cerberin

[cerberin]

sometimes you need to cry. all day. for no real reason and every reason at exactly the same time

#i’m never coming off the pill again #that shit clearly made me numb #and that’s what i need in this dumb fuckin life #holy hell why am i remembering everything that’s ever happened to me #why do i feel like i never want to love again #AGAIN?? i could’ve just skipped the past four years if i was meant to feel like this #i already didn’t want to love i didn’t need a whole other person to show me the exact same lesson #lol #i’ve also been crying thinking about my brothers kids going to school and possibly getting bullied #or just being sad and stressed about exams and just life! #? #shits eating me up for no reason #lmao i could never be a mother the emotional turmoil is too much

[cerberin]

it’ll be a year soon

#i think it’s 3 weeks away? #from when we stopped talking #i’m kinda glad and sad at the same time #there’s a niggly part of me that still holds onto the 0.1% hope i have left #i know once it hits a year that it’ll be over with #i can’t let myself go back after that #i mean he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore anyway #he’s made it very clear how he feels about me and the idea of us getting back together #i guess part of me just doesn’t want to accept that it’s really all over #idk #kinda embarrassing really that i still feel so strongly for him when he literally told me he feels less for me now #and that was 6 months ago lmao #i’m probably nothing to him now #i’ve stupidly texted him a few times in the past few months and each time i felt like i was bothering him #i don’t know #i wish i felt the same about him as he does me #everything would hurt a whole lot less lol

[cerberin]

i still adore him

#it’s so fuckin boringggggg #was going through my notes snd i found one of a list of all the cute things he did #now it just makes me sad #it’s like a list of all the things that made me fall in love with him #and now it’s a list of all the reasons i miss him #funny how life goes #also been thinking about our minecraft server a lot #he dug a massive hole through a mountain and made transport #he made a cute house and a heart made of flowers #amongst many other things #he also figured out how we could fly home one time because i needed to sleep #idk #i love him so much #i’m still sad that it all ended #but there’s nothing i can do about it and that’s okay #i’ll learn to love someone else eventually #i just don’t know what to do with all the love i have for him in the meantime #it kinda pisses me off that he thinks i think he’s horrible #when i was always so clear and obvious about how i felt about him #so idk how he can say that #his actions aren’t a reflection of how i feel about him #they’re a reflection of how he feels about me? #idkkk #i’m sick as fuck right now so i’ve decided that’s why i’m being emo :)

[cerberin]

twitter goes too hard sometimes

#got me thinking about him telling me he gave up trying with us #searching that on our messages links to a convo we had in 2022 when we broke up then #he was much nicer about it then #it seemed like he was upset & cared about what was happening #a year later was much different #idk #i love him so much but i tried so hard #i really did #i wanted to learn everything about his triggers and his comforts so we could argue healthily #so we both had coping mechanisms and were both aware of what each other needed so we could work #that’s what being in a healthy relationship is #but when i asked he couldn’t answer me and i don’t think he was ever interested in what helped or triggered #me #even when i told him he told me he couldn’t do it #even though i knew he could because he’d done it when we first started talking for months on end #lol #i don’t know how he doesn’t see that being so avoidant is just a constant problem in his relationships #not even just romantic just all of them in his life whether he realises it or not #idk i’m just upset #i really wanted it to be him despite everything #i really truly loved him and it just didn’t matter #i see now that he just didn’t want to be with me #nothing i could’ve done would’ve changed that #i’m not as healed from all this as i thought

[cerberin]

my heart is sooooooooooooooo annoying

#i’ve been tryna sleep for three hours wooo #got me thinking about many things #one including how he seemed triggered the other day about some things we were talking about #upset at least #& it just makes me think of baby ben #it breaks my heart #& makes me wanna comfort him immediately #like i don’t even wanna be mad about the things that happened between us anymore #well tbf i’m not mad i just…? don’t trust him emotionally anymore…? #idk but thinking of baby him just makes me feel so BAD #like he’s just that little boy inside really #how can i be mad at that #i just want to love him? #this sounds more insane than it feels in my head #i guess i mean i just see his inner child and it makes me regret being mad and saying things i’ve said #which it shouldn’t because he hurt me and how can i betray the version of me that was so hurt back when it happened #by just allowing it #IDK ITS SO ANNOYING #he’s literally not even sorry #idk why i even think of his inner child fgs but w/e #i loved or love him too much ig #p #IDEK IT LITERALLY DOESNT MATTER #i don’t need to have a good relationship with him because we’re not in each others lives #there’s no reason to discuss or forgive the pain caused #if we decided to be friends or get back together then we’d have to but neither of those are ever going to happen so #🧘🏼‍♀️ #it’s literally only on my mind because of our convo the other day so #i need it to get out of my brain now i’m done thinking about shit i already put behind me pls TY

[cerberin]

i spent too long looking at some cute rings on tik tok and now they’re all over my fyp and every post has a different love song or a lil love quote from a movie playing and AHHHHH

#they do rings inspired by birth month of couples and it’s so cuteeeeeee #the songs n stuff getting me fucked upppppp #also just instantly started looking for ours #oops #have i screenshot it to show him to see if he thinks it’s ugly #or cute #yes #will i ever actually show him #no!!!! #also future jodie it’s called sweetpeeps on tok ok bye #i’ll buy one for MYSELF one day

[cerberin]

how to make money if I’m the most useless person in the world  *google search*

[cerberin]

why am i crying about the squid

#it breaks my heart & makes me happy at exactly the same time every time i see the squid still on his tv #it’s so adorable of him #it means so much to me #i’m not sure it should but it does #if he did take it down i know i’d be so upset when i have zero right to be #idk #just reminds me how much i love him when i see it #and how sensitive he is deep down #i hope he’s doing okay #i hope he’s happy #feels like i’m gonna miss him forever at this rate but that’s okay #i enjoyed the years i had with him #even the bad times #the 👁️🌫️🐑 still tickles #me #i love him so much #i’m sad that i have to let that love go #p

[cerberin]

i don’t need an excuse

#why did that hurt so much #i cried on my birthday because he didn’t message #me #after all i did for his birthday #after everything he’d done with blocking me and being so fucking cold #and everything inbetween #then he texts me the week before my birthday #and he’s still using the same old shit of i said we can’t message #like it was ever my choice #idk #it hurts so much that he’s just said that #lmao

[cerberin]

there’s not a doubt in my mind that i could love him forever & that’s the worst part

#he is so lovable #it’s so draining #how to lose my love for him when it doesn’t deserve to be lost #idk #i just did a lash lift and i can’t get my eyelashes wet for 24hrs so ofc my brain goes straight to how much i miss him ahahaa #p

[cerberin]

it’s been a year since we last saw each other

#ahah #fuck snapchat #the videos and pictures hurt #i really wanted to message him but i can’t #he ignored me on league when i did #i think he’s done talking to me now #p

[cerberin]

stupid ryan playing juice in the car

#MAN #first he plagues my spotify #now i’m stuck listening to it #managed to avoid this shit for so long like pls #remove the memories i don’t want them #don’t wanna be sad on a night out!!! #flaws and sins too like pls fuck OFF #p

[cerberin]

why is listening along to spotify on discord so intimate??

#i keep forgetting spotify shows up when i set my discord as online zzz #had two new friends i don’t know too well randomly listening to my playlist earlier #which most of my songs are soppy or about heartbreak SO #THEY DONT KNOW ME LIKE THAT #but also? #kinda cute as fuck? #got told it’s a good playlist twice 🫡 #BUT ALSO #felt stressed and kept skipping songs i thought they wouldn’t like #first dude caught me listening to my cute playlist last week and called me soppy poppy #so embarrassing he was listening to it cuz they’re all so mushy and this guy is INSANE #like fully insane angry man #listening to my??? shut up ily? lips so sweet like a pink starburst?? ass songs?? AHHA #funny #idk #it’s the small things in this silly little life

[cerberin]

9 months ago i was so sad and distraught but now!!! now i’m so much better!! and i’m happy!!

#it gets better! #it always gets better! #i still get sad about him and miss him sometimes and get angry about things i thought i had healed from #but i’m so much better than i was #i feel so much lighter and i feel ready to embrace new love when it comes!! #it’s okay it didn’t work out! #it never really seemed like it would anyway #i had fun with him and there’s no point regretting it #love will come again! #and i’ll be ready #it’s time to let the love i have for him go #and that’s okay!! #when he face times me i feel it all rushing back and i need to stop letting it #he doesn’t want to be together and i can’t be how we were again so!! #there’s no point holding onto it so tightly #letting go just gives room to love the person i am meant to be with #loss of my love is not my loss #p

[cerberin]

i act like i hate valentine’s day but really it’s so cute and i love love

#flowers and cute messages and dates?? #heart shaped chocolates and teddy bears?? #all coming from love?? #it’s too cute #one day i will get IT #one day i will find the love that’s just for me #i will love the mf just as much back!!! #how exciting!!

[cerberin]

i always end up feeling stupid

#every single time i let him back in and let him get exactly what he wants #he gets his fun and leaves again #and then i feel like i’ve erased all of my progress getting over him #he kept asking me to go see him #i explained i couldn’t because of how horrible saying goodbye and dealing with the effects would be #he said but he’d have fun #that’s all it’s ever about #him and his fun #i was clearing out my notes and it’s been the same since 2022 #we were arguing about going on holiday and spending two weeks together acting like a couple just for him to not feel any different #when i know i would just fall more in love with him #whatever he feels for me i know it isn’t love #he doesn’t care about how i feel or about how much this all hurts #he knows i love him and he knows he doesn’t feel the same #i don’t know why he doesn’t just leave me alone #why he fills my head with shit just to rip it all away #our whole relationship i have been chasing his love and it was never there #i can’t do it anymore #i can’t reply to his drunk texts anymore #i know the same cycle will just keep happening and i can’t do it #i want to move on and be in a relationship with someone who actually loves me and wants to be with me #i’m tired of hoping that it would be him #i’ve accepted that we want different things and that we can’t be together because of it #now i need to follow through and not reply again #every time he texts i get excited to talk to him but i know it’ll just end up with me being sad again every single time #and i finally feel like i can do it so #i’m improving #p

[cerberin]

finally reached the point where i don’t want him or us back anymore

#my mind has been racing all night about how horribly he treated me #all the things he did that hurt me #i spent so much time and energy trying to make us work #for years we argued about the same thing #me not feeling loved by him lol #now i realise that the answer was right in front of me #it’s not that he didn’t know how to say or show his feelings #he just didn’t have them for me anymore #i don’t think he ever loved me #he was infatuated for a short while #then he wasn’t #his actions showed me the whole time and i didn’t listen #he never loved me #even since he left he’s treated me like shit #hurt me again and again #it all just proves it #i’m just fun to talk to and then easy to ignore and dispose of until he’s bored or lonely again #no matter what he said #it wasn’t love #p