magmagmag

[magmagmag]

I'm so glad that y'all are so into Monkey Man and the badass hijra priestess army, but friendly reminder that hijra are NOT trans women. Hijra are their own distinct gender; trans women are women. India has both :)

[magmagmag]

pls where can i acquire the haunted shamisen

Your straight male friends after two beers: "Hgey man can I smell your hair"

Your friend with the haunted shamisen: [plucks a baleful chord of ill portent]

[magmagmag]

you should be able to say "line" if you don't know what to say in a social situation

[magmagmag]

i have to get rid of the feeling that i have to justify myself for starting hrt (extra so because diy, and therefore comes with the cop-in-my-head-internalized-transphobia shameful notion of 'but no mental&physical healthcare professional is watching over my transition!?'). had the realization that (firstly, and this merits standing on its own!!), even tho it's just been two and a half weeks, i'm feeling a FUCKTON more comfortable, with myself and my life, already. and secondly (big reason for that), for the last couple years (!!) i constantly felt stuck at that crossroad between transitioning* and denying this part of who i am (and frequently rediscovering that going back has always been impossible) yet being too scared to continue in that only available direction. i've said to myself and to others 'fuck, this is too hard and exhausting, i'm quitting gender, i simply won't think about it anymore!' multiple times, only to continue to be consumed by desperate thoughts about it anyways. doing something that has real, physical consequences (body is reality!! that includes brain chemistry btw!!) has lifted a gigantic weight from my psyche.

for myself, this is literally the only justification i need. i can relax that muscle now, the one that's been tensed up to the point of convulsion for so long. all the rest, the couple of necessary cases of having to explain myself to others, of letting people know who i am, are really just theatrics at this point. i just wish that wasn't true for my cis friends, the ones who i think do not quite understand and are too uncertain, even scared, to ask me things directly about it. but to be fair to them, i have been HELLA awkward talking about it with them so far, and with such a personal and intimate (as well as so unfortunately politically loaded) thing, i can't really expect them to supply the open and relaxed interaction energy i need to be able to really make myself known now, can i? maybe that part will get easier with time. but even if not, it's okay to exist with them while remaining sorta unexplained i guess?? but this feels a bit like settling for way too low expectations. hate ending this on such a note of uncertainty, but.. ah well. baby steps.

(*i've really developed such a difficult relationship to that term, transitioning, because there's still a part of me that understands it in such a binary, easily summarized, devoid-of-nuance-and-complexity way, like 'crossing from man to woman or vice versa', and feeling like 'no.. that's.. not what i'm doing.. this is something else..' - and then i remember that i'm nonbinary and language is a bitch. i genuinely believe this modern concept of nonbinary genders is still so early in its solidification into a social and cultural phenomenon that we don't have the language to properly talk about it yet - at least not in the two languages i know! not that it is in any way a 'new' thing, but the way we are starting to understand and express it is!)

[magmagmag]

i always default to the assumption that people who like me like me despite myself, never for myself

[magmagmag]

most problems will go away if you ignore them. of course they'll resurface with greater intensity, so you have to ratchet up your ignorance every time. luckily this can go on forever, until you die in some strange- assuredly unrelated- way

[magmagmag]

therapy isn't enough, i need to be formatted and given a fresh OS install

[magmagmag]

Diane, 11:30 AM, February 24th.

Entering the town of Twin Peaks, five miles south of the Canadian border, twelve miles west of the state line.

I’ve never seen so many trees in my life.

[magmagmag]

[magmagmag]

you know, i’ve heard that saying that’s like “don’t trust your seemingly life-shattering realizations that come to you at x am, just go to sleep” but

well first of all i’ve been awake for about 33 hours so i’m well past that point anyways, and secondly, at least i’m having Thoughts right now i guess? my head is completely empty when i’m going through my regular patterns, just an automaton android, breathing just because it’s a habit.

this is the second time in the last two weeks that i’m putting myself on sleep deprivation on purpose. i’m not even telling myself anymore that it’s an attempt to fix my sleep schedule or something, it’s straight up self harm, just an impotent attempt to break out of the monotony, to feel something. and it awakens some sense of desperate.. i don’t know, a burning desire to fix myself, to start trying to fix myself again. as if my entire life hasn’t been permeated by a sense of trying to fix myself, since as far back as i can remember.

and i can’t even get a handle on what exactly i should be trying to fix anymore. i miss therapy, and for weeks now i’ve been fantasizing about going back to the clinic once more, playing out pretend therapy sessions in my head, with some faceless young inexperienced and mostly bored psychologist fresh out of university, since that’s how it usually is at clinic. thinking about topics i’d like to discuss, maybe i just haven’t found that one repressed memory or misunderstood life event yet that’ll be the key to fix me.. as if i haven’t gone over literally every memory i could conjure up at least thrice in my, like, 15 years or therapy. as if i haven’t been to that same fucking clinic 4 times already. as if any of it ever changed anything in any meaningful way.

i think i’m literally addicted to therapy and i’ve run out of veins to inject it into.

and i even know what my main problem is, it’s my passivity, my unwavering determination to settle for the bare minimum of survival, my inability to go for anything i want in life out of my own drive and determination.

i just had something that, to my mind high on sleep deprivation, felt like an epiphany, a thought that made me pause and go “oh wow, holy shit.”: i’ve never even had a relationship that i initiated myself. there’s one that’s maybe a semi-exception, but then again, not really. whenever i’ve had something that for all intents and purposes could’ve been called a relationship, it started because i happened to be existing in a place (and most of the time, that place was.. yeah, clinic) where someone perceived me and thought “oh, okay, yeah, i can see this happening” and pursued me, and the most tragic result of that is that, more often than not, i’ve been in relationships where i wasn’t even in love with my partner. relationships that happened just because.. they picked me and i was too passive and bored with life to say no. somehow i both feel like that was, again and again, really cruel and inconsiderate of me and also kind of a dick move from the universe? i don’t know.

the ‘semi-exception but not really’ was of course c. i initially pursued her and she wasn’t interested, but then a year or two later, when i was already over her and in a relationship with someone else, she reconsidered i guess and decided it was a good time to burst back into my life. i think at that point she wasn’t actually specifically looking for me, she was just expanding her methods of self destructive behaviours to include meaningless sex and i was just.. one of several options, in a ‘fuck it, why not’ way. the fact that i was in a relationship probably made it more interesting to her. yeah. she obviously had her own issues, but she also straight up wasn’t a very good person. on the other hand, i cheated on my partner with her that night, so i clearly wasn’t much better really. who the fuck am i to judge.

anyways, it didn’t stay meaningless at all. what happened there was the first real, deep, intimate connection i made with someone in forever. and i couldn’t say it to her during our entire relationship, nor to myself after the breakup for a long time because the pain and the, yes, trauma she left in her wake were too bad, but.. i loved her. like crazy. despite all the drama and the pain and the fucked up things she did to me (and.. i to her? i’m still unsure on that point), despite the fact that she was the person that taught me how it feels to be scared to loose someone you love (and i mean that both in the breakup and in the suicide way)..

i wonder how she’d feel if she knew. about what i’m thinking about her, about the fact that i still sometimes think about her with this amount of intensity. i wonder what she’s thinking about me, after all this time. or if she even still thinks about me at all. i wonder how she is doing. if she managed to find a way to deal with life. to flourish. i wonder if she’d feel pity or sympathy for me if she knew i still haven’t.

...

so these are the two things my mind is coming back to, again and again, in the last couple of weeks. clinic and her. longing for the place where i’ve experienced being able to connect with people, in whatever maladaptive and impermanent way; and dwelling on the past. what does that tell me? i don’t fucking now. i’m experiencing loneliness i guess, again.

#vent #tw suicide #tw self harm

[magmagmag]

Second day home from the clinic and it’s getting bad again immediately. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m broken. I feel sick, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything even tho I’m trying to stay busy, and I have this disgusting depression knot in my chest again. Is my happiness really this dependant on other people?

#depression #anxiety #mental illness

[magmagmag]

therapy diary

focus on gender identity or my isolationism and ‘being invisible’ and self presentation and ‘the mortifying ordeal of being known/seen/perceived’? - although those are all obviously connected

talking about escapism in terms of addiction

self-efficacy vs waiting for the universe to offer me opportunities to switch from cave-mode to social-mode - and how much work am I willing to do if I see an opening - and the deeply ingrained, intolerable embarrassment of openly wanting something and then visibly failing, especially socially, while trying to get it - it’s easy when someone drags me somewhere, e.g. a social event, because I won’t be scared of being held accountable for my weirdness if I’m not there out of my own agency and desire

also What the Fuck is a Gender - i.e. why is it still so hard to start talking about it therapeutically and what is that vague stubbornness - afraid of analyzing it away? “gender? yeah I had that once, but then I went to therapy and talked about it until it evaporated”

#therapy #diary #nonbinary

[magmagmag]

..and the album cover for Akuma No Uta by Boris, referencing this picture <3

The doomed romantic figure, Nick Drake.

[magmagmag]

Oh my god

thinking abt that specific type of intimacy from being in someone’s bedroom for the first time, & you’re poking around their items, & they’re reclined backwards on their bed telling you all the little stories while they follow you around the room with their eyes, & you feel it

[magmagmag]

Sometimes tutorials for speedrunning games that include the use of glitches really read like a weird genre of horror

Like “At this point, you can only walk backwards. Whatever you do, do not turn around. You cannot look at the village! If you catch even a glimpse of the village, the forbidden rock will be loaded into your consoles memory and your game will crash!”

[magmagmag]

Somehow Cyberpunk 2077, in its entire presentation, manages to be the straightest game I have ever played, even despite the fact that you can have gay sex in it.

Disappointing, to say the least.

#cyberpunk 2077 #gaming

[magmagmag]

(Disregard my other ask please, I'm stupid) Hey CT, I made a ambient/drone music thing the other day when I was experimenting with a few guitar pedals looped back into themselves and the result reminded me of you. I wanna offer it to you for a fortune (and I wanna ask if it's okay if I call it "Caretaker's Lullaby"?). Can't put a link here, but I put it on youtube: /watch?v=CcgIB8LvpNY

HOW WONDERFUL! THANK YOU DEAR

#excited happy noises