pigeoncoop

[pigeoncoop]

I have dreams sometimes that I still love you

That we hang out, like we used to

Laugh like we used to

And we don’t talk about you hurting me

About missing how things used to be

We watch our movie happily

And I wake up feeling angry

That my memories still love you

#poetry #okay to reblog #dreams

[pigeoncoop]

If you want me to hold my tongue, don’t tell me you’re worried that my throat is sore from yelling

If you don’t want me to stand up for myself, don’t ask me if I need to rest my feet

And if you want me to cut off pieces of myself for your convenience,

Don’t try to convince me how glad I’ll be to lose the weight

#poetry #short #okay to reblog

[pigeoncoop]

What is it worth writing about?

I spent twenty minutes writing five paragraphs. It was just a stream of consciousness, about my day and how I feel about it. There’s no metaphor, no literary technique, no deeper comment on society or life or anything that’s relevant to anyone but me.

There were twenty more paragraphs that I wanted to write. A thousand things that weighed on my mind today. Things I have no story, no poetry to wrap up in a way anyone else will understand.

I wrote five paragraphs about today, and barely scratched the surface. Long paragraphs, I mean. I wanted to write about not knowing how I should feel about my life. I wanted to write about depression, and trying, and failing, and wanting to give myself time and space but not knowing if I’m doing that or if I’m just letting myself wallow.

There are shorter ways, surely? More palatable ways? Writing that isn’t just describing an incoherent and self pitying spiral of negative thinking as if there were a clever point to be derived from the rambling? Writing that people will read, and will care about?

I only got five paragraphs into trying to capture the tangled, knotted web of thoughts inside my mind today. Into trying to capture all the bad things in my life and present them to the internet, hoping someone would validate my pain, and my anger. Hoping that putting them on the page would help me, somehow. And then I came to my senses, and discarded it.

#Not exactly poetry #It's actually just more rambling #I'm rambling about rambling now #Okay to reblog

[pigeoncoop]

I’ve been thinking about cloudy nights

The way that they trap the heat underneath

And warm my world, like a blanket

And all the lights of the city

They reflect off the bottom of them

And give the entire sky a pale glow

So why don’t I like cloudy nights

When they’re so much brighter than clear skies

Much less bitingly cold

Shouldn’t that security feel good?

But maybe

just maybe

It’s worth being vulnerable

For the chance to see stars

#poetry #okay to reboot #as usual #not totally depressing poetry? #on my blog? #it’s more likely than you think #I don’t know #but I’m trying to figure it out

[pigeoncoop]

Hi just letting y’all know that Sia, the artist, is making what is essentially a big “F you” to autistic people. She is collaborating with Autism Speaks which is an organization that believes autism is something to be cured and treats autistic people like burdens. It is another run of the mill inspiration p**n movie for non autistic people and able bodied people to feel like they have compassion and understanding for us. For any of you who are not autistic and are able bodied, please do not support this film as it perpetuates bad stereotypes about autism and disabled individuals.

#ableism #actually autistic #autism awareness #ugh

[pigeoncoop]

I did a google search recently

“What to do when you are sick of children”

I found a hundred ways to help a sick child

I’m not supposed to be so angry at her

For shouting, and screaming,

For doing the things that children do

For yelling about what she wants

No matter how calmly you explain

I don’t think I’ll yell at her

I don’t WANT to yell at her

Her feelings are so raw

She makes so much noise

All I want is a quiet space

To try collect my thoughts

I did a google search

I couldn’t find what I was looking for

And I’m worried

That it might just be me

[pigeoncoop]

Synonyms for Sad

I’m trying to think of another word for sad

It’s funny how English has so many words for similar concepts. And how at the same time, none of them mean quite the same thing.

my teacher used to have this infographic on words like sad and what you should replace them with to make your writing sound better.

But I can’t seem to figure out how to replace “sad”

Melancholy is a lovely word to say. It almost tastes like nostalgic. Like you’ve just realised what your life is, what is was, what it never will be. Like you’re looking out a window at a beautiful sunny day, but you’re stuck in the shade of the house.

I lost a whole summer to a pandemic this year. My city was not responsible with social distancing, or mask wearing, and I couldn’t risk going on walks in parks full of people lounging around in the sunshine. It was a nice summer too. I don’t know when the summer will be nice again.

Distraught feels like a punch to the gut. Like having the wind so completely knocked out of you that it feels like you won’t ever breathe again.

It’s been almost a year now since my cat died, unexpectedly. A blow that came when I was already down. It’s fine, the pain isn’t as sharp anymore. Not most of the time. What is the mourning period for a cat, anyway?

Miserable has a sense of bitterness to it. Like when you’ve fucked up and you know there’s nothing you can do to fix it. Like when the world is constantly grinding against you and you just want to slam down your fists and scream that it isn’t fair.

I can barely intereact with the news anymore. There’s just so much of everything. It all hurts so much.

I still haven’t figured out how to replace Sad though. It seems like a much smaller word. Like a much smaller feeling.

Like being caught in a downpour of rain, when you’re hungry, and you’ve had a horrible day, and your socks are soaked through, and there’s an hour of walking between you and home. Like being curled under a blanket, feeling gross, and hungry, but not having the energy to shower or cook.

Like you’ve spent years of your life being miserable, and distraught, and melancholy, and downcast, and wretched, and depressed, and all the other thousand bigger ways of being sad, and you’re too tired to be any of that anymore.

Sadness feels like the fragile husk that is left when everything else has burnt away.

I wish I knew how to replace that

#depression #sadness #animal death #Covid #Corona Virus #Trying out something different with poetry today #if you wanna call it that #Okay to reblog #as usual

[pigeoncoop]

I suspect there may be some poetry

In choking back tears while you make pizza for your family

And your face being so raw from wiping them away

That the heat from the oven stings almost unbearably

If there is, I don’t care for it.

[pigeoncoop]

I think there’s a ghost in my house

I haven’t seen one around

But my sleep is less restful

My cheer is less joyful

My sadness less sadful

I think there must be a ghost

It hasn’t made any noise

But the lights seem much duller

The rooms seem much smaller

My bed that much colder

I don’t know what my ghost wants 

Or what will make it leave

I hope it’s a ghost

And I hope that it goes

Before the mess gets much worse

#Poetry #ghost #depression #okay to reblog

[pigeoncoop]

I think people misunderstand me

I said that I would still be alive in a decade,

and they heard it as a mission statement,

As a declaration that the world will not defeat me

They don’t seem to understand I’m talking about the inevitable

About momentum

About sattelites

I want to explain to them that an object in orbit is no more flying

Than a person thrown off a cliff is

That the moon is actually forever falling around the earth

But moving forward too quickly to crash into the ground

To me the only difference between the man and the moon

Is that the man will, eventually, connect with the earth

While the moon keeps falling until it spins away into space

So people don’t understand me

When I say I’ll be alive in a decade

I don’t say it with determination, or with hope

But with the cold and certain knowledge

That there is no ground below to catch me

#Poetry #Space #falling #depression #actually been trying to write this for a while #it took me a long time to figure out how to do it #okay to reblog #Edited #I'm tweaking this a little bit #just cause

[pigeoncoop]

You want me to let go of my anger

Because anger is toxic? Because it will hurt me?  

My anger has protected me when you wouldn’t

It sat with me when my aggressors  needed you

more than I did

When I was frightened It gave me teeth to bite with

When I was under fire it shielded me

And now

Now that I am broken and bloodied

Now that I am beset on all sides by enemies

Now you want me to let it go?

Because it hurts?

Thanks for your concern

But it’s a little late for that

#poetry #anger