sicktomystomack

[sicktomystomack]

having an ed is not fun, it's scary and exhausting and awful. it's not aesthetic. last night i was prerty sure i was dying on my bathroom floor at 3 am. i felt really sick and dizzy and couldn't see anything for a few minutes. it was pitch black and ringing in my ears was the only thing i could hear.

i tried to stand up but after a few steps it started all over again. i had to lay down. i thought i was about to throw up so i had to crawl on all fours back to the bathroom.

i fell asleep on the cold floor because i couldn't stand up. it was a big surprise that i woke up today. i have no clue why this happened. i don't think i can blame this situation on the lack of sugar because i'm pretty sure i ate enough of it yesterday.

we had a family dinner to celebrate my aunt's birthday and they made me eat a slice of cake and drink tea with sugar and honey. also my sister gave me two muffins she baked this morning and i had to eat one.

now i'm completely clueless. what the heck happened last night and why? guess i'll never know. but the problem is i wasn't actually scared. i was just waiting for that to end. i was waiting to die because i felt like i was dying and it didn't scare me. the only concern i had was that i'm going to die pretty.

why am i still alive?..

#tw ed #tw ed stuff #disordered eating tw #ed #pr0 ed #pro ed #pro annnnna #pr0 an4 #pro ana #not pr0 just using tags #notprojustusehashtags #anorekic #anarecia #anarexique #anarekxia #anareksea #anareksic #anareksja #anarecca

[sicktomystomack]

it's 2 am and i suddenly felt the urge to drink coffe. and i'm pretty sure i just got a sign from the above.

this morning i left my flat for the first time in a week to do some grocery shopping and bought a bottle of milk. it's sell-by date was 8th of august. and i just opened the bottle to find out that the milk has somehow gone off.

guess the universe doesn't want me to have any extra calories lol

[sicktomystomack]

three hours ago my mom called me to ask how i was doing, and during our conversation she mentioned she met my childhood friend's parents today and they mentioned that my friend fell in love with someone and started losing weight.

i know her all my life. we were really close as kids before my family moved cities. we used skype to stay in touch, sometimes we visited each other, but as time passed we just stopped talking.

i haven't heard from her in a long long time. last time we saw each other we got drunk and ended up talking about how we both felt we were the dissapointment of our families and how it was impossible to imagine what we were going to do in a few years.

my mom always told me my friend was "a bit fat". it felt like she put hatred into those words. i never understood why. when i was a kid i didn't pay attention to one's body at all, so my mother's words were weird to me.

and now she tells me that the person i once was very close to lost 40 lbs and almost stopped eating because she fell in love and wanted to look better. i asked if mom thought the way my friend lost weight was healthy. she said yes because when you're in love you lose appetite and lose weight and that she was happy my friend finally realised she had to be skinnier than she always has been. sometimes i wonder if my mom is really a therapist and if she is then why she never sees actual problems.

it's so strange and weird that after all those years we're still kinda close.. even if we don't realise that. she probably will never know that we were into the same stuff again: losing weight and becoming as skinny as possible. i would love to tell her i'm here for her. but we haven't talk in so long that i just can't. i became a completely different person. she probably did, too. and now i'm too anxious and depressed to let her know she's not alone.

guess i'm going to cry for the rest if the night. god, i hate this fucking life so much.

#tw ed #ed #tw ed stuff #tw ed content #pro ana #pr0 an4 #pro annnnna #pr0 ed #not pr0 just using tags #only pr0 for myself #anorekic #anarexique #anarecia #anarekxia #anareksea #anarecca #depression #depressed

[sicktomystomack]

i hate this so much. why do i eat all this food when i know i'm going to feel awful about it in a few minutes? i hate being in this ugly body, i hate myself, i want to end this.

i don't even make excuses anymore. i gave up trying to convince myself that it was the last time and from that moment i would never go over my calorie limit because every time i promised to stop binging i was lying. and i know i will overeat again and again and again.

but i still feel so bad after every time it happens. i hate this body and it gets worse and worse after every meal, after every small thing i put in my mouth. i don't want to look like this. i don't want to exist like this.

#ed #tw ed #pro ana #pr0 an4 #pro annnnna #not pr0 just using tags #disordered eating tw #eating disorder #anorekic #anorexik #anarexique #anarecia #anareksja #anarekxia #anareksea #anarecca #only pr0 for myself #anareksic #anarecic

[sicktomystomack]

i binged the last few days and oh god how disgusting it feels to know i've eaten so much. at least today wasn't that bad. i had a cup of tea with milk in the morning and some coffe a few hours ago and that's all. i also exercised for the first time in a week today so i'm kinda proud of myself.

my girlfriend left two days ago. long distance relationship sucks and so does saying goodbye every time. yesterday i was crying all day because i already miss her and when i wasn't crying i was eating so yeah... i feel really bad about myself.

guess only few reasons being here by myself is not terrible are those which my ed brain gives me. i can exercise, restrict, fast and all that stuff, and no one is gonna stop me. i'm not sure if it's good or bad, but anyways at least something feels good,,,

#ed #tw ed #not pr0 just using tags #only pr0 for myself #pro ana #pro annnnna #pr0 an4 #pr0 ed #anarecia #anarexique #anareksea #anarekxia

[sicktomystomack]

okay so i guess it could be worse. i didn't it a lot in the past two days, my girlfriend was surprisingly okay with this. and today i only drank coffe in the morning and ate a bit of chocolate because she was having some sweets and insisted i join her.

but i guess i won't be able to avoid dinner today. she ordered pizza and bought popcorn for a movie night we'll be having. i don't think i'll eat more than one piece but i'm really anxious about all this stuff.

also i think my thigs became a bit thinner. you can't see any changes but it's easier to wrap my hands around them and i'm trying to be thankful even for the small things like this. it is nice to know you're doing progress.

maybe i will fast for longer periods of time in the next couple of days without getting my girlfriend worried. she won't be home for longer periods of time than usual so i may even do actual workouts and still manage to finish all my business before she gets home.

anyways, past days were really nice, i had amazing time and am quite happy about it!!

#ed #tw ed #pro ana #pro annnnna #pr0 an4 #anarecia #anarexique #not pr0 just using tags #only pr0 for myself

[sicktomystomack]

enjoying the feeling of the empty stomack for the first qnd the last time in weeks. haven't eaten anything today and probably will not until 7 am or so. guess i'm having a 36 hour fast but hopefully i can avoid food for a bit longer.

my girlfriend arrives in 7 hours or so and for the next two weeks i won't be able to fast.

but today was surprisingly okay, it definetely was better than most of my days. maybe it's because i'm looking forward to seeing my girlfriend or maybe because i finally felt empty today. i missed this feeling so much during time spent with my family and i am really happy to have at least this 36-hour break from food and feeling huge and disgusting.

i also had a good walk, went to some shops to buy presents for my girlfriend and now i am kinda proud of myself for not buying any food for myself. i bought stuff like milk and eggs to make a surprise breakfast in bed for my girlfriend but did not buy any small snacks or high-calorie foods or sweets. i really wanted to get chocolate but fortunately didn't so now i can fast in peace.

hopefully, i'll be able to have small meals for the next two weeks and my girlfriend won't think much of it. if i have to eat i'm gonna make sure i eat as little as possible.

#tw ed #ed #pro ana #pro annnnna #anarexique #anarecia #anareksea #not pr0 just using tags #only pr0 for myself

[sicktomystomack]

ate about 700 calories today and my brain is telling me that it was too much and i have to burn them but i am so tired i just got home from the airport and i literally can't make myself do anything

before my flight i was with my family and they made me eat with them and oh my god. why do they always have to buy a cake for a dessert and whyyy do i always have to eat it with them. at least my mom is on a diet rigt now and she made some vegetable-based dishes.

and during my flight i couldn't refuse taking the food because i was way too anxious and scared. why does my brain work like this? so i ended up eating a sandwitch there and felt so gross and disgusting oh my god.

also tomorrow my girlfriend is going to arrive and she is the only person who knows about my ed and she promised to look after me. don't get me wrong, i am super excited to see her fir the first time in months. i am just worried about not being in control. i know she won't force me to eat or anything but i also know i won't be able to skip any meals except for breakfast and my mind is telling me by the time she leaves i'll gain so much weight and i can't fall asleep thinking about this shit

why can't i just turn my brain off

#ed #tw ed #pr0 ed #pro annnnna #pro ana #only pr0 for myself #not pr0 just using tags #anarecia #anarexique

[sicktomystomack]

having an ed and hiding it from everyone literally sucks. having an ed sucks. i have no clue if i am faking it, i'm not even sure if i have it, because if i tell anyone in my family they'll probably just force me to eat more.

everyone thinks i am not hungry because of my depression meds and depression in general. and when they invite me to have a dinner with them or something i just try to eat small amounts of food.

i can't show them i am concerned about my weight because i never was. i can't ask anyone about the amount of calories in a meal because i never did that before. everyone thinks i do not care about this stuff at all.

we are on vacation now and i have to eat too much every day. i don't have scales at home because if anyone saw i do they'd be concerned. but i found scales here and it is the only good thing about this place. tomorrow i'm going back home and i am so goddamn scared that i won't be able to weight myself.

i hate it here. i hate myself. i hate my body. god why am i even alive. why is my whole existence so stupid and meaningless. why why why why why why why why why

#tw ed #ed #depression #pro annnnna #pro ana #pr0 ed #pr0 an4 #only pr0 for myself #not pr0 just using tags