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Okidoki,

I have started the process of diagnosis kinda officially now. I have called the official hotline that helps you find a therapist for the entire region of Bavaria. Which is bollocks. I can't go to therapy miles and miles away. But they have a list of all the available places on treatment programs and stuff. So maybe that is more successful than calling every doctor's office myself to ask for a counseling interview.

I need to wait for a period of 14 days now and hopefully the appointment service has found a doctor for me by then. I thought I might kind of document my journey a little bit and let ya'll know how it goes.

Please note that I live in southern Germany, so most of you won't be able to benefint directly from my posts regarding anything to do with bureaucracy, paperwork, service and help hotlines etc. etc. If there are any german potatoes in the crowd, who want to know any specifics, shoot me a message.

Anyway, hop on and enjoy the show if you want.

Oh, and I found my old success journal from depression therapy. I was supposed to draw or write down achievements and things that brought me joy, to focus on the positive. I shouldn‘t have stopped using it 🫤

Hey fellow freaks of tumblr,

at the ripe old age 35 I'm beginning to suspect I might have ADHD. Actually I've been carrying around that thought for some years now. There's currently noone in my life I can talk to about this. My partner refuses to believe me and stresses that I'm totally normal and like everyone else (I'm beginning to suspect he's got ADHD too and just thinks his experiences are the norm). But I don't see other people struggle with the same things I struggle with. I'm trying to get a doctor's appointment at the moment, which isn't easy.

What brought me to this point is the fact, that I'm pretty sure I have rejection sensitive dysphoria along with some other symptoms that make my life a living nightmare. Especially work, where I have little control over the environment.

Can the ADHD-side of tumblr maybe give me some tips on how to deal with RSD? It's going to take a pretty long time to get an appointment for diagnosis, so I thought I might try out some things in the meantime (it can't hurt, right? I mean, my hair dresser, who has ADHD and takes Ritalin for it, offered me her pills and I was very tempted. But maybe it's a bit of a smoother start to try some behavioral things first).

#adhd #mental health #therapy

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y'all said such kind words about my dad's crewel work so here are more pictures!

These are before he started putting himself and Addie (the doggo) into each one. I think my favorite is the one with the lavender fields but I'm also a big fan of the one with the stripey rocks =D

#the middle left one #and the top left one #are my favorite #blease show dog #and dad in the embroidery #crewel #embroidery #landscape #fiber art

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Dear tumblr staff, why can‘t I get the option to click on a tag and block it right away?!

Like, they way you can follow a tag? Just add a second button for blocking.

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Ah yes I know that show, I watched it on tumblr.

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Heyo! I saw your post about RSD and tried to comment but Tumblr said "no," so I'm sending it as an ask, I guess. 😅 Not trying to be a creeper.

I took Focalin for a while (currently on a blend of Wellbutrin and Prozac, because it manages all parts of my AuDHD well). It helped with a lot of the symptoms of brain fog and executive dysfunction, but I haven't noticed much (if any) difference in my RSD. If anything, it gives you a tiny gap of space in between the painful impact and your reaction. So I get a (non-judgy) mental voice letting me know that while my feelings are real and valid, assigning extra meaning to the perceived rejection isn't helping me.

Silly example: getting a briefer text without all the required emojis and punctuation to let me know the other person isn't pissed at me.

This feels like a slap in the face OR like a hole ripped in my gut. And I can't do anything about that feeling. But what I can do is realize my brain is telling me that the other person is upset, that I've done something wrong, etc etc. My brain is telling me that, but the only objective information I have is "I got a short text." It's up to the other person to tell me that they're actually upset.

So to sum up:

1. Meds didn't make RSD feel better (for me), but it gave me some breathing space to choose some different reactions.

2. Validating the reaction for how scary or painful it is (the reaction is NOT stupid) is important.

3. Recognize the other bits that are contributing to why this particular thing feels so very bad.

4. Discard everything that is not super simply and objectively true.

I know we tend to be hyper intuitive and often right in our assumptions, but the bottom line is that that sh1t is not our business.

I'm interested to hear other people's behavioral recs!

No Problem! I don't know why you couldn't comment, sorry 😞 Maybe you are on your side blog or something (?). Anyway, that doesn't matter. Thanks for answering! I hope it's ok if I answer publicly.

What really bugs me about the whole RSD situation is, that objectively I know. My brain knows. That the person is just in a hurry, that it wasn't directed at me, that sometimes things upset people and you can't avoid negative reactions. That it is impossible to be everybody's darling. All that. But 5 minutes later I'm sitting in the corner, crying anyway. Like, bawling my eyes out. And that makes me feel incredibly immature, not being able to rationally go over my emotions and deal with them like an adult (like all the other adults) and instead cry, because a coworker told me I'm a bit loud sometimes. Which is exactly what happened today. I had to go home from work early (I'm fucking… in my mid 30s goddamn!!!! I'm a project manager!), because I was in tears and could't get a grip of myself. That coworker has never said anything remotely mean to me ever and I felt so betrayed. Why was he being all nice and stuff all the time, if he thought I was loud and obnoxious? I know that that is what adult people do. Talk about things. Make a joke or try do soften the blow of giving someone critique by wrapping it in a funny comment or a little quip. But that did not prevent me from dissolving in a complete melt down. And of course I feel so stupid for it. In hindsight, this whole situation is just hysterical. And additionally, I'm going to completely change the way I interact with that person in the future from now on. Not consciously, but yeah. Also I'm super scared to go back to work tomorrow. I feel humiliated by him saying I was obnoxiously loud sometimes and always had to comment everything, in front of all the other team members. And them agreeing, after I asked a few in private. I don't want to be seen at that place anymore. I'm so sure they've talked about me behind my back before that situation. There also is a 100% chance I'm making this up in my head and actually everyone already forgot. Except me. I'm sitting here all paranoid and puffy-eyed, sniffling like an idiot about things that can't be changed anymore.

Thanks for sharing your insights! I actually feel better now. I'm a bit sad to hear, that medication didn't help you. I don't want to self-diagnose too much, but I was reading a bit about RSD and medication and how treating the ADHD through medication can affect the RSD positively. But we'll see.

#mental health #rsd #adhd #rejection sensitive dysphoria

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Hey fellow freaks of tumblr,

at the ripe old age 35 I'm beginning to suspect I might have ADHD. Actually I've been carrying around that thought for some years now. There's currently noone in my life I can talk to about this. My partner refuses to believe me and stresses that I'm totally normal and like everyone else (I'm beginning to suspect he's got ADHD too and just thinks his experiences are the norm). But I don't see other people struggle with the same things I struggle with. I'm trying to get a doctor's appointment at the moment, which isn't easy.

What brought me to this point is the fact, that I'm pretty sure I have rejection sensitive dysphoria along with some other symptoms that make my life a living nightmare. Especially work, where I have little control over the environment.

Can the ADHD-side of tumblr maybe give me some tips on how to deal with RSD? It's going to take a pretty long time to get an appointment for diagnosis, so I thought I might try out some things in the meantime (it can't hurt, right? I mean, my hair dresser, who has ADHD and takes Ritalin for it, offered me her pills and I was very tempted. But maybe it's a bit of a smoother start to try some behavioral things first).

#adhd #mental health #rejection sensitive dysphoria #neurodiversity

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Intrusive thoughts 2.0

girl help I’m thinking about casting on a new pair of socks even though I’ve already got two sock wips

#intrusive thoughts #knitting #knitblr

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kind of shit at backgrounds, so i tried to practice.😭😭😭 anyways, dune video game concept

#omg i want that game #dune #it looks so good

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Finally finished my second pair of socks of the year! It's been a long life, y'all.

Pattern: twizzler socks

Yarn unknown

#this is the only correct way of knitting up variegated yarn #knitting #knitblr #sockblr #knitting socks

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Sock time! With the agender yarn @roboticchibitan dyed for me 🥰

Really love the pooling

I also thought about crocheting lace, but I'm not good enough at crocheting yet. Also it looked to busy. Loved the cameo effect though. Agender pride cameo is a joke that writes itself

#oooh they gonna look so good #great yarn #wonderfully dyed #the turquoise stitches overlapping into the grey part is the best #knitting #hand dyed yarn #sockblr #knitblr

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Hey, I know this blog is about knitting and the people following me would like to see knitting stuff, or so I guess. But I'm also a transportation engineer and urban planner by day and there is a lot of cool stuff out there that I thought some of you might want to see.

Therefore, HIGH LOOP be upon ye (image is clickable and takes you to the project website):

This is the Puji Road Bridge in Shanghai, that is supposed to be transformed into an elevated park "offering a unique urban journey". It connects the districts of Zhabei and Jing’an. From an architectural point of view, this walkway is fun, creative and has a unique and interesting aesthetic. The different colors are supposed to indicate different functionalities. Yellow indicates social activities like sitting and chatting or gastronomy. Magenta areas are supposed to invite the pedestrians to meander and enjoy the view of the river and cityscape. Green is a fast lane for scooters and bikes. And blue is just the background color and space for pop-up stores or event space. Cool cool....

I had to do a bit of digging around on google maps, but this is what it currently looks like and on the other side what it is supposed look like one day:

Except, from a transportation engineering perpective this thing is a nightmare!!! You wanna know why? Safety and order! Three things are just going to cause lots of issues and that are the colors, the road markings and the assigned spaces for the different groups of road users and the way they mingle.

The following is not supposed to be bashing cool new concepts for the fun of it, but is based on serious knowledge and experience from a professional and practical point of view.

We know from experience and recent research, how pedestrians decide where to walk. For example by sending them through a virtual reality environment or using eye tracking technology in the real world. Generally they are the ones most sensitive to detours, because they are the slowest group of road users. So, red is for pedestrians? Imagine being the wheelchair user or their companion in the lower right corner of the picture, having to walk the red line:

First of all, noone in their right mind is going to do that, not even when taking a walk and taking in the scenery. That's going to take forever.

Secondly, we know that pedestrians as well as any other participant in traffic need some kind of visual aid to know, what their designated space to use is, where does other participants' space begin and end etc. Even on streets dedicated to cars only, we need a division in lanes, as soon as a certain width is reached. That creates a feeling of safety and also gives people a general sense of order (which is what the brain wants in almost all kinds of situations in life). Usually in urban and transportation planning we try to work with axes. This bridge, I don't even know where to place this in terms of axes. There is not a single axis. You have to change direction all the time or you bump into something. Everything is all over the place. Look how many times the different paths cross. And then they want to let city scooters drive there? And what is that green line in the middle of the road? The murder lane? Dissecting the entire space into three parts, so you have to cross even more times, from left to right, from the yellow sun loungers on the right to the yellow sitting area on the left (which is probably catering or a pop-up store or whatever), from one view point to the sitting area? There are these flower pots (seemingly random), sometimes round, sometimes oblong. And people walking on the blue parts???? Which are dedicated to what exactly?? Just think of how annoying it is to walk somewhere and having to bypass even the smallest obstacle, inconveniently placed.

Lastly, no road marking on the entire thing looks like established standards. Most people don't even know the meaning of road markings, they don't see very often. Let alone something they have never seen before. What is the difference between the red and the white dashed line? Why is the white one left and then right on the fast lane? Why does it stop and start again in the middle of nowhere? Does it make a difference for me and my scooter, where the white stripes are? Where do the bikes go, whre the scooters? What if you are faster and have to overtake? And why do the stripes suddenly stop and the regular doted line divides the lanes?

I dream of this design at night and wake up crying. But it's fun to look at.

#urban planning #urban design #transportation engineering #pedestrian walkway #not knitting

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Heyyyy, remember the sunset socks I knitted last year? They are thriving. Whipped them out this weekend in perfect time for lovely lovely spring weather.

#knitting #knitblr #sockblr #knitting socks

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#adhd

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Anyway, socks finished.

They look so tasty. A bit like bismuth. And I have so much yarn left over that I‘m very likely going to knit more socks like these with different parts of the gradient. Like a green/turquoise/blue combination, maybe with a hint of yellow.

I‘m in my odd socks era and nothing‘s gonna stop me. I'm going to make 4 socks, all different from each other.

I really can't do anything brain related at the moment. Socks it is then. Tried shadow wraps for the heel stitches. Not convinced yet (you can still see small holes in the corners), but had fun trying it and it still looks better than my regular heel stitches in german short row heels. She still looks gorgeous and is very much giving Pat Benatar.

#knitting socks #sockblr #knitblr #sock knitting #knitting #rainbow

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I‘m knitting the second sock and I‘m not happy with the shadow wrap heel. The second one turned out even more gross than the first. What the FUCK 😡

I‘m leaving it that way. Next time I‘m going to knit my regular german short row heel as usual again.

I really can't do anything brain related at the moment. Socks it is then. Tried shadow wraps for the heel stitches. Not convinced yet (you can still see small holes in the corners), but had fun trying it and it still looks better than my regular heel stitches in german short row heels. She still looks gorgeous and is very much giving Pat Benatar.

#knitblr #sockblr #knitting #sock knitting #knitting socks #shadow wrap

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is 30s too late for a career change how to change careers how to become evil sorcerer evil sorcerer salaries evil sorceror indeed dot com

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You got booped by Panini the wanderer frog

He likes you very much and wishes you good booping day

(or only day if you aren't into booping)

He also documented it on his little journal

#look at this little guy #knitting #knitblr #frog