imperfect-seraph

[imperfect-seraph]

I have these moments when I'm hopeless, just aching for affection, for touch, alone and thinking why it's so hard to find someone like me? I'm constantly missing someone that doesn't exists, I just wish and daydream about them, about having someone by my side, by listening them talk about stuff they like while I have an arm around them and just be happy with them, enjoying the moment, how I would put them close to me and hug them or kiss them or hold them, how much I would love to be huged by them too, and sure, maybe it isn't healthy to think those stuff, but it's really that bad? Wanting to share and be with someone else who gets you? To care and count on someone else? I'm just tired to be left alone and pushed aside man, I drink to forget it but it only make it worse, make me weak enough that I can't control it, my heart breaks, twist and aches more and all I can think it's that I can't cry, I won't cry, because I can't show how weak I am, how much I would sacrifice for just a bit of love, just a bit of touch, just a bit of affection.

#touchstarved

[imperfect-seraph]

Being touchstarved is sickening, it's heartbreaking, the feeling of missing something, someone who is right there, how lonely it's everyday and it gets worse when more people is around you, how your hand itchs for contact and all you can do is stare at peoples hands, wishing, dreaming of holding them, how awful is to finally have a hug and know that it wasn't enough time to stop it, how selfish you feel because you want, need more, how awkward would feel to ask for any of it so you shut up about it, shove it down and be thankful that you got any contact at all, and it's fucking embarrasing when you finally ask and all you get is a weird stared and a 'no', because you are not worthy, you are not special, you are not a lover, and other people don't really crave touch like you do so they don't want it

#touchstarved

[imperfect-seraph]

Ughhh, bro, there was this girl that was beside me for a class (jumping) and god, her face, her body, the way she carried herself, it was beautiful, she was so fucking cute, and it's dumb because I didn't even notice her that much before and I did now bcs we touched hands accidentally (there wasn't that much space for the equipment) and once she plain told me to guide her on some steps, I don't know why but that shit just make me feel right, good, and probably won't see her anymore but yeah, she is lovely and got me lovestruck pretty fucking hard

#she probably doesn't even remember me #I was a coward and didn't get her number #or her name #i know she doesnt know mine #I was the only guy there but still noone knows it #the teacher called me bald when needed my attention one time #in a good way #im not bald I swear #but I guess I have less hair than them? #I don't know what tf im talking about at this point

[imperfect-seraph]

I've been eating lunch feeling the hammering of my heart in my throat only because I got the anxious feeling that someone (a familiar) is gonna enter the house and see me eating, the amount of guilt that I have everytime I eat anything is stupid, now is a fucking salad and all I can think of is how useless I am and the only thing I can do is consume shit that I don't deserve.

I'm weighting 57kg and I'm so fucking ugly in my eyes, I still can see the same fat boy I was years before, all the loose skin and marks that leaved in my body is something for sure, oh but when I actually see some difference the amount of joy is amazing, I don't love being the typical skinny guy, I wish I was muscular but man, better than the alternative, but yeah, it's not fucking funny how I'm so fucking close to having a panick attack everytime I eat, or how sometimes I can actually enjoy it and later I spend hours regretting it, oh! And how I prefer to die instead of accepting food from other people (chocolate for example) and can't really explain why I can't accept it

#I'm probably gonna get fucking cancelled but I make the conection with fatness with women because I got misgender when I was like that #so ofcrs all the suffering of it i relate it to that #also I was taught that I should eat everything on my plate and don't waste anything #so now I feel awful when I have to throw away food #And I won't tell anyone about my problem with food because in my mind is a women thing to have a eating disorder #dysphoria can be a stupid bitch sometimes

[imperfect-seraph]

Hate when people assume or suspect that I'm gay

Why? What gay signal I'm throwing at your gaydars that I'm not aware of?

#I'm bisexual #I'm that predictable? #I want the element of surprise #usually is the opposite tho #I'm seen as hetero for the way I am #that means I can shock people when i say it casually

[imperfect-seraph]

I always knew theres a difference in my personality when i'm online and irl, and yes it's because online is , not joking, with what I grew up with, where I did find a shelter for my trauma, my panic attacks, my bad thoughts, where I learned a lot of stuff, where I could seek advice instead of my parents or other people, but also because in here I don't really have to suppress my emotions and can simp for men freely, and the best of it is that theres more people like me

#I say simp but I honestly look at them to admire their qualities and try to guide myself with the things I wish I could have #why I should struggle with it when I can change #and yes #women too #but that I kinda can do it irl #i don't have a problem being percevied as hetero because thats the norm #but im akward when I lean to my gay preferences #bisexual online hetero irl

[imperfect-seraph]

I'm daydreaming with a story that I genuinely love from beggining to end, my mind is so tormented with forgeting things that it makes me write the concepts, the scenes and even draw parts of it.

I'm never gonna write it, not the way I would like, not the way I could actually show you how I see it, how I imagine it, so for once I really wish that you could read my mind, so you could feel how wrecked with emotions I am with this.

#I don't know how people can write down a story without collapsing with frustration #maybe i'm just lazy #or afraid #wtvr #this fic is gonna be just for me

[imperfect-seraph]

Y'all don't understand how much, how many fucking feelings go through me when I listen to some good happy song (in this case touch tank - quinnie) and relate it to Destiel, I- my god, I'm like I had zero problems in my life, everything is amazing, good, worth living for

Those fuckers needed a happy ending, and for me they did have it, they are happy with eachother somewhere, idc what the writers or anyone say

#more often than not I wish I had someone like that #because you can't tell me they aren't devoted to each other #just look at them #spn #supernatural #destiel

[imperfect-seraph]

I'm bisexual, why I feel so gay all of the sudden, I'm having the constantly realization of "Fuck I love men" yk? What happened to my straightness

#Honestly? I don't complain

[imperfect-seraph]

I can't really explain it but in the mornings I am either so annoyed by everything that I'm thinking of punching you in different ways because you interrupted my thought about moths having a tea party with bees OR I just want hugs and tell you that you are the most beautiful human being known to man

#we don't talk about what happens to me at 2 am #i don't know him

[imperfect-seraph]

Why I found this so fucking funny

#happy mishapocalypse eve #mishapocalypse #misha collins #supernatural #tumblr memes #tumblr history #spn #april fools day #destiel

[imperfect-seraph]

Just watched the pilot for gotham knights, I thought it would be way worse because of the reviews, It's pretty good ngl

Also, Misha

#if that man is in it I would try to watch it #and tbh I'm waiting for the next episode #gotham knights #misha collins

[imperfect-seraph]

I'm stunned, until today I had not listened to Radio Company, their new album Keep on Ramblin'? Amazing, now I'm proud to say I'm a fan

#radio company #keep on ramblin #jensen ackles #steve carlson

[imperfect-seraph]

I'm so lonely, stressed and drunk, I think this is gonna be my year

#well anyway #love y'all #happy new year

[imperfect-seraph]

I'm rewatching supernatural, right now in the end of the season 3, I'm just excited about all the things that are going to happen next, I fucking love this show man.

#I'm like finally #castiel

[imperfect-seraph]

Ngl, I liked this scene

#spn #supernatural

[imperfect-seraph]

You learned that in therapy?