shetriedandsheconquered

[shetriedandsheconquered]

Mental Health & Medication

I’m not actually sure how to even start this.

Medication for all of my mental health disorders have helped me a lot in feeling more ‘normal’ what ever that is. Although to a degree that medication isn't always the first thing doctors etc should go to. 

From my own personal experience I was on anti-depressants (Citalopram) for over I'd say around a year before they was changed because they wasn't helping me at all ands then the start of 2020 was when they was changed to Sertraline. Which I won't deny started as a easy journey I've ended up on one of the higher doses of Sertraline and until this dose to me it didn't feel as if they was working either.

Around August 2020 I started private counselling/therapy and that has helped me tremendously, my counsellor is amazing and so Is her in training therapy dog (who likes to do what he wants). I decided to start private treatment because for me I felt that the mental health services where I live weren't the best since they're obviously so overworked and understaffed and I just felt like I was a number to them not an actual person with issues that I needed help for at that time in my life, I felt as if I couldn't wait on the very long waiting lists that they have.

Bri

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#ptsd #ptsd recovery #living with ptsd #ptsdsupport #anxiety #Anxiety Disorder #living with anxiety #Panic disorder #mental health #mental disorder #mentally ill #living with mental illnesses #recovery #Childhood Trauma #illgetthere #progress #slow but steady

[shetriedandsheconquered]

This Whole Year

So this whole year has been a very interesting one, for me its not been very lucky though I was lucky since I work in retail so throughout these pandemic lockdowns I've been working although my mental health would definitely disagree. 

Between having panic attacks about just going into work to then losing my grandmother this year has been far from easy. The strange part is this pandemic hasn't phased me at all my response to it has been “if I get it, I get it”, the part that has hit me is being in isolation as someone I live with has tested positive. I can't leave the house and be in control of what I do, I understand why but when you have to be in control as a coping mechanism for you're severe anxiety and you can't be its not fun. 

Losing my grandmother was strange for me because I didn't react how you'd think I would, I went quiet yes you could tell I wasn't exactly happy but I didn't bawling my eyes out I was calm and it shocked me. I haven't been back to work since she died as I've been isolating so that shall be fun my first shift back. 

#ptsd #ptsd recovery #living with ptsd #anxiety #Panic disorder #Anxiety Disorder #living with anxiety #ocd #living with ocd #childhood trauma #recovery #one day at a time #mental health #living with mental illnesses

[shetriedandsheconquered]

Recently

Life always goes 100mph for me and never slows down, so far over the last few months I've had my ups and downs although to me it feels like more downs than ups. I've gone from actually not having a panic attack regularly and no chest pains at all to recently them both coming back with what feels like a vengeance. 

It’s officially been over a year since I moved out of living with my mother and although how awful that year has been I'm glad I went through it, everything I've been through and still going through to be is just showing how strong I am. I started this year in hospital being told that my medications needed to be changed and that I needed to have a blood test which turned into having a few blood tests. I called the police on my mother because when I went round to get my things that she was holding hostage (passport, spare car key etc) I was told to go and kill myself by my mothers partner while my mother was standing next to her and she didn’t say anything. So much for putting your kids first. 

I’ve lost count at the amount of tears I've shed and how much I've put my partner through with the amount of stress and anxiety. Private counselling is helping me tremendously, I chose to pay for my own counselling to help get over my childhood trauma which has said to have given me PTSD. Through. my counselling sessions its come to light that I have severe separation anxiety from my partner and I constantly fear I will lose him because of my abandonment issues as a child. Ive nearly read over 40 books this year and thats my escape from my reality and even then the types of books I read (teen & YA) can trigger me but its as if I read them to sort of read about what my head thinks will happen but with it being a book its not real and thats like a safety net for me.

For all the negative stuff that has happened in my life this year, there has been some good parts. On April 12th my partner proposed and made me the happiest girl in the world. With all my struggles at work I've gained 2 amazing friends Tom & Haydon. Both of them help keep me distracted from my anxiety when were working together as well as get on my nerves but what male doesn't? 

Bri

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#Anxiety Disorder #living with anxiety #anxiety #Panic disorder #ocd #living with ocd #ptsd #ptsd recovery #living with ptsd #ptsdsupport #it gets easier

[shetriedandsheconquered]

Flashbacks

You've got to love having Flashbacks right?

Mine terrify me. Having a extremely troubling childhood and even to an extent my life currently thanks to my childhood. 

Most nights while I try to sleep or oddly during the day these flashbacks appear. So far all the flashbacks I get seem to come from when I was around 5/6 years old, they consist of the time my dad said to me how he never wanted me to be born and then 4 days later he left for the last time, I was 11. Funniest thing about that one is I now work in the place where he told me it. 

Another and the most recently one to appear is when my dad decided to leave me, my mum, my brother and sister at the side of a roundabout in Leicester because he couldn't find the place we was going to and got annoyed, I was 5.

My dad once hit me in the neck and gave me a nose bleed and moaned about giving me one because at that time he had to be a parent. I was 7/8.

The most vivid one I have is seeing my dad throwing up in the toilet when I went to the toilet because he attempted an over dose and failed it scared me of the toilet which thinking now is kind of funny being scared of a toilet but I was probably 4/5 didn't fully understand what was happening but as I grew up I started to understand.

Although with this one I wasn't actually there when it happened but was told after. My dad once while I was in middle school a few months after he left he came into the school demanding to see me which isn't allowed and the school office knew what was going on so they was already protective of me and when ever I needed someone to talk to they was there when no one else was. 

The final one that I can remember off the top of my head is having my parents argue I was probably 9/10. They'd been arguing for over an hour and my brother got fed up with the arguing so he came downstairs and said to me and my sister “they're still arguing shall I call the police”. When the police did come round I found it odd when they asked me what school I went to while I was wearing my school uniform. I got quite used to the police coming around.

Bri

x

#living with ocd #ocd #ptsd #living with ptsd #living with anxiety #ptsd recovery #anxiety disorder #panic disorder #mental health #baby steps #mental disorder #keepmovingforward #recovery #longroad

[shetriedandsheconquered]

Stupid things

It’s extremely frustrating having small things start to trigger your anxiety. You can be completely fine and then all of a sudden you’re not. You start to question and overthink everything and it drives you crazy, it makes you feel as if you’re going backwards into a downward spiral although you know you’ve come along way and won’t because you have to push against your anxiety.

Currently I keep having ups and downs. I still feel terrified of work and get the odd times while I’m at work that I feel sick but I’m pushing myself through because I know I can’t just not work I have bills to pay for and if I want a future, not working just wouldn’t work. I 100% would be a millionaire if I got money every time I said it just want to be normal’ which I shouldn’t find even the tiniest bit funny but I do.

Right now I feel anxious and I’m getting slight chest pains but it probably doesn’t help I didn’t take my latest update of medications today as I’ve had a day off from work.

Bri

X

#mental health #baby steps #mental disorder #mentally ill #panic disorder #ocd #keepmovingforward #recovery #long road #longroad #ptsd #living with ptsd #ptsd recovery

[shetriedandsheconquered]

Finally receiving my diagnosis

So today is the day I’ve finally been diagnosed with ptsd. No medical professional till now has even suggested I may have ptsd. It feels as if a weight has been completely lifted off my shoulders, I feel as if I’m now beginning to be understood and get the help I need instead of the help they think is the quickest fix.

Bri

X

#mental health #baby steps #mental disorder #mentally ill #ocd #panic disorder #keepmovingforward #recovery #long road #longroad #ptsd #ptsdsupport #living with ptsd #anxiety

[shetriedandsheconquered]

The Rollercoaster

So I actually managed to complete a 5 hour shift and I was super happy about that and it was as if nothing else could kill my mood. Then it dropped and just seems to keep dropping, I keep feeling so close to panic attacks and its really hard when people don't understand and just say “you've got to force yourself and try’, ‘you'll get there’ or ‘its not that hard’ because I can't even be on a zoom call without feeling like I'm going to have a panic attack and as if I'm suffocating.

I've got to go back to having CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) although part of me doesn't think it'll help though they do say third times the charm right?. Just hearing the word ‘Work’ causes me to feel anxious even when I've taken my meds, I have so many triggers that I don't even know them all yet people seem to think I do. 

I got told the other day to get signed off work again although doing that won't help my fear of work that kind of defeats the objective. I just wish my life would fast forward and ill not have to deal with this anymore it really is draining me mentally and sometimes physically as well as the people around me that have to help me through it all. If I got money for how many times I say ‘I just wish I was normal’ or ‘I hate being ill’ i’d probably be rich. 

Even when you find somethings that help calm your anxiety they don't always help, at this current moment it feels to me that nothing is going to help me and ill always be like this, terrified of nearly everything.

Bri

x

#mental health #mentally ill #mental disorder #recovery #ocd #Panic disorder #anxiety #baby steps #long road #keepmovingforward #the badtimes

[shetriedandsheconquered]

Living with my mental illnesses

Everyday isn't all butterflies and flowers. 

My mental illnesses love to stress me out and confuse me, I can go for weeks being majoritly ‘normal’ having no panic attacks or feeling majorly anxious although I still do have my ocd tendencies but I feel I may never lose them. 

When my mental health drops it plummets, I can't even manage a short shift at work and sometimes I can't even manage to start my shift because I have a panic attack just by walking into work. When they occur it makes me feel even worse because I feel as if Ive let everyone down and its as if I beat myself up mentally for not being able to cope.

Having people always assume you’re fine is a blessing and a curse, when all my anxiety started to come out to my bosses one of them said to me ‘you never show that anythings wrong, you hide it so well’ which then comes to never being asked if you’re okay. Since then my bosses always check on me and understand that I am struggling. The oddest part about not being able to manage to finish or start a shift is Ive been told I'm amazing at my job. 

Some things I've discovered to help me when my anxiety has been at its worst is reading and baking. Theres something about doing them two things that does ease my mind and distracts it to what feels like a different world and yes I get not everyone enjoys reading or cooking, I was one of them people last year I don't know what happened but in January I got hooked.

Bri

x

#mentally ill #mental disorder #mental health #recovery #ocd #anxiety #panic disorder #baby steps #long road #keepmovingforward #living with mental illnesses

[shetriedandsheconquered]

Broken Homes

Coming from which can be best described as a broken home isn't easy.

When I was younger my anxiety wasn't very obvious because I was always full of energy and a bubbly child, I did have the hatred of wanting to go to school but I feel most kids have that. It wasn't until my late teens/young adulthood that my anxiety started to really appear. 

I was never a child that was very social nor a child that loved to be outdoors, although during my first year of high school I did develop a love for art which as of recent events I've lost the motivation and passion to be creative but replacing that while I was signed off work in January 2020 for a few weeks I started to bake different desserts/pastries and I started to read lots of books (so far I've read 20 this year).

Realising now with how I grew up I can see how I always lived in fear/survival mode which to this day I still do. Ive been with my partner over a year now and every time were at a family gathering I struggle really badly because I grew up differently, I grew up never seeing my family much, when my siblings were younger they used to always see our cousins but once I was born that all changed. Until I saw how my partners family are I thought my family was how every family was but now I've realised how toxic my family really is/can be whereas my partners family all support each other and communicate regularly.

A little insight into my family. I grew up with a racist father which has in ways past down into my brother but he only does it when he's with or been with my dad. My dads temper both me and my brother inherited although with my brother before his child was born my mother and sister both decided that if my brother raised his voice once to his child that they would take my nephew away, its as if they doubted him as a parent and had no trust in him but I did and he absolutely adores my nephew who is 7 months old and on his way to be walking.

The one thing I've taken from how I've grown up is I'm never going to put my future kids through any of it.

Bri

x

#mentally ill #mental disorder #mental health #recovery #ocd #anxiety #panic disorder #baby steps #longroad #keepmovingforward #illgetthere #brokenhomes

[shetriedandsheconquered]

Comparing yourself to others

As I've started to realise and finding quite hard to deal with at times is comparing yourself to others. 

I see other people all the time and yes part may be jealously but I always feel why can't I be like them? why can't I just be ‘normal’. But for people with mental health issues it isn't that easy. 

When I feel like this its a mix of frustration and sadness, because I know I may be ‘normal’ one day but that may be for quite some time and I also in ways struggle to understand how some people can just get on with their everyday lives and do everyday things that I can't seem to manage.

Being honest with myself I do feel so far behind with my life than other people my age, I would love to have my life in order by having a full time job, being on my way to buying my own house and planning my future. 

Although no matter how much I wish things were I always remember how far I've come and as I saw on Facebook the other day ‘I wasn't ready for half the shit I been through, but obviously I'm built for it.’ and that makes me so proud of myself.

Bri

x

#mentally ill #mental disorder #mental health #anxiety #panic disorder #ocd #recovery #longroad #baby steps #comparing yourself

[shetriedandsheconquered]

The Beginning

You see the girl in the photo?  It shows her pulling a face using a snapchat filter right? Thats me.

What it doesn't show is that this girl has suffered with trauma her whole life. From her dad leaving and coming back again literally like a pinball machine until  she was 11 years old. Her dad was physically and mentally abusive but when she was younger she adored him as that was her dad and she didn't know any different. 

She was bullied throughout her whole time at school, she lost a lot of confidence, she was always terrified to go to school, she had no friends and it also resulting in her struggling in classes. Fast forward to high school where she met her friend Kayte. Kayte was the complete opposite to her. She was outgoing, sporty and extremely smart whereas the girl in the picture was the complete opposite. 

Kayte never left her side throughout high school even with knowing how she was bullied Kayte stayed. After high school they drifted apart going off to do different things. 

While at College the girl in the photo started to gain a little more confidence in herself although she was still terrified, she chose to study Graphic Design as she loved that type of Art. After 2 years she left college finishing her course and decided to get a job instead of go off to University. During my time at college I also lost one of my grandparents and it really hit me hard and id felt that id let him down because the one thing he wanted to see was me drive and that never happened (I didn't pass my driving test till mid 2019).

One day on Instagram I got a DM from someone called Luke, it was completely unexpected and now I'm really good friends with him. While going through some really bad times when id started to self harm and debate suicide he was there for me and helped me stop self harming and from suicide and ill always be grateful for everything he did.

In December 2018, through a mutual friend I started talking to my now Fiancé. At first it was strange but a good strange because I completely allowed myself to open up to him when id only spoken to him for under a week. I told him everything id been through and he didn't run the opposite direction, he listened and accepted it and we decided when he came back from Thailand to make it official (bare in mind we’d only been talking under a month).

While at her first job she got threatened by a shoplifter which as you'd guess dropped her confidence and caused her to have anxiety every time she had to go to work this included quite a lot of tears that my boyfriend dealt with every shift that he dropped me off for. 

Now to the end of 2019, I have a new job and my mothers partner who dislikes my boyfriend for no reason decided that when me and my partner come back from our holiday in Spain that he'd refuse to acknowledge my partner whenever he came over. No-one knew why he disliked my partner, so one day my partner asked him calmly what was his problem, to which my mothers partner decided to become very aggressive but not giving an exact answer. The only thing he said was that my partner had changed me. 

In September 2019, I moved into living with my Grandparents (mothers parents) as I couldn't bare living with my mother and her partner who by that point had moved in and started demanding and controlling everything and deciding he was the man of the house. Since I moved out all my Grandparents and my Aunt as well as me and my partners mother at times have just received abuse from my mother. My mother even tries to cause issues between me and my brother who also moved out into his own place with his partner and child. My brother I have always been close to, he was always there for me looking after me and protecting me, he's always been my father figure thinking about it. 

Since all of this has happened I've been Diagnosed with Severe Anxiety and Panic Disorder as well as OCD which makes its own issues when it comes to work. I have to have 3 different medications just to try and ease my anxiety and I did have therapy but that didn't help me so I am currently having counselling. Through all of this the only time my mother has contacted me is about her wedding (which Coronavirus cancelled haha), i never even got a Happy Birthday on my 21st Birthday from her. My mother only ever seems to criticise me and anything I do even with her coming into my work and causing me to have panic attacks. She still to this day hasn't acknowledged the hurt and issues she has caused me and accuses me of being fine and not mentally ill. 

Through all of this I've got through it with the support of my Aunt and Grandparents, my Partner and his family. Its not been easily but I'm going to get there. 

Bri 

x

#mentally ill #mental disorder #mental health #illgetthere #keepmovingforward #baby steps #anxiety #panic disorder #ocd