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cherryyhoneyyy · 6 years

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I have always loved you - Thorki

Loki felt endless guilt on his shoulders. He wanted nothing more than to apologize to Thor. Thor felt nothing but regret weighing on his chest, he told deaf ears he was sorry every day.

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"I might give you a hug if you were actually here."

"I'm here."

The memory was nothing but distant despite it only happening a handful of days ago. It was like a meadow of sunflowers compared to the present situation. How Loki wished to reverse time, go back to the memory. Spill all his feelings as Thor held him in his massive arms full of relief. He longed to apologize over and over again for the endless pain, tell Thor of the constant guilt that hung over his small shoulders. A universe of pain that rested on one small pair of shoulders. Some he'd caused, some he has earned, and some that had been inflicted in his years of life.

Now in this moment, he could only think of the happy moments in life. Him and Thor growing together, training together, actually caring about each other. He couldn't think about his betrayal, his anger, his jealously. He remembered Frigga teaching him the art of magic and Odin preaching to both Thor and him about what it meant to be a king. The happy memories seemed endless now, he began to wonder how he was caught up in all the bad one's so quickly. How he had cast aside everything good to him. His mother and father both gone and now all of Asgard. And soon if he didn't act, himself and Thor.

Loki wanted to live.

He wanted to carry on and fix his horrible acts. He wanted to spend his time with Thor like they once had together. To Loki, that was too much to ask. He was already burdened with guilt the size of the universe. As he gazed at Thanos and his minions he had never wanted to live more. Being in front of the ones that has tortured him until he had lost most of his humanity, that convinced him to destroy New York like he would get some time of positive feeling from seeing people suffer. In truth, he thought if Thor could understand his pain he would feel better but it didn't. It made him feel worse seeing Thor heartbroken over his actions, looking at him with such disappointment and hurt.

Again Loki wanted to go back in time and tell Thor all his feelings but he quickly casted aside that thought. The past couldn't be changed and the present decides the future. Loki's blue eyes shifted to Thor whom was as tattered and beat up as him. Thanos held him like a ragdoll which only managed to infuriate Loki further.

Loki wasn't native nor was he stupid. He knew first hand what Thanos and his minions were capable of. All he had to do was look around him and see the destruction of the Asgardians.

His gaze shifted from Thor to Thanos and he tilted his head. He knew Thanos' only goal was the Tesseract and Loki would not be handing it over so easily. The giant already wielded one, Loki couldn't imagine the power of two. It was unthinkable of the likes of him having the power of the universe. Although Loki knew not of his goal, he knew he would pursue it no matter the cost. Even if that meant wiping out entire races, planets, perhaps even a solar system. Loki looked upon the giant with utter fearlessness. The universe didn't have time for cowardness nor second guessing. The fate of the universe rested on Loki's strong shoulders.

"We have a hulk."

Then Loki found himself throwing his body into his brother and the rest after that was a blur. To this day Loki could only remember small details. Bits and parts here and there. He tried his hardest to block out any moments but still he awoke at night, sweating and panting. The memory in his dreams was real and accurate but as soon as he would awake the memory would leave him. The only thing left in his body was fear. He often found himself hiding his face in the closet softest thing, usually his blanket and he wept. There was no one there to comfort him or tell him it would be okay. Mostly because he believed it wasn't okay.

Years had went by and with those years so had his reason for living. That day on that ship with his brother and Thanos had been the death of him. Not physically. Mentally, emotionally. It broke every aspect of him. On that day with fire raging around him, he had to witness his only hope in life die. His only reason for wanting to be good, gone. His only reason to keep going, gone.

Loki was not like Thor. He was not strong. He did not have friends. He didn't have a world to protect. He didn't have a purpose. Not anymore. He had found his resolve on that ship and lost it only seconds later. He wanted to live for Thor. He wanted to correct his mistakes for Thor.

The broken prince turned onto his side has his tears slowed. He wiped his puffy eyes and took a deep breath. This was almost a daily occurrence. The pain. The pain was endless. Loki wanted to die. Loki wanted to return to Thor so they might again embrace each other. The only reason he hadn't thought to end it all was because Loki thought this was his punishment. He believed he deserved this pain and suffering. He had hurt Thor and so many others over and over. Killed dozens without a second thought, he deserved this.

"I deserve this."

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Thor walked into the large, white building like he had almost every day. He tried not to miss going there. He was always anxious and worried when he entered. He had a coffee in his hand and he drank it to sooth his nerves as he walked to the receptionist. They were well acquainted by now. "Mrs. Banner, how are you today?" Thor greeted with a fake smile that he had learned to perfect. The woman gave him a smug look her face speaking 'really?'. She was a young woman with strawberry blonde hair. Her attitude was aggressive but from what Thor could tell she was very loyal and caring to the patients and family members. "I've told you many times to just call me Natasha, honestly." She rolled her eyes like it really bothered her that much. "I'm only 26, being called misses makes me feel like a 40 year old soccer mom. I'm not at that point yet." She joked causing Thor to chuckle. By now he had signed in and glanced up at her. "How is he?" He asked already knowing the answer. "Still breathing." Natasha answered. They exchanged a look, her gaze full of sympathy. This happened everyday. He would ask and it was always the same response.

He gave her a quick goodbye and thank you. He told her he'd talk more on his way out which she responded with a sassy 'whatever you say'. Thus Thor found himself wandering the all too familiar halls. These halls were coated with white paint, the tile was white and the ceiling was white. Everything around was pure, the setting a hospital should have. His shoes tapped as he walked to the elevator. This was his daily route. Receptionist desk, hall, elevator, hall, agony. That's how it always went.

Thor really hated the hospital, it reeked of sickness and fear. He didn't like being helpless to all these people, he wanted to help but he had no power. The elevator stopped on the third floor and let him out. He followed the perfect white tiles all the way to room 316. His blue eyes glanced into the room through the glass beside the door. There laid his precious Loki. Sleeping. For what seemed like eternity.

It took Thor a moment to work up the courage to walk in as it did everyday. When he finally entered the room he went to replace the water for Loki's flowers that constantly sat beside him, giving him an excuse not to look at Loki just yet. Once he was finished procrastinating he slowly turned his electric blue eyes to Loki's sleep figure.

He sat on the edge of Loki's bed, carefully, and took his unmoving hand in his. His eyes traced Loki's beautiful face, Thor always thought he had the most precious smile that stretched from cheek to cheek when he was truly happy. He missed that smile. He missed Loki's voice. He missed everything that had to do with Loki. Thor's fingers twisted a strand of soft black hair. Loki's hair had grown a lot, it was halfway down his chest by now but Thor refused to have it cut. Loki was perfection no matter how he looked.

He sighed and ran a hand through his short hair. He looked out the window and realized he had left his coffee with Natasha. It dawned on him how tired he really was. He looked down at Loki and lifted his arm to wrap around himself. Thor placed his head on Loki's shoulder and held the younger man close. He missed getting an embrace back but holding Loki was enough for now. Slowly his eyes closed and he drifted asleep. For now he would forget about the pain and agony and focus on nuzzling his face in Loki's smooth locks.

He awoke to shuffling and a little bit of beeping. Quite unwillingly he opened an eye to see Loki's doctor. "Hey Dr. Banner, how's he doing?" Thor asked, regretfully sitting up, away from Loki's warmth. Loki, of course was still sleeping as Thor held his hand and rubbed his knuckles with his thumb.

"He's doing better, last night he had a sudden shockwave of brain activity, it gave me quite a scare. It seems like good news. Brave wave activity could mean he's starting to wake up from his coma." The doctor informed. Loki's doctor was a middle aged guy who was kinda hunky. He was the reason he got along with Natasha so well, considering the two were married.

The news made Thor lighten up, his eyes showing hopefulness. "He could really wake from his coma?" He asked Bruce, sounding like a little kid in a candy store. The thought that Loki might wake up overwhelmed him. The doctor put down his clipboard and began to take his patients vitals. "It's not my intention to give you false hope. Loki has been in this comatose state for over a year, we can't get too excited to tell what a little brain wave activity means. For now we just have to keep praying." Bruce told Thor in which the younger man nodded understanding. The doctor gave Thor a pat on the shoulder and Thor nodded at him. "Thank you Dr. Banner. For all your help." Thor said and the man smiled. "Its my job" He said and walked out of the room closing the door behind him.

Now alone again, Thor could only stare at Loki's sleeping face. He recalled the events that led up to Loki's accident. They were living together and like all lovers, they were fighting. It was about Thor's father who didn't approve of their relationship. His father had disrespected Loki and numerous times had put both of them down and condemned them. Thor wanted to stop his father but he couldn't, they were still family and he could never speak ill to his father but Loki could. Loki and Odin didn't get along one bit and Loki resented Odin.

Thor was stuck in between, he loved Odin as his father and Loki was his lover- his boyfriend, whom he really wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He wanted the two to get along. He remembered how happy Loki was when he told him they were going to take a vacation, let out some stress. Loki had given him that smile of pure happiness that he adored. Thor should've known Loki would lash out in anger when he found out the trip was actually going to be with his parents.

They argued for hours and hours. Thor couldn't understand why Loki didn't want to make things work, Thor couldn't understand how Loki could be so selfish. All he was asking for was a little compromise. When Thor raised his voice and started cursing it was so surprise that Loki grabbed his motorcycle helmet, slipped on his jacket and left for the cold of winter to talk him.

Thor had been so infuriated he hadn't even thought about the consequences. A motorcycle speeding in anger in the cold of a winter's night. How could he have been so stupid? He got the call only an hour or two later and rushed to the emergency room. He found Loki was still in surgery. Internal bleeding, severe head trauma, and so much more. He remembered seeing Loki's lifeless fingertips slip from the table only to be put back into place by one of the many nurses. In that moment Thor could only hope and pray. He could only stand and wait. He waited an eternity. His heart racing, his eyes tearing. When the doctor came and told him Loki was in stable condition, relief flooded Thor and he couldn't wait for Loki to wake up. Then the news followed that there was a chance Loki might not wake up.

And here they were, Loki still in his eternal sleep. All his cuts and bruises had long healed leaving his face pure in its beauty. Thor was filled to the brim with guilt. He knew Loki's parents died when he was only a child. He never experienced parental love and care and Odin rejected him without giving him a chance. Thor cursed himself for not realizing it sooner, Loki only wanted acceptance. He cursed himself for trying to force Loki when in reality he should've been forcing his father. He loved Loki, too much that he had taken it for granted. He didn't realize what he had lost until it was lifeless and immobile.

Thor longed so badly to reach out and shake Loki until he woke up. To tell him how sorry he was and how much he loved him. Thor wanted to express how he loved Loki so so so dearly. He regretted not doing it when he still had the chance. He wanted Loki to tell him it would be okay, that he was forgiven. This weight of guilt on his chest was too heavy. It was crushing his heart.

Thor snapped out of his thoughts of guilt and grief when the tips of Loki's eyes began to water. This happened occasionally. Loki would cry in his sleep, which only told Thor they were both suffering. Before the tear could slid down Loki's cheek, Thor took his sleeve and wiped away the liquid. His hands moved to cup Loki's face gently and softly he pressed their lips together.

"I'm so sorry Loki." He said as he always did. As expected there was no answer.

The days blurred into weeks and everyday he visited Loki in hopes a new day would bring good news. One particular day when he walked into the hospital, he saw Natasha's eyes snap onto him. "Don't bother signing in. Go. Hurry." Her voice was full of urgency that made Thor's stomach do a flip flop. He didn't even question, he flew to the stairs. The elevator would be too slow.

His heart was pounding out of his chest of what he expected, his stomach was caught in his throat as he raced to room 316. Could Loki actually be awake? Could he finally say what he needed too? Thor ran down the hall and slammed open the door to Loki's room. He stared for a second. Loki was sitting up facing away from him towards Dr. Banner. "Thor-" Bruce wouldn't have time to finish as Thor was already kneeling in front of Loki, his eyes full of every emotion under the sun. "Loki? Loki. Please it's me." Thor pleaded. The Loki he saw now was different, his eyes were dull. It was like his body was moving but his mind hadn't fully awoken. His eyes didn't move to look at Thor.

Thor gripped Loki's shoulders desperately and turned to look at Bruce. "What's wrong with him!?" He shouted helplessly. "I've never seen anything like this. It's like he's sleep walking. His mind isn't fully conscious but his body is active and moving. His pupil's are barely responding to light which means he's barely awake." Bruce explained. Thor contemplated for a moment before looking back into Loki's eyes and gripped his face tightly. "Loki please, it's me. Loki, can you hear me? It's Thor."

Loki's eyes flashed in a sparkle of awareness. Slowly, shakily, his slender arms wrapped around Thor's shoulders loosely and he leaned into his lover. "T.. Thor.." Loki muttered weakly. Thor could've been jumping for joy, he embraced Loki tightly and buried his face into his lovers shoulder "yes yes, its me Loki." He responded, gripping at the cloth of Loki's gown.

Loki only tightened his arms around Thor. His awareness coming back slowly. "I-i... I thought you were dead.. I saw you die.." He sobbed into Thor's shoulder. "What are you talking about?" Thor asked softly and slowly pulled back to look Loki in the eyes. He stared into those beautiful orbs he longed to see for so many months. "Thanos.. He, he killed everybody. What happened to Asgard? Where is this place?" Loki was stuttering nonsense that Thor didn't understand.

"Loki I'm right here." He said taking his lovers hand. "The hospital you're in right now is called Asgard. You've been here for almost two years. Loki, do you not remember your accident?" Thor asked and wiped away Loki's heartbreaking tears. "A-accident?" Loki stuttered trying to remember. He reached up and gripped his head. "Thanos.. The infinity stone.. Living without you? I lived through all of it" He said, looking at Thor half expecting him to disappear any moment and wake up from another nightmare. "That can't be possible, I dreamed about your death every night, I-i cried everyday. Everything with Odin, and Midgard. I-i wanted to tell you how sorry I was for it. I was living my punishment.. For everything I did to you." Loki bursted into full on tears and sobbed. Thor moved forward and hugged Loki tightly.

"Loki, I promise, it was only a dream. You were in a car accident on your bike. We were arguing about my father." Thor said the details vaguely trying to get Loki to remember. Loki starred at him with tear filled eyes of guilt and hurt. "You wanted Odin and I to get along by going on a trip with all four of us.. I remember some.." Loki said unsure of himself. He saw flashes of Thor screaming at him, he remembered grabbing his helmet and slamming the door. He remembered bright lights before everything went dark.

Thor was beyond happy Loki was awake but they had a lot to talk about. Everything before and what they would do from now on. "Loki, will you lie down?" Thor asked softly, he didn't want the younger man to push himself. Loki shook his head no furiously and Thor quickly hugged him. "It's okay, I'm right here." Thor said once more and eased Loki to lie down. Thor sat in the chair next to Loki and they held hands tightly. Dr. Banner had already long left, giving them their privacy although he would be in soon to check on Loki.

"Loki I'm so sorry. I tried to force you to like my dad even though he was the source of the problem. I blamed you, and thought of you as selfish. I'm so sorry I did that. I see now, you only wanted acceptance, to be loved. I'm sorry, if only I had realized sooner. No amount of apologizes could make up for how I've made you feel... Loki, you mean everything to me, I'm sorry it took me till loosing you to figure that out. I love you more than I can comprehend." He said and leaned against their enclosed hands, letting out a gentle cry. He had been holding in these feelings for almost two years. He wanted to say these things so bad, he craved forgiveness.

"Thor, it's not your fault. If I hadn't acted like a child thing's wouldn't have ended up this way. In my dream... I truly believed you had left me, you had died and I cried everyday. I wanted to tell you how sorry I was for betraying you and hurting you over and over. Now I see that that was my brains cooping mechanism of some sort. Everyday I believed I deserved the suffering I was enduring. The suffering of how I couldn't tell you how sorry I was. I'm sorry Thor, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I made you angry, I'm sorry I rejected your wishes. I wish nothing but to make you happy but I failed. I'm so sorry.." He choked on a sob and Thor quickly moved up and hugged him tightly like he could never let go.

Loki's arms wrapped around Thor as tightly as he could and together they cried. Of happiness. Of sadness. Of guilt and pain. But for the first time in what seemed like eternity, it was in each others arms.

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