rojacrc

[rojacrc]

Home

I’m standing here today after almost 25 crazy years. I’m standing here today and I can’t even believe all the demons I’ve defeated.

I’m standing here today, on a busy international airport, trying to consolidate in words what my brain is holding. I’ve been having this feeling for quite a few months now, I should blame it on her because before her arrival my life was completely different.

I’ve been trying to go deep down my memories, to that little girl in a small town that nobody has heard about before; on that country that is not able to be pronounced without shooting a millions of red flags for the outsiders.

I was trying so hard to remember the safety, warmth, love, support… I was digging so deep into my brain to remember any of those feelings or at least one specific scenario where I was able to feel something nice, something better than just fear and reject.

I came to the surprising outcome that K couldn’t remember anything, of course there was joy and some kind of love, but it was always under conditions or purely just because.

I felt sad for a minute, cause nobody should have no home, I felt sad and lost cause I had no clue of where was my place, or where I belonged. Nevertheless, having in mind how ruthless, cruel, hard, painful, and annoying life can be, when I saw myself in her eyes I knew this all was meant to be. In her soul I was printed for now on.

It might sound cheesy, or corny, or extremely ridiculous… but people when you go around having nothing, not knowing where to go, what to do, nowhere to call home and all of the sudden possibly having everything. Every single thing you craved, you desired, you dreamed with… every single thing that you prayed every single night to be able to have, every single thing you cried for like a little child.

Having love, support, safety, freedom, cockiness, goofiness, sex, admiration, and respect all in one person, makes you feel like a fucking million dollars.

Now after all this years, after all this time of not knowing exactly where I belong, or what I would be able to achieve; I can finally say I belong to her. She is my home, she is the rock, the person, the strength, the path and destiny I was looking for so long. And god I don’t even know how I got so lucky to be able to find the perfect one, the one I love to hold and stumble around.

I now have a home, my home, her home, our home. And it’s not the place, not the money, not the furniture or the nice neighborhood, is the person and maybe some cats or dogs. It’s the amazing feeling of ecstasy, adrenaline, dopamine and all the other chemical responses in your brain.

Cause you finally did it.

Now you have me here standing, after almost 25 years telling you all that I finally found my happy place, my person, the one to be with for so long, the one I will marry, the one I will kiss every morning and every night… I found my home when I found her!

Saturday 05/21/2022

Chicago, O’Hare Airport

To Shelby, I love you stink!!

[rojacrc]

I have found love so many times since I came here

I found it on the stickers stuck on my shirt after a long 10 hour shift

I found it on the awkward questions from my host moms

Questions I didn’t had an answer just a smile to put on

I found it on the smiles and giggles at 7:30 in the morning

I found it when my little girl called me Angie

And when my little dude run to hug me

I found it on people from all over the world

People that are not here anymore

I had lots of love back home

Lots of kids and family but all that is gone

I felt lost for a while, lost and hurt inside

I forgot how to love myself and how to believe it as well

But I got lucky again,

Lucky to have people with me

People who really care

I found love once again when I looked at my mirror

I found a reflection over there

I found her wounded but ready to fight and forget about her favorite pillow

That one she held so tight and scared

That one she felt the closest to a friend

I saw her dreaming again

And smile like a kid playing a dumb game

I found love again in me

Love that I thought it was forbidden to get

Love that I had forgotten the good it makes

And how amazing it feels to rise up from death

I was on my highest, my purest self

I was ready to get out and explore all around

But nobody told me someone was waiting

Someone I met so long ago

Someone I liked and I was also waiting for

She is just amazing, a dream come true

She brought with her light and so much hope

And her perfect smile changed my world

She brought me home and held me tight

She opened up, we talked for hours

We opened cans, smoked cigars

We hugged each other every night

We laughed, we dreamed

We smiled and played

And now you have me here writing about her

She is perfect, she is the one

And I found love in every single detail she has

So here we go once again

Love is being patient and chasing me for a while

But God I’m so lucky she brought it with her at the perfect time.

[rojacrc]

Skin

Soft “white” vest full of marks

Birth marks

Stretch marks

Wound marks

Ink marks

A whole journey, too wide to explore

To know

To feel

To smell

To get

Full of happy stories

Anecdotes

Scars

Tattoos

Injustices

Covered in pain

Shame

Fat

Dead cells

Smooth hair

It has power

Sweat

Wrinkles

Color

Freckles

Carries somebody

Her feelings

Her passions

Her dreams

Her baggage

Has suffered mutilation

Damage

Cuts

Hate

Repulsion

Many have discovered

Explored

Touched

Tasted

Hurt

But nobody can fix the rolls

The lines

The spots

The tone

The burns

It’s beautiful

Fantastic

Amazing

Gorge

Mesmerizing

Only if I could see its details

Capacity

Value

Audacity

Resilience

I would be able to be happier

Safer

Better

Stronger

Wiser

To love my skin,

The one that captures almost all of me.

[rojacrc]

I’m so happy, I’m coming back to myself again. What a wild and long ride but it was totally worth it. I’m okay, I’m fine and I know for sure that I’m gonna survive.

[rojacrc]

Come here!

Take your pills

Enjoy your meals

Wipe your tears

Make new deals

Shut your fears

Hang out with your peers

Chase your dreams

Drink some beers

Collect souvenirs

Pay your bills

Celebrate new years

Conquer hills

Adjust some gears

Help someone ill

Jump frontiers

Be kind with Queers

Learn a new skill

Call someone "Dear"

Try to be clear

Drive to find a mill

Stay always near

Use a grill

Build something with a drill

Pursue a little trip

Dance on every pier

Bite your lover's lip

Share your last chip

Wait but be sincere

Look for someplace chill

Travel to Brazil

Watch a premiere

Heal something severe

Ask for a refill

Fly like a hornbill

Repeat what wasn't hear

Leave the party

Run as fast as a raindeer

Write a letter

Buy a bestseller

Let yourself free

Talk about all this

And then repeat...

#Writing #Therapy #Anxiety #Mantalhealth

[rojacrc]

I am tired of being alone, tired of not being able to kiss, to hug, to hold somebody on my chest.

I am tired of being depressed, deep inside this hole where I cannot find a way to escape. I am exhausted of trying, I do not want to try to be okay, I just want to rest.

Maybe for now, for a couple of days, maybe weeks or for ever. I do not know, I do not know who I am anymore.

I am lost, tired and lost, I want to love and be loved. I want someone who is going to stay for a long walk, someone who is ready to stop this decadent run.

I know I am not ready, I know it is better for me to be alone. But maybe, just maybe someone out there needs human touch as well.

Maybe it is me, maybe I am the one pushing to hard, to fast and not so neat. Maybe I am the one making all the mistakes and leaving everyone with no other option but to run very far away...

From me.

#depressing poem #sad but true #just sad #im tired

[rojacrc]

El mundo está tan lleno de mierda y decadencia que poco de nuestra atención se centra en las maravillas que nos rodean.

Tanto nos han hecho daño, lastimado y roto en mil pedazo que ya poco interés nos queda en compartir los desgastados retazos.

Nuestras miradas cambian, las sonrisas se opacan y cuando nos damos cuenta tenemos la tristeza tatuada tan profunda que nos desestabiliza el alma.

Entonces muchos piensan, "Para qué seguir aquí muriendo de desdicha y mucha pena". Lo siento, no es aquí, no encontrarán cierre bonito a tan deprimente escena.

#sad but true #just sad #depressing poem #writing

[rojacrc]

Sometimes being alone get boring, annoying, sad, depressing... Sometimes being alone just kinda make you wanna die.

#beach #sunset #loneliest #sad but true

[rojacrc]

I Coudn’t Turn Around

I’m here now, it’s a whole new world but

I keep thinking even when it’s a perfect sunny day;

That I couldn’t see my mom’s face when I was leaving her there

 Maybe I thought I would be fine and won’t miss her.

But even in the coldest nights, those that are my favorites,

I can stop thinking

that I couldn’t see my mom’s face when I was leaving her there

 Or was I acting brave

Being stubborn or just a jerk

But to be quite honest, I’m the biggest coward of all

Because I couldn’t see my mom’s face when I was leaving her there

 However, it was the right thing to do

I did it to avoid me an ugly cry

Maybe I couldn’t see my mom’s face when I was leaving her there

Because I’m hoping to see her again

 I want to change that

I want to change the fact that

I couldn’t see my mom’s face when I was leaving her there

 I want to see her again,

Not crying, not being sad

Maybe this time I would be able to see her face

And never say goodbye again

#Mom #goodbye #travel #sad but true

[rojacrc]

Tú que me lees

Recuerda

Nunca es tarde para soñar

Vivir

Gozar

Nunca es tarde para brindar por aquellos que se fueron

Que ya no están

Aprecia lo que tienes

Tus amigos

Familiares

Amores y pretendientes

Pero nunca, por favor NUNCA

Olvides

Ignores

Des por alto

A las personas que te educan

Te aman

Te admiran

Te sueñan

Te extrañan

Por más difícil y tedioso que encuentres el camino

Tú sabrás llegar a salvo y

Con la frente en alto

A tú anhelado destino

Por ahora solo respira

Confía

Vive, ama, sueña, crece

Que la vida misma se encargará

De entregarte todo lo que has añorado siempre!

#apoyoemocional #noterindas #Respira #Vive #Ama #Sueña

[rojacrc]

The perfect song

It was late at night

I think it was summer, because it was hot

I was using my earphones to avoid the light

Then, all of the sudden O played

I think, it was summer my skin felt hot

But the calmness of the song made me forget it all

Then, all of the sudden the song played, again

And lucky me, It came to me like a shot in my skull

But the calmness of the song made me forget it all

I typed down every thought

And those came to me like a shot in my gut

It felt right, it connected perfectly

To what I felt about her

I typed down every thought

And it made me cry a lot

Then, all of the sudden O played, again

I might have turned off the shuffle mode

And lucky me, It came to me like a shot in my skull

The idea, the motivation to talk about her

Even though every single time it makes me cry a lot

I just remember it was a summer night

But I can’t remember to have turned off the shuffle mode

However, O kept playing, again and again

Maybe it was a sing to come back to her

But I can´t, everything is done

And the idea, the motivation to talk about her

Needs to stop for now on

Because every single time that I heard O

It reminds me of her and makes me cry a lot

I just need to rest and turn the light off

I think it is summer again cause I’m feeling warm

Or maybe it’s her knocking on my door

#nature #memoir #love poem #poetry #summer #writing #Spotify

[rojacrc]

Even if everything is done

Even if my live ends today

Even if everything gets broken

Or we forget all we did one day

Even if, my live ends today

Tomorrow is gonna be better

Unless everything is still the same way

Maybe tomorrow we'll get to rest

Tomorrow!! I know is gonna be better

And all we have to do is celebrate

Even if we forget to get some rest

Our lives have so much to give and take

At the end, we only need to celebrate

To get stronger because

Our lives have so much to give and take

From and to the ones we met one day

Because, we need to get stronger

We need to forgive and forget

Even the ones we met

That hurt our heart and never regret

Forgive and forget, things that are hard to say

But at the end of the day

Regret from the ones we hate

Is never the answer to a better death

But the end of the day is always coming

Even if was a perfect one to be alone

But being alone doesn't give us a better death

We need people with kind souls

Even, if it feels amazing being alone

The end to our story is close enough

To remember those kind souls

That reminded us to keep going

Even if everything is done!

#pantoum #poetry #poems on tumblr #loneliest #keepgoing #strength

[rojacrc]

En la inmensidad de el universo, venimos siendo esa mínima parte. Esa que no sabe cómo vivir, cómo agradecer, cómo crecer, cómo seguir adelante.

Allí es cuando todo se torna borroso. Cuando todo se distorsiona y se mueve lentamente. Esto es un sueño, un mal sueño.

Tendré que despertar para darme cuenta de lo que tengo, he logrado y podré lograr...

O quizás no?!

[rojacrc]

Había olvidado lo mucho que me gustaba escribir.

Es que siempre se reducía a poesía emocionada y barata producida por alguien más.

Nunca escribí para mi o porque yo quisiera hacerlo

Necesito dejar mi legado. Es lo único que podré dejar al mundo.

Mis palabras

Mis imagenes

Mis memorias

Pero tengo que plasmarlas y recordar cómo escribir de nuevo.

Sin que rime, sin que suene bonito, sin que sea producto de una musa pasajera.

Creo que ese tipo de escritura es la que nos sana, la que nos vuelve a poner los pies en la tierra, el corazón en la mano y la mente fresca.

Me brindaré este espacio para recordarme a mi misma

Lo mucho que me gusta escribir

[rojacrc]

It's being amazingly overwhelming noticing how time passes by. It's being just 5 months away from home, family and lovers. I mean. I don't really miss them, but I'll never see them again!!!

[rojacrc]

"-¿Pero tú me amas?— Preguntó Alicia.

-¡No, no te amo!— Respondió el Conejo Blanco.

Alicia arrugó la frente y comenzó a frotarse las manos, como hacía siempre cuando se sentía herida.

-¿Lo ves?— Dijo el Conejo Blanco.

Ahora te estarás preguntando qué te hace tan imperfecta, qué has hecho mal para que no consiga amarte al menos un poco.

Y es por eso mismo que no puedo amarte.

No siempre te amarán Alicia, habrá días en los cuales estarán cansados, enojados con la vida, con la cabeza en las nubes y te lastimarán.

Porque la gente es así, siempre acaba pisoteando los sentimientos de los demás, a veces por descuido, incomprensiones o conflictos con sí mismos.

Y si no te amas al menos un poco, si no creas una coraza de amor propio y felicidad alrededor de tu corazón, los débiles dardos de la gente se harán letales y te destruirán.

La primera vez que te vi hice un pacto conmigo mismo : "¡Evitaré amarte hasta que no hayas aprendido a amarte a ti misma!"

Por eso, Alicia, no, no te amo."

- Atribuido a Lewis Carroll

[rojacrc]

“Salía con una chica que parecía de otra galaxia, que se ponía bien contenta cuando comía algo rico, que me la hacía de pedo por fumar y por ella dejé el puto cigarro, porque quería que le durara pa' siempre.

Salía con una chica que me enseñó a ir lento, que me escribió cartas y me regaló una plantita, que un día me llegó de sorpresa al trabajo y no pude con mi cara pendejo de tanta emoción al verla.

Salía con una chica que hizo que me olvidara de todas, y es que el problema no eran las demás chicas, el problema era que ninguna de ellas tenía ese encanto increíble y esos ojitos tan pinches preciosos.

Salía con una chica que me abrazaba fuerte, que despertaba ultra pinche guapa, que me tomaba de la mano siempre al caminar, que se detenía a darme besos en medio de la calle y usaba mi pecho como almohada para dormir.

Salía con una chica a la que seguido hacía enojar, y se enojaba tan lindo, que juro que aunque me mandara a la verga seguía viéndose jodidamente hermosa y cabronamente chula, la muchacha.

Salía con una chica que sólo pasa una vez en la vida, una de esas que son reales y no perfectas, una de esas que se te clavan tan profundo en el pecho que ya jamás las sacas, y la dejé ir, por imbécil”.

Una chica de otra galaxia.

-Emmanuel Zavala