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oneofhismanyclouds · 1 month

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౨ৎ ━━━━ 𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑠𝑖𝑧𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑑 ﹒ ( 방찬⠀ )

♡ ( genre⠀ ) … bang chan x reader, ANGST, smut, fluff eventually, non idol au (but chan is a producer)

✿ ( word count⠀ ) … 7.4k words

✿ ( warnings⠀ ) … oral sex (fem rec), unprotected sex, penetrative (p in v) sex, cumming inside, swearing, pet names, reader calls him chris, lots of angst, crying, breaking up & getting back together, let me know if i missed anything ‹3

⭓ ( note⠀ ) … i listened to king size bed by alec benjamin and knew i needed to write something for channie based on this. MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

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The sun has long since set when you check your phone for the umpteenth time. Chan promised he’d be home by eleven. You should have known he wouldn’t keep that promise. He hardly ever comes home on time these days.

You sigh and tuck your phone under your pillow before pulling the blankets tighter around you and curling up against the wall, trying to leave enough space on the twin bed for Chan. Just in case he decides to come home tonight.

It wasn’t always like this. When you and Chan first started dating, it was magical. Chan always made sure to make time for you and you did the same for him too. The two of you explored new places, vacationed together, met each others’ families, tried new restaurants and Chan was the perfect gentleman always. Things didn’t really change between the two of you until you decided to get an apartment together.

When you moved in together, Chan stayed later at work, little by little. Not every night at first, but it wasn’t long before it got that bad. He figured you saw each other everyday since you lived together, so there was no reason to go “above and beyond” anymore (his words during your last argument). And maybe he’s right about that. Maybe there’s no reason for any of that. Maybe you’re asking for too much. Still, it’d be nice to know he still cares, even a little bit.

Because now it doesn’t ever even feel like he’s there.

You’re left with your unsettling thoughts for another night. Another lonely night. Without your boyfriend—the person who is supposed to reassure you. You think and think and think until it almost drives you crazy. You think until you finally sleep. And you sleep until you finally wake up again.

To an empty bed. Like always.

The twin sized bed feels too big without Chan there, even though it’s the smallest bed you’ve ever slept on. You really didn’t even care about the size of the bed as long as you get to share it with him. But still, he’d made a promise he hadn’t followed through with—he never bought a bigger bed for the two of you. Maybe that’s where things started. Maybe it started with broken promises and silent heart aches.

You sigh and get out of bed. You have to make a decision. Maybe you need to talk to Chan about things before you do, but the bigger part of your brain convinces you not to. You think to yourself, it’s not like he’ll even change anyway. He never does. As much as you wish he would.

You make a decision. And it hurts. And you want to go back on it so many times, but you cannot keep doing this to yourself. It just hurts too much.

You call your friend, Yeji, to ask if you can stay with her in a week or so and then you pack your things and move them into a storage unit little by little. Chan doesn’t even seem to notice. He doesn’t notice the way your things disappear from your shared bedroom and the entire apartment. He doesn’t even notice how you distance yourself from him on the rare occasions he is home. Not that there’s much more distance to even be had. It all hurts so much.

When did everything change and why? Are you not enough for him? Is he bored of you now? Has he been regretting moving in together? Where did it all go wrong? If you’d been a better partner—a better support to him—would things be different now? You hate how everything is turning out. You just want your love back.

You’re hoping you can just slip out while Chan is staying late at the studio. The last of your things will fit into a duffle bag you brought with you from Yeji’s apartment. You would leave quietly, write him a note and leave it where he’ll find it so he knows it’s over. You just can’t face him. You might end up staying if you do.

But lady luck is not on your side tonight. For once in his damn life, Chan comes home at 10:00 p.m. You zip up the duffle bag and sign the letter, leaving it on his pillow before trying to hurry past him in the living room. But he stops you. Of course he does. Because luck is not on your side tonight.

“Where are you going?” Chan asks, surprise lacing his voice. “I didn’t realize you had a trip planned.”

And you shouldn’t bite back. You shouldn’t be snarky or take out your anger on him just as you’re leaving. But you’re only human and you can’t help it and he deserves it.

“Maybe you’d actually know things about me and what I’m doing and where I’m going if you were ever actually home.”

His jaw drops and his eyes widen in shock. His mouth opens and closes as he tries to find the words to say. “Oh. Baby, I didn’t realize I—”

“How do you not fucking realize that, Chris?” You snap, exasperatedly. He looks like a kicked puppy. You almost feel guilty, you almost want to take it back, you almost want to give in and hold him again.

“Baby, I’m sorry. I’ll come home earlier, okay? What if we have date night tomorrow?”

And he’s so sweet and it’s so hard to resist him and you just want to be in his arms. You know he’s not a bad person. You know he didn’t do it to hurt you. But he did hurt you. “No, Chris. We can’t.”

“No, I’ll even take the day off—”

“This just isn’t… working anymore, Chris.” You finally gasp, clutching your duffle bag closer to your chest and looking anywhere but into his eyes. If you do, you’ll cave. You’re already seconds away from it. His eyes draw you in. You want him so bad. You just want things to go back to the way they were.

He clears his throat uncomfortably, searching for the right words again. When he speaks, his voice sounds so sad that your heart breaks a little more. “I… What do you mean? I-I can do better. I’ll be better, just—please, don’t leave me—”

“No, I-I can’t keep doing this to myself, Chris! I’ve waited around for you to change for so long. I just can’t do it anymore.”

“So you’re just…” He swallows thickly and crosses his arms over his chest, holding himself together. “You’re just leaving, then?”

“I’m going to stay with a friend until I can find myself an apartment. I already moved my things out, so you don’t have to worry about it.” You sigh and squeeze your eyes shut, willing yourself not to cry. Not yet.

Chan nods stiffly and you back towards the door, inching closer and closer to your escape—to your own heartbreak. When you finally risk a glance up at Chan, he’s crying, albeit a bit more gracefully than you would be if you would let yourself go. Your chest feels too tight. Chan sighs and wipes hastily at his eyes.

“Um, just… just let me know if you need anything else then, yeah?”

You nod too, not trusting yourself to speak. You turn and reach for the door handle but hesitate. Should you say something else? A proper goodbye? You look back at Chan and open your mouth to say one last goodbye but instead you say, “Kiss me one last time.”

He doesn’t hesitate to take you in his arms, hold you close to his chest, press one final kiss to your lips. It tastes salty, like his tears and the tears you finally let yourself cry. It tastes like longing and regret and heartbreak. It tastes like goodbye. You pull away first, hold Chan’s face in your hands and whisper a sad goodbye. He doesn’t say it back, but he doesn’t stop you from leaving either.

When the door closes behind you, you can’t hold back the sob that escapes your lips.

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Chan remembers when the two of you first got the apartment together. He remembers moving his twin bed in and he remembers the way you laughed at him but agreed to keeping the twin bed because neither of you had the money to buy a bigger one at that point. That first night, you’d curled up against the wall to make sure he had enough room because you knew he had an important meeting to be at the next morning, bright and early.

Chan had promised that night through giggles and peppered kisses that he’d buy a king sized bed for the two of you to share once he struck it big in the producing world. You ended up sleeping in his arms that night anyway and Chan himself slept through the night for the first time in a long time.

As Chan thinks back now, he realizes that was the first of many broken promises. He scrolls mentally through some of the other broken promises and sends himself into a spiral of self hatred. If he’d just bought that damn king sized bed would things be different? If he’d remembered date nights would you have stayed? If he’d only shown you how much he loved you, would everything be okay?

His phone rings somewhere but he doesn’t care. He’s not sure he’s ever cried the way he’s crying now. And his phone will not stop ringing—it’s probably Changbin or Jisung asking if he’s going to be at the studio soon. He won’t go in today—he can’t. Not when he just watched the love of his life walk out the door in front of him. And it was all his fault.

When did he become this person he doesn’t even recognize? Could he have stopped this or were you just too good for someone like him, destined to leave him no matter what? He shouldn’t let his thoughts spiral but he really can’t help it. He just misses you. He just wants you.

Time passes—he’s not really sure how much—and there’s a loud knock on the door of the apartment. He wishes it was you. But he knows it’s not because you still have a key so there’d be no need for you to knock. A voice is calling to him through the door.

“Hyung, it’s Jisung. Changbin and I are here. You weren’t answering the phone so we called yn but she didn’t answer either, so we’re kind of worried. Can you just let us know if you’re okay at least?”

Chan can’t muster the energy to stand up or even call back to his friends. Everything hurts but, as cheesy and stupid as it sounds, it’s his heart that hurts the most. He hears Changbin and Jisung talking faintly through the wall and then the doorknob turns and the door opens. He never locked the door when you left.

Jisung kneels on the floor beside Chan—his tears have subsided at this point, but he’s sure he looks like a mess. Jisung brushes the hair from Chan’s forehead and Changbin swears under his breath before crouching beside them too. “Shit, what happened, hyung?”

“She’s gone.”

“What do you mean gone?” Jiusng’s brow furrows. “Who’s gone? Yn? And like, has she left for the day or did she di—”

“She left me. For good.” The tears start again. Chan feels so stupid.

“Oh…” Changbin whispers, sitting back on his heels and sucking air in through his teeth.

Chan clears his throat and rubs at his eyes. “I just want to be alone. I’m going to take the next few days off. I’ll be back in the studio soon.”

Jisung nods slowly and shares a concerned look with Changbin as he stands. Changbin helps Chan up and Jisung helps guide him back to his room. Chan’s head pounds painfully when he sees the empty twin bed—sees how empty the room looks without your belongings. It doesn’t feel like home anymore. Home is wherever you are and you’re not here.

“Just let us know if you need anything, hyung, okay?” Jisung squeezes Chan’s shoulder and tries to keep the pity off of his face. Cahn doesn’t need his pity.

Chan’s mouth feels like it’s full of cotton. He nods but doesn’t speak. Changbin and Jisung share another look before they each sigh and leave Chan alone with his spiraling thoughts again.

He stares at the ceiling. He thinks. He cries again. He touches your cold spot on the bed. He curses his own name—his own stupidity. He thinks of another aching memory.

He’d stayed late at the studio again with Jisung and Changbin—they were working on an album for a popular girl group and he was stressed about a few tracks they just couldn’t get right. He’d stayed late and planned to go back in early again—they still hadn’t figured out the tracks. He hadn’t realized he’d promised you a date night—he’d promised he’d be home early, he’d go shopping for a king sized bed with you, he’d make love to you.

But he forgot. He walked into your quiet shared apartment at two in the morning, kicked his shoes off and trudged back to the bedroom and—

You were leaning against the bedroom door in his favorite dress of yours with your hair done nicely and your shoes still on. Your phone laid on the floor beside your hand. He still sees it so clearly in his mind. Your tear streaked face, the frown on your face even as you slept, the balled up tissues next to you.

He’d pulled out his phone, read through all the messages.

you: so excited for our date night tonight ! it’s been too long </3 can’t wait to see you babe

you: i’m all ready ! i wore all your favorites ;) let me know when you’re on your way back !

you: you’re coming to get me, right ? or was i supposed to meet you somewhere ?

you: babe it’s like 9 now… i’m worried about you

you: 10 now. guess you forgot again. just let me know when you’re coming back. i’m still worried. don’t work too hard.

you: i love you

you: it’s 1 in the morning, chris, please come home soon…

He’d shaken you awake, held you close to him as you started crying again, promised you he wouldn’t stay at the studio so late without texting you. Another broken promise. He did the same thing not even a week later.

Now that he reminisces, Chan is surprised you stayed with him as long as you did. He was such a shitty boyfriend. He made so many mistakes, gave you so many reasons to leave him. Still, you stayed. You stayed until you absolutely couldn’t anymore.

Chan’s phone rings again. He almost hopes it’s you, but he knows it couldn’t be. He grabs his phone and checks the caller ID. Hannah. He answers.

“Hello?”

“Hey bro,” Hannah chirps through the phone. “Geez, you sound like shit. Anyways, I’m calling because I just… had a weird feeling. Sibling intuition or something. Guess I was right. What’s going on?”

Chan’s chest feels just about ready to cave in—his heart aches. “Yeah, uh… yn left. She’s gone—she… she broke up with me.”

“Oh.” Hannah is quiet for a long moment and Chan sighs.

“Yeah.”

“What did you do?”

Chan laughs bitterly and drags his fingers harshly through his tangled hair. “What didn’t I do?”

“Wow, that bad?”

“I’m the worst,” he mumbles and tears prick his eyes for, what feels like, the millionth time.

“Tell me about it? From the beginning.”

He tells Hannah about everything. About the twin bed and the broken promises. About coming home late and forgetfulness. About all the songs he wrote about you but never shared because he was scared. About all the missed calls and all the ‘I love you’s he would never get back.

Hannah listens and lets him talk. She doesn’t try to give him advice, knows it’s not what he needs. Chan is grateful for that. He’s grateful for his sister. But he still misses you and no amount of comfort from his family and friends can change that.

A day passes and he doesn’t leave his bed. Then two days. Then a week. He doesn’t sleep or eat or drink anything, except for when he feels like he might die if he doesn’t. And then he forces down instant noodles and a glass of water.

After a week he writes three songs about you from the safety of his living room. And then he thinks maybe he’ll stop thinking about you if he moves the furniture around. So, he rearranges the living room. He changes up his bedroom. He even reorganizes the bathroom and the kitchen cupboards. But it doesn’t help. You’re still everywhere. You’re on his mind. You’re still in every one of his dreams when he’s able to sleep for a couple of hours.

Another week passes and Changbin and Jisung force him to come back to work at the studio. They take him grocery shopping after and help him cook and clean up afterwards. The ache in his chest is duller now but still persistent. Still there. Always there.

When they leave, Chan leaves the light on in the hallway and collapses by the bedroom door, crying. He hates how he’s doing normal things without you. Maybe if he waits by the door like you did, you’ll come back. Maybe it’ll all be a terrible nightmare and you’ll wake him up and tell him to sleep in the stupid twin bed.

He wakes up in the morning, eyes burning and puffy from crying and muscles sore and stiff from spending the entire night on the floor. He pulls at his hair and takes a sharp breath. Everything is so wrong without you.

He sighs, stands, and tells Changbin he won’t be coming to the studio today. He showers quickly and grabs his keys. He’s going to buy that damn king sized bed. Maybe that will help.

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You wrap the blanket tighter around your shoulders, staring blankly at the drama playing on Yeji’s television. She watches you with worried eyes but you hardly even notice. You ache all over and you’re not sure if it’s just in your head or if you’re sore from sleeping on Yeji’s old leather couch.

“Ryujin said her friend has a room open in her apartment. It’ll be cheaper with a roommate.” Yeji’s voice is gentle when she speaks but the words run over you, ice cold.

You know you need to find a place to live. Yeji’s been generous enough to let you crash on her couch for almost a month. You’re just not ready yet. Part of you is still hoping Chan will call you and ask you to come back—to promise things will be different this time. But he doesn’t call and you really shouldn’t wait around for him.

“Okay.”

Yeji sighs and wraps an arm around you. “It’s okay if you still miss him. Or want him back. Chris isn’t a complete asshole. We both know that. He just… needs to work on his shit.”

“But we… we shouldn’t get back together, right?”

“Maybe not now.” Yeji says pensively, not looking at you anymore. “But I’ve always thought you guys seem to make each other better. At least, you did. So maybe… maybe when you’ve both figured things out and worked on yourselves some more, you’ll find your way back to one another.”

Your eyes sting and tears threaten to fall again. All you want is to be with Chan. You miss sleeping in his arms. You miss his laugh and his pretty smile. You miss when things were good—back when he wasn’t so engrossed in his work and you didn’t doubt yourself so much.

“I think I want to sleep now.” You mumble, pulling away from Yeji. “Thanks for letting me stay here. And for… the talk.”

“Yeah, of course. You can stay as long as you need, seriously. Get some rest for now.” Yeji pats your shoulder comfortingly and stands, stretching and then making her way back to her room.

You check your phone before you go to sleep for the night and your heart stutters in your chest. There’s a text message from Chan.

chris ♡ : IMG_143

chris ♡ : i bought the bed.

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He doesn’t know why he texted you. He’s been beating himself up about it for hours. Why did he text you? You definitely don’t want to talk to him and—

Ping.

He scrambles for his phone.

you: finally.

Hope blooms in his chest. Maybe that’s a little unwarranted. It’s a one word message. He’s just lucky you even responded. He’ll take it. He’ll take what he can get. Still, he can’t stop the hope that blooms in his chest.

But the night passes and then another week passes and he doesn’t text you, doesn’t hear from you either. The hope rots and his mood sours again. He shouldn’t have ever texted you. Maybe he made you angry. Maybe he scared you off. The self hatred is overwhelming him again.

It was stupid of him to think that a fucking bed would fix everything abd bring you back to him. There’s so much wrong with him, so much he needs to fix. A bed won’t fix everything. He really hasn’t fixed anything.

He looks stupid sleeping in the king bed alone. He feels stupid. He misses having you in his arms. Even though he was rarely home on time, he always took the time to wrap you in his arms and kiss you goodnight. Now he’s realizing he should have done all of that while you were actually awake.

It’s late at night again—too late—and it’s been a month, officially, since you left. How has it been a month? Everything sucks without you. He hates how empty the apartment feels. He hates the stupid king sized bed. He hates sleeping alone. He hates being alone. It leaves him with his stupid thoughts.

It’s way too late for you to be awake. You usually slept before he did when you were together. And yet, his phone rings with a call from you. Of course he answers it.

He holds his breath. “Hello?”

“I’m looking at an apartment later. Tell me why I shouldn’t.”

Chan swallows, heart in his throat. “Because I still love you more than life.”

“Just love isn’t enough this time, Chris. We can’t… go back to the way things were.” You sigh and he can almost see you rubbing your face the way you do when you’re frustrated.

“I…” Chan chokes on his spit and bites back tears. He’s so frustrated with himself. Why can’t he be better? Why doesn’t he know what to do or say? “I bought the bed.”

“Chris—”

“No! I mean—I just, I meant like, I-I’m working on… keeping my promises. Starting with the bed.”

There’s shuffling through the phone. A lot of quiet. A sniffle. “Okay. Can you… If we were to try again, could you promise me something?”

“Anything.” Chan breathes. He must be dreaming. This feels too good to be true.

“You’re not allowed to come home later than midnight or I’ll call security and make them kick your ass out of the studio.”

Chan knows you’re completely serious but he can still hear the smile in your voice. He wants to laugh at the entire situation. He still hates himself. His mind is reeling. He tries not to let himself sabotage this. Not this time. “Yeah. I can promise you that. I-I promise.”

“Can you… keep that one?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” You’re quiet for so long Chan has to check to make sure you didn’t hang up. “Can I come by tomorrow and try out that new king sized bed?”

He feels like he can’t breathe. This isn’t real. You’re pranking him. It’s too good to be true. “Y-Yeah. Yes. Please. Come over.”

“Okay.”

“So… I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Yeah.”

He wants to say he loves you, but you don’t say it first and he doesn’t want to overwhelm you or say the wrong thing. So, he waits until you hang up. He lays in bed and stares at the ceiling. He lets himself smile. He lets himself cry. Maybe everything will be okay.

Chan doesn’t sleep. All he can think about is you. You in your shared apartment tomorrow. You in front of him. You in his arms. You.

He sits at his desk and writes two more songs about you. When it’s about you, the music comes easy. He saves the songs to the playlist of songs he’s written about you. He tells himself, if he has the chance to when he sees you, he’ll show you the playlist.

He makes instant noodles at three in the morning and plans out what he’ll say to you. He thinks about the different things he can do to change and make sure it sticks. He writes it all down.

He busies himself with cleaning the entire apartment at four in the morning and at five in the morning he resorts to pacing and practicing what he’d decided to say. At six in the morning, the sun starts to rise and he writes down a grocery list, just in case you decide to come back. At seven in the morning, he goes to the only grocery store open and buys a planner and a notebook that will be reserved just for his songs about you. At eight in the morning he wonders if he should text you to confirm that plans have stayed the same, but you beat him to it and tell him you’ll be over at 10:00. At nine in the morning, he sprays Febreze and adjusts the pillows on the couch just right—the way you’d always chastised him about.

At ten in the morning, you knock on the door. He hates that you’re knocking on your own door. He doesn’t say it. He answers the door.

“Hi,” you whisper when he opens the door.

Chan has to remind himself to speak because god you’re beautiful. Has he ever told you just how beautiful he thinks you are? He hates himself because he can’t remember the last time he just said you were pretty. He clears his throat and steps back to let you in. “Hey.”

“It smells nice in here. Did you clean recently? Have you… have you been taking care of yourself?”

Chan wants to lie. He wants to tell you that he’s been fine. But he realizes that maybe that wouldn’t come across well. And maybe you’d like to know how he’s been all kinds of fucked up without you. So he doesn’t lie. “Honestly, things have been pretty shit without you. I haven’t really been eating. Changbin and Jisung took me grocery shopping last week though. And I haven’t been sleeping, but when did I even do that to begin with. Uh, sorry. You didn’t—I shouldn’t have—”

“Thank you for being honest with me.” You’re looking at him so kindly he almost bursts into tears on the spot. You look back toward the hallway leading to the bedroom. “Show me the bed you bought?”

“Yeah. Right.” He nods and swallows around the lump in his throat before guiding you back to the bedroom where the bed is.

It looks so plain and lonely. He didn’t buy anything for it other than white sheets. He didn’t want to get a comforter without you. He figured if you did come back, that would be something you’d have fun picking out with him. But now that he’s looking at it, it just looks… pathetic and sad. He feels embarrassed. He feels stupid. He feels like crying again. And god you’re so close and he wants to touch you and he can’t and it’s killing him.

“It looks comfortable. How did you pick it out?”

Chan doesn’t want to say that he remembers all the times you told him about your dream mattress—the perfect firmness, the perfect softness. He remembers everything you’d told him about beds. He just shrugs. “I… tested it out. Laid on it. Tried to pick one with the perfect… firmness and softness.”

For you. He thinks it but he doesn’t let himself say it.

“Can I?” You look back at him and smile questioningly.

How can he say no? He bought the bed for you anyway. He nods.

“Oh, it’s nice!” You sigh happily as you lay back on it. You roll over into the middle of the bed and lay with your limbs spread out in a starfish. You stare at the ceiling. You imagine yourself lying there with Chan. Tears spring to your eyes. “Yeah, I like it.”

“You do?”

“It’s, like, my dream mattress.”

“I remembered…”

You look at Chan. So many unspoken emotions and memories and words swim in his eyes—you’re sure your eyes look the same. He missed you. He really missed you—you can see it. It means he still loves you. He wasn’t lying.

“We should probably… uh, talk. About things.” You sit up and pull your knees to your chest on the bed. Chan nods and sits down in his desk chair, dragging it as close to the edge of the bed as he can. “We should probably talk about… what pushed me over the edge.”

“Okay.” Chan agrees, chewing at his bottom lip as he watches you warily. “And we can… talk about fixing things? If that’s something you… want?”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.” You try to smile at him reassuringly, but with the tears welling up in your eyes, you’re not sure it’s very convincing.

Chan sighs and nods again. “So, what… pushed you to breaking?”

“You’re never—” You pause, trying to decide the best way to express your feelings. You want to stay calm and collected—you don’t want to be too emotional. You want to fix things. “You were almost never home. The apartment didn’t even feel like… our home anymore. Because you stayed at the studio more often than not. And you kept forgetting dates and… important things.”

“Honey, I’m so sorry.” Chan squeezes his eyes shut and it hurts you to see him so sad too. You’re sure he feels the same way about seeing you sad.

You shake your head and scoot closer to the edge of the bed so you can reach for his hands. “I just. I feel like you don’t… want me anymore. Did I scare you off when we started living together? I know I’m not always the easiest person to love, but I thought that—”

“Baby,” he whispers, squeezing your hand in his. He’s crying now. You’re crying too. “Baby, no, I could never not want you. You’re everything that I’ve ever wanted. You didn’t scare me off. And loving you is as easy as breathing for me. It was never that. I… I will admit that I have a problem with getting too sucked into my work. It’s not something I even like about myself. But I thought… I didn’t realize how much it was hurting you.”

“I just needed you and you weren’t there—”

You’re crying so hard you can barely breathe and you’re falling forward into his arms and he’s holding you and your heart hurts but in the best way because this is everything you’ve wanted for a month. He’s still crying too and he lets you bury your face in his neck as he speaks. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I should have been there for you. I’m so so sorry. I’m working on it. I-I promise I’m working on it. Baby, I—I bought a planner and I’m going to use it. I’ll leave work early—I’ll tell the security guard to kick me out at a certain time and I’ll tell Jisung and Changbin too. I’ll do everything right because you deserve it. And I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Y-You bought a planner?” You choke and look up at him.

“Yeah?”

“Chris, you can get a planner for free on your phone and it’ll send you reminder notifications,” you giggle through your tears and bury your face in his neck again. “You’re ridiculous.”

“I—s-so what! I’m a little old fashioned. I like to hand write things. I’ll put it in both then! It’ll just help me remember more.”

You’re both quiet for a long moment, holding each other like you’ve both wanted to for so long. You sigh and squeeze him a little tighter. “I really, really missed you. You’re the love of my life. I don’t think I could ever love anyone other than you.”

“I think you could.” Chan whispers and squeezes you back. “I think you could eventually. Me, though. I’d never get over you. Not in a million years. I’ll never get over you.”

“Chris, will you help me move my things back in this weekend?” You ask after another long quiet moment.

He pulls away from you to look at you with wide eyes. “Y-You want to come back? We—you want to fix things? With me?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“I love you so much,” he cries, pulling you back into a bone crushing hug. “I love you so much. I’ll help you move your stuff tomorrow if you want me to. Why wait until next week?”

You laugh and kiss the column of his throat. “Okay. Tomorrow. Can we take a nap and cuddle now? On our new bed. And… then can we go shopping for a comforter set? This bed is looking really… sad.”

Chan laughs too and nods. “Yeah. Yeah, that sounds perfect.”

“Can I…” Your eyes meet his and neither of you look away. You’re not sure you’re even blinking. Your words feel caught in your throat. You choke them out somehow. “Can I kiss you?”

He doesn’t say anything, he just leans in and kisses you. And god how you’ve missed his lips on yours. Chan gets up from the chair so he can kiss you better, crawling carefully over you on the bed. “Want you so bad, babe.”

“Mmm,” you sigh contentedly into his mouth, tugging him even closer. “Want you too. I’ve missed this. It’s been a while.”

“Then should we… I mean, do you want to… Can we—”

You giggle at his cute stuttering, adoring the way his cheeks and ears burn crimson. “Let’s break in the new bed, shall we? Just… be careful to not actually break the bed.”

“You really want to?” He looks at you intently—uncertain but still hopeful.

You nod, pulling him into another kiss. “I really want to, Chris.”

“Shit,” he whispers. “Fuck, you’re perfect. I love you so much. I’m so sorry—”

“Shh,” you hold his face in your hands, smiling gently at him. “Less apologizing and more making it up to me, yeah?”

He falls into you, kissing you fervently, like you’ll disappear if he doesn’t. “Okay. I can do that.” He nips at your throat and you laugh, elated to have him with you again. He’s so perfect. And he’s so yours.

“God, Chris, this is so much nicer than doing it in your stupid twin bed.”

He laughs this time, sitting up and tugging his shirt off. You run your fingers over his warm skin, humming happily as he leans into your touch. He plays with the hem of your shirt as he answers, eyes alight with fondness as he watches you. “Yeah? I think I’ll have to agree with you on that. More space to show you how much I adore you.”

“Chris, you can take my shirt off,” you almost whine as you grab his wrists. “Please. I want you to. Stop teasing me.”

He doesn’t hesitate anymore—his grip on your t-shirt tightens and he pulls it off of you, tossing it somewhere without really caring where it lands. “I can take the rest off too? You sure you want it?”

“Yes, babe, I want you. Want this.”

“Condoms?” He kisses your collarbones, nipping lightly and then sucking marks along your skin.

“No, I-I’m still on birth control and I want to feel you.”

He moans wantonly at your response. “Fuck, you’re so perfect for me.”

“Yeah,” you nod as he starts to tug your pants off. “Yeah, for you. I’m yours. I’ll always be yours.”

“Always mine? God, I love you so much. I’ll always be yours too, baby.”

He kicks his own sweatpants off, leaving the two of you in only your underwear. You can’t help but stare—it’s been too long since you just got to look at him. He’s so beautiful and he’s just for you and you’re getting lightheaded just imagining every part of him pressed into you—against you. He watches you carefully as he unhooks your bra and pulls it off and then pulls at your panties. You don’t stop him.

“My pretty baby,” he whispers, settling himself between your legs and kissing your thighs. “So good. So pretty. Want to taste you so bad. Can I?”

“Y-Yeah. Please—”

A moan slips past your lips as he attaches his lips to your swollen clit. His fingers circle your entrance, gathering the wetness there before pushing one of his fingers inside. You tangle your fingers in his hair, tugging lightly as you squeeze his eyes shut. It feels like so much and not enough all at the same time. He’s always been so good at eating you out, at touching you just right. He knows you like the back of his hand.

Just as you’re starting to get used to one finger inside of you, Chan slides in another. “Fuck, babe. That feels so good, oh my god.”

He doesn’t answer with words, just moans back and curls his fingers up, ghosting over your g-spot and making you see stars so easily. He pushes a third finger in and you hardly even feel the stretch. You’re so close and you want him so bad. You’ve missed him so much. In every possible way.

“Need you,” you gasp, pulling his head away from you. “Need you inside me. Please. Please, I want you so bad.”

“Okay, baby,” he kisses you and you don’t even care that he tastes like you.

“I love you.” You say when he pulls away.

He smiles and takes his underwear off, rutting his hips into yours and covering his cock with your wetness. “I love you. And I know you said less apologizing, but I’m so sorry. I’m gonna make it up to you. I’m going to spend every day for the rest of my life making it up to you.”

“You better not break that promise.”

“I won’t. I can’t. I need you more than anything.” He pushes into you, finally, and his eyes fall shut as he breathes out a shuddering breath. “Oh, you feel so good. Missed this. Missed you.”

You can hardly think straight as he starts thrusting into you—languid and careful at first. You wrap your arms around him, watching him with wide, adoring eyes. He grins back at you, eyes filling with tears. He ducks his head into your neck as the tears start to fall. You squeeze your arms around him tighter as the pace of his hips speeds up. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“I don’t deserve you. But I love you so much. And I’m so thankful. I’m so thankful you decided to stay—”

“Shh,” you close your eyes, trying your best not to start crying too. “It’s okay, baby. We’re going to be okay. Just keep loving me, okay? J-Just keep making love to me. Just don’t let go—”

And you’re crying again, but you really don’t care anymore. It all feels so good and it’s what you’ve been craving for so long. Chan is everything you’ve ever wanted wrapped up in one special person. Of course, not without his faults, but you know it’s impossible to ask for him to be perfect. You know you have your faults too.

“I won’t let go, babe. I’m never letting you go again. Love you so much. Shit, I’m so close. I’m sorry, I don’t think I can—”

He groans low in his throat and thrusts into you so hard the brand new bed creaks a little on its frame. You moan with him. “‘S okay, I’m close too. ‘M so close.”

“Cum for me, baby,” he whispers in your ear, squeezing your hips in his hands. “Cum with me.”

It’s enough to send you over the edge. You’re so riled up and you’ve wanted him so bad. He follows right after you, spilling inside of you and collapsing onto you as gently as he can. You’re both quiet for a long moment.

“I guess now we really need to go shopping for a pretty comforter set since we defiled these ones,” he finally chuckles.

You slap him on the shoulder, a little embarrassed at his words. “Stop! It’s not my fault I’m so sexy and you want me so bad and you like cumming inside of me and you—”

“Okay, it’s your turn to stop now!”

You laugh together, holding each other close. It feels like it did when you started dating. It feels like things will be okay again. It feels like home in your tiny apartment bedroom again. “I love you.”

“I love you too, babe.” Chan kisses your temple and then sighs as he pulls out carefully, trying his best not to overstimulate you. He leaves you to get something to clean you off with and comes back with a warm washcloth and a glass of water for you to drink. Your heart feels like it’s melting in your chest.

He changes his clothes after cleaning himself off and then helps you into one of his t-shirts before tugging you out into the living room to cuddle on the couch. You really want to hold him in the bed again, but neither of you feel like washing the sheets or changing them yet, so the couch will do. As he holds you close to him and puts on a movie, everything feels right again.

“I’m still kind of scared that things won’t change,” you murmur, burying your face in his chest. You shouldn’t be worried. Maybe you shouldn’t have even said that. What if—

“I’m sorry that I caused you to lose faith in me,” he sighs back. “But this time will be different. I told Changbin and Jisung that I won’t be staying late anymore and they’re not allowed to let me. And I already told the security guards too. I will not be allowed to stay late at the studio anymore. And I have my planner! I won’t forget dates anymore.”

“You and that damn planner.” You sniffle a little and laugh, so nauseatingly fond of your boyfriend.

“Things will be different this time. I refuse to let them stay the same.”

“I believe you.”

He clears his throat and sits up a little, bringing you with him. “Actually, I have to show you something.”

“What is it?” You watch him curiously as he gets up and makes his way back to the bedroom to retrieve something. He comes back with his laptop.

“So I… I’ve always written songs about you. You know that. I just… I have a hard time showing them to you because they’re, like, direct reflections of my heart. But I’ve put them all in a playlist here and I’m not afraid to show them to you anymore. So, uh, if you give me your phone, I’ll download the playlist into it. If you want.”

Your heart thumps painfully in your chest. You’d been so angry at him for staying late and working hard and had never once considered that the songs he wrote might actually be about you. Sure he’d said it before, but you’d honestly thought he was just trying to cover his ass then. But he was being honest. You weren’t sure you could listen to any of the songs without crying.

“How did I get so lucky to have you?”

He laughs sadly as you hand him your phone. “Trust me, I have lots to work on.”

“I do too.” You squeeze his hand and smile at him reassuringly. His shoulders relax and his expression eases. “We can work on things together. Day by day.”

He nods and kisses you as he plays the first song for you. “Yeah. Day by day.”

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oneofhismanyclouds · 1 month

Text

ᯓ ᡣ𐭩 Love. ⭑ ksm

Pairing — Kim Seungmin x gn!afab reader

WC — 27k (27159)

⭑

Synopsis — Love has always been hard, but with Seungmin it was complicated.

Genre — Friends to lovers!AU, College!AU, Smut (Minors and blank blogs will be blocked), Fluff, Angst/hurt, slow burn

⭑

CW — Mentions of alcohol and getting tipsy, bad communication, Reader is a little selfish in parts and a bit mean, piv sex, unprotected sex (be responsible), dom!seungmin x sub!reader.

A/N — Ahhh!! Finally my full length fic is heree!! I’m so excited to share this with you all and I hope you guys enjoy it just as much as I did! Thank you for your patience and expect more from me soon! p.s, did you like my format change? xox

You remember like it was yesterday, the day that seemingly changed your life for the better… or better known as the day you met Seungmin.

–

You were younger then, a little new to the neighborhood and alone while playing in the fresh laid snow. You were building a snowman, something reasonable that a normal kid your age then would be doing when snow appeared around you. You were focused, so immersed in trying to make your snowman look perfect that you failed to notice another kid walking up to you.

“That looks horrible.”

You hum and look up, a little surprised to see another kid standing in front of you now. He seemed to be around your age if not a little older than you. You give him an uninterested look and go back to your snowman.

“Who’s asking?” You ask, not even bothering to really look at him anymore.

The kid huffs, the atmosphere falling silent around the two of you as he tries to find something else to say. He thinks for a moment before he speaks up again.

“Someone who thinks your snowman is ugly.” He says again, a little more confidently this time.

You only giggle, still focusing your attention to smoothing out your snowman and continuing to adorn it with random blades of grass and pinecones. You sit back for a moment to admire your work and you smile a bit in satisfaction. Your snowman wasn’t at all that horrible really, sure the buttons were a little misplaced and the ‘hair’ wasn’t really covering much, but you really enjoyed the way it looked. After what seemed like forever, you finally divert your attention back to the kid, squinting up at him before turning your head to look around behind him.

“Where’s yours?” You ask, and he looks a little taken aback.

“Does that even matter?” He says, folding his arms in defense now.

You shrug, “A little. I was hoping to see yours.” You say and he hums.

“If I showed you, you’d be jealous of it.” He says, unfolding his arms.

You purse your lips into a straight line, dusting yourself off before standing up and brushing the rest of the remaining snow off. “Show me”

He seems a little surprised now, and you give him a smug look. “Or do you not have one built?” You tease, “You’re all talk and no snowman.”

The kid is a little speechless now, not seeming to expect such responses from you like that. He quickly puffs out his chest and you see his cheeks puff up as well. “I do have one! I’ll show you!”

You’re about to say something again until he begins to walk in a random direction and then you’re quick to follow close behind him. You’ve never met this kid before, you weren’t even sure if he attended the same school as you or not, yet you were following him as if you already trusted him enough. The snow is thick and crunchy beneath your feet as he leads you a little far from your original place, and if you squint a bit you can actually make out a figure in the distance. You’re not sure if it was a snowman or just a lump of snow, so you continue following him out of your own curiosity. He’s silent, not bothering to say a word to you as the two of you continue to march over to where his ‘snowman’ was.

When you do reach the snowman, you’re a little surprised to see that it was, well… indeed a snowman.. If you could even call it one. The poor snowman was half done, the circles not even being full enough to keep it standing up straight. It had patches of dirt throughout the whole thing and sadly it wasn’t even smiling… maybe scowling? You’ve never seen such an expression before so you’re not sure what to call it. You cover your mouth in surprise and from the amusement of knowing that his snowman was nowhere close to being as cool as yours. You could tell that he was feeling a little embarrassed about the ordeal, so being the nice kid that you were you began to gather snow.

He watches you with a confused expression, but once he realizes what you were doing he’s quick to join you in gathering snow. And just like that, you’re helping him fix up his snowman, giggling and laughing a bit when he seems to mess up a little or when he ends up dropping his snow on accident. There’s no words being exchanged, only the soft laughter you emit and the grumbles he makes. After some time passes, he turns to you mid-fixing.

“I’m Seungmin by the way.”

You hum, patting down some snow, “I’m Y/N.”

He nods in understanding your name, a small grin plastered across his face. He’s cute, you think, it’s a little impossible to be upset at him for talking about your snowman. You only smile back at him, resuming the work you were doing before he spoke up.

—

From then on, You’ve never really known what the word ‘alone’ meant ever since you’ve been with Seungmin. You knew the two of you were going to be good lifelong friends the moment he sought you out during a fifth grade dance just to tease you for your dancing (it was really because he didn’t want to be alone). After that, one meetup turned into a hangout, then a hangout turned into a sleepover and then the rest was honestly history. You two were always together, and by then it was an unspoken rule with everyone in town that wherever you went Seungmin had to be there too.

You honestly found his company comforting considering the fact that you were new around the time he found you that day. Someone else would’ve gotten annoyed and bothered by his constant teasing, but over time you realized that was honestly how he showed his admiration for anyone. Of course, when his teasing went too far you were always quick to correct him and to explain why he was wrong, but other than that it was often a little endearing. You two were known for bickering back and forth everyday in elementary school up until it followed you both to highschool. After a few, people also began to realize that it was just how you two bonded, and nobody’s ever batted an eye towards the two of you since.

You practically grew up with Seungmin, as when you met him you were a small child, so almost half of your life you’ve known nothing but him. You were there to watch him grow and he was there to do the same for you, and no matter what life threw at the two of you, the both of you always came out on top together, never leaving one another.

Seungmin never admitted it, but he also enjoyed having you around. He was known to have trouble expressing his emotions, but with you he found it almost impossible. In the end, he was glad you understood that he deeply cared for you and really did like you. You’ve tried to get him to work on talking things out with not only you but with others as well, and though it works sometimes, he’s only human at the end of the day and you knew that. You promised to be there for him, to help him grow as long as he did the same for you. As long as you both took the time to grow up and understand each other then you weren’t going to leave him, and you hoped it was the same for him.

You didn’t hesitate to seal the promise by buying matching bracelets for the two of you. You were only in eighth grade when you bought the bracelets so they weren’t the best quality, but that didn’t stop neither of you from cherishing the dingy little bracelet you both paraded around on your wrists.

—

When it was time for the two of you to go off for college you almost thought he was joking when he told you that he had gotten accepted to the same university as you. When it was confirmed that he was actually going, you were excited and happy. A lot of people would’ve gotten tired of having the same person around them 24/7, but not you. You were excited to escape from this small town and traverse another one with someone who was close to you, it made the entire process easier for you. Before, you were nervous about having to leave someplace that was familiar to you, somewhere that you knew every nook and cranny of in exchange for somewhere that you didn’t really know at all.

You know it’s part of life to explore things you’ve never explored before, but you honestly don’t think you would’ve been able to if Seungmin weren’t there. You were happy to at least have some piece of familiarity with you while you were in a place you weren’t familiar with. As long as Seungmin was there with you, then it was hard for you to be afraid of any new environment.

When it was time for the two of you to start packing up before College, you came to him with the idea of just spontaneously doing anything either one of you had wanted to before you both left. Of course, he was in on the idea, helping you write down a bucket list for any last minute activities the two of you wanted to do while you still could. And for the last few months of being in town the two of you did just that, going down the bucket list day by day to have as much fun the two of you could before your life really started.

Your parents hardly ever saw you while you were doing this, opting to just stay at Seungmin’s house to make any activities the two of you did easier time wise. When you did see them, you were sure to hang out with them as much as you could before you were right back to your own fun. At some point they had just accepted everything and they decided to just let you do whatever you wanted as long as you were safe.

And you were, as long as you were with Seungmin your safety was always guaranteed. You did things you never thought you’d do with him, such as going to a beach at night to bungee jumping the next morning. Nights the two of you couldn’t sleep were used to talk about your favorite activity that you’ve done with him and used as time to prepare for the next activity as early as possible. The summer before you were off to college felt like you were living an entirely different life other than the one you normally lived. You and Seungmin often did things together – that was true, but this was on a whole ‘nother level. You were hardly home, outside until the sun came out and you were doing something every single day for as long as your body could keep up. Call it what you will, but honestly you have never felt more alive when you were with him, you were genuinely happy.

You’ll never forget the words he told you the moment the two of you finally had no more time to do anything else on your list. It was a rather cold night, but the two of you had driven out a few ways from town to a small field the two of you discovered by accident when you took the wrong route to a trip the two of you planned back in your junior year of high school. Since then, the field had been a place of memory, a place that held all of your laughter, your tears and all of your fears for the life ahead of you. And whether you were crying, laughing or just ranting about something, Seungmin had always been there, like he always had been.

It was really dark out, but the field was illuminated with the help of the moon, its soft rays casting a gentle blue light across the grass. There were a little bit more stars out than there normally would be, and the grass was plush and soft beneath the two of you as you both laid out on the ground. It was silent, save for the occasional sentences the two of you would randomly blurt out , but other than that there was a comforting silence between the two of you. You could almost fall asleep if you wanted to, but Seungmin had other plans, turning to you as he spoke.

You remember his eyes having the same sparkle as the stars that night as he looked at you, and for the first time of your entire friendship he was soft spoken and he trembled with nerves as he spoke. He held your hand tight in his, and for a moment the two of you sat like that, staring at one another and maintaining a close distance from one another.

“You’ve made living here in this small town feel like it was bigger than it really was. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way you’ve made me feel all these years. Thank you for existing at the same time as me.”

And you smile at him, your heart aching at his words as you try not to cry from how sentimental he was. Just like how you made him feel, you don’t think you’ll ever get over his words and how he’s made you feel either. The town you had always called home was always more than what it was when you were Seungmin. There was always an adventure with him, new spots to discover, secrets that were uncovered and places to hide in. You’ll always have him, no matter how small or big a place is, he’ll always be there with you to make it more worth being there.

That’s when you realized that your friendship with him was way more than just a ‘friendship’, it was a bond made by two soulmates that were meant to find each other. It was almost like your souls were meeting up again in the past life and doing everything again in a different life, maybe it was for the first time – or maybe it was for the trillionth time, who knows? You just know that you were grateful to have found him in this life, and you do a silent thought to always find him in the next.

—

The day that it’s time for you both to finally depart off to college you’re not as emotional as you should’ve been. Anything else that didn’t involve getting to drive off to college with your best friend with a huge moving truck behind you and you probably would’ve cried an entire ocean. But that wasn’t happening, because even though you were driving two hours away from ‘home’, you weren’t really leaving home, because your home was going to be right beside you.

You were a little sad to have to depart from your family for the first time in your entire life. Yeah you were always hardly home, but this was the first time you were going to be miles away from them, a distance that didn’t allow you to just come home whenever you felt like watching tv shows with your mom or cook with your dad whenever you wanted. You gave them as many hugs as time allowed it and you promised to call them every other day to keep them up with your college life whenever you had the chance.

When it’s time for you both to actually leave though, there’s a grin on your face and a sense of leaving the old behind and happily embracing the new. As you sit in the passenger seat of Seungmin’s car, your arms out the window, the wind blowing harshly across your face as he drives down the highway. He allows you to play music, and he instantly regrets it when you start to play music as loud as the car allows it to be.

As he continues to speed down the highway, there’s no worry on either one of your minds, allowing the feeling of peace to enter your systems as you keep on. You’ve died down the music a bit the second a slower song comes on, and without thinking you take Seungmin’s hand in yours over the center console. You squeeze his hand – a way of telling him that everything was going to be alright, and he rubs his thumb on the back of your hand to confirm that. You’re happy now, and you only hope that this life continues to be kind to you and him. You hope that this new chapter of life is easier for the both of you, and that it allows the two of you to continue to find peace and adventure in everything that you guys do. You take the time to admire him, taking in the way that the golden sun rays blessed his honey skin as you stare at him. His face is turned into more of a concentrated look as he focuses on the road, and his hair is black and lightly curled per your request since you’ve always liked it when his hair was curly. Seungmin has always been pretty to you, ethereal even, but you’ve never really admired him like this.

When you think about it, this was the man you were going to basically start your new life with, the man who’s been there for you for basically all of your life. You wonder if he sees himself the way that you do, someone who though may seem tough on the outside but was actually soft and kind hearted. You wonder if he loves the same things that you love about him such as his silly smile or the way he puts his hand over his chest when he’s nervous or the laugh he gives when you tell a joke that’s a little too funny. But most importantly you wonder how he sees you, were you just as precious to him as he was to you? You had to be, there was no way he’d go through the lifelong journey of being with you if you weren’t.

“You’re staring.”

You jump a bit at his words, realizing that you were leaning against the seat now, staring at him as if he were the most beautiful person known to man…and honestly to you he was. You gulp and quickly sit up, giving him an offended look as if he just accused you of murder.

“I wasn’t. I was looking out the window beside you.” You state.

“And smiling?” He has a small mischievous grin as he speaks and he knows that he’s got you.

You roll your eyes and with a small huff you turn to stare out the front window. “There were pretty trees on your side..”

He laughs at your excuse, “There’s trees on your side too bub.” You only shrug, “Yours were prettier.”

“Were they? Or is that me?” He continues to tease and you feel your breath getting caught in your throat.

“You’re not that pretty.” You say, refusing to look at him now.

“If you weren’t looking at me the way you were then I would’ve believed that.” He replies and you groan, he’s never going to let this down.

After a brief passing of comfortable silence he speaks up again, “What’cha thinkin’ about?”

You sigh as you try and arrange your thoughts together. There was so much that you could tell him but you weren’t really sure where to start. “Just thinking about college and stuff. I’m really excited for it, you know?”

He nods in understanding to your words, “I feel you, I’m also pretty excited. I hope this year is good for us.” He says and you see a small smile tug at his lips.

You nod, a small smile making its way to your face after seeing his own. “I wonder if we’ll meet more people and make more friends.” You ask him and for a moment he doesn’t really say anything, you figure he was just trying to focus on making sure the two of you didn’t miss your exit right now.

“Yeah, maybe.” He says after successfully making the exit and you chuckle. “You think we’ll stay together through college?”

He shrugs, “Nah, I can’t stand you.”

You turn to him with a shocked expression and all he can do is laugh. “I’m not going anywhere bub, I’ll always be with you.” You feel yourself relax at his words and you turn back to face the front.

“Yeah, you better.” You say with a relaxed sigh.

“You think I'll make friends and just forget about you that easily?” He asks, his turn to be a little bit more serious now. You shrug, “Maybe.”

Seungmin falls silent again, and for a moment you wonder if you’ve said the wrong thing. You were only joking, but you worried that he might’ve taken your words too seriously. Without saying anything he releases his grasp from you and you turn to him, ready to apologize for your weak attempt at a joke before he holds your wrist up. He slips his index finger underneath your bracelet, and without looking towards you he speaks again.

“Do you remember what this symbolizes?” He asks, his voice a little bit more firm so that you knew that he was serious as he spoke. You nod, your eyes wide with curiosity as you wait to hear what else he has to say.

“It symbolizes the promise we made to each other.” You answer and he nods.

“That’s right, so as long as we wear these around our wrists then I’m never going anywhere, I mean that.”

You can’t stop the smile that forms when he says that, and once he’s satisfied with his speech he lets you go, resuming the hand holding from earlier. The car is back to its comforting silence, and your heart is full from the words you’ve heard him speak. You lean your head against the seat and continue to stare out the window, watching as the sun begins to set further, streaks of orange-red hues now painting the sky. With Seungmin by your side maybe College wouldn’t be as scary as you thought it’d be.

‘You’ll always be my favorite.’ you think to yourself before shutting your eyes, allowing the wind to continue breezing past your face as you drift off to sleep.

—

As hoped, College is as nice as nice can go for the both of you. You’re both in your Junior year of College now and it's a little unbelievable to know that you only have a year left here. Despite gaining a group of friends and having crazy schedules, the two of you never changed. You both were still the same ol’ inseparable friends that you were back in highschool – just a little died down and more chill now. Whenever you and Seungmin do get the chance to hang out you’re both often just spending time eating take out and watching movies just to destress from the busy college life.

There isn’t much to do in the new city you’re in, but both of you make the effort to make the best out of what you guys have. Although you’re not going on constant fun adventures with him, you still manage to have a great time with him no matter what you’re doing. Even a small nap with him before either one of you has a class is considered a good time to you at this point. You just want to be around him, even if it means sitting with him in complete silence, you’re fine with anything really. When the two of you do meet up though, it’s full of gossip from life outside of each other and anything interesting that’s happened that day. Ever since you’ve come to college, you’ve never run out of anything to talk about with him. It feels like there’s something happening to you everyday, and when something does happen, you’re one to save it for your hangout with Seungmin.

Even though you did enjoy your small hangouts with Seungmin, you’ve also been curious about the parties that were held on campus. You never told him, but you were starting to get a little tired of sitting in your apartment and just talking about mundane things. The adventurous – thrill seeking part of you was screaming to be let out at this point, and you wondered if going to a party on campus would help satisfy the urge you’ve been having for some real fun. You’ve always heard about college parties, even when you were in highschool, and you’ve heard some crazy fun things. You’ve heard of people drinking til they passed out, people gathering in large groups to play silly games and the endless amounts of people found making out in random areas of the location.

You wanted to experience it, all of it. The drinking, the games and maybe even the making out if you get that far. You had been waiting to bring the topic up to Seungmin for months, but now that there was a party this weekend and that you had a group of friends who were going to go, you figured it was time. Parties weren’t exactly Seungmin’s kind of thing, but you figured that he’s had to have been just as bored as you are lately from doing the same thing everyday. Back in highschool, you two were always doing something fun together, now all you do is sit at home and watch TV. It felt a lot different than what you were normally used to, and it felt like it just wasn’t any of you at all. You hoped that maybe he’d give in and if he had a good party experience, then he’ll definitely do it again. You decide that after his next class you’ll pick him up from his class building and talk about it on your way home. You grow excited, already thinking of the amount of fun the two of you will have once you step fun in a party.

You wonder if all the stories were true – if the party was going to be as fun as everyone says it was. There was only one way to find out.

—

“No.”

You nearly crash the car from how shocked you were to hear his response. “What!?” You ask, finally pulling into the parking lot of your apartment complex. You stop the car and waste no time to turn to him so that he’s able to see the emotion on your face.

“You heard me, I’m not going to a party.” He says firm, almost like he’s not going to back down from his decision.

“Why noot? We’ve been working on stuff ALL week, why not unwind by doing something fun?” You ask, your arms folded across each other as you scan his face. You were a little confused on why he’d turn something like this down after not being able to actually do something fun in awhile.

“You don’t think just hanging out with me is fun?” He says with an offended tone and you can’t help but roll your eyes.

“That’s not what I meant. I mean – don’t you wanna do something similar to what we used to do? Go out, stay up past our curfewww…” You say, trying to find more ways to influence him on changing his mind. He only sighs and shakes his head, and it makes you even more discouraged.

“That was because we were kids without anything much else to do. We’re adults now and we have to be a little more serious about stuff.” He tells you and you squint your eyes at him in slight disbelief. There was no way Seungmin was saying this to you right now, the one who mainly came up with half of the ideas of stuff you guys did was telling you to take life a little more seriously right now. “No way.”

“Yes way. Besides, there’s nothing fun about drinking and standing in a hot and humid room full of sweaty people.” He says, and you can almost see the look of disgust on his face as if he were experiencing it now. You huff and shake your head.

“Not all parties are like that. You’ve never been to one before, so how can you say they’re ‘all the same’?” You say, putting your hands in the air and air quoting your words.

He squints at you, “Oh, and you have?” He asks with a tone that almost sounds sort of jealous, but he already knew the answer to that.

“You know what– If you don’t want to go then I’ll just go by myself.” You say, gathering your things so that you could end the conversation.

You see his face soften a bit and suddenly he’s speaking again, “Whoa– why would you want to attend a party by yourself?”

You shrug, unlocking the door and getting out without saying a word. He’s quick to hop out, sort of forgetting about his stuff as he trails behind you to your apartment. “Mainly because my best friend won’t go with me.” You say, finally speaking up again.

“You can’t go to one by yourself, something could happen to you.” He tells you, a bit of worry laced in his tone with the fear that you could actually be serious about this.

You’re silent again as you unlock your door, still not saying a word as the two of you squeeze past the door frame and into your apartment. When you put your stuff down, you turn to him as he’s in the middle of shutting and locking the door all while realizing he forgot his stuff.

“Then just come with me.” You say, dangling the opportunity out in his face again, wishing he’d just take it already, but this one is stubborn and you knew that.

He sits in silence for a moment, debating if he would go or if he should just let you have fun by yourself. There was nothing wrong with parties, but he’d be lying if he said the idea didn’t frighten him a bit. However, he felt as if he were going to be a bad friend if he didn’t join you, so he decided to make the painful decision of just joining you.

“Oh my g– Fine. I’ll go, but I’m not drinking or anything, only going to make sure you’re safe.” He says, and you fight the urge to smile, only nodding as a thin lipped grin sits on your face, “Thank you.”

He rolls his eyes, his turn to fold his arms now, “Stop trying to be cool.” He tells you, and you immediately break character to run over to him and jump with excitement over him joining you to the party. Although he wasn’t going to be doing anything fun, you were still glad that he agreed to come with you nonetheless.

After some time the two of you settled down on your couch and resumed the plans you made for the rest of the night, which included the same routine as any other day. You had ordered food for the two of you and the moment it arrived you both sat down and began flipping through the TV for whatever interested the two of you. You’re laying on him, phone in hand as you two basically cuddle together and use the TV for background noise at this point. As you munched on pieces of your chicken, you take the time to discuss outfit ideas with him for the party, all to which earned an eye-roll or a sigh from him.

“All of those were ugly.” He says and you immediately pull your phone back, slightly offended by his words. No matter how long you’ve been with Seungmin, his way of casually being straightforward was always a jaw dropper for you. It never fails to shock you whenever he openly states that something didn’t look good on you or if something wasn’t your color and that you simply just needed another. In a way, it was always helpful to you in the end, because half the time his remarks saved you from making bad outfit decisions.

“Well excuse me.” You slowly say, locking your phone and setting it on the coffee table. “I thought those were nice.” You mumble, burying your face in his chest, your arms wrapped fully around his torso now as your body lays flat against him.

“Yeah, and that’s the problem. Let me pick some outfits for you.” He says and you nod into his chest, not seeming to focus on anything besides the warmth of his chest on your face.

A small comforting silence passes between the two of you, the soft sounds of the TV filling the quiet atmosphere as you lay there, snuggled up and warm in his embrace. Just as you lay between the border of being asleep and awake, his voice wakes you up when he speaks up again.

“Someone asked me out today.”

You weren’t sure if you were hearing correctly, your heart now racing as you sit up to face him. You momentarily become flustered when you notice how close the two of you really are, but you set that aside to focus on his words. “Really? Who?”

Seungmin shrugs, “A girl in one of my classes. Told me she’s had a crush on me for a while now and that she’d finally mustered up the courage to tell me.”

“Ohh.. cool, what’d you say?” You continue to ask.

“I gave her my number afterwards and told her I’d think about it. She’s really cool and we’ve actually hung out briefly a few times. I told her earlier about the party and she told me she’d be there.” He answers and you nod.

“Ah..well, I hope things go well.” You say, laying your head back down against his chest.

As much as you wanted him to actually have fun and get to know her, deep down you kind of hoped that he didn’t. Growing up, you’ve never really considered having a relationship, especially since you weren’t really that interested in anyone from your town and because you grew busy up until you left. It was weird to say, but you recently had come to terms that maybe you were a tiny bit in love with Seungmin more than you wanted to admit. All it took was a day drinking session with your friends and suddenly you were telling your entire life story from start up until now, and without thinking you let your feelings about him slip.

Of course, they promised not to say anything, but you still couldn’t help but feel a little bad about it. You were worried you’d let your feelings for him seep into your friendship and honestly you didn’t want that. You wanted him to find love, if anything he was deserving of it, but deep down you didn’t want him to find love unless it was with you. Was that selfish? Maybe a little, but the idea of him finding someone else and then forgetting about you made your stomach churn. In no way did you want him to come down to having to pick between you and his lover, but you had the huge fear that maybe he’ll find someone that wasn't you and then suddenly your life with him was gone.

What if his partner didn’t like you? What if the two of you never click or get along? They’d end up taking him away from you, and then your life would honestly feel like it was over. You didn’t depend on him for your emotions whatsoever, but Seungmin was the only one who had been there for you since you first met him. He made you feel welcome and known in a town who had no idea who you were. He was the first kid to make an effort to talk to you and has been by your side ever since. You didn’t have anybody else, and honestly, you didn’t need anyone else. Seungmin was always going to be better than anyone ever could, and deep down you knew that. But you also knew that if you weren’t the one that he loved romantically then you couldn’t keep him forever.

The thought makes you a little teary eyed, what would you do without him? Obviously in that situation you were supposed to live and move on, but you have never experienced a life without him. Maybe he’d make drifting away from you less hard so that you didn’t have to lay awake without him being next to you and wondering what he was up to. He could make the pain of no longer talking to you one day easier so that you didn’t look for him in anyone else you meet.

“What’s on your mind?”

You jump a little bit considering that you weren’t aware of the fact that you had completely zoned out and hadn’t heard a single word he just said to you. He’s rubbing your back now, seeming to have noticed your spaced out look and your habit of falling quiet when something was on your mind that bothered you. You instantly melt into his touch, knowing that this was his way of calming you down and giving you time to talk.

It was moments like this that made you wonder what you’d do without him, how were you supposed to live without him?

You loudly sigh, drawing shy circles on the couch as you try to gather up your thoughts.

“Min.. if you get a partner..will you forget me?” You quietly ask.

For a moment he falls silent and you wonder if you’ve said anything wrong. You start getting angry at yourself for overthinking and letting your thoughts get that far. Just when you’re about to speak up again, he sits up, pushing you back a bit so that you’re no longer laying on top of him and he’s sitting up straight now. He stares at you with a more serious gaze and you stare back at him with a curious one.

The room’s still silent when he gently grabs your hand, rubbing soft circles on your palm and interlacing your fingers with his. His eyes are trained on your hands and your heart nearly stops at his touches, but you can’t help but watch as his hands gently touch yours. Something about his movements felt more loving more… intimate? You were unsure of what to say, so instead of embarrassing yourself a bit further you allowed him to continue what he was doing until he wanted to speak to you.

He continues his soft touches to your hand before moving up towards your wrist, and each touch makes your body shiver. There was a sudden tension in the room between the two of you right now and you’re not even sure if it was just you who was experiencing it. Your breath gets caught in your throat the moment a finger slips past your bracelet and for the first time this whole encounter he’s looking at you again.

“Do you know what this symbolizes?” He quietly asks, and you can’t help but feel the same emotions you felt when he asked you this in the car on the way to college.

“The promise we made.” You answer, your voice barely beyond a whisper, and he nods.

Without really noticing it, he’s pulling you closer towards him, way closer than the two of you would normally be. You’re not sure of what to do, only mesmerized by the sheer glow of gloss that sat on his pretty lips. You wonder what he tasted like, if his kisses were any good.

“And what did we say to each other?”

“That we were going to be there for each other no matter what…that we were never going to leave each other.” You answer again.

You’re closer to him, and he reaches out to place a fond hand to your cheek. “I’m never going to leave you. I’m always going to be here. Don’t think I’ll let anyone come between us. You’re my number one no matter what.”

You stare into his eyes, and you can’t help but smile at his sincere words. You don’t get to kiss him that night, but you do get a sense of knowing that you’ll always be his priority no matter who comes into the picture… and honestly that was enough for you.

—

The day of the party came around faster than you thought, and you were a lot more excited than you wanted to really admit you were. It was probably because it was the first party you were going to attend ever since coming here and because Seungmin was going to be with you while you were there. As much as you knew he didn’t want to go, you also knew how important this was for the both of you since the two of you honestly didn’t get out much since coming here, you knew this was something the both of you needed. You hated being cooped up in your apartment without anything to do, and if this wasn’t something he needed then it definitely was something that you needed.

You stood in your bedroom getting dressed while Seungmin occupied the living room. Normally the two of you would get dressed together as you’ve known each other long enough not to care, but you wanted your outfit to be a surprise. You knew that Seungmin had a particular taste in clothing, and normally you wouldn’t dare to dress in the likes of someone else, but tonight you wanted his attention to be on you and you only. You wore clothing that you knew that would just have him on you the entire night, clothes you knew that he would love on you. Seungmin had always said that emerald green was your color, so you decided to flatter him tonight by wearing a dress in that exact color. It has been hard trying to hide this dress without him accidentally finding it or from him being nosey since the two of you shared the same account on your delivery apps, but you managed to scrape by without him having the slightest clue.

The dress was a silk emerald green dress that stopped right at your thighs, short enough to keep your decency but not enough to keep you from showing the curves of your ass that nearly showed at the bottom of the dress. A slit adored the side of the dress, allowing the left side of your thigh to be shown. You paired the outfit with gold accessories, and did your hair in a way that you liked, throwing on black shoes to tie everything together. Your breasts spilled a tiny bit over the top, and if you bent down too far then your ass would definitely be out, no questions asked. You spin in the mirror, a satisfied grin on your face as you check yourself out. There’s no way he’d be able to let you out of his sight when he sees your outfit. He might even tap into his “unknown fantasy” (as you’d like to think), and maybe he’ll fuck you when the two of you come back home.

You quickly remind yourself that tonight was a night for you two to hang out strictly as best friends who needed to cut loose… but… if anything else were to happen then you wouldn’t be opposed to any of that either.

When you’re done adding the finishing touches to your makeup you go and meet Seungmin in the Living Room. When you first enter he’s not really facing the way you expect him to, so you have to do the honors of showing your surprise by tapping on his shoulder.

“Huh–Oh, are you read–” He asks as he turns to face you, and you nearly laugh at the way his face instantly drops and the fact that he was checking you out way more obviously than he realized.

You could proudly say that you were successful in your attempts, because he was staring at you the entire time the two of you were still in the house. You felt his eyes scan you each time you turned to tell him something, seeing the way he’d place his hand over his heart every now and again, something he’d do whenever he was nervous. You guess you could say that you practically had him right where you wanted him, and that maybe tonight would go exactly how you wanted it to go.

—

The actual party itself was loud, rowdy, and everything you were looking for. There were people drinking in almost every corner you encounter, clouds of smoke filled the air as people sat around in smoke circles. As the two of you traverse throughout the building, you never failed to bump into someone from how crowded it was. There was loud music blasting in your ears from some song you had no idea of and there were people terribly singing the lyrics to it everywhere you went. Bodies grinding on top of one another and sweat accumulating from how hot it was inside of the venue. There were red lights scattered around the building only enough to aid you in navigation as you walked around it. You weren’t even surprised when you see people making out in the safety of the shadows either, only counting it as normal as other party goers had no care of what was happening.

The whole time you walked around, your hand was held tightly in Seungmins. You weren’t sure if it was because you looked good or simply because it was simple human etiquette to make sure you stayed close to your best friend, but you didn’t mind it. No matter what you did, the two of you always stayed true to the whole ‘everywhere you go I go’ thing, and going to a party never really changed that either. You were honestly walking around to find your friends as after finding out that you were attending the party you all agreed to meet up and hang out. You were really most excited for that since they had promised to play a few games set up by one of the hosts and you heard around that it was going to be fun. You were all adults, so surely that fun included getting drunk and making an absolute fool of yourself while doing so.

Minutes of walking around later and you finally found everyone already in a circle for the game. You greeted them and they immediately greeted you back. They don’t hesitate to eye you in your outfit, compliments flowing out of their mouths way easier than it was for Seungmin, and if he were being honest he didn’t like it one bit.

“You look so pretty tonight!” Felix says, a friend you met while on your way to work one day. You ended up bumping into him due to walking too fast without paying attention. It was the typical cliche for a friendship starter, but it was enough for him to genuinely take interest in you and become your friend.

“You’ve gotta dress me next time.” Changbin, another friend of the two of you says. You ended up meeting him through a group project you had in one of your classes. Despite not really liking the project, he made it easier and more fun for you. Because of it, the two of you decided to start talking outside of classes and grew a lot closer.

“That’s definitely your color!” Jisung, who was also a friend of you two, adds in. You met Jisung through the fact that you were sitting in the Library one day and he had asked you for directions as the day the two of you met was his first day. You were kind to him and eventually the two of you hung out enough after that to become friends.

As you were showered in compliments, Seungmin opted to just stand beside you and look around. It’s not like he didn’t like the three, but more of the fact he was a little jealous of the fact that they instantly flocked over to you. You were dressed beautifully tonight and not even Seungmin looming over you the entire time was enough to stop various people from approaching you and telling you how pretty you looked. He wanted to compliment you, he really did, but every time he felt himself about to say the words he wanted to say he’d only grow nervous and push them back down. He wasn’t sure what it was about you now that made him so nervous to say words that said you looked good, you two were really good friends after all, but he could never find the confidence. Every time he tried you were either getting bombarded with compliments from someone else or he would grow too afraid to and told himself to forget about it.

“Hello to you too, min!” Felix perks up, waving to Seungmin. “Hello.” Seungmin simply says back.

“C’mon, loosen up, we’re at a party, you can drop the cool guy act here!” Changbin says, playfully bumping into the other, passing him a cup of alcohol.

“Yeah, Min! Loosen up, let’s stand with the others cause the games are about to start!” Jisung adds, pulling the two of you into the group of people that were circled around a game table.

As you join the group of people you’re handed your own cup of alcohol, a little something to speed up your fun for the party. In all honesty, you had never really drank alcohol before as you have never had the time to, so seeing it in person made you surprised a bit. You swirl it around in your cup a bit, watching as it spins around in a mini tornado. You’re fascinated by it, but also a little nervous by it at the same time the more you stare at it. You bring it up to your nose, the strong pungent smell filling your nose almost instantly. It has you turning your nose up to it, wondering if this was even okay to drink in general. You’re pretty sure it was mixed with some kind of juice to make it easier to drink since the smell was followed by something sweet right after.

With no more time to waste you decide to just throw the drink into your mouth, swallowing thickly when you do. You cough from how fast you drink the liquid, and you scrunch your nose from the bitterness of the alcohol. You’re almost glad there was juice paired with it or else it might’ve all just come back up from how weird the experience felt. When it’s all gone you let out a loud sigh, this was definitely going to be a long night, you already knew it.

—

And a long night it definitely was, because you were extremely tipsy, on a thin line between sober and really drunk. One cup after another and suddenly you found it hard to stop, all to the point where Seungmin eventually had to intervene and stop you from drinking to death. You were a giggly, stumbling mess as everyone continued their games as they had when you first joined. Seungmin decided to stay sober, only to be aware of your safety and simply because he chose to. Drinking wasn’t really his thing, he didn’t have any interest in it so he didn’t see the need for him to drink while he was here.

You were standing around, chatting with everyone you saw and laughing at everything you heard. It was honestly kind of endearing to see you like this, to see you finally able to let loose and enjoy yourself. The amount of times Seungmin has had to keep you from embarrassing yourself would never take away the happiness he feels for you knowing that you’re having a good time. You’re letting loose, dancing around with everyone and making jokes, roping Seungmin in and forcing him to dance with you, and though he’s embarrassed by it he could never say no to you. This was honestly the most fun you’ve had since you’ve been on campus and you only wonder what this would be like if you partied every weekend. Would it still give you the same rush it was giving you now, or would you quickly grow tired of it?

Maybe you could space out the amount of times you could party after this, but for now all you knew was that you were definitely going to do this again.

“Alright, we’re going to play a quick game of truth or dare, is everyone ready?” A girl in the circle says and everyone nods.

You quickly turn to Seungmin, “You gotta participate! Please Min, you can’t sit this one out” You pout. You’re lucky he couldn’t say no to you, especially when you’re pouting up to him like this. He sighs and takes your hand in his. “Okay, I will.”

You give a noise in excitement and drag him back over to the group of people, continuing to stand in the circle that you were standing in before. You’re a little excited to know what kind of dares they’re going to give, especially since it was late in the night and everyone was almost as drunk as you were. It was the perfect combination to give the most interesting, yet filthiest dares if they really wanted to. As you wait for everyone to get together, you squeeze Seungmins hand as a silent way of thanking him for being here with you. You two had always done the hand squeezing system to show your appreciation and attention for each other, it was a silent way to assure and speak without having to actually speak. You could never grow tired of it, it was honestly one of your favorite things to do with him. He squeezes your hand back and you can’t help the smile that spreads across your face when you receive a squeeze back.

You’re not sure if it was the alcohol making you feel this way, but you’re starting to appreciate him a lot right now. You wonder how you were able to get so lucky the way that you were with him, how lucky it was for you to be able to have someone that understood you even without words. You take the time to stare up at him and when he does the same, you do your best not to lean in and kiss him right then and there.

The game finally starts up and judging by the dares and truths you’ve heard tonight you’re honestly a little scared now to play the game, especially in the state you were in. You were still aware of your surroundings, but you were afraid that you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from exposing yourself once you started to talk. The questions that get asked are way too personal and the dares only make you want to hide away and forget the game all together. People were getting dared to full-on make out with one another, some getting dared to give a strip tease to the whole room, and there was even a truth asked that revealed who Felix last jerked off to.

When it’s your turn, you’re staring like a deer in headlights, a little unable to process what’s fully going on other than you were asked a question.

“Okaay, Truth or dare?” Someone named Chan asks, you’ve only met him tonight, yet you’ve mentioned his name at least twenty times now.

You think for a moment, “Dare.”

You’re a little internally shocked that you even managed enough confidence to say that, and honestly Seungmin was too. In all honesty you were trying to seem cool in front of everyone, so your response was a lot less freaked out than you were on the inside. Chan laughs at how seemingly quick your answer was and he thinks of a quick dare to give you. Anyone here who’s been focused on you would’ve noticed how clingy you were to Seungmin tonight, and to Chan’s knowledge it was clear you had a thing for him. He decided to base his dare on Seungmin, figuring that maybe he could help you out on your feelings for the man.

“I dare you to play 7 minutes in Heaven with him.” Chan speaks out, pointing straight towards Seungmin.

Without thinking, both of your jaws drop and you face each other in disbelief. “H-huh? Him?” You ask, pointing towards Seungmin to further clarify that you heard right.

Chan nods, “Yep, and thankfully there’s a closet right over there, so get to it.” He says, pointing in the closet’s direction. “You’ll be out for a turn.”

You’re unable to move now, a little terrified of the fact that this was happening to you right now. It’s not like you didn’t want to, but you were scared of how Seungmin felt about it. It was just a game and you figured that Seungmin was probably thinking the same thing. You let go of Seungmin’s hand, and for a moment he looks at you as if you had just shattered a glass in front of him.

“Come on.” You say, heading towards the direction of the closet. If you were going to do this, you had to do it now before your body went into flight mode and decided to just take off.

You lead him into the closet and he shuts the door after himself. It’s a lot more cramped than you hoped to be, and you’re a lot closer to him than you thought you’d be. It’s silent for a few seconds, and it’s clear the both of you are nervous right now. You’ve seen him put his hand over his chest a few times over the dim light the closet gave you. Thankfully it had shutter doors, so there was at least a tiny bit of light entering the small space, enough to make out faces but not enough to see. You’re glad nobody was actually focused on you two or else they would’ve seen the both of you just standing in here not knowing what to do. The sounds of the party were muffled, not enough for it to be dead silent, but enough to allow the two of you to get engulfed in your own little world.

You want to make the first move, to hype yourself up and remind the two of you that it was just a game and that a kiss wouldn’t ruin your friendship. You try and think really hard of times where the two of you may have kissed, even if it were by accident, and all you can think of is the time where he accidentally ran into you. You let out a shaky breath, deciding that if anyone was going to make the first move it’d ought to be you, it was your dare after all. As you try to decide what to do, Seungmin's voice suddenly fills the awkward silence between the two of you.

“Hey, if – you don’t want to do this, we can just stand here..” He suggests, and you shake your head.

“No. Let’s just do this, it’s only a kiss…right?” You say

He nods, “Yeah .. just a kiss. Nothing’s gonna change between us, right?” He asks, and you nod in response.

He lets out a breath of relief, not for your sake but for his own. He was worried you’d think too hard about it and stress yourself out over it. As long as the two of you agreed that it was just a kiss then it would stay as only that and it would mean nothing else. It’s what you wanted right? It grew a little more tense now that the agreement was set in place, and now all that's left to do was actually kiss you. Seungmin lets out another quick breath, placing a hand over his pacing heartbeat in an attempt to steady it. You’re staring up at him with curious round eyes, unsure if he was going to make the first move or not. You try and think of ways you could lighten this awkward atmosphere and make it easier on the both of you. You weren’t even sure why you were so nervous, but then again it wasn’t everyday that you had to kiss your best friend.

You didn’t even have to really make out with him, you could honestly just give him a peck or really just stand there – so why did you even agree to kissing him in the first place? Because you wanted to, you wanted to kiss him, and parts of you hope that he wanted to kiss you as well. Without saying much, Seungmin grabs your hands, pulling you a little closer to him. You’re slightly pressed against his chest, your bodies touching but not too much for comfort. He’s nervous, you can tell just from his quickened heartbeat, but you can also tell that he’s ready to leave this cramped up closet already.

“Let me know if you get uncomfortable, okay?” He asks, his voice a little softer this time. You nod, and he nods in acknowledgement.

Before you know it, he’s pulling you closer to him, your lips just inches away from touching. Your eyes are shut and he’s nearly already panting without even having to kiss you yet. Without thinking you decide to be the one that closes the gap between the two of you.

He’s sweet and he tastes of strawberries and vanilla – meanwhile you taste like cherries and strong notes of alcohol. The kiss starts off innocently at first, but then the longer you’re on him the messier it starts to get. Your breathing increases and he’s got his hands all over you without noticing that they were. Your bodies are practically meshed together at this point, nearly tumbling over in the closet when you push him closer against the closet wall. You didn’t think your first kiss would be Seungmin, and you definitely didn’t expect for your first kiss to be in a hallway closet during the middle of a party. You’re sort of straddling his thigh now, and he decides to keep his thigh pressed against your core without you having to really ask.

Your panties are soaked at this point alongside your chin and mouth. Your hands move from his shoulders to his face in an attempt to bring him closer to you, resulting in desperate open mouthed kisses shared between the two of you. You’re not thinking straight at this point and without even noticing you’re grinding against his thigh, soft whimpers involuntarily escaping your mouth at this point. He helps you keep a steady pace by holding a firm hand on your hips, flexing and tensing his knee so that it’s easier for you to feel pleasure. You’re sure that you could just cum from this if you really wanted to, so you silently hope that he allows you to.

The once semi-quiet closet is full of pants and soft moans between the two of you without the need for any words. He knows exactly what you want without you having to actually say it, so in one swift motion he puts both of his hands on your hips to speed your movements up. You’re the first to pull away from the kiss, burying your face into his neck in order to shamelessly release the moans you were trying your hardest to keep down before. Your hands move to his shoulder in order to support yourself as you grind against his thigh. His mouth finds its way to your neck and he places a scatter of kisses and bites alongside your neck. Your eyes are squeezed tightly shut as you focus on the pleasure he was making you feel.

“Are you gonna cum right here?” He whispers in your ear in a tone that was so surprisingly low for him to have.

You nod, and his voice has you moaning a bit louder and honestly you’re a little embarrassed. Your mind began to wonder how he’d sound if the two of you were in bed together, a tangled mess of limbs as he sheaths himself deep inside of you. You imagine his voice whispering and groaning the filthiest words to you while he’s fucking you into your matteress. And the thought does you in.

You cum with a loud whine, digging your nails into his shoulder to keep yourself from toppling over. He wraps his arms around you to hold you close to him as you come down from your high. The two of you are still panting even after you’re both done, and shortly after the realization is hitting you like a truck. This whole thing was supposed to be just a simple kiss, it wasn’t supposed to end with you cumming in your underwear like this. Extremely embarrassed now, you pull away from him, avoiding his gaze. Part of him wants you to say something, to tell him if you enjoyed what just happened or if you felt like that was something that could change how the two of you viewed one another. Instead, you don’t really say anything, you just straighten your dress and awkwardly clear your throat. For a moment, Seungmin wonders if he had done something wrong, if maybe he read into that whole thing the wrong way. He figured the two of you were on the same page when the whole thing started to fully unfold, but now that he thought about it, he probably did take it a little too far.

“Um… do you want to leave now?” You ask, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“Oh, yeah.” He calmly says, and he takes your hand in his as he slowly opens the closet door.

The two of you are greeted by a bunch of hooting and hollering from the other party goers, and your face is hot with the blush that spreads across your face. You should feel accomplished, proud, but instead you feel weird, and sort of freaked out. It wasn’t towards Seungmin of course, but more towards yourself. You shouldn’t have let it go that far – it wasn’t supposed to go that far. You let the alcohol talk and work you up more than you needed to be and instead you made a fool of yourself. You felt awful for putting Seungmin in such a position that catered to your desires. You let your thoughts win and basically pushed yourself onto him without once thinking about how he felt about it.

Did he even want to do that with you? In the end, it was only supposed to be just a kiss… so why did you feel so many emotions with it? Maybe it was the alcohol finally wearing off or the realization of knowing that you just came to your best friend in a way you honestly shouldn’t have done, but suddenly you were feeling tired and you honestly just wanted to go home now. You tug at the sleeves of Seungmin’s jacket and signal to him that you want to go home by pointing to his car keys. He immediately understands this, and without further questioning he whisks you away and leads you towards his car. The party is a mash of colors and random noise as you navigate your way back towards the front of the house. You can’t even focus right now, and all you wanted was to just be in your room away from everything and everyone.

When you reach his car you don’t wait for him to open the door for you, you simply just climb inside as fast as you can and shut the door. He’s a little confused, but he still gets into the car nonetheless. Silently, he starts up the car and to your relief he’s finally on the road and driving you back home. The car ride is painfully silent, and the two of you don’t make any efforts to talk to one another, a first that was too scary for the both of you to have. You stare out the window and tune out the annoying radio that Seungmin uses as background noise as you focus on your own thoughts. As you sit and stare at everything, Seungmin is tense, gripping the steering wheel as he tries to focus on just getting you back home. He worries if maybe he took things a step too far and he felt the need to apologize.

He figures he should’ve just given you a simple peck and left it alone, but he couldn’t. Parts of him had craved that kiss so much that it was nearly too hard to just deny. He wanted to pull over and talk to you, but whenever he felt the courage to be able to, he pulled back to that version of him that was so afraid to talk about his feelings. He figures that maybe this was one of those situations that needed time to go away on its own before the two of you could talk about it without feeling any type of way. He just hoped that you didn’t hate him, that you would still be able to talk to him after this without being angry.

“Do you want me to spend the night?” He asks, his voice a lot different than the one that spoke to you in the closet earlier. It was more soft and cautious.

Did you even want him to spend the night? Yeah you did, but what was that going to do for you besides drive you even more crazy. You honestly can’t have him next to you while you are like this. You knew that if he saw you the way he did now then he’d only keep you awake by getting you to talk about how you felt, and honestly you just wanted to sleep.

“No.” You simply say.

Seungmin is a little taken aback, but he’s not too surprised. He figured that after this whole thing you’d want to be away from him for a little while, and he can understand why. He doesn’t argue with you, only nodding in acknowledgement and speeding a little so that you could be home faster. You try to fight off the tears that threaten to fall from your eyes, why did you have to be this way? Why did you have to let a kiss ruin your entire mood and make this awkward for you? You knew why, but you didn’t want to come to terms with it, not now, not while you were sitting mere inches away from the person it pertained to. You wished that this night hadn’t ended the way it did, that Chan never dared you to kiss him just because he wanted to play matchmaker.

You were so into your head that you never noticed when Seungmin pulled into the apartment complex parking lot, quietly waiting for you to get out. When you come back into reality you quietly gather your things and without saying a single word you simply open Seungmin’s car door.

“Goodnight.” He suddenly says.

You don’t answer for a while, and for a moment Seungmin figures that maybe you won’t say it at all, but when you’re fully out of the car you speak up again.

“Goodnight.”

You shut the door and quickly head up to your apartment. Seungmin watches as you enter your apartment and disappear, sighing when he sees you turn your apartment lights on. He turns off his car and leans his head on the steering wheel, letting out a frustrated sigh.

—

You were definitely in love with him. This you already knew, but the kiss and the actions that proceeded after that only further confirmed it, and honestly it made you a little afraid. You were worried that if you hung around him then you’d only end up telling him how you felt.

Over time you just started ignoring Seungmin all together. You tore yourself apart over it everyday, but honestly you don’t think you could have him around you right now. You were angry at yourself for allowing your first kiss with him to be in a cramped up storage closet at a party you grew tipsy at, letting your emotions get the best over you too easily. You figured that if you distanced yourself enough he’d grow impatient of waiting on you and he’d eventually leave so that you didn’t have to tell him how you really felt. Was that a dick move? Absolutely, but you’d rather distance ruin your friendship than feelings he probably didn’t reciprocate.

This wasn’t love, you knew that, but love was foreign thing to you, so instead of dealing with it you chose to run away. You don’t think you could handle rejection he’d give you if you confessed, in all honesty it’ll only break you. If it were anyone else, then perhaps you would’ve been able to get over it, but this was Seungmin, someone who you had known for almost your entire life. He wasn’t just some random guy, he was someone who had a huge role in your life, someone who’s words meant a lot more to you than anyone. His rejection would hurt a lot more than anyone else's, it’ll hold more and it’d be a lot harder to get over. Parts of you wanted to think that he wanted to kiss you, that you were just overthinking and that he really did like you back. But you couldn’t risk it, you couldn’t risk doing that to yourself or to him, so you decided to just plan ahead to avoid the worst.

You couldn’t face him, not now and maybe not even ever. You stopped allowing him to come over to your apartment, and you started to plan going out during times you knew he wouldn’t go out. You started to really notice how big of a part Seungmin truly played in your life the more you stayed away from him and honestly it was a little weird. All you’ve ever known was Seungmin, so to not have him by your side was a little odd. Distancing yourself away from him made you realize that he was quite literally ALWAYS with you, even with you at your apartment though he quite literally lived a floor below you. You found the time away from him to be a confusing yet relieving thing as you realized that now you didn’t have someone standing over you twenty four seven.

You stopped taking his calls, and even avoided your other friends knowing that he was going to be around. You kind of wanted nothing to do with him right now, because it allowed you to momentarily breathe and think freely.

On the other end, Seungmin was in absolute agony. When you stopped talking to him it was honestly out of nowhere and very unexpected. He had stopped hearing from you and didn’t see you as much anymore. He began to wonder if the whole thing was his fault, as he had let his own emotions get in the way of the kiss that night. If he had just kissed you normally would things be okay between the two of you? He hated not knowing what you were doing and if you were okay, but he also knew that you probably needed space right now.

As much as he wanted to respect your boundaries, it was also killing him at the same time. He didn’t know what to really do with himself now that you weren’t around him now. He found his apartment too quiet for his liking, it allowed him to focus way too much on his thoughts and he hated it. His journal entries were full of nothing of nothing but you lately, and sometimes they were full-on stories and often they were just two sentences. He couldn’t function normally without you, seeing that socializing with other people was just too boring and taxing on him. He didn’t feel the need to go out as much and he found that maybe he had way too much free time than he’d like.

He felt empty, like he was missing something in his life. He didn’t think that kiss shared between the two of you would end up like this. Maybe it was because he was too much of a coward to admit his feelings towards you, angry that he let you go all this time without telling you how he really felt about you. He was just so horrible with words and he found it so hard to admit something that was so small to you. He liked you — in love with you even, and it didn’t take a scholar to figure that out, but when it came to you it was so hard for him to say that.

If he told you how he felt would this have gone differently? If he had just opened up to how he felt would you still be around? He felt like he had lost you, like you were the only thing keeping him together — and honestly you were. Without you his life felt sort of meaningless, like there wasn’t really anything else to look forward to.

In the end, Seungmin was respectful before anything else. If you needed space then he wasn’t the one to intrude and bother you when you didn’t need it. It pained him, but it would’ve also pained him to keep you around knowing that you didn’t want to be. Maybe it was for the best right now to be away from you, it could be a lesson for him. In his time away from you he took the time to reflect on himself, to allow himself to feel the way he does. He’ll work on himself as long as it means that you’d come back to him in the end.

These days it felt like all of his thoughts were full of nothing but you. He wondered what you were up to right now, were you missing him just as much as he missed you? Were you feeling the same way he was? Lost, distressed and lonely? Perhaps you were feeling good about this whole thing and using it as time for yourself. He didn’t want to be the one to take your freedom away from you, this could’ve been what you needed. Or maybe you were waiting on him to show up to your apartment without having to ask. Being away from you meant not really knowing what you wanted him to do anymore. Back then, when the two of you were upset towards each other all it took was a simple apology from him and a trip to your favorite restaurant for you to feel better. Now, things felt different, almost like they weren’t entirely the same anymore. Times where either of you were upset towards each other were rare, and so you being upset with him was still a foreign concept.

The reason for this distance also felt a lot different too. Normally the two of you would be upset over a small disagreement whenever you did get angry at him, but this time it wasn’t the same. You had distanced yourself from him because of a kiss, because of feelings he couldn’t verbally say. He didn’t know what to do in a situation like this, should he keep calling you? Should he show up to your apartment with flowers and kiss you at your doorstep? He should probably stick to talking to you first before doing anything as drastic as that. If he had the chance, he’d go back in time to stop himself from agreeing to it in the first place. If not kissing you meant that you’d be here with him then for now he regrets it. He regrets kissing you at a party in the conditions you two were given and not saying anything afterwards.

Truth is, he was scared. He didn’t know what to do after he had kissed you. He was afraid that if he used that time to confess then you would’ve just turned him down. You were drunk and he didn’t want to ask you out like that, definitely not at some party. He didn’t want you to think too hard about your relationship with him if he did bring it up to you, he thought he was doing the right thing by letting it go afterwards. He should’ve said something — anything. He should’ve told you that he enjoyed kissing you, that he loved having you pressed against him the way you were. He should’ve held you for a little while longer and told you how he felt about you in his car. There was a lot he should’ve done that night, and maybe it wasn’t the kiss he regretted , but the way he didn’t do anything about it after.

It was his fault, this whole thing was his fault. You deserve someone who could verbalize their feelings way better than he can. Perhaps this was your eye opening moment, an opportunity to show that Seungmin might’ve not been who you were supposed to be with. If that meant allowing you to walk out of his life to find something, or someone better, then Seungmin would allow it. As much as it would’ve killed him to see you actually go, it would hurt him less to know that you were doing something that made you happy. All Seungmin ever wanted was for you to just be happy, to experience life in ways you’ve never thought of before, to find yourself. He wanted to be your first friend, your first adventure and maybe even your first love. If you weren’t to find any of that with him then he’d be okay, he just wanted you to know how loved you were by him.

Someday you’ll find someone other than Seungmin who’ll be able to tell you a whole lot better than he ever could. And he’ll gladly sit on the side if that meant that you were happy, if it meant that you truly didn’t need him anymore. He couldn’t be your first love, but he was your first breath of fresh air, your first person to cry to and your first reason to be alive. That was enough for him, to know that you’ll eventually leave him still full of the love he had given him. He’ll always have a piece of you, whether it was him watching your favorite show by himself or going to your favorite shared restaurant alone. He’ll find you in everything he does, he’ll find you in the way he cooks his food, in the way he dresses himself, he doesn’t think he’ll ever lose his pieces of you.

And he hopes that you’ll carry pieces of him too no matter where you go and what you are to him. He hopes you’ll find him in everything you do, that you’ll be reminded of him whenever you do something. That you’ll see him whenever you go grocery shopping with your lover or you’ll see him in a movie you share with someone else. He just wants you to hold the memory of him for as long as you can, and in return he’ll hold the memories of you close to his heart and to his grave. He knows that he’s not the only one for you, but he’s glad to have been someone to you.

If he had the chance right now he’d tell you he was sorry. He’s sorry for holding himself back, for not loving you how you needed to be loved, for not being there for you.

In another universe you’d be here with him, pouring all your love into him with kisses. But instead he’s alone, regretting all of the things he should’ve done differently.

—

It had been awhile since you’ve really last seen Seungmin, and honestly you were starting to wonder if you’d ever really see him again.

It’s been a month since the kiss, and he’s never stopped texting or calling you ever since. You feel a bit bad about it, for ignoring him out of the blue, but right now you both needed this. You both needed time to properly process each of your emotions and be able to do things without the need for either one of you to be around. You quickly learned to do things without having to need Seungmin around, finding a decent schedule in life that you never knew you had the ability to make. Of course, while you were away from him you never stopped thinking about him either, and you wondered if he was okay.

Often you’d see him leaving his apartment and you’d find yourself wanting to stop him and talk to him, but you had to remind yourself that the distance was necessary. In order to really get over him you had to separate yourself to avoid gaining any further feelings for him. You wanted to come back to your friendship with no romantic feelings so that you’re able to talk to him and be around him without feeling too awkward. Even though it was a little unfair to him since he wasn’t made aware of this ‘break’, you figured that he had to have some level of understanding of what was going on. You were doing this for the both of you, even though he didn’t really know that.

You weren’t planning to ignore him for long, and honestly you weren’t really planning to ignore him for this long it just sort of happened. You decided to just keep at it since maybe the longer you ignored him the faster those evil romantic thoughts of him would go away. And though they never really did, you were determined to at least work on yourself enough to be able to come back to him as you once were.

You’re finally working again after impulsively quitting your last one in fear that you’d see him again. After an adequate amount of time passed you figured that maybe you’ll give working a job another try since you kind of needed it right now because your parents weren't going to be able to help you with your apartment forever. You figure that if you work somewhere that Seungmin didn’t know about then the chances of you seeing him again would be slim and you wouldn’t have to worry about any encounters with him anytime soon. Your plan was completely foolproof, and for the longest you believed that your idea of starting a job somewhere else was absolutely genius. Seungmin was always your main driver, allowing you to drive his car once in a while, but since he wasn’t around it was a little taxing to take the bus every now and then, but you managed it just fine after a while.

You were working your normal shift as you had been for the past few weeks, and like normal you didn’t have any expectations for him to show up. It’s been weeks now, there was no way he’d show up right now anyway. You were working as a retail associate in a small boutique that you hadn’t heard of until you overheard someone on campus mentioning it. It piqued your interest, and after doing the application and getting to know everyone you were quickly accepted and you grew to like it more than you thought. It was a lot different than your last job, since you had no experience as a retail associate, but you grasped the concept of everything right away. You were minding your business, folding clothes away and humming a random song to yourself as you always had when suddenly the bell above the door went off.

It was a rather slow day, so whenever a customer popped in you were quick to hurry over to them and help them as soon as possible in order to avoid taking up any time. You set the pile of clothes you were holding back down on the clothing shelf and dust your hands off as you make your way towards the counter seeing that was where the customer headed straight over to. You assume they just needed to return something or had a question, so you figure that whatever it was that it wasn’t going to take long. You maintain a bright smile on your face as you prepare to meet the customer, but as you round the corner your smile instantly fades and a wave of terror took over your entire body.

There, standing at the counter, was Seungmin, the one you had been ignoring for a long time. He’s not exactly too happy to see you either when he hears you coming up from his side, his face forming into a look of shock and slight confusion. You’re both standing there unable to form any type of sentence or thoughts as you stand before him. It was your job anyway to interact with customers and help them, but right now you were feeling like doing the exact opposite of that. You wanted to tell him that the store was closed and that he had to come back on another day, but you knew your manager would emerge from the back if she saw you turning him away. You sigh and try to compose yourself, it’s just a simple interaction, it’s not like he’s here for anything else, and you’re not here to talk to him.

“Can I help you?” You ask, but your words come out a little harsher than intended to. You’re just as taken aback as he is when you speak, but you shake it off and wait for him to say something.

“I um, I was here to return this.” He tells you, holding up a shirt in his hands. You take the time to carefully inspect the shirt and you realize it’s a shirt you had bought him for the party the two of you attended. Your eyes dart back up to him and there’s a light blush across his face from embarrassment.

“Yeah, sure.” You say, stretching your hand out. He can tell that you’re a little upset by it and he’s exactly right. You bought that for him because you thought it would look good on him, and for the short time it was worn it definitely was, but you guess he didn’t like it as much as you did.

You expect him to hand you the shirt and leave or something, but instead he just stands there looking you dead in your eyes. You grow a little impatient, so you decide to speed this up by trying to just reach for it and take it, but he pulls his hand back in time.

“Hey, I’m sorry, It’s like I didn’t like it or anything–” He begins, but you cut him off by trying to reach for it again, huffing a frustrated sigh when you miss.

“I don’t care, just give me the shirt. I’m not here to talk to you.” You say, eyes trained on the shirt instead of on him.

Seungmin furrows his eyebrows, you’ve never spoken to him like that before, did the kiss between the two of you really cause you to hate him this much?

“What’s your problem?” He genuinely asks, and you emit another loud sigh, separating yourself away from him to keep yourself from going for the shirt again.

“I’m not doing this with you right now. I’m trying to work, so if you’re not here for anything then I think you should leave.”

Seungmin is a lot more shocked now at how you’re speaking to him, and for a second he’s a little upset with you. You’ve been ignoring him all this time, and now that he’s seeing you again you’re just getting short with him and growing angry.

“I’m not leaving. I want you to talk to me.” He says again and you finally look at him.

“Seungmin.” You sternly say, “I am not talking to you right now! Do you see where we are?” You say, and he crosses his arms.

“Okay? So can we talk when you’re done with work?” He asks, and all you can do is pinch the bridge of your nose.

“If that’ll get you off my back right now then– Ugh! Yes, we can talk after I’m done, but right now I can’t deal with you.” You tell him, and you can see the look of relief wash over his face.

“Okay– I’ll take you home and we can just talk there?” He asks, but you’re walking away, waving him off to dismiss the conversation.

“Yeah yeah.”

–

You can’t believe that you’re doing this, that after months of deliberately ignoring him you’re actually in his car almost like nothing ever happened. The car ride is nearly as silent as it was on that day of the party, the same annoying radio station blasting through his speakers. You’re almost annoyed at yourself for allowing him to easily talk you into doing this, at the time you were just upset and wanted to get the whole interaction over with so you weren’t really thinking. You guess it’s time for the two of you to talk anyway, you were just annoyed that it was earlier than what you were expecting it to be. It was a lot more impulsive too, you didn’t even get to properly plan the talk out, it just sort of happened.

You weren’t even sure if you were ready to talk to him right now, your thoughts and feelings about him were about the same as they were before this was happening, so you were worried you’d end up saying something stupid if you weren’t too careful. The closer you get to your apartment the more you wonder if you should tell him to drop you off and go home, to tell him not to expect anything from you. But those were too harsh, you were already mean enough to him at the boutique and to be fair he deserved at least some sort of explanation from you, even if it weren’t the full truth. You let out a sigh you didn’t even know you were holding and you continue staring out of the window as you draw closer and closer to a talk you honestly weren’t even ready for.

When the two of you do reach your apartment building, it’s still a little silent when you both get out. You make sure to grab all of your things and then you allow him to follow you up to your apartment afterwards. You decide that if you were going to talk to him then you were just going to keep it short and simple, not planning to have this conversation last all night. You enter your apartment building and allow him to squeeze in right after you once you’re inside. The apartment is just as silent as you are, and Seungmin is a little surprised to see that it was a lot more different than it was the last time he saw it. You’ve definitely moved a lot of things around as well as bought a few more items to fill the once empty space in your home. It’s a lot more cozier than last time, and it kind of saddens him to know he wasn’t there for any of it.

The more he stands in your house the more nervous he gets once he realizes that you’re not going to talk first. He was the one that wanted to talk to you, so you were simply going to sit on the couch and wait for him to speak. Seungmin stares at the ground for a bit before going over to one of the ottomans that lie on the ground, sitting atop of it. It was now or never, and personally Seungmin wasn’t looking forward to having to wait on you to talk to him again. So, with a shaky breath he begins to talk.

“What’s going on with us?” He asks, and you squint at him.

“There’s nothing wrong with us.” You simply say, “We’re just taking a break from one another.”

“But why? Not only did you ignore me for an entire month – but you did it without telling me anything. It was like you just upped and left.” He says, a little upset at how calm you’re being right now.

“So? I don’t understand why that’s such a big deal. It’s not like I was planning to ignore you forever or anything, I just needed space.” You admit, and his face twists into a slightly confused look.

“The problem is that you didn’t tell me that you wanted space. You normally tell me everything, so why is it that you’re suddenly pulling yourself away from me and acting like it was okay to just ghost me like that?”

You cross your arms, tongue poking at your cheek from the level of irritation you were feeling. It wasn’t his fault, he didn’t know the real reason that you were doing this, but you were starting to grow upset, because any longer of this and you might just end up telling him. You can only be irritated in hopes he’d just grow upset and finally leave you alone, but you knew Seungmin. If something was going on he was going to press you about it, even if it took all night or even days. Now that he was here, there was no way of escape, you were backed into a corner and forced to talk about how you felt whether you liked it or not.

“Seungmin, do you ever just feel so… stuck and cramped because we’re always together?” You ask, completely ignoring his question. He tilts his head, a little unsure of what path this conversation was about to take.

“No, I don’t. You know why? Because I actually enjoy being with you.” He honestly answers and you scoff, of course he’d say that. “Do you not feel the same way?” He asks you, and you shake your head ‘no’ in full honesty.

“If you want the truth, no, I don’t. We’re always together and I was getting sick and tired of constantly being around you all the time. This time away made me realize how refreshing it was to not have you around.” You honestly admit, and his jaw drops at your words.

He’s hurt by your blunt honesty, but if he left now then he’d never have the chance to talk to you, so he tries to push it aside. “Why couldn’t you have just said that? Why did you let it resort to you just pushing me away?”

You roll your eyes, leaning against the couch as you try to think, “‘Cause you’re sensitive, I don’t know!” You answer, sitting back up to look at him again. “If I told you then you would’ve just been all upset and ran off.”

“You don’t think I’m upset right now too?” He asks, genuine confusion on his face towards your words.

“Of course you’re upset. You’re upset when this whole thing is your fault, when you kissed me and then proceeded to make my life more difficult.” You spat, and his demeanor is a little more sad now.

“Why.. Do you hate me?” He asks, his voice soft and a little afraid.

You groan in frustration, holding your face in your hands. You were clearly making this worse on yourself, and you had to figure out a way to save it before things got to the point of being unsalvageable. “I don’t hate you! I just– ugh!”

“So? What is it then, huh? Why are you doing to me, why are you pretending like any of that never happened? What did I do to y–” He begins, but you’re quick to cut him off.

“Because I’m in love with you, okay?” You blurt out, and you’re talking before you can even process it. “I’m so in love with you, and I can’t stand to be around you without wanting that kiss to mean something to us. I don’t want to be around you knowing that you don’t even love me in the same way that I know I do.”

You cover your mouth in pure shock from your own confession, and suddenly the apartment grows silent again. You just confessed, and you feel like your entire world has just crashed down on you. It wasn’t supposed to be like this – it was never meant to be like this. You weren’t supposed to let your confession slip, you were supposed to just talk to him and let him leave. You were brought back to that feeling you felt when you first kissed him, idiotic, embarrassed and ashamed. You were such a fool for even allowing your feelings to develop past anything romantic and because you were so horrible at keeping your mouth shut you might’ve just ruined the only good thing in your life.

Maybe you weren’t able to fully come to terms with your feelings and that’s probably why you felt so emotional over this whole thing.

“I’m just so afraid of losing you because I can’t control how I feel..” You softly say, tears threatening to fall.

You felt like such a mess, unsure of why you couldn’t just admit anything to him. Seungmin was surprised, a little unsure himself of what to say due to the fact that now he was too shy to tell you the same thing. The words he so desperately wanted to say got caught in his throat, and all he could do was stare at you. He stared and stared, hoping that you’d understand him like you always had, but instead you only just pushed him away further. You knew exactly how this was going to end, and now that you were at that point be nothing didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would. Instead, you only stand, avoiding his gaze as you hold your arm.

“Can you just… leave? I don’t think we can be in each other's lives right now..” You quietly say, a single tear rolling down your cheek.

Seungmin is a little hesitant, not wanting to leave as he knew that once he left here you’d be gone from his life forever. He didn’t want that, he wanted to talk to you, to confess his feelings but the same fear he had always felt when it came to you slowly crept up on him. He didn’t want to further complicate things, so instead of trying to protest, he only got up and listened to your simple wish of wanting him to leave. And without any further words, he opens your front door and leaves.

When you know he’s fully far away from your apartment, all you can really do is cry. You felt so stupid and it was only then that you realized that this whole thing was truly your fault. If you had just talked to him, if you hadn’t pushed him away like that, if you had just confessed earlier, then maybe you wouldn’t be here.

—

For the first time in forever, you’ve finally grown to know what it felt like to really be alone.

Ever since the fight you had been isolating yourself, you never went to work, or did you go to classes ever since. You had ended up hurting the only person who was ever there for you and now because of your poor choice of words and ability to talk you might never see him again.

And after that you never really did. When you were ignoring him before he’d still make the effort to text you every now and again, but now he didn’t do it at all. The other end of the phone grew completely silent, and you even stopped seeing him leave his apartment as well. You weren’t even sure if he lived in the same apartment building anymore after realizing that his car wasn’t in the parking lot as it once had been. Maybe he ended up going back home, and honestly you don’t blame him, but it makes you wish that you were with him while he did so. Winter break was rolling around and as students began going home for the next few weeks, you came to terms that you’ll just be staying here by yourself.

You missed your hometown, you missed the familiarity, the sense of knowing that everything was going to be okay. You missed when you were a child, where being in love didn’t really exist and when it did then it didn’t bring complicated emotions with it. But most importantly, you missed Seungmin. You miss holding him and having him next to you, you miss your late night conversations and you miss getting lost in every word he said to you.

You wish that you told him you loved him before you came to college, because even then you had known it. You knew you loved him then, but you had always told yourself that you weren’t in love but just really fond of him. You wish you hadn’t convinced yourself that it was less than what it actually was, for letting yourself be afraid when you didn’t have to be. Love was such a foreign concept to you, you’ve never really had time to process it, so when you experience it with someone you were meant to be with platonically it ruins you. You didn’t want to ruin your friendship because you forced yourself to believe that you weren’t supposed to have feelings for someone you only were supposed to see as a friend. You were so scared of just verbalizing your feelings that you had convinced yourself that pushing him away was the right thing.

And now, as winter rolls around and it grows colder, you’re all by yourself with no one to lean on and nothing to keep you warm from this cold season. You’re a lot lonely than you realized, and you know now that you’ve taken Seungmins presence for granted. You thought that being away from him was what you wanted, but really you just wanted to be away from how you felt.

“Are you coming home for winter break?” Your mom asks over the phone, and you shrug although she can’t see.

“Not sure.”

The University is closed for winter break now, and after weeks of telling your mom that you might come home you had to be the bearer of bad news and let her know that it might not happen. You had been sitting in your house for weeks trying to figure out how you were supposed to tell her that you and Seungmin weren’t exactly on speaking terms right now and so you didn’t really have a ride back home anymore. You thought you would’ve had an explanation by now, but all you were able to come up with was that you simply just weren’t sure. You didn’t feel like dealing with a load of questions regarding your status with Seungmin, so you just hoped she’d be a little sad about it and leave you be.

“You know..” She begins, and you’re sitting up in your chair now, intently listening to what she was going to say. “I saw Seungmin a few days ago, I was a little worried when I realized you weren’t with him, is everything okay?” She asks, and you can hear the genuine concern in her tone.

You quietly sighed knowing that it was no use in trying to hide the fact that you and Seungmin weren’t hanging around each other right now. You were also a little relieved to know that he did in fact end up just going back home, and although you sort of knew that it still made you feel better to hear it confirmed. “Yeah um..” You begin, trying to think of a reason as to why you weren’t down there right now.

“He had a family emergency and I was too busy with work and class to join him, so I decided to just stay here.” You lie through your teeth, squeezing your eyes shut and holding your breath as you hope she buys the excuse.

The other end is silent for a moment, and you worry that she might’ve seen right through your lie and was trying to figure out a way to confront you about it. “Oh, I see. Well.. why don’t you tell me where the nearest train station is to you and I’ll just buy you a train ticket, okay?” and you release the anxious breath you had been holding the entire time.

“Yeah– Yeah, okay, I can do that.” You say with a small smile. “Okay, just text it to me and I’ll buy you the ticket, okay?” She reiterates, and you nod even though she can’t see, “Yeah, okay I will. Love you.” You confirm, and she lets out a sound of relief. “Alright, I love you too.”

—

Your hometown is a lot different than what you remember.

As the train pulls into the train station, you’re met with the few familiar sights of what you once used to know when you were younger. There’s a lot more to it though, more colorful buildings and pretty greenery, you figure the town was trying to seem more appealing. It felt weird returning after being away for so long, and it still felt unreal that you were even actually here. Just a few days ago you were telling yourself that you were going to just stay at home and now you’re back in the place you wish you had never left. Although you were nervous to see everyone again, part of the whole trip made you happy. It was nice to be home and to be able to see that there were still some parts of your childhood still hanging around.

You haul your luggage towards the front of the train station where your parents are happily waiting for you at. When you catch sight of them you’re quick to rush over to them and engulf them in a huge suffocating hug. Their familiar scents fill your nose and ease your worries as you cling to them a little longer than intended.

“Oh, you’ve grown so beautifully, my baby.” Your mother coo’s into your hair as she continues to rock you in her arms.

For the first time in a while you feel safe and secure, and you’re no longer really worried about anything right now. All you care about is finally being home in a place you know that you belong in at least for now. When everyone’s ready to leave you gather your things and make your way back to their car. The car ride is more talkative and energetic, and you make sure to fill your parents in on things that you’ve experienced on your wild journey in college. Of course, you make sure to leave out the details of the only party you’ve ever attended while you were there and the fact that you and Seungmin weren’t really on speaking terms right now.

While you guys are having conversation you’re also staring out the window, buildings of your childhood emerging from every corner you all turn and flooding your mind with memories they all hold. Even though the downtown area has changed a bit, your small little old neighborhood remains the same. You’re glad that nothing really ever changed since you left, and it makes you feel like you’re really at home. The further you all drove into your neighborhood the more you really felt like you were at home, the familiar sight of your house just inches away. But, It also breaks your heart to know that Seungmins house is just mere inches down from yours, and you wish that you could see him right now. You crane your head a bit to try and see if his car was in the driveway, biting back your frown when you see his small gray car make itself known in your sights.

Almost as if he were reading your mind, your father speaks up. “Do you want to visit Seungmin before we head home? I heard that he ended up having to leave without you and you know how you two are.” He says, the last line being a little joke about how inseparable the two of you are…or were at least.

Your eyes widen at the mention of his name and you quickly shake your head. “Oh! He um– He told me that he wouldn’t be home when I arrived, so I’ll just see him later.” You say, an awkward smile sitting on your face.

Your parents exchange looks of mild confusion but your father shrugs anyway. “Well alright, we’re almost home.” He tells you and you nod.

When you all arrive at your childhood home you’re quick to get out and admire the building as it stood. It was still the same old two story building as before, just with a little bit more chipped paint and a few plants withering away now. Though it’s changed a bit over these past years, it still felt the same to you. You grab all of your luggage and head inside, the familiar scent of your home fills your nose and you release a satisfied sigh. You quickly head upstairs to your old bedroom, your eyes big in awe at how everything was still in place. Your bed was neatly made and your things were all still in place like you never left. As you walk further inside, your smile fades when you come into view of the wall that was completely covered in memorabilia of you and Seungmin together. There were hardly any parts of the wall left to see as you stare at the amount of pictures and drawings the two of you shared together. You run your fingers alongside the items you kept from him, your mouth slightly turning upward when you see the writings the both of you wrote were still intact.

Although you were ‘home’, you still didn’t have your home next to you the way he should’ve been. He should be here with you, staring at your wall and making fun of you for the silly things you’ve kept on your wall.

You sigh, you’re missing him more than ever now.

You throw yourself across your bed, the plush blankets hitting the back of your head as you stare up at the ceiling, lazily turning your head to stare at the wall. You haven’t even unpacked any of your stuff, and you didn’t take the time to see the rest of the house. As much as you loved being home, you really just wanted to come back to your room and stare at the piles of memories you’ve made with Seungmin as the two of you grew up. You were hoping you’d have something to add from College, but you didn’t. You didn’t think you’d be coming home by yourself, left to stare at something that once was used as a dedication to life now sit and collect dust.

You didn’t think you’d ever know what life without him felt like, what it felt like not having him around you anymore. As your eyes scan the wall, you catch a glimpse of that flimsy little bracelet that you’ve worn around your wrist for who knows how long, and suddenly you feel like time stops. You wonder if he was wearing his right now, or maybe he had taken it off, you wouldn’t have blamed him if he did. You lift your other hand, bringing it slowly towards your bracelet as you gently loop your fingers underneath it – just like how he did that night.

His words feel like they were a lifetime ago, yet they replay in your mind the moment you touch your bracelet. You think of his words the day you two were in the field, how you made him feel. If you could see him again you’d ask to visit the field, and maybe you’d have the confidence to tell him you loved him there, that it had always been him. Tears well in your eyes and your heart stings in your chest as you hold a tighter grip on your bracelet. No matter how you look at it, you broke your promise to him, and you did it in the worst way possible. You let go of the bracelet now, but tears don’t hesitate to fall from your eyes as you replay his words in your mind like a broken record. You were supposed to be his reason for living – for being alive, and you took that away from him because of how selfish you were for your own feelings.

You don’t know if you’ll ever see him again, but If he were here now you’d hold him and tell him you were sorry, but you don’t think you’ll ever get the chance to.

—

For the first time in years, you were able to watch it snow again.

For you, snow has always been a sign of luck and it has held good memories ever since you’ve met Seungmin. While you were in College it never snowed when winter break came, and although you were with Seungmin at the time it made you sad. You were used to going outside and traditionally building snowmen with him while he openly criticizes it. And you don’t care if he judges it, because you knew that was how he showed his love to you. But you don’t have him anymore, and the snow feels so much different to you now. It reminds you of a life you once loved, a reminder that you’ll never have that life again. You wish you could be happy about it again, that you could wake Seungmin up and beg him to go outside with you, but you can’t. The snow feels unfamiliar, almost as if you honestly didn’t know it anymore, like it didn’t have any purpose. It wasn’t sunny as it normally would have been, and for a moment you wonder that the universe might be sympathizing with you by giving you gray skies and endless amounts of snow, like it was trying to show how sorry it was for you.

As you stare out of the window all you can think of is him, and now the snow only feels like a distant memory to you. You semi-cover up your windows, ultimately deciding on just staying inside instead of going out like you normally would have. You don’t have it in you anymore, maybe it was because you were getting older, or because the snow didn’t serve as any importance anymore. You climb back into your bed, huffing as you pull your blankets closer around yourself, and you think to yourself that if you sleep long enough – the snow will pass and you won’t have to stare at it anymore.

Except you can’t sleep, you’re tossing and turning and you swear you can almost hear the snowflakes falling down on your window – like it was taunting you, teasing you. You pull your pillows closer over your head, squeezing your eyes shut and just hoping you’d fall asleep fast enough to pass the day. On what felt like your 100th turn you groan, peeking out from underneath the blanket and staring into the cloudy gray sky. When you’re about to try your attempts at falling asleep again, a figure comes into your room, obstructing your view of the window once they come into frame.

“Hey, breakfast’s ready. I didn’t know if you were up or not – but I heard all that tossing and figured you were.” Your father says, a small grin on his face when he sees a singular eyeball peeking out from underneath the mountains of blanket.

You shake your head, “Not hungry.” You murmur.

Your father stares at you with a look of concern before he’s squatting down in front of you, a comforting hand on top of your head. “I know it’s a little cloudy today, but don’t let it ruin your mood. Once you’re outside you’ll find it to be just like the old times.” He tells you, and you remove a portion of the blanket to reveal your other eye.

Perhaps he was right, although you wanted to fight it, parts of you did want to go outside again. You figure that it wouldn’t hurt to go outside for at least a little bit, just long enough to feel the cold ice on your hands and the brisk winds to hit your face. You blink up at him before slowly sitting up again, giving him a small smile.

“You know.. I think I’ll take you up on that and head outside for a bit.”

—

When you’re fully dressed, you make your way outside and the snow is thick and crunchy beneath your feet as it always had been, and there are large amounts of it everywhere.

It feels weird having snow on a groggy day like this, but at the same time it almost feels relieving, like you didn’t have to force yourself to be in too much of a good mood. You could just feel as you are and reunite with the snow as if it were any other thing, and you do just that. You walk a little ways from your front yard to a small area that is next to your home, squatting down to at least stick your hand in the snow.

As your hands play and draw in the snow, you start to feel a little alive again, memories flooding in like a broken dam. It reminds you of when you had first moved here, alone yet curious about the snow. It had never snowed where you were originally from, so when you had come here it was a sight that amazed you. The snow made you feel the wonders of life, like there was more to explore than just your small little town. And when you met Seungmin, you felt as if he were a gift brought to you by the snow. Like he was sent to you to show you more forms of life than just the one you had known when you were a little smaller. And growing up he did, you grew to know what being in a thunderstorm felt like, what it felt like to walk through trees in a path far from home. You had explored and lived so many lives that when you grew up they just … went away.

Tears well in your eyes as you sit and stare at the snow. Where did the time go? Moments ago you were a child, playing and running around in the snow with Seungmin, and now you’re an adult watching as the pile of snow you were holding slowly melts away. It reminds you of your life, how Seungmin was your snow and you slowly let him melt away from you. Even when you promised you wouldn’t, that you swore you’d keep him for as long as he lived, you broke your promise, and lost that one reason why snow was so important to you. Maybe because of him, snow meant something to you, and now that he wasn’t here to experience it with you it almost felt like nothing. Exactly summed up how your life felt at the moment, like it didn’t mean much of anything anymore.

And then you remember it, and you can’t stop yourself from walking further down the street away from home. You begin to remember that small little opening that you met him in, how precious it was to you as you grew up. You were drawn to it, almost like it was calling you as you continued to trudge through the thick snow. You keep walking until you find that small clearing, and suddenly you’re a kid again, your eyes wide and curious as you cautiously make your way through it. The opening Is still the same as you had left it, and it was just as pretty covered in snow as you remembered. It was a space circled by trees, and it felt like entering another world when you feel the snowflakes falling atop of your head as you walk further.

You stand there for a moment, your eyes closed and your arms open as you try and feel how you once felt being in this hidden space. It felt magical, almost like your worries were lifted away the moment you had stepped in. When you open your eyes again you notice a small blur in the distance, the small little snowflakes covering your view. You squint and try to make out what it was, worried that it was some kind of animal and then you’d have to leave. You don’t walk towards it, you just stand there and try to think about what it could’ve been. If it were an animal it doesn’t seem to be worried too much about you, as it was facing away. You begin to cautiously approach, wondering if maybe it were a deer.

Your shoes feel heavy with snow as you make your way over, the snowfall starting to lighten up the closer you get to the figure. You wonder if approaching an animal like this was a good idea, but to be honest you wanted to have some kind of cool story to bring back to your parents when you got home, so you pushed on. You just only hoped that the animal was friendly or else you weren’t sure if you’d be able to outrun it in time if it weren’t. Your heart races in your chest, and your head throbs from the cold, but as you continue to approach, the figure comes more in view and you’re soon to realize that it was definitely more of a person than an animal. You assume some kid probably found it just as you had years ago, so you let out a breath of relief and decide to turn around when a glimpse of their wrist comes into view.

Your heart nearly stops when you realize that on their wrist, was the same bracelet that you had given Seungmin all those years ago. You stop immediately in your tracks, the once heavy snowfall now dissipating into a very light snowfall, allowing you to see a lot clearer now. As awkward as it should’ve been, your body fills with affection once you realize that even after a tough patch between you two he still chose to come here. He’s probably here for the same reason as you, to feel like you once did when you were both children. You want to say something to him, to immediately spring onto him and hug him while apologizing profusely. You notice that he was making a snowman, and you realize that he’s never honestly gotten better at making them.

You hug your arm, and without really knowing why you continue to approach him. You thought that maybe you’d have something to say to him once you gain the courage to speak up, but nothing comes to mind. You want to apologize, to cry into his shoulders and hold him close to you, but you’re afraid. Maybe that’s how he felt when he first saw you, afraid. You put yourself in his shoes, feeling how awkward he must’ve felt to see that someone other than him was out here. It almost felt the same, except he wasn’t just some guy you had never seen before. The thought of him doing the same thought process of how to approach you almost makes you giggle, and you stop when you’re finally fully behind him.

You think of the only way to approach him that you know how, and if it doesn’t work you’ve convinced yourself enough that it’d be okay to just walk away and pretend it never happened. So, without any more hesitation, you clear your throat and speak.

“That looks horrible.”

Seungmin stops his movements, stiff as if he had just been threatened for his life. It hasn't been that long since he’s seen you, has it? There’s no way he was starting to hear your voice out of nowhere. He had always felt like this place was magical, but he didn’t think it was ‘starting to hear your voice talk to him’ type magical. Then, for a moment he thinks everything over, and what if it really were you? He hasn’t seen you in so long that the thought of running into you nearly terrifies him. He felt like he didn’t have all his emotions together, and he worried that he’d ruin things if he said how he felt. He wants to see you again, to tell you that he loves you and that he’s sorry for leaving that day, but he’s afraid. He’s afraid he’d confess if he saw you again, that’s not what he wanted.

He holds in his breath, trying to rationalize that maybe it really wasn’t you. Maybe it was just some other person who also thinks that his snowman was really ugly. He braces himself, slowly turning to face the owner of the voice to see who it was.

His eyes widen when he sees that it really is you, and that it wasn’t the opening playing cruel tricks on him. You’re really standing in front of him, staring at him with apologetic eyes and still looking the same as ever. Things changed, but you certainly have not, and that's what Seungmin loves so much about you, that no matter how long he’s last seen you, you’ll always be the same.

The two of you don’t say anything for a while, and you wonder if you’ve made the right choice by even stepping outside at all. But you don’t let this deter you, as you peer over his shoulder, staring down at the pitiful looking snowman that he was building prior to your arrival. Maybe you can’t fix your friendship, but the least you could do was fix his snowman, right? So, without words you silently walk around him, squatting down once you’re in level to his snowman. And, without words you’re fixing his snowman back up for him. He’s always let you do this, and the distance that was put between the two of you won’t ever change that. He decided to join in as well, grabbing random piles of snow to add onto the sides of the poor snowman.

For a while, the two of you just sit like this, rebuilding his snowman like you always have since being with him. You’re sneaking glances at him while he works, and in turn he does the same, taking in the way you look while you focus on the snowman’s face. You’re turning his scowl into a small smile, and his pineneedle hair is put more into a mohawk, which makes Seungmin smile a bit. It takes a while, but after some careful consideration and silent building, it looks a lot better than it did prior to you coming here. The two of you stare at the completed snowman, satisfaction washing over the both of you the more you stare at it’s more completed look. Seungmin has always been bad at making snowmen, but that’s why he has you, right?

Seungmin figures that you won’t be around for long, so he doesn’t say anything to make it less painful for him. But then you find it in yourself to speak up.

“I’m sorry.”

He turns to you, a sad look on his face. “For what?”

You sigh, still unable to face him.

“I was so stupid. I let myself push you away over the fear of getting hurt.” You admit, turning to face him now. You both sit down on a small open patch of grass made by the amount of times the two of you have walked around in the snow after it melted.

“I was so afraid of just talking to you that I shut you out, and thought I could justify it by saying that we just needed a break. But I was so wrong.” You continue, a shy hand drawing circles in the snow.

“I’ve realized that I do want you around – that you were a huge part in my life that I selfishly took for granted.” You tell him, tears threatening to spill from your eyes again. You hated how a lack of communication made you drift so far apart from him.

“I was so scared of ruining our friendship because I knew I was in love with you. I thought that if I just played it off as strong fondness then it wouldn’t feel weird.” You say, now holding your face in your hands as you speak. The ground was starting to hurt now, but you felt as if you deserved it, that you deserved any pain you had caused him, even if it was small. You can’t even bring yourself to face him anymore, worried that if you saw his face you’d cry and then you wouldn’t make sense anymore.

Even after all this time he was still there to listen to you, and you hated it. What did you do to deserve someone like him?

“But then… you kissed me and I freaked out. I was reminded of all of my feelings that I tried so hard to keep down, and that’s when I knew I really was truly in love with you. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to tell you, so I hid, I hid like an idiot.” You say, your voice raising towards the last bit of the sentence at how upset you were with yourself.

You take in a deep inhale, “I figured that if I ignored you then.. You’d give up on me and then you wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.”

Seungmin felt his heart shatter at your words, and he hates that he didn’t try hard enough to talk to you then. He spent so much time thinking that you hated him that he didn’t consider reaching out to you and bothering you about it like he always had. In a way, he did give up, and the more he sits here the more he realizes that now. He should’ve kept trying, should’ve stayed that night and just told you how he felt. Have you always felt that way? Like if you’d stop talking to him that he’d just give up on you so easily? He felt like a child all over again, staring up at you as he found speaking to you about the way he felt so difficult. He hears you – he definitely does, but when he goes to speak he’s almost speechless, like he doesn’t know what to say. His mind is so jumbled and all over the place that he can’t find where to even start. He wants to tell you that he loves you, that he’s sorry for leaving you and for giving up when he should’ve tried harder.

He doesn’t respond for a little, and you’re worried that your confession may have made him uncomfortable. But, Seungmin has always had a hard time talking to you about how he feels, and you know that. And after all this time, it took you until now to realize that you’ve never really allowed him to speak his mind like you usually would. Normally you’d sit with him until he figured out his words, but you’ve been so wrapped up in your own feelings that you never once gave him the chance to gather his thoughts. Your thoughts are interrupted when you feel his hand touch yours, resting atop of yours as he holds it in his own. You break your eye contact with the snowman in front of you to glance at your hands intertwined with his. You stare at the bracelets that adorned both of your wrists, glad that you made it to where they’d be on the same side whenever you both held hands.

You give him time to speak, to rub your thumb over his hand to assure him, to let him know that you weren’t going anywhere. You feel him relax a bit and he sighs, turning back towards you and for the first time in awhile you’re staring at him again. His eyes are soft, and you can see everything he wants to tell you without him actually having to say it. You reach out to wipe away the tears that spring from the corners of his own eyes, your hand lingering on his face for a moment just to hold it in your hands again.

Seungmin loved you so much, and though he may not be able to fully express his words, he hoped that his actions explained how he felt about you. For all he’s known, it’s always been you, and that's something that’ll never change. Without any more thought he just grabs your face, pulling you towards him as his lips crash into yours.

“I love you.” He says between kisses, “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

You’re taken aback, unable to get any words out from the endless amounts of kisses he’s planting onto your lips and face. You’re not able to keep up with his movements, but you kiss him back as much as you can. After he’s done showering you in kisses, he brings your lips to his for a longer and passionate kiss. You’re able to kiss him easier this way, and for a long time the two of you stay like that, engulfed in one another in a place that felt special for the both of you. The kiss was slow and full of love, like the two of you were trying to get all of your hidden emotions out. All those years of trying to hide how you felt, and those months of being away from him were all poured out as you kissed him. You held him close to you, afraid that he’d slip away from you if you loosened your grip on him.

All those fears and doubts washed away the moment he was in your arms, nights of being alone and wondering if he could ever love someone like you. He was the one to pull away first, breathing heavy as he stared at you. He’s waited so long to do this, and now that he was able to gain the confidence to do it, he didn’t think he could ever stop. He’s loved you for so long, and he wasn’t able to express those feelings for you until now, and on top of that you loved him too.

He was never going to let you go, because as long as you two wore those flimsy little bracelets on each other's wrists then he wasn’t going anywhere.

“You’re such a mess… but that’s why you were made for me.” He breathes out and you can’t help but smile.

“Good you found me when you did, hm?” You hum and he nods, leaning in to press another chaste kiss to your chapped lips. “There’s nobody else I’d want to stick around for, you’re the only person worth fighting for.” He mumbles against your lips.

You held him for a little, and though there were a lot of unspoken words, you still understood everything completely. You were truly home, right with who you should be with.

—

You can’t even remember the last time you’ve been in his house, but you know it’s been ages when the two of you clumsily step inside. When the cold had finally gotten worse you both decided to seek refuge at his place, especially since the two of you were going to be alone for a while. You both don’t waste any chance to let that opportunity slip away, immediately heading up to his room the second you both step inside. You don’t even really have time to take in everything that was nostalgic to you, because the moment the door is shut he’s on you, your body pressed against a wall by the door as he kisses you.

The kiss starts off sweet and gentle, but as time went on it grew more heated and a lot more rough than any of you two intended for it to be. It takes you back to the kiss you shared with him in that small closet, how sloppy and desperate it grew the longer you stayed pressed against his lips. His tongue forces its way into your mouth, and he’s giving you open mouthed kisses as his tongue dances around with yours. Your hands find their way into his head, tangling your fingers in the locks of his hair as you push him closer to you, until your noses are practically smushed into one another and your teeth are knocking into his with each kiss. His hands are wandering around your body, gripping your waist and lowering until he’s reached your ass, grabbing handfuls of it into his hands.

He subtly grinds you against him, and you nearly groan when you feel his hardon brushing against your thigh. You absentmindedly open your legs, angling yourself so that he could grind himself directly into your clit, and you can’t help the moans that escape your mouth when he does. He’s bucking his hips into you, his lips leaving yours to kiss on your neck, leaving a trail of love bites in his wake. To be honest, the two of you have never had sex before, so the thought of it scared you a little. So, you try and find contentment in just grinding yourself onto him until you cum, but you grow frustrated when you know your body craves a lot more than what was given to you. You’re unsure of how to ask him, how to tell him that you want him to fuck you so hard that you forget why you were even so afraid to ask in the first place.

You two were each other's first everything, first friend, first kiss, and now first time. It was surprising that after all these years Seungmin was about to be the one who was going to take your virginity. Your breath hitches when he kisses a sensitive spot on your neck and you whimper, starting to just throw your fears out the window.

“Do–you want to take this to my bed?” He mumbles into your ear, and you let out a breath of relief of knowing you didn’t have to be the first to ask. You nod, and he chuckles at your fast response.

He pulls away from you, your hand in his as he drags you towards his bed. He’s done this a million times before, but now it feels different. The same bed that held all of his past memories with you was about to be used to ruin you, and he honestly couldn’t wait any longer. When the two of you reach his bed, you’re the first to climb onto it, staring up at him with curious doe eyes as he climbs onto it after you. You open your arms to welcome him onto you and he happily accepts the invitation.

You two resume the kiss from before, except it’s a little more slowed down now, but it still holds the same desperation as before. He grins into the kiss, tugging your pants off without anymore hesitation, leaving you in your underwear now. He has a better access to you this way, curious hands making their way down to your clit, and you moan out when they finally attach themselves to where you wanted them . Your hands reclaim their place in his hair and his hands make their way back to your body. He hikes your leg up so that he has a better feel on your thighs, squeezing and massaging them in his hands.

He’s rubbing circles on your clit, swiping his fingers down to your entrance, groaning when he feels the wet patch that stains your underwear. He brings his fingers back up, pressing his fingers down on your clit and pulling away to hear every noise you make when he moves his fingers a little faster.

“Tell me.. How long have you been in love with me?” He murmurs into your ear, slowing his fingers down so that he could hear you through your cries.

“Forever, since – since we were kids-” You admit, because in all honesty you know you might’ve liked him since you were young.

Seungmin snickers at your response, “Silly thing, we were young, how could you have known you were in love with me?” He asks and you huff, was he really looking to go back and forth with you right now?

“I don’t have to be a certain age to know that I wanted you to be mine.” You say, pulling his head up so that he was staring at you. He held a smug grin on his face, giving a barely noticeable slap to your clit as appreciation to your answer.

“Good answer.” He says and you pout when he pulls away from you. You’re about to protest his loss of contact when you notice that he’s undressing himself now.

You sit up to watch as he tosses his shirt over his head, revealing his lean, beautiful body fully to you. You’ve seen him a million times, but seeing him like this makes your head dizzy and your body fill with need. When he hooks his fingers on the waistband of his pants – that’s when you really get excited, as you’ve been dreaming of knowing what he looked like underneath those layers of clothing. Just from grinding on him earlier, you knew he was big, and he definitely doesn’t disappoint when he finally takes everything off.

His cock is long and curvy, a prominent vein runs alongside it. The tip is red and leaking with precum, and you can feel yourself drooling at the sight. He grabs the base of his cock, jerking himself a bit to relieve the ache he had been feeling since he’s dragged you in here, letting out a breathy groan when he does so. When he diverts his attention back to you, he’s pressing you back against the bed, lifting your shirt over your head and unclasping your bra from your body, tossing them who knows where. His fingers tweak and pinch at your nipples, and he leans back down to press himself against you despite the barrier of clothing still in the way. He grinds himself against you, drops of precum staining your already wet underwear as his tip bumps against your clit, poking itself into your desperate hole. You shiver, your eyes nearly rolling back when he runs his length alongside your clit, causing you to buck your hips up every now and again.

His lips are attached to your nipples now, his tongue swirling along them as he sucks harshly. He’s great with his mouth you’ve come to realize, and the pleasure he’s making you feel just from the miniscule of things is insane to you. He pulls away from your nipples with a ‘pop’ and he drags his tongue down until he reaches your clit. You think that he’d remove the underwear by now, but instead he wraps his mouth around your clit and sucks on it through your underwear. You gasp, grabbing and reaching out for whatever you can hold onto while you basically fuck yourself on his tongue, his hands on your hips to keep you in place as you grind into it.

You swear you start to see stars, your hips starting to grow tired, but the way your orgasm builds up its hard to stop yourself from moving. Seungmin doesn’t let you stop either, deciding to help you out by using his hands to grind you against his tongue. Your eyes squeeze shut and you end up pulling harder on his hair without really meaning to, but when your orgasm washes over you, you can’t help but yank at it. He groans when you cum, your underwear was only getting filthier by the second and he loved it. As you try and come down from you high, Seungmin snaked his fingers on the band of your underwear, pulling it down and off of you, tossing it in the void of his room. He pressed his mouth against you, his tongue lapping up the mess you’ve made between your legs.

“A-ah, I’m sensitive-” You whine.

“I know.” Seungmin mumbles between darting his tongue between your folds to collect your cum and massaging it all over your clit.

You were breathless and he hasn’t even fucked you yet, you felt like your entire body was on fire. The noises you make are filthy and lewd as he works his tongue against you, and you’re worried you would’ve gotten too tired before he’s even got the chance to fuck you. You wonder if he’d fuck you anyway, if he’d just put you in any position and make you take it – you hope he does. You’re so lost in your thoughts that you don’t even realize that he’s hovering over you now, face inches away from yours. His face was flushed and he held a lustful gaze as he stared at you, but all of it only made him prettier than ever.

“You wanna know when I knew I loved you?” He asks, his touches soft, a lot more considerate and intimate now as he looks down on you.

You nod, “I do.”

He holds a serene grin on his face, his fingers making delicate touches alongside your thighs as if he were worried that if he were to apply any more pressure you’d break. Your breath hitches as his fingers dance alongside your skin, like they were trying to get used to you, their new home. He was studying each part that made you shiver and whine, every sensitive loving part. You swear you’ve stopped breathing when he traces a finger up your arm, dragging it until it reaches where your bracelet lays. He knows now that you like it when he touches you there, and he’d keep doing it forever just to hear how whiney you get. He keeps going until he hooks a finger underneath your bracelet, his free hand bringing your face back to face him.

“The moment you slipped this over my wrist, I knew you were mine.” He murmurs against your lips, and you can’t help the whine of his name that escapes your mouth as he holds your wrist down, bracelet tangled in his fingers.

“Really, when you think about it, you’ve always been mine, yeah? Ever since I’ve seen you.” He murmurs, and you nod, your bottom lip in your teeth.

He tugs at the bracelet, unlooping his fingers and going to hold your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours as he keeps your wrist held down. Seungmin presses a quick kiss to your lips, lining himself up to your entrance as you bend your knees, spreading your legs further to give him easier access to you. When he pulls away from your face, he searches in your eyes for a sign of discomfort, a sign that maybe you didn’t want to go this far. He knew that this would’ve been a first for the both of you, and he didn’t want to do anything that made you uncomfortable.

But you don’t, you only rub your thumb against his hand, assuring him that everything was okay, that you wanted to be here right now. When you give him your approval, he’s kissing you again, the kiss hungry and desperate, and then he finally pushes himself into you. The stretch makes you cringe away from him at how foreign it felt, and your body tenses up from how weird it felt. It stung a little, and you feel your toes curl at the sensation. He stops the kiss and stills his hips for a moment to allow himself to feel comfortable. To him, you felt amazing, your walls hugging him in ways he wouldn’t have ever imagined. Every rare solo session he’s had to himself has led him up to this, to knowing what you actually felt like wrapped around him. He felt your walls pulsate and clench around him, and he tries his best not to cum on the spot at how good you felt.

“You– feel so fucking good..” He nearly whines into your ear, his hands holding a tight grip on your hips.

Your heart is racing, and right now you just want to keep him here, to just feel him close to you and hold him in your arms. The room is silent besides the pants made by the two of you, and Seungmin could honestly just fall asleep like this if you hadn’t tapped him. He jolts up, staring down at you to confirm what he thinks the tap meant.

“Go on – if I’m yours, please make me feel like it.” You say, your tone sultry and soft like velvet.

Seungmin nearly burst at your words, but he quickly composes himself, planting his hands on the sides of you as he begins to thrust into you. You find purchase in the crook of his neck, soft moans and curse words falling from your lips as he gradually speeds up his pace. The bed was practically rocking from his thrusts and the room was quickly filled with the lewd wet sounds made by your cunt, added with the loud skin-slapping the two of you produced. For it to be his first time, he was fucking you into his mattress like he had something to prove, and practically he did. He was making up for all of the times he’s let you go on without telling you how much he’s loved you, for letting you sleep next to him without planting kisses on your face. This was for all the times he’s stopped himself from telling you how beautiful you were at times, how you made his heart race and his pants tight. He’s pouring all of his love into you, and he’s doing it in the best way possible.

His length kisses your g spot and it feels heavenly. Drool adorns the side of your mouth as the kiss between you two is finally broken, and when you get a good look at his fucked out face you can’t help but moan.

“Want to cum with you, can you do that for me?” He pants into your ear, and you frantically nod, grinding your hips up to meet each of his thrusts.

“I love you– I love you so fucking much, you don’t even know” He groans, his thrusts becoming sloppy and uncoordinated as he began to chase his own high, the knot in your stomach building each time he fucks into you.

“I love you so much Seungmin, Always– always knew you were meant for me, always have been yours,” You moan back, your eyes squeezing shut as your head gets pushed further into the headboard of his bed.

With a final thrust, he’s cumming deep inside of you, his hips slamming into you as he empties every last drop of himself into your cunt. In return, you cum around him, your walls squeezing and keeping him close to you as you do so. The feeling is so strong you start to see specks of white when you squeeze your eyes shut and you've drawn blood when you scratched him a few moments ago. The two of you stay like that for a moment, panting and trying to come down from each other's highs. You feel like you’re floating and you feel at peace once you do calm down. Seungmin doesn’t pull out of you, instead he just flops on top of you, and you wrap your arms tight around him as you hold him close to you.

You both stay like that, finding home in each other's embrace once again.

—

It’s been a few weeks since the two of you have decided to make things official, and in that timeframe you’ve both decided to reignite the flames of your childhood before the two of you were off for college again.

The time spent was nice and refreshing, and though you’ve been away for some time, you can still never get over the feeling that doing fun things with him brings you. You feel younger again, like you’re still that version of your child self running around and doing things until the sun sets. Nothing ever really changed, and for that you’re so grateful to be able to do the things you loved to do since you were a child.

In those past weeks, no stone was unturned and no place was unvisited, and you feel alive again. You’re happy because though you’re home, your real home was right beside you the whole way and you were never going to lose him again. When the holidays came around, you spent the entire day hanging out at your house and his, and when the day was over you two were back at it again. Though it was tiring, nothing could ever make you hate feeling this way again, you’d do it for years if you could.

When the time came for the two of you to go back off to college, Seungmin decided to surprise you with a trip to the field you both discovered years ago, the one with the lush grass and soothing atmosphere. It was night time and it was a little chilly out due to the fact that it was still winter time, and the snow was long gone by now, but the ground was still cold to the touch. Still, despite the weather, you both laid out in the grass and stared out into the starry night sky. Your hand was in his and you listened as he told you his plans when you two were back in the city. You close your eyes and allow the cool night breeze to pass your face, and you huddle closer to Seungmin when it grows a little too cold.

No matter how long you’ve been away, this field will always be special to you. It will always hold those special memories with Seungmin that you’ll always keep with you. It will always hold your laughter, your tears and now it will hold kisses stolen between the two of you. You hope that you’ll always have this field, even when you grow old and you’re no longer here anymore. Maybe this field would be the home for someone else, a place for another pair of people to plant new memories on while yours get carried away gently by the wind. Until that does come, you’ll come running back to this field with Seungmin for as long as time allows. You’ll continue to fill this field with memories and dreams until you no longer can anymore, and you hope that the next couple will come and fill this field with the same love that you had.

You’ll always love this place, and no matter how far you are you’ll always come running back to it.

When you get too lost in your thoughts, Seungmin gently pulls you out of them by tapping you on your shoulder to which you respond with a jolt.

“Sorry, I wanted to make sure you were alright.” He says and you nod, a sheepish grin on your face when you realized you lost wind of what he was telling you ages ago.

“Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking.” You admit, and he sits up, prompting you to do the same. You notice a concerned look on his face and you immediately wave it off. “Oh! No, it wasn’t anything horrible. I promise.” You assure, and you see waves of relief wash over him.

He brings your hand up to his, kissing it gently, “What were you thinking of?”

You grin, “You.”

A light blush takes over his face, and for a moment he’s a little flustered. “What about mee?” He asks, momentarily tickling you in hopes you’d tell him. You thrash around in a fit of giggles, “I’ll tell you! I’ll tell you! Just stop!” You plead, and he stops once he hears that you’ll tell him.

“I just… I just wanted to say thank you.” You begin, and he tilts his head in slight confusion. “Thank me?”

You nod, “Thank you for being there for me, for helping me grow and for not letting go of me.” You say and he falls silent, his face a little more red now.

“You’ve made me feel so loved from growing up until now, and I don’t think I can thank you enough. With each day passing, I know for sure you’re the one I want to spend my entire life with, no doubt.”

Seungmin’s at a loss for words, unable to find any words to say. You chuckle and plant a kiss on his cheek, giving him a sweet smile. To let him know that you knew exactly what he wanted to say, even if he couldn’t find the words for it.

“Thank you for being my home, for loving me, and for showing me what it means to really be alive.”

With that, you press a kiss to his lips, and he accepts it without hesitation. The kiss is sweet and full of pure love, and it’s easy to get lost in him when it’s like this. When you pull away you stare into his eyes, and they hold the same shine as the stars do when you look at him.

Love is scary, and uncertain, but one thing you do know for certain is that you love him, and you’re going to love him forever.

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oneofhismanyclouds · 1 month

Text

Had me bawling my eyes out 😭🙏 I LOVE THIS

No Contact

Pairing: Bang Chan x Reader

Word Count: 7.6k

Tags: ANGST with a happy ending, amnesia, memory loss, grief, pining, yearning, hurt/comfort

Summary: It was one of the worst car accidents the city has seen. You weren't supposed to be in that car, but you were. When you lose your memories from the incident, Chan is ordered to stay away for your recovery's sake; but it takes a larger toll on him than anyone could have imagined. Until one day, he just can't take it anymore.

A/N: inspired by this post. Angst ahoy <3 I had too much fun writing this. Maybe I like writing emotions. Enjoy <3

—————————————————————

No contact. That’s what Chan was told was best for you. That’s what was going to help your healing process.

No contact whatsoever. No texts, no calls, no little surprise visits. No fucking contact. None.

He was told it would just hurt you if he talked to you— that he would just make it worse. That you would only become more confused and upset. It would be absolutely detrimental for him to see you.

Hell, it might even make you worse.

It’s killing Chan slowly. Every single day feels like torture for him. The days get exponentially worse. He feels like a hollow shell of his former self, like the wind goes through him when he steps foot outside. It feels like his shoulders are permanently sagged forward.

But the worst part is that you don’t even know it. You don’t know how he’s collapsing inwards like a dying star.

It was one of the worst car accidents the city has seen in years. A friend was driving you home that night; Chan had begged to be the one to pick you up, but no, you said it was fine, the friend was heading that way anyway. Why make the unnecessary trip?

You told him he needed sleep. Always putting his needs before your own. You always did.

He should’ve put up more of a fuss. He should’ve put his foot down. He should’ve already been outside the house in his car with the passenger seat warmer on by the time you left that stupid party.

He should’ve gotten out of the car and opened the door for you and had a cold bottle of water waiting in the cup holder. He should’ve kissed you on the cheek and asked you all about your time. He should have been there.

But he wasn’t.

A drunk driver slammed into the passenger side of your friend’s car at a speed that you shouldn’t have even survived.

Miracles do happen, though. But what a price to pay for a miracle.

For as long as he lives, Chan will never forget the sheer panic and terror he felt when the call came in from your mother. You were already at the hospital undergoing emergency surgery.

He was the last to know.

After all, he wasn’t your emergency contact. He’s only your boyfriend.

Was. Was your boyfriend. Was? Is that the right word? He isn’t. But he is. There was no breakup.

Is that what he’s going through right now? A breakup?

You’re not on a break. But what is this? What is this loss? This severance is so horrible.

It’s fucked up. It’s a fucked up, amnesia induced breakup.

Memory loss is a funny thing. Doctors scratch their heads and shrug their shoulders without any answers. The brain is a tricky thing.

Chan did what he was allowed to in that hospital. He sat in that stark white room under those harsh LED lights and he waited until you were awake. He even waited much longer after that because only two visitors were permitted inside your room at a time— and he wasn’t about to force his way in and kick one of your parents out.

He let your sister go in first. He even let your cousin go in before him. But when it was finally his turn…

He never got to see you.

“The last five years?” Chan asked with a tight throat. Did he even have any more tears left to cry? How is there any liquid left in his body?

“She says doesn’t remember anything, Chan.” Your mother’s voice was just as hollow as his. “She was asking about her freshman roommate.”

A doctor stood in between him and your mom. “It’s best if we don’t throw everything at her at once. Amnesia victims rarely never get their memories back, but we’ve found that it needs to happen organically. Seeing her will overwhelm her and that could stunt the healing process.”

Chan’s mouth opened and closed several times but no words came out at all. His heart may have stopped.

Does that mean…?

No…

“He can’t see her at all?” Your mother asked quietly. “Not even to visit? He doesn’t have to mention he’s her boyfriend, he can just say that he’s a friend, or a coworker, or—“

The doctor cut her off. “No contact. Not until we’re a bit through recovery and she’s starting to get her memories back.”

Chan was suddenly in a chair.

When did he sit down? The Doctor’s hands were on his shoulders and he was looking down at him with a sympathetic stare.

“It’s not forever, son.”

Chan was only able to nod. His mouth was so dry, the back of his neck felt clammy. His head was spinning.

Books often speak of moments as ‘Earth-shattering’. Of moments so catastrophic that the planet stops spinning on its axis and time stands still.

He gets it now.

The doctor spoke a few more words to your mother before walking away. She looked down at Chan sadly.

Your mother sat on the chair next to him and wrapped him up in a hug. His world was falling apart around him. You were slipping through his fingers. He couldn’t even see you.

Hot tears poured down his face while he sat there with his head in his hands. Why does it feel like he’s losing you? Why is this the only way? Why are these the cards that are being dealt?

Why didn’t he pick you up from that fucking party?

“She loves you, Chan… she’ll come to her senses, I promise, I promise.”

It’s been two months, one week, two days and eight hours since he’s talked to you. That long since he’s known peace. Since he’s known any sort of comfort.

You’re the last thing he thinks about before he closes his eyes at night and the first thing he thinks about in the morning. No matter how many times he wakes up and feels the cold bed next to him, it never dulls the ache in his chest.

It’s not a healthy mindset, he knows. And it’s not that you were codependent on one another, that’s not it at all. You were just… ripped away from him.

Food has no taste. The sky isn’t as blue as it used to be. Clouds don’t make fun shapes like they did with you by his side. The stars are still in the sky, he thinks, he hasn’t had the guts to look at them.

God, you love the stars so much. You always talked about how pretty they are— how absolutely breath-taking you think the universe is. Chan would simply listen, he would always listen. All he ever wanted to do was listen.

How is he supposed to look at anything the same way? How is any day supposed to be normal when half of his life is suddenly missing. What’s the point of making music if you’re not there to listen to it?

5:00 PM is the hardest hour to get through. You don’t open the door to his apartment when you get off work. You don’t tell him about the things that happened during your shift.

He can’t leave little snacks out on the counter for you to eat when you get home like he used to.

Mice would get to it before you did.

His lonely apartment is slowly losing your smell. He could spray your perfume, sure, you keep a bottle at his place, but it’s not the same. You somehow made the scent sweeter by letting it linger on your skin.

All of your old toiletries are still there where you left them. Your spare toothbrush has been bone dry and untouched since 9:28 AM that morning. Your shampoo bottles are still half full and waiting for you on your shower shelf.

It had rained a few days before your accident. You had started a puzzle on his dining room table that day– you told him it was the perfect rainy day activity. It was a picture of different comic book covers. It’s now collecting dust. Unmoved and unsolved.

Just like him.

It was a battle and a half to throw away your leftovers from two nights before your car accident. He felt like he was throwing away your normal life, your tiny domestic traces.

He didn’t want to cleanse you from his life, but you were washing away. Your ghost was eroding with time.

Your spare car keys are still hanging on the key ring. Your rain coat is on the third hook draped right over your work bag. Even your phone charger is still plugged into the wall on your side of the bed.

Did you know you forgot to put your favorite gold earrings on that night? You left them on the nightstand. They’re still there, don’t worry. Right next to the glass of water you drank half of.

Do you even remember them…? He got them for you for your first Christmas together.

There are so many signs of a life interrupted integrated so deeply into his.

You’re a clock whose hands stopped suddenly at 1:24 AM.

This sort of haunting is unbearable. You’re not a phantom in his life, though. You’re something so unattainable that he had once but it was taken away with empty promises of return.

It’s like you’re a shiny diamond hidden away beneath lasers and traps like in those stupid, cheesy spy movies you love so much.

Do you know what he would give to watch one of those with you in his arms right now?

Chan feels like he’s banging on the glass of a one sided window, screaming for you to remember him. Meanwhile you’re on the other side only staring into a mirror, trying to pick up the pieces from before.

Your mom sends him updates on your condition all the time. He knows that you started working at the local library about three weeks ago.

You had worked there in college before graduating and getting your last job. It was one of your favorite jobs you ever had. That library was so special to you.

To him too.

It’s the library where he first met you.

The same library Chan finds himself in front of now.

He shouldn’t go in. He can’t go in. He absolutely should not go inside.

Bang Chan you should not and cannot go inside this library. Under no circumstances should you step foot inside this building where your other half is working.

Absolutely not.

The door emits a soft ding when he opens it. Electronic. Quiet. Peaceful.

There’s a certain type of silence that sits in a library. It’s closer, thicker— warmer. It’s an expected silence. They’re supposed to be quiet.

Chan can hear his sneakers take every step on the carpeted floor. There’s no one sitting behind the front desk; that’s where you usually were.

His eyes look all around, but there’s no sign of you anywhere. A few people toddle around the shelves.

There’s more soft beeping coming from the self checkout. That’s new. They didn’t have that when you worked here years ago. You probably hate it.

On the day he met you, you were wearing a pair of dark green pants and a black long sleeve shirt. Your hair was clipped behind your head and pieces were falling over your face.

Chan was only in the library to look for the bathroom. He was on his way to lunch with a friend, but he just had to stop somewhere. The library was the closest option.

When he had heard the sound of books falling, he investigated and found you in the center of the carnage, the glasses on your nose sat crookedly and you rubbed your head.

Your eyes met. He was a goner.

How disgustingly poetic that he finds himself here now. Where he really shouldn’t be. He was quite literally prescribed a restraining order against you.

Chan meanders around with his hands in his pockets, the silence getting louder and louder the further he gets inside.

Maybe you’re not working today?

No one is anywhere to be seen. He’s checking down all the aisles but he doesn’t see you anywhere.

Maybe it’s for the best that you’re not here. He’s not supposed to see you anyway. He’s breaking the doctor’s rules by doing this anyway.

He needs to leave. He needs to get out of here.

His feet stop in front of the very aisle where he saw you for the first time.

Empty.

You-less.

If he thinks hard enough, Chan can picture you in front of him, laughing quietly with the most adorable, embarrassed blush on your cheeks.

What a moment.

Is it possible to spend eternity in that moment? Obviously internal clocks can be rewound, paused, flipped every which way; can he go back to that day? Can he go back to the day where every single poem suddenly made sense?

He would take any day, really, any day that had you in it. Birthdays, holidays, late night dates, Hell, he’d even take a day where he only saw you when you dropped off a drink for him in his studio.

Anything, he would take anything just to see your smile bloom on your face while he watches.

“Can I help you find something?”

His breath catches in his throat, it feels like he’s physically punched in the chest. That voice. That beautiful, melodic voice. He hasn’t heard it in person in months, only in videos he had on his phone.

Slowly, Chan turns to face the source of his favorite pitch.

His throat immediately tightens.

There you are. You. Beautiful you.

Standing right there. Looking at him like a complete fucking stranger.

“I…” his voice is hoarse. Chan can feel the tears in his eyes begin to form. He didn’t think this through, did he?

You’re staring at him expectantly, waiting for him to say anything. You’re waiting, come on, Chan. Speak up. Say something.

Looking up at the shelf, you look back down at him with a smile. “A history guy, hm?”

No.

“Yeah.”

You giggle. “I always had a thing for History.”

He knows.

“Really?”

“Mhmm.” You respond with a grin.

Specifically Ancient Rome. He knows.

You continue. “Specifically Ancient Rome.”

Chan nods and clears his throat. His palms feel so sweaty. His chest is almost panting. Every single cell in his body just wants to lunge forward and wrap you in a hug.

He wants to bury his face in your neck and sob while you hold him. He wants to tell you that he missed you so much. He wants to tell you how your pillow is losing the scent of your shampoo. He wants to tell you that he’s been DVR-ing your favorite show so that you can watch it later. He wants to tell you about his day. He wants to kiss you until you’re breathless. He wants you to hear the new song he’s been working on.

But—

“If you need anything, let me know.”

You start to walk away.

Chan feels his heart physically break. It’s happening again. He’s on the other side of that one way mirror. It’s happening again! No, no please.

His eyes widen, the words get caught in his throat. Fuck, Y/N, please!

“W-Wait!” he says quickly.

You turn around with a curious look.

“The Odyssey,” he blurts. “Where uh… where can I find it?”

Your eyes light up. “Oh, I love The Odyssey.”

He knows. You collect different translations of it.

“I collect different translations of that book, here I’ll show you where it is.”

With a little hop in your step you lead him towards all the classics.

He watches you like you’re an oasis in the desert— maybe it’s because you are. You’re what he’s been crawling towards for two months.

You lead him all the way to the shelf where the Odyssey lives. Your nimble fingers reach forward and grab one of the copies.

Green nail polish. You still paint your nails green. You picked that habit up a year after he met you.

The memories have to be there, Y/N, they have to be. Chan bought you that first bottle of green nail polish as a joke on Saint Patrick’s Day.

Y/N, please.

“This translation is my favorite,” you whisper and hand him the book.

Chan smiles sadly and takes the book from you, unable to meet your eyes. He knows if he gazes into those gorgeous eyes that he’ll lose it. He’ll fall to his knees and cry.

“Thank you,” he whispers back.

You stand there for a moment, he can feel your eyes on his face. He always has been able to tell when you were looking at him, it’s a little, secret superpower.

From foot to foot, your weight shifts.

You only do that when you’re confused. Why are you confused? Y/N, are you confused?

“I’m sorry…” you start, sounding so unsure. “You remind me of someone…”

It feels like a defibrillator was hooked up to his chest. Chan’s eyes widen and he finally looks up at you.

You’re looking at him so carefully. He can see the gears turning in your head. Your tongue pokes out of your lips and wets them.

Y/N, please.

“I just… I can’t figure out who. Do I… do I know you? I was—” You stop yourself.

Fuck. Fuck! What was he supposed to say? Fuck!

Chan wants to scream. He wants to grab you by the shoulders and cry that he’s your soulmate, that he’s the person that knows you better than anyone else in this world.

Yes, you do, you do know him. And he knows you. He knows how you take your coffee, what movies make you cry, what color jell-o is your favorite.

He knows that you never wear matching socks and you always lift your feet when driving over railroad tracks.

He knows that when you were 6 you ran into the corner of a cabinet and that’s how you got that scar next to your eyebrow.

Chan knows that your entire life you wanted to be an author but you’re so scared of failure that you decided not to chase after it.

He knows everything.

“I just have one of those faces, I guess.” It comes out of his mouth so strained.

You stare back at him so carefully. Do you see right through him?

“Maybe,” you say slowly. You don’t believe him. He knows that tone. You absolutely do not believe a word he’s saying. “Are you sure?”

Chan swallows, he grips the book in his hand tighter. The lump in his throat almost doesn’t go down, more tears prick at his eyes.

“I would never forget a face like yours,” he chokes out.

Your eyes widen and you blush, looking to the side with a smile. You always were a sucker for cheesy compliments.

After thinking for a second, you reach into your pocket and take out a little slip of paper.

“Here,” you say after scribbling something down. Holding it out, Chan sees it’s your phone number. He has it memorized. “If you ever need more books to read… or find… call me.”

Chan takes the paper with a racing heart. He gives you a smile, his dimples showing. “I think I will,” he whispers to you.

Another few moments pass of you just staring at him before you nod and giggle nervously. “Well, I gotta get back to work, so..”

Chan nods and moves to the side. You walk past him.

Your perfume curls around him like a blanket and he craves that sweet serenity he finds when he holds you close and breathes you in.

Three steps after you pass him, you turn around. “Oh, I didn’t catch your name.”.

“Chan,” he answers softly.

“Chan,” you repeat. It goes right through him.

Your voice. Your sweet, beautiful, melodic voice. Finally, he heard you say his name again.

“I’m Y/N,” you whisper to him with a friendly smile.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N.” Chan has to physically force the word ‘meet’ out of his mouth.

“You too, Chan.”

And with that, you were gone, retreating back into your fortress of papyrus.

—————————————————————

A bad idea was going into the library that day.

An even worse idea was texting you the day after to ask how your day is going.

And then an absolutely fucking idiotic move was asking if you wanted to go to dinner with him.

And the worst part? You said yes.

So, now here Chan was, standing in front of the mirror in his bedroom getting ready for what you thought was a first date, but to him was just a dinner date.

How is he supposed to do this? He’s not, that’s how.

Chan fiddles with his bracelet right before his phone rings.

His heart drops when he sees the caller ID, your mother.

“Ah, fuck…” he whispers before grabbing his phone. Of course you were going to tell your mom, you tell your mom everything.

“Hello?” he asks warily into the phone.

“Hi, Chan,” she says slowly, she sounds nervous, why does she sound nervous.

“How are you? Is everything okay?”

“It’s Y/N…” Her voice lowers. Chan’s heart drops. “Before you panic, she’s okay! It’s um.. she’s getting ready right now… for a date…”

Chan isn’t moving. Yes, he knows you are. He knows it. But words won’t form in his mouth.

“Channie.. I’m starting to wonder if that doctor isn’t right.. I can’t stand the thought of her finding someone else when you’re waiting for her… I tried to talk her out of it but she just seems so floaty and happy. God, I feel sick to my stomach.”

His jaw clenches. Now or never.

“It’s with me,” he blurts.

Your mom goes silent. Then a huge sigh comes out of her mouth.

“I wish I could say I’m angry,” a little laugh follows it. “I think I’m only angry that you didn’t say something.”

He tells her everything, down to the way he pretended not to know you.

“Well, you’re going to have to tell her eventually.” Your mom sounds unsure, herself.

“Or maybe she’ll remember me.”

“What if she doesn’t?”

Chan sits down on the edge of his bed. His eyes are staring at the wall, unfocused.

She’s right. What if you don’t?

“Then, I’ll just … do it all again.”

Silence greets him on the other side of the line. Another tiny laugh comes from your mom. “I always knew you two were perfect together. Just like two magnets, you always come towards one another.”

—————————————————————

“I’ve never eaten here before,” you say with a chipper smile on your face from across the table.

Yes, you have.

“Really?” Chan asks, taking a sip of his water.

“I pass it all the time and always wondered how the food was.”

He looks back down at the old menu.

This restaurant was more than special to him. It’s where he took you on your first date. It’s an old fashioned burger joint with the greasiest, most delicious French fries in town.

The first time you guys came here, you talked and talked until the place closed. And even after that, you drove around and talked until it was late.

“I’ve been here a few times, it’s really good. The milkshakes are some of the best I’ve ever had.” Chan’s sweaty hands fiddle with the menu.

He’s more nervous now than on the first date.

“What’s the best one?” you ask with a smile.

A small laugh comes out of his nose. “The peanut butter one.”

It was your favorite.

“Yeah but then you can’t have any,” you say so nonchalantly, looking down at the menu.

His eyebrows knit together. “What?”

“‘Cause of your allergy.”

He stops.

You stop.

He has a peanut allergy. Chan has a peanut allergy.

His lips purse like he’s going to say something but you beat him to the punch.

“I’m sorry,” you blurt out. “I… I don’t know why I thought that.” Your hands grip the menu a little tighter. “Maybe I’m thinking of someone else?”

Chan shakes his head. “No, no, it’s okay. I… I do have a peanut allergy. Maybe I said something before?”

You stare at him for a long second before looking back down at the menu once more. “Yeah… um. Maybe.”

He definitely did not say something.

Dinner continues on. Chan listens to you talk and pretends he’s never heard your stories before and he tells you ones he knows he’s said before.

The entire time, you were beaming at him, just like you used to before the accident. Your face never loses its constant happy glow. He’s not sure that the muscles in your face know how to frown.

You’re the last two people in the restaurant. The staff doesn’t seem to mind. Maybe they recognize you both. Maybe.

A lull dips into your conversation. Both of you know you should leave. Neither wants to. Especially the broken man sitting across from you.

Chan takes the last sip of his drink. The bill has been paid for about an hour at this point. You’re looking down at your lap with a pink flush on your cheeks.

You bite your lip and look up at Chan carefully.

“Are you… are you sure I don’t know you, Chan?”

He stares at you. Did you know that you always bite your lip like that when you’re confused?

“I just… I really feel like I know you. There’s just…” you pause, trying to find your words. He knows you want to tell him about the accident. He knows you want to say it but you don’t want to weird him out.

What the fuck is he supposed to do? What is he supposed to tell you?

“Something happened to me a little while ago, my brain’s been… fuzzy since then,” you explain shyly. “I know you said you don’t know me but I just… I can’t help feel like that’s not true.”

Chan’s jaw clenches, his knee bounces anxiously underneath the table. His head turns to the side in his typical nervous tick.

Your mother’s words echo in his mind, his tongue suddenly feels like it’s swelling to the size of his mouth— making him unable to speak. Should he tell you? Is it now or never?

“I don’t mean to make it weird, Chan.”

He licks his lips and opens his mouth.

Your phone rings.

A sigh of relief comes from deep within Chan’s chest.

Reluctantly, you pick up the phone and hold it to your ear. “Hello? …. No, I didn’t know…. Yeah, of course…. Sure… Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

Just as quickly as you answered the phone, you hang up.

“Sorry,” you mumble. “Someone called out of work for tomorrow, they need me to come in.”

“Do you need to get going?” Chan asks, looking down at the time. It’s well past 10 o’clock.

A sad smile crosses your face. “I mean… probably.” The time on your watch flashes back at you. He can tell you don’t want to go home yet.

“Come on, Y/N, I’ll walk you home.”

Chan’s already standing up from the table, picking his jacket up off the back of his chair. You watch his movements and slowly get up, your movements screaming reluctance.

—————————————————————

It’s three dates later when the two of you are walking down the street towards your house. It’s only a few blocks from here, but you both decide to take a tiny detour through the local park.

“I have to say I’m a little excited to meet your friends,” you giggle. “I hope that’s not weird.”

You already have.

“It’s not weird at all. I’m sure they’d like you.” Chan nudges your arm with his elbow, his hands staying in his pocket.

“Changbin sounds like a blast.”

He was your favorite before.

“The two of you…” Chan thinks over his words carefully. “The two of you would definitely cause some mischief.”

And you have.

A tiny lull of comfortable silence falls over the conversation.

Both of you meander towards the swings. A cold wind blows through the air but neither of you react to it.

With a tiny giggle, you sit down on one of the swings and hold onto the chains on the side.

You are just so… you. You’re just your authentic self. Amnesia or not, you haven’t changed a bit. It’s so charming.

“I can’t remember the last time I went on the swings.” You start to move your body back and forth, not too much but enough to get the tiny thrill the toy brings.

Chan walks up and stands next to you, his hand coming out and grabbing at the chain of the swing next to yours.

The brightest smile stretches over your face.

God, it really doesn’t take a lot to make you smile, does it? He guesses that means it doesn’t take a lot for him either since he smiles when you do.

He can’t help it.

He watches you move back and forth, the cold breeze kicking up a bit more and blowing dead leaves across the sidewalk.

“What’s wrong, Chan? Allergic to swings?” you tease.

He rolls his eyes with a smirk. “No, I just far more enjoy watching you have fun.”

Your cheeks flush. If he didn’t know you, maybe he would’ve chocked it up to the cold. But he knows the difference between your blush and the elements now.

“You’re a smooth talker, Bang Chan.”

“It comes easy with you, Y/N L/N.”

Another laugh from you.

“Shameless flirt.”

He puts his hand on his chest in mock hurt. “Ouch! I just speak the truth, that’s all. Not my fault I like seeing you blush.”

Every word that comes out of his mouth feels so natural. If he really thinks about it, he’s in a weirdly unique situation. Not many couples get to start over, to feel those butterflies again. But here he is, his palms starting to get sweaty as he imagines kissing you.

Would you call it a first kiss? Maybe.

It has been four dates. It wouldn’t be.. inappropriate to kiss you, would it? The two of you kissed on your third date a few years ago.

He wants to kiss you so bad.

Should he? Shouldn’t he? God, why is this so hard?

Chan reaches out and grabs the chain of your swing, pulling it to a very gentle stop.

“Uh oh, fun police,” you tease and look up at him with a grin.

Looking down at you, Chan allows his eyes to look over every detail of your face that he already had memorized. You haven’t changed at all except the new scar on the side of your forehead from the accident.

It’s the same eyes, same nose, same chin that he fell in love with so long ago.

The same asymmetrical eyes that you’re so self conscious of but he loves. Your hair is wind blown and splayed every which way. It adds a childish charm to your features.

Very carefully, Chan moves his free hand down to cup your cheek. His warm palm soothes your ice cold face. He hears your breath catch in your throat at his touch.

His thumb swipes over your cheek, fingertips run down the soft lines of your jawline. Eventually his thumb ends up under your chin which he tilts up.

Your eyes sparkle. They somehow capture the light of the lamps around the playground. But they’ve always done that.

You’re always so enchanting.

Is this a good idea?

Is kissing you the best option?

But does he even have the strength to stop himself now?

Almost three months without feeling your lips on his has been torture, and here he is, with you in his hands and there’s still this nagging feeling that he should stop.

One look into your eyes quells that anxiety.

Your eyes keep flickering down to his own lips, the shaky breath you let out is hot against his fingers. Everything feels warmer compared to the air outside.

He can’t take it anymore.

Chan leans down and presses his lips to yours. They’re warm and slightly chapped.

But, my god, he’s never felt anything this heavenly before. It’s like his entire body unwinds. Like a fire was lit inside his stomach.

He moves his hand to the back of your head and keeps your lips pressed against his. Your head tilts to the side slightly. It’s just like he remembers.

It’s just the first kiss, he can’t let himself get carried away. He can’t.

He can’t let his fingers wind through your hair. He can’t melt into your touch on his cheek. He can’t let himself drown in your lips.

But he is.

He’s letting you consume his very soul in one kiss.

How can something feel so healing yet hurt so badly at the same time? It’s like you’re ripping open a wound and bandaging it at the same time.

No matter how hard he tries, he can’t bring his lips away from yours. Your hand slides down to caress his jawline with those soft, manicured fingers.

Your lips open and close over his like mirror images. The feeling shoots straight down into Chan’s gut. It’s like the first time for him all over again.

Those butterflies are going insane in his stomach. Your scent kicks up in the wind and he can’t help but take a large breath through his nose.

God, he can’t stop himself. It feels too good.

His hand moves from the back of your hair to cup your cheek and bring you closer.

He immediately stops.

Why is your face wet?

Chan pulls away from the kiss and looks down at you with concern written all over his expression.

You’re crying. Why … why are you crying?

Your eyes open and you look at him confused.

“Chan?” you whisper. You’re confused too. What?

“Why are you crying, Y/N?” he asks with a thick voice.

Your eyes widen and your own hand comes up to swipe at your cheeks. Sure enough, you’re met with tears.

“I… I don’t know,” you say so quietly. “I-I’m not sure.”

Chan starts backing away, your eyes snap to focus on his. Your hand shoots up to grab at his to keep him there. You’re still so confused.

Emotions are flying through your eyes. It almost looks like someone is clicking a light switch on and off in the back of your mind. A lightbulb is flickering in your soul like a dying neon sign in an old shop window.

Every muscle in your face is twitching.

What’s happening?

“Channie—“ your own voice cuts off by a sob.

Chan’s heart jumpstarts. You haven’t called him that… not in two months… that’s what you and your mother called him before the accident.

Are you…? Are you remembering? What’s happening?

Please.

Slowly, your hand falls from his.

Chan stays there, unmoving like a statue. What’s happening inside your mind right now? It looks like you’re reaching and reaching for something that you can’t quite put your finger on.

He's watching you struggle. It’s like when you can’t remember a word. It’s right there. It’s on the tip of your tongue.

You gulp, your eyes leave his and you look down at your lap. The dirt crunches under your feet as you shuffle your shoes around.

Chan swipes his thumb over your cheek, brushing away the tears. He’s biting back his own.

“It’s okay—“ “I’m sorry—“ are both said at the exact same time.

He knew it was coming. He knows you. But you don’t know him. Not anymore.

But you do.

“It wasn’t the kiss. I—“

“It’s okay, Y/N.”

You know him.

“Chan, I really loved the kiss.”

Chan. Not Channie.

He brushes his thumb over your lips. “It’s okay,” he repeats gently. “You don’t have to explain.”

His other hand comes up and tucks a loose strand of hair behind your ear. Your eyes slide shut at the sensation.

Your bottom lip quivers and you pull it into your mouth and bite it. With a tight swallow, your throat bobs.

“It happens sometimes,” you whisper. “It’s from the accident I had.”

Chan continues to soothingly rub your skin with his thumb. Slowly, he kneels down to be in front of you rather than leaning over.

The dirt is cold on his knee. It seeps through the fabric of his pants. He couldn’t care less.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” he whispers back to you.

You shake your head gently, your hands folding in your lap. “No, no. I… I want to tell you. I need to tell you. It’s been happening more and more whenever I’m around you. It’s like every touch, every word you say bounces around my brain and makes me feel the worst case of deja vu.

“Every time I’m with you I feel like I’m trying to recall a dream I had last night but I just can’t remember what it was.”

You’re rambling. You only ramble when you’re overwhelmed and scared.

“Chan, every time I’m with you it feels like some part of me is screaming to be let out.”

Your eyes open and you stare right through him. Chan feels his heart squeeze and almost stop completely. Despite your best efforts, the tears keep coming.

“I was in a car accident a few months ago. I had such a severe concussion that I lost the last five years of my memory.”

How is your voice so even?

Chan’s jaw clenches. Fuck fuck fuck.

He knows. Yes, Y/N. He knows. Fuck, does he know! If anyone fucking knows, it’s him.

“I—“ he starts but you cut him off.

“Please,” you choke out and take a deep breath. “And since then I’ve been getting bits and pieces of my memory back. Sometimes they’re in large chunks, other times they just … come back.

“When I try to think about my life before the accident. There’s this… person there. Someone important. Someone so, so important that it physically hurts me to think about how I don’t know who it is. They’re a constant. And I love that they’re a constant.”

Your hand comes up to clutch at your jacket right over your chest.

More tears come out of your eyes. The whites get more pink the more they flow.

“But I know them. I do! I know them like I know the back of my hand. I-I know they love music. I know they take milk and sugar in their morning coffee. I know they don’t get enough sleep at night.”

Louder and louder your voice gets as you grow sadder and sadder. The sobs between thoughts wrack your chest.

Him. You’re talking about him.

Chan’s hands hold your face gently. His thumbs can’t keep up with how much you’re crying.

Nothing has ever hurt this bad.

You know him. You just don’t know it’s him.

Nevertheless, you continue. “I remember that they have the most obnoxious phone alarm in the morning. I remember the passcode to their phone is 032518. I know that they have this one black sweatshirt that I love to steal even though it’s their favorite.”

Chan’s own eyes begin watering, he can’t stop it. You know him. You know him. You’ve remembered him this whole time and you didn’t even know it.

You reach up and grab one of his hands and place it on your heart. Underneath your jacket, he can feel your heartbeat thudding violently against your chest.

That same heartbeat he’s been dying to listen to while you play with his hair and tell him about your day. The heartbeat he would give anything to hear as he falls asleep. His throat gets tighter and tighter.

“I’ve been surrounded by bits and pieces of a ghost and no one wants to help me. No one will tell me anything, and I’m so confused, Chan. I can tell that there’s something that everyone is avoiding telling me.”

A gust of wind picks up through the playground. It nips at his cheeks. It’s now he realizes how many tears are falling.

A sob tears from his throat.

You grip his hand tighter.

“Tell me It’s you, Chan.” You’re begging. You’re actually begging while keeping his hand pressed against your heartbeat.

“Tell me that you’re the person that I see in my dreams. Tell me you’re the one that loves when I draw hearts on the bathroom mirror after I shower. Please tell me that you’re the one that loves the smell of lemon cookies but can’t stand the taste.”

Oh, god, Y/N.

“Tell me that you’re the one that wanted to pick me up from the party that night but I said no.”

He breaks.

He breaks right down in front of you. Every single ounce of self control leaves his body and he grabs you out of the swing, yanking you towards his body and holding you against his chest.The emotions that were being kept at bay came out like a raging storm.

He falls backwards into the dirt, you come crashing into him. Your arms wrap around him at the same time he wraps around you.

Chan buries his face in your neck, one hand on the back of your head and the other firmly around your waist.

Wails leave his mouth as he holds you to him. They’re deep and come from the very depths of his soul. The wound that’s been open for months is bleeding.

Every lonely night. Every dinner where he cooked for two instead of one by accident. Every long day he came back to an empty apartment. It’s all coming out.

You’re crying just as hard as he is, both of your hands gripping the back of his hoodie like a lifeline.

Your body in his arms is like a piece of a puzzle. Like he’s the dusty one sitting on his dining room table and you finally came in and finished it.

Weeks and weeks of grief come crashing down on him. He can’t lie anymore. Not to you. Never to you.

“It is me,” he cries into your neck, his hand running over the back of your head, feeling your hair slip through his fingers. It’s just like he remembers. “It’s all me, Y/N, It’s me.”

Your cries get louder, your body starts shaking in his arms.

“I’ve missed you, Y/N,” he cries harder. “Fuck, I’ve missed you so much. I missed my girl. Oh my god, I’ve missed you.”

Chan can’t pull you close enough, he can’t get you close enough to his body. You shift around and press yourself into him.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry I didn’t pick you up that night. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m so sorry you got hurt.”

Every ounce of grief is surfacing and clawing its way out of his throat.

“I’m sorry I had to lie to you these last two weeks. I’m so sorry, Y/N. I was so broken without you. I broke the doctor’s orders. I needed to see you, Y/N.”

Despite how hard he has you gripped against him, you manage to pull away slightly. You sit up in his lap and look down at his red, tear soaked face. His eyes are puffy and his chest is sputtering with sobs.

Both of your hands cup his cheeks and swipe away the tears the same way he did for you only a small bit ago. There’s a sad smile on your face.

“Please don’t apologize, Channie, it’s okay. I forgive you.”

Channie. You called him Channie.

He cries harder and buries his face into your chest. Your arms immediately come around him and keep him there, fingers threading into his hair.

You’re still crying. Both of you are.

“I know you were just doing what you were told to,” you whisper into his hair. He can hear your voice reverberate in your chest.

All he can do is cry.

Months of build up led to this moment. Endless days of going through the motions just for the next to be as dull and tedious led to him falling into you in the middle of a playground at night.

The only thing you do after that is hold him. You press kisses to the top of his head and whisper that you forgive him over and over.

Each one adds a stitch to the wound, shutting it.

You’re finally in his arms. You’re finally back where you belong.

“I missed you,” he says again, his cries dying down. He doesn't know what else to say. There's so much he wants to tell you, but everything dies on the tip of his tongue.

“I missed you too, Channie. My heart missed you so much.”

He sniffles and looks up at you. You pull your sweatshirt sleeve up and wipe away his stray tears gently.

“Every day it just felt like something was missing. It was you. You were missing.”

Chan can’t find any words to say. He just stares at you.

"I don't care how long it takes to remember, or even if I never do. I need you by my side for it, Chan."

His eyes sparkle at you for a moment but he leans up and captures your lips with his once more. It feels even better than the previous one.

The two of you relish in the contact, holding each other close and clinging to the closeness of it all.

It's taking everything within Chan not to start crying again. He's worried than any moment now, he'll wake up and this will all be some cruel dream.

But when you pull away from his lips, and he opens his eyes-- you're still there. You're still in his arms and smiling at him like you always did.

The burn is soothed.

“If you think about it,” you start with a tiny smile. “We’re lucky— in a way.”

His entire face screws up, even more confused. “Lucky?”

“How many people get to say they fell in love with the same person twice?”

Chan blinks twice before it feels like his entire body thaws.

You and your glass half full attitude. He’ll never fucking get enough of it.

His arms wrap around you again, bringing you down into his chest. You let out a breathy giggle

“You’re never leaving my sight,” he breathes out. “Never again, baby, never.”

“I don’t ever want to, Channie. I never will.”

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oneofhismanyclouds · 1 month

Text

— ENDLESS WINTER. a Christopher Bahng fiction

Christopher Bahng x f. reader

TROPE. Beast! au, Mage! au, enemies to lovers (she wants to kill him), marriage au, angst

WARNINGS. violence, kidnapping, mention of a past war, descriptions of murder, reader is injured, hyunjin is a bit of a pain, hinted minsung (hehe), blood, kissing (dubcon), cursing

WORD COUNT. 12k words

AUG'S NOTES. if there’s ever been a more spontaneous fic in history it would be this… every sentence is write is purely self indulgent…. (genuinely a written version of the stories i make in my head while laying in bed)

SYNOPSIS. As heiress of the Magus, otherwise, Mage Clan, you find your position ripped from your fingertips when the Beast Clan conducts a raid. Left the only survivor, you make it your priory to stay alive in a ravaged Kingdom. That is, before you’re captured.

alternatively :

Starvation becomes the least of your problems when you meet King Bahng.

Hiding in the kitchen’s cupboard was definitely not your intention.

Neither was the Kingdom getting raided by the Beast Clan or being the (presumably) lone survivor in the castle, but fate would have its way, whether you liked it or not — this one just a bit more severe than usual.

Your mother once told you of the Beast Clan, of their ferocity and inability to handle things diplomatically. In her opinion, Beast were barely able to be considered Human.

Well, these words came after the Mage-Beast War; a grueling, disgustingly brutal dispute that caused what was referred to as the “Endless Winter”, a curse put upon the nation by a Magus overseer bidding every day of every year with, well, “endless winter”.

She told you how the ground used to be a wondrous green. Soft beneath your fingertips like feathers. Now, blankets of snow stretched as far as the eye could see, killing off any remaining expanse of foliage.

Although years had passed since then, your Kingdom was still recovering, still navigating importing routes in order to supply necessary goods.

Yet, everything was rapidly adapting, whether that was the snow-shoe rabbits roaming your vast tundra or the unexpected growth of fur on the bottom of the horse’s hooves.

Growing, learning.

Magus, though a lineage of magic practitioners, had begun to dull over the centuries. There was no need to learn with peace eminent, and the more aged those wielding supernatural abilities became, the less said abilities progressed into your generations.

However, Magus is the hearth of your Kingdom, and for as long as you live, the title shall reign supreme.

A title that, used by enemies and allies alike, had modernized from its ancient form Magus, to Mage.

Dinner held in the customary hall began that night, seat upon seat homing each member of the family adorned in their extravagant clothing.

Your father occupied the upmost chair, his plate stacked full of greasy lamb and pork bones. You, on the other hand, had had your fill chatting the cook’s ear off, slipping sweet potato wedges here and there as you talked.

Ms. Maewether was her name, a sad soul who carried her love in her cherished dishes. A love reserved for her late husband, a Beast himself, who unfortunately passed in The War.

Back then you asked her questions to the moon, about what they looked like specifically — if they really had eight inch claws like all the other children gossiped, if they could feel.

The last one was important, because everything Ms. Maewether told you you believed without a doubt, and the number one thing she pressed was that Beasts can feel, so very deeply. Just like humans.

The War changed that, and tension rose tenfold, especially as each Kingdom recovered from their countless casualties.

Luckily, your life had been peaceful, having been born young enough you could hardly remember.

Had been peaceful.

A scream from outside redirects the table’s conversation, relatives and siblings alike turning their head to gaze out the window.

Your blood runs cold.

Beasts, left and right, are slaughtering. Their clothing stained in blood that certainly isn’t their own, blades in clutch.

Immediately, panic ensues. People are trampling over each other to get out, disregarding every instinct but to stay alive. It’s chaos.

Dodging flailing bodies, you anchor yourself in a secluded cupboard below the countertops, shrinking as close to the wall as possible.

A few moments after everyone evacuates the Dining Hall do you hear cries. Yelling, gargled sounds. You cringe back imagining, stifling your breathing as much as possible.

Suddenly, a thought comes to mind, a thought that might just be responsible for saving your life.

Smell.

Ms. Maewether warned you a Beast’s smell is like no other, like a dogs. Twenty times as heightened as a persons.

So slowly, silently, you fish your hand into the small bit of darkness in front of you, locating a small bottle of cooking grease you wince upon finding — forcing the awful smelling concoction over your body, masking your scent.

Right after sitting down the container does the door creak open, heavy footsteps belonging to none other than a Beast. You can hear it in their sniffing, the clicking of their claws. Chills scatter your arms.

Another enters as the second door creaks, muttering something incomprehensible to its companion. At this point you’re pressed to the other side of the cupboard, both hands covering your mouth.

Your heart thunders in your chest, beating unbearably loud the longer you huddle.

Walking past where you lie, a Beast stops, body ducking down close enough you can hear its labored panting. You wait, waiting for the door to be flung open and for your death to await.

It doesn’t. And you thank whomever above for the echo of its presence fading away into the distance, barely relaxing against the highly uncomfortable hiding spot.

Instead, a blood curdling screech rips through the atmosphere, comparably close to where you hide. Abruptly, it stops, the thump of a body against the floor making you staunch the nausea building like bile in your throat.

It takes three days for you to finally peer out of the cupboard, the entirety of the Kingdom completely void of a soul.

Taking your first few steps around do you notice a woman, obviously slain by the puddle of blood surrounding her and the putrid stench. Her mouth hangs open—horror-stricken, frozen in place. You vomit in the sink.

For about a week do you roam the murder-house of a castle, finding purchase in a non-blood-bathed room and the many, thought to be endless amount of food.

You won’t leave, simple.

As long as the Beast Clan believes they’ve killed everyone, you’re safe.

That reminder was assuring, until your food supply dropped exponentially and a new problem situated itself on your platter.

Worst case scenario you die of starvation, the likelihood high if you stay here. Solution? Hunting.

Granted, you’re not the most skillful hunter, but you’re also not horrendous with a bow. Except, it’s not your aiming abilities you stress, it’s the chance someone sees you, the enemy sees you.

Four weeks in and you’re left with no other choice than to bundle yourself in layers upon layers of clothing and heed the feeble weaponry available.

Blizzard frost permeates your vision, wobbling steps making your hunger evident the more you roam. A horse would’ve been effortlessly useful, but selling yourself into that fantasy had been futile upon realizing they either took or killed all escapades.

A hare catches your eye, pale fur barely divisible from the terrain below. Carefully, you crouch down, elbow stretching the arrow back as far as possible whilst maintaining a solid grip. Steady. Steady.

Shoot!

The arrow flies, puncturing the animal in its chest enough to where it thankfully doesn’t suffer, flopping over rather pathetically instead.

However, your success is short-lived.

Stalking forward to snatch the creature quickly, a shadow looming overhead halts your footsteps. Behind you.

Before you can think to run, you wind back, meager arrow in hand providing little defense against the attacker.

First thing you take in is how huge they are. At least six feet tall if not taller, brilliantly ruby eyes revealing its true identity.

Beast.

With ease the man has your efforts pinned, curiousity overflowing as the animal looks at you. Yet, he doesn’t look like an animal, and apart from those eyes of his, no other factors would’ve revealed him to you but that.

This Beast has a fox-like face. A younger stature and smaller, slanted features.

“Hyung, what is this?” He asks, lifting your petrified frame like you were the rabbit you’d killed earlier.

His older counterpart glances over, and any hope of getting released plummets upon those wild crimson hues focusing in on you—knowledgeable as to what you were.

The cooking grease had long worn off, and your identity was likely as apparent as can be.

Mage.

Older Beast easily roaming through the snow, his fingers tangle into your hair, drawing out a cry when he jerks his hand up, forcing your gaze to meet his through the searing sting of your scalp. The younger grimaces.

His long, nearly white hair is tied into a ponytail, sharp cheekbones and calculating stare beyond intimidating. Beneath his left eye you note a small, distinct mole.

“One remained, huh.”

It’s a fever dream walking into the Kingdom that, compared to yours, looks positively flourishing with life. Beasts of all kinds roam about, carrying on with their daily lives, oblivious to the winds of death they’ve swept your way.

Everything in your body feels as if it’s shutting down, unable to feel the sensation of your legs as you trudge forward, the younger, much kinder Beast ensuring you kept pace.

Freezing temperatures carry on the longer snow falls, gluing strands of hair to your forehead, blanketing your lashes while your nose runs incessantly.

In front of you now lies the castle, far grander than you could’ve ever imagined. Twin spires peek above the low-hanging clouds, stone columns towering above.

From your distance you spot two knights positioned on either side of the entryway, large armored helmets with hawk feathers adorning the ridges.

One knight stops your ascent, the light-haired man rolling his eyes profusely.

“Minho, this is important.”

“Important enough you’re bringing a Mage into the Kingdom?”

His voice smooth as honey, he sports a dominant tone when speaking. Stare observant, he watches the other Beast’s expressions with uncanny precision.

“Because if you haven’t noticed Hyunjin,” He leans forward a bit, whispering. “You have the entire Kingdom’s attention.”

At this, either of the Beasts who escorted you turn around, and upon doing so are met with hundreds, if not thousands of eyes boring into their soul. Whether it’s younger Beasts or aged soldiers, those heinous vermillion orbs seem to see through you.

You gulp.

“C’mon,” Hyunjin harshly beckons, nudging you forward through the gates with the younger quick on his tail.

Every color in the Palace is monochromatically grey, although strikes of royal blue reside in large drapes hung from perched balconies.

Similar guards to those outside sift throughout the room, familiar hawk feathers litter everywhere in sight, paving paths to the core of the room where a throne sits.

Pointed edges flank either side of the massive chair, the ocean blue rug underneath reflecting up and out of the ceiling — a glass design stretching wide across the throne room, emphasizing the dusky weather outside.

According to the younger Beast whose title you learned as Jeongin, the King was currently participating in a hunt with Changbin (the lead hunter of the Palace), so after hasty appreciation of the sheer volume of this breathtaking castle, you’re forced toward the dungeons.

Jeongin wears a pitying frown, promising to return with some food to your chambers in the case the King doesn’t arrive for a while.

At least someone in this Kingdom doesn’t insist you’re beheaded.

“Finally, somebody else is here.”

A voice erupting from the darkening depths to your right make you jump, chained wrists clanging abruptly. Through minimal lighting of the burning lamps hastened upon the walls, you make out the silhouette of a man, face bunching in a sweet manner when he smiles.

Unusually, his hands aren’t chained.

“What’re you in here for?” You begin, gaze narrowed in confusion. The chubby-cheeked stranger smiles haphazardly.

“I would ask you the same thing. I’m the King’s Advisor, he just gets tired of me and puts me in here sometimes,” Your chamber-mate sighs, and once you take in what he professed, the urge to laugh becomes too strong to control.

Laughing for the first time in quite a while is sort of relieving, especially when this new acquaintance of yours begins whining his dismay, aimlessly trying to hush your giggles.

Red eyes. You can see them blinking up at you, gleaming when he grins his pointed teeth.

Quickly pausing, you wait in horror as he gradually sniffs in.

Your stomach sinks.

“Wait… You’re a Mag—“

His phrase is cut off by a loud ringing noise, a familiar echo of keys tunneling down the dungeons stairwell.

Another stranger unlocks the door. He’s burly, with curly hair in disarray. Cuffs of animal fur wraps around defined biceps, his top a tight-fitted arrangement of fur and woven leather paired with small iron spikes studding the shoulder lining.

A scar passes down the corner of his lip, long since healed but remaining faded.

“C’mere,” He ushers, voice gruff and rumbling when he unlocks your shackles, big hand pushing you forward up the stairs.

If anybody here had pure Beast in their bloodline, it would be this man. His demeanor is rough, but his touch on your back is surprisingly gentle whilst guiding you upward.

Again you’re granted with the wondrous sight of the Throne Room in all its historic glory, although your gaze directed at the floor keeps you ignorant to so many heads bowed, so many voices cast to silence upon the click of footsteps approaching.

And when you look up, you meet strikingly blue eyes—perhaps a genetic mutation of a sort.

They’re stunning, enrapturing almost, and you find the need to break eye contact immediate, more dire than normal while staring down at you.

Plump, full lips and perfectly sculpted facial features seem that of a Greek god’s, too ethereal to exist in your reality. A glittering, silver crown sits stark atop a black nest of hair.

Either arm rests on the sides of the throne, and you swore you’d never seen someone look so, King-like. That, and the massive cape of wolf-skin draped over his back.

A devil, dressed as an angel.

“Your Highness, this Mage was found near the L/N Kingdom by Hwang Hyunjin and Yang Jeongin while scouting the territory.” A palace-woman announces, the same guard who lingered outside, Minho, standing to your side.

Your blood boils, disregarding every ounce of amazement once inhabited.

It’s him. The man responsible for the demise of loved ones you couldn’t count on all of your fingers and toes.

Minho, as if sensing your frothing rage, mutters through his helmet a staggered warning—remaining upright and unmoving at attention.

“Do not move and do not look into his eyes unless you’re asking for death.”

Your patience dissipates, lip twitching involuntarily.

You can’t remember the last time you were genuinely angry. You were happy, surrounded by people you loved.

Those people weren’t here now, they were killed.

“You murderer! You’re a—“ Your attempt at lashing out at the King stalled when Minho kicks the crevice between your knees, forcing you down on the carpet below.

“Monster! A bloody— fucking— Monster!”

Palace representatives gasp their bewilderment, some beckoning you away to the dungeons, others urging Minho to end you right here and now.

It wouldn’t matter, would it?

The King’s raised hand stalls the accusations, his familiar clicking footsteps nearing closer till he stands before you.

Shifting down into a squat, the man tips your chin up to meet cerulean again, his head slightly tilted to the side.

“Don’t get it mixed up little one,” He murmurs, the pad of his thumb controlling your movement.

“I did not kill your family. Your family killed themselves.”

Fist sharply winding around for a punch, he catches it before you can even register your predicament, iron grip strong enough you fear he might just snap your wrist in half.

“And I wouldn’t recommend fighting back, otherwise I can’t guarantee your safety.”

Concluding his threat the further he bends your wrist, you whine, face scrunching from the pain until he finally stops, amusedly surveying your expression.

Denying your own enraged shaking, you suck your teeth, focus vehemently pinned onto him.

“Why would you care about my safety?” You snarl, trying to wriggle his hold off to no avail.

“Because,” The King cocks his brows. “I like you.”

About to spit another word, he interrupts you, index tracing the veins of your arm.

“Plus, I could break you any time I wanted, Mage. So behave.”

You shiver.

Your second day and you feel as if you’re officially going insane.

The only person tolerable here is Jeongin, that chamber guard whose name you don’t know, and Felix, the castles cook. You barely see the King, and even when he’s present he’s usually quartered in his study.

What he does there remains unknown, information learned in the mere form of startled maids leaving the room and gossip among those wandering the Kingdom.

“Do you know what he does?”

Felix looks up from the dish he was laying in front of you, wispy blond locks bouncing with the movement.

“Does what?” He piques, ridding a stray piece of hair clinging to your sleeve.

“The King, what does he do all day long?”

One thing about Felix you love, his honesty. Regardless of if most would tell a quick fib and flee, Felix, although occasionally working around a topic, takes the time to actually explain things to you.

Allows you to learn more of the place you’re going to have to call home.

“Hm..” He pulls a chair from your right to drop into, and for a moment, you see Ms. Maewether in that smile of his. Your heart aches.

“Chris— I mean, King Bahng is always busy. He plans trade agreements, oversees the hunts, and basically keeps this castle alive.”

Chris?

“Who’s Chris?”

Felix nearly squeaks, burying his head in his hands. Evidently, you weren’t supposed to hear that part, but an eagerness to know more about this solitary King kept your hesitance at bay.

“That’s his name. Christopher Bahng, but you’re not allowed to call him that and not allowed to tell anyone about us having this conversa-“

“Tell who?”

You quite literally almost fall backwards in your seat, failing to anticipate the pair of hands placed on Felix’s shoulders.

A pair of hands, followed by a pair of ocean blue eyes, boring right into you and the horrified boy in front of you.

King Bahng. In the flesh.

“Oh.. Hey Chri— Hello Your Highness.”

Again he corrects. These two must know each other.

“Tell who, Felix?” He speaks, tone nothing short of teasing—though the boy looks just as startled, practically sweating through his clothing.

Still adorning that flanking wolf-cape of his, his dark hair is slightly messy, expression distorted curiously.

You hate him to admit, but King Bahng is horribly attractive.

“Nothing! Nothing at all, Your Highness,” Felix chirps, fixing you with a ‘Don’t say a word’ glare you cease to argue with.

Rising up from your seat quickly as if you had any duties in this Kingdom to tend to, you find yourself stalling.

You have so many questions. …And the overwhelming urge to slap him across the face.

You’ve received a fair warning on the latter.

“I’ll be off now, Your Highness.”

The last words come out involuntary, used to referring to your own father this way. It made you sick to know you regarded his murderer the same.

And though the King didn’t stand extremely tall (considering how young Beasts were already your height), his hulking stature felt as if it could swallow you whole, pointed canines flashing when he smiled, sending your head reeling.

Pleased.

King Bahng was pleased hearing something nonthreatening come out of your mouth.

Vile.

Yet, you simply curtsied and hurried off, ceasing to notice the immediate growl Felix directed in the King’s direction.

“Good lord, I know she smells good but you’re practically undressing her with your eyes,” The freckled boy grumbles, returned with an uninterested expression from his friend.

Before the King can head off to whatever meeting he has planned, however, he spins on his heel.

“Have you consulted Seungmin about the scent-blocking salve?”

“Possessive, are we?”

His glare shuts the cook up immediately.

“If there is one Mage left, it’s mine. And since she’s the survivor, she’s mine.”

Yeah, he’s not beating the possessive allegations. But if he’s going to gain your trust, and eventually, after much thought, become mates, he’s keeping every other Beast in the Kingdom at a distance from you at all times.

“Jeongin will report when it’s completed. And Chris?”

“Hm?”

“Don’t expect her to warm up to you.”

King Bahng hums.

“I don’t.”

And with that, Felix follows your exit, leaving the King to his own devices, your nectar-sweet smell lingering in his nose.

“If I stare at the same wall for hours and hours, shouldn’t it break by now?”

“You’re a Mage, not telekinetic,” Han replies, repetitively scanning over a piece of parchment assumed to be a guest list.

In the midst of your incessant boredom, you found yourself following the King’s Advisor around, peering over his shoulder at the endless list of haughty names written in languid ink strokes.

Amongst them, you ceased to find your father’s name. You knew it wouldn’t be there, but somehow, you wished if you blinked enough it would magically appear.

King L/N, written in that same, cursive font.

Rounding a corner, you conclude if there’s anyone you avoid more than King Bahng (a.k.a Chris), it was Hyunjin. That man was a serpent in a Beast’s body.

Catching sight of his dreaded ponytail, you hastily retrace your steps, hiding behind a massive doorframe while Han stares at you as if you’re a rodent scurrying at his shoes.

“He won’t bite y’know.”

“If only you would’ve been there when he first found me,” You whisper angrily, practically clawing at the wood desperately till he leaches you out.

Leaching enough, in fact, that you end up right in Hyunjin’s line of sight, who surveys you up and down with a cocked brow to the point you’re sure steam is billowing from your ears.

Mocking. Ruby-red, mocking eyes.

He does bite. He sinks his teeth into the flesh and tears.

You won’t bleed without biting back.

Han’s iron grip tightens on your arm as slowly, oh so slowly, Hyunjin walks closer.

The strategist prowls, edging right up in your face—noses a thread-width apart.

His glower sets your fury alight, lips curled in a deriding notion.

“No need to glare, wouldn’t want wrinkles ruining that face of yours.”

“No need to get so close unless you plan to kiss me, mutt.”

Though, just as Hyunjin preapres to lunge, a big hand holds him back, animal fur cuffs indicating it isn’t the King who stepped in.

The man who had fetched you from the chambers earlier divided either of you. Shorter, but evidently stronger.

“Control yourselves, both of you. For as long as she stays in the Kingdom, she’s The King’s property—“

“I am no one’s property,” You snarl, and the guard turns.

Basked in clear lighting, you can finally see him. Honing dark brown hair hanging above his eyebrows, the same scar resides by his mouth, though, his eyes are much kinder than you expected.

Taking a slow inhale, he reads your conflicted expression like an ornate mirror.

“One mage in the Kingdom of Beasts? Sorry to break it to you, but yes, you are his property. So as long as she’s here, nobody lays a finger on her, understood?”

Glancing to each person, either of them ease their apprehension, the bewildered Jisung next to you stifling a breath, Hyunjin rolling his eyes with a loud huff.

Baiting seconds pass, and in that period of time do you realize you never caught his name. Specifically, the guard’s name.

“Excuse m-“

“Seo Changbin,” Han interjects. “His name is Seo Changbin.”

Ah. Right.

Now on the roster of least-likely to kill you, Jeongin, Changbin, Felix, and Han.

Filled with a need to evade, you stand merely as a spectator as each horridly red hue snaps to stare at you, your heart spiking an alarming rate.

The King’s Advisor’s fingers tighten to the point you’re sure he’s blocking blood flow.

“You need to leave. Jisung, get in contact with Seungmin and see when the salve is done,” Changbin instructs, already shoving Hyunjin away.

Salve. What salve?

Failing to give you any explanation, you’re dragged off, boisterously complaining before the highly annoyed man abruptly pauses, finger nudging your forehead irritably.

“You smell.”

Then he leaves, and you’re left to wonder if you’re still in primary school or the Kingdom of Beasts.

You smell? What’s that supposed to mean?

First thing in the morning, you’re torn from your slumber with a blazing sun scorching your eyes.

Your canopy beds silken drapes doing little to block the attack, you whine to an apologetic Jisung who merely sighs in return.

“Sorry sleeping beauty, but we have an appointment to attend this morning. Can you handle getting dressed on your own?”

You roll your eyes, groggily pulling yourself upright. “I was an heiress, not helpless.”

To which he cracks a miniature grin and slips out the door, allowing you to hurriedly strip off your chemise and messily arrange your stays and petticoats.

Out of all things you’d been deprived of, a part of the L/N Clan unable to be divided was your garments.

Somewhere, in the midst of fabric and citrus scented soap, you swear you can still smell bits and pieces of home.

What this appointment entailed you failed to ask, gingerly hustled down winding hallways barely illuminated with sunlight.

The Kings Advisor expertly winds further and further down, georgian architecture littered in symmetrical golden portraits and decorum, casement glass windows twinkling as you walked past.

Having reached a dead end, you’re pleasantly surprised to watch Han jar a brass doorknob open, paving a breathtaking view of the garden ahead.

Garden had to be an understatement. This amount of foliage was nothing short of a forest.

Flowers of all kind surround your walk to a shrouded greenhouse, abnormally brick relative to it’s stone-castle counterpart. Its walls are overgrown in slithering vines, door nearly invisible without proper inspection.

Jisung, having noticed your amazed expression, chuckles.

Granted, it’s been years since you’d seen any form of green vegetation, your astonishment felt justified.

“We’ve arrived.”

Oh how you wish to stay here forever. Not captive by the Beast Clan, no, but in this garden, hidden.

And if the last door took effort to pry open, this was a new challenge entirely. Through thickets of dense hedge and tangled branches, Jisung had to quite literally ram himself into the chittering wood for entry.

“Knock next time would you?” A voice projects from inside, belonging to a man clad in rounded spectacles, a slightly hooked nose, and cleanly hair parted to the side.

The Kings Advisor, apparently having known him, beams his prize-winning smile upon seeing the man.

“Seungminnnn—“ Han drawls out, excitedly waddling over to wrap him in a crushing hug. Stiffly, Seungmin pats his back, an action you fondly watch from afar.

“Ah!” The more ebullient of the two springs up, turning to you. “This is Seungmin, he runs the apothecary here.”

Nodding stiffly, Seungmin ushers you to one of the many mahogany chairs circling a gateleg table; a vase—likely jade with its pale green hue—filled with indigo hydrangea presides in the center.

“And,” Han’s outburst cuts off your awe. “He’s practically my little brother.”

Now you’re in awe again, but for a different reason. And by the evident frown on Seungmin’s face, he can tell.

“Shocking, right?”

Yes, shocking for certain.

Though, before you can reply, Han slaps his hands on either of the man’s shoulders, expression transformed into one of seriousness.

“About time I left then, yeah?” Was spoken while his form hurriedly retreated out the door, leaving you with more questions than answers to what just occurred.

“..He forgot something again.”

Biting back your laugh, you finally take a seat, given ample time as Seungmin shuffles off to the side to acknowledge your everything to its fullest extent.

Matching the plant-infested interior, verdant drawers scatter the corners, a lone, looming medicinal cabinet left ajar as the chemist poured over a variety of assorted concoctions.

Air stained with a damp smell of earth, you notice, much to your curiosity, the longevity of such a place.

This apothecary, though inside the castle, feels like an entirely new settlement of its own. An establishment existing before the war, rebuilt (inefficiently) enough to where it was only required to stand stable.

From first sighting you’d grown an attachment to it, but this newfound understanding, these newfound details setting the apothecary apart from your predicament let you imagine yourself anywhere else, back to a nostalgia you longed for.

A short term fix.

“This.” You’re handed a phial from overhead. It’s a slightly green substance, thicker in texture that rests heavy in your hand. “Is for you.”

Slipping across from you, he surveys your analyzing, arms crossed over a deep brown waistcoat.

“And this is..?” You inquire, looking up from the cork-sealed glass.

“A salve. You had better not waste it, material is low as is and I’ve been waiting years for this winter to end already.”

Well that didn’t answer your question. You’ve heard conversation about a specific salve for days on end, but no genuine explanation caved in—

‘I’ve been waiting years for this winter to end already.’

Repeatedly mulling over the words, you can practically feel your heart palpitating, head beginning to spin.

..End already? The endless winter.. ending?

“So you’re saying,” You murmur, placing down this special salve in order to truly regard him.

“There’s a way to end the Endless Winter?”

His brows crease critically, seemingly sarcastic.

“There’s an end to everything sweetheart. Life, death. Start, finish. War,” He meets your eyes with a conniving grin, a face you hadn’t seen on the man before.

“Peace.”

Automatically, you roll your eyes.

Peace? Peace when there was no peace left to be made, no kingdom remaining to make peace with?

“And how do you think the nonexistent Mage will make peace with Beasts?”

Seungmin grins.

“Well there is a Mage left,” He scornfully states, flicking your forehead whilst you palm the sting, frown evident.

“And as far as making peace goes, marriage.”

Marriage.

What.

“Wait- so you’re telling me big bad King Bahng could’ve just hooked up with a Mage and called it a day and everything would be fine?”

Seungmin clears his throat.

“One, Bahng doesn’t ‘hook up’. Two, it’s not as easy as that.”

Of course it’s not as easy as that. Why would it be?

You wish to claw your eyes out of your head, anticipating his explanation.

“Because if you weren’t aware before, marriage ties between Mage and Beast are very difficult to establish. Bahng is picky on everything, and even pickier when it comes to mates.”

But before you can argue there were thousands of suitors roaming the L/N Kingdom for him to pick from, Seungmin interrupts.

“Plus, if anyone else were King I’m sure we would’ve had peace decades ago. You’re lucky you’re in the castle right now, otherwise you would be eaten alive.”

Your face scrunching worriedly, he rakes an exasperated hand through his hair, plopping down on the vanity’s chair.

“Your scent.”

Again, you’re reminded of Han’s ‘you smell’ comment. Why is it showing up a second time?

He groans frustratedly, wordlessly praying you understand.

You don’t.

“Mage have specific scents. You can’t smell it since you’re not Beast. But let me tell you, you smell fucking delightful.”

Oh.

That’s what he meant by eaten alive, and the entire ‘you smell’ conundrum.

Seungmin, rather entertained with the shock written on your face, shrugs his shoulders, nonplussed by the crassness of his earlier statement.

“Now you get the use of the salve, right? And why you’re not allowed to leave the castle?”

Your mouth feels dry of response, beckoned toward the exit without so much as a peep passing through your lips.

However, right as the you’re halfway gone, he stops you, brows cocked.

“Do us all a favor and marry him, will you?”

And like that, the apothecary’s door thumps closed behind you.

If only the “him” he was referring to wasn’t King Bahng, you might’ve agreed.

Marriage in the L/N Kingdom had been a sacred event.

An event you’d been prepared for since childhood, fed daydreams of a day you would be married to a prince-like man with perfect features and a perfect personality, every element fabricated from a young age.

Truly, you loved it. Loved visualizing a life shared with your loved one, whoever that man would be.

Little did you know he might just be King of the Beast Clan.

No. You refused. Marrying a murderer, the murderer of your family, was the last thing you would oblige to.

He sent the command, he led the attack, and you’d rather die than give him the satisfaction of marriage.

Although, one problem. Similar to life back at the L/N Kingdom, supplies only lasted for some time before shipments became low, and pretty soon (according to Seungmin) the salve you were given would run dry.

Meaning, your meager chance of protection lay completely exposed, susceptible to any Beast daring enough to try something.

Two sides of a coin remained. Heads, you marry the murderer of a King and spring returns, or tails, you abstain and are eventually left vulnerable.

You’ve always been the person to confront a difficulty head-on, but, in this case, a different, defensive approach crossed your mind.

Run away.

Despite Seungmin’s sensible reminder to not leave the castle, what other option sounded suitable?

Die physically or mentally, pick your poison.

Or maybe, never drink the poison in the first place. Evade.

Three days have passed since you received the salve, and after applying it behind your ears and between your elbows at dawn, you were free to do as you pleased—within the castle walls.

Yet, tomorrow’s dawn would be divergent. Tomorrow, you would be days away from the Beast Clan.

Sneakily roaming around, you managed to find certain outlets to your disposal. Nearby the chambers you’d been kept in was a moth eaten, hooded cloak seemingly unworn for quite awhile. Ideal for an anonymous escape.

Furthermore, amongst the colloquy during a dinner with Changbin and Felix in the Great Hall, you distinctly recall overhearing information about the stables.

If you were to flee, you needed a horse, and thanks to the guard, you knew right where to find one.

Unable to sleep the night before, your dry eyes blink through the dense darkness, sweeping the candlestick from your side table for a minimal source of vision.

Lathering a copious amount of salve all over your skin, you slip down the winding stairwell, grateful for the shadowed moonlight gazing down upon the Throne Room as you venture.

Bingo. There’s the cloak.

Sweeping the fabric over your shoulders, you slip the hood over your head, creeping down the steep steps leading into a surrounding ward.

On your left, across the butcher’s vendors.

Blindly searching, the whinny of a mare alerts your close distance, carefully winding through lead ropes and linked fences to the first horse in sight.

You have to be fast, the sun will rise at any moment it pleases, and it’s impertinent you’re gone by then.

Hoisting a mere saddle pad over the back, you deem the saddle too noisy, slipping the reins overheard and adjusting their length accordingly.

Jogging forwards, you’re brisk to gain a running leap atop the horse prior to the thunder of hooves charging forward.

Closer to the gatehouse you near, a luckily open drawbridge allowing easy passage across.

Faster, faster. You can’t afford to slow down. Daylight is beginning to peer above the horizon, warming your back with rays of sunlight amongst a snowy landscape.

And when the kingdom wakes up, it’ll be as if you were never there.

But, an undecided factor stayed. Where would you go? There was no kingdom left for you, no home to go to.

For now, you needed to prioritize finding a hiding spot, if only for a night, that supplies warmth.

Given the opportunity, too long out here and you or your horse will indefinitely succumb to the frigid conditions.

Veering off sharply, you sidle beneath a barren magnolia tree, its thick trunk barely blocking the unforgiving wind. Pretty soon you’ll have to keep on, but for now, you’ll savor the temporary peace.

Blue skies indicate it must be nearing morning, and you assume the castle will be slowly waking up. By now, King Bahng would likely be awake as well, you’ve been told he doesn’t sleep well anyway.

Scouts. He’ll send scouts most likely. Knights like Minho or Hyunjin.

Ugh, the mere thought of Hyunjin finding you a second time makes you nauseous.

Except, the longer you consider it, King Bahng is the worst case scenario.

I could break you any time I wanted, Mage. So behave.

Those words send an entourage of chills slithering up your spine, and not from the cold.

Because while Hyunjin is a type of spiteful strong you want to avoid primarily due to how annoying it is, King Bahng is a quiet strong, the kind that wouldn’t confess his anger, but have you witness it firsthand instead.

Enough thinking. You have to go.

Using the bumpy roots below you for leverage, you wind a leg around the horse’s back, aiming to reach the edge of the territory before midday.

That was the goal, until you’re pummeling to the ground.

The moment is instantaneous, your horse releasing a shriek as it’s swiped right off its feet, slipping onto hard, icy ground and simultaneously crushing you in its descent.

Almost like vomit you feel the screech of pain building in your throat, a numbness in your right leg along with the warmth of blood soaking your clothing doing little to sustain level breathing.

Then, in the midst of your hysterics, you look upon the visible side of your horse, a pair of claw marks scratched right across its stomach.

Scrambling out to the best of your abilities, you bite your tongue, praying this is one of Hyunjin’s sick, sadistic games and not an obvious ambush.

You refuse to die like this. You’ve survived once and you’ll be damned to give up now.

“I’m impressed. You’re not as weak as I thought.”

A sneering tone speaks from behind you. According to the claw marks, Beast, but not one you remember. And with your current state—being unable to rise to your feet—you’re utterly incapable of ascertaining an identity.

Instantly, your hand reaches up to trace the alcove beneath your ear and neck, any ounce of hope disappearing upon feeling for the salve.

Gone.

“Now, care to tell me what a Mage is doing in Beast territory?”

He’s hiding behind you on purpose, drawing you into a sensory overload, a panicked frenzy of adrenaline and fear.

Deer caught in headlights.

A curved claw unlike those in the Kingdom of Beasts winds your head back, staring straight into the face of something you can hardly deem Beast, more like wolf.

He has this terrifying look in his eyes, and breath that stenches of metal and flesh.

This man is the kind of Beast you’d grown up believing in. Violent, merciless.

Minho, Hyunjin, hell, anyone. Please.

As if second instinct, you assess everything around you, snatching the closest stick to you and jarring the sharp end through the bottom of his chin with all your might.

A gagged, sort of howling sound emits from above you, putrid-smelling blood spraying all over your face.

In split seconds does another form appear in your peripheral, your dread heightening before ultramarine stills the horror in its tracks.

King Bahng.

He’s quiet, expertly slicing the back of the neck, the attacker dropping to the ground motionlessly.

“I could’ve handled it myself.”

It’s a lie. He doesn’t respond.

If the first Beast hadn’t killed you, he certainly would. He said it himself, whenever he pleased, he could break you.

So when King Bahng’s arms extend toward your position on the ground, you prepare for the worst, crawling backwards as quickly as possible.

Surprisingly, he kneels down in front of you, and, as your vision clears, you notice the concern written on his face.

Weird, the feeling compiling in your gut as he looks at you like that. The way your eyes build with tears, lungs finally hacking for as much non-congested air available without a single word said.

Just by his expression alone, you’re a fit of blood and tears, the aftershock hardly helping ease the experience.

Crying, in the middle of a forest, with King Bahng as a witness.

“I know, I know,” Is all he whispers, and you barely recognize when he hoists you into his arms, the searing sting of your leg your only indication of movement.

Smoothly maneuvering you again his chest, he cradles your body close, one hand directing his horse as you ride back to what you assume to be the Kingdom.

Through the aching pain, you can’t even be upset about returning, merely focusing on the subtle warmth of his body and the strength willing you to say something.

“You speak nothing of this moment,” You murmur, the King’s body erupting into a tremor of laughter.

“I speak whatever I like whenever I like, sweetness. No one touches what’s mine, yeah?”

Mine. You hate the effect he has on you.

Yet, your snarky remarks are depleting in tandem with your energy; the soothing, shushing sound he’s making and the repetitive thump of hooves doing little to keep you from sleeps tempting beckon.

Eyes drifting closed, his tightened grip pulls you closer, your cheek smushed into the fabric of his coat whilst lost in slumber.

“Hold on a bit longer for me, we’ll be there in no time.”

Recovery, to your luck, is swift. Either that, or Kim Seungmin is secretly a Mage, because within a week spent off your leg, you’re back to normal.

A little sensitive to weight, but overall, healed.

Initially, despite the agony blazing through your body, you were thankful you barely recalled seeing anyone, swept into the apothecary immediately.

The last thing you wanted to see after returning would be the faces. Plus, what about your friends? Jeongin, Felix, Han? You’re sure they looked destroyed.

Except, it’s all fake. A feign kindness given to you only by sympathy. What do the faces matter anyway?

You gorge that question to the very back of your throat when said Cook walks through the apothecary’s door, utmost apprehension apparent. He grabs your face, brows knit—but not in an angry sort of way, more like staving-down-tears.

“Don’t you ever do something like that ever again.”

Past him, you can’t help but smile seeing Seungmin’s softened expression watching Felix, adoring his preciousness just as you are.

“I promise.”

Nodding curtly, he turns around, leaving you to view the many ingredients scattered across his apron.

He rushed here, cute.

“I’ll bring breakfast down here.”

Craning, you can barely make out his deep voice, lowered to a nearly inaudible decibel. Ears flushed pink, you’re filled with a worrisome amount of happiness seeing Felix’s embarrassment trying to maintain an upset facade.

“Hm? What was that?”

Ah, at this point you’re picking fun.

“I said I’ll bring breakfast down here.”

Precipitously slipping outside, both you and Seungmin are left to stifle your bubbling laughter, graced with the most appetizing platter you’ve had the pleasure of eating a few minutes later.

However merciful those first few days were, dissipated. And in a short amount of time, you could feel the eyes boring into your back, the questions resting on the tip of tongues.

All the same, nobody mentioned it. And if anything, that made the paranoia grow.

It was gradual. The subtle shadow you swore you saw in corners, the terror stopping your heart in your chest when you swear someone breathed down your neck.

Your body may be healed, but your mind certainly isn’t.

To a degree that two weeks later, you’ve found sleep nearly impossible, lingering in the kitchen in the wee hours of morning, teetering on your wits end.

Some occasions it’s Felix who you see first, wiping the sleep from his eyes, loading coal into the furnaces to heat the kitchen for the day. Other days it’s handmaids, shuffling around busily, carrying goods to and fro.

This time, Minho arrives first, for once wearing regular clothing opposed to his usual armor, steaming saucer in clutch.

Perhaps this is an opportunity, he is a knight after all.

“Hey Minho?”

Tired eyes sweep to your figure on the table, the rim of his cup held to his lips.

“I’m too paranoid and at this point I might die of sleep deprivation,” You huff, referring to his raging, bed-headed self . “…Could you teach me how to use a sword?”

He’s staring at you like you‘ve grown two heads, pulling a chair back to settle in, arms crossed over his chest.

No sentences need to be said aloud, merely spectating the gears turning in his head enough to set your nerves on edge.

Yet, in the midst of your waiting, you note a peculiar bruise peeking from his collarbone, another lingering a tad bit lower.

“And you think a sword is going to protect you?”

The question is genuine, lacking the bemused nature you were expecting.

Another thing you’ve noted throughout your sleepless nights was the continuous amount of times you’d watch the King’s Advisor sneak into his quarters, a realization keeping your response baited.

Seems his love life isn’t a concern.

“Hey, those marks on your neck and shoulder, are those from Ha—“

“When do you want to train.”

All lightheartedness vanishing, you have to chew your lip to avoid ticking him off further by giggling.

“Tomorrow?”

Pushing in his chair with an agreeable hum, you merely whisper a hurried “Thank you” he grunts at, rushing off to who knows where and giving you leeway to recover from the hilarity of it all.

Tomorrow, however, came far too early, not anticipating to be woken up at the crack of dawn, grumpy enough the prospect of blackmailing the King’s Advisor became dangerously tempting.

Yeah, good luck. He’s not budging until you’re on your feet.

Seems you underestimated Han Jisung’s stubbornness.

Rushed into a loose gown, you’re led to the Inner Ward, an open sector in the middle of the castle.

Upon being met with a too-smug Minho, you can practically see the word “payback” hovering above his head, busying himself with fetching supplies.

Perhaps this is karma coming back to bite you.

Ouch.

Except, you’re puzzled. You’re being taught how to deul, yet your teacher isn’t adorning armor nor gear of any kind.

At your confusion, the knight chokes a cocky guffaw.

“First, we learn how to properly move.” He hands you a wooden sword. “If I so much as leave a scratch on you I’m as good as dead.”

Again, he may appear snarky, but his tone is nothing short of serious. Minho is hard to read.

Wait.

Seeing past your panic, the Beast seems to answer your unspoken question.

“King Bahng is visiting the villages today, he won’t be back till the evening.”

A wave of relief grounds your bones, standing rather pathetically while Minho aids in critiquing your position, instinctively shifting into his own in front of you.

“Now, there are a lot of things to consider when dueling. I’ll narrow things down. Don’t overestimate or underestimate your opponent, trust your gut, be aware of everything, and lastly, do not be afraid to deceive.”

Promptly, he’s lashing out before you can even process his advice, wooden weapon drawn above his head as your grip tightens, attempting to block the strike only for his foot to press into your stomach, sending you falling right onto the ground instead.

“Isn’t that unfai—“

“Like I said, deception is your greatest weapon. In a game of swords, it doesn’t matter how dirty it’s won, it matters who won.”

He reaches a hand out for you to take, helping you back up again only to both fall back into your stances.

“Keep in mind, your sword isn’t your only weapon.”

Minding his instruction, you continue onward, sparring heartily till the beating afternoon sun becomes too hot to bask in any longer. Amongst the four hours you had been consumed in training, you’ve snagged certain valuable points.

Calmness is crucial. Your mind streams clearer when you parried, void to the opponent’s increasing frustration—given an advantage of both agility and focus.

Two, unpredictability is a gift. Minho is especially good at being unpredictable.

Whether he charges headfirst or aims the forte of his sword toward particularly weak points, you begin to mimic his performance, growing closer and closer to conquering those signature tactics.

Of course, your enjoyment can only last for a bit before it spoils.

Spoiling as in, Hwang Hyunjin’s random appearance, sauntering into the area as if he’s King himself.

“Well look at this, didn’t think I’d see our runaway and Minho here.”

There’s an air between Minho and Hyunjin, one that forbids Hyunjin from egging his superior on, just like when you were first brought to the Kingdom. Lucky for you, you could be degraded as much as he approved of.

Feigning a dramatic gasp, he gestures to either wooden sword held in raw palms.

“No way, you’re learning how to deul?! Don’t tell me you’ve never learned basic attacks? Oh right, you never had to fight, huh, princess?”

You bite the skin of your cheek, minding your composure.

“You know nothing about me.”

“I know enough.”

Now he’s asking for it.

“Say,” He sneers. “Let’s duel.”

Keeping Minho from intervening, you apologetically nod to his disproving expression. He knows it’s stupid, even while fetching his armor and adjusting the metal plating to your body, and you do too, but you can’t afford to back down, you won’t.

Testing your abilities carrying a legitimate sword this time, Minho grants Hyunjin a terse scowl, their own wordless agreement to tone down on anything too harmful.

Somehow, it grates your nerves further.

Straight away, he charges his right foot forward, the metal colliding with a loud ring, narrowing your body to shield your unprotected side.

Hyunjin, though skillful in his wrist mobility, clearly uses his size compared to you as an advantage, carelessly throwing around his jabs whilst relying on form alone.

You shuffle back and forth continuously, the commotion of metal rifle drawing the attention of Beasts alike throughout the castle, stopping their movements to survey.

Lurching himself forward once more, you will your legs to support you, balancing the crushing force of his pushing ascent with as much strength as possible.

“If you win, you get whatever sensible award you want,” He grits, using pure weight alone to gain higher vantage. “But if I win, you marry King Bahng.”

Suddenly, interrupting your stunned reaction to his proposal, Minho’s reminder breaches your eardrums.

Deception is your greatest weapon.

Honestly, you’re bewildered Hyunjin hadn’t played petty thus far, and you have no doubt he will any moment now.

You can’t afford to waste the opportunity.

Maintaining your gaze targeted on his face, you steal the chance, slipping your sword right beneath his feet, hooking the guard just fast enough to cause his legs to buckle.

The tip of your sword centimeters from his neck, you cock your brows, finding satisfaction in the glare he’s boring into your skin from his spot on the ground.

In a game of swords, it doesn’t matter how dirty it’s won, it matters who won.

“If King Bahng wishes to marry me, he will deul me himself. That decision isn’t up to you.”

Stalling his immediate laughter upon nudging the sharp point right up against his pulse point, you chuckle.

“I might have to do this more often, you’re not bad when you shut your mouth for once.”

Dropping your sword, you reach out a customary hand he rejects, either of you following Minho to the side stalls to return his armory before a haunting voice stops you in your tracks.

“One more match?”

You’d been ignorant to the Kingdom’s sudden burst of energy, the trembling chains of the drawbridge dropping onto cobblestone ground, the gates shifting open.

Having appeared through thin air stands King Bahng, constantly arriving at the worst of timing.

He’s clad in traditional armor, though his has fancier plating, cleaner sheen, azure hues hidden within the gorget.

Your stomach ties itself into a knot, piecing together the details.

“If this is about the deal, I don’t think I-“

“Oh please princess, this was never up to you. We did this for the sake of the Kingdom, you think we ever considered your say in this?” Hyunjin interjects, quickly escorted away by a frowning Minho and an additional guard you don’t recognize.

Huh?

What… What is he talking about? For the Kingdom? What does he mean for the sake of the Kingdom?

Do us all a favor and marry him, will you? Seungmin’s words ricochet in your skull, the parts assembling perfectly into place.

But if I win, you marry King Bahng.

Marriage.

They knew all along. They knew you were set to marry him and yet, no one told you.

If your betrayal had been violently inflicted, you would look like a rag doll. All this time, these moments you thought were glee-filled, hopeful.

Lies.

Tearing the King’s chance to speak from his fingertips, you pick up your sword, denying your shaky, white knuckles and replacing those broken feelings with rage instead.

No, you can’t afford to show weakness. You must replace these feelings as quickly as possible.

No weakness, no mercy.

“Fine, let’s duel.”

“But-“

“Pick. Up. Your. Sword. And fight me.”

Releasing a sigh, he cautiously pulls his own sword from its sheath, waiting to be counted off unlike Hyunjin.

However skillful you’d been before had completely vanished. Though, you would give yourself the benefit of the doubt, this fight meant your future, meant the minuscule bit of freedom you’d gotten to experience here.

The last thing you wished was to realize you had been lied to, but even more so to realize you’ve been lied to in front of the entire Kingdom, curious faces peering from the castle’s allures.

Your swings sloppy, you credit the severity of the blows as you attack and defend, evidently dueling with fatal intent.

You’ve lost this battle, you know it. Your senses are too overwhelmed to assess spatial awareness, and every muscle in your arm cries out for relief.

Swept off of your feet in a repeated cycle to earlier, you accept, sitting below the tip of King Bahng’s sword, your defeat.

Almost automatically, the pieces of pride you’d attained after your victory against Hyunjin amounted to nothing.

You may beat everyone else, but you will never beat this man, now matter how hard you try. The odds will always soar in his favor, and you will suffer the results of it.

This is not a game you’ll win. Because from the beginning, you existed as a marionette, enjoying such naivety till the comprehension as to who controlled the play hit you.

This theatre was particularly unforgiving.

He won.

If your insomnia before was grueling, this was an entirely new extreme.

Averaging a meager two hours per night, you’re positive you’ve memorized the guest list by heart, staring blankly at the crinkled parchment, unblinking.

In a matter of days, the congratulatory ball will be held.

You’ll be attending said ball as the bride.

Weeks ago, the guest list had simply been a past time, a mandatory errand for the King’s Advisor, a ball you weren’t aware, and wouldn’t be aware, was meant for you.

Your chest feels.. sad? Empty?

Yes. Empty is the word. An emptiness gutting you from the inside, the ugly drawback of exhausted options and worthless optimism.

There’s a lot of things to ponder on as well, factors you have to analyze, ensure it wasn’t another stage for an audience you so foolishly performed.

No escape.

Tuesday, two days before the ball, Jeongin drops by your door, carrying a package under his arm and that effortlessly adorable smile gracing picture-perfect features.

“This is for you, from.. um..” The anxious boy stammers, placing the binded package on your room’s veneer.

“You can say his name, Jeongin, I’m not mad.”

He exhales audible relief, slender fingers wrapping around your hand before you can bid him farewell.

“He— The King, he’s a good person.”

You force a tight grimace, agreeing despite your contradicting expression.

Perhaps he is, perhaps he isn’t. You don’t know what to believe anymore.

Slipping from bed once the young boy’s footsteps fade in the distance, you gingerly unwind crimson ribbon, allowing the leather exterior to unfold.

Inside lies a gown.

A gown that, investigating how breathtaking it is, should be considered nothing short of a ball gown the longer you stare.

Designed as a mantua, the white fabrics paired with lace neck frill and engageantes add an elegance you’ve never seen before. Light, subtle blue hides beneath ruffles of the skirt, further accented by equally blue lace strings fastening the back together and outlining the seam of your square-cut stays.

You can only marvel at the gift given by your future husband, wishing so terribly you could simply run into his arms and pretend everything was well.

If only it was under better terms, as if nothing had happened. If King Bahng was another man, it’d be possible.

And Wednesday night, the root of your problems bares his face, knocking at your door while you were under the impression it was Han instead.

Acting as if you didn’t care was much easier around everyone but him, especially when you were halfway into tying the laces of your dress, the dress he had purchased for you.

What awful circumstances.

“Don’t touch me,” You hiss, regarding the man across from you with a frown.

Lifting either hand in the air, he seemingly invites you to figure out the impossible strings yourself, cueing a very aggravated, very futile attempt at tightening the ties of your ball gown before (hesitantly) allowing the man to slip behind you.

Of course you had to choose now to try it on.

His touch irritably careful, he ensures the fabric is snug fitting but breathable, each woven thread in its coordinating pattern.

Where he learned this you have no idea, only aware of how horrific this close proximity is, your restlessness growing unbearable.

Running his tongue over his top teeth, he backs up slightly, taking you in with apparent speechlessness.

He clears his throat.

“I won’t apologize because I know it means nothing to you, but please, let me explain. I intended to tell you, I just-“

He sounds timid, like a child.

A sour, bitter fury froths like bile in your throat. You want to explode.

“No. No. I didn’t want this! I won’t!” You wind around, pointing an accusing finger to his chest. “You killed them all, my family, my loved ones, children. I hate you. I hate you!” Your voice breaks, a gravelly, disgusting drawl raking your throat raw. Salty, burning tears drip down your collarbones.

Grievance. An innumerable stage of sadness you hadn’t reached before now, overflowing.

As he tries calming you down, you only grow angrier, pushing from your path to the door, ripping the handle awry.

Instantly, his arms wrap around your middle, hauling you back as you kick and scream, fingernails digging into any available skin, dress puffing as your legs flail.

Catastrophic.

“No- No!”

You’re certain the entire kingdom can hear you, but that’s the last concern occupying your headspace, too focused on escaping, far off as you had done earlier, anywhere but here.

“Stop crying,” He commands, either hand on your wrist pinning your back to the bed, expression morphed pitifully. His calloused hand swipes the storming rivulets from your cheeks.

“Please, Y/n, please stop crying. It hurts.”

Your response shortens into a simple sob, aching.

“It hurts..?” You murmur, eyes shifting over his face. “…You hurt?”

Incessant crying causing your skin to burn, he only blinks at you.

A fit of anger forms just as fast as it disappeared in the pit of your stomach.

“You’re hurting? You’re the sick son of a bitch that killed my family and took everything I’ve ever loved away, you don’t deserve to hurt!”

Sucking in a necessary inhale, you angrily flail, wrinkling your nose at the careful tilt of his head, the distance of his face from yours, every scar, every pore close enough to see.

What happened to the King who threatened to break you? Why is he pitying you, looking at you with such kindness?

Longing to bring up how useless the deal was, how the benefits of the marriage aren’t your responsibility, you simply glare, emotions a whirlwind you can’t explain, can’t say aloud.

And all he does is stare. Staring like you’ve said nothing at all.

You want to cry out, want to curse him for all eternity, curse those blue eyes that seem to pave a pathway through your soul.

But you don’t. He beats you to it.

“..Do you know why my eyes are blue?”

What?

“Because I’m not fully Beast. My mother was a Mage. She turned against my father after I was born, left us, and vowed to do everything in her power to destroy Beasts.”

Your face contorts nonsensically, his tight hold on your wrists loosening the longer he speaks.

“And I assume,” He redirects your head, forcing you to maintain eye contact.

Rearing deja-vú reminds you of your first encounter.

“No one ever told you Mage’s started the war.”

You scoff.

“Or that the Mage planned to cut off all trade supply simply out of spite. And so, I did what I had to—“

“You did what you wanted to. You killed helpless people because of your own problems, my family had nothing to do with it!” Vocal cords throbbing the louder you scream, you try kicking your legs to no avail.

“Your family, Mage, had everything to do with it. My people would have died-“

“Mine already did. So now what?”

A minuscule pinch occupies his brows.

“You weren’t supposed to be alive.”

“But I am, so you might as well let me join them.”

He sighs, a stray, obsidian strand of hair hanging over his forehead.

“You know I can’t do that.”

You test the words on your tongue, wedging your hand out to grab his face, feeling the dip of his jaw as he sucks in a breath.

When you first met, he had told you he’d break you. This change of heart confuses you, grates more anger in your chest.

“And why is that?”

Opening his mouth, he momentarily closes it, then opens again, contemplating the statement with caution.

He’s right, in some way.

You’re not supposed to be alive, not supposed to be saddened. You were meant to be in the ground with them, be one of the many bodies littering the L/N Kingdom, granted an eternal sleep.

Yet, you aren’t.

You survived, and you despise this man with every fiber of your being for that.

But things cannot change. You can’t bring them back, and his situation is just as painful as yours.

You both lost people, or, would’ve lost people.

An explanation or an apology, as he said, isn’t necessary.

So you’ll get what you want, tangibly.

Forcefully grabbing his chin and jutting him closer to you on the bed, your voice drips with venom, noses mere breadth apart.

“Then end this winter and marry me, Your Highness.”

For a split second you swear his gaze drifts to your lips, but you shake the thought away, his sharp canines glinting off the mirrors reflection.

“Aren’t I supposed to be the one to propose?”

“You killed my family, no need for formalities.”

“Care to remind me why you agreed to marry him? Weren’t you planning to kill him?” Felix piques, apron woven around his thin waist, skillfully measuring flour that’s dusted over his nose.

You needed to get your anger out, then devise a plan. Show King Bahng you weren’t going to succumb to his charms, tricks. Ever.

You hum from your spot on the counter, conversing just as you’d done back in your kingdom with Ms. Maewether.

Technically, he was your new Ms. Maewether.

“Oh no, I still plan on killing him, I just want something first.”

Except, you didn’t talk about murder in front of Ms. Maewether. That was new.

He raises an eyebrow.

“And what would that be?”

Snapping your fingers, you cheerily tap your heels against the cabinets below.

“I want to see spring again.”

Silence overcoming the kitchen, it takes Felix a full minute to understand your preposition before bursting into unadulterated laughter. Well, until he realizes. Then he pouts.

“Aw, I was really looking forward to seeing Chris rejected at the altar.” The smaller Beast whines, popping a piece of sugary sweet dough his mouth and handing another to you.

“Hey, now that’s just cruel,” You mumble, muffled by the delicacy you’re currently chewing on.

“According to you yesterday, not really.”

Ah. Right.

“We just… have a lot to talk about.”

The phrase sounds stupid, but it’s true. Logically, emotionally it’s true. There is a lot in need of discussing.

For now, you’re indifferent.

“I’ve always thought you two were similar.”

The cook’s outburst catches you off guard.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve always wanted to protect what mattered to you most, and maybe, one day, you can understand why he did what he did.”

Leave it to Felix to be your reasonable opinion.

Nevertheless, an invisible barrier rests between you two. A lie. His lie. The Kingdom’s lie.

“Felix, I will never understand why he did it,” You humorlessly chuckle, hopping from your spot. “So tell me, why did you lie?”

All morning you debated the right time to confront him. Tonight was the night, the congratulatory ball, the wedding. Why wait?

Freezing with his back turned to you, he stops mid-slice, dropping the knife atop the cutting board and gradually facing you.

Oh Felix.

His nose flushed pink, lips quivering, you allow him to race forward and hug you, head tucked into your shoulder while you stand there, motionless.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. It was decided from the start, but we were told not to tell you, not until King Bahng told you himself.”

You want to tell him it’s okay, make some jokes, act like things are normal. Though your arms stay glued to your side.

“I guess Hyunjin beat him to it, huh?”

His arms tighten around you and, with a sigh, you pat his back, gently nudging him off of you where you can hold that sweet face of his.

“But don’t worry about me, alright? I can handle this, and I forgive you, so let’s move on from this, Lix.” Tenderly rubbing the skin of his cheek, he meekly smiles, an action you can’t help but feel relieved seeing.

You’re strong. You have to be strong. For Felix, for Han, for Jeongin, for your friends throughout the Beast Clan, you’ll be strong. You’ll enjoy wearing the gown regardless of who bought it for you, cherish the wedding no matter the man you’re wedded to.

If you’re going to have to live like this forever, you might as well make the most of it.

On today’s occasion, you’re dressed by a hand maid sent to your quarters, polished and puffed to perfection by the time five o’clock arrives and the banquet officially begins.

And when you see yourself in the mirror, you’re not exactly sure who stares back at you.

She’s pretty, yes, but she isn’t Y/N. She’s a Queen, the Queen of the Beast Clan.

Your stomach wrenches.

By tomorrow, you’ll be married. Married to King Bahng. You will be a wife, the wife of a King just as the L/N Kingdom intended.

The thought continues to plague your mind, sucking more and more oxygen from your lungs that as you’re escorted to the ball room.

You can hardly inhale and exhale normally as Changbin, whom you appreciate enormously, walks you down the aisle, past an abundance of people you’ve never seen before. Beasts, business men, acquaintances alike.

Sensing your panic, your linked arms allow him to spare you a meager glance you anxiously return.

It’s fine. It’ll be fine.

All previous calmness long dissipated, when you finally redirect your attention from your feet and take in King Bahng waiting at the altar, your rampaging anxiousness increases tenfold.

As the audience claps and either of you turn with your backs facing the crowd, you scorn your lack of a poker face when the King rests a hand on your back.

“Breathe,” He utters, only a whisper you heard.

Wishing to thank him, you bite your tongue, considering the man you’re referring to in the first place prior to replying.

A sharp nod of your head is enough.

Stifling an exhale, you spin on your heel, both bowing to the public before facing each other and holding hands, an action that shouldn’t cause goosebumps to swarm your arms, but does anyway.

“You plan to smash my face in at our wedding?” He murmurs below the customary vows, acknowledging your fingernails digging into his hand.

“Keep giving me ideas and I migh-“

The retort vanishes when he presses his lips to yours, doubling back in shock before his palm on your back keeps you close.

Granting you breathing room if only for an instant, a slow grin tugs at the edge of his lips.

“Then before I die, let me have this first.”

And he dives right back in again, kiss surprisingly tender compared to what you’d expected. Something bruising, dominating.

Instead, the King was soft. Soft as he held your cheek in a hand, soft when pulling you in by the waist.

Separating if only for a fraction of a second, you reach to hold his face, every instinct beckoning you to push him away dissipating into nothing but the nullified drone of your head and the insistent racing of your heartbeat.

“Are you that nervous, pretty? Your heart is-“

You pull him to your lips once more, hating how easy it is to forget, how his lips numb your thoughts—though unable to get enough.

“Shut up and kiss me.”

The guests hollering in your peripheral the lone sound breaching your eardrums, you can’t help thinking.

He did this for his people just as you would’ve done. As for the Mage instigating the war, some secrets shall remain hidden, unable to be answered. You have to accept that among many things.

The King has done nothing but care for you, and as much as you resent him for it, you respect him, if only a tiny bit, as well.

He’s irritable, and not to mention annoyingly handsome. His sympathy-filled eyes might be the death of you, and those dimples of his are stupidly lovable.

But he’s your husband, and somehow, strangely enough, you don’t find yourself hating the thought as much anymore.

Not when he holds you, and especially not when he kisses you as if it’s your last.

After the many hours spent celebrating, you couldn’t have been more enthusiastic about returning to your quarters.

Joined by King Bahng, you find traversing as easy as ever with the help of the (half) Beast behind you, helping navigate past multitudes of people, oddly comforting touch on your back guiding you through the hallways.

Arriving at your room, he pauses, awkwardly shifting his weight on his heels, bewitching gaze flitting left and right, uncharacteristic to his usually smug attitude.

“…Was the kiss too much?”

King Bahng, asking if his kiss was too much?

You wanted to photograph this moment in your mind forever, debating on whether you should tease him about it, egg the normally stoic King on.

However, you tip his chin down, pressing a chaste, soft peck to his lips, amusedly observing him freeze before melting into your touch.

“Could be better.”

He huffs a sigh in response, and you’re left wondering if this is the same man who threatened to break you, the one who now looks like a pouty toddler.

Although, just as you slip by, he takes ahold of your wrist.

“Goodnight Y/N.”

You crack a smile.

“Good night Chris.”

And, suppressing your chuckle, you close the door behind you.

Hastily undressing into nightwear and slipping into bed, you stare up at the ceiling, hours passing from the ticking of a clock in the corner, echoing around the room.

Then, abruptly, your door creaks open.

“My gods, what are you doing here?” You whisper into the darkness, the door creaking behind his crouched form, King Bahng’s crouched form.

“I needed to see you.”

Ah. Don’t say things like that.

Pulling the covers further over yourself, you squint accusingly at the man as he enters, silencing your urge to reprimand he saw you mere hours earlier, presumptuously sitting opposite to you.

He scans what’s visible, fixating on your hand for a moment.

“You kept the ring on?”

Noting the gleaming jewel on your ring finger, you can’t help but feel slightly bashful. It’s not like you’re really married, but the thought sends a sort of satisfaction spreading throughout your chest.

“If I take it off, will it become winter again?”

He grins, giggling childishly.

“Is that the only reason?”

Debating on your response, you wet your lips, looking back up at his barely distinguishable face shrouded in darkness.

You have no doubt he’s thriving off your hesitance.

Oh how badly you wish to wipe that look clean, but in reality, keeping the ring on feels as if a part of you from your own kingdom is with you, similar to your old clothing.

The part of you that, if not invaded, would belong to someone loved, newly wedded.

“No,” You mutter, though the phrase is barely audible.

He perks up.

“Hm?”

You regret saying that. But he’s already heard, there’s no use lying aimlessly.

“I said no, that’s not the only reason.”

“Care to tell me the other reason?”

Rapidly averting your attention to your hand, you discover speaking is easier when not looking at him.

“Keeping it on makes me feel like I’m really in love. I like imagining that, being married.”

You miss the sad lilt crossing his face.

“We are married.”

Without missing a beat, you meet his stare.

“Are we?”

Unlike before, there’s no waver to your voice, no caution.

Winding around to your side of the bed, he settles beside your feet.

You clear your throat.

“I wanted to see spring again, and to you, I’m simply a present. A playtoy to your disposal. This isn’t marriage, not how I was taught, this is just a business arrangement.”

Nevertheless, the hurt leaks into your voice. So long to a resilient tone.

“Y/N, don’t do this to me.”

Come to think of it, it’s the first time he’s ever called you by your name apart from last night.

Having had enough of his nonsense, you spring for his collar, dragging him below you on the bed. Opposite to earlier, you’re on top this time, you’re in control.

“You don’t deny it.”

A silence passes.

“I would deny it a thousand times, but you wouldn’t believe me. And I don’t blame you for that.”

He sucks in a breath.

“I only ask you don’t doubt this marriage. This isn’t a business arrangement, and I will treat you with as much respect and love as possible, even if you don’t want me too. That is what marriage is, how I was taught.”

It’s your turn to inhale, lost within the confines of this dark space.

“Chris, do you love me?”

You both have people you love, people you want to protect, wanted to protect. It wasn’t his intention to hurt you, not when he found you after you ran away, not when ordering a salve to keep you safe, nor now, as you lean above him.

Like he told you. You weren’t meant to survive. You were supposed to be peacefully asleep, forever.

This man, this Mage, this Beast, is as much a murderer as your savior. You choose how to condemn him.

“I do, more than you could ever imagine.”

How can you stay mad at a guilty man, a man who kept you alive when you were on the brink of death? Who now professes to loving you, wanting to give you a marriage you’d been cheated of, give you everything you’ve been cheated of with everything in his power.

Hovering right by his lips to the point your chests touch, you place a miniature kiss there.

“I hate you, so much.”

Then another kiss.

His arms, wrapped around your more elevated form, drag you down in an embrace. One hand presses your face to his shoulder, another rubbing circles on your back.

“And I’m so sorry, I’m so, so, sorry.”

Raising up, you can’t contain the tremor of your lip, the way your eyes shakily close shut as you steal a third kiss from his lips, a kiss he returns, hands carefully holding each side of your face.

“Chris?” You manage, currently straddling his lap, his body resting against the headboard.

Kindly, he keeps a palm against your lower back, helping you balance.

“Can you show me what it means to be loved?”

You never understood how a person could melt until this moment. He wears that look again, like in the forest. The look that makes you cry.

What love looks like for Christopher Bahng, you don’t know. You have no doubt there will be ugly moments, moments you’ll reconsider, rethink.

You’re both hurt, some wounds still hurting. But for him, for you, you’re willing to take that chance.

“I’d be honored.”

FIC TAGLIST. @stayceebs97 @duhgirl @yourgirljanvi @readr1221 @spearbinnie0327 @hyunjinsartpeice @cheesytangerine @palindrome969 @luminouskalopsia @kiaralynn3838 @chrizztopher97 @starlost-andfound @weeping-angel-in-the-tard1s @zaggprincess2

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