mylifeasteejeh

[mylifeasteejeh]

i don’t want to go to sleep i want to be famous

[mylifeasteejeh]

I laughed like a crackhead

I was in one of those “we’re taking your money because you’re an idiot who pays for increasing the difficulty level of the exam that you won’t be able to clear anyways” institutes, preparing for NEET (no I’m not doing MBBS). You remember that weird-awkward-person, who doesn’t know how to walk, sit and look at things making the person in front of them, feel one of these things:

a. Horrified

b. Creeped out

c. Scared that there’s something wrong with them

Yes, the same person who either overshares or turns on the mute mode, in the name of talking. I am that person. SO, like all the annoying assholes, my classmates thought that it was a great idea to harass the teachers and nice people like me, by forcing the teachers to sing a song on the teacher's day. I know I know what you’re thinking: it’s just a song, moreover, it’s understandable that the teachers are mortified but why the heck are you pretending to be a victim here? Well, my teacher ( a 40-year-old who teaches chemistry) chose a romantic-Bollywood movie song, the song was “Jug jhumeya”.

While he was singing, the entire class was listening with the full concentration--90% of these idiots would have cleared NEET if they paid 40% of this attention to the lectures--and me who was sitting in the middle row, in front of him, ON THE FIRST BENCH, laughed out my “screeching and wheezing like a dying cat, rolling on the floor, crying ugly tears, punching your desk, banging your head on the desk and clutching your stomach” laugh. The entire class was silent except for yours truly. And my professor looked at me, losing my shit but he didn’t stop singing.

I was not laughing because he was a bad singer (he was okayish). I WAS LAUGHING BECAUSE THIS SONG IS RIDICULOUS AND I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO LAUGHS IN SERIOUS SITUATIONS. I felt like an asshole.

Oh, and did I mention that I also blush when I should not be blushing? As expected my body doesn’t function like a normal human being, you will find me blushing even when I’m vomiting. You may think, it’s okay to turn into an inedible gross looking tomato. NO, it’s not. At least not in a situation like this one, when people around you equate blushing to liking someone. I fucking blush for no reason at all. Half of the time you’ll find me sitting in a corner, looking at my phone, blushing hard and you'll think that I’m having phone sex. Ha, you wish, most of the time I’m looking up the books that I can read, reading memes related to books, or reading some murder mystery.

I’m pretty sure that no one even remembers this, let alone my teacher ( he wouldn’t even remember my name), but will this knowledge stop me from getting embarrassed and torturing myself, whenever my disturbing brain goes “but do you remember what happened in season 2, ep 17  of the shitty experiences of Tejasvini?”

This happened three years ago and I still wake up at 3 am in the morning because of the nightmares I have about this incident. This memory like every other embarrassing situation I have created for myself and comes back to me in random places— when I’m pushing the poop out in the middle of the day, taking a shower, planning how Kim Taehyung will fall in love with me, planning what I’ll do in situations that are never going to happen, thinking about depressing things like why don’t we have Barnes and Nobel and Victoria’s Secret where I live, Marrying Kim Taehyung, Thinking about why my poop looks dark brown, farting, applying random DIY beauty scrubs I see on the internet, talking to myself, more pooping, convincing myself to join a yoga class (don't worry I won't let those sexy + healthy people of Instagram ruin me), imagining myself as a bad bitch princess, planning my Oscar-winning speech, creating an outline about my life success story (I LIKE TO BE PREPARED, trust me nothing is worse than stuttering when someone asks you to tell them about your life. there are enough celebrity interview to prove this), lying in the bed and staring at the ceiling— they knock on my mind-door and make me cringe and cry. Then, like an idiot, I overthink the situation for 2-3 days and try to enjoy my non-existent life in the breaks my third-degree --torture inducing-- voice takes to re-charge itself.

ANYWAYS, do you remember when you were eating an McD ice cream and how you spilt it all over yourself in the middle of a street? I wonder what that hot guy over there might be thinking about your stick-hands and frizzy hair covered in ice-cream:)

#this is embarassing #embarrassing #high school #teacher #storytime #study blog #fuck my life #can i just die #this is not funny #poop

[mylifeasteejeh]

my sister just told me a story about someone she knew who graduated two years early on account of and i quote ‘Not wanting to deal with high school bs’ this person is in college as of currently AND IF THAT ISN'T THE POWERMOVE OF THE CENTURY I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS

damn that is a powermove

[mylifeasteejeh]

The coronavirus is like when Ron couldn’t stop throwing up slugs, except it’s completely different

you’re right it’s exactly like that but completely different

[mylifeasteejeh]

i am CONVINCED that the reason taylor swift fans love reading fantasy has to do with the fact that we all feel emotions quite deeply and fantasy just blows those emotions OUT OF SCALE.

thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[mylifeasteejeh]

i don’t want to go to sleep i want to be famous

[mylifeasteejeh]

when ur friend is watching one of ur fav tv shows but u dont wanna give away any spoilers 

[mylifeasteejeh]

having a permanent full time job is you thinking to yourself “so this is really the rest of my life huh” as you come home every single day before using your 4 hours of recreational activity to do nothing and then going to bed

[mylifeasteejeh]

This bitch told me that I think that she's jealous of me. Why the fuck would I think that and also I don't like to interact with people who are jealous of me. Wtf is wrong with people these days?

#family #problems #idk why #seriously wtf #for some reason #booklr #booknerd #bookdragon #bookworld #bookaholic

[mylifeasteejeh]

I don't like people who make me feel like I did something wrong when I’m not at fault. I don't like people who try to lift themselves up by bringing others down these are the worst kind of creatures 🙄

#people #all things considered #booklr #bookdragon #booknerd #bookaholic #bookworld #netflix #stupid

[mylifeasteejeh]

I'm the kind of person who’ll always love people fiercely and give them my everything, whatever I can, whenever I can. And I think it's beautiful but this trait always ends up hurting me. This is why I'm always wary of people. Maybe I will find a person who never makes me doubt and let me speak my mind, allows me to be myself but until that happens I think I will keep on hurting myself.

#booklr #bookdragon #booknerd #bookaholic #bookworld #spilled thoughts #cancerian

[mylifeasteejeh]

Grief positivity

Shoutout to the people with uncommon ways of grieving

Shoutout to the people who can’t talk about their loved one without crying

Shoutout to grieving students who are trying to balance school and coping

Shoutout to the people who still haven’t fully comprehended everything that’s happened

Shoutout to the people who are fine one day then cry for hours the next

Shoutout to the people who don’t cry

Shoutout to the people who feel like they can’t talk to anyone about their loved one

Shoutout to the people who lay awake at night thinking about everything they’ve lost

Shoutout to the people who don’t have closure

Shoutout to the people who feel like they can’t move on

Shoutout to the people who feel like they aren’t grieving the right way

I feel you. Just keep going, you can get through this.

[mylifeasteejeh]

🌿 i made a list of some things i can do when i’m bored, and i thought i’d share in case it might be useful for someone else too

[mylifeasteejeh]

me, getting dressed: ok so which fictional character are we manifesting in place of a fixed identity on this dire autumn morning

[mylifeasteejeh]

Why are girls such haters? At first this confession page is all about hate for CL… now it is all about hate for Blackpink. Stop hating on other successful women, y'all mad petty and have low self esteem TBH.

[mylifeasteejeh]

Today was a very bad day for me. I worked all night, and then was up most of the afternoon. I'd been alone for about an hour when I started to have a panic attack. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't calm down. So, I reached out. I knew I wouldn't be able to slow my breathing for myself, but to have a conversation with a friend, just maybe. I figured it was a long shot, but I was surprised to find that 1) he was awake and 2) he was willing to be on the phone while I was so raw.

We spent 45 minutes on the phone, talking me down, getting me breathing normally, and the entire time, he reminded me that I was valid, that I had nothing to worry about in calling him, that he would always be there. This friend has always been a calming force in my life, and he really helped me today. I've helped him, his boyfriend, their parents, and I never expect to have my energy put back into me. Today has showed me, once again, that I must be at least a decent person... otherwise no one would want to help.

Today does not define me, or eradicate the progress I'd made toward self love. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I am worthy, I am trying, it will get better. I'm exhausted, I have to work tonight, and have to cope with being in a house where I am neither validated or appreciated, but it WILL get better. Tomorrow is a new day.

[mylifeasteejeh]

I’ve always felt empowered by Zack Snyder’s portrayals of Superman and Batman since I relate to them and view them as harshly realistic yet hopeful symbols for depression and PTSD respectively, so as someone who struggles with both – who absolutely hates it when people tell me to “just smile” – it is very disheartening to see the media post articles with headlines such as “JL Finally Gets Superman Right” just because WB made him tell one-liner jokes through a CGI-plastered smile.

Hope does not equate to smiling. Hope is the willpower to keep fighting in the face of overwhelming darkness. Zack Snyder taught me that.