saikoswritings

[saikoswritings]

Clouds

All day, it just feels like I've been floating on them. Especially since the first thing I got to hear this morning when I woke up was your voice. And when you said you wanted to see me, I legit thought I was still dreaming. But after getting confirmation that you did wanna see me, I was just stunned. Though it was a nice welcomed surprise & I didn't mind canceling my previous plans because seeing you is always more important to me. The moment I saw you pull in my driveway, I could already feel the butterflies in my chest. My heart was just so immensely happy to see you & finally get to have you in my arms again. And I already know that today is going to be permanently etched into my brain until the next time I see you. From getting everything I've been wanting & longing for, for the past few weeks. And getting that reassurance from you when I started to cry from just missing you & you being right there for me. Showering me with endless compliments & kisses trying to make me feel better again. Not to mention how many times you said you loved me & just me being able to feel all of your love made me cry a little more. But then, just ending our time together on a great note after we cuddled & took a nap together. And just getting to feel so relaxed & content with everything while you had your arms wrapped around me & kept me close to you. Or how we both agreed that not seeing each other for almost 3 weeks was way too long. But at least I have the memory of this amazing day to keep me company until I'm able to see your handsome face again.

~Gifs Are Not Mine~

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[saikoswritings]

Conflicted

How I currently feel. You say you miss me & I wanna believe you. But if you did truly miss you the way I missed you, wouldn't you do everything in your power to try to see me or spend some time with me? Even if it was only for an hour? It'd at least be better than the 2 weeks we've not seen each other. I get it your busy working & whatnot, but I know for a fact that if I wasn't so deathly afraid of driving & had my own car I'd do everything in my power to go out of my way & make that time to see you. Just like when you say you love me. Most of the time, you only say that when we're together. You rarely say it while we're taking on the phone or texting. So am I just supposed to think that you do love me even if you don't say it? I want to I really do, but after everything I've had to deal with & have been through in my past sometimes it's easier for you to just tell me how you feel rather than me trying to guess. I know my worth & I know what I deserve & how I deserve to be treated. Just whenever I think about the person I wanna be with for a long time when it comes to those things, you're the only person I want that stuff with. I just wish I knew if you really did feel the same way or if this is just a temporary thing to you. Because I know you tell me you want me in your life & that I'm irreplaceable, but honestly, how do I know you're not telling that to someone else at the same time? You know for a fact that you have my heart & we've talked about it. I just wish I knew for certain who had yours because most days I don't feel like it's me. And I know you've told me you enjoy & love everything we do together & that I'm the only person you wanna give your love & affection to. Amongst other things. Just still, I just want to hear from your own lips that you choose me. But again, who knows if that day will ever come. I hope it does, just I wonder if you do too.

~Gifs Are Not Mine~

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[saikoswritings]

Emptiness

The only feeling I have with everything currently going on. Afraid of not knowing what's going on anymore. Not knowing where I stand with you. Not knowing if we even have a relationship anymore. Or if you just made the choice to silently leave me. Wondering if today's gunna be another day filled with nothing but silence followed by the steady stream of my tears. Walking on the border of just giving up complete hope & giving into the darkness or trying to hold onto the slim chance that today might be better. Just the only thing that would make it better is the one who I haven't talked to in a few days. Maybe this is Odin's way of telling me I'm just not supposed to be happy or find real happiness. Because just when I think everything is going amazing is always when everything comes crashing down around me. So maybe I'll just go quietly into that darkness & finally be able to let go of all the pain & weight I've been carrying for a majority of my life.

~Gifs Are Not Mine~

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[saikoswritings]

Incomplete

The feeling I get from missing your lips against mine. Or from not having your skin pressed against mine. Feeling like a chunk of my heart is missing the longer I go without seeing you. Wishing I was next to you just so I could feel you put your hand on my leg. Or so I could put my hand on the back of your neck & play with your hair. It's those small things that may not seem like much to others, but to me, it's those things that hold the most meaning & value. Or those soft little moments we have when you kiss my knuckles or pepper me with endless forehead kisses. Or those rare moments where I fully let my guard down & try to stop you from leaving by sitting on you & trusting you enough to know that you're not gunna drop me or hurt me like others have done in the past. Before you, I absolutely hated when someone tried to pick me up. But the first time you did, I instantly felt all those negitive thoughts disappear. So now a part of me looks forward & wants you to just pick me up & carry me more. Just like a lot of the fears I had before I met, you have just completely vanished now. For once in my life, I actually feel like parts of me have healed & that having you in my life is the reasoning behind it. Just like whenever I'm with you, I'm the happiest I've ever been. And I know at times I may be a little too clingy, but can you honestly blame me when you make me feel this good. You're literally like a drug to me & I can never get enough.

~Gifs Are Not Mine~

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[saikoswritings]

Proud

It's how I feel whenever I look at you or when the only thought in my head is that's my man. Forgetting at times that you're younger than me because of the imense amount of maturity you continuously show in our relationship. Especially in these few months that we've been in each others lives. Being extremely thankful for having someone like you in my life. Loving how I get to call you mine or loving when you say that I'm yours. Falling deeper & deeper in love with you every day that we get to share or spend together. Never wanting my time with you to come to an end. Wishing that that I could spend every day with you, but still cherishing the time I do get to spend with you. Even if it's only for a short little while. And never wanting you to leave when our time together is over even if I know I'll be seeing you again in a few hours or the next day.

~Gifs Are Not Mine~

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[saikoswritings]

Fields

Quietly watching the sun set through the distant clouds. As the outside world shifts from day to night. Listening to all the creatures of the night slowly making their presence known to the rest of the world. Slowly shifting to get a more comfortable on the blanket that's been laid out by the only person in a lonely field. Surrounded by nothing but long grass & beautiful wildflowers. Similing contently at the breeze that rolls through every so often. As if to remind you that you really aren't as alone as you think. Staring up to the night sky & watching as the stars in the sky slowly start to reveal themself. Getting so lost in the beautiful sceneray that they fail to notice the person slowly encroaching on them. Only taking note of their prescence when they feel a weight on the blanket next to them. That smile on their face growing even more when they realized who it is that joined them. The one person who they've been missing & longing for most recently. Feeling their smile permanately etch into their face as the second person gently places a wildflower in their hair that's almost as beautiful as them. Then, once again, getting comfortable, but this time, it's in the arms of the one they love the most. Slowly going back to watching the stars in the sky & slowly begginging to drift off to sleep, but not before they feel a gentle kiss placed to their temple.

~Gifs Are Not Mine~

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[saikoswritings]

Missing You

This feeling of longing I have for you. I know it's partly because I just haven't had any one on one time with you this week because of everything that's been going on. Quietly wondering if I'll be able to have that quality time with you sooner rather than later. Mainly because I just don't know how much longer I can go without seeing you. And I don't mean it in a negative way. I mean it as I just miss you & want nothing more than to do all those things we've been talking about recently. Mainly you just giving me all your love & affection because we both know how much I realy need it after how I've been feeling these past few days. But I am happy that despite me being in such a low mood, you've been able to make me smile. Whether it be from simple texts reassuring me or you answering when I call you "babe." It's just those soft little things that have been helping me feel better. I just wish I was able to have you next to me telling me & showing me just how much you love me or how much I mean to you. It's just that physical connection with you that I'm really missing the most right now.

~Pictures Are Not Mine~

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[saikoswritings]

Hope

Checking my phone every few minutes, hoping that it'll go off & be a message or call from you. Trying to organize all my thoughts so my entire mind isn't just consumed by thoughts of you. Hoping that today I'll be able to see you because right now you're the only kind of medicine I need. Hoping that you can sense how much I need & want you next to me through the messages I send you or words I tell you. Because right now, nothing else matters to me than just getting to see your face right now. Or just having your entire presence invade all of my senses. The longer I go without seeing you, the more I feel like a part of me is missing or incomplete. And feeling like you're the only one who can make me whole again.

~Gifs Are Not Mine~

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[saikoswritings]

Loved

It's how you make me feel even when I'm crying my eyes out & feeling at my lowest. Just you being there for me when I need it the most. Taking the time to listen to my thoughts or concerns even if it's spurred from another one of my manic episodes. You being the only thing that's able to calm me & help ground me again. Those tears of saddness soon turning into tears of happiness from your soft sweet words, that coming from anyone else I'd question the meaning of. But coming from you, I know they're all true. Never being able to fully express to you just how much those words mean to me. Or how I'll always cherish them & never take them for granted. Part of me wanting that soft side of you to come out more often because it's one of the things I love most about you. But at the same time, not wanting to push or force anything & just letting those things happen naturally. Just like every time you tell me you love me. Never have those words sounded sweeter or meaningful than when they're coming from your lips. If I could, I would just take all those sweet words & I love you's & just bottle them up so I could keep them forever. But sometimes what I really want is nothing more than to just be in your arms while you tell me all those sweet words, even if they made me cry. At least they'd be tears of happiness.

~Gifs Are Not Mine~

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[saikoswritings]

Pain

Head hurting from the migraine attack I woke up. Trying to hold myself together despite the amount of pain I'm in. Trying to relax & find something that'll help take away the pain. Trying to keep an empty mind because even thinking about anything makes my head hurt more. But I can't stop myself from thinking about you. Wishing you were here taking care of me. Making me feel better or forget about the pain I'm feeling. Wanting nothing more than to just curl up in your arms as you hold me. Telling me that everything will be okay. Hoping that today will be the day where you message or call me saying your gunna stop over. Because today's the kind of day where I really just need you.

~Pictures Are Not Mine~

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[saikoswritings]

Raindrops

Watching as the clouds darken & as the rain slowly begings to pour from them. Listening to all the tiny drops landing on the leaves in the tree above me. Not minding the few drops that land on me occasionally. Seeing the weather as a reflection of my own emotions. The raindrops acting as the tears I'm holding myself back from shedding while I'm still missing you. Sitting & just taking the moment in. Not letting my sadness overtake me & reminding myself that just like this rain, my feelings of sadness will to soon pass. But still, my mind can't help but wander off to you again. Wondering what you're up to. Wondering if I'm on your mind. But then slowly pulling myself back to reality & not letting myself get consumed with my own thoughts because the last thing I want is to accidentally ruin my own mood.

~Gifs Are Not Mine~

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[saikoswritings]

Restlessness

Another night spent filled with dreams of only you. Not wanting to wake up & face reality. But getting to the point where my body doesn't wanna sleep anymore, so I don't have any other choices but to finally get up. Feeling a twinge of sadness in my heart, spending another day without you next to me. Trying to find ways to distract myself, but only ending up having a head full of thoughts solely about you. Wondering when the next time I'll hear from you will be. Wondering if today might be the day where I get to have you back in my arms where you belong. But also telling myself that if today's not that day, it's okay & I can wait another day if I have to. But that doesn't stop the feeling of longing for you & just missing having your presence around me. Trying my hardest not to let those feelings turn into pure sadness & instead looking at it with fondness knowing that it's not just my heart that misses you, but also my brain & my body. Having a sense of happiness that my entire being wants nothing more than to have you by my side & be the only person in my personal space.

~Gifs Are Not Mine~

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[saikoswritings]

Dreams

Tired. Halfway between having another endless dream about you & on the verge of waking up. Eyes slowly opening. Did my phone go off, or am I just imagining things again? Sleepily, I check it & my brain doesn't register who the message was from. Sleep slowly lulls me back to sleep until my phone goes off again. This time, I stir & my brain starts to come out of slumber as I check my phone again. Smiling when I see your name on my screen. Smiling even more when I see the multiple messages you've sent me. Quietly thankful that you're still awake when I reply to your message. That happiness soon turning into feelings of longingness & just missing each other. Being able to openly express that to one another. Feeling immensely happy that you feel the same way I do. Having a small sense of pride knowing I was the last one who got to talk to you before you drifted off to sleep yourself. Quietly hoping you'd dream about me the same way I had been about you. Having a heart filled with love while I slowly let sleep overtake me again. Holding onto the hope that it won't be long before I get to see your smiling face again & finally get to have my arms wrapped about you again.

~Pictures Are Not Mine~

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[saikoswritings]

The Girl

As I watch the sun start to set within the clouds, my mind can't help but wander to you again. Wondering if you're thinking about me. Thinking about the next time you'll see me face to face will be. Or the next time you'll be able to have your arms around me. I know you have a lot going on & that you're only a text away if I need you. But still, even with knowing that my mind can't help but have thoughts of you. My favorite person, my only person, my happiness, my love, my everything. No matter where I look, something always reminds me of you or gives me flashbacks of memories we've shared & that I cherish deeply. I know that you're not fully mine, but in the ways it matters most you are. Just from the things we talk about or you tell me words don't have to be spoken for us to express our feelings towards one another. There is a longing feeling for the day that I finally get to fully call you mine. Just like there's a longing to just be able to spend an entire night with you & when I wake up, have you still be there next to me. I'm not entirely sure if you share those same feelings, but a part of me hopes that you do.

~Gifs Are Not Mine~

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