#'breaking my silence on chess the musical' sam knows i think about it still. but for the purposes of public appearance. you understand. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

malereader-inserts · 5 years

Text

The Cold Within Me

Fandom: Twilight Pairing: Cullen Family & Male!Reader Summary: What’s it like being alone - it’s the feeling of warmth disappearing and accepting the cold. Word Count: 3663 Request: “Cullen family angst? Or some type of family angst?” Warnings: Triggers: Undertones of depression and anxiety. Mentions of nightmares, dead parents and abusive nature. Injury and blood A/n: injury stated in this is probably over the top but hey it’s a fanfic we can just bend the rules just a bit

“They left me.”

You softly hummed as you open the door wider for Bella to come into the house. You were asleep, catching up on the lost time for studying or doing small errands for the family, and when you woke up they seemingly had disappeared without a note to explain where they went.

You figured if you went to school you would see them, you didn’t.

You figured if you come back home, you’d see them as if nothing had changed.

You were alone.

“Edward broke up with me,” She explained, softly smiling at you as you were the only human who could relate to her, she felt sorry for you being alone - whilst she was heartbroken from Edward breaking up with her, she felt ten times worse for you.

“What did he say?”

“He’s been torn since the Jasper incident at my birthday,” Bella spoke as the pair of you sat down on the empty sofa that still held the warmth of the vampires, “He left to keep me - us - safe.”

“Oh.”

The silence almost became overbearing, she looked at you before pulling you into a hug, you sigh before sinking in and accepting the hug. Bella wasn’t a touchy person, but you both needed it.

Pulling from the hug, you sat there awkwardly before Bella announced she was leaving. Shutting the door behind her, you spun on your heels and leaned against the door.

Life was how it was like again.

Cold, alone and terrified.

Esme and Carlisle found a little boy, terrified for his life. He was no more than a nine-year-old, looks like he was a little malnourished and injured. Carlisle’s doctor mode almost set in as Esme wanted to hold the child and hug him.

“Sweetie?” She spoke calmly almost soothingly.

The little boy looked at her, hands were shaking as his blue lips made Carlisle cringe - how long has the little boy been braving the cold?

The pair knelt down to the young boy's height, after slowly approaching him so he wasn’t startled.

“Uncle is dead!” The little boy cried, his eyes watering as Esme slowly approached the young boy, and placing a gentle hand on him, “Will you keep me safe?”

The little boy had broken eyes, the vampires could tell that the boy was smart enough not to trust strangers but the eyes were the window of the soul, so could tell that this boy had undergone through something unspeakable.

“Yes sweetie, we will, I’m Esme and this is Carlisle, he’s a doctor - he can help you.”

The little boy flickered his eyes towards Carlisle and shuffled away from him, scared. Carlisle looked over to his wife as Esme looked at you, soothingly putting her ice-cold hand on your back.

“He’s not going to hurt you, hun, he's trained to keep you safe.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” Esme responded but was confused when the little boy shook his head.

The boy pointed his bruised arm towards Carlisle, who chuckled lightly with a charming smile. The vampire softly spoke with a gentle tone, “I promise.”

The little boy nodded, allowing Carlisle to pick him up, the injured little fledging didn’t notice the radiating coldness as the two bring him back to the hospital. The little boy refused any treatment from any other doctor and always wanted Esme by their side. Carlisle and Esme finally got the small boy to sleep as police came through.

“(Y/n) (L/n),” Charlie Swan spoke, “Heard he was admitted here? Nine years of age, (h/c) hair and (e/c) eyes.”

“Yes, found him off the roads by the woods.”

That was the day that Carlisle and Esme decided to adopt, they weren’t going to adopt a human never mind a child but hearing the horrors that the little boy went through they couldn’t let the boy go to an orphanage, god knows how they would treat this poor soul.

When you had woken up, they greeted you with loving arms as they told you that you were going home with them, to have a family.

You suddenly weren’t alone again and warmth have filled you up.

Lying in bed, awake as you stare at the ceiling. You remember the night you had arrived in your new home, patched up and terrified, but you were amazed at the big house and a band of teenagers greeting you at the door.

Sitting up in bed, running your hand down your face free from sweat and taking a deep breath, your thoughts were racing, but thinking of useless stuff that couldn’t allow Alice to predict your future.

Slipping out of the bed, you decided to treat yourself to water. Going down the stairs you missed the fond screaming of Jasper and Emmett trying to out-compete each other or the fragile keys of the piano. You missed the rolling eyes of Rosalie as she smiles apologetically at the boys’ antics.

You missed the loving embrace of your mother or the soft pat on the back from your dad. You were surprised to find yourself longing for Jasper’s history lessons or Emmett’s terrible puns and jokes. Now the mansion was quiet, abnormal.

Sighing, you sit on the stairs with the glass of water by your side, imagine how you would sometimes watch Jasper and Alice gently sway to the music, looking at each other with stars in their eyes. You could imagine Alice and Edward playing each other on the chess board whilst Emmett complaining their round was boring.

The house may be warm but you never felt so cold, at least not as cold as the day Carlisle and Esme had met you.

School wasn’t the same anymore, there was no table with your family anymore and you didn’t want to sit by yourself, sometimes Bella would sit with you but often times you would find yourself skipping lunch.

You would work yourself to death mostly, earphones in as you got your head down with work in front of you. But, no matter how hard you seem to be busy your grades were dropping.

You felt like you were suffocating and suddenly you just couldn’t breathe.

You were often greeted with nightmares or sleepless nights, meals that weren’t fuelling you up and you were back on medication. Headaches and migraines plagued your days, often leaving you in bed.

Often you would rather stay in bed, you couldn’t find the willpower to get ready. Whilst Bella was going through some stuff, you were suffering too. You lost your family, the ones you trusted, depended on and who cared for you all the same. The family who helped you bring you back to the fullest, but as you were getting better with yourself they just were gone.

Your grades declined as did your health, mentally and physically, soon to become emotionally and you were so stranded to do nothing.

You didn’t know what to do.

Medications weren’t working, you were constantly on high alert with a racing mind but a tired body. The sleeping pills had refused to knock you out, you often wonder if they would work if you took ten all at once, the thought had washed away as your mind went back to Alice.

Was she looking after you? Predicting your future? Begging the family to come back?

You thought bitterly, who would want to come back to you? A worthless little human who dragged them down, risking them to exposure to the Volturi.

You like taking a stroll around the forest, you sometimes hoped that you would run into a mountain lion or a bear, then your life wouldn’t be in your hands anymore. That was when you found that little high once again.

“You’re the human?” The shapeshifter looked at you from the other side of the treaty, “The Cullens left you?”

“Is that surprising?” You asked you had never met the shapeshifters but Rosalie often told stories of them.

“You look like you need some company and you’re human, so you’re not breaking any rules,” The shapeshifter looked sympathetic towards you, “I’m Sam Uley, the alpha of the tribe.”

“(Y/n) Cullen,” You introduced yourself, “I’m not jumping to your land.”

The male smiles at your light-hearted joke, “I figured much.”

You were eleven when you found out that the family that adopted you were a bunch of vampires, you had locked yourself in your room for a good few days that Esme was started to get concerned that you weren’t feeding yourself that she almost bulldozer the door to feed you herself.

They told you almost everything after you had calmed down. They explained each of their stories and the rules of the vampire life and the shapeshifters that lived on the next land. You were educated about everything by the time you had met Bella.

The pack of shapeshifters were lovely, the welcoming wasn’t as warm but they soon were enjoying your company, at least more than Bella’s which has been said by Paul. Sam would invite you for their dinner, finding out that the Cullens had abandoned a seventeen-year-old boy at home for four months.

Their warmth was something to your cold, it kept you going just a little bit longer.

You had told them your story as to why you were adopted by the Cullens, finding the back story of dead parents and an abusive Uncle too much to handle, it was obvious your past had still haunted you even more so that you felt alone once again.

The pack tried to keep you happy for a bit, they took you out for go-karting, the local cinema or bowling, but whilst you were enjoying that, in the back of your mind your family still lingered.

You knew that hanging around the pack it blocked any visions from Alice, during the campfire you and Bella seemed to have a moment, alone at the fire.

“You think they’ll come back?” You asked, remembering the conversation of Bella telling you they were going for forever.

“I don’t know, (Y/n).”

You stared at the fire, your knees to your chest with your arms resting on them, “Why don’t they want me?”

The tears started to fall as Bella throws an arm over your shoulder and pulls you close, no matter how loud the boys were you missed your family.

Thoughts ran through your head, negative ones that were hard to force them out as the devil had kicked the angel off your shoulder and whispered ludicrous lies that you tend to believe.

“I don’t deserve to be here.”

Bella didn’t know whether you meant with the pack or alive.

You hated the sight of blood.

You were sure you weren't supposed to go out like this but somehow you just accepted fate.

The pack of shapeshifters come running to your side when they heard a painful scream carry through the forest. The boys quickly transformed to their wolf form, jumping to your side of the land and found a scene.

Sam looks up at the night sky and back at the threatening child of the moon, the wolf snarled dropping the arm of the vampire it just took down. The protective instinct was to protect you, the wolf was holding its ground wanting to keep its food to itself.

The venom of the wolf and the vampire was painful, to say the least, it was fighting with each other before it neutralised itself out. The pain was still there, every fibre of your body was on fire, whilst trying to keep yourself awake, but blood was rushing out of you and you just wanted to give up.

The vampire and the wolf had a good bite out of you, the wolf was more playful with its food, scratching your right arm down and had clawed down from your the left side of your face to the right side of your chin. The vampire wanted to break you, crushing your ribs and breaking your left clavicle you were sure you were a goner.

You could hardly breathe as you were picked up by a light grey werewolf and dashed with two brown werewolves to the edge of the forest and racing down to the nearest hospital.

You shouldn’t be alive and you wished you weren’t.

Your arm was bandaged up with your other wrist bruised by the tightening grip of the vampire. The scratches on your face were light and weren’t deep that were going cause a scar like Emily’s, but they had informed you that you were going to form light scars down to your chin.

Unable to see from eye they managed to save your eye from going blind, you were sure you were living in a fairy-tale because how was anyone able to survive the shit you had undergone?

“I want my family,” You croaked out, as Leah and Jacob had accompanied you in the room.

“It’s their fault you're here, (Y/n), we weren’t quick enough to save you but I can promise you if those leeches were there you wouldn’t be here,” Leah spoke truthfully, “As much as you love them, want them - if they truly cared why would they leave you?”

“Leah-” Jacob scowled at her as Leah rolled her eyes, “(Y/n) doesn’t need to-”

“You don’t exactly like them either Jacob,” Leah snapped.

“Enough you two, get out,” Sam commanded them, opening the door as the two left the room glaring at each other. Sam looked at you, “How you’re feeling eye-patch?”

You look at him with a tired eye, since the left eye was covered with a patch to keep the eye clean after the surgery. He looked at you, your face condition reminding him too much of Emily’s situation.

“If I died, do you think my family would have come back?” You asked out of the blue, your tone was rough at the edges, “Would they care about me enough? Or leaving me, abandoning me was the sign that I don’t deserve theirs or anyone’s love?”

“(Y/n)-”

“It’s true though if I just had stayed in the house maybe - it’s my fault. Everything is my fault, everything is my fault-”You wanted to cry, scream, thrash around but my god the pain your mind endured was much more painful than the venoms taking over, “It’s my fault...”

You were so used to the cold now that you were on the edge of freezing.

Bella stood awkwardly in front of the family. Before she had left for Italy, she had talked to Alice, and she had a common knowledge that you almost died a few days and currently recovering in the hospital. Three days later the house that was empty and a scent of yours was faint the vampire nose, was preoccupied with the family once again.

“Where is (Y/n)?” Carlisle asked, “He’s not in his room.”

“Well, he was upset about you guys leaving,” Bella explained, shuffling so there was distance between the group of vampires and herself, “Undoubtedly.”

“I told you we shouldn't have left him,” Rosalie seethes, “Jasper even said he isn’t bothered by (Y/n) blood.”

“Um, he’s taking his medications again, though last time I checked he ran out a few weeks back so-”

The family snapped their golden eyes at Bella, the news had startled them. They were planning to come back for you, but they must have mistaken your happiness for strength - you had just got off those meds and now you were taking them again?

“What do you mean medications?” Emmett pressed on, Bella hadn’t seen this bear of a vampire so worried, so serious, “Tell me he just got the flu?”

“Well-”

“Are you sure you want to be here?” A voice was heard outside cutting Bella off.

The vampires knew it belonged to the alpha of the pack, Carlisle was trying to make sure Rosalie wasn’t going to murder the man, he was sure that he was over there with good intentions.

“What are you doing here?”

Sam, who had his window rolled down, looked at them shocked at their arrival.

“Well?” Rosalie spat as Emmett had to hold her back.

“Leave it-!” You managed to spat back, slamming the car door of Sam’s car and coming around, “Why are you back?”

The family was taken aback, their little boy was in a sling, supporting the broken collarbone and wearing an eyepatch, they dread to think what else had happened.

“Sam was dropping me off,” You explained, before turning around and smiling at him, “Thank you.”

“No problem, listen, just remember Emily is always, and I mean always, welcoming to have you around. You have more manners than the rest of the boys.”

You smiled, nodding allowing Sam to look at your family, he looks at you one last time and you nodded reassuring, before driving off. You turn around to look at them.

“I don’t owe you an explanation.”

You stumble your way up the stairs, Bella was the only one allowed to help you as you would glare off or flinch back to any cold hand that would support you. They all heard the wheezing from your lungs, Carlisle suspected a few broken ribs as he just wanted to reach out for his son and embrace him.

“I need more meds so like get on that because I can guarantee you I’m not leaving my bed for the next two days.” You mumbled, entering the warm environment of your house, “I’m going to bed-”

“Hold on young man-” Esme put her motherly tone, she only did that with you, “Do you think you’re going to treat your family like that?”

You spun on your heels, almost knocking Bella at the process, “Funny you say that mother,” you spat, Esme shivered at the tone you bit at her, “because I’ve been in despair, hatred and loneliness for six months, left in the dark about your whereabouts - I needed you and you abandoned me.”

“Sweetie-”

“No,” You hissed, hurt and suddenly Carlisle and Esme could see a little nine-year-old boy once again. Hurt both on the inside and the outside, “don’t sweetie me, you’re just going to pretend that everything is fine and dandy - it’s not.”

Jasper shifted uncomfortably in your emotions, which flooded above everyone’s uncertainness and regret. Your emotions were flooding him with sadness, anger and disappointment - a feeling that your big brother never wanted to feel from you. Washing a wave of calm, you glared at the blond.

“It’s been six months of loneliness! I can’t remember when the last time I went to school because I can’t manage to get myself out of bed to go, or when I had a proper meal at home or even a simple good night sleep that isn’t plagued with nightmares for my own family hating me.”

“Son...” Carlisle stepped forward as Bella had removed herself from your side.

“I can’t cry,” you mumbled, fearing if it would affect the wounds on your face.

“Do you even want me...?” You choked out, “Or am I-”

“No no no,” Carlisle embraced you into a tenderly embrace, too weak to push him away you stood there, “Of course we want you, you’re our son.”

“Our brother,” Alice spoke, her chirpy tone wasn’t present, “You’re stuck with us.”

Esme had joined the hug, running your back like she used to do when you were a child. A familiar sensation had brought you back to reality, you took a sharp intake of air as you softly let out a pained shudder of sighs.

“You are loved, and although our apology may sound empty however we are truly sorry for leaving you behind.”

Esme was very good at comforting, she had lost one child she was not losing another. Your mind was still as Edward looked at his small group of family.

“We don’t deserve your love or respect, but we’ll show you how much you mean so much to us,” Edward calmly spoke, his mind was torn that he was busy with Bella he had forgotten about you, a rotten feeling deepen down in his stomach.

“We’ll start by doing your missing homework,” Jasper lightly jokes, you softly hummed as you peak your head from your father’s shoulder.

“You’re not forgiven,” You considered, “And truth be told, god knows how long you would be building up my trust once again. But, fortunately for you, I still care and love you-”

“And we don’t expect you to trust us, we’ll earn it,” Emmett nodded as you ripped yourself away from the touch of your father.

“Just tell us what to do and-”

“We’re building trust, idiots,” you looked at your brothers, Edward and Emmett, with a furrowed eyebrow and tired eyes, “Though, you can start on the homework’s that I've missed, thanks for the suggestion Jazz-”

The so-called teenagers groaned, but there was a faint smile as they noticed your shoulders relaxed as did your posture.

“But do not expect me to be fine tomorrow, this is a long - long journey for us all.” You spoke, “But, I’m tired and I can’t get to my bed without being in pain so can-?”

Carlisle and Esme grabbed you, escorting you to bed. When you were tightly wrapped in bed, the family had started to get a plan in earning your trust and showing their emotions to you - some would often look up the stairs, remembering that you were still angry at them but giving them a second chance. They would smile when they could hear your heartbeat, it was comforting for them to know that you’re still alive.

There was a familiar warmth that crept at your toes. A warmth that wasn’t like the pack’s when they were around, but a warmth that filled you with joy and happiness like it was six months before.

It seemed like winter was defrosting and summer was blooming.

Alone seemed like a foreign word to your mind.

#alice cullen #edward cullen #Emmett Cullen #edward cullen imagine #emmett cullen imagine #Rosalie Hale #alice cullen imagine #alice cullen x male reader #emmett cullen x male reader #edward cullen x male reader #jasper hale #jasper hale imagine #jasper hale x male reader #x male reader #angst #platonic

1K notes · View notes

densiland · 6 years

Text

A Line in the Sand (9x23) and Ninguna Salida (9x24) - DensiLand: Analysis of all things Deeks & Kensi

A Line in the Sand (9x23) and Ninguna Salida (9x24) – The one(s)... where everything is broken

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, a DensiLand Analysis returns! (And thanks as always to ncislosangelesfan.com for all the screencaps!)

Even I can’t believe it’s been 4.5 seasons(!) since I wrote & posted one of these. It’s a testament to 1) how burnout I was from the incredibly long “The Frozen Lake” (5x10) effort and 2) how life can change.

Before we jump into the episode, I want to express my gratitude to the entire cast, crew, etc. for creating these incredible episodes, episodes that have been sorely missed in regard to their quality, entertainment, storytelling, conflict, action, and so much more. It made me remember everything I loved about this show and characters.

So why these episodes & this post now? This all stems from our incredible @wikideeks team and our reviewer Karen. I was so excited to share my comments on these episodes on her review post. I found I couldn’t stop writing! It grew far beyond what was appropriate for a simply “comment” and I immediately felt that pull to write this post - almost exactly the same feeling that drove me to start this blog in the first place! Just know it’s not as chronological and detailed as my previous posts grew to be, as they had gotten out of control. (Plus, I wanted the most important stuff IMHO at the end!)

Preparing for the episodes - In seeing who was writing & directing these, I was excited! Then I thought, "Oh no, Military! What is he going to do to them this time?!" Like others said, where has THIS pair of episodes been all season?! THIS is the quality you get from people who have "institutional memory", who have been there from the start and can pull from the mountain of backstory. What an epic reminder of what this show has been and still can be. The rest of this I'll break into categories & characters.

HANDICAMS - Like someone else said, it was too erratic this time. Were they different cameras or the operators running? It was too jarring. Callen's pursuit with no music, which I'm sure was a purposeful choice, didn't just feel like NOT their show, but also not a professional network show at all. Weird.

(Simply because this photo should be posted.)

2 HOURS! - It was a glorious NCISLA movie that so many of us have longed for! Definitely worth it. Quality from top to bottom!

MOSELEY - Let’s just get this out of the way, as I don't want to spend much time on her. Initially, I expected they were pulling a "Granger" - hate him at first and then grow to love him. Nope. Not even an inkling. This character &/or actress (???) were consistently abhorrent. (It probably even made some of us apologize for the times we were angry with Hetty.) Not only does Moseley (thus Ms. Long) need to go based on all of this character's out of line words and actions, but I also hope it's done in a spectacular way. No slinking out silently to raise her kid. No, this is deserving of a public shaming from the entire team and epic firing by Hetty (in her most bad-ass fashion)! Deeks and the rest of the team deserve to be avenged. (Can you tell I’ve gotten pulled into the Marvel Universe since my last post?)

HIDOKO - As to not be forgotten, even though we didn’t “see” her Hidoko deserves mention. Good actress, interesting character. But it really depends on what TPTB might have in store for her if I’m invested in having her back. She's probably alive, but either way I'm ok. (But if she's dead did it have to be in such a graphic way?!)

ISSUE OF CHARACTER - I loved the continued thread of "character", as like Karen, I immediately had a flashback to Deeks & Sam's conversation over the chess game on the stakeout. Seriously, how do you question Callen's character? (Even Callen wonders this...)

SAM - They kept making such an issue of his continuous bleeding and I don't think it was just due to his slowing down/not keeping up with this case. It feels like there will be something more with this. It's no surprise he wanted to go after the kid, based on his own, and I like how he acknowledged the entire team was in this together. I'm curious why Moseley didn't snap at him the way she did Deeks.

FIRED - Yeh, that happened. (See the Surf Log over at wikiDeeks - tough to keep so short, thus this here!) I think we’ve all been waiting for a season or so for this too happen. Whether it was from Granger losing patience, LAPD pulling another stunt, or who knows what else, this had been foreshadowed for quite awhile However, the reason for this was outrageous, as there was no real basis other than Moseley pitching a hissy fit. (Reign it in Gayle!) Yet, like Deeks I was still utterly shocked.

For a moment. For some reason knowing Hetty was still there gave me confidence and peace that the decision would be reversed. Eventually. (And yes, a rascal indeed!)

Also, I don’t get why no one else on the team defended Deeks. That was disappointing. This was a very different reaction than when Callen turned in his badge.

Can we also appreciate this Tyra Banks-like “Smeyes” (pronounced Smize) from Deeks/ECO? Knowing he can testify against her (& with Kensi as a witness) is all we need as faith that he’ll be back.

BROKEN TEAM/PLANE SCENE - Skipping ahead, (don’t worry I’ll come back to “The Garage”) I actually loved the plane scene, of seeing them all at odds with each other as 1) it's something that rarely happens, especially at the same time and 2) creates the intrigue of how they come back together.

(Thoughts about Silent Kensi are ahead!)

(Who else shouted & did a fist pump when they saw Deeks emerging from the car? What? Oh that was just me? I bet if you’re reading this you did too!)

Yet, based on what had happened, sadly there was no way this was a happy reunion. If anything, it just ramped up. The tension in that fuselage was combustible!

Call me a “raging optimist” (like my BFF does about me with my honors students, even though that’s the opposite from my natural default), as it applies here. Even when I see it with my own eyes faith springs eternal when considering Densi. They’ve invested too much for too long for it to be otherwise.

This single utterance, “I’m still your partner. At least one last time.” Ouch! A punch right in the feels! The bittersweetness of this possibly being their last mission together.... NO. Absolutely not. I am not having it! So let’s unpackage this:

His words might initially just sound like carrying out his responsibility (even though he’s technically fired) of being Kensi’s partner, of “having her back”. It’s so much more. I know you Deeks; I’ve got your number! It’s simply be a pained cover for his unwillingness to leave Kensi.

He used the word “partner”. We all know how much that term actually carries, and it’s far beyond their work pairing, even if that was the jab he was taking. The other word holding a lot of weight here is “last”. Is this Deeks drawing a line in the sand (stay with me) specifically to get Kensi to see how serious he is and to force her to consider “their” finality? If so, this is a risky move in knowing how Kensi can’t be forced into anything.

Speaking of...

THE GARAGE SCENE

DENSI - That scene. Those actors. This is the brilliance that brought me (& probably you!) to them. I know so many people are just longing for the "happily ever after". In the long run yes. Yet if you know anything about me (from this blog), I'm a fan of the long-run, the journey, of overcoming obstacles. I've become accustomed to having the minority viewpoint on this.

Some comment they thought Densi was already past this topic. While yes, it's been a regular subject, I don't recall (like Deeks) there being any firm conclusion. Perhaps people aligned the engagement with agreement regarding kids and “getting out”, when that's clearly not the case. What they showed us were each of them being at absolute odds/opposite ends of a spectrum with each other. When in order for them to be together is a compromised (not like Kensi referred) negotiated middle ground. A happy medium if you will. I understand having kids does tend to be an absolute; however, the when, where, how, etc. are fluid.

DEEKS - Dear Lord, when Deeks uttered, "I don't think we should be getting married." - the tormented look on ECO's face CRUSHED me. (BRILLIANT & BRAVO!) Deeks has only recently made firm moves & plans to get out. (Kensi has never been one to make personal choices quickly.) The events earlier in this case and season have seemed to only escalate this. To me, it feels like anxiety & fear are pushing Deeks to get them out "before it's too late". (Although the “knocked up” comment was wrong in so many ways.)

He’s now become desperate & pleeding. ECO gives us a Deeks who is coming undone, even beyond his post-torture recovery - & it’s beautifully vulnerable.

This may feel smothering to Kensi who isn't YET there. (He's always been ahead of her with their 'ship.) As always he was willing to work through it before he’s pulled away. Still, he gives us hope: HE GETS TO THE PLANE. He gets to her.

KENSI - Yes, I left her for last, because again if you know anything about me, Kensi's my girl, a character I can relate to in too many ways. So here's my defense of Kensi.

First, it's too easy to project onto her in the garage as she says very little in the middle of the discussion. Silence it tough to interpret accurately without infusing your own beliefs. Second, that silent characteristic is pure Kensi. She withdrew, just as she has so many times before. Here, huge kudos to DR, as she isn’t able to rely on words, but instead must carefully express non-verbally to convey Kensi’s thoughts & feelings.

Some might be angry that Kensi hasn't "evolved" past this, but in unexpected situations we naturally gravitate back to what we know, what is customary to us. Kensi simply reverted to her natural default. She was struggling to handle everything Deeks was putting on her in that moment and I believe was working to try to get a grasp on the warring thoughts racing through her mind.

Third, someone else commented that maybe she has for some reason learned she can't have kids. Intriguing, but a stretch in my mind. As if this was true I'd suspect she'd feel driven to tell Deeks. Why? Out of fear he would leave her and she had to know, had to get it over with. I prefer to read this as fear that maybe she won't get pregnant; that this would make her feel like a failure to herself and Deeks. She (&/or he) would feel so ashamed then THAT will make them fall apart. She's trying to get in front of a potential future situation that might not even be reality - at least as far as we factually know at this point.

She's silently screaming, as her very worst fear is coming true: She believes he's leaving her. While Deeks' initial words might lead to that thought, that's not really what he's saying. (And he says that!) He needs (they both do) to work through this topic before they get married.

Kensi's turning to go back to the job, yelling at him about her job, of who she is, is "just" her reverting back to what is known, solid, and safe - her job. Her job that won't change. Her job that won't betray her. The one thing that's always been there for her to escape to. Something that makes her feel proud, satisfied, and fulfilled. A job that very rarely puts personal, feeling demands on her.

Finally, let's not forget in the field she screams at him, "We stay together." While it might have been in the heat of the mission, those words extend far beyond their professional partnership - just as Deeks’ final lines in the plane. This is the fight in Kensi, the grit of doing whatever is necessary, even if it's painful to get to resolution. (Think of how much time & effort she put into tracking down her father's killer.) And just as Deeks got to her in the plane, she didn’t get on the chopper; she stayed with Deeks.

Yes, she’s angry. But is she really angry at Deeks? Maybe on the surface. But it’s just as likely she’s frustrated with herself of not being able to find a way to get out/to see beyond this job, of not having worked this out solidly with Deeks before this point, of having walked away from him earlier. We know an angry, fighting Kensi isn’t going to let anything get in her way; the struggle is perhaps her biggest obstacle is herself. Yet she’s able to break out, even if it’s verbal lashing demanding that she & Deeks stay together on the ground. This shows us she's not willing to really walk away or lose Deeks.

For all the times their ‘ship has “appeared” more one-sided, of Deeks being the one chasing after Kensi, here we get the opposite. (We’ve seen it before, but more quietly & casually, like when she was trying to see him after the torture, when he was in jail, even when he’d been shot & in the hospital.) Her single line is all the hope I needed. (Hope from Kensi Blye, who woulda thunk?!)

ONE LINGERING ASPECT - There's one thing I am struggling to come to terms with. Kensi has seen Deeks having been tortured, of temporarily walking away from the job once. We know he somewhat came back to NCIS because of her, but did she think it would be that simple? That all of these near-misses would have no impact on him? (Remember Nate said the trauma is physically & psychologically cumulative.) That he's made of the same steel that she is? That he would simply bounce back (again)? She lives like she's bulletproof even though she's already been proved otherwise (coma). If it could happen to her, wouldn't the same hold true for Deeks? Does this not also scare her?

Seems strange, especially for a daughter who lost her own father at a pretty early age. How has she not considered that for her own future and that of a potential child/children? As someone who experienced this loss myself, I personally would work to avoid that at all costs.

CLIFFHANGER - I actually like this, not knowing what's going to happen. Of course that's maybe because this show has trained me to expect a positive outcome (eventually). There are so many potential permutations and combinations of outcomes to consider and keep us invested over the summer - something that's been sorely lacking the past couple of years. So I say, "BRAVO!"

Finally, as fate would have it, today my daily lunchtime Dove Dark Chocolate wrapper contained, "Keep them guessing." As Deeks would reply, "Done."

-------------------------------- P.S. As for all the swirling rumors of ECO leaving fully or partially, until he says, who truly knows. While I personally subscribe to an “all in or all out” mentality, the man has to live his life. Yes, he has a family to support (which is easier with a full-time gig), but it also has to be a life well-lived. We all have dreams and aspirations, work to avoid stress and boredom - celebrities included. For him to go into a recurring role, would be disappointing and lessen both the show and Densi. I would never be happy for us to lose Deeks. (The only support I’ll put here is for DR & Kensi; she was here before Deeks and is a complex and compelling independent character in her own right. She doesn’t need Deeks or any other man to be a significant individual character.) ECO & Deeks leaving completely would be devastating, something I personally refuse to consider.

#NCIS Los Angeles #ncis la #NCIS: Los Angeles #NCIS: LA #NCIS:LA #densiland #densi #deeks #Marty Deeks #kensi blye #deeks x kensi #Eric Christian Olsen #Daniela Ruah

36 notes · View notes