily be replaced with “sue”, not simply in sound but in meaning, without disrupting the narrative and tone of the song, belies the fact that Michael Jackson believed himself to be a victim of some sort of conspiracy between “(((The Media)))” and greedy Jewish lawyers.

And yet, trying to talk about this to this day, even with the benefit of hindsight, when it’s pretty well-accepted that MJ was in fact a child molester and knowing what he said about Jews after this song came out, it is next to impossible to get people to see the antisemitism in him tying together all oppression in the world as him being “Jewed” and “kiked” by (((The System)))—even when he literally says “Jew”, even when he says the K-slur, even when he refers to Jews as blood-suckers, even when he literally says Jews are conspiring against him. When people started using the song as part of the George Floyd protests, and I was like “hey, maybe that’s not a great idea” and gently tried to explain this context, I was ignored, told it didn’t matter because the song was about inequality, told Black people have every right to distrust Jews “because Jews are White” and stabbed Black people in the back by embracing Whiteness, etc. etc.

I think that is one of the times that really started to make it clear to me, “oh, yeah no, leftists can be staring straight at a K-slur in the mouth of a known sex offender and still say it’s fine”—something leftists generally would not do for any other vulnerable minority. It still astounds me.

#antisemitism #michael jackson #they don’t care about us #leftwing antisemitism #leftist antisemitism #k slur #jumblr #blm #mj #Leaving Neverland #blood libel

[drdemonprince]

I'm a trans guy and tbh I feel like I don't fully understand the transandrophobia debate. Based on my understanding of intersectionality & transfeminism, I think that trans men (largely) experience transphobia and misogyny, while trans women (largely) experience transphobia, misogyny, *and* transmisogyny -- I also think it's necessary to discuss issues that specifically affect men without describing them as forms of oppression or discrimination against men. But that's just accounting for intersecting identities (including both marginalized and privileged identities) rather than only accounting for intersecting oppressions, right? I feel like some people using the term "transandrophobia" either seem to be confusing these two concepts or mistaking gender essentialism for discrimination against men (though some just use it to describe a subset of transphobia rather than an intersection, it seems like). In any case, even though misandry isn't a real systemic issue, I can understand why some people feel like there's missing language or frameworks when it comes to discussing the ways men, and trans men specifically, are treated (and the ways they/we treat each other). I'm not sure what better alternatives are available, but I'm sure some are possible. I'm wondering if I'm misunderstanding something or if you have any other thoughts on this. Thanks!

It sounds like you understand this 1000% better than every sincere transandrophobia poster. Not every unique experience is a locus of oppression that needs a systemic oppression label -- but yeah, of course, it merits being talked about.

For example, lots of trans men have a hard time in coping with the shift from being treated with emotional deference and warmth by strangers, to suddenly being treated quite coldly or even in a mistrustful way by strangers. That is a real, painful experience -- and it's one that is wrapped up in damaging gender norms that do also negatively affect cis men. It's not androphobia, but it is a consequence of sexism and the gender binary that sucks, and it merits speaking about.

Where things get dicey and fucked up is when men (either cis or trans) take a painful experience like that and declare that it means they're actually more oppressed than women.

(And, as Lee ButchAnarchist often points out, women's emotions are even more policed than men -- yes men are denied tenderness and warmth from total strangers, but they are showered in affection and caretaking by the women close to them, and they are allowed rage a whole lot more than women, in general. so it's overly simplistic and sexist to say men are more societally emotionally repressed. this dynamic plays out among trans men too -- we are given a lot more latitude to be emotionally explosive. trans women, meanwhile, are told they're being "scary" if they have any negative emotion. This is all also racialized -- Black people of any gender are basically never afforded the chance to voice negative feelings in public no matter how much they police their tone.)

I think a lot of trans masc people have a sudden rude awakening that being treated as a man can be painful and complicated, and that the gender binary harms everyone, and that there is a social price to pay for the privileges of being deferred to, respected, and so on. They also don't want to acknowledge when they are being respected and deferred to -- owning up to having any male privilege feels dirty and wrong to people, which is silly because it's just a reality, it has no moral bearing on the person experiencing the privilege. And of course it's often an incomplete privilege because of sexism and transphobia. But it still happens. Particularly within trans spaces.

I don't think this conversation will move forward productively until more trans men are capable of acknowledging that many of us have privilege and that we are very capable of hurting other people, being sexist, and speaking over trans women. And that's why we gotta make this transandrophobia stuff just completely socially unacceptable in our spaces. It is exactly the same as being a Men's Rights Activist. There are real men's liberation issues! Any worthwhile feminism will also liberate men! There are lots of aspects of the gender binary and patriarchy that are harmful to men, and that's worth talking about. Same with transphobia. But we can't have that conversation when men commandeer it to talk about how actually women have it better and all that vile shit. That talk is used to silence women, trans and cis alike.

[idv-sunsxin3]

Pavia, Horropedia, Diggers // Bites as Love Language

Note// when you happen to bite as a gesture of affection, and you mostly do that on your boyfriend-...Also guys don't get me wrong, some of you want to bite them, too-*gets bonked*

___

You were not certain why you like biting your loved ones, and especially your man Pavia- probably they were so loveable to the point you just want to chomp on them without needing to communicate-

or because you wanna claim them as yours. Lol

I guess is just your way to show affection.

nonetheless, the time you first bit him not so hard by the arm, the freaking boy bites you back....- but harder.

....crap, you just helped him discover a new habit. Congrats.

"Mmm... Such tender skin~"

...And your arm bled.

He helped you patch you up though, kinda...

Not the type who would say sorry in the spot, but he kisses the spot where it hurts before buying you Gelato to make up for it. He doesn't seem to regret it though, by the fact he keeps rubbing where he bit you with a proud smirk---

He finds your bites endearing, having the believe that he shows it better if he bites harder;;; <//3

You gotta control this feral wolf, bestie- how can you get to give him love bites if he keeps making you bleed through his teeth 😭🫠

Of course, you can bite hard on him. He likes that too. But you still won't be spared;;;

Oh, right, the silent treatment you get. Bad puppy. (lol)

It won't amuse him though, so he'll keep annoying the heck out of you until he gets what he wants; which is your attention.

He probably would have been mad about someone biting his cheek if they're not you- he just happens to have this tiny but unstable amount of patience whenever you do;;; otherwise, he'll trap you in his arms tightly and never leave you do anything else until you say sorry;;; like what do you mean, man- what about you hhhh- 😭

He doesn't care about hiding the marks that you make on him though, he is shameless and mad proud enough to flex them on anyone around him,,,, he even gives you the hard time for you to hide the marks on you if you’re not the type to attract attention,,,

Besides biting you, he often gives you teasing kisses on the cheeks or on the shoulder in response to your random love bites. He can be a loving goof when he wants to, no objections/ih

_

Sometimes... you can't help, but find your boyfriend quite mesmerizing. Not just listening to his honeyed-voice ramble whatever he desires, but also the way he sparkles while at it- He seems old-school... But your type of old-school <333

"when a series of bizarre murders occur on the outskirts of the fictional Midwestern town of Raccoon City, the Raccoon City Police Department's S.T.A.R.S. team are assigned to investigate." He rambles on as you doze off, your gaze slowly shufting from his eyes to his neck.

"After contact with Bravo Team is lost, Alpha Team is sent to investigate their disappeara- A... Ah?!"

He feels a small sharp feeling on the back of his neck.

He flinches as he gasps, before turning around to give you a confused look. One big flustered, confused look.

Horropedia scolds you, his ears start to grow a red hue while brushing his fingers on the sore part.

"H-Hey, don't just do that behind me! That's weird...!"

It really caught him off guard yet seems to have brushed it off minutes later when the bite suddenly reminded him of one scene from the horror game...- (help-)

..However, when the night comes, he'd be wide awake thinking about what you did. His thoughts just running wild as he contemplates, still remembering the feeling of your bite on his neck;;;

His brain be braining but also not braining for awhile;;;

At this point, he eventually doesn't seem to mind- he starts to seem to feel pleasant about it, especially if they're just soft bites.

He can't help but get a bit nervous when you do that because it's usually the times when he's not even mentally prepared sbshsn- he'll have these different shades of red on his cheeks, lots of sweating, and lots of occasional glances at everywhere but you to see if there some kind of killer about to jump on you both like in those horror movies---

If anyone ever asks why there are bites on his arms or neck- or even on his face... He'll jokingly answered he got kissed by a vampire, and it went wrong;;;😭/ih

He's not the type to bite, he would push away if it's not the right time at first- until he realizes it's just one of the ways you show this special affection for him, and that makes him feel a bit better so he eventually let them slide... sometimes- it takes a while to get used to it for him hhhh-,,

He would end up either giving you headpats as you do your silly biting sessions or occasionally just pull you close with him in one arm and starts messing your hair playfully;;; of course, all the silliness ends with one kiss on the nose <33

_

Diggers would most likely let out a shriek or a gasp the moment you bite him-

Oh, how his reactions tend to get escalated at first;;;

Once in a scenario, you two were having their moment alone. It started with one kiss on his cheek, then two kisses on his lips, then one long kiss-

and then one very long kiss to the point you were now pinning Diggers on the ground as he was holding on to you closer.

You then started planting cute kisses on his chin and neck, making him muffled some giggles by the ticklish feeling-🥺

...Until you started nibbling and biting him softly.

"E- Y/N????" He squeak in an embarrassed tone as he shivers in his own grip.

Whenever you bite him, he tends to get so confused- He would be starting to feel less sober than usual every second while you keep biting him.

It wasn't exactly a negative reaction, he was just very surprised---

Not to mention, you keep doing this to him pretty often after that- preferably behind close doors.

Diggers, at this point, will get high and addicted to your soft bites. Weirdly and silly, they're sometimes used by him as inspiration- even giving him some spark of motivation whenever you stub a bite on his wrist--

He would have a more passive approach while finding himself covering you more with his kisses. He would still peacefully yawn as he has his arm around you. Cuddling while you do it.

Slowly, he eventually gets used to your affectionate gesture that his reaction will start to gradually seem to become a bit calmer.

He wouldn't flinch nor pull away if you lightly bite his lip. But he'll surely shiver again as the sensation is overwhelmingly good.

Yet- He honestly can't bring himself to bite you back as he doesn't want to do any form of harm to you- So he can't speak your love language, "i'm sorry, my muse,,, 😭🥺" he would say;;;

Nonetheless, he won't stop give you kisses and the occasional nose booping... your touch is all the same intoxicating. <33

#reverse: 1999 x reader #reverse: 1999 #reverse 1999 #r1999 #r1999 x reader #horropedia x reader #horropedia #r1999 horropedia #pavia x reader #r1999 pavia #diggers x reader #r1999 diggers #reverse 1999 diggers #pavia reverse 1999

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for defending my friend lying about his dog dying?

Cw for animal abuse and Is ableist language (using sociopath as synonym for bad person)

I was in a friend group of three. Me (24f) my best friend since age 7 (24m) and we have a mutual friend he met in college when he moved away and has known for a little over a year (23f). Callin' them Liam and Rory for ease. Liam had an Esa (not a service dog, an esa). His whole life has revolved around this dog since we were 16 and he moved away. He keeps a very strict schedule with this dog. We are all aware of it because he will leave group chats mid conversation to make sure "Buddy" gets walked or fed or whatever time it is. He takes really good care of this dog and hand-makes its meals and takes it to the vet every 2 months.

Few weeks ago he was acting weird but trying to cover it up. I had been meaning to ask what was going on more privately but I kinda dropped the ball because my aunt died suddenly.

Flash to a week ago Rory sent a huge wall of text to our group chat calling Liam a barrage of names like "sociopath". It turns out that his dog died but he'd been acting like everything was the same which is why he seemed off. She found out when she came onto his property to check on him and he had to "confess."

Shes upset at him for lying but I knew there was more going on. So I talked to him about it privately over the phone and he just shattered. He had no idea what to do or say because he thinks his dad killed Buddy but he doesn't have direct proof. I had never heard him cry before this, because he was raised to really keep that stuff close to his chest. He's tried to open up to me over the years but it's visibly difficult for him especially with how his father still treats him. I believe him because if he truly wanted to manipulate me I still do not think he would have let me see that. He kept apologizing and sounding really lost and ashamed so I really don't think it was an act, you can't fake that kind of helpless abused kid feeling.

I forgave him for keeping it from me because it was obvious he was going to tell us once he processed the situation because that's a lot to say the least. I explained what happened to Rory and said sure maybe it wasn't 100% in the right but he was obviously expiercing trauma and him acting like everything was fine wasn't about hurting us, and we knew something was wrong but didn't ask, she thinks he's trolling for sympathy and that if I forgive him it tells her everything she needs to know about what kind of person I am. And says if he really thinks he dad killed his dog he would have called the police.

There are several reasons he shouldn't call the police one being that his dad has always treated Laim really badly but we never thought he would kill a dog and my friend has to live with him because he's a broke college student. She said he should have figured that out on his own but instead he manipulated us and is now trying to make us feel bad that he got caught.

I also feel like he was in danger from his dad and if he told us Buddy was gone he'd have to say why and then he'd be lying to us anyway until he figured out what the hell happened or if it was safe to tell us. We don't have enough information so I just don't think it's fair to totally write him off as a bad person over what is obviously and extremely traumatic situation? Without even talking to him? She found out Buddy was dead, left and refused to speak to him before announcing her departure from the group and blocked him on everything and basically made me choose between her or him.

I told her that was a really heartless take and that she's over reacting and she told me if I wanted to be best friends with a sociopath that was none of her buisness but she wanted nothing to do with either us because I'm just as bad as him if I don't agree with her so she doesnt loose anything by cutting me off.

She really made me feel like I was helping Liam hide a body. So I'm wondering if she's right. I don't think I'll change my mind, I won't abandon him but I am willing to admit I was wrong if I am.

Am I the assshole for sticking by him?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[sourwolf-sterek32]

Serve & Protect

Summary: You moved to the small quiet town of Hawkins after transferring from the NYPD and reunite with your old partner, Jim Hopper. However, Hawkins isn't as quiet as it seems, and your past follows you there.

Pairing: Jim Hopper x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: Language, violence, past abuse

Chapter 1- paperwork, coffee & rotten pumpkins

Transferring from the NYPD to Hawkins PD had been drastic. You went from getting paid as a detective working homicide in the big city to working in a small country town as a Deputy on half the wage.

Your co-workers at Hawkins thought you were crazy for it, but they didn't know why you moved. They didn't know the reason behind the sudden shift across the country and you sure as hell weren't going to tell them.

It wasn't all bad though.

You and Hopper used to be partners back in New York in the homicide unit, until he moved away after his daughter died. It sucked when he left town, but you understood why he left, especially after him and his wife got divorced.

However, that understanding didn't make it any easier without him, especially when the boss introduced you to your new work partner a week later and he was a total dick.

"Have I ever told you guys about how much I hate paperwork?" Callahan asked, looking over at you and Powell across the room.

"I think you've said it nearly every day since I started working here." You answered, rubbing your face with your hands trying to wake yourself up as you stared down at the stack of files on your desk.

He was right though, paperwork did suck.

"Try every day for the last three years. It gets annoying, trust me." Powell mumbled, his head down busy working.

Callahan rolled his eyes, and you covered up your laugh with a cough while looking between the two men in amusement.

It had been a couple of weeks since you first stepped foot in Hawkins after leaving the busy city streets of New York behind. You had expected to feel like an outcast at the station. The other officers had all grown up together in this small town. Some had even been in the same courses at the Police Academy. They all had chemistry and strong connections to one another, and they were all men.

From experience, male Police Officers tended to dislike female colleagues, however, your new fellow Deputies had welcomed you with open arms. They were all friendly and treated you like an equal which was more than what any of your old work colleagues had done back in New York.

It shouldn't have been a surprise though because Jim Hopper wouldn't let any discrimination or hate slide when it came to you.

He had your back in New York and stood up for you when no one else would. Even after all these years, nothing had changed.

The Chief had put you on the same shift rotation as Powell and Callahan since your first day. The two Deputies had taken you under their wing without hesitation.

Calvin Powell was an older yet brilliant deputy. He was stern and tough when it came to the law, and was serious about his job, but was always up for a good laugh. He had taught you a lot in your short time with Hawkins PD and was always happy to answer any questions you had.

Phil Callahan was the exact opposite.

He was the jokester of the station and although he was always cracking jokes and acting some would say, childish, he was a damn good deputy. He was constantly the first one out the door whenever a job came up and was always ready to help with anything.

"This isn't a laughing matter, Jim. This is serious."

You looked up from your paperwork at the unfamiliar voice to find Hopper walking into the station followed by a balding guy with a beard who you had never seen before.

Hopper groaned dramatically at the stranger's words and hung his coat up on the rack by the front door.

Well, whoever that guy was, the Chief did not like him.

"I really got something here. I'm telling you." The guy insisted.

"Morning, Chief." Powell greeted, actually looking up from his desk as he spoke before he spotted the other guy and grinned, "morning, Murray."

"Got any proof on your butt probin' aliens yet, Murray?" Callahan asked causing your head to snap towards him.

"What? Who the hell is this guy?" You asked.

"Murray Bauman. Used to be an Investigative Journalist in Hawkins, now he's some kind of Private Investigator, but he believes all these weird conspiracy theories and stuff." Callahan whispered, leaning over your joined desks towards you as he spoke.

"That sounds... interesting." You answered, choosing your words carefully.

You looked back over at Murray just as Hopper grabbed one of the donuts from the bench, but Flo was hot on his tail and snatched the glazed donut from his hand and replaced it with an apple.

Hopper glared at her, and you tried not to laugh at the annoyed look on his face, but he accepted the fruit anyway and took a bite out of it.

"I believe there was, and may still be, a Russian spy presence in Hawkins." Murray continued to say.

"Russian spies?" Hopper asked, amusement clear in his voice as he began pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Are the spies in cahoots with the aliens? Or how do they fit in here? I'm confused." Callahan commented causing you to snort softly.

Hopper just smirked and filled up another mug of coffee before grabbing both and walking over to your desk, placing the second mug down in front of you.

You smiled, "thank you. I needed this."

"I could tell. You look tired."

"Just what every girl wants to hear." You mumbled into the coffee cup as you took a sip and sighed at the warm taste of caffeine.

"I'm talking multiple reports now." Murray continued to say, his voice raised a little louder. "Multiple reports, okay? Of a Russian child in Hawkins."

"A child? What are you talking about?" Hopper questioned, now suddenly interested in what this man had to say.

"A girl who may have psionic abilities."

"'Psionic'?" Powell asked in confusion.

"Psychic." Murray corrected.

"Hey Chief. What about that girl that made that kid pee himself?" Callahan asked and okay, what? Now you had questions.

"It was just a prank." Hopper answered, dismissing his Deputy quickly before turning to Murray. "You got five minutes. Not a second more."

You watched as Hopper led Murray across the room into his own private office, closing the door behind him. You glanced over at Callahan and Powell who both shrugged their shoulders and went back to work, like it was normal for a man to walk in and start talking about Russian spies and kids with powers. Maybe it was normal for Hawkins.

Within 60 seconds, the Chief's door opened and a rather pissed off looking Murray stepped out. He spared one glance at the rest of you before he turned and walked out the station before Hopper emerged from his office.

"Who wants to get out the office for a bit? We got a job."

"Me!" You and Callahan both quickly said at the same time.

Hopper looked between the two of you, "Y/N, let's go."

"Oh, come on!" Callahan whined. "You always choose her."

"Maybe I like her better than you. Ya ever think about that?" Hopper asked, grabbing his jacket from the rack, and slipping it on.

"We all know why you like her." Callahan mumbled under his breath causing Powell to kick his feet under the desk.

You looked between the two of them suspiciously, Hopper just bluntly ignoring them before you chugged the last of your coffee and followed the Chief out the station.

You jumped into the passenger seat of his Chevy Blazer, instantly reaching for the dial of the heater and cranking it up as Hopper reversed out the parking lot.

"So, what's the job?"

"Pumpkins that have been contaminated by a vengeful neighbour." He answered causing you to look over at him in disbelief.

"You're shitting me, right? Pumpkins?"

He chuckled softly, "I shit you not."

"How'd I go from investigating murders to investigating pumpkins?" You asked aloud causing him to laugh.

"You're the one who put in your transfer to Hawkins. This is on you." He reminded.

Yeah, that was true.

You nodded, knowing he was right, and you glanced out the window as Hopper drove, the faint music from the radio filling the silence.

"Why did you transfer here? Not that I'm complaining, I just... I thought you loved it in New York."

This wasn't the first time he had asked. Hell, it wasn't even the second, but you kept dodging the question.

"Just needed a fresh start. A change of scenery I guess." You answered, which wasn't a total lie.

You could feel Hopper staring at you out the corner of your eye, but you kept your head forward, knowing if you looked at him, he would be able to see straight through you. After all those years working together, you had gotten to know each other really well, to the point where you knew when the other was lying.

Hopper just hummed in response, despite knowing there was more to the story, but to your relief, he didn't try to pry, and you were grateful for that.

It didn't take long to reach the small pumpkin farm on the outskirts of Hawkins. If you were being honest, you forgot these kinds of farms existed. But of course, they did, you just never really thought about it until now.

The farmer was adamant that his neighbour had poisoned his crops. Stating that the pumpkins were perfectly fine yesterday, but when he woke up this morning, they were rotten.

After inspecting the large fields of pumpkins, every single vegetable was in fact rotten and Hopper told him that he was going to look into it before you both climbed back into the car.

"There is no way these pumpkins turned rotten like that overnight." You said, the second your car door was shut. "What do you think happened?"

"I honestly have no idea. It's been cold, maybe frost got to them."

"Good theory. Try telling that to him though." You said, nodding at the farmer who was still standing by his ruined crop.

Hopper grunted, "he can accept whatever I tell him."

He turned the key in the ignition, bringing the old Chevy to life with a roar before tapping it into gear and driving back down the dirt road to Hawkins.

Instead of going back to the station like you assumed he would have, Hopper instead pulled up to the diner on main street and before you knew it, the two of you were sitting inside and eating breakfast.

"I missed this." You found yourself saying before thinking better of it.

Hopper looked up at you from across the booth, his fork halfway to his mouth, "missed pancakes?" he asked in confusion.

"No." You chuckled, shaking your head. "No, I missed this. Us. Working together. It feels like old times."

Back in New York, you were the first woman to join the homicide unit. All the guys hated it. They didn't believe a girl could do the job as well as men and they despised you for it. They all treated you like garbage despite the fact that you were better than half the team, but they still hated you, except for Hopper.

He was the only one who treated you like a normal person. At first, he was a little apprehensive, but that was because he had been used to working solo and wasn't expecting the Superintendent to suddenly give him a partner, especially not some random chick he had never met before.

The two of you had hit it off straight away though. You didn't take any of his crap and he respected that, and you made quite a team.

"Ah, yes. Because we used to deal with crime scenes of rotten pumpkins and eat in diners all the time back in New York." He said sarcastically, snapping you out of your thoughts.

"Well, if you replace pumpkins with dead bodies. The farmer with a serial killer and these pancakes in this diner for a packet of candy in the stakeout van, then yes."

Hopper snorted, taking another bite of his pancakes as he shook his head with a smile.

"I missed working with you too." He admitted once he finished his mouthful. "I still can't believe you transferred here though."

"I'm starting to regret it after that thrilling morning on the farm." You joked, but Hopper shook his head.

"Nah, you don't. You'd miss me too much if you left Hawkins."

Yeah, you would.

"In your dreams." You said instead because like hell you were going to admit that.

You liked Hopper. You even had a crush on him back in New York when you first joined, but after finding out that he was married with a kid, you quickly pushed your feelings aside and the two of you became best friends.

"You seeing anyone?" He randomly asked causing you to nearly choke on your coffee.

"What?" You asked, covering your mouth as you coughed.

"Are you seeing anyone? You got a boyfriend or anything?" He clarified.

"Oh, no, no. I'm single." You answered, shrugging your shoulders hoping it looked casual. "What about you? Have you found someone in this town to settle down with?"

Hopper opened his mouth to answer before his eyes widened like he just realised something, and he quickly rolled up his sleeve to look at his watch.

"Shit. Shit. I was meant to meet Joyce at the lab ten minutes ago."

Joyce? Who was Joyce?

"I need to go. I'll drop you off on my way." He said, throwing down some money on the table and eating his last pancake before the two of you left the diner and climbed back into the car.

"Hawkins lab?" You asked, looking over at him as he pulled out the parking lot and sped in the direction of the station. "What's at Hawkins lab that's so important?"

"Nothing. It's nothing important. Just promised Joyce I'd help her out with something." He dismissed, not going into any detail.

You wanted to push for an answer but decided against it. He would tell you if he wanted to and frankly, it wasn't any of your business, but you couldn't help but feel a little sad hearing about Joyce.

Was she his girlfriend? He never did answer your question earlier.

Hopper dropped you off back at the station and the rest of your shift was mainly just sitting behind the desk doing paperwork, until an old lady called about a noise complained, so you went out with Powell and Callahan to deal with that.

The day went by surprisingly quickly and before you knew it, you were standing back in that pumpkin crop the following day with Hopper because now it wasn't just one person's crop that had turned rotten. It was several.

"Now, you try telling me with a straight face that cold did this." The farmer said, pointing at his destroyed crop.

Yeah, he had a point.

Frost might have gotten some of the pumpkins, but not this many and this quickly. Plus, for October, it hadn't been super cold yet, so it didn't make any sense.

"How far does it go?" You asked curiously, wondering if whatever was destroying the pumpkins was hurting other plant life in the area.

The farmer just motioned for the two of you to follow him as he walked towards the woods by the boundary line of his crop and your jaw dropped when you realised that the trees and bushes on the edge of the woods had turned rotten too.

Okay, this was definitely not the cold. What the hell did all this?

"What the fuck?" You whispered to yourself, lifting your hand, and touching the rotten tree trunk to find this gooey slimy substance all over it.

Hopper appeared beside you and quickly grabbed your wrist, pulling your hand away from the slime.

"Hey, Chief, you copy?" Powell's voice called over the radio.

Hopper grabbed his radio from his belt and held it to his mouth. "How's it looking over there?"

"Like a giant pissed all over Jack's bean field. Smells, too. It smell over there?"

"Where doesn't it smell?" You questioned, grimacing at the gross rotten stench that covered the entire farm.

You'd nearly rather the stench from old dead bodies than this... okay, no, that's a lie. There was nothing that smelt worse than that, but this was a close second.

"Yeah, little bit. Listen. I want you guys to track the rot, see how far it goes. Just, uh, mark anything that's dead." Hopper instructed through the radio.

"That's gonna take some time." Powell pointed out.

"So take it. And look, we don't know what caused this. Could be poison. So don't touch anything without gloves." He ordered, pointily staring at you with the last sentence and you gave him a guilty look.

"Copy that, Chief."

He slipped the radio back into the pouch on his belt before turning towards you with a questioning look, "you good to work some overtime?"

"I got no plans tonight. Let's get started." You said and Hopper nodded his appreciation before the two of you got to work.

The farmer had supplied marker flags, so you and Hopper spent the next few hours walking through the woods and placing a flag by everything rotten while Powell and Callahan did the same at the other farm.

By nightfall, it was finally finished, and Hopper gave you all permission to start late tomorrow morning so you could actually get a decent night's sleep.

"I have to basically drive past your house to get home, want a lift?" He asked, climbing into the Chevy.

"My truck is at the station. I won't be able to-"

"I can pick you up in the morning."

You nodded, "that would work. Thank you."

You climbed into the passenger side of his car before Hopper started the Chevy and began to drive away. He barely got a few metres down the dirt driveway before he suddenly slammed on the brakes and put the car into reverse.

"What are you doing?" You asked, figuring he must have forgotten something.

He didn't answer though, instead he rolled down his window and stuck his head out and called out to the little kid walking towards the farmhouse, his Halloween outfit on and bucket full of candy in his hand.

"Hey, kid. Give me some of that candy, would you?"

"No way." The boy answered and you saw that coming from a mile away.

Kids cherished their Halloween candy. But why did Hopper want some?

"Alright, how about now?" He asked, pulling out a couple dollar bills from his wallet.

The kid hesitated a little before nodding in agreement and jogging up to the car, taking the money and handing over his bucket of candy. You just watched, assuming Hopper would explain why he needed the candy, but he didn't say a single word before he tapped the car into gear and continued to drive.

"Umm, is there a reason you bribed the kid for his candy?" You asked curiously.

"Forgot it was Halloween, I don't have any at home. Wanted to be prepared in case any kids came trick or treating to my front door."

You glanced over at the clock on the dash which indicated that it was nearly midnight, and you raised your eyebrows, "how many kids do you think will be trick or treating at this time of night?"

Hopper glanced over at the clock and seemed surprised by how late it was but shrugged his shoulders.

"Can never be too prepared."

Guess he had a fair point. But you didn't plan on getting any candy. You planned on going straight to bed and if anyone knocked on your door for trick or treating at this time of night, you were not answering it.

"What's your address?" Hopper asked a few seconds later, turning out onto the main road.

"Thought you said my house was on the way to yours. Don't you know it?"

Hopper didn't say anything for a moment, "I lied. I have no idea where you live."

"Why?"

"Because you haven't told me your address."

"No, I meant why did you lie? I could have driven home myself, you know?"

He sighed, rubbing his face with his free hand, "maybe I wanted to spend more time with you."

Your heart fluttered at his words, and you couldn't stop yourself from smiling.

"Aww, you really did miss me all these years, didn't you? That's sweet." You responded in a teasing tone as you leant over and nudged his arm with your elbow.

"I hate you." He muttered, but the small smile on his face told you how untrue those words really were.

"You love me."

"Love is a real strong word. More like tolerate."

"Ouch." You said, resting your hand over your heart dramatically causing Hopper to stifle a laugh as he shook his head at you.

"But, seriously, where do you live because I have no idea where I'm driving."

"Oh, take the next two lefts and I'm number 32." You answered.

Within a couple of minutes, he was pulling up in front of your house and you climbed out the car, pausing as you held the door open.

"What time will you pick me up in the morning? Just so I'm awake and ready."

"I'll swing by around nine." He answered and you nodded, about to close the door before he continued talking. "Oh, and Y/N? Stay out of the woods, okay?"

You frowned a little but nodded, "wasn't planning on going for a stroll through the woods, but alright."

He nodded and you gave him a friendly wave before closing the door and watching him drive off.

You made your way inside the house kicking off your muddy boots by the door and making a mental note to clean them in the morning. You dumped your duty belt on the back of the couch before noticing there was a little red light flashing on your answering machine.

Who had tried to call you?

You didn't keep in touch with anyone from New York and the only people you knew in Hawkins were the ones you were with today. So, who was it?

Pressing the play button, you made your way to the kitchen to grab a glass of water but froze in the doorway when the voice spoke through the machine.

A sickening wave of terror welled in your stomach. Your body grew tense to the point of shaking as you grabbed hold of the wall listening to the voice you had hoped to never hear again.

"You think moving to Hawkins will save you? It won't. I'll be seeing you again real soon, sugar."

Blood drained from your skin and breath caught in your throat as you slowly slid down against the wall and sat on the carpet. You buried your face into your hands trying to remember how to breathe as you thought back to the last time you heard that voice... the voice who was the reason for your transfer to Hawkins.

-

Next Chapter

A/N: Why did I write this? Well, I wanted to read a Hopper x Reader fanfic that consisted of more than 1 chapter and wasn't just pure smut with no plot… however, upon scrolling through AO3 I discovered that is hard to find. So, I wrote my own.

I know this chapter was a little heavy in dialogue which I'm not happy with but bear with me for the first few chapters because I promise it gets better. 

Thank you for those that are reading this new story. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below! The next chapter will be posted within the next few days but until then, stay safe everyone and have a great day xx

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[secretswiftymarvelfan]

Burnin’ Up - Firefighter!Chris AU (Part 18: Moving On and Up)

Summary: While you continue to recover and move on, Chris has one last demon to face. 

Word Count: 9.9k

Warnings: Angst! Fluff! Language! SMUT! 18+ ONLY! MINORS DNI!

Dividers by @firefly-graphics​​

Meet the Characters!

Series Masterlist / Masterlist

Chapter 18: Moving On and Up

You had been attending therapy twice a week now for three weeks and despite how against it you were in the beginning you were so glad Chris had convinced you to give it a shot. Each session left you feeling emotionally raw and exhausted but after each session Chris would be there to wrap his arms around you and help nurse you through your emotional hangover.

You’d began to open up to him too, telling him more stories from your childhood. He would try his best not to let his anger show but you’d remind him that it was okay for him to get angry. You were angry too and it felt nice to know he was that protective over you.

On the days Chris had to work, Ben would visit if he could. The pair of you would sit down on the couch together and stick on a film or two only to pay very little attention to it as you talked about pretty much anything. He would tell you about Matt and the fun they had been getting up to together, you’d tell him how you were doing, he’d then apologise for not saying anything about your father sooner, you’d tell him that he’d had nothing to apologise for and that you understood why.

He'd asked you when you thought you might return to work but you just didn’t have an answer. When he would tell you about the cases he was working on you felt envious, you didn’t like that you were missing out on the action but you just didn’t feel like you could just walk back into work right now. you weren’t sure where you stood with policing anymore.

“is there anything bothering you that you want to discuss during our session today?” Sally asks pulling you from your thoughts.

“Hm?” you hum glancing up from the sleeping pup that was currently curled up in your lap “I uh I dunno really” you admit with a small shrug of your shoulders.

“has anything been playing on your mind?” she continues.

You nibbled your lower lip, nodding your head as you looked down at the puppy in your lap, its silky golden fur calming you as you stroked it “I guess I’ve been thinking about work a bit recently” you confess.

Sally nods her head gently “Okay, what about it?” she questions.

“well Benny has been visiting me whenever he can, keeping me company while Chris is on shift and we’ve started talking more about what he’s been up to and the cases he’s worked on” you explain.

“Okay, and how have you felt discussing work again?” she asks you.

You give her another small shrug of the shoulders “Fine I guess, you know it's been nice and it felt almost normal because a lot of time we are talking and discussing the cases we’re working on but…” you say trailing off at the end.

“this time he’s working them without you and you feel like you’re missing out” Sally finishes for you, you let out a long and deep sigh, nodding your head in confirmation “Have you thought about returning to work?” she then asks

“a little but… I just don’t think I’m ready yet” you admit with a shake of your head looking down.

“and why’s that? What do you think is holding you back?” Sally asks you.

You take a deep breath, worrying over your lip as you glanced out of the window beside you. Sally remained quiet as you gazed out of the window, allowing you time to process your thoughts and find a way to verbalise them.

“I just- I worry that I’ll be watched” you admit “Which part of me knows is stupid because my father knows he’s been caught and like any other… criminal,” you say struggling over the word criminal because it just didn’t feel right “he would have gone to ground, lying low until it blew over, but then I also worry that other people will look at me differently, they won’t know why I’ve been off work for over a month but they’ll wonder and they’ll gossip” you continue shaking your head, face pinching together in frustration “and I just don’t know where I stand with being a cop anymore”

Sally frowns slightly, her head tilting as she looked back at you “What do you mean by that?” she asks.

“well I- it was my father that got me into policing” you explain “It was something I could ask him about as a kid and he’d openly talk about it with me, he’d be happy to take me on stakeouts or ride around in his patrol car, it was him that made me fall in love with it”

“And do you think you might have chosen a different career if things had been different? If your mother had survived?” Sally questions.

“I don’t know” you admit weakly with a small sniffle as you look down.

You hear Sally get up from her chair making you glance up and you see her grabbing a box of tissues, holding them out for you. you whisper a thanks as you take a couple and start dabbing away your tears. She then sits back down and gives you a few minutes just to compose yourself.

“Okay firstly I want you to know that the anxieties you are feeling are completely normal for anyone who has experienced a work-based trauma,” she tells you reassuringly “and there is also nothing wrong with starting from scratch in a new career”

You nod your head “I just don’t know what else I’d want to do” you admit.

“that’s okay we can sort that, there’s lots of quizzes and resources out there that can help you find out what kind of career might suit you” she reassures you “So what I want you to do in between now and the our next session is for you to just do some research into other careers and see if any of them excite you, do you think you can do that?” she asks.

“yeah, I can do that” you nod, earning a warm smile in response.

As usual, Chris made sure you had a comfy and cosy evening following your session. He ran you a bath, one that you both enjoyed together, you relaxing back into his chest and nearly falling asleep.

He then made you one of your favourite comfort meals and you both sat down to sit down to watch one of your favourite sit-coms. Once you had eaten you grabbed your laptop and started researching different careers like you promised Sally you would.

When Chris questioned what you were doing you explained what you had talked about in your session today. You could tell by the small pinch of his brows and the way the corners of his lips twitched downwards that he didn’t like what he was hearing. You knew he didn’t like the idea that your father was potentially pushing you out of the job you loved, the one that helped bring you and Chris together. But he then put on a smile that you knew was sincere and promised to help you in any way you could.

Over the next couple of days, you continued to research different careers and industries hoping that one of them would catch your attention and spark something but there was nothing. You took a couple of quizzes but all they told you was that you suited a career in the emergency services.

You were starting to think maybe you just needed to switch to a different emergency service but you weren’t sure. You wondered about switching to being a firefighter, you thought about talking to Chris about it, but you weren’t sure how he would react. He could love it because it meant you could actually work together, but he could also absolutely hate the idea because he knew just how dangerous it was.

The doorbell ringing pulled you from your worrying, you breathed a sigh of relief for the moment of reprieve that it gave you. pushing your laptop off your lap you make your way over to the front door, surprised to find Robert stood the other side holding a box.

“hi Y/N, sorry for dropping around unannounced but Chris asked me to drop this around to him” Robert smiles nodding down to the box in his hands.

“oh, he’s out at work at the moment,” you say as he passes you the box.

“I know they’re doing an emergency first aid refresher today, I just was in the area and thought might as well” Robert explains with a small shrug of his shoulders.

“yeah of course, I’ll let him know you dropped by” you smile putting the box down just inside the house.

“Sure, oh um before I forget I noticed one of your car tires is flat” Robert says gesturing over his shoulder with his thumb.

“oh really? I haven’t driven it in a while” you say frowning in confusion.

“Probably just a slow puncture then, easy to miss but it's completely flat now” Robert sighs glancing over towards your car.

You whisper a small curse “Okay, thanks for letting me know I’ll call a garage and see if they can come pick it up”

“oh don’t waste your money on recovery, why don’t I help you change the tire now and then you can just drive it to the garage when you’re ready” Robert suggests.

“oh no it's okay, I’m sure you have lots of other important things to be getting on with,” you say waving the idea off.

“nonsense, it won’t take long at all some get some shoes on and we’ll get started” Robert smiles already walking off towards your car.

You let out a small sigh before sliding on some trainers and grabbing your car keys from the small dish by the front door. As you shut the front door behind you, you spot Robert standing on the other side of your car hands on his hips as he looked down at your flat tire with his lips pursed. You couldn’t help but chuckle as you recognised all the same mannerisms that you saw in Chris, they might not look very similar but they definitely acted in the same way.

Walking over you join him on the other side of the car letting out a low whistle when you saw just how flat your tire was “Jeez, almost looks like it’s been purposefully flattened” you comment as you bend down to get a better look.

“uh yeah, have you done this before?” Robert asks, scratching the back of his neck.

“no never got taught how to, figured I’d just google it if I got a flat while on the road” You shrug as you stand back up, you expected to see a sympathetic smile after revealing something else your father failed at, but as you look back over at Robert but all you saw was a fatherly smile.

“Well, it's never too late to learn a valuable skill, c’mon” he smiles patting you on the shoulder.

For the next half an hour Robert taught you how to change a tire, showing you how to jack up the car and loosen the bolts. He got you to do a couple of the bolts after he’d show you how. He was kind and patient and answered any questions you had without making you feel stupid for asking them.

He was just putting the damaged tired back in your car ready for whenever you took it to the garage when you decided to ask him a question “Do you think I’d be a good firefighter?”

Robert pauses for a moment, his eyes scanning over you before he stands back to his full height and closes the trunk “Why’d you ask?” he questions.

“I’ve been considering leaving the police force after you know… my therapist suggested doing quizzes to find out what I might be good at and all of them said a job in the emergency services so I thought maybe joining the fire department” you explain wrapping your arms around you as you spoke.

Robert nods his head a couple of times “Well honestly I think you’d be a great firefighter, we’d be extremely lucky to have you” he tells you “but I think you’d be a better detective” he finishes catching you by surprise.

“Really?” you mutter your eyes still wide in surprise.

“yeah, Chris talks about you a lot and I’ve seen the work you’ve done and it's incredible, there’s so many bad apples that the community needs an officer like you” Robert nods as he puts a comforting hand on your shoulder, “I think if you leave the police force you’ll regret it, especially because it means he won,” he says squeezing your shoulder.

You take a deep shaky breath realising he was right, your father had given you an ultimatum. Choose Chris or your job. By staying with Chris and leaving the police force you would be letting him win, he would be getting his way. You wanted both.

“I understand why you’d be hesitant to jump straight back in but you’ll get there because your one strong gal, and I don’t mean the way you nailed Chris with that softball” Robert smirks making you let out a watery laugh.

“thank you Robert” you smile over at him.

“it's nothing, and if you ever need anything just let me know okay?” He tells you squeezing your shoulder.

“I promise” you nod, for a second you went in to hug him but hesitated.

Robert must have seen your hesitation because he then pulled you in and hugged you instead. You instantly breathed out a sigh of relief as you hugged him back, getting the first fatherly hug you’d had in years.

Things felt normal. Or as close to normal as things could be. Chris could see you coming more and more out of your shell every day, smiling, laughing and even playfully challenging him. You still had moments when you would disappear into yourself a memory that you didn’t want to remember unearthing itself. But you would just make your way over to him and seek comfort from him. He’d ask if you wanted to talk about it, sometimes you did, and sometimes you just wanted him to hold him, either way, it wasn’t long until that dark cloud disappeared and a genuine smile would return to your face.

You had even begun to get out more, you and Chris spending the day with the kids at the park, or going over to Ben and Matt’s for dinner. You had admitted to him that you still felt hesitant going out, paranoid that your father was still watching you. But you were done with letting him control your life, so Chris watched as you stepped out the door with your head held high, proudly holding his hand. Giving your father a metaphorical middle finger and Chris was insanely proud. You were so much stronger than he felt he’d ever be.

Chris was just clearing up all the plates from dinner while you were in the living room with the kids helping them pack up all the stuff they brought over. Chris was just drying his hands when he heard you and all the kids laugh loudly, walking back out he found you all sat on the couch. Stella was sitting in your lap, the two boys on either side all playing with the face filters on your new phone.

“What are you troublemakers getting up to?” Chris asked as he leant over the back of the couch and into frame of the camera, the kids all screaming with laughter when the filter moved onto his face making him look like an old lady “Oh gahd I look like Nana Lisa” he comments making the kids laugh hysterically.

“you’re a very pretty old lady” you chuckle looking over your shoulder at him.

Chris winks back at you “Glad to hear it” he smirks, leaning down to peck you on the lips just as the doorbell went “That’ll be your dad” he tells the kids.

“aww already? Can’t we stay longer?” Miles whines pouting up at Chris.

“Sorry pal we’ll hang out soon I promise, make sure you have everything while I let him in,” Chris tells them as he moves towards the door.

As he goes he hears the kids whine some more but then he heard Stella asking you to help put her shoes on, something that made his heart melt and a warm smile grow on his face. when he opened the front door he greeted Ryan with a handshake as he let him in.

“Thanks for having them again, they been good?” Ryan asks as the two of them walk back towards the living room.

“oh they were terrible” Chris sighs dramatically, trying not to laugh when the kids all shouted and called him a liar “Absolute terrors, I think they should go to bed with no dessert” Chris continues as the boys jump onto his back trying to cover his mouth “I’m joking, I’m joking” he finally caves, laughing as he pulls the boys off him.

“They were good as gold as always” You smile, your arm around Stella’s shoulders as you walked over.

“glad to hear it, c’mon kids it's getting late say goodbye to Uncle Chris and Y/N” Ryan says as he began to herd the kids back to the front door.

“Bye Uncle Chris! Bye Auntie Y/N!” The kids all called out as they dashed back out to the car.

Chris’ brows rise in surprise a wide smile creeping onto his face as he glanced over at you to see you biting your lower lips to stop yourself from smiling too widely. He wrapped his arm around your shoulders and pulled you into his side and pressed a kiss to your temple which made your smile fully break out.

The two of your wave goodbye to the kids, watching as the car drives down the drive and onto the main road. Once out of view Chris closed the door and turned around to face you “Glass of wine?” he suggests.

“sounds perfect” you smile with a content sigh.

Chris grins back down at you, pressing a kiss to your forehead “Okay you go get comfy and I’ll go pour us some” he says his hand moving to the small of your back as he stepped away.

Walking into the kitchen he grabbed the bottle of white that was already in the fridge and poured out a serving for the both of you. when he made his way back into the living room you had already made yourself comfy, a blanket draped over your lap.

You smiled warmly up at him as he passed you your glasses and sat down next to you, your legs moving to rest over his lap. He smiled lazily as he tugged the blanket over your legs before resting his hand on top of your knee.

“cheers Auntie Y/N” Chris smirked as held his glass up in a toast.

You smiled bashfully but lifted your glass to meet his “Cheers Uncle Chris” you chuckled lightly, Chris smiling warmly back his eyes never leaving your face as he took a sip.

For the next half an hour or so you just relax, sipping on your wine. The TV was on but neither Chris nor you were paying much attention. You were just quietly chatting, you telling him about what the kids got up to when he was out of the room, Chris smiling warmly over at you, his hand running up and down your leg.

The sound of the doorbell ringing disrupted your tale, making you and Chris frown and look at each other in confusion “One of the kids must have left something” Chris sighs moving to get up.

“Relax, I’ll go get it,” you say putting your hand on his chest and getting up from the couch, putting your wine glass down on the coffee table.

Chris went to protest but you were already on your way to the front door, so instead he began scanning the room trying to spot whatever it was that the kids left. He was just about to get up from the couch to look underneath it when he heard a pair of footsteps approaching.

Looking over he frowned in confusion as you walked in with his dad who was still in his Chief’s Uniform “Sorry to burst in on your night off but I’ve got some bad news” Robert sighs apologetically.

“is it about my father?” you ask quietly, standing off to the side your arms wrapping around your waist making Chris want to rush over and hug you.

“no, no it's not don’t worry” Robert is quick to reassure you, Chris noticed the sigh of relief you breathed out “It's about Captain Jeffords,” Robert says turning to look at Chris.

“What happened?” Chris asks his brows furrowing in concern.

“he was clearing out the guttering on his house and took a nasty fall, shattered his hip” Robert explains with a sigh.

“shit. Is he okay?” You mutter your eyes wide with shock.

“yeah he was lucky, but his hip was so damaged they’re having to completely replace it so he’s going to be on medical leave for an extended period of time” Robert explains.

Chris internally curses, his dad’s visit suddenly making sense. He was here to promote Chris to captain, something Chris had been trying to avoid. He’d been using the excuse that he didn’t want to take charge of a different crew thinking that there was no way Jeffords would leave or retire, meaning there was no way for Chris to be promoted.

“Dad I-“ Chris starts taking a deep breath ready to convince him not to do this.

“Chris I’m not automatically promoting you, but I do need you to be acting Captain until I can organise a more permanent replacement” Robert interrupts holding his hand out with a knowing look in his eyes.

Chris couldn’t stop the sigh of relief that escaped his lips, he also didn’t miss the way your brows furrowed slightly in confusion “How long?” Chris asked.

“only a couple weeks, 3 at most” Robert answers “So is that a yes?”

“yeah, yeah sure” Chris managed to say, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest, he could do this, it was only two or three weeks, and the chances of something going wrong in that time were small.

“Good, I’ll let you explain the situation to the rest of the crew and I’ll give Jennings a heads up as well” Robert nods before glancing over at you “I’ll you get back to your evening, see you at the station Chris”

“yeah- sure see you at the station” Chris says his voice still hoarse as he awkwardly nodded.

Robert gives Chris one last small smile before saying he’d let himself out and making his way out of the living room. As soon as he was gone you made your way across the room, sitting down and resting your hand on his arm.

“wanna talk about it?” you offer softly.

He knew he shouldn’t but he instantly closed up “There’s nothing to talk about,” he said quickly, shaking his head at the idea.

You just gave him a knowing look and said “Chris…”

“It's fine, it's just a bit of a surprise that’s all, I’m worried about Jeffords he must hate not being able to work for months” Chris shrugs trying and failing to sound convincing.

“Chris, you are a terrible liar” you say shooting him another knowing look making him sigh deeply “C’mon tell me what’s on that mind of yours” you say gently tapping his forehead “You’ve helped me work through so much so let me repay the favour”

“I’m scared, I’ve never wanted to be a Captain” Chris admitted quietly, looking down at his lap.

“Okay, why is that?” you ask softly, your hand moving to run up and down his arm soothingly.

“well my dad has always wanted me to work up the ranks, he didn’t want me to make the same mistakes that he did, the higher up you are the more flexibility you have and the balance is better” Chris explains “For a really long time I didn’t need that balance, I didn’t think that I would be lucky enough to find someone that I’d want that balance for, until you that is” he looks over at you and see the soft smile on your face “I’ve always pushed back against every promotion, only took them when I felt ready and deserving, especially when my dad became chief”

“I get that, I was the same with my father, I didn’t want anyone to think I was getting special treatment when really it was the complete opposite” You sigh shaking your head as you looked down.

Chris reached out to take your hand, squeezing it gently “I knew my crew would get it because they knew me but other crews in the city would just see me as the chief’s son so I said I’d consider it if Jeffords retired since everyone knows that Jeffords would never retire so I thought I was safe but clearly not” he sighs.

“what do you mean by safe?” you ask frowning slightly as you tilted your head.

“that I wouldn’t ever have that responsibility on my shoulders, the responsibility to keep everyone safe and ensure we save everyone… if something went wrong it would be my fault and I don’t think I could handle that pressure” Chris finally admits “I mean just hearing how much my crew rely on me already just freaks me out and it would only get worse if I became captain”

You let out a long sigh as you run your thumb back and forth over the back of his hand “I understand, it’s scary taking on that responsibility but you wouldn’t have been asked to do so if they didn’t think you could do it” you reassure him “I’ve seen you on the job and you practically command the team already and they trust you, they’d know that you wouldn’t lead them in blindly”

“but what if I make a bad call, like at the apartment building fire when I got hurt” Chris argues shaking his head.

“well let me ask you this, would you have instructed anyone else to do what you did?” you ask him shifting to face him more.

Chris didn’t even need to think about it “fuck no” he states shaking his head.

“Exactly, you would never risk someone else’s life if you weren’t sure it was safe,” you tell him with a knowing look “You were only reckless with your own life, which I hope I won’t be doing any more”

Chris couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle “No I won’t I promise” he smile gently over at you.

You smile back at him, reaching up to cup his cheek and kissing him softly “Good, now I know you don’t believe it but they believe it you, I believe it you, and like your dad said it's only for a couple of weeks so if you really hate it, it’s not forever if you don’t want it to be”

Chris let out another long sigh as he took in your words, he knew you were right but he still didn’t feel completely comfortable with it. He couldn’t stop himself from worrying that this was going to be a massive mistake.

“Just give it a shot, you might end up loving it and you won’t know if you don’t try,” you say your thumb brushing over his bearded cheek.

His gaze rose to meet yours. Your eyes shone with unfiltered faith in his, it wasn’t that long ago that those same eyes appeared dull and empty. You were bravely facing demons and working through decades of trauma, it made his issue seem insignificant. So even though he still wasn’t convinced he nodded his head.

“thank you babe” he whispered leaning in to rest his forehead against yours to help ground him.

“Anything for you” you muttered back, kissing him softly.

Walking through the grocery store list in hand, you worked your way through the list making sure you had everything you needed for tomorrow. Chris had done so much for you the past few weeks, in many ways he’d saved your life. Brought you back from the darkness and the storm that your father had brought upon you. so you decided you wanted to treat him to say thank you, because just saying the words didn’t seem enough.

You were just picking up some fresh fruit when you felt your phone ringing in your pocket. Gently putting the melon you were holding in the cart, you grabbed your phone, frowning when you saw it was Paul that was calling you.

“hey Paulie is everything okay?” you ask trying not to worry yourself too much before you found out why he was calling you mid-shift.

“Hi Y/N, um yeah it’s Chris” he greeted making your heart stop for a split second “he’s fine he’s not hurt,” Paul said quickly when he heard your breath catch “Something just seems up, he’s practically locked himself in his office, isn’t even letting Dodger in”

“oh” you mutter your brows pinching together “Have you spoken to him? Has he said anything”

“I tried but just said he was fine and just had a lot to get on with but I could just tell he was lying, and I’m just worried his head isn’t in the right place” Paul sighs.

“of course, look I’m actually nearby I’ll pop over now and just see if he’s okay, he might just be busy like he said but better safe than sorry,” you tell him letting out a small shaky breath.

“great thank you Y/N, I’ll see you in a few” Paul breathes a deep sigh of relief.

You mumble a goodbye as you pocket your phone and abandon your shopping, you were just about to leave the store when you passed a promotional stand full of jellybeans. Knowing those were Chris’ favourite you grabbed a couple bags, paid for them and made your way out towards the station.

Once you arrived Dodger instantly greeted you, his tail wagging furiously as he jumped slightly to say hello. You bent down to give him some fussing “Where’s your dad hey?” you murmur as you scratch behind his ear.

Dodger lets out a small whimper and whine, nuzzling his snout into your arm.

“Don’t worry Bubba I’ll sort him out” you promise, kissing the top of his head before making your way towards the Captain’s office.

You didn’t bother knocking, just pushed open the door instantly spotting Chris with his elbows resting on the desk, hands running up and down into his hair. His head snapped up when he heard the door open, his hair pointing in all different directions telling you just how many times he’d messed it up. His eyes widened for a split second in what you could only describe as fear before instantly relaxing into a warm gaze.

“babe, hey, what- what are you doing here? Is everything okay?” Chris asks standing up from his desk.

“I’m good, was just in the area and thought I’d pop in,” you say smiling up at him warmly as he walked over to press a soft kiss to your lips, as he pulled away you reached up to smooth out and fix his wild hair “are you okay though?”

You feel Chris tense under your touch for a moment before nodding stiffly “Yeah I’m fine” he says his voice strained.

“Chris we both know fine doesn’t mean okay,” you tell him gently, your hand moving to rest on his chest feeling his thundering heart beneath your fingertips.

“I-“ Chris stutters as he looks down, his hand moving to rest over yours, fingers weaving together “I just feel on edge, like my body is preparing to go into fight or flight mode and I’m scared it’ll pick flight” he admits quietly.

“Okay, that’s normal” you reassure him “Look let's sit down and you can tell me everything that’s racing through your mind” you suggest pointing over to the small brown leather couch in the corner.

Chris just nods his hand slipping into yours as he led you over to the couch. He sat down first and before you even had the chance to sit next to him he had pulled you down so you were sat across his lap. He nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck, breathing in deeply before letting out a long ragged sigh, pressing a soft kiss to your exposed skin.

Your hand found his that had been resting on your lap, gently picking it up and softly massaging his fingers, rubbing circles around his fingertips. A technique your therapist had taught you to help focus, recentre yourself and relax.

It was clearly working as Chris began to speak without you needing to prompt him “I thought I’d be okay, I thought I’d managed to talk myself into it but just this morning at the briefing, all their eyes on me…” he said quietly, his voice drifting off at the end as he shook his head “I’m used to a couple of them looking at me for leadership when I’m leading a team inside a building, but all of them… it just felt too much and that was just a briefing, how the hell am I gonna cope when I have to keep all of 10 of them safe and the countless civilians” he admits lifting his head enough so you could see his watery eyes.

You let out a quiet sympathetic sigh as you cupped his cheek and gently brushed away the stray tears with your thumb “You can do it because you’re an amazing firefighter, and because they’ll call you out on your bullshit if they need to” you say succeeding in getting a weak chuckle from him.

That small moment of reprieve soon disappeared as his brows furrowed again “But what if I freeze, forget what I’m supposed to do, fuck my head is swimming at the moment I’d probably order water on an electrical fire” he says shaking his head.

“no, you won’t because you know just as well as I do that we’re trained so much that its all second nature, as soon as you’re on-site and you know what you’re dealing with all that training will kick in and you’ll know exactly what to do to the point you won’t even be thinking, you’ll just be acting and saving lives” you reassure him, making sure you met his gaze to drive your point home.

He still didn’t seem convinced though as he let out a shaky “I dunno”

“yes, you do and I’ll prove it,” you tell him firmly making his brows furrow slightly in confusion "What do you do when responding to a bonfire out of control”

“Y/N-“ he starts with a sigh, shaking his head.

“Just tell me, what do you do?” you press, squeezing his hand.

He lets out a small huff but does as he’s told, telling you step by step what needs to happen when responding to that sort of call out. When he was done you then continued to quiz him on all the different types of fire and emergency situations he could possibly face. The more he answered the more confident he got, even talking about different external factors and how they should be managed if they should crop up.

“See?” you say once he was done “You know so much, all you need to do is take a deep breath, calm your mind and think, don’t let panic blind you,” you tell him resting your hand back on his chest his heartbeat much steadier than before “and you know you can do it, you’ve stepped up before, you can do it again and again and again, and maybe for the rest of your career if you really want to”

“let’s not get ahead of ourselves, this is still Jeffords’ job when he gets back” Chris said with a small chuckle.

“of course” you smile knowing deep down that once Chris got himself stuck in he would end up falling in love with it “And since today is such a big day and you’re gonna be super brave, I got you a little treat,” you say reaching into your jacket pocket and pulling out the bags of jellybeans.

Chris lets out a warm unfiltered laugh as you put the jellybeans in his hand, smiling warmly over at you “Thank you sweetheart, I don’t know what I did to deserve you” he smiles leaning forward to nuzzle his nose against yours before softly pressing a kiss to your lips.

For the next half an hour you helped Chris relax and ensure that little voice in his head was well and truly silenced. You watched as the smile on his face got warmer and more relaxed, his shoulders becoming less tense as you rubbed your hand over them. His boisterous laughter echoed through the room as he stuffed his face with the jellybeans you brought him.

He was just about to show you the private sleeping quarters attached to the office when an alarm rang through the station. You felt the hand you held tense, his shoulders minutely hunching at the sound. You turned him to face you, his eyes widening slightly as you reached up and cup his cheek.

“take a deep breath, calm your mind and think, you can do this,” you tell him firmly before reaching up to press a kiss to his lips “Now go be a hero, I’ll be right here when you get back”

Chris blinked a couple of times, the hint of fear disappearing in his eyes “I could be gone for hours” he muttered.

“that’s okay, I’ll wait here with Dodger and then we’ll celebrate your first successful call out as acting Captain” you grin up at him “now go”

A smile tugs at Chris’ lips as he nods, pressing a quick kiss on your lips before rushing out of the office to go join his team.

Two hours later you were playing fetch with Dodger in the area of the station that usually held the trucks. The sound of the ball echoed in the vast empty space as it bounced highlighting just how quiet it was when they were out on duty. A stark contrast to how loud and rambunctious it could be.

You had already banned yourself from looking at the clock. For the first hour, you’d kept looking at it expecting hours to have passed when it was only minutes. Each time you had to take a deep breath and focus on something else, try and not to worry about Chris.

You hadn’t realised just how long callouts could be until you were the one waiting for them to return. The hours would fly by for Chris but for you, they’d drag giving you too much time to think.

As time dragged on you fought that voice in your head that worried and thought in what ifs. What if something had gone wrong, what if the reason they were gone so long was because someone was hurt, what if that someone was Chris?

The two members of Chris’ crew that had stayed back to man the station in their absence tried to distract you and entertain you. You had asked them how they thought Chris was doing as Captain, both of them reassuring you that he was killing it already. But all the talk of Chris just made you miss him more.

You considered calling Lisa or Sally, just to have someone to get all these thoughts and fears off your mind. You knew Lisa would understand exactly how you felt, she’d probably drive straight over to keep you company.

You were just about the ring Sally when you heard the engine pull onto the street. A big sigh of relief escaped your lips as the truck parked up and the crew began to climb out. None of them looked despondent which was a good sign, but you still were holding out to see how Chris looked.

He was the last to climb out of the truck, his eyes scanned the area, a wide smile breaking out when he laid eyes on you. He jogged straight over to you, catching you by surprise when he wrapped his arms around you tightly, picking you up and spinning you around.

You let out a squeal of surprise clinging onto him, the smell of smoke clinging to his jacket, giggling as he continued to spin you around. To the point that when he finally put you down he had to steady you because you were so dizzy.

You didn’t even get the chance to ask him how it went. His large hands cupped your cheeks and kissed you deeply. So deeply that you were completely breathless.

“I take it went well then,” you say with a breathy chuckle.

“So good, so so good” Chris grinned “and all because of you”

You smile up at him softly, shaking your head “I didn’t do anything”

“You did everything, you had confidence in me when I had none, it was your voice in my head telling me to breathe and think, you got me through it and showed me I had nothing to be afraid of” Chris’ eyes fixing on yours as he spoke, his thumb gently brushing over your cheekbone.

You felt the lump in your throat grow, to the point you were almost rendered speechless “I’m so proud of you” you croaked, tears welling up in your eyes.

Chris just smiled softly as he leaned down to kiss away the stray tears that fell down your cheeks. He then wrapped his arm around your shoulder and pulled you into his side as he turned to face his crew.

“Right, you guys know what to do, I want all the equipment refreshed and ready for the next call out by the time I’m done with my report” he ordered his eyes scanning over his crew.

“On it Cap” Jamie said giving him a small salute.

“Good dismissed, and nobody bothers me while I do this report,” Chris says as he glances down at you, a mischievous look in his eyes “Gotta get it right so ai need to focus”

His crew nod in response before breaking away to go do their jobs. You expected Chris to say goodbye to you then so he could focus on his report. But he kept his arm around you and led you back to his office.

You were just leaving the Truck area when Chris looked over his shoulder and called out “Hey Paulie, mind giving Dodger a bone for me?” He didn’t even wait for a response, Dodger already dashing off towards Paul.

You just faintly heard Paulie grumble “Reports my ass”

Once you were inside his office, Chris locked the door behind him, peeking out between the blinds before turning to look at you with a hungry look in his eyes.

You knew that look on his face all too well. It was a look that had your toes curling and heat blooming in your core. A look that told you that writing his report was the very last thing on his mind.

You nibbled your lower lip as he closed the distance between the two of you in two large steps. He shrugged off his jacket as he went, allowing you to see his rippling biceps in all their glory, your eyes fixated on them as he threw his jacket onto the small couch.

Your breath hitched when he reached you, his arms snaking around your waist tugging you into his chest. One large hand splayed across your back, the other gently cradling the back of your head. His head dipped as his lips met yours for a deep, commanding kiss, one that left no argument as to who was in charge.

His tongue swiped across the seam of your lips, begging for entrance which you happily obliged. You couldn’t hold back the moan that escaped your lips, your fingers clutching his suspenders as he walked you back towards the desk.

You let out a small squeak of surprise when the back of your legs hit the edge of the desk, Chris quickly and easily picks you up and sets you back down on it. Pushing away the odd piece of paperwork and pencil holder.

Your legs parted and Chris stepped into the space between, a smirk growing on his face as you wrapped your legs around his waist trapping him in. His lips began to travel across your jawline and down your neck, your head rolling back and to the side to give him better access.

Through your hooded eyes, you then spotted something that made you rest your hand on his chest “As much as I’d love to continue this, I don’t think I can do it with Jeffords’s family watching” you admit.

Chris’ head reared back in surprise his brows furrowing in confusion before he followed your gaze and spotted the framed picture of Jeffords and his family on the desk. He let out a snort of laughter his head falling to the crook of your shoulder.

You laughed along with him, fingers running over the nape of his neck and up into his hair. He lifted his head, eyes full of mirth as he leaned back in to press a soft kiss to your lips “How about the private captain’s quarters?” He suggests.

“Can’t think of a better way to celebrate and make your mark” you smirk making Chris laugh, his head thrown back.

He shook his head as he smiled warmly down at you “You are trouble” he murmured against your lips.

“I’m your trouble” you grin back at him.

“That you are” he smirks kissing you once more as he lifted you from the desk, wrapping your legs around his waist.

He carried you through to the attached private quarters that he’d shown you earlier. The bed wasn’t large, only being a small double, built for purpose rather than comfort.

As soon as he settled you down on the bed, you shifted up onto your knees. You ran your hands over his chest before wrapping my fingers around his suspenders and pulling his lips back down onto yours. You heard him let out a small hum as you pushed the suspenders off his shoulders, and began working on the buttons of his shirt.

Once you pushed his shirt off your shoulders you ran your nails down his bare chest to the waistband of his trousers and began to unbutton them. His breath hitched and you could have sworn you heard a small growl escape his lips when you reached inside and wrapped your fingers around his proud erection and freed it from the confines of his trousers.

You gazed up at him through your lashes to see him lick his lower lips as your own neared his tip. His eyes shuttered closed when you licked a long stripe up the underneath of his shaft. As you wrapped your lips around his tip his hand gripped the back of your head, fingers weaving into your hair. There was a small twinge of pain as he gripped your hair but it only encouraged you to take in more of him.

One of your hands moved to his thigh which was rock hard and as tensed, holding himself back. You moved your hand to the back of his thigh, squeezing and encouraging him to let himself go. He let out another growl as he gripped your hair tighter and began to thrust.

You pulled his trousers down more, pulling his boxers down with them so you could cup his balls. A hiss escaped his lips when you did so, a hiss that turned into a long drawn-out moan which made heat pool at your core, your own thighs pressing together to provide some friction.  

You could feel him growing close but he just let out a groan as the hand that held the back of your head pulled you off him. You looked up at him to see his chest heaving and a pained expression on his face.

“I-I wanna finish inside you” he panted.

The corners of your lips curled up in a smirk “We’re celebrating your first call out and we both know you don’t need long to recover” you say as you gently lick his swollen tip.

Chris let out another shuddering breath but didn’t protest when you wrapped your lips around him once more. You took it further down your throat, moaning as he completely filled you up. He echoed your moan with his own as he began thrusting with more verbosity, chasing his end.

You cupped his balls once more, which was what finally drove him over the edge. His thrusts became sloppy as he began to unload himself down your throat. You swallowed every drop that you could, pulling off of him and wiping up the cum that escaped your lips with your thumb, Chris groaning in between his pants when he saw you lick your thumb clean.

Chris cupped your cheeks and leaned down to capture your lips with his, his tongue swiping over your lips tasting the remnants of his spend. He kicked his boots off as you push his trousers and boxer all the way off. Once he was completely naked before you, you pulled him down to sit on the bed, moving to straddle his hips.

One of his hands snake down your body from your cheek all the way to the wet patch of arousal on your leggings “fuck” he groaned when he felt it.

You couldn’t help but smirk as you pushed yourself off of him, taking a couple of steps back “Top or bottom first?” you question pointing to your clothes.

Chris’ lips curl upwards as he leans back ready to enjoy the show “Top and no teasing” he smirks.

“don’t ask me to make promises we know I can’t keep” you wink making Chris huff out a laugh.

You keep your eyes on his watching as his gaze turned hungrier as you lifted the lightweight sweater you wore off, revealing that you only wore a tight cotton crop top underneath. Chris began to nibble his lower lip as you then removed the crop top leaving you just in a lacy bra in his favourite shade of blue.

You kicked off the Converse you wore before turning your back on Chris, you heard him let out a small protest that soon died on his lips when you looked over your shoulder at him, your thumbs hooking into the waistband of your leggings. You saw him swallow, his cock twitching as you began to slowly push down your leggings, a groan escaping his lips as you bent over giving him the perfect look of your ass.

Slowly turning back around to face him you began to saunter over to him “Wanna finish the job?” you offer as you come to stand between his thighs.

Chris doesn’t respond, he just wraps his arms around the back of your thighs tugging you even closer. You run your fingers into his hair as he leans forward to press his lips to your abdomen for a wet kiss. He continued to press kisses down your abdomen, nipping at your skin as he went. When he reached the waistband of your matching blue panties he began to pull them down your legs, your breath hitching when he presses a kiss to the apex of your thighs.

He then hooked his hands behind your knees pulling you down to straddle his lap. Your back arched and you let out a breathy gasp when you felt his erection press against your heated core. The arch of your back gave Chris perfect access to your chest. He easily unhooked your bra, giving him full access to your breasts and erect peaks.

Leaning in he pressed a wet kiss to your sternum before moving outsides towards your stiff peaks. You moaned as he wrapped his lips around your sensitive nipple, your hand clutching the back of his neck as he dragged his teeth over it.

You could feel jolts of electricity travelling through your body with every suck and nip at your breasts. You couldn’t resist the urge to roll your hips, Chris’ moan reverberating against your chest as you did so.

You could stay forever in this position, let him worship you and bring you to your peak. But you were here to celebrate him, so you pushed on his shoulder trying not to whine when his lips left your skin.

Chris’ gaze met yours, his pupils blown to the point that there was only a small ring of blue remaining. He arched his brow minutely in a silent question.

“Lie back down” you instruct him.

A smile tugs at his lips as he does as he’s told. Shifting back onto the bed more, closer to the headboard. He kept you straddled across his lap as he moved, his hands remaining on your hip and thigh as he lay back, head resting against the pillow.

You smile lazily down at him as you rest your hands on his abs, feeling them tense beneath your touch. You begin to run your hands up his chest, exploring the wide expanse of muscle, fingers tracing over his tattoos. As you did so you leaned down closer to him until you were close enough that he could lift his head and kiss you softly. His hand moved to cup your jawline, fingers tip’s gently stroking your neck as he angled your head to deepen the kiss.

It almost pained you to pull out of the kiss as you sat up but you soon forgot that as you reached between your bodies and lined him up with your entrance. Your breath hitched when you slowly began to sink down onto him, your eye’s rolling back at the sensation of him filling you up. Chris moaned, fingers clutching your hip and the sheets until his knuckles turned white.

You waited a few moments, just savouring the moment. The only noise being the sound of both your heavy breathing. Gazing down at Chris you admire his chisel chest beneath your, the way his eyes fluttered shut and his mouth hung open as he panted. Your lips twitched upwards as you slowly began to move your hips, moans falling from his lips.

You brace your hands against his chest as you began to pick up the pace. Chris moves both his hands to your hips guiding your movements, his hips thrusting up to meet yours.

When you leaned down you let out a moan as the angle and movement brought friction to your clit. Your moans were swallowed by Chris as he captured your lips with a deep kiss. Your walls clenched around him when his hand cupped your breast, squeezing it.

You weren’t sure how much longer you could continue, that coil inside you twisting impossibly tight, thankfully Chris groaned “Fuck I’m close”

“Me too” you gasp “Let go I’m right behind you”

Chris shook his head “Wanna feel you come on me” he grunted.

You went to argue but it died on your lips as his hand sneaked between your body and found your clit. All touch from his callused fingers have you coming undone in an instead. Your walls pulsed around him, milking him dry when he found his second peak shortly after you.

Once your muscles began to relax you reluctantly lifted yourself off of him, before collapsing down onto him. Chris let out a small chuckle as moved the duvet to cover to both of you and wrapped his arms around you. He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of your head, nuzzling his face into your hair and taking a deep breath.

You could very easily fall asleep listening to Chris’ steady heartbeat, but even though your body has been fully sated, your mind was still running. Even though you had done nothing but wait around, being back in this environment felt exhilarating, it made you miss work for the first time in a while.

Lifting your head so you could look at Chris, you studied him silently for a few moments. He seemed like a completely different man, all the weight was off his shoulders and he just looked so free. You felt a wave of envy, you wanted that feeling.

“What are you thinking?” He hummed, his fingers lazily running up and down the column of your spine.

“That I’m so goddamn proud of you for facing all your demons,” you say making a bashful smile grow on his face “and it got me thinking that I want to go back to work”

His smile faulted for a second, his brows creasing in concern as he shifted beneath you “Are you sure?”

You nodded “Yeah, not straight away, there’s things I need to do first but I want to start that process” you admit your gaze dipping for a second before meeting his once more.

“And what are the things you need to do?” he breathed out, his heart beating heavily in his chest beneath you.

“I don’t know exactly, I’d have to talk to Sally to work it all out, but I need some sense of closure with my father, I can’t go back to work without it, whether it be we manage to work things out, come to some kind of arrangement or truce or…” you say taking a deep breath “or I cut ties completely”

Out of those three options you weren’t sure which of them you wanted. Your father had completely betrayed your trust, showing his true colours. He had been the root cause of so much of your trauma, there was no way things could just go back to normal.

But the idea of cutting all ties with him. Losing the last remaining family member you had, it caused a painful pang in your chest. Just the thought of it made you feel incredibly lonely. If your grandparents were still around maybe it would feel different, you would still have someone.

Realistically though, you couldn’t see how you could reach a truce. Even if your father apologised and swore to never do anything like this again, you wouldn’t be able to trust him, not completely. You’d be looking over your shoulder and just waiting. Just the thought of it all was enough to make your head hurt.

You feel Chris take a deep breath, his eyes scanning your face. You could see him trying to process and work out what he was going to say. He finally let out a deep sigh, his hand moving to cup your cheek.

“Whatever you decide, I’ll be right there beside you, supporting you all the way” he promises.

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Series Masterlist / Masterlist

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#NiamhWrites #Burnin’ up series #firefighter!au #firefighter!chris #Chris Evans #chris evans x reader #chris evans x y/n #Chris evans x you #chris x reader #chris x y/n #chris x you

[irislikeswriting]

Finally, an imagine. I am working through all the requests, slowly but surely, as well as a few other ideas of my own.

This was a request by @alannnina for a halstead!sister who is in an abuse warning.

This is a heavy one and there’s a few big TWs. So tw for graphic scenes of psychical and verbal abuse. Mentions/hints of rape and sexual assault to minors, as well as a description of what rape is. Lots of misogyny towards women and misogynistic language is used.

I do have ideas for a part two if people enjoy this. It’s also not fully edited so any mistake please point them out! And without further ado, enjoy!!

"You're late."

You jumped at the sudden intrusion of the silence, knowing it was just Jay, and so let the door slam shut, not bothering to close it quietly anymore.

"I know," You were uncomfortable, you always were when Jay took the authority role, way more so than with Will, "Sorry."

Jay would use his police voice on you, some sort of an attempt to psych you out, or to scare you. You didn't know which was more important to him but you did know it wouldn't necessarily stop you from doing whatever you'd done again. Not know that you knew why he'd use that voice. And, it was Jay, you brother, who you were never scared of because you knew him. You trusted him.

"Jesus, Y/N, where were you? I was worried," Jay dropped the bad-cop act and instead let his voice show emotion, "I tell you a time and you've gotta be back by then."

"I know," You shrugged, "Time just got away from me, I guess."

"Time just got away from you? You're sixteen. That's not an excuse."

"Sorry." You shrugged again, what else were you meant to do?

It was just something that happened to every teenager, a bit of healthy rebellion or just having fun. God knows that Jay must've done that, even if you weren't privy to that stuff.

Jay searched your face, just standing there slightly illuminated by the moonlight coming through the window. Jay hadn't shut the blinds in the living room, he never did.

It was a few more beats until Jay spoke again, "Go to bed. We can talk about it more in the morning. And I mean go to bed, no sitting on your phone or whatever you think I don't know that you do."

You couldn't help but smirk a bit at that one, because you did know that Jay knew, you were way too confident in his detective abilities to assume anything else. But he never told you off.

“You want me to turn the light on?" Jay asked, his hand reaching up the light switch.

“No!" You said, a bit too quickly and a bit too loudly and Jay furrowed his eyebrows at you, "No. It's fine. I'm used to the dark."

Jay knew something was up, of course he would now, how could he not? He wasn't going to let it go, and it was going to become harder and Jack was going to become meaner and it was all more things that you'd have to deal with when you were already dealing with enough-

Suddenly the light was blinding your eyes, and causing a headache to begin to pulse in your head.

"Jay, no. I said no!" You tried to turn away from Jay before he could see your face, even if it was pointless because he'd see it anyway, he wouldn't let it go now.

"Y/N," Jay's voice suddenly sounded very, very old, "What happened?"

"You're not angry?" Was the first thing you could think to say. You'd spent so long being angry at recently.

“It was Jack." Jay said, not a shake in his voice.

“No," You shook her head, suddenly feeling a very deep need to explain it all before it could get out of hand, "I mean, yes, it was but Jay you don't understand. It's not what it seems like."

“What does it seem like?"

“Abuse." It was the first time you had said that word out loud.

“If it's not then why did you say that?"

You felt hopeless, you felt that returning feeling rising up from your stomach, numbing your body, "It's what it looks like, I guess. But that's not the case, I swear."

“Will needs to look at your face," It wasn't phrased like a question, but Jay was still watching you, and you knew he was waiting for permission.

“Okay but can we- can you not tell him anything. I don't want him to get the wrong idea or anything."

Jay just looked at you.

—————————

"So, I've heard you're having a bit of a tough time recently. You want to talk about it?"

You were sat opposite Dr Charles, it'd been a week since you'd come home to Jay waiting in the dark for her. You hadn't been able to see Jack during that week and so you'd refused to go to school. You'd see him there, is what you said. Really, you just didn't want to go. You hated it and you'd hate it even more with a massive bruise on you face.

Jay had relented almost immediately, and you had your way. You had your phone and you could just leave the apartment during the day. Jack would skip, and then you could explain this all to him and he would understand and it'd all be fine. Some big misunderstanding.

That hadn't happened. Instead, Jay took your phone and when you got it back you couldn't find Jack's contact, nor could you add anyone new to message. Not just on your texts, on anything. And to be honest, you were shocked. You didn't think Jay knew about any of these apps, or at least not enough that he'd know to do all this.

But it was whatever, it was fine. You could still go and meet Jack during the day.

Except Jay had other plans for that. So you went and sat in the break room at the precinct and did work online. You couldn't even leave the room because of all the stuff the team were doing outside. However, true to his word, Jay hadn't told anyone about it. The team were confused, sure, but no one looked at you any differently. Even if they were trying to hide it.

Will, however, had known almost immediately. You had told him he had it wrong, and he didn't argue. Just fixed your face and told you to get some rest. No doubt so he could sit and talk to Jay about you.

"Y/N?" Dr Charles said again, "You with me?"

“Sorry," You said, you didn't want or need to be here but you liked Dr Charles and so you would play along, "Just got a lot on my mind."

“I bet," Dr Charles smiled lightly, "So, Will didn't tell me too much. You want to fill me in?"

“Sure," You sat forward slightly, putting your hands under your thighs, "It's not a big deal or anything, though. Just so you know."

“That's fine," Dr Charles smiled again, "Just take you time."

“Uuuh," You shrugged slightly, "They think my boyfriend, Jack, is abusing me."

“But he's not?"

“No," You shook your head, "It's not abuse. I'd know."

"And, if you don't mind me asking, how would you be able to tell if it was abuse?"

“I'd be scared. Of Jack."

“You aren't scared?"

You shook your head, "I'm not scared of Jack. I'm scared of the way he acts when his brother is around."

“Is that not the same thing?" Dr Charles asked.

“No." You said, because it wasn't and you knew that even if Dr Charles didn't.

“Alright," Dr Charles smiled, "I want to talk about Jack and his brother some more, is that okay?"

“Do I have a choice?" You asked.

“Yes. Of course," Dr Charles said, "If you don't want to we can have a game of chess, how about that? I already talked with your brothers and I'll see you every week but it will all be at your pace, Y/N."

“Okay," You knew Jay or Will would probably be pissed but Dr Charles was the psychiatrist, not them, "Let's have that game of chess."

————————

The team had been gone for a while and you were bored. You'd been left with school work to complete, Geography, and you had finished hours ago.

Normally, you'd wander downstairs, maybe say hi to Trudy. But today something felt wrong, deep in your stomach you could just feel that something bad had happened.

Your fears were confirmed when everyone arrived back and Jay had that look on your face and he was trying not to look at you but he still was. And so he was talking about you.

He came towards the door of the break room and you almost wanted to ignore him, pretend you were annoyed with him so he'd go away and wouldn't tell you whatever bad news he had.

“Y/N, I need to talk to you." Jay shut the door behind him, so it was just the two of them.

“What?" You asked, ready to try and delay things, "Now? I'm, like, busy."

“You need to sit down," Jay pulled another chair out, opposite yours and so you listened to him and sat.

“It's about Jack. Y/N, I need you to listen to me."

You nodded, sick of hearing about Jack but the tone of Jay's voice almost made you feel sick.

“He has a younger sister, right? Sarah."

You nodded, "Yeah. She's 11 I think. I went to her last birthday."

Jay nodded but you knew he wasn't fully listening, "Jack, he hurt Sarah. She's in the hospital."

“Hurt? What do you mean he... hurt her? Like he hit her or?"

“He did something much worse, Y/N. I can't tell you the details but he hurt her."

“It was because of those videos, right?" You couldn't stop the words from spilling out because if you had just told someone then maybe Sarah wouldn't be hurt.

You had known the videos were bad news but you'd just say and watched them and nodded and agreed to what Jack said to appease him.

Maybe he hasn't abused you. But he'd hurt Sarah and he had hurt you. Even if that wasn't him. It wasn't the Jack before his brother showed him videos. It wasn't the Jack that you knew Jack was.

But it had been Jack who had hit and punched and strangled and apparently really hurt his sister.

“Videos?" Jay frowned, leaning in closer to you, "What videos."

“Um. He used to show me these videos that his brother shared to him," You said slowly, not looking at Jay, "They were of these men and they were saying stuff about how your girlfriends should behave. How women should behave. I just, I thought that, that..." You trailed off because you didn't know what you thought. You didn't fucking know.

Jay paused for a second before talking, obviously realising this was progressing to something that may need to be recorded, “Y/N, Kim is going to join us." Jay said and you nodded. That was fine. Kim was fine.

Jay gestured through the window on the door and Kim came in, smiling at you and pulling a chair up. Jay spoke to her in a low voice and she nodded

“Y/N, can you tell me what the men in these videos said?" Kim asked, "You can stop if you feel uncomfortable."

You bit the inside of your lip, "I guess. For Sarah."

“Y/N, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. But it would help."

You nodded, "I know, so I'll tell you."

You didn't know where to begin because the videos were all so long and the men in them all had their own ideas and opinions but you just said what you remembered. Starting slowly and it all came tumbling out afterwards.

“They said your girlfriend should do what you want. If she didn't, you should punish her. Like, hit her or slap her. If she misbehaved too often then you should get her to count the bruises. Tell you what they were for. If you want to kiss, she should kiss. If you want to.. have sex, then she owes it to you. You shouldn't let her speak out of turn, or be rude to you. You shouldn't let her mock you in public and she should just let you show her off."

Jay had written most of it down, but you could see where his handwriting had gone weird, or messy. Presumably because of the things you were saying.

“That's really helpful, Y/N. If it's okay could you tell us about an instance of where Jack hurt you?" Kim asked, smiling at you.

You shrugged, "I guess."

Kim nodded for you to go ahead and so you did, but not before taking a deep breath.

“We went to a party. One of those massive house parties you see in the films. I was 15 so it was like, 6 months ago I guess..."

“I didn't know these actually existed!" Y/N clung on to Jack's hand, looking around the room.

There were people everywhere, they were even holding those little red cups that the teens do in the movies. Fuck yeah. You were one of those teens now.

You and Jack both grabbed your own red cups, filled with some nondescript alcohol that burned your throat when you drank it.

After saying hello to your friends, Jack led you over to a group of boys on the sofa. You recognised a few of them, being Jack's older brother and his friends.

They whistled lowly when they saw you, one going as far to wolf whistle. It made you feel uncomfortable and you went to look at Jack to let him now but he wasn't looking at you. Instead he was beaming over to the group of boys. Looking like he was showing off a trophy.

And so you didn't say anything, letting Jack pull you down on to his lap. You tried to move off, to have your own space but he held on to you tightly and tilted your face over to his.

“Gimme a kiss, baby." He said, tapping his cheek.

You did as he asked but it was weird. He'd never called you baby and he'd never asked you to do that and he had never acted like this with you in front of his brother.

After giving him a kiss he pulled you back down, kissing you. His hands made their way to your dress straps, pulling them down and there was whoops on the background and what the fuck was Jack doing?

You pushed him off of you, "Jack," You hissed, "What are you doing?"

“He, like, shoved me off his lap then and his brother said something to him. But I was trying to pull my dress back down and fix it so I didn't really hear. But then Jack dragged me away and I let him because I wanted to get away from all those boys. They scared me."

“I just didn't want to sit on your lap and make out in front of all those people, Jack. They're older than us, it just freaked me out!" You stepped away from him when he shut the door to the room he had dragged you in.

“So my brother and his friends freak you out?" Jack's eyes were little slits and you would be lying if you said you weren't a little bit scared. But you were mostly annoyed, very annoyed.

“That isn't what I said and you know it." You shook your head, "I'm going to go find Katie or someone, I'll see you later. There's no point us hiding down here fighting."

Jack grabbed onto you wrist and you turned around, your eyes already rolling, "Jack, c'mon."

Suddenly your back was smacking against the wall and you couldn't even cry out because you were so fucking shocked. You didn't know what had happened.

“Jack?" You was staring, wide eyed and his name was the only thing you could get out because what the fuck? And your hands were shaking and your voice was, too. And you felt a bit sick.

Jack pressed his forearm against your throat, cutting off your air supply slightly, "When I want to make out, we make out."

“Jack?" You said again, it was all you could say and you instantly wished you hadn't when Jack pressed his arm harder and okay, now you couldn't actually breathe. At all.

“I could knock you out, right here. I'm in charge, bitch."

You didn't know what to do and your entire body was pulsing with fear because you were so fucking scared. You'd never been so fucking scared before in your life and all you could think was that you were scared.

“Do you understand. Y/N!" Jack barked your name at the end and you opened your mouth to speak but you couldn't because he was pressing against your throat too hard.

Jack laughed then, and let his arm come away from your throat a bit, "Stupid bitch."

“Yes," You gasped out, "Yes, Jack."

Jack smiled then and stepped away, "Good girl, Y/N. I'm sorry I had to do that but you embarrassed me, y'know. My brother and his friends, they'll laugh at me if you don't listen to me. They barely believe I have a girlfriend, it hurts."

You held your throat, trying to ignore the pain in it and the ache in your chest from the lack of air and listened to what Jack was saying to take your mind off it.

“Please don't tell anyone. I was just scared. I act out when I'm scared and I'm sorry....."

"... I won't do it again. I promise. I'm sorry." Y/N recited the words Jack had told her that night, still avoiding looking at Kim or Jay.

“I knew then I wasn't going to tell anyone."

“Why, Y/N?" Jay said from beside you.

You stiffened slightly, "Because he was right, his brother was a dick to him. And it was easier. I loved him. I really did, and I didn't want to lose him."

“How often do you think these events took place?" Kim asked, still not looking at you any differently.

“It wasn't like... regular or anything, it was just here and there."

“Could you tell us a few more of the instances? What he did and what happened before and after?" Kim asked gently.

“Yeah, I guess," You didn't know where to start, what would be most helpful to Sarah's case, "Uh, the night I got back late. We... I just told him I had to go, because it was late. But I'd told him I'd ask Jay if I could stay round, even though I knew he was going to say no. Jack got mad that I couldn't, I guess. I said I had to go and started to leave but Jack followed me downstairs and we argued for a bit. Then his brother, Aidan, was stood in the kitchen right next to us. He was laughing, or smirking, I think. And then Jack got angry. I mean, so angry."

“Why do you love to make me into an idiot, huh? What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jack was in your face and you wanted to get away from him but there was no room.

“Jack, I don't- I don't do that. I just, Jay he'll be angry I can't stay." You spoke as quick as you could, needing to get the words out.

“Wow. I wouldn't let my girl speak to me like that, Jack. Mine would be apologising." Aidan called from the back of the room.

You closed your eyes, wanting to get out of this situation.

“He's right. You love to make me look like a fool, why are you denying it?"

“I'm not-"

The slap came so quickly you ended up hitting the wall behind you harshly, biting your lip to stop yourself from crying out.

“You are, you bitch." Jack hissed, spit hitting your face.

“I'm sorry," You forced out, "I'm sorry I don't think you're stupid. I love you, Jack. I'm sorry. You're right, I do."

“I am right," Jack nodded, "You should be grovelling."

Aidan started towards the two of you, talking as he came, "She admitted it. So she needs to be punished, little brother."

“I'm sorry." You said again.

“How many bruises does she have this week?" You heard Aidan say to Jack.

“I don't know," Jack turned to you, "How many bruises do you have, bitch?"

The number was burned into your memory, it always was, "Seven. I have seven. I'm sorry. I swear, I'm so sorry."

Neither boy listened to your apologies, "It's eight now, I guess." Aidan shrugged and then clapped his little brother on the should, "You're the boss." He said before smirking at you and walking away.

You shrunk away from Jack, "I'm sorry, I won't do it again."

He rubbed a hand over his face, "I don't want to do this, Y/N! But I have to. You have to be better, okay? You understand that?"

You nodded, "I understand." You sniffed, preparing for the hits to come.

Jay looked like he was ready to leave, whether to cry or to kill Jack, you didn't know. But he was on the edge of his seat, his eyes small and his leg moving. He never jogged his leg unless he was seriously upset.

Kim was hiding her true feelings, you had no doubt, "That's really helpful. And I'm sorry that happened."

You shrugged, not replying.

“I need to ask you a quick question, okay Y/N," Kim said, and you nodded, half knowing what Kim was doing to say anyway, "Did he ever force you to have sexual intercourse against your will?"

“No," You shook you head, "We did, uh have sex but it wasn't rape. He didn't, like hit me to make me." Y/N almost blanched at the word rape and the fact that Jay was sat right next to you as you were saying all this.

Kim leant forward, ever so slightly, "Did he ever pressure you into having sex, and I don't mean did he hit you. I mean did he tell you you owed it to him, because you were his girlfriend? Or did he just keep saying he wanted you to make him feel good? Maybe you refused at first but eventually agreed because Jack seemed like he really wanted you to?"

You clenched your jaw, "That's not rape, okay? It wasn't rape it was just a girlfriend helping out her boyfriend. And I don't want to," You turned to Jay, "Can we stop? I'm finished I don't want to do this anymore?"

Kim stood up before Jay replied, "I'll leave you two here. You did great, Y/N. It will really help Sarah."

Kim left and you and Jay sat in silence for a few seconds, and you knew he was going to say something but you had to first.

“I don't want to talk about it right now, Jay, okay? You can send me back to Dr Charles and I'll took to him tomorrow but right now I just- I just want to ask you something and then I want to go home. I don't want to think about this anymore today." The tears were coming to your face and you wiped them away angrily, "Why did Jack do it? To Sarah? To... me?"

“We can't know for sure yet, Y/N but those videos you described? It sounds like they radicalised him." Jay answered, focusing on your question and for that you were grateful.

“He's just a kid. How can a kid do all this?"

Jay took your hand suddenly, squeezing it tight, “What he did wasn't okay, Y/N and we will get to the bottom of it. But you don't need to worry about him anymore."

“But there's going to be a trial, right? For Sarah. Maybe for me. This is going to be hanging over my head for years until it's done. And I just want for Jack to be gone. I don't want this to have happened to me, Jay."

Jay pulled you into a hug and you clung on to him, the sobs coming so suddenly you could barely breathe.

“You don't think these things, do you? That the men said?" You had to ask him, you had to know.

“What those men said is wrong. It's not true. I will never, ever expect anything from you or from Hailey. Or from any other women. I will never look down on you. I will never punish you, or Hailey. I swear to you, Y/N."

You believed him, you'd always believed that. But you had to ask because you had to be sure. You had to know that there were men like your brothers out there, among all the bad.

You'd have to face Jack and a trial. You'd have to tell people what he'd done and what you hadn't done. You didn't have a choice.

But you did have two brothers who loved you and who didn't blame you. Not only did you have them, you had people they worked with who were basically a family. Who would all fight to support you.

Nothing was okay right now, but with the love from the people surrounding you, you believed it could be.

#halstead sister imagine #halstead sister imagines #halstead sister #halstead!sister #halstead reader #Jay halstead imagine #will halstead imagine #one Chicago imagine #Chicago PD imagine #Y/N imagine

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for lying to my friends about my ability to speak?

I (23 F), M (26 M), and J (24 M) are all friends. We met at work but have grown close outside of it, and I'm basically dating both of them at this point (I'm polyamarous, sue me). A little backstory about me, something traumatic happened when I was younger that resulted in a lot of scars, both physical and mental. I haven't spoken a word to anybody since I was 7 because of it. I use ASL and writing in my daily life to communicate, but sometimes when I'm at home by myself I'll say a few words to myself just to make sure I still have the ability. J learned sign language to be able to communicate with me easier, and M learned the alphabet and a few common words/phrases.

Now, the three of us work at a pretty dangerous job. We deal with machinery that we have to keep in check overnight, and if we fail to watch it properly we get basically mauled to death. The machinery also gets more and more dangerous the further the week goes along to keep up with demand, being the worst on weekends before resetting on Monday. It's a taxing job but it needs to be done and it pays well.

The night this happened I was scheduled by myself on a Saturday, which is something that almost never happens. I was stretched too thin and ended up losing track of one machine for a few seconds, getting caught by it and pretty beat up. I used voice commands on my phone to call M- the police in my area are close to useless- and told him to hurry over and save me. He ended up calling J, and both of them came to bail me out. There was a big fight and my left hand ended up pretty much shredded, leaving me without the ability to use most ASL. I decided to whisper to communicate until I could get a whiteboard or something similar to write with.

I'm currently sitting in the hospital recovering as I type this. M and J are acting distant, saying that they hate how I "lead them on" for all this time, lying about how I couldn't speak. The thing is, I really DO hate talking- it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable to use my voice, even when home alone. They obviously still love me, and I love them, but they're both hurt and sad. I can see where they're coming from, but again, it's a point of comfort for me to be able to avoid talking, and I'm extremely appreciative that M and J both learned some ASL to talk with me. J said that he wouldn't be hurt at all if I had just told him when I first met him, but I feel like that level of trauma-dumping isn't something you do with people you've just met. I intended to tell them eventually because I love and trust them, but this happened first and so I didn't get the opportunity.

AITA?

#aita #am i the asshole #unreality

[butmakeitgayblog]

Just to throw in a couple points real quick (because I can never keep an opinion to myself 😔 sorry), I personally kind of dislike the idea of a male and female gaze — not because I disagree with the concept of fetishism and objectification existing, they ABSOLUTELY do, but because of what people, particularly online, have come to accept they mean.

There has recently been discourse surrounding Love Lies Bleeding, a film created almost solely by queer women, “catering to the male gaze” which… I’m sure I don’t need to explain how silly that is lmao. I think this new wave of leftists clutching their pearls over literally any sign of sexual attraction and considering it to be synonymous with objectification has distorted people’s views of what these terms actually mean and have resulted in their gross misuse. Not to make this about me 💅🏻 but I see a lot of this similar discourse about trans people BY CIS PEOPLE whom are trying to be good allies by basically claiming that any sign of sexual attraction towards a trans person’s body is inherently fetishistic which I can’t lie… I kind of consider to be transphobic itself lol? You’re allowed to be sexually attracted to trans people and express that, no matter how their bodies look! The point at which it becomes fetishistic relies primarily on the WAY you express that and the language used — and I think that can apply to queer people in general too. I personally (and others may feel differently!) have zero issue with cis people enjoying trans NSFW content, and I also have no problem with straight women enjoying MLM content; because most of the time, I can tell from the LANGUAGE they use whether or not they are fetishising.

Point being, fetishism and objectification can go ALL ways and I don’t think people need to give excuses as to why they enjoy a certain type of content as long as it isn’t actively harming anyone. But I obviously can’t speak for everyone (especially queer women, I only identified as one for a year or two when I was a preteen lol) and people’s experiences tend to shape their opinions on these things 😅

Right and that's why I firmly stand behind my initial post about how it's no one's job to police people for what kind of content they consume! Because we don't know their motivations for how ot why they personally are interacting/consuming the work. It's incredibly easy to write off all enjoyment of a specific brand of content as fetishizing or sexualization when in reality, for the consumer it isn't that at all. My only point on the last ask was that sometimes, sometimes, it's easy to actually be doing exactly that (fetishizing etc) and not realizing it.

Intentions matter absolutely, but they're not the be-all-end-all of reality. It's like if I as a white person were to say something racist without realizing it was racist. That doesn't negate the racism, and it doesn't absolve me of my culpability, because my ignorance to my actions doesn't supercede my impact. You can be guilty of something without knowing that you are, and that's something you as person have to evaluate and confront on a personal basis. That was my only point in relation to what that anon said.

Again to reiterate, that is NOT saying that everyone who prefers queer work to straight work is guilty of that, because they're not. Full stop. And that alone is why I don't think anyone has or should have the authority to pass judgment on who can and can't consume certain kinds of media. Because, like you said, then you start wading into the murky waters of painting everyone with a broad brush, throwing accusations around that are universally damning despite not actually being universally true. And considering we're living in a period where puritan anti-sex brainrot is on the rise (alongside a deeply unsettling culture of condemnation over every little thing), opening that door can become very dangerous very fast. We're seeing it already.

I will tack on just as a thought regarding the trans character issue, I think that's kind of a perfect example of all these ideas aligning. Just in the most bare bones way of putting it: there is nothing inherently fetishizing about a cis person enjoying work including trans characters. There's nothing inherently fetishizing about a cis person enjoying, specifically, smut involving trans characters. There is nothing inherently fetishizing about a cis person preferring trans character stories over other kinds of media. However, if all they as a cis person consume is extremely sexualized renditions of trans characters, if their only interest in trans characters is porn - generally mostly devoid of complex storylines that create a fully rounded character -, then yeah I do think that's something they on an individual basis need to evaluate about themselves, because it's the difference between having a sexual attraction to a subsection of people versus seeing those same people as purely sexual objects. Does that make sense?

Same can be true for any other queer content being consumed by people that aren't historically the target audience.

But again, it's not really anyone else's place to make that call for anyone else.

#bisexualseraphim #your point about LLB is so right and so funny too because hooowww in God's fucking name could that ever be considered “male gaze” #people really do just throw words around #i just know they're the same people who bite the middle of the burrito and say haha my intrusive thoughts won #*flips table* nO

[johannestevans]

Writing individual character voices is one of those skills where the best way to learn is by listening, but the problem with advice that amounts to “Just listen!” is knowing precisely what you’re listening for.

Dialogue in fiction, regardless of the medium, can be difficult in itself to craft — in writing a dialogue between characters, you want to write speech that reads as natural to how real people talk to one another, but also does what you need it to within the text, whether that’s to drive the plot forward, to show tension or conflict between characters, to be a vehicle for humour, tragedy, and so on.

But the thing about dialogue in any extended narrative is that it’s exchanged between those who are, hopefully, developed characters in their own right, and therefore will have their own unique, distinctive voices.

Crafting these voices and ensuring that they are strong and individual to the characters they belong to is a complex process that has a lot of moving parts. When we’re listening to dialogue in a radio show or a podcast, or when we’re listening to dialogue from a TV show or movie, many of us can differentiate between the current speakers based on aspects like the depth of the character’s voices, the way they use tone, their accents.

I say “many of us” because this isn’t always the case — many people who are D/deaf or Hard of Hearing may not be able to differentiate between speakers based on these more subtle cues alone, and not everyone has an ear for the more subtle distinctions between certain accents.

For me personally, the litmus test for good, strong character voice is this: if you put only your dialogue on a page, and include no dialogue tags to tell the reader who is speaking, will your reader still be able to tell who is saying what?

Before I get on with the rest of this guide, I just want to note that what I’m not going to do is include a list of ways to write dialogue and imply that some are correct and some are wrong — I have my personal preferences and pet peeves, but I believe that just listing the “right” ways to write dialogue would be just as useless as saying, “Just listen!”

My priority here is listening to character dialogue in order to craft our own, but specifically, it’s about how to listen and what to listen for.

This guide is going to be separated into 5 sections, each with a variety of questions to ask yourself about the character in front of you, what their voice sounds like, and why it sounds that way, with examples and comparisons.

The guide as a whole is pretty intensive, so feel free to give it a scan, see what bits you’re most interested in going over, and then come back to it later. This guide is written with analysis in mind, so you might want to come to it when you have a spare hour to really dig into it, as a lot of it is posed in forms of questions to ask yourself, which might be overwhelming if you just want to read through the guide casually.

What I’m going to focus on instead is a list of core questions you can ask yourself while analysing character voice that you can then turn around and apply to your own work. It’s by no means an exhaustive list of every question you could or should ask yourself when listening to dialogue or writing it, but my hope is to cover a wide range here to give you enough angles to work with.

Last disclaimer is that I’m a white, English-speaking guy for whom English is my first language — we all have personal biases in terms of how we process language use and conversation, but as a white first language English-speaker, my biases are more likely to be accepted as truth or default without further examination.

Part of the reason crafting strong voice is so important is because of the ways language use and accent particularly can be policed and targeted for prejudicial reasons, and one of the things it’s important to be cognizant of as writers from any background, but particularly as white EFL (English First Language) writers, is harmful stereotypes and stigma associated with certain accents, dialects, and vocal tics. It’s not just bad, lazy writing — it’s alienating to readers who may be from those backgrounds or have those tics, and can uphold harmful misrepresentations that bear no similarity to real life.

So, the five sections are:

how a voice sounds I (tone, pitch, texture, volume)

where a voice comes from (accent and dialect, as influenced by the character’s background, age, class, time period, etc)

what a voice says (choices made in speech, including character expressions, language use, direct versus indirect communication, personality)

how a voice sounds II (speech patterns, filler words, verbal stims, tics, repetitions)

what a voice means (values communicated in speech, additional information that can be inferred from speech analysis that isn’t just from accent and slang)

These sections are loosely grouped and all of them will and do have crossover, each of them impacting the other, but splitting into sections just makes things easier to digest than a big wall of text.

#dialogue #writing dialogue #writing advice #writing #it would have been wonderful if i could have uploaded this directly to tumblr but tumblr absolutely refused #idk if it's bc there were too many links maybe?

[genderkoolaid]

i relate to the "anti-trans man lesbian" anon about his insecurities about his masculinity. but we go about it differently (unless i'm misinterpreting lol, my reading comprehension can suck sometimes.)

like for a while now there's been a trend of parents giving their daughters traditionally masculine names. i know a few girls named carson, for example, and i heard of girls named grayson. because of that trend, it has gotten people to talk to me about "being a girl named mason", which is super dysphoria enducing. there are a lot of cis girls who also pass as a guy better than me, without even trying to be gnc either!

so these "problems" can really mess me up. sometimes i wish that there was a thick line between cis girls and transgender men, and that there was a way to easily tell/enforce that line.

obviously that is a recipe for disaster.

the only "solution" to the "problems" is to supress gender non-conformity/force hyper feminity in "girls" and to restrict what names a parent can give to their child. that is not good for trans people, obviously. it is not worth it for my theoretical comfort.

and my masculinity is very fragile, as a result of cis women sucking and only calling me "they", and fellow irl transmascs/nonbinary people trying to force fem me(not detrans, but saying i'd look better/queer-er if i wore a skirt and grew my hair out, for example), so i do take up toxic masculinity to distance myself from those groups of people sometimes.

i can recognize that my discomfort for girls with masculine names, and girls who "pass" better than me is just a me problem that i need to sort out myself. (and probably with therapy too, some of it is probably from a personality disorder of some sort, lol. i experience the same amount of anger towards someone who has the same hoodie or backpack as me and towards a cis girl who has a similar "boy" haircut)

either way, fragile masculinity sucks, but it is no one's problem but yours to deal with. a trans men who calls himself a lesbian is not responsible for transphobia being directed at you, just like a girl named carson isn't responsible for mine.

a solution that involves policing the language and gender expression of someone is never worth it.

i hope this makes sense? and i hope i didn't grossly misunderstand lol. and that i phrased everything correctly.

Yeah!!!! this!!!!!!!! this is how you cope with this kind of issue. its entirely understandable why you feel this way, but you are aware that it is ultimately something you need to deal with yourself and not try to shape other people's identities (in this case, names) in hopes that it will fix the transphobia you are experiencing.

#m. #ask box

[rruhlauthor]

Book Review - The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

After reading, I learned this book was first published on 28 February 2017, which makes this a timely review at its seventh anniversary.

It’s difficult to write a book with social justice themes without the narrative dipping into a lecture-style and the author’s voice bleeding through. Angie Thomas pulled it off masterfully, and never once was the immersion broken while discussing themes. This book is clever and chooses each word meaningfully. The Hate U Give gripped me by the collars and would not let me put it down. The story is compelling and highly readable, covering emotionally heavy material and educating the reader on racial justice while also presenting a coming of age tale and lots of humor. This style represents its core message: despite growing darkness, we have to keep living. The narrator’s voice, the unfortunate ongoing relevance to current events, and the unrelenting suspense make this book a modern classic that I think should be in every high school.  

The voice of the protagonist and the ways in which she interacts with her world and the people around her immerse the reader. Starr is a likable character, funny, resilient, and brave even when she doesn’t think she is. Her characterization was so strong I felt like I could meet her in passing on the street or follow her tumblr blog. She collects sneakers. She knows how to put price tags on groceries. She’s embarrassed by her parents’ dancing. The driving plot of The Hate U Give is the murder of Khalil and trial of 115, but the book is about so much more. The book is about Starr and how she grows into self-confidence and realizes her power to change her community. We care about Starr’s conflict with her friends and boyfriend, her worry about her parents’ marriage, and her complicated feelings with attachment to the place she grew up versus moving to a better life. Suspense never relents, lending a thriller feel to the story. Will Starr decide to speak up? Will 115 be charged? Will Hailey apologize? Will the family be able to protect DeVante from King? The people and places are described with such care they leap off the page. The appeal and success of this story is not from larger than life characters and events, but painful and heartfelt realism.

I had a few tears in my eye at the end of the novel, in a good way. There was no justice for Khalil, just like continues to happen in the real world. The Hate U Give was published in 2017, and it feels like little has changed since then in police reform. But there is still hope. Starr and her family get a better house, her mom gets a new job, the community help rebuild the store, Starr stands up for herself against Hailey, and she’s closer than ever with Chris who has shown he’ll support her in anything. The central message of the book is not loss but hope, a story about fighting for a better world because we live in it. This is what we need in face of rising darkness. The audience cares about the characters, cares about the tragedy, cares about justice, but the ultimate reason The Hate U Give hits so hard is that it doesn’t lean into despair. It says, “we must do something, and we can.”

I think this book should be taught in high schools. I certainly wish it was taught in the one I attended (a semi-rural, predominately white community). I know people would have a fit about the strong language, especially “that one news channel” as it was called in the novel, but the message is more important than a couple swear words the students would hear in the hallways anyway. It’s an introduction into learning about activism, written in a voice that is relatable and easily comprehended, wrapped in the attention-grabbing vibe of a YA thriller. Teens and adults alike can enjoy the storytelling and learn a lot from it. I certainly learned a lot about a culture that is not my own, and I’m grateful Angie Thomas created this and shared it with us. It surely took a lot of emotional labor, and the author’s emotional connection to the story shows and makes it all the more impactful.

Stories have the power to change the world, and if they didn’t, there wouldn’t be massive censorship efforts all throughout history. We’re living amongst the worst of modern censorship waves in the United States right now, with any book that mentions race or sexuality being challenged, even children’s books about things as unprovocative as doing hair. The Hate U Give covers dark subject material, but we need to not look away from the darkness in the world we live in. The enemy of hate is care. Through trying to understand one another and our struggles, we can be the light, like a star.

#book review #the hate u give

[sophieinwonderland]

Hey, to our knowledge you aren’t a traumagenic DID system, but we really love your writing and takes on all things plural. Could you discuss the bad video that came out like 2 days ago called “It’s time to Revisit Dissociative Identity Disorder” by Neurotransmissions? We couldn’t get through it. Early on the dude starts talking about how alters aren’t their own people, and we looked in the comments and apparently later on the guy says that DID should be reclassified as a form of BPD or PTSD. Also stuff about Non-human alters being rare or something? It’s blurry and that’s where we stopped -Sincerely a DID system

So, I gave it a watch. Or, well, a listen at 2x speed while we walked since nothing in that video seemed necessary to actually look at the screen for.

There are a lot of minor nitpicks here and there. But most of it is just general stuff that you expect from psychologists and psychiatrists. Of course alters aren't people if you define a "person" as the biological human organism.

And likewise, are only "parts" of a personality if you define the personality as all of the personality traits of said organism.

I consider most headmates people. I think most headmates meet the definition of a person according John Locke's philosophy of a personhood. But I understand that there are legal and medical definitions that this won't use that philosophy. So I guess my overall opinion on his thing about alters not being people is... it's whatever. 🤷‍♀️

He's stating the psychiatric view on personhood, not going out and trying to police systems who use person language. There are bigger fish to fry.

I don't care for him comparing alters to a singlet having different moods in different contexts. I feel that this is an inaccurate representation of the disorder, and really shows that this is a person who hasn't treated or even interacted with DID systems.

I am also bothered by the claim about nonhuman alters being rare because... I don't think any sources are actually provided to back that up. It's a claim I see get thrown around a lot, but if there's a study surveying DID patients to find how many have alters that identify as nonhuman, I have yet to see it. There were some other points in the video that I had similar issues with, where he would just state that something is rare in DID, and then just give no follow-up. Those little claims that are supposed to slip into the audience's brain without giving time to think critically on what's being said.

And there were a lot of little claims like that throughout the video that I didn't like.

Overall, I actually find the video to be fairly balanced. For a video with which the majority of conclusions are things I completely disagree with.

I mean, most of the time as he would spit out something I disagreed with, he would also acknowledge the counter-argument that I was making in my own head before I could make it.

For example, when he's arguing that TikTok presentations of DID aren't matching the clinical presentations of the disorder, he's quick to acknowledge the counter argument that this is likely due in large part to these spaces supplying freedom to systems to be themselves without judgement. (Or something along those lines. I can't remember exactly how it was worded.)

On Misdiagnosis

At one point in the video, he talks about these periods where DID is popular and diagnoses soar. He mentions briefly that one counter-argument is that DID could be under-diagnosed because doctors don't understand it.

And while I appreciate him acknowledging this counterargument as a possible explanation, he really undersells it. DID has been estimated to have a lifetime prevalence in 1.5% of the population. About as common as schizophrenia.

Furthermore, we see that DID systems are likely to spend years in the psychiatric system before finally getting a DID diagnosis.

There is no epidemic of people being falsely diagnosed with DID. There is, however, an epidemic of people not being able to get an accurate diagnosis because of doctors who don't believe the disorder exists.

I discussed this before in my breakdown of the Imitated DID myth. Here is what I said then:

And when you hear a doctor claim that they've never treated or diagnosed an actual DID case, I want you to keep in mind that statistic that 26%-40% are diagnosed and treated for Schizophrenia first. And that many will be diagnosed with other disorders long before they can a DID diagnosis.

Misdiagnosis and underdiagnosis of DID is not some hypothetical issue. It's something many DID specialists, even the most ableist ones, have been blowing the whistle on for a very long time.

"All Models Are Wrong, Some Models Are Useful"

This is a truly fantastic quote that I hadn't heard before, and am really glad that the video introduced me to it.

It really succinctly describes a lot of my feelings towards mental illness and disorders: That these are not necessarily objective things but our own simplified human classification systems. That mental disorders are made to categorize people together who may benefit from similar treatment.

These are models that exist to serve a utility. If they don't serve that utility, then they're not useful.

With that in mind...

DID is a Useful Model

Perhaps not perfect by any means. But despite what he claims in the video, it is useful. Especially compared to the alternatives.

Even in the video, he acknowledges that DID treatment is effective at the same time as arguing the disorder should be eliminated and grouped with other mental disorders.

But if DID treatment works on DID, then doesn't that in itself make it a useful model?

Treatment for other disorders often would actually be harmful to DID systems, pushing them to ignore or tune out voices in their heads, leading to greater dissociative barriers and internal conflict.

Another claim made in the video is that DID would get more research were it a subtype of another more popular disorder, but I don't believe that's true either. I don't think most studies tend to care about specific subtypes of disorders.

Maybe if DID was classified as a form of BPD, it would get more research in the way that studies into BPD would include DID systems too. But that conflation of the two different disorders wouldn't actually be more research into DID. And even worse, it would completely throw off all data for BPD.

If you classify DID as a subtype of any other disorder, DID would get even less research as its own thing, would throw off data into that disorder, and would result in DID patients being subjected to treatment that may not be helpful to them and could even be actively harmful.

This is a truly awful idea.

A Model Where DID is a Type of BPD is Useless for Everyone... Except...

This comment stuck out to me under the video.

I'm not going to say that this is the motivation behind this particular video, but it is curious how it seems like the most researched and over-diagnosed medical conditions tend to be those that are most profitable for pharmaceutical companies.

Hey, remember that paper about Imitated DID I mentioned earlier where doctors decided 7% of their DID patients were falsely diagnosed. Do you want to know the result of a similar study into Schizophrenia?

When 7% of DID cases are ruled to be "imitated," it's a national health emergency and we need to root out the fakers.

But when half the people with Schizophrenia are falsely diagnosed, it gets swept under the rug and nobody talks about it.

I'm honestly one of the more pro-psych pro-endos you'll find, but it's hard to not see how a lot of the models we use to define illnesses, and the models that get the most support, happen to be those that will be most profitable for big pharmaceutical companies.

A More Useful Model Might Actually Go In The Opposite Direction

One thing that he was right about is that DID is vaguely worded and has a huge problem when it comes to actually being diagnosed.

Instead of grouping Dissociative Identity Disorder into other disorders it doesn't fit with, my solution would be to look at other disorders for dissociative symptoms, and broaden Dissociative Identity Disorder so there can be clearer lines between disorders.

Looking again at psychotic disorders, voice hearing in them often comes in two varieties. One is just totally random and unintelligible. Another are these more agentive voices with their own distinct personalities that are consistent over time.

I believe that many of these would be examples of what DID specialists would classify as "dissociative parts," and would fall under Partial DID in the ICD-11. I also believe these would benefit from the same sort of treatment used in DID, revolving around establishing connections and communication between the headmates.

There should also be a delusional subtype added that would encompass headmates with delusional self-beliefs. Such as if the voices believe that they're being implanted in the head by aliens, or that the headmate is actually another real, living person communicating telepathically.

(Would the POSIC community jump at me if I also suggested many instances of delusional companion syndrome would be better classified as a dissociative disorder as well?)

And while I'm focusing on voice hearing, I also think there may be other delusions that may actually be representative of "dissociative parts," especially delusions where one believes themselves to be someone or something else.

Some DID specialists have been testing DID treatment methods on hostile voices in psychotic disorders. If studies show this is successful, I believe the logical move would be to reclassify these presentations of disorders as dissociative, grouping them under DID or Partial DID, or a new "complex dissociative disorder" umbrella.

This obviously needs to be investigated further and would require a huge overhaul of the current psychiatric system that's sadly unlikely to happen given tradition, disbelief in DID by practitioners, and financial interests of big pharma.

But from the papers I've read and systems I've communicated with, this is the model that I feel would be most useful for patients.

#syscourse #psychiatry #mental illness #dissociation #multiplicity #systems #pro endo #pro endogenic #endogenic #plural #plurality #sysblr #mental health #psychology #science #system stuff #actually plural #psych critical #big pharma #actually a system

[c0rpseductor]

i think one of the really frustrating parts about my ocd is like

i have the lying by omission or being accidentally misleading fear a LOT (esp as it relates to disclosing my abuse history) and also the same compulsion to seek reassurance as like anybody with ocd, but i also have this terrible thing where i recognize that my thoughts are unhelpful and illogical but get convinced that if i talked about them people would be mad at me.

like if i mentioned as an example "donation posts are bad for my ocd bc i feel morally obligated to reblog them and experience serious anxiety and discomfort until i do, and if they have any guilt-inducing language it compounds the effect" then my fear ends up that people would respond like "well it IS your obligation and you are being a bad person by making it all about you and comforting you in your privilege." basically like worrying that actually my ocd IS reasonable and those standards ARE objective and people WILL be mad if i try to work on it.

and ofc that also makes it really hard when i DO say or do something wrong related to my ocd, bc then i will have weird anxiety about it for ages but not be able to tell anybody or ask for help managing it down to reasonable levels of guilt bc then i'll feel like that's "making it about myself" and that actually the guilt is the only thing tethering me to acceptable behavior and so on. and usually the thing i've done wrong is small, so it's like, i feel ridiculous for being upset about being Evil Forever And Needing To Always Atone And Watch My Behavior over basically nothing. and then that ALSO makes me feel like i'm making it about myself and need to be watched and disciplined EVEN MORE. so even the smallest thing i do wrong can send me into like ages of self-policing and "you are so [insert bigotry here] and if you don't [list of compulsions] you will be irredeemably awful. [list of compulsions] is the only way to make up for what you've done. reaching out for help just means you don't want to accept the necessary discomfort that comes from being good and care more about your personal comfort than what is morally correct."

And this is just how i live my life every day and i have to try to just deal with that without having insane incredibly visible meltdowns which is always literally all my brain wants me to do bc part of me will hope people see that and Absolve me of my usually imagined wrongdoing. but this emotional reaction also counts as Bad (see above).

idk why im really going into all this beyond that i wish more people understood what moral ocd is like and how it manifests and that people who have it are not just like, chronically online or whatever. ive had my ocd symptoms made fun of as me being like, too much of a tumblrina goodie two shoes who needs to lighten up before, and it's really frustrating. like believe it or not i KNOW most of this makes no goddamn sense, but i have a mental illness that causes anxious obsessive spirals and compulsive behavior to mitigate that crushing anxiety, so outside of ERP or medication i cannot in fact Just Chill. like it's not a personality flaw of too much prudishness OR being too self-concerned and fragile to do The Work of unlearning bias (attitude i have also seen about ocd symptoms). it's a fucking disability

#uhh ask to tag