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haechanokeh · 3 years

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Sincerity is Scary

[Sad ending] [Continuation & Happy]

synopsis: haechan and you are best friends who couldn't admit their feelings which frustrates them both and the people around the two of you

content: college au! haechan x reader

word count: 1.9K

warning: none

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You spit your coke - that didn't taste like one and coughed. you glared at haechan.

"what did you put in my coke?" you huffed. haechan gave you his innocent look.

"i don't know what you're talking about." he pouted.

"you put soy sauce in it right? i knew i should not leave my food and drinks when you're around." you said throwing tantrums.

haechan laughed and threw his arm over your shoulder and shoved a cold wet can of coke into your cheeks.

"here, drink this." he said, cooly. you rolled your eyes.

"you wasted money just to annoy me, seriously." you grunted.

"it's worth it though." he chuckled.

someone coughed and both of you just realized that you're with haechan's friends which your friends now.

"i thought you two forgotten we're with you." renjun used his sarcastic voice.

"both of you literally have your own worlds." jaemin added.

"i really don't understand why you're not dating here dude." jeno teased.

"what? hell no!" you said in unison.

you looked at each other, silently hurt. both of you felt awkward and haechan removed his arm from your shoulder. you opened the can of coke haechan gave.

haechan friends- renjun, jaemin, and jeno noticed the awkwardness between you. at first it was cute but it has been 3 years, they've been watching both of you and it was clear to them that you like each other. but what's stopping you and haechan from admitting it?

fear of the possibility of being wrong that you have mutual feelings for each other or that what happens if love vanishes because you'll never know. haechan is your childhood friend and your parents are really close there was a time you used to take a bath together when you're still toddlers. basically, you're so close with him and it'll be wasted.

you were lying on your stomach on haechan's bed while scrolling through your phone as you try to distract yourself from menstrual cramps. haechan is playing with his friends through his computer.

you shoved your face and groaned in pain because your menstrual cramp is an asshole! it was sever when it comes, it can make your head throb and your body is very weak. haechan heard you, the other side of his headphone wasn't covering his other ear. he looked back to check on you. he caught you massaging your abdomen.

"y/n?" brows furrowed in concern.

"hmm?" you just hummed.

"are you okay?" he worriedly asked, his hands were on the keyboard but he's not doing anything reason for jeno calling him out.

"haechan, what the hell dude?!"

"not really." you admitted. your in pain it was evident in your voice, face, and body.

haechan quickly removed his headphone and leave his gaming chair to go to you. you turned, your back is lying down now. haechan was staring at your hands on top of your lower abdomen.

"cramps again?" haechan knew how badly it gets when you're in menstruation. you nodded, you're almost tearing up.

he pitied you, he put his hands larger than yours and slightly rougher on top of the back of your palm. he's giving you a massage without directly touching your abdomen.

"you should've told me. wait here, i'll prepare the hot compress bag." he said and stood up.

"you have hot compress?"

"well, ahm.. mom bought it. wait here." he was lying, he bought it himself because he was traumatized 4 months ago where your cramp strike when you were in his house. that was the worst cramp that you ever experienced and it was in haechan's condo. since then, haechan stored napkins and bought hot compress.

haechan took care of you and he gave you his whole attention. he forgotten his game, left his computer open and friends hanging. but his friend already knew that you're always haechan's priority. haechan waited for you to sleep. it became a habit to you to sleep on haechan's arm and he's not bothered even though sometimes he couldn't feel his arm anymore because of numbness. he was jist staring at you as if you're the most precious thing he owns...

haechan saw his computer.

"sht." he cursed, he forgot he's playing. since you're already sleeping, he carefully removed his arm under your head. he went back to his seat and wore his headphone.

"sorry dude, y/n is not feeling well."

"your girlfriend?" jaemin teased. haechan just chuckle... bitterly.

"why don't you date her already?" jeno said.

"haechan, seriously you two look like dating already. why don't you just make it straight already?" renjun said.

haechan went silent. he couldn't count anymore how many times they tell this to him, but for him it was very hard. it wasn't easy, simply because it was scary. he thinks the same way with you, it's just scary of what's the difference of your relationship as friend vs lovers, that if it didn't work out because it's better to be just friends, then what will happen next? will you still become as comfortable with him? will he become as close to you as he used to? it's scary because both of you don't know what will happen so you both chose to hide it and keep it that way.

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it's your university's foundation, there will be a night party. you went inside with haechan but women quickly eyeing at him. who wouldn't? he's wearing a black leathered jacket, ripped jeans, and his hair that is quite long made him more four times sexier.

"haechan, i'll just get a fruit punch. do you want some?" you asked slightly louder than your normal voice because of the noise.

haechan who's enjoying the band's performance, gaze down at you and shook his head.

"no thanks. want me to come with you?" he asked. you just shook your head saying that he doesn't have to. he just nodded and went back enjoying the performance.

you left him and go to the catering buffet just to grab fruit punch and quickly went back to where you left him but you stopped from walking when you saw him with another girl, standing beside him where you left. they were talking intimately, and it was painful. imagine jeno punching your stomach, yes! with those arms and strength, that's the scale of pain.

unware, the three boys- renjun, jeno, and jaemin watching the drama while munching the shared bag of chips.

"she will cry." jeno bet.

"nah, she will push the girl." jaemin contradict.

"tsk, no." renjun grabbed a handful chips from the bag earning a glare from the two. "she will confess." jeno and jaemin eyes bulge out for renjun being ridiculous, at least for them.

"her? that's not gonna happen." jaemin said. renjun rolled his eyes.

"as if she will push the girl jaemin, y/n isn't like that."

well they all agreed and returned watching the drama while eating chips. yeah, they are eating chips in the room with a catering service.

you walk, heart-pounding loudly and hands shaking while holding the cup. you silently stood beside haechan hoping that he will notice you, unfortunately, he didn't. you disappointedly sipped on the paper cup.

you were silently and listening to their conversation- well you are trying your best because the loud music made it harder for you. they were like getting to know each other kind of questions.

you're getting annoyed so you sneakily held haechan's hand. he quickly whipped his head down to you. he gazed at your hands then to you who looking straight to the band. when haechan realize it was you, warm electricity traveled in his whole system. the random girl saw everything, so she concluded that you and haechan are dating.

"well, I have to go to my friends... ahm bye." the girl nervously and quickly walked away. haechan didn't mind her, he was just staring at you.

"is she gone?" you looked up to face haechan who was seriously looking at you.

for some odd reason, his expression made your heartbeat fast not in a fluttering way but it made you nervous.

"let's talk outside." he told you sounding a little disappointed. both of you walk while holding hands.

and the 3 guys? saw that and was jumping on their feet and slapping each other in excitement.

"dude, dude! they will finally date!" jaemin said

"finally my frustration will end now." renjun said, he sighed in relief hands on top of his chest. "but why do i feel something ominous." he said feeling unease.

"don't jinx it." jeno groaned.

you and haechan were outside the hall, away from the crowd and noise. haechan let go of your hand and face you.

you were looking nervous and he.. he's sad and disappointed.

"i will never date a friend." haechan directly told you that you didn't expect to hear.

the atmosphere was tense and it's like the heaven and hell compressing you made you feel so small. you were deeply hurt but you didn't allow haechan to see that. you masked it with a laugh.

"why are you telling me that? wah... you think i will date you? yikes." you were laughing and it looked so real. you badly want to cry but don't want to. you were disappointed that you were right. you're just too close, his actions to you are equally no different to a friend.

haechan? like he was hurt. he was asking himself why did he say that? it wasn't real but he was also asking himself, why did you say that? it was written all over your face no matter how many emotions and expressions you put in your face, you were deeply hurt.

"well, i thought you were falling for me already." he grinned. you rolled your eyes.

"in your dreams." yeah, only in dreams.

"let's go back?" haechan asks holding in the pain in his chest. you gave him a smile.

"you go back first, i'll just go to the toilet." holding back your tears. the toilet is in the opposite direction from the room.

haechan just nodded and left you, parting ways. you turned your back and released every single emotion as you walked quickly towards the toilet room.

haechan with a heavy heart went back to the room. his friends approached haechan, hugging him and playfully pushing him.

"congrats dude!" renjun said cheerfully. haechan's forehead creased.

"what?"

"dude, you're finally dating y/n!" renjun said. but they saw haechan's face, it doesn't look like you were dating already. their smiles fell and turned into disbelief.

"what?! how?!" jeno exclaimed.

"just, i don't know." he shrugged.

"it's your fault, you jinxed it" jaemin amused that it was really jinxed by renjun. renjun gripped his own hair in frustration.

so why did haechan lie?

he realized that his world is small because the only person in it is you and that's not good. but he never wanted to lose you. at the same time haechan with the same reason that he always says in his mind. if things don't work out, someone will definitely leave. he couldn't bear that.

does it make sense? no. he's just convincing his self that this is why you don't like to date y/n.

sincerity is hard to give especially if you overthink things. as the song said, questioning why can't we just be sincere? it so easy but why is it hard for us? well, there are times that when we choose sincerity we ended up being vulnerable. the idea of being hurt is scary but you know what either way it's painful but it was extra painful when you became sincere because you know you became true to yourself but weren't accepted.

there will be another part, continuation but for people who don't like sad ending life me 😿

#haechan #haechan angst #nct dream haechan #nct dream angst #nct dream imagines #nct dream #haechan imagines

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haechanokeh · 3 years

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Hello 😭😭😭

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haechanokeh · 3 years

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thesis 😭😭😭😭😭 I HATE COLLEGE

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haechanokeh · 3 years

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[teaser] [ Chapter 1 ] [ Chapter 2 ] [ Chapter 3 ] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapter 7] [Chapter 8] [Chapter 9]

pairing: popular college! mark x average! reader

genre: romance, smut, angst, series.

warning (general): corruption, oral sex (both receiving and giving), cream pie, rough sex, mention of religion, rough sex, self-esteem, public sex, sub! reader, sex toys. possessive mark two-faced mark, psychology

you cried your eyes out, face shoved in your pillow and muffling your sobs. you didn't who told you those words, it was mark but he's not the same guy you fell in love with and the guy you said yes with today. your phone was ringing nonstop so you have to turn it off but mark was too eager so he's now in front of your house banging and shouting your name begging you to open the door and talk to him.

what he told you was possible, that they didn't care for you and you have to admit that it stings but his words are not responsible for your vulnerability right now, it was the unknown mark. you didn't like him just because he's kind, it was just one out of the nth god knows the reason why you love him. he made you so special, he was right that he's the only person who cared about you in your class but the unfamiliar mark you saw a couple of hours ago was scary. it gave you goosebumps, you were frightened it's as if anytime he will hurt you.

you heard a hard stomp inside your room and you quickly sat up and surprisingly it was mark inside your room who entered the room through your open window.

"fuck, y/n." he ran into you and pulled you up into his arms. "I'm so sorry, this will never happen again." he whispered and caressed your hair. "i will not let lucas and my friends break us, shhh i am truly sorry. you only need me, so don't worry."

your body froze in shock and your heart beating so fast. he's not sorry.

"what..." you whispered in disbelief, you can't understand why he can't understand that he's wrong as well.

"we're okay now right? let's just forget everything, y/n... hmmm?" he looked at your face and looked into your eyes but he saw nothing but unpleasant. he felt rage rushing in his whole system. "what do you want! i already apologize!" he squeezed your jaw.

you were shaking in fear as his loud voice boomed in your room. his nose was flaring, his eyes were dripped with spite, and his chest where heaving. he's so mad at you and you're scared and confused.

that's when you realize, there's something wrong with him.

"m-mark, you're hurting me." you sobbed. mark snapped out of his senses. he quickly removed his hands from you and embraced you.

"I'm sorry." he sincerely said and kissed your cheeks and shove his face against it. "I'm so sorry, please don't leave me." he kept on apologizing non-stop. his hands were trembling you could feel it as he was clutching your arms.

"mark? mark?" you panicked. "mark? are you okay?" your fear from him vanished and changed into a concern to him. this is not normal.

you tried to get away from his arms but he's not budging, you stopped wriggling when you heard him whimper.

"don't leave me, can't. i really can't, i will lose myself." he begged like he's close to hopelessness. you gently pushed him to look at his face. your heart was stabbed when you saw how vulnerable he looked.

"mark..." you voice broke, you really don't know what to say because this is your first time to see him like this.

this is why mark never pursues someone or something he likes, he became possessive in fear that it will slip away from him, like his friends' admiration and respects towards him, the trust from his parents, and how they look at him as the perfect son, the people's respect on him because of his kindness and intellect, and his high grades- all of these are his goals and obsession but you're different. he can confidently allow these to get away from him in exchange of not losing you. you become his obsession. mark is aware that he has a problem but doesn't want to admit it and keep on insisting that this is part of his life... when it is not. everything about it is not normal, because when he faces rejection he felt anguish, loss, stress, and anger. there was a point where he tried to consider hurting and taking his life but he was taught that this is a grave sin and again, he felt disappointed that he is thinking of doing a grave sin which added made it worse to his anxiety. 3 years ago, he talked to his psychologist professor and was diagnosed with depression and attachment disorganized anxiety. he only attends one counseling session because he couldn't accept that there's something wrong with him and if people will find out about this he will lose all the respect.

ask him. you were pushing yourself to speak what's wrong? do you have a problem? you want to ask him but you became voiceless.

"mark, i want you to be honest to me okay?" your voice was shaking trying to control it from whimpering and tears rolling on your cheeks. "are you going through... something? do you want to talk about it?"

mark was spacing out while looking into your eyes but inside his head, it was in extreme chaos. he's having a second thoughts on telling that he has anxiety.

"mark, i love you so much but i need to understand you first so i know what to do and to make sure that you're receiving it. can you trust me?" you were convincing him and mark can see it through your eyes.

he gave up.

"i'm a mess." he broke down. mark's voice cracked and tears falling filled with hopelessness. you couldn't bare to see him like this so you pulled him into a passionate but slow kiss which he gladly responds.

you made him sit on your bed and straddle his hips, your hands were on both sides of his face and his hands were on the bed to support his body and your body. both of you where muffling your sobs.

"i was diagnosed depression and disorganized attachment anxiety" he confessed. you have no idea what is disorganized attachment anxiety, but you just understand that he has anxiety and depression, which was shocking.

mark lee, loved by everyone and religious boy have depression? that's when you realize, depression has no favoritism.

"how? you're..."

"when i was a kid, my parents are busy but i felt love every time they praise me and follow their lessons. i needed their praise and validation and i adopted it and became like... that and brought it until i grow up and to school. i never wanted to feel their disappointment and i never wanted to lose the respect of my parents, professors, and classmates but when i met you..." your eyes were locking with him. "you're the only thing i need and for the first time i never cared of losing it i thought i changed but i was wrong, nothing changed. i was just too possessive and obsess of you and when you told me you want to leave me..." his voice broke once again.

"it's going to be the end of me. it's been a long time since i felt rejected and i don't know what to do." he weeps and you felt weak.

mark has been your emotional support with fragile heart, you felt useless. instead of apologizing, you said the 3 words he always and shamelessly tells you.

"i love you." you pecked his lips. "i love you." your kissed it again and repeatedly do it while allowing the tears to fall.

he needs assurance that he is genuinely loved, which he is.

"mark, you are you still going to a psychiatrist?" making sure that he's managing it very well, but he shook his head. he needs help, someone who's more reliable. you hope that the next statement you will tell him will not take it as a bad thing. you rub his cheeks.

"you need to, aren't we pharmacists? aren't we push people to comply and adhere?" you smiled sadly.

"what will they think? my parents will be disappointed and sad at me, they will blame it to themselves, i know them y/n. and the people around me, they will think that i am fragile." you could see how frustrated he was.

"i thought you don't care about them anymore? i thought what matters is me? and what i think is that i love you and will love you more regardless of seeing one." you want to tell him that one day if you will do something wrong he might hurt himself or the people around him but you don't know if it's the right thing to say. this is why he needs to talk to a professional and you also need one because you can talk to them on what is the right thing to do to help mark and support him.

"if i do this you will never leave me?" you felt bad, now mark is now losing trust on you.

"if you do that, i am always right there with you." you kissed his forehead.

"and if i don't?"

"and if you don't..." you rest your forehead against his. "i am always with you."

you stared at each other for a long time sharing tons of emotion and you didn't know when it happened but both of you can't keep your hands to yourself. you're hovering over him touching him everywhere and his hands are all over your back.

you're grinding yourself hard on his pants, both of you panting but your lips never got separated, instead, it gets deeper. you pulled the hem of his pants and boxer. you pushed aside you shorts and sunk down to his length.

"fuck, that was hot." mark coulnd't help but blurt that out. you started to bounce, hands gripping his shoulders. he squeezed your breast underneath your shirt when suddenly the door clicked opened along with a women's gasp.

both of your heads turned towards the door's direction. it was your mom wearing his office uniform, holding a bowl with jaw-dropping in surprise. mark panicked, and so do you. you pulled mark's head and pulled it towards your breast, you want to gatekeep him.

"mom!" you shouted.

"i-i'm sorry I thought you look so down.. ohh..." you actually don't know what she just realized but she's nodding her head like now i get it "you have--"

"mom, get out!" she quickly closed the door.

"just so you know i will be here at 8, but if you want i can come here by 9! you can continue-"

"mom!" she made you feel embarrassed.

"my daughter has a boyfriend! finally!" she squealed as if the pigs finally learned how to fly. your mom thought this day wouldn't come but good lord your mom saw mark's face and at that moment she knew she needs mark's gene in her family tree.

"as much i loved your breast, i love to look at your face more." mark said. you release his head.

"my mom is just like that I'm sorry." you heard your mom honked. mark grinned and you gave him an apologetic look. "are you still in the mood?"

"i'm afraid i'm not anymore." mark chuckled. there's so much going on inside him plus he was slightly concerned what your mom thought of him. your mom caught him making with you but she seemed cool though but it was awkward.

"me too." deep down your blaming your mom.

you went back to class, you can't let mark skip[ another class again. you have to be a good influence. it was awkward but everyone already knows that you're dating, there's no reason to hide it and might just embrace it. mark apologized to the whole class, he didn't tell them his condition but he told them that he's going through something. even though mark still thinks that they are just using him, though at first that's how you perceived them but that really changed, for you it was a genuine friendship, they were so forgiving and i hope one day mark will accept that friendship.

since them, things went good though not perfect. his parents blamed themselves but you told them that that's the reason why mark didn't want to tell it to them, instead of continuing blaming themselves, they will give them all the love and support. mark never missed a session and you never missed going with him also.

and for the first time, you went to their church and the pastor is mark's father. you thought it was going to be like a normal day but...

"mark..." you sighed when he increased the intensity of the vibrator that he slipped while his father preaching. the front seats were occupied while you and mark are the only ones seating at the back.

you're squeezing and rubbing your thighs together, you felt so hot and wet. you badly want to moan, but that will be hard because you felt like once you moan, it will never stop.

"are you calling me love?" mark innocently asked you, he was saying that while putting the vibrator on max. you mouth opened while looking at mark's eyes. mark kept his smile while watching your orgasm face. he's doing unholy inside but worth it. he off the vibrator.

unfortunately all you can hear mark's father but can't understand it. you're still in ecstasy.

"my friends and family, it's not about finding the right person, it is becoming the right person, and if both partners think this way even the wrong shadows will be lighted by understanding. it's like saying i am the right person for the right person. tell this to your partner."

"i am the right person for the right person." mark whispered into your ears.

"hmm? what?" you weakly said. your eyes still closed. mark just chuckled and kissed your forehead.

"nothing." then put the vibrator to max.

"mark!" you screamed and everyone turned their heads towards you. you blood went down to your feet and nervously smile. "i- love your son sir..." you embarrassingly confessed. mark was trying to suppress his laugh while the people around you awed.

"and that's an example of my preach today."

you glared at mark, he just grinned and kiss your love.

"i love you too." he said.

"i want to smack you in the head." you angrily said. he just laughed.

this is going to be the last chapter. sorry for waiting to much, BUT there's a BONUS chapter there's no story on that just pure 🥵

✨if you want to be added in I’m Right For You Tag List, you can DM or Ask me so i can add you ✨

Tag List: @jenotation @babylion-mork @cloudykeiji @jjikyuu @sunshinedhyuck @wassup-haeyadwae @mrklyy @resceluwu @jenonctcity @wanlore @watermelonlovermark @erisxczenie @marksquare @lalaname

#mark lee angst #mark lee smut #nct mark #mark lee #nct 127 smut #nct dream smut

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haechanokeh · 3 years

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Your Point of View

you were staring and admiring how perfectly your friend and your classmate mark looked together. you and your friend used to eat together but now that she's dating mark, it's very awkward.

not because you're third-wheeling but because your friend knew before she even dates mark, you really like him.

you're happy seeing your friend happy but sad because she's with someone you truly love.

a hand snaked around your waist. you looked beside you and gave your partner a forced smile.

"you look sad, did you fail in your exam?" he pretended to be worried. you snorted

"donghyuck, i know you badly want to take my spot in class but" you rolled your eyes " too bad for you, i aced it." you showed your smug smile.

"dammit." he tsked and gave you a sweet lovely smile. "love you." he kissed your nose.

guilt stabbed you. how can you think of another man when you're already with a perfect guy?

"i love you." it was still half-hearted but you will learn to love donghyuck because there's nothing not to love about him. you will finally move on from your unrequited love with mark... eventually.

but from a far someone's point of view wished to be heard.

#mark lee #mark lee nct #nct 127 smut #nct #nct mark #mark lee fanfic #mark lee smut #mark lee angst #nct 127 #mark lee imagines #donghyuck #nct haechan #haechan angst

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haechanokeh · 3 years

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i said i will try to interact more and try to ake friends with some of you (and to some nctzen writers) i can't even stay here for 5 minutes 😭

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haechanokeh · 3 years

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my eyes are just sweaty i swear don't mind me

happier

synopsis: in which mark was happier with you.

pairing: mark x reader (i attempted to write the mc as gender neutral, so lmk if there are any tips on how to be more considerate! i wanna be able to write as inclusively as possible heh)

genre/category: angst, exes!au

word count: 2.4k

a/n: i have an assignment due in like 20 minutes (so i did not get a chance to proofread!!) but i got distracted thinking about mark while listening to my 2017 simp playlist :D so here's a mini-fic (that was supposed to be a drabble) based on this song!

I saw you walk inside a bar.

When Mark looked up from the almost-empty bottle sitting in front of him, he didn’t expect to be greeted by the sight of you. Not only that, he wasn't expecting to see you entering the bar hand in hand with someone new.

You, not yet noticing your past lover's hunched figure, walk towards a set of empty bar stools, another man's arms wrapped around your waist like possessive belt. Mark began to stare then. He stared at what used to be his reason. What used to be the one who'd wake him up in the morning, who used to be his reason for coming home when the days were too long, yet somehow eventually bled into nights. He continued to stare at what had been his true source of happiness.

In his eyes, you still were. You were his only radiating source of light that made him feel warm. You were his comfort, like a warm blanket during a rainy day, or an iced tea when the weather was too hot to do anything else but lounge around the house with all fans on full blast.

He said something to make you laugh.

Mark noticed how the one that accompanied you looked at you with a small spark in his eyes as you cover your mouth in attempts to shield your erupting laughter. That was a cute habit of yours when you laughed, and he used to stare at you the same way; he was staring at you almost identically as he's sat across the bar at that moment. The only difference now was that Mark stopped being the reason for your bright smiles and warm laughter.

I noticed how both your smiles were twice as wide as ours.

The first encounter between the two of you would forever be engraved in the mind of Mark Lee.

He was walking around a lake during a camping trip with a few of his friends, mindlessly swinging his arms around to cool off. Mid swing, though, he made contact with something he later found out was your face. He apologized so many times that you had almost busted a lung laughing at the poor boy's terrified features.

Soon, Mark joined you, laughing in harmony because apparently being smacked in the face by someone was the funniest thing to the both of you. Mark proceeded to awkwardly ask for your contact information, hoping to make up for the mishap, and you complied because the man was so darn cute.

One meet-up (he never specified it as a date) turned into two, which turned into three, and soon, you were seeing each other everyday in a small cafe hidden within the corners of your shared campus.

The two of you attended the same university, but due to being in different departments, there was never really a chance to come across one another while running to your next classes, but this cafe was the one spot you two had in common.

The cafe meetings soon turned into cafe dates (he clarified this time that they were in fact, dates), and soon enough, you were both head over heels in love, moving in together as you approached your final years of college.

Mark and your's relationship wasn't perfect, but it was always so much fun. Mark was always able to make you laugh because of how awkward he was, and one time you to left him behind on a trip to the grocery store because he was so embarrassing, making stupid puns at the poor worker just trying to stock the shelves of the cereal aisle. That day, you bought a watermelon the size of both your heads combined to make up for leaving him behind.

Mark bitterly smiled at his recollection. That was one of the last times he and you were able to smile together.

You looked happier.

The last time Mark saw you, it was on a sunny, Saturday afternoon. You were on your way back from a trip to your local convenience store, bags of chips, a tub of ice cream, and boxes of candy spilling out of the watermelon themed reusable bag he had left behind after moving out. You were still wearing his hoodie, then. He left that behind for you too.

It made him smile, knowing that you kept it.

Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you.

You felt as though you couldn't breathe. When you entered Mark and your shared apartment, you sensed that something was wrong; that something was missing from your normally warm environment. Mark and you have been arguing more frequently recently, and the night before, it was the worst it had been in years.

Mark had been going out later into the night, sleeping on couches of friend's houses more than in his own bed. Your shared bed. You more often than not woke up to nothing, the radiating warmth missing from your side.

You'd had enough of it, and confronted the man when he walked into the apartment at 2 am. Words spewed from either side, along the lines of "I'm sick of this" and "What is there to be sick of?" Mark ended up sleeping on the couch that night while you cried yourself to sleep, clutching Mark's pillow and attempting to hold onto what used to be the warm, delightful love of your life.

The next day when you woke up, he was gone. He texted you saying he had to leave early for work and that you should go ahead and start your day without him, and you did. You began planning ways to talk things out, to fix things with Mark over a nice dinner.

You set your plan to action and made your way to the local market. When you returned home and stepped foot into the kitchen, though, your eyes landed on a small note placed right in the center of the dining table. Written on that note in Mark's sloppy handwriting were the words, "I'm sorry, but I need to clear my head."

You dropped the note and ran into your bedroom, only to see that Mark had taken almost half of his belongings from the cramped space, along with one of the suitcases the two of you placed behind the closet when you first moved in. He was gone.

But ain't nobody love you like I do.

He'd been gone for about 10 days when you receive a call from Donghyuck. The brown-haired boy informed you that Mark has been sleeping on his couch for over a week and would be stopping by within the next few days to take up all of his friend's belongings he'd left behind.

You hummed, almost numbly, and before hanging up, you mustered up the courage to ask Donghyuck if Mark was currently there with him. He hummed in response, and you mumbled a good before dropping the line completely, falling to your knees and sobbing until you no longer had tears to let fall.

You were broken, and it was all because of Mark, yet a piece of you continuously hoped and prayed that he was safe. That he was living in a proper home with a place to sleep, and that he wasn't too cold because he often got cold very easily.

Mark, on the other end of the line, was silently holding in his cries as his best friend hung up the phone, disconnecting him from his one true love. Mark never intended to hurt you the way that he did, but in his mind, because he loved you so much, too much, he had to let you go.

He was noticing how much he was holding you back, from job opportunities to your social life, he believed he was the reason. He was the reason you declined the job offer in the neighboring city because that meant you'd have to either move out or drag Mark with you, and you chose on neither and stayed. He was the reason you never left the house on weekends because only then was he ever home. He was the reason you had bags under your eyes, he soon realized.

You'd been staying up night after night, waiting for him to come home. You'd been crying because he would come home with bags darker than yours. You'd been losing sleep because you spent too much of your time worrying about him.

He was holding you back by loving you.

So he decided to let you go.

Promise that I will not take it personal, baby.

A few months have passed and Mark's finally settled down in a new place in the town you had rejected the job offer from all those months ago. A part of him wished that moving away would offer you closure, knowing that Donghyuck explained his side of the story to you. Mark wanted so badly to be the one who spoke to you that day, but he was afraid of the confrontation. He was scared he'd break and hold you into his arms and promise to never let you go, bringing himself and you back into the endless loop.

So he left. He moved away and had Donghyuck clean up the mess he'd made. Mark owes him one.

The other part of him, though, hoped that you contacted the agency that offered you the job all those months ago. The selfish part of him prayed that the agency granted your request and offered you the job you passed up on in this new city. He hoped that you and him could start over in a different setting, and maybe a few years from now, run into each other again. You'd be in better places in your lives and the two of you could start over.

He knew he was hoping for too much, but oh a man can dream.

If you're moving on with someone new.

Mark was brought back to the present when he hears a loud shattering of glass. He averted his eyes towards the source of the ruckus and landed his eyes on you. He noticed how your eyes grew into large saucers when he displayed similar shocked features.

Shit.

He quickly and clumsily packed up his belongings as he waved down one of the waiters, asking for the tab. Noticing Mark's shaken composure accompanied by the glares being sent in his direction from the other side of the bar, the waiter sympathetically printed out the bill as fast as he could and didn't let out a peep when Mark underpaid about 10 bucks.

Mark rushed out of the bar, only to be caught by the sound of your voice calling out to him.

"Don't you dare run away." The voice was cold.

"Not again, Mark." It was almost shaking.

You caught up to the man. He turned around, slowly, wishing that this was all just a messed up dream, and the alcohol was only playing tricks with his mind.

Indeed, though, this was his reality. Mark remained silent, only staring at his feet as you approached him.

"Look at me," your voice was softer now, but he noticed the stern edge laced within your words. You were never one to raise your voice, not even when Mark would spew incredulous things at you during an argument. You were always calm.

Mark shifted his gaze from the ground towards your face and noticed you looked wiser. He noticed how your soft features were now more sharp. He noticed how you wore your hair differently. He noticed how you'd ditched your casual jeans and a shirt for something more business-casual. He noticed how your aura had changed into something more serious. He noticed every little change about you.

He also noticed how, beneath all the physical changes, you were still you. You still had the same stars in your eyes. You still had his favorite scent. You still had the same quip in your lip when you spoke. You still had the same smile.

You were smiling at him.

Mark finally managed to meet your eyes, and as you opened your mouth to speak, he cut you off before you could get a sound out.

"You look happier."

Your smile dropped a bit at his observation. He was right, you were happier than you were after the breakup. But you were happier when you were with him. Using other men to distract yourself from Mark worked for a while, but it was never the same.

It's been over a year, and you still missed him. You missed everything about Mark; his smile, his laugh, his posture when he was furiously typing away at his keyboard because he had an essay due in 10 minutes. You missed the way he'd sing to you at night when you woke up from a nightmare, and the way he'd pet down your hair when the two of you wake up in each other's arms after a nap.

And although you missed him, a part of you was still angry at him. Angry that he left without an explanation, and had Donghyuck be the bearer of bad news that he wanted you to be happier. That he wanted you to have a life not revolving around him and his actions.

A part of you hated how he was so selfish, and how he never looked to you for his decision. Yet the other, wiser, part of you was thankful. Thankful that he cared about you enough to let you go, cared about you enough to put your priorities above his own feelings for once. Most importantly, you were thankful that he was your first heartbreak.

Before he was the boy who broke your heart, he was a friend.

You tilt your head a bit sideways, plastered another smile and nodded in response.

"It's a process."

He smiled back, toothy grin warming your heart. "I'm glad you're doing okay."

Maybe it was the universe finally hearing Mark's wishes of starting over, or maybe it was just a mere coincidence that you ran into each other that day. But nonetheless, the encounter made him realize one thing.

"I was happier with you."

#crying like a bitch

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