duhnix

[duhnix]

Back at it

This is something I can pause. <pause> LOL

[duhnix]

ewan ko lang kung binubuksan mo pa to pero ok lang naman kahit hindi na hindi naman ako magtatanong. Gusto ko lang magpasalamat. yun lang :)

So I just decided to open this again, and maybe update it. depende sa sipag ko and sa mood ko. sana. salamat saan though?

[duhnix]

Kwento Nating Wala

Nanuod ako ng palabas.

“Ang Kwento Nating Dalawa”

Kwento nga naman nila.

Umuwi ako ng bahay,

At nagbasa ng tula.

Kwento nyo namang dalawa.

Ngayon may gusto ‘kong kwento,

Yung may pangalawa,

Pero saka na lang pala.

Wala tayong magiging kwento,

Kahit isulat ko pa.

Dahil andyan silang dalawa.

[duhnix]

So I’ll be writing again

There are a lot of things I wanted to start again. I hope this time I would be able to continue and finish what I am about to start. There are 2 things, or make it three important things I wanted to do these days.

First, I wanted to either learn doing and enjoying the things I don’t used to. I was thinking, either I learn to cook or learn to enjoy reading fiction. I want to train myself to do things even if I do not feel like doing it.

Second, I wanted to improve on my craft. I want to have time to read non-fiction books. I’d like to start of with either advertising and marketing, or management and leadership. I wanted to be the best in my field.

Third, I don’t want to settle. I wanted to improve myself and make a better version of me. I wanted to become the person who I want to be. Successful, career-oriented, passionate, and practically luxurious.

Pero sino nga ba si Danix? Sa mga susunod na araw, yan ang gusto kong tuklasin. Yan naman ang tunay na dahilan bakit naisip ko mag-sulat ulit. Yan naman ang tunay na dahilan bakit naisip kong gawin ang mga bagay na naisulat ko sa itaas. Gusto ko ng makilala pa ang sarili ko ng lubusan. Yung tipong hindi na ako mangangapa sa mga importanteng desisyon ko sa buhay. Kikilalanin ko ng husto ang sarili ko. Kung sino nga ba si Danix. 

#knowthyself

[duhnix]

Eh kung magtumblr na lang kaya ulit ako?

At least dito pwede ko isulat lahat ng gusto kong sabihin at nararamdaman. I need diversion para hindi ikaw nang ikaw ang mundo ko. Hirap sa atin, hindi naman ako priority mo, bakit kita uunahin? Sorry. I'm really feeling mean because I just think I deserve better than this. I'm just tired.

[duhnix]

walking away

I asked someone what will make her walk away from something.. Then it also got me thinking.. What would make me walk away? Hindi ko alam pero I think I have this certain inclination with someone who's complicated. Someone who's in need of somebody. I tend to magnet these type of individuals. They say opposite attracts, but in my case, I don't think so. Siguro kasi alam ko ang pakiramdam ng walang kausap. Walang nakikinig. Walang nakakaintindi. I just wanted to be that one person who runs after you when you feel that the entire world is shutting you out. That one person whom you could be yourself without the fear of being misunderstood. A true friend whom you could count on. But sometimes, no matter how much you wanted to be that one person, kung hindi ikaw yung gusto nyang maging ganun, bale wala. What am I trying to say in all these? If there's one thing that would make me walk away, kahit ilang beses mo pa kong subukang ipagtabuyan, hanggat hindi ko nakikita o nakakamdamang hindi mo na ko kailangan, I won't. So yeah.. I'll walk away if I know I'm no longer needed.

#personal #walk away #moving on

[duhnix]

That Effin Moment When Your Exes are Both Happily Committed with Someone Else While Here You Are, Trying to Accept The Idea of Being With Someone Who's Still With Someone Else...

Hindi sa bitter ako. Pero sige na nga bitter na. Minsan ang kupal lang talaga ng pagkakataon.

Iiwan ka kung kelan sigurado ka na sa sarili mo. Mas masama pa un, kung kailan kailangang kailangan mo sya.

O di kaya naman, magigising ka isang umaga na hindi ka na masaya. Ayaw mo na lang bigla.

Sa parehong pagkakataon, ikaw man yung iniwan o ikaw yung nang-iwan, parehong masakit.

Pero pano kung ikaw yung unang umalis pero ikaw pa din yung iniwan? Isa lang ibig sabihin nyan, umiba ka ng daan.

Hindi mo naman sinasadya pero dumating sya. Akala mo yun na. Skip train pala.

Hindi mo pa kasi talaga sya nakikilala. Yung ikaw naman ang aalagaan. Yung excited na makinig sa mga kwento mo kung papanong excited kang pakinggan sya. Yung kahit oras-oras at minu-minuto kayong mag-usap, hindi natatapos ang kilig. Yung kahit hindi man kayo mag-usap buong araw, sabik kayo matapos na lang ang araw para magkita o magkausap o magkasama na kayong dalawa. Yung iingatan nyo ang isa't-isa at rerespetuhin. Magsusuportahan. Magtutulungan. Hindi yung 70-30 na hatian. Hindi rin 50-50. Lalong hindi yung 170-30. Sya yung pareho kayong 100% na nagmamahal sa isa't isa. Hindi nagsusukatan. Kasi pareho nyong iniisip na hindi nyo deserve ang isa't isa. Na maswerte sya at maswerte ka din dahil kayo ang nagkatagpo. Finally! 

Alam kong andyan ka lang din. Pwedeng nasa maling relasyon ka pa. Pwede din namang pagod  ka na. Pwedeng iniisip mo din ang iniisip ko. Pwedeng sabay tayo ngayong nananalanging magkatagpo na tayo. Maraming pwedeng mangyari. At pwede din namang hindi... Pero sana, mas madami yung nauna...

#love and relationships

[duhnix]

My Kind of Weekend

Hmmmmm.. She'll be cooking while I clean the house. Arguing a bit as to whose playlist shall we listen to while doing the chores. Enjoy a sumptuous lunch she prepared. Then a nice movie on a couch. Cuddles. Then another movie. A little more cuddling. Then she'll read her book while I try to finish the story I've been working on. She reads something funny from the novel and shares it. We laugh together. I'm done writing a part. She'll critique. I'll consider. Have a nice chat about work, the government, celebrities, or even about other people's lives. Lol! Talk about any random thing under the sun while enjoying a cup of coffee or tea. Looking at each other's eyes. Hold hands. Kiss. More cuddles. Sweet nothings. Baby talking. And a lot more cuddling. Then we turn the lights off. Time to sleep!! Lol 

#aperfectweekend #hopeless romantic #love #love and relationships

[duhnix]

From Start To Finish

  I had my first marathon today. It felt so good! At last, I've done something I planned. Something that I trained for. Something that I really wanted. Something that I started and finished.

I have this attitude that I always plan on doing something. I plan, don't get me wrong. And not just plan, but I do it! Then when I start doing it, in the middle of actually doing it, I get bored. I quit. I have this inclination of being too easily excited, but gets easily distracted later on. More often than not, I don't finish what I've started. Wait.. Actually, I was not able to finish anything I've started. 

When I got employed with my first job, I didn't resign properly. I just woke up one day and felt like not going back to work anymore. The second, same thing. I didn't actually quit though; They kicked me out. In my previous work, I joined the partner and they had internal arrangements about my transfer. That's how I rolled with my jobs. 

When I do something I really really like. I'm just good with it for a couple of days, or weeks, or months... sometimes years. Then I get tired and quit!

I was also like that in school. Enrolled then quit. Shift courses then quit. Re-enrolled then quit. Transferred schools, then quit! Yet surprisingly, I whine about having not having to get my diploma until now!

Hey! I am even like this with my relationships! I quit when things aren't going my way. I just do. I screw up.

Now, this medal.. This medal is more than just a piece of steel. It's more than just a souvenir. This is the start of the new me...

Finally, I am now able to say that I have started something, and was able finish what I've started! This is definitely the start of something new...

#personal #finisher #5k #running

[duhnix]

  I had my first marathon today. It felt so good! At last, I've done something I planned. Something that I trained for. Something that I really wanted. Something that I started and finished.

This medal is more than just a piece of steel. It's more than just a souvenir. This is the start of the new me...

#personal

[duhnix]

So I guess I’d have to stick to my principle of not writing about something that I don’t want to end. Every story has its own start and ending. I should know. I create stories myself. This one, this thing that I said I could not afford to finish, just happened too soon, too late too fast. I cannot afford to hold back.

Cliche as it may sound, easy come and easy go. It’s not our time. Maybe just not yet. Or maybe it’s really not. We’re really not.

Another belief that I had was, you cannot have someone you really really like. The feeling and attention and effort will always be more than what you get. It should not be a question, but sometimes the difference between is really noticeable. There will come a time when the latter becomes too convenient, too comfortable, too complacent that she will fail to pursue the other anymore.

You just cannot love someone too much. As they also say that too much of something is bad enough. You just got to love yourself.

#moving on

[duhnix]

I could have written you a letter, but I decided to blog it instead. This way I won't hope for any replies.

Hindi ko alam kung napapansin mo, pero ako pansin na pansin ko. Hindi na tayo kasing dalas mag-usap gaya ng dati. Madalas iniisip ko na lang, we passed that kilig stage. Ayoko man, pero ok na din. At least hindi lang puro kilig.

Hindi ko alam kung ano yung tumatakbo sa isip mo. Wala akong lahi ni madam Auring para malaman ko yun. Madalas nakabase lang ako sa mga sinasabi mo... sa mga sinabi mo. Pero syempre hindi maalis sa isip ko yung pagiging worry-wart ko. I tend to overthink things too. Pero madami kang bagay na tinuturo sa akin.

I'm not used to this kind of feeling. The very reason why I broke up with my ex was because I cannot be with her anytime I wanted to. Na parang wala din akong girlfriend kung hindi ako ang gagawa ng paraan para makasama ko sya. Understandable pa nga ayon sa karamihan yung sitwasyon nya pero hindi ako nakatagal. This... whatever this is. I don't know when will this last. But whatever it is, andun ako sa point na, I choose to stay.. kinain ko din yung sinabi ko na ayoko ng compromises.

You are teaching me to become independent. Na parang you will not always be around. Hindi ako sanay ng ganun. Alam ko mali, pero I have always been dependent sa partner ko. Kahit mukha akong tough, hindi ko kaya na walang someone to be always around. I must have someone to always talk to. May term pa nga dun yung tl ko, 'autobots' daw yung mga ganun, yung nakakatext mo pag bored ka pero hanggang dun lang yun. That used to be me when my first partner doesn't have time for me. I get to entertain myself with autobots. Until the second one came. Well, I got her full attention for obvious reasons. Both didn't last.

You are another story. I'm at the point where I have decided to just stop. Stop looking. Stop flirting. Just stop. Ganun talaga siguro pag alam mong nakita mo na yung hinahanap mo. Na nagaantay ka na lang na makita ka nya.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang I MISS YOU pa yung dapat kong sabihin para malaman mo kung gano. Kahit pa punuin ko tong blog na ito ng lahat ng conversations natin, history na yun. Past conversation na yun. past conversations na nakakamiss talaga. Kahit gano kababaw na topic pinapatulan natin. Kahit walang kakwenta kwentang jokes at pick up lines, pinatos natin. Nakakamiss yung simpleng ganun.

Siguro nga we passed the getting to know each other stage. I have known you. I have known that you are the person I wanna be with. That I'm sure. Pero kung ikaw hindi, ok lang ako dun. Maniwala ka. I passed the stage of becoming too much clingy, and needy, and touchy.

I miss you. and I love you still.

#personal

[duhnix]

project ongoing...

I'm keeping myself busy. I'm doing something I've never done before. This one's worth a try I know. Tamad akong tao, alam ko yun pero hindi ko alam bakit para dito hindi.. para sa kanya hindi.

Matagal ko nang gusto magsulat. Yung araw-araw magboblog ako. Hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko naman masabing wala akong time, kasi alam ko namang hindi talaga yun ang dahilan. Tamad lang talaga ako. Pero nitong mga huling araw, I'm just at my best self. Hindi ko din maintindihan kung bakit. Ang ganda lang talaga siguro ng pasok ng taon sa akin. Well, I don't believe in good luck, just good timing. So siguro nga ang ganda lang ng timing ng lahat.

I started running a couple of days ago. It feels good to be active again. Although my sipon ako ngayon at medyo masama yung pakiramdam, initial reaction lang daw yun ng katawan ko sa strenuous activity na ginagawa ko. Now, I'm starting to write again. This time, it's gonna be consistent. 

I'm also enjoying my work. Matagal na ako sa ganitong trabaho pero hindi ko matanggap until I found the best company to work for. I'm embracing where I am now and what life has given me. This way, I'm doing favor to one but myself. The more that I reject the things that come my way, the more bullshit I encounter. 

Another great thing I enjoy now ay yung mga out of towns ko with friends. Matagal ko nang gustong gawin to pero walang enough funds. Hindi ko alam bakit nowadays meron na. Lol! Ang saya lang. 

There's a lot of things to enjoy about life. One thing I've learned is living one day at a time. Thank you for making me realize that without you doing anything.

Cheers! I owe this to myself.

#happy thoughts

[duhnix]

From a blog post last 6 January 2014

head or tail

I wish it is you. The one I have been waiting for. I actually want it to be you.

I had fun tonigt. Although I’ve said to myself not to ask you out anymore but just wait for you to miss me so much that you will be the one to find a way to see me, As expected, that did not happen. Not that I know you wouldn’t ask out, but that I cannot hold back. I’m the one who misses so much and always finds the way to see you. What can I do? I’m built this way.

I cannot wait. That’s the problem.

I’ve been through this before. Strict parents. House rules. Off limits, Can’t visit! Can’t easily go out when I wanted to see her. The fear that someone might see us holding hands or whatever. Those childish things, those’re just pain in the butt!

I told myself, never will I allow myself be in that situation again. It’s crappy. Hurts like hell. What a waste of time. It’s no cool. And I thought I've outgrown it. Thought I can just say no to it and not let it happen.

But life surely has its way to surprise you.

No matter how much you promise to say no to the situation, it is the person herself whom you cannot say no to.

I just have this feeling that among all the rest, you will be worth all the pain. Worth all the effort. Worth all the sacrifices. You have something that keeps me coming back for more. Something that pushes me beyond my limits when I know I that I have none. Something that wants me to take all the risks. Lay all my cards down. Be unguarded. Defenseless. Let myself fall.

I know I have already fallen. Deep. This is indeed a gamble. You are a gamble. Just like how your name sounds…

#poetry #letter for her

[duhnix]

This is the new blog that I planned. Let's get things started and let me fall in love with writing again.

writing

I admire those people who does not have any hesitations to say what they want and how they feel. Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about those talkless and insensitive bitches out there, who really don’t care as long as they could bitch around. Lol! What I meant was, those people who aren’t afraid to show how they really feel, whether they are happy or sad, weak or strong, loving or hurting.

I happen to bump into some post at some site, not really a blog of some sort, but yea a post, by someone who happens to write as I do. Funny that I can see myself in her writing. As if I was reading me. She was like writing for this girl whom she doesn’t know if she alreay met or what. She was writing to her; telling her how she prepares for that day for them to be together; how she is getting ready to be whole again; to give her the love she trully deserves. I find it sweet, and whoever that girl may be, is lucky indeed.

Why am I writing about it? I simply miss those times that I used to write. Random things… For random persons. I used to write for the things I see. Opinions that were asked by no one. I couldn’t careless.

When did I start to write? Oh well, the first time I thought I was in love. Lol! I thought it was just a phase when I write love poems. Oh so high school! Yes I was in high school back then. Coming out story I suppose.

This tumblr account was supposed to be for all those shitty writings I have. Yet, the option to reblog posts of those you follow defeats that purpose of just writing. I’ll try as much as I can, not to reblog but write, but forgive me if I couldn’t help it if there will be posts that are too awesome to just like. :p

Now I’m planning to have another tumblr account where I could start over with my first love - writing. 

#first love #writing #more than just a past time

[duhnix]

From a blog post last 5 January 2014

Dear You,

Hindi ko alam kung nakilala na kita, kilala na kita o makikilala palang kita,

pero nasan ka na ba?

Nahihirapan na ako. Nasasaktan. Napapagod. Hindi ko alam kung makikita pa kita. Mahirap ka bang hananip? O mapaghanap lang talaga ako?

Simple lang naman kasi yung gusto ko, Yung ipaglalaban ako. Yung kaya akong panindigan. Yung kayang tumayo sa sariling paa para ipagsigawan sa mundo na mahal ako. Yung ikakaproud ako at ikakaproud ko. Yung passionate. Yung hindi kuntento sa kung anong meron. Yung hindi gumagawa at hindi nauubusan ng paraan at pagkakataong pasayahin ka at iparamdam na mahalaga ka.

Ang dami ko nang nakilala. Pero kadalasan, I was too late sa pagdating sa buhay nila.

It could have been her. Kung sana dumating ako ng maaga, naalagaan ko sya. Nagkaroon sana sya ng halaga at drive para ingatan ang sarili nya at hindi na sana umabot sa pangalawa. Pero hindi yun ang nangyari. I was too late.

It could have been her. Kung sana dumating lang ako bago ang mga compromises na meron na sya.

Bakit ba lagi na lang akong late dumadating? Kung kelan may nauna nang nanakit at sumira. Bakit ang unfair? Hindi ko naman gagawin sa kanila yun eh. Ako nga kadalasan ang nagaganun.

Ngayon, ang takot ko lang, yung dumating ang pagkakataon na ikaw naman ang sumulat ng ganito. Kasi pagdating mo sa buhay ko, it was too late. Sira na ako. Pagod na. Hindi na muling mabubuo pa dahil sa pagtatangka kong hanapin ka. Huwag naman sana.

P.S. Huwag mo kong pangaralan na hindi kita dapat hinahanap kasi kusa kang dumadating. Pasensya ka na, hindi ako ang tipo ng tao nakanganga lang at naghihintay ng biyaya. I am the kind of person who makes it hapen. Kung ikaw talaga ang para sa akin, alam kong alam mo dapat yan.

#letter for the one

[duhnix]

From a blog post last 18 December 2013

Yung ready kang ipagsigawan sa mundo na mahal mo sya, pero sya hindi.

BOOM!

Naiiyak na lang ako pag naaalala ko. Pero hindi. Hindi ako iiyak.

Masaya naman dapat eh. Ayun na. Eto na. Ok na. Pero hindi natapos yung kahapon ng ganun. Nung umuwi ako, hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko. Kung masaya ba kasi sinabi kong “I love you” tapos sumagot ka din ng “I love you”. Alam ko naman na kasi yun. Alam na nating dalawa yun bago pa man natin sabihin sa isa’t isa. Tama nga, those are just words and it won’t mean anything kapag hindi mo mararamdaman.

They say you cannot choose your sexual preference, you are born with it. I know that. Bata palang ako alam ko na kung ano ang gusto ko, pero habang tumatanda ako lalo kong naiintindihan kung bakit ito ang gusto ko. Lalong nagiging malinaw sa akin kung ano talaga ang gusto ko at kung paano ko ito gusto. Mas lalo akong nagiging sigurado sa sarili ko. Alam ko kung anong gusto kong mangyari sa isang relasyon at kung paano ko ito gustong mangyari. Hindi naman ibig sabihin nito mamanipulahin ko na ang mga bagay para makuha ito. Alam ko lang kung ano ang fair sa hindi pagdating sa girl friend at pagiging girl friend. 

Alam ko pano magka girl friend. Alam ko ang pakiramdam ng isang girl friend at alam ko kung pano itrato ang girl friend. Tulad ng madalas kong sinasabi, babae din ako. It gives me such conviction that I know how to handle girls and to be handled by one.

Alam ko ang pagkakaiba ng girl friend, kaibigan, at kalandian. Pipili ka lang ng isa dun. Wag naman sana yung huli. Hindi ko dinagdag sa pagpipilian yung gusto mo sya, gusto ka nya, pero hindi pwede. Walang ganun. Gusto mo, o ayaw mo. Yun lang.

Ako kasi, gusto kita. Gustong-gusto kita! Pero kung umpisa palang malabo na, wag na nating ituloy kung alam naman nating matatapos.

mahal kita. nakakainis kasi mahal kita.

#too much drama #heartache #heartbeats #heartbreaks