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soobintoyou · 2 years

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by the way (you saved me) - chapter twenty

the next couple of months feel like years.

beomgyu learns that because of the placement of the tumour, they want to treat it with radiation to shrink it before they go in and take it out surgically. there’s a lot of “we’re not sure yets” and “i’m sorry, i don’t have the answer to that” when beomgyu all but interrogates taehyun’s doctors. he feels his skin crawl all over and wants nothing more than to just get the hell out of the hospital every time he steps through the threshold.

taehyun continues getting treatment. when his hair falls out, beomgyu and huening kai both let him take hacks out of their hair with a pair of craft scissors. soobin can only shake his head when he walks in on the sight. he digs out some clippers from his room and shaves the three of them shiny and bald, ignoring how more tears fall than strands of hair. sunny buys them matching beanies with their initials etched into the side. she tells them they look funny and buys paint.

the three of them record one last video of them painting each others’ heads all the colors of the rainbow. they close down their youtube channel and thank everyone for the years of love and support.

taehyun cries when he sees that beomgyu and huening kai have added a little message at the end for him telling him to stay strong and that they’ll meet him wherever the sun sets.

it’s very fragile and beomgyu finds himself sinking deeper and deeper into himself.

he and yeonjun don’t talk often these days. the academy is expanding and he’s been flying in and out of the country for conventions and meeting new people.

it’s in november when beomgyu moves out.

it’s not far from where he lives now but soobin thinks it’ll help him start to sort out his life. beomgyu doesn’t tell him the spur of the moment decision came when he had a dream where he lived a different (a happier) life (where yeonjun didn’t exist, where taehyun wasn’t sick, where his best friends loved each other loudly and where soobin wasn’t so afraid of him. in that world, he even got the girl. in that world, he could see a blur of what he identifies as his mom. her face just a blur but her love as radiant as ever).

it’s a small apartment with two bedrooms. it’s cheap and cramped but it’s warm and safe and enough. soobin sort of crinkles his eyebrows when he sees that beomgyu getting upset that all his gaming equipment might night fit in the corner of his room and suggests he takes it into the other bedroom.

“but i wanna play at night,” he say, messing with wires from under his desk.

“okay?” soobin crosses his arms, still not understanding. “i don’t see what the problem there is, though?”

“well, i can’t play if you’re sleeping in there. you drool too much and i might drown in it.”

it’s nonchalant. but it means the world to soobin. beomgyu can see it when he gets up to see his reaction.

wherever i am, you’re welcome, is what beomgyu is saying when they set up a bed in his apartment for soobin to come and stay over in whenever his heart desires.

but the bed doesn’t keep soobin away and there are nights where beomgyu wakes up to his sheets being tugged and a lanky body sprawling out on top of him and patting his head.

“i love you, baby bear.” soobin whispers.

beomgyu only wraps his arms in response and smiles into his hair.

it’s enough for soobin.

sunny finds beomgyu over more times than she doesn’t. apparently, this is the way it always was before she came to korea and taehyun spends his days listening to music or talking with the older while huening is at the academy.

sunny doesn’t talk to yeonjun much these days. after talking beomgyu that night, she confronted him. he got very upset with her for even believing anything beomgyu had said and asked her to choose.

she chooses beomgyu because beomgyu would still respect her even if she didn’t like him back unlike the bratty twenty something year old who threw a fit in front of her.

sunny spends a lot of time with taehyun these days. they go on weekly lunches by themselves.

“it’s funny,” he says one time, nose tilted towards the sky. “i’m loosing my vision and yet the sky is bluer than i’ve ever seen.”

she cries in a muffled sob that night.

she does her best to take care of him. she leaves her door open so that she can wake up and help taehyun to the toilet whenever he feels nauseous and she looks into activities for him and huening to do as a normal couple.

she keeps track of the billing statements and the car payments and picks up a job at the local cafe to help pay for groceries despite beomgyu insisting that he has everything covered.

he doesn’t push though. he says he knows how it feels to “have everything covered” and still feel in debt to somebody.

“taehyun was asleep when i left,” beomgyu says, stirring his tea with his his straw. he was in town when he decided to stop by and bother sunny. “him and kamal were getting a little too close for me so i just left before i went from third wheel to a whole different car.”

sunny rolls her eyes. “let them be. they’re young and in love.”

“they’re in my face,” he replies bitterly. “we used to be the three amigos. now two of the amigos suck faces and the third amigo has to act like he’s asleep and not emotionally scarred for life.”

“i’m sure you were emotionally scarred before they started dating,” sunny replies. beomgyu can’t argue with that and tilts his drink at her before taking a sip. “how are you holding up?”

“shouldn’t i be asking you that?” beomgyu raises his eyebrows. there’s still a glint of hope in his eyes when he talks to her. she tries her best to act like she can’t see it.

“i’m fine,” she says.

“you’re exhausted,” he retorts.

“i’m fine,” she repeats, albeit a bit more exasperated this time around.

“whatever you say,” he mutters.

she rolls her eyes and checks the time. “look, i gotta get back to work.”

“but you didn’t even eat your muffin,” he frowns, motioning to the treat in front of her. “i bought that and didn’t even use your employee discount.”

“didn’t you ask jeongin if you could use his?” sunny snorts as she stands.

“i’ll have you know that jeongin and i play league of legends together and he lost a bet anyways,” he crosses his arms.

“whatever, gyu,” she sighs, rolling her eyes. “thanks again for lunch.”

“i’ll probably leave taehyun alone for the rest of the day,” beomgyu says, tugging his bag over his shoulder as he stands up as well. “i heard he was really sick last night and didn’t sleep well.”

“you’re welcome to come by any time you want,” she smiles.

sunny doesn’t bring up how distant he looks these days. she knows he’s trying his best. but she knows he’s just as terrified as she is.

“i don’t have a reason to be sad. i’m not the one who’s sick,” he tells her one time.

“come back any time you want, gyu,” she repeats for him to hear once more.

when he leaves, beomgyu cleans up the dishes and leaves a $20 tip for her, saying he’s in a super big rush when she starts to mouth off to him about it. he leaves with the shut of the door and it makes her coworker, sunghoon, laugh.

“and what seems to be so funny?” she asks, hand on her hip.

“nothing,” he replies. “you and your boyfriend are just cute.”

jeongin over hears this and screams at beomgyu over his mic that night asking why he never told him that he and sunny were dating.

“she didn’t say we weren’t?” beomgyu asks, trying his best not to sound curious.

“no, you idiot! why didn’t you tell me?!” he squeals.

beomgyu sits back in his seat and laughs. “guess it never came up.”

life goes on.

for christmas, huening kai and taehyun decide to have their families all get together and celebrate under one roof.

lea can’t stop squishing beomgyu’s face that night and talking about how much he’s grown. bahiyyih tries not to laugh with her brother when they see sunny glaring from across the room.

“i thought you said she didn’t like beomgyu,” bahiyyih says.

“i said she doesn’t want to admit her feelings for beomgyu,” the older replies with a roll of his eyes.

“she makes them pretty obvious though,” bahiyyih mutters.

“oh tell me about it,” taehyun says from his side of the kitchen island.

they do a white elephant that night. beomgyu scores some house slippers and chocolate and shares them with his brother when they have their own little dinner at his apartment that night.

“mom would’ve loved these,” soobin whispers as he takes another bite. “she loved christmas.”

“she did?” beomgyu frowns.

soobin catches the way he body sags. “yeah,” he clears his throat. “she would always decorate the house and every year, she’d climb on a latter and have you place the star on the top.”

“sounds dangerous,” beomgyu scrunches his nose.

“it made you smile,” the older replies. “i think that’s all that mattered to her.”

beomgyu doesn’t say much else that night but when they are tucking into bed, soobin shuts his eyes and hears beomgyu whisper “i love you, brother bear.“

soobin doesn’t mention it but it’s enough to keep him hanging on to this tattered life they live.

after christmas, taehyun gets admitted to the hospital.

he’s too sick these days and every one thinks it would be better for him.

huening sets up camp next to his boyfriend the moment he moves in. beomgyu leaves a framed photo of the three of them on the bedside table and asks if he can insert protein powder into his IV. taehyun is mortified but beomgyu says it’s all about “ the gainz”.

for a moment, the hospital isn’t so sad as they all double over in laughter.

sunny snaps the moment into her phone and a week later, gives beomgyu his own copy with a small note written on the back.

“without pain, how can we know joy?”

it makes the memory ten times happier as he sticks it in a frame in his own home.

beomgyu tries his best not to be sad but it’s a lot.

so when taehyun suggests him going to see a therapist, he does. taehyun knows that it’s only because he asked him to but if it helps beomgyu understand himself a bit more, he’ll use it to his advantage.

beomgyu doesn’t talk about what him and his therapist speak about. soobin is curious when he brings it up but doesn’t pry. instead, he gives him a warm smile and encourages him to keep going.

months drag on again.

it’s almost march when taehyun is cleared for surgery.

there are a lot of risks. his tumour is in a very sensitive area of his brain and beomgyu can’t help but bounce his leg in the waiting room as they wait for the entire thing to be done.

soobin is there for emotional support. even yeonjun gives him money to buy flowers and a get well soon card. sunny watches nervously as the hours tick by and comforts her parents when they seem a bit too jittery.

huening is next to soobin and threatens to sue this entire place if even one stitch is out of place. they hold hands and pray together and watch beomgyu walk up and down the hallway for hours on end.

beomgyu has lost track of the hours by the time the doctor comes back in. he watches from a distance and lets the doctor speak to sunny and her family. he can’t read their faces but they’re escorted off too soon for his liking and it still leaves the three of them in the dark.

“he’s probably fine,” soobin whispers as he squeezes their hands. “it’s taehyun. he’s a fighter.”

yeah, he is, beomgyu thinks as his body begins to shake. it’s like a wave has crashed and pulled him under again as he thinks how even fighters can get tired and just give up.

“hyung,” he whispers in a cracked and broken voice. “what if he—“ he shakes his head. “i can’t live without him, hyung.”

“i know,” soobin whispers, pulling him into a hug. “i know, baby bear.”

“what if i loose him too?” he gasps as more tears stream down his face. “what if i—“

“gyu,” a voice interrupts him. “sunny is coming back.”

he stands to his feet so fast, his vision goes black for a second. he stumbles towards her, snot and tears, and steadies himself on her shoulders.

“is he—“

“he’s still asleep,” she whispers. “the surgery went fine but it’s gonna be a while before all the anesthetic wears off. even then, he might still be loopy. you all should go home and rest. come back tomorrow. okay?”

soobin sees the way his eyes ignite and places a hand on his shoulder before he can fight with her.

“she’s right. we should go and let his family spend time with him,” soobin whispers.

but he’s my brother, beomgyu’s mind selfishly shouts.

“i’ll keep you all updated,” sunny says to them. “try to get some rest.”

“you too,” soobin tells her. “give him our love. okay?”

she squeezes soobin and huening in a tight hug, whispering things in their ears before pulling away.

she turns to beomgyu and smiles sadly at him. “beomgyu-ah,” she says. “thank you so much for taking care of my brother all of these years.” he has tears in his eyes again as she pulls him into a hug as well. “he loves you so much, beomgyu.”

“i can’t live without him,” he whispers again.

“that’s the thing that sucks about taehyun,” she sniffles, her own eyes starting to well up. “when he really loves something, he won’t give up on them so easily.” beomgyu whimpers as she continues, “beomgyu-ah. this was a really complicated surgery. you know that right?” he nods his head. “the doctors weren’t expecting him to make it out alive. they said he put up a really good fight.” she pulls away and looks him in the eyes.

“he put up a good fight because he had someone to fight for,” she tells him. “thank you.”

beomgyu shakes and cries and releases every last sorrow he has in this moment. the reality of it all is finally hitting him and he almost lost his best friend.

the youngest of the bunch pulls him away from her when he sees that he’s practically drenching her shirt. his own eyes are watery and he hugs beomgyu with all of his might.

“we’re gonna be okay, hyung. it’s all over now.”

we’re gonna be okay.

the sunset is beautiful on their drive home and in his heart, beomgyu knows that taehyun is okay.

the road to recovery is going to be long and rocky and hard.

but to have taehyun by his side. to have kamal and soobin and even sunny by his side.

to have a family…

that’s enough for beomgyu.

chapter nineteen | chapter twenty one | master list

a/n: only one more chapter!

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