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comradekatsu · 4 years

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“you’re dead to me.”

“I don’t know what you’ve been told,” Deku started, spitting the words out with malice, “See, I am not your enemy.” “Oi, what the fuck are you talking about, ner-” “But if there’s one thing that I know, it’s that you’re not a friend of me.”

a bkdk fic inspired by dead to me by kali uchis

word count: 1.9K

CW: anger issues, angst, not a happy ending, cursing, romantic if you squint

A/N: this is my first fic on here! i guess we could start off with a bang, huh? i also posted this to ao3, under the username greenolivetree. im looking forward to writing more in the future! i’ll probably do both ships and x reader stuff :) and maybe later today i’ll post a get to know me, haha. enjoy!

Bakugo can admit when he goes too far. He’s brash, stubborn as fuck, angry, and loud, but if he fucks up too much, he can recognize that. Perks of having human empathy mix in with your anger issues, you know when you’re in the wrong in the middle of an argument. His friends don’t mind, they know him. Kirishima would pull him aside and make him breathe. Kaminari will whisper something about not needing to prove himself all the time and to drop it. Mina and Sero deal with the aftermath of Bakugou blowing up on someone. However, sometimes, his friends aren’t there.

They had a plan. When given ten minutes of prep time, they drafted an intricate plan that would take less than thirty minutes to complete. It was sprung on Class 1-A, and anything that was not planned set Bakugo on edge. He already had Kaminari tell him to calm the fuck down the second he heard Aizawa explain the mission. The two were halfway through their plan, and Deku tripped on a piece of debris.

“Can you get it fucking together, Deku? Damn it,” He snapped, the tension in his chest building bigger and bigger by the second. If he didn’t say anything, it would physically pain him. When he’s angry and does nothing, it felt like a python squeezing his heart. Bakugou usually resorted to things like breaking hangers in his closet, but it was training, and there was nothing to break. “God, you can’t be this fucking incompetent. How’d you even make it this far in life?”

He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. He panicked, racking his brain for something to say that would soften the blow but not compromise his ego. Bakugo couldn’t come up with any. He froze, the pressure in his chest increasing, trying to think of anything to say that wasn’t harsh. His mind wasn’t merciful. All the ash-blond could think of was how easy, how fucking simple their mission was and Midoriya kept ruining his plan. It wasn’t fucking rocket science, so why couldn’t he get it? Was Deku trying to sabotage Bakugou? Why wasn’t he following the fucking plan? Katsuki just wanted the thoughts to stop, so he could say something--anything, anything that could not make him look like a vile human being for lashing out.

All Katsuki could do was stand dumbly in the middle of the training. They sent him and Midoriya to a makeshift building, paired together, with the instruction of saving hostages. The kidnappers were Eraserhead and All Might, with the hostages being general study course kids who wanted the extra credit. Midoriya looked at him, stonefaced. This was an unnatural reaction for Deku, who usually just rolls his eyes and tells him to focus on the mission. He was simply standing still, staring at Bakugo with wide eyes. Not the wide eyes of someone who was scared of him, no, someone who was tired. Exasperated. Exhausted by his actions.

“I don’t know what you’ve been told,” Deku started, spitting the words out with malice, “See, I am not your enemy.”

“Oi, what the fuck are you talking about, ner-”

“But if there’s one thing that I know, it’s that you’re not a friend of me.” Bakugo stopped breathing for a second. He went too far. What did Kirishima say about breathing? He tensed up, balling his hands into fists to relieve the rage that was burning inside of him. Kirishima said to breathe in for eight, hold for four, out for eight. He could do that. Breathe. Bakugo can breathe.

He considered Midoriya a friend these past few months. They’ve grown close, been nicknamed The Wonder Duo. They haven’t had a sole mission together before, and of course, that’s when Bakugo couldn’t control himself. High pressure, a low consequence for snapping. He just assumed that something like this could be looked past. Bakugo knows, when he’s not clouded with rage, that it is not anyone’s responsibility to cater to him. Bakugo has to hold back, not others. Sometimes it gets too much too fast and he just… can’t hold back. This was one of those times, as he stared into the emerald eyes he’s grown to be fond of. His childhood best friend, who’d fought and crawled his way into a soft spot in Bakugo’s heart, even if he didn’t understand Bakugo as Kirishima or Kaminari did. Deku was still someone he’d cared for. A little too much.

Bakugo just wished anger had a filter. No matter the closeness, anyone was subject to it at one point or another. It made him weak, it made him cruel. People thought he was heartless. Maybe he deserved it. He didn’t like being vulnerable, only a few people at few times get to see him like that. Calm down.

Bakugo breathed out. “What are you talking about?”

Deku just stared at him. It was then Katsuki noticed the tears streaming down his cheeks, he hadn’t realized because his face was neutral, lips pressed in a line. Midoriya’s tears gave away what he was feeling. He took off his mask that hung from his neck, holding it gently in his hands. Midoriya’s eyes tore away from Bakugo’s to stare at it for a moment, contemplating. Bakugo’s chest was close to collapsing in on itself, anger inflating like a balloon. He just wanted it to stop. He wanted to pop the balloon, to get his mind to stop racing with insults and berating comments and intrusive thoughts for two fucking minutes so he could keep Deku from saying what he’s going to next. It doesn’t work that way.

He remembered the first time he realized that this was a problem. It was after Bakugo had fought those fourth graders (and won), but still went home with that now-familiar aching feeling in his chest. Bakugo ignored his mother and stormed up into his room, slamming the door shut. He replayed the scene over and over in his mind until his Quirk activated and suddenly he was punching a hole in his wall and the entire drywall crumbled where he stood. Mitsuki was thankfully outside his door, quick to take him and run before any debris hit him.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” She asked, softly caressing the dust off of his face. Mitsuki wasn’t mad, just concerned.

“They bumped into me, I didn’t bump into them. They bumped into me, I promise, why would they say that,” he mumbled, refusing to make eye contact.

“Baby,” Mitski whispered, wiping the last of the dirt on his face. No hug. She stood up and walked away from him. “I need to call the police. We need to get you a new wall.”

Bakugo shifted back to reality as Deku cleared his throat with passive-aggression. He hadn’t meant to zone out. Bakugo had a tendency to dissociate when angry, to the point where he’d be lost in his daydreams in an attempt to calm down. This can last from minutes to days. Usually, Kirishima or Kaminari grounded him.

“Kacchan,” Midoriya whispered, realizing that Bakugo wasn’t listening, “You… you just don’t care… you… you…!”

“I what? Come on!” Now that he was fully alert, Bakugo was yelling at this point. “Spit it the fuck out! Come on, Deku, if you’re so big and fucking tough, say it!” He couldn’t control his words. Katsuki just wanted to shut himself up. “Not a friend to me… tch. Oi, at least I’m not so fucking sensitive I cry at a single fucking sente-”

“You’re dead to me!” Midoriya screamed, louder than Bakugo had heard before. His voice cracked on every word, denting his mask from how hard he gripped it.

The balloon in his chest popped.

“You’re obsessed, you keep comparing yourself to me. I’ve never treated you like you treat me, Kacchan! You don’t treat Kirishima, Kaminari, Todoroki, no one! You’re so threatened by me, you think I’m out to get you. I’ve done nothing but love you for years, and you still treat me like I’m nothing! I can’t handle you anymore. Just because you can’t be fucking normal and nice to others, doesn’t give you the excuse to be a bad friend! For what? Class rank? You’re obsessed, just let it go,” Deku said, closing his eyes tight. It was as if he’d been thinking this for a long time. “You’re dead to me.”

Bakugo was suddenly hyper-aware of everything around him. He could hear every creak in the building, the hum of the AC, the way Midoriya’s feet shifted on the floor. His costume was too tight, too fucking tight, Bakugo felt like he couldn’t breathe. His wrists ached by being weighed down, something that doesn’t usually happen. He could smell the dust in the air, the fresh coat of paint that they’d put on the walls for the training. The ringing in his ears grew to the front of his head and it was too much, it was all too much. He put his fists to his neck, squeezing slightly.

“You’re just saying that,” he grumbled.

“I’m not somebody you know.”

“Stop it!” He yelled, hitting his neck with his fists. Angry tears fell down his face, but he was quick to rub them off. “You don’t mean that! I do know you, I do! Fuck!” Katsuki reached out his hand to grab onto Midoriya’s arm.

“Could you just leave me alone?” Midoriya yanked back, throwing his mask at the taller boy. He looked up to a camera watching them. “Exam over. We failed. I’m going to the dorms. Let me out.”

“You can’t just fucking fail me! Over that?” What Bakugo wanted to say was that he was sorry, he wanted to make it up to him, he knows he fucking sucks-- but nothing of the sort came out of his mouth. “Don’t you dare fucking open up any doors!” He yelled to the ceiling, not really sure who he was yelling to. As long as it wasn’t Midoriya. “Fuck you! Don’t fucking fail me! Stop it! Stop!” Heavy tears pounded on his cheeks like rain.

“Let me out!” Midoriya said once more, and a voice sounded over the intercom.

“Well… we can’t just keep students hostage. Follow my voice and you’ll be taken to the exit,” Gang Orca said. His voice was taken aback like no student had done this before. Especially not in the 1-A class. They usually just fought through their problems.

“Don’t go. Please, Izuku, please,” Bakugo begged, his voice small. He didn’t feel mad anymore. Bakugo messed everything up. If he could control himself, it wouldn’t get to this. If he could just apologize, everything would be okay. But he can’t, and he has to deal with the consequences. One of the only times his mother consolidated him for his problems, the only piece of advice she gave him, was that no one owed him their patience. He has to overcome it himself, because she won’t take him to a therapist. How could the future number one hero have a mental health record? Bakugo had to deal with it. And, he was doing a horrid fucking job at it.

Midoriya smoothed out his hero costume and walked towards the door. The green-haired boy turned around right before he left.

“You’re dead to me, Bakugo.” Midoriya’s voice held some eery form of finality. He spun on his heel and left the building, leaving Katsuki alone. If Katsuki sobbed alone until he had to be forced by All Might to leave for the next pair, no one had to know.

#bakudeku #bakudeku fic #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #my hero academia #bkdk #i wanted to write about anger issues bc a lot of people villainize them #and as someone with anger issues... there's a lot of bad takes on here #boku no hero academia

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