alt-experiment-blog

[alt-experiment-blog]

Failure...

There are two kinds of failure. The first comes from never trying out your ideas because you are afraid, or because you are waiting for the perfect time. This kind of failure you can never learn from, and such timidity will destroy you. The second kind comes from a bold and venturesome spirit. If you fail in this way, the hit that you take to your reputation is greatly outweighed by what you learn. Repeated failure will toughen your spirit and show you with absolute clarity how things must be done. In the classical martial arts, there is a very old saying (circa 1200s): Bufu Ikkan 武風一貫 "Bufu" 武風 means "martial wind", The wind of circumstance, feeling out the moment, using ones true intuition. Not going with the flow, but playing your part in the flow, very consciously, and with determination to "do what's right, not just whats right for you." The second word, "Ikkan" 一貫 means to persevere, to push through hardship, to apply your force of will to your circumstance, your fate, and your destiny. Life would not last long if we are simply subject to fate and destiny. The vary fact that we don't all just give up and end ourselves means that we don't really believe that were indignantly subject to fate. It is through these ideas that we can turn situations of certain failure and death into pristine success and life. When faced with a dire situation, simply smile. The human being has the ability to smile in the face of uncertainty and certain failure. Not only will this help to make you feel better, but it releases calming chemicals into the body and allows for better concentration and kinetic mobility. Effectively giving you the tools to succeed in the face of defeat. Bufu Ikkan

#bufu ikkan #martial arts #keep going

[alt-experiment-blog]

Coping techniques of the ninja

So it seems that were coming up to a time in the history of our species where many of us are shifting psychologically, as in the conscious. Many are fed up, many are confused, many are angry, and simply put, many will lose their minds. It’s a scary time for some, and an exciting time for others. But were all going to go through some shit. Some will look to the stars, some will look to science, some to love, others to hate, fear, and anguish. We all cope differently in that sense.

For myself, I look at classical literature of those who had to face terrible atrocities of war, violence, loved ones being torn from their arms, and yet they drove on to survive, evidently not out of fear. Instead, their outlook on life was different, and it would be inaccurate to say that they were optimistic, though science has shown that this can’t hurt.

In the study of Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and Post Traumatic Growth (PTG), evidence has shown that if approached in just the right way, things such as high impact traumatic experiences (i.e. war, rape, shock, etc.) cannot only be overcome, but when done with the right attitude, the subject of PTSD may use this terribly negative experience as a spring board to become a stronger, more resilient person. The immune system grows stronger, the neurological pathways of the brain create stronger connections tempered by the hardship, and even the body grows physically.

I’ve had the personal opinion for many years that experience makes you stronger. However when I would come across someone who not only experienced something terrible, but were also still stuck on it, there was little in my mind I could do besides just think to myself “Give them time, either they will get over it, or not." My own bat-shit crazy background only served as part-parables to try to relate and show that they aren’t alone, but these always had short-term effects. Recently I have learned to take my usual approach as certain types of pessimism and depressed mis-mapped neurological pathways don’t take well to being related to. This simply sucks as my heart it so big and compassionate to just sit back and watch, guess I’ll learn the nuance of that sometime.

So instead of how I deal with extreme adversity, I’m going to share a ex-script from a 15th century scroll of a martial arts tradition very closely related to the ninja, to the point that many ninja would have practiced the techniques of this tradition and followed much of its philosophy.

これは宇宙の万化自然なり、 宇宙は時々と物体皆変化するものなり、 死あり、 生あり、 これ万化自然の理、 これを相結んで事なき精神力を意味す。

"This Universe consists of innumerable spontaneous changes, all things in the Universe change from time to time, death is certain, life is certain, this is the truth of ever changing nature, this means that willpower and circumstance are intertwined."

Holy Double Rainbows! What does it mean?!

The first two lines are simply saying everything changes unpredictably, some hate this, some are scared of this uncontrollable force that we call the universe, but there is a tremendous piece of mind in believing it. Kinda like doing what you can, and not concerning yourself with the rest.

The next two lines “death is certain, life is certain" are simply the two certainties of that time period, two things that would need to be faced.

The last two lines explain that when accept the fact that we can’t control the universe, can’t predict the events before they they happen, and Can’t prevent hardship from befalling us, then we can begin to decide how were going to deal with them.

I just lost my lover, I can’t afford to eat, I was just gang beaten. …

We need to be able to make the decision: am I going to stay a victim? or am I going to take control of my life? I can promise anyone that this question applies to their circumstance, without exception. and this is where we either suffer PTSD or PTG, it’s our choice.

On one side we may close off our emotions in shame and denial. Like a clam closing off to the world, forever afraid to share our feelings with others in fear of further pain.

However on the other hand, when we read into the traumatic experience we can extract valuable lessons from these things, all-permeating lessons that can shape our futures for the better and in rewarding ways.

Why did you loose your lover; and what lessons were learned from this? What can you do to get food; why haven’t you don it yet? Why were you gang beaten; How can you not be a victim?

One of the first things to do to break out of PTSD is to shift from the victim role, and take ownership of your life and experiences. Unfortunately, this isn’t something that you just decide in the middle of turmoil, there’s a timing to it. Usually the very second that you feel that your gaining any ground, any sanity, any control at all, you need to take that. Usually the rest gets easier once that inertia is broken. Then the recovery begins.

So the above translation, we can derive a profound coping mechanism for dealing with the pressures of medieval warrior-class living in Japan, let alone the more drama-ridden scenarios found in modern western living. If we’re feeling like no one can relate or has been through what we have, that’s narcissism on a grand and restricting level. Someone has been through what you have been through, and lived to tell about it. There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, if you’re not looking for that light, your either not yet ready to move on, or you’re enjoying your drama.

Always a light at the end of the tunnel.

#ninjutsu #bujinkan #martial arts #japanese #hardship

[alt-experiment-blog]

Aspie meltdowns; one of those rambles...

My entire life has been plagued with my odd behavior, social awkwardness, and simple inability to not say what I shouldn't at any one time. This has made things difficult at school, at work, and in my marriage, but it was only in April 2012 that I had even learned about Asperger syndrome. See, when it really counted (grade school), it wasn't even something that could be diagnosed, and even now you have to jump through every goop in the book in order to be diagnosed positive. In 2003 studies have shown that roughly 1 in 300 children have Asperger Syndrome. It's a verified issue, yet what makes it hard to diagnose is that they can't come to a consensus as to whether it's a personality disorder or a neurological syndrome, thus who are you supposed to go to to get diagnosed? Currently rather expensive specialists, and what may be months of tests on many levels. All that aside, before learning about it and how it influenced me, I had spent the majority of my life trying to figure myself out, I knew I was different, and not in a good way, or an interesting way, but in a way that meant that I couldn't keep a job, got in repeated disagreements on some of the most core principles of society, and dropped out of school because I was bored while at the same time convinced that I was learning impaired (knowing otherwise while still believing it creates quite the conflicted mess). Out on my own, than with my wife, I worked diligently to understand myself, an angry young man with a deeply hidden guilt complex and an inability to relate to others... It sounds like a terrible mess, but it seems that I hid the internal stuff well considering. I have come a long way on my own in combating the inherent shortcomings of who I was, the very wiring of my neuro-network. And early this year it was brought to my attention that I very likely had this syndrome. In learning more about Asperger syndrome, I have seen just how far I have come, frankly it's amazing that I'm who I am today, It came with a lot of hard work, battling an enemy that I din't even know existed. Now that I do know, I can see many of my current shortcomings that I had no idea about, but it also brought up some new issues. Now I can see just how far away from others I reside, and each aspie is so different, we can't just couple up and have companions, in many cases all we share is a title. With understanding just how different I was (no really, get me to explain how I break down social interaction, it's fascinating for others and isolating for me) I now had something rather firm to be frustrated with. When I fuck up socially, it's in a way i have no idea of, in a very scary way for me. I can literally pull a complete blank if I'm in a social situation that I've never been in, never built up a behavior model for, I turn inward, like someone with a more serious case of autism. It's happened a few times and upset those close to me accordingly. Before I knew, I would just work on the issue at hand, but now I can see the frustrating pattern that has pledged my whole life, watch it pop up over and over, knowing that I'm screwing up in a way that very few others could. It's very isolating when you know that even when you mess up, you do it in your own way... This has led to breakdowns, something that I've rarely had happen before, something that other aspies that have been at this longer than I know all to well. I'm very new to this aspie thing, I'm frustrated, sometimes I'm scared that my loved ones will grow tired of this, they wont want to deal with it any more, they wont understand, the insecurities go on. I would like to end this rant with something like "but I'm better than that!" or "I have the courage..." but really, I have no other choice but to keep going. I know I have qualities that are brilliant and can far outweigh these hardships, but right now I'm rather small...

#aspergers #aspie #autism

[alt-experiment-blog]

How polyamory has touched me...

I have been through many stages in my short life, the majority of which have been heavily dampened by regretful actions and experiences, yet I have made a very active choice to not regret these things, or anything for that matter. I have been in stages where I was a complete asshat, disregarding the feelings of others and manipulating to get whatever I wanted. this was my primary form or social interaction, in retrospect it was terrible. I disrespected my wife, my parents, and so much more. It took many years and falling down far more than anyone would like. To look at it in a Freudian way, My childhood lacked affection. the typical story of my father leaving when I was three, and my mother quitting the olympics to work three jobs to raise me. There wasn't time for "me" in all those things. So If my childhood learning model didn't include how to love others and show affection, then I would be hard put to do the same in turn. It was after a rather brutal drop in 2010 that I had finally come to love other human beings in a way that was unlike anything else I had experienced. It was simply incredible, and since than I have known and shown affection on a scale that I would have previously thought either impossible, or wasteful. Expecting only pain in return for expressing myself so openly. Now I know that these fears were unfounded and detrimental to my happiness. It was with this quickening, realization, enlightenment, etc. that I also found I experienced a sort of "too much" affection, appreciation or love. Here's the parable I like to use: Here's a glass and a vase, there's more water in the vase than the glass can hold, so water spills out and is wasted. though you have a full glass of water, you are happy. But you feel in-content because there's water being wasted. So you get a second glass, and pour water in that as well. Now no water is being wasted and you have two glasses of water. Well that water is my love and affection, those glasses are two people that I care about deeply. In this situation, I find myself being content in a way that I never knew possible. I had spent much of my life being afraid of contentment, an unfounded fear of stagnation that I though came with that. Now I know from experience that this contentment has made me a better person, I could focus, I could give much of my self without loosing anything, I could smile with out holding back. I wasn't afraid of anything... Contentment felt good...

#polyamory #BDSM #love #nonmonogamy

[alt-experiment-blog]

On Talent...

if you train every day, you will dream of the movements that you have had difficulty of learning. For this, Budô's secret transmission appear as dreams of the gods. Miyamoto Musashi often was writing on his dreams. If you are decisive to do something, little by little there will come a way of understanding it. So those that do not have determination cannot acquire the secret transmissions. Some of them believe that you have that have talent to advance in the secret of the art, but the talent appears in dependence of your depth of practice, you should train harder.

#budo #martial arts #life #practice #training

[alt-experiment-blog]

From someone that has no idea how much they mean to me...

"This is your reborn, this is a renaissance, and like all the renaissance the pain is here, and we need the pain to understand the taste of the life, for you the light is here, so now is the moment to focus in the basics, stay in the shadow and cultivate the true humbleness in your heart............ for this i`ll help you the best that i can, keep in practice is very important that you keep in practice, God bless you." -Author kept anonymous

#martial arts #encouragement #pain

[alt-experiment-blog]

Coming out day?

So I woke up this morning to learn that there is a National Coming out day , and after reading a few peoples stories, I figure I would write mine as I haven't before now that I think about it... Like so many boys in this culture, I grew up with many homophobic friends, but this didn't bother me because I was straight. Though I did have those early-life experimental scenarios with a few friends, I was never attached to the practice. As I got older, the groups I hung out with changed (simply because I moved around Ontario quite a bit), and I made more and more friends that though they were straight, and fairly homophobic, they were comfortable with joking about being gay (In reference to themselves and each other). To this day, none of them are out, and I'm pretty sure they aren't hiding any of that stuff either... So that's how I originally became comfortable around LGBT individuals. I was straight, but comfortable about others choices, and it didn't make any sense to hate or judge others over this. Now, in the summer of 2010, I wen't through quite the break-down. I lost my job, hated my life, no longer loved my wife, struggled to be a good father, went to live on the streets of Toronto, and over all had a marry ol' time. It was around this time that I spent a lot of time evaluating myself, what I wanted in life, and what I had to do to get it. During that, I learned that I have come to be fairly indifferent to gender, aaand may have had a few crushes in that time... lol. Nothing happened (I SWEAR lol), as anyone that knows me knows that I get nervous and shy around those I have a thing for. My wife swears that I had gay tendencies all along, but from my perspective, it has been a developmental process, like everything in my life, there's always a sense of progress. Since she's bisexual too, this makes for a fun dynamic (I Love You!!!). So now I'm pretty much out, and identify myself as bisexual for ease of conversation. The only people that I'm not open about this with is my parents and in-laws. Fathers homophobic, and in-laws are Christian. My mothers the only one I consider telling out of that group because I know she can handle it, though it would take her some time... It's a bucket list item though lol. So I've had very little trouble with this part of my life (compared to some), as I'm only two years into identifying as a part of the LGBT community, and I generally know what kind of people to not be open with. There's been literally no incidents thus far.

#LGBT #coping

[alt-experiment-blog]

Hmm...

I might just be a little off and share some of my FetLife writings here...

[alt-experiment-blog]

What Time is it?

"Time is an unfathomable secret to him who is always in a rush. Time is a strange solver of problems which afflict mind and heart. Time is a comforter. Time is a friend." "Do not think that the darkness will never end. When the day dawns the sun will greet you from the east. The storm will not last forever. When it has passed a great calm will come." "Nothing is so strange as time. Time brings growth as a goal. Time transforms the child into a man and the fearful into the fearless. Time buries tyrants. In tune with time, wars end, the warrior finds peace, the sick are healed, the broken-hearted recover, the poignant pain caused by failure is cured, and light is again seen in the depths of shadow."

#time #help #freedom

[alt-experiment-blog]

That's pretty much how I see it, though I could elaborate into ridiculous detail based on the history and etymology of it all (that's how I define things for myself lol), but there's no way I'm doing that on my phone >.

Blah I just feel like talking about my day. TW discussion of self injury scars.

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>.

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Rofl

David Tennant after filming his final scene as the Tenth Doctor on Doctor Who.

[alt-experiment-blog]

I'm glad to see others sharing their day like this.

I wanted to mention that I am finding that it's not that we don't feel empathy, in fact I find I have a tremendous amount of empathy, and just so happen to suck when it comes to expressing my empathy. It's sympathy that I find I lack, and particularly as a mental block. Like the confusion that a father experiences from seeing his child for the first time. Like a sort of mental block.

Blah I just feel like talking about my day. TW discussion of self injury scars.

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[alt-experiment-blog]

The creator of Pokémon and Rodney Mullen... I didn't see them coming lol

I figured that I would make a list of well-known autistics so that I could refer to them whenever I felt that I needed to throughout the rest of this, or just for the sake of talking about them.

Real-Life Autistics

I’m going to start with John Elder Robison. He is the older brother of...

[alt-experiment-blog]

Well, there's more to it than that. I've personally dated a girl that could count into the twenties for past partners, but that didn't really bother me. It's the behavior that is stereotyped with "slutty" girls that is a considerable turnoff. Though its not easy to describe, one of my friends interacts with others through flirting; that was a turnoff.

I'm seriously against "slut-shaming", it simply does not bother me if my partner has far more experience than me (though I do have a proven track record of utterly destroying any performance standards that were previously set lol).

Fixed it.

#slut shaming #promiscuity

[alt-experiment-blog]

Wow! I can't say that I've been the target of hate violence, probably because neither my sexuality (pansexual) nor my disability (aspergers) is visible, but this makes a very serious point!

[alt-experiment-blog]

Today I visited a job placement agency of sorts, and I've been to many. It was striking because there was immediately a sense of caring. The venue was clean an painted in inviting colors, the computers were new, operating windows 7 (though some don't like it, it's a massive upgrade from 98 and XP that you see in most o these places), the walls weren't cracking, the chairs were comfortable, an so on. Even the staff was friendly, all have which, by blessing of their profession, worked with aspies many times. They understood the issues that I brought to the table and worked hard to work with me. They also informed me that ODSP (disability financial services in Ontario) don't only financially support people (which I am not interested in), but also work with employers to employ the disabled. This is rather exciting o me as it seems that I need just that kind of help! However, as I am one of the countless un-diagnosed cases, I needed to get signed off by some sort of official (doctor, chiropractor, etc.), whih I don't have... Back to square one...