Last Seen Blogs
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I'm scared that one day you'll realise I'm too broken to fix;
that I'm too much work to heal.
That one day you'll realise I cannot communicate because I'm far too scared of you leaving me.
I'm scared that one day you will stop seeing me through rose tinted glasses,
and see that all I am is shards of broken glass pieced together and barely holding on with PVA glue.
I'm scared that you'll hold my hand and find it too small,
too rough,
too soft,
too big,
too hard,
and too difficult to hold.
I'm scared that if you hugged me,
you'd find I'm not the right fit,
or that they aren't good enough to support you or hold you through the night.
I'm scared when you see me cry,
you'll see my eyes go red and my lips puff up for I feel all too much at once.
I'm scared that you'll leave when you see in person that I'm not good enough.
That I'm not perfect.
That I'm not pretty.
I'm scared I'm not good enough,
and that you'll leave and it'll be all my fault.
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And she'd sit in that field, facing the children with an expression filled to the brim with what could only be described as love... as she told the stories. The stories of them. Of her. And of the girl she had held hands with.
"And we'd run, and run, and run until the sun kissed the land and the moon rose to say it's words of sweet to us," she said, a sigh escaping her lips tugged into a smile.
She rose to her feet, dress picking up from the grass. She reached out and pulled a young girl to her feet, her hands clasping both of the young girls tenderly.
"And we'd dance! And spin and sing in the rain~" she mused, moving to twirl with the girl as the children erupted with laughter and her soul spread with warmth.
"Oh.. how I miss her.." a sigh escaped the woman as she moved to kneel before the young girl and tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear with a gentle expression.
"I wish she were here to witness such joy..." she explained, telling the children the stories that were desperate to be told. She was staring at the future, the children that would carry these stories close to their hearts and take them home to share with their parents..
"Why wont she witness it, miss?" A child asked, hand raised as he gently pushed past the other children.
"Yeah! Why wont she?" Another piped up..
then another.
And another.
The woman sighed and smiled kindly, her eyes shifting sadly as she carefully sat down.
"Well, my dear children... She went to a place that I cannot reach. But I can only imagine it's as lovely as your smiles.."
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Hey! Author here. Please be warned, this content is heavy. It has a lot of angst about my characters backstory and trust me, holding back is not a term i know. Please read with caution.
Untagged:
- ch!ld @bus3,
- almost dy!ng,
- uhh. Kn!fes
- gender dysphoria
Y'know. That stuff.
...............
Early morning seeped through the cracked and warped window to her room. She sat up carefully in her bed and her eyes roamed the room. Her vision restored and her body that of a child. Her innocent gaze looked around the room as her short messy hair fell Infront of her eyes. Willing herself out of bed, her little bare feet plopped on the floor with a gentle thud. Today was the day.
With anxiety burning her from the inside out, Shi crept out of her room so carefully that she was hyper aware of which floorboards creaked if she were to step on them. She’d snuck out of her room many times before, but this time was much different. A giddy excitement bubbled within her as she slipped silently into the storage closet under the stairs. Grabbing out an old dusty box, her little hand brushed off the dust. Crouched over the box, she lifted the lid of it’s mangled form and revealed a little dress her mother once wore around her age.
She’d known for a while that her mother had this, yet she was forbidden to wear girly things. Scooping the dress into her arms, she stumbled carefully back to her room; suppressing the smile that kept bubbling back and lightening her features…
Back in her room, she dressed herself and took the time to tie a neat little bow on the back of the dress with the loose curtains she’d torn down on a previous day. Although it was tainted and stained with red, she wrapped it around the pristine pink of the dress. Turning to face the mirror, hands curled to her chest, her eyes widened at the sight before her. Though her mirror was cracked and missing pieces, she could see her reflection perfectly.
She… looked just like a little girl. Given, starved, and bruised… She looked like a little girl. Inhaling shakily, she walked over to the mirror and pressed her palm to the one reflected. It was her. It was really her.
A giggle escaped her throat, a joyous little noise that lit up her expression and her little form. Spinning on her heel, the dress flowed effortlessly around her legs. Twisting and turning to see herself from all angles, she felt warm inside. All these years of being forced to wear boy clothes, learn boyish things, act boyish. She’d always felt… wrong. Anytime she was called a boy, a part of her died inside; strangled by the unrealistic expectations her parents held for her.
Blissfully unaware of the footsteps creeping up the hall to her room, she continued to twirl around with this newfound euphoria erupting within her soul.
The creaking of her door awoke her from her blissful haze, however. Whipping her head quickly around, her eyes fell upon the sight of her mother. A tall woman with features too sharp to match the personality she displayed to the world. Shi knew better than them. She knew the truth. Her mother stood there, expression blank at first before her eyes quickly darkened with hatred.
“M-mum, it’s n-not what it looks like… I-I just wanted to b-be pretty like you- I-“ Shi stammered out but was cut short by a large hand wrapping painfully tight around her wrist. Yanked forward, she stumbled into her mother with widened eyes. Pain erupted throughout her body as she collided with her mother’s larger form.
Her eyes stinging, she pulled with all her might after regaining her footing to try and get away from her mother. But to no avail. Instead, she felt a strike to her cheek; a pain she’d felt so many times before. Wincing, she tumbled down to the floor upon her wrist being released.
“How many times do I have to tell you to get it through your thick little disobedient skull?!” Her mother shrieked as she reached down to grab a fistful of Shi’s hair and pull her harshly back up.
“You. Are. Nothing. Unless we say so.” Her mother spat. Turning on her heel, she violently yanked Shi along by the hair out of her room and down the crooked hall of her home.
Shi screamed, tears falling down her cheeks in waves as she struggled and flailed against her mother’s force.
“P-Please!! Please!! Please!! Let me go!! P-Please!! I’ll do anything!!!” She choked out. Her body burned with adrenaline and was only fuelled by such. She’d do anything to live… Anything to keep going.
Her mother laughed. She… She laughed. Shi’s gut twisted violently, her eyes wide and glued to her mother. The next thing happened in a flash… Shi’s body was weightless for a moment, a ragdoll almost. She curled up instinctively. With a loud thud, an indescribable pain spread through her body, and she let out something between a scream and a groan of pain. At some point, she didn’t know when, she’d closed her eyes.
Opening them after a moment, she saw her mother’s face, obscured by shadows looking down at her pitiful form.
“I never wanted a daughter, I wanted a son,” her mother started “and yet, no matter how hard me and your father try, you always mess it up! You’re a worthless rat. You’re not my son, no matter how hard I tried to make you my son. You’re not my daughter. You’re not a part of this family.”
As those words reached Shi’s ears, her ears started ringing. Her chest tightened and her whole body felt weak. She stared in such disbelief; her mind going blank, and her vision obscured by a mix of tears and dizziness.
“m-mum-“ Shi started weakly, voice barely a whisper…
“AND STOP CALLING ME YOUR MOTHER.” Her mother yelled, making Shi whimper quietly in reply… Making her way down the stairs, the stomping and creaking of the steps alarmed Shi and she forced herself to stumble up to her feet; eyes spotting with black as she moved. Attempting to scramble away, her mother easily caught up to her. Yanked back, Shi screamed and thrashed as much as her body would allow her too, the pain a dull hum in her mind and body now.
She was dragged off once more through her home, the scenery a blur of memories to her. With no idea where she was going, she continued to scream and sob, throwing her body about in hopes of being released. Yet she was not. The dragging stopped but the hold on her wrist shot pain up her arm and rattled in her skull. Choking out sobs, her body convulsed in hopes of protecting itself from the threat… Her own mother.
Her mother’s screams demanding her to stop struggling fell deaf on her ears. She sobbed, and screamed, and thrashed. Her life depended on it, and she knew this all too well. Pushed to the floor, Shi stumbled backwards onto her butt and hitting her head roughly on the table leg. A sob tore from her throat and air was knocked forcefully out of her lungs.
Shi could’ve sworn she felt a coppery taste within her mouth; this taste sending an involuntary shiver down her spine. She sat there, her sight blotchy and skewed. She could barely work out the movement in front of her until it was too late. The distinct shiiiinngg of a knife being drawn echoed through Shi’s head, sending her fight or flight response into overdrive. Afraid for her life and forcing herself to move, she willed herself forward enough to scramble under the table. Her mother always had difficulty fitting or reaching under the table… It was one of the safest places right now. Which really revealed a lot about her situation.
Her adrenaline powering her every move, her eyes darted around frantically as she vaguely heard her mother’s frustrated cries through the ringing of her ears. Shutting her eyes, she curled in on herself. She hadn’t realised how much she was trembling until now. Her head hurt; her body ached.
….
Seconds felt like minutes that she was hiding under there. Head pounding and adrenaline flowing through every inch on her veins, she almost felt hyper aware yet so blind to the situation. The spots slowly cleared from her vision and the ringing in her ears slowly faded to a dull ringing. She then became aware of her breathing; shaky and loud. Loud. She was being loud. Quickly clasping her hands over her mouth to conceal her noises, she stared at the tablecloth that sealed her away from her mother…
She almost felt safe to leave. It had been what felt like hours of her sitting under that table… She leaned forward to start slowly crawling out of the table when the table went flying across the room. It hit the wall with a loud crash and Shi let out a scream of absolute terror. Her head whipped around to see her mother. It all happened in a blur. Her mothers arm came down, a shiny light a blurry as it came down across the left side of her face. Shi let out a guttural scream, her left eye blurred with red and the world a mess of blobbed colour. Her arms quickly went up to shield her face as her mother screamed and slashed at her.
The knife coming down roughly, almost unforgivably on her arms, she screamed until her throat ached and she felt like throwing up. She looked up at what was once her mother and quickly rolled to the side to doge the next strike, she went tumbling towards the front door in hopes for escape. She wasn’t safe. She was never safe…
She came close to the front door, a flimsy old thing… When she felt a violent push to her back. Tripping over, her face slammed into the wood of the floor with a loud thud. A mix of a scream and a sob erupted from so far within Shi she could’ve sworn it wasn’t herself. Her hair yanked back once more; she was forced to almost stand before she was roughly propelled towards the door. She slammed against it, and it opened quickly to let her tumble down the front steps of her house and onto the cold, wet grass of the world outside of her house.
“Don’t you dare come back you filthy piece of shit!!” Her mother screamed before shutting the door.
......
Shi awoke with a strangled gasp escaping her throat; hands clasping the scar running down her face.
After what felt like forever, she sat herself up and slumped against the wall to her room and made a promise to herself…
“…I will get out of here. And I swear to any gods. I will kill her.”
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