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raflovestuffs · 1 year

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Blame's on me

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Here's the story I'm finally done writing thanks to the help of my friend who helped me a LOT. This fic was a big challenge for me because I never wrote about the Avatar universe. But I felt in love with Jake and Neytiri's kids in ATWOW. Their story and the tragic ending moved me. And I felt the need to write about how Lo'ak finally accept he's not responsible of his brother's death. I need this comfort fic so I wrote it. And I was inspired by so many people in this fandom! I thank them for helping me making this fic the best possible.

Finally, here are two songs that inspired me to describe Lo'ak's emotions: Blame by Graves and Blame's on me by Alexander Stewart which gave the name of this one shot.

Also I did some of the prompts @movietimegirl shared :)

I hope you'll enjoy this story as much as I do. Please give me feedbacks so I can know what you thought of it! See you soon folks!

...

Alone.

Misunderstood.

As far back as he could remember, Lo'ak had always felt all alone.

But his brother was dead. And now he felt the loneliness more than ever. He realized that, before today, he had never really been alone. Neteyam had always been by his side. And it took his death to realize that.

Neteyam, his lifelong protector, had died protecting him one last time. He would have to go on without him. And it was all his fault, he knew it. If he hadn't forced him to go back for Spider, Neteyam wouldn't have been shot, and he would still be alive.

Although Lo'ak had always felt left out, Neteyam had always been there for him and often made up for his mistakes. His habit of putting himself in danger had killed his brother. He would never forgive himself.

All the events of the last few months came back to his mind in succession. Lo'ak regularly endangered his brothers and sisters. He had deliberately disobeyed his father to retrieve weapons during the maglev raid, and his brother had almost died in the attack. Then he had endangered his sisters and even Spider by taking them to the old shack where they had met Quaritch... he couldn't help but feel that he was the reason for their escape. At least, taking refuge within the Metkayina clan had allowed him to meet Tsireya and Payakan. But then again, during the battle, Lo'ak had left his sisters in the hands of Quaritch, and they had all nearly drowned... All the mistakes that he didn’t see.

"You've done enough."

His father was right.

Neteyam died because of him. He knew it was too late for apologies. It was all his fault.

"Alien, that’s all they see."

His brother had tried to love him when he hated himself. Lo'ak was an outcast, they were all right to reject him.

He was no good for anyone. His presence only hurt the others. Everyone was probably better off without him anyway. He had seen the pain in his mother's eyes. He knew that his presence alone reminded her that he was the only reason for her immeasurable sadness. And he didn't want to inflict that on her.

So Lo'ak stayed alone, in a far corner of the village. He took refuge near the mangroves, a place with dense vegetation where he could vanish without trace. But it was at the foot of the mangroves that he came to rest and think. Where natural terraces of rocks overlooking the sea had formed. It was his and Tsireya's secret place. She taught him the way of water here. The rocky bank opened up into a large hole more than ten meters deep. Lo'ak, as a forest boy, had room for improvement but she had taken the time to teach him. To teach them.

He would balance between the rocks and then sit on the edge, gazing out at the endless ocean for hours, his eyes lost in the horizon. Tsireya had come to see him a few times. She had sat next to him, she had tried to talk to him. But no words could come out of his mouth. So she just sat there, beside him, silent. He knew how lucky he was to have her as her friend. She could see into him. But he felt unworthy. She and Neteyam were also very close, he knew they talked about him behind his back. And he had torn that away from her too.

The only one he could still confide in was Payakan, his spiritual brother, who he was perched on right now.

"Payakan, how am I going to move forward without him?" the teenager breathed, lying on the animal's massive shell.

"Be patient Lo'ak," uttered Payakan.

"You know what I told him before all of this happened?" He stood up, waving his hands.

"I told him you were my brother... that I would never be him... the perfect son..."

His eyes darkened.

"Oh Payakan... what have I done..."

The boy looked down at his hands as if they were still soaked with his brother's blood.

"It's no use blaming yourself," his friend tried to reassure him.

Lo'ak said nothing. He thought of his brother. He would do whatever he could to make him say "it's okay" again,to make him tell that everything would go back to the way it was. He hated just what it came to. He lost him, now he felt lost. But he couldn't hold it against him, only he was to blame. Just like Payakan, he would have to pay for it the rest of his life.

Did that make him a killer?

He sat up, bringing his legs up to him and wrapping his arms around them. He tried to hold back the tears but felt them burning his eyes. Sobbing, the boy buried his head in his lap and let the sadness flow out of him.

...

"Lo'ak!"

His name had come to him like a distant echo. He thought he recognized a familiar voice. Once he had gathered his wits, he looked up to try to distinguish where the call was coming from. It was Kiri and Spider, he should have known. The darkness was waiting for him. They were always supposed to be home by eclipse...

When his sister arrived at his level, she simply put her hand on his shoulder and smiled sincerely.

"Lo'ak, it's time to go home."

If Kiri had come all the way here accompanied by Spider, it was because their parents must have been worried about him not coming home. She was playing her big sister role by bringing him back before they got too worried. The young na'vi did not flinch and gladly followed her after saying goodbye to Payakan.

When they reached the village, Lo'ak was surprised to see Norman's avatar there talking with his father. He approached him with a smile.

"Norm, I didn't expect to see you here!”

For the first time in a while, Lo'ak had surprised himself with a sense of joy. Seeing Norm again felt so good.

"Hey boy! It's good to see you!" he said, giving him a hug. "Spider needed an oxygen refill so I came to bring it. Without a helicopter this time..."

He realized at that moment that he must have felt responsible for them being spotted by Quaritch before the big fight.

"I know about Neteyam. I'm sorry," Norm told him sincerely.

He had watched them grow up. It must have been heartbreaking for him too. Norm was part of the family, he was like an uncle to them. Lo'ak hated himself even more. He nodded sadly. Norm patted him affectionately on the back before letting the boy go. The teenager greeted his parents briefly before heading for their marui.

Turning back to Jake, Norm sighed.

"How’s he doing?"

"He does what he can as we all do. But it's really hard for him. We barely see him anymore."

"Have you two been talking?"

Jake pursed his lips. He knew for a fact that talking with his son would help him accept what had happened, it would help them both. But it was all still too fresh. And the truth is, he didn't even know what to say to him. Lo'ak was young, death was still a complex concept at that age.

"Jake..." Norm breathed, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"I know... but what do you want me to tell him?"

The avatar laid a loving hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Have you told him about Tom yet?"

Jake sighed. Tommy.

"Well, maybe you should," Norm continued.

Norm was right, Jake knew. He had hardly mentioned Tom's name in the presence of his sons.

He watched Lo'ak in the distance, eating his meal away from the rest of the clan. He couldn't help but see himself in him. In fact, Neteyam and Lo'ak reminded him a lot of him and Tom. Neteyam was very wise and quiet by nature, and resembled his twin in every way, while Lo'ak had inherited more of his personality traits, especially his rebellious side. In Neteyam's shadow, Lo'ak was trying to carve out a place for himself, just as his father did when everything his older brother did was a success - the great scientist. Jake had wanted to give meaning to his life and that is why he joined the military. He believed he had found something worth fighting for. Then he lost the use of his legs. And Tom got killed. Nothing made sense anymore. Just like today.

But Neteyam's death was still too recent. When the time was right, he would talk to Lo'ak.

"Not today, Norm."

Jake stood up to come sit next to his son, out of the way.

"Hey son..." he breathed, pausing to make sure he had Lo'ak's attention. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," the interested party replied unconvincingly.

"Your mother is worried about you," his father insisted before adding "...and so am I."

"Like that matters..." the boy then sighed, deliberately avoiding his father's gaze.

"Lo'ak..."

Jake's face broke down. Talking to his youngest son had always been difficult and the current situation wasn't helping. He had lost a son, but Lo'ak had lost a brother. A situation he knew all too well and it reminded him of how similar he and Lo'ak were in their fate. He only hoped that time would allow them to heal their wounds.

It was time for their family to come together.

…

Tomorrow, it was decided. The Sullys had gathered their belongings to return to their people for a while. They were going back to the Omatikaya clan to replenish their resources and gather supplies, mainly weapons and medicine.

Straddling her ikran, Neytiri kissed Tuktirey's forehead.

"Let's go home."

The same rain that had led them to the sea people led them back to the forest people. The eight-hour flight on the back of their ikrans was exhausting. They arrived drained, their limbs weighed down and dehydrated. They suffered in every way possible, but it was worth it. Because Neytiri needed to be reunited with her people, and so did the children.

The Tree of Souls stood before them with Mo'at at its base. No words were needed. She took her daughter in her arms, sucking in all the pain that was hers. Mo'at knew. And who better than a mother to understand the pain of a grieving mother? They were soon joined by Kiri and Tuk. The latter threw herself into her grandmother's arms.

Around them, the Omatikaya people flocked to meet them. There were hugs, there were pats, and words of compassion: "Ngaytxo", "Eywa ngahu", echoes of apologies from the people showing their support. There was this oppressive atmosphere of sadness and grief.

Jake couldn’t breathe.

He hadn't felt such an intense struggle since the time he almost suffocated to death: his lungs emptying of their oxygen. But right now it was worse: he felt like he wasn't alive. It was too heavy, he couldn't stand there and pretend everything was okay. He needed to be alone to take time to process his pain.

In the midst of all this, Lo'ak was also suffering. He looked around at all the people with anxiety, wondering if they blamed him for his brother's death. Did they know what happened or did they only know that Neteyam was gone forever?

His mother drew him out of his thoughts:

"Where’s your father?"

"I'm going to look for him," Lo'ak replied, without thinking.

…

The forest of Pandora.

Jake felt as if he had left it years ago when it had only been a few months. It had seemed like an eternity. To find himself there, the place that had made him fall in love, it brought him comfort. He could breathe again. He wandered without thinking of where he was going, he let himself be guided by his steps. Then he stopped dead in his tracks. This place, this light, this greenery, these waterfalls, this lake... it was the place where he used to fish with his oldest son. He crouched down at the water's edge, as if Neteyam was going to show him his latest catch. A big one, without a doubt.

But nothing happened. He was alone here. And the only face he could see in the water’s reflection was his own. He looked miserable with his eyes eaten away by fatigue and his wounds still very apparent. He saw a tear roll down his cheek. He looked away to look in the distance. He saw himself washing the lifeless body of his son beside Neytiri again, this image haunted him. He broke down in tears, letting it all out. Jake mourned the death of his son for the first time.

...

Lo'ak walked deeper into the forest. Following familiar paths, he hoped to run into his father. He couldn't have gone far anyway. It must have been a few minutes since he realized he was gone.

A noise attracted him. He looked up. Sobs. It was a man crying. And that man was none other than his own dad. Lo'ak could not believe it, he had never seen his father cry. It was only when he saw him in the distance, kneeling on the ground, one hand on his forehead, looking down at the water at his feet, that he could believe what he had heard. His father was crying.

Lo'ak approached and without even realizing it, he stood behind him not knowing what to say. Jake hadn't even noticed his presence.

When Neytiri had asked him to go look for his father, Lo'ak had thought he would simply tell him his mom was looking for him and then take him back to the village. But now that he had found him, he understood the reason why his father had slipped away. Asking him to return was the last thing he wanted to do.

And the reason beyond that was that in his dad’s presence, Lo'ak felt the need to justify himself. He felt the need to apologize, to ask his dad to blame him, to put Neteyam's death on his shoulders and not his.

"I'm sorry he's not here with us," Lo'ak began.

Jake looked up, realizing he was no longer alone.

"I'm not like him, I wish I was, but I'm just an alien, demon blood. I'm sorry I'm not the son you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I’m not him..."

"Lo'ak..." Jake whispered, trying to stop him.

But the teenager barely took a breath between each sentence, his thoughts moving faster than his speech. He was hyperventilating, spitting out all his words like stones that he wanted to get rid of his heart as soon as possible.

"I'm sorry, it's all my fault. I should have listened to you, but then again, I wanted to do things my way and it led him to death. It should have been me. I'm sorry I killed him!"

As he said this last sentence, Lo'ak burst into tears. He looked down to avoid his father's gaze, he didn't want him to feel sorry for him, pretty much on the contrary.

"Remember I told you I had a brother?" Jake asked abruptly to his son, breaking the silence.

"Um... yes. Tom, I think his name was," Lo'ak sniffed.

"That's right, Tom, my twin brother."

"But you never really talk about him."

And there was a good reason for that.

"He's dead. He got shot, too."

Lo'ak looked up at his father.

"Dad... I didn't know. I thought he was on Earth."

"The reason I came to Pandora the reason all of this happened was because he died. I was offered to take over his contract, to pilot his avatar," Jake confessed.

"You mean you could have never come?" asked Lo'ak, clearly surprised.

"Well... Tom was a great scientist, he studied hard to come to Pandora. He was brilliant, he was good at everything. The Avatar mission was his dream."

"Weren't you interested in that?"

"I grew up hearing about it, but I never figured I’d be going there. Tommy had been preparing for this his whole life, he was the one looking for answers.”

"Did you two get along well?"

"To tell you the truth, he and I were very different. I preferred to go out, to go on adventures, whereas he was very calm by nature, he liked to read a lot. We used to read together, we loved the heroes of Greek mythology..."

Lo'ak didn't understand everything his dad talked about, but he was glad to know that he had a brother and that he could understand him.

"It must have been hard… losing him."

Jake remembered the night his brother died like it was yesterday.

"You know, the night before he died, the two of us met at a bar to talk. It was to tell me he was officially leaving for Pandora in a week. I wanted to celebrate with him, cause I knew we wouldn't see each other again for a long time. It takes six years to get here, you know. But he didn't want to stay, he had things to do, he wanted to go back and I didn't hold him back. After that, I found out that a guy with a gun shot him, for the paper in his wallet."

Jake left his sentence hanging. He hadn't thought about it in quite a while, but discussing it with his son made him realize that he could help him.

"You don't know how much I blame myself for what happened."

"But it wasn't your fault! It was that guy who killed him! You didn't do it!" Lo'ak became revolted.

And that was exactly the reaction Jake was expecting. He put his hands on his son's shoulders and looked him straight in the eye.

"Just as you are not responsible for your brother's death, Lo'ak."

The young boy looked away, holding back tears.

"Son, you meant well, it wasn't your fault."

Lo'ak suddenly realized that his father felt as guilty as he did, and despite all this, he had moved on, admitting that the real culprit laid elsewhere. Lo'ak snuggled into his father's arms. Jake held him tightly to his heart.

When he ended their embrace, Jake rubbed the top of his head in the same way Neteyam used to do with Lo'ak, reminding him he was the one who taught him this move in the first place.

"Let's go find your mom."

…

Utralä (a)Nawm

We are all seeds

ayrina’l(u) ayoeng,

of the great tree

A peyä tìtxur mì hinam awngeyä

whose strength is in our legs

N(a) aysangek afkeu,

like the mighty trunks,

Mì pun

in our arms

N(a) ayvul ahusawnu,

as sheltering branches

M(ì) aynar

in our eyes

Na seze

the blue-flower

A ’ong ne tsawke.

which unfolds the sun

Utralä (a)Nawm

we are all seeds

ayrina’ l(u) ayoeng,

of the great tree

A peyä tìrol m(ì) awnga.

whose song is within us.

The Na’vi say that there is no death, only change. The Sully's life would never be the same again. All the events they faced for several months had changed them. They were forest people, but they were also sea people now: Neteyam rested with their ancestors. Once the Remembrance Ceremony was over, they gathered as a family with Mo'at to honor the memory of their son and brother one last time.

A few days later, it was already time for them to leave. Staying here too long could put the People in danger and that was the last thing they wanted after all that had happened. Restocked with medical and military supplies, they were ready to return to the place they now called kelku, home, knowing that it was only a “see you soon” not a farewell.

...

When she saw the Sully return, Tsireya felt that Lo'ak's relationship with her father had changed.

That evening, Tsireya sat down beside Lo'ak. Without saying a word, she simply rested her head on his shoulder, affectionately stroking his chest to calm his breathing, as she used to do during their training sessions. She closed her eyes as if lulled by the steady rise of his chest. No words were needed, they were just happy to feel each other's presence again.

"You know, I've talked to my dad," Lo'ak confided to her after a moment.

She had suspected it, but she was so happy that he confided in her that she didn't let him know.

"I'm so glad you finally were able to talk to your dad. Told you he would understand," she breathed before adding, "I'm so proud of you Lo'ak."

"Thank you, Tsireya, for being my friend."

He placed his hand on the one Tsireya had placed over his heart earlier and smiled at her.

She smiled back at him, revealing the dimples that Lo'ak had a secret adoration for. .

The look on her face, however, changed to a more serious one. She put both hands around his face.

"Lo'ak, I think you’re ready to see your brother now."

Lo'ak knew she was right. But he wasn't sure he could do it. What if he couldn't connect with him?

"Tsireya, I don't know if I..." he choked as he placed his hand over hers.

"You have to," she insisted, her eyes moist.

She paused to hold back a sob. It saddened her to see Lo'ak so alone. She was sure that seeing her brother again would allow him to finally accept what had happened and move on.

"He's waiting for you, Lo'ak," she whispered, like a prayer.

The boy took her in his arms.

"You're right," he whispered in her ear as he tightened his embrace. "I'll go to the Tree of Souls early tomorrow morning.

From their marui, Neytiri watched the scene fondly.

"I'm glad Lo'ak was able to find a friend in Tsireya, who truly understands him."

Her gaze turned to Jake, who squeezed her hand in response. They smiled at each other.

…

The light of day was barely palpable when Lo'ak climbed down from the hammock in which he had been sleeping earlier. Without a sound, he unhooked it from the ends of the marui, rolled it up and put it away in a corner. He had finally found the will to go and see his brother, but he did not want to be disturbed in his solemn approach.

The village was surprisingly quiet. Everyone was asleep and he didn't cross paths with panyone on his way. All he had to do was call his ilu who would lead him to the Tree of Souls.

It was still a big journey and it gave him time to think. A thousand times he had thought of turning back, dreading the moment of reunion too much. But on the other hand, he couldn't help thinking about his dad's confidences, about his past and about his brother. He didn't want to have any regrets.

The Tree of Souls loomed under his feet. He took a deep breath and dived down to find his brother.

...

"Neteyam?"

Lo'ak looked around for his brother. He couldn't see him anywhere. What if...?

"My baby bro!" a voice came from behind him.

Lo'ak immediately turned around. He smiled as he saw his older brother facing him.

"So the mighty warrior is being grounded. No flying for a month huh?" his older brother teased him, patting his head affectionately.

"I deserved it... You almost got killed because of me..." replied Lo'ak, using a more serious tone.

"Oh that? It was nothing... Grandma treated me well, I should be able to get away with it!" Neteyam joked.

"Come here, I'm not done with you!"

Kiri had just grabbed him by the shoulders to sit him down to apply more solution to his wounds.

"Ouch!"

He gritted his teeth.

"Hold still, this should ease your pain."

Seeing his brother in pain, Lo'ak's face darkened.

"Don't make that face, baby brother!" Neteyam reassured him, "What did Dad ask you to do? Taking care of the ikrans I bet..."

He felt the tears come to his eyes.

"Neteyam... if I had listened to you, none of this would have happened..." he paused, thinking about how recent events had kept coming. "I promise I’ll listen to you from now on..."

Neteyam looked at Lo'ak with seriousness. He placed a loving hand on his brother's shoulders and looked him in the eye.

"Don't blame yourself, baby brother, we couldn't have foreseen what would happen. None of this is your fault Lo'ak. Promise me you'll forgive yourself, okay bro?"

Despite everything that happened, his brother had forgiven him.

"I promise," he conceded before throwing himself into his arms, finally letting his tears fall.

"I'll always be there for you Lo'ak. Always."

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