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"You've knocked the fireplace prone."

My party was infiltrating the BBEG's office (he moonlights as a university professor), when several objects came to life and started attacking us. After we one-shot killed a couple of sculptures, a gargoyle, and a reanimated vegepygmy, the fireplace suddenly came to life. As soon as it did, our ratfolk monk/barbarian murderhobo drank a growth potion, activated his rage, and decided to suplex the fireplace. He cleared the roll, ripped it out of the wall, and proceeded to use his action surge to "3 Amigos" it into the desk behind him. This of course prompted my DM to inform us that the fireplace was now prone, while remarking that he was pretty sure he invented a new sentence.

After we finished off the fireplace, my character glowered at the iron maiden in the corner of the room, and I rolled intimidation to tell it to "Fucking TRY us!". While the iron maiden was unfazed, the unseen door mimic right next to it broke down crying and begging us not to hurt it after witnessing the prior insanity.

#dungeons and dragons #d&d 5e #wrestling #story time

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For humans, it's arm-wrestling. For Halflings it's a rap battle. For Yuan-ti, it's a dance-off. And Gith are just happy to finally get some attention.

To convince the orcs to join you, you must defeat the leader in a hot wing eating contest

­For elves its a three month long poetry slam, for dwarves its a drinking contest, for goblins you just run off into the wilderness and whoever comes back with the coolest thing wins

#d&d

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What's the matter, sweetie? You hardly touched your Funyun Juice.

#funyuns #shitty food porn #drink up

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I was half-expecting that vending machine to start running away.

Jesse was just talking to the plants but she got a nice opportunity to show off.

#control game

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"Don't worry, pal. We'll "take care of" them, alright. You just enjoy your trip and leave the rest to us..."

*cut to 3 mobsters gleefully playing with my cats while I'm on a business trip*

Years ago, you accidently helped a mob boss change a flat while transporting a corpse, being promised a “Favour” in return. Now, desperate, you seek them out to cash in your favour.

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TIL the reason Disney Channel shows get renamed all the time is because of a contractual loophole that lets them pay their actors less than minimum wage.

#sag aftra #sag strike #disney #wtf #til

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I know nothing about Sonic lore, but this sounds canon.

Shadow the Hedgehog came over to my house, ate all my KitKats and left. He never said a word.

#sonic the hedgehog

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Isn't that just a goth kid?

You have Vampiric Blood running through your veins. However, that blood comes from quite a few generations back, so all it really means is that you like eating meat, can’t swim, get mildly annoyed by religious architecture, and get sunburned really easily.

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Ladies, you must be at least this blunt when you flirt with us. Otherwise, we will not take the hint.

#introvert problems #flirting #men are clueless #neurodivergent

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What if Tumblr rebranded itself as "Twitter"? Imagine the chaos...

#What could musk do about it? #He abandoned the brand name #He shouldn't be surprised that someone would give it a good home.

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So... it’s a Crypto Dragon?

You thought fiat currency would keep you safe from gold-hoarding dragons? You fool. Now they want to hoard people's abstract concept of value and that's gonna mess up way more than just burning your crops or whatever.

I love the idea that a dragon has horded the abstract concept of "finding something valuable".

You pull out a weapon to fight it. Is it a good weapon? No-one knows! You need to liberate the concept from the value dragon!

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All movies that are "based on a true story" take place within the same cinematic universe.

#shower thoughts

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Reverse Isekai.

Some pedestrian ran out in front of your truck, and you hit him. So why, now, are you and your shitbox Ford in a strange stone and wood town, with a fox-person yelling into the passenger window directions on how to kill the King of the Liches? Well, at least the fuel gauge is stuck on full.

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I wonder if Yuri Lowenthal has an evil twin named Yaoi Highenthnone.

#shower thoughts #i need to sleep #yuri lowenthal

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Anyone else find it extremely weird whenever they hear birds chirping in the middle of the night? Like, do you have any idea what time it is? You should've been in bed hours ago.

#birds #you're daytime animals #what are you doing?

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OCD haikus

arranged properly

are least syllables to most.

#haiku #ocd #neurodivergent