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kill me

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Well fuck

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Feelings are fucking stupid

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I would like

To be held

To be held and protected

From myself

To be wrapped in someone's arms because they want to protect me, not because I want to be protected

Wrapped up in their affection not tying them down with my own

I just don't know if you truly care any more

And it

Fucking

Sucks

I think we might be friends who tricked ourselves into staying together

I cannot feel my feelings, but I know they're there. I cannot name those feelings. You deserve clarity and devotion, not someone who can't even feel their feelings. Not someone who can't tell what a friend or a lover is.

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It seems I exist just to hurt people and ruin things

I cannot tell the difference between romance and platonic feelings too often and it's unfair to all parties involved, especially my spouse.

Why the fuck does every facet of my life have to be filled with uncertainty or the feeling that something isn't right?

I didn't have friends for a reason

And now

Now i need to push people away again because I'm tired of hurting people and ruining things

I would die inside if my spouse had these struggles concerning other people and the fact that i have them makes me want to give up but fuck even that isn't a choice because it would hurt people. It would traumatized my family. My son.

I don't even know if clarity is what I want because clarity can show you things you don't want to see and sometimes the things you see change and it doesn't even matter that you saw it

I want to feel loved

And I don't

I feel like I have someone held hostage and that after everything we've been through, we may not be able to love each other the way we need to.

I have a sour feeling in my chest

Sadness. Anger. Disappointment. Regret. Anxiety.

The people in my life deserve so much more than me

#suicidal #tw depressing stuff #relationship #sad #im not going to kill myself but fuck man im hurting

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i just want to... *deep breath* *sigh* feel pretty and beautiful and smart and worth it and not like i'm wasting my life and i want to not feel like this and i want to not care

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Feeling a bit better this morning

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Sometimes my insides feel gray and empty

I'm not sure why it happens but sometimes my emotions leaves me and I'm left wondering if I even feel the feelings I know I feel

Love feels empty in these times

Like something I need but just.... can't experience even though I have it around me

I know I have people who love me and people who I love but it feels like I'm void of all emotion right now

It feels like I so desperately want to be wanted but being wanted doesn't get rid of the feeling

This is the kind of thing I've ruined my life over and hurt people unintentionally over

I want that feeling

I want to know I'm special and I want to know I can love

But right now every emotion seems impossible far and like foreign concepts

I feel guilty

I feel guilty that I can't feel the love that's veing given to me

It'll pass and my feelings will come back but right now is this strange, sick, gray period

#mental health #suicidal #tired #gray #temp #ill be ok #empty #void #lgbtq

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pretty sure i should just unalive myself bc i dont meet the best for any1.

#suicide #tw depressing stuff #idk what to do #i hate myself