sagirah

[sagirah]

“I think that’s what’s wrong with the world; no one says what they really feel, they always hold it inside. They’re sad, but they don’t cry. They’re happy, but they don’t dance or sing. They’re angry, but they don’t scream. Because if they do, they feel ashamed and that’s the worst feeling in the world. So everyone walks with their heads down and no one sees how beautiful the sky is..”

— gothigh2fly

[sagirah]

I'm sitting here and I'm just thinking like, has anyone actually ever liked me? I feel like people just use me for a period of time until they find someone way better and then I just get left. I don't think anyone feels excited to talk to me or that I'm anyones first choice. I'm just the background character in everyone's life

[sagirah]

There are these days, these moments - I look in the mirror and just think to myself:

Holy shit, how did you manage to survive all this crap?

[sagirah]

Bad? No, I'm not getting bad again". This isn't something temporary.

This is the state I've been in for a long time. But when I become mentally exhausted from all the pretending, that's when you see it too. It's getting bad again for YOU.

Because for me, this is something I have to deal with every day. Every hour. Every moment.

I'm only showing you the tip of my emotions, because if I let you see it all, you won't be able to comprehend how I'm even still alive. You've seen nothing.

[sagirah]

I was taught young how to be stone-cold, self-reliant, I learned from early on to only cry behind closed doors, on dim lights, without sound, to howl in pain silently, to break down without anyone knowing, and to never ask for help.

Because when no one sees you suffering, do you really suffer? Much like, when a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? I can always just pretend that whatever pains me never happened, and I can always go back and face the world pretending I'm okay.

[sagirah]

You make everyone around you feel seen.

That is your superpower.

[sagirah]

Just a friendly reminder that the brain of those who have suffered trauma is physically different than a "normal brain". Trauma and abuse has a severe, long-term psychological and neurological effect. This is why you have difficulty concentrating, why you have trouble sleeping, why you can't seem to stay focused, why you cry at the drop of the hat, why you're not satisfied with yourself, why you think everything is your fault, why you think you're toxic, why you're full of regret and you don't know why.

And get this. When you experienced this trauma, no matter how long it happened or how many times, your brain instantaneously made judgments about the world, your sense of self, and others. This is why you're paranoid. Why you trust no one. Why you perceive things to exist that aren't true in reality. It's why people say you're crazy, overdramatic, or too emotional.

You may not heal in a day, but know this: it is not your fault. Your brain is responding to trauma

[sagirah]

Even if you hear a bad story about me, understand, there was a time I was good to those people too, but they won't tell you that part.

[sagirah]

One day, you will tell

people how you pulled

yourself out of the

ocean,

When you could not

even swim.

[sagirah]

There are people reading this who

survived not just childhood, but large

chunks of their lives by focusing

almost exclusively on other peoples'

wants and needs.

And who, now, are virtual strangers

to their OWN wants and needs.

It's time to get to know yourself.

[sagirah]

“Some of us aren’t meant to belong. Some of us have to turn the world upside down and shake the hell out of it until we make it our own place.”

— Elizabeth Lowell

[sagirah]

“Trust yourself. You’ve survived a lot. And you’ll survive whatever is coming.”

— Unknown

[sagirah]

“There’s really no shortcut to forgetting someone. You just have to endure missing them everyday until you don’t anymore.”

— Unknown

[sagirah]

The best gift you ever gave me was a new perspective. Because before you, my biggest fear was being alone..

After you, my biggest fear was settling.

[sagirah]

“Quitting’s not hard. Deciding to quit is hard. Once you make that mental leap, the rest is easy.”

— Gayle Forman, Where She Went

[sagirah]

Your pretty little soul dances on,

Even when it has been through the worst,

It pulls it's self up and marches on,

Swaying with all the moments that linger around it's mind,

Floating through the good and bad times alike,

Healing itself and inspiring others,

It has never been a quitter,

As it shall always remain divine.

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[sagirah]

“I want to look back and say that I was alive. That I didn’t turn my back. That I tried. That I was happy.”

— Evelyn Waugh, Brideshead Revisited