soft-pine

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i’ve whispered and walked on eggshells just to choose misery over dispute

some blueberry pie life: chapter 23

hi! i've gotten a few new followers since i last posted a chap of this so i wanted to do a quick re-intro post as well as a chapter update. this fic is my magnum opus, my precious baby. basically it's like a million one-shots that touch on themes from canon-time spn and how they tie into pre-canon and eventually post canon. it's pretty heavy and the beginning is much more of a dean character study than DeanCas per say but we are heading there.

title from Misery Over Dispute by Waxahatchee

notes below!

August, 2002

Sam leaving is mentioned throughout season 1 but this specific convo is a reference to the conversation between Sam and John in 1.20

The house that they were staying in when Sam left for Stanford is shown in 5.16

The reference to Sam begging to come hunting is from 11.08

Dean dropping out of high school and therefore needing to get a GED is a reference to 5.01 and 5.13

The chick-flick comment is a reference to 1.01 and 11.23.

May, 2013

Takes place during and right after 9.03

May, 1993

John sending Dean away when he really pissed him off is something Dean talks about in 14.12

#some blueberry pie life #9531 words #9.03 #im no angel #5.16 #dark side of the moon #gay dean winchester #1520 fix it #15.20 fix it #the long way around #supernatural #spn #fanfic #spn fanfic #spn fic #pre series #john winchester's a+ parenting #weechesters #castiel #deancas #destiel

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SUPERNATURAL 2x01 “In My Time of Dying” | 5x16 “Dark Side of the Moon”

#yeah #:/ #:(

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#dean chuck john #no question #i got you bbg

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Taking a break from my commission with a Destiel pencil sketch :) Taglist, please ask to be added or removed :)

@naughtystiel

@malicmalic

@fivefeetfangirl

@letmeblued

@castielsprostate

@dean-you-assbutt-cas-loves-you

@casdeans-pie

@pattywinchester

@bogwitchatrois

@bloodydeanwinchester

@beregond35

@horrorcas

@charlottemanchmal

@strawlessandbraless

@blue-eyed-cutiepatootie

@thefailcollection

@disabled-dean

@squirrelsarecool

@hauntedpearl

@markofcastiel

@butch--dean 

@rennerator

@sailorsally

@xofemeraldstars

@forkinthegarbagedisposal

@happilyfeatherafter

@universalcas

@riverwithoutbanks-art

@shutupjaff

@magnificent-winged-beast

@sanndh

@mrs-padalecki2341

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It’s played for laughs this time (which is… well). But Dean still calls the faeries “grabby” when asked about being abducted by them. When he gives Sam more details, he says he scared them into giving up on trying to “probe” him, but in a way where it’s clear he still feels violated. Even soulless Sam clocks there’s some things Dean isn’t saying and says “you should take a shower”.

The point being… this is the second time this season Dean is left to feel betrayed by his brother’s passivity when Dean was being sexually molested.

#so true op #gonna cry #this episode is so dark thematically it’s awful how all this stuff is played for laughs #this is the season dean is most vocal about violations like this

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Sam also plies Dean with alcohol to calm him down in 6.09, just like Cas tried in 6.06.

#any time i see a destiel amv that includes that drink pour my heart breaks a little #like guys that is not cute :( #this parallel always fucks me up too #cause he’s desperately begging both of them to be honest about what’s changed in them #and they both know #and they’re both lying #and they’re like #here’s a drink to calm you down #freud would have been like ahh yes the female hysteria </3

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Nine Ball - Dean & John

#SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP #THE SECOND & THIRD CHORUS SCENE LINE UPS #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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GOD LOVES ME I KNOW HE LOVES ME I WANT HIM TO STOP

#HI FOR THE LOVE OF ... well #HOLY SHIT #THIS RIPS!!!!! #cw dean’s death #not a chuck won truther but HOLY MOLY HOLY MOTHER #new edit of all TIMES

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Dean comforting his mother

Saying things he knows will make her feel better, even when they’re not true (though considering how little time Mary actually spent around Dean, she has no way of knowing he’s actually a good cook and isn’t nearly as closed off and hard as she is) or when it’s self-praise he would never give himself under normal circumstances.

It’s also the only kind of “we saved the world” speech from the Winchesters I’m willing to accept…

#amara when i find you its on site #what dean needs most is to having to parent another parent #i think not actually

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nothing NOTHING NOTHING gets me about dean and food more than him getting back from selling his soul to raise sam from the dead and immediately asking him if he's hungry.

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Perhaps the World Ends Here

By Joy Harjo // Supernatural

We chase chickens or dogs away from it. Babies teethe at the corners. They scrape their knees under it.

It is here that

on what it means to be human.

At this table we gossip,

as they put their arms around our children.

They laugh with us

has been a house in the rain, an umbrella in the sun.

We have given birth on this table,

At this table we sing with joy,

We pray of suffering and remorse.

These are just snippets of the entire poem that I made for @deangloriam, @danger-and-diatribes, and @pinkmarshmelo which you can read here!

Full poem below

The world begins at a kitchen table. No matter what, we must eat to live.

The gifts of earth are brought and prepared, set on the table. So it has been since creation, and it will go on.

We chase chickens or dogs away from it. Babies teethe at the corners. They scrape their knees under it.

It is here that children are given instructions on what it means to be human. We make men at it, we make women.

At this table we gossip, recall enemies and the ghosts of lovers.

Our dreams drink coffee with us as they put their arms around our children. They laugh with us at our poor falling-down selves and as we put ourselves back together once again at the table.

This table has been a house in the rain, an umbrella in the sun.

Wars have begun and ended at this table. It is a place to hide in the shadow of terror. A place to celebrate the terrible victory.

We have given birth on this table, and have prepared our parents for burial here.

At this table we sing with joy, with sorrow. We pray of suffering and remorse. We give thanks.

Perhaps the world will end at the kitchen table, while we are laughing and crying, eating of the last sweet bite.

#was just reminded of this #dean and food #feeling so MUCH i could explode

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-So what are you saying?

- I’m saying… eat up.

It’s not that Dean will eat anything. In his own way, in normal circumstances, he’s just as picky as Sam about what he deems worthy of eating. But he will without hesitation eat anything if the alternative is going hungry and becoming vulnerable

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I started mapping out a "Dean and food" gifset in my mind and now I'm :((((((((((

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there's something that fascinates me about spn as a queer monster show specifically. which is that in many monster shows, monstrosity is itself the allegory for queerness: the difference, the ostracization from normative society, the secrets, etc. i am not the first to say this of course. and i'm not saying this doesn't exist in spn to some extent. but something that is very dear to my heart is that to a large extent, the monsters in spn are, in fact, just evil. they're killing kids or projecting wrongs onto innocent people that they then harm or just plain eating people (in the non sexy way). they are separate from society because they are harmful and the consequences for their actions are logical, more often than not. of course, OF COURSE, there are exceptions to this and i really like how spn emphasizes that those exist because it is the moral responsibility of all of us not to harm each other. (side note, i also really enjoy how much spn actually shows how cops, the us military, the us government, and those in power are complicit in the monstrosity). but let's circle back, as i always will, to dean. because i've said before and i'll say again, the fandom’s understanding of dean's morality as "monsters bad / humans good" is wrong. (feel free to take a peak at the monsters vs humans tab of my notes doc.)

but i think because people have that view of him - and because of the monsters as a queer allegory thing so they are the victimized ones which isn’t really how it plays out in spn - there is this association that to come out and truly be a good person or something, dean has to quit hunting. like hunting is something violent and impulsive and evil that he chooses to do because he is angry and wants to take it out on something and once he's admits he’s wrong and let's it go, he can heal.

but he's not wrong. the things he's hunting are petty and selfish and dangerous. and he is desperately, wholly, irrevocably correct in his moral stance against them. (dean had my whole heart as soon as i watched the pilot, but his RAGE at the doctor harming kids in 1.18 got me in ways that i could never fully verbalize).

anyway, all this isn't to say i don't want him to quit hunting! to be honest what i envision is a world in which he doesn't have to anymore because it's hard for me to see him quitting while people are still in danger.

but i did want to unpack this trend a little bit cause it’s a real ick of mine - especially in fics.

#dean again and again shows that he believes monstrosity and evil are choices

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y'all might think dean was repressed and/or refused to admit that he wanted to fuck cas from the jump but EYE saw his 'oh no he's hot' face both in the barn AND when cas threatened to throw him back in hell. EYE saw dean throwing himself at cas repeatedly over the years and EYE saw dean slowly start to tamp it down as (unintended) rejection after rejection started to stack up. EYE saw dean fail to not get flustered even after years of exposure. EYE saw a man who resigned himself to being in love with someone who was not interested in that particular type of physical relationship. EYE saw someone whose entire worldview was shattered when his best friend confessed his feelings and EYE saw a man crying on the floor with his head in his hands while the world was ending, mourning the fact that he could've been getting railed this whole time.

#this is what i’m talking about

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stop comparing other men who are gay on tv to dean winchester nobody has ever been gay like him before or since

#no other anyone has been anything like him #he is the only #period

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Destiel doodle as walker hancocks ‘Angel of the resurrection’

#ive seen this sculpture in person and all i could thing was #this #AMAZING