aidenoes

[aidenoes]

Don't ever hesitate. Reblog this. TUMBLR RULE. When you see it, REBLOG IT.

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[aidenoes]

Hi hello hey take a moment to look at them please

It's badly taken i know, that's not the point

The point is that these two cats always hang around together and discovering the town together. Like they'll wait for each other before looking at a car and wondering what the hell it is

And that's the cutest thing i have ever seen

#i will die for them #cats #kitty #i swear to god they are so cute dhskdj

[aidenoes]

Hi, hello ! Welcome back to me complaining !

On today's episode we will be talking about siblings

Now i am not a violent person, and i still have siblings fight of course.

But i've never understood why you would have so much hate for your sibling, until now.

I fucking understood why cain killed abel bc i was about to do the same fucking thing to my brother, who destroyed hours of working on a puzzle :)

Im slowly dying inside rn and idk if i'll ever have again the motivation to continue the puzzle

#i kinda #i kinda wanna cry #siblings #wanna kill em but also woyld die for em

[aidenoes]

Im back from school and i guess i would say it went okay ...?

I asked 3 teachers to just call me by my name and they said ok but to forgive them if they say the wrong name, so thats cool !

And i went to talk to the assistant director of the school (with a friend for emotional support if needed), and he told me that he has to ask the director to do anything, and that i might have to go and see him to discuss of anything so im waiting to see what will happen.

And i havent come out to any of my classmates bc im just waiting for the pure confusion in their eyes when the teachers will ask my name

Im adding this picture bc found it funny and thats it

Sooo, rn in france we're having about 5 weeks at home (3 weeks of online class and 2 weeks off) and i think that i will come out to my whole school when we get back.

I've discussed it with my friends and they will support me and be there for me in case there's a problem (im so thankful and grateful to have them 😭)

I plan to come out as a trans man to the public and after explain to the people i hang out with that im actually nb

Im so excited yet terrified at the same time bc my family doesnt know that im trans and i suspect they are a bit transphobic... BUT IM STILL SO EXCITED

[aidenoes]

So today is the big day..

Im a fucking wreck right now, i have friends who will support me and i don't really have a plan on how to tell my other classmates. So this is going to be fun huh

I'll do an update at the end of the day

Sooo, rn in france we're having about 5 weeks at home (3 weeks of online class and 2 weeks off) and i think that i will come out to my whole school when we get back.

I've discussed it with my friends and they will support me and be there for me in case there's a problem (im so thankful and grateful to have them 😭)

I plan to come out as a trans man to the public and after explain to the people i hang out with that im actually nb

Im so excited yet terrified at the same time bc my family doesnt know that im trans and i suspect they are a bit transphobic... BUT IM STILL SO EXCITED

[aidenoes]

I live in a very religious town, so on my way to come back from school there's a religious bookshop. And i am so frustrated that one of the book shown is named 'Heaven is real, but so is Hell', bc it could have been such a good name for a story about a war between demons and angels.

That's why i have decided to take that title and work a story around it with internalised hate for each sides and a queer slow burn because i love that.

I already have so many ideas lmao, might keep y'all updated.

#demons and angels #heaven #hell #there's going to be so much pining #and yes they will be absolute dumbass and be dense as rock

[aidenoes]

Oof- Today was long long day lmao

I have come out to my mom today and she is accepting me !!! Yay !!!!

We took time to explain and she slowly understood what it means to be trans (she seems to confuse trans and lesbian but that's ok, she's willing to learn at least and that's the most important)

When we got back home i took my shower and i think during that time she did some researches about top surgery bc this evening she told me that I should move out to Canada. Bc it's better for me and my situation and i think she told me about that bc she wants me to get my surgery there. Since, tbh, france is absolute shit regarding trans issues, gay stuff is barely talked about here and i had to through some obscure website to find any info about T and hormones.

She is trying very hard to understand and that warms my little heart so much 😭

#trans #coming out #trans issue #i did it !!! #she isnt liking the fact that i want to come out to my school but im still gonna do it #bc i can and im tired to be seen as a travesty

[aidenoes]

Im kinda bored so this is a little story time about a toxic best friend i had for many many years

Tw : s*lf-h*rm, s*icid*l thought, forced coming-out

To make the story easier let's call her Fish.

So... it started in primary school, i had moved out into a new city when i was in 3rd grade. That's when i first met her and we never really talked much. Then came 5th grade when we actually became friends.

And middle school happened and that's when everything went downhill real fast. In 6th grade i was still friend with her and i tried to get along with her other friend who was a bitch at that time, and i was too, so we never got along (even tho she is now my best friend bc we realised how much Fish was toxic lmao). So i had made new friends and she had too but we still made up over time and the other girl wasn't hanging out with us anymore.

Moving on to 7th, there was a new girl that came at the school at the beginning of the school year (who is also my bestfriend, props to her for staying with me all these years) and Fish immediately started talking to her. Eventually we have a group of 5 friends :me, her, our boyfriends and the new girl. The thing is that there was a trend of s*lf-h*rming yourself just to pretend to be depressed and sad, and Fish was one of the people who followed that trend. Me, being an absolute idiot, had no idea of the gravity. Well, i mean, i knew it was bad but my bestfriend was doing it so it's fine right ? No, it was not and i almost gave in to but i was afraid to harm myself so i never did. And that example is just to show how much i copied her, i destroyed my relationship bc i wanted to be like her and my ex-boyfriend was so good to me. Her relationship was like an light switch, you never knew when they were back together or not. We also had a skype group and messenger group of just three people: me, her and the new girl. Me and the new girl would badly roleplay and she would tell me, and only me, that i was cringy and leave the group chat like that. And i had no right to tell her i didn't like something about her, but she could though ? I let it slip anyway. I thought i was really happy, then came the worst year of my school life.

8th grade. At this point, Fish and her boyfriend had broken since he apparently abused her (im not sure since she is prone to lying) but i was still in good terms with him. Well we were not the best of friends but i wouldn't punch him (now i would bc he became such a fucking dick). But Fish started to become distant, as if she didn't want me around anymore but i ignored it thinking it was all in my head. One day, our teacher assigned us new places in class and i was next to her ex-boyfriend. We of course talked in class and laughed together. But out of nowhere, she started doing the sign where you slit your throat with your finger, y'know ? I thought she was doing it for kidding and i was just really confused, it was break after that class anyway so i can ask her wtf that was. She came to me and thought i was plotting against her with her ex-boyfriend and just told me to go fuck myself basically. I waited for my now ex-boyfriend and my friend to come-out of their class and explained to them what happened while containing my tears. They tried to go to her and try to understand wtf went wrong and funfact: nothing went wrong and she was just being a bitch and i later learned she just wanted to move on and discard everything from the past year, including me. But i didn't know that, i thought i broke everything, i thought i broke our group friend, i felt guilty and i felt, alone. My boyfriend that got out of school just before me went to my mom that was there to come pick me up, that i wasnt really well and he went away when i got out. My mom did ask me what was wrong and i told her that i'll explain when we're home. At home i explained everything and broke down in my moms arm, i dont know if i cried out of anger or sadness, but seeing me cry was enough for my mom to hate her with all her guts. I've felt so lonely after that. I had no one to eat lunch with, i had no one to be in group in class with and i had no idea of how to occupy my brain when i had no one to talk to, i read in the morning waiting for the friends i had left, i would draw whenever i had to wait alone and i would eat fast to get out the fastest possible. I also lost everything i was since at that time i was like a sponge of personality and just squeeze out whatever the personality people wanted out of me. I had lost everything and i didn't want to be here anymore, i just wanted to die honestly. And i think i wouldve if i didnt think there was my family and my friends. However, it does not end here ! Bc my dumb ass made so many more mistakes ! Bc one day in our technology class i had to work with her for an assignment and we gradually made up until we became friend again, but i was still wary of her and my s*icidal thoughts were still very present. So i was still very toxic and pushing the people that were there for me away. My boyfriend broke up with me. I didnt know what to do, but looking back this was such a good decision for him and for me. I am so thankful for him to have broke up with me, but at that moment i was a bit hurt but at the same time i saw it coming so i had so time to grief about it. A month later my mom decided to bring me to Mauritius (where she is from) bc she thought i had a hard time no having her around for the first time which is kinda true but not all the truth. I had no wifi and no way of contacting anyone. That was so refreshing ! That's when i started to understand that i had the right to think for myself first and not be a fucking carpet for everyone to walk on. I was not out of the shit but i started to understand how to get out.

9th grade, was my savior. This was the best year of my life with nothing to worry about except an exam at the end. You remember the girl in 6th grade that was a bitch ? Yeah we became close friends during that year bc i realised she was a bitch bc she was badly influenced on in 6th and 5th grade. And the new girl remember her ? That's also the year when we got close, the year where we became best friends, when i learned to be and love myself and the year when i started to stand up for myself. I have some bad daddy issues and i have almost always shared my problems with Fish but i started sharing less toward the end of 8th grade. One day i was complaining that i had to be basically the messenger bird of my parents and she looked at me annoyed and tell me 'why don't you go to the police ?'. Like we didnt ??? Like she thinks that my dad was harassing my mom and we didnt ?? That's basically saying 'don't be' to someone who is sad. And i explained that to her and she was like 'don't complain to me if you're going to flip off like that when im giving you a solution', excuse me bitch... what ? I was hella mad. She came fake apologising like a few weeks later. And one day she came out to me as pansexual, great for her, and i was also questionning my gender and thought i was genderfluid so i came out to her. She was like 'oh ok' and i sent her some memes about genderfluidity and she was like 'stop this is annoying'. So i shut my trap. I also learned that during a school i didnt went she faked some anxiety and was being a bitch bc her friend wouldnt come to a shop with her even so another one was ok with going with her. I eventually started to understand that she was bad for my mental health, so i just started ghosting her bc i just didnt want to talk with her anymore and i didnt know how to confront her. She came up and grabbed and pulled me by my backpack that was full of shit just to ask me why i didnt answer to one of her text. I was so scared i just told her i wasnt feeling well and just told her i needed time. The year went by it was great and i didnt want to be in cold with Fish but i also didnt want to be her friend, i wanted to just be classmates, however when she was told this she understood : 'they want to be friend again'. So she clung with us next year.

10th grade, was last year and was full of drama. And we only had 6 months of school. 10th grade is the first year of highschool and the only year where we don't have an exam. I also had a forced new friend that we're going to call Taz so we don't get mixed up. She was also very clingy and it felt like having a leech stuck to me. And Fish was being very, let's say embarrassing and making us feel uncomfortable. She would make ton of sexual joke and we told her it was making us uncomfortable but she would apologise just to do it again the week later so we just gave up. She also outed me in class, thankfully the class was really noisy and only my bestfriend heard it but this fucking bitch just asked outta nowhere 'so you're still on this whole thing about being genderfluid or what ?' And she wasnt talking low, she was talking loud and clear. I felt so embarras and i hoped that no one else heard it. I answered as very quietly 'no.. i think im genderqueer now' and she just said ok. That's also around when i discovered im bi so i was so glad that i didnt tell her about that. And a few months later there was some shit going around about bullying and Fish was one of the targets. And let's say that our english teacher held up a trial so i opened up my big ass mouth to talk and defend Fish. And guess what, Taz just blurted out that i and my best friend were bullying her. Excuse me ? I defended her ass and when i talked to her about it she told me 'no you didnt, you just yelled at me once in physics'. So bc i yelled at her bc she wouldnt listen to me when we had to work i bullied her ? What a thank ! And when i tried to talk it out with Taz, she fucking ignored me and left. I was enraged. I was crying out of fucking rage and still aced a test in english. At the end i explained everything to my crush while i was walking home with her bc she lived next to my moms restaurant. When i stepped into the restaurant, there was my moms friend, which im kinda close to, and my mom who asked me how was my day i cried out of anger. They comforted me and supported me. At school, one day the assistant director called me and my best friend in his office. And told us that in highschool there are no bullying only misunderstandings (i dont really agree with that but anyway) and asked us our side of the story. We explained that we didnt get along with her anymore and made it very clear that we were uncomfortable with her but she wouldnt take a hint. And we left the office just like that. The assistant director probably told Fish our side and she never went to talk with us bc of covid.

Now, im in 11th grade, we do not talk anymore and this feel so much better. Now i'll just drop some bonus drama

She accused me of drowning her when it was her ex-boyfriend that did and made her scared of water, while i was there to support her when she was dealing with her phobia.

And her mom thought that i was a bad influence for her sweet sweet daughter when she was the one to incite me to c*t myself like paper, wow ok.

This is just a personal share and just maybe a way for others to recognise the toxic behaviors of fake friends.

#story time #toxic friendship #toxic friend #have fun reading this #i am still mad sometime #but only sometime

[aidenoes]

I am so fucking damn angry lately bc of one bitch

I have this friend who is usually real nice and stuff, and all of the sudden he started to be real annoying. He is making debate over anything, nitpicking averything i say just to say 'I dOnT tHiNk So'

And i've talked about it with some other friends (we have like a friend group), and guess what, they think he is an annoying bitch to everyone.

I am currently waiting to see if he is going to calm down until the end of the week or if i'll have to leave the group chat bc i dont wanna be told "No ❤" for every single thing i say.

#me angy #this bitch #friend issues

[aidenoes]

Sooo, rn in france we're having about 5 weeks at home (3 weeks of online class and 2 weeks off) and i think that i will come out to my whole school when we get back.

I've discussed it with my friends and they will support me and be there for me in case there's a problem (im so thankful and grateful to have them 😭)

I plan to come out as a trans man to the public and after explain to the people i hang out with that im actually nb

Im so excited yet terrified at the same time bc my family doesnt know that im trans and i suspect they are a bit transphobic... BUT IM STILL SO EXCITED

#its happening #ITS HAPPENING #transgender #coming out #non binary

[aidenoes]

I did it, i survived. But being alone made me realise how much i enjoy being by myself just reading a book or something

So like, is this an introvert thing ? Anyway it is really nice to have some time for myself 😊

So, tomorrow i shall be alone in class, maybe all day

So yall will have my journey through this god awful day

Oh and i can't have my phone during classes

[aidenoes]

I don't think there is any binderstore, maybe except in the capital and sadly no, i cant order a binder right now but i am waiting to be 18 so i can be in a safer space and start transition. I have a medium chest size so sport bras work but i still have to put a sweater or a baggy shirt over it to completely hide it.

And i will watch the movie or try to find the book ! So thanks for the recommendation! Also i am doing more research to figure out how to work with my dysphoria and my doubts.

I kinda want to ask the trans and enbies who are FtM some stuff bc figuring gender is a mess so,:

So is it normal that i don't have dysphoria for everything ? Like i don't mind the lower half of my body but boy oh boy do i hate everything up

Is it normal that i keep misgendering myself ? Even in my head ? Knowing that i'm in the closet except online and to my closest friends

And do you have any tips to calm down when you're feeling hella dysphoric ?

I just discovered that i was more masculine like 4 months ago so everything is relatively new to me

I mean, i knew some stuff bc i always have a queer timeline but it's all in english so i have no idea how it works in france

Anyway, i wish y'all a good day, evening or night

#pre t ftm #transgender #lgbtq #dysphoric #gender talk

[aidenoes]

I SURVIVED BY THE POWER OF READING BOOKS

and i'll have to do it again tomorrow bc these hoes who are my friends won't come again, all 3 of them 🤡

So, tomorrow i shall be alone in class, maybe all day

So yall will have my journey through this god awful day

Oh and i can't have my phone during classes

#the journey goes on for another day #god fucking dammit i have to be alone all day while they play games together #but at least i will be further in the book than them Ha !

[aidenoes]

I SURVIVED BY THE POWER OF READING BOOKS

and i'll have to do it again tomorrow bc these hoes who are my friends won't come again, all 3 of them 🤡

So, tomorrow i shall be alone in class, maybe all day

So yall will have my journey through this god awful day

Oh and i can't have my phone during classes

#the journey goes on for another day #god fucking dammit i have to be alone all day while they play games together #but at least i will be further in the book than them Ha !

[aidenoes]

False alarm, im actually not going in the morning, neat

However, im not so sure for the afternoon...

To be continued

So, tomorrow i shall be alone in class, maybe all day

So yall will have my journey through this god awful day

Oh and i can't have my phone during classes

[aidenoes]

So, tomorrow i shall be alone in class, maybe all day

So yall will have my journey through this god awful day

Oh and i can't have my phone during classes

#journey alone #im making this so dramatic lmao

[aidenoes]

This is very reassuring to me !! And you are very right i have always been seen as a woman and identified as such so i was just afraid that i wasnt 'trans enough' if that makes sense ?

And for now i don't have a binder, yet, but i try working around it with some sport bras and baggy shirts and sweater

I am starting to do some research about everything and trying out pronouns and names so it also helps with dysphoria, oh and shaving really helps ! I did try it out and it's really nice !

Thank you for helping me out, and i do hope it helps any other trans person

I kinda want to ask the trans and enbies who are FtM some stuff bc figuring gender is a mess so,:

So is it normal that i don't have dysphoria for everything ? Like i don't mind the lower half of my body but boy oh boy do i hate everything up

Is it normal that i keep misgendering myself ? Even in my head ? Knowing that i'm in the closet except online and to my closest friends

And do you have any tips to calm down when you're feeling hella dysphoric ?

I just discovered that i was more masculine like 4 months ago so everything is relatively new to me

I mean, i knew some stuff bc i always have a queer timeline but it's all in english so i have no idea how it works in france

Anyway, i wish y'all a good day, evening or night